"You have the best friend. That's you yourself
Psychologies: Many of us inspired that we should treat themselves critically. And now they talk more about the adoption that you need to be kinder to yourself. Does this mean that we should be indulgent to their shortcomings and even vices?
The adoption is not at all synonymous with condescension or approval. "Take something" means that I let me take a place in my life, I give him the right to be. I say calmly: "Yes, what is, that is,". Some things take just: this is the table, we sit behind him and speak. It does not threaten me here. It is difficult to accept what I perceive as a threat. For example, I recognize that my house is going to demolish.
Is it possible to be calm when our house demolfate?
To make it possible, you will have to do internal work. First of all, to force yourself to stop when I want to flee or respond to the threat of aggression. Stop and collect courage to start understanding. The deeper we study some kind of question, the sooner we come to clarity: what do I actually see? And then we can accept what we see. Sometimes - with sadness, but without hate and fear.
And even deciding to fight for their home, we will do it wisely and calmly. Then we have enough strength and the head will be clear. When we are not responding to a reaction, such a reaction of flight or aggression in animals, but by the human act. For the act I can answer. So comes the inner balance, based on understanding, and calm in the face of what he saw: "I can be next to this, it does not destroy me."
And what do I do, if I can't accept something?
Then I run away from reality. One of the flight options is the distortion of perception, when we call black white or do not see any things. This is the unconscious displacement that Freud spoke about. What we have crowded turns into energetically charged black holes in our reality, and their energy is constantly holding us in tension.
The path to acceptance itself lies through the knowledge of the vague parties to his personality
We remember that there is something that we have crowded, although I do not remember that it is. There you can not walk and in no case cannot be released out. All the forces are spent not to look into this hole, bypass it. This is the device of all our fears, anxiety.
And to accept yourself, you need to look into this black hole?
Yes. Instead of covering your eyes, we will turn the will turn yourself towards what I don't like that it is difficult to accept, and look: how is it arranged? What is it, what are we so afraid? Maybe it's wrong and scary? After all, the most scares the unknown, muddy, obscure phenomena, what is difficult to grab. All that we have now spoke about external world, acts in our relationship with themselves.
The path to acceptance itself lies through the knowledge of the vague parties to his personality. If I clarified something, I stop being afraid of it. I understand how you can do with it. Accept yourself means again and again interested in yourself without horror. This was also spoken by the Danish philosopher of the XIX century Seresen Kierkegegor: "No war requires such courage that a look at himself." The result of the effort will be a more or less realistic picture of themselves.
But there are those who manage to treat well without applying efforts. What do they have such what the rest is not?
Such people were very lucky: in childhood, adults were adults who were taken, not "parts", but entirely. Please note, I do not say - they certainly loved and all the more praised. The latter is generally a dangerous thing. Not. Just adults did not respond with fear or hatred of some properties of their character or behavior, tried to understand what the point they have for a child.
So that the child learned to take herself, he needs a calm adult. Who, having learned about the fight, is in no hurry to scold or shame, but he says: "Well, yes, Petya did not give you an eraser. And you? You pet as follows. Yep. And Petya what? Ran away? He cried? So what do you think about this situation? Well, it is clear, and what will you do? "
Need a receiving adult who calmly listens, asks clarifying questions that the picture clears out, is interested in the feelings of the child: "Do you like? And what do you think, honestly? Well done or bad? "
Children are not afraid of what their parents look with calm interest. And if today I do not want to recognize some weakness, the likelihood is great, that fear of them I took over from my parents: one of us does not make critics, because our parents were afraid that they would not be able to be proud of their child.
Suppose we decided to look into yourself. And what we saw, we did not like. How to cope with it?
For this we need courage and ... good relationship with you. Think: each of us has at least one real friend. Close and friends - in life can everything happen - leave me. Someone will go to the world of others, someone will passionate children and grandchildren. I can betray me, can be divorced with me. I can't control others. But there is someone who will not leave me. And I myself.
Grateful attitude to criticizing and eat the most important indicator Self-acceptance
I am the very comrade, an internal interlocutor who will say: "Finish to work, you already begins to hurt a head." I am the one who is always for me who is trying to understand. Who does not finish the failure per minute, but he says: "Yes, you haven, my friend. It is necessary to correct, otherwise I will be. " This is not a criticism, it is the support of the one who wants to be in the end well. And then I feel warm inside: in the chest, in the stomach ...
So we can feel taking themselves even physically?
Sure. When I S. open heart I approach something valuable for myself, "the heart warms up" and I feel the flow of life. In psychoanalysis it was called libido - the energy of life, and in existential analysis - vitality. His character is blood and lymph. They flow faster when I am young and rejoice or sad, and slower when I am indifferent or "frozen." Therefore, when a person likes something, he is posed by cheeks, shine eyes, exchange processes are accelerated. He then has a good relationship with life and by himself.
What can interfere with accept yourself? The first thing that comes to mind is infinite comparisons with more beautiful, smart, successful ...
Comparison is absolutely harmless if we perceive others as a mirror. By how we react to others, we can learn a lot about ourselves. It is important that it is important to know yourself, appreciate your own uniqueness. And then the memories may again intervene. As if the themes to dislike about others in us sounded to the music. Some music is anxious and bitter, others are beautiful and harmonious.
Music is asked by the parents. Sometimes a person, already becoming an adult, for many years trying to "change the record". This topic is clearly manifested in the reaction to criticism. Someone too willingly recognize their guilt, not even time to figure it out if he had a chance to do better. Someone at all does not endure criticism, begins to hate those who have bit its immaculateness.
This is a painful topic. And she will remain forever, but we can get used to such situations to understand. Or even in the end, we will come to the trusting installation in relation to critics: "It is necessary how interesting he perceives me. I will definitely think about it, thanks for your attention. " A grateful attitude towards criticizing and is the most important indicator of self-acceptance. This does not mean that I agree with their assessment, of course.
But sometimes we really do bad, and we are tormented by conscience.
For good relationship With you conscience our assistant and friend. It has a unique inquiry, but does not have his own will. She shows that it would be necessary to do to stay by himself, the best, how we want to know. And when we behave wrong, it hurts and torments us, but no more ...
You can still dismiss this flour. Conscience in principle cannot make something to do, just quietly offers. What exactly? Becoming yourself again. We must be grateful for it.
If I know myself and trust this knowledge, I'm not bored with me, and I listen to my conscience - do I take myself to really?
For self-creation, a significant understanding of where I am now, in which place of my life. In the direction of what I am building it? We need to see the whole, we kind of "throw" the whole today, and then it acquires the meaning.
Feeling that in life makes sense, does not depend on what we do, and on how we do it
Now many customers come to psychotherapists with this request: "I am successful, I can make a career further, but I do not see the point." Or: "In the family everything is fine, but ..."
That is, you need a global goal?
Not necessarily global. Any goal that matches our values. And valuable can be anything: relationships, children, grandchildren. Someone wants to write a book, someone to grow the garden. The goal acts as a vector that structures life.
The feeling that it makes sense in life, it depends not on what we do, and on how we do it. When we have what we like and what we internally agree, we are calm, satisfied and around us are all calm and satisfied.
Probably impossible to accept yourself once and for all. Do we still be sometimes falling out of this state?
Then you have to go back to yourself. In each of us behind the superficial and everyday - style, manner, habits, character - there is something amazing: the uniqueness of my presence on this earth, my non-comparison with anyone with anyone. True: This, as I, never before and never will never.
If you look at yourself so that we feel? Surprise, it's like a miracle. And responsibility - because in me there is a lot of good, can it manifest itself in one human life? Do I do everything for this? And curiosity, because this part of me is not frozen, she changed, every day something surprises.
If I look at myself and so I treat myself, I will never be alone. Around those who feel good to themselves, there are always other people. Because the way we treat yourself, can be seen by others. And they want to be with us.
About expert
Existential psychologist and psychotherapist, Associate Professor of the Faculty of Psychology MSU named after M.V. Lomonosov, Director of the Institute of Existential-Analytical Psychology and Psychotherapy, Author of the Books of "Life Skills" and "Theory and Practice of Existential Analysis" (Genesis).
Good to be a child, a schoolboy, a student. IN young aged No need to think about friendship and work on relationships. Friends just eat, because it happened.
From birth, we live the lives that parents chose for us. So our acquaintances live, and the differences are not so significant to prevent friendship. So friends necessarily appear. In student years, we find ourselves in a medium ideal for forming friendly relationship. It is easy to observe everything the necessary conditions for strong friendship. Sociologists believe that they are three:
- Proximity (in the geographical sense).
- Permanent unplanned meetings.
- Something that allows you to relax in the presence of another person and begin to trust him.
So the number of friends in universities and colleges is growing. Maybe they are real, maybe these relationships are briefly. But you do not particularly make anything to start or maintain. They add up by themselves, you are only an observer.
Once student life ends. People with whom you communicate, occupy our places in your environment, each in your circle of communication. It looks like this:
Imagine that your life is a mountain. At the top you are standing. In the green sector - Friends of the first circle. Those who have become your brother or sister. These are the closest people: they are the first to recognize about all the events in your life, you love them with all the shortcomings, they say speech at your wedding, you know them from and to. These relationships are eternal. Even if you do not communicate with the months, each meeting proves: nothing has changed.
Unfortunately, life is that your worst enemies come to the first round. People who can ruin your day with one sharp remark, because only they know where to beat. These are people in relation to which you feel burning irritation, the envy you compete with. In the first circle rates are high.
Below, in the yellow zone, are friends of the second circle. It's just good friends. Relationships with them are much calmer than with brothers and sisters from the first circle. They can invite you to a wedding, but not a witness. If you live in one city, you meet once-another a month with great pleasure, but if someone leaves, you can not talk to each other or two years old. And if something important happened in their life, you will tell you the general acquaintances.
Even below the slope is an orange zone where there are unreal friends. You can sit together in a cafe for a cup of tea and decide that it would be necessary to meet more, but five years will come and it turns out that during this time you have no tea more than tea. Such relations exist in big company or in social networks. Even if someone from this circle suddenly receives a million inheritance, it will be little to worry. Orange zone appear sexual partners for one night.
The third circle smoothly flows into a huge category of acquaintances. In it, the people with whom you will stop throwing a couple of words if you encounter on the street. You are sending business lettersBut you will not meet in the movies. If you hear that the trouble happened to some of them, you can sigh sadly, although in fact you don't care.
Finally, familiar will dissolve people in the sea.
Depending on your character and from how you spent the last 25 years, your mountains may look different.
For example, the life of a person who does not even look closely to himself.
Or a person who tries to be the best friend for everyone.
Even the last sociopath has its own mountain.
No matter how your mountain looked like, when youth left behind, sooner or later (usually in the period from 25 to 30 years) comes the day when you understand: it has become difficult to start friends.
Without a doubt, friends will still appear (work will help, the company of the spouse, children), but you can hardly add them to the first circle of native people or even in the second round. People who get acquainted in adulthood cannot be held with each other all days or chatting the nights. And this is necessary for the birth of such sturdy relationship. Over time, you are aware that real friends appeared in your life by chance, spontaneously, and you did not do anything special for this.
You got acquainted with them, firstly, not specifically, and secondly, at the time, when I knew little about ourselves. Therefore, the closest people are randomly distributed on the schedule presented below.
Over time in squares 2-4 everything remains less people. We are growing, we start to respect themselves and install a higher bar in communicating with other people.
But the fact remains: many relationships tied in the years of becoming adherent to us. And even if the friendship is far from the ideal, people among our close friends are people, communication with which does not bring more joy and make sense to life. We will talk about the perfect friendship later, but still we will analyze 10 types of strange friends who are in our environment.
1. A friend who does not ask questions
You will have a good day. Or bad. You will be happy at work or get fired. You fall in love. Or catch your beloved on and kill both in a state of uncontrollable rage. It does not matter because no event cannot be discussed with a friend who does not ask questions. Never, for no reason, he will not be interested in your life. Why does he behave like this? There are three explanations.
- It is completely concentrated on himself and wants to discuss only his person.
- He is afraid to get closer to people and does not want to talk about his personal (either about his nor about yours), I agree to support only an abstract conversation.
- He knows that you are egocentric. If you ask you a question, you will only talk about yourself all evening.
So that such friendship makes sense, take only two steps.
First: If you are bored with this person, remove it from the first circle of communication. This is your green area, she is sacred, the people have nothing to do there. Move such a friend on the second or third level and enjoy rare meetings.
Second: Continue to communicate. You may even even use such a friend "dummy". Meet times a couple of months, just do not affect your personal topics in conversation. Believe me, you can communicate with a person for many years, but at the same time not even know if he has brothers and sisters.
2. Friend in the common company with which you will not stay together
In any company there are a couple of people who do not communicate with each other one. Not in the sense that they do not talk because they do not like each other. They are fine. They simply have nothing in common other than common friends. It is worth staying in the room alone, as they frozen, as if stone statues.
There is nothing worse for them than to be in a single car, if the company gets somewhere on cars. Constantly happen and troubles in bed. For example, if such people were the first to come to the meeting place or when the third friend went to the toilet. It is not at all necessary that these people will never be able to make friends. Sometimes no one is solved to take the first step and change the current position of things.
3. A friend who always laughs
This is a friend who is afraid of serious communication, so any meeting with him turns into a cabbage, and you should always be in a raised mood when talking.
Sometimes the cabbage is that you must laugh all the time. And constantly joke, sculpt the sarcastic comments, otherwise the friend is overwhelming fear.
Another version is always an ironic friend - this is a person who goes out of himself, it is necessary to break through his shell and say something honest. Such people hate sincere interlocutors, because they make them crawl out because of the armor of sarcasm and irony and show their true face.
Third version: Your communication is described by the phrase "you are cool, I'm still cooler, well, why the rest of the world is not so cool." Of course, a friend does not consider you an ideal. When he talks to someone else, it will prepare you already. The chip is that you should always be in his team. The only comfortable mode of co-existence is to stand on a fictional pedestal together and water mud. the world. You can burn such a friend and everything will be smooth, even if in the depths of the soul you despise each other and yourself. Or you can take the courage to disagree with him. For example, protect a person from criticism. It will destroy your fragile team and causes a response. Your strange friend is likely to agree with you, say something like: "Well, yes, you are probably right." Congratulations, it means that you first achieved respect for this person. And now it means that he will criticize you five times stronger than before.
No matter how cool, the mask is always cheerful man - This is a wall behind which your friend hides, so as not to let me too close. If you have enough strength to break the ice and reassure such a sociopath, he will be able to become a true friend. If a person is completely closed, then nothing can be done, such a friendship is doomed. Although if you like to delete constantly, then why not.
4. Other obligations
Think about each other with which you rarely meet. Before you appoint a meeting, you call up and rewrite to find a convenient time for both times. But when you wake up in the morning and you understand that today there is a friendly dinner in your schedule, it does not please you at all.
Maybe you do not want to be friends with this person, he even infuriates you. Most likely, you do not understand: this friend also does not want to see you.
Friendship with mutual obligations assumes that both of these relationships are in a burden. But everyone thinks that another person really wants to see him. Therefore, you can not highlight the place in the schedule for the meeting. When people want to communicate, they find opportunities and ways.
This friendship keeps, because you do not think at all that you do not like such relationships. Or you consider acquaintance with this person part of the history of your life. But even if you understand that you do not want to communicate, then you do not know that your feelings are mutual. Heavy friendship can exist eternity.
5. Frönzher
This friendship could turn into, that's just your friend or girlfriend do not look at you as a partner. There is not enough smallness. You can also be in a situation where someone loves you. No matter how cool is not the most healthy relations in your life.
If you have jammed in Franzow, is it time to get out of it? Even if you have to stop chatting. Because while you pull with such relationships, you destroy your self-esteem and look like a small crying seal. Make a step where your self-esteem? Perhaps it is bold decision Forced the object of love to look at you with other eyes.
If Franzonite You, then Know: There is a person in the world who suffers, and you like it. Because every time you see someone else's pain, your vague ego is overwhelmed with pleasure. It's so nice that you are even willing to specially warm someone else's interest and not to talk nor no one to eat blood wounded in the heart of a friend as a vampire.
Go and do something else.
6. Historical friend
A historical friend appeared with you one of the first, because you met when they were children. You were friends for years, although they were a strange couple. Many old friends fall into this category. But the historical friend is this person with whom you would never make friends if they met now.
You do not like who this person became, and this is mutual. You no longer fit each other. Alas. You are close friends with four yearsAnd nothing can be done about it.
7. Friend with whom you go to different directions
In childhood and in student, most of the people of your age are with you at the same level. But when it comes to self-promotion, people go through life with different ways, so recent friends suddenly turn out to be absolutely other people.
All those who are about 30 pass through such a stage. Someone thinks about how to live in 50. And someone remains 20 years old. To some extent, the thirty years is akin to the period of puberty, only in another sense.
There are hidden situations in which the roads with friends are diverged. Suppose Zhenya refuses material well-being Partially due to the vocation of the artist, partly not to envy rich people. And Sasha despises the whole of God, because he thinks creative people loafers or envies their freedom of self-expression. Sasha and Zhenya problem. Maybe they still like each other, but they can no longer be so close as before. Life Path Each of them challenges a friend's way, which leads to awkwardness in communication. So it happens when your moral values \u200b\u200bdo not coincide.
8. Friend with whom the enemies do not need
"ENTROY" you greatly harm you. It's not about those cases when a friend is experiencing a pleasure injection if you failed or. And not even about those who envy your progress. These are poisonous emotions, but they can sometimes arise even from real friends.
We are talking about this "enemy" - relations with such a friend who sincerely wants to harm you. Just because he wants.
Most likely, with a friend, you communicate with a long time, problems also began yesterday.
In hatred hid complex psychological reasons. It is generated from the inner pain of your friend, from his and regrets. And you have one existence of the patient.
A little less dark, but from this no less dangerous situation develops when the friend has sees your weaknesses and sensitive points and constantly presses from the sadistic pleasure or to raise their own self-esteem.
Such a friend knows exactly how to hurt you, because you are something similar or something related. And to spoil your life, it will be constantly, at any convenient case, but so deftly that you do not even remove it.
Be that as it may, if such a person appeared among your friends, throw it away from the circle of communication immediately. The more cool your relationship will be, the better. With an increase in the distance between you, the poison strength of the friend is dissolved.
9. Friend - Star of Social Networks
This person is not a star for anyone except you. Do you understand what I'm talking about. There are several people whose pages on social networks are too familiar to you. And these people have no idea that you are so interested them. I must say that you probably have people who know when you changed the hairstyle, although you have not seen seven years.
This is a friend of the third circle or just a friend who got into a list of strange friends, because you managed to make your relationship with pain, not even communicating with a person. It had to be able to be able.
10. Single bed friendship
Friendship can "skew" a bunch of ways. Someone is in your pyramid of friends at a higher position than you are in his pyramid. Someone wants to communicate more than the other.
One of the friends in 90% of cases listen and only 10% says, and if we are talking about difficulties, then communication is more reminded by the reception at the psychotherapist.
In general, the balance between what you give, and the fact that take from relationships.
Ideally, when the friendship is equally invested. But if the ratio is obtained about 65/35, also nothing terrible. In the end, the difference may be due to personal features. Sometimes even a greater gap in how many invests in relationships are not so bad. But only if it suits both sides.
There are a few questions, the answers to which are showing who is in friendship. When is one person talking longer than the other, does his friend interrupt his friend? Does the opinion of one friend larger weight? Is it possible to someone from friends sometimes behave fright towards another?
Another checker is to find out who determines the mood in the company. Suppose friends are found, but they have a different attitude. Sooner or later, the mood comes to a common denominator. Whose condition usually wins? For example, Sasha is not in the spirit, Zhenya, on the contrary, on the rise, and Valya adapts to Sasha and misses the Sasha will not start having fun. But if Sasha is rejoiced, and Zhenya Handrith, then Valya even forgets his unimportant mood and tries to smile to get on one wave with Sasha. In this example, Sasha has the strongest position among friends.
Not everything is so bad ...
You might think that everything is bad. But let's mentally return to the chart with squares. We discussed those friends whose relationships do not bring pleasures and benefits. Therefore, they listed not best options. But there is also such friendship, which is worth the effort.
There is nothing perfect, but there is also. Such, from communicating with which life becomes better at both sides. And if a friend gets into the first square of the graph and at the same time in the first circle of communication - this is one of cornerstone stoneswhich is built your life.
Reliable friends make us happy, invest strength and time in such friendship - a strategy of life for many years ahead.
But closer to 30 we think we have:
- no time specifically on friends;
- available time must be divided equally between humans from the first and second circle of communication.
And we will get into the eternal trap. When I don't see for a long time, we begin first of all to talk about something allegedly important. About career, marriage, family problems. Theoretically, after you discuss important questions, You can go to jokes, truth and actually for friendship. In fact, if we do not pay time to friends, and then we start asking for all the news for recent months, it does not remain a minute that is actually enjoyed by friendship and to discuss something other than recent events.
So, there are two items on the agenda:
- Think about your friends who are not included in the first square. Move them with your friendly mountain. Not in the sense to stop communicating with them at all. Treat them is still good, do not forget about them. But if something does not suit you, you do not need to constantly be with these people. In general, spend the surroundings.
- Pay more time to real friends. If you are already about 30, you can hardly find other real friends. They deserve to receive five, ten times more attention than other familiar. And just dine in the break is not enough. Real friendship is worthy of close atmosphere. Now take and schedule the evening with the best friend.
In our life can happen a different unpleasant events. So, we can divorce, break up with your beloved, lose work, etc. At such moments I want to count on someone's support. You are very lucky if you have best friendwhich will do everything possible to help you and bring you back to the usual channel. After all true friendship It is truly strong. It is not able to influence it nor the time nor the distance. We suggest you familiarize yourself with the signs that you have the perfect best friend. If you make sure that there is such a person next to you, then do everything, you can never break with him a connection, because you are not lucky!
In your relationship does not change anything, even if you do not see
Fate may form differently. So, you can go for a couple of years to work in another city or even the country. Of course, at the same time you will not be able to see your buddy several times a week. This is a normal state of affairs. However, when you return home, you will realize that nothing has changed between you during the separation time. You will also have fun and funny to spend time together, as before.
Willingness to help at any time
In our lives happen different situations. So, we can be on an unsuccessful date and not know how to leave him, or lose a wallet and stay without money for travel to the house. In this case, it will only be able to call the best friend, and he will begin to help you. 
A real friend will never allow you to suffer alone
When you have difficult times, it will be next to you every minute. And it doesn't matter what you will do - dance all night on a disco, cry in fast food cafe or sit in front of a TV on the sofa, your friend will make you a company.
Friend will always bother you back
A good comrade will always tell you if he hears that someone talks about you bad things. The best friend himself will respond and with dignity will answer these people to insult to your address. Even if you do stupid mistakeHe will defend you. After all, this is a debt of a better friend. 
You can always ask him to stay with you
If in the middle of the night you overcome you negative thoughts And experiences, because of which you cannot fall asleep, then your call with a request to talk or meet does not accepted the best friend. After all, he understands that without a significant reason you would not disturb him at such an hour. And if you already went to it, then it's really serious.
You may not coincide the tastes, but you go on a compromise
For example, your friend loves documentariesAnd you are tuned to watch a light comedy in the evening. Real friends will not quarrel because of this. Most likely, they decide to look at the evening both films. 
You do not like the same people
Surely, if you have studied together at school or university, we disliked the same classmates or students. However, similar emotional communication has another level. So, for example, if your girlfriend threw the guy, then you will be angry with a little less than it. And you can hardly miss the case to express your attitude to him.
Your friend will go to everything to make you smile, even if you don't really want to do it
If you do not want to get out of the house anywhere, and you feel broken, then the real friend will visit you every day and invent something to raise the mood. And in the end, he will make you smile and even laugh. 
They say the truth, and not what you want to hear
After several cocktails and pairs of a glass of vodka you can declare that now is the time to send an SMS message to your former guy. A friend will allow you to do it. And here real girlfriend Just selects your phone and will not allow you to make stupidity, which you will regret only a few hours later.
A real friend is ready to listen about your problems again and again
He always has enough patience to listen to the history of your gap with the partner of a thousandth time. A true friend It will not refuse to be a "vest" and wipe your tears, even if you already know absolutely everything about his problems. When it comes to tips and assess the situation, it will take you to the hundredth time that you amazing man And that your former came very stupid, leaving you.