A child beats parents: causes and solutions to the problem. Husband beats a child: what to do

20.05.2019

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- My son beats me,- with such a recognition, one neighbor came to another.

Two women who had been friends for a long time were united by one misfortune. They helped, nursed each other when one of them was lying with broken ribs or an arm, or even with a concussion. They didn't work in dangerous jobs. They did not suffer from serious illnesses. They had one grief for two - the violence of children over their parents.

Life has become unbearable. Expect the situation to resolve itself? Is there any point in this patience? Will it bring positive results? All precisely substantiated answers to questions can be obtained at the training System-Vector Psychology Yuri Burlan.

Let's talk in more detail.

Adult daughter beats mother: what to do

The alarm sounds louder in society, in the media about the problem of domestic violence. But more often they talk about beatings of minors, about the fact that spouses raise their hands against each other. If such an event occurs, there special services, helplines, points where an injured teenager can apply, battered wife. There will be shelter for them, and they will connect to help social workers and law enforcement services.

But if there was violence of children against parents - where to go, who to contact? We do not have such representatives who would deal with this problem. Unpromising. Who needs these old people...

- My son beats me, what should I do? one of the women cries.

- adult daughter beats mother,- with tears echoes the other.

Unbearable moral pain is added to the physical. The one to whom he gave his whole life is your child! Now he's trying to take it from you.

What is the way out of the situation? Why don't you call the police? "Whatever he may be, but he is my child, I feel sorry for him."

Why parents hate their own children

Both women are wonderful mothers, kind, loving. For the last 35 years they have lived side by side, next door. They raised children together. Raised no worse than others. One is a widow, she worked two jobs so that her son had everything. The second daughter grew up in complete family, was the youngest, spoiled.

Children are always shod, dressed, well-fed. Of course, sometimes they received a belt, not without it. But I wanted to bring up good, honest people. They tried for them. They grew up like that - they don't drink, they don't take drugs, good job. It is all the more surprising that respectable citizens do such evil.

- Beats me adult son, - such a recognition can be heard from many women.

Yuri Burlan at the training System-Vector Psychology reveals that it is people with an anal vector that are capable of causing bodily harm. By nature, these are the most caring daughters and sons. The most decent, honest, good-natured.

Since childhood, they are strongly attached to their mother. They need parental approval, they try to be the best so that their parents praise. For them, mother is a saint.

These are people who have excellent memories. They are tied to the past. They remember their childhood very well. And only they are able to be offended, remember insults and carry them through their whole lives. You can often hear from them that their mother loved their brother or sister more.

My son beats me: reasons

Yuri Burlan at the training System-Vector Psychology gives psychological picture person and explains why he abuses his parents.

Beating a father or mother is nothing more than a desire to get a discharge, taking out their pain and resentment. A man not from joy rushes with his fists at his relatives. He screams and howls in pain!

The very ones who love wonderful parents, of course, also from Great love raised their child with a belt. They did not understand that they were the only guarantor of safety and security for the baby.

When parents undeservedly offend their son or daughter, scream or beat - thereby stopping the child in his mental development. He fails to develop best qualities embedded in it by nature. And such a child becomes adulthood cruel sadist.

Sometimes mom doesn't have much time. She comes late from work, tired, she still has to cook, clean, wash. And the child wants to play, talk. He lacks his mother's warmth and participation.

Then he grows up and says: “I didn’t give enough, I didn’t like it.” Recorded grievances from childhood grow, acquire new ones. Someone all his life cannot forgive his parents and reproaches. And someone starts to take revenge.

For example, the famous Soviet-era announcer Valentina Leontiev, who hosted her favorite children's programs "Visiting a fairy tale", " Good night, kids, ”the adult son beat. He took revenge on his mother for the fact that for millions of children she was the beloved aunt Valya, while he suffered from loneliness and dreamed of being with his mother.

You can't leave everything to chance

The past cannot be changed, even if you understand where you made mistakes. It is necessary to figure it out right now: when an already adult son beats his mother - what to do.

If you feel that there is a chance to improve relations, try to talk heart to heart with an adult child. Ask to tell why the son behaves this way. Listen carefully, don't interrupt, don't make excuses. Let me express everything in the most calm and friendly atmosphere. Have pity on your child. Try to understand how bad he is.

Pick up the right words you know him best weak spots and habits. Support and tell him how much you love him. Don't hold back your feelings. If you decide to have this conversation, let it be sincere.

But if you have gone through repeated, brutal beatings, you need to ring all the bells. Many parents who have been abused by their children continue to hide and endure in the hope that everything will work out.

You say going to the police is a last resort. It is necessary to clearly understand that the beatings will not stop, they will only go on increasing. One day the "executioner" will not be able to stop and complete his work. You can justify and forgive your child in your soul, but not become a victim. You definitely need to take care of yourself. Your son or daughter is now an adult and should be legally responsible for their behavior.

Son beats mother: what to do

For this question, you will receive accurate and specific advice at a free online training System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan. You will be able to understand the underlying causes of violence against parents in the family, to even out your own conditions in order to stop being a victim. Learn to understand your children and build emotional connections so as to become the closest and dearest people.

You have great chance be happy again one family. Most importantly, you can radically change your life for the better.

The article was written using the materials of Yuri Burlan's online training "System-Vector Psychology"

often read

Yana Grivkovskaya, writer, journalist

My close girlfriend have been married for more than ten years, and she and her husband are raising a teenage son. Her husband is a former military man, a serious businessman and endowed with a rather stern disposition, and her son is now going through the usual period of teenage rebellion. My girlfriend has a rather mild character and, without noticing it herself, spoiled her son so much that he practically ceased to recognize parental authority, while dad was constantly busy with work.

At some point, the situation became very aggravated when the son began to disappear at night, stopped devoting time to study. The father finally decided to try to influence the young man, and after a couple of unsuccessful conversations, having heard rudeness in response, he took up the belt. For several months now, the situation has not changed in any way, and cases of assault in their family are repeated. This is very disturbing to her friend, but she does not dare to confront her husband in this, because she knows his quick temper and is afraid of falling under hot hand. At the same time, the whole picture is aggravated by the fact that on the part of the son, such behavior of the father causes only resistance, and no changes in his behavior occur: this is a vicious circle!

I advised her to take her son and leave her husband at least for a while, because it was impossible to continue silently watching this story. Here, the help of a psychologist is simply needed: as the mother of a teenage son, I know that such methods of education will not lead to anything good. And, of course, legal advice will come in handy - in case the situation gets completely out of control.

Word to psychologist

Alina Delisse, psychologist

Your advice to a friend might actually make sense. But before taking any action, it is necessary to understand the situation in detail.

You should start with a frank dialogue. A woman should overcome fear in herself and try to explain to her husband that his methods of education not only do not bring benefits, but are also fraught with final discord in the family. And depending on the circumstances, you can offer different ways to solve the problem.

Option 1. The fact that your girlfriend is afraid not only for the child, but also for herself, because of which she tries not to come into conflict with her husband on the topic of upbringing, is very alarm signal. Perhaps over the years family life she herself became a victim of aggression from her husband. If so, then most likely she is dealing with a real domestic tyrant, and change the situation to this stage will be practically impossible. The best way out in this case would be to leave your spouse. The thing is, the situation will only get worse with time. Your girlfriend's son will inevitably begin to accumulate psychotrauma, which can negatively affect his future family life. In addition, your girlfriend herself, against the background of this situation, will progress neurosis.

Option 2. If your girlfriend is so frightened by the behavior of her husband because, on the contrary, it is unusual for him, then the situation can be solved in a less radical way. But here it is impossible to do without family psychologist. Despite the busyness of her husband and the protest mood of her son, she must convince all family members of the need for family therapy and invite a psychologist to the house. Good specialist will help to understand the causes of outbreaks of aggression in her husband. Perhaps in this way he unconsciously takes out the stress associated with work.

Option 3. Or perhaps the root of the problem lies in the upbringing of your girlfriend's husband himself. Unfortunately, the parents who use force against their children are most often those who themselves in childhood faced with physical punishment. We just unconsciously copy the behavior of our mothers and fathers in relation to our own children. Stopping this process can also help family psychotherapist, and the main part of the work will be carried out with the father of the family.

Word to the lawyer

Anton Palyulin, head of the legal bureau "Palyulin and partners"

What the law says

Art. 116 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation states that beatings or other violent acts that caused pain, but did not cause a short-term health disorder or a slight permanent loss of general ability to work (more than 6 days), in relation to close persons (including native children) are also a crime. As a measure of punishment, the legislator determined a term of up to two years in prison and other criminal law consequences.

What should a mother do if her child was beaten by her husband

According to paragraph 2 of Art. 20 of the Code of Criminal Procedure of the Russian Federation, criminal cases of battery are initiated only at the request of the victim, and in this case- his legal representative (mother).

First of all, the mother should go with the child to the first-aid post and fix the injuries (bruises, traces of slaps, torn hair, ears reddened from strong physical impact, fingers and other marks of beatings).

After receiving a medical examination, you should go to the district police department and write a statement about the crime. The duty unit and the district police officer must have special forms for such cases.

In the application, indicate the people who are ready to confirm the beatings, and their contacts. Attach a copy of the medical certificate.

Reconciliation and dismissal

The investigator with the consent of the prosecutor, the investigator with the consent of the head of the investigative body or the court (depending on at what stage of the criminal prosecution this happens) has the right to dismiss the case in connection with the reconciliation of the parties. But this is only possible if:

This is the first prosecution in the father's biography;

Reconciliation is recorded in the procedural documents;

Compensated for the damage caused (if required) medical treatment, then it must be passed).

Important note: since in such a situation the victim is a child, i.e., a knowingly helpless person, the internal affairs bodies and the court may refuse to terminate the case upon reconciliation of the parties. Then the father will have to be punished by the court.

Child abuse in the family is always shocking, especially when you come face to face with it. Helplessness in this situation, the inability to help the child, sympathy for a tiny creature that cannot defend itself - all these feelings are overwhelmed when you see a father or mother, beating their child with a frenzy. What to do and how to help the baby? The first step is to help your parents.

Sometimes parents beat their children just like that, for no reason at all. Just to vent evil or assert their authoritarian power. And in the vast majority of cases, parents beat their children in what they call educational purposes- usually, punishing for faults and disobedience.

Domestic violence, do children or parents need help?

One day, near the store, I saw a boy, 7 years old, crying bitterly. He sobbed softly and not a single visual woman could pass by without sympathizing with him. But no one passed by, and the boy apparently wept for a long time alone.

I went up to him and asked if he was lost? He shook his head negatively. And continued to cry. After a short conversation, it became clear: the child is afraid of his father, afraid to go home. He sniffed, looked around and said that if there is a mother at home, she always protects him. But now my grandmother fell ill and my mother went to the village to be with her. And he stayed at home with his older sister and dad. Dad almost every day beats him with a belt without removing the buckle. The boy bent his head, tears dripped onto the pavement: "To make it more painful ..." and he shrank all over.

At that moment, a man approached us - young, tall, rather handsome. He pulled the boy by the hand, ignoring me. The child doomedly trudged after him, it became clear that this was the same father. I could not budge from surprise: during a conversation with a child, I got the feeling that his father is a real freak, a sadist, bullying a child. And here - a common person which is indistinguishable from others.

"Wait!" I yelled, "wait!" The man stopped and turned around, he calmly waited for me to come up and was not going to run away anywhere. "Why are you beating the child? He is afraid of you!" - I was sure that I have the right to say it. The man rapped out: "I beat, I beat and I will beat ..." I stared dumbfounded at him - how is this possible? In today's world where child abuse in the family is so condemned, he calmly declares this absolutely to a stranger. What if I'm from the police or from some social service? After all, there is some kind of punishment for such ...

"Your wife probably says: my husband is a domestic tyrant! Stop bullying your child! How can you live in peace when your child is crying?"

The man was silent. And then he said: “I beat him for the cause. He steals things from children at school. He has been going to school for six months, there are only complaints about him. And yesterday he stole from the teacher mobile phone from a handbag. How can I educate him? Yes, I beat him, I punish him! He deserved it."

I stopped. In the eyes of the father, a scarlet flame burned shame for own child. This conversation with me was very unpleasant for him, this interference in the life of his family, however, he did not leave the answer. Moreover, it was evident that the current situation with his son greatly disturbed him. He, as a father, does not like that his child commits crimes. And he understands that there is in this behavior of his child, paternal guilt. He can be understood - in every complaint about the theft of a child, he hears an accusation: How do you raise your son? Maybe you yourself are stealing, since the child grows up a thief? Where are you looking, a couple more years, and he will go to jail? But in fact, the father himself - honest man who never took anything!

There was a pause. So we stood. Me and two men: one with righteous anger in his eyes, the other with tears and a plea to save him.

Bitterly, very bitterly, the man looked at me. And there was a question in his eyes: "What should I do with this little thief? How can I make sure that he does not steal?"

In current situation psychological help in case of violence, it is not so much the victim, that is, the child, who needs it, but the father. Not knowing how to get out of the situation, and burning with shame because of his son, with the best of intentions, he only makes things worse. The more he beats his baby, the more he will steal. It's like putting out a fire with gasoline - only the flame flares up brighter. Such fatal interdependence can lead to the fact that the father either beats the child to death, or raises him out of a real petty thief, pickpocket or card sharp, who will spend his whole life in prison. Or, perhaps, a bitter alcoholic who is not able to realize himself in life, and who seeks solace in vodka or wine.

A child who steals at school is not a criminal. It's just a baby born with a skin vector - when proper development his abilities, he will grow up to be a very law-abiding citizen, for whom the word of the law will be above everything in the world. Theft is a consequence of stress in the skin vector. It is from skin children that engineers, lawyers, lawyers, managers can grow up. But only if they are not beaten in childhood.

How to raise such children? Pretty simple - you don't need to apply special efforts- it is enough just to set the child in the right direction of development and explain what is good and what is bad. Just explain in his language

An acquaintance, when asked how things are going, talks about problems with her daughter. At first glance, a cute three-year-old girl uses a rich arsenal of insults and hurtful words, and sometimes shows physical aggression: beats, pinches. A particularly familiar suffers from the fact that the scenes take place in in public places: “I am ashamed to leave the house with my daughter, and any joint trip turns into a nightmare." Many parents were in similar situation we suffer from aggressive behavior Chad.

My "angel" from the cradle crushed the fragile ice of parental tenderness, like an atomic icebreaker. Any walk could end in a scandal. She always wanted to play, taking away toys from children, refused to go home. I was afraid to move away from home or a car that could bring a bike and toys. Grandmother gave up after her granddaughter greeted her with the phrase: “Granny, when are you home?”

I read articles, consulted with a psychologist, but I began to act with myself. It may sound strange, but if you want to get harmonious relationship with a child, become an adult yourself. Easy to say, but hard to do, because every man has a child. Largely bad behavior child is connected to ours. The advice given by psychologists and magazine authors cannot be implemented without working on oneself. Where can you get so much endurance, such a reserve of patience and creativity? We behave like children, and it is possible to analyze the bad behavior of a child and give advice only from the position of an adult. If you accept this and begin to act, then a miracle will happen before your eyes: if you change, the child will also change.

Let's figure out what children's aggression is born from and how to overcome it.

Why is my child calling me names?

1. Imitation

He says bad words because he imitates you, he wants to be as bold and courageous as one of his parents. In order not to splash out verbal negativity, I imagined that each word was recorded on a dictaphone and the recording could be used against me.

2. Attract attention

It is easier for a child to do this using bad words. This effective way to distract dad from a hockey game or an internet discussion. You can't get rid of a child short phrases, expensive toys you won't be replaced either. Stumbling over another plastic obstacle at home, I realized that spending time together much more valuable. Aerobatics for dad - draw an emotion with a child, tear papers, beat a pillow.

3. Self-affirmation

I was hooked by the phrase of Maxim Gorky, which he addressed to his grandfather: “He knew all the ways to paradise and pushed everyone who turned up under his arm to them.” I realized that I did not want to be like this with my daughter. It is always a pleasure for a child to brag to his parents about what he has created on his own. It is necessary to give them more freedom, while not forgetting about elementary safety rules.

Do not make excessive demands on the child, be softer. For example, at a demonstration game of hockey, a five-year-old daughter could not show the level of a player in the women's team. Instead of rejoicing funny game, she received from me several volumes of recommendations and dissatisfaction. I got feedback in the form of tears. Coming to my senses, I looked around the locker room and did not see a single normal dad, there were only "Gorky's grandfathers" around.

Why is the child beating me?

1. Expression of emotions

If a child feels angry or angry, the natural reaction is to hit the offender, whoever they are. The daughter had to be literally dragged away, her energy was enough for a long time. If you don't want to be a beating pillow, be patient. When emotions subside, talk to your child about his experiences and feelings. I reminisced and told stories from my childhood. For example, once, in order to attract the attention of my father, I picked up a stick and hit him. Apparently, he was busy with something important, and I was very angry that they did not hear me. I thank my father for the fact that, despite the pain and resentment, he did not hit me back. Realizing that I had acted very badly, I burst into tears and felt sorry for him for a long time.

2. The result of physical abuse

A child who has survived an act of aggression will manifest it himself. It doesn't matter if it was a slap in the face or a blow, if he was physically punished, he would have a desire to hit back. Once I slapped my daughter on the bottom, and I'm still very ashamed. As education, such actions do not work, this is a manifestation of our child behavior, expression of emotions.

3. Copying aggressive behavior

The child copies the behavior of adults. Aggression may come from the TV screen, may be borrowed from computer games. It turns out that children read information very well, even sitting next to the TV and playing with dolls. For myself, I decided: interesting film with elements of violence and strong words I'd better look after I put my daughter to bed, read a book to her and tell her funny story. The most amazing thing is that in the end I stopped watching TV.

4. Lack of physical activity

Preschoolers have a lot of energy, it finds an outlet in physical aggression. The secret of peace is in harmonious development child, where sports are given no less time than intellectual exercises. We tried taekwondo, dance and hockey, which caught on. I got a great partner with whom I can play the puck in the country in the winter, but during joint games I always remember that you need to remain an adult.

Now my daughter is 8 years old. Looking back, I understand that everything was right. Having gone through the thorns of awareness of my own behavior and the difficulties of working on myself, I see cheerful child who is self-confident, respects others and harmoniously develops in different directions. Try to start with yourself, change. If you learn to hear and respect the child, you will find time for joint games, leave all the negativity behind the threshold, then you will become a super dad or super mom, and you will like it. I guarantee.

anna base

By the age of three, children begin to realize that the world around them is a huge space full of strangers, in which there is no beloved mother and father-protector. In this age baby is coming V kindergarten, where and collides with harsh reality. Not every child can fight back among children, and even an adult, even more so.

At this age, just, there are changes in the character of the baby, which he himself is not able to control. Now he needs the help of his parents especially strongly.

A 1-year-old child fights - not funny!

For the first time, a child fights with mom or dad unconsciously. When a child at 1 year old hits his parents in the face with his palm, they do not experience pain. They are amused by the fact that the baby laughs loudly, listening to the sound that his little hand makes. By all appearances you show that his behavior is correct. Your thoughts are clear - what will a baby do to an adult? But are you doing the right thing? After all, with laughter and approving exclamations, you encourage the child to continue such actions. You must respond to the blows or bites of the baby correctly:

- Explain to the baby that you are in pain in ways available to you and the child. Make a "sour face", as if you are crying from pain or tell in words how unpleasant you are;

- Show how pleased you will be if the baby hugs you and strokes your face, and does not hit.

The main thing is not to put prohibitions and not to yell at the child, this will cause fear and the reaction will be the opposite. There should always be a fallback (alternative) action:

- Blow - stroking;

- Bite - kiss.

If not, then I will do it!

A small child is a truly unruly creature that actively explores the world, and parents so want to protect him from trouble. Therefore, they very often put prohibitions and obstacles where they are not needed at all. The more prohibitions around, the more actively the feeling of contradiction grows in the soul of a little rebel. Taboos must be firm and clear. In addition, a child at 2 years old can already explain the reason for the ban. Let in simple, understandable words, but be sure to make it clear that it will hurt him if he falls from the chair on which he climbed with his feet. If a child tries to help you and grabs a broom, you can not put a ban. Even to yourself you will not be able to explain the reason for this taboo. After all, soiled hands will be washed, and there will be no limit to the joy that he helped his mother.

You have limited the number of prohibitions, but the baby wants to overcome you and do what he wants? He's just bored! Find joint occupation which is of interest to the child. If a tomboy runs around the house after a cat, screaming and falling, get ready for a walk, let him “let off steam” in the yard with his peers. Or sit him next to him and read books about that got into difficult situations because they didn't listen to their mother. And even better - about cats who love to lie on the rug and sleep, but they do not like it when they are grabbed by the tail and run after them around the apartment.

If you do not allow the baby to do what he wants, but do not explain why not. If you do not offer an alternative occupation, he shows aggression. This explains why a 2-year-old child beats his parents.

Child beats parents - what to do?

This question torments mom and dad for some time, while they are looking for a way out of this situation.

Some parents let this situation take its course. They think it's age manifestation and soon everything will pass by itself. Others hurt the child in response, believing that in this way he will understand that he has hurt others. This situation is different for every family. But there are several nuances, observing which the problem is solved as painlessly as possible for both parties.

Every next try hit you, you can predict. Get ready to hit. At the moment when the baby just raised his hand, intercept it and say in a strict, serious voice that this cannot be done. Do not develop polemics and do not talk a lot. Two or three short, clear words will suffice. Then just as calmly release the child's hand, turn away from him and step aside. Most likely, the child will follow you in search of solace. Do not push the baby away, it is better to ask why he does this. Calm the child by distracting him from the current situation with a walk, a book or cartoons.
Do not use forceful methods of education on the baby. Many mothers and fathers are sure that they beat their children for the purpose of education. So why is it possible for you, but not a child, to demand the same obedience from you? If a child sees violence in the family, he strives to be like an adult and tries his strength on those who will not offend him - his parents.
If a child at the age of 3 beats his parents, then you can no longer convince him with a grimace with tears. He immediately decides that they continue to play with him and perceive the offense as the norm. If you have artistic ability, try to "squeeze out" real tears. Most likely, the warrior will be frightened and begin to reassure and feel sorry for her mother. Just don't overdo it. After all, the child takes your experiences at face value and may burst into tears himself.

The worst thing in this situation is to miss the moment when you can still fix it. The sooner you sound the alarm and correct the mistakes of upbringing, the more likely it is that the child will become a well-mannered and respectful person in the future.

Never for display of aggression in your address. Let you be hurt, hurt and ashamed (when this happens in public), there is nothing to scold your child for. After all, all these are omissions in the upbringing that you give him. Maybe this is how he takes revenge for the fact that he is constantly in the kindergarten or with his grandparents, when he so wants to be close to his beloved mom and dad. Usually children, deprived of the attention and care of their parents, draw attention to themselves in this way. If he sits quietly in the corner and plays with toys, then no one will notice him at all. And if the child squeals and fights, the whole house pays attention to him. Think about it, maybe the reason is the loneliness of a small creature?

January 20, 2014