What to do if your parents don't like you: definition and concept of parental love, maternal instinct and advice from a psychologist. Home Sweet Home. Don't be an ostrich

29.04.2019

It is believed that parents love their children unconditionally only because they gave birth to them and their blood flows in them. In most cases, this is what happens. Different people express their feelings in different ways. Some express their love by buying expensive gifts, try to cook something tasty, but at the same time they do not know how to caress and say warm words.

Others, on the contrary, talk a lot about their love, but do not consider it necessary to take care of what the child really needs - healthy eating, warm comfortable clothes, additional education.

There are other situations when parents show excessive severity in relation to children, believing that punishments and prohibitions will benefit their child.

When we don't get what we want from our parents, it seems to us that our parents don't like us. But this is not always true. It's just that adults see their role and the task of parents differently. How to understand whether our parents really love us or whether they care about us. Try to answer a few questions, they will help you figure it out.

Questionnaire: Do my parents love me

How many toys did you have as a child?
When you were little, were you taken to the theater, circus or somewhere else?
Do they buy sweets and other goodies especially for you?
If you ask for help with lessons or need advice, do your parents listen to you and help you?
Do your parents hug you, kiss you?
Do your parents come to your performances?
Are your parents interested in your affairs besides school?
Are your parents having a birthday party for you?
Are they calling you with affectionate names?
Give you gifts for your birthday New Year etc.?

If you answered yes to more than 6 questions

You are lucky - your parents love you, they care about you. Perhaps now, because of your age, you have ceased to understand each other. Your parents are unhappy with your behavior or poor grades and are therefore angry. Try to see yourself through their eyes.

Do you help your mom around the house or act like a princess in a palace with servants?

And how do you feel about studying, do you devote too little time to lessons?

Are you asking too much of your parents: fashion clothes, iPhone, expensive cosmetics not everyone can afford it.

Try an experiment - become an obedient girl, show your love for your parents - ask them "how are you?" Instead of going out late, spend at least one evening at home, help your mom, or just tell her about school.

If you answered no to more than 8 questions

It is very sad. Unfortunately, this also happens - not all adults know how to love, some think more about themselves than about their loved ones. If your parents are like that, you are out of luck, but this is not the most great tragedy in life. You are not alone.

What if life with your parents is unbearable?

You should know that the law is on your side. If your parents constantly beat you, do not care about your food, then you have every right to complain about them. Physical abuse of children is punishable by law. Just keep in mind that if you file a complaint with the law enforcement agencies, you will be removed from your family. If you don't want to be in orphanage, then think about which of the relatives will be able to take care of you until the age of 18 and talk to this person. Maybe your grandmother, aunt or another relative can take custody of you until you come of age?
Parents do not beat you, but they speak rudely, yell for the slightest offenses, insult you. In a word, they behave as if you are a stranger to them and annoy them with your presence. Well, try not to provoke them, be flexible. If your age allows, find yourself some kind of part-time job so that you are less dependent on your parents. Find a hobby, exercise or dance, so you can spend less time at home. Focus on starting a life on your own at 18 - this will require you to have some kind of specialty, be able to cook and manage a house. Can be found educational institution with a hostel in another city.

If my parents don't like me, then I'm bad?

You can't be cute. The child cannot be guilty that his parents treat him badly. It is unlikely that you had time to do something so that mom and dad stopped loving you. This is the parent's problem, not yours.

If you are good man, then in your life you will definitely meet people from whom you will receive love and support, with whom you will be happy.

Parents should love, nurture and care for their children. They should help children develop and become independent people... Unfortunately, some parents treat their children quite poorly, taking away their warmth and care, or even abandoning them altogether. It hurts to feel that your parents don't like you, and this pain can be not only emotional but also physical. The best way dealing with it - accepting the fact that you cannot change other people, just focus on yourself.

Steps

Think about ways to solve this problem

Talk to good friend or with a family member. Sometimes a person gets better when they just talk to someone about their problem. Talk to a family member or friend about what's going on in your family.

For example, you might try talking to a close friend about how your parents are doing and how you feel. Find someone you feel good and comfortable with, who will not turn away from you. Tell this person what you would say to your parents.
Try not to become emotionally dependent on this person, just talk to them when you need to speak up. If you suddenly find yourself calling him more than once, be careful not to become addicted to this person. If you feel that you are becoming more and more dependent on other people, talk to a school counselor.

Find yourself a mentor. A mentor will help you make important decisions in your life, teach you what your parents cannot (or do not want) to teach you. You can find a mentor to help you master school disciplines, will help you understand difficult situations or excel at work. Consider if there is a reliable, responsible adult in your life who could be your mentor. For example, could it be a coach, teacher, boss?
- If your boss or sports coach offers to help you, think again if that person can be your mentor. In fact, you can ask someone for help yourself. Say, “I am delighted with what you have achieved! I hope to someday also succeed in life and reach your level. But I don't know where to start. Could you teach me? "
- Try not to become too dependent on your mentor. Keep in mind that a mentor will still not be able to replace your parents, so you should not expect parental care from this person. A mentor is someone who can help you achieve your goals in school, work, or some other area of your life.
Talk to a therapist or school psychologist. It is not so easy to come to terms with the behavior of your parents, therefore, it is quite possible that you will need to see a psychologist or psychotherapist. A specialist will help you understand yourself and develop protective mechanisms with the help of which you will feel much better.
- If your school has a counselor, be sure to ask if you can make an appointment to discuss the matter. If you are confused or unsure how to start this conversation, talk to a trusted instructor first.
- Ask your parents if you can see a therapist. Say: “B recent times I ran into (collided) with unpleasant situation, I need to talk to a specialist about this. Please help me find a good psychotherapist. "
- Be aware that if your parents bully you, your school counselor or psychotherapist will be required to report it.
Resist the temptation to compare how your parents feel about you and your sisters / brothers. If you feel like your parents are treating your brother better than they are for you, that doesn't necessarily mean that they love some of you more. There is most likely a reason why this period time they are more attentive to your brother. This is most often an intuitive behavior, so your parents may not even realize that they are treating you differently.

Try not to take it personally. Sometimes it can be difficult to accept criticism and curses addressed to you from loved ones who should love you, even if you perfectly understand that they are not telling the truth. Remember that your parents' words and behavior are more about them than about you.
- The next time one of your parents says or does something bad to you, tell yourself: “I am a good person, I value myself. My parents are just trying to cope with their problems, so they do / say that. "
Be kind to yourself. Some children who experience parental abuse may feel bad about themselves, such as trying to hurt themselves, using alcohol and drugs, or failing in school. Remember that none of this will improve your condition. Instead of succumbing to this temptation, start caring for yourself and loving yourself, for example:
- Exercise several days a week.
- Do not smoke or use alcohol or drugs.
Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. People who grow up in an unfavorable environment tend to have negative thoughts about themselves, which can lower their self-esteem. To learn to think positively about yourself and your life, try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
- For example, if you constantly repeat to yourself something that your parents told you (for example: “you are stupid if you cannot understand the division of numbers”), try to replace this thought (say: “yes, long division is difficult task for me, but I can learn it if I try ").
Write yourself a cheat sheet of positive thoughts. This will help you immediately spot negative thoughts that are lowering your self-esteem and replace them with positive thoughts. So, first, draw a table with four columns.
- In the first column write a list negative thoughts... For example, it might include thoughts such as “I don’t know how to make decisions” or “I am not very smart”.
- In the second column, write down why you think this is all true. Are your parents pushing you to think that way, or do you feel that way?
- In the third column, write about what it costs you. negative belief(what emotions and problems in personal life). Perhaps you are depressed, withdrawn, afraid to try new things and fail, afraid to trust people and get close to them, and so on. Keep the list short, but be specific about what you are missing out on, allowing yourself to believe these statements are true.
- In the last column, rewrite this thought so that it becomes positive. For example, you can change the statement about your intelligence by writing: “I am smart and capable person, I have achieved a lot thanks to my knowledge "
Get out of the house more often. Start an interesting and complete good impressions living outside your home to feel like happy man even if in family life not everything is so smooth with you. Think about how you could contribute in some way to social life... If you have an active social life your self-esteem and self-confidence will improve much faster as you focus on happiness and development.
- Volunteer with an organization in your area. Find a job that you enjoy or join a hobby club or sports section.
Monitor your health
1. Be sure to report if your parents are physically or sexually abusing you. If your parents bully you, seek help immediately. Talk to your teacher, doctor, school psychologist or the police or guardianship authorities about this. The longer you are abused, the more difficult it will be for you to recover your psyche later. Don't let people (even those close to you) abuse you and use physical strength... Try to get away from them as soon as possible.
  
  If possible, break off relations with those who offend you. If you can end your relationship with abusive parents, do so. Sure, it can be difficult to stop hanging out with someone you cared about, especially a loved one, but your main job is to take care of yourself. Don't blame yourself for having to end your relationship with your parent (s) if you feel this is the best way out.
  
  Resist the temptation to distance yourself from peers and other adults. You may think you can avoid the pain people can cause by simply breaking up with them, but remember that people need communication to be successful. Children who grow up without parental love or the concerns of one of the adults, are less likely to achieve success in life, less often they are happy, more often than others they get sick. Talk to friends and family more often, spend as much time with them as possible, and be open and friendly with new acquaintances and trustworthy adults.
2. Learn to be independent. If your parents cannot cope with your upbringing and cannot teach you to be independent after graduation high school, ask another trusted adult to prepare you for the "real world."
  - Learn to budget, use the washing machine, turn on the water heater in your apartment.
  - Estimate your costs for independent life and think about what you need to get started. Find a job and save money to pay a deposit on your own apartment and essential furniture.
  - Do not abandon your studies despite family problems so that you have the opportunity to go to college. Ask school psychologist help you find a college with an opportunity to study at a budget location.
Consider if your parents are treating you badly.
1. Observe how your parents react to your successes and achievements. One of the signs bad attitude parents to you is the fact that they do not recognize your achievements in different areas. This means that either your parents refuse to understand that you were able to achieve something, or they simply do not consider your success significant. Some parents may even make fun of your accomplishments.
  - For example, if you managed to get good mark on the exam, your parents should congratulate and praise you. Parents who treat you badly will ignore your message, change the subject and take pleasure in making you feel stupid, they may just say, “So what? It's just a test. "
2. Think about the methods your parents use to control you. It's okay for your parents to just want to guide you, but if your parents are in control of your behavior, it goes overboard. For example, their control may be about making small decisions, or it may go as far as controlling which school or college you go to. If you feel that your parents control your decisions and your behavior too much, then they are treating you badly.
  - For example, parents who trust you to make decisions for yourself may start asking questions about which college you want to go to and why. Parents who are trying to control your behavior and all your decisions will tell you which college you should go to.
3. Note the absence emotional connection between you. Parents with children great relationship, maintain an emotional connection, eye contact, they smile at each other and hug each other. If your parents treat you badly, they will not behave as described above.
  - For example, if parents maintain an emotional connection with their child, they will support him when he is upset. If the parent and child do not have an emotional connection, the parent is more likely to yell at the child or ignore him when he cries.
4. Consider if there are boundaries in communication between you and your parents. Boundaries are very important in the relationship between a child and a parent. If you have reasonable communication boundaries, you will not feel like you and your parents are living the same life.
  - For example, parents should speak to you words of encouragement that will help you calm down and raise your self-esteem. But you will definitely feel bad if your parents tell you: "You are worthless!", "I hate being in the same room with you!"
  - Some parents today will be kind and good to you, and tomorrow they will suddenly become irritable and angry. But keep in mind that this is all just verbal abuse unless your parents physically harm you.
5. Learn to recognize narcissistic behavior. Parents who focus only on themselves do not notice their children, so they cannot treat them responsibly. If your parents consistently ignore you, or only notice you when you do something they can brag about to their friends, this is definitely a sign of narcissistic behavior.
  - For example, parents should be supportive of your interests. However, narcissistic parents will only support your interests if they benefit them in some way. For example, if they have the opportunity to brag to their friends that their child is receiving a scholarship, although, in fact, they did not even ask about your academic success and never praised you.
  - Some parents may have a personality disorder. A person with a personality disorder refuses to take responsibility, is subject to constant self-justification, he has constant feeling that he is always right, he is not capable of deep emotions. A parent with a personality disorder may view their child as a burden or obstacle to personal goals. Typically, these parents control their children by manipulating their emotions. In addition, people with personality disorders often abuse their children and may even jeopardize their personal well-being.
6. Think about whether you have ever played the role of a parent? Some parents are still too young, or they have some other problem (for example, drug addiction), which makes it difficult for them to fulfill their duties and be good parents for his child, because of this, the child often takes on parenting responsibilities... Consider if you have had to take on parenting responsibilities because your parents were unable (or unwilling to) take care of you or your siblings. For example, these responsibilities may include cooking, cleaning, caring for other children.
  - Often times, parents will assign you cooking and cleaning the house in order to teach you responsibility. But if your parents treat you badly, they will entrust you with a whole bunch of tasks so as not to carry out their duties on their own. For example, a parent who does not want to cook or clean himself may constantly shy away from these responsibilities, shifting them onto one of his children and entrusting him with doing everything at once: both cooking and cleaning.

1. You are firmly convinced that you are always right. Parents and children have different versions the same event, because they have opposite points of view. While parents stubbornly insist on their version, children cannot even express their own opinion. Take the kids' story at face value, let them have a different point of view from yours.

2. You don't know what they have become. Life has taught your children such lessons that you don't even know about. They are not the same children as before, and you need to accept this fact. Don't feel like you know what's bothering them right now.

3. You still see little children in them. Was your daughter a wasteful, son constantly broke something, did not know how to keep his promises? Now they have grown up: she also has her own million-dollar business, and he has a responsible and beloved job, where he is appreciated and respected. Do not wear old children's masks on them, belittling their dignity. Let them show what kind of people they have become and you will be amazed!

4. You think that your divorce is no longer bothering them. Perhaps this is so. However, remember that your divorce is not their fault. Admit that you were unable to prevent it. Don't reject your own heartache, even if many years have passed since the day of the divorce. Let them tell you how unexpected it was for them. Tell them sincerely that you are sorry for what happened. And tell them that now they can move on.

5. You don't let them live their lives. However, it must be admitted that your children have grown up. Now they may have a different faith, a different way of life, they have the right to independently choose partners, make their own decisions and make their own choices.

6. You do not respect the boundaries they set. You are sticking your nose into none of your business. You cannot understand why they do not want to tell you the whole truth and take your advice. The answer is simple - you ignore the boundaries that your children have set.

7. You listen, but you do not hear them. You interrupt them in mid-sentence, finish the phrase for them. You are not talking to them, but to yourself. Give them the opportunity to open up, to say everything that they have been hiding for so long. If you do not understand something, ask to clarify it.

8. You take sides. Whenever your kids have a fight, you support one or the other. Let them solve their problems on their own, do not get involved in the conflict. It doesn't matter who you think is right. Remember that they are both your children. By supporting one, you offend the other.

9. You are using an intermediary to communicate. You cannot independently establish communication with children, so you resort to the help of an intermediary - a brother or sister, another parent, grandmother, grandfather, etc. You are actually drawing an extra third person into your relationship. And the child, most likely, wants some information to remain only between the two of you.

10. You believe that you still have control over their lives. Letting go of your own power is very difficult. But it's even harder to try to mend relationships with children. Being a parent does not mean that you have every right to interfere in their life. You should step back and wait for the moment when they need your help. Your children will be immensely grateful to you for this behavior.

In the section on the question What to do if your parents hate and despise you ??? given by the author Conscientious the best answer is I sympathize. How old is your mom?

Answer from Interlayer[guru]
Indifferent horror. I would have packed my suitcases with my sister and "Astalavista, baby"

Answer from Neurosis[guru]
loss for 4 years then you are free)) feel freedom)) if you feel bad now, this does not mean that you will always feel bad

Answer from Peter Kletkin[active]
It is worth telling your parents about this. Talk to them about it.

Answer from Ostislav Titarenko[guru]
Learn to fight back. Usually they put pressure on those who have not formed a repulsive mechanism in the psyche. This is a kind of upbringing, very distorted, but still.

Answer from Jeanne[guru]
you are selfish, and your problems are far-fetched. Your parents love you. Don't be rude to them, but listen to mom and dad. What do you think love is expressed in? Should I stroke you on the head? Parents should not enjoy you, they should grow a real person out of you, not egostka, and for this you should obey and not complain

Answer from SV[guru]
"Do not repay evil for evil to anyone. Take care of the good in front of everyone.? As far as possible on your part, be at peace with all people.? Do not avenge yourself, dear, but give place to the wrath of God, because it is written:" , I will repay, says Jehovah. "But" if your enemy is hungry, feed him, if he is thirsty, give him drink, because in doing so, you will gather coals of fire on his head. " ". Bible The same applies to parents.

Hi, my name is Rina. I am 16 years old. I live with my mother and grandfather. Recently, I don’t recognize my mother, she just began to hate me and survive ... for everything that I didn’t said she was indignant, trying to belittle me and insult me ... then I- "Lazy pig "then I" don't do anything "and the rest is even worse that I don't want to write ... Yesterday we agreed to go to one lake, today I reminded her, she says we'll go to another, I explain to her that I'm ashamed to appear there because there are many familiar and I am ashamed of myself to tears ... but she starts yelling that I didn’t promise you anything and we’ll go here and not there, these are your whims, so that two hundred of me ... you like to make me angry ... well, my God, what did I say, for the first time in the whole summer I wanted to go somewhere with the whole family and she did so ... all the more she said herself, why are you sitting at home, go crush the fat, look what I have become ... I always was cheerful and did a lot of things (dancing, music, painting), but everything is simple for me breakdown... I can't do this ... I don't have a single friend, not a friend ... I have no one to communicate with (except for the Internet), I gained 15 kg for half a year (and for me it's scary because I always had a gorgeous figure and everyone just "died" from me) I never went out into the street all summer, not because I don't want to, but because I can't. And I can’t leave home from her either, because there’s no one ... I really love my owl mother, so I don’t want to give her pain and discomfort, so thoughts of suicide began to slip through my mind (which is strange for me. me developed great feeling guilt from childhood, little emotionality and many other factors that I try to hide from others. Mom works for me as a dog handler. From 3-4 years old, my father does not live with us. All I understand is that it's hard for her, but ... I'm just serious to tears ... Yes, I know .. you write that, of course, my mother will love me ... that we need to cope with this situation, but I don’t know how ... And yes ... he always says that I want her to die .. they say that I’m going to die, you’ll understand ..... Not much more and that’s all ... the end ... even though I’m a man with a sense of guilt and many others, but I fulfill my goals to the end ...

Psychologists' Answers

Hello Rina. You are 16 years old. This age is not easy, changes are taking place in your body. Hormones affect mood and overall emotional condition... In addition, you disconnected yourself from reality, went to the Internet. There are no friends, you rarely go out on the street. Save yourself on your own. Go out for a walk hiking good for the health . And mom, she feels anxiety for you. And from the fact that she does not understand what to do, what to say to you, so as not to harm, she, out of her fear, only gets angry and yells at you. Thinks that this way, you will become more active and cheerful. What to do?

Do the exercise. It's called the Empty Chair Technique. 1. Choose a time when you are alone at home so that you are not disturbed or distracted. Place two chairs, one for yourself and one for your mom. When placing them, pay attention to how far you want to put the chair for mom. And how you want to put it. Sideways, back to you, facing ... This will just show you how you are in relation to each other. For example, if your chair or hers has a back ... think about it, is it comfortable for you to talk to each other like that?

2. Take a voice recorder (available in any cell phone, or download a program for voice recording on the Internet). Start recording. Sit in your chair and tell your mom everything in ordinary life difficult to do. Imagine that she is sitting on the second chair and listening to you. Talk a lot about how you feel, about how much you hurt and hurt. That it is hard for you to live with guilt from her words about death. Ask her any question. And sit on Mom's chair.

3. Sit on Mom's chair. Imagine that this is her. Dress up her role. Imagine how your mother is dressed, that she can think that she loves what is happening to her in her life. And then start talking about yourself, from her role. Name, profession ... how she would talk about herself.

Here is very important point... When you feel that you have managed to enter the role of a mother, to feel like her, turn on the recording of your words made from your chair. And accordingly, you will hear that question. Listen to your daughter's speech while sitting in your mom's chair. And then, turn on the recorder for recording and from the role of a mother answer the daughter's question (your own question). Feel what's in your soul. what feelings fill you (like a mother). Talk about feelings, you want to cry? -Cry ... and say from her role everything that first comes to mind ..

4. Sit in your daughter's chair, in your chair and listen to the recording of the words from the role of mom.

Answer her. Talk about the feelings that arise in your soul.

5. Talk to your mom as you move from chair to chair until you feel better. Until you feel the state, the feeling that there is nothing more to say. Everything has already been said and cried out.

You should feel better, calmer. All the emotional tension in the relationship with mom will subside.

After finishing the conversation, remove the chairs and take off the role of mom from yourself. Just say "I'm not mom, I'm Rina" and spin around as if taking off your role (like if you were taking off your outerwear)

After you have done this exercise, observe your mother, her behavior. Live with these new sensations.

Usually, magic happens. Mom (not knowing about the fact that you spoke to her and were in her role) will begin to behave differently, and you will no longer want to swear, take offense. You will want to talk to her. Talk to her the next day, not before. Good luck to you. Best regards, Evgeniya. (practical psychologist, psychodramatist, coach, author of the project "How to build relationships" http://www.family-light.ru/)

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