4 reasons that a marriage is falling apart. Why marriages fail. What needs to be done so that the marriage does not break up. Long absence of one of the spouses

22.04.2019

The circumstances indicated in the first paragraph are understandable, and there is no point in considering them.
At first glance, it seems that the reasons for divorce are endless. However, this set boils down to several main reasons for the breakdown of marriages.

V Soviet times in the application for divorce, it was necessary to indicate the reason for the termination of the marriage. Most often they wrote like this: "They did not agree in character." Now it is not necessary to indicate the reason, but if you ask a question, the absolute majority will again say about the dissimilarity of characters (I confess, when I got divorced myself, in court session indicated this reason - for the judge to make a decision as soon as possible).

What is this - "dissimilarity of characters"? This is a mistake in choosing a spouse, which is usually made by young people, blinded by a sudden outbreak of passion. Falling in love eventually passes, but does not become love. And after a few months it suddenly turns out that the spouse is not at all the ideal you were striving for. Moreover, in a spouse, traits that you did not even know about suddenly open up, and you really do not like these character traits. Then they say: "they did not agree in character." In fact, everything is simpler - there was no love, and there was no desire to build love. And it is good when the spouses understand in time that they will not have happiness together, they disperse, and each go his own way.

Modern psychologists say nothing about love. Probably this area human relations they have not been studied. Modern psychologists believe that there are only three main reasons for the breakdown of marriage: sex, money, career.

Psychologists argue that instincts inherited from animals play the main role in human life. A man is built in such a way that he has a desire for sex with many women. And the woman, on the contrary, is stable in this matter. And therefore, after a few years of a happy family life, a man suddenly loses his “pronounced sexual interest to my wife ”, and her interest is only developing. Therefore, if the basis of marriage is only the sexual interest of partners in each other, such a marriage falls apart. Or does not break up if the man walks right and left, and the spouse is satisfied with this state of affairs. By the way, statistics say that 75% of all divorces are based on sexual dissatisfaction of one or both spouses. And most of the divorces for this reason are initiated by dissatisfied women.

Divorce over money, let's not be hypocritical, has also become commonplace. Fortunately or unfortunately, but the saying "with a lovely paradise and in a hut" in modern society is no longer relevant. Marriage is not only a union of two loving people, it is also a joint venture to raise money and material resources to ensure the quality of life. Often one of the spouses (usually a woman) is financially dependent on the other, and this is considered normal. But it often happens that with the achievement of financial independence, a spouse who had previously received support from a partner suddenly slams the door and says, "why do I need him now?" leaves. It happens that another spouse leaves, for whom the thought that now very little depends on him becomes unbearable, and now he is not the only breadwinner.

Passion for a career and striving for success in the professional field are quite often the reasons for divorce. The spouse constantly disappears at work, there is no time for family life, and the union, which seemed happy until recently, falls apart. It also happens that the family is destroyed because one of the spouses (usually a man) for some reason does not allow the woman to grow professionally, is jealous of the partner of his work and career. And the modern emancipated woman more and more often does not want to be only a housewife, she is interested and important in work and career. And the family is crumbling.

Of course, divorces also occur for other reasons: betrayal, jealousy, drunkenness, and even political disagreements between family members - this small unit of society and the state. Well, I confess that the main reason for divorce is the lack of love. Therefore, love each other!

Love each other! Live together and enjoy every minute of family life!

Today the institution of the family has lost its value and importance. Look around, look at friends and relatives, how many of them managed to maintain warmth, understanding, trust and love in a relationship?

According to statistics, it has been proven that almost half of married couples does not stand the test of time and disintegrate. What caused the divorce? Why is there such a high percentage of broken families?
Psychologists call the following factors the key reasons for divorce:

1. Expectations turned out to be a myth, not a reality

V candy-bouquet period lovers look at everything with their eyes in pink glasses... When young people begin to live together, the veil gradually subsides and the spouses see each other in a new way. Each of the newlyweds shows their essence, shows character, which does not always turn out to be “pink and fluffy”.

2. Lack of trust and understanding

Most often, such a problem exists in those relationships where there is a negative from the past (betrayal in a past relationship), or one of the spouses is too jealous and unable to control their emotions, putting forward various, sometimes unfounded claims.

3. Living with parents

Not every young couple has the financial ability to buy a separate home and are forced to share shelter with the husband's / wife's parents. Unfortunately, such a decision always has a sad ending. Quarrels of a domestic nature, personal hostility, unwillingness to obey, or an overestimated passion for control and moralizing provoke disagreements that develop into scandals.

4. Alcoholism

Living together with a person who cannot imagine his existence without a glass of alcohol has no rational grain and meaning. Daily reproaches and scandals, showdown, inappropriate behavior, drinking and drinking - all this turns family life into hell.

5. Physical or mental abuse

Constant nagging and claims unfounded jealousy, inappropriate bouts of rage and anger that may be accompanied by beating is not only a complete collapse for family relations, but also an incredible danger to human health and life.

6. Treason

Lack of spiritual and physical intimacy testifies that this is no longer a family, but two completely strangers. You cannot forgive betrayal, because the one who was able to betray once will definitely do it again.

7. Early marriage

At the peak of interest and passion, young people rush to register their relationship. As life testifies, this decision most often wrong.

8. Inability to live together or long-term absence of one of the spouses

Work that means long business trips or frequent trips, work abroad, the forced living of one of the spouses separately - all this leads to the fact that trust and understanding are lost, the relationship blows cold.

9. Selfishness and high demands of one of the spouses

Someone in a couple puts themselves above all other family members. Only his beliefs, thoughts and goals are of value and importance. Or a situation when a husband / wife manifests themselves as owners, controls any contacts and communication between their halves, and puts on other shoulders the embodiment of their dreams and desires into reality.

10. Lack of interest

Everyday life fills family relationships so much that no attention is left to romance and the expression of feelings. The spouses cease to pay enough attention to each other, the intimacy of an intimate nature passes into the stage of commitment, as a result of which attraction disappears, the feeling “I am superfluous here” appears.

Marriage, like any relationship, is not always perfect. The key to a successful marriage is maintaining a balance of understanding and giving in. As soon as one begins to neglect this responsibility, the plane called "Family" loses its balance and crashes. The reasons that can lead to a breakdown in relations and a cooling of spouses to each other are actually very simple:

The expectation that your spouse will change.

This is a problem that most couples face. Young people do not always realize that they are getting married with an already formed mature personality, which cannot be changed, and it is not necessary. They think that if a person loves, then he should change for the sake of his beloved. But if you are together, does this mean that you signed an agreement to accept him as he is, as you love him. Very often the expectations of the spouses are directed towards each other, and this is the wrong approach. Turn to yourself: what is missing in you, what you can do to make your relationship better, and you can change for the sake of someone. And only after realizing how difficult it is to change your habits, you can realize the impossibility of changing your chosen one. It is impossible to change the other, but it is possible to try to change your attitude towards what is happening. Learn to express your feelings in order to improve your relationship, and not to criticize and complain. Communication promotes mutual understanding and the fact that we will look at what is happening through the eyes of our spouses.

To talk is not to communicate.

Very often a marriage breaks up due to the lack of mutual communication. People mistakenly believe that if they interact in a conversation, then they are communicating. But in reality, communication should be deeper, and not formal. Communication is the main way to learn more friend about a friend. The greater a person's ability to truly communicate, the deeper the satisfaction from the relationship experienced by both partners. Differences between two people living side by side will very soon become apparent. If these differences are not discussed, they will inevitably lead to confusion and conflict. Through communication, married people get to know each other, share their desires and needs, and resolve differences. Communication is the foundation of marriage.

Inability to manage time.

In the hustle and bustle modern world time is getting very important aspect family life, it is not always enough for our halves. The inability to properly manage their time often becomes the reason for the distance between spouses from each other. The spouses are together, as it were, but not. It is very important to make time for your spouse and devote this time only to him / her. The most precious thing that a person can devote to his spouse is time and attention.

Lack of intimate life in marriage plays an important role in the distance between spouses.

This is an essential part of the Islamic duty, essential for happy marriage without disappointment. Sexual satisfaction is also a significant part of family life. Sexual satisfaction is a sign of love, mutual respect, and emotional attachment. Intimate life is inseparable from family relationships, and the stronger mutual respect, love and affection, the stronger the marriage.

Lack of attention.

Many spouses complain about the lack of attention in marriage. Lack of attention gradually alienates spouses from each other. The problem here largely lies in the fact that everyone expects from the spouse, but does not give in return. As a result, dependent relationship when one is ready to give his attention only when he receives it himself.

The material side.

Unfortunately money and material goods play an important role in family life. Money question often leads to a deterioration in relations between spouses. In this matter, everything is stable as long as the commandments prescribed to husbands and wives by Islam are not violated. The husband is the head and breadwinner of the family. Making money to support your wife is male duty... A Muslim is obliged to fulfill his obligations. This applies to everyone: both men and women.

Inability to forgive.

We have already talked about the fact that marriage is doomed to failure if the spouses do not know how to give in and treat each other with understanding. The same goes for forgiveness. Nobody is perfect, neither you nor your spouse. Accept people for who they are, with all their flaws. If you keep long grudges, then mental wounds they may not drag on and disturb for a long time, forcing them to torment their chosen one with eternal accusations.

The wrong choice of partner is the main reason for divorce in the world. According to statistics, every second marriage falls apart. And this is by no means the limit, it is quite possible that the family as the "basic unit of society" will disappear altogether as unnecessary. It's hard to imagine what will replace it. V best case This will civil marriage, at worst, some kind of Swedish alternative. In the face of such prospects, it becomes a pity for our traditional, proven, "legal" relations for centuries.

Why yes why

Why do people get divorced? It seems that everything begins so wonderfully: warm hugs, kisses in the moonlight, ardent and quite sincere assurances of eternal love... What else do you need? Why does the love story end at one point, and the lovers again rush to the registry office in order to quickly get rid of the need for daily contemplation of the once dearest half?

You can hear a lot of options, ranging from the proletarian-rude: "I can't see this goat anymore!" But quite expected revelations like "he drank, beat, smoked and walked" are rarely heard. It turns out that these arguments are on the list of reasons that family hearth, do not take the first place.

What's the matter is hard to say. Maybe men realized the perniciousness of such behavior (hard to believe) or for wives it is no longer a problem (even less believable), or women, at last, are tired of the unsuccessful struggle with male drunkenness, debauchery and began to perceive these "weaknesses" not as a reason for divorce, but as a reason not to marry (I can't believe it at all). It is inexplicable, but the fact is that the leading position in the black list of the enemies of the family is occupied not at all by these costs of male unbridledness, but by a completely decent reason - the wrong choice of a partner.

Work on bugs

Newlyweds are often mistaken because they do not really know what a life partner should be. The first insights and reconciliation of one's own preferences and tastes with reality usually occur after Mendelssohn's march is over. This is the whole trick: first you have to have a complete picture of each other, and then you can think about getting married. How to do it?

Psychologists advise to write a description potential partner, with which you can not only twist love, but also plan long term relationship... By the way, the options "love" and "long-term relationship" are very different, so you can make two lists or three, or as many as you need. All the same, none of them, being a cross between youthful fantasies, cliches and mother's instructions, has not the slightest chance of materialization. So you will have to rely on your own intuition, especially since there is nothing else left.

Young green

After embarrassing mating mistakes, the often-cited cause of marital disasters is the "emotional immaturity" of the couple. "Immature" are most often early marriages... Boys and girls have not yet forgotten children's fairy tales about happy love, filling the soul with happiness and pacification, still stir up vague memories of the fragile youthful psyche, and then the hormones leaped up - so a completely immature decision is "ripening". And what? Adults, we have a passport, and we can afford family life. The program usually ends at this point, since not a single fairy tale tells what Alyonushka and Ivanushka had after wedding night.

And there was, it turns out, a lot of unknown things. And heaps of dirty socks, and mountains of unwashed dishes, and an eternally hungry husband, and a wife dissatisfied with his earnings. Harsh family everyday life stone upon stone does not leave a fabulous charm. "You were in a hurry," the parents complain, "In a hurry," friends support. "What is, that is," - agree the young and scatter to different sides... The case, although clinical, is very common. It is diagnosed as "they have not done their own thing", which is quite natural at twenty years old, somewhat strange at thirty, and after forty it is a serious pathology that most often affects men. As the saying goes, "gray hair in the beard ...".

Request: do not confuse gray vegetation on male face with blooming woman balzac age... At forty-five, the berry baba is ripe for creating or re-creating strong family relationships. The gray-haired husband, struck by the devil in the rib, goes into all the hard for other purposes. In a hurry to get some pleasures, until the body has sung the "swan song", he starts at a brisk trot after the young, losing his family, health and remnants of his mind along the way.

Pass to the left

For family life, a crisis is a common and predictable phenomenon (1, 3, 7 and so on for years). Not all of them lead to such sad ending like a divorce, but only those that did not lend themselves to settlement. Sexual boredom can be such a difficult problem for a seasoned spouse. Over the course of the past years, the novelty of sensations is lost, and in its search, more often than not, adultery, which by themselves do not yet provoke a break in relations, but sometimes they can even strengthen them. Clash of positions leads to divorce.

Men and women have different attitudes towards side trips. For men, as you know, sex is not yet a reason for dating, latently they understand that they are doing something bad, so they try with all their might to hide their shura-mura. Well, if this fails, they are sincerely perplexed: "What have I done, why get a divorce ?!" This position stems not from the primitiveness of the device of male reasoning (although from this too), but from the predetermination of the male, laid down by mother nature: taking care of the safety and growth of humanity, she obliged the male to impregnate as many females as possible. But humanity quickly multiplied, and the need for mass insemination disappeared by itself. It disappeared, but the call of the ancestors remained - you cannot argue with the genetic memory.

Women rarely fall for sex for the sake of sex. Unlike a husband, a wife goes to the side not for sexual pleasures, but for admiration, worship, adoration. In general, behind everything that is included in the concept of flirting, so significant for women. It is the reliance on spiritual contact that makes women's "spree" more dangerous for family well-being than men's short-term "mating". A woman needs certainty in everything: she fell in love with another - down with the former. And she either leaves herself, or drives out her husband caught in treason. You can, of course, advise wives to be more tolerant of men's efforts to save humanity from extinction, and husbands will not hurt to remember more often that a wife is also a person and needs attention. But, most likely, these recommendations will remain purely theoretical.

Green serpent

However, it is still not worth completely discarding drunkenness. Although this is not the leading one, it is quite a high percentage of divorces. What can I say to this: living with a drunkard is difficult, sometimes unbearable and, by and large, unnecessary. Not for his sake, not for himself, and even more so, not for the sake of children. Alcoholism is a disease, but voluntarily acquired, and the alcoholic is to blame for this. Let him do it himself.

You can, of course, spend your life on the fight against alcoholism of your spouse and save, persuade, heal, waste energy, money and time. But usually these efforts are unsuccessful. If the "sufferer" really wants to be cured, he will do it without your help, and if not, then help, do not help ... A person always has a choice, if someone decided to drown his life in a bottle, it is not necessary to keep him company ...

Getting into a relationship is much easier than getting out of it later. It is important that you remember this when you associate your life with a person, even if you are loved, but not suitable for you. Carefully weigh the pros and cons, so as not to add your presence to the sad statistics of Russian divorces.

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If you have not been married yet or are just preparing for the wedding, but already want to officially register your marriage, then you can register your relationship through the virtual registry office. Yes, yes, you heard right - that's right! What a joke! Try it. Feel like a husband or wife. Refresh in your memory those voluptuous moments of marriage - in the case when years have passed since that moment! Instant registration of your union and for memory - Certificate of marriage.

Age Gap Marriages and Their Pitfalls

Marriages with big difference in age is no longer a rarity, but in society such unions are treated very ambiguously. If the age difference is more than 10 years, then those around them not only negatively perceive this fact, but also believe that such a union will not last long! People around are judged superficially, believing that people get married for convenience, and not necessarily because of money. They do not take into account feelings at all! Meanwhile, such marriages can be strong and happy, but the spouses will have to overcome some difficulties.

To a marriage between a man and a woman who is divided too a big difference aged modern society treats with a certain degree of prejudice: they say, if such an unconventional couple is bound by the bonds of Hymen, something is wrong here. For this, there must be a very good reason ... And I love ... a rich man! Of course, ardent feelings are a sufficient reason for marriage. Most people, borrowing from Stanislavsky his catchphrase: “I don’t believe, I don’t believe, and again - I don’t believe!”, Will tend to think that the reason lies in the wealth of one of the newly-minted spouses.

They love some, but they get married ...

According to statistics, only 10 out of 100 marriages are concluded for great and bright love. Let's try to figure it out; why men love some, marry others. Unfortunately or fortunately, not all marriages are made in heaven. According to statistics, only 10 out of 100 marriages are concluded for great and bright love. Young people today even joke about this: “Marriage is not a lottery. You have a chance in the lottery. ”… Marriage is becoming an endangered relationship. More than a half couples prefer so-called free relationship- civil marriage. And yet men do marry.

The favorite clients of psychotherapists, which make up a whole third, are divorced women and men. It is not for nothing that doctors, when calculating the risk of suicide on a point scale, take into account and marital status the patient. Divorce is plus one to potential suicide.

In 2012, the United Nations recognized Russia as the country with the most high rate divorce rate. Russia is followed by Belarus, Ukraine, Moldova, the Cayman Islands and the United States. Every third marriage breaks up. Why is it that not so long ago happy couple does not want to see each other, does the spouse turn from a cat / sun / other animal or astronomical object into the most hated creature?

Divorce statistics have three peaks of their maximum.

The first point of the emotional extremum falls on the nearest time after Mendelssohn's march - up to three years. So marriages, concluded thoughtlessly, hastily, according to “ Great love"Or" flying through "when the husband and wife do not really know each other and do not know what will be required of them in marriage. Forced marriage ("well, you're a man, I'm pregnant and you have to marry me"), excessive demands on a partner, high expectations - all this replaces the former romance of falling in love with disappointment.

American lawyers say that the first year of marriage is the time when couples most often come to divorce. Conflicting spouses are advised to think it over carefully and postpone it. "The biggest thing is, they come back to us in two years." During this time, the couple tries to find common ground again, but these attempts often fail. "Irreconcilable differences," as the common wording goes.
2. The second peak causes the birth of a child. The fundamentally changed microcosm - “there were two of us, and now there are three of us” - knocks out the established order from the usual rut. Before pregnancy, the wife was good, caring, attentive to her man (if any). For 9 months due hormonal changes or obsession with my condition (“I’m pregnant, carry me in your arms”), the atmosphere in the family could change. And if the doctor has forbidden intimacy, this is an additional test for the man.

Finally giving birth. And everything seemed to be working out, but ... This little creature she cries all the time, does not let her sleep, the wife hurts from feeding and pumping, there is no sex (she cannot, she has some stitches), the woman is more interested in the color of the diaper contents than the state of her husband and his business at work. Deal with family affairs on her own, of course, she does not want to, and seeks to shift some of them onto her husband.

"Can't she run the house, look after the child, go shopping and be beautiful?" nervous woman with folds on the sides, who, moreover, has a T-shirt on her chest all the time from milk, requires his help.

Raising a child is hard work for both spouses, but not everyone realizes it. A small third is always difficult, including materially. More responsibilities more problems, more nerves and worries, less free time and money. With the appearance of a child in the family, life will no longer be the same as it was before his birth.

The difficulties that have arisen exacerbate the problems already existing in the couple. Especially if the child was not desirable for someone. A sense of duty often interferes with parting - “the child needs a family”. Whether this is a family, if the spouses cannot hear and understand each other and come to a compromise, it is difficult to say.

Children in family conflicts are the most vulnerable link. Especially through a child, they try to manipulate their soul mate or try to discredit a partner in his eyes. This will bring nothing but negative and trauma to an innocent child's psyche. Therefore, if family boat has cracked and is ready to drown in the abyss of divorce, the child should be protected from parental conflicts so that he does not see or hear their quarrels. “Your mom and I realized that the love between us is over and we will live separately, but we still love you and will take care of you” is an ideal, but unfortunately rarely applicable, formulation of what a child should know.

The third peak in divorce, oddly enough, occurs in older couples 60 and older. The children grew up and left the nest, you no longer need to take care of them, and sometimes people begin to feel the need to live “for themselves” - without looking back at the other person and pacifying their interests for his own. It is driven by banal fatigue from everyday life. “They put the children on their feet, what else do they want from me?” - with these words they set off to draw up papers for divorce. About "grow old together and die in one day" speech and does not come close.

How can you avoid divorce?

Compare all the pros and cons that will appear in front of you if you do get divorced. In marriage, people live if they are better together than separately. Make a list for yourself positive qualities your soulmate - maybe this is still a person who is quite in your taste. It is not for nothing that you once said “Yes”;
Less nagging. In an atmosphere of criticism and demands, love, no matter how strong it may initially seem, will not last long. Learn to restrain your anger and analyze the reasons for its occurrence - is the reason for the dispute worth the nerves spent on it;
Have a dialogue. Sometimes it is enough just to listen to your spouse. In the end, they want to see you as a friend so that you don't have to resort to the help of other friends / girlfriends;
Replace "I" with "we" periodically. There are two of you, after all. Common interests should come first;
Distribute responsibilities around the house. This will help to avoid any "not cleaned / not bought / not washed again". And be prepared to sometimes substitute for your partner - in turn, one day he will help you;
Be grateful. Praise your spouse for what he is doing, rather than taking it for granted. No " a real man must / woman must. " When a person feels grateful for his work, he wants to do more. It is much better, after all, when a spouse does something because he wants it himself, and not because he was forced, will you agree? ..
Respect each other's privacy. If your partner has any hobbies not to the detriment of the family, be happy for him;
Don't compare! Not with my mother, not with someone else's wife / husband, a successful neighbor - in no case. Otherwise, one day there will be someone who with the banal "you are the best" will entice your soul mate to him. Let this phrase sound from you;
Spend time together. And have fun with it. Meetings with friends, trips, joint hobbies - what brings positive emotions both, unites. In the class the most best friend there was always someone you could laugh with. Change the class to marriage - the principle is the same.

In conclusion, I would like to say the following. Your marriage was deliberate or thoughtless, do not break it. Running away from a problem is always easier than trying to solve it. Before filing for divorce, ask yourself one question: have you done everything in your power to make your family life did it work? Or did you do nothing and waited for everything to be done for you? Responsibility for your life lies entirely with you. If you want to be happy, be.