How to teach a child to be respectful of adults. Preschoolers: how to teach the smallest to obey their parents. The essence of self-esteem and how to learn to respect yourself with low self-esteem
I think that all parents dream that children will fulfill our requests, that they listen to our opinion and know that if we are talking about something, then this is really useful and necessary information.
But very often we are faced with the fact that when we say something to a child, if he hears us, then very rarely reacts. And if it does, then for the tenth, hundredth time.
What to do? How to build such a relationship so that children respect us and consider us an authority, listening to our opinion? We read the article obedient child in 10 steps.
1. Respect your child
No phrases like "You are so and so!", "Only people like you!", "How can you ?!", "Look at others!" and other things that may offend your child's personality.
The human brain is designed in such a way that if someone insults us, respect for this person automatically disappears, and it is almost impossible to hear and perceive the information that the person who insulted us says.
In fact it is protective function brain. If someone tells us something bad about us, we stop considering that person as an authority. And accordingly, all the value of his words for us disappears.
2. Be a source of interesting information
70% of interesting, informative, new and only 30% of corrections and some kind of moralizing.
It is very important that if you want you to become an authority for your child, and he really voluntarily listens to your opinion, you must keep up with the times. Your child should understand that he can turn to you in any situation, that you can always prompt, and that you have the information he needs.
If you see that his focus of attention is declining, know that you have gone too far in moralizing and in some information that is not very disagreeable for him. Come back again to interesting information, return to what will help you build your relationship with your child and, accordingly, naturally gain obedience and respect for you.
3. Set an example, don't be unfounded
It is very important that your words do not contradict your actions.
I think that if you see any person who declares some very important truths to the public, but then you find out that he lives in a completely different way, your respect and trust in him will drop very sharply.
The same thing happens with our children. If a mother for a very long time, with instructions, tells how bad it is to say bad words, and then the child sees that mother, in a conversation with someone or driving on the street, when she was cut off, uses these words, then he understands that not everything, what mom or dad says is important, not everything should be followed because mom, telling me one thing, she herself acts differently.
The classic situation is when the parents smoke, and the child is told not to smoke. I'm not talking about the need to come and light a cigarette with him.
But if your child has grown up to the age when he asks you: "Mom, is smoking bad?" you tell him: "Bad!", if he asks: "Mom, do you smoke?" the best effect will say, “You know, this is really a huge problem for me. I smoke - it's very bad. I have such and such consequences, and I really hope that you will never do this! "
4. Don't ask rhetorical questions
Very frequent situation, which I, unfortunately, also encountered at the birth of my first child.
When we go into the room, and toys are scattered there again, or when we come to school, and there again the teacher says that he did not prepare for the lesson or did something wrong, or did not do it homework the way it had to be done, and not because there was no time. But because he simply did not consider it necessary.
And the parent in such a situation begins to say: “How many times can I tell you!”, “When will it finally end?”, “I've already told you 180 times!”, “All children are like children, and you!”, “ Why are you behaving like that? "," Will it ever end or not? "
What should I answer Small child when they come to him with such a proposal? “Mom, you've told me this 25 times already! For the 26th time I realized that I will not do this again and will not happen again! "
But it's not real, is it?
Often, if a mother enters a room and it is not tidied up, and she begins to say: "Again toys are scattered, again things are lying around in the closet!" Because the child, focusing on these rhetorical questions that do not require an answer from him because he does not understand what to say, he skips all further information.
Moreover, he understands that mom can talk just for the sake of what to say. And again, our words become just a background for him. He only hears these first phrases, and further concentration of attention absolutely falls.
It is much better if you want to achieve results, say clear and understandable sentences: “I want you to clean the room. I will be pleased, please, do this and that! "
Do not be afraid that this will sound like authoritarian phrases. These are clear and understandable attitudes that we want to achieve from our children. If you say them politely, children are much more understandable and much more realistic to figure out what their parents generally want from them.
I want to reveal one more secret that the same formula will help women to communicate better with their men because very often, if we also begin to address our men with such rhetorical questions - how many times should I tell you? - just like children, they do not hear us.
5. Don't expect the impossible
Do not demand that your child, after your first request, immediately follow all orders, tasks, and just obey you after the first word.
We are not soldiers, and our children are not soldiers either.
Moreover, I want to say that the brain of a small person under 14 years old is for sure! - is arranged in such a way that if he is busy with something - he reads, he watches some kind of program, he draws something, or he just sits and thinks about something - then his concentration on everything else drops very much.
Indeed, a child who is really doing something may not hear us. While this causes a very violent reaction in us, some kind of resentment, and in the end we repeat it once, a second time.
When we are already losing our temper and screaming, this irritating factor is very strong, the child shudders, reacts, starts to do something, and in the end it seems to us - a standard phrase for many mothers - “You just need to shout at you in order to you did it!"
It is much better if you see that your child is busy with something, come up and touch him. Such a tactile touch, tactile appeal to the child immediately draws attention to you.
You come up, patted him on the shoulder or on the head, hugged him and said: "Please do this or that!" - the reaction to such an appeal will be much faster, much more willing, and the child will really understand what you want from him.
6. Don't manipulate your senses.
When a mother, trying to force a child to act in one way or another, wants to arouse pity in him, or, as we say, to awaken a conscience, telling him that “... dad is at two jobs, I spin like a squirrel in a wheel, more little brother, can't you see how hard it is for us? Can't you do your job elementary - do your homework? "
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Unfortunately, very often this is all mixed up with a feeling of guilt, which the parents try, maybe not even consciously, to induce in the child, saying that “... we are doing this for you, dad does everything to ensure that you go to a good institute entered!"
What's happening? With a sense of guilt small man cannot cope. He still does not understand this all the importance that dad goes to work so that he has something there in the future. He lives here and now, he is not able to endure and somehow regret or somehow, perhaps, accept all the pain that the parent is experiencing, the whole weight of his life or some questions.
And the child unconsciously begins to move away. His psyche begins to defend against what can destroy it. And how is the psyche protected? Ignore, unwillingness to communicate, lack of any contact. When we ask: "How are you?" - "Fine!"
Therefore, if you want to achieve some things from your children, tell them honestly and without unnecessary emotions that "I need your help now." "I would be very pleased if you would help me." "I can't cope without you now!" "If you can, I will be very grateful to you!"
Such things are much more powerful than trying to push pity and induce some kind of guilt from our children.
7. Don't use threats
Sometimes, if our children don’t do something right away, and time is running out, or we have repeated it for the tenth or twentieth time, many parents resort to threatening: “If you don’t do it now!” or “If you don’t shut up in the store now, I don’t know what I’ll do for you!” "I'll give it to you ... Come home, you'll get it from me!"
What happens? It turns out that children, who should naturally see their parents as guardianship, care and protection, begin to see us as a threat and act out of fear.
I don't think any parent wants to have a fear-based relationship with their children. Because if the obedience of our children is based on fear, it always leads to only 2 things:
- This is that sooner or later there will be a riot, and at the age of 14 we will receive full program absolute ignorance, gnawing, rudeness already on the part of children. It will seem to us - where do they come from? But this is all the spring that we squeezed with such threats, disrespect, some kind of aggressive behavior towards children.
- Or the second point - if we pressed hard, and our child was not so strong emotionally at this age, then we just broke him.
In this case, he will already respond not only to our threats and succumb to them, but also to the threats of any people on the street. He will not be able to stand up for himself because he simply has this function of defending his opinion and his desires will be broken.
If you need to achieve something, it is better to offer cooperation, some other alternative to threats.
Let's say, "You do it now, mom can buy butter in the store, and we will make cookies with you!" or "If you help me now, I will gladly put together toys with you and we can play something together!"
Better even if we offer some kind of barter. For some reason, many people do not like this scheme, but in fact it is not scary that we offer the child a trip to the cinema or some gifts in return. It is important that at the end, if we achieved what we wanted, the parent did not focus on the gift, but on what the child did.
He performed some action, tell him: "I am so pleased!" "It was so great!" "You did it after all." "You did so well - much better than I even expected!"
If we act in this way, then over time the child will understand that it also gives him pleasure to please you, and no additional mechanisms will be needed.
8. Be grateful
Very often we perceive good deeds our children, for granted, especially if they have already grown up from a very early childhood.
In fact, it turns out that if it does something - good mark, or he did something, or he folded the toys himself, made the bed - there is no reaction. The child sees the reaction from the parents only when he did something wrong.
What happens? The natural need of children is to please us. Why? Because through the reaction of the parents to themselves, the child forms his attitude towards himself. Through this reaction, his differentiation as a person takes place. If he hears from us only the negative, this feeling of himself as a person - self-confidence, the desire to be good, the understanding that you are important to someone who loves you, it is not filled.
In the future, the child can fill this function in other places: on the street, in some kind of company, where it will not be difficult for someone to say: "You are such a good fellow!" And then for this "Well done" he will be ready to do anything.
Therefore, thank your children, say thank you to them, and do not be afraid that this will happen often.
I'm not talking about putting on a chair and clapping your hands for every spoonful of porridge you eat. But I'm talking about the fact that it is worth noticing those little things that our children do every day, because in fact, what seems to us common is often another person's work.
9. Remember what you want to achieve
Always remember what you want to achieve by saying this or that phrase to your child. Ask yourself - what kind of reaction do I expect? Why am I going to say this now?
If you ask yourself about this, then in many cases you will understand that you are going to say this phrase solely in order to throw out your negativity, your irritation, your fatigue.
As we have already said before, doing this for a person who is younger than you, whose psyche is still much more touching and much weaker than yours, is simply unacceptable.
Therefore, if you can always ask yourself this question, I am sure you will avoid very many conflict situations and you won't say so many words that you don't want to say.
This formula sometimes seems to be just some pipe dream. It's a skill - being able to ask yourself that question - it's a real skill. When you learn how to do this, it will help you not only in communication with your children. This will help you in communication at work, in communication with your husband.
Before each phrase, you can take a breath inside yourself and ask: “This reaction now - where will it lead? What do I want to achieve? "
Often this question, like a cold shower, relieves our irritation and we understand that on this stage we do not want to behave the best way, which gives us the opportunity to choose the right strategy for behavior and communication with our children.
10. Don't Expect Ideal Behaviors from Children
Do not expect from our children ideal behavior? because we will never get it.
Our expectations will always lead to irritation, resentment and displeasure. Children in life, just like adults, will have their own stages, their own: 3, 7-8, 14 years old, when no matter how we behave, at some period they will say “No” all the time, they will snap.
All we have to do in this moment is to love them, because when a person is good, it is very easy to love him. We especially need love just when we do not the best deeds.
I am sure that in the life of every adult, if we are wrong, there will be at least one person who will always believe in us and say that “Yes, you are wrong. But I know that you are different. You are really good, and we will cope with all the difficulties! "
Therefore, I wish you that you become just such people for your children, and then they will always respect you, not just listen, but hear and gladly fulfill your requests and wishes.
Note to moms!
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You can often hear now that “today's youth does not respect at all older generation". And, of course, a lot of examples can be cited - it happens that adolescents do not give way to older people on the bus, students are rude to teachers, a child who already knows how to speak does not want to say hello to adults. Respect for elders is the norm of behavior that is worth instilling from an early age. These are the values that should be in the first place in the family. If children do not recognize the authority of their elders, then what will they learn in school? And how will they then treat their aged parents?
Before throwing all your strength into correct upbringing baby, ask yourself - how do you yourself feel about people who are older than you? Parents are the authority for the child, the truth in the first instance. And if mom and dad do not follow these norms of behavior, you can not even hope that the child will respect adults!
Kids need to be constantly "reminded" that elders should be treated with respect and help them. But confidential conversations alone will not be enough. Prove your words illustrative examples! Going to public transport? Make way for the elderly. Did you see the old lady with the bags? Help her walk home with her child.
Use an example to show your child how you feel about your parents - his grandparents. Let the baby from an early age see yours warm feelings in relation to the older generation. Children literally absorb everything they see and hear like sponges. When adult family members are respectful of their elders, they will behave in the same way.
In children, respect for adults is often manifested in a desire to help mom or dad. If the kid suggested that you wash the dishes after a family dinner today, do not send him to the room - do not chop down the good intentions of the crumbs, let him help. Even a preschooler can do some household chores.
It is important to teach children the rules of etiquette
It would seem so easy to greet and say goodbye to a person. But even such simple communication skills need to be taught to children. But respect for elders is made up of elementary rules of etiquette.
It can be difficult for a small child to behave decently in the company of elders - there are no social skills. It will be even more difficult for him to be in society if he does not know the basic rules of etiquette. It so happens that the kid already knows how to read, but he has not learned to say hello when entering a room where there are adults. And this, of course, is an oversight of the parents. "Hello", "goodbye", "please", "thank you" - these are phrases that should appear in the baby's vocabulary as early as possible. Children will definitely begin to follow the established rules of politeness if it is available to them to explain how and why to do it.
Children preschool age must know:
- Adults need to be addressed as "you."
- You can not unceremoniously interrupt elders when they are talking.
- You should always say "magic" words - say hello, say goodbye, thank you.
- You shouldn't talk noisily at the table with adults
- Guests do not break into all rooms in a row without the permission of adults.
It is not difficult to teach a child the simplest rules of etiquette. But mom and dad will have to "remind" the baby from time to time about the correct behavior.
Talk to your child that sharing with family is good. And don't forget to back it up personal examples! Let the kid get used to the fact that adults in the family also have their own needs and desires - this way he will learn to respect grandparents, dad and mom.
Do you bake cookies at home? Let the baby share the sweets for all household members. It should not be so that the child eats as much as he wants, and the rest of the family members “what is left”. The simplest action, but it will teach you to respect and appreciate loved ones.
Teach your child to be empathic and caring
Ability to empathize and sympathize with loved ones - important quality, which will help the child grow up to be a decent person. It is important that the baby understands as early as possible that loved ones need help. And when he realizes this, he will definitely give way to the elders on the bus.
For example, if someone in the family is sick, explain to the child that they need to be sorry and help. It will be easy even for a schoolboy to bring a grandmother warm jacket or just ask how she feels today. The main thing is that there is a desire to do it! Of course, not all young children will understand what caring is, but any positive traits can be vaccinated. The mother does not need to deny the child the desire to take care of her. And let the whole kitchen after the made tea be covered with sugar, let the little hostess "treat" you to tea after a long day at work. Brush off the child once, the second time he may not want to show tenderness towards you.
Parents do not hurt to remember an extremely simple rule - treat your child the way you would like him to treat you. How will the baby respect you (and indeed all adults) if you constantly shout at him, reprimand him in public, set strict prohibitions on literally everything? Believe me a little later baby will begin to respond in exactly the same disrespectful way - such is the protest.
Let the baby realize that you value and respect him - he will respond in kind to you. Do not interrupt your child when he tells you something, listen to his opinion.
Teach your child to show gratitude.
It is clear that loving parents they will do everything for their child, without expecting anything in return. But when this goes over all the boundaries of reason, a small "consumer" grows up who does not even know the word "thank you". Toys, fashion clothes, modern gadgets - all gifts are taken for granted. Maybe it's time to explain to the child that mom and dad are not robots?
You will not even wait for a “thank you” for countless gifts, while the child knows that he is the head of the family, that only mom and dad revolve around him. The hierarchy must be strictly observed in the family - first adults, then a child. And just against the background of such a parental priority, gratitude will be born when you satisfy the child's desires.
Instructions
Let him get involved in any activity that interests him. It is through the practice of trial and error that he will be able to find something close to himself, to be realized in communication with other people (both adults and). Self-esteem consists of successful attempts to show your abilities in something. Give your child the opportunity to take action.
Observe your baby, what does he do best? Usually he himself strives for it constantly. Perhaps he enjoys reading. Buy interesting, decorated books for him. Let your kid become the most erudite child in school. If he strives for sports - he loves to run, play ball, constantly compete with someone and loves to win - give him to sports section... Let his abilities be revealed there to 100%. Only in doing what you love, constantly making efforts, can you achieve success. And success breeds self-esteem.
Maintain enthusiasm. If you succeed in something once, remind him of it. Offer to repeat the result, thereby developing his abilities. The child must believe in himself, and the parents can help him in this, supporting his desire to develop.
Give your child some small assignments. Press the button on the washing machine, place the plates on the table, pour the cat, help take care of little brother or sister. Feelings of trusted responsibility will help build a child's self-esteem.
Tell your friends, relatives and friends about your achievements. If your kid did beautiful craft- put it in a large room in the most conspicuous place. Let all who come see her and celebrate her merits. The kid must understand that parents are proud of his achievements, this becomes an additional incentive for further action and self-improvement.
Come up with a big thing with your child. For example, the game of Indians. Discuss with your child what is needed for the play to take place. Divide the entire work plan into stages: creating costumes, scenery, inventing the very plot of the game ... After the child has successfully completed each stage, praise him. Take your time to help the child in everything and do everything for him. Don't let him feel incompetent about anything. Be patient, because your task is for the child to respect himself, and for this he must succeed on his own.
note
Praise specific actions. Phrases "You are so smart, you built a turret of sand!" differs from the simple one - "You are smart!". The child must definitely understand what exactly he was praised for. Otherwise, you run the risk of developing an unfounded conceit in the child.
Surround your child with attention. Put off your business for the sake of communicating with him. If he sees what matters to you, that you consult with him before making any decision, he will understand that you respect his opinion. Thus, his self-esteem will also be strengthened.
Some parents are unhappy that their child is too aggressive, others are too peaceful and kind. Especially often from dads you can hear such complaints: some kind of muslin young lady is growing up, she does not know how to give back, take away the taken away toy, and life is so cruel, the strong survives, the weak is doomed in it. But this is the opinion of the parents. How to teach baby behave in critical situation and stand up for yourself? Keep in mind that for a start, it is equally important to get parents to adequately assess the specific situation and the reaction of their child.
Instructions
Are you sure you are not exaggerating the problem? It is important to separate two points: how the child himself relates to this situation, and how you, the parents, react to it. Ask yourself: Is the state of affairs in reality just as dramatic from the point of view of your son or daughter? Is it true that he is humiliated, insulted, oppressed? Or did this situation remind you of something from your own childhood, something that you once experienced, some of your old grievances, and you unwittingly transferred your ideas about life to your child?
Do not instill in your child your complexes. This is a direct consequence of what was said above. Believing that he is being humiliated, parents often program in inferiority complexes. Do not focus an adult's attention on some kind of injustice, the baby would not react like that. Teased, pushed away, not accepted into the game ... Everything happens during children's communication... Now they were not allowed to play, but in thirty minutes they would call themselves. You were pushed away, and in a few minutes you will push someone away ... Resentment is easily experienced and quickly forgotten.
Listen to what you tell the child, what words-images you use. We often "program" the life of the child ourselves, with words. We say: "life is cruel, and in it it is necessary to hard fight your way." And the child begins to feel himself surrounded by enemies. The world is huge, and the child in it is small, so he is not able to fight the world, and therefore does not feel able to win, does not feel protected. Hence, some have fears, others - aggressive behavior, the source of which is the same fear of the world. Remember that for a complete harmonious development it is important for a child to believe that the world is benevolent to him. Of course, evil can be encountered, but good must prevail.
Don't call your child “weak” (even in thought). This is typical of some parents, mainly dads. The children withdraw into themselves, because they cannot cope with the lack of confidence in their own strengths, and they are also afraid of incurring the dissatisfaction of dad or mom. And they stop telling their parents about their experiences, feelings. And the problems begin to grow like a snowball, which will further alienate the child from the world.
The kid is not yet able to defend himself, so defend him, but not to the point of fanaticism. Do not turn into those who
Every parent wants to see their child happy. But not everyone makes their children that way. Of course, there is no one single thing in the world. correct method education. Even before their appearance, children already have certain character traits, their own temperament. Each baby, while still in the womb, feels how desirable he is, how much the mother is waiting for his appearance and loves him even before birth. The style of upbringing and the style of attitude towards the child is also different for each parent, corresponding to his adult, mature character and capabilities.
And yet, how does it happen that the parents themselves make a long-awaited and beloved child unhappy? The answer to this question has child psychologist Jerome Kagan: Adults make a child unhappy by expecting more from him than he can; which set goals that the child is unable to achieve; who do not respect his opinion and do not take into account his interests; who impose standards on him that are not suitable for him. Thus, the ability to respect own child can add happy and joyful moments to your relationship. And disrespect will deprive him of the feeling of happiness.
"Respect - respectful attitude to someone based on the recognition of his merits. " How often do children complain that parents see and track all the mistakes, shortcomings and mistakes, but very rarely know how to assess the child's merits. The negative reveals itself earlier than the positive. Maybe that's why many parents, focusing on the failures of the baby, are no longer able to notice him good qualities and skills. If moms and dads first acknowledge the child's achievements and successes, and then talk about what did not work out, the child's self-esteem will have a much stronger foundation.
"To respect someone - to take into account someone's interests, take them into account and observe them." Phrases like: "Little still, let him grow up first!", "As I said, so it will be!" your opinion? " deprive the child of the illusion that he also has his place in this world, that he is a part of him, do not leave him feeling self-worth... Disregarding the interests of the child, deciding absolutely all issues for him, leaving no choice in anything, parents will not be able to instill in the child the ability to respect himself, his own interests. Growing up, he will feel from all sides his "unimportance", "uselessness", will say that he is "not interesting to others." Self-esteem will be very low. Since a healthy adequate self-esteem of a child is made up not only of the results of skills and real abilities. V adequate self-esteem both self-respect and respect and admiration of the child of significant adults and peers are necessarily included. Feeling the respect of others, especially parents, the baby feels more competent and confident. He seems to have a strong support that will always help even in difficult situations.
Parental love should be based on understanding and respect for the personality of the child, the desire to understand, see and appreciate the world through his eyes. Respect will give the child the opportunity to take initiative, be creatively free, and have his own vision on many issues. A child of any age, be it a toddler or already a teenager, is in dire need of a positive parental assessment, parental support. It is great if the child is always sure that he is loved and respected in the family, no matter what happens, no matter what act he does. Most often, in families where respect for each other reigns, if the relationship between parents and parents and children is based on the principles of respect, there are no particularly acute conflict situations. In such families, communicating on the basis of respect, parents and children know how to negotiate, without bringing matters to a showdown. If a child receives respect in his family, if he is never told: "Who are you to be listened to?" respectful relationship his parents to each other, he will be able to cope with any difficult situations in society (in the classroom or in the company of peers). He will behave in such a way that the guys will definitely find something to respect him for. If a child is interesting as a person to his parents, he will be interesting to the people around him. If a child from childhood is accustomed to the fact that his opinion is listened to, and not left unattended, he will be able to defend his own opinion in other respects. You just need to teach him to adequately and adequately defend his opinion, but this is already a topic for a separate conversation. The most important thing is that parents learn to accept the personality of the child, to hear him and listen. It so happens that, walking from school or kindergarten and incessantly, telling some stories of today, a child is surprised to find that dad or mom are already talking on the phone, or say with annoyance: “Well, shut up! Your mouth does not close at all! " For a parent, perhaps these are just familiar phrases that are no longer even filled with emotional meaning. The child, on the other hand, feels this moment unnecessary, uninteresting, offended. He becomes silent, or with a vengeance begins to chatter, attracting such childish, but so serious problems, more parental attention, receiving an even greater dose of irritation. Perhaps then he will copy a similar demeanor and style of relationship, and will treat the same way not only with parents, but also with his children.
Learn to respect your child! Teach him to respect you! Do not say things in front of your child that you will be ashamed of later. In situations where a young mother screams heart-rendingly at her companion on the bus, who accidentally touched her, at the seller in the store who gave a product that did not satisfy her, and the like, the child will experience a lot negative feelings from resentment and anger to shame. Try, first of all, to treat yourself with respect and dignity, then the baby will learn the same. Show the child by example and discuss options for him possible behavior in a given situation. Start to respect your child, take an interest in his thoughts and feelings, appreciate his openness and desire to share your experiences and impressions.
"Talents little man is a grain from which an outlandish plant can grow. Support, respect and faith are fertilizers for him, criticism and indifference are bad weather, wind, rain, snow. And if the wind blows too strongly and too often, then the grain may never rise ... "