Adoption and a childless family. Marriage, family without children
Adoption - where to start? How do you know if you are suitable for adoptive parents? How not to make mistakes? How to prepare so as not to replenish the number of returning children to orphanages? Well-known educational psychologist, specialist in family arrangements, laureate of the Presidential Prize in the field of education, author of the book "Your adopted child has come to you" Lyudmila Petranovskaya begins a series of articles "MINUS ONE" for those who want to take a foster child into the family.
Could we?
In the wake of the stormy discussion of the law prohibiting the adoption of our orphans by the Americans, called the Law of Mean longing and loneliness, the world of orphanhood, the world behind the fence, about which we have so long preferred not to know and not think. And, of course, in many families, the conversation about orphans drove towards a completely natural in this case question: could we, for example, take a foster child? And this question is immediately followed by many others: will they give us, will we cope, do we need it. Very reasonable questions.
After all, getting a child out of a government house is half the battle, he must still be raised, he must live with him, we must build relationships. It is important to understand your motives and evaluate your strengths before any serious life decision, but when it comes to the fate of the child and the fate of your family, this is important a hundredfold.
We are truly responsible for those we have tamed. What these beautiful words mean in reality, everyone knows who has come across children returned from foster families back to institutions.
They could not, did not cope, were disappointed, divorced, married, or gave birth to their own children - there are always some objective reasons. Whoever has at least once closely communicated with such a second time rejected child, who saw his eyes, as if sprinkled with ashes, will not forget. Therefore, let's think “on the shore”. It is not in vain that nature has allotted nine months to prepare for parenting. This is a huge change in life, consciousness, in the soul. It is for those who are now in the process of making a decision that we have prepared this series of articles. They are written based on years of experience advising candidates for adoptive parents and conducting trainings for the preparation of future adoptive parents and will go along with you through all stages starting from the question: "Should we take a child?" until the time when, already with a new family member, the excited family returns home, where a new life awaits him.
Here are just some of the questions most frequently asked by candidates for foster parents and which will be addressed in separate articles:
Can we handle it?
They say that adopted children are difficult, how do we know that we are capable of this?
And if one of the spouses wants, and the other does not?
And what will our children say? And our parents?
They say that it is imperative to go through the School of Foster Parents - why? Is it possible to teach how to educate children?
Guardianship authorities: they say there are queues, bribes and they talk rudely. It's true? To be afraid of them or not? And how to talk to them at all?
There is different shapes devices. And which one is right for us? What is more important - so that there is “absolutely ours”, or that there are benefits?
Take a child - which one? Younger? Older? A boy or a girl?
They say that all orphanage children have diagnoses. What does it mean?
How do you know if it's ours? Will they give us a choice? Here we come to the child. How to get to know him? What if you don't like us? What if he doesn't want to?
How to prepare your home and everyday life for the arrival of a child? Need something special?
- and many more important and very important questions that are worth asking and which are worth getting an answer - and from knowledgeable people, and from ourselves.
On this path, there will be many who want to intimidate you ("What are you? They all grow up as bandits!"), And many who want to agitate you ("Save the unfortunate orphan!"). Try to isolate yourself from both. What you need now is not emotional slogans, but comprehensive information and a leisurely, meaningful decision. And if this decision is negative: “No, this is not for me, not for my family” - this is also an honest, responsible choice, you will not ruin the life of the child and your loved ones. There will still be a time when you will have to fully devote yourself to the child when you have to to do a lot, ignoring their “I don’t want”, and sometimes their own “I can’t”. The moment will come when you will realize with all your soul that it is too late to decide and choose, there is a child, his life is in your hands, and you have to cope, no matter what. You will still read many books and articles about your child, and you will spend many more hours thinking about how to help him. And these texts are about you, this time is for you. Everything that you do now for yourself - you will do for your unborn child.
Family for a child.
A child does not just come to people, not just to a house - he comes to a family. Therefore, the decision to accept a child must necessarily be family-wide. Take your time, give yourself time to think it over and discuss, weigh strengths and the risks of your unique family. The first few articles devoted to families - childless and children, large and small, traditional and original - will help you with this, very different, but so necessary for a normal childhood. Oddly enough, such a familiar and dear to each of us concept as a family difficult to define. The "reference" family, which is depicted in commercials and in photographs in glossy magazines - mom, dad and two adorable children - is not so often met in life, and not everyone seems to be a reference family. For example, to our ancestors, and to many of our contemporaries, a family with two children would seem deprived, with few children. Not everyone will consider the absence of grandparents in a family portrait a plus. There are families of two, and there are families of thirty; families from one generation (husband and wife) and from four (with great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers); families without children and families without parents (for example, adult brothers or sisters living together); families related consanguinity and consisting of people who are not blood-born (stepfather or stepmother and adopted children).
However, the members of all these so different associations feel that they belong to something whole, some kind of community - their family. Psychologists, sociologists and lawyers argue about what can and cannot be considered a family, but we are very interested in specific question: who are the people who decide to take the child, and who are the people who will take responsibility for his upbringing, will raise him? It's one thing - a grandmother living in another city, who will see her adopted grandson once a year, another - a grandmother who lives with the prospective adoptive parents, and they work, and she is expected to sit with the child. One thing is the eldest son, who has his own home, his own family and children, and another thing is the eldest teenage son, with whom it is planned to add a new brother to the room. Who belongs to your "close" family - only you know, no one except you will answer this question. It is important to understand one thing: any significant decision is made by the family as a whole.
V modern psychology the family is seen as a system - a complex, specially organized and functioning unity. This means that any major change in the life of one of the family members affects everyone else. Imagine that beads are scattered on the table. You pick up and move or pick up one of the beads. What happens to the others? That's right, nothing. Because scattered beads are not a system. Now let's imagine that there is a necklace on the table. We grab one bead and lift it up. At the same moment, all the others will move - more or less, but all will move. The necklace is a system. And the family is a system a thousand times more complex. The family system is made up of many components: the personalities of its members, the characteristics of those families from which they come from, shared experiences established relationships adopted in different moments solutions and much, much more. Each family has its own unique way of life, style of life, the inexplicable "it is so accepted in us", which makes each family unique. There are no "right" or "wrong" families, there are no formal signs that indicate whether or not This family will not be able to raise an adopted child (those that exist are listed in the law: grave crimes in the past, social failure, very serious illnesses). A child can be good both in a noisy large family, and together with an unmarried mother (unmarried dad); young and cheerful parents, and experienced and calm parents; in a family where there is a daily routine and everything is in place, and in a family where things are lying around and sometimes there is ice cream instead of soup for lunch; in a small apartment in big city and in a large rural house; in the family where the parents graduated from the 8th grade, and in the family where they have scientific degrees. Believe me, I have seen thousands of successful families with foster children in my professional life, and they are all very different. They have one thing in common - they love, understand, support their adopted children, and they consider their family the best in the world. You do not need to "conform" to any model. The best thing is to know and understand your family as it is. This will allow you to anticipate difficulties, prepare something in advance, some possible problems to avoid. Let's try to take a closer look at families, different in composition and history, from this point of view: what will be easier for them, and what may be difficult? It makes sense to read not only an article about a family like yours, but also others, because that families are different, something different, but the division "by composition" is very conditional, and the problems are very similar, and you can find something important for yourself in the article, dedicated to the family family without children Most likely, you do not immediately (not directly in Honeymoon) thought about adopted child(although it happens). Behind shoulders - some experience married life... Apparently enough successful experience if, having gone through all the hopes and disappointments together, you are thinking of a new family member. A union that did not fall apart after the terrible diagnosis of "infertility" is no longer an accidental union. You have learned to be together in sorrow and in joy - this is your strength, your support. There are many childless married couples who do not suffer from their position at all. They are absorbed in work, hobbies, their relationships and are quite satisfied with what they have, and maybe they look with sympathy at friends leaving a fun party "to bathe and pack", or refuse an interesting business trip, because "the children will be bored." ... If the child was born himself, most likely, they would be glad and love him, but to do something on purpose, to take adopted children is too much. You recognized yourself in this description, and, in all honesty, do not really want to become parents, but are you pressured by your relatives or just a desire “to make everything like people”? Put this pressure on one side of the scale - unpleasant, of course, and on the other - the whole nightmare of the situation when you take responsibility for the baby's life and only then clearly understand that you do not want this, you cannot, are not ready, this is not for you. You have every right not to want to become a parent. Nobody anywhere has proved that people can be happy only by having children. Just as the presence of children does not guarantee happiness, neither does their absence doom them to misfortune. To each his own, and in your case, the greater concern for children will be not to succumb to external pressure, but to listen to yourself. You can't help thinking about the thousands of children in orphanages who dream of mom and dad? But you can help them not only by taking them to your family. You can help people you know foster families(both with money or deeds, and simply by supporting them), or offer your help public organization family placement or child placement service. For example, print advertising materials and distribute them, take high-quality photographs of the guys from orphanage, organize additional training or developmental classes for them, offer interesting program for the rest of foster parents. But you never know what you can think of, depending on whether you are a teacher or a doctor, a publisher or a businessman, a pensioner or an avid tourist! Help is always needed. By the way, it is very likely that by helping and supporting, you will get to know families and children better, get rid of some of your fears and stereotypes, and your attitude “this is not for me” will first turn into “this is not for me ... extremely least, for now ", and then in" why not? ". The experience gained along the way will be useful in the future, and at least you won't have to reproach yourself for the hasty decision. All of the above is not about you? Since childhood, you dreamed of children, waited with hope for pregnancy, with hard work survived the doctors 'verdict and can't look at the neighbors' children in the sandbox without tears? It would seem - what is there to think, running after the child! Still, let's pause to listen to what is going on at heart. Infertility is a special diagnosis. The ability to reproduce is very important for every man and every woman (even during those periods of life when they take all measures to avoid a possible pregnancy). The awareness that, in principle, you can do this, and here it is the proof - your child, gives us a feeling of our own usefulness, solvency, conformity to a certain norm. There is no ability to bear children - it means I am “not quite a woman (man)”. One can agree or argue with this, but this feeling lies so deeply, in our still reasonable, natural depths, that you cannot just brush it off. “I don’t want to have children” is one thing, “I can’t” is quite another. The awareness of one's infertility causes a whole set of heavy feelings: shame, pain of a lost dream, despair, guilt before a partner and his family. The feeling of guilt can be absolutely groundless: the person did nothing that the doctors warn against, there is nothing like to reproach himself with - but still ... And now a saving way has been found: to take an adopted child. There is a very a fine line, with which it is important to understand. If the decision to take a child is made only out of despair, foster parenting is unwittingly perceived as "inferior", "surrogate", "flawed", so to speak, "cancer without fish." Unfortunately, the stereotype that a typical adoptive parent is a person who has not been able to give birth to their children is pushing the spouses to this very perception. This, by the way, is not the case: according to statistics, both in Russia and in the world, most of the adoptive parents are people who already have children. However, behind this stereotype is the conviction that there is a “right”, “good” way to become parents, and some kind of fallback option for those who have failed to cope with it, which one goes only if it cannot be avoided at all. All this may not be expressed directly, but hang in the air, slip in communication and constantly, relentlessly put pressure on future adoptive parents. As a result, they begin to be ashamed of their decision (and later of their child), make unthinkable efforts to keep the secret of adoption, are panicky afraid of condemnation and provocations from others. Already raising a child, such parents often do everything too and too much, as if proving to themselves and to those around them their usefulness: they go to doctors too much, they prepare too hard for school, they worry too much about any trifle. As soon as the child causes trouble, the spouse, with whom the couple's childlessness is associated, begins to feel particularly guilty (“ Native child I wouldn't do that. ”) It’s also good if, in the heat of a quarrel, accusations such as:“ This is all because of you, you’ll figure it out ”or“ If I married normal guy, and my child would be normal. " All this, of course, does not add family life stability, and parents - confidence and ability to cope with difficult behavior The result is a self-supporting prognosis: based on the premise that adopted child- this is a child's “surrogate”, a “second-class” child, with whom, by definition, “everything is wrong,” the adoptive parents themselves, willingly or unwittingly, behave in such a way that the child's problems are aggravated, and as a result, it really turns out to be “wrong”. And most importantly, in such a situation there is little chance of fixing everything, because there is no incentive to look for mistakes in one's own behavior, because there is always a convenient explanation at the ready: “This is all because the child is not his own.” What to do? First of all, do not allow you to be "dragged by the collar" to the threshold of the orphanage. It is important to realize that an adopted child allows you to become parents, but not to solve the problem of infertility. He cannot and should not replace for you the child whom you failed to give birth. Your infertility has nothing to do with him at all, it is a pain that you must cope with yourself, together with your spouse and your entire family. And handle before your mental strength will be needed by an adopted child. Otherwise, the newly acquired child, instead of joy, will become a constant reminder for you of “how everything could have been,” and you will involuntarily be angry with him for being “not the one”. How “happy” the childhood of your adopted child will become in this case - I think there is no need to explain. Therefore, give yourself time to figure it out. Can you discuss this issue with your spouse? Talk to him about your feelings? Talk about it with your own and with his parents? If infertility is associated with only one of you, it is very important to have a frank conversation about whether the other spouse is ready to keep the marriage under these conditions. Because quite often the other side begins to latently consider itself free from obligations, although it does not speak about it out loud until a conflict breaks out or an “alternative” appears on the side. Or the marriage persists, but a kind of implicit feeling of inequality appears in it, as if one spouse did the other a favor, not abandoning him, despite the sterility. By the way, some psychologists believe that this should be so: if one of the spouses is sterile, then the other has a complete the right to leave without any sense of guilt. If he remains, then a certain "debt" to him from the wife or husband is formed. I cannot fully agree with this point of view, because such a complex phenomenon as human marriage is not limited to the tasks of childbearing. But it is certainly important to openly discuss the situation, including feelings of guilt and "duty." ... As you know, the best way to get rid of the vague feeling that you owe something to someone is to simply say from the heart: “Thank you! This is very important for me, I really appreciate it. ”If you feel that the topic is so painful that you cannot talk about your infertility without tears, and are generally unable to discuss it in your family, it is better to start with a visit to a psychologist and, perhaps, from working with him for a while. There is nothing to be ashamed of: the loss of fertility (the ability to reproduce) is a serious loss, for many comparable to the loss loved one Your feelings deserve to be treated with respect and respect. Perhaps your family simply does not accept frank conversations, and you do not even know how to start. Or you are afraid to hurt your spouse, to say something that you will regret later. Then you can also contact a psychologist and ask him to help conduct this conversation. Perhaps he will offer you a family session, then you can discuss everything in his presence. Oddly enough, this is often much easier than talking in private, because the specialist knows how to create a psychologically safe environment and direct the conversation in a constructive direction.
Having taken an orphan into the house ...
Another difficult point. There is a belief that by accepting an orphan into a house, you can thereby overcome sterility. And my experience confirms it - I know a lot of families who, having a disappointing prognosis of doctors, or, on the contrary, a very vague diagnosis (like nothing like that, but they cannot get pregnant for years), took an adopted child and found themselves in “ interesting position"Already almost at the stage of getting to know him. It's hard to tell how it works. Perhaps, having found an alternative solution, people cease to be nervous about conception, or communication in a circle of people eager to have children will normalize something inside. One way or another, if in your case pregnancy is physiologically possible, this possibility must be borne in mind. And take a foster child only if you are sure: you will not abandon him with the appearance of your own. I would not have talked about this if not for examples from life. It seems to be so happy story: they took the baby, and their own was born - sometimes it ends very sadly. It was also sad for the adopted child, who became unnecessary and returned to Orphanage, and for the family itself, which was experiencing the collapse of its image " good parents ". This happened because at the decision-making stage, people did not realize that they needed an adopted child only as a substitute for their own, and not on its own. "Of course, we will not give up, we will raise both!" Do not hurry. If you haven’t had children yet, you just don’t really imagine that storm of feelings, spurred by hormones, which sometimes covers people after the birth of a child. With him everything will turn out to be "completely different" than with the foster child. How will you be afraid of bloodshed, how jealously you will share your strength and time between them, how will you feel guilty, catching yourself that it is easier for you to hug your loved one and kiss it from head to toe, how painful it will be to hear your relatives grumbling that, they say, bother with a stranger when your own is not looked after (and it doesn't matter if he is actually looked after or not). Not to mention that if the period of toxicosis or postpartum weakness coincides with the period of adaptation in the adopted child, it is a separate "pleasure." Please think about this opportunity in advance, figure out how you will cope, what additional forces you can pull up: help from relatives, nannies, something else. And also - allow yourself to love them in different ways in advance. It is not known how everything will be, sometimes the adopted person falls on the soul more than the native, sometimes people do not notice the difference at all. But if you notice, don't gnaw yourself. This is fine. We are not only conscious people, we are also animals, we have the right to feel and perceive in different ways a child born of a child and a child born of other people. By the way, the children themselves are unlikely to suffer from this, because they take for granted everything that comes from their parents. Of course, if they do not lie, but this is a separate big conversation. Feelings can be anything. But feelings are one thing, and decisions and actions are another. Do not dismiss the question, “What if?”, Discuss it honestly and in detail in advance. And if you catch yourself thinking that with the advent of your child, the foster does not seem to be needed, it is better not to risk it. It also happens: the union cracks, and it is already difficult to determine whether the infertility of one of the spouses was the reason or only the reason for the deterioration of relations. The worst thing to do in this situation is to try to save the marriage with the help of a foster child. Nobody has ever succeeded in this. New responsibilities put spouses even more stress, and instead of supporting each other, they only increase their claims. Family life turns into a nightmare, marriage breakdown is much more painful. Do not condemn yourself and your innocent child to all of this. Decide on your marriage: either it will get stronger again after the crisis, or - alas - it will fall apart. Give yourself time to recover from your divorce and move on. There is nothing stopping you from taking the child on your own - the resources and risks for a single parent will be discussed a little further. inner work then you can take your infertility just for granted. After all, you never know who is not capable of anything in life: someone cannot hear, or drive a car, or decide math problems, this does not prevent people from living, realizing themselves and being happy. Probably, mental pain it will still make itself felt, but in general you coped with it, it does not drag you into depression, does not cause tears. So you can start thinking about your adopted child! You have a huge resource at your disposal. You are most likely still quite young, healthy and full of energy. On the other hand, they are not youngsters, they have a job, a certain well-being, time-tested friends. You have a solid marriage. You dream of children and are ready to devote a lot of time and energy to them, ready to love with all your soul. All these are your strengths, the guarantee of your future happiness with your adopted child. There are, of course, weaknesses. For example, an elementary lack of experience. But, on the other hand, everything happens for the first time sometime. Think in advance who can help you with business and advice. Considering that you have been living together for a long time and a certain way of life has developed, it will be more difficult for you than for newlyweds to rebuild your lifestyle with the advent of a child. If you are over forty, you will get tired faster, but there are pluses as you get older: adults are more patient. In any case, the goal is worth the effort. With the arrival of a child, a new zest for life and new strength will come. They say childbirth rejuvenates by several years. Judging by the families with whom I had to work, the emergence of an adopted child produces the same effect - mothers simply flourish, and fathers are even somehow taller. The main thing is that your baby will receive parents who have dreamed of him for so long and passionately and will love him, no matter what difficulties.
A family is considered childless when spouses have not had children for 8-10 years.
Consciously childless marriage is when healthy young people can, but voluntarily do not want to have children, such people are called "Childfree", they do not have children because they do not want to continue their family line.
According to the 2002 All-Russian Population Census, almost half of Russian families have no children. Some of them make such a choice themselves, others want children, but cannot have them. Voluntary childlessness is due to the intention of the spouses to refuse to add the family for a certain period ("postponed births") or forever ("childfree").
The factors of voluntary childlessness can be divided into two groups - socio-economic and psychological. Socio-economic leads to a situation where the birth of the first child is postponed until the completion of education, improvement housing conditions, devices on high-paying job and for other reasons. This leads to an increase in the age of motherhood, but does not deny the fundamental possibility of procreation.
In a pair where one of its members is a convinced childfree, and the other hesitates, the childfree wins and children are not born. This fact speaks of the possibility of spreading "free of children" their influence on other people.
"Permanent postponers" (from adolescence or from the beginning of marriage / partnership they postpone the birth of a child until later. But their temporary "sweat" smoothly turns into a permanent "never")
“Undulating refuseniks” (they have periods when they want children, sometimes they even really want them, but other considerations and aspirations of their lives are still more important even during these periods, and as a result they do not have children).
Reasons for refusing to reproduce
Fear of not enjoying being a parent or being bad parent, fear of taking responsibility for the child. Some are afraid that they will not be able to properly raise, nurture and provide a decent life for their child.
Children interfere with marital relations, they want to have more time for themselves - to live for their own pleasure
Children interfere with social activity, they want to work hard, achieve career growth and improve the level of well-being
they do not like children (they are annoyed by other people's children and they do not want their own)
people are afraid for their health and the health of the child
Unwillingness to change family life
Negative memories of your childhood
Some childfree think the planet is overpopulated, a terrible world where it gets worse every year. We must first create conditions, and then have children.
Education, career, travel, entertainment for many modern people more important than fatherhood and motherhood.
Men have a fear of being on the sidelines, dissatisfaction with marriage, poor material conditions.
Women, on the other hand, are afraid of ruining their figure, want to live “for themselves,” afraid to ruin their careers. And they are also terrified bad relationship in family. There are also women who have a real disgust for pregnancy and childbirth.
Childfree believes that a childless marriage has several advantages:
1. There is no lack of sleep, and the woman has time to take care of herself
2. Spouses give their feelings only to each other
3. There are no fathers running away from crying children
4. There is an opportunity to build a career, develop, lead a free lifestyle.
Childfree argues that there would be much fewer abandoned children if their birth was treated more responsibly.
Childfree: gender differences and stages life cycle
Childless men in old age feel somewhat better than childless women - they are richer and can hire someone to take care of them, and they retain other (non-parental) social roles that make their lives meaningful for longer than women.
Particularly "sad" is the fate of childless married couples so happy in their youth - perhaps as a "punishment" for "fixation" on each other and refusal in due time from the rest social connections... Singles and single childfree in general are more likely to friendly relations with people younger than themselves, which subsequently supports them.
Men more often perceive children primarily as a factor requiring financial sacrifices on their part.
Intentions to have / not to have children can change over time in any direction - childfree, who today claim that "never", may not only become parents in 9-10 years, but also join the ranks of those planning motherhood or fatherhood - and this is purely the form is precisely a change of intentions.
Currently, about 15-20% of families in Russia remain childless. Which allows us to speak about the existence of a demographic and medical and social problem of a national scale.
In Russian sociology, there are two approaches to determining state of the art families: crisis and transformational concepts. The differences between them are determined by the look at the changes that the family is undergoing. Some talk about its complete dysfunction and failure; others are of the opinion that in the modern family there is only a shift in functional aspects.
The modern demographic situation is largely a consequence of the problems that the family is the bearer of. Modern family does not cope with the task of population reproduction, it is increasingly inclined to have few children. The reasons for this are associated, in the opinion of most researchers, with the transition to an industrial civilization, since neither the nature of labor, nor remuneration for labor now depend on the presence of children. Rather, on the contrary: families with few children win in everything over large families. In this regard, today the question of the value of children in the family arises. This problem was highlighted in their works by such researchers as T.A. Gurko, A.I. Antonov, V.A. Borisov, S.N. Varlamova, A.V. Noskova, N.N. Sedova and others.
Reproductive attitudes, such as the desired and expected number of children, are of great importance. According to the all-Russian study ("Family. Demography. Social health of the population", January 2006), a two-child family is the benchmark. This type of family is preferred by more than half of all respondents (54%), however, the expected number of children on average in the sample was 1.8 children.
Family and children lead the hierarchy of values among 94-97% of the respondents. 79-84% of the respondents agree with the statement that “every woman should become a mother”. It should be noted that the value of “children” for the youngest respondents turned out to be less significant than for people of middle and old age (64% among 18-24-year-olds compared to 76-78% in other age groups). A childless family 2% of the respondents chose as the desired model, and 3% are planning a childless lifestyle. The high percentage of childless families in society leads to a decrease in the birth rate, thereby affecting demographic indicators.
A childless marriage is a marriage in which there are no children. The reasons may be: the unwillingness of the spouses to have children, in connection with which they use different methods protection from pregnancy (contraception); the inability to have children for some established or unknown reasons.
Voluntary childlessness is a fundamental unwillingness to have children, despite the existence of such an opportunity. The term childfree, borrowed from the English language, is also used. Why healthy, often successful people deliberately refuse parenting is a question that needs to be answered. It is necessary to identify and comprehend the reasons for voluntary childlessness.
Unwillingness to have children can be temporary and determined by such factors as the desire to first make a successful career, psychological unpreparedness, financial problems, etc.
The absence of children in the family can also be caused by the unwillingness of one of the spouses to have a child. Such situations often arise when remarriages when one of the spouses already has children from a previous marriage.
If you want to have children, their absence may be due to infertility in marriage or miscarriage of the wife. Infertility - serious problem reproductive medicine, in which there is a combination of social, mental ill-being and almost always physical ill health in the family (WHO). According to the WHO definition, a marriage in which, despite the regular sex life without the use of contraception, the wife does not become pregnant for one year, provided that the spouses are of childbearing age.
The largest number infertile women v age group 20-29 years is the most favorable age for reproduction. This cannot but cause alarm. The main causes of infertility are inflammatory diseases; endocrine pathology in women; artificial termination of pregnancy; heredity; intoxication with chemicals in men; immunological incompatibility of spouses.
Infertility in marriage can be primary if there has never been a pregnancy in this marriage, and secondary if there have been pregnancies. The main cause of secondary infertility is post-abortion complications. The consequences of the first abortion (during the first pregnancy) are especially severe. Unfortunately, in Russia, abortion continues to be perhaps the most popular means of family planning, which speaks of medical and sexual illiteracy of the population. Due to the elimination of secondary post-abortion infertility, the birth rate can increase by 30-35%. In this regard, it is necessary to talk about conscious parenting. Every child should be wanted.
Childlessness is a cross and a mystery
The apostle's words that a woman "will be saved through childbearing" (1 Tim. 2.15), for many become an indisputable - an established axiom. Often, childless families in our country are viewed, if not as inferior, then certainly with sympathy, compassion and hidden pity. Our conversation with the rector of the Church of the Pochaev Icon of the Mother of God, Archpriest Sergius Pavlov, was devoted to the problems of childless families.
-Father Sergius, can we say that childlessness is a cross?
Everything that happens in our life is a cross. First of all, the cross is what saves a person. And a person, as we know, is saved by some kind of work, and sorrow, and deprivation ... That is, the cross in this case can be perceived by someone as something negative. This is not the case, though. We know that there is the Providence of God and that the Lord leads a person only in His own way. And we can never fully comprehend how it works. Therefore, we do not always understand why the Lord does not give children to someone. The holy righteous Joachim and Anna - parents of the Mother of God - too for a long time were childless. The Lord gave them the baby late - in answer to their prayers. The most precious, the most valuable is always not given to a person at once. And when the Lord hesitates to give us something, He helps to appreciate much more what is given, and it is better to prepare for this gift. It is no secret that there are many things in our life that we do not value simply because we got them too easily - for nothing. And therefore, when the Lord does not give a child for a long enough time, we must, on the one hand, realize that we do not know why He does this. On the other hand, to understand that everything the Lord does for salvation. Often the cause of infertility is clearly sin, and the person himself is aware of this. For example, when my mother was pregnant, she spoke in her hearts: “I don’t want this child to be.” These words are pronounced in the depths of the soul - and then a woman has no children all her life. Or at least not for a very long time. Although infertility may have other reasons: abortion or advice to another person to have an abortion, which is the sin of infanticide. Here, of course, there can be no two opinions: this is the punishment for sin. Although - what is punishment? To punish is to show. And if the Lord punished, it means that he showed where to go. In the end, everything is given, by His mercy, in order to save. The punishment of God is punishment only in form, in essence it is always love, merciful and forgiving.
But more often women find in the absence of children not a lesson, but only a feeling of their failure and inferiority.
As long as a person does not have an Orthodox outlook, any test can cause a feeling of failure. Orthodox man knows that everything (both good and bad) in his life can equally be turned by the Lord and himself both to Salvation and to destruction.
-In this case, is it necessary to treat infertility?
It is necessary to treat any disease, including infertility. But - trusting in the will of God. Because if there is no God's will, then no money, no treatment will give a result. A person who is being treated for infertility, at the same time, must be aware of his sins. And to think not only “I want to have a child”, but also about what this child will be like, what he is able to give him. To think about whether he will be able to make sure that those sins, passions, vices that live in each of us do not later become the main “legacy” of the child. And of course, while undergoing treatment for infertility, you must definitely go to church, confess, receive communion. Everything else is in the will of God.
- How Orthodox Christians should be treated modern technologies solutions to infertility problems?
Everything must be approached with judgment. You need to know what lies at the heart of a particular technology. For example, everyone knows that in some types of fertilization several eggs are fertilized at once, and then the "extra" embryos are destroyed. Naturally, this is by no means permissible. Because we understand that they are already killing a person here, killing life. There can be no two opinions. As for the treatment itself, we again need to know which drugs will be used in this case. There is male and female infertility. And when treating male in Lately stem cells are actively used. As you know, there are two ways to obtain stem cells: the first is when stem cells from the person himself are used. This is one thing. But the most effective, as far as I know, stem cells, which are obtained as a result of abortion, when the cells of a murdered child are taken. Which, again, is completely unacceptable.
- How to relate to the fact that some couples are trying to get a child by any means?
This is indicative of a spiritual illness. Usually, children born as a result of such a "chase after a child" very often bring parents not joy, but disappointment and pain.
Such "striving" can affect the baby, since this is a manifestation of sinful selfishness and self-will. Children, on the other hand, partially inherit state of mind parents.
-Can adoption be considered as a way out for a childless Orthodox family?
Finding someone to give him your warmth, your love is very Christian. It should be noted that many, when adopting, doubt whether they will be able to fall in love with the adopted child. I have a familiar Orthodox family. They recently adopted a baby. Moreover, they did not prepare for this at all. Everything turned out spontaneously, or rather providentially. The wife was in the hospital, saw an abandoned child and realized that she simply could not leave him there. Many people, having once visited the Baby House and seeing abandoned children, having been with them, say that it is very difficult to leave there without a child. And in the end they take the baby. If there is such a benevolent disposition, then the Lord will give his children as well. This, one might say, is an “established” fact: the majority of childless couples, who nevertheless decided to give their unspent love to a disadvantaged child, eventually give birth to their own.
- What is the spiritual help of a priest to childless families?
Many childless families come to the temple to pray that the Lord would grant a child. But at the same time, their attitude to God is often consumerist: “Lord, just give me! Be sure to give! " But then, when this one appears long-awaited child, God is often forgotten. Why does the Lord not give a child to such people at once? Because it is important that they not just beg for the child, but sort out, first of all, their relationship to God, to their neighbor. And when the inner regeneration of a person takes place (and it can only happen in the Church), then the Lord gives what was asked of Him. As a priest, I try to explain that the reasons for childlessness should be sought first of all in your soul. And always remember that there is the Providence of God.
- But many still believe that a family is meaningless without children.
Talking about what children are the only meaning Christian family is absolutely wrong. Orthodox meaning families are overcoming inner self-isolation. The family is primarily a ministry. Husband to wife and wife to husband. To everyone who comes to the Wedding, I say: “The family is a cross, a saving cross, but also difficult. One of the hardest crosses. " In Orthodoxy, despite the fact that the cross of monasticism has always been considered more noticeable, the feat of the family, the feat of inner, secret, the feat of serving each other - has never been belittled. The Apostle says about this: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself for her” (Eph. 5:25). It often happens that people are confused by the words of Scripture: "Let the wife fear her husband" (Eph. 5:33). There is such a concept - "fear of God". This is not horror before God, as before a tyrant, but, let's say, a feeling of deep inner respect and awe based on love. This or aspiring to be such should be the attitude of the wife to her husband. And what about the husband? “Husbands, treat wives with discretion, as with a weaker vessel” (1 Pet. 3: 7). Those people who are able to fulfill this fully are already saints. And thus holiness is achieved through the family, within the family. Yes, this is achievable by a few. But in any case, a family, a truly Orthodox family, is already a degree of holiness. To love a person, to serve a person - isn't that what the Lord expects of us? And let there are many temptations on this path, let not everything work out for us. Holiness is not the art of not falling. Holiness is the art of getting up.
Interviewed Maria Volosyuk
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