How to help a vulnerable child. Touchy child: what to do? Feelings of offended children

26.04.2019

Such children are easily injured, touchy, upset for a long time. They react very emotionally to the attitude and even to the intonation of the voice of other people. According to the observation of the American clinical psychologist Elaine Eyron*, who has been studying the phenomenon of high sensitivity for a quarter of a century, these children are able to notice the slightest novelty of taste and any change in temperature. They shudder from loud sounds and cry if a bright light hits their eyes. And as they get older, they become more and more emotionally sensitive: they cry quickly when their feelings are hurt, they become more anxious, and they can be so happy that they simply "can't stand it."

Think about the reasons

Many of these manifestations cause anxiety or despair in their parents, they would like to see their children more resilient, balanced and adapted to the blows that life can inflict on them. “It is pointless and harmful to fight and re-educate a vulnerable child,” explains developmental psychologist Galina Burmenskaya. - After all, high sensitivity is an innate property of temperament, a quality that is transmitted genetically and, as a rule, accompanies a person all his life. But if an adult hypersensitivity is already able to assess the depth of the wound inflicted on him, he knows that the pain will eventually stop, then the child does not have the necessary experience, and therefore he feels panic because of any disorder. Instead of giving adult arguments (“Yes, there are a lot of these beetles in the forest, after all, people cannot fly through the air to give way to them ...”), show sympathy, help him express his feelings with the help of words or tears (“Cry, I understand you, sometimes it hurts a lot when you cannot save the life of even such a small creature”).

A violent reaction to an insignificant reason (like a lost button or a sharp voice from a father) may indicate the existence in the child’s soul of a completely different, deeper suffering associated with problems at school or at home ... Maybe this event reminded me of a long-standing experience that at one time, the child was not able to express (for example, being a witness to a quarrel between parents).

Express your feelings

In any case, it is important to try to determine the root cause of his reactions and gradually strengthen him from within. What does "strengthen" mean? First of all, pay more attention to his emotions and encourage open expression of feelings through words or tears that help relieve pain. (By the way, we often forget that tears give us emotional release, liberation.) trusting relationship with his parents, if he is sure that at home they will listen to him without criticism and ridicule, - explains Galina Burmenskaya. - If someone offended, ridiculed, humiliated your child, explain that if not he, but he was treated badly, which means that moral superiority is on his side and he should not be upset. Of course, this will not completely rid the child of bitter feelings, but will allow them to survive without dangerous accumulation and the formation of the position of the victim.

Empathize with another

And besides, it is important to remember that highly sensitive children are sensitive not only to themselves, but also to other people, to their emotional state; they are capable of deep empathy, sympathy, they sincerely respond to the joy and pain of their neighbor. These qualities should be valued and strongly supported in your child. If you notice that he is too painful, reacts sharply to the suffering of others, try to direct his experiences into the mainstream of practical, effective assistance. Invite him to collect a parcel of books for pupils together with you. orphanage or write new year card elderly lonely neighbor on the porch. To parents who are too worried that their mentally fragile child will not be able to achieve significant success in a career that requires pressure, toughness, Galina Burmenskaya reminds: “Success cannot be achieved at the cost of breaking the individual personality warehouse. And without spiritual sensitivity there can be neither love, nor friendship, nor sympathy, so valued by each of us.

"Highly Sensitive Child"

Elaine Ayron has written a wonderful guide for parents of unusual children. In it, she talks in detail about the difficulties of raising sensitive children. different ages– from infancy to adolescence, describes their problems and benefits and tells adults how to behave when a child, for example, does not sleep well, refuses to go to Kindergarten or feels alienated at school.

Here is an excerpt from her book:

So what is high sensitivity? Highly sensitive people are people who are born with the ability to notice more in their environment and think deeply about everything before acting than those who notice less and act quickly and impulsively. As a result, sensitive people – both children and adults – tend to be empathic, intelligent, intuitive, and creativity, caring and conscious (they calculate the consequences of violations and therefore are not inclined to commit them). They are easily disabled by too much information arriving at the same time. They try to avoid it and therefore often come off as shy, shy, or nerdy. When they fail to avoid excessive stimuli, they give the impression of being "too sensitive" or "easily upset." Although HSPs notice more, this does not mean that they have better eyes, ears, sense of smell or taste buds, although some do talk about at least one feeling that is especially acute for them. It's just that their brain processes information more thoroughly. Meanwhile, this is not an exclusively brain process, since highly sensitive people, children or adults, have a higher rate of reflex reaction (the reaction that comes from spinal cord), are more sensitive to pain, drugs, or stimulants, and are highly reactive. the immune system, occur more frequently allergic reactions. In a sense, their body as a whole is better equipped to notice and carefully analyze everything that touches it.

Do you have a highly sensitive child?

Questionnaire for parents

Please answer each question as accurately as possible. Answer “true” (B) if it is true or applies to your child in any way or was related to certain period in past. Answer “false” (N) if it is not about your child at all or is not entirely accurate.

B F Easily frightened.
C L Complains about scratchy clothes, sock seams or tags that come into contact with his skin.
T N Usually doesn't like big surprises.
T L Remembers restrained remarks better than severe punishment.
T N Seems to be reading my mind.
T L Uses difficult words for his age.
T L Notices the slightest unfamiliar smell.
H H Possesses good feeling humor.
H H Has good intuition.
T F Difficulty falling asleep after a stormy day.
T L Doesn't handle large changes particularly well.
B L Wants to change clothes if they are wet or covered in sand.
T N Asks a lot of questions.
VN Perfectionist.
T N Notices other people's troubles.
H L Prefers quiet games.
T L Asks deep, thought-provoking questions.
C L Very sensitive to pain.
H L Worried in noisy places.
T L Notices nuances (something has been moved, something has changed in the appearance of a person, etc.).
T N Considers if it is safe before climbing high.
B L Performs better when there are no strangers around.
T N Feels deeply.

If you answered "true" to 13 or more questions, your child is probably highly sensitive. However, none psychological test may not be so precise that you can determine how you should treat your child based on the results. If only one or two of the signs are true for your child, but appear in an extremely high degree, you can also confidently call your child highly sensitive.

"Highly sensitive child", Resource, 384 p., 550 rubles.

* Elaine N. Aron, clinical psychologist and researcher, has been studying high sensitivity since 1990. She has published five books and a number of articles in leading scientific journals on the subject. Elaine Ayron has a psychotherapy practice in San Francisco and also conducts workshops for professionals and the general public.

Galina Burmenskaya, developmental psychologist, associate professor at Moscow State University. M. V. Lomonosov, co-author (together with O. Karabanova and A. Leaders) of the book “Age-Psychological Approach in Counseling Children and Adolescents” (MPSI, 2007).

The information and materials contained in this publication do not necessarily reflect the views of UNESCO. The authors are responsible for the information provided.

Touchy children are very vulnerable, tend to make an elephant out of a fly, and find a reason for frustration where there is none. What to do?

Where do resentments come from?
Up to three years, kids, even if they are offended and upset, are easily distracted and forget about problems. Older children "get stuck" in resentment for a long time. Why? The fact is that, growing up, the child begins to need respect and recognition from peers and adults. The circle of communication is expanding, children are pouring into new team(creative studios, kindergarten). The child craves attention from others, but, as a rule, does not receive it in the amount that he needs, and sometimes does not receive it at all. Grievances appear, which can later bloom with a double color. Parents are not always able to catch the onset of resentment, as a rule, they begin to sound the alarm when the child's behavior begins to catch the eye.

Typical kindergarten problems are quarrels over toys, games (not invited), teasing and name calling. If a child is from an overprotective family, the lack of praise and attention comes as a shock to him. This is where things start to shine brightly. personality traits baby. One will begin to fight for attention, the other will step aside and begin to suffer, waiting for repentance and apologies from the offenders. However, as a rule, no one is in a hurry to apologize, and the offense becomes deeper.

There are, however, legitimate grievances. For example, the group came new baby, and his attempts to make friends with children and get involved in the game were rejected. The teacher did not intervene in time, so the offense came.

But sometimes the baby begins to see in relation to him and the behavior of others what is not there. Instead of joining the game, he was offended that they were not invited, and began to show displeasure, showing with his whole appearance that he didn’t really want to, they say. And after all, no one thought to offend him, everyone just started playing. If a child attributes non-existent motives or actions to others, we can talk about an inadequate reaction.

What about self-esteem?
A characteristic feature of a touchy child is a painful reaction to other people's successes. Hearing that some child is being praised, the touchy baby begins to believe that he is being ignored, feels unhappy and humiliated. He constantly needs positive evaluation and praise. Not receiving them closes. The basis of excessive resentment is low self-esteem. The child needs constant confirmation of his “love” and significance, in relation to those around him he sees neglect. Grades and praise are not the main thing!

Psychologists believe that in order to overcome resentment, a non-judgmental approach to education is necessary. Despite the obviousness of this approach, it is very difficult to put it into practice. Reprimands and encouragement have firmly entered the generally accepted methods of education. Parents usually think that praise is an expression of love for the child and use it as often as possible. However, the absence of ratings does not indicate indifference. On the contrary, benevolence and love are necessary condition upbringing and should not depend on his achievements and successes. It is necessary to save the crumbs from the need to prove their superiority and assert themselves. Only then will the child feel the pricelessness of his personality. It's not about not praising him at all, but only about how he should feel unconditional love and acceptance regardless of success.

It is impossible not to pay attention to insults, but when there is love there is no place for tears. Show your child that the attitude of others is not the most important thing in life. That the interests of others should not be focused only on his person. That the children playing without him do not want to offend him, they just got carried away and it is much smarter to join them, and not to nurture the offense.

Learning to Express Emotions
Being able to express emotions is very important. A person who knows how to express his feelings will be able to accept and understand other people and it will be easier for him to build relationships with others. However, the ability to express emotions is closely related to the ability to control them.

Start with yourself, teach your child by example. Say what you feel, what emotions you experience. If you see that the child does not know how to express emotions, help him. Ask questions, tell me how you can “let off” steam, try to explain what is happening to him at that moment. Otherwise, the baby will decide that his experiences do not matter to his parents, which means that he himself is not important to them. The kid will learn to hide his emotions, and you will only see the consequences when they appear too brightly.

Dealing with a problem
- Encourage your child to express their emotions. Help him verbally express how he feels.

Make close contact. You may not understand what he wants to express, but show him that you are trying: nod, sit down so that you can look into his eyes, stroke, ask leading questions.

Don't suppress his expressiveness. Sometimes it is necessary to give the child the opportunity to throw out the accumulated negative emotions. Do not silence or shame, just help find a place for the "explosion", wait until he calms down, and only then discuss with him what happened. This behavior will not allow resentment to accumulate.

Listen carefully. Very often, he just needs to be listened to. Do not rush to edification and advice. Just say that you understand him.

Try to look at the situation through his eyes. Let it seem to you, from the height of your age, that the cause of resentment is insignificant, for him everything is different.

Get into the problem first, then explain. Empathy is a great gift that, unfortunately, cannot be taught. But loving parents trying to "feel" the inner world of the child. This approach is valuable for both toddlers and older children. Before explaining that you should not be offended, the child must know that you understand and accept his point of view, even if you do not agree with it.

Source - https://vk.com/gruppa4udo

Many parents may notice that their child may often be offended. He “pouts over trifles”, reacts too emotionally to comments, sits alone for a long time, cries ... Small man suffers from his own resentment, and parents are worried and do not know what to do in such difficult situations. Our article will help you, dear parents, to understand the features of such a phenomenon as children's resentment.

Causes of children's resentment

Resentment- this negative experience by a person of his failure, his rejection by people. But every person, and the child - most of all, would like to feel his importance and value, at least from the people close to him. In some, this natural need is expressed to a greater extent, in others - to a somewhat lesser extent. However, both children experience those moments that are related to how they are perceived.

Childish touchiness- these are the facts of the degree of vulnerability and vulnerability of the child in one or another sphere of ideas about himself (character, appearance, abilities, etc.). let's consider causes, as a result of which the child may be upset and offended:

The inborn sensitivity of the child. Some children are naturally emotionally sensitive and vulnerable, so they are often offended. Such children especially feel the need for affection for their parents, their love, acceptance by them with all the features.
Rejection by parents of the characteristics of the child. Many parents demonstrate that they will only accept a child if his behavior meets their requirements. Parents who are trying to hard change the child, as if "violating the boundaries of his comfort", shaming him and depriving warm attitude, provoke him to be offended even more. And the constant rejection of the child's individuality (criticism, reproaches) contributes to the development of insecurity in the baby and encourages him to think that he is not needed and is not loved.
The child reacts inadequately because he feels the hostility of the world. Facing constant limits different manifestations behavior, the child begins to see even neutral situations. He thinks everything is against him. Not having the strength to resist external constraints that degrade his dignity, the child closes in on himself, offended.
The child understands that he does not meet the expectations of others. In such cases, he is either angry and behaves aggressively, or annoyed offended.
. It happens that parents do not believe in the independence of the child, not allowing him to cope with difficulties on his own. Then he develops a fear difficult situations and stress, inability to overcome them. Such a child will grow up with the expectation that everything will be done for him. And when meeting with difficulties, he will sincerely be offended by the whole world.
Parents indulge the desires of the child. In the case when parents strive to fulfill all the desires of the child and allow them to behave as they please, he will get the impression that the whole world owes him. The child who considers himself the leader will receive comments about his behavior. And, of course, he will be offended, as he is no less vulnerable than other children.
Child's expectations. For example, a child thinks: “Mom should buy me something tasty every time,” but this suddenly does not happen. Meeting with a different idea of the parents about the current situation, the child is offended and protests.

"Advice. The best thing parents can do proper development personality of the child is to begin to perceive him as a unique personality. Love the child for who he is.

Dealing with a problem

Have you noticed that your child is in tears, offended? How to behave?

You need to control yourself. The crying of a child, and especially pissed off. It is important not to break loose, even if it happens in a crowded place and for the tenth time. Control emotions, be calm (at least outwardly): this is how you will take the first step to ensure that the baby calms down.
You need to help your child calm down. Be affectionate to the child, hug him. It is better to sit down so that your faces are on the same level: this way the explanations will be better perceived. Calming the child, stroke his head, hold his hand, stretching his fingers. So bad emotions will be left behind.
You need to sympathize. Even if your child is still very small, it is important to voice his feelings. He will understand that his mother is not indifferent to his problem, she understands everything and deeply sympathizes. Say several times: "You are upset, my little one, I understand you ...".
“You can’t” suddenly becomes “you can.” This little secret will help prevent resentment and tantrums. Yes, you can’t eat ice cream, because it’s winter, but you can have a piece of delicious pie and juice. Yes, you can’t take your mother’s phone yourself, but you can play with it with your mother. To summarize: an unconditional “no” causes offense, and a partial “no” is not such a negative emotion.

Games for touchy children

"Advice. It is important for parents to help the child comprehend his own world, to be aware of his strengths and weaknesses. This will strengthen the inner self-awareness of the child and there will be no room for resentment.

In fact, this is our attitude to situations. Children often learn from their parents how to react to situations, actions and words of other people. Therefore, it is better for parents to monitor their behavior. And for the prevention of resentment, special games are suitable:

Callers. Sit next to the child, take. Offer to talk to each other hurtful words. Just discuss in advance which words are allowed. For example, not the rudest expressions, but the names of vegetables and fruits, animals, household items, fairy tale characters. Each appeal can begin with the words: “And you ... pale toadstool!” Agree that after 5-6 calls, you will start talking pleasant words: "And you ... my flower!". Reaction speed and humor are important here. Remind your child that this is just fun game: no need to be offended here. This game relieves stress. It is good when several children play it.
Zhuzha. The leader is chosen - “buzz”, around which they run, pull him, make faces, tease. When the bugger gets tired of harassment, he jumps up and tries to catch up with one of the offenders. Whoever was caught - that one is "buzzing". It is important that every child participating in the game visits different roles. This game teaches you how to manage emotional state, become less touchy, look at the world through the eyes of another person.
The Dragon. It is better to have several participants. Having lined up and holding on to each other, you need to be the first in the ranks (“head”), grab the last one (“tail”). When the "head" "grabbed" the "tail", you need to switch roles. It is important that all participants experience both roles. Such a game helps children who experience problems in communication to become more confident in themselves, to successfully join the children's team.

"Advice. It is important to look at children's resentment from the point of view of building the entire educational system in the family. It is important that consent reigns between parents, and sufficient attention is paid to the child. Then children's insults will be much less.

How to deal with a resentful child

Try to show your goodwill to the child more often so that he does not have to different ways remind about it.
If the child is offended that others are praised in his presence, explain to him that everyone who deserves it needs approval and praise.
Build a relationship with your child on a partnership basis, explaining that everyone has their own intentions.
Work with emotional sphere child, tempering it and teaching how to perceive this or that situation and respond to it.
Pick up useful books and cartoons, on the basis of which you can easily explain to the kid the reasons for offenses and the successful exits of heroes from different situations.
Communicate with your child more often, explaining to him which grievances are adequate and which are not.
There is no need to blame the child for his touchiness. It is impossible to forbid being offended, but it is only possible to develop the right educational strategy to mitigate this feature.
Make sure that the child does not accumulate resentment, but shares his feelings. Learn to respond appropriately to hurtful situations.
Do not compare the child with other children and do not point out their superiority in something.
Try to understand the reasons for the excessive touchiness of the child.

Note to the parent of a touchy child

Show interest in the child's inner life.
Teach your child to speak out loud about his thoughts and desires.
When you express your requirements, make them more specific.
Teach your child to put themselves in the other person's shoes.
Explain to the child that the actions of people around are varied; let him realize it and accept it.
Develop and strengthen the child's opinion of himself, increase his self-esteem.
Teach your child to look at many things with humor.
Talk to your child about grievances, look for ways to overcome them.

video in which a psychologist examines the causes and consequences of teen resentment

Be attentive to inner world your child, respect his opinion, accept and love as he is. This attitude will help raise an emotionally balanced and optimistic child who is able to cope with problems on his own.

If you have any difficulties or problems - you can contact a certified specialist who will definitely help!

Firstly - do not compare and, most importantly, do not broadcast your assessment of her abilities to her!
Secondly, 5 years is, in principle, not only catch-up climbing. This and role-playing games, and dolls, and much more, for which dexterity and speed are not needed. If anything, I myself was physically just like your girl - either I didn’t run and didn’t jump at all, or I did it noticeably worse than everyone else, I didn’t master the rope or jumping “in rubber bands”, etc. etc. So - the toys were perfectly carried to the playground and with a girlfriend (the only one then, by the way) they played perfectly with toys, without any special mobility. So organize at least one girlfriend for her (perhaps whose mother you are friends with), and carefully organize the "topics" of walks: dolls, "daughter-mothers", drawing with crayons, etc.
Thirdly, IMHO, of course, but - do not shove, do not push her to the "mass" outdoor games. She won’t get pleasure from them now, only she will be more convinced that it’s not her, that the children don’t want to play with her (and children are straightforward and rarely like to play with someone who doesn’t pull at all), and that she again disappointed her mother. No need.

Of course, as advised below - make sure there is no medical problem. Of course, dexterity and mobility to develop. Kmk, not even necessarily in the classroom and in the sections - there she also has a great chance to be lagging behind. At least let him learn with you: ride a bike, rollerblade, run (either run with her yourself, or in the game send her running for a flower, etc., but not in the format of a binding!), climb (or even climb trees) , catch the ball (edible-inedible is perfectly played together), etc. Of course, find her personal areas of success, a resource that can be used: drawing, recitation, Lego, modeling - whatever. Is she good at something, or at least she likes it?

07/27/2015 09:01:31, unique

"Organize a girlfriend" - yes, I did that at one time. We became friends with the girl's mother, our children are of the same age. I invited them home, tea gatherings and just communication.
The children became friends. But we moved, although we keep in touch and even visited each other a couple of times, but when the distances between cities are difficult.
At the new place for half a year, no friends have appeared yet. This does not mean that they will not appear, but at the moment it is.
Mass outdoor games - no, they didn’t even try, I don’t push a child into such games. Not her obviously.
We are trying to develop everything, of course. She mastered only a three-wheeled bicycle, such children's with a handle - but for not already an achievement, before this did not work.
Videos excluded by medical indications like a scooter.
When it plays out, yes, it runs. For example, yesterday I ran up the hill to ride in turn with a little boy. But already good!
At the moment, she likes to weave braids, rubber bands - bracelets. As far as I know, this is already a zone of success, rarely anyone at this age, for example, can tie his own shoelaces or braid braids, but for not without problems - he does all sorts of hairstyles for himself. Drawing, sculpting are not going much yet and do not arouse interest.
Declamation - yes, not bad. We tried the theatrical, but it’s a bit difficult for her there.
Yes, now let's go through the doctors again - a neurologist, an endocrinologist. I'll try to organize a massage.
Thank you! 07/27/2015 09:14:57, Makovinka

You don’t need a great mind to run, at any age, but weaving anything is by no means accessible to everyone. A bicycle (if for some reason you suddenly need it) is three-ringed on a handle - throw it out already, this is not a bicycle. My son, who at the age of 5 rode a teenage bike on a par with adults, did not master this 3-wheeler - it seems that he did not understand the principle of operation of this device at all. So a 3-wheeler is by no means an obligatory link in the chain. As well as the ability to ride any bike is not mandatory. For example, my mother never knew how (although there were more than enough opportunities), another familiar little vulnerable girl - the bike stood in the corridor for several years until it was sold - she never came up even once, although I personally undertook to teach her. 07/27/2015 04:35:37 PM, hanhi

I can't throw this bike away. She doesn't even want to look at anyone else. It's hard for her to try new things. The slightest failure, but of course, you won’t be able to sit down and go right away - that’s all, you won’t lure you into this business later.
Well, it’s clear that the ability to ride a bike is not necessary. The bike is just an example. The position itself - almost did not work out - everything, immediately into a tear and never try this again. 07/27/2015 18:51:46, Makovinka