Between the first and second: when to start a new relationship. Is "one love for two" enough? How does a relationship with a married person begin?

10.04.2019

However, before returning to your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, you need to think carefully at your leisure and seriously weigh the pros and cons. Let's weigh together.

First of all, you need to find the answer to this question: what caused this very gap - your relationship or just unfortunate circumstances? If you consider that circumstances are to blame, then you obviously have not lost anything yet. On the contrary, temporary difficulties, as they are overcome, can strengthen feelings and mutual affection. Sometimes people, parting even for a year or two (leaving for study, for example, or in long business trip) and not being able to say goodbye with dignity, nevertheless, remain true to their love (even despite other hobbies). Then, at the long-awaited meeting, they feel even greater attraction, even greater happiness than was observed before parting. Just recently I read the novel by E. Vilmont “Spit on everything with a giant sequoia” - it is about such a situation.

Another thing is if the reason for the breakup of a couple lies in themselves. For example, one believes that he is intellectually inferior to another, dislikes his relatives or friends, or disapproves professional activity partner. Then things get much more complicated. In this case, before you converge again, it is very important for yourself to determine what was inadequate (did not match) in your perception of life - your life values or your tastes.

As for values, they include the way of life that you aspire to, those ideas, guided by which you are going to build your future, your career ambitions, etc.
It's different if you don't have the same tastes. It’s much easier with this - if, for example, you like Armen Dzhigarkhanyan and the music performed by Metallica, and your girlfriend likes Jim Carrey and Dima Bilan, then you can survive this. Over time, tastes will begin to coincide, and if they don’t, then God bless them.

Another thing is the inadequacy of life ideas. Think: if the passion you left did not miss the opportunity to flirt with a mutual friend in your absence (or in the presence), does it make sense to return it, dooming yourself to new long torments? Know that by resuming a relationship, you will have to reconcile in advance with the fact that in your partner you were not satisfied "before". Otherwise, it just doesn't happen.

So let's say you decide to try again.. Keep in mind that at least one of the two will definitely have to lower the level of their requests, that is, lower their bar. However, even with all your willingness to go for it, you should not resume a relationship without first having a sweet conversation with a serious discussion of what led you to a breakup. If such a conversation does not take place, psychologists warn, your relationship will be an exact repetition of the past. And nobody would want that. Therefore, very calmly, without unnecessary emotions, you need to discuss all your problems and disagreements until you feel that none of you is no longer fraught with resentment or evil towards the other.

But that's not all. It will take real effort on your part, it turns out, when you get back together. And they will be needed in order to direct your relationship, while avoiding the mistakes made earlier, in a new, more the right way, which would not lead again to the grand finale of your relationship.

You should absolutely not discuss the question of who dumped whom (the abandoned side, by the way, usually has a better position in this case), or what can happen if you quarrel again. It’s better to think not about who and why you broke up, but about what you have in common, because it was this “common” that made you get back together.

Another thing to think about before sharpening your skis back is your personal situation this moment . Statistics again show that the more successful your business is and the more independent you feel in life, the more guaranteed success in the planned event. Estimate for yourself: failures haunt you, no one pays attention to you, and in general, a bummer is hopeless in everything. So maybe, in this state of affairs, you are not at all an image ex girlfriend(friend) beckons, and this Your Excellency Loneliness wants to dispel? That is why in similar condition don't jump into the past. You just need someone who will understand and pity you. And this person is more likely to become someone else, and not your “former”, with whom the relationship has not worked out once.

And the last question you should answer: don't you want to just theoretically prove to yourself that you are able to return former passion? Is it not out of pure selfishness and vanity, is it not for the sake of showing off to friends or satisfying your own curiosity, are you going to stir up the past? If you understand that this is exactly the case, do not count on a long continuation of your novel - it will not happen.

If your thoughts are pure, you are successful and confident in your love - try! And know at the same time that the second time the separation will be less painful than the first.

Many relationships tend to end, and it doesn't matter if these relationships have been registered or not. Maybe, except that the stamp in the passport whispers that there will be more delays, squabbles and division of property. And so, if the relationship ended, exhausted itself, emotional connection between once close people is no longer there, paper officialdom is not capable of much. But now we are talking about something else...

People, in order not to feel abandoned, abandoned and rejected, need some kind of replacement. And very often such a substitution becomes new relationship.

Moreover, the relationship tied up very quickly after the end of the previous ones. And even formally still with them.

One gets the impression that suddenly lonely people resolutely do not want to think about the results, ask themselves why it happened, draw some conclusions ... It's easier to immediately jump into a new relationship, as if into a whirlpool with your head. And it doesn’t matter that it will not be entirely ethical in relation to a new partner, because he becomes a phantom, a means of proving to the rejecter that the abandoned one is still very wow! He does not suffer, he is absolutely liquid in the marriage market, and in general he will still regret that he decided to break up.

Why does the suffering side so quickly find a replacement-consolation? (Note that this doesn't happen all the time. a large number of reflective men and women experience the loss of relationships for a long time and do not immediately seek to start new ones).

Perhaps she, this suffering side, believes that she cannot bear the pain of parting, betrayal, in close person and therefore it is urgent to drown out the pain and search for new relationships. Moreover, after all, a lot of time has been lost in unsatisfactory previous relationships, and we are not getting any younger. And soon, if not now, no one will need us! Despair, the desire to avoid emotional disruption, self-doubt pushes a person to new relationships on the ruins of the old ones that have not yet cooled down.

And now, it seems, a new boyfriend has appeared, and there is sexual relations, and there is someone to pass the evening with ... But, this is far from a mature thoughtful relationship with real person with their individual characteristics, this is a continuation of the dispute with the former partner, comparison and mental debate. Relationships are important because of the status "I'm with someone", "I'm not alone (alone)", and not for the sake of getting to know a new partner as a person, showing to him sincere interest and attention.

After severe break a lot of ambivalent feelings wander in a person, there is regret, and annoyance, and anger, and guilt, and sadness, and attachment. And all these mood swings fall out on a new partner, an absolutely disproportionate reaction can follow his awkward actions. After all, to real situation mixed with a lot of soul-roaming feelings and doubts.

And sadly, nothing serious and lasting comes out of these new relationships. The new member of the triangle (namely, the triangle, because until the feelings are worked out, the past does not go anywhere, and the former partner is invisibly present in the relationship) sooner or later gets tired of being sometimes a lightning rod, sometimes a vest, and he also begins to think about breaking up relations.

If this happens, then it will be another argument to make sure that all men are goats and all women are bitches. And the chain of disappointments and insults will go further on the planet.

But the thing is that the previous relations were not fully worked out, were not, in fact, completed, the answers were not received, why, why and how. And here it's not about finding someone to blame, who, in principle, can be appointed. If you don’t know what mistake you made in a past relationship, it’s not a fact that you won’t repeat it again and again ... Given a person’s desire for stability and familiarity, it’s even more than likely that emotional reactions will remain exactly the same. Do you need to multiply your suffering and bring trouble to another person?

Why do you think people rush into new relationships after a divorce or immediately after a breakup? old relationship? Has it happened in your life?

36 ideas about “ New relationships after a divorce or immediately after a breakup”

lyudmila
Thank you. This is the best article on the problems of loneliness of all that came across on this topic. It is a pity that more woman read such articles.
Dmitry
I just broke up with my girlfriend and I don't even think about hooking up with someone else. It's so painful and disgusting, what kind of new relationship can there be???
Artem
And now, like half a year, I broke up and I want to start a new relationship, but something stops me, thoughts about the former, most likely, tried to break myself but could not, green longing in my soul
Alexander
Great article. This is happening in my life right now. We broke up with the girl, I'm sure the feelings have not cooled down yet, I was the initiator and I'm in no hurry to start a new relationship. I have to suffer, to catch my breath. What can you say about my ex. She immediately "rushed into the pool new love". I think this is her out of revenge, to show how happy she is without me, in general, everything fits the article very clearly. And her new guy- my friend. Now it seems she wants to return, but I don’t know if it’s worth forgiving her. Such is the situation) Would you forgive, still loving, knowing that she went to a friend immediately after breaking up and undoubtedly slept with him?
Sergey
After a month and a half of an unclear parting, he started a relationship with another girl, but he seemed to have forgotten about her, and also posted a photo of us kissing on VK! And so we met with the former in May, she expressed everything she thinks about my act and it was as if they cracked me with an oar on the head, and then it dawned on me - WHAT HAVE I DONE! I realized how I offended her, humiliated her in front of all her relatives, acquaintances, spat for 18 months bright relationship, defiled her trust, devotion and sank sharply in her eyes from the podium to the bottom of contempt! After that, he began to take all sorts of attempts to return it, although he understood that it was already useless! Now I suffer and think about her constantly, all the time I hope that she still loves me and will return!
Varya
My boyfriend left me just before I was supposed to move in with him. They parted ugly and on emotions, allegedly because of frequent quarrels. And then I found out that it had only been three weeks at most, since he started new novel. And you know, everything that is written here is true. It really just replaces negative emotions and emptiness by another person. I've been alone all these 4 months, I even tried to return it, but it didn't work out. But I really experienced the whole range of emotions from despair to a sober look at the situation and I do not regret it. He started his romance with me the same way. He was abandoned by a girl and he could not recover for almost half a year, and I endured indifference because I fell in love. Then he nevertheless “saw” me and everything was fine, until we started talking about obligations. Now I understand that I met with an emotionally immature boy, who at first comforted me after someone, and now his new passion got stuck in the same story. I sincerely wish her good luck, but I was disappointed in him. Men, do not lose face, no matter how angry or upset you are, you still need to be able to learn lessons.
Larisa
Such articles are too abstract for me. Any success is made up of many factors. Successful thoughts, social success, charisma, charm, leadership family budget, fitness body, financial viability, hairstyles, finally. Interior in the apartment. Budget for repairs, sexy, expensive lingerie and bed sheets, prestigious work, courses, trainings. Femininity or masculinity. Ladies who fall for m-m womanizers do not notice selfish goals, as a rule, and their unattractiveness.
Because we met not in a fitness club and not at a prestigious resort. Blaming and forgiving someone is easier than signing up for a GPP.
It's easier than overcoming yourself and your laziness and opening a company, a website.
Simply put, a bunch of losers with whom they have affairs for mercenary reasons. First, write a list with your sports body scores, your wardrobe, your work capacity, your appearance, and never blame others. Understand that you are not adequate in your requirements.
Alexei
And it seems to me sometimes a wedge by a wedge is not the worst strategy, I got out of two depressions.
Elena
My husband and I divorced, and two weeks later he rented a girl at the club and then started a relationship with her ... in parallel, trying to get me back ... but only in words .... And when I found out about her presence, she asked me to leave me alone .... And he kept saying that he doesn’t feel anything for her, but his feelings for me are very strong !!! Words, words .... They even flew away to relax with her where we rested with him, when he proposed to me ... Trying to recreate our history of relationships .... Eh, men ... are content with what goes into their own hands ...
Artyom
I had a big fight with my wife, I'm 27, she's 24, married for four years, loved each other very much, she went to her friend after a quarrel, she lives with her husband and her husband's brother, my wife's husband's brother is my wife's godfather, before the quarrel they did not communicate with the godfather at all, after 3 days, my wife asked me to live separately, after 2 days she said that she wanted a divorce, I told her that I would give her, for a whole month I thought that I would change my mind and make peace, and we had a fight because she got drunk behind the wheel and I slapped her in the face for this , and after 3 weeks I have not yet received a divorce, I find out that she is already dating her godfather, a day later I found out that she started to stir up the next day after our quarrel.
Guest Elena
The marriage lasted 5 years, there is a child for 4 years, they have not yet divorced, the divorce is in a week, and the husband has already left with things for another woman and now lives with her, she posts pictures of joint breakfasts and dinners on the net, her happy face, he is online openly confesses his love to her and everything is as if neither me nor the child had ever been in his life ... I don’t need anyone, I’m going through a divorce and my pain and the child is going through a loss, we somehow hold on together and it’s not easy for us .... But even in my thoughts there is no starting someone ... on the contrary, you need to be alone, to survive, inside it’s like a meat grinder, what new relationships can be, you don’t want to see anyone ....
Dmitry
No, you must first lick your wounds, come to your senses, regain at least some self-esteem, rethink the mistakes of past relationships, and only then climb into new ones.
Maksim
Good afternoon, I have such a situation, my wife and I lived together for 10 years, but for the last five years we lived so-so, slept little together but did everything for the family, it suited me in principle, the main thing is that we lived together and raised our child for two years back she wanted to leave, but somehow I was able to stop it, then a year later it happened again and I somehow stopped it again, she also said that the fellow did not give up, but she decided to leave this time too and I wanted to see what would happen if I don’t return, in the end, without hesitation, as it seemed to me, she simply forced me to divorce, after the breakup, she immediately found a man for herself, he’s not even much older than me, and we had a difference of nine years with her (I’m older than her ) she rents an apartment, I live in our mortgage with which I also need to do something, and so it’s been almost four months, I still can’t find the fifth corner in the apartment, I constantly worry, sometimes I cry in the morning, I sleep little (( (. And she is happy and everything is fine with her, now her husband Hic began to spend the night with her, apparently soon and they will live, but it gnaws at me very much. The soul and heart just screams and wants to return it, but the head understands that it will not come, and if it does, then how will we look into each other's eyes and what will come of it. Moreover, that man apparently has no problems at all, they constantly walk, wander around cafes, etc. It turns out that she did not even experience a breakup, she immediately became happy, and I am tormented by how to get rid of this, to look for someone for myself yet I definitely don't want
Irina
I lived with a man for almost 4 years, he was after a breakup. And now we are separated. After we quarreled and parted ways, he tried to make peace, but at the same time he did not say sorry, after he threw my things out of his apartment. he doesn’t want to be together, he says that we are no longer there (matting that I ignored him and he realized that I didn’t need him, and therefore he got himself a new girl. They have been together for 3 weeks (he said so) And we quarreled 3 months ago. I feel bad without him, it's a shame and it hurts very much that he found a replacement for me so quickly.I often ask myself the question of how you can say that you love madly, miss you, hear the smell of your beloved on the pillow, and immediately stop wanting to be with him and start a new relationship? I don’t know how to live on? Constantly crying, no appetite 4 days, I don’t eat anything, my heart is torn to pieces. I hate him and love him at the same time. How to live on ....?
squirrel
my husband and I got married very quickly, gave birth to a son, when the child was 3.5 years old, the husband began to drink, not spend the night at home, drove drunk, filed for divorce, divorced. took her car keys away from her, the drunk crashed to death. Now I live for myself and the child, I began to value my personal space and spend more money and time on myself, I’m afraid to start new relationships, but at the same time I’m afraid to grow old alone. then there is no desire. Because I began to love myself more and appreciate my life after a relationship in which I was not respected and did not appreciate me and my child. People with low self-esteem quickly find a new partner for themselves. Try to stop and, having delved into yourself, understand what you always wanted to do, what to do in life, maybe travel somewhere, it helps me personally.
Guest
We lived with him for 9 years. Love, habit, some apparent stability. Forgiving betrayal, constant lies. He would pack while I was at work and leave without saying a word. Laughed in my face at me, my words and tears, along with friends and relatives. Nine years - I still can't believe it. Nine years of life that you can't get back. I have forgiven so much. It's been three weeks since he left. again, in the morning, without saying a word, without looking into your eyes. And I have never cried. I decided enough was enough, I couldn't live like this anymore. I am nobody in his life, and all his friends, girlfriends and even neighbors are much better and more expensive than me. Who have I been to him all these years? Terrible apathy, literally forcing myself to get out, swim, eat. If not for my son, I would not get out of bed. I no longer want to be an item to be thrown away when it's tired or broken. I want to live!!! But how hard it is to collect yourself, to find parts of yourself.
Sergey
My wife left me after 20 years of marriage, three weeks later I found a new girlfriend, a month later she moved to live with me. Five months later, the ex-wife got married.
I am still in a relationship with a girl whom I met immediately after breaking up with my wife. The former is still married. FROM ex-wife I can’t be in the same territory, it already tears me apart when I see it, I hate it, I’m ready to beat it. I mentally imagine how she will crawl on her knees and ask to return. I hate this bitch, but for garlic, left alone with myself, I clearly understand that I would forgive her and would probably carry her in my arms.
With the current girl, everything seems to be fine and calm and comfortable, but she does not evoke the emotions that her wife evoked. She was neither complaisant nor calm, but no one can ignite the fire that still emanates from her.
This is how it happens.
Artyom
Ripped painful and complicated relationship with a girl, and later I learned from one of her friends that after a couple of days she went into all serious trouble with our mutual acquaintance. A month later, they began to advertise their relationship wherever possible. Too little time had passed since the breakup, so of course it was very painful for me to see this, but I coped as best I could. True, I immediately realized that this was not a serious relationship, but rather an escape, avoiding loneliness, searching for a replacement and compensation (we even looked alike with her new boyfriend).
But what happened next?
The new young man realized that he was being used and no beautiful mutual feelings do not grow on such soil. We broke up after 3-4 months. Now she often says that it was a big mistake.
Svetlana
We also lived with a young man for 10 years. the relationship was very difficult, and after a quarrel and his public insults against me, the dirt that he poured on me in a common company, he left. and a week later I found out that he lives with another girl. I live like in hell, it’s even hard to breathe, because I lived by this person and sacrificed a lot for him. and it turns out that he didn’t even love me at all, since he did this to me. It’s hard not only to live, there can’t even be any talk of any relationship on my part.
Anna
Same situation. They broke up after 4 years of relationship. I was the initiator. Last year He did everything to my advantage. I knew the relationship was getting worse. And I decided. After 2 weeks it became so bad without him. tried to return. They seemed to get along, but disappeared after 2 weeks. Then I learned from friends that he had new girl. This news hit me so hard! It was not clear to me how 4 years of life can be crossed out so quickly. I fell into a terrible depression! I didn't get out of bed for a month. After 2 months, he appeared and began to tell that he missed me and she was needed just to prove to me that someone needed him. It seems they agreed, but this betrayal was constantly between us, he wanted rapprochement, somehow I kept him at a distance all the time. He offered me to live together, said that he understood that I was his destiny, but I did not dare. Could not trust, and he could not forgive that he kicked out. And any quarrel ended with these claims. And what do you think? Started a new relationship again. Not breaking up with me. She tells the girl that I am so bad, that I did not feel needed in front of me, etc. Again, he simply disappeared, called for a conversation and everything turned out. A week later I introduced her to my mother, a month later to our mutual friends. And it doesn’t fit in my head how it’s possible so quickly, a month ago he admitted to me that he loves and has already found another, and tells everyone that everything is serious with him. Again depression. I understand that this is not the first time a person has betrayed me, but I can’t get rid of thoughts about him. HOW SO?

This situation happened to me, I live with my wife for 8 years, we have a common child and she has a child from her first husband. Our relationship began to deteriorate 3 years ago, it began to fade, I tried to talk to her, nothing helped, I tried to do everything possible to save the marriage to understand the mistakes in ours and try to fix them. Recently I found out from her phone (I know that it’s mean that I didn’t do it right that it’s useful to read the correspondence) that she has been dating another person for a long time. strong scandal I tried to talk, but she didn’t want to talk to me. I flew off to another man to rest for the holidays, once I wrote that everything will be fine, you will find a good girl. to get out of this state I always think about her, about the children and I can’t imagine how she can do this because I love her really very much help VERY much with advice on how to be what to do how to get out of this state I don’t want new relationships although I visited thoughts but I can not and do not want (((
Natalia
Why such diagnoses? Why all of a sudden sticking labels? I lived with a man for 3 years, a year ago I decided to leave him for a very big offense. During this year, he returned, left, cried, asked for forgiveness, sent on in front of everyone in a full restaurant, crushed my furniture, did not spend the night at home, he climbed into my window, guarded at the house - in general, I could not get rid of him all this year. But in my heart I was no longer with him. Therefore, when he again made a scandal to me in a restaurant last Sunday, and when I came home, I threw his things from the balcony, I said to myself - that's it, that's enough. Yesterday I went to dinner with a young man - and I really liked him. Yoknolo. It started to stir. Why? Because I broke up with that in my head a year ago. I just waited a year for the situation to reach the point of no return. Theoretically, all this year I felt like I was not in a pair. That is, I found a new relationship not 5 days after the breakup, but a year and five days later. Therefore, it is not necessary to make such diagnoses.
Garry
Don't know. BZ decided to make a career and left with her daughter to her mother. Filed for divorce. Six months later, I got married. He approached marriage thoughtfully. very happy, a lot common interests Let's turn our plans into reality together. I don't talk to my wife or daughter. We have already lived for 5 years, but there are a lot of plans, we are setting more and more new tasks. Life became very interesting. It all depends on the psyche of the check, if it is strong, it attracts the same people. I never remember the milestones. The tendency to reflect is the disease of our time. On the contrary, it seems to me that taking into account past mistakes and not slipping into years of depression, it is easier to establish constructive relationships.

As a rule, all novels begin beautifully: flowers, poems, sweets, boat trips, meetings at the monument and romantic get-togethers on a bench in the city center. If they end, then in different ways: after betrayal or even without thinking about it, by mutual agreement or at the initiative of one of the partners, with confusion, or, conversely, easily and freely. After realizing this, the question always arises: “What to do next?” Is it worth taking a break to relax and sort out your feelings, or is it better to start a new relationship sooner?

At first glance, the question is simple, it has only two possible answers. But each opinion has its champions and opponents. Someone thinks that it is necessary to switch more quickly, and someone that you need to be alone with yourself. Who is right?

In a pool with a head

small soap opera, based on real events, codenamed "breakups and their role in personal life". Christina broke up with Pavel. For two years they lived together, went on vacation to the most exotic corners of the world and made plans for the future. Therefore, when Christina packed her things, called a taxi, settled with a friend and began to monitor sites in search of a separate home, it came as a surprise to everyone. On Facebook, her status quickly changed to “free”, and when asked by friends about the reasons for the breakup, she answered in all seriousness: “I fell out of love!” It happens.

The situation seems to be understandable - Pavel suffers, and Christina flies on the wings of freedom into a new bright future, where it will be more and more passionate, interesting, and where love should definitely be. But a month later, both find new partners for themselves. Through friends, Pavel meets a girl who does not even remotely resemble Christina, and it seems to him that this will distract and entertain him, and hurt his ex. After all, photos with a new busty passion appear on Facebook with the regularity of a daily news publication. He really has fun, but he can’t get distracted. A few months later, it turns out that the new girl, whatever one may say, is really not Christina and not ideal at all. However, he almost doesn't care about Christina either. Yes, she lives her own life. In the interim, another victim appears in the story, and Pavel experiences another breakup. Two partings in a short period of time is another test for any psyche.

To be continued. Christina, not having time to enjoy the freedom and loneliness, which, according to her, was very lacking before, also begins a new relationship. It's hard to resist when new fan fills up with flowers, praises, catches every word and wish, tries to please. But after a while, she, just like her ex, understands that, despite beautiful courtship, words and deeds, this is not at all the person who is needed. And since the memories of the breakup are still alive, it is still difficult to believe in a better outcome. Another victim appears, and this time, instead of a feeling of lightness and freedom, Christina gets anxiety, self-doubt and in the future. Doubts are added about the correctness of understanding what she needs, who she needs and what she wants. Life becomes more and more stupid and meaningless, and she begins to consider herself an insensitive monster.

There is no crime in the situation, as they say "people meet, people fall in love, get married." And also disperse, leave, meet others. This is fine. It only took a pause. Any separation requires analysis. Painful or light, long or fast, calm or bordering on the desire to die. It is important to stop, think, draw conclusions. People quite often rush, rather try to start a new relationship after a divorce and hurt themselves and those they are drawn in more. What to do? Go into soul-searching and be sad, looking out the window? Write down your experiences in a notebook, cherish fears, or maybe immediately make an appointment with a psychotherapist?

Put it on pause

The psychotherapist, of course, is the way out, but you can try to go the other way. In one thing, Paul is certainly right: being distracted and having fun is one of the important transitional stages. But it is not necessary to be distracted by new object. You need to entertain yourself, although it is difficult. After all, moving into the status of a “lone wolf”, you have to learn to entertain yourself on your own. Almost like in a joke about red caviar - you have to force yourself.

Loneliness is a wonderful thing, you just need to know how to properly dispose of it. Being in a relationship, we often lose the pronoun "I" in the pronoun "we" not only at the level of vocabulary. Parting is an occasion to remember that it is “I” who loves and dislikes, without looking back at anyone. Remember what “I” enjoy and understand what I continue to do out of habit. Loneliness is an excuse to take time for yourself. From any beauty routine to abandoned hobbies that you never had time for while you were in a relationship. And there are relatives, friends, former classmates, classmates and just like-minded people whom you met on the Internet, but could not meet in any way. Active and positive loneliness is useful, and how long it will last: a month, three or a year is up to you. You will enter into a new relationship with a chance not to repeat past mistakes. In addition, when you are self-sufficient and interesting, it increases the likelihood of seeing someone who will be interesting not because he “reminds Vasya” or, conversely, does not look like him at all, but opposites attract. Open new chapter in your life without looking back to the past.

Better to do and regret than not to do and regret

Of course, there are exceptions to any rule. Here you are walking down the street all tear-stained and upset, rolling with an unhappy look on wheels, thinking about what kind of a scoundrel you have been for half an hour already. And here he is! He grabs a suitcase, puts you in the car, holds out a wet napkin with the smell of chamomile, and now “you are in a Tarantino movie in a silver car.” And live happily ever after. This is exactly the story that happened to Olesya. After parting with Igor, the girl did not leave the house for a week. Her condition has already begun to disturb her relatives. Sergey just made a mistake with the apartment, but when he saw Olesya crying, he decided to cheer her up. Practically pulled out to a nearby coffee shop, fed me ice cream and took me for a walk. Sergey Olesya did not feel sorry, did not console, did not try to become her vest. But for the fifth year now they have been together, signed three years ago, and a year ago they had a wonderful baby Alyoshka.

Now it’s irrelevant to find out if Olesya managed to tell Sergey something like “I’m afraid of a new relationship” or at least think about it. Sometimes life throws up romantic plots that are much more twisted and less believable than in the movies. Well, pauses can be short and long, but not always necessarily "MKhAT".

A too long pause is an extreme. At least because it becomes difficult to enter into a new relationship, and the further, the more difficult. It begins to seem that one is easier, freer, and safer. No one will offend, no one will limit, no one needs to adapt to anyone. And less chance be wrong again. Life passes in pursuit of an invented, non-existent ideal, none of real men cannot be compared with him. Everyone can hurt, and no one will guarantee that sooner or later a new relationship will not end. The fear of parting becomes prevalent. Fearing to make a mistake, we miss opportunities, in fact limiting ourselves. And if time runs, and you are all cautious, remain alone and cannot overcome desired button, it is worth considering where it is and why the mechanism is idle for so long.

Probably, a real feeling can be frightened off or confused, mixed with other feelings left over from the past. A breakup is always stressful, but how to understand that it is love in a tense situation? It is difficult to evaluate a new connection objectively without comparing it with the one that just ended. The secret is that a new relationship cannot be better or worse. They are different. Feel the difference.

Question to the psychologist:

Hello! I have never faced such a problem: I am 21 years old, I am quite an ordinary guy, I have never had problems with girls, as far as I can remember. It is worth talking about my lifestyle. They say about people like me: "Breaking Bad", "Neither here nor there". I can drink in company, have fun with friends, smoke cigarettes - but I do sports. I speak loudly and a lot, sometimes I resort to non-normative vocabulary - but nevertheless I read a lot of thin. Literature and have a musical education. I like to walk at night for a flight - at the same time I help my parents during the day and work, not sleep. My problem is this: I met a girl, our lifestyles are radically different. She is a "homebody", loves to read literature, take care of plants. Almost never walks, prefers healthy lifestyle life. Very shy (which actually scares me). But I really like her and I think that this is mutual. Is it worth it to start a relationship with a person? How to behave with such a girl? I want to try and I see that she wants it too, but I'm afraid that we will not get along as they say "characters", and I will hurt her by leaving her. I have never encountered such problems, the former girls were a match for me. This same person is very closed, very tactful and shy. I literally pull out all the words, but there is not much progress, of course, in a personal meeting, I managed to turn our communication from my monologue into a general dialogue. Although with difficulty. I am worried that we will have nothing to talk about, it will be boring together. That I won’t be able to “stir up” her, although I am a very sociable person, even seemingly with an enemy, I can find mutual language. I am 21 years old. I am a student at the moment. I met this girl a few weeks ago. Currently we just communicate, or rather we correspond in social network. We walked 1 time, and, I understand that everything is in my hands, but something seems to be holding me, I’m afraid that I will be disappointed in her, I won’t be able to become attached and hurt her. I'm at a dead end, please help.

The psychologist Flying Igor Anatolyevich answers the question.

Arthur, hello. You need to understand that people's advice can be radically contradictory and everyone will give them based on their own life experience. If opinions are divided approximately equally, then what will you personally do? You must clearly understand that the decision should be made only by you, after weighing all the pros and cons. To make a decision, at the beginning, think about whether you personally are ready to start working on yourself in order to be "not like everyone else", but to reach a different level of development. Are you ready to continue exercising but quit smoking? Just as competently prioritize and not walk at night .... If you do not change your lifestyle and your behavior, then this is unlikely girl fit To you. But if you wish, you can reconsider your views on life and start looking for a real compromise in relationships, take into account the opinion of the girl, but also offer yourself how you can spend time together and make plans for the future. In no case do I urge you to change your lifestyle, but I only emphasize that in order to start a relationship with a girl with such a character, then you need to start taking the first steps yourself and enjoy the fact that you become different man in good sense this word. If, however, you do not change, then these relations are unlikely to last for a long time .., disagreements and quarrels will begin, which will lead to a break in relations. In this case, it is better not to start serious relationship, but to meet a potential girl who will share your views on life. Any relationship is built on mutual sympathy and understanding, where the opinions of each partner are taken into account.

You met a man, he shows interest in you, but ... you don't feel in love into this person. You can, of course, refuse the gentleman immediately. However, it might be worth taking your time and seeing what can come out of a relationship without love? The site "Beautiful and Successful" considers all the pros and cons of such a decision.

Endure - but will you fall in love?

In general, the theory invented by our great-grandmothers about " endure - fall in love You can't call it reasonable. Once upon a time, this was little consolation for girls who were betrothed to a promising groom by their parents, who simply there was no chance to change anything and stop tolerating the unloved person next to you.

But now the alignment is completely different - a woman at any moment can tell a man that she does not feel anything for him. That is, it is not about enduring the inevitable, but about getting time for reflection, better knowledge and study of each other.

And what can come out of a relationship started without love?

Does this relationship have a chance?? Life shows that quite!

However, there are two approximate scenarios for the development of relationships without falling in love on the part of a woman - relatively speaking, constructive and destructive.

constructive scenario: over time, the initial simple sympathy to a man either develops into love (and it really happens!), Or disappears altogether. In the first case, everything is clear - advice and love! But in the second option, you just need to figure yourself out in time and “leave the game”.

Otherwise, the second scenario is destructive. A woman inspires herself that this particular man is her “last hope”, and “ the main thing is that he is in love with me". Sometimes this is supplemented by grandiose plans for re-education, thanks to which this instance of a man will allegedly turn into Mr. Ideal. Then begins a thorough "hilling" of the gentleman, aimed at creating the illusion of reciprocity in him. Sometimes it even ends with a wedding!

And then... then comes disappointment. The woman sees that the re-education failed, her own " pink glasses” stop working, and mutual claims begin.

The essence of this conflict on the part of a woman: Why don't you become what I want?! You love me! Come on, quickly turn into a prince!!!

The man, on the other hand, begins to understand that there is no smell of love here, and, as a rule, he tries to escape from the trap - but this is already problematic, since the woman does not want to let him go out of a sense of ownership!

Basically, there are the third scenario of relationships without love - union-friendship. It is impossible to call this option destructive - it is a rather solid construction, which is not shaken by all sorts of storms of passions!

There are times when such couples of “friends” spouses live together for a long and quite happy life. Although, of course, this option may not seem acceptable to everyone - mutual understanding, of course, is good, but without sighs under the moon it is somehow uninteresting ...

In addition, there is a risk of suddenly meeting a prince, falling head over heels in love and pointing the door to a good guy with whom she had previously built seeming strong relationship without love!

Is "one love for two" enough?

Often there is such female logic: « The main thing is that he loves me- this will be the guarantee successful union". But in reality, how long will such a “one-sided game” last?

To begin with, men are rarely so blind as to not understand the situation and not notice the lack of love on the part of a woman.

Therefore, advice from the site site - better not to lie and not to hand out false confessions!

If a man agrees to a relationship without falling in love, then one of two things: either he himself also wants to understand his feelings and also needs certain period recognition of each other, or, on the contrary, he is so in love that he agrees to give the woman time to think. This is if you do not take into account the so-called " relationship without obligation", when there is no talk of falling in love at all - and in fact, sometimes they turn into true love!

But in a distant strategy, count on what a man will adore and sigh, and a woman will continue to only allow herself to be loved, it’s not worth it - sooner or later one of them will get tired of it, and the couple will scatter!

So is it worth starting a relationship without falling in love?

Arguments per»:

Lack of rose-colored glasses". You can really evaluate a person without losing sight of his features and shortcomings.
There is a time to appear friendship. But if love also appears later, then this union can be very successful!
The "won" love of a woman, if any, a man is likely to appreciate more than sudden love!

Arguments against":

If you really, really don’t feel anything for a person from the very beginning, then maybe you won't feel.
There is a risk of convincing yourself that it is worth developing a relationship without much love with " good guy", and give yourself no chance to find true love!
romantic stage in a relationship it still means a lot, to do without it at all means to miss something ...

But, of course, it is impossible to suggest the exact solution, anyway - you decide!