Smart, beautiful, sociable, young, but lonely - why is that? I'm beautiful and smart - but somehow lonely

Young, beautiful, intelligent, sociable, smart and attractive - this is how some women can describe themselves. Despite such good qualities, in their 30s they are already in complete and deep despair. The question gnaws at them: why are they so unlucky with young people?
Complete loneliness is a disaster. Why are things like this? After all, they have been incredibly successful recently. And living in friendly family They experienced the affection and care of their parents. They were interesting women even participated in beauty pageants. Yes, and there was a family, but everything did not work out very well - a divorce.

After some time, women realize that something is going wrong. They are simply sure that now they will not find a smart, reliable, strong man who would like to marry. They have not been going to bars or nightclubs for a long time, and no one is in a hurry to invite women like them - sociable, smart, beautiful. Marriage Agency? No, it's not for them, and it's risky. What should they do, where should they go? Women are sure - they are melting before our eyes.

Full despair, apparently, appears in such women some time after the divorce. Failures with men, when trying to make new, promising acquaintances, turned the desire for marriage into a fixed idea. She became the main thing for them and too much of a priority.
You can't change your secret desire into an obsession. What is this self-flagellation? What "melting" or despair are we talking about? You can’t give up so quickly, arguing that “they are unlikely to be able to find a man who would want to marry them.”

Most likely, the experience of the first marriage was so painful that women began to look at the world through black glasses.
Or maybe it's all about the father, who incredibly cherished, loved and even spoiled them? After such great attitude, it becomes clear to women that they are unlikely to find someone very similar to their father.
One way or another, there is no point in over-dramatizing the situation. Women simply do not want to notice their rich "dowry": you are still quite young, beautiful, smart and socially successful. Your immediate environment is loving and dear people. Therefore, you have many chances to meet your dream man.
The main rule is to change your attitude towards yourself and the current situation. Such reasoning of women causes fear and self-doubt: no one invites guests, and it is scary to go to marriage agencies. But many give marriage announcements, get to know each other and get married quite successfully. And, in general, is it worth waiting until someone deigns to invite you to visit?

O organize yourself, at least a small party with best friends. There is none of them? Here, perhaps, it is worth considering: why are there no friends? Most likely, such women are too immersed in their far-fetched problems, scaring away their friends, and even those who would like to make friends with them.
Or maybe the problem itself is formed incorrectly? Why is it directed only in one direction - marriage? Maybe we should try to turn things a little in a different direction. For example, how do you like this: "I really want to fall in love" or "I really want to have a loved one nearby."

Woman, looking for love, and a woman who wants to get married are two different women. The first of them attracts men, because that's exactly what it was before. The second one scares her away with her desperation, passionately wanting to get not a man, but a stamp in her passport. Therefore, stop evaluating yourself only as a potential wife.
Expand your circle of acquaintances. Do not think that they can only be found in nightclubs or bars. People can be found by new interests. Add a little adventurism and frivolity to your boring life, but only in good sense. And soon you can be sure that everything will change for the better.

Quite often one hears about how unfairly life treated many people. worthy girls, dividing the successful and handsome men between ordinary-looking and narrow-minded young ladies, leaving their brighter compatriots with a nose. How to explain the ratio of such interest and its absence to different categories girls in males? Indeed, beautiful, smart, but lonely ... Why?

Reason number 1 - the level of claims. Naturally, each of us would like to have, if not an Arab emir, then at least some domestic financial director a large company, or at worst the owner of a successful business. However, let's really and honestly compare our capabilities with the needs of the emirs - it turns out that every third girl has a subjective level of claims. Of course, the story with Cinderella shows the opposite, but there are only a few such stories, and even then half of them are epic.

Reason number 2 - excessive demands on a man. It often happens that since childhood, the girl's parents begin to form the image of her future life partner, prescribing mandatory virtues and benefactors with a red line. The image takes root in the mind and after many years, when choosing a partner, a woman will focus not on real applicants, but on that fictional man imposed by her parents. However, ideal people can be bred so far only through genetic experiments and selection, and in nature, individuals consisting entirely of positive properties, does not exist. Starting to meet with another man, she will certainly become disappointed in him, and in relationships in general, which, by the way, will also leave its mark in the future. Thus every time is doomed to failure.

Reason number 3 - you do not strive for a long-term relationship. Among the underlying causes of this phenomenon, one can find various fears, phobias, addictions, etc. This can be expressed both explicitly and implicitly, when, for example, a girl constantly chooses the “wrong” guys for herself: too young, too old, married, those who themselves are not aimed at the family, that is, the category of men with whom it is obviously impossible to build promising relationships. To understand why a person runs away from marriage, family, at least honest conversation With myself. But the result of such fear can be a subconscious withdrawal from all matrimonial plans in personal life.

Reason number 4 - obvious internal, that is, your behavior. Analyze your image and style of communication with young people. If you are a vamp, you certainly have enough fans. But most likely these boyfriends are not eager to take your relationship to another level, considering, based on your behavior, that for family life you are not fit. No matter how beautiful or skillful such a girl is in bed, most likely the man will not want to introduce her to all her relatives at a family dinner. And even if such behavior is feigned, and under it modesty and other Christian virtues are hidden, a certain impression has already been formed about you. And it will be quite problematic to convince and compose another.

Reason number 5 - the obvious external, or the actual appearance of the girl. You can cherish a variety of personality traits in yourself, broaden your horizons, help those in need, etc., but if a man sees a flaw in your appearance, then the advantage will immediately go to a brighter rival. He does not perceive female appearance individually, your whole image as a whole is important to him. Therefore, having the most mediocre external data, some girls can win the hearts of written beauties.

Analyze the reasons that prevent you from building strong and promising relationships, work to eliminate them and be open to new acquaintances.

Beautiful, smart, but lonely - according to statistics, about 45% of women in our country fall under this definition today. Why? What prevents us from building a family or a stable relationship? Main reasons female loneliness the author of "Lady Mail.Ru" discussed with psychologists.

Most of the causes of female loneliness are associated with psychological blocks.

If you ask the same questions to sociologists, the answer will most likely be one, related to the difficult demographic situation, and it will sound almost like a line from a song about “ten girls and nine guys”: according to the last census, men in our country are about 10 million fewer than women. It is logical that in such conditions, a couple may not be enough for someone.

Psychologists, when answering similar questions, usually turn out to be less specific and categorical, talking about a whole range of reasons for female loneliness. “First of all, here we can talk about internal difficulties: traumas from childhood, failed relationship, closeness, complexes, fear of change, self-doubt, generic attitudes and other subconscious blocks,- says psychologist Anna Baranova.

The matter is further complicated by the fact that these blocks push us to the same mistakes - at the stage of choosing a partner, dating, developing relationships, etc. There is two more news: the bad news is that most of these blocks are hidden. And the good news is that almost all of them are editable. So what's stopping us from building strong relationships?

1. Influence of parents

It can be expressed in different ways: these are childhood traumas, and an attempt to copy the behavior of parents, and following their attitudes. One of important indicators, psychologists say, is the relationship of a girl with her father. “If, say, he paid insufficient attention to his daughter, then, having matured, she, most likely, will create dependent relationship. If the father was rude and cruel - towards her or towards her mother - she will have difficulty with trust in men», Anna Baranova warns.

Another example is given by clinical psychologist Olesya Bykova: “Very often, the daughters of infantile fathers are disrespectful to men in general, not recognizing the authority of the stronger sex, this hinders the search for a partner.”

The reasons for female loneliness can also be the philosophy of life and attitudes transmitted by parents. For example, if a mother, grandmother or aunts in the family often repeated something from the series “not a man, but a rag!”, “you will give birth and you will not need anyone”, it is quite logical that, having learned them in childhood, a girl and adult life on subconscious level will follow them: dominate relationships or avoid serious relationships.

What to do: analyze your relationship with your parents, especially with your father. “Think about what kind of person he was, how he treated you, how you perceived him, how this could affect the prevailing in your head the image of a man», - recommends Olesya Bykova. It will also be useful to analyze the model of behavior of women in the family. This will help you separate the behaviors and attitudes they impose from your own beliefs.

2. Increased "masculinity"

Modern women can do almost everything that 50-60 years ago was considered typical male skills - from minor household repairs to management big company. And although more than one hundred articles and books have been written about lost femininity today, this problem still does not receive a solution. Very often, tough, demanding, decisive and super-independent ladies simply do not leave their companions a chance to show masculine qualities, so partners in the "best" case show feminine qualities and at worst they leave.

Don't want to be alone? Feel free to ask men for help

What to do: First, do not confuse femininity with weakness. The first is moral flexibility and the ability to seek compromises, the second is outright helplessness. Secondly, to develop in yourself all manifestations of femininity - both external and internal.

3. Wrong expectations

Moreover, both overestimated and underestimated ones turn out to be equally destructive for relations. “In the first case, we are dealing with illusions about the “prince on a white horse.” In the second - with those cases when smart and Beatiful lady chooses a man without education as a companion, hoping that she will "raise" him. But the truth is that all this remains just hope: all attempts to re-educate and “pull up” a partner usually end in failure, ”- says Anna Baranova.

What to do: be realistic and remember that like attracts like. Do you dream of a wealthy and successful chosen one? So, it’s time to become like that yourself - well-groomed, erudite, able to keep up the conversation, etc.

4. Errors in behavior

One of the main ones is an excessive desire to meet “the one” as soon as possible. Olesya Bykova discusses this in more detail: “This happens when it is unpleasant for a woman to be alone, perhaps she is afraid of condemnation from society. Therefore, he literally rushes about in hysterics from the desire to meet and “hook” someone. Such excessive initiative is instantly read by men, it repels them.

The other extreme is total dislike for oneself. The way we feel and evaluate ourselves is felt by those around us. Therefore, for example, women who mentally label themselves as “victim” are more likely to experience domestic violence than others. “If we do not accept ourselves, then unconsciously we do not allow someone else to love us. And if we are not sure of our own worth, then how can a man from the outside be able to see it in us?- asks Olesya Bykova.

What to do: to begin with, reconsider your attitude to loneliness, learn to accept it and enjoy yourself. “It is important to become interesting first of all for yourself and understand why you are special, to realize your value. Traveling and all those activities that bring you joy, new impressions and experiences will help to do this.- advises Olesya Bykova.

5. Relationship imbalance

Any relationship (not only in a couple) is built on the mutual exchange of energy and resources (or the “take-give” balance), and any violation of it most often leads to unpleasant consequences. How - explains Anna Baranova: “If a woman gives too much without getting anything in return, then at some point she becomes devastated and burdened by relationships, which leads to a break. Or, on the contrary, it takes a lot of the partner’s resources, which at some point starts to repel the man, which also leads to parting..

What to do: analyze your previous relationships to understand if you have a tendency to upset this balance, and in which direction the “skew” usually occurs. Do you strive for independence and require sacrifices from your partner? Or, on the contrary, are they ready to almost dissolve in the chosen one, giving up their own hobbies and affections?

To restore balance in alliances with partners, psychologists recommend learning how to rebuild this balance in any relationship. You can start with friends or family, offering help to loved ones (if you notice that you usually “take” a lot) or refusing unnecessary obligations.

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“I am in demand, active, purposeful and successful. I almost never feel sad, but very often I feel bored, hurt and sad. Yes, there are moments when I stay awake at night and imagine how He could change my life. Morning comes and I put on a pound again foundation under my eyes and with a flying gait I rush to work. While I'm running along the road, I look at myself in the shop windows - well, really "beauty". I accept compliments from passers-by men, and here I am at work ...

This is a place where I am completely proud of myself, I feel at ease, because I am really smart and beautiful. I am a fully self-actualized person, I am appreciated by colleagues and girlfriends. And here at work, I don't need these romantic ramblings. But be that as it may, I still look at the clock out of the corner of my eye and understand that evening and night will come again soon .... And again I will be offended and sad, again I will want warmth. And me in Once again won't even save positive attitude from the latest women's magazine ... ".

Why am I alone? ? What's going on in this strange world? There are so many people in it, but I need one, the only one, dear and close. Want to get married. Or maybe I'm not looking for anyone at all? Maybe I have already learned to forgive and let go, learned to be strong and independent? Maybe I don't need this love and I don't know how to love at all? And so every day, everything is there - but only your beloved cat or dog is waiting for you at home.

Yes, you say, being single is hard. But at the same time, a single woman is not in a hurry to change something in her "bachelor" life. It is quite difficult for such a woman to give up her independence and freedom. Such young ladies are ready to complain to their friends about loneliness for days, but at the same time, when you listen to their thoughts on the topic, one thing becomes clear - such a woman is not accidentally lonely. She is not ready, in principle, to make even the slightest concessions, even in small things. Such “loners”, finding a lot of excuses for their “not quite good” character, find such habits that they cannot refuse under any circumstances. It is very difficult for such women to love, because their mind does not actually turn off and constantly whispers a myth about their imperfection, about complexes, and a woman simply does not respond to her true feelings and emotions.

That is why psychologists believe that only fear lies at the heart of such actions of a woman. Moreover, there are a million varieties of fears, ranging from “I can’t” to “I’m a complete loser and I don’t know how to love at all.” These fears are stacked on top of each other. And over time, it turns out a kind of sandwich from the complexes. We are afraid to meet someone on our way. We are afraid of this meeting. We begin to expect a dirty trick from relationships, we are simply afraid of betrayal. And thus, a woman, even before the start of a relationship, is sure that she will be deceived and betrayed in any case. The protective reaction of the body is triggered - it’s better to have no relationship at all than then this ... And an appropriate strategy of thinking and behavior appears.

And what do we get as a result. Phrases: "I don't know of any example of really happy family", "All men are the same". Yes, a woman can say such phrases a couple of times, but this will be enough to create an attitude. Because of this “sandwich”, it is really difficult for a woman to believe that relationships and love can be really easy, harmonious, and happy.

But in addition to such attitudes, a single woman also sets tasks for relationships that are not entirely correct. She needs actually super perfect man with an appearance like Brad Pitt, a character like an angel, and a material level like that of Abramovich. Based on this, the installation is simple - "it should be." Such a woman is initially set to only take, but she is not going to give anything at all. It is this attitude that hinders the construction normal relationship and live at peace with yourself.

The conclusion is this: as soon as a loner stops demanding and changes his “he should be” to “I believe that I can be happy”, then magic happens. Of course, it is not necessary that He immediately appears on a white Bentley, although this is possible. It just makes life so much easier. You begin to look at life easier, stop obsessing over your “beautifulness” and your “not very good” character. It becomes easier for you to start a relationship. And I am more than sure that soon with such an attitude you will create a happy family!

There are endless ideas about why independent, successful and beautiful girls mostly alone. As with most mysteries in our lives, there is no clear answer to this one either. Most often, we tend to look for causes based on personal experience. If you do not belong to the category of sultry beauties who perceive loneliness as independence, you probably have such a girlfriend. So why nice girl can't find a mate?

1. She's not into dating for the sake of dating.

Such a girl knows her own worth too well and will never go to meet a guy without seeing a long-term perspective in a relationship. The beauty is not interested in victories on the personal front, so the next date, which does not lead to anything serious, is seen by her as a waste of time. Of course, our heroine is interested in dating, she is just more selective and will not be content with little. The beauty is not interested in flirting for the sake of flirting, because she is confident in herself.
Instead of an empty pastime with the next gentleman in a cafe or cinema, a pretty girl will prefer to devote time to herself. She will go to the gym or work out cosmetic procedures. When the beauty meets her betrothed, she will look perfect.

2. She doesn't like the idea of ​​sex without love.

Beautiful girls are not accustomed to playing a double game with guys, in right time pretending to be unapproachable. They don't consider physical proximity as something forbidden, but casual sex is unacceptable for them. Such a girl cannot imagine that a guy will forget about her existence tomorrow. Pride won't let it become another item in long list victories ladies man. In addition, sex, not supported by feelings, is seen for our heroine as a senseless act. That is why she could wait for her ideal partner for ages.

3. She doesn't need a relationship to fill the void.

Modern women have long and successfully mastered various areas. For a long time no one considers representatives fair half mankind exclusively as mothers and keepers of the hearth. Girls receive an excellent education, build a career, actively participate in social life. Like men, they are in demand in all areas of activity, so they never consider relationships as a fad necessary to fill a gaping void.
If a beauty is really in demand and successful, she simply has no time to think about how “unhappy” she is in her personal life. Contrary to the established stereotype, such girls do not torment themselves with the pangs of despair and do not cry into the pillow at night. Our heroines strive to achieve perfection in everything. Therefore, they will not start a relationship for show or because it is accepted in society.

4. Guys don't know how to approach a girl like that.

Seeing a successful beauty in front of them, many guys do not risk keeping up the conversation or making acquaintances. They are confused by the status and self-sufficiency of our heroine. Many men are afraid of being rejected and getting a severe blow to their ego. Some guys are too scared of emancipation and independence. Despite the fact that guys are very attracted to successful beauties, young people understand that such girls require a special approach.

5. A portrait of the future chosen one is formed in her head

A beautiful girl has long decided on life principles. She knows that the path to success is thorny, it is not strewn with roses. Society suppresses unscrupulous people. That is why our heroine has long prioritized her life. If there is such a person among your acquaintances, and you are used to secretly pity her, do not do it. Loneliness is considered by the beauty as a temporary phenomenon. In her mind, a portrait of the future chosen one has long and clearly been formed. When they meet with a friend, the girl will not have a single doubt about the correctness of her choice. The day will come when people around will no longer secretly feel sorry for the lonely beauty and overcome her with stupid questions about her personal life, they will simply envy her.

Conclusion

We hope that no one else will be tormented by the question of why successful beauties remain without a partner. We found out that this is a temporary phenomenon, and the girl does not consider herself deprived of something. She is completely satisfied with life and considers the clichés accepted in society as another nonsense. This girl takes everything from life, including the best partner. If she does not see a worthy couple, she never exchanges for trifles. Everything is in order with our heroine, and the saying that you must certainly be born happy is not at all about her.