Don't be jealous of the past. Jealousy for the past. The rust of old love in a new relationship. Reasons for jealousy of the past

01.04.2019

Natalia Kaptsova

Reading time: 8 minutes

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Not every woman is able to wisely relate to the past of her partner - that is, accept his past as a past stage of life, and nothing more. Quite often the opposite happens - the past of a loved one (especially love in his past) becomes the cause of jealousy, suspicion and, as a result, the collapse of the love boat.

How do you learn to live in the present and cope with the "green" feeling?

Jealousy of a partner's former passion

Jealousy like feeling all-consuming and completely blocking the ability to think soberly , covers with his head, as soon as information about the "ex" accidentally pops up in a conversation with a partner.

Even a casually thrown phrase - “I don’t want to go to this cafe, Katka and I had dinner there all the time” can become the beginning of a whole detective story - digging up social networks for his communication with the ex, viewing his mail and messages, annoying thoughts that he also hugged the former, loved, took her to restaurants and introduced her to relatives.

Accept the fact that another woman once occupied the same place in his life as you are now - almost impossible.

How to deal with this jealousy?

Your partner's past has no bearing on you nothing to do.
By starting an "investigation", you you get into someone else's personal zone and kindle that fire of conflict between you, which then you cannot extinguish.
If you are aware of your heightened sense of jealousy (ownership), ignore all the details of the past your partner. Digging into other people's relationships will not add confidence to your relationship.
Stop fighting chimeras... Live in the present.
Admit your jealousy to yourself. and learn to control it.
If the partner chose you, it means that he is happy with you, and former love- just one of the turned pages of his life.
Jealousy is a signal that you don't trust your partner... If you are confident in him, then there is no need to be afraid of the shadows of the past (and the present too). And if you don’t trust, then it makes sense to think - is your relationship so strong? Read also:

Jealousy of all women in the past partner

For some women, even the thought that partner's hands were touching someone else , unbearable. And, it seems, the man is far from being a "nerd" of 18 years old, and female attention to him - quite normal phenomenon, the woman is infuriated by the fact that he could be loved by someone else.

How to deal with such an overwhelming feeling?

If your partner is an accomplished adult Attractive man, be aware that there were women in his life before your appearance... It would be strange if your partner sat all his life in a high tower and waited for your appearance. He is a man, and his bachelor life implies meetings, relationships, finding a partner.
Accidental (and even intentional) mention of former women – no reason to explode and seek secret meaning in words and deeds. Jealousy always brings discord in relationships, and morbid jealousy- and even more so.
Fearful that your partner's connection to the past is too strong? Analyze the situation... Do you have real grounds for jealousy? If there is nothing besides your fantasies, you should calm down and switch to strengthening your relationship (and not to destruction). If real "calls" from the past throw you off balance, it's time to talk to your loved one. Otherwise, an avalanche of mistrust and unresolved issues from the past will one day bury your relationship.
Remember: you have no right to blame your partner for his old romances... And you, for sure, also had meetings and relationships before him.
Your relationship is life with blank slate which automatically leaves the past where it belongs. A true love knows no jealousy.

Jealousy for your partner's children

A fairly common type of jealousy that usually has two "faces" .

First: jealousy of the children themselves ... More precisely, anger from the fact that children "fall" the attention that should be aimlessly yours.
Second: jealousy of the mother of his children ... His every trip to ex-wife with the aim of seeing the children is perceived with hostility - "What if he still loves her?", "And if she tries to return him?", "Maybe children are just an excuse to see her?"

How to deal with such a two-headed "serpent"?

First, understand that husband and wife are forever bound by their children... Even if they parted a long time ago, they participate in their life on equal rights (and responsibilities).
Love for your children and love for a woman is different nature of the concept... The desire of a man to communicate with his children, despite the divorce from their mother, speaks of his decency, reliability and love for children. There would be a reason to think and be wary if everything happened the other way around. It is unlikely that a man who crosses children from his life after a divorce is worthy of respect. Divorce Wives - Not Children!
It is useless to fight for the attention of a man with his children. And even more so, one should not forbid him to meet with them, or try to influence his attitude towards them. Children are part of a man. Therefore, this rivalry is initially meaningless.

Jealousy for things (gifts) from a past life

Gifts from the "ex", which are kept by the man - frequent occasion for conflicts in a new relationship. Tie, sweater, diary, postcards and especially photographs - any thing from his past causes anger and jealousy. The main idea is “since it stores, it means it’s expensive.”

What to do with jealousy of the past in this case?

If a thing is "dear to him" - it is absolutely does not indicate that the partner still has feelings To ex-lover... It can be a tribute to the memory of those relationships, just a reluctance to get rid of gifts, etc.
Your relationship is a new stage in his life.... Relationship with an ex is in the past. And no gifts (stored, wearable, etc.) can change the fact that you are together. But your jealousy can.
Never do not ask your partner to get rid of gifts and do not try to do it yourself. A quarrel (or even a break) will be provided for you.
His things (it doesn't matter - from what stage of life) - this is his personal space... Your life together does not give you the right to arrange an audit in his things.

Jealousy of your partner's past lifestyle

When a loved one unobtrusively talks about how great it was once to travel around the world, not caring about anything, to go fishing in the middle of the week (on a hike, to the mountains) with friends, "light up" in clubs and generally not from anyone depend, nervous system women crashes. One side - from jealousy to a rich and happy partner's past , with another - from feeling useless - "Then he was happier than with me."

Fantasy does its dirty deed: a mentally drawn picture of him from all sides of a pleasant past without you and not such a successful future with you launches the mechanism of inadequate assessment of relations .

How can the situation be changed?

First you need to understand that every person has a period of absolute freedom in youth and the opportunity to take everything from life. Naturally, this stage leaves a lot of impressions and memories that sometimes you want to get from the mezzanine of memory and smile at your past recklessness. But this does not mean that a person lives in the past or hides in it from the dull present.
If thoughts appear - "With me he is completely different, in the past he was happier" or "Since he returns to those memories, it means that he is better in them than with me", then it's time to think - is everything good v " Danish kingdom". Most likely, his memories are just an excuse to smile. But if they reproach you or have a different negative connotation, it's time to talk. Or look at yourself from the outside. You may be putting too much pressure on your partner, limiting them in all aspects of life, or making them discouraged by your actions (or inaction). Take a closer look: maybe your partner is missing something in your relationship? And he automatically compares your life together with his past.
Don't make an elephant out of a fly... One of the feminine traits is to create a salad out of nothing and out of the blue, new hairstyle and tragedy. As a rule, in the process of a sincere conversation with a loved one, it turns out that She again “thickened the colors”, and He is more than happy in a relationship, and He is satisfied with everything.

Jealousy is a slow poison for relationships. ... All that is good in them dies of suspicion, unnecessary questions and quarrels. And jealousy of the past is also an absurd reproach to your half for something that you did not even have a relationship with.

The only way to harmony in a relationship is elimination of jealousy in its very beginnings ... Accept your partner's past as it is, live in the present, and build relationships on trust in each other.

Jealousy. Perhaps nothing spoils a relationship like her (although they say that in moderation it is even useful). When they are jealous of someone from the environment loved one, I still understand it. But sometimes jealousy wakes up to the past, to something that was a long time ago, long before the beginning of the current relationship.

It would seem, why be jealous of what is left in the past? It seems that those relations are no longer there, the feelings have cooled down, the outlook on life has changed. However, we still react painfully to events for a long time days gone by... Moreover, men and women react to different manifestations... So, men tend to get addicted to details. intimate life partners (Where? With whom? When? How long?). Women, on the other hand, cannot stand it when a partner begins to talk about those minutes of happiness that were spent with their ex. Moreover, it was the female sex that succeeded in jealousy of the events of the past. Due to their innate curiosity, they try to find out everything about former passions men sometimes even get to know them. Men don't get that far.

Basically, it all starts with an ending candy-bouquet period... When we are possessed by emotions, we do not even think about what was once in the life of a loved one. But then when common sense overcomes emotions, curiosity begins to appear. After all, I want to know what the person was like before meeting you, what kind of life he led, with whom he met. And instead of leaving everything behind, we begin to ask questions, to be interested, to pry. And then, when the answers are received, we are overcome by jealousy, and then we already understand all the stupidity of our actions (but the job has already been done). The thought of your partner's past becomes unbearable. After all, someone else hugged him, spent time, received gifts, heard words of love, shared one bed. And we don't care what it was in the past. We are still not indifferent to those events. The most important thing is that this jealousy is not always for a person directly. So, if a partner has any thing donated by the ex, then this automatically sows doubts in us. After all, if this thing is not thrown away, then it is expensive. And if so, then the person who gave it is still not indifferent. That's it, the reason for jealousy is ready. There is no compelling reason for this, though. If a thing is needed, if it is functional, then why throw it away? Over time, you don't even remember who gave it - you use it automatically, out of habit. It is the same with the way of life in the past. Agree, only a few can boast that their youth passed quietly and without incident. Each has its own skeletons in the closet of youth. Then we grow up, seriousness comes. But those actions and way of life will be pointed out to us for a long time. And it doesn't matter that we have changed, as our outlook on life has changed. But no, they are still jealous of the events of the past.

It would seem that everyone understands the meaninglessness and groundlessness of jealousy for the past; understand that these are events of bygone days, but still continue to be jealous. As a result, more than one thousand couples broke up due to unnecessary clarification of the relationship. There are also such couples among my acquaintances. So, one of them broke up because of a photo posted on the Web, where an acquaintance poses naked with a girl. Moreover, this photo was taken as a student, ten years before meeting the current girl. She, in turn, could not come to terms with such behavior. young man and they soon parted. The other couple almost broke up. The reason was rumors that earlier, during a stormy youth, the girl changed partners with enviable regularity. With this, she earned a reputation as a selfish and "light" lady. Well at least her current boyfriend was smart enough not to fall for these gossip and speculation. Currently, they have already officially registered their relationship and are living happily.

Of course, jealousy of the past is meaningless. Indeed, at its core, jealousy is a challenge to someone, an indicator that you are ready to “fight” for your loved one. But there is no one to compete with, there are no competitors. As a result, the adequacy of jealousy is questionable. The main thing is what kind of person is with you at the present time. Let in the past your chosen one was an inveterate cheater, but if he does not give you a reason for jealousy with you, then why not give him a chance, let him prove it. People do not change? Not at all. I know of a case when a young man who spent almost every night with a new companion, once meeting that one of his, settled down and now lives a happy family life... Believe me, people tend to change. So forget about the past. We all had a relationship that didn't work out. This means that there are former ones. Perhaps some of them are even in contact. But again, this is just the past. Once your loved one broke up, it means that this is not his fate, their relationship is over. Now he is with you, trying to build something new, serious and lasting. He chose you, it turns out that you are better than the past.

Hello! I never thought it would come to this, but it happened - I became jealous of my wife for her past. Attempts to calm yourself down and switch to another topic do not lead to success. At work, I try not to think about it, but no, no, again the thought will pop up in my head while I am driving to work or from work trying to conduct a dialogue with myself and put everything on the shelves, calm down ... then again. In general, all this began to interfere with a full life. I love my wife madly, we have a child, soon there will be a second. We rarely swear and mostly because of this topic. The reasons described above are partly inherent in me: my father was not there, but he was not 100% replaced by his stepfather. Of course, in my soul there was an insult to own father and full emotional connection I’m not with my new father, we are more like friends, I didn’t receive full-fledged paternal support from him in psychological terms. Well, in general, we had and still have very Friendly family, everyone loves and respects each other, there have never been any quarrels. But on the point where the guy had 3 partners, and the girl ... had twenty ...
Before meeting my wife, I had long relationship, about 6 years. Before the relationship, a couple of connections in their youth. As for the wife. We have known each other long before we met and I knew her former partner with whom, in her words, they had free relationship... The first, as it seems to me, alarming fact (in my head - and with whom else could there be such an open relationship?) She explains this by the fact that serious relationship she didn't need it then. At the time of my acquaintance, I knew that she had many boyfriend friends with whom she keeps in touch, now of course she stopped communicating and no one writes to her, and even if I do not check it and it does not bother me too much. I asked about them and she said that they were all just friends and all kinds of connections with them had no place to be various reasons... There were also grocers who showered her with gifts, and again she said that she had no feelings and attraction for them either. She had an unsuccessful experience of first love, the young man was older than her and, according to her words, began to walk often and they either parted, then converged again, and at the same time she had this fickle partner whom I know. After that, she says, she abandoned the idea of a family and decided to live a free life. She studied, then worked and all the time she had these "friends" and caregivers. And then one day I decided to ask her, but how much was before me, and she replied that I was the fifth. This was fine with me and I had no pretensions - well, in fact, I reassured myself, she had her own personal life, and even this amount is quite adequate (considering the period from 18 to 21 when we tied the knot with her. I was 26 at that time). But for the sake of my curiosity, after a while I asked her again and asked for the floor (we have one inside family rite- the expression by which we express our oath statement to what was said) and she refused ...! I say how so, are you deceiving me. In response, grins and expressions such as what you again stuck with your stupid jealousy. I told her that it is enough for you to confirm what you said earlier and all the cases. She said - no, I will not do this, I am not interested in this topic, and I will never tell you how many there were ... It simply killed me. It would be better if all my life I thought that I was the fifth, why did I start asking questions. Now I am into oblivion, and this is even worse. I told her that now I would be constantly tormented and think that she has 45 of them, and she says, well, think, she also jokes that 101. I stopped new attempts to ask questions, because it leads to a quarrel. I try not to touch this topic, but as I said it torments me. I am thrown from the thought that she is just playing me (which is most likely the case), then on the contrary the thought arises - she had so many of them that she is afraid to injure me with this. I don’t know what to do. I understand everything with my head that this is all nonsense and that we must live on and love each other, children and enjoy every moment of our life. But is it difficult for her to answer in the affirmative or what?
Connecting logic and putting everything on the shelves, I understand that most likely there really were not many of them and that she just had such a reaction (she apparently does not understand my mental illness on this score and the torment that I am experiencing). Well, there cannot be many connections in such a short period, except perhaps to go to the panel! Besides, our city is not big, even small. We have many common acquaintances (again, guys) and everyone has a positive attitude towards her, more than I am sure that some information would have sounded from their lips. I also periodically catch myself thinking that I just envy her, envy that she had a free life and enough sexual partners, and spent most of my youth with an unloved person.
P.S Knowing my character, I will not leave her behind with the question of quantity. Is it worth seeking this information at all? Thank you in advance for your response!

However, not everyone understands and knows where jealousy comes from. I propose an article (found on the Internet. The author is unknown) and discuss the topic. I'm sure she touched every pair. More-less

As a rule, the reasons for jealousy of the past are called a feeling of ownership, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. Why is the person experiencing this relationship-destroying feeling? Is there a rational explanation for the causes of past jealousy?

Ownership and low self-esteem seem like plausible reasons, but this is a superficial explanation. The reason turns out to be much deeper and much more serious. No one doubts that jealousy is a natural feeling inherent in varying degrees for all of us. Why is it unpleasant for us to know about the past sexual partners of our second half? After all, everything is already in the past, your chosen one is completely with you!

It turns out that not completely! Any past experience leaves an imprint on the soul and affects future relationships. This applies equally to both men and women. But, the consequences for women and men are different, due to the fact that the male and female psyche and behavior patterns are different. Consider the difference in behavior patterns between men and women.

A man, he is not a man because he has an outwardly noticeable sex characteristic. A man, first of all, is such because of his psychological model of behavior. The same applies to women. There are, of course, effeminate, weak in character men, there are strong, tough women, but this is not a rule, these are exceptions. And we will not talk about them here. We will consider classical psychological models. Normal men and women. With their characteristic character traits.

So, from the point of view of nature, procreation, a man should spread his genetic material as widely as possible. Simply impregnate as many females as possible (which implies a large number of sexual contacts). Moreover, the more successful a man is (in every sense), the more descendants he will have. The theory of natural selection is at work here. The man is seeking sexual contact not at all because he decided to share the rest of his life with his current chosen one, but because nature is inherent in receiving pleasure from every sexual contact (which leads to the greatest coverage of candidates. Women, on the contrary, extremely rarely experience full pleasure from the first contact). That's why normal man may not have deep psychological attachment to their sexual partner. Man for life together looking for a partner who seems to him the best in comparison with others.

This is where hormones come in! Love, deep psychological attachment arises. At the same time, his previous sexual experience remains in the background, in the background. Does not have of great importance and does not affect the relationship to the chosen one due to the fact that previous sex did not carry a psychological load.

Based on the foregoing, jealousy of a man's past sexual partners is groundless. The same cannot be said about jealousy of men who had a serious relationship before you.

Now about women. V female model behavior, nature has laid down the choice of best male of all! And it is not just words. Your kids need to get the best genes. Inherit the success of their parents. It is logical that the best (most successful) man will choose the best of all. And their children will collect all the best qualities of both.

A woman cannot afford to sleep with just anyone (I repeat, we are talking about mentally normal women. We are not talking about deviations that certainly exist). Thus, each sexual partner a woman is the best for her at the moment when this happens. Each of her partners in the moment before intimacy surpasses all others and naturally leaves a deep psychological mark on her soul. This is the fundamental difference between women and men!

Now let's get down to the main thing.

Why has nature laid in us a seemingly destructive feeling - jealousy of the past?

The answer is simple. It is because of the destructiveness of this feeling!

Nature has taken care of the destruction of the couple's union, where past stories can affect the development of offspring. This is very rational from the point of view of nature! A strong, successful male should not raise offspring that may not have anything to do with him and the female cannot count on the full return from the male who already had strong bond! But, nevertheless, we are not animals and there is a second reason for jealousy at the level of conscious perception.

The second reason for jealousy of a woman's past partners is very strong. As we discussed above, each sexual partner normal woman, at some point was the Best for her! If there were several of these, the best, then each of them, most likely, was the best in its own way. For example, Peter was very smart, Fedor was rich, Anatoly was incredibly strong in sex, Gregory was cheerful, etc. The more there were, the more difficult it is to "squeeze" into this team of champions. And let's not deceive ourselves, better than the previous ones, none of the following will be! It remains to be content to stand out in this honorary rank, with some kind of good quality... You need to admit to yourself that you will never become the one and only for your chosen one.

So we have analyzed the nature of the appearance of jealousy of the past. In principle, it is the same for both women and men. Only with the proviso that for men it is not casual sex that matters, but only deep psychological attachment to the previous partner. And for women, any sexual partner is such.

So what to do about it?

In general, the point of all advice comes down to "understand and forgive". And from myself I can advise this: years will pass, and one day you will understand that life is really too short to torture yourself with this jealousy... No one can change the past. So why spoil your mood and worry about something that you cannot influence? Think, do you love your chosen one? Love is, in a sense, self-sacrifice. You sacrifice your time, health, sometimes even your life in favor of the object of love. Do you wish the best for him? You must understand that good for a loved one does not mean good for you! If you agree with this, then you will try to do everything to make your loved one (beloved) happy.

If you cannot come to terms with the understanding that you are not the best and only one for your chosen one, then this means that you love yourself more! And such an alliance is doomed to break. The sooner it happens, the better for you.

Jealousy is an extremely unpleasant feeling. It is capable of destroying a lot if you do not control it in time. But it's one thing when you are jealous of a very specific rival, and another thing when the vague, not entirely clear, but such an intriguing past of your loved one acts as a competitor. Is it worth it to be jealous of the fact that "it was and passed," and if jealousy of the past is still there, how to deal with it, the author of [email protected], Alexandra Dudkina, tried to figure it out.

Remember the phrase spoken by the hero to everyone famous cartoon about the clumsy but cute panda: “The past is forgotten, the future is closed, the present is granted”? Good saying, is not it? It contains a very deep meaning: you shouldn't live in the past or the future, you should enjoy every present moment. And we seem to try to follow this principle: we notice any little thing that can make us happy, we do not postpone important things until tomorrow (at least we try). But with one habit, many of us cannot cope: live in the past, and not our own, but someone else's.

It is not easy to come to terms with the fact that before us the beloved man had his own life, other relationships, he hugged another, but then still his girlfriend, he was sure that he would connect life with her. We torment ourselves, from time to time asking the question: how could he be happy with someone else? Constantly referring to the past, we cannot live peacefully in the present, plagued with suspicions and clarifications of the one we love. Let's figure out how to curb this destructive feeling for something that, in general, no longer exists.

To a former lover

This is the most common type of past jealousy. Sometimes one carelessly thrown phrase is enough for us: "And I flew to Greece with Lena" to go to the Internet on his account and search the files in search of her photographs. And if we do find it, then we will definitely see that she is much more beautiful than us. For some reason, we think that he was much better with his ex-girlfriend or wife. We suffer, imagining how he hugged her and kissed her, how he confessed his love and promised to be with her always. In general, we ourselves throw firewood into the flame of jealousy.

How to get rid of? Stop asking your beloved about all the details of the relationship with his ex, if only because all this concerns only his life. Firstly, it violates his personal space, and, secondly, it hurts you more. After all, if you react so sharply to what happened to him before, you better not know the details. Fighting with yourself sometimes increases resistance, and if you can catch yourself doing it and mentally admit, “I'm jealous of the guy’s past,” it can help calm you down.

One more important nuance- will sound corny, but if he broke up with that girl, then there was a reason for this. Now he is with you, and this, most likely, is also not just that. Maybe you should trust your partner, without exchanging for problems from the category “I thought it up myself, I got offended myself”?

To all former passions

One of my acquaintances cannot even think calmly about the fact that her husband had someone before her. At first glance, this sounds crazy: the spouse has long been no longer a snotty youth, but a very an interesting man which, of course, attracts the attention of women. It is clear that before the wedding, he did not sit at home, but was “in search”, and quite active. Once he inaccurately told his wife about some of his past adventures, and she took everything too close to her heart. Now jealousy for ex-girlfriends does not give her rest. She looks for a catch in literally every mention of it. bachelor life... It is not surprising that such behavior of the spouse introduces discord in the family and makes the loving husband move away.

How to get rid of? In these situations, many of us are motivated by fears that our loved one has not completely ripped emotional connection with former loved ones. We torment ourselves with questions: why did he choose them, maybe he was better with them than with me, etc. If jealousy of the past torments you unreasonably, and letters and calls from those with whom he was connected do not appear in your present before, it is worth considering. Perhaps there are other doubts lurking behind this? You are not sure if this is "your person", or you yourself yearn for past connections. After all, by the fact that he had someone before you, he was not guilty of anything in front of you. After all, you had a relationship before him. It is so?

To his children

If you look at it, then the feelings about his love for the child from previous relationship do not concern itself little man, but the one who gave birth to him. Say what you like, children are strong connecting link between mother and father, even if they are divorced. This can be alarming, instilling fear that he will return to his ex. But forbidding a loved one to communicate with his child is at least stupid, dishonorable and simply wrong.

How to get rid of? As the saying goes, “the child did not ask for the world,” and if it appeared, it has the right to communicate with both parents, even if they do not live together. Caring for children is an indicator of a man's responsibility and reliability. And if your beloved has a child, and he cannot even think about how to end the relationship with him - rejoice. it a real man. Female wisdom sometimes it helps to unravel situations in which neither the advice of experienced friends nor advice from specialists work.

To things from the past

Some trinkets donated by the ex, photographs, sometimes even an ordinary postcard can lead to scandals and tantrums, and sometimes even to the desire to break off relations. This situation develops if you tend to idealize the past and belittle the present. A jealous person thinks: "If he keeps these gifts, then they are important to him, it means that he still feels something for his ex." It doesn't even matter that these, for example, are the only ones in his wardrobe, and he cannot do without them. Many still consider this unacceptable.

How to get rid of? You should not solve the issue by tearing postcards to shreds and throwing away gifts left over from the former. This will cause a storm of indignation, but not because they are dear to him, but simply because it will be a rude interference. It is best to speak honestly with your partner and let them help you overcome your jealousy of the past.

To his past lifestyle

Sometimes we ourselves convince ourselves that now our partner's life is much worse and more boring than before. This happens when he, over and over again, enthusiastically tells everyone around him how his theatrical troupe went on tour around the country or, for example, how great it was when he could spontaneously gather with friends for a week of fishing. We quickly draw a mental picture of his happy past and unhappy life with us, and our feelings are immediately reconstructed into a mode of jealousy.

How to get rid of? No matter how trite it may be, a discussion will help. Find out if he is really bored now, and if he wants to return to the time where it was so much fun, but you were not. It may well be that your loved one’s response will change all of your ideas. It's important to honestly admit that you are jealous of his past. But not to take it out on clean water, but in order for him to have the opportunity to understand you.

Jealous, we slowly or rapidly, but surely kill all the good that is in our relationship. Suspicions begin tricky questions, and especially difficult cases- quarrels and scandals. Jealous of the past, we also instill in our partner a sense of guilt for some unknown reason. In fact, we reproach him for what happened when our relationship did not even begin. Agree, you cannot erase the past. In order to cope with oppressive feelings, it is necessary to build new life here and now, to lay the foundations for new traditions. This is the only path to the present moment, to the very relationship where you and your loved one will be comfortable.