We constantly worry about extra kilos grams, gray hair, first wrinkles, pimples, short legs, small breasts and so on ad infinitum. And even the most scary man quite calmly refers to his reflection in the mirror, and, perhaps, even considers himself Apollo. Why is that?

It's all about psychology psychological differences. Well, look, the most early childhood. Fairy tales. What about in fairy tales? beautiful, unearthly beauty princess and strong, brave prince or knight. That is, even in fairy tales in a veiled form it is said that the prince can be ugly, because strength and courage are much more important. And besides everything else, often parents themselves can give up on their son - they get dirty, it’s not scary, it’s not a girl. Or here's a common phrase - "scars - the best decoration men". And the girl, on the contrary, is told from childhood to take care of herself - “You are our princess!”

So the girls have been trying to be princesses since childhood: first they do like their mother, then they overtake their mother. First they worry that they look too young, then they worry that they look too old. First, they worry about pimples and rush time so that they disappear as soon as possible, then they try to stop time in order to avoid wrinkles and gray hair. First they wait for the breasts to grow, and then they struggle to keep their shape and size at the highest level.

And what sacrifices do women make for the sake of beauty: they increase their nails, hair, pluck their eyebrows, do depilation, and some even plastic surgery are solved! And all - for the sake of cherished beauty and male admiration. What about men? Crooked legs are not a problem, but they are not "women's". Baldhead - yes, even more solid and erotic. Small dick - small and daring! Agree, now, after all, not every man even shaves every day in the morning, not to mention the evening. And for some reason, male gray hair is always “impressive”, don’t you think?

And only the most brave woman dares to walk with unshaven legs without complexes. Although it will be more of a challenge to society than complete satisfaction with your body. Tell me, is there at least one of you who is completely, 100% satisfied with her appearance? I'm willing to bet not.

I myself, who receives several compliments every day different men, I suffer terribly about the shape of the nose and abdomen (by the way, the latter is a congenital feature and is not corrected by any exercises on the press). And I’m also enraged by pimples that appear on the eve of “women’s” days, and the first White hair from 19 years old. But at the same time, I'm 45 kg., And I look not at 25, but at a maximum of 20. But I'm still unhappy!

Dear V.A! I beg you!

I am 26 years old, from the age of 13 I have a dream of attractiveness, envy of all pretty people. I'm not just ugly, I'm disgusting. I have (...) a repulsive expression on my face. Look at the photographs and pass judgment, but please, no psychotherapeutic compliments. In addition to everything, a terrible character. I can’t smile, I can’t calmly look people in the eyes, my every movement is forced, unnatural, in everything the fettering tension weakens only when I am left alone, within four walls. I can’t talk to anyone normally, everything is jammed and empty in my head, as if in a fog, and there is only one desire: to stop this torture as soon as possible. When talking with people, I only think about what they think about my appearance. When I pass by someone, they look at me in such a way that (...).

Almost all ex girlfriends got married, some have already divorced. We recently met by chance with one of these divorcees. She told me with tears that her husband had left her because of not enough (...).

I was at the district psychiatrist. He listened and said with a smile: “You are normal. Take it easy. Appearance doesn't matter." That's all. I almost guess I'll hear the same thing from you.

After all, this is not true. Appearance has great value but for a woman it is everything. I can't admit I'm normal.

How to achieve naturalness? I know that there are beauties without charm. But even a little spontaneity ... Is it really hopeless?

The case is typical, and the case is serious. When quoting, I removed from the text the description of accompanying physical ailments (all bodily manifestations of a deep chronic neurosis), and I also remove the corresponding places in the answer. I'm tweaking a few things for a wider audience.

Dear I.T.!

No, they didn't guess. I am not going to and will not even think of trying to persuade you psychotherapeutically that appearance, they say, does not have special significance. It has. Special.

Well, for example, this. One young lady, before becoming my patient, made a serious attempt to go to another world for the sole reason that in the scheduled time she was not able to lose 5 extra pounds of weight, which she considered detrimental to her waist and the accompanying success in life. By the way, her weight was 65 kg with a height of 166 cm - normal, in general, weight. But she wanted to weigh exactly 60 kg, and no more. Well, let's even assume that they really were superfluous, these 5 kilograms, they gave five extra centimeters of waist circumference. But measuring your life in kilograms, equating it to five centimeters, is already tragic, don't you think? Another lady, desperate to do anything about the stubborn redness of her nose (which, by the way, only she noticed), stopped going out into the street . Stopped having guests. She stopped communicating with anyone at all. Finally, she put on a gauze bandage - and began to live in a mask. I didn’t always take pictures even at night: I got used to it ...

So, as you can see, appearance really means a lot, a lot. The question is - FOR WHOM.

Hundredfold illusion. Please stay focused - this is important! You are sure that others pay close attention to your appearance. Let's assume that this is the case. Have you noticed another amazing phenomenon? So you put on a new dress or, say, new shoes, then you go out into the street, go to the cinema, to the store ... And then everyone is looking at you - well, literally everyone, as if on command! They stare, turn out! .. And what do they care about you? After all, the dress is not some super fashionable, ordinary dress, perhaps new ...

True, they look like this only on the first day or two, and then for some reason they lose interest. Although the dress seems to be still new...

I explain. This is one of the most common perceptual illusions associated with what psychologists call the "projection" of feelings. In fact, when you put on your ordinary new dress, you are looked at no more and no less than when you go out in your old one. But while you yourself are not used to the new, that is, while your appearance is the subject of your own increased attention, it seems to you that it attracts and increased attention surrounding.

Understood? .. IT SEEMS TO YOU. And so it seems to EVERYONE in a similar position. The illusion of perception is the work of an invisible conjurer who is sitting in us. And this magician is called egocentrism.

Of course, something super-original can attract attention, I do not argue. But ask yourself: is your curiosity aroused strongly, and most importantly, for how long, if someone who looks different from you passes by? .. Forgotten - in a split second. Yes, and swept about? .. After all, the views for the most part are unconscious, automatic.

I ask for unremitting attention. To help yourself, you need to understand yourself. And in order to understand yourself, you need to understand at least some details of universal human psychology. Please understand: to some extent, every person is under the illusion that his appearance is the subject of the closest attention of others and is constantly evaluated by them. And you UNDERSTAND AND REMEMBER - THIS IS NOT SO!

Take into account another fact, repeatedly confirmed by psychological experiments. The average man is a man! - at least 10 times more concerned about their own appearance than the appearance of anyone else. In women, starting from about 11 and up to about 56 years, this figure increases to one hundred. Yes! And in terms of appearance, you are also a hundred times more concerned with yourself than with others!

And so, and a hundred times wrong.

“Everyone makes mistakes, except for me. What are the tricks. I know, I see that they are looking at me, and most importantly, how they look ... "

I am not delusional: I learned long ago that it is not so easy to convince a person who is in an illusion, especially in an area that has such an exceptional, I would even say, without exaggeration, mind-blowing significance.

Well, well: even if they look, even if they look SO, as it seems to you. Does THAT mean much?

Hear to see. This famous phrase is attributed to Socrates, but I have seen something similar in the biographies of other sages. A student comes and looks reverently at the teacher. The teacher looks through the student with an unseeing gaze; the student continues to silently revere. The teacher continues to ignore; the student falls on his face... Finally, the teacher explodes: “Well, why are you crawling around here, getting in the way? TALK SO I CAN SEE YOU!"

Dear I., and now let me talk to you a little, not from the position of a doctor and psychologist, but from the position of an ordinary representative of your gender. I will reveal to you the secret of men, and not even one ...

Appearance as a result of suggestion. Attention!

Secret number one. WE ARE DIFFERENT. Please don't believe any of your friends who say that we all need only one thing to be "enough" and the like. It's not true, it's a stupid lie. We are very different, and we need something completely different. And we are so different that among us in the multitude there are both lovers and dislikes of ANY appearance, ANY shape of legs, nose and other things, as well as ANY age, ANY character ... Well, of course! After all, we ourselves different ages and characters, with different noses, eyes ...

That's Secret Number Two. THE REAL APPEARANCE OF A WOMAN WE DO NOT SEE.

You will be surprised: “How can you not see this? thin waist from a sprawling, graceful nose from not very? .. "

Well, how, how. Of course we are different. Just understand how to say it ... We distinguish in a peculiar way. The waist, for example, and the nose always seem to us excellent, if only the woman has beautiful, slender legs. Legs always seem slender to us when a woman has a beautiful mouth. And the mouth will be beautiful only if a woman has beautiful eyes. Beautiful eyes are when a woman smiles. But not just smiles, but smiles at us personally. And not just for us personally, but - how to put it ... With meaning.

Exactly. Meaning is nothing more. That's how they do it slender legs and waist beautiful nose, mouth and everything else. That's the whole secret of attractiveness, charm, etc. In other words, we fall in love not with that woman who is beautiful or at least not ugly, but just the opposite: with whom we fall in love, she is beautiful, even if she is scary for someone say that. "Not good for good, but good for good." And so, we do not see the real appearance at all (and who knows what it is real?), But only the one that the woman INSUMPTS us. And everything, therefore, is very simple: in order to become the most beautiful, the most beautiful in the world, it is enough for a woman to inspire us ...

Meaning is nothing more. But WHAT is the meaning?

This is Mystery Number Three.

Now I want to explain why I am revealing to you our men's secrets. Solely so that you do not worry about your appearance. No, I am not suggesting that you do not take care of yourself, do not take care of your hair, etc. Take care - yes, look after - yes, as much as you like. But to worry - no.

You need to worry about something completely different.

"Speak so I can see." But how do you speak? About what? With what intonation, with what mine, at what speed? .. And how to speak - if everything is clamped inside, everything is tense, like a string that is about to ...

Exactly. What and how will you talk about if you are squeezed, fettered, squeezed by your anxiety? ..

“... So, you only need to worry about what and how to talk about? .. But I worry about this, and even very much. And just this anxiety ... "

No, no, you don't understand. And about what, and how to speak - you should not worry about this.

Completely, completely different.

Soul and clothes. I look at your photograph, at your face and figure. No, do not expect any "sentences" or "psychotherapeutic compliments." I can't say anything about your appearance - I DON'T SEE. No "repulsive expression", no (...) - nothing. The face of a female person - that's all I can say. This person can belong to the barmaid, and the teacher, and the actress; its owner could be both a criminal and a saint, one could not notice him, one could turn away from him, one could passionately fall in love with him ...

The face is only a vessel that can be filled with curdled milk and precious wine. The same is true of the figure. I agree, yours is not a standard pattern from the cover of a fashion magazine. It is quite possible that someone will not like it, such as the figure of Venus de Milo, which one of my friends really does not like. (See Secret Number One). I think this way: your figure will become quite attractive if it is easy and free to move, if it is plastic. Freedom and ease of movement, plasticity, can only be given to any figure by spirituality - that inner content, that psychology, which always goes to the level of physiology. And especially easy - in combination with a fairly good physical condition, which, in turn, depends both on the above-mentioned content - the state of mind - and on your lifestyle, in all specific details: nutrition, exercise, stay outdoors.

In short, the figure is also a mirror of the soul.

Here we come to the most important thing. To what both the face and the figure are filled from the inside. What really makes our appearance attractive or repulsive. What you really need to worry about.

About meaning.

As it says there?.. "Everything in a person should be beautiful: the face, and clothes, and the soul, and thoughts." Yes, yes, everything has to be and is slightly worn out by endless repetitions ... But what if it doesn’t work out? .. If, for example, the face has cosmetic defects, and fine clothes Is there no sale or simply no money?.. If there are no beautiful thoughts for some reason either?.. If a beautiful soul is accidentally lost, for example, in a queue for the same clothes?.. And most importantly, if you have to choose an order, sequence, build hierarchy, what to put in the first place - a person or thoughts? Clothes or soul?

Normal case. Let me tell you about one twenty-nine-year-old woman, L., the head of the youth theater club at the Palace of Culture. This woman, at the age of 18, suffered a misfortune: a gas explosion burned her face. Scars are something terrible, you know. Cosmetic surgery was powerless, too deep tissue damage. It is impossible to smile, everything is tight. Vision, fortunately, was preserved, although not completely. Well, this L. is one of the most magnificent female creatures that I have ever met. A lot of friends wide circle interests. Capable director and talented teacher. She speaks several languages, is athletic, wonderfully musical.

When meeting new people, she usually, smiling inwardly, warns (she has a surprisingly soft voice): "Don't be scared, you'll get used to it now." Indeed, after two or three seconds, the initial perception disappears somewhere, as if dissolving. Before you is a sweet, lively, attractive face. Imagine this miracle - a miracle to which you immediately get used, as something taken for granted.

L. is charming and popular. He laughs: “I’m not going to change my passport at all, there is an old photograph ...” I saw this old photograph. She didn't seem any better to me than she is now, just something completely different. L. once mentioned, among other things, that from childhood she had a difficult character and some kind of inferiority complex. Now there is no complex. Recently married, going to become a mother. I know her husband, he is a charming man, an artist. He has one physical feature: missing both legs, moves on a trolley (also an accident). Nevertheless, he is full of energy, cheerful, witty, and therefore this feature ceases to be noticed after two or three seconds of communication ...

That's what SUGGESTED APPEARANCE is.

And - value.

Do you know that young Marina Tsvetaeva at one time went around with a shaved head, in a black cap and black glasses? She saved her spirit from premature physical flowering. She had too much success.

The more beautiful the exterior, the higher the demand for its inner justification - do you understand? ..

Accept the inevitable with courageous calmness; to be above envy and to be able to admire the virtues of others; not neglecting humor, including in relation to one's own person - this means correcting the incorrigible.

Those who suffer and get killed because of their appearance, who fixate on its real or imagined shortcomings, as well as those who evaluate others by “enough” or “not enough”, have one common and sad diagnosis... Alas, poverty . Deep spiritual poverty. And I want to say to all these sufferers and sufferers - all at once, without distinction of complexes and problems: calm down! Your problem is not at all in the waist (nose, legs, etc., cross out the unnecessary), but in the fact that you still cared too little about the meaning of your life. Give you even some kind of miracle waist (legs, nose.) - believe me, you will not become happier. You are not looking there.

Now we come to the most painful and difficult. If you want real help, not "psychotherapeutic compliments," don't blame me for being direct and listen to me to the end. I ask you to take my words not as criticism and denunciation, but only as a medical diagnosis.

Normal inflammation. I will not claim that you are normal or abnormal. That's not the point at all. If you use this word, then your misfortune and many of your comrades and girlfriends in misfortune is that you are too normal - yes, too. It is from normality (in your understanding) that you need to be treated.

The main thing you lack is an original attitude to life. The only true courage is to be yourself. You hardly have your own life values and measure of human dignity. You mistook something foreign, cheap and commonplace for yours. “Attractiveness”, “charm”, “cuteness” - what else is included in this small gentleman's set? .. Be successful, get married, live normally, like everyone else ... By the way, I would like to see). Market psychology. A slavish dependence on standard assessments of not the highest taste. In other words, spiritual underdevelopment. Not mental, but, I emphasize, spiritual. You envy the standard "pretty", the standard "spontaneous" (similarly, young people of the same level of requests envy the "strong", "impudent", "punch", "with a hanging tongue", etc.). You want to be at least as good as EVERYONE, you want to play the “healthy majority” game. And you don't want to accept the obvious: that this game is neither the best nor yours. And you are not aware that you have your own path that will lead you TO EVERYTHING AND TO EVERYTHING, but from a completely different side.

We can discuss this path with you, if you like, in the next letter. In the meantime, I'm waiting for a response...

Spiritualization

The Five First Steps to Self-Improvement

Dear I.,

Now you are finally asking about the most important thing, and I will summarize your questions:

In what, exactly, does the spiritual life consist or should it consist?

How to engage in spiritual self-improvement?

Of course, you understand: not a single letter, not a single book, not a single most ingenious head can contain the answers to these questions. The questions are universal, and the person writing to you is not an oracle, but just a person with his own subjectivity and limitations. But this is the hope that everyone raises and solves these questions himself, and there is no end to this and cannot be.

Spiritual life has no boundaries and is not subject to definitions.

Not “what”, but “how” and “why”. How and why do you eat and drink, move and sleep, communicate and read, work and think, live and die?..

common mistake: to think that “spiritual” is something “special”, “sublime”, etc. As if to live a spiritual life means to plunge into philosophical reflections, conduct penetrating conversations, write poetry, listen to organ masses, read highly intelligent books and so on and so forth.

Yes, the spiritual life includes THIS; its forms are as diverse as human life itself. But the spiritual life is not limited to this, and all this can be as spiritual as it is anti-spiritual...

Again, it's all about the meaning.

Any word and action, any moment of life, any look and sigh can be both spiritually filled and unspiritual, depending on the internal “how” and “why”. No one will ever determine this better than your own soul.

Anything that takes you out of your momentary self is spiritual. Spiritual is everything that connects you with life in general, even if only one other life of the most insignificant creature you help ... Any work done with the soul, in good faith - and a well-prepared dinner knitted cap, and well-repaired shoes...

Not what - but how and why. Every moment of life, every deed, every state of yours, even every dream provides opportunities for spiritual work. And the greatest thing that each of us can try to do in this world is to spiritualize our real everyday life and thereby spiritualize the life of others to the best of his ability, for one inevitably entails the other.

Let's outline

As you know, a child's self-esteem is formed on the basis of the opinion of his parents. About what he is - quick-witted or slow-witted, handsome or smart, neat or slovenly - first of all, he learns based on the assessments of mom or dad.

The perception of one's talents, skills and appearance is laid from childhood in the family. I grew up, supported by my mother's flattering assessments. Therefore, by the age of 8-9, when I began to think at least a little, I already knew: I am a diligent, serious girl beyond her years with blond curls, amazing blue eyes And humanitarian warehouse mind.

And they also told me that I was not like everyone else: my mother did her best for this - she sewed herself, knitted dresses and suits for me. She said: “No one will have this!” And I used to consider myself special. Well, at least I always tried to look different than everyone who dressed at the flea market, because the unusual has become part of my identity.

As a child, I wore sweaters and dresses knitted and sewn by my mother.

With this wonderful feeling own uniqueness, I entered adolescence. And immediately faced with the fact that self-perception is influenced by all sorts of standards of beauty. Then, in the early 2000s glossy magazines and television broadcast a certain stereotype, under which I did not fall in any way. Against the background of sun-fried to the state of chicken-grilled pop stars, my pale skin looked miserable and slightly blue.

I remember that up until the age of 20 I tried to squeeze the maximum out of the short Siberian summer: I sunbathed to burns, purposefully did not use sunscreen. Then she fanatically peeled off the peeling skin and sighed in despair: the desired golden hue never showed up. The solarium did not help, made it worse.

Self-tanning saved the situation a little: it allowed me to feel at least a little more “normal”. But now, looking at my photos of 13 years ago, I can’t help laughing: from there, a girl is looking at me, through her sloppy yellow spots the smug expression of a beauty queen appears on her face.

In the early 2000s, getting beautiful was easy: you just had to add a little self-tanner.

And yet, the opinion of loved ones greatly helps to ignore the generally accepted canons of beauty. My then-husband made it clear to me in every way that I had beautiful shape nails and I don't need 5cm acrylic tips. That my pale skin looks aristocratic and, most importantly, soft to the touch. That I'm beautiful the way nature made me.

And when we had the opportunity to travel the world, I realized that being in a different culture, you can completely change the idea of ​​\u200b\u200bits appearance.

For example, in Thailand you can feel like a top model: quite an average Russian 172 cm tall raised me above the one and a half meter Thais, attracting attention. Yet again porcelain skin, which had to be sheltered from the scorching sun and tunics with long sleeves, caused a stir: the inhabitants of the island of Koh Chang ran to look at this marvel, some even took pictures.

Only in 2012 it dawned on me that pale skin is also beautiful

In Europe - the area of ​​victorious equality - I, like any Russian, always looked more advantageous against the background of "body-positive" Italians, Germans and French women. Still: I then went in for swimming, ran regularly and "ate right." I had great shape And complete absence cellulite. This is because in Russia the requirements for appearance over time, they became even tougher: a couple of extra kilos, and now you are already a lazy fat woman worthy of shame. By the way, despite all the efforts, it has always been difficult for me to feel beautiful and desirable while living in Moscow.

If you wear jeans, sneakers, (at least as creative as you like) - you are invisible to men. And for women - an individual who despised his own feminine essence, immuring her in normcore. And that means - an asexual misunderstanding, not a woman.

For a while, I suffered from the fact that society imposes standards that, like it or not, must be met. And then I read from a psychologist, our regular author, the following thought: “There is no“ oppressive society ”existing. There are our complicated relationship with internal and external figures to whom we have appropriated too much power, whose opinion for some reason we put above our own. And we are trying to match it. Although it would be much more correct to focus on your inner life code.

What does a teenager see in the mirror?

One of the main problems that concern teenagers is the assessment of their appearance: face, figure, physical data. Many of them seem to constantly ask themselves the question: “How do I correspond to the ideas of beauty accepted in my environment and in modern world? Many other personal qualities depend on the degree of satisfaction of adolescents (especially girls) with their appearance - cheerfulness, openness, sociability. Adolescents who negatively evaluate their appearance are more prone to depression and anxiety. Is it possible to help young men and women cope with such experiences and gain self-confidence?

Parents and teachers of teenagers know that this is an age full of contradictions and painful experiences. Attitude to one's appearance is one of the problems that especially concern teenagers of both sexes.
A teenager not only evaluates his own appearance too meticulously, but is also extremely sensitive to her assessment by other people. Comparing himself with his peers, he forms an idea of ​​himself, creates an image of his "psychological I" and "bodily I", that is, "physical".
For a teenager, appearance is not just a reflection in the mirror. This is confidence and sociability, this is a pass to any company and status in a peer group. Attitude towards one's appearance can form the basis of self-esteem in general.

Self-esteem is made up of self-knowledge and self-esteem. A person acquires knowledge about himself through communication with other people in the family and in society. But this knowledge does not remain neutral: over time, it is colored by various emotions, both negative and positive. And these emotions can be strong and intense.
“When I was little, up to ten years old, I was sure that I was very pretty. So said the adults who surrounded me. They were especially touched by my little nose. They said it was very beautiful. I remember how happy I was when I heard those words. But then everything changed. As I grew up, my features changed. And the same adults began to say with regret: wow, but there was such a pretty nose, how unlucky - now only the nose is visible on the whole face. They were very sympathetic to me.
I sat in front of the mirror for hours and tried to draw it in somehow to make it look smaller, but nothing worked. It seemed to me that with such a nose you can’t go out into the street - everyone will look at him and laugh. In autumn, winter and spring, I wore scarves and wrapped half my face with them to cover my huge nose. Only then did I feel at ease. And she told everyone that I had chronic tonsillitis (I don’t know if this happens). Now that I have grown up, I see that my nose is the most ordinary and I shouldn’t have been so worried. But sometimes, out of habit, I pull it in absolutely automatically.”
At For girls, self-esteem largely depends on the assessment of the attractiveness of their face and body, for boys, on the assessment of body effectiveness, that is, on sports skills.
“Physical education lessons were a real torment for me. In one quarter, to my mother's horror, I "lost" three or four physical education forms. This saved me from the ridicule of my classmates for a while. The deuce seemed like nonsense compared to what I was able to avoid in this way. Not only at the lesson, but also in the locker room after the lesson (and especially in the locker room), I became the object of not only ambiguous jokes, but also outright humiliation. How I hated myself and my classmates for not being able to pull up! Of course, I then learned everything. But I could have learned much earlier, if not for this sticky fear every time and the feeling of many mocking eyes that look at you and expect your failure. Even now, in difficult moments, I sometimes lose confidence and remind myself of that helpless fat teenager on the horizontal bar.
P Psychologists have long discovered the relationship between self-esteem of their appearance in adolescents and other important personality traits.

Psychologists believe that there are two main myths that determine the self-centered behavior of adolescents and their focus on evaluation. own appearance.
The first is the myth of one's own exclusivity. This myth makes a teenager believe in the uniqueness and originality of his experiences, his experience. reverse side uniqueness is always a feeling of loneliness: “No one understands me”, “No one can love like me”, “No one can suffer like me”, “No one has problems like me”.
Understanding the universality of human experiences (with the absolute uniqueness of each individual) is painful and saving at the same time: after all, if someone experienced something similar, it means that he can understand you and share your pain, he can help.
The second myth is the myth of the imaginary audience.
“Today at the lesson, the psychologist told us about ourselves - about teenagers. A lot of everything. For example, she spoke about the “imaginary audience”. As if it seems to teenagers that they are in life - like on stage: everyone looks at them and everyone evaluates them.
I'm a little confused right now. It turns out that I simply attribute to other people the intention to consider and evaluate me. In fact, other people do not think about me, but about themselves. And even if they make some remarks about appearance, it is not to offend, but because they are worried about their appearance and therefore they look for flaws in others. But I still think that my shortcomings are very striking to people.
It is this excessive self-concern that leads teenagers to think that others are equally concerned about their appearance or behavior.

Adolescence It is also a time for experimenting with your own appearance. What is hidden behind the repeatedly dyed hair, unthinkable hairstyles, piercings, original clothes And bright makeup? Is it just the depravity of teenagers and their desire to stand out from the crowd at all costs or emphasize their belonging to a certain group?
The psychological meaning of experiments with one's own appearance is in the search for one's own image; through changes in appearance, a teenager seeks and reveals his identity (his self). The appearance of a teenager (and an adult too) is a kind of message to the world about who he wants to be. But in an adult self image, as a rule, already established, and in a teenager - only emerging. Therefore, adults, when introducing rules regarding clothing and hairstyles, should remember that there is always a risk of their violation by those adolescents who actively seek their image or use their appearance precisely as a tool to protest against the rules set by adults. (And then the point here is no longer in appearance, but in the way adults and adolescents interact and their ability to discuss problems and negotiate.)
"Even when introduced school uniform, we still tried to bring at least a drop of individuality into this boring suit: shorten the skirt, hem the lace, put something bright under the jacket. And we still wore make-up, even when the director banned cosmetics. I put on makeup because without a pencil I have completely expressionless eyes and I began to feel terrible in class. And with the eyeliner, I was confident in myself and even answered much better.
“When I faced the rules, I really wanted to do the opposite. The teachers were afraid that I'm a bad influence on the other guys. I was the only one in the class who wore long hair. And then I painted them in two colors - black and white. And everyone thought that I was just mocking the teachers. Well, part of me wanted to annoy them a little. And there was only one teacher to whom I could tell that black and white is inside me. It's like angels and devils, like good and evil, and you are pulled in both directions at once. When you can't understand what you really are - an exemplary son of your parents or a street hooligan? Top school athlete or truant? Ham or quiet? And it was not clear how to reconcile this in oneself, how to stop this internal struggle. Then I calmed down and dyed my hair back.”

Domestic psychologist A.A. Leontiev described an experiment in which the so-called "halo effect" appeared. During the experiment, teachers were asked to evaluate the personal affairs of students. They were faced with the task of determining, on the basis of the personal files of students, the level of development of their intellect, the attitude of parents to school, the plans of students for further continuation education and peer attitudes. At the same time, all participants in the experiment were given the same personal file, but different photographs were attached to it with obviously pleasant and obviously unpleasant faces of the students being evaluated. It turned out that teachers attributed more attractive children high intelligence, intention to continue education, parents who are more involved in their upbringing, and a higher status among peers.

TO Unfortunately, a negative assessment of their appearance in adolescents can be provoked by careless remarks from others. Not immune from subjectivity and teachers.
As a rule, over time, teenagers outgrow experiments on their own appearance; dissatisfaction with oneself also remains in the past.
However, sometimes it happens that a critical attitude towards one's appearance becomes painful. For such conditions, the Italian psychiatrist and psychologist E. Morzelli proposed the term dysmorphophobia.

The main symptoms of dysmorphophobia, indicating the painful nature of fears:

mirror symptom - constant, obsessive looking at oneself in the mirror in order to verify the presence or absence of a “defect” and try to find the position and turn of the face that hide the flaw;

photo symptom – avoidance or categorical refusal to take photographs, destruction of their photographs in order to hide the defect.

With dysmorphophobia, other behavioral signs: for example, attempts to hide a real or imaginary defect with the help of an excessive amount of cosmetics or clothing, a feeling of embarrassment in society, an obsessive search for information about how to eliminate a defect, etc. Most often, dissatisfaction is caused by skin condition, height, weight, facial features and body shape.
The danger is that a "minor" disorder that "only" poisons life can develop into serious illness, in which the idea handicap turns into a real mess. In such cases, the patient's idea of ​​himself is absolutely untrue and cannot be dissuaded. Unfortunately, there are even suicide attempts against the background of strong depressive experiences. Therefore, it is very important to notice the danger in time and seek professional psychiatric help. Early treatment usually leads to good results.
serious mental disorders associated with dissatisfaction with one's own appearance, are still less common than "usual" teenage experiences.
How to help dissatisfied teenagers?
A teenager with low self-esteem needs the help of a psychologist: there are many ways to help change the attitude towards yourself and start respecting and loving yourself.

“I honestly told the psychologist about my problems - that I don’t like myself, that I’m fat, ugly, that I don’t even want to live. She gave me several assignments - something like tests, but only it was necessary not to answer questions, but to draw, and then she began to explain to me.
It turns out that my problem is low self-esteem. That is, as I understand it, it’s not me who is bad, but I treat myself badly, especially in terms of appearance.
She explained that it is only in childhood that self-esteem depends on the parents, while the child is small. And then he becomes his own master and self-esteem can be corrected. There are even special exercises for this. Here is our first exercise.
It is necessary to make a table, on the left side write negative statements about yourself (those that are due to low self-esteem). And then it’s more difficult - on the right side, opposite each negative statement, write the opposite, good one. For example, on the left it says "I'm fat" - so on the right we write "I have a good figure." On the left is written "I'm ugly" - on the right we write "I have quite a pleasant appearance." Well, and so on. Then the left list can be thrown out, and we read the right column to ourselves twice a day ...
Of course, these exercises did not improve my skin and the figure, in general, is the same. And I don't really like them (skin and figure). Strange, but now I can calmly think about it and write about it. I decided not to take diet pills. I won't go to the gym either. I wonder how I could forget, but I always wanted to dance! So from tomorrow I'm going to the dance. I also read on the site that swimming is good for the figure. Gotta get a pool pass! I will love myself and change slowly.”

From the diary of an eighth grader*

X It’s good when a tactful, understanding adult is nearby, who will help the teenager understand himself and the reason for his experiences, reduce their tension and suggest a way out. For a teenager, a positive assessment of his appearance is very important: he needs to talk more often about the merits of his appearance, that he is beautiful (sweet, attractive, handsome, charming).
The warm and accepting attitude of adults will help even a not very attractive child to grow up happy.

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