How to work with your inner child. Who is the Inner Child and what to do when he is scared of being lonely

05.05.2019

I want to offer two exercises for working with the most important part of ourselves, our inner child. Perhaps you are a parent yourself. It does not matter. Although I was told that after doing these exercises, the relationship with my child born in life changed significantly. They became more frank and penetrating. Everyone has their individual characteristics. I had something similar.

1. Caress your baby.

Remember that child, how you were in one of the difficult periods of his (that is, in your past) life.

For this, of course, one must have imagination and it is more difficult for those who have an analytical type of mind. For people with a predominance of abstract - logical thinking over thinking figuratively - sensually, I generally strongly advise the well-known Gestalt therapy exercises: 1. Sharpening of body sensations, 2. Verbalization, 3. Visualization, 4. Experience of the continuity of emotions.

But back to our exercise. Reach out to your inner child. Call him by name, say warm, good words express your love to him.

Advise him on something. Be him the kind of parent you needed back then.

Give him a toy, you yourself know what. For example, I gave mine a real leather soccer ball. He wanted it so much, but he never got it. I think I managed to fix it. But I'm not sure.

If you have tears, it means that the exercise was successful.

It is more difficult for men, although nature does not forbid them to shed tears. But, that's nature.

Photos from your childhood can help you, because you probably have them preserved. Consider them carefully.

2. Second exercise. Write a letter to your inner child.

Looking at a photo of my 4-5 summer child(himself in the past), do you understand that he cannot read? It doesn't matter, imagine that he can and write him a letter.

Write how you miss him, how much you love him. Use whatever words come to mind when referring to your inner child. You yourself know what the words are.

You should feel that this child in the photo did not die, turning into an adult you, he is in you, but far away. Our inner child alive and waiting for us! You write to him and the connection is restored. It ceases to be abandoned and forgotten. He stops crying. And your tears are just not forbidden.

This is how it will happen healing your inner child.

These two exercises overlap. You can do both. You can choose one.

They may seem simple. But this is an appearance. In any case, they are deep, if you can penetrate into this depth.

Acceptance of your child is the most important necessary part internal growth. Without love for your inner child, there will be no love for yourself, but there will be emptiness and dissatisfaction. Love for your inner child is love for yourself and your children.

Today I had a dream. I am still under his impression.

Wounded Angel, 1903 Hugo Simberg

On the traumatic events of your life (traumatic for us and, perhaps, quite insignificant on a “global” scale) emotional reaction comes from the ego state of the Inner Child. This is my dream - it very clearly reflected this.

Much has been said and written about the Inner Child. A little theory, for those who are not familiar with this term. The concept of the Inner Child (IR) came to us from the theory of transactional analysis by E. Berne.

Each person at any moment of time is in the state of the Parent, Adult or Child, and this is how he manifests himself in relation to other people. But the Inner Child is what kind of child a person is to himself. It is not visible to others, but expresses the most important problems of the self-attitude of the individual. BP is happy or unhappy depending on how the person relates to him, and how he relates to the person as a whole, as well as to himself. Exactly emotional condition The Inner Child determines the main emotional tone of the personality, a feeling of immediate happiness or, conversely, depression, self-confidence or one's own worthlessness. VR can take revenge for something on the person himself, give him good luck or defeat, lead him to a certain lifestyle and predetermine the choice of work, friends, life partner or attitude towards his own children.

The state of VR is created by certain conditions of life in childhood, primarily by how the child was treated by his parents, what verbal and non-verbal "instructions" he received from them, how he understood them, and what decisions he made based on them.

Once created states are stored in the adult state "by default", as life attitudes and an adult usually does not realize how they generate his chronic emotions, behaviors and life strategies. The Inner Child retains the basic adaptations chosen in childhood and is responsible for basic goals and motives.

It is the Inner Child that is the source psychic energy desires, desires and needs. Here joy, intuition, creativity, fantasy, curiosity, spontaneous activity. But the Injured Inner Child, instead of joy, gives us childish fears and resentments, whims and discontent, which makes the whole life seem like hard labor. You can hide, reject, ignore your inner Child as much as you like - its needs, but it will still make itself felt.

They come to me for therapy different people. With various difficulties in your present life. With different destinies and different childhoods.

So this is what all of my clients have in common - trauma from childhood.

Surprisingly, but in almost all of us lives a small traumatized child. It is a great happiness if a person had for real happy and free childhood. If he was loved, accepted, allowed to be himself. Not drawn into psychological games(he didn’t see them at all), he was not assigned the functions of a parent (if there were brothers and sisters), he was not used as a tool of manipulation.

His needs were not ignored. Or they did not suppress them with over-concern.

Unfortunately, I do not know such people.

My childhood, for all its "goodness", was also not one of the happy ones.

I had psychotherapy for my Inner Child in a group. And these were very strong impressions and discoveries. Discovery for yourself.

Working to heal your Inner Child is a process that takes time. But it's worth it. The inner child is our true self. When we learn to understand it, we will learn to understand ourselves.

Interior Free Child is a resource for an adult. If an adult person has established contact with his Inner Child, then from living life he experiences many joyful moments. Such a person has a desire to live and the energy to move forward, he looks into the future with a smile and hope. It is easier for such a person to answer the question “what does he want”, “what pleases him”. Those people who have a connection with Inner Child violated even such a simple, it would seem, the question is difficult. They find it difficult to navigate own desires. Or in the very bad option- they "have not wanted anything for a long time."

As a summary, I want to summarize: most of life's problems are the result of a broken connection with the Inner Child.

Reconnecting with your Inner Child and healing from childhood trauma is best done with a mental health professional. It can be both individual and group psychotherapy. From a psychotherapist, in addition to the skill of working with your Inner Child, you will receive emotional and personal support, which is so necessary during this difficult period conscious growing up.

Once again I want to emphasize that the process is not quick and sometimes quite painful. Everyone weeps during these Inner Child therapy sessions—men, women, successful businessmen, and tough leaders. But these are tears of relief, releasing from tension, sometimes kept for decades inside.

What is Inner Child Therapy?

If in a few words, then feeling the joy of life.

It's coming back children's perception delight from the fact that “I am” and “Life is”.

There are many techniques for reconnecting with the Inner Child. On my own, I suggest that you begin your acquaintance with the system of healing procedures for the Inner Child with the psychotechnology “Spring Greenery” by L. Bonds from the book “Magic of Color”. Here is how it is described in the book by S.V. Kovalev. “We come from a terrible childhood or How to become the master of your past, present and future”

I quote an excerpt:

"1. Take your jacket and roll it up. It is important that the jacket is yours.

2. With your folded jacket next to you, take a stable position in a chair, press your feet firmly to the floor.

3. Take the jacket with both hands and, holding it firmly, place it on top of your knees.

4. Take a look at the bundle, clearly imagining that for the first time you took yourself, a small child, in your arms.

5. Now talk to the baby who has never been. heard your voice. For example, repeat following words: "I will never leave you again." Pause. "Never. You will be with me. Can you hear me?" Pause. "I will never leave you again." Pause. "Never. You will always be with me now." Pause. "Always".

6. Repeat this until you are absolutely sure that the "child" can hear you.

7. In conclusion, take a small bundle in your arms, press it to your chest and shake it like a child.

L. Bonds notes that you may need to repeat this exercise once a day for several days, until your Inner Child finally believes you, since "he" or "she" still lived in constant fear because were abandoned, and all "their" experience suggests that we, adults, do not pay due attention to our children.
Further development your work with your own Traumatized Child may come out as a psycho-technique “Pamper the Child You Were” by J. Reinwater (“It's in Your Power”). This procedure, which is very similar to the above, is done as follows.

Take a comfortable position for you, relax, close your eyes, enter a relaxed, receptive state of consciousness.

Choose any difficult period your childhood. Imagine what you were then. How do you see yourself as a child? Is he sitting, lying or walking?

Contact him. Tell him some warm words approval and support. Give him some advice. Be his parent (protector, friend, guardian) as you yourself wanted to have. Pick up a soft toy that will depict the child you were, caress, lull it.

When you have completed this exercise, be sure to write down the feelings and thoughts that come into your mind. For many people, this is a very powerful experience, and sometimes a breakthrough.

However, it is very possible that your Inner Child was traumatized, as they say, immediately - from the moment of birth. If so, it would be better if you use psychotechnology. “Become a parent to yourself”, the description of which I made according to the proposed by J. Graham (“How to become a parent to yourself. A happy neurotic”) options for procedures.

Imagine that you are present at your own birth. As soon as you are born, turn all your feelings to the newborn baby, take him in your arms, wrap him in your arms and just caress him, at the same time gently looking into the eyes of your newly born baby. When you notice that your newborn self is returning that look to you or simply seeing you, reach out to that Inner Child of yours and tell them that you love and understand them and that you will help them grow into adults. Convince your Child that he/she has come to safe world in which you provide him necessary protection and help. Reassure your Inner Child that he will never feel alone or resentful, that he can become whoever he wants and how he wants to be; that he will no longer need to fight for victory and suffer defeat, because you, his adult consciousness, will help your Child to go through any trials. Explain to your Inner Child that he does not know feelings of loneliness or fear, because you will reward him with such attention that he (you) will grow up in an atmosphere of love and security. Reassure your Child that he will not need to resort to desperate attempts to get attention (which are reinforced in the form of neurotic and psychosomatic symptoms), because you will listen and hear him. And obey wherever it is really needed.

And another one of my favorites :)

Think about and write down your 25 favorite activities (blow bubbles/airplanes/kite; draw; bake cookies; knit; swim/dive; play football/hockey/checkers/chess/bingo/hide and seek; sing; dance; ice skate/ skiing / sledding / cycling; climb trees / rocks / fences 😉; sculpt from plasticine; etc.)

What from this list did you really enjoy in early childhood?

What on this list do you really enjoy now? When was the last time you allowed yourself to do any of the things you listed?

Put the date next to each class. And don't be surprised if it turns out that it was many years ago.

Pick something you haven't done in a very, very long time and... do it!

Find a moment for yourself every day. Do not postpone and do not put off "for later" - from Monday, from the New Year, from vacation.

In each of us there is an emotional, irrational part, which is called the "Inner Child".

The "inner child" is an emotional and behavioral experience that we carry with us from childhood.

Have you ever been in emotionally neutral situations when incomprehensible strong and irrational feelings suddenly came to life inside?

For example, fears, self-doubt, anger, jealousy, or you suddenly just start crying.

At such moments, from the depths of your "I" comes the voice of the Inner Child.
And this voice - whether we realize it or not - resounds daily in our Everyday life:

"I want to be the best"
"He leaves me alone"
"I need to defend myself to survive."

As a result, already in adulthood, we cannot recognize the achievements of other people, or we are afraid to enter into relationships because of the fear of rejection, or we react to a person from the present in the same way as we would react to someone from childhood.

As children, we encounter various traumatic situations. For example, a child whose parents are divorced may not express their feelings openly. He seems to conserve and archive them on long years. And after many years, he becomes very attached to his partner and experiences a strong fear of losing him. As strong as when he lost one of his parents. We can say that here, in this fear, the voice of the Inner Child sounds.

And there are two options here.

to hear this voice, this fear and this pain of rejection and process these feelings. This is a long and sometimes painful process - but it leads to greater integrity, harmony and fullness of our lives. On this path, you stop being a prisoner of the past and open the doors to the present moment of your life.
There is another option - to remain deaf to your own own feelings and fears. But then you remain deaf to yourself - your needs and desires. There is a chance that in this case you will, one way or another, unconsciously reproduce the traumatic situation and experience these feelings again and again in real time.

K.G. Jung has a wonderful expression about this:

Depression is like a lady in black. If she comes, do not drive her away, but invite her to the table as a guest, and listen to what she intends to say.

The voice you hear inside of you (emotions, intrusive thoughts, behavioral patterns, dreams) tells you a lot about what you really want and who you really are. The main thing is to learn to hear this voice, to accept and understand it.

How to find this voice in yourself. Try to imagine it in your imagination. Try to draw it. What does he look like? What does he feel? Is he cheerful? Scared? Angry? Crying? He ashamed? Jealous? What would he like to tell adults? What does he want to hear? What does he dream and fantasize about? Is there someone next to him? Someone to protect him or comfort him.

Try to remember your childhood - what did you want? What did you dream about? Have these dreams come true? Try to fantasize about it, just follow your fantasies. Where are they taking you? Perhaps over time you will begin to better understand your deepest needs and how they are embodied in your life. adult life.

Connecting with the Inner Child is not always easy.. It can be very difficult to discern this inner voice. Most often, it comes to us in the form of emotions - crying, fear, anxiety, resentment. And at first it seems that these emotions are simply never-ending. And this is natural - they have been hiding inside you for years and decades. But if you are patient and listen, wait, try to understand - one day you will hear what your Inner Child is really crying about.

And over time, the Inner Child will stop drowning in their emotions, survive and integrate them. Over time, he will overcome his fears, leave them behind and go out into a new world.

After all, you won't expect real baby so that he tells you exactly why he is crying? I think you will just give him space to experience these feelings and integrate them. Then, when the emotions subside, he will find a way to tell you about what is happening to him and what he is going through. The main thing is to stay attentive listener his inner voice. Maybe you should do something similar with your Inner Child?

How can I take care of the "Inner Child"?

Be patient. This is not a one-time activity, it is a process that can take quite a long time.
Try to embrace these feelings. Sometimes they are very much in conflict with ideas about themselves. An adult, independent, woman who is used to controlling everything suddenly begins to feel her dependence on a man. These feelings are completely unacceptable to her rational part. But, at the same time, these are her emotions, desires and needs. And they are very natural for her emotional part. What your Inner Child feels is your feelings; it is part of you.
Try to trust this voice. Try to follow the needs that this voice tells you. What does he ask of you? Try to take care of yourself the way you would take care of a real child.
Consider going into therapy if you feel that the cause of the problem is deep and long-standing.

remember, that psychological trauma- This is an episode of life, not a sentence.

The inner child is the source vitality and human creativity. Developing a relationship with your inner child can also heal emotional problems that have come about as a result of not honoring that part of you. Life in the world of adults can extinguish the flame of your inner child, but you can fight the pressures by accepting and reconnecting with your childhood source.

Steps

Part 1

Get to know your inner child

Reconnect with your childhood. One way to rekindle your relationship with your inner child is to "time travel" back to childhood. To do this, you need to make a list of things that brought you joy when you were young. Examine these memories and try to remember that miracle of childhood. You can also try again to do this activity. Here are some ideas:

Sports, be it football, basketball, volleyball, tennis or something else.
Explore nature. Picnic - great idea for this.
Play games. You can change clothes and have a tea party or fight off a gang of pirates.

Identify your special inner child. If your relationship with your inner child has declined over the years, try to determine where your inner child is now. This will help you create a map to bring your inner child back into your life. Here are some examples:
- Abandoned child. Such an inner child often occurs as a result of divorce or overemployment of parents. The main ones here are the fear of being abandoned and the feeling of being alone or insecure.
- playful child. This child is a healthy, often neglected aspect of maturity. A playful child wants spontaneous fun, and a life without guilt or anxiety.
- Frightened child. This child must have heard a lot of criticism in his childhood, he is worried when he does not receive enough approval.
Write a letter to your inner child. This can be an apology if you feel like you have neglected your inner child and want to reconnect. It can also be a simple letter that expresses your desire to strengthen the friendship.
- Tailor the letter to your type of inner child. If he is scared, try to calm him down and soften his fears. If he's worried about being dumped, let him know that you'll do your best to always be around. If he is playful, tell him that you want to honor his carefree freedom.
Cultivate open space. Your inner child is a vulnerable person. He may need a safe space before he shows himself. Many people hide or deny the existence of the inner child because they believe it makes them look weak. In order for your child to flourish, be kind and gentle, show approval. Approach him gently, as you would a small animal whose trust you want to gain.
- Sit quietly and tell your inner child that you want to know more about him, that you want to talk, and that you want him to feel safe. It may sound silly, but you are actually speaking to a part of yourself and your subconscious.
Listen to your feelings. One important way to get in touch with your inner child is to pay close attention to the feelings you have in your daily life. They are rooted in many amazing and painful childhood experiences when you were young and impressionable. The fears and insecurities of the inner child, as well as their joys and delights, often unfold into the emotional patterns of our adult lives.
- Check yourself throughout the day. Ask yourself “how do I feel right now?”. Try to put these feelings into words.
Be attentive to your inner critic. One of the biggest obstacles that can prevent you from giving your inner child attention and care is the voice of criticism. This voice can tell you that you are too old to have childhood fears or accept the stupidity of childhood.

Part 2
Nurture your inner child
1. Take your inner child seriously. You may want to push your inner child away because its problems will seem out of place in your adult life. However, this is not true, since many of our deepest fears are transferred to him. Avoid the temptation to ignore or neglect your inner child. It is impossible to avoid it.
  - Listen to it like you would listen to a real child. He is just as real and his feelings are just as important.
2. Accept the feelings of your inner child. You may feel frustrated if a feeling of fear or insecurity bubbles up somewhere inside of you. But you have to allow yourself to feel this energy, because that's what your inner child is talking to you about.
  - He can throw a tantrum or become discouraged. You can accept these emotions without "giving in" to them. Acknowledge them, but then move on without letting them determine your actions.
3. Use reeducation to heal. Reeducation is based on the idea that you, as an adult, have the knowledge and resources to give your inner child what it needs. If you feel that your inner child needs healing before it can manifest in your life in at its best, it is worth trying this approach. Based on the painful experience of his past, you know better than anyone what he needs and how to help him.
  
  Protect your inner child. While you shouldn't let childhood fears hold you back, you need to be sensitive to the needs of your inner child. If you have a certain insecurity that you haven't fully overcome, respect it. For example, you may have a fear of heights that first surfaced in childhood. Be kind to the part of you that is still unsure about climbing or jumping into a pool from a high springboard..
  - Also, avoid provocative situations. If the company specific people exacerbates childhood anxieties, limit contact with these individuals. For example, if you have a brother who teases you and makes you feel unhappy with yourself, don't spend more time with him than necessary.
4. Organize your living space. Make your home more open to the playfulness of childhood. Changing your environment will change the way you feel, so inject some childlike spontaneity and creativity into your life. Research shows that even something as simple as different shades can affect mood. Arrange familiar items such as awards or Stuffed Toys on the shelves. Dig up old photos of you and your family and put them all over the house. Try to brighten up the color of the walls, either by painting them or by hanging light and cheerful pictures.
Part 3
Develop your sense of fun