Happy parents have happy children. Happy parents have happy children

How many methods of working with children exist now ... How many therapeutic techniques, how many teaching sessions ... How much effort, time and money parents are willing to give for their child. If only to make his life better and happier. Centers early development, numerous circles, classes with a speech therapist, with a psychologist, etc. etc.

After all, for your son (daughter) nothing is a pity! The tremendous love of parents is looking for ways to give everything they need to be happy.

Moms and dads pay big money to psychologists for harmonization internal state their child, for correcting his behavior, for healing from trauma.

However, they often forget about themselves. That it is very often important for them to work on themselves, on their relationship with the partner (father / mother) of the child. This is considered less important and significant than the development of a son or daughter.

But the secret harmonious development children, more often than not, is extremely simple! Children are happy and harmonious when their parents are happy and harmonious. And also when the relationship between the parents is harmonious. When a child sees and feels that his parents love each other, he grows up in an atmosphere of love, feeds, and is filled with this love. In love, he develops harmoniously, happily, happily. For the safe development of the child, the love of his parents to each other as important as the love of the parents to the child himself.

Thus , to solve most of the child's problems, it is important for parents, first of all, to solve problems in relationships with each other, as well as to solve their own, internal problems... It is important to understand that the child just reflects, like a mirror, what is happening in the family.

Why parental work on themselves and their relationships is important for a child's well-being

• The child is part of mom and part of dad. If the parents love each other, the child feels this love as addressed to him as well. He feels himself in an atmosphere of goodness, harmony, love. And he's happy.

But if, for example, a mother treats the child's father badly, then, in this way, the son (daughter) feels: the mother treats him (her) badly, too! After all, in him (her) there is a part of the father, whom the mother does not love! Naturally, the child does not analyze this, but simply feels it intuitively. It has a powerful negative impact for the child and his further life... If it so happens that there is no longer love between the parents, it is extremely important to show at least respect for each other.

• Children subtly feel the mood, the atmosphere in the family. They seem to be saturated with her and her, having received from outside world, begin to radiate back - to the outside world.
• By observing the behavior of parents and other significant adults, children imitate them. Moreover, they "read" such subtle nuances in stereotypes of behavior, which parents themselves may not even suspect, not notice in themselves.

You can take children to therapy sessions with a psychologist for an infinitely long time, but if a source the influence on the child will remain the same, and little will change in the child.

Dear parents, the realization that a child is a “mirror” reflecting yourself is twofold. On the one hand, this realization can be unpleasant and painful. But on the other hand, this is a chance to really improve your life (your own, your family's, your child's). To do this, it is important to take responsibility for yourself and figure out how what about I AM doing wrong in this situation? Believe me, when you change, your relationship with your partner will change, and the child will also change. This happens naturally, as if a withering flower comes to life and unfolds in all its beauty after you water the soil from which it grows. After all, no matter how much you wipe its leaves and petals with a damp cloth, the flower will die if the roots and the soil from which it grows are not watered.

Extremes: Parents are concerned only with themselves or with each other

There are families in which the parents of the child just feel and show to each other warm feelings... They are passionate about each other, in love and happy together! And even ... without a child. We are now not talking about the healthy self-sufficiency of parents, but about a situation when parents, it would seem, do not care about their children. They feel so good together that no one else (not even own child) they do not want to let them into their world. Such an obsession with enjoying each other is clearly not useful for a child. After all, it is important for him both the manifestations of the parents' love for each other, and the manifestations of love for him. Not one of these.

And certainly the child does not become happy from the fact that mom or dad (and, sometimes, both) are completely focused on themselves, their pleasures or their personal "development" so much that there is not enough time and energy for the child.

If the parents do not pay attention to him, the child feels lonely, abandoned, unloved and unnecessary. Every day a child (and not only!) Needs at least 8 hugs a day, sweet words, various manifestations cordiality and love.

Do I have to pretend that everything is fine if it is not?

You cannot create happiness by cheating. Children have incredible intuition and always sense lies. And what younger child, the stronger is this ability to feel the true atmosphere in the family, true attitude to himself, the true relationship of parents to each other and to other people.

Of course, this does not mean that you need to openly demonstrate your indignation, anger in front of the child, sort things out. It is important to protect the psyche of the child. But one should not think that play and pretense will be able to make children believe that there is candy in the empty wrapper.

Up to what age does a child reflect parents

In a sense, all my life! This, if you look deeply 🙂 But it happens most strongly before the age of 14. The younger the child, the more he reflects his parents, as well as the immediate environment (relatives living with you).

The trap of the position "all the best for children"

It is a wonderful intention to give the child the best in the world. But sometimes this intention is distorted and turns into the following: all the best is for the child, and I (we) will manage, me (we) - and the inferior will do.

This approach becomes a "disservice", unwittingly rendered by the parents to the child.

And here we can single out two of the most striking consequences of such behavior:

• The child grows up selfish. He sees that his parents value him more than themselves, and over time begins to think that, probably, it should be so. He, too, begins to value himself more than his parents. As, however, and all other people.
• The child begins to expect similar attitude to yourself and from others. He used to be the world(parents, relatives) satisfy his whim. When his world around him expands (kindergarten, school, etc.), he expects the same. But soon the child will be shocked: no one is going to satisfy all his wishes! And for him, this is real stress. This discovery becomes a tough lesson that not every child goes through well.

Dear parents, remember: in everything pleasing the child, you harm him. After all, it is important to teach a child to respect and value not only himself, but others as well. Not only to accept love, but also to give it. That is, to teach justice, the laws of harmonious relationships.

AND The best way for this - my own example.

It is difficult to rebuild, living your whole life according to one scenario. However, I offer you a number of ways to help you tune in the right way.

1. Enjoy life.

Raising a child is a difficult and time-consuming process in which there are no magic rules and spells. But if you want your child to be happy, be happy yourself. Mom and Dad are a stable and constant example for a growing baby. That is why, when parents are kind, open, enjoy life, do what they love, the child repeats after them, and these feelings and moods become the norm for him.

Can you imagine how difficult it is little man among the offended, dissatisfied with work, adults, and how easily he, because of ignorance of the world, learns just such a view of life.

In such difficult working days, you really need to learn to rejoice. At least for the sake of the happiness of their children. Make it a rule to see your friends at least once every couple of weeks, go for a walk with your child, not only in the yard, but also come up with some kind of little adventures - be it a city holiday, a walk in the park or a trip to the cinema. And make the most important rule: leave Bad mood and work problems outside your doorstep.

2. Optimism is the key to success

It is very important to teach a child to look at the world around him positively. Failures happen, but if you do not allow yourself to become limp, but take a solution to the problem with a smile, you can achieve excellent results... According to statistics, optimists are more confident in themselves, more successful in their studies, work and sports.

Make it a rule to play a game with your baby every night in which each of you will tell a few good events that happened to you during the day. You will see, it will benefit not only the child, but also you!

Try to see only good in everything - in events, in the weather, and even in failures. As Immanuel Kant said, “one, looking into a puddle, sees dirt in it, another - stars reflected in it”. Try to see the stars and your child will see them too!

3. Be sincere

Fatigue and bad mood are, unfortunately, frequent guests in the adult world. Do not forget that children feel everything perfectly, and the sight of a staunch mother when she is angry inside only scares the baby and confuses his emotion recognition skills.

Laugh if you are having fun, frown if you are angry, sad or sad - because blocking feelings often leads to unpleasant complications. Just be sure to explain your feelings to the child, for example: "I want to be alone for a while, because I am very tired and do not feel well." And say together his feelings: "You are angry because we did not buy you a chocolate bar." So you will teach your baby to correctly recognize his own and others' feelings, and he will be more careful about the experiences of other people. This is another step towards your happiness: it is very important when loved ones understand and share your feelings. Family honesty is the key to a healthy personality.

4. Parental time

Parents, more often mothers, especially when the child is still small, do not have enough time to spend it with benefit only for themselves. Psychologists say that it is necessary to cut out such moments, because you cannot constantly ignore your interests and desires. Parents, it is our children who look at us, with us they learn to set priorities and live either in harmony with themselves, or in.

WITH early childhood accustoming the child to independence and stipulating his responsibilities, parents free up some of their free time for themselves, while teaching the child the necessary skills.

5. Spend more time with children

New experiences are very important for the development of the baby: go to the cinema, museums or the park with the whole family, more often, cook together on weekends, watch your favorite cartoons in the evening.

With your children, you will look in a new way at rain and snow, at worms and cats, in a different way you will read old fairy tales and learn new poems, feel the delight and surprise of your baby, talk about the first love ... It is happiness to experience with your loved ones vivid impressions and moments!

Children, even well-fed and well-off with everything, without adults cannot learn to see all the delights of the world, find fascinating activity- to live a full-fledged childhood.

6. Allow yourself to be wrong

We are imperfect and the world is imperfect, so just allow yourself to be yourself. Do not blame yourself endlessly for mistakes and incorrect words - try to understand the reason and correct the situation. The stress level will become noticeably lower, and the child, looking at the steadfast parent, will gain invaluable experience in overcoming any obstacles.

Try to live the way you would like your children to live. Learn, create, love, develop and be happy!

Olga Dorokhova

The German satirist Sebastian Brant wrote the lines back in the 15th century: A child learns what he sees in his home, his parents are an example to him. After going through this psychological test, you will find out if your personal example upbringing in a child those qualities that you want to see in him.

site - the official site of the journal "Happy parents".

"Happy parents" Is the most popular magazine for young moms and dads in Russia *, which contains the most relevant and useful information about health, nutrition, psychology of children, as well as the latest trends in children's fashion and original ideas in the field of beauty and lifestyle. A brand with a long history, which enjoys the well-deserved trust of parents, was created taking into account colossal experience, creative energy and using the latest digital solutions.

Magazine "Happy parents"- the only printed publication in the materials of which experts are professionals in the field of gynecology, obstetrics, surgery, pediatrics, dentistry and others medical specialties, and experienced psychologists and teachers.

* According to TNS Media, NRS-Russia III, 2015. According to ARPP.

"Happy Parents" in February (2019) In the February issue we will talk about the intricacies correct hardening baby from the first months of life. Let's figure out how to take care of reproductive health boy. We will help you get ready for the first examination of the baby at the clinic and show you which doctors he will go through there. Shedding light on the myths about epidural anesthesia. We will find out why children call names and fight, and what to do about it.

In the January issue we will tell you how to combine pregnancy with labor activity... Under the guidance of the famous figure skater Anastasia Grebenkina, we will teach how to put a child on skates (and introduce others winter fun!). We will show you how to deal with allergies to frost, melting snow and other irritants. We will find out what to look for when buying thermal underwear and how to organize a pleasant car trip with a baby.

In the November issue we will tell you what methods will really help expectant mother relax and not get nervous. We will give advice on how to equip a nursery. Let's find out how to cure a kid from a cold and teach him to tie his shoelaces. We will also discuss the most pressing issues with Dr. Komarovsky and the famous family psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya.

In the October issue we will talk about breathing techniques during childbirth and how to care for baby's nails. We will conduct a detailed analysis of the children's drawing, study the encyclopedia of vitamins, let's pass the test for compatibility with your pet and prepare the chicken dish of the month. And also, we will conduct an interview with a popular instamama, learn how to properly care for the décolleté area, and discuss many other relevant and interesting topics for mums and dads, for example, how to properly motivate their children. Or ... where did the blue-nosed gray Teddy bear come from?

In the September issue, we will learn how to cope with various ailments during pregnancy: toxicosis, colds, headaches, etc., how to psychologically prepare for the upcoming childbirth and what symptoms of a baby are normal, and which are cause for concern. Let's compose a diet for a baby with lactase deficiency. We will discuss how to help the child take the first step, talk about the development of children's speech, analyze child drawing together with a specialist. And also, we will find out the opinion of a psychologist about the lack of feelings for our own child using an example real story and much more, don't miss it!

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Parents are sure: they know how to make a child happy. All forces and energy are directed towards achieving this goal. However, instead of gratitude, we receive from children reproaches, irritation, detachment, misunderstanding.

What is “happiness” from the point of view of the parents?

What do they themselves know about happiness? How often do they experience it? Do they know how to be happy? Do they fill their children's lives with the energy of happiness?

Moms and dads will say: we want the child to grow up happy. We are ready for sacrifice and hardship - this is how our child will understand that he is loved. There is a stereotype: the interests of children always come first.

A child is born and parents must abandon their own needs. It's embarrassing and embarrassing to take care of yourself. Therefore, parents are pushing their interests into the background, personal life, career.

Examples from psychotherapeutic practice:

At the reception with a psychologist, a woman told about a strong emotional attachment to my son. She devoted her life to him: brought up, worked tirelessly, denied herself everything. And in response - only his irritation. “My son tolerates me because I give him money,” complains the unhappy mother. During the conversation, it turns out that the guy lives in another country, he is already 21 years old. A woman shows her love for her son as follows: constant moralizing on Skype, calls with checks, control at every step. Is it love? From the point of view of the mother - yes, love, care. But can a son see and accept such love?

Another example:

The man has lost his beloved wife. The attitude “love hurts” has appeared. In a new marriage with a woman who fell in love with him, two girls were born. Father began to avoid emotional contact with daughters. Result: deep neurosis eldest daughter, complete discord in the family.

Another situation:

A client of a psychologist shares a problem: a "cold" relationship with her daughter. Tells about herself: survived unsuccessful marriage- the husband beat. She put an end to personal happiness, forbade herself to marry, fearing a repetition of the script. She unwittingly passed on her negative ideas about men to her daughter. And now my daughter recently got married and she is uncomfortable in marriage. He does not share his feelings with his mother.

There are many options for being unhappy parents and making your children unhappy. Is there a way out?

Of course - to be honest with yourself, to change yourself. Hard? Yes! But probably!

Changes in our own worldview, rejection of habitual patterns of behavior, a step towards ourselves - this is the “sacrifice” that our children will appreciate.

Modern parents lacks elementary knowledge about the psychology of children. Adults forget what they themselves felt in childhood and at the same time are sure that they know how to protect children from worries.

Each age carries with it its own internal problems: crises of three, seven years, adolescence and this cannot be avoided. But you can work with it.

Children are a resource for personal growth adults. A child is a mirror in which we - parents are reflected.
From psychological state parents depend on the future of their children. And when the happiness of the child is at stake, you can try. And then the depressing sense of guilt inherent in the Russian mentality will go away.
Task loving parent- create a safe psychological environment for the child, tune in with him "on the same wavelength."

It's easier to communicate with a happy parent. Such a parent can be trusted. Remember in your youth: for those in love "the sea is knee-deep", problems are solved by themselves and the soul sings ... How hard it is for adults to return joy to their lives! Anxiety for children, fear of making mistakes leads away from the main idea of ​​parenting - the pleasure of communicating with own child.

Learn to be happy and your kids will thank you!

Marina Tsvetkova - gestalt therapist, child psychologist, employee