Katerina Murashova: “Modern children are terribly dull creatures. “The first existential crisis forms the question: “Mom, are you going to die?”. Trilogy "Angelica and Kai"
Dirty Shoes Saga
Sasha - 15 years old, 1 m 85 cm tall, 46 shoe size, grade 9, studies well, studies in the chess club at the House of Creativity, has an adult chess level, is even with teachers, polite, slightly reserved with peers, but benevolent. There are no close friends, there are a few good friends. IN free time loves to listen to music and watch classic movies. Outwardly attractive, although he worries about youthful acne. He does not meet with girls, all attempts of individual representatives of the fair sex to establish some kind of relationship with him are gently blocked.
Sasha's mother, Maria Mikhailovna - 45 years old, economist, outwardly attractive, intelligent in communication, reserved. Working as chief accountant big firm loves work. Apart from his son, he has no close people. The circle of contacts is not numerous, constant for many years. He does not like to have fun and does not know how. In his free time, he reads, knits, watches film classics with his son.
Doctor, I understand that I need to be treated (soft, apologetic smile). That's why I came alone, without Sasha. Maybe you will advise me some specialist, some clinic. I've heard something about a neurosis clinic, but I don't know at all how one gets there. And there is no one to ask. Need some direction? Or is it just money now?
Maria Mikhailovna, I'm not a doctor, I don't have medical education. I am a psychologist…
I'm sorry, I'm not good at this. Somehow it hasn't happened yet...
Maybe, before we select a specialist, or even a clinic, you will tell me about what is happening with you? After all, I am, in a way, also an expert.
Yes, of course, sorry. I just thought that, since a children's clinic, you only work with children ...
Basically I have to work with families. Very rare children have problems that are completely separate from the family.
You're right. I always thought so too. Children's problems are almost always parents' mistakes. And I tried very hard not to be wrong. I thought a lot. I raised Sasha alone. From the very beginning. Perhaps you need to know: it was a conscious decision - to have a child, to raise him alone.
What about Sasha's father?
He had a different family, a sick heart, an elderly wife with whom he lived for 25 years. He worked, she traveled with him throughout the Union, abandoned her career, and although the children grew up, he could not leave her. I understood and accepted him. He was a very decent person. He was much older than me. Now he is no longer alive. Sometimes I think maybe this whole story killed him ...
I vigorously and negatively shake my head, because this is exactly what Maria Mikhailovna expects from me, and I think to myself that she may well be right: such stories often lead to the grave of middle-aged decent people with a sick heart. But such dishonorable situations - at least henna! Which is embarrassing.
Does Sasha know about his father?
Yes, Sasha knows the whole truth. He wanted to meet stepbrother and sister, but I forbade him so as not to injure the widow. She does not know about my and Sasha's existence. I said: maybe later, when… Sasha understood and agreed. Do you think I was wrong?
I don’t know, it’s up to you to decide, - I left the answer, but I thought to myself that elderly woman, who once traveled the entire Union after her beloved man and devoted her whole life to him and her children, is unlikely to have remained so ignorant about her husband’s last, perhaps fatal novel.
Sasha is very similar to his father. Very. We never had secrets from each other. He did not ask for a long time, and when he asked, I immediately told him. And she even showed me the letter, the last one he gave me from the hospital, with a friend. There were poems, famous, remember:
“... And maybe - our sunset is sad Love will shine with a farewell smile.
And the last line:
“I'm lucky! Sorry and thank you for everything!
Uh-huh, - I said and fell silent, looking at the carpet pattern. I am unsentimental, but such revelations somehow predispose to a pause.
The silence was broken by Maria Mikhailovna herself:
I have already said that I thought a lot about how to build a relationship with my son. I read many books. Of course, it would be much easier if a girl was born. But Sasha from birth was so similar to Vadim ... The same look from under his brows and a little obliquely, a wrinkle between the eyebrows, movements, intonations ... Vadim was also very large, stately ... It seemed to me that everything would work out for me. You know, we did not have these problems at all, which are described in books - tantrums, stubbornness. I could always agree with him, he always understood everything. And everything was always fine with Sasha at school, at work colleagues just cry from all these problems, especially those who have boys, and I felt sorry for them, but I thought to myself: whom should I thank? I'm an atheist. I thanked Vadim - he was a very prominent scientist, intellectual, and Sasha had a rank in chess ...
Maria Mikhailovna,” I interrupted her gently, “so what happened to you and Sasha in Lately?
I can't understand anything myself. It seems that nothing happened. But…
He… seemed to pull away from me a little. Sometimes I don’t catch his moods, I don’t understand why he is annoyed, what he wants. And he doesn't seem to hear me. Of course, this is not always...
Maria Mikhailovna! I exclaimed with a sigh of relief. - So it's all completely normal!
And because of such nonsense, this one is worthy, clever woman going to the neurosis clinic! Truly - "the tragedy of the Russian intelligentsia"!
Sasha is 15 years old. At this age, the separation of a teenager from his parents is a completely natural thing. It would be strange if this did not happen. A change of mood and, as it were, “withdrawal into oneself”, when a teenager does not respond to external stimuli and does not seem to hear you, is also normal. At these moments, he listens to himself, to what is happening with his personality, his body. He must know and accept a new self, Sasha the adult, who replaces Sasha the child. He is nervous and afraid, because not everything in this new Sasha is clear to him, not everything suits him. And he also cannot consult with you, because he turns into a man, not a woman. Therefore, alienation intensifies. Do you understand?
According to my calculations, in this place Maria Mikhailovna should have sighed with relief, straightened her shoulders and asked joyfully:
Does that mean it's all right? So I have nothing to worry about?
But Maria Mikhailovna was still sitting on a chair dejectedly and fiddling with the key chain (where she got it from, I did not have time to notice).
Is there anything else? I asked in the tone of a local policeman.
Maria Mikhailovna nodded.
What is this?
Dirty shoes on the nightstand! - said Maria Mikhailovna and closed her eyes as if before her eyes appeared a dismembered corpse from the evening criminal program.
Dirty… boots… on… bedside table…” I repeated, trying to absorb every word. - What's the problem?
He puts his shoes on the bedside table in the hallway, - Maria Mikhailovna suddenly spoke evenly and aloofly. Approximately so say the people introduced into hypnotic trance. - Every day. Boots size 46. Everything is in the dirt. In fact, he is a neat boy and does not climb anywhere, but we have very dirty approaches to the house. Puddles, clay, constantly digging something. And there they are. When I come home from work. Every day. This is the first thing I see when I enter the apartment. I asked him to put them under the hanger. I begged, I cursed, I screamed. I threw them out the window. He went out in slippers and brought them back. I asked: why?! He is silent, does not explain anything, goes into the room. The next day they are there again. As I walk up the stairs, I already think of them. When I ride the subway, I imagine them. Now I will go in - and they are standing there. If he is not at home and there are no shoes, I rejoice. I have nothing but him. And it wasn't. Only Vadim and him. But Vadim - it was not for long. And here, I thought - I'll have enough for the rest of my life. I did everything not to spoil the relationship with him. I have always been honest and patient with him. It seemed to me that everything worked out for me. When he was thirteen, he said: "You are the most best mom in the world!" - none of my acquaintances sons said this at the age of thirteen. I was proud of myself, I mentally told Vadim: “Look what a wonderful son I raised for you!” - I thought I did everything right. And now, the boots!
And you, for an hour, do not exaggerate? I asked cautiously. Now the clinic of neurosis did not seem to me so far from this "shoe" case. - Maybe he just forgets them there? Well, unties shoelaces or something?
No, no, believe me! He does it quite deliberately! But I don't understand what it means, and I literally go crazy! I haven't been able to sleep without sleeping pills for six months now. I recently missed such an error in the balance that I would have noticed twenty-five years ago, when I just started working ...
Did you ask?
A thousand times! No answer.
Has anything else changed in Sasha's behavior lately? At school, with friends, in a chess club?
There is nothing. I mean, no one said anything to me. He studies well, recently participated in competitions, took third place. Friends sometimes come to listen to music, play chess - everything is the same as always.
Bring Sasha here. Will it go?
Of course it will. If I ask. What are you going to talk about with him?
We will see according to the circumstances.
Sasha, a black-eyed, very tall young man, sat in an armchair, raising his knees high, and smiled benevolently. I haven't seen such a "closed" teenager for a long time. He answers all questions, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t taunt, seems to sincerely want to help figure it out, but at the same time he doesn’t say anything.
Are you aware that the mother is on the verge of neurosis?
Yes, I am very worried about her condition.
What are those shoes on the nightstand?
Well, you understand, everything annoys her in this state.
Do you put them there or not?
It must have happened several times, I don't remember.
Did your mother get you something?
What are you! We have a great relationship.
Do you have any secrets?
There are no secrets. I'm generally very simple. You know, sometimes it's even funny, all classmates have some problems with school, with peers, with parents - but I don't.
No problem?!
There are small ones, of course, like a deuce for a test or a botched tournament, but I solve them. And everyone around has difficulties, transitional age… I, you know, somehow even tried to smoke, just like that, for fun.
Mom took the jacket to wash, found cigarettes in her pocket, says: if you want to smoke, I will buy you. And the girls in the class said: a cigarette doesn't suit you. Yes, I know myself. Not interested. Dropped right away...
Do you have a girlfriend?
Why? You are a prominent guy, someone is probably peeking in.
As a child, I liked to play with girls even more than with boys. And now you see how it has grown. I am not a game person. There are some intrigues: today I meet with this one, tomorrow - with this one, I don’t need it. I think that at our age, relationships can only be serious. And I to serious relationship not yet ready. That's all.
Do you think there is anything you can do to help your mother?
I'm ready to do anything!
What about boots?
What are you all about these boots! Well, mom - okay, she has nerves, but why are you attached to them? It's bullshit, I'm telling you!
Desperate, I asked Sasha to draw some projective drawings. Drawing was not among Sasha's talents, but the young man honestly tried to portray what I asked him. All the drawings turned out exactly the way I saw Sasha with my own eyes - calm, friendly, absolutely without aggression. No discrepancies between external and internal. But the picture “family” attracted my attention for a long time. An excellent drawing - portraits of mom and Sasha (you can only identify by the length of the hairstyle), between the portraits there is a gingerbread heart, the way girls draw it, and around all this is a frame circled along the ruler. Both characters in the portrait are smiling. Smiles look like a grin, but this seems to be attributed to the ineptitude of the artist. There is something about this picture that bothers me. Some kind of very ostentatious for fifteen years, gingerbread love, and a frame that is somewhat reminiscent of a lattice ...
Well, do you understand anything about all this? - Maria Mikhailovna looks at me with hope.
Understood nothing! - I answer honestly.
And what am I to do now? Go to the clinic? But after all, I will come from there, and they ... are standing, - Maria Mikhailovna leaned over and covered her face with her hands.
Calm, calm, now we’ll think of something, - I promised, absolutely not imagining what to do next. I don’t even know for sure: damn shoes on the nightstand - are there or not? And if there is, then whose symptom is it - Sashin or Maria Mikhailovna? Who is there to treat, after all?!
Okay, let's do this, - I decided, after thinking for about five minutes.
During this time, Maria Mikhailovna took from the shelf and with obvious difficulty put together a puzzle for children from 5 to 7 years old.
If I understood correctly, - I began again, - Sasha had no actual secrets from you, but he never particularly spread about his feelings.
Well, we both are. And Vadim was the same. Feelings - why talk about them, they are visible in actions. This is easy to understand.
Uh-huh, in actions, - I agreed, thinking about the ill-fated boots - an act that no one could understand. - Now, however, you will talk about feelings. A lot of. Obsessively. To exhaustion. From the first person. This technique is called - "method of non-offensive communication." Now I will explain everything to you...
But he won’t listen,” Maria Mikhailovna objected immediately after the explanation. - Go to your room and close the door. Turn on the music, take the headphones ...
Not your problem. You keep talking for as long as you can. And do not forget: only about your feelings; only in the form of "I-messages"; no assessments of Sasha's personality.
Well, I'll try, - Maria Mikhailovna agreed uncertainly. It was evident that the proposed method did not impress her at all. - When should I come to you?
Well, come in the week, on Tuesday, at six o'clock. Will you have time?
Will try.
Tuesday, fifteen minutes past seven.
Hello, sorry for being late, I was running from work, but the transport…
Hello, have a seat. Tell me how you're doing.
No way. I do everything as you said. I pronounce such monologues in the corridor near my shoes that I’m already starting to think about whether I should go to some kind of folk theater, if one still exists. To tell the truth, I will speak out, and it seems to be easier.
Sasha hides, turns on the music, as I told you. Then sometimes he looks out, checks whether everything is already there or I am still holding a rally.
Doesn't he say anything?
No, he's silent. Once he twisted his finger at his temple: like, are you crazy, mother?
Have you commented on this?
Of course! It's addictive, I want to talk more and more. Like a drug. Well, you probably know...
I nodded.
Can you reproduce an excerpt from any monologue?
Please! - Maria Mikhailovna agreed suspiciously willingly, pressed her hands to her chest and began:
When I see these shoes, it seems to me that my whole life has been wasted. All in vain, all in vain, all as in a bottomless well! And cold nights, and joyless days, and despair, and hopes... Nothing worked out for me, I made a mistake somewhere at the very beginning, in something very significant and did not notice my mistake for a long time. Even now I don’t know what it is, but I’m already paying for it ... - Tears sparkled in the eyes of the woman. Shakespeare!
Thank you enough! Very impressive! Keep up the good work, I think it won't be long.
In what sense is it short?
Soon Sasha must react in one way or another to what is happening.
How is it - one way or another?
The worst thing would be if he just took off his shoes and we'll never know what it was.
Do you think he can remove them?
Maybe, maybe, I just wish he'd spoken first. Come back as soon as something happens.
Sasha and Maria Mikhailovna came to the reception together at the end next week. Sasha was gloomy, Maria Mikhailovna seemed to be five or seven years younger.
Will you sit in the hallway for five minutes? - asked the mother and, slightly dancing, went into the office.
I’ll sit, only you’ll be faster there, - the son muttered sullenly. Now he was much more like normal teenager than in our last meeting.
Seems like you're having problems? - I whispered in Sasha's ear, standing on tiptoe.
They will appear here! Did you teach her? - hissed Sasha in response. I nodded happily.
Can you imagine he took off his shoes!!! - happily declared Maria Mikhailovna. - I shouldn't have believed you. Everything worked just like you said!
How it was?
Well, as always, I sobbed in the corridor, like Yaroslavna on some wall there. Then he jumped out of the room, sparks pouring from his eyes in the truest sense of the word, and yelled: “You think! You feel! It just seems this way to you! Have you ever wondered how I feel!!!" Of course, I immediately realized that this is the result that you told me about, and I assured him that I only dream of knowing how he feels. Then he ... then he cried ... Can you imagine? I always told him that a man should be strong, and he hasn't cried since he was six years old. And then suddenly ... I was confused, and he says through tears: “You decide for yourself why you need me, otherwise I don’t understand anything!” - I also burst into tears, I say: “You are my life, I have no one but you, I love you more than anything in the world!” He hugged me, we cried together, then I baked a pie, and the next day
They were not! Can you imagine - they were not!
So, - I did not experience any euphoria about the catharsis that had happened in the family. - And why did you come now? Since everything is going so well for you?
And this is what he said, - Maria Mikhailovna was somewhat confused. - Sasha. So he said: well, did you achieve your goal? Now let's go to your psychologist to understand ...
Op-la! - I mentally applauded Sasha's intellect and the remarkable genetics of the great scientist Vadim. Maria Mikhailovna failed to see that the problem remained in place, her boots still covered her entire horizon, and fifteen-year-old Sasha saw it! Smart Sasha!
Call your son!
- "You decide for yourself why you need me ..." - I quoted. - Explain as best you can. I will help you.
An ordinary, very large, gloomy teenager looked at me with obvious distrust.
You are the injured party. I'm with you. Believe. Speak. You can, your father was a scientist, you yourself have a strong intellect. A lot of things were invested, it's a pity if everything collapses now. Only you can save. Speak, try. I can't for you. Because I'm just guessing. Only you know for sure. Speak.
Slowly, very slowly, the conversation begins. Dozens leading questions, painful pauses, somewhere clarifications of the mother, somewhere my tips, options. Gradually, a complete picture emerges.
I don't know how to behave. I don't know how to be rude, I don't like it. I can't take care of myself. I'm very big, I'm lucky here, no one bothers me. If they climbed, I wouldn't even be able to fight back. I'm a coward. I'm afraid that it will turn out uncomfortable, ugly, wrong. You asked why I don't date girls. Do you think I don't want to? I'm afraid. I watched good films, read good books my mother told me about my father. Here, that's how it's supposed to be. Can I do that? Everyone around behaves differently. But maybe that's just how it seems to me? I don't have close friends. I don't let anyone near me - you rightly noticed that. It is so convenient for me, because I know, I see around, friends betray. What to do then?
I love my mother very much. She - wonderful woman. And she loves me, I know it. But who am I to her? Child? She can rummage through my pockets, she can enter the bathroom without knocking when I wash. I asked her, she answers: but I washed you in a bath! It's true, I understand. But she wants me to be "the man in the house." I agree to this, I can. She has no one and never had, it's for me, I understand. I can fix something, give a coat, all that ... But - either this or that. Together it doesn't work! I either grew up or stayed small. I want to know! My friends somehow know how to let their parents know that they ... well, they want this, they want this ... But I don’t know how, I have too much respect for my mother or ... or I want something wrong ... Well, I don’t need roller skates, and discos and all that, but I don't know how to explain it. And here are the boots!
Here! The key word has finally been spoken! Boots are the only form of protest available to poor decent Sasha! Everything merged in these unfortunate shoes: the inability to remain a child, and the fear of emerging masculinity, and the awareness of one's specialness, difference from most peers. Mom's thoughtful upbringing, books and films set a very high bar for Sasha's aspirations: "Love for a woman - only of the highest standard, friendship with peers - not forgiving betrayal, respect and affection - to complete self-denial and forgetting one's own interests." Do I live up to these high and only worthy standards? - Sasha asks himself and with his usual honesty answers: no, I don’t correspond! So, let me have none of this - no love, no friendship, no betrayal. I will live neatly, on the edge of life, as my mother has been living for many years. The edge also has its little joys, but there are almost no problems. Only now Sasha couldn’t replace the rest of the world with his mother (although he honestly tried). And on the stage peaceful, almost idyllic family life dirty shoes appeared, standing on the bedside table.
Are you clear? I asked Maria Mikhailovna.
In general, yes ... - in the course of the conversation, the woman ate all the lipstick, and now she pale lips trembled visibly. - But what to do with it? I can’t go back and raise Sasha differently ...
Lord, this was not enough! I sincerely exclaimed. You raised a wonderful son! Vadim would certainly be proud of him. But… you see, the past is in the past. For all. For you, for Sasha. For Sasha behind - childhood. For you - the role of the mother of the child. Now you are the mother of an adult. Ahead is the future.
Mom, can you get married? Sasha suddenly boomed with teenage spontaneity. - You're still very beautiful.
Maria Mikhailovna flared up like a poppy flower:
Sasha, what are you talking about!
And what? I pretended to be surprised. - What are your years! Or think of folk theater...
And my name is basketball, - the “child” interjected again. - I thought: somehow frivolous, but maybe - try, what do you think?
I think we should try, - I said seriously. - And there - it will be visible.
"BARABASHKA IS ME":When angry, he can start a fire without matches, with just a glance. And he does not like it at all... He is frightened by his strange destructive abilities. Having run away from home and ended up in an institute in Moscow, where they study anomalous phenomena, he meets other "drums". And although the fate of his new friends is sad, the fear disappears...
"HE WILL NOT COME BACK":Ekaterina Murashova's book "Your incomprehensible child" is devoted to the problems of education and psychological development preschool children and school age. One of the indisputable advantages of this book is the amazing combination of a serious professional approach and a brilliant style of presentation.The world is changing along with its main coordinates - the material and media space. Only human nature remains unchanged.
Family psychologist Ekaterina Murashova has been seeing patients in an ordinary regional polyclinic in St. Petersburg for more than twenty years. In this book, she continues to share real stories from your practice. The problems that people come to her with sometimes look unsolvable."The Guard of Anxiety" is a new work by Ekaterina Murashova, the author of "Correction Class" - the most discussed book of recent years about the modern Russian school, about teachers and about "problem" teenagers.
Having got into 8 "A" from other schools, Taya, Dima and Timka find themselves "aside" from their classmates, as if united by some common mysterious goal.Young St. Petersburg writer Sophie Domogatskaya, collecting material for her new genre novel, accidentally saves a seriously wounded man from robbers, who turns out to be the owner of a gambling house, a native of the slums, Mikhail Tumanov. They are uneven in everything and the feeling that flared up between them from the very beginning seems doomed."It's dark. An opening between some buildings. Either warehouses, or barracks. Bluish, yellow and blue shadows sway in the distance. A searchlight beam runs through. There is a clang of mating wagons, hissing, whistling, horns. A man walks slowly in deep shadow. He not hiding, but frankly wary. Wall, wheels, wagon. A man carefully pulls the door towards himself. A beam of a lantern rushes about ... "
Ekaterina Murashova - Orphanage
In the third novel of the love-adventurous trilogy "Angelica and Kai" all storylines are pulled together into a tight knot. Four young men and a girl from a boarding school for children with neuropsychiatric diseases, led by Arkady, organize a group called "Orphanage". The group is successful. At the same time, the grown-up Keshka-Kai returns to Russia, to whom, after psychoanalysis sessions in Zurich, his memory may have returned.Apply for psychological help V last years has ceased to be something unusual - they listen to the advice of psychologists, friends are advised to go to a psychologist for a consultation in case of any problems. However, the work of a psychologist will be useless if those who turn to him are only ready to receive a “magic pill”, but they themselves are not going to do anything. How it happens, Ekaterina Murashova tells in her book “The Comfortable World”.
Readers of my columns and books often say (or write): how cleverly you unravel all sorts of complex psychological cases, and how easily and smoothly everything turns out for you!
The range of feelings with which this is said (written) is diverse: from sincere admiration (there are professionals!) to completely frank distrust (the psychologist is probably lying, but he will never admit it!).
When the remark is not rhetorical and implies my answer, I diligently and monotonously answer that I, of course, choose the brightest and most revealing cases for my column (books), and besides, I always compile each story from several:
- to comply with ethical standards;
- to make it more interesting to read.
In itself, the everyday work of a psychologist is much less bright and interesting, and there are much more failures in it than is obtained in the journalistic-literary version of its description.
But still, the amount of these remarks and surprises is such that it seemed to me useful and informative for my regular readers to describe a typical unsuccessful day for a psychologist.
Moreover, here we will deliberately go not about bright, difficult cases, in which the psychologist did not manage to figure it out (I regularly describe this), and not about extremely difficult cases, when it’s really impossible to help anything (I also wrote about this more than once), - this is exactly the routine, everything is quite simple and understandable , but, alas, to me, failure after failure.
So, a typical bad day practical psychologist, that is, me. Evening reception, four families.
Pedagogical neglect or ...
The first person to arrive by appointment is a woman with a girl who is less than five years old. The family is assigned to our clinic. The girl says almost nothing individual words plus waving his hands. Seems to understand instructions. Obviously developmental delay, but of what nature?
“I don’t know how to communicate with her,” the mother complains. She doesn't listen. You speak to her, you speak, and at least she henna. The lore told me to go to you.
- Okay, let's talk about it. But first, give me your card, I say.
Mother hands me a notebook, in which ten pages are written on the strength.
Where is the main card? I need to know how the girl developed, the verdicts of neurologists in the first year, subsequent ...
- And she's at home, I didn't take it.
- Bad, but okay. Then tell us yourself: pregnancy, childbirth, the first year of life, how you slept, ate, when the cooing appeared, the first words ...
“We had adenoids removed,” the mother says after thinking. - Oh, and we suffered! And you also know how difficult it is to collect all the tests! We came to the clinic one day...
Fifteen minutes of vain attempts to find out something on the merits of the case.
— How do you play with your daughter?
Yes, she is playing. She doesn't need anyone...
The girl, meanwhile, is arranging the dishes, trying to imitate food and drink.
- She needs, you see, these are elements of a role-playing game. But what do you guys actually do together?
- We go to the store ... I sometimes roll the ball with her.
For another half an hour I try to explain to my mother how and what could be done.
- I single mother, - she finally says importantly and with some resentment. “All by yourself, do you understand that? I don’t have time for this, I treat her all the time, that’s when the adenoids were removed, you know ... I thought you would tell me how to make her obey me, and you ... well, all the best to you, let's go ...
Gone. I still didn’t understand even the main thing: the girl has a real violation or pedagogical neglect?
"Five" for raising a child
Next comes a woman from the self-supporting department - she came from the other side of the city, brought her thirteen-year-old son. Well-groomed, taut. He smiles dazzlingly.
I have read your books and articles. I liked it very much. I am generally interested in psychology. It's a pleasure to meet you personally.
- Thank you for the kind words. I'm pleased too. What are you with me?
He talks for a long time about his successes in his son. He studies at the Mathematical High School. I was never fond of mathematics, but "it's a good education, an adequate team of children and parents, you understand.” With the help of tutors, he copes with the program quite well. On vacation abroad, language camps, skiing with the whole family, still fitness, also together with mom: “We were told about, you understand, you can’t miss it.”
I'm trying to talk to the guy himself: what do you like, what do you do with friends, what do you remember from the last trip? There are some formal, colorless answers, there is no time for anything, there is no TV in the family either (it's a zombie box, it's harmful for a child), one answer is clearly sincere.
What would you do if you were alone and there was nothing to do?
- Went to sleep. Or just lie down and look out the window at the sky.
Mother herself was an excellent student, "everyone in our family has a university education." Now she needs a “five” from me (according to the books, it seemed to her that I was fit for the role of an expert): well done, you are doing everything right, you raised your son well, keep up the good work, take a pie from the shelf.
I can't put it that way - the guy has dull eyes, and she herself scientifically complained in passing: we provide all the opportunities, but he has no motivation for anything. As soon as I start talking about it, they immediately leave: she is not going to change anything, she will look for confirmation of her position somewhere else.
Will do nothing anyway
The third is a nice young couple with two boys who have already visited me recently. Boundary setting and aggression were discussed in the older boy. Decided what to do and how. They cheerfully greet, sit down and ... present exactly the same problems as last time.
- So, guys, stop: did you do what we agreed on last time?
“Yes, of course we did, but nothing came of it!
- Tell us how and what exactly you did.
- We agreed, and then he took and bought him that toy in the store.
- Well, yes, but I forbade him to take sweets before dinner, and she said: nothing, one is fine.
- And I tell him: taboo is a taboo, you have to withstand it, otherwise it doesn’t work, the psychologist said, and he: well, he asked for forgiveness ...
For some time such a conversation (practically without my participation), then the mother throws up her hands: oh, I understand, we ourselves are all the same again ...
“That’s right,” I sigh.
“Oh, what are we to do?
- Yes, that's exactly the same thing that we talked about last time. Let me repeat again...
Father (angrily):
- Yes, you tell her as many times as you like, she will not do anything anyway!
- And you yourself! ..
— Break! Guys, why did you come to me?
“Yes, last time we talked so well, it’s interesting, and then we discussed it together,” both of them smile.
They clean up the toys that their sons scattered and leave. They won't do anything anyway.
They live not for joy, but for ...
Finally, a mother with a gloomy 14.5-year-old girl is brought in: we want her to be more responsible. And she can study (teachers say), and she could also help around the house, but she does nothing. Everything must be forced. The age is already such that it is time for the most, definitely. The world is cruel now, it doesn’t let anyone down, you have to try, make your way. Here we are at her age...
“More details from here,” I ask.
father from alcoholic family but got out. The mother is the eldest of three children. Parents worked, she was busy with the younger ones. I commanded, of course. The first marriage is unsuccessful, also alcohol. In a late-formed family, two strong character, converged, dispersed, but held on, got used to it. However, the feeling of a continuous battle has not gone anywhere.
“I don’t want to go home, I’m ready to go anywhere,” the girl admits. They are always dissatisfied with everything. I think they hate me.
No, they love and care so much. They don't know how to do otherwise.
She also fights younger brother(native to a man) is also already starting.
“You have learned to cooperate with each other,” I tell the adults. “Maybe you can try it with kids too?”
- Why should I cooperate with them if I feed them, and they live on everything ready? the father asks. - She lost her phone, I bought her a new one, but I might not have bought it, by the way - it’s my own fault ...
“She must understand…” echoes her mother.
- What about joy? I ask. - The joys of life? Maybe we can try as an experiment?
- You know, I have enough experiments at work.
They went into their struggle, the same gloomy, alienated. But after all, if something happens outside, they will stand back to back and, just as grumbling and snapping, will defend their own and their own to the last. Family. 19th century, critical realism.
Reception completed. It's already getting dark outside the window, I quietly drag myself home. Unlucky day. Happens.
Ekaterina Murashova
Discussion
Psychologists are not gods either. They can give advice, but magic wand They dont have. They go to them for advice, and then you need to do it yourself. Good article.
My grandson is 12 years old, aggressive towards the youngest (2 years old), does not help, does not understand that his mother is disabled, there is no half right hand. Until the age of 8, she tied his shoelaces with his teeth, you see, he can’t, he just whines, a weakling, maybe because his mother is strong. The psychiatrist says that he does not have a disease, but such a character, and what to do?
Me too! Only at the end - 21st century)
Comment on the article "When a psychologist's consultation is useless: 4 stories"
Section: Study, exams (Psychologist consultations via Skype). Looking for a psychologist, urgently. but to simplify the scheme to "since some are hiding behind depression, then just in case we will not help and sympathize. The work of a psychologist: a bad day - from Ekaterina Murashova.
Discussion
Last year, my three sons were first-year students, the adaptation was difficult. Among other things, for the first time, our sons found themselves at the place of study separately from each other, studied at school together, and here are three different universities in three different sides, they also had to adapt to this. Now the second course, used to driving, got involved in learning processes, got acquaintances - it became much easier. Although last year there were thoughts of changing universities, transferring and all sorts of other throwing. Relief came after the 2nd session was passed.
I have a daughter in her first year at HSE. At their faculty, there are many students who transferred from other universities or from other faculties, that is, they were disappointed in their previous elections. This in our time was from the realm of fantasy, but now they are easy-going. By the way, my daughter doesn’t like it either, she is thinking about transferring or re-entering through the completion of the required exam.
Discussion
Osin Elisey, Borodina Lyubov, psychiatrists seem to be the best in this business
I would strongly suspect autism from the described. For diagnostics to the defectologist. For real help- to the family psychotherapist. Maybe one mom. And a homeopath to both. Well, if you need real progress. If nothing is changed at all family system if they are not ready and enough to observe the socially “correct” picture “we do what we can”, then a psychiatrist and defectologist.
At a remote consultation, the psychiatrist did not advise putting her in the hospital, but treating her on an outpatient basis. He himself is not anorexic. Therefore, he advised me to contact the 13th mental hospital, to the head of the department in which anorexia is treated, so that he ...
Discussion
I wouldn’t rack my brains, I called the manager. department or senior m / s and would agree on a consultation. Further on the situation. And I would have already relied on the opinion of a doctor at an internal examination, i.e. preferably outpatient treatment, but if the doctor insists on a hospital, she would act in the interests of the patient, not relying on the opinion of the doctor who did not see the girl.
As for non-Muscovites - if a policy with a Moscow stamp is critical, then this is to the insurance company. By the way, ask your doctor if it is possible to treat a non-Muscovite with a non-capital stamp on the policy. If it is enough to re-register the policy, then this is to the insurance company.
ELENA NOVOSELOVA psychologist. ... I find it difficult to choose a section. About his own, about a girl's. ELENA NOVOSELOVA psychologist. Has anyone used the services of psychologist Elena Ekaterina, a well-known child and family psychologist. ELENA NOVOSELOVA psychologist.
Discussion
She recently hosted a program on a well-known radio station. Now I don’t know, I stopped listening, because in my opinion, it’s impossible to listen to her!!! Even on the radio, even for free. Nothing. You can read the same advice in a magazine for teenage girls. She still loves sex very much. God forbid to follow her advice ... In Moscow there are good psychologists. Elena Novoselova is not one of them, IMHO. Rain promotes her, that's the cost of admission.
Please consult a neuropsychologist. It is desirable that not just a consultation, but also with follow-up sessions. The fact is that I already took the child to psychologists and to a neuropsychologist. buzzwords they will say, but things are still there.
Discussion
and someone studied with Lebedeva Ekaterina Sergeevna, at the university, now they really have moved. there, for some reason, their primary course is designed not for 9 months, but for 4, and it somehow annoys me and they do it once a week - the rest, as usual, is at home. Ekaterina Sergeevna gave us the opportunity to study with a neuropsychologist with whom she collaborates (she herself does not conduct classes) Yanina Sergeevna Barinskaya. Has anyone dealt with them?
Treatment by a psychotherapist. You need to consult a psychologist. Child psychology. Is a consultation with a psychologist a one-time event or do you have to go to him regularly (I saw the figures - 20 sessions at least 1 time per week)?
Discussion
nastya_sh answered you in the topic very sensibly, and the rest too.
Here you don’t need a psychologist (and if you need it, then YOU, not the girl), but either help-remind-control, or pick it up now, and give it back to the first one in the fall.
And in general, it’s not such a problem that the girl does not collect a portfolio. The deputy director of the school told me in the 9-10th grade that I should collect a portfolio together with my son, although the boy was one of best students class with a heap of certificates from the Olympics. Now in graduate school.
So calm down, learn to mix things up with your daughter without scandals ...
When a psychologist's consultation is useless: 4 stories. I consulted with a wonderful psychologist who works in a lecotheque. Yes, it was hard and embarrassing How to build relationships with classmates. How to stop bullying at school. Story from Ekaterina Murashova.
Discussion
I use this skill regularly in my life. There are all sorts of people, someone can simply be ignored, and it is useful to crush someone in the bud. Everything depends on the circumstances. Bullying is like a scalpel for a doctor, it is neither good nor bad, just one of the levers of influence on a person. It all depends on how and when to use it.
Not in an organized manner, but personally, on her own initiative, she teased and harassed one classmate in the 6th or 7th grade. She was an upstart, and even the head teacher's son. Well, that's how I saw it at the time. And the reins fell under my tail - while we were sitting with him, I had no peace, my tongue always itched. remember me class teacher alone shamed and sanded ...
Theory is theory, and practice is practice. Saying that screaming won't help is one thing. This psychologist was trained for five years at worst, and at best he has two degrees. family history there were cases of "sperm donors" instead of "father" (but there were, otherwise you would ...
Discussion
I came up with a clever practical advice :-))
A psychologist telling parents how to yell / not yell at their children is, by definition, ineffective.
Because in practice the problem is not with the screaming/not screaming/spanking/not spanking, but psychological problems in a child (well, I don’t know why you applied, but usually hyperactivity, absent-mindedness, aggression, less often isolation, inability to build relationships in a team, etc.) + PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS IN THE PARENT, problems that, in fact, cause psychological problems in child :-)) Moreover, until the environment (parents) seriously changes, almost ANY therapy for a child is useless. After all, he “returns” to the family and everything starts again (or crawls out the other side.
Therefore, the therapy of both the child and the parent (the child by a child psychologist - the "adult" parent) is considered effective. And the direction of work of the "adult" psychologist is not so much RELATIONS with this particular child as the "parent" himself :-)) This direction is PRIORITY. If you have to choose, then you have to choose it, because. "Treating" a child when you yourself do not change and do not "grow" is a waste of time and money.
PS There is such a psychologist Menneghetti, in one of his books he wrote: never take your children to psychologists, if possible, go to a psychologist yourself - it will be more beneficial for children. The opinion is very categorical, but not far from the truth :-))
PPS By the way, I thought... a 35-year-old psychologist without children and not married would probably also arouse suspicion in me, especially if she also took 100 rubles for a consultation. For me, the best "indicator" of a psychologist is personal success. Health, a strong family, talented children, a big apartment and a good car :-)) There are venereologists who wrote here without syphilis and this does not prevent them from working, but venereologists with advanced syphilis - thank you :-))
And how did you know that the psychologist does not have children of his own?
Ekaterina Vadimovna Murashova (02/22/1962, Leningrad) - family psychologist, writer, author of teen drama books.
Twice graduated from the Leningrad State University- Biological and, after almost ten years, the Faculty of Psychology, specializing in " Age-related psychology". With scientific expeditions she traveled all over the Union. Was in the south, in the north (Barents, White Sea), in the Far East (Sakhalin, Kamchatka, islands). She worked at the zoo and in the circus "tent" (animal care worker), at the Department of Embryology of the Leningrad State University, at the Institute of Experimental Medicine, under the "Doctors of the World" program with children from socially disadvantaged families. Currently working in a children's clinic family psychologist, teaches a little at St. Petersburg University of Culture.
Member of the Union of Writers of St. Petersburg. Awarded two national awards Russia on children's literature cherished dream"- for the novels "Correction Class" (2005) and "Anxiety Guard" (2007). In 2010, she was included in the number of nominees for the Astrid Lindgren International Literary Prize.
Married, she has two children.
Books (5)
your misunderstood child
The book by E. Murashova "Your incomprehensible child" is devoted to the problems of education and psychological development of children of preschool and school age. One of the indisputable advantages of this book is the amazing combination of a serious professional approach and a brilliant style of presentation.
The essence of Murashova's book is to help modern parent solving a specific problem, find mutual language with a child, and often training here begins with the simplest, "common" truths.
Children of mattresses and children of disaster
Hypodynamic and hyperdynamic syndrome in children.
The book of the practical psychologist E.V. Murashova is intended primarily for parents of those children who have (or had previously) diagnoses "encephalopathy", "MMD", "hyperdynamic or hypodynamic syndrome", "attention deficit syndrome", "hysterical neurosis", "neurosis-like illness" or "neuropathy".
Unlike other similar publications, the breathtakingly interesting and at the same time serious story of "Tufyakov and Disasters" makes every adult believe that a way out can always be found, no matter how "wrong" the child may be.
Correction class
The story of Ekaterina Murashova "Correction Class" stands out strongly in the general stream of modern domestic teenage literature.
The topic of children - the dregs of society, often mentally handicapped, disabled, socially neglected, is too uncomfortable and ugly, it is difficult to dare to talk about it. But the author produces a cheerful, optimistic work where, it seems, there can be no talk of any optimism.
Murashova does not entertain the reader, does not flirt with him. She calls the reading teenager to a joint sincere and moral work, helps through complicity, sympathy for the heroes of the book to realize themselves as a person, personality, citizen.
Treat or love?
Ekaterina Murashova works as a family psychologist in a regular children's clinic. She is treated with the most different problems: children's envy and jealousy, aggressiveness and shyness, hyperactivity and inability to stand up for themselves.
The book "Treat or Love?" compiled from essays published in the popular electronic journal"Snob" and caused a lively reader response. Ekaterina Murashova talks about everyday life in an easy and fascinating style, without any moralizing child psychologist. Seemingly unsolvable situations are resolved before our eyes, and uncontrollable capricious creatures become ordinary children.
Collection of books
Angelica and Kai - 1, who forgot the name of the moon
Angelica and Kai - 2, Queen Maud Land
Angelica and Kai - 3, Orphanage
Barabashka is me: Tales
Sight
Bug and Top
Who is last? - We are behind you!
My favorite enemy...
One miracle for life
"Raj" means "tramp"
Red and black
Saga of the Leader
Leave with the wind
Reader Comments
Elena / 25.03.2017 Thanks a lot to the author Murashova Ekaterina!!! I am the mother of a child with ADHD. For me, reading books by this author is a help and salvation!! Thank you very much.
Tatiana/ 13.02.2017 Good afternoon! We read the series "Siberian Love". Found all the books except "The Adventurer". Jumped. It's a pity. The feeling that they missed something important does not leave. New heroes appeared from somewhere. This book is nowhere to be found. How to be?
Regards, Tatiana
Guest/ 14.04.2016 Controversial point of view
raisa/ 4.02.2016 only love builds. thanks
Alena Ch/ 15.09.2015 Excellent books! Now I regularly read articles on the site Snob. I have not met the author personally. But, judging by what she writes, he adequately and realistically relates to his successes. It is recognized that there are failures - and who does not have them? Unlike some other psychologists who write similar books, she herself is more credible as a specialist, thanks to her education, work in the clinic and the description of her work.
Dmitriy/ 07/13/2015 Yes, wonderful books.
ARTISTIC.
It is interesting to read, although some of them are difficult.
But as a psychologist...
None, in general. If the case is elementary, and the child is frankly marginal family, for which there is also a simple good word then help will be provided.
But when the child is out of probation prosperous family- alas. However, Murasheva does not hide this, although she misrepresents the facts of visiting her as a specialist, presenting everything in a favorable light for herself.
Love/ 04/27/2015 I read without stopping. The world has become brighter, brighter, warmer. Thank you.
Anastasia/ 04/21/2015 "To love or nurture?" came to me in a very right time. Thanks to Ekaterina Vadimovna, I try very hard to fix my relationship with my daughter. After reading the book, I became a little scared of what you need to find everywhere and in everything " golden mean", and this does not always work out. Not because of laziness, but because you don't know how to achieve it.
Olga/ 25.09.2014 Thank you for the books! Written in a simple, accessible language about the important.
Marina/ 04/23/2014 Impossible to tear myself away! thanks to Ekaterina for the fact that her books help me to understand my children more deeply, to be wiser and more reasonable in relation to them. And thank you for the opportunity to avoid banal mistakes!
Tatiana/ 6.04.2014 Thanks to Ekaterina Vadimovna! Professional, expert, excellent style of presentation. Now this is my reference book, assistant and support.
Alexander/ 7.12.2013 Thank you very much for the books!
Guest/ 16.09.2013 Treat or love? Read in one breath. The pleasure of the way it is written + the benefit of the content
Guest/ 02/19/2013 amazing author! written simply, so many life, real situations. And they helped me a lot!!!
Kim/ 12/24/2012 the book fell into the hands at a very necessary moment. It helped a lot, literally became a guide to action. I did everything as the author recommended. Thank you very much.
When a child comes into this world, everyone, especially parents, want him to be happy and grow up. a good man. What happens next? At some point, we begin to experience failures leading to the opposite effect! Faktrum lists ten common misconceptions about parenting.
1. I will live for my children
“I have something to live for. I will live for my children. Their upbringing is my main task.”
Ekaterina Murashova © Snob.ru No one can be a goal for anyone - this is too much responsibility that falls on the shoulders of a newborn. If I live for you, you must answer me with something, meet my expectations. There comes a time when the child cannot do this, because of which he begins to feel guilty. He understands what sacrifices his parents made for him.
Two hundred years ago, a woman who entered the reproductive cycle had five or six children, a small cemetery of dead babies and lived in order to raise the survivors. The children took it quite calmly, because her self-sacrifice was shared by everyone. Now, not only the mother who lives for him, but also grandparents from both sides, who have been waiting for him for a long, long time, often falls on one child. For a child, this is difficult psychologically, in connection with this, problems may arise. in some certain period time, mankind managed to defeat child mortality and almost all infections that mowed down entire cities. Only one thing has survived - it's neuropsychiatric diseases, and they are constantly getting younger: juvenile depression, Alzheimer's disease, autism spectrum disorders and others. Just one mistake related to the attitude “I have something to live for” is enough to ensure neurotic development in a child.
2. Playing Democracy
“The child is my equal person. Freedom, equality and fraternity.
You saw a duck with ducklings, how they walk: the mother goes in front, and the cubs follow her. Have ducklings ever gone in the other direction? Of course, there were, only they were weeded out by natural selection. They were eaten. In the process of evolution, with the help of natural selection, cubs were selected that were able to follow the female, or two parents, if the upbringing of the species is carried out jointly. And so the child finds himself in a world where he is told: "You are an equal person to me." In such a world, he is forced to dispose of adults, and this is beyond his power. As a result, we again have neuroticism.
Often the “game of democracy” is rooted in the childhood of the parents. Most of them had complicated relationship in the family, so now they want to become "friends" with their children. As a rule, this is a hippie single mother with a son who agrees to everything, as long as she does not touch him, and she tries to "be a good mother" and a friend. This is the only option for democratic education. IN big family such a situation is impossible, because someone will always get out. When you behave like a "big duck", build a world for the child, with its dangers and "beauties" - this is respect and proper behavior towards him. Because he came into the world under your wing, and it will take some time before he says that he has already grown up and it is time for him to become an "adult duck" himself.
3. There is only one correct parenting model.
"There are many different options upbringing and, probably, somewhere there is a correct one that needs to be found and used.
The population needs children who can follow instructions carefully, but they also need those who can break them. The only criterion that you should rely on when educating is yourself. What to do if education interferes older generation? For example, you forbid your daughter to play with her makeup, but she goes to her mother-in-law, and she gives her hers. How do you set boundaries in this case?
You have to understand that grandparents - no matter what they say - are absolutely right, because there are simply no wrong models. Moreover, according to one of these models you have already been brought up. You should not be afraid to tell them: “Thank you, dear ones, for your opinion, but this is my family and my child, and he will do as we do. But thank you, because you are right." There will be a border: you can take mother-in-law's cosmetics, but you can't take mine. There will be no break in the pattern in the minds of children.
My eldest daughter at the age of five was absolutely independent child. I used to take her to my grandmother and great-grandmother for the weekend. The great-grandmother who raised me stroke no longer recognize me. But she recognized my daughter perfectly, and, moreover, when I brought her, she seemed to turn on and behave in a completely different way. It looked like this: the door opens, my independent daughter enters the corridor, lies down on her back, lifts her legs up and says: “You, Galya (this is my mother), take off my boots, and you, bulya (abbr. granny), carry cinnamon rolls". I begin to embarrassedly hint that maybe, if not wash your hands, then at least undress first, and then buns. To which my grandmother, shuffling her slippers, with a tray of buns in her hands, answers me: “Let the baby eat the first bun in the corridor, what’s wrong?” And throws a bun in there. What could I object to the woman who raised me, who no longer recognizes me? All I had to do was walk out the door and disappear.
Two days later, I received my child, and as soon as she stepped over the threshold, the borders on which she lived at home turned on with a click. Children are able to distinguish between boundaries, the main thing is that they are clearly delineated. Our task is to tell the child what world he has entered and to form his own model of education.
4. The child will cope with his studies
“They didn’t do lessons with me, but I learned. I grew up a normal person So there is some sort of guarantee.
This position is logically consistent, except for one thing: you are not your parents, your child is not you, and the world in which you raise your child is not the one in which you were raised. The child may differ in temperament, strength nervous system and other parameters, there is no need to talk about differences in the environment. Therefore, to apply other people's models, and even more so to let everything take its course, is not the best option problem solving. There is a chance that the child will cope with everything on his own and be able to achieve a lot, but to increase this chance, help your child.
5. Stick and carrot
The "carrot and stick" method: positive and negative reinforcement.
There are two types of people who don't steal. Some are afraid that they will be sent to prison, others feel that they will get dirty in it. "Carrot and stick" can only bring up a child of the first type. The second type is feelings embedded important people since childhood. There is no internal moral law, there is something that was once laid in us, although we do not remember it. Negative reinforcement can only stop unwanted behavior. To bring up good habits, it is necessary to remember about positive reinforcement. When your child does something good - especially if earlier in similar situation he did the opposite - tell him how good it is. The child wants to be good and, noticing the moments marked by praise, will try to repeat them.
At the same time, project these feelings onto yourself: it makes no sense to say that the child acts well or badly towards another person, the only person whose emotions and feelings excite him is you yourself. Take responsibility.
6. Children are not animals
"Methods that are applied to animals should not be applied to children: it is immoral."
This is mistake. When babies are born, they are 80% small animals. Humanization begins almost immediately, but occurs gradually. While the child is small, there is a lot of animal in him. And the things that apply to raising kittens, puppies and other animals apply to him too. Let's remember conditioned reflex, called by the method of positive and negative reinforcement.
7. Negotiations with the child
"You can always negotiate with a child."
Psychologist Lorenz Kohlberg built the stages of development of the child on the basis of his moral development. The children were offered the conditions of the problem: there is one boy who was forbidden to climb into the buffet for jam. One day, while no one was looking, he decided to get some jam and accidentally dropped the cup; she fell and broke. And there is another boy whose parents asked him to carry a tray of cups from the kitchen to the dining room. When he was carrying a tray, he accidentally stumbled and broke all the cups. After that, the question was asked about which boy, in their opinion, was more to blame. Children under the age of five answered that the second one was because he broke more cups.
When you negotiate with a small child, you need to understand that you are trying to negotiate with a structure that is significantly different from you in intellectual, psychophysiological, moral and ethical terms. Sometimes you have to say that it will be because you are older and more experienced. No need to explain how it works electricity, because the child does not care, he just wants to put his fingers in the socket. You need to start negotiating when the child has formed ideas about the cause-and-effect relationship and he starts asking the question “why”, to which you will be required to answer. This maturation usually occurs after three years.
8. What is right for me is right for the child.
“If something is obvious to me, the child will understand it too sooner or later. If I believe that education is absolutely necessary thing He will start to think so too.
It is a mistake to believe that if a teacher at school says that your child is smart and he just needs to try a little harder, or you give him examples of other children who have taken up their minds, or refer to authoritative people, then sooner or later the child will understand what is needed take up studies. What is obvious and right for you is not obvious and wrong for him. And no matter how much you explain to the child, it will not change much.
9. I know better what he needs
“I am older and smarter than my child, so I know better what he needs.”
Logically, this is consistent, the child really has much less information, strength, and ability to form cause-and-effect relationships. But he is not you. What you need, the child may not be useful at all, because he is different, he may have completely different needs. You can try to tell him about your views, but at the same time show that this is your opinion: “it seems to me”, “I think so”. Do not say that it is obvious to everyone that higher education is needed. This is obvious to everyone, except for those who have found their place in life without him and are happy.
10. The child will solve my problems
"My child came into this world so that I could solve some of my problems."
It can be loneliness, replenishment of harmony in the family, or hope for care in old age. There is a phenomenon of mom-animator. It looks like this: “In the morning we have 15 minutes of classes with kinetic sand, then cards on Glenn Doman, after which we study Duchenne for half an hour, then a walk, where we feed the ducks, at the same time we learn Latin names, followed by lunch and fifteen minutes role-playing games, then we have modeling ... " Such a mother could not realize some of her own needs and now she projects them onto the child, actually interacting with herself.
The problem is that after some time she suddenly discovers that behind all this there is a living person, with his own worldview and interests. And when he begins to fall short of a certain level or refuses to do what he does not like, such a mother becomes depressed, because she has already planned everything. There is no positive way out of this situation. Sooner or later, this will affect both the parents and the child. A child does not come into the world for you to solve your problems. He comes as a new entity, and he should decide, not you. The world creates something new through you, and this is a real miracle.