The touch became unpleasant. Seduction and power. Fear of touch: internal causes

Question to the psychologist:

Hello.

I have been married to my husband for 15 years. On this moment 5 children. I am tired of my husband's misunderstanding and irritability. Mom raised me in severity, did not allow any liberties in relation to the guys. Future husband loved me, and I allowed myself to be loved. After 5 years of courtship, he still married me to himself. With sex we somehow did not work out right away. I was a virgin and I was very afraid wedding night... I understood what was needed, but could not. Every night of the ball was torture for me. He tried to relax me with valerian, alcohol, tried to take by force. Everything happened after a month of attempts. I was scared and hurt. After that, all 15 years I tried to find different excuses to avoid intimacy. He is tired of always refusing him. Sometimes I step over myself and give in, but I understand that I don’t need it. I am annoyed by his touch, I try not to show it, but I myself am waiting for the end. Although, when the initiative comes from me, then everything goes mind-blowing. But then I close again. I am glad when I have critical days and I have the right to relax. Pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding are all that relieve me of conjugal debt... He made me think that I was frigid. And I almost believed it. But about a year ago, almost in front of my husband, I began an affair with his handsome friend. I cheated on my husband for the first (and, I hope, the last) time. My "roof" was blown off. There was passion and mutual desire. There could be no talk of any frigidity.

Maybe I can't live without love? Against the background of the lack of intimacy, we began to alienate from each other, became more irritable. It turns out vicious circle... I can't get close to my husband after a quarrel, irritability. Usually the spouses reconcile at night, but this is not about us. In my case, intimacy and love are synonyms. And if my husband allows himself an insult and a boorish attitude towards me, then I close myself even more. Please, help. I understand that I am doing wrong, that I am selfish. How can I step over myself and overcome my complexes?

The psychologist Draga Natalia Igorevna answers the question.

Hello Tatiana!

Perhaps 37 years old is not the most suitable age for such abstinence. Therefore, I really hope that my recommendations will be useful to you.

Let's start with the fact that on female sexuality and attraction is primarily influenced by emotions. Accordingly, sexual problems women are solved by psychological solutions.

The husband's "misunderstanding and irritability" will not have a beneficial effect on the situation.

To begin with, talk to him frankly, tell him that you love and want to keep the marriage, return, or rather, bring passion into your relationship!

To do this, offer him a friendly form of communication for a while. This does not mean that you will live like strangers in the same territory, but that you will be friends in the truest sense of the word.

During your "friendship", think about what attracted you to your lover?

Most likely appearance.

Take care of your husband's image change. Sign up together in a gym, start jogging in the morning. Douse it with your loved ones male perfume... Buy him new pajamas or home bathrobe, present a new shirt or, conversely, a tracksuit.

It is clear that the transition from friendship to intimacy must be initiated by you! But only when you want it. And for this, think about what you want in sex? What turns you on? What have you never tried before?

I'm more than sure that you've never looked erotic films and didn't go to sex shops. It's time to start! When you have fantasies - do not hesitate, tell your husband about them.

Well, a piece of advice that may sound like a mockery to a mother of 5 children is to avoid stress and fatigue.

"Why is there dislike when touching intimate places, although touching all other parts of the skin is pleasant?"

Marina Voronova, psychologist answers:

Hello Olga!

The problem you are writing about is only at first glance insignificant and imperceptible. But she interferes with life full life, interferes with receiving the whole range of sensations and pleasures that spouses can give each other in an intimate life.

Unpleasant sensations that arise when touching intimate places, most often associated with anchors - negative impressions and associations that developed in childhood. Let us analyze this problem using the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan.

Reaction to touch

The intimate zone is perceived by many as something dirty, shameful, touching the genitals is indecent, shameful and disgusting. This is instilled in children, who in childhood, knowing themselves, begin. Parents and caregivers kindergarten who see that the child is touching their genitals, begin to scold him, speak hurtful words, sometimes even hit on the hands, punish. That is, in every possible way they suggest that this should not be done, this is bad!

A lot of people talk about these memories with a shudder, the boys are promised to "cut it off, so as not to interfere", the girls "sew it up so that their hands do not get in there." This leaves a powerful negative imprint on the child's psyche.

Since such situations most often occur deep in childhood, a person ceases to remember what exactly happened, but very clearly and for a long time remembers negative attitude to these places. Therefore, touching becomes unpleasant (after all, it is "dirty and embarrassing").

Heard

What else can cause such an attitude towards intimate places? A mate heard in childhood can also become a painful anchor. If a child, having heard a swear word somewhere on the street, asks his parents for its meaning and gets angry negative reaction, then remembers: "everything connected with these places is bad, dirty, ashamed."

Especially dangerous is the mate pronounced by the parents when the father speaks in front of his daughter bad sense about intimate places (all curse words about intimate), devalues ​​the relationship between a man and a woman.

Seen

There is one more thing that can leave an indelible negative mark on the child's psyche. This is the seen intercourse of the parents. When a child sees that his parents are having sex, he has the most unpleasant associations. “How can they do this ?! This is so horrible!" - approximately the same thoughts arise in children. This is fixed in memory and subsequently can manifest itself not only in hostility to touch, anorgasmia and other psychosomatic problems of the intimate sphere can occur.

Sexual function in marriage plays crucial role, and when even touching intimate places is unpleasant, this greatly complicates the maintenance of a full sexual life between spouses.

What to do in this situation?

Your situation is fixable. To get rid of these anchors and bad associations, you need to understand the situation, if possible, remember under what circumstances and when the anchor was set. Re-understanding, looking at this situation from the point of view of an adult, will allow you to change your attitude, get different associations and impressions.

This can be done at the training system-vector psychology Yuri Burlan. Hundreds of women who underwent the training wrote in their results that they stopped experiencing unpleasant sensations from intimacy, some were able to get an orgasm for the first time.

“… Understanding was revealed true love and its meaning. For the first time in my life I felt spiritual unity with a man ... My sexuality began to develop completely in an unexpected way... Extraordinary sensations, constant exploration of yourself and your partner. Yes, there is no bottom! Penetration into each other in body and soul is the highest grace that could only be given to us! The attitude towards sex has changed and own body... From this, more attention from realized men, as well as brighter sexual relations with a partner ... "

“... I open completely new world enjoyment and intimate communication, in which two people can be completely naked in front of each other physically and mentally and not be ashamed of themselves, not to act out some scenarios, but to learn together that which will never get bored, which will never end ... I was able to relax and take off my shackles and locks. I could believe and trust. I could enjoy it. I could see how much fun there is! Instead of, as before, constantly thinking about how I look, how good I am in bed and whether my husband will ever leave for another ... "

Marina is 29 years old, she has many friends, she goes on dates, loves to dance ... She gives the impression of a person who gets along with herself. Except for one thing: Marina cannot stand friendly hugs, other people's hands on her shoulder. “I just cringe, and sometimes I even start to choke when someone unexpectedly touches me. It's worse than being naked in public. " Why is she so annoyed with ordinary gestures that the other person would not pay attention to?

Invisible footprints

“The body retains invisible traces of our past,” explains psychotherapist Margarita Zhamkochian. - Often, those who are afraid of other people's touch in childhood had complex tactile relationships with their parents, primarily with their mother. This connection is best revealed by psychoanalysis: in the process of work it often turns out that the mother was too compulsively squeezing the child or, conversely, rarely hugged him. "

If you carefully observe yourself, it may turn out that intolerance to touch does not wear general, but is aimed at completely specific people- and often on the one who most attracts and arouses the desire for intimacy. Perhaps behind this is negative belief: sex is always dirt and danger. It is also learned from parents and turns any touch into an indecent hint, almost an attempt, which must be resisted.

“In each case, there is a reason for rejection of physical contact, but it always speaks of a person's desire to forget about their experiences. painful sensations"- continues the psychotherapist.

The past is locked

"Hands remember!" - we say when we remember some forgotten skill. We intuitively know that the body retains a memory of many of our past experiences. And we can describe our life in bodily images: "I was then very thin and weak", "This scar is from those times when I fought all the time - then I could beat anyone", "Grandma said that I had my father's hands" ...

“Protecting ourselves from other people's touches, our body seems to be hiding - from others and from ourselves - something unpleasant from the past,” explains Margarita Zhamkochian. - Sometimes a person may even have imaginary skin diseases or other psychosomatic manifestations, as long as they do not touch him - in the literal and figurative sense. "

Border control

Of the five senses, only touch is mutual: not only we touch the other, but he also touches us. “If in a conversation someone starts touching me too often,” says 33-year-old Ksenia, “it immediately seems to me that he allows himself too much, almost disposes of me as property. This is annoying. "

Many find it difficult to draw boundaries between themselves and others: they either survive the invasion or they themselves attack. Such people do not feel protected - neither physically nor mentally - and instead of contacting outside world defend against him.

In man main defense inside: this is the feeling of your "I", yourself as an integral personality

“These animals need external protective equipment: shell, needles, claws ... - says Margarita Zhamkochian. - And a person has the main protection inside: this is the feeling of his “I”, of himself as an integral person who has the right to live among other people. And this protection makes us invulnerable to any intrusion, which means it saves us from painful experiences and the need to defend ourselves. "

“As a child, I hated it when I was patted on the cheek, pressed to me. I “fled” from adults - I dodged their hands, - recalls Svetlana, 28 years old. - I really began to suffer from physical contact at the age of 16. I blushed a lot when they just approached me - it doesn't matter whether a stranger or a friend. I got eczema ... Working with a psychoanalyst, I realized that the problem was in my confrontation with my mother: she tried to possess me completely, and I resisted this. To the point that she turned her skin into a shell so that I would not be touched. Fortunately, now I have dealt with it. "

Does he (she) avoid your kisses, dodge so as not to feel your hand on his shoulder? Do not get angry: in most cases, it is not you that is rejected, but the meaning that a person puts into your movements. Give in to the initiative: for example, when meeting, do not try to hug, but say: “It's so good that we met! Will you kiss me?" So you give the person the opportunity to solve this issue on their own and save him from the feeling of invasion of his personal space.

Suggest a different greeting ritual, with or without touch, as long as it is pleasing to both.

What to do?

1. Explore the reasons

Recall which touch is the most annoying for you, and ask the person you trust to gently touch you that way. Listen to the feelings and associations that arise and mentally move back to the past. At some point will come forgotten memory- at first glance, not associated with touch, but capable of suggesting where the unpleasant experiences began.

2. Analyze the situation

What exactly is unpleasant for you in this touch? In what other situation or with another person was the same touch more acceptable to you? Reflecting in this way will reduce anxiety.

3. Touch yourself

Learn to feel the pleasure of your own touch. Every evening, lubricate with cream and massage hands, feet, use body milk. It will relieve daytime stress as well as provide a pleasant and safe touch experience.

4. Strengthen your internal defenses

Feel where exactly in the body you feel your "I". Place your hand on this spot. Describe the image that has arisen: is there light, space, form. What does it look like? Maybe it's a fire or a source ... This will be your individual self-image. If you do this exercise for 30-60 seconds once a week, you will notice how the image gradually changes and takes a different place. This feeling of one's "I", that inner protection, will itself be included in the right moments and will support you.

About the expert

Psychotherapist, social psychologist, director psychological center charitable foundation"Victoria".

Question to the psychologist:

Hello! I have not quite common question, the touch of others is unpleasant to me, it is unpleasant when they embrace, kissing, in no way at all. Hairdressers, masseurs - I admit it, but no more. Although I communicate well with people, and hugs are unpleasant, no intimate relationships it is unacceptable, just as unpleasant to touch your own body, especially in the shower, when I comb my hair, etc., it is unpleasant to look at myself in the mirror, all the more so, although they are made by professionals. If I like a man, he is not available to me, it fuels my excitement. It was like that at school, when in grade 11 I liked school teacher, but the fact is that he later invited me to the cinema, although he was not free, and when he wrote to me that he liked me, I hated him immediately, the excitement disappeared, when he touched me it became even more unpleasant. This teacher is good as a person, but he did everything as it was convenient for him, and I dropped everything and came to him, although I was uncomfortable, I did everything to "deserve" him or something. There was another case, I met a guy who is 10 years older than me, he humiliated me, wiped my feet, and I liked it, so to speak, again, when he touched, it was terribly disgusting. In general, when a man makes a compliment, then I'm ready to kill him, but the one who is married, a moral monster, stomps his feet, does not reciprocate, causes such a desire, I am directly attracted to such. My girlfriends run away from many guys, and I am a direct magnet to perverts, married people, maniacs, cold men ... I like the inaccessible, who do not pay attention at all. When I saw myself naked, I vomited, it’s stressful to take a shower, although I saw corpses, the blood of other people and was not at all scared, everything is fine, but as I look at myself, I’d better look at the corpses, they don’t bother me at all. I study at the university, the boys in the university never paid any attention to me, neither at school, nor at the university. The girls laugh a little, as if they feel something and not every one fits.

Psychologist Alexandra Alexandrovna Opaleva answers the question.

Hello. What is your question? If you are suffering from unpleasant sensations when touched, then this is most likely due to increased sensitivity body. You need to seek help from a neurologist, and it would also be nice to visit a psychiatrist.

If you are worried that you enjoy communicating with "perverts, married, maniacs, cold men", then most likely with the help of their "bad" treatment to yourself, you are punishing yourself. The question is then to you - for what do you punish yourself? Where did the hatred for your body come from? Or is it due to the inability to touch yourself?

This option is also possible, you like it when you are dominated. The so-called masochist-sadist relationship. If you want to change them, as well as change your attitude towards yourself, then I am afraid that you will not be able to cope on your own. I need the help of the specialists I mentioned earlier.

Also, perhaps you have one of the manifestations of body dysmorphophobia, which also does not resolve on its own.

Until you decide to visit a specialist, try the following - compose a portrait perfect guy, as well as how you should be next to him. Think about what prevents you from achieving this perfect image... Describe the steps on the path to the future ideal Karpenko, taking into account all the obstacles. Also consider how you will get around obstacles.

About accepting your body. You can try to accustom yourself to touch gradually. For example, take a velvet fabric or silk and start by stroking the brushes, then, as you get used to the sensations, increase the stroking area. Take your time, do everything gradually. When the whole body gets used to the fabric, you need to replace it with a coarser one. But you need to go to specialists, because if rejection is already approaching a painful level, you cannot do without help.