Is it worth it to maintain friendly relations between ex-spouses? If there is a "link". Does your partner keep their word?
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According to the films, the words "let's be friends"- one of the most common phrases when parting. If reality is to be believed, this perhaps the most dishonest words. Arguing with them can only be sacramental "It's not about you, it's about me..." Practice shows that former lovers rarely remain friends. More often - keep a good face when bad game. Let's see why this happens, in what cases friendship between former lovers impossible, and in which - it is worth trying.
Why is it needed?
If during the relationship a man has become a dear and close person for you, the desire to continue communication is understandable, not to lose from a friend. If, on the contrary, the hobby was easy and short-lived, and at the end you realized that you were not very interested in each other, it is not clear why you should continue to communicate in a new form.
There are situations when girls, breaking off relationships, leave the former lover "with you." The young man, continuing to cherish the hope of restoring relations, is always there, will help, if necessary, support, congratulate on the holiday and will not let you feel lonely. On the one hand, it is convenient: there is always someone who will reinstall Windows, pick them up from the airport, and give compliments. On the other hand, it's not fair to a former lover. The situation can be reversed, when a man leaves his ex-girlfriend "with him". It is not good to put a person in such a situation; to fall into it yourself is definitely not worth it. So, offering young man"stay friends" honestly answer yourself the question why you need it.And is it necessary at all?
Peace is impossible 
Often friendship after a relationship is impossible due to the fact that one person initiated the breakup, while the other continues to love and suffer. Or if mutual grievances overpower everything good feelings to each other. Usually at the exit from such a relationship, partners are more likely to be in a state of fierce war than friendship. Everyone hurts, and because of this, he tries to make his ex-lover even more painful.
"If there were betrayals or betrayals in a relationship, then most likely no friendship will come of it, resentment, revenge, anger will still not make it possible to completely forgive your partner", - considers psychologist Maria Pugacheva.
There is a chance!
The couple has the greatest chance of parting as friends, feelings in 
which slowly and evenly faded away, but respect for each other remained. Or people who calmly and peacefully realized that they now have different goals, so they cannot go further together.
The problem is that such things are very difficult to understand calmly.- partners usually put pressure on each other, try to win over to their side, and the matter often ends in scandals, swearing and unpleasant scenes. And from such a situation to go to friendship is very difficult.
"former" and "current"
Even if the relationship after the breakup was great, problems may arisewhen one of the "former" has someone "current": jealousy and a sense of ownership has not been canceled. Moreover, against the backdrop of a happy personal life former lover you feel your own loneliness more sharply.
One of my friends noticed that in such a situation, the "happier" one should be softer with his former partner: talk less about your relationship, pay attention to it, emphasize its importance. In that case, of course, if he wants to keep friendly relations.
Of course, it is better to communicate when the former lovers have both already established their personal lives. But even here there can be a place for jealousy. If the relationship was serious and important, "being friends with families" most likely will not work in the near future.
Danger of relapse 
From this follows the conclusion that it is best to communicate with the former, who so far have nothing going on in their personal lives, or, more precisely, they simply do not have it. On the one hand, in this case, you are not threatened with jealousy. With another - there is a risk of relapse. When the soul is lonely, the former lover begins to seem perfect. BUT Returning to an old relationship is psychologically often much easier than starting a new one.
If it's worth it, then for God's sake. But for some reason you broke up, right? And if these were irresolvable contradictions, they most likely will not go anywhere. This means that you will only lose time during which you could find your true "half".
We share friends, or boys to the left, girls to the right
As I said, in some situations peace is obviously impossible. There is a lot of unpleasantness in difficult and painful breakups. One of the bonus difficulties is communication with mutual friends . Friends are animated beings, it will not be possible to share them as property, they themselves will choose with whom to be friends. It is important here to behave in a civilized manner, not to pull friends over to your side and not be offended if they continue to communicate with your "former".
According to my observations, if both a young man and a girl are equally important to friends, they find the opportunity to continue communication with both. But if one of the former partners was less close to the company, he leaves it very quickly.
"If a couple broke up hard, with scandals, betrayals and betrayals, it is often impossible to keep common friends, and, as a rule, the scheme remains the most painless: girls continue to be friends with girls, and boys with boys,"- says Maria Pugacheva.
Theory and practice
I propose to move from theory to practice - in front of you A small survey of my friends who found themselves in similar situations.
Alice, student "Of course, you can be friends with" former ". For example, in the evening I go to a cafe with my ex-young man, we have a very a good relationship and we meet at least once every two weeks. True, according to experience, immediately after the breakup, it is worth not communicating for a while, while the emotions are too strong, and the memories are too vivid. Otherwise, you can quarrel for the rest of your life, because one will demand the attention of the other, be offended by not getting it. But over time, you can return to frequent communication.
Sergey, designer: "It depends on the reasons for the gap. With some ex girls I am friends, but others still don’t want to see me, although a lot of time has already passed.
Lisa, lawyer "Be friends with the former? Surely you can. But I didn’t succeed. My former young people don’t want to talk to me for some reason. Maybe because I usually initiated the break."
Dmitry, yoga teacher:"Being friends with the former is absolutely normal. True, it's hard if one continues to love and hope ... Another question is what love is. If this is not banal selfishness, then friendship is possible even in such a difficult situation."
What do you say? Do you think it's possible to be friends with former lovers? Tell your stories.
There can be many reasons for breaking up relationships, but there are only two options for breaking up: in a good way and in a bad way. This is the main vector that determines how to build relationships with the former further.
Consider the main options for relationships with ex-lovers:
- friendship. "Top aerobatics" of communication "after". According to psychologists, the ability to maintain good relationships with former partners is a sign of psychological maturity personality. But even here there are pitfalls: often the basis for friendships is the hope of restoring closer communication. You need to remember this and not feed such hopes if attempt No. 2 is not your plan. In this case, it is recommended to either adjust your behavior in an absolutely neutral direction, or reduce meetings to a minimum. You should not choose this method of communication if only you are interested in restoring relations: imposing is not best method return feelings. In addition, if you are already in a new relationship and intend to maintain it, take into account the partner's opinion on this matter. Not all men approve of even the most innocent relationship with ex-boyfriend or husband.
- friendly relations. Perfect option communication between the former, who have no claims against each other and do not harbor any illusions. In this case, periodic communication, interest (within the decent) in life, or seeking help from the former does not pose a threat to new relationships or is not an obstacle to them. Although everything may not be smooth here, and under the guise of a friend, there may still be a hope to restore his status as an ex-lover.
- Communication "under duress". Most often, this path of events occurs when there is a link between the former even after parting. It can be a common business, children, social circle or work. That is, circumstances force communication. Of course, if the prospect often sees his "ex" for your nervous system unacceptable, you can change jobs, split your business, or reconsider your social circle. The exception here is children - your relationship with ex-husband shouldn't hurt them. But you do not have the right to limit their communication with the father, except in cases where he is deprived parental rights or the children themselves do not want to see him. If you didn’t manage to stay friends or friends, find a compromise in the form of “dad days” and try not to talk bad about him.
- Sex without obligation. This communication option can be chosen if it is impossible to live together, but sometimes you can sleep. At the same time, on the one hand, good sex with a proven partner without any obligations, on the other hand, attachment, even just sexual, to the former greatly complicates the process of building new relationships. Besides open relationship can be perceived as such only by one of the partners, while the other can use this situation for a “comeback”.
- No communication at all. This type of relationship after a breakup is chosen when there is no turning back. The easiest way is to “burn bridges” when circumstances make it possible to exclude any contact with the former: moving to another city or another area, changing jobs, mobile numbers and places of possible intersection (common living space, company, places of recreation and entertainment, etc.). The absence of common children and godchildren also greatly simplifies the process of complete “renewal”. It is important to remember here that games of isolation as revenge are inappropriate. If you are determined to "zero out" your personal status and start life with clean slate Let your ex know right away. There is no need to give hope if it has no chance of being realized.
- War. Most worst case of all available. Unfortunately, this method of communication is most often resorted to by partners who cannot forgive an offense and do not want to voluntarily die once loving person. Moreover, they can “poison” the life of the former (or former) both by open “combat” actions and by the method of the cold war. This option is dangerous because love for children, intimate moments can be chosen as a weapon. life together, material dependence and even a simple feeling of pity. All this not only morally exhausts both participants in the “battle”, but also reduces the possibility of reconciliation to zero.
How to reconnect with an ex
Despite the fact that the statistics of the success of the restoration of relations between former spouses not so comforting (according to research by American psychologists, only about 10% remarriages turns out to be successful), do not reject the attempt to regain former happiness. At least, if there are no prerequisites for the absolute failure of such an event.
Such prerequisites may be unacceptable habits or character traits that have not changed and will not change (both for him and for you), lack of feelings for the former (or for him for you), etc. Also, you should not have illusions about new happiness with a delinquent ex-lover if you cannot forgive and not remember his misdeeds.
Now let's move on to what needs to be done to "glue the cup" of relationships again:
- Conduct a thorough self-analysis, the purpose of which will be your true attitude to the former. Look inside yourself: do you really want a reunion, is there a chance to prevent a second break. It is important to understand that it is impossible to radically change an adult man who has taken place. You can influence some moments and correct the model of behavior, but it will not work to make another person out of it. And if some act or habit of a man was the reason for the breakup, think about whether you are ready to face the same problem again.
- Keep your emotions under control. Do not let the longing for the former go out in the presence of others, even if it is very bad. Smile, laugh, share your optimism - everyone should know that everything is fine with you. Especially him. Therefore, leave tears for the pillow and the most trusted girlfriend. But you should not overdo it either: hysterical laughter with sadness in the eyes looks at least not aesthetically pleasing.
- Go back to the past. Or rather, in those days when your relationship was just gaining momentum. Remember what you were then, what most attracted him to you. Return that carefree (cheerful, kind, mischievous, playful, etc.) girl who once turned his head. Walk, chat, do what you love - be happy! Let him want to be there again and share this happiness with you. Indeed, often the routine of relationships erases this beautiful image from us, and feelings are erased with it.
- Be considerate and friendly. If you manage to maintain a good relationship after a breakup, try to gently develop them. You can meet periodically (with or without friends), go to the cinema or cafe, discuss interesting topics and events to help each other. Refreshes the senses very effectively Nice memories from your past relationships: acquaintance, first kiss, comical moments or interesting adventures. Be interested in his life, give advice (if he needs them). If you were the reason for the breakup, do everything to improve and so that he sees these corrections. But the main thing - do not be intrusive until he himself is ready for more.
Important! Before establishing communication with the former, analyze his actions and attitude towards you. If he makes contact, is sincerely interested in you and everything that happens in your life, does not refuse help and does not avoid communication - there is every chance of success. Otherwise, it is better to direct all efforts to new, more promising relationships.
The main prohibitions in relations with the former
If you still decide to change your anger to mercy, or vice versa, are not going to give up your happiness to another and want to restore relationships, remember the behaviors that may interfere with the implementation of your plans:
- . Ignoring his presence, being rude and hysterical are steps that will only distance you from reuniting with your ex-lover. Especially the showdown, including in public, on the phone and not quite sober. special attention will require control of his feelings of jealousy. Especially if the ex started a new relationship (or this new relationship caused the breakup). In this case, no discussion of the opponent and zealous attacks in his direction. You are grace and attraction itself. If he is still alone, you should not go to the other extreme and, regretting, constantly remind him of this.
- Poor Juliet. Another way that women resort to to get back in touch with an ex is pity. Or rather, behavior that is aimed at arousing pity in a man. Constantly letting your ex know how hard, lonely, and troubled you are can put you in the status of a liability. Although the goal was simply to show how much you need it. Moreover, you can not blame him for your troubles.
- Indefatigable activist. Excessive activity also unacceptable - limit your interest in his life to the measures of decency. You do not need to offer him your service in any form (cooking, cleaning, washing, treatment, etc.), arguing such services by the fact that he is lonely, and it’s not at all difficult for you. The same applies to frequent phone calls - control is no longer appropriate. Moreover, you should not try to tie him to yourself with financial “ties”, work or business, you will either receive aggression in response, or you will pull everything on yourself.
- "Kind fairy. Do not hide your anger or resentment from him, he must know what is on this stage you don't have the best feelings for him. "Pronounce" these emotions - with a psychologist, friends, relatives. If you can't say it to his face, write a letter. If you can't send it to him, just burn it. The main thing is to let these feelings out, to live them. That's why big mistake is to put on a mask of affable and caring, if resentment gnaws inside.
How to communicate with an ex - look at the video:
Relationships with exes or exes are tricky. You yourself must find the answer to it, since a lot depends on why you broke up and how you did it. But the main thing you should do in any case is to forgive your “ex”, no matter what he did, and let go. And then time will tell.
Knowing when to quit and when to move on is the key to emotional survival.
Until we are 200% sure that the relationship is over, we continue to believe in it. This is understandable, because in a few years (or months) we become so attached to a person, we can say “grow” into him, that it is very painful to part. It is clear that you are trying to save the relationship: there is always hope that they will change for the better.
Not everyone has the guts to end a relationship the moment it really ended. Here are 21 signs that "finita la comedy" if it has not yet arrived, then it is already very, very close. If at least four points out of all you say: “This is about us,” think about parting more seriously than usual.
1. Resentment
You are constantly offended by your partner, but do not say anything. You think that this is how you save your relationship, but in reality you are only delaying it. bad moment when all the accumulated negativity breaks out and your connection ends in a painful break.
Resentment does not go anywhere, especially if the factors that cause it do not disappear. If it does not splash out, then it accumulates inside, and this causes stress and illness. And, of course, destroys relationships - slowly but surely.
2. Disrespect
If you and your partner have reached the point where you show mutual disrespect, it's time to destroy your illusions. There is nothing easier than to stop being attached to someone who shows you disrespect.
People can continue to live together without respect and awareness of the value of each other, which leads to absolute indifference about the needs and desires of a partner. Well, what kind of continuation can we talk about?
3. Contempt
It doesn't matter what motives caused contempt, be it a failed career, a change in appearance, or something else. Partners should support each other in any situation, because isn't this warmth we need so much under any circumstances, and especially during some personal problems.
If you started to treat each other with contempt, you no longer get warmth from relationships and you live not with a friend who understands, but with a cold creature who condemns you, why continue this?
4. Lies
I'm talking about that lie when you tell a person, "I love you," without experiencing any feelings. You are afraid of hurting him, but you are not really protecting him, but only making it worse. The truth will come out: you cannot lie all your life and at the same time not spoil it for yourself and your partner.
Well, if you say to yourself: “We are happy, I am happy, everything is fine with us”, when you feel that everything has already ended for you, this is also an escape from reality.
5. Distrust
If you do not trust your partner, then there are reasons for this. If they are so serious that trust cannot be restored, why stay with this person? All my life to check, worry and waste my nerves?
6. Swearing in public
Everything good that you can say about your partner can be said in public. And all the bad things are better left for personal conversations. To scold a person in public means to achieve only a negative response or a hidden resentment.
In addition, if you scold your partner in public or even just allow yourself unpleasant jokes about him, it means that dissatisfaction is growing inside, which has already begun to spill out.
7. Distance
You have already severed the emotional connection with your partner and thus "softly" let him know that it's over. Maybe it's better to do it right away, and not to produce suffering and doubts?
8. Demanding evidence of love
“If you love me, you…” It is very tempting to manage a person’s life in this way, and if you periodically hear this phrase, then something has gone wrong.
The only person who can change his feelings is himself, and some of your actions have nothing to do with it.
Well, if you yourself say so, think about whether you really need this person, will he become loved if he does something? And is it possible to manipulate someone you really love?
9. Public humiliation
If your partner humiliated you in society once, with highly likely he will do it over and over again. And it does not matter that he drank a lot that evening or he was in a bad mood.
Public humiliation of a partner only speaks of deep self-hatred, and no matter how much love you give to this person, it will not fix the situation without his firm desire to change and work with his self-esteem. And this is difficult not only to correct, but even to admit.
10. Obsession with another person
If your partner is obsessed with another person - whether he is friends with him or hopes for a closer relationship - sooner or later this will lead to a break.
Of course, this does not mean that partners should completely immerse themselves in each other and give all their energy to only one person, but obsession with someone else is fraught with suspicion, jealousy and resentment.
Yes, the partner is clearly missing something in your relationship if he is so drawn to another person, but you can hardly give him this. And certainly you should not change yourself for the sake of another person.
11. Obsession with pornography
There is nothing weird or wrong with partners watching porn together. Some kind of voyeurism helps to get turned on and find something new to try later in bed with a partner.
But if one of the partners is obsessed with pornography, complete satisfaction will always elude him: in pursuit of the Grail multiple orgasms, he may end up on the path of sexual perversion.
So, if you are not satisfied with such alignments, think about the root cause of this obsession, and about the possible consequences.
12. Emotional infidelity
Some people think that monogamy is the only possible variant relationships, for others it is difficult and almost impossible.
If you cheated for the sake of a variety of sexual experiences, the relationship can still be saved, but if there is emotional attachment to the person with whom you had an intimate relationship, it's time to end the relationship.
The first question people ask when they find out about their partner's infidelity is: "Do you love him/her?" Because it is emotional, not physical connection is the core of the relationship, and if it is gone, then you have nothing more to do here.
13. Inability to end the conflict
It starts as an endless struggle without reaching a consensus, which gradually develops into "as you wish", when the partners no longer care about the results of their struggle.
There is a rule: never go to bed offended by each other. And there is definitely something in it.
If none of the partners can pacify their pride and desire to always be the winner in the dispute, cannot agree to a truce without achieving their goal, these relations have no continuation.
14. Subconscious
If you unconsciously do things that harm your relationship, it is your psyche that tells you what you really need.
You can think whatever you want, but your actions speak of real desires better than all your assurances and hopes.
15. Obsession
If your partner has an obsession with, for example, alcohol or substances, he/she is a shopaholic, a gambler, a workaholic or is obsessed with sex, you will always be in second or even fifth place and will not get that emotional connection which you would like.
If you don't have an obsession with something, your partner's addiction can ruin not only his life, but yours as well. Not a very pleasant prospect.
16. Painful attachment to an ex
If your partner still maintains a more than close relationship with former passion or husband/wife, it destroys the relationship.
Former partners need to be respected, especially if you have common children, but the first role is still assigned to the current partner. If this does not happen, it is easy to feel secondary and unnecessary, and this is a direct path to a breakup.
17. Threats and emotional blackmail
This clear sign unhealthy relationships. emotional blackmail often presented as strong love, but it's actually a control. And control, in turn, is an abuse of feelings. You have to run as far away from it as you can see.
18. Constant comparison and ratings
Does your partner compare you to others who are prettier, earn more, smarter, and more interesting than you? This is one form of humiliation. If someone thinks that the grass is greener in someone else's yard, let him go there.
Humans are unique creatures, although they are similar in many ways. You shouldn't compare yourself, let alone listen to it from your partner.
19. Indifference
Why stay together if you don't care about each other?
20. Disappearance of attachment
There's nothing wrong with wanting a roommate, but if you want more from a relationship, don't stay with a partner who isn't your one and only. Don't just stay because it's convenient for you.
21. Physical abuse
There are no excuses, no explanations, circumstances and promises do not matter. You just have to leave.
In general, conflicts in a relationship are a way to get rid of pain, but their causes may vary. It can be a way to open the boil of dissatisfaction and resentment that has arisen in a relationship in order to clean out the wound, remove what is in the way, and save the relationship.
But it also happens differently, when conflicts are a way to break off relationships, to inform the other person that they are over, that it is no longer worth tormenting each other.
And it is better to learn to distinguish one conflict from another, otherwise it will be painful and bad for both partners.
Today, the divorce rate is very high. At the same time, many former spouses are forced, one way or another, to interact with each other. It may be on the ground professional activity, the presence of mutual friends or acquaintances, and so on. In this case, when former spouses often intersect, the question arises whether it is necessary to maintain friendly relations and to what extent this is possible. About friendship between spouses in a divorce and why it is necessary and what is fraught with, read on.
No place for friendship
Divorce is, first of all, stress. This process, which is not always fleeting, is usually accompanied by an abundance negative emotions and experiences. It often even happens that one of the main characters of this action is experiencing a serious psychological trauma. It may be associated with disappointment, resentment, or other unpleasant experiences. The scale of the injury can be so serious that without the help of a specialist it is impossible to cope with it.
Based on the foregoing, it is worth noting that after a divorce, many people, against the background of all the experiences, may have a sharp dislike for their ex-spouse. And part of it is okay. Sometimes hostility is such that the mere mention of a person can be enough for serious feelings. In such cases, when one of the former spouses, or even more so both of them, experience such a sharp dislike for each other, there is no need to talk about friendly relations at all.
In such situations, ex-spouses try not only not to communicate, but to completely avoid each other. In principle, this is very appropriate in cases where the divorce was especially painful and the former companions had deep “mental” wounds. Perhaps later, with the help of the great healer of time, they will be able to establish and maintain good relations.
There are situations in which relations between former spouses are undesirable, even if they are ready to support them. For example, sometimes it happens when one of the former spouses, despite all the negative aftertaste, still wants and even hopes to restore relations. He may perceive the breakup as not final. In such a situation, maintaining a relationship or simply meeting regularly can fuel the hopes of those who want everything back. Moreover, such a person can reassure himself even if there are no obvious and objective reasons for that.
Such false hopes can limit a person from new acquaintances and relationships. He may consciously refuse a new life, as he still harbors hopes about the restoration of broken relationships.
Friendship can take place
In general, it is impossible to say unequivocally whether it is necessary to specially establish friendly relations between former spouses or not. However, it is also not necessary to reject them, if not, then objective reasons described above.
In principle, a friendship relationship can be maintained with an ex-spouse provided there are no serious mental traumas and the ability to enter into new relationships. In this case, the friendship between former companions may indicate their maturity and readiness to start a new life.
There are many people who, after a divorce, remain or become good friends and at the same time get along well with each other.
As a conclusion, it is worth noting that the fact of the existence of friendship after a divorce is not so important, but the ability to forgive, put up and admit one's own mistakes is important. After all, not everyone can improve relations with an ex-spouse. The one who can demonstrates the presence certain qualities such as maturity, responsibility and so on. After all, despite the fact that divorce is accompanied by a mass of negative emotions, for sure everyone, if they try, will be able to remember a lot of good things associated with their ex-spouse. Thus, it turns out that a person who makes contact with a former spouse, as it were, admits that he, in turn, not only took a lot, in particular time, but also brought something.
Again and again
If you do not put an end to the relationship, but continue communication as if nothing had happened, then there is always Great chance restart them again. After all, it is much easier to continue what has already been started than to build something new. But it is worth remembering that you broke up for a reason, and for sure the same problems will surface again, which will again lead to a painful break.
old wounds
It is very difficult to heal wounds after a breakup if your former partner will always be somewhere nearby. With his presence, he will remind you not only of the good things that you had in a relationship, but also of the reasons for the breakup. You will experience the same emotions in a circle, wondering if you were in a hurry with the decision to end the relationship. This is extremely detrimental to peace of mind and prevents you from moving on.
Fallback
It can be very convenient to maintain friendly relations with an ex-partner if you consider him as a fallback. You can date someone else, but still be sure that if something goes wrong, you can always go back to your ex. This does not allow you to build new relationships with full dedication, as there is a firm belief that no matter what the outcome, you will not be left alone. But none of these relationships can be called full-fledged.
Friends with Benefits
You decide to separate, but sometimes meet to spend the night together. Sooner or later, one of the parties (or maybe both) will want something more than friendship. With this behavior, you emotionally attach yourself to your former partner, begin to build illusions about him, think that he is better than you thought. But, as soon as you resume the relationship, disappointment may set in. It can also come if the former partner wants to end your dates by entering into a new relationship.
Fear of offending
The phrase "Let's be friends" from the mouth of the speaker most likely means that he wants to remain good in your eyes and is afraid to offend you with the decision to end it. The injured party may perceive this as a false hope for the resumption of relations in the near future. You can part in a good way, but at the same time not be friends. It is quite normal when, after a breakup, a man and a woman can calmly communicate and sometimes be in the same company. But this is not friendship, but rather the usual relationship of two familiar people.