Voluntarily childless families. Adoption and a childless family
The wording “childless family” speaks for itself: we are talking about a family where there are no children for some reason, practically - about a family reduced to a married couple.
Childlessness can have different reasons... Thus, a spouse - or one of them - may suffer from infertility. Doctors start talking about infertility in the event that after a year (and according to some experts - even after two years), a woman in this pair has not become pregnant with regular sexual activity, or pregnancy has occurred - maybe even more than once - but each time ended in miscarriage. A woman can avoid pregnancy if it threatens her health, or even life (for example, she has heart disease or kidney disease). It so happens that natural conception impossible, and in vitro fertilization is contrary to the moral and / or religious beliefs of the spouses. One of the spouses may be a carrier of some genetic defect that can be passed on to offspring - and the danger of giving birth to a child known to be sick keeps people from giving birth. Finally, both spouses can be completely healthy - but genetically incompatible, and then, in principle, they can have children - but not from each other. In this case, people either part (which is very painful), or resort to fertilization with donor sperm (which, again, may contradict the beliefs of people) - or, again, remain childless.
In fairness, it should be noted that all the situations listed above cannot be called a verdict that is not subject to appeal. If such people really want to have children, there is a wonderful way out for them - to adopt an orphan or an abandoned child. This is hampered, on the one hand, by bureaucratic "hooks" and the position of the guardianship authorities, on the other, by numerous prejudices: many believe that in orphanages there are exclusively children with "bad heredity", from which alcoholics, drug addicts and criminals will certainly grow up. What can I say to that? An innate predisposition to alcoholism really exists - but it can be realized only if a person drinks, and it is entirely within the powers of adoptive parents to raise an aversion to drinking in an adopted son or daughter. And all the more, criminals are not born, but become - with the appropriate upbringing.
Childlessness can be determined by economic reasons: no home, low wages, etc. Often, such people consider their childlessness as a temporary phenomenon: everything will work out - then ... Alas, it may happen that it will take much longer than expected to "adjust" - and it turns out that the childbearing age has already been missed. Especially dangerous in this regard is the desire to "make a career first" - after all, career ambitions grow as they are satisfied, the "pursuit of success" can become endless.
Finally, childlessness is voluntary - people simply do not see themselves in the role of parents. Let's not condemn such people: parenting is a kind of talent, which is also not given to everyone. The main thing is that such people understand that their decision is only their decision, and do not turn into rabid "childfree" who hate other people's children and their parents ... and would not kill their own children, of course!
"Conception and birth are accomplished
not without the Providence of God; both
is God's work, God's gift "
Saint Philaret,
Metropolitan of Moscow (1783-1867)
The editorial office of the site "Orthodoxy and the World" received a letter from a childless married couple, recently living in Germany.
"We have been married for 6 years. We are churched and take communion regularly. We have no children. We visit the site, in including and yours. But when we read articles with a heading like "A child is a blessing of God," we get discouraged. After all, you begin to think: God did not bless our marriage, which means that we are complete sinners and are not worthy to have children, etc. Why, it’s not far from atheism!
For example, if a barren person reads that a child is God's blessing, then he immediately tries the situation on himself and thinks: “So God does not bless me, so I am a sinner, not worthy, bad”. And from this, without much effort, he concludes - I will not be saved!
Or a barren woman reads an article in which it is said that "a woman is saved by childbearing," and thinks: there is no salvation for me, because I cannot give birth to this child! At least she thinks so. Perhaps, to the statement "a woman is saved by childbirth" it would be necessary to add - if she is not sterile? But a sterile woman is fixated on herself and sometimes is not able to "conjecture" this truth.
Considering a situation where a man is infertile (I mean Orthodox families), then it should be noted that often a woman suffers no less than her husband, because she believes that God gave her a sterile husband as punishment for her and that it is she who is not worthy (a situation close to us). And then the mental activity begins, already far from Orthodoxy. Somehow: "Why does God give children lung women behavior, alcoholics, drug addicts? Why does He allow them to be aborted, to throw the newborns in the trash? ( frequent occurrence for Germany !!!) Paradox, but in a prosperous country, some young girls do not hesitate to kill their own child.
About adoption. For us, people in Germany, this is a very difficult task. We already wanted to do this, but I found out that we will not be allowed to adopt in Germany, for many reasons. First of all, because of low income. It is necessary that the income is at least 3 thousand euros per month. We are not getting a little.
And as for adoption abroad, i.e. in Russia or, say, in Ukraine, then in the legislation of both countries there is a clause of the article, which says that adopted foreign adoptive parents can be children to whom "their" adoptive parents have not shown interest for at least a year, i.e. Russians or Ukrainians. In practice, this means that by law we can only take a sick child. And giving bribes is a sin. We have such a fun life. "
We have asked for a comment on this letter. Archpriest Valentin Ulyakhin, teacher of the Department of Biblical Studies at PSTGU, cleric of the Trinity Church in Vishnyakovsky Lane:
In the Old Testament, we can find examples that indicate that many characters suffered from childlessness. But they, nevertheless, serve as examples of unity of will, love, fidelity in marriage. We know from the Holy Gospel, for example, that the Apostle Peter was married, because he had a mother-in-law. Although there were no children in his family, the apostle Paul did not curse his fate for being childless. All his life he was a zealot of the law and lived according to the laws of Moses.
The priest, removing the bridegroom's crown, says: "Be magnified to the bridegroom like Abraham, and bless like Isaac, and multiply like Jacob, walk in peace, and do God's commandments in righteousness." And when the priest removes the crown from the bride, he says the following words: "And you are the bride, magnified like Sarah, and rejoice like Rebekah ..."
Sarah did not have children until almost a century, and her childlessness was not considered alienated from God. We know that the greatest Russian saints Peter and Fevronia of Murom had just such a life - the life of one person, and they even died almost simultaneously, their relics lie in the same coffin. They had no children. Is this a manifestation of some kind of wickedness in relation to the Kingdom of Heaven or in relation to God's will? Of course not. The main thing is that they entered the Kingdom of Heaven.
I used to love reading catechisms. In the 80s I took them from my grandparents and read, because then it was impossible to get literature related to Christianity in atheistic stores. I was always amazed at the thought that was emphasized in any catechism: that the goal Orthodox marriage- it is also the salvation and mutual support of the husband and wife. The Lord unites souls so that a husband and wife become one person and complement each other: spiritually, mentally and materially. Husband and wife can have absolutely different tempers, but when these opposites add up as in a symbol, a statuette is formed, they make up one person who must be saved.
Moreover, in later catechisms it was said that the purpose of marriage is mutual support for the attainment of the Kingdom of Heaven. And the birth and upbringing of children is essential, but no one anywhere says that if the Lord did not give children, this closes the path to salvation.
In prayers in the sacrament of weddings and betrothal, there is relatively little, if correlated with other topics, the topic of childbearing is touched upon and a blessing is requested for childbirth, but childbirth itself becomes, as it were, subordinate to that main goal, which is called upon by the newlyweds who are getting married, this goal is to seek first the Kingdom of God, the Kingdom within you. The Kingdom of God, as the Apostle Paul writes, is not food and drink, but righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.
Every person wants to leave a trace in this life. Children are needed not only for procreation, many parents see children as an extension of themselves. But what about spouses in fruitless marriages "extended" into the future?
A person always wants to have his roots and his continuation. We are talking about our ancestors or our descendants from the point of view of the Church, from the point of view of the Kingdom of eternity. In the Church, everyone is one: the departed and those who are now living, and those who are yet to be born. The future of those who will live after us depends on the life of the spouses, on their personal cross. We are laying this future like a brick in the foundation of the house, in the foundation of the Church. The Apostle Paul says that on the basis of the life of the martyrs, on the basis of the life of the monks and saints, the Church is built, and Christ is the cornerstone.
What is Foundation stone? This is not the stone that lies in the foundation. The apostolic foundation is the saints, the martyrs, and the cornerstone is the keystone that holds the entire vault from the top, from the ceiling to the floor. This stone holds the whole temple together. So childless couples can view their lives from the point of view of participation of the martyr and the Cross of the Lord.
Without the Russian martyrs, the modern Church, its transformation and restoration, renewal and reunification, would not have been possible. Everything in the life of every person is providential for the good of the common Church. The life of Orthodox people never ends with the life of a certain generation, of some people. Their life extends to everything: to the future and to eternity.
- Is it worth it to put up with childlessness or ask the Lord for children?
How many children does the Mother of God have? She spiritually gives birth to and accepts all of us in the Sacrament of Baptism. Becomes a Mother to all of us. We are all adopted and adopted by the Mother of God. Why should we doubt that there will be children in a childless marriage through the prayers of the Mother of God?
There are many cases when the mercy of God visits the spouses already in the second half of their life or in advanced years. They receive children from God and through the prayers of the Mother of God, the wife becomes a mother. This is all very real. There is no need to doubt, you just need to believe that our position corresponds to the plan of our salvation, which is created by the Lord Himself. We, having no children, take on a special mission in this world. And our mission is blessed, no less than in a family that has many children, and where more and more children are constantly being born.
Please tell me, is it worth resorting to traditional or non-traditional methods to promote conception?
We must never reject medicine. Medicine is our helper. A doctor is the one who brings us life, who works for the glory of God and gives us the opportunity to get rid of those ailments, including childlessness, which the Lord allowed. Medicine has many remedies to aid in fertility. But again, you have to study this issue yourself, try to somehow find among the diversity what is necessary and what can help.
For example, it is in the tradition of the Greek Church to grow holy vines in the bowels of the monastery. When given, grapes help conception. In medicine, all means are good, they must be used and applied, if only they are associated with help, and not with fraud.
"Just as one should not completely avoid the art of medicine, it is so inexpedient to place all our hope in it. But as we use the art of agriculture, and we ask the Lord for fruits ... so, introducing a doctor ... we do not give up hope in God" St. Basil the Great (330- 379).
"In medicine and treatment, one must surrender to the will of God. He is powerful both to instruct a doctor and to give strength to medicine." Venerable Macarius of Optina (1788-1860).
Part 2. Childlessness is a gift of God
"Two purposes for which marriage is established:
that we may live chastely, that we may become fathers;
but the foremost of these two ends is chastity. "
Saint John Chrysostom (+ 407)
- Does childlessness have its advantages?
- The mission of spouses who have no children is closer to the apostolic, martyr's and monastic exploits. The monks, the apostles and most of our saints had a solitary way of life, they monasticized and labored for the glory of God.
A lonely lifestyle, a life without children, makes it possible to open your whole soul, to devote yourself completely to God. After all, we know that caring for the hearth, for the family sometimes removes us from the Lord. Remember how the Apostle Paul wrote that he would like everyone to be like him, and he tried to live without sin, was a childless person, as you know. Moreover, he also wrote that the wife thinks about how to please her husband first of all, and the husband thinks only about how to please his wife first of all, respectively, the family and children.
Let us recall the Monk Martyr Elizabeth and her husband, Grand Duke Sergei Alexandrovich Romanov. They were also childless. Grand Duke Sergei Alexandrovich was the mayor of Moscow and built many new churches, founded charitable institutions, and opened shelters. He died at the end of the sedition of 1905. The Grand Duchess Elizabeth becomes a nun after the loss of her husband. She helped monasteries, temples, revived the best traditions in Russia. She suffered a martyrdom in Alapaevsk, is glorified as a reverend martyr
And in this case, we see that the absence of children did not at all interfere with salvation. Salvation in the deed of selfless love is one of the main Christian goals.
And children are a very essential and important condition for salvation, but their absence does not mean that one should indulge in despair. On the contrary, childlessness should be accepted as a gift from the Lord. Childless spouses have free hands and they can bring up spiritual children, accepting all children, all who require help, care, affection, and not be limited to their own blood. We have a lot of homeless children! At least helping one of them with a kind word, patting the head, smiling, feeding - isn't that a bad thing? Isn't this a feat of motherhood and fatherhood?
You do not need to be isolated only within the confines of your cozy family, your hearth, your circle. Behind this lies the limitation of our relationship to God. The family extends to the whole Church, to the small church, but within the Church of Christ's Universal Church.
The family constitutes only a cell in the general organism of Church life. The absence of children does not mean that the family is excluded from the Body of Christ - from the Church. On the contrary, she can bring great help to the Church, having free hands, free means and a free life. To do this, one must devote oneself to raising children whom the Lord Himself grants for the care of childless parents.
- Sometimes the reason for childlessness is a stormy youth. And we repent, we blame ourselves or our spouses for everything, but nothing can be done. How to forgive yourself or your spouse, spouse?
- Yes, abortion affects childbirth and often makes it impossible to give birth to a full-fledged child and even makes marriages sterile. But this does not mean that one should give up. As the Apostle Paul says: forgetting in the back, prostrate in the front, that is, do not curse fate. There is no need to blaspheme God, blame for the fact that there are no children, and yourself for the fact that you cannot bear children because of abortions. The most important thing in a relationship with God is a feeling of gratitude. It is not for nothing that the Eucharist is thanksgiving. If a person has realized and repented of his sins, received forgiveness in the sacrament of confession and repentance, he must forget everything that is associated with sin. When we all the time remember that there was a riotous life, abortions that made it impossible to have children, then we must understand that these memories are a burden that sink the family ship.If we isolate ourselves, we will certainly depart from the Lord, abandon Him ...
The life of those people who, before marriage, went through such tested as abortion, adultery, but then repented, confessed, in the sacrament of the wedding is covered with the love of God. Now they are together and must think about the future, and not about what happened. And for your neighbors to work throughout your life, working off your sin by good deeds. For this, the Lord united them together so that they are their godly living together atoned for the burden of grave sins, including abortion.
The future is in God's hands, you have to be closer to God in order to inherit this future. It all depends on the will of a person and his outlook on life and life, of course, often suffering. But did the prudent robber have fewer sins? After all, he killed, robbed people and raped, but entered into eternal life. This should be the goal: to enter into eternal life. Each of us is a robber, but we must show prudence and, "forgetting what is behind, prostrate only to the front," remembering that the remaining time is given to us in a limited way to achieve this goal, and every day may be the last. Therefore, I repeat, when such sins as abortion, life of robbery, drug addiction, alcoholism gravitate over a person, which prevent childbirth, then, having received permission from the Lord in confession in the sacrament of repentance and doing good deeds to atone for these sins, one must think about how to be together and serve God.
We must boldly renounce sin and live for righteousness. The kingdom of God is not food and drink, but righteousness and a world of joy. The life of a married couple is spiritually fruitful. Not only materially, not only at the biological level, human marriage is considered, when children are born, and when and on spiritual level children are born, even when spouses become like children for God, a kind of new birth takes place. As Nicodemus says: "Can a man enter into his mother's womb a second time and be born?"
In the sacrament of communion, we have the opportunity to be renewed and become like children. Spouses who do not have children are likened to children, and become so in character and perception. "If you are not like children, you will not inherit the kingdom of heaven." Parents become like children, and then the spouses perceive each other as a child and they try to treat each other accordingly, helping each one get rid of some sins, weaknesses, shortcomings, support and educate each other. This is how the spouses should look at each other: as if they were a naive child. It helps to relive all adversity and all past experiences and rejection from God that are left behind. Allows childless spouses to live a full family life. Spouses perceive themselves as children and before God they become like children, become children of God and loving spouses at the same time, loving son and daughter of God.
About parental duty
- Do I have to adopt children to fulfill my parental duty? What if there is no such possibility?
- You need to help your neighbors, you can serve as an example for the environment, even when there is no way to take children from orphanage or in order to adopt, a number of unattainable conditions must be met.
If for some reason the spouses cannot adopt a child, and in some cities or towns there are no street children, then they can come to their neighbors and offer help in raising children. I think many will agree that childless parents come into life. large family and helped to raise children. You just need to look for such opportunities and not sit with folded hands, waiting for someone to turn to you for help.
I remember such families in my childhood. In the 50s, there were many childless parents who invited me to their place. They tried to bring them closer, treated them to dinner, told something, showed their care and affection. When my mother went to work, they took me to their place. And I remember that when I came to my neighbors, I received everything I needed.
It all depends on the position of the spouses themselves, how they relate to their neighbors who require help, and whether they are active or simply withdrawn in their grief of childlessness, cursing their fate. You must seek and act, as the Lord tells us: "Seek and you will find! Ask and it will be given to you! With what measure you measure, the same will be measured to you," as much as you love your neighbor, so much will you be loved, including by children.
In any case, the absence of children is not a reason to declare that life is facing failure. Look around you and show love for those children who do not have love. There are so many homeless children! You just have to go out, look and find a way to bring them closer to you. And many are engaged in such activities, sometimes not even Orthodox at all, but sectarians. Including representatives of such sects, which are very far from Orthodoxy, but they go to the people and look for orphans, homeless children and abandoned children, trying to save them. Orthodox parents can do the same. Just don't wait, but go on our own. The Lord calls us to be active creative activity, to "co-operation" with God, then there will be no problems. The Lord grants children and everything necessary for salvation. But the absence of children does not mean that salvation is impossible. On the contrary, salvation is revealed in its entirety, in all possibilities for those who seek it.
- It is very difficult for families in a foreign land to find consolation when they are not around soul mates, there are not even Orthodox churches nearby.
- An interesting case happened with a childless Russian family who fled through the Far East and ended up in Southeast Asia. The husband and wife had to live in conditions far from Christianity - in a Buddhist country, now it is called Burma. They did not despair and began to go about their business. Gradually, they formed their own family of those Burmese who surrounded them and saw the good life of the spouses, their works. The former merchant went to work, helped people, built the happiness of his family and neighbors. The couple conducted missionary activities around the Burmese. They gathered a whole community around them and, taking advantage of the opportunity when an Orthodox priest arrived from China, they baptized all those around them. Thus, the first community in Burma appeared, which gradually strengthened and existed for a long time.
There are such cases: far from their homeland, people conduct missionary activities, not knowing the language, enlighten the hearts of those around them with their love and deed. In this dark world they carry the word of God. And they, being childless, have a huge family and it consists of those who use the kindness and help of spouses. This family grows due to the fact that people aspire to them as if by fire. New people come to it, they feel love and goodness and remain.
In general, now there is practically no country where there is no Orthodox Church. If there is no Russian Orthodox Church, there must be one of the fifteen local Churches. There is always a Greek Church or Balkan, Serbian, Romanian and others. For example, there are many churches in Germany and there is no need to complain that there is no word of God, the world is far from Orthodoxy. New Orthodox churches are even being built there, as in other countries. Maybe in some distant African country, where the word of God has not yet been preached to the entire people, there is no way to find the Orthodox Church. This was the case after the revolution, when many emigrants fled from Russia, fleeing the revenge of atheists, and ended up in the distant abroad. Many of them ended up where there were no churches, or where there might have been temples, but of a different denomination.
Spouses can provide huge help to the neighbors, enlightening them. When there are no children, infirmity can become great power, if from isolation to go out into the light of God and see how many people around are waiting for enlightenment. Spouses can integrate into the life of their foreign land and become lamps of Orthodoxy far from their homeland. Thus, the Lord will create spiritual children for them from the stones that are around them.
At one time in Moscow there lived a very dear person - Vadim Nikolaevich. He was childless and divorced. Even before the war, his wife left him, because he attended church, which was contrary to the policy of the party, especially since she taught a foreign language at the institute. He fearlessly stood up for the faith and was persecuted. He also had to go through the execution chamber in the Arkhangelsk prison, but the Lord saved him. He never married. The rest of his life he restored the holy springs, in particular the spring 12 km from the Trinity-Sergius Lavra. He collected many testimonies of miraculous healings from this source, and offered to build a sanatorium there. He died in 1982 at the age of eighty. Despite his such advanced age, young people were drawn to him until his death. They learned from examples from his life. He was like a talented director of a large orchestra, because he had the gift of uniting people, carrying the word of God. And he treated me like a father. I visited him every other day, because then it was difficult to find a spiritual father. He actively participated in my destiny.
After Vladimir Nikolaevich I met another elder, he died recently. Archpriest Andrew gathered a large family around him. There were 15 of us, and we all became priests. He treated us like a father, strictly, but with love. Father Andrew always said that if the Lord loves, He beats, if not, then we are unworthy children.
There are no such impassable chasms and you can always find yourself a close-minded person if you wish. We must seek and ask God
People need to try to be honest with themselves. If a married couple does not feel ready to raise children, then the spouses must decide for themselves which family option suits them. At the same time, one should not listen to the opinions of relatives, friends, neighbors and authorities in various areas of life, even the most recognized and respected ones.
We live in a time when people are realizing the benefits of childless marriage. What are they?
Children are believed to strengthen the relationship between husband and wife. This is not always the case, and sometimes with the birth of a child, the relationship simply deteriorates. In a family of two, true feelings of affection and love do not need additional "props". In such a family, they are responsible only for themselves and for a loved one. He is also treated like a beloved child. And what's wrong with that? Living for each other, people enjoy life.
Is it selfishness? Selfishness, of course. And who is not an egoist? How often children are accidental, or even simply unwanted. An unexpected pregnancy disrupts all plans, which many are not happy with. Raising children, women (who are mainly engaged in this) get tired, do not get enough sleep, get irritated. This is reflected in the children. On the street you can often meet a woman who yells at a screaming child, or even spanks him so that he finally "shut up". Many mothers believe that they have “invested” so much energy, nerves and resources into the birth and upbringing of a child that he “owes” them the grave of his life. After all, it is not uncommon when mothers reason something like that she raised a child, and, having matured, now he is obliged to take care of her.
Of course, good kids never leave their parents. But such reasoning also looks like selfishness, and even calculation. Unfortunately, even unselfish maternal love is quite rare (like any other unselfish love).
In this regard, another aspect of the relationship between spouses is important. Not every man is happy with the appearance of a child, because the wife, naturally, turns all her attention to him. This offends her husband, moreover, he often observes changes in bad side and the appearance and character of the wife, which also does not add love to her. True, we must admit that such a situation still arises in families that were not really ready for the birth of a new life. This raises the question of parental responsibility. But that is another topic.
From this point of view, one can respect the courage of a couple who honestly abandoned children, showing by this that it is not the number of children that matters (how many of them are abandoned or unhappy with their parents alive?), But the responsibility of the parents for the children. After all, parenting inevitably requires sacrifice. And if there is no inclination to sacrifice, then it is better to refuse reproduction. Man is not an animal, he can quite solve these issues from the standpoint of reason and morality.
Of course, those people who cannot imagine their family without children deserve respect and encouragement.
But those who think differently should not be judged. It happens that childless marriage is the result of an illness in one of the spouses. Then, instead of suffering from this, the spouses choose quiet life without children. Many of them do not even dare to adopt, which is also a huge responsibility.
Often a psychological problem is a conscious desire to have children in order to keep up with others, and an unwillingness on an unconscious level. If such a person has children, then they will be unhappy children, because they are unwanted.
Thus, we have lived to a civilized time, when it is possible, without regard to others, to choose your own style of family life. A childless marriage or marriage with children has both advantages and disadvantages. You just need to honestly understand what you need yourself and follow your nature.
Earlier, the people said that the house is empty if there is no children's laughter... Today the situation has changed dramatically. The statistics of childless families show that due to the worsening economic situation in some countries, the percentage of children has dropped significantly. If in the past there were 5-10 children per family, then by today's standards, three babies are already a lot.
Why women don't give birth
What are the statistics of childless families in Russia? About 20% of the country's population does not. One of the main reasons for their absence is abortion. Additional factors, due to which many married couples remain childless:
- having health problems;
- financial insolvency;
- lack of time for education due to career growth;
- psychological problems;
- maintaining the idea of child-free, which is expressed in complete absence maternal instinct.
The Russian Federation is one of the three leaders with 87 cases per 10,000 people. With such indicators, the percentage of childless families in Russia will grow. Gynecologists around the world are sounding the alarm over the increasing incidence of induced abortion.
In percentage terms, only 5% of women are truly infertile. This is affected by a genetic predisposition, diseases of the endocrine system and problems with reproductive function the body of a woman.
Of the total number of infertile women (2017):
- 36% have problems with ovulation;
- 34% - suffer from obstruction of the fallopian tubes;
- 18% have abnormalities in the size, shape or structure of the uterus. A similar problem arises as a result of improper intrauterine development;
- 12% became infertile as a result of an improperly performed abortion.
Changing values in society
Childfree ideology originated in the West and quickly spread throughout the world. Russia is no exception. The statistics of childless families show that every fifth Moscow resident refuses to have a child. If we talk about the scale of the country, then every 15 Russian woman declares her unwillingness to reproduce offspring.
Surveys are regularly conducted around the world. V North America 78% of the people surveyed believe that starting a family is natural development relationship between a man and a woman. In Europe, this opinion is shared by 61% of citizens. In Russia marriage support only 58% of participants.
As you can see, more and more people refuse to create a full-fledged family. There are already rumors that the government plans to introduce a tax on childless families. However, officials have denied such claims. Referring to the fact that the state increases the size of benefits for the birth of a child and reduces taxes for.
How many childless families are there in Russia? Until 2011, there was no demographic registration of childless couples in the country, only the birth rate of children was registered. At last count, the number of childless families is about 1.75% of the total population of the country. That is, more than 2.5 million couples suffer from infertility.
Inability to get pregnant
The birth of a child has long ceased to be the main purpose of the weaker sex. Many women of childbearing age prefer a career. The statistics of childless families show a shift in previous standards. For example, in 2002 average age women at the birth of their first child was 24 years old. In 2010, the indicator shifted to 25 years, and in large cities of Russia to 27.
However, not all married couples refuse to have a child. Quite often, women simply cannot get pregnant due to primary or secondary infertility. They all want to have children. The spread of the disease of both types in women from 20 to 44 years old:
The image below shows the percentage of women who have had a permanent partner for 5 years, but remain primarily infertile even without using contraception:
Apart from primary infertility, there is often a problem with a second pregnancy. For example, when, with a long-term partner and without using contraception for five years, a woman still cannot get pregnant.
The statistics of childless families show that in the world 2% of women aged 20 to 44 are exposed to primary infertility. Whereas secondary - 10.5% of all women of this age. The indicators from Table 2 also depend on the birth rate. The lower it is, the lower the percentage of childless families.
Existing problems
The problems of childless families usually lie in the inability or unwillingness of one of the spouses to have a child. Modern families prefer having few children. This trend is also observed among celebrities - constant tours and public life, do not leave time and energy for raising offspring.
More than half of childless families in Russia adopt a child if one of the spouses is infertile. Many childless families have problems psychological nature... It is difficult for them to accept someone else's child. While others believe that it is better to live for yourself.
Many women suffering from infertility due to an abortion in their youth are morally exhausted and do not know how to live on.
The situation in Belarus and Ukraine
In Belarus, not so long ago, a large-scale program was carried out to increase the natural increase in population (2011–2015). From January to September 2016, the country's population grew by 518 people. However, the natural loss was 1762 people. The problem stems from the fact that the death rate exceeds the birth rate. The population census in 2009 showed that the population of the country is characterized by few children. Almost 66% of families have only 1 child.
There is also a tendency here to shift the birth rate of the child to more late date... The use of contraceptives allows you to successfully implement sexual function without conceiving children. As for childlessness, there are about 16% of married couples who suffer from infertility.
In Ukraine, the number of childless families is growing rapidly. In 2008, 62.2% of childless families were registered. Many Ukrainians simply do not dare to have a child due to the unstable economic situation in the country.
Conclusion
The inability to get pregnant or the deliberate refusal to have children (childfree) leads to a decrease in the population in certain countries. The number of childless families is also increasing due to the economic situation when a family is unable to support more than 1 child. The state needs to stimulate citizens by creating appropriate conditions for the birth and upbringing of children.
Childless marriage
The article "Childless marriage" examines the psychological and physiological problems of infertility from the point of view of Russian and foreign authors. Common reasons why childless spouses cannot have children. This article will be of interest primarily to childless couples and psychologists.
The most inaccurate questions for a married couple: "When will you have a child? And why do you still have no children? And who of you cannot have children?" These and other similar questions from friends and relatives, like a knife wound to the heart childless family... In any case, a childless family hopes to give birth to their child, and sooner or later this dream will come true, sometimes even after 10 years. And if this is still not destined to come true, you can always take a baby from the orphanage, whom you can raise and love as your own.
INTRODUCTION
One of the serious problems for a married couple is the inability to have children.
The absence of children in marriage is due to various reasons. In some cases, the family deliberately does not want to have children. In others, the family wants to have children, but cannot.
The reasons may be different: both of a social nature, for example, the lack of their own living space, financial difficulties, career growth, studies at the institute, and of a psychological nature. These include the unwillingness of the spouses to become parents and be responsible for a new life, the woman's fear of pregnancy.
In other cases, spouses want to have children, but due to illness of one of the partners or sexual dysfunctions, the family is not able to have children.
Quite often, when it is impossible to have a child, the relationship between spouses gradually begins to deteriorate, which often leads to the disintegration of the family.
At the same time, it is not uncommon for one of the spouses who has been diagnosed with infertility to feel guilty and a decrease in their own self-esteem. The other spouse may feel angry. Spouses may experience frustration, hopelessness, anxiety, and distress. Recriminations begin, psychosexual disorders arise, family conflicts... This is especially acute if one of the spouses got married for a specific purpose - to have a child or to strengthen the family with the help of a child.
PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS OF CHILDLESS COUPLES
1.1. Psychological causes of infertility
InfertilityIs the inability to have offspring.
The diagnosis of "infertility", as defined by Grubyakova Yu.V. , is put by the doctor in the event that efforts to become pregnant within 2 years of constant sexual activity remain unsuccessful. If multiple attempts at a woman end in miscarriages, this is also considered a symptom of infertility.
Both women and men can be sterile.
Infertility, according to the latest data, occurs in 8% of couples, it seriously affects a man and a woman, causes depression, anxiety, lowers self-esteem, increases guilt and shame (more manifested in women), negatively affects conjugal relationship, especially sexy ones. Infertility leads to a rethinking of life plans and social roles.
On the other hand, writes K. Horney, we observe a tendency to attribute too great importance to psychogenic factors. Supporters of this point of view tend to see in them the main source of not only more or less obvious functional disorders such as imaginary pregnancy, vaginismus, frigidity, menstrual disorders; in addition, they state that there is reason to admit psychological impact a source of such diseases and disorders as premature or delayed labor, infertility, etc.
The number of late marriages and, accordingly, late marriages is increasing. fraught with consequences for the life of children, births (after the age of 35 at least one of the spouses, the likelihood of a child's deviations increases sharply).
According to WHO, the cause of infertile marriage in 40-50% of cases is pathology reproductive system equally, both men and women, and in 5-10% - pathology is detected in both spouses.
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Weiyuan Cui writes in the article that many infertile women in developing countries believe that without children, their lives will be hopeless. Women in Uganda are not accepted by society if they have no children. Dr Sheryl Vanderpoel, Department of reproductive health and Research, World Health Organization (WHO), notes that “Ectopic pregnancy can lead to infertility, but the most common causes include tubal obstruction due to infection reproductive organs often sexually transmitted, postpartum complications or unsafe abortion. " As many as 15% of all couples suffer from infertility reproductive age in the world. WHO demographic studies in 2004 showed that in sub-Saharan Africa, more than 30% of women aged 25-49 suffer from secondary infertility - the inability to become pregnant after their first pregnancy. ¨ In about 50% of cases, male infertility is the cause of a couple's inability to reproduce, and the social burden “falls disproportionately on women,” said Dr Mahmoud Fathalla, former director of the Special scientific research, development and training of specialists in the field of human reproduction research, based at WHO. “When a couple is incapable of reproduction, a man can divorce his wife or bring another wife if their culture allows polygamy,” he says. Vanderpoel believes that “in some countries, stigma can be extreme when infertile people are viewed as a burden on the socio-economic well-being of the community. their family will not continue and contribute to their community. This exacerbates the guilt and shame that a barren person experiences, "she says.
Rita Sembuya, founder of the Joyce Fertility Center in Uganda, says despair and excruciating pain are felt by all women who come to her center. "According to the requirements of our culture, in order to be accepted by society, a woman must have at least one biological child, Says Sembuya. - Almost all African cultures impart special meaning women giving birth to children ... a marriage without children is seen as the failure of two people. " Uganda is one of the countries of the "African infertility belt". The region is experiencing the phenomenon of "infertility among the multitude", meaning that infertility is often most prevalent where fertility rates are also high. Completely with the article "To become a mother at all costs: the pangs of infertility" you can find on the portal The World Organization Health care. |
Deliberately childless marriage and forced childless marriage
A family is considered childless. when the spouses have not had children for 8-10 years.
LB Schneider divides childless marriage into two types:
1. Consciously childless marriage;
2. Forced childless marriage.
Deliberately childless marriage
Consciously childless marriage, according to L.B.Schneider's definition, is when healthy young people may, but do not want to have children.
Modern marriage is increasingly focused on meeting the needs for intimate and informal communication.
From the point of view of LB Schneider, one should distinguish the need of the individual himself for children, and the intra-family (joint - husband and wife) need for children.
Researchers of negative motivation (directed against children) have found that among the reasons preventing the birth of the first child, only four are relevant: for women - the desire to live “for themselves” and the unsettled relationship with her husband. Men, on the other hand, say that they "did not have time", or explain the absence of children by financial difficulties. In addition to the above, may be added physiological reasons(pregnancy does not occur, poor health). Another motive equally used by men and women is unsatisfactory living conditions - a reason that turned out to be associated with general dissatisfaction with marriage.
R. Richardson states (quoted from): “When the only children form a married couple, they often decide not to have children.
Authors on family psychology: Eidemiller E.G., Dobryakov I.V., Nikolskaya I.M. believe that there are several motives that men and women are guided by when consciously deciding to conceive a child, but only one of them is the main one. Moreover, the motives of a woman and a man can be different. There are constructive motives that help strengthen the family, personal growth spouses, happy birth and child development, and destructive, counterproductive.
In case of abandonment of children, writes L.B. Schneider. , a married couple demonstrates not their limited need for children, but their desire to satisfy some other socio-psychological needs.
In addition, the birth of a child is an act of acceptance by the parents (father and mother jointly) of all responsibility for his fate. Not every modern married couple takes on this responsibility. Not every married couple (husband and wife) is psychologically ready to bear and raise children.
The ideology of childless families, according to L.B. Schneider, is based on the following reasoning:
- children interfere with marital relations;
- children interfere with social activity.
At the same time, such childless families, especially women, experience condemnation from others when they are told that it is impossible without children.
Forced childless marriage
Compelled childless marriage, from the point of view of Schneider L.B. , associated with poor health of one of the spouses, infertility, miscarriage, trauma, etc.
One of the causes of male and female infertility is stress.
O. Lineva and V. Pavlov, referring to the definition of WHO, write, “marriage is considered sterile, in which, despite the regular sex life without application contraception, the wife does not get pregnant during the year, provided that the spouses are of childbearing age. "
Grubyakova Yu.V. claims that experts can diagnose 23 causes of infertility in women and more than 15 in men. In her opinion, almost every 2nd married couple has several reasons that prevent conception. One of the causes of infertility is the psychological factor.
T. Pozdeeva believes that psychological infertility is a kind of protection against any negative factor... In this regard, there are three groups of infertile women.
In the first - psychological infertility can pass during the examination, when a woman is convinced that she is healthy and capable of having children.
In the second group, infertility is caused by some social factors. For example, a couple does not have their own home. Or one of the spouses is passionate about a career. This motivation interrupts the desire to conceive.
The third group - deep psychological trauma childhood. This can include rape and the fact that a woman appeared as a result of an unwanted pregnancy.
The author traces the connection between the unwanted pregnancy of the mother with psychological infertility her daughter during her childbearing period. An unwanted child, in her opinion, has latent or explicit aggression towards his mother. Such a baby is born with a sense of uselessness and guilt. Even in utero, he felt that he was not wanted and loved.
Experienced negative emotions the girl subsequently transfers to herself, is afraid to give birth, because she can also hate her children.
Grace Craig and Don Bockum write that in the United States, about 50% of pregnancies are unplanned. The news of pregnancy is often not received with joy, but with horror, since it occurs at an inconvenient time. This is due to the interruption of work, career, study, pleasant pastime and causes tightness in material resources. Sometimes a mother-to-be imagines her child to be physically abnormal, weak or terrible, or one that will one day bring great grief and harm to the whole family. Fathers-to-be sometimes think so.
Grubyakova Yu.V. believes that in order to find out the causes of infertility they have essential information about the nature of sexual function (the presence of libido, orgasm, etc.). Currently no unanimous opinion on the role of sexual life in the development of female infertility. It is known that pregnancy can occur in frigid women... However, if we consider libido and especially orgasm as a trigger mechanism for activating the reproductive system, then we can assume that their change may be the cause of infertility.
Franz Alexander argued that frigidity, unlike impotence, is not an obstacle to reproductive function. A woman can have any form and degree of frigidity, and at the same time, many women have children and become good mothers without ever having an orgasm. However, frigidity and impotence, if it is due to emotional factors, can be corrected with the help of hypnotherapy. This uses hypnoanalysis.
According to research conducted by Karen Horney, some women suffer from frigidity, the roots of which stretch back to childhood and are associated with the relationship with the mother. In each case of frigidity, others were mixed with it. mental factors that can affect functional disorders.
First of all, we are talking about fears about masturbation, which can affect both mental attitudes and bodily processes. A particular form they often take in women is the fear that their genitals are physically damaged by masturbation.
Horney further informs us that "fears can take this form: if I hurt myself, I can never have a child." Horney's patients often said that having children seemed to be their business, disgusting and they are never going to have them.
For other women, pregnancy is special form satisfaction. For them, it is not so much the idea of having a baby, nursing and caressing him that is important, but the idea of pregnancy itself, the idea of carrying a baby in your body.
A number of women have a fear of dying during childbirth.
Psychoanalytic studies of pregnancy disorders show that fear of pregnancy or hostile impulses to the child can act by suppressing hormonal processes that ensure pregnancy, provoking an unconscious abortion, in other cases, vomiting or anorexia nervosa develops. As Alexander F. writes, even when pregnancy develops normally, a woman may experience panic, which is rationalized by ideas of harm caused by a growing fetus inside the body, or by fear of death during childbirth; panic can be exacerbated by suicidal or aggressive impulses towards the child. The woman may develop phobic reactions or depression, or she may regress to severe schizophrenic psychosis ("postpartum psychosis"). In some cases, as Alexander points out, termination of pregnancy or childbirth can lead to symptomatic recovery.
Myers D. writes that in the 60s of the last century in laboratory conditions scientists have conducted research and filmed more than 10,000 sexual "cycles" of volunteers who agreed to participate in the research. William Masters and Virginia Johnson scientifically observed muscle contractions throughout the body during orgasm in test couples. After lengthy research, they concluded that arousal and orgasm in a woman promotes fertilization by helping to propel the male sperm into the uterus for sperm production. An orgasm in a woman, therefore, not only enhances sexual intercourse, which is essential for natural reproduction, but also increases the flow of secreted sperm.
Doctors have long known the fact that strong experiences can upset the work of the reproductive system up to its complete stop.
There is such a thing as stress ovarian dysfunction, psychogenic infertility. When a woman who is in constant stress cannot conceive a child. And it doesn't matter what this tension is connected with. This can be workload and workload, worries about loved ones. And even a great desire to have a child can also cause stress. The realization of her own childlessness and inferiority in itself is a powerful stress for a woman. Under the influence of severe stress, the mobility of the fallopian tubes decreases, changes occur in the ovaries and cervix. The higher centers of the brain are also affected, which provokes hormonal changes that dramatically reduce the likelihood of conception.
Psychotherapist V. Sinelnikov puts forward his hypothesis of infertility. He believes that “if a woman has infertility, it means that in her subconscious there is such behavior that destroys the soul of the unborn child. In the subconscious of infertile woman there is a program for the destruction of children ”.
Another reason for infertility, according to the author, may be a strong subconscious aggression directed against men. This can be a strong resentment, jealousy, hatred, contempt. Fear and resistance to the life process, uncertainty about the future can also be the cause of infertility. As long as there is no readiness in the subconscious for the appearance of a child, there will be problems with fertilization. And sometimes one of the reasons is the fear of becoming ugly, unattractive, ruining the figure and shape of the chest.
There are a number of factors that cause infertility:
1. immature, sensitive, picky women, childishly capricious;
2. aggressively dominant women who do not agree to admit their femininity;
3. motherlike - that is, those who feel that they are not able to copy their husband in children and therefore endure their maternal instinct to take care of him;
4. women who have dedicated their lives to ideological or other emotional interests.
E.S. Ford (quoted by), after psychoanalytic discussions with a group of infertile women, came to the conclusion that none of the infertile women really wants to have children. In his opinion, everyone has a conscious desire to become pregnant due to neurotic motives. In addition, most of them are distinguished by a hostile attitude towards their own mother, or aggressively imitate the role of a man.
Even before conception, only when planning childbirth, the family often needs the consultation of a psychologist.
The desire to have a child can arise in connection with various motives. They can be constructive and destructive. Destructive motives can impede the carrying of a child.
As N.N. Posysoev writes. , only in 6% of pregnant women, scientists have identified a mature motivation for the birth of a child. This kind of motivation is characterized by the fact that the child is of independent value to the mother. In other cases, pregnancy was determined by other motives.
Among them, the following motives can be distinguished:
Pregnancy from a loved one, i.e. love for a child is seen as an extension of love for his father.
Pregnancy for the sake of meeting social expectations.
Pregnancy for the sake of maintaining a relationship.
Pregnancy as a protest, for example, to spite parents, a man.
Pregnancy as a rejection of the past.
Pregnancy as an escape from the present is an escape from the growing mental stress associated with an unbearable reality.
Pregnancy for your own health, so as not to harm yourself with an abortion.
Self-affirmation through pregnancy.
According to Berne (quoted from), "the situation of a person's conception can strongly influence his fate." He suggested calling the actual situation of conception a "rudimentary attitude." The attitude towards the intimate life of men and women is reflected in their attitude towards the child.
After conducting a study of the scientific literature in the field of childless marriage, the following conclusions can be drawn:
- Childless marriage can be forced and deliberate.
- A deliberately childless marriage is usually associated with social reasons or when the spouses want to live for themselves.
- Forced childless marriage is a consequence of a number of psychological reasons or weak motivation to have children. Often psychological reasons spouses are not aware of infertility.
1.2. PHYSIOLOGICAL PROBLEMS OF INFERTILITY
From the point of view of Tatyana Pozdeeva, a psychotherapist at the Family Planning and Reproduction Center, the problems of infertility can be not only psychological, but also physiological in nature.
In marriage, men are unable to produce offspring in 40% of cases. With male infertility, the situation in the family can be more tense, because it is much more difficult to cure.
From the point of view of Grubyakova Yu.V. , the cause of male infertility is congenital or acquired endocrine disorders, infectious diseases carried in childhood, sexually transmitted diseases.
The main causes of female infertility are also a variety of disorders in the body. The cause of primary infertility is most often organic changes in the genital organs, endocrine disorders, the consequences of abortion, sexually transmitted diseases.
Forced childless marriage is a strong test for both spouses. Many scientists attribute stress as the cause of infertility 5%.
A married couple, having learned about the impossibility of having children by medical indications, is experiencing severe shock.
As noted, Eidemiller E.G. , childlessness for a woman who married only to have a child in marriage, and then discovered that her husband cannot have children, will lead to more disastrous results than for a woman who married for love.
Scientists, investigating the psychological factors of infertility, drew attention to a certain cycle of experiences.
So, Svyatskevich I.Yu. , writes in his dissertation: “ emotional condition spouses in sterile marriages change over time and go through a number of stages:
- surprise / shock
- negation
- anger
- insulation
- guilt
- grief / depression
- acceptance / adaptation.
The same emotional state is characteristic of the death of a loved one or the experience of loss during divorce.
R. Kociunas, gives the same scheme of emotional experiences when describing the process of grief, using the model K Ross ubler. It involves the alternation of stages:
- negation;
- anger;
- compromise;
- depression;
- adaptation.
In some cases, the survivors feel guilty about the deceased or deceased person. The same feelings can be experienced by a woman who has had an abortion or lost a child during pregnancy.
In a divorce, spouses go through the same stages: denial, anger, negotiation, adaptation.
Svyatskevich I.Yu. , in the scientific work "Socio-psychological aspects of self-perception and self-esteem of women in infertile marriage", based on the research of Russian and foreign authors, describes psychological consequences infertility.
These include:
- decreased self-esteem, self-esteem of the individual;
- changes in marital relationships and marital satisfaction;
- changes in the sexual sphere;
- pregnancy expectation syndrome.
A childless couple experiences strong emotional reactions:
- grief / depression;
- frustration;
- shame, embarrassment;
- guilt;
- sadness;
- anxiety.
In women, psychological disorders are possible:
- phobias;
- obsessive thoughts;
- hysterical symptoms;
In rare cases, schizoid symptoms.
A childless couple, after repeated attempts to conceive a child, faced with a number of problems, comes for a consultation with a psychologist.
The psychologist clarifies the problems of the couple, and then, in accordance with the presented problem, builds up the counseling process, working out with the family further steps to solve the problem.
If infertility was associated with psychological factors, which led to family and sexual disharmony, then you should think about restoring sexual harmony and take appropriate steps.
Relieving stress using relaxation techniques during sexual contacts, will allow the spouses to relax and in the future there is a chance to conceive a child.
If it is impossible to conceive a child for medical reasons, then together with married couple there are several options to consider:
1. Adjustment of life goals;
2. Adoption of a child.
Thus, based on the research carried out by domestic and foreign scientists, a number of conclusions can be drawn:
- One of the reasons for infertility is associated with psychological factors, in the absence of any physiological diseases;
- In some cases, spouses do not see the connection between infertility and psychological factors;
- Awareness of this relationship is possible only in consultation with an experienced psychologist-consultant;
- The inability to have children affects the relationship between spouses, leading in some cases to sexual dysfunction, which together often leads to divorce.
WAYS TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM
When counseling a married couple, there are three main tasks to solve:
1. determine what the problem is;
2. identify the state that the husband and wife want to achieve, and choose the direction of change (what to do? In which direction to move?);
3. help the spouses get there (how to do it?).
4. Find out the true desire of a woman ... Why does she want to give birth to a child. Does she really want to have a baby or does she need it in order to:
Keep a husband or loved one in a civil marriage;
To be the same woman as others who have children, because that's the way it is;
To be needed by someone, to take care of someone;
Give birth to a child and get away from loneliness, etc.
Psychological problem , according to T. V. Rumyantseva, is a manifestation of a person's subjective reality, a reflection of the peculiarities of his inner picture of the world, something that causes anxiety, psychological discomfort or suffering.
« Problem, from the point of view of S.V. Petrushin. (quoted by), - this is not what happens to a person, but how he relates to it... The psychological problem lies not in the situation, but in the way a person perceives it. "
As a rule, the psychological problem is not fully realized by the client and is associated with some kind of unsatisfied (often forbidden) desire or with difficulties in finding the most acceptable ways to satisfy it.
According to G.S. Abramova (quoted by), the client expresses the various content of the problem in this way:
- "I want to but I can not" ,
- "I'm not like everyone else"
- “I feel, but I don’t know,” etc.
According to the figurative representation of S.V. Petrushin (quoted by), one can speak of the “two-layer nature of the problem. Desires are meant by layers of a psychological problem, therefore, at least two desires can be distinguished in each problem. The first wish is “ Want"Is realized by a person, but since a person cannot fulfill it, it means that we can assume the existence of another unconscious desire -" So that nothing changes". Therefore, working on a client's problem, the consultant discovers a clash of several of his desires: “constructive” and reflects the desire for change, and “destructive”, which reflects the fear of change and maintains the existing state of affairs.
From the point of view of E. V. Emelyanova, making a decision means making a choice from several possibilities. And there is always a choice. At least a person has two options in each of three possibilities:
1. leave everything as it is, or change something;
2. change your behavior, habits, attitudes, attitudes or change the circumstances in which the problem arose;
3. if you cannot change the circumstances, then you can change the attitude towards the circumstances, that is, accept them:
- as a necessary given,
- as a lesson to be taken
- as a catalyst for intrapersonal resources and capabilities,
- as something positive, which is contained in what is still perceived as negative.
Problems that often arise in a childless couple:
- strong motivation to have children;
- sexual problems, dissatisfaction of one of the spouses with the other in this area and their mutual inability to establish normal sexual relations;
- lack of warmth in the relationship of spouses, lack of intimacy and trust, communication problems;
- acceptance of the fact that it is impossible to have children for medical reasons and, as a consequence, a change in life goals;
- steps taken to adopt a child.
An intense desire to have children can be associated with sexual dysfunction. Sex turns from pleasure to work, because the couple tries to engage in sexual intercourse only when it is required for conceiving a child, while not experiencing emotional outbursts.
A neurotic desire to have children in one or both of the marriage partners can lead to sterility and, as a result of interaction between the spouses, ultimately suppress the ability to reproduce.
Constant tests and other medical measures reduce libido and increase bodily tension. This cycle repeats from month to month. Faith - hope - expectation - disappointment. This cycle can be called an unfinished gestalt.
From the point of view of F. Perls, the most interesting and important property gestalt is its dynamics - the need for a strong gestalt to complete. The best name for an unfinished gestalt is an unfinished situation. One of the simplest examples of an unfinished situation is illness. The disease can end with recovery, death or restructuring of the body.
If a person is almost blind, the author writes, he will apply huge effort to maintain or improve what is left of his vision. The situation is constantly left unfinished. He is more and more absorbed in it.
Once he becomes completely blind, the situation usually changes dramatically. He gets used to the idea of futility and hope.
In the eyes of those close to him, he looks like a cripple, but he himself becomes different. He is now an organism without eyes. Changes to the relevant content, Perls believes, are for the better.
The same can be said for childless couples. A woman constantly wants to get pregnant. He makes great efforts at a psychological level. Hopes and waits. For her, this is also an unfinished situation. But when she understands for sure that it is not given to her to give birth to a child, then the situation ends.
Malkina-Pykh mentions an unfinished gestalt and resentment [35]. So in one of the studies carried out using the genogram (Rudina, 2003), certain patterns of behavior were identified in women who cannot bear a child.
First, this is the so-called "uncompleted action (interruption)" pattern. Studies have shown that this pattern is repeated in the history of one family when it is impossible to carry. This is the "interruption" model, when a person starts any business and does not finish it, which can be seen when examining the genogram for several generations of the family. Business starts and does not end, the same happens with pregnancy. This is an incomplete "gestalt", ie. an unfinished cycle of actions that leads to anxiety and dissatisfaction.
Second, there is another pattern of "unforgiven injustice" that occurs in the history of a woman with a complicated pregnancy. The presence of resentment can lead to somatic consequences.
To reveal true desires and the causes of psychological infertility allow the methods of NLP and hypnoanalysis. In addition, you can use metaphorical photo cards in family counseling (author Loginova O.I.).
IF THE SPOUSES DECIDE TO ADOPT A CHILD
One of important steps in adoption counseling, this is the provision of information to the spouses. The counselor expresses his opinion, answers the questions of the childless couple and informs them about various aspects of the problem under discussion. Providing information in counseling is sometimes very important, as clients often ask questions that hide the clients' anxiety about their future.
SA Vekilova writes that the relationship of adoption is psychologically complex. The adoptive parents are spouses who are unable to have children due to infertility. The parental motivation of such a couple must be very strong. But despite strong motivation, some adoptive parents, faced with certain difficulties in dealing with adopted children, abandon these children, which leads to great psychological trauma for both the adopted children and the adoptive parents.
When talking with a childless couple, first of all, you need to find out the strength of the motivation for adoption.
Conduct a conversation with the spouses and tell what difficulties you may encounter when raising an adopted child.
Discuss when or not to tell the child about adoption. If we speak, then at what age it is advisable to do it. How to present this to a child so as not to cause mental trauma.
D. Winnicott believes that the adopted child should be told the truth about adoption as early as possible. The main reason is that sooner or later, children will find out the truth themselves. The worst thing for a foster child is unexpected news from strangers.
From the point of view of D. Winnicott, each family should choose its own way of how to communicate this news. It can be preparing a child through a fairy tale, or a story that is similar to a child's story. Or draw the child's attention to the fact that other families also have adopted children.
One of the basic rules: the message must be gradual.
As the scientist writes, often parents are disappointed only because they were not warned from the very beginning about the possible difficulties in raising a foster child.
But what is most surprising, there are cases when a woman becomes capable of childbearing after the adoption of a child. As Alexander writes, it seems that after a woman has been able to adopt a child and "practice" her motherhood, her anxiety diminishes, which allows her to conceive a child.
CONCLUSION
Having studied the scientific literature of domestic and foreign authors on the issue: “ Psychological problems childless couples and physiological problems of infertility ”, we can conclude:
1. A literature review showed that at the level of consciousness childless spouses want to have children, but at an unconscious level they do not want this for one reason or another.
2. The reasons underlying the unconscious should be worked out by the spouses together with a counseling psychologist.
3. With the syndrome of "expectation of pregnancy" there is a psychological and physical stress, which reduces the likelihood of conceiving a child.
4. Each person has internal resources that can be identified with the help of a counselor psychologist and used to solve the problem.
Thus, the tasks of a counselor psychologist are as follows:
1. Revealing the true problem of the client and help in its realization;
2. Helping spouses to adjust goals;
3. Prescribing steps to achieve the goal;
4. If it is impossible to conceive a child for medical reasons and when the spouses decide to adopt a child the best way inform them about all the difficulties associated with this issue;
5. In case of psychological and physiological stress of a married couple, teach relaxation techniques.
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