Child in the parent's bedroom: what to do if you are caught

06.05.2019

The shock experienced by parents who have sex when out of the corner of their eye they notice the figure of a child standing in the bedroom door is known only to those who have experienced it for themselves. What to do? Hide under the covers, yell at the child and kick him out of the room? Or maybe just pretend like nothing happened?

In a panic attack, it is easy to make mistakes that will remain in your child's memory. Therefore, it is worth thinking about what to do in such a situation in advance - just like that, just in case.

In the fire of emotions

Of great importance is the first reaction that the child sees from the parents. When we talk about young children who are only a few years old, the observed behavior of mom and dad is something completely new for them. And it depends on you how the child will interpret it in the future.

It is worth starting with mistakes that must be avoided. What not to do?

1. Don't yell at the child.

The first completely natural impulse of any parent in such a situation can only be anger. It is difficult to assess what it is really aimed at. On the baby, on the situation or on yourself? However, don't start by screaming. The child may be frightened, but he did not do anything wrong.

2. cover up.

One of the reasons that causes our momentary confusion in this situation is, of course, nudity. In some books, parents can find advice that you should not frantically wrap yourself in a blanket, but you should calmly take clothes and get dressed. No need to exaggerate. The child, of course, will not be scared if you wrap yourself in a blanket. Moreover, thanks to this, you will be able to talk to him normally.

3. Smile but don't overdo it.

The picture that appeared before the child can cause fear in him, therefore it is very important that adults master their emotions and calmly, with a gentle smile, ask: “What happened?”. It is not necessary, however, to give out excess artificial enthusiasm. Behave rather as if you were doing something ordinary and the child came into your room.

The next step is to find out why the child came to your room. If he is thirsty or something has scared him, then calmly tell him to go to his room, and you will come to him in a minute. This will give you some time to calm down and think about the conversation.

How to talk to a child who caught you having sex?

To begin with, it is worth considering at what stage the child caught you and whether he saw something specific. The situation looks completely different when mom and dad just started foreplay under the blanket. It may turn out that the child did not notice anything at all - you need to keep in mind that usually children go to their parents' room almost half asleep. So, if the child asks you for something to drink and falls asleep peacefully, as if nothing had happened, then most likely you have nothing to worry about.

And if he starts asking questions with curiosity? Or, frightened by his discovery, begins to cry? Or did he see that something was wrong, but he was ashamed or afraid to ask?

Parents need to remember that explanations should be appropriate for the age of the child. Three year old, most likely, he was horrified not because of sex, but simply because he was afraid that, for example, dad hurt mom. Then you should either ask: “What did you see and what do you think mom and dad did?” Or just explain. Start, for example, by saying: “Baby, we saw that you were frightened by what you saw. You don't have to be afraid because mom and dad used to play like that."

What if the child is older? A six- or eight-year-old child already knows for sure that this is not really a “game”. Here it is worth simply explaining directly that what the child saw is called sex. That it is pleasant to do it, but it is permissible only when you become an adult. By the way, it is worth talking about personal space and teaching the child to knock. Pay attention - not only the child should knock on your room, but also you, entering his room.

As you know, storks do not bring children, they are not found in cabbage and they are not bought in a store ... Many parents try to protect their children from information related to sex and intimate relationship between man and woman. But sooner or later, the crumbs will have questions that will need to be properly responded to and answered.

Even if the child has his own room and sleeps separately from the parents, it may happen that at night he will enter the parent's bedroom in the very wrong moment. In such a situation, the main thing is to behave correctly so as not to frighten the child, who may already be embarrassed and possibly scared.

“Stop the process” as calmly as possible, dress, trying not to show how embarrassed you are, go up to the child and calmly talk to him, ask why he came to you. In no case do not scold him, do not raise your voice, by doing this you will most likely cause him great harm.

Children preschool age often perceive the sex scene they see as dad's aggression towards mom. Therefore, it is impossible to behave in such a way that this opinion and the fear associated with this are fixed in the crumbs.

The child "reads" emotions from your face, for him your reaction to what happened is much more important than that that he saw something. If you are angry or frightened, the baby will believe that something terrible and frightening really happened in the parent's bedroom. Let one of the parents take the baby to his room, put him in his bed, read a book, calm him down and wait until he falls asleep.

The day after the incident, you must behave as naturally as possible, do not hide your eyes from the baby and calmly answer his questions, if such follow, because sooner or later they will have to be answered.

How to answer questions correctly?
You need to be prepared for this kind of conversation. You should not shy away from a direct answer, because if the child came up to you, then it is you who must explain everything to him. You need to speak calmly and confidently, without any embarrassment, using Right words and terms.

Try to respond calmly unexpected intrusion and calm the baby.

You can't say that you "played" like that. The child understands that the game is something for children and may be offended that his did not take with you. Ask what exactly he saw. Perhaps he will say that he saw naked mom and dad just hugging.

If he was frightened by groans and jerky movements, try to explain that you were not hurt, and people sometimes make such sounds with pleasure. Do not forbid asking questions on this topic, it will be better if the child hears answers from you, and not from someone else.

Explain that next time, before entering the bedroom, you should knock on the door and ask if he can come in. To similar situation did not arise, you can put a latch on the door and teach the baby to knock in advance. If there is no way to sleep separately, hide behind a screen. This will reduce the chance that the child will see something.

Even if you are very afraid to be in a similar situation, in any case, do not give up sex! Let it be better short and irregular (for example, in the shower, or when the baby is walking with his grandmother), this is better than his complete absence.

Text: Alexandra Gadzhi
The text is abbreviated

Psychologists are convinced that childish attitude the scenes of parental intimacy seen are greatly influenced by the reaction to the child that has appeared at the door. The most important thing is not to panic and not to focus on sensitive scenes.

What to say to the child "about it"?

Scenes in which parents make love most often cause an extremely ambiguous reaction in the child who sees them, which borders on interest and fear.

Finding parents in such a delicate situation, Small child may think that dad is hurting mom. Dad's irritability, screams, impartial remarks about his walking around the house will assure him of this thought.

Such a parental reaction will lead to the fact that the child will perceive the father as a villain and mother's tormentor. If after that adults begin to remain silent, behave nervously, the baby will be even more convinced of his suspicions, which in the end can negatively affect parent-child relationships.

Ideally, a child should not witness sexual contact between adults. However, this is not always possible, therefore, if the baby “declassified” you, you need to find the right explanations. The choice of words will no doubt depend on the age of the young witness.

If the child is 2-3 years old

Double or three year old baby who caught mom and dad at the moment intimacy, due to age and psychological features does not understand what is happening.

In this case, parents should behave calmly and quickly come up with the simplest explanation for their actions, otherwise the baby will begin to actively take an interest in what happened, which can lead to an awkward situation.

Most often, experienced adults say that dad gave mom a massage, they just had fun, played, etc.

At the same time, you should not dress in the presence of a small witness, on the contrary, he should be sent on business: bring a purse, a glass of water, see what he is doing a pet etc.

After the child returns, and mom and dad put themselves in order, you can play with him a little. Let dad roll him on his back, mom give him a fun massage. This is necessary so that the baby is sure that everything is in perfect order.

Many children at this age have various fears. If the situation is left without explanation (even if it is completely ridiculous, from an adult point of view), then he may think that the father beats the mother, and her screams are caused by pain.

It is important to get rid of the child negative emotions. To do this, you need to talk to him calmly, kindly, emphasizing that he is mistaken, dad did not want to hurt mom, on the contrary, parents have exceptionally warm feelings for each other.

If a three-year-old is so impressionable that he begins to ask for a parent's bed because of the fears that have arisen, this desire should be satisfied. Let the baby fall asleep with mom and dad, and only then he can be taken to his own bed. Very soon, the children should calm down and forget about fear.

Experienced parents who have encountered such an uncomfortable situation advise to prevent it. To do this, it is worth closing the door to the parental bedroom with a key before intimacy. Such foresight will help parents not be afraid of prying eyes.

If the child is 4-6 years old

A five-year-old preschooler is a rather curious person who actively absorbs any information, especially “mysterious”, “unusual”, “forbidden”.

Despite the fact that a child at this age does not yet have knowledge of a sexual nature, he revolves in a circle of friends who can be much more enlightened in this matter.

As a result, older children are able to explain in their own way the specifics of the relationship between dad and mom, if a little witness tells them about what happened.

If a five-year-old child “caught” his parents at the moment of intimacy, most likely he did not notice anything “extraordinary” in the dark. Of course, you don’t need to shout, but you shouldn’t explain everything about the “stork” in detail either.

Explain to the child that the mother had a backache and the father was giving a massage. That's enough, then you need to switch children's attention to something else. For example, take him back to the room, read a fairy tale and make sure that now he is definitely asleep.

Reasonable parental behavior, a calm explanation will contribute to the fact that the child will soon forget about what he saw. If the parents evade children's questions, shout, the baby will mentally return to the situation and want to learn about it from "other sources".

The next day, you should be extremely careful to find out what the child managed to notice at night. If he snorts in response that he saw you kissing, just calm down - he did not understand anything. Everything, this discussion is over, this situation should not be returned.

As we have said, preschoolers are curious. If adults have not satisfied the child's interest, it is likely that the child will begin to look for answers on his own, including spying on his parents or going into their room, justifying the visits with the fear of being alone.

If you notice that a child is spying on you, you should not scold or punish him. However, you need to talk to him about this topic. Say that such behavior is unworthy, unacceptable and undesirable. Agree with the baby that henceforth you will first knock, and only then go into each other's rooms.

If the child is 7-10 years old

Many decades are already aware of the relationship between representatives of the male and female. But everything sexual contact seem to them something dirty, unworthy, so the scene of intimacy of parents usually causes negative emotions in children at this age.

It is curious that as adults, eyewitnesses of the sex scene between parents say that at that moment (and even after many years) they felt anger, resentment, shame, because they considered such behavior to be something indecent, obscene and dirty.

To avoid negative emotions or minimize their severity, psychologists recommend adhering to the correct behavioral tactics:

First of all, you should calm down. You can’t shout at a little eyewitness, because he will get angry, feel resentment. It is best to invite the child to return to his room and wait for a serious conversation.
A heart-to-heart conversation is necessary, but its content will differ from a dialogue with a preschooler. With a child of preteen age, it is already possible to talk about sex. Parents briefly explain that there can be an intimate relationship between a man and a woman in love with each other. This is completely normal and natural.
Ten-year-olds can be given to read books about sexual relations written specifically for a children's audience. They are available and unobtrusively written where the children come from. It is only important to choose really useful literature.

Parents should speak in such a way that the child understands that nothing shameful has happened. But at the same time, one should not describe the sexual life in an overly naturalistic and exciting way, since children aged 7-10 years are not yet ready for such revelations.

If the child is 11-15 years old

The teenager is already well aware of various sources that constitute a sexual relationship. And if he treats strangers adults who make love calmly, then he makes completely different demands on his parents.

Finding mom and dad in an “indecent way” is a big stress for a child. In such a situation, an involuntary eyewitness experiences anger, disgust towards parents. In addition, he himself is ashamed of having seen this "obscene" spectacle.

All these conflicting feelings, coupled with the unstable emotional state inherent in adolescents, can lead to completely unexpected actions. So, on the forums you can find stories in which already matured people tell how they ran away from home, away from their parents.

If the child still managed to notice something that was not intended for his eyes, then it is time to seriously talk about the sexual side of adult relationships. Such a conversation can even be useful, since today's teenagers start early. sexual life. It is only necessary to correctly place the accents.

Many parents fear that a frank dialogue with a child about the intimate side of life will push him to "debauchery." However, this another myth. On the contrary, if adults do not discuss the problem after seeing the scene, it is likely that the child will begin to perceive sex either as something shameful or as something extremely attractive.

Sex education - important point raising a child, but it is better to do without such extreme situations. To prevent a baby or teenager from catching their parents for a “massage”, you need to take precautions in advance.

Experienced parents and psychologists are advised to adhere to several useful recommendations:

Such precautions will exclude the sudden appearance of the child at the most crucial moment. Of course, the prevention of such situations should not mean that parents should abandon sex education altogether. There will be heart-to-heart talks, but focused and maximally prepared.

The question of what to do if the child "caught" the parents in bed really requires a qualified answer. At this point, all smart ideas usually fly out of my head, leaving only shame and embarrassment.

But if you do not discuss the situation with the child, the consequences can be the most unpredictable. The solution to the problem will depend on the age of the little eyewitness. Live full life And remember to take precautions!

“Our life begins only after ten in the evening!”- a phrase that can often be heard from parents little fidget. Indeed, the whole day mom is busy with chores with the child, dad, of course, is at work. And, sometimes, spouses have very little time for love. Unless in the evening, when the children peacefully fall asleep in their beds. It is these moments that I want to use for, but suddenly it happens that the cooing is interrupted by the tramp of children's legs, the door to the parent's bedroom opens and ... Oh, horror! The baby woke up and caught you having sex.

How to behave in such a delicate situation? If you have never thought about it, then without preparation it will be difficult for you to navigate. And yet, try to competently get out of the situation. How? Now let's analyze.

Most importantly, don't panic!

Usually parents carry all sorts of nonsense, like “it seemed to you,” or even begin to scold the child and kick him out of the room. If a child caught you in the bedroom, the strategy of your actions will depend, firstly, on the age of the baby. Secondly, there is no need to swear, you can scare the child even more by yelling at him and showing your anger. Your offspring may think that something bad is happening between mom and dad and, God forbid, will complain to grandparents.

Just imagine how confused the child is. The sex scene caused him an ambiguous reaction: he was both scared and curious at the same time. It often seems to children that dad is hurting mom, because she, excuse me, is moaning. And if the father yells at the child, then the father will forever remain a villain who hurts the mother.

According to psychologists, it is better to try to isolate the child from his own as much as possible, since a love scene can hurt the child's psyche, and the consequences will affect him intimate life in future. However, if it so happened that the child “caught” you, then you need to calm him down properly.

If the child is 2-3 years old

Most likely, a two-three-year-old baby will not even understand what he saw. In addition, if the baby had previously slept soundly and suddenly woke up. So take advantage of his condition, roughly speaking. While the child is half asleep, do not wake him up completely, scaring him with a cry of surprise. Calmly ask the baby why he woke up and what happened. Maybe the child dreamed horrible dream Or he wanted some water.

If the baby starts asking you about what is happening, answer that dad gave you a massage or you just hugged (which they always do loving friend other people). Hug the child, caress, tell him something warm and ask him to go back to bed, try to sleep. Most likely, the child will listen to you, go to bed and in the morning will not even remember what happened.

Another situation: if it was not possible to portray calmness, and the child reacted violently to the scene he saw, present everything to him in the form of a game. In this case, with a smile on your face, you can say that mom and dad were just playing, but (what is important!) They were waiting for their baby to play together. Of course, it will be embarrassing for you to immediately jump out from under the blanket, then you need to quickly ask the baby to bring a toy from the children's room. The child will escape from your bedroom and you can get dressed. Then act according to the situation: read a fairy tale to the baby, play a little so that he falls asleep again. Again, it is important not to focus on the fact that the child "caught" you for something bad.

If the child is 4-6 years old

It is no longer so easy for a child of this age to cloud his head, and you will not get by with hugs and fairy tales alone. The preschooler needs to tell the truth, but, of course, not the whole truth. If you don’t want to explain anything, then the child may think who knows what or in general, start spying on you in order to figure everything out on his own.

So, what to do if you are caught in the bedroom by a child of 4-6 years old? To begin with, try as much as possible not to show your shock, do not scream or jump in surprise. In a calm voice, ask the child to leave the room, close the door and wait for you. Yes, you will have to interrupt your pleasant activities and pay attention to your child. Get dressed and go to the child to talk, but be gentle with him. Ask what he wanted and why he woke up, and then explain the reason for what is happening. It's simple: mom and dad, because they love each other, and there is nothing wrong with that. But you should also make it clear to the child that he next time knocks before looking into the parents' room. You can say: “There are times when mom and dad want to be alone. When we hug, we don't want anyone to distract us."

By the way, since we are talking about personal space, it would be nice for parents to observe this principle. Enter the nursery only after knocking on the door. It may seem too early for you to have such rules now, but they will be a reserve for the future. An older child will no longer have the habit of running into your bedroom without knocking.

Having witnessed a bed scene, a schoolchild is likely to be ashamed of himself. At this age, children show interest in the relationship between men and women. For some it appears earlier, for others later. Therefore, sensitive parents need to be on the alert. By the way, it would be nice to think about the beginning of sex education. Tell me, is it too early at 7 years old? Anyway, better baby get information on this sensitive topic from you than from strangers. There are many books on sale about which can be a good help. Before buying, leaf through the book yourself, look at the illustrations, making sure that there is nothing unpleasant or repulsive in them.

Well, if your little schoolboy accidentally caught you and your spouse having intimate activities, keep calm. To begin with, understand what exactly the child saw, otherwise you yourself will find yourself in an awkward situation, explaining to him what is not clear. Do not take your anger out on him, do not raise your voice, do not punish the child, otherwise it will be more difficult for him to trust you later. If it turns out that he saw "the most terrible thing", he will have to have a conversation. Try to carefully explain to him about the peculiarities of the relationship between mom and dad.

To prevent your child from catching you in the bedroom again in the future, consider a few recommendations.

1. Always close the door to your room. If you know that the child often wakes up at night, it is better to put a door with a lock and lock it with a key.

2. Make it a rule at home not to enter a room without knocking. If possible, show by example how important personal space is for each family member.

3. Of course, not all young families live in large apartments with several rooms. Many huddle in one, where parents practically do not remember their intimate life with the advent of a child. The way out of the situation will be screen or curtain that will furnish your bed and baby's bed. If you don't allow yourself loud sounds the child will not know anything.

4. Ingenuity! Who said that sex can only be in the bedroom? Check out other places.

We wish you boring nights and calm, sound sleep your child!

Household chores are fully completed, and the child has been sleeping in his crib for a long time. Mom and dad can finally be alone and do their own "personal" business. But suddenly, at the most crucial moment, quite unexpectedly, a baby appears on the threshold of the parent's bedroom. "What are they doing?" – in his eyes one can read both amazement and fear at the same time. At this point, it is important to try to remain calm and not focus his attention on the sight he has seen.

Saying "no" to panic

Scenes like this usually evoke mixed reactions in children, bordering on curiosity and fear. "caught" for an interesting activity their parents, the baby may feel that the mother is being hurt. Aggravating his perception can be nervousness on your part, accompanied by screams or angry statements about his visit. If this happens, the father will forever remain in the eyes of the child the villain and tormentor of the mother. If the parents are confused, fussy and nervous, the child may see this as confirmation of his fears, which may subsequently affect his intimate life.

Remember, a scene of love between parents can cause irreparable trauma to the child's psyche. sexual relations parents should always be shrouded in mystery, be in " restricted area”, but it’s better to stay out of sight and attention of the child. But if it so happened that the baby took you by surprise with his sudden appearance, you will have to convince him that there is nothing terrible in this.

If your child is very tiny (under 5 years old) , in a calm voice, ask him what happened and why he came. Maybe he was just afraid of the dark? Or wanted to drink? Be sure to ask him if everything is in order. When asked about what you did, say that “dad gave mom a massage, hence the sounds and groans”, or “Mom and dad just hugged because they love each other very much”. Add also that you love him too, and cuddle for loving people quite natural.

It happens that children, waking up at night, are in a half-asleep state and are not fully aware of what is happening. In this case, put on some clothes and walk him to your bed. Children subtly feel your emotional condition, so if you do not worry, they will not attach any importance to what they see.

Child over 5 years old you can ask to go out for a while and wait for you outside the door (or in your crib). After he leaves your bedroom, get dressed and approach him. Without a shadow of indignation, ask him what he wanted. When he explains why he came to you, tell him in an absolutely calm voice: "Darling, please, next time, before you enter, knock on the door.". If he is alarmed, reassure him that everything is in order. You can say: “There are moments when mom and dad want to be alone. When we hug, we don't want anyone to see it."

It happens that children saw more than what you expect. Then they can act somewhat cheeky to hide their awkwardness and ask you provocative questions: "And what were you doing there?" In no case do not give in to your impulses and do not scold them.

In no case do not shout or scold the child. Be calm and do not show that something out of the ordinary has happened!

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At the age of 7-10, many children already know what's what. If a child has become an accidental witness to a bed scene, he may not ask about anything, believing that this is a “shameful” topic. Therefore, it would be useful to talk about this first and once again show that you can talk about it with your parents, this topic is not bad and not forbidden. Just make sure that the child really saw something - sometimes frightened mothers, after having a conversation, belatedly realize that a sleepy child did not notice anything.

Without many words

In any case, first find out what exactly the child saw. And it will turn out, as in one old well-known anecdote.

The son comes up to his father and says: “Dad, what is an abortion?”. A blushing father tries to explain to his son what it is. He begins to talk about the complexities of the structure of the world, about how animals reproduce, then proceeds to the copulation of people. The whole story is accompanied by the terms "coition", "conception", "fetus", " unwanted pregnancy"... Having finished his long tirade, he finally looked at amazed son and asked: “Son, where did you hear such a word?”. What's up baby with wide eyes, sighing, replies: “You see, dad, we study a poem at school and there are such words “... And the waves groan, and cry, and splash. And the waves keep crashing ABOUT BOARD ship..."

Therefore, do not rush to make excuses, it is better to wait and, according to the reaction of the baby, determine how to behave further - to pretend that nothing happened or still explain to him about the peculiarities of the relationship between mom and dad.

Memo to parents

If you are still caught doing “the same” occupation, there is reason to think about precautions. Even young children have a hard time experiencing such scenes of love, they do not sleep well after this, they are worried and become nervous. According to psychologists, most people (mostly girls) who have problems in sexual life, in childhood became unwitting witnesses to the closeness of their parents. An image has forever formed in their head that it is very scary, disgusting and “painful”. As adults, they never manage to throw out of their memory those negative moments of their childhood perception.

This situation can be avoided. Here are some ways to keep children safe from psychological trauma:

Always keep closed door your bedroom. It is better to put a lock or install a valve on it. So you will provide yourself with complete relaxation and stop being nervous that they can enter you.
Teach your child to knock before, how to enter the room. You must show this with your own example. Knock when you want to enter his room. He will be pleased with such an attitude - mutual respect is guaranteed to you.
If circumstances prevent you from sleeping in different rooms(small apartment, inconvenient arrangement of rooms), make a screen or curtain, separating your bed with the child from each other. Of course, in this case, you need to restrain yourself and not allow yourself loud sounds, groans and sudden movements.
Be more creative. It is not necessary to make love only in the bedroom, you can master other places. So you will not only protect your baby from an "unpleasant" spectacle, but also diversify your sexual relationships.

Teach your child to show love in your family- in the morning, greeting, kiss and hug, and in the evening wish good night. Stroke the baby on the head when you praise him, do not skimp on affection. Spend more time together. In such loving family The child will definitely be happy. And then, even if something “forbidden” appears before his eyes, it will not have a detrimental effect on his psyche.

What to do if the child "caught" you in bed with your husband?

The moment when a child is caught during an intimacy is so awkward that many parents are at a loss as to what to do - distract them so that they forget, or try to answer their uncomfortable questions? In this video, we will figure it out together with experts - psychologist Victoria Lyuborevich-Torkhova, TV presenter of the project "Let's talk about sex" Yulia Bortnik and star trainer, father of two children Vyacheslav Uzelkov:

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