Bad habits of older parents. What Happens When Aged Parents and Their Children Live Together

14.04.2019

One day, far from being a fine day, you suddenly clearly realize: your parents have passed, have grown old. And now it is necessary to build relationships with them somehow differently. But how?

Carmelita and others

You did not even suspect that your parents, to put it mildly, have such childish interests and strange assessments.

1. Mom avidly watches the television series "Carmelita" and strives to retell it to you on occasion. You shouldn't get into a skirmish with her and criticize the quality of our series. It is not known what interests you will have at her age.

2. The recipe for pickling cucumbers is also her special fad. And no matter how much you repeat that you are not interested in this, mom happily shares both old and new experiences. If you are pissed off by such topics, this does not mean that they are not important. The world is diverse, each of its details has its own unique meaning.

3. Dad is unhappy with everything and scolds everything. In his old age, he turned into a chronic grumbler. Empathize with your mom: she, unlike you, listens to this grumbling every day.

4. It makes no sense to enter into heated discussions with parents. They have their own righteousness, acquired by experience, you have your own, which, by the way, does not really bother your growing daughter.

What was his name?

We have to admit: the memory of the parents has become unimportant.

1. Mom presents as the freshest news a quarrel with a neighbor that happened a week ago. You need to be patient so that in Once again do not cut it off, that you no longer want to listen to this nonsense.

2. In addition, she is endlessly interested in what you are wearing, what is on your head, is it forgotten? a warm scarf... The topic "Don't catch a cold" suddenly surfaced decades later. How tired of repeating that you are no longer small! To bring down the degree of irritation, try to understand - after all, this is a concern, although already a little funny.

3. Parents confuse the names of your friends, as well as film actors and subway stations, while insisting on the absolute accuracy of their memory. Medicines can help them. But if you get angry in response, then no pills will relieve them of their feelings of guilt.

No irritation

It is difficult to contain it, but it is still possible.

Smile. Yes, it's hard to smile when people around you are annoying, but it really helps.

A good mood brings a smile, but this connection also has the opposite direction: an arbitrary smile has a beneficial effect on our well-being.

Look to the future. Imagine how you will react to this situation in a few years.

You may not even remember the unpleasant incident. So is it worth worrying now?

Count to ten before answering your opponent. Did not help? Increase the number next time.

Eat a banana. Excellent and, most importantly, tasty way calm down quickly. Bananas contain the "joy hormone".

Bad habits of older parents

Speaking of pills. Parents swallow them in handfuls, going to doctors, receiving prescriptions and regularly taking everything.

1. Their faith in the sanctity of medicine, especially folk medicine, is difficult to shake. Isn't it better to find one good doctor, which they will believe and which will reduce the "chemistry" to the necessary minimum.

2. What do they eat? This is horror!

Make allowances for learning about food culture too late. She, alas, is not vaccinated. Flour, fatty, sweet - the favorite diet of old people. But you can seduce mom, for example, with a juicer. Let him practice! Older generation does not like things gathering dust for no use.

Telephone law

They call you very often, especially your mother, and have long conversations in which there is zero information.

1. "Has anything happened?" - you ask anxiously in response to an early call. It turns out nothing. Understand, they don't want to annoy you, they just miss you.

2. Count how many times you call and how many times they call. The score is clearly not in your favor.

3. If you can't visit your parents often, leave at least this telephone right to them.

4. And don’t give them clothes of your own choice. They are unlikely to like it. The greatest thing they need is to communicate with you.

The conclusion is simple

A rearrangement has occurred. Now your parents are in part your children. Only, unlike children, you can no longer re-educate them. Whims, complaints, verbosity are signs of age.

Be condescending. Suppress negative reactions.

And you will understand how much love there really is in your heart for your old dear ones, good dad and mom.

Oxygen is the basis of life. In the stuffy offices, on the polluted streets of the city, we sometimes miss a sip fresh air... It is not always possible to leave the city for nature. There is an exit. Oxygen concentrators and oxygen cocktails.

The oxygen concentrator can be used not only for making cocktails, but also for breathing oxygen. Sets of equipment for home, office or bar on the website www.o2bar.ru. Recover your strength, help your heart and brain cope with oxygen starvation... Be healthy.

One day, far from being a fine day, you suddenly clearly realize: your parents have passed, have grown old. And now it is necessary to build relationships with them somehow differently. But how?

Carmelita and others

You did not even suspect that your parents, to put it mildly, have such childish interests and strange assessments.

3. Dad is unhappy with everything and scolds everything. In his old age, he turned into a chronic grumbler. Empathize with your mom: she, unlike you, listens to this grumbling every day.

What was his name?

We have to admit: the memory of the parents has become unimportant.

1. Mom presents as the freshest news a quarrel with a neighbor that happened a week ago. You need to be patient so as not to cut it off once again, that you no longer want to listen to this nonsense.

2. In addition, she is endlessly interested in what you are wearing, what is on your head, whether you have forgotten a warm scarf. The topic "Don't catch a cold" suddenly surfaced decades later. How tired of repeating that you are no longer small! To bring down the degree of irritation, try to understand - after all, this is a concern, although already a little funny.

No irritation

It is difficult to contain it, but it is still possible.

Smile. Yes, it's hard to smile when people around you are annoying, but it really helps.

A good mood brings a smile, but this connection also has the opposite direction: an arbitrary smile has a beneficial effect on our well-being.

Look to the future. Imagine how you will react to this situation in a few years.

You may not even remember the unpleasant incident. So is it worth worrying now?

Count to ten before answering your opponent. Did not help? Increase the number next time.

Eat a banana. An excellent and, most importantly, delicious way to calm down quickly. Bananas contain the "joy hormone".

Bad habits

Speaking of pills. Parents swallow them in handfuls, going to doctors, receiving prescriptions and regularly taking everything.

1. Their faith in the sanctity of medicine, especially folk medicine, is difficult to shake. Wouldn't it be better to find one good doctor whom they trust and who will reduce the "chemistry" to the necessary minimum.

2. What do they eat? This is horror!

Make allowances for learning about food culture too late. She, alas, is not vaccinated. Flour, fatty, sweet - the favorite diet of old people. But you can seduce mom, for example, with a juicer. Let him practice! The older generation does not like things gathering dust for no use.

Telephone law

They call you very often, especially your mother, and have long conversations in which there is zero information.

1. "Has anything happened?" - you ask anxiously in response to an early call. It turns out nothing. Understand, they don't want to annoy you, they just miss you.

2. Count how many times you call and how many times they call. The score is clearly not in your favor.

3. If you can't visit your parents often, leave at least this telephone right to them.

4. And don’t give them clothes of your own choice. They are unlikely to like it. The greatest thing they need is to communicate with you.

The conclusion is simple

A rearrangement has occurred. Now your parents are in part your children. Only, unlike children, you can no longer re-educate them. Whims, complaints, verbosity are signs of age.

Be condescending. Suppress negative reactions.

And you will understand how much love there really is in your heart for your old dear, kind dad and mom.

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Oxygen is the basis of life. In the stuffy offices, on the polluted streets of the city, we sometimes miss a breath of fresh air. It is not always possible to leave the city for nature. There is an exit. Oxygen concentrators and oxygen cocktails. The oxygen concentrator can be used not only for making cocktails, but also for breathing oxygen. Sets of equipment for home, office or bar on the website www.o2bar.ru. Recover your strength, help your heart and brain cope with oxygen deprivation. Be healthy.

And you didn’t know how old age sets in - when all the piles smell like corvalol, when you can’t laugh at all, so as not to provoke a severe attack of coughing, when glasses are for near and for distance, one then to find others.

Vera Polozkova

Aging is a multidimensional process, but more often the focus is on medical aspect late age changes. However, for family members, the aging of relatives is a much more difficult problem than the physical ailments and diseases themselves. Relatives often find it difficult to cope with feelings of irritation, guilt, and overcome alienation.

Aging relatives are not only a part of them life cycle but also part of the family life cycle. Aging relatives demand special treatment, care and love. The situation of aging relatives is normal, all families meet with it in one way or another, and each family must get out of this crisis. How? Depends on a number of factors: the previous relationships of family members, their tolerance, selfishness, empathy, maturity, anxiety, the material condition of the family, the characteristics of employment, etc.

It is important that family members are aware of the very phenomenon of old age, its physiological, emotional and existential nature. Without knowledge of this problem, it is difficult for relatives to build functional, caring relationship with aging relatives. Old age is characterized by some features of the internal and external order, one of which is the proximity of death.

This is the stage human life, which will not be followed by the next. The world of an aging person is not expanding, but narrowing. This period of life is characterized by the fact that the question of the attitude towards death is transferred from the subtext into the context of life itself. With the loss of strength, the growth of weakness, feeling helplessness and uselessness, a person's space is more and more filled with an intense dialogue between life and death.

Reflections on death are actualized not only by involutionary processes, but also by the way of life of the old person. Subjectivity, detachment from momentary social stimuli, weakness or complete absence motives in achieving success, comfort also concentrate a person's consciousness on death. This is the time for all family members to realize the tragedy of temporality.

The nature of aging is individual and should not be overshadowed by the general similarity of the changes taking place with all people.

With aging relatives, a thoughtful and heartfelt approach is essential. In the body and psyche of each person, aging processes occur at different rates. In addition, aging does not have to be associated with degradation and disease.

Old age brings not only negative emotions... For many people, old age is a time of well-deserved rest, the realization of a well-lived life. Children of aging parents are often acutely affected by aging parents. While a person is growing, his parents seem to him to be omnipotent people on whom he can rely in everything. In the future, the illusion of omniscience and omnipotence is frustrated, children lose confidence in parental power. The change that old age brings is a blow to the feelings of family members.

In some families, the topic of old age is not touched upon at all, the idea that parents can grow old is absent in the minds. Children, whose parents are getting old, gradually begin to become orphaned with still living parents, and should become parents for their parents. Not everyone is also ready to accept the idea that the same state awaits them in the future. This is the time to reconsider your attitude towards life and take on greater responsibility.

First, adult children go through a period when their parents are watching, more recently full of life, begin to lose strength, intellectual adequacy and self-confidence, become anxious, touchy and picky. The children's reaction to all these manifestations is anxiety and sadness. With a lack of love and respect in the family, children develop anger, irritation and sometimes even hatred towards aging parents.

Joseph Hlardo describes the emotions that are typical of children whose parents begin to age before their eyes. At first, the signs of aging surprise and amaze loved ones. The mother of one of J. Ilardo's clients, who in the recent past carefully monitored her appearance and made caustic remarks about the toilets of other women, for some time began to appear in public casually dressed and unkempt, which led her daughter to extreme confusion. Such indifference is explained, as a rule, not by the fact that a person loses observation and does not give an account of his own actions, but by the fact that he loses his taste for life.

Sometimes children are unable to internally accept the real and bitter fact that their parents have grown old. There is a reaction of denial, an unwillingness to accept reality, and children prefer not to notice the manifestations of old age in their parents and behave as if nothing has changed. Someone stubbornly refuses to admit that parents are no longer the same as before, and continue to demand from them to reproduce familiar and comfortable behavior for themselves, ignoring the needs of a loved one who is losing strength. Such reactions appear in the early stages of aging. The loved ones need time to adapt to the changes that are taking place.

Behind the annoyance of children at loss physical strength, energy, intellectual adequacy often hides fear, fear of death of mother and father. Behind the calls of the children not to give up, to be cheerful, to be optimistic, not to succumb to the blues, it disguises itself: "Don't you dare grow old, don't you dare die, I'm scared!" Fearfully. It's scary to be orphaned, to be left without mom and dad. And it's scary that while the parents are alive, they stand between their child and death. When the parents are gone, the person realizes that there is no one else "in between": you are next, your turn.

The subsequent group of reactions arises after realizing that the parents have actually become old people. Here, a whole range of negative emotions may arise - resentment, discontent, impatience, devastation. Such reactions more often occur in cases where in earlier times there was no mutual understanding between parents and children.

A possible reaction of "intellectualization" is that children, being unable to withstand the acuteness of their experiences, begin to replace the natural feeling of compassion in-depth study literature on old age, searching good specialists and pharmacological agents... Adult children are not able to cope with their emotions, it can happen nervous breakdowns... They can yell at their aging parents, treat them with disdain and show aggression.

The family is a system, and every system seeks to maintain balance. Accordingly, J. Ilardo considers different types family reactions to new life circumstances either as corresponding to this goal (i.e. functional, healthy), or as contrary to it (dysfunctional, unhealthy).

The main idea of the author is that in the changed conditions, when the older members of the family cease to play their former role in it, they become helpless and demand increased attention, destructive is sometimes the unconscious conservation of the existing family structure, the desire to keep the role relationships unchanged. The author calls for flexibility and openness. It is advisable to distribute responsibilities among the younger family members in such a way that everyone uses their strengths.

Another conflict is associated with the fact that a child becomes a parent to his parent (bears responsibility, cares, cares, neglects his own interests and needs), but at the same time, the parents still remain parents, and the children are their children, the parents "do not give up their positions" are required to be considered with their opinion and desire, to obey parental authority.

About the people themselves old age entering the last phase of their life, you need to carefully plan further actions to care for them. All options need to be considered further development events. First of all, it is necessary to take into account the desires of the relatives themselves (if their reason is clear enough).

In most cases, older people want to stay in their home as long as possible - in home everything is familiar and comfortable, the house gives a feeling of confidence, security. Older people do not tolerate change well. Cohabitation with an elderly person is associated with great responsibility.

It is necessary to carefully consider everything that can be done in the house in order to ensure its comfort and safety. It is necessary to make changes related to the diseases of a relative: for the hearing impaired - install a loud door and phone call, for the visually impaired - bright light and, if possible, use contrasting colors in the setting. The easiest way to understand exactly what changes need to be made is to take the place of an elderly person, to try to look at the environment with HIS eyes.

When old people can no longer do without help in taking care of themselves, it is difficult for them and for those close to them. The parent's body is taboo, especially if it is the parent's body of the opposite sex. Here the prohibition on incest and feelings about the fact that the most intimate manipulations with a withered body are carried out by another are also triggered. Borders are crumbling. It is important to understand the natural shame of the old man, to be delicate, but also natural.

Old age ends, a person enters the last phase of his life - last days before death. People on their deathbed are in dire need of sincere human contact, they need honest and open communication. An important condition for normal flow emotions during this period is the openness of family members to each other.

If close people are open to authentic, not distorted psychological protections contact with their aging and dying relatives, they begin to realize that there is something previously hidden from them, which has a significant and deep meaning. This difficult process, ultimately, enriches, sweeps away the superficial and trivial from those who continue their life path.

Sooner or later, most of us are faced with problems in relationships with older parents. More often than not, people just complain to each other, not seeing ways to somehow change the situation. Why is it so difficult for us to communicate with old people? Why do they need to piss us off? Why do they constantly advise us, criticize and interfere in our lives? Why is nothing new being accepted? And what are we to do with all this?

About a year ago, I heard about Sasha Galitsky's master classes that help people establish relationships with old people from a relative. Her husband's old parents live in another city. Each time they looked forward to their son and daughter-in-law to visit, but in the end such visits became a test for both sides and often ended in mutual grievances. So, after attending the master class, people managed to significantly improve their relationships and even enjoy communication.

Sasha Galitsky is an artist, sculptor. Once an art director in large company, Sasha left a prestigious job and for 15 years has been leading a woodcarving club in nursing homes in Israel. Most of his students are over 80, and some have crossed the 100-year mark. In 2016, Sasha Galitsky's book “Mom, do not cry! How to learn to communicate with elderly parents and at the same time not go crazy yourself ”, in which he shares his experience with readers. We talked with Sasha about the book, master classes and the peculiarities of working with elderly people.

Sasha Galitsky. Photo: Tomer Epelbaum, for Haaretz newspaper

“If I had known these answers 20 years ago, my relationship with my parents would have been different, and their old age would have been different too. But I can't get my parents back. That is why I am writing this book for those whose parents are still alive. For those who still have the opportunity to learn how to communicate with them. And at the same time do not go crazy yourself. Now I know how to do it. "

Sasha, please tell us how your book was born?

I have been working with the elderly in Israeli nursing homes for 15 years. I was fortunate enough to work with that generation of old people who in young age survived the Second world war, passed the concentration camps - they came to the newly created state of Israel at the age of 18-20 after the greatest catastrophe. It amazes me how, after all the tragic events that befell them, they were able to start living again. The life force that drives these people is simply incredible! Through contact with their destinies, through gradual understanding and growing into their psychology, I came to this book.

The idea of the book belongs to Vladimir Yakovlev (journalist, author of the "Age of Happiness" project), he also came up with its format. I'm not a psychologist. I wrote the book as if from the inside. I tried to express my point of view on this issue as honestly as possible.

“Have you ever noticed that no old people annoy us as much as our own? This is because all old people are just old people. And ours are aged parents whom we remember by others, young and full of strength and who, relatively recently, played a completely different role in our life. We are not ready to allow them to become senile, go stupid and fall into childhood. "

You teach master classes in which you explain how to interact with older people: what to do, and most importantly, what should not be done under any circumstances. What are these rules?

Many people whose parents have grown old and become weak are in despair because they have faced new experiences for themselves and do not know what to do, how to behave. I wanted to tell you how it could be different.

Here are the basic rules for dealing with old people, which I have deduced over the years of working with them. They are simple and quite versatile:

1. Do not expect pleasure from communication

3. Do not try to change parents

4. Know their "technical characteristics"

5. Do not get into conflict

6. Compassion, but not regret

7. Don't argue

8. Manage experiences

9. Don't blame yourself

10. Forgive

You say that in no case should you argue with old people, try to convince them of something. Why is it so important?

Because it is impossible to convince them. And trying to argue, you can only ruin the relationship. You can't fix your parents, you have to put up with it. In this situation, you can only change yourself, change your attitude towards what is happening.

Mom, what kind of coffee do you want?
- Instant, the cheapest!
- Good.

What does the principle of "steer" mean?

There comes a time when you have to take control in your relationship with your parents. This is a problem, it is not that easy. Here it is necessary to imperceptibly change the vector of relations, the psychological balance of power between the child and the parent: stop communicating with aspiration. No longer to be led, but to lead. It is difficult, but possible. To do this, you need to stop making excuses, stop explaining, stop playing little boy or a girl in a relationship with a parent. This can be done with humor. Most of the time this works.

“A laughing old man is not dangerous. With the help of a joke - any, even not the most successful one - you can defuse almost any dangerous situation that arises in communication with an elderly person. "

But it is not necessary to take the leading role "head-on". It is impossible to say: "From today we are doing this!". This can be changed little by little. First, to understand that the questions of mom or dad "What did you do?", "Where did you go?" you cannot answer. Instead of answering, you can joke. I do not answer the exact questions of my charges: how much do you have? where? as? I am confusing, I ask counter questions. I have to pick up the pole of this flag, at the same time putting my shoulder on the sly, avoiding conflicts. Because in conflicts we immediately lose, they are useless - unless we are talking about human safety and health, but here the method of "direct frontal attack" does not work, a different approach is needed.

Getting used to new role, you must understand that you can be mistaken, you can break loose, but in general, your policy must change. Because when a person is very old, he ceases to perceive you as a son or daughter, he begins to perceive you as a guardian parent.

“Elderly parents are not our friends. Elderly parents are elderly parents to us. This is an extremely specific, special type of relationship, built on the need for communication and, by their very nature, is not a pleasure, but a test. A test of our ability to help them, love them, respect them, as they are, and not as we with all our hearts, would very much like them to be. "

There are elderly people who, despite their advanced years and physical weakness, are not ready to give up the status of the head of the family. They are used to making decisions, taking responsibility for themselves and their families, and still demand respect and obedience. How to be in this case?

Yes, indeed, people in transition period(when they are not yet completely weak, do not yet feel like old people, but already need care) they give up the reins of government with difficulty. But here we need to make it clear that I will take them away from you for your own good anyway. I will be strong with you. You have to be strong on the inside. This cannot be done by means of scandals, by announcing that from now on you are in charge. It has to come from within, gradually. A bloodless revolution is about to take place in the relationship.

It is difficult to do this with people whom you have known for many years, with whom you have established relationships, and he understands that as soon as he lift a finger, everything will be the way he wants, because it has always been that way. But out of love for them, you have to try. After all, you cannot obey a 90-year-old man.

If you could go back in time, how would you communicate with own parents? What would you change if you had the experience that you gained for last years?

I would not argue with my parents and would not try to convince them.

When we are inside the situation, we look from our bell tower: how harmful and capricious our old people are, how much they cause inconvenience ... But if we look from the inside of their experience, we will see that they feel very bad. These are their last years. They are afraid of illness, their own weakness, boredom, their own uselessness and uselessness, death, in the end. It takes so much work to get up in the morning, to do the usual things, which earlier, in their youth, were given to them easily and simply. And the realization that it won't be better is especially oppressive, it will only get worse.

How is your health, David?
- Worse than it was, but better than it will be!

Everyone is afraid of old age in one way or another. Many, complaining about their unbearable old people, say that they would not want to live to that age (namely, to senile insanity and helplessness). Do you think there is some way to extend your working age? And is there any way to help parents stay sane longer?

Do not know. Yes and no. Of course, if you are, as they say, active, busy, passionate about some occupation, then they say that a sound mind will remain in you longer. And so it is. Although there is always a place for a case that will either send you, say, for some kind of operation under general anesthesia, and you yourself will wake up, but your head will remain dozing. Or, taking a handful of pills a day, it is difficult to stay sane, because many of them have a negative side effects on the brain.

At this point, as someone is lucky, although you have to try. I can also say that you should not be afraid of losing your mind in old age, if you do not want to lose it ( laughs).

What is your task when you come to class with your grandparents?

I usually work with a group of 10-11 people. The work is very hard: the people are all very good, but very sick and very old. Today one grandfather said that he celebrated the 19th anniversary of his stay in a nursing home. He is 92 or 93 years old. This is still a rather cheerful person. And when a whole group of such people comes to you, it's hard.

Old age is a relative thing. I recently received my 96-year-old student on the question "How are you?" replied: “Bad. I am completely exhausted. "
- And when did you feel bad? - I ask.
- When I got sick.
- When did you get sick?
- Half year ago.

It is important that people understand that they have come to you for a reason. You have to run like crazy to give them something. At this stage, you give all your best, only the skin remains. And then suddenly at some point you feel that they are already full, they have received their portion positive energy and now they are happy, their mood has improved. With the help of touching, joking elbowing, words, humor, you try to keep them in this state. You speak loudly all the time so that they hear and understand that you are present here. It works, but it is difficult to execute, as it requires a lot of energy.

How are you, Eliyahu? - every time in the morning I ask 102-year-old Petrushka.
“Bad,” he always replies resentfully, “today I thought not to come to you at all.
- It's good that you came! - yell in his deaf ear.
“You don’t take two things into account. My age and my illnesses, - he continues to be angry with me.
- What are you sick with?
“I can't tell you that.
Although, to tell the truth, after the lesson he goes home quite rejuvenated. For ten years.

Why do you think these people come to you?

I am not their son or grandson. I am a labor teacher. This gives me the opportunity to organize such hooligan workshops, where we tell, for example, rude jokes. I can and swear at them. Of course, I don't put them in a corner, because some of them, in principle, find it very difficult to get up, but I often say that I will leave them for the second year if they continue this way. Or I promise to call my parents. What they are very happy about. At that moment, they forget how old they are. A former intelligence officer with great experience can put on "horns" former owner a large company.

I try to communicate at eye level. Not bottom-up, not top-down, but on an equal footing. Eliminate formalism. You see, this should be a very honest communication.

Tell me, - Meir (82 years old) told me yesterday, - do you have vodka at home?
- Why? I asked.
- To come to your senses after communicating with us!
- Well, what can I tell you. Of course have. How else.

Despite the fact that it is very difficult for you with your students, you always talk about them with a smile, with great tenderness and warmth. How do you manage to maintain this kind attitude?

How can you fight them? It's impossible. You cannot come to them with anti-charge. When I began to fight for the truth with one of my students, at the same time I was absolutely right, because I am always right ( laughs), it didn't work out very well. One old woman once told me: "Sasha, we are going to leave now." Do you understand? That is, "we will leave now, because we are uncomfortable here." In no case should you be irritated, show rage. You can play it as much as you like, but inside you need to smile. This needs to be learned.

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about the author

At first I became a mother, then a mother who reads books to children, and now, from a reading mother, I turned into a writing mother. It turned out that in addition to my favorite childhood "Mowgli", "Winnie the Pooh", "Baby and Carlson", there are many more children's books that I have not even heard of. I'm not even talking about the new books that are being published now. It is absolutely impossible not to share those treasures that we constantly find with children, so I keep my blog about children's books, and also talk about them on the pages of Internet resources, the main readers of which are parents. I believe that every child in childhood should have many interesting, kind, beautiful books.