Relationship with parents. Actions inadmissible in relation to parents. Long absence from home

26.03.2019

Oh this eternal question fathers and children:

Why do children treat their parents badly?

I think that it is not a secret for anyone that we are treated the way we allow it, we ourselves treat people based on our own idea of ourselves and the world.
How we relate to ourselves is exactly the same as we relate to other people and the world in general. The attitude towards ourselves, the world and people is formed from how our parents treated us in childhood. It was their attitude towards us that shaped our attitude towards ourselves and other people.

Man gives to the world only what he has inside him.

Our life is a boomerang, only what we give back is returned to us.

By giving love we receive love, remaining indifferent we will receive indifference, betraying we will be a loyal one, leaving, we will be abandoned too. By inflicting pain on someone, we will get it ourselves.

Very often I come across situations when parents in old age suffer from disrespectful attitude of children, and sometimes even with their open cruelty. How many stories when children in old age simply mock their parents, leaving them homeless, taking away their last money.
Of course, those around you react in almost the same way, judging and blaming ungrateful children. Parents often wonder how it happened that by giving everything to the child, sometimes living for the children, the children respond with a cruel attitude towards their parents. Why is it that the parents who gave birth to the child gave “love” and practically everything that they had faced with the bad attitude of their own children.

Why do some children treat their parents badly?

If we analyze each case in detail, then during long research it turns out that the parents, without realizing, treated the child in the same way, covering up their cruel or insensitive attitude with care and love.One of my clients complained about her mother, resenting the fact that as soon as problems appear in her life, her mother first makes every effort to help, and then begins to get angry with her and feel tired of her and her problems. Feeling this attitude from loved one, she closed in herself and plunged deeply into her problems, refusing to help, feeling her rejection, abandonment and uselessness, and in some cases even betrayal. She could not understand why her mother treated her this way, although it seemed to her that she did everything for her mother, trying to help her in everything and solve her problems. Only a few years later, as a result of therapy, was she able to realize her deeply repressed feelings for her mother.
When her mother fell ill, instead of pity and a desire to help her, she felt inside herself irritation at her mother and disbelief in her illness. My patient was surprised to find that after several complaints from her mother about the disease, she begins to feel tired of her complaints and lamentations. She was surprised that at such moments she did not have love, pity and humanity, sincere desire help. She did everything that was needed for her mother only out of a sense of duty.
Her heart was not susceptible to maternal suffering. The more she felt fatigue and irritation inside herself, the more her mother's symptoms of illness progressed. She felt that her mother desperately needed her attention, care and love. Indeed, her mother desperately needed her daughter to behave with her like a small child, pitying, comforting her, hugging and caring. My client felt inside herself that her mother was just mocking her and torturing her.
Her heart was deaf to compassion, pity and love.

When she told me about her feelings for her mother during her illness, she suddenly switched to a memory from childhood, how one day her mother made her remove kittens from the yard early in the morning, which squeaked and did not allow her to sleep (my patient was afraid all her life to take hands of animals), at this moment she breaks off her story and says that she does not remember anything further.
I want to note that after that her mother told her how her mother (my patient's grandmother) forced her to care for the chickens, which she was mortally afraid.

Continuing her story, she begins to recall other similar episodes from childhood, how her mother was not at all interested in her feelings and fears and very often forced her to do things that caused her strong fear or shame.

Her mother, despite the fact that she was always caring, was deaf and insensitive to the feelings of her daughter.
It was for this reason that the daughter was immune to maternal suffering and her illness; moreover, she felt exactly the same feelings that her mother experienced in situations when her daughter needed her help.By realizing the nature of her relationship to her mother and understanding how the mother felt when she rejected her suffering on a deep level, she was able to discover the ability to feel love and compassion. It was not difficult for her to understand and feel through her experiences and feelings when the mother showed her her irritation and fatigue, what the mother felt in the moments of her suffering. She gradually began to change her attitude towards her mother, discovering in her heart the ability to sincere compassion and empathy.

Life lessons people come to us through men and relationships, through parents and relationships with them, and ultimately through children.

When in old age, left alone, one of us is faced with a bad attitude of children, with their indifference, inability to sincerely empathize with their parents, then these will probably be the last lessons that we can go through before we leave this life.

They say that any person who comes into our life comes to us for a reason.
In relationship partner is our mirror and through a partner we can explore ourselves and our inner world. Our children are our closest mirrors and through the attitude of children towards us, through our feelings and feelings that we feel in moments of quarrels or against the background of their general relationship, we can understand the feelings of children from our actions or words in the past.

Not only in relationships with the opposite sex is there an opportunity to take karmic lessons, exactly the same opportunities open up with parents and children. Faced with disrespectful attitude children, with their indifference and bad attitude, first of all ask yourself how you treated children, were you enough good parents for them. If you dedicated your life to a child, giving up your desires and your life, this does not mean that you were a good mother. This is from your point of view, or maybe your child did not need your sacrifices at all and he would like to see you happy first of all, discovering the opportunity to be happy too.

Before accusing children of treating you badly, think about what you did to make them that way. Remember it is never too late to change your attitude towards yourself and your children, to fill relationships with love and patience, and then the question will not arise: Why do children treat their parents badly?

Peace, love, goodness to your home.

In many families, there are conflicts between adult children and parents. Most often, this is a conflict between an adult daughter and mother. As for sons, they usually have their own lives, their own interests, they leave conflict situations, fathers also try to get away from disputes and quarrels.

But for mothers with daughters, the situation is different, they often have claims to each other. Why it happens?

As it was before

We humans belong to the natural world. How are relations between generations built there? Parents raise their young until they grow up to the size of an adult and learn to hunt and forage for their own food. After that, the parents part with them, and the children begin their own lives. More parents do not meet with their offspring. They have other worries, the female gives birth to cubs again, feeds them, protects them, teaches them useful skills so that they can get food and take care of themselves.

The same picture existed among the people. Every year women gave birth to children, fed them, looked after them, taught them the skills necessary in life. And then they became assistants: they helped around the house, worked in the fields, helped raise younger children.

Mother didn't mess with teenagers. She was already growing new baby, and she did it. And the older children quickly began an independent life.

Common occurrence: only child

V modern society everything is different. Often the child in the family is the only one, so all attention is paid to him. Parents are shaking over him, worried, suddenly something will happen to him. From here comes the overprotective. The child is not given the opportunity to show independence, to learn to cope with life's difficulties on his own.

The selfishness of the children we raised

Our children grow up to be selfish. We are ready to do everything for them. Since childhood, we rush to help them, fulfill their requests, our whole life revolves around them. Children get used to the idea that parents exist solely to fulfill their wishes. Mom and Dad must always be ready to help, support, help out, save.

Intervention in the lives of children

Some parents (more often mothers) actively intervene in the lives of their children. They believe that they have the right to tell them how to live, whom to choose as partners, when to have children, what to spend money on, etc. Parents give unsolicited advice, not realizing that their children are adults who live their lives, their destiny and want to dispose of it at their own discretion.

Mothers miss the moment when it's time to step out of the mentoring role and become a tactful friend who doesn't interfere when asked.

In fact, children need only one thing from their parents: to know that they are alive, healthy, prosperous, do not need, live their own lives and are happy with it. And most importantly, to know that parents are always ready to give up everything and come to the rescue if the children call them.

And when parents begin to climb with unsolicited advice, to express their opinion on any occasion, it is very annoying for children.

If you think your children are doing something wrong, realize that it is the fruit of your upbringing. You gave them an example with your life, your actions. They have absorbed everything that you gave them in childhood, and now they are realizing it in their lives.

Mom's inability to live her life

Mothers of adult children often do not know how to live their lives. In order to fill it with your own meaning, you need to make an effort, create a circle of acquaintances, find interesting activities... There are many possibilities for this: creativity, healthy image life, fitness, work, part-time work, travel, at least not far, etc.

If you have meaning in your life, your kids will respect you more. On the one hand, they may sometimes reproach you for why you do not fully devote yourself to them. On the other hand, if they see you as a person, it will earn them respect.

In short, don't go to extremes. We must try to maintain a balance between our life and the willingness to help children when necessary.

Many are annoyed by older people

There is one more nuance that is not customary to talk about. Many are annoyed by older people, since they belong to a different generation, they have a different mentality. Sometimes they seem backward, out-of-date (although, perhaps, in fact, this is not so!). Let's add here the reduced physical capabilities older people.

All of these reasons explain why grown children find it difficult to find mutual language with parents. But be that as it may, it is necessary to seek a compromise, smooth out sharp corners, find common ground. The main thing is to respect and try to understand each other.

With the name of Allah the Merciful, the Merciful

Praise be to Allah - the Lord of the worlds, peace and blessings of Allah to our prophet Muhammad, his family members and all his companions!

Answers on questions

Question 1: Father does deeds contrary to Sharia and Islamic culture of behavior, how should you treat him and behave with him?

Answer: We ask Allah for faithful guidance for your father, and that Allah lead him to the good of repentance. And we advise you to be gentle to him, admonish him in a kind manner and not despair that he will correct himself, according to the words of Allah, pure from all imperfection: “We commanded a person to do good to his parents. His mother wore it, exhaustion after exhaustion, and weaned it from her breast at two years old. Thank Me and your parents, for there is coming to Me. And if they fight with you, so that you will associate with Me companions about whom you have no knowledge, then do not obey them, but accompany them in this world in a kind way and follow the path of those who turned to Me. " Surah Lukman, verses 14-15.

The Almighty instructs the Almighty to thank the parents and thank Him, and orders the child to accompany the parents in this life kindly, even if they are fighting against him, wanting unbelief for him. Therefore, you know that it is established by the Shariah for you to accompany your father in a kind way and to behave well with him, even if he does badly towards you. Just be diligent in calling him to the truth, and maybe Allah will guide him because of you. And you are not allowed to obey him in what is disobedience to Allah. We also advise you in instructing him to seek help from Allah the Great and Mighty and then to the owners of good from your relatives, for example to paternal uncles and others - to those whom your father respects and values, so that he would accept their instructions. We ask Allah for us, for you and for him for correct guidance and success in sincere repentance, truly He is the Hearing, the Near. Peace be upon you, the mercy of Allah and His blessings.

"Majmu'a Fataawa va Makalyat", v. 5, v. 9

Question 2: Is the position of the mother higher than that of the father?

Answer: There is no doubt that the position of the mother is in many ways superior to that of the father. It was reliably transmitted from the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, that the questioner said: Replied: "Your mother" ... Asked: "Then who?" Replied: "Your mother" ... Asked: "Then who?" Replied: "Your mother" Asked: "Then who?" Replied: "Your dad". Replied: "Your mother" ... Asked: "Then who?" Replied: "Your mother" ... Asked: "Then who?" Replied: "Your mother". Asked: "Then who?" Replied:

"Majmu'a Fataawa va Makalyat", vol. 8

Question 3: The man was not pious towards his mother, but when Allah laid her to rest, he began to feel pain for this, and he hopes that Allah will remove this sin from him. He asks: what deeds can he do to become godly towards his dead mother?

Answer: He should repent to Allah Almighty and regret the neglect he has committed. There must be repentance for what was previously allowed. And if he is truthful in repentance and regret, then Allah will accept his repentance. As the Almighty said: “O believers! Turn to Allah with repentance all together - maybe you will succeed. " And He said, pure from all defects: « Truly, I forgive those who repented, believed, began to act righteously, and then followed the straight path. " The prophet said, peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him: "He who repents of sin is like one on whom there is no sin." He also said, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him: "Repentance erases what came before it." And at the same time, sadaqa (alms) was legalized for him on her behalf, and a dua for her about forgiveness and mercy, and respectful attitude to her friends and relatives and doing good for them - all this is from what is beneficial, erases that sin and in which one can count on doing good for his mother. Likewise, Hajj and Umrah on her behalf - all this is good.

Question 4: What is the position of Sharia law regarding obedience to parents in shaving a beard?

Answer: The answer to the first question: it is not allowed to obey the parents in shaving the beard, but it is imperative to let go and grow it in accordance with the words of the prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him: "Shorten your mustache and let go of your beards - be different from the polytheists." And him, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, with the words: "Truly submission is in what is approved."
Letting go of the beard is a duty (wajib) and is not simply a desirable action (sunnah) in legal terms. Because the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him, ordered it. The basis in the order is duty, and in in this case there is nothing to weaken this order.
May Allah lead you to all that is good and may Allah help you in good.

"Majmua fataua wa makalat", v. 8

Question 5: My father performed namaz and kept fasting, all praise be to Allah, but when he got old, he lost his memory, and now he does not know either prayer or fasting. Is it obligatory for me to visit him?

Answer: All the time that he is in this state - there are no duties on him (father). For one who has lost his mind, there is no obligation on him - neither fasting, nor prayer. As for visiting him, it is piety that you visit him, pay attention to him, treat him with respect, show diligence in what will benefit him and that will help his recovery. Or that you hire someone who will serve him and give him attention, and at the same time that you look after him and visit him, because the position of parents is great.

Question 6: What is the Sharia law regarding who donates to the poor, or donates from the property of his father, or from what is in the house, without telling the father or mother, donates to those who ask out of need? And at the same time, he does not know whether the parents will approve of it or not.

Answer: He is not allowed to spend anything without the permission of the owner of this property. If this is the mother's property, he asks her permission, and if this is the father's property, he asks his permission. Except for the situation when such spending without demand is accepted in their family, then this is not a problem. Like surplus food or something like that, where it is customary to give it to the poor, there is no problem. If this is a thing for which there is no custom in the family to spend it without permission, then permission must be asked; if this thing in relation to which there is a custom in the family to spend it without permission, then there is no need to obtain permission. The customs of people in cities, villages, steppes differ, and if the son knows that it is not the custom of father and mother to prohibit the expenditure of what he has spent, then there is no problem. And if he doubts this, then let him ask permission. If this concerns the property of the mother, then let him ask her permission, if from the property of the father, then let him ask his permission. And he should not spend in addition to what he knows that the parents allow spending it. And we ask Allah for help.

Question 7: I am a student, I wish to acquire knowledge, I have finished high school, and there is no university branch in my locality. I have to leave for another city, which is at least 600 kilometers away from us. My father does not accept such a trip. If I leave to study, knowing that my father is not happy about it, will I be a sinner?

Answer: There is a clarification in this question. If your father needs you, then it is obligatory for you to be with him, to fulfill his needs, to be pious towards him while fulfilling your duties, and more engaged in acquiring the desired knowledge. While staying on the spot, you can gain additional knowledge by listening to the programs "Nurun ala Ddarb", lessons broadcast by the radio station "Holy Quran", attending lectures in your city, attending Friday sermons in your city. And if your father has someone who will look after his needs, for example, someone from among your brothers, and, thus, he does not feel the need for your presence, then there is no difficulty for you to go to receive knowledge. And it is obligatory for your father to help you in this and not create obstacles. After all, the search for knowledge is one of the most important matters, and this is the best way to approach Allah. Said the prophet, peace be upon him: And it does not apply to the fact that unnecessarily and without the right to forbid you to leave for study. If he needs you, then piety to the father comes first. And we ask Allah for success for everyone.

Question 8: I intend to perform the Hajj for one of my parents, should I perform it for my father, who has already died, or for my mother? May Allah reward you with good.

Answer: If both of them have already died and did not perform the Hajj, then it is better to perform it for Mom. It's better to start with her, because her rights are greater. If she is alive, or has already performed the Hajj, then perform the Hajj for your father, and this will be a manifestation of piety towards him. If my mother did not perform the Hajj, then let her hope in Allah and if she can, you will help her in performing the Hajj, if she is able to make the Hajj. If she has already weakened with age, then perform the Hajj for her, and all praise be to Allah, you will receive a reward.

And briefly: if the position of mom and dad is the same, then mom has priority, and piety is shown to her first. According to the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, when the questioner said: "O Messenger of Allah, which of the people has the most rights to my good attitude towards him?" Replied: "Your mother" ... Asked: "Then who?" Replied: "Your mother" ... Asked: "Then who?" Replied: "Your mother" Asked: "Then who?" Replied: "Your dad". In another version, the questioner said: "O Messenger of Allah, who is more worthy of piety?" Replied: "Your mother" ... Asked: "Then who?" Replied: "Your mother" ... Asked: "Then who?" Replied: "Your mother". Asked: "Then who?" Replied: "Your dad and then close relatives."

Mother is given preference in piety, both living and dead, and if both parents died and did not perform the Hajj, then perform the Hajj first for the mother, then for the father - it is better that way. If you start with the father, then there is no difficulty in this, but in this way you leave what is best, and the best is to start with mother, and then father.
And if they are both alive and unable to perform the Hajj, then help both of them in performing the Hajj (helping to complete, or performing the Hajj for them in turn), and if you cannot, then start with your mother, since her rights are greater. May Allah lead everyone to success.

Question 9: I did the Hajj, and when I finished it, my father was angry with me because I did the Hajj without his permission. This was my first Hajj, what is his position?

Answer: The obligatory Hajj (first) does not need permission. You are obliged to do it, even if your father does not allow it, and even if your father and mother are unhappy with it. The prophet said, peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him: “Verily, obedience is in the approved, generally accepted. There is no submission to those created in disobedience to the Creator. " But, if you told him that you want to perform the Hajj, and you would present it good words, it would be in accordance with the culture of behavior according to Sharia. To say: "Dad, I will perform the obligatory Hajj, this is necessary," good expressions- that's how it will be good. If after that he resists, then you are not obliged to obey, on the contrary, you are obliged to perform the Hajj. But the fact that you talk to your father with good words, ask permission and inform him about the upcoming business is wonderful. This is good, and this is one of the things that do kind hearts... And if, nevertheless, he forbids you, then you are not obliged to obey, you are obliged to perform the Hajj, even if you disobey.

Question 10: I live in my own house, separate from my father. He has a shop with some types of goods. And my mother took something from this store without my father's knowledge and gave it to me. What I took is considered legal for me, or am I not allowed to take it?

Answer: With the name of Allah the Merciful, the Most Merciful. All praise be to Allah. Peace and blessings be on the Messenger of Allah, his family, companions and those who follow his leadership. And then:
If you are poor and your options are limited, and if what your mom gave you from the store does not hurt your father, then there is no problem. Because in this case he is obliged to spend on you, just as a wife can take from her husband's property if she needs it - even if he is not happy with it and if he does not know, because he is obliged to spend funds on her maintenance. And if you live in prosperity and your opportunities are wide, then you should not take anything from your father's property without his permission.

Question 11: If a father requires his son to divorce his wife, would obedience to him be considered a required religious piety towards his parents?

Answer: This question needs detailed consideration and the answer is not unambiguous. If the father's demand is justified by the fact that the wife has bad morals, or by the fact that she is bad in religion, or by other similar reasons, which oblige him to feel hatred and hostility towards her ... Her morals, or serious misconduct in household chores, or other reasons, the son obeys and gives her a divorce. And if his father is angry with her for no reason, or because she obeys the orders of Allah, professes religion well, is chaste for her husband, then he does not obey his father and does not give her a divorce. According to the prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him: "Verily, obedience is in the approved, generally accepted." And it is not approved that he obey his father, giving a divorce to a righteous wife. Thus, the answer depends on the situation, whether he is angry with her because of the harm done to her ...

Question 12: I have a relative, and at the same time he is my big and close friend to whom I wish well and fear evil for him. This guy has collected very good morals, constantly performs obligatory prayers in the mosque, and often attends religious lectures. About two years ago, his father divorced his mother and married another. His mother has several sons, but she stayed with him, because of his gentle and responsive attitude towards her. And one day his father, knowing that I was his close friend, said: "If you wish well for him, then instruct him, because he behaves badly towards me." And then he talked about how his son behaves towards him and how he doesn't treat him with respect. I promised to do a good deed and went to my friend. I reminded him of the importance of piety towards his parents, and that his piety towards his mother should not lead to forgetting about the duty of piety towards his father, and that his father has a right to him and this is important. His father had a bad relationship with his mother, but I will say: even if he was sometimes rude to his wife, whom he gave a divorce, nevertheless, as far as I know, he unswervingly made obligatory prayers, fulfilled duties towards his children and supported family ties... And I was very amazed by what my friend answered me. He said he was treating his father the way he deserved. That his father treats him badly and does not respect him, so he responds in kind to his father. I reminded him that it doesn't have to be this way. That even if the father hits his son, and if he speaks to him with bad words for no reason, and even in front of people, the son must endure. And what of religion, nobility and dignity - to obey the father and leave his disobedience. And what do you think of our dialogue? He answered me: “My father knows very well what he is capable of. And if he speaks to me or does to me as you said, then I will hit him, and let this be a lesson for others. " When I heard such words, I realized that my instruction was not accepted by them. And it turns out that he either does not know how great the sin of hurting his parents, or he disobeys Allah, knowing and understanding this. And I resort to Allah, then I turn to you for help. Maybe he will listen to you and come back to what is right. May Allah reward you with good.

Answer: With the name of Allah the Merciful, the Most Merciful. All praise be to Allah, peace and blessings be on the Messenger of Allah, his family, companions and those who followed his leadership. And then:
You have instructed this person, and you have done it beautifully. And he was wrong in what he told you. And he was malevolent towards his father. It is imperative for him to be pious to his father, to talk to him in the best words, remember about the father's rights to him. Even if the father divorced his mother, he still has great rights (to him). And mom has great rights. Both have great rights to him. Mom's rights are greater, but this does not block the way to give the father his due. It is imperative for your friend to act in fear of God, to feel that Allah is watching over him, to be pious to your father and to treat him well. And if his father does him evil, then he should not answer evil for evil, but let him answer evil with good, good words and in a good way... Let him make dua for his father, asking for good, a straight path and faithful guidance for him - this is his duty. And this is indicated by many texts from the Koran and Sunnah. The Majestic and Exalted Allah says in His great Book: "We have commanded a man to do good to his parents"... Surah "The Sands", verse 15. In another verse: "... be kind to your parents"... (Surah "The Spider", ayah 8). So says the Majestic and the Sublime: "Thank Me and your parents, for there is coming to Me." Surah Lukman, ayah 14. The Majestic and Exalted also says: “Worship Allah and do not associate partners with Him. Do good to your parents ... " Sura "Women", ayat 36. There are many ayats with a similar meaning. The Almighty says: “Your Lord has ordered you not to worship anyone but Him, and to do good to your parents. If one of the parents or both of them reach old age, then do not tell them: "Ugh!" - do not shout at them and address them respectfully. Bow before them the wing of humility according to your mercy and say: “Lord! Have mercy on them, because they raised me as a child. " Sura "Transfer at night", verses 23-24. And the prophet says, peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him, in an authentic hadith: "The satisfaction of Allah in the satisfaction of the parents, and the dissatisfaction of Allah in the dissatisfaction of the parents" ... And he, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, says: "Shall I tell you about the biggest sins?" We (the companions) said: "Of course, O Messenger of Allah"... He said: "Giving companions to Allah, bad attitude to parents and false testimony. " The hadith is narrated in two collections of authentic hadiths. Offense to parents is one of the greatest sins, and the prophet mentioned him, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, along with associating with Allah. It is imperative for this person and others to be pious to their father and to fear Allah in this. And even if the father behaves badly towards him, he should make dua for his father, asking for the right guidance for him and success in the right one. One should turn to the brothers of the father, who from among kind people, or to others, so that they instruct his father, addressing good words, and he would cease to be hard in relation to him and become soft. As for him, he is obliged to please his father, and his good behavior in front of his mother should not lead him into oblivion about the duty good behavior in front of my father. Let him be afraid of Allah and build relationships with his father in a good way. The Great and Great Allah said about his son, both of whose parents are unfaithful: "... accompany them in this world kindly ..." Surah Lukman, ayat 15. Kindly. And this despite the fact that the parents are unbelievers. But what if the parents are Muslims? May this friend of yours be afraid of Allah, repent of his bad deeds, may he be pious to his father, behave well with him, be gentle with him. Let him ask Allah for success and faithful guidance for him, let him turn for help to his uncles on his father's side, or to his mother’s uncles, or to his father’s friends, so that they do him good admonition so that he becomes more friendly to him, and treats him properly, kindly. This is from the side of helping in piety and piety. And we ask Allah for right guidance for everyone.

Question 13: I am a girl, I have five brothers, two of them are married. I work as a teacher. Some of my brothers work and some study. My father takes all my salary and gives it to my brothers, who spend it in different ways. Some of them buy books, some buy personal things, some of them get married for this money, some of them bought a car for this money, and some spent money in order to finish building their house. I am working long years and I, out of respect for my father and good relations with him, do not mind that they spent my money. I only wish the satisfaction of my parents. My question is: is it possible for my father to take all this money, given that I am very tired of earning it. May Allah reward you with good.

Answer: With the name of Allah the Merciful, the Most Merciful. All praise be to Allah, peace and blessings be on the Messenger of Allah, his family, companions and those who followed his leadership. And then:
Said the noble prophet in an authentic hadith: "Fear Allah and be equally fair between your children" ... Your father has the right to take something from your salary if he needs it to spend on the house and poor children. According to the prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him: "Truly the best of what you eat is what you have earned, and so is your children, what you have earned." Also on the words of a man: "O Messenger of Allah, my father squandered what belongs to me", - he replied, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him: "You and your property belong to your father." ... There is nothing wrong with him taking what he needs from your property or the property of his other children. This is provided that there will be no harm to you or other children from whom he takes any of the property. Let him take from your property as much as will not harm you, and let him take from the property of other children as much as will not harm them, if he needs to spend on himself, his wife and small needy children. And as for the fact that he took your money to spend on other (not indigent) children, this is not allowed, except from your contentment, and except if you allow it out of the kindness of your soul, you allow him to spend on it - in such there is nothing wrong with that. If not, then it is not allowed for him. And if he takes your money to spend on himself and the poor children, on whom he is obliged to spend, then there is no problem, and this is not injustice. And if you need something, then your need comes first. Like your need to buy clothes, study books, or other needs. And what exceeds your needs, then your father can spend on what he needs. But this does not apply to the fact that he would give this money to other children to build a house and similar purposes, but it does not apply to spending on what is charged with spending - on poor children who need help from their father - this is not nothing wrong. And if you allow him to spend all his salary as he wishes, then there is no problem, all praise be to Allah.

Question: Some fathers are convinced that the hadith of the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him, “You and your property belong to your father,” has absolute meaning, and there are no restrictions for him. What would you tell them about this?

Answer: In this case, scientists put in the first place the restriction of leaving harm, according to the words of the prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him: "No harm done and no harm done in return" ... That is, the Sharia rule is that one should not harm one another. This son should not harm another son and this daughter of another daughter, but they take from their property based on what they need and do not harm. And if, for example, a daughter has her own little children, whom there is no one to take care of, then the father is not supposed to take something from her property that would harm her and her children, the needs of her and her children are put in the foreground. And if, for example, she needs clothes, books for studying them and the like, then it is necessary that he leave her something that will give her to cover her needs. Shouldn't take everything from her. The rule here is "No harm and no harm in return." And it is necessary that he leave her as much as is enough for her to satisfy her needs. It is allowed to take from something that exceeds the amount necessary to cover her needs. And also, if it is a son, it is left to him, his wife and children as much as they need. Harm must be avoided.

Question: May Allah reward you with good, but what about if the questioner wants to spend money on her wedding, or on the construction of a mosque, or to help someone in need - how then can these costs be reconciled with the costs of the father?

Answer: Her father's rights are more important than the mosque. And other similar expenses.

Question: And if, for example, her father lives in abundance?

Answer: He takes from her what is above her needs. And piety for parents is more important than building a mosque. And also her needs for clothing, food, child support are more important than the cost of her father. But what she has that exceeds her needs - her father can take it and spend on his needs. This is how we combine the aforementioned hadiths.

Question 14: My question is about an event that happened to me about a year and a half ago. I almost die of fear of Allah's punishment. I hope you can judge for me if I really am so sinful. Help me and may Allah help you, and may Allah help you, blog talk about what you are doing. The event is as follows: I loved my father, but misunderstandings began to arise between me and him in family matters... Despite them, I loved him and he loved me. But these misunderstandings led to constant daily disagreements with my father. And one day my father fell ill and went to the hospital. When he came out, the doctor told his mother that the father did not get rid of the health problem, because the problem was in his excitement and nerves, and he could die because he could no longer bear any nervous shock. Mom did not tell us about this, and so it was three months after he returned from the hospital. Then there was a problem between us, and it turned him away from me. He also had other troubles that day and from them he had a nervous shock. He went to the hospital and died. Tell me, am I to blame, and what do I need to do according to Sharia?

Answer: You do not owe anything, because you did not want to harm him, and you did not know about the problems that the doctor warned about. If Allah wills, there is nothing wrong with you. And problems happen between people all the time, it is impossible to get rid of it. And you are like other people in this, there is nothing on you, if Allah wills. There is no reimbursement because these are common situations that happen between people. It happens between a son and a father, between brothers, between a husband and wife. There is nothing special in this, if Allah wills.

And in conclusion, praise be to Allah - the Lord of the worlds!

Natalia Kaptsova - integral neuroprogramming practitioner, expert psychologist

Reading time: 13 minutes

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Oh, those parents! First make us walk in Kindergarten and wash your hands before eating, put away toys and tie your shoelaces, then get an education, behave culturally, not communicate with bad guys and put on hats in the cold. Years pass, we have our own babies, and we ... all continue to rebel against the parental "yoke" ... What is the complexity of the relationship between us, adults, and already elderly parents? And how can we understand each other?

The main problems in the relationship between elderly parents and adult children - solutions.

Growing up children are a constant internal conflict: love for parents and irritation, a desire to visit them more often and a lack of time, resentment at misunderstanding and the inevitable feeling of guilt. There are many problems between us and our parents, and the older we are with them, the more serious the conflicts between generations. The main problems of older "fathers" and matured children:

Elderly parents, due to their age, "start" p irritability, moodiness, touchiness and categorical judgments. In children, not enough patience , no strength to react to similar changes properly.

The anxiety level of older parents sometimes rises above the maximum level. And few people think that unreasonable anxiety is associated with diseases of this age.
Most elderly parents feel lonely and abandoned. Children are the only support and hope. Not to mention that sometimes children become almost the only thread of communication with outside world... Communication with children and grandchildren is the main joy for elderly parents. But our own problems seem to us a sufficient excuse to "forget" to call or "not be able" to come to them.

Habitual caring for your children is often grows into excessive control ... In turn, grown-up children do not want, as in school days, to be held accountable for their every action. Control is annoying, and irritation over time turns into conflict.
Old man's world sometimes narrows down to the size of his apartment: work stays abroad retirement age, nothing depends on the important decisions of the elderly person, and participation in public life also in the past. Closing in 4 walls with your thoughts and anxieties, old man turns out to be alone with his fears. Observation develops into suspiciousness and suspicion. Trust in people dissolves in various phobias, and feelings are splashed out with indignation and reproaches on the only people who can listen - on children.

Memory problems. It's good if the old people just forget about your birthday. It’s worse when they forget to close doors, taps, gas valves, or even their way home. And, unfortunately, not all children have a desire to understand this age problem and "back up" your parents.
Vulnerable psyche. Due to age-related changes in the brain, people in old age are very sensitive to criticism and inadvertently thrown words. Any reproach can cause long-term resentment and even tears. Children, cursing at the "capriciousness" of their parents, do not see the need to hide their dissatisfaction - they are offended in response or quarrel according to the traditional scheme "you are unbearable!" and "Well, what have I done wrong again ?!"

You have to live separately with your parents. Everyone knows that to coexist under one roof two completely different families- hard. But "love from afar" many children perceive as the need to reduce communication to a minimum. Though separate residence does not at all imply non-participation in the life of the parents. Even being at a distance, you can "stay close" to your parents, supporting them and taking part in their lives.
For mom and dad, their child will be a child even at 50. Because u parental instinct there is no "expiration date". But grown-up children no longer need the "annoying advice" of old people, their criticism and educational process- “why again without a hat?”, “Why do you need to go there”, “you wash the refrigerator incorrectly,” etc. A grown-up child gets irritated, protests and tries to stop this “interference” in his personal life.

Health becomes more and more precarious every year. Once young, but now trapped in the bodies of old people, parents find themselves in a situation where it is difficult to do anything without outside help, when there is no one to “give a glass of water”, when it’s scary that no one will be there at the time of a heart attack. Young, busy children understand all this, but still do not feel their responsibility for their relatives - “Mom again talked on the phone for an hour and a half about her sores! At least once I would have called to ask - how are things with me personally! " Unfortunately, for most children, awareness comes too late.
Grandmothers and grandchildren. Growing up children believe that grandmothers are meant to babysit their grandchildren. Regardless of how they feel, whether they want to babysit, whether older parents have other plans. The consumer attitude quite often turns into conflict. True, the opposite situation is not uncommon: grandmothers visit their grandchildren almost every day, reproaching the “negligent mother” for the wrong educational approach and “breaking” all the educational schemes built by this “mother”.

Any newfangled trends are perceived with hostility by conservative elderly parents. They are satisfied with striped wallpaper, old favorite chairs, retro music, a familiar approach to business and a whisk instead of a food processor. It is almost impossible to convince parents to change furniture, move, throw away "this terrible picture" or buy a dishwasher. Also perceived with hostility and modern image the lives of grown-up children, shameless youth, silly songs and manner of dress.
More and more often thoughts of death slip into conversations. Children, being annoyed, refuse to understand that in old age talking about death is not a horror story to scare children, and not a "game" on their feelings in order to "bargain" for themselves more attention(although this happens), but a natural phenomenon. A person begins to relate to death the more calmly, the higher the age bracket. And the desire to foresee in advance the problems of children associated with the death of their parents is natural.

An older person's mood swings are not easy "Capriciousness", but very serious changes in hormonal status and the body as a whole. Do not rush to get angry with your parents - their mood and behavior does not always depend on them. Someday, having taken their place, you yourself will understand this.

The rules for communicating with elderly parents are help, attention, family traditions and cute rituals.

Think about the little ones family traditions - for example, a weekly Skype session with your parents (if you are hundreds of kilometers apart), lunch at family circle every Sunday, weekly family gathering for a picnic or "get-together" in a cafe every second Saturday.

We get annoyed when in again parents are trying to teach us about life. But it's not about the advice our parents give us, but about the attention. They want to feel needed, and they are afraid of losing their importance. It is not at all difficult to thank Mom for the advice and to say that her advice was very helpful. Even if you do it your way later.
Let your parents be caring. There is no point in constantly proving independence and "adulthood." Let mom and dad scold for the lack of a hat in the cold, pack pies "with you if you get hungry" and criticize for being too frivolous appearance- this is their "job". Be condescending - you will always be a child for your parents.
Don't try to reform your parents. They love us for who we are. Give them the same - they deserve it.

Be considerate of your parents ... Do not forget to call them and come to visit. Bring grandchildren and demand from their children that they also call their grandparents. Take an interest in your health and be always ready to help. Regardless - whether you need to bring medicine, help with cleaning windows or fixing a leaky roof.
Create a parenting activity. For example, buy them a laptop and teach them how to use it. On the Internet, they will find a lot of useful and interesting things for themselves. In addition, modern technological innovations force the brain to work, and by retirement you can even find a pleasant "bonus" to find a job on the Internet (freelance), not without the help of children, of course. And most importantly, you will always be in touch. If Dad loves working with wood, help him set up a workshop and find necessary materials... And mom can be introduced to one of the types of hand-made art - fortunately, there are a lot of them today.

Don't exploit your parents - "You are a grandmother, so your task is to sit with your grandchildren." Maybe your parents dream of driving around the Russian heights and photographing landmarks. Or they just feel bad, but they cannot refuse you. Your parents gave you their whole life - they deserve the right to rest. If the situation is the opposite, do not refuse parents to meet with grandchildren. Nobody will “spoil” your children (they didn’t spoil you), but a little “spoiling the kids” - this has not hurt anyone yet. Remember yourself, grandparents are always the closest people after your parents. Who will always understand, feed / drink and never betray. For children, their affection and love are extremely important.

Often, elderly parents flatly refuse to accept material assistance from children and even help themselves to the best of their ability. Do not sit on your parents' neck and do not consider this behavior natural. Parents always need help. When treating parents as a consumer, consider that your children are looking at you. And imagine that after a while you will be in the place of your parents.
Old people feel lonely. Manage to find time and patience to listen to their problems, advice, stories about the days in the garden, and even criticism. Many adult children, losing their parents, then feel guilty for their irritation until the end of their lives - “a hand reaches for the receiver, I want to hear a voice, but there is no one to call”. Choose your words when talking with your parents. Do not upset them with rudeness or accidentally dropped "blunder" - elderly parents are vulnerable and defenseless.

Make your parents as comfortable as possible in the home. But at the same time, do not try to put them "in a cage" - "I provide them, I buy groceries, I do everything around the house for them, I send them to a sanatorium for the summer, and they are always unhappy with something." This is all great, of course. But people who are not burdened with any work at all, even in young age start to go crazy with boredom. Therefore, relieving parents of the hard work, leave them their pleasant chores. Let them feel their usefulness and need. Let them check the grandchildren's lessons, if they want, and prepare suppers if they want. Let them clean up your room - it's not a disaster if your blouses end up on another shelf and evenly folded. “Mom, what is the best way to cook meat?”, “Dad, we’ve decided to build a bathhouse here - can you help with the project?”, “Mom, thanks for tidying up, otherwise I’m completely worn out”, “Mom, can we buy you new shoes? " etc.

Do not respond with criticism to criticism or resentment for resentment. This is the road to nowhere. Does mom swear? Walk up to her, hug, kiss, say sweet words- the quarrel will dissolve in the air. Daddy is not happy? Smile, hug your dad, tell him that without him you would not have achieved anything in this life. It’s impossible to keep getting angry when your child’s sincere love flows down on you.
A little more about coziness and comfort. For the elderly, "locked" in their apartment (house), the environment around them is extremely important. It's not even about cleanliness and properly working plumbing and equipment. And in comfort. Surround your parents with this coziness. Taking into account their interests, of course. Let the interior be pleasant, let the parents be surrounded by beautiful things, make the furniture comfortable, even if it's a rocking chair that you hate - if only they feel good.
Be patient with anyone age-related changes and manifestations. This is a law of nature, no one canceled it. By understanding the roots of the emotionality of older parents, you will be able to bypass all the rough edges in a relationship in the least painful way.

Do not get carried away with caring around your parents. Be attentive - perhaps too intrusive help hurts their feelings of helplessness even more. Parents don't want to get old. And here you are - with a warm new plaid blanket and vouchers to a sanatorium for sick old people. Be interested in what they are missing, and already start from this.

And remember, the happy old age of your old people is in your hands.

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