General questions of communication with the child. Parent meeting "unconditional acceptance of the child"

One of the questions that I often have to answer at seminars and meetings for parents: "How, by doing or not doing something, not to cause deep psychological trauma to your child"? The question is quite understandable. We carry ourselves as a generation of traumatized people from childhood. We visit psychoanalysts and personal growth trainings, wanting to find ourselves, understand ourselves, love ourselves, and so on. Everyone has a bunch of stories in their pocket where in childhood we experienced injustice, callousness, condemnation, a feeling of rejection.

Of course, we now want to lay a straw for our children so that they do not experience this in life and their psyche is strong as armor. What if the same thing happens to them as it does to us? Therefore, we are so afraid to set the boundaries of our own comfort with the child, constantly falling into sacrifice. To such an extent we look into the eyes of a child that over time we need to think about mental state mothers.

I know that what is written below has been said and written by me a hundred times already. But I understand that it is necessary to repeat this again and again, because, in my opinion, this is the basis of maternal behavior.

So, let's figure it out. What is one of the most important expectations a child has from a mother? Right. Unconditional acceptance. Namely, a deep, unshakable, fundamental knowledge that you are good and correct. From no one else in the world do we expect this more than from mom.

Yes, if the mother accepted us conditionally, within the boundaries of our own correctness, then we try to prove to ourselves and others that we are worthy. Worthy of love, attention, care, abundance. But it's in more late age when this basic knowledge is no longer there, and we are trying to get it.

The fear of a child to be bad for the mother is akin to the fear of death. In practice, the mother gives the right to the child live. Be yourself. If you were born somehow not like that, unfinished, wrong, weak, then, according to the laws of biology, no one will invest in you. They can simply stop caring for you, and you will die. The child is so dependent that without an adult it will not survive. When there is no unconditional acceptance, the child's anxiety rises sharply. He just needs to return the location of his mother, to show himself from the best side.

“Well, this is all clear,” they tell me. “We all accept and love our children. How could it be otherwise”? Often, acceptance is confused with the message "everything he does is good" and goes into the area of ​​indulgence. And when such a mother meets with inadequate ("bad") behavior of the child, she gives in and does not know how to set boundaries. For her, this is tantamount to rejection. The fear of injuring the child, who is perceived as an underdeveloped creature with a weak psyche, turns on, and the search for dances with tambourines begins in order to organize another ban.

I'm talking about Adoption where is the fear psychological trauma simply not, because we see and communicate with the child as mentally and physically strong and healthy. We look at him as a person, albeit small and dependent, but already strong and smart, who is interested in cooperating with us at his level and living in harmony.

Of course, I'm not talking now about parents who yell and beat their children for nothing. And believe me, the thought of some kind of injury does not even occur to them. I am now talking about parents who are trying to understand themselves and how to raise their children so that they are happy. And speaking in this context, I would like to touch on one important topic. Unconditional acceptance of your child begins with unconditional acceptance of yourself. If we do not accept ourselves as complete, then how can we see this in a child?

Tell me, why do we consider ourselves a generation of deeply traumatized people? After all, those who really went through real violence in childhood are few, and most of us grew up in more or less normal families. Yes, because we have been "finished" all the time (and are still being completed) to a "human". We still see a bunch of shortcomings in ourselves that we want to change. And not only us. The people around do not miss the opportunity to point them out to us, just as we hasten to point them out. And now we are all working on ourselves and working, striving for perfection, which has no limit.

There are two views on oneself and on the people around (including a child). First: I'm not good enough, which means that you need to do something special in order to become better. And here the bars are set, which you are constantly trying to achieve, the norms that you are trying to fit into, and the requirements that you are trying to fulfill. And this path is endless. It's such a constant race. Development for the sake of development.

Anxiety, as a rule, in such people is rabid. And they are already so accustomed to living with it that they don’t even notice it. They always see in themselves shortcomings that need to be improved and eliminated in order to finally become a "human". You can hear many self-deprecating phrases from them: I am stupid, I am fat, I am rude... Stopping in your pursuit of perfection is tantamount to degradation and death. And no one even thinks that this is just a childish habit to prove their right to their mother. live. Only now it's not mom, but the whole world.

Second glance: I am already good, correct, with my strong and weaknesses, limitations and talents. But the main thing is that I constantly develop and grow. Well, simply because a person is always developing and growing. It’s just that everyone has their own path: their own pace, their own cycles, their own tasks and goals. And me everything is already given For full life. And what is not given now will be given when there is a need, when I grow up. This is what they call be yourself.

So which of the two views do you look at yourself and your child? In the first case, the templates are more or less standard and come from outside. People are looking for great teachers who will finally teach them to be right, they listen little to themselves, their needs, their strengths. Well, how can you listen to yourself? You are “unfinished” and “you don’t understand anything in this life”!

In the second case, it is always individuality, realizing which in yourself, you begin to see in your child. You give him the right to be himself, even if he is different from you. Well, if it is good and correct, then it can be different. And then it becomes very interesting to observe the pattern of your child, his personality. This is the basis, the foundation of unconditional acceptance.

Such a look immediately sobers up the parents in their fears, and behind their ambitions they suddenly begin to see the child, his needs, his possibilities. And setting boundaries and prohibitions is just building relationships, like with any other a normal person. And then we provide help to children exactly where it is required, and not where it seems to us that he himself cannot cope.

However, we often benefit from the first glance. Why? Yes, because there is always a goal, there is always a race and the illusion of vigorous activity. And with a child, this is generally a vast scope for our ego. It just so happened that we know well how to take care of the weak and handicapped. Our society is like this. And if someone else is incompetent, like a child, then we always know where to apply ourselves.

Let's look at our children from birth as smart, physically and mentally strong. Yes, small ones. Yes, as long as they are not able to serve themselves. Yes, with their own characteristics. But full-fledged for the life they are meant to live. We help them grow by providing our opportunities, we care for them, we give advice, we set boundaries and prohibitions, but we do not look for weaknesses and shortcomings in them, looking into their eyes. We sympathize with the child when he fell while taking his first steps, when the boys in the yard took his hat from him, when he, doing his first teenage experiments, does stupid things - but we know that he has the strength for all this and he grows and develops.

We sympathize, but do not regret. Do you understand the difference? Very often, it is sympathy - to be close to a person in his feelings, without humiliating for weaknesses - that is so much lacking in order to rise from his knees and move on. Get up because the mother believes in her child, and the child believes in her very strongly. And with such a basis of "injury" that brings the world, will be just events for him. Priceless experience. And the mother will be the very harbor where he comes to remember that he is good and he will succeed.

Unconditionally accepting a child means loving him not because he is beautiful, smart, capable, an excellent student, assistant, and so on, but just like that, just because he is!

You can often hear from parents such an appeal to their son or daughter: “If you will good boy(girl), then I will love you. Or: “Do not expect good things from me until you stop ... (being lazy, fighting, being rude), you start ... (study well, help around the house, obey).” Let's take a closer look: in these phrases, the child is directly told that he is accepted conditionally, that he is loved (or will be loved) "only if ...". A conditional, evaluative attitude towards a person is generally characteristic of our culture. This attitude is embedded in the minds of children. The reason for the widespread evaluative attitude to children lies in the firm belief that rewards and punishments are the main educational means. Praise the child - and he will be strengthened in good, punish - and evil will recede. But here's the problem: they are not always trouble-free, these funds. Who does not know such a pattern: what more baby scold, the worse it gets. Why is this happening? Because raising a child is not training at all. Parents do not exist to develop conditioned reflexes in children.

Psychologists have proven that the need for love, for belonging, that is, for being needed by another, is one of the fundamental human needs. Her satisfaction is necessary condition normal development child. This need is satisfied when you tell the child that he is dear to you, needed, important, that he is just good. Such messages are contained in friendly glances, affectionate touches, direct words: “It’s good that you were born with us”, “I’m glad to see you”, “I like you”, “I love it when you are at home”, “I feel good, when we are together…". Renowned family therapist Virginia Satir recommended hugging a child several times a day, saying that four hugs are absolutely necessary for everyone just for survival, and for wellness You need at least eight hugs a day! And, by the way, not only to the child, but also to the adult. Of course, such signs of unconditional acceptance are especially necessary for a child, like food for a growing organism. They feed him emotionally, helping to develop psychologically. If he does not receive such signs, then emotional problems, deviations in behavior, and even neuropsychiatric diseases. Children are sincere in their feelings, and give absolute sincerity to any phrase spoken by an adult. The more often the parents get annoyed with the child, scold him, criticize him, the faster he comes to the generalization: "They don't like me." The arguments of parents like: “I care about you” or “For your own good” children do not hear. More precisely, they can hear the words, but not their meaning. They have their own, emotional, accounting. Tone more important than words, and if he is sharp, angry or just strict, then the conclusion is always unambiguous: "They don't like me, they don't accept me." Sometimes this is made out for the child not so much in words, but in a feeling of being bad, “not like that”, unhappy.

Important rules when communicating with a child:

1. You can express your dissatisfaction with individual actions of the child, but not with the child as a whole.

2. You can judge the actions of the child, but not his feelings, no matter how unwanted or "impossible" they were. Since they arose from him, then there are grounds for this.

3. Dissatisfaction with the actions of the child should not be systematic, otherwise it will develop into rejection of him.

Let's try to understand what reasons prevent parents from unconditionally accepting a child and showing it to him. Perhaps the main one is attitude to "education". Here is a typical replica of one mother. “How am I going to hug him if he hasn’t learned his lessons yet? First discipline, and then good relations. Otherwise, I'll ruin it." And mom takes the path of criticism, reminders, demands. Which of us does not know that most likely the son will react with all sorts of excuses, delays, and if the preparation of lessons - old problem, then open resistance. Mom from seemingly reasonable "pedagogical considerations" falls into a vicious circle, a circle of mutual dissatisfaction, growing tension, frequent conflicts. Where is the mistake? The mistake was at the very beginning: discipline not before but after establishing good relations, and only on the basis of them. There are many possible reasons for emotional rejection or even rejection of a child. For example, a child was born, so to speak, unplanned. His parents did not expect him, they wanted to live "for their own pleasure"; and now they don't really need it. Or they dreamed of a boy, and a girl was born. It often happens that the child is responsible for the violation marital relations. For example, he looks like a father with whom his mother is divorced, and some of his gestures or facial expressions cause her a dull dislike. Hidden reason can also stand behind the increased "educational" attitude of the parent. It can be, for example, the desire to compensate for one's life failures, unfulfilled dreams, or the desire to prove to the spouse and all the household one's extreme necessity, indispensability, "the weight of the burden" that one has to bear.

Sometimes in such cases, the parents themselves need the help of a consultant. But all the same, the first step can and should be taken: to think on your own about the possible reason for your rejection of the child. Small tasks can help with this.

Exercise 1

See how well you manage to accept your child. To do this, during the day (and preferably two or three days), try to count how many times you turned to him with emotionally positive statements (joyful greeting, approval, support) and how many with negative ones (reproach, remark, criticism). If the number of negative calls is equal to or outweighs the number of positive ones, then not everything is going well with your communication.

Task 2

Close your eyes for a moment and imagine that you are meeting your best friend(or girlfriend). How do you show that you are happy with him, that he is dear and close to you? Now imagine that this is your own child: here he comes home from school and you show that you are glad to see him. Represented? Now it will be easier for you to actually do this, before any other words and questions. It's good if you continue this meeting like this for a few more minutes. Don't be afraid to "spoil" him during those minutes, it's completely unthinkable.

Task 3

Hug your child at least four times a day (regular morning greetings and kisses at night do not count). Note: It's a good idea to do the same for adult family members.

Task 4

Performing the previous two tasks, pay attention to the reactions of the child, and to your own own feelings Same.

According to the book "Communicate with a child. How?" Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter

Solving the issue of unconditional acceptance of a child seems to be one of the primary tasks for successful development he has the ability to communicate.

Situation. Psychologists say that the child must be accepted, while they use the term "unconditional acceptance."

What does unconditional acceptance mean?

Solution. This means that there is no need to set any conditions such as: “If you study well, I will love you,” etc. The child must be accepted without any conditions.

Situation. Mom accepts her daughter without any conditions. But how can she, if necessary, express her displeasure with her?

Can a mother be angry with her daughter?

Solution. The displeasure of the mother should not be related to the personality of the child, but to his actions. The daughter must understand: what is done is wrong, bad. In addition, it is important that dissatisfaction with the daughter's action is not systematic, otherwise it may develop into rejection.

Discipline must be demanded not before, but after the establishment of good relations and only on the basis of them.

If the teacher unconditionally accepts every child, treats him warmly and kindly, notices any progress on the path to success, then the student’s worries, fears, defensive reactions are noticeably reduced. He speaks openly about his feelings, thoughts, experiences, without covering himself with a mask, remaining himself. Moreover, the greater the success, the higher the self-esteem, self-acceptance, self-respect. Such interaction between the teacher and the student ensures the development and self-actualization of the child's personality. This is precisely what the principles formulated on the basis of a personality-oriented model of interaction between an adult and a child are aimed at.

• maintain the student's sense of dignity and positive image"I";
• talk about the situation, the act and its consequences, and not about the personality and character of the child himself;
• mark shifts in personal growth by comparing the child with himself and not with other children;
• do not use negative value judgments, labels, negative programming;
• not to impose on the student, contrary to his desire, ways of activity and behavior;
• accept and approve all products creative activity student, regardless of content, form, quality, etc.

An important condition for optimizing the development of a child's personality is the ability of a teacher to realize in work with each of his wards individual approach, which differs not only in the method used, but also in the content of the relationship means.

The way a child learns whether adults accept him or, conversely, do not accept, is shown in Table. 4.1.

Table 4.1
Language of acceptance and rejection

Just as parents accept their children, so should children accept their parents.

Only by accepting your parents, by learning to see them as ordinary people with real advantages and disadvantages, the child will be able to accept and know himself, allow himself to love them without disappointment, resentment, with a light heart.

Ideal parents, just like children, does not exist. None of the adults managed to avoid the reproaches of their child. The topic of relationships with parents touches many of us. Sometimes we try to shift the responsibility for all our mistakes and failures to them, explaining them as a wrong childhood.

The source of suffering can be like a lack parental love, as well as its excess. Many children are dissatisfied with certain actions of their parents, with the fact that they force them to do what they would not like to do.

To accept your parents, you need to say goodbye to the childhood dream of an ideal dad and mom, just like mother and father once parted with the dream of perfect child. It is necessary to understand that parents cannot be perfect, learn to live with them as they are. To accept means to stop wanting them to be different. To accept means to turn to face your parents, to see them in the most different roles, and not just in the parent. It is necessary not to idealize parents, but to perceive them as ordinary people with their advantages and disadvantages - this will help children grow up and treat themselves better.

Parents and children are separate independent individuals for all their similarities.

The child must understand: he will not have other parents. If they start to seem like strangers, it's easy to lose hope of understanding with them.

To create warm trusting relationship mutual respect is necessary with the child.

Respect is a confirmation of the importance of a person in the world.

It is not enough to tell the child that the elders must be respected, it is also necessary to accept that the elders must also respect the child. Only on the basis of mutual understanding can it develop fully. An important role in the establishment and development of such mutual understanding is played by attention, generosity And hardness.

Attention- this is an interest in the world of the child, a willingness to look at things through his eyes, respect for his hobbies.

Generosity manifests itself when we are ready to overcome fatigue and headache after have a hard day and sit down to play with the child in his favorite game.

Hardness is the strict adherence to the rules that we have established. Children accept them because they help them navigate the world.

When communicating with your child, consider his needs.

Question. What is the main motive for communication?

Answer. IN general sense the other person is the motive for communication; For a child, it's an adult.

M. I. Lsiina identifies 3 groups of human qualities and, accordingly, 3 main categories of communication motives - business, cognitive and

Table 4.2
Motives of communication (according to M. I. Lisina)

Needs, motives and means of communication form stable states - forms of communication that change over time. childhood.

Thus, form of communication called the activity of communication certain stage its development, taken in the totality of its properties.

The form of communication is characterized by the following parameters:

• the time of its occurrence in ontogeny;
• its place in the system of general life;
• the main content of the need satisfied by children in this form of communication;
• leading motives that encourage the child to communicate;
• main means of communication.

During childhood, 4 various forms communication, which can be used to judge the nature of what is happening mental development child.

• Emotional and personal.
• Situational business.
• Extra-situational-cognitive.
• Extra-situational-personal.

The interlocutors must see that they both want to communicate.

What reasons prevent parents from unconditionally accepting a child and showing it to him? this is the mood for “education” the child was born, so to speak, unplanned dreamed of a boy, and a girl was born the child is responsible for broken marital relations, the desire to compensate for his life failures, unfulfilled dreams or the desire to prove to his spouse and all the family his extreme necessity, irreplaceability

Rules: You can express your dissatisfaction with the individual actions of the child, but not with the child as a whole. You can judge the actions of the child, but not his feelings, no matter how unwanted or "impossible" they were. !!! Since they arose from him, then there are grounds for this.

Tasks for parents Task one See how well you manage to accept your child. To do this, during the day (and preferably two or three days), try to count how many times you turned to him with emotionally positive statements (joyful greeting, approval, support) and how many with negative ones (reproach, remark, criticism). If the number of negative calls is equal to or outweighs the number of positive ones, then not everything is going well with your communication.

Task two Close your eyes for a minute and imagine that you are meeting your best friend (or girlfriend). How do you show that you are happy with him, that he is dear and close to you? Now imagine that this is your own child: here he comes home from school and you show that you are glad to see him. Represented? Now it will be easier for you to actually do this, before any other words and questions. It's good if you continue this meeting like this for a few more minutes. Don't be afraid to "spoil" him during those minutes, it's completely unthinkable.

THE FOUR OUTCOMES OF LEARNING The first and most obvious is the knowledge he will acquire or the skill he will master. The second result is less obvious: it is the training of the general ability to learn, that is, to teach oneself. The third result is an emotional trace from the lesson: satisfaction or disappointment, confidence or insecurity in one's abilities.

Rule 2 with continuation If the child is having a hard time and is ready to accept your help, be sure to help him. At the same time: Take upon yourself only what he cannot do himself, leave the rest to him to do. As the child masters new actions, gradually transfer them to him.

Tasks for parents Task one. Choose something to start with that your child is not very good at. Suggest to him: "Come on together!" Look at his reaction; if he shows willingness, work with him. Watch carefully for moments when you can relax ("let go of the wheel"), but do not do it too early or abruptly. Be sure to mark the first, even small independent successes of the child; Congratulate him (and yourself too!).

QUESTION: What should I do if I have no time to take care of my child? ANSWER: Apparently, you have "more important" things to do. It is worth realizing that you choose the order of importance yourself. In this choice, you can be helped by the fact known to many parents that it takes ten times more time and effort to correct what was lost in the upbringing of children.

On the difficulties and conflicts of interaction A problem that baffles adults: the child has completely mastered many obligatory tasks: - it doesn’t cost him anything to collect scattered toys in a box, - make a bed, or - put textbooks in a briefcase in the evening, etc. But he stubbornly does not do all this!

Reasons for "disobedience" You may not have gone all the way with him yet. maybe he just needs your participation, moral support. But more often the root of negative persistence and refusals lies in negative experiences (more often they arise between you and the child, in your relationship with him).

TONE OF COMMUNICATION No friendly, warm tone no way will do anything. This tone is the most important condition for success if your participation in the child's activities does not help, moreover, if he refuses your help, stop and listen to how you communicate with him.

Parents who want too much for their child tend to have a hard time themselves. They have neither the strength nor the time for their own interests, for personal life. The severity of their parental duty is understandable: after all, you have to drag the boat against the current all the time!

Conversation with children QUESTION: "If you had Magic wand What would you ask her for?" Answer: The girl thought for a long time, and then quietly and hesitantly answered: “So that I myself want what my parents want from me.” Conclusion: To what extent can parents take away his energy from a child? own desires!

Faced with a child's unwillingness to do anything that is supposed to be done for him - to study, read, help around the house - some parents take the path of "bribery". They agree to "pay" the child (with money, things, pleasures) if he does what they want him to do. This path is very dangerous, not to mention the fact that it is not very effective. Usually the case ends with the child's claims growing - he begins to demand more and more - and the promised changes in his behavior do not occur. Why?

A person successfully and enthusiastically engages in what he chooses himself, by inner impulse. Let's be more careful with external urges, reinforcements, stimulations of children. They can bring great harm, destroying the delicate fabric of the children's own internal activity.

How to avoid situations and conflicts of compulsion? It is worth taking a closer look at what your child is most interested in. It is good if your child tells you what exactly is interesting and important for him in these matters, and you can look at them through his eyes, as if from inside his life, avoiding advice and assessments.

Gradually, but steadily, remove your care and responsibility for the personal affairs of your child and transfer them to him. Transferring them responsibility for their deeds, actions, and then future life the greatest care you can show towards them.

Features and rules of conversation according to the method of active listening. First, if you want to listen to the child, be sure to turn around to face him. It is also very important that his and your eyes are on the same level. If the child is small, sit down next to him, take him in your arms or on your knees; you can gently pull the child to you, come up or move your chair closer to him.

Your position in relation to him and your posture are the first and strongest signals about how ready you are to listen and hear him. Be very attentive to these signals, which a child of any age “reads” well, without even realizing it consciously.

Second, if you are talking to an upset or distressed child, you should not ask him questions. It is desirable that your answers sound in the affirmative form. For example: - SON (with a gloomy look): I will no longer hang out with Petya! - PARENT: You were offended by him.

Thirdly, it is very important to "keep a pause" in the conversation. - After each of your remarks, it is best to be silent. - Remember that this time belongs to the child; - do not hammer it with your thoughts and comments. - The pause helps the child to understand his experience and at the same time more fully feel that you are near. - It’s good to keep quiet and after the child’s answer, maybe he will add something. - You can find out that the child is not yet ready to hear your cue by his appearance. If his eyes are not looking at you, but to the side, “inside” or far away, then continue to be silent: very important and necessary inner work is going on in him now.

Fourth, in your answer it is also sometimes helpful to repeat what you understand happened to the child, and then indicate his feelings. FOR EXAMPLE: SON (with a gloomy look): I will no longer hang out with Petya! FATHER: You don't want to be friends with him anymore. (Repetition of what was heard). SON: Yes, I don’t want to ... FATHER (after a pause): You were offended by him ... (Designation of feelings).

Signs that you are succeeding in listening to the child correctly: 1. The negative experience of the child disappears or at least greatly weakens. There is a remarkable regularity here: joy shared is doubled, grief shared is halved. 2. The child, having made sure that the adult is ready to listen to him, begins to talk more and more about himself: the topic of the narration (complaint) changes, develops. Sometimes in one conversation a whole tangle of problems and sorrows suddenly unwinds. 3. The child himself is moving forward in solving his problem.

4th sign of active listening. Gradually, parents begin to discover at least two more remarkable changes, more general. First, parents report it as a miracle that the children themselves begin to actively listen to them quite quickly. The second change concerns the parents themselves: -- - they feel that they are becoming more sensitive to the needs and sorrows of the child, - it is easier to accept his "negative" feelings.

When a child, overwhelmed with impressions, says "without closing his mouth," all he needs is your presence and attention. Psychologists have called this method "passive listening" passive, of course, only externally. Here are used short phrases and words, interjections, just mimic signs that say that you are listening and responding to children's feelings: “Yes, yes ...”, “Aha!”, “Really?”, “Tell me more ...”, “ Interesting”, “That’s what you said!”, “That’s it...”, “So what?”, “Wonderful!”, “Wow!..”, etc. Passive listening

Active listening this is the way to establish better contact with a child, a way to show that you unconditionally accept him with all his refusals, troubles, experiences. For the appearance of such contact, it may take some time, during which the child will be convinced that you have become more attentive to his problems.