You have to live separately from your parents. Psychologist: a person cannot be an adult until he moves away from his parents. Among those Russians who advocate the separation of adult children and parents

05.04.2019

Hello! I am 27 years old, my husband is 30. I have been together with my husband for 5 years, we have no children yet, we have been living in an apartment with his parents all this time. I try to maintain normal relations with them, although it is not easy, but I really want to live separately, "my family ". As a woman, I want to be the hostess in home, but home mother-in-law’s territory, she is used to running everything and I don’t feel comfortable. I tried for a long time to adapt, accept their way of life, but it didn’t work out. earnings, I received a good salary, but it was not enough to solve the housing issue. My father-in-law and my husband convinced me that we had to wait a bit, they would either exchange their apartment (they have 3 rooms), or sell the cottage to us for a down payment of the mortgage. But this it didn’t happen, the question dragged on for a long time. Although I didn’t insist, I didn’t consider myself entitled to share-sell someone else’s property (everything belongs to my husband’s parents), I counted on our earnings with my husband, I hoped that a little more and everything would work out financially and we will solve this issue. Then the husband found good job i I repeatedly tried to discuss the topic of separate living (at least in a rented apartment), but my husband refused, arguing that it makes no sense to pay for someone else's apartment. He offers to save up for his own housing. But this is simply unrealistic, especially since he does not want to go into a mortgage , and we have a loan for a car. These conversations reach scandals, I try to explain to him that I am no longer able to live with my parents, and all this time I lived like this only because I hoped for changes in this regard, but my husband did not understands me, says that it makes no sense to do something now, that everything suits him so far, but I’m just being capricious. I just don’t have the strength anymore. , and not with his parents! It offends me that I remain alone if I do not agree with the opinion of my mother-in-law and do not share their views on life, the husband in such cases prefers not to interfere in our conflicts. And I understand that if we stay with parents, it will soon come to divorce, I I can’t stand the emotional intensity. I love my husband, I don’t want to get a divorce, but I also don’t want to live with my parents for another 5-7-10 or more years I don’t agree. We want a child, but I’m afraid if a child is born now, there will definitely be no time or money to deal with housing. I don’t know how to convince my husband that we need to deal with this issue. At least for now try to live in a rented apartment, to understand that we can pull it financially. Sorry if it turned out crumpled, for the first time I am turning to a psychologist for advice!

Hello Ekaterina! let's see what's going on:

I really want to live separately, "with my family." As a woman, I want to be the mistress of the house, but the house of my parents is the mother-in-law's territory, she is used to running everything and I don't feel comfortable

it's normal and natural desire- live YOUR family to feel the boundaries of YOUR family! but having already agreed to live TOGETHER WITH his parents, you already showed that you were ready to accept this state of affairs and endure everything (although even THEN YOU would like to live separately), accordingly, you accepted the situation as such! and now you can't stand it, but your feelings are perceived as a whim - after all, you initially agreed to such a relationship! because no one took any action!

my husband doesn’t understand me, he says that it makes no sense to do something now, that everything suits him for now, but I’m just being capricious. I just don’t have the strength anymore. I want to live with my family

I understand that if we stay with our parents, then soon it will come to a divorce, I can no longer withstand the emotional intensity.

bring this to your spouse - that it’s hard for you, that years pass, and you still DO NOT have your own family, at home, even the main thing - in fact, there is NO relationship with your spouse, as with a husband, there is NO solution to common problems, since all boundaries are blurred , You live as if behind glass, and time is running out and you are aware of it! and already - the spouse will understand you or not - this is his choice! voice WHAT the relationship will come to if everything remains as it is - that you will emotionally move away, endure and eventually get divorced, as divorce turns out in this situation - this is the only way out of the boundaries of the current situation! and her husband also to choose - whether he wants the situation to be resolved in this way - if NO - then it is up to both of you to make a decision and look for ANOTHER way out, EXCEPT for divorce! Divorce is YOUR way! but - what solution can both of you offer to save the marriage? this is already together with your spouse and decide !!!

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Ekaterina,

I think you should start by taking your husband's unwillingness to leave his parents calmly, accepting it as a fact, as a given. And, therefore, recognize the full and unconditional right of her husband to have a different point of view from yours on this issue.

Such acceptance is necessary condition in order to at least take on a very difficult task - to convince another person.

But you don't even have that starting point yet.

You feel bad. You are not satisfied with the current state of affairs, and you see that the only the right way is to start living separately. The problem is that even if all the psychologists from the site "All Psychologists" say that you need to leave your parents to enter, decide whether to move or not, your husband will still be.

How can you act then?

After all, in fact, to convince another, and even more so to convince, is a whole art (not to be confused with manipulation, which, by the way, can also be art).

It includes, firstly, the ability to understand and accept the other, his needs, motives, values. Understand what is behind his position. To accept means to respect.

Very often, when we try to convince someone, we start by simply imposing our point of view. This only leads to strife.

The deeper we let's understand a person, the more accurately we will be able to assess why the proposed option does not suit him. Why isn't he coming to meet us?

And when we understand this, we can think about what is good, valuable for him, the alternative we offer can contain. Resentment and irritation with the one we want to win over to our side has not helped anyone yet. Therefore, it is better to replace them with enthusiasm and determination to achieve the desired goal.

Individual work with a psychologist can also help you understand the situation and find the best constructive way out from her. You are welcome.

Sincerely.

Alyokhina Elena Vasilievna, psychologist Moscow

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Catherine, hello. On the one hand, you want to live separately and this desire is understandable and natural, but there is another side - filled with doubts about what exactly should be done and how to decide. As if there is no clear solution, it somehow blurs, perhaps from the feeling of helplessness that is now there.

Might be worth discussing with your spouse. family counseling, a specialist will help you hear each other.

Or you will think about your personal psychotherapy, when you build clear boundaries in your "head", then there will be no other decisions and assumptions, there will be a clear idea of what exactly you want and what to do.

Take care of yourself.

WITH Best wishes, psychotherapist Nadezhda Zharinova, Moscow

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There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to leave parental home and decide to face big world. Just the thought of being able to have fun "on your own territory" as you please, arrange it as you please and go about your business like an adult can be delightful. But there are many more things you should know before you start living on your own. It is better to prepare in advance for the obligations that come with this new freedom. Our article will help you take this decisive step.

Steps

Part 1

How to make a living

Pass the interview. An interview is a chance to convince the head of the human resources department that you have all the makings to do this job better than other applicants. You must use all your charm to get this position. Remember, the ultimate goal is to get a job.

Keep a positive attitude. Do your best to get a job that will keep you afloat. Looking for a job can be quite stressful, but to be successful, you must never give up. Rest assured that you will get the position you are applying for.

If you have little to no work experience, searching can be frustrating. Understand that you may be limited in some ways, but you have something to brag about in other areas. Focus on what you have to offer.
If lack of experience is the problem that constantly haunts you in your search, consider how you can acquire the necessary practical knowledge. For example, an internship or volunteering is suitable for this purpose. It can be annoying to work for nothing, but you need to start somewhere.

Get a higher education. If you are having difficulty getting a job, or the job you want requires a college degree, then the university is the best solution For you. It takes time and effort to get a diploma or certificate, but in the end you will be more in demand in the labor market than without education. Take a look at local low-cost educational institutions and find out what kind of program they offer.
- Many universities have hostels where you can learn how to live on your own. Sometimes meals are included in the price. If you or your parents cannot afford university housing, a scholarship can cover these expenses or some of them. Find out at the local educational institution what options do you have.
- Universities often offer the opportunity to study and work at the same time. This part-time job will help you gain experience and gain good recommendations which will come in handy when you are looking for a job after graduation. "Work + study" is usually part of the scholarship program. All details can be found in the scholarship department.
Think about serving in the military or government agencies. The army and similar programs provide training, support and advice to young people regarding independent living. Here you can be helped to take your place in the labor market after graduation. Contact your local representative and find out about the directions that interest you, or view vacancies in government structures.

Part 2
How to save budget
1. Find a neighbor. Share with someone the cost of housing - great way save money and start living independently. Ask your friends, maybe someone wants to live together and share the cost of rent and utilities. It may be worth looking for a few neighbors to further reduce housing costs.
  - It is best to ask friends and relatives for help when looking for neighbors. You can also search for roommates online, but check the reviews of each potential roommate and find out more about them before you move in with someone you don't know at all.
  - Sometimes you can conclude a separate contract for each of the tenants, and then you will pay for the apartment separately.
  - Renting in some areas may be cheaper than others. If you find an apartment that you can afford, then you won't need a neighbor at all.
2. Look for housing. If you have found a neighbor who is already renting an apartment, you can skip this step. If not, then start a joint search for an apartment / house. Most likely, both of you will have to sign a lease.
  - Call residential complexes in your city and ask a little. How much is the rent? What kind public Utilities included in the price? Are the apartments rented with furniture? These questions will give you necessary information to make a decision.
  - Be aware that there is often an initial fee, as well as a security deposit and/or first and last month. You may also have renter's insurance on your shoulders. Make sure you have enough savings to cover these additional costs.
  - Pay it all required fees and sign the contract. The standard practice is a yearly contract, but sometimes 6 month or even monthly rental options are available, which is great if you want to check if the place or neighbor is right for you.
  - Once you've decided on an apartment, before you move in, take photos of the inside and outside as proof that some damage has already been done before you. Write down the shooting date and set the pictures aside for safe place in case you need them.
  - Make sure you understand all the rules in new apartment If you don't stick to them, then trouble may arise. Are pets allowed? If yes, is there an additional deposit?
3. Negotiate. If you have a roommate, decide how you will share the responsibilities. Agree on how you will share the costs. Such simple things, if decided in advance, will help to avoid many troubles in the future.
  - Set ground rules. Discuss issues such as noise, duties, utility bills, smoking, guests, and the consequences of breaking these agreements. It's not a bad idea to draw up a cohabitation agreement in order to reach an agreement and clearly understand what is expected of each of you in order to avoid conflicts in the future.
4. Connect utilities. If utilities are not specified in the lease - contact the companies that provide these services and apply for connection. You need to find out which companies in your area deal with water, gas, electricity, garbage collection, telephone and Internet connections, contact them and clarify the plan of action. You may need a copy of your rental agreement, so be sure to take it with you.
  - Combine services. Often companies providing telephone connection and the Internet, offer the use of several services at a substantial discount.
  - Since you have to pay utility bills, it is worth sticking to the principle of energy saving. Buy energy-saving light bulbs and don't forget to turn off the lights. Go to bed early. When it gets a little chilly, cover yourself with blankets instead of turning on the heat right away.
5. Schedule your budget. You will need to write down all expenses (rent, utilities, food, and so on) and income and create a fund allocation plan. Control in cash, perhaps the most important component of independent living. It is necessary to distribute money in such a way that it is enough for all current expenses.
  - Do not allow yourself to spend more on leisure activities (bowling, going to the movies or cafes, and so on) than your budget allows. Otherwise, you won't be able to pay your bills.
  - Be sure to budget for non-essential expenses such as gas, insurance, furniture, clothing, repairs, and so on. Try to save a little from each salary in case you urgently need money in the future.
6. Pay your bills on time. You will need to keep track of the due dates of all your payments. It is necessary to decide where the money from each paycheck will go. Try to develop a strong habit of paying everything on time so that delays do not affect your financial situation.
Part 3
How to develop essential life skills
1. Do household chores. Mom and dad will no longer ask you to take out the trash or remind you to clean the room. It's time to understand why they did it all. Doing household chores is important to avoid unpleasant odors and unwanted "tenants" like cockroaches, mice, and ants.
  - Clean up the mess every day, especially when it comes to food. Sweep the floor, vacuum the carpets, wipe the countertops and the stove top. It is also worth at least once a week to clean the bathroom and toilet and do wet cleaning of the whole house.
  - Wash things regularly. Clothes will pile up. If you don’t really want to wade through the rubble of dirty clothes, lay the laundry at least once a week. if you have washing machine- perfect; if not, you need to look for a laundry. Check the tags on your clothes to make sure you are washing everything properly.
  - Wash dishes every day. Dishes will collect in the sink and give off an unpleasant odor. It is better to wash it immediately by hand or in dishwasher. Do not forget to dry it and put it in its place.
  - Take out the trash as soon as it is collected full package. Garbage will give off an unpleasant smell, and more and more waste will be collected if you do not simply collect everything and take it out; the fact that your growing landfill will begin to attract mice and cockroaches is not even worth mentioning.

I myself lived with my parents and relatives. Moved to a rented apartment. share personal experience. I look deeper into the topic of separation than just the territorial division.

For those who do not yet know, "separation" in psychology is the separation of an adult child from his parents and his formation as an independent person.

Separation from parents is a very broad topic with psychological point vision. Living with parents greatly affects a person's thinking. I will not reveal all the subtleties here, but I will write more superficial moments so that everyone can understand and try them on.

When I studied the topic of separation, I heard that many people who are not separated are social phobes with a lot of fears. I didn't have this problem, so I don't have any experience with it. It is better to solve such questions with a psychologist or on your own by studying articles and videos of other people. For example, there are webinars by Denis Burkhaev - and. I have not studied these webinars specifically, but I am familiar with other materials of this psychologist, he says very competent things.

My separation experience

The issue of separation from parents touched me personally. When I finally decided to move, I was not 18, but not yet 30 years old. My view on the subject of separation may be useful to people within this age range.

I did not have any strong psychological fears. There was no need to move from parents to another city. financial question not so much worries, but spending money on a rented apartment is a significant part of the expenses for me.

I've been thinking about moving away from my parents for a long time. I do not only child in the family, the brother has a different outlook on life. He lives with his parents and it doesn't bother him. I always wanted a better life, I was strained by household inconveniences, the inability to create personal life, lack of responsibility.

I had doubts about whether to move out or not, but I weighed the pros and cons of living together and apart from my parents. I share with you my thoughts.

Benefits of living with parents

1. I don’t spend 25-35k a month on rent
This is really a big plus. This is the average salary in my city.
But I decided for myself this way: I allocate 60k to live for 2 months in a rented apartment. I spend this money and forget about it. If I don't like living separately from my parents, I'll come back. I am ready to acquire the experience of living separately from my parents by paying this amount.

2. No need to cook food
When you live with your parents, you can always have something to eat.
But I can cook my own food. In addition, I will also learn how to cook - this is a good skill.

3. No housework
You need to clean your room, but you don’t need to wash the floors in the hallway, wash the sink, toilet, stove.
But it's not a problem. I wash everything I need. At the same time, I find out how to wash the toilet, what is there, there seemed to be some kind of “Duckling”. It is not good at my age not to have experience in such everyday matters.

4. Experience of parents: how to iron, wash, screw
Parents can be asked how to make arrows on trousers, how to wash things: inside out or not.
But that's not a problem at all. Now all this can be found on the Internet.

5. You can count on the help of parents
There were cases when I ordered delivery of something by a courier to my home, but I myself was not at home. It's good that someone can help in such a situation.
But such situations do not happen often. And in general, sooner or later, parents will not be able to help in this, you need to become independent.

Cons of living with parents

1. Frequent noise in the apartment
It is impossible to work productively and engage in self-education. Work requires concentration. Reading books also requires a more relaxed atmosphere.

2. The toilet, bath, kitchen are often occupied
I wake up and instead of going to wash and cook food, I wait until all this is freed. Often my "morning" begins in the afternoon. And life goes on.

3. Dirty dishes in the sink, other people's things scattered around the apartment
I don't like dirty dishes in the sink when you don't pour water into the kettle. I do not like it when other people's personal belongings are scattered around the apartment.

4. Uncomfortable to bring a girl
Of course, you can bring, but we will not be comfortable here. Yes, and the girl may not want to go to an apartment in which other people are behind the wall.

5. Overprotectiveness
A child will always be a child for parents. They want to make their child better, protect him from some worries (not everyone is like that, on the contrary, they load someone). I had a guardian. When your parents try to do everything for you, a dependent person grows up. Being independent is important, especially for a man.

6. You can not build your life
If you want to invite someone to visit, it's inconvenient. Making improvements in the apartment is inconvenient, parents are against changes. Many restrictions due to living with parents.

7. Influence of parental thinking
The environment affects us. People who watch TV say that you can’t earn big money honestly, that all the rich have stolen, that you need to go to work like everyone else for a meager salary - this negatively affects. I have a different mindset.

Benefits of living apart from your parents

1. Independence, responsibility for your life
Yes. This is what I want.

2. Personal territory, order in the apartment
Yes. This is what will delight me when I walk around the apartment.

3. You can bring a girl
When you want, as much as you want, as much as you want. Comfortable conditions.

4. Calm atmosphere
You can work productively, study useful information and not be distracted.

5. Gaining experience in everyday life
Learning to do housework is a rewarding experience.

6. Household comfort, freedom
I wanted to use the toilet, bath, kitchen - everything is free. You can invite anyone, anytime.

Disadvantages of living apart from parents

1. Cash spending 25-35k per month
The amount, of course, is not small.
But I will spend money, but I will get experience. If you don't like it, I'll be back. I'll still make money.

2. You need to cook food
I will spend my time preparing food.
But cooking potatoes, buckwheat, frying a cutlet is not difficult and does not take long. I can handle it. But I will learn how to cook.

3. Housework
I will spend time cleaning the house.
But I will learn to take care of the house, I will learn about all these households, mops, rags.

4. No one will help
He will not insure, he will not give worldly advice.
But sooner or later you still have to deal with it yourself. Better now than if everything falls apart later. And in general, now on the Internet you can learn a lot.

5. Sad to not be around parents who might need help
Parents are not young, anything can happen.
But I don’t leave my parents, I don’t fly to the other side of the world. You can contact by phone. If they need help, I'll help.

6. It may not be safe to leave expensive items in the apartment.
Maybe the landlord will turn out to be a thief or the apartment will be surrounded by burglars.
But of the valuable things in the apartment will be only a laptop. And it is no longer the laptop itself that is valuable, but its contents. Backups solve this problem.

These are specifically my pros and cons of living together and separately from my parents. You may have some of the same points, and may be others. Think through your list of pros and cons, and then it will be easier for you to decide whether to move out from your parents or not.

After compiling my list, I clearly understood that I wanted to live separately from my parents. If you don't want to move out forever, then at least give it a try. Money spent is just money that can be earned. And I won't get back the time of my life.

In the end, I found a rented apartment and moved.

What did I gain from separation

The day has become longer, even despite the fact that you need to go to the store and cook food. I get more things done. I wake up early in the morning happy with life I do all my morning chores. Nobody interferes.
Learned to cook.
Gained experience in shopping planning.
Learned how to do household chores around the house.
Personal life.
Thoughts stopped arising: “I’ll meet a girl, a date, and what’s next, where to bring her?” internal state has changed. Yes, and a guy who does not live with his parents is more attractive to girls. More acquaintances with girls.
A responsibility.
Every day I make small decisions: what will I eat today, should I go to the store, should I defrost meat, is it over? household chemicals, laundry, ironing, house cleaning. When a person takes a lot, even such small decisions, then his psyche gets used to being independent.
New thoughts in my head.
I guess everyone has their own thoughts. Both good and bad. I won't talk about mine.
felt complete freedom and a bunch of possibilities. Here are my rules.
A pleasant feeling "I can provide for myself." Here I am in my territory, I cooked my own food and ate well.

What did I lose when I moved?

Money to pay for an apartment.

It's all. The benefits of moving are clear.

Results of the move

The time I spent on cooking, shopping, etc., I consider not wasted, but invested in my skills. But with money, the situation is different, because paying that kind of money for rent is still too much for me now. But this is a reason to earn more.

Renting an apartment is not financially profitable, but psychologically profitable. In general, living separately, there are more opportunities for getting a good income, but this takes time. They say that you need to get used to living separately from your parents, then there will be a motivation to provide for yourself, and you will earn as much as you need.

Now I see a good temporary option for renting a 2-3 room apartment with like-minded people. So that it was not a communal apartment with drunks, but with developing personalities. People who want to separate themselves from their parents are precisely those who strive for the best in life. It will be nice to live in the same apartment with such people. It turns out a triple benefit: separation, economic benefit, good environment. Therefore, those who cannot afford to rent a separate apartment can rent an apartment with like-minded people. You can find an ad or create your own on the page.

So is it worth moving away from your parents or not?

Have you answered this question for yourself yet? Haven't opened websites with ads for renting apartments yet?

If you want to be realized as a person, then of course move!

If possible, move out. At least for a couple of months. Spend that money on maybe best stage in your life, spare no money for it. Spend and forget about them. Having lived separately, you most likely will not want to return to your parents.

Learn how to avoid common mistakes when separating, how to tell your parents that you want to live separately and answers to many other questions can be found in Denis Burkhaev's webinar -.

Very often, children mature for a long time before flying out of the parental nest. After all, it is so convenient to live: food is always ready, the apartment is always tidied up, things are ironed. Of course, it is possible that adult children also have their own responsibilities at home, but still this cannot be compared with the responsibility that awaits them in an independent life. When to start living separately from your parents?

I want to note right away that I am not considering this issue through the prism of psychology, but I am just speaking my opinion, based on the experience of many girls whose letters I have received over the course of several years.

If you are a mature mature girl

So, a girl is not ashamed to live with her parents even in adulthood, unlike a guy. But this does not mean that it should be completely dependent on them. You need to learn to take responsibility for your life, earn money, do household chores. When an adult 25-year-old girl lives on her parents' money, does nothing at home and generally behaves as she pleases, this is not normal.

But at the same time, at that age, she should have a certain freedom. If parents continue to treat their daughter like a little girl, forbidding her to come in late, meet friends or do what she likes, the situation becomes critical. Most often, it is precisely because of dissatisfaction with relationships within the family that girls think about when to start living separately from their parents.

Sometimes such dissatisfaction significantly spoils the life of a girl, nevertheless, she continues to live with her parents, complaining that she does not have the financial opportunity to live separately. To this I would like to say the following.

If you are already 18 years old, you have brains and at least a little self-confidence, then starting to earn money is not a problem. Yes, you may not have the money to rent your own apartment right now. But you can start earning money (or work full-time) and save what you earn to rent an apartment.

If, having everything that I described above, you are still convinced that this is impossible, then you are accustomed to being in a state of sacrifice and feeling sorry for yourself all the time. Don't want to change anything? Are you afraid to take responsibility for your life? Then live with your parents and don't complain. The worst thing is to take the first step. Behind him is the unknown, but it will disappear after you begin to act.

If you are under 18

If you are wondering when to start living separately from your parents, but you are not of legal age, you need to consider the situation globally.

There are situations when living with parents is actually dangerous and threatens psychological trauma. This dysfunctional families, families in which the father drinks and beats, when the child (albeit an adult) lives in constant fear for his life. In these cases, you need to do what is best for you. It doesn't matter if you are 16 or 20.

But if your family is prosperous, you just got tired of the constant instructions of your parents, their prohibitions, requests and morals, then stop and exhale. You never learned to show respect to your elders. This time. You are unable to defend your point of view. This is two. You don't want to be held responsible for your parents behaving this way. It's three. All this is a picture of an immature person who will still have to learn all this in adulthood outside the parental home.

Wouldn't it be better to learn how to swim first before going to swim across the river? You have not gone through the basic lessons that a child in a family should go through. So don't be in a hurry. Learn to put up with what doesn't suit you. Learn to defend your "I". Learn to navigate between the one and the other.