Than private boarding houses in Russia are better than Western ones. Bad habits of older parents

Aging is a multidimensional process, but in most cases the focus is on medical aspect late age changes. Meanwhile, for family members, aging parents is a much more complex problem than the disease itself. Even full awareness of the health status of an elderly person, of the procedures and medications prescribed for him does not relieve children of the question: how to live next to the elderly, how to help them and themselves during this difficult period of life for all.

The textbook book by the American psychotherapist Joseph A. Ilardo, Ph.D., is one of the few that bridges the gap in this area. JA Ilardo's advice is based on his many years of practice, but not medical, but rather psychological character... How can adult children cope with feelings of irritation and guilt, how to overcome alienation between family members of different generations, what to do when they appear mental disorders for older parents, how to cope with the grief caused by their death is roughly the range of issues discussed in the book.

The Russian reader, perhaps, will find unusual and somewhat naive the author's persistent optimism and the classificatory method he uses, which makes it possible to meticulously lay out all the phenomena “on the shelves”. However, evaluating this work, one must bear in mind both the special nature of American medicine and the clearly expressed instructive nature of the book, conceived not only as an invitation to reflection, but also as practical guide to action.

The author attaches paramount importance to the awareness of family members regarding the very phenomenon of old age, its physiological and emotional nature. Without rational knowledge of this problem, freed from prejudices and various mythological layers, he believes, it will be very difficult for adult children to build correct, caring relationship with aging parents. Accordingly, the first chapter of the book is a small practically oriented informational compendium based on the latest advances in gerontology and geriatrics.

First of all, Ilardo emphasizes the individual nature of aging, which should not be overshadowed by the general similarity of the changes that occur with all older people, and requires a thoughtful and experienced personal approach in relations with them. Moreover, in the body and psyche of each person, numerous aging processes develop at different rates and - what is especially interesting - largely independently of each other, and each of these processes, in principle, can be influenced by special methods. Finally, one of the main points underlying the book is that aging is not necessarily associated with degradation and disease.

Modern gerontology distinguishes between two levels of aging: primary, which includes purely physiological, genetically determined processes, and secondary, determined by the individual's lifestyle, past illnesses and possible injuries. The primary ones are mainly trophic changes (i.e., associated with the functioning of hormonal substances in the body), which lead to a decrease in skin elasticity, a decrease in bone mass, the number of muscle fibers, a weakening of the sensory organs, etc. To some - insignificant - medicine has learned to influence these processes quite recently. Secondary aging is a different matter. It is not always possible to prevent accidents, but we still choose our own lifestyle. It is known that the health of an elderly person to a very large extent depends on the diet, physical activity, the use of tobacco and alcohol, and not only in old age, but also in younger years.

Perhaps the most frightening for the aging person's environment is the changes affecting the brain and activity. nervous system... In this regard, the author makes several important distinctions, while simultaneously pointing out to the reader a number of common misconceptions. First of all, he notes that one cannot equate the brain and thinking. With age, the brain is like physiological organ functions less intensively, however, intellectual skills, the power of abstract thinking and its individual traits may remain pronounced as before. The quality of a thought is largely determined by the level of its complexity and how accurately it interprets reality. Old man can process information slower, but be infallible and deep in his judgments. In addition, research has established that mental capacity of a person increase as a result of exercise, like his physical strength. From here, as well as from own practice the author draws an encouraging, albeit unexpected for many, conclusion: a person is capable of learning at any age, his intellect does not necessarily undergo destruction. However, clarification is needed here. We can talk about two components of intelligence: "plastic" (fluid) and "crystallized" (crystallized). The first is included in the work in cases where it is necessary to react to unexpected events, quickly find a non-trivial way out. This ability of the intellect develops from constant use and, conversely, weakens if not used. The second component is "responsible" for the assimilation of information, oral and written expression feelings and thoughts, she not only does not fade away, but is able to improve with age, of which there are many examples. As for the widespread phenomenon of senile dementia, its author does not hesitate to refer it to the consequences of cerebral diseases and does not consider it as an indispensable sign of "normal" aging.

Moving on to considering the emotional consequences of aging, sometimes quite severe, Ilardo remains true to his method, breaking them into two main categories. He refers to the first category emotional experiences associated with the bitter experience of previous years: loneliness, loss of loved ones, loss of hope for the future, deprivation of former physical attractiveness, authority, social status, etc. To the second - emotional states caused by a sharp narrowing of the circle physical capabilities person.

However, old age brings not only negative emotions... For many people, old age is a time of well-deserved rest, the realization of a well-lived life. Psychoanalyst Eric Erickson notes that a dignified and harmonious old age in the highest degree inherent in caring for the next generation. This concern is often intangible: an old man shares his wisdom with children and grandchildren, wants to warn them against his mistakes.

The first chapter ends with a little practice test. The author cites a number of typical situations arising in families where there are old people, and invites the reader to mentally put himself in the place of their adult children. Here is one of them, for example. An older person increasingly begins to repeat the same stories from his childhood or adolescence. There are several types of reactions to this to choose from: a) remind him that he has already told about it, b) pretend that you are hearing it for the first time, c) reproach him for repeating the same thing over and over. The author himself considers the most acceptable type of behavior a) as the most respectful and honest.

The second chapter focuses on emotional state children, often very acutely aging parents. As we grow up, our parents appear to us as omnipotent, omniscient people on whom we can rely on everything. The loss of confidence in parental "infallibility" always deals a serious blow to the feelings of the rest of the family, forcing them to reconsider a lot in their attitude to life.

Ilardo breaks the material he has collected into several blocks. First, he describes how adult children experience a time when their father and mother, more recently full of life gradually lose physical strength, intellectual security and self-confidence. The natural reaction of children to all of this is worry and sadness. And only with a lack of love and mutual respect in the family do children develop anger, irritation and even hatred towards their parents. Ilardo lists typical emotions experienced by children whose parents begin to age before their eyes.

At first, the unexpected signs of aging surprise and amaze others. So, the mother of one of Ilardo's clients, who quite recently carefully monitored her appearance and made caustic remarks about the outfits of other women, for some time began to appear in public untidy and unkempt, which led her daughter to extreme confusion. As a rule, such indifference is explained not by the fact that a person loses observation and ceases to be aware of his own actions, but by the fact that he loses his taste for life. V this case ordinary antidepressants helped, the aging lady returned to her previous type of behavior for a long time.

Sometimes children are not able to internally come to terms with the real and bitter fact that their parents have grown old, and then they have a reaction of rejection and distrust - they prefer not to notice the manifestations of old age in their parents and behave as if nothing has changed. Someone stubbornly refuses to admit to himself that his mother is no longer able to arrange family dinners for twenty people and, as if nothing had happened, invites into the house big company relatives. Someone refuses to believe that his father, until recently such a big man, suddenly fell ill with cancer, and does not come to his hospital. All these reactions appear in the early stages of aging of parents. Children need time to get used to the changes that are taking place.

The next group of reactions occurs after the realization that parents have really passed into the category of old people. A whole fan of negative emotions - resentment, discontent, impatience, a feeling of devastation, etc. - arises in cases where previous years there was no mutual understanding between parents and children, or the parents behaved in a “non-parental” manner more young age... A curious reaction of "intellectualization" is that children, unable to withstand the severity of their own experiences, sometimes begin to replace the natural feeling of compassion in-depth study medical and psychological literature on old age.

As a special category, the author singles out the emotions that arise in adult children when they begin to try on the aging situation on themselves. Looking at their parents, children inevitably think about their own future fate, and the consequences of this are far from always negative. Often they have fear and confusion in the face of approaching old age and related illnesses, but sometimes it happens in a different way. Ilardo remembers one of his clients. She was a purposeful business woman with a rather conservative lifestyle. One of her schoolgirl daughters dreamed of a career as a model, but her mother did not want to hear about it and imperiously directed her daughter to the path of academic studies. And only after her own elderly mother fell seriously ill, the strict lady softened, exposing her life values deep revision. “Why have I been hindering cherished desires my daughter? " she asked herself bitterly and could not find an answer. After that, she allocated a significant amount to hire a photographer and create a portfolio for her daughter. In addition, she significantly changed her lifestyle, which from now on could be called moderate hedonism. The tragic event gave a new dimension to her life, which became much richer and more interesting.

Very often, adult children are unable to cope with their emotions, they have nervous breakdowns. They may start yelling at their aging parents, treating them dismissively or even aggressively. Between younger family members, quarrels arise, they begin to have troubles at work, headaches, and other painful somatic manifestations - the consequences of prolonged depressive conditions. In such cases, the author strongly recommends contacting a psychologist or, perhaps, some spiritual person. To help the reader understand himself, the book contains a small questionnaire, the answers to the questions of which allow us to judge whether our reactions to what is happening are natural or they have already acquired a painful character.

So far, the author has talked about how the aging process affects individuals - parents and children. In the third chapter, the object of his attention is the family as an integral organism, as a system that responds in a special way to various "disturbances", be it internal (such as aging and illness of parents) or external (intrusion into the life of the family by strangers - doctors, psychologists, etc., to whose recommendations you have to somehow react and whose work must be paid). Any system, as long as it remains so, strives to maintain equilibrium. Accordingly, Ilardo considers different types family reactions to new life circumstances, either as appropriate to this goal (i.e., normal), or as contrary to it (harmful, unhealthy).

The main idea of ​​the author is that in the changed conditions, when the older members of the family cease to play their former role in it, become helpless and often require increased attention to themselves, sometimes the unconscious desire of people to conserve the prevailing family structure, keep intact the role relationships dating back to early childhood... Old rivalry between children, settling old scores, envy of parental "favorites", vanity " an exemplary child”- all this, especially in conditions of stress, financial difficulties, difficult moral experiences, etc., can lead to very sad results, destructive for the family. The author, on the other hand, calls for flexibility and openness. It is advisable, he writes, to distribute responsibilities among younger family members in such a way that everyone uses their strengths: someone is better at negotiations with doctors, lawyers, psychologists, someone is better at caring for the elderly, etc. However, he is convinced in the fact that truly complex structural problems cannot be solved “from within” the family community and require the indispensable help of a psychologist.

It is important to understand that aging parents is not only a part of them. life cycle but also part of the family life cycle. In this sense, the situation of aging parents is normal, every family is faced with it in one way or another, and every family must get out of this crisis - otherwise it will cease to exist. The third chapter of the book, devoted to this problem, is largely formalized, filled with diagrams and tables that reflect in detail the correct phases of the evolution of the family as a system and the undesirable course of its development, possible mistakes, an approximate agenda of family councils, etc. expounds it professionally and adequately, however, it can be assumed that the domestic reader will shake his head in bewilderment more than once, turning over these pages. The notorious difference in mentality affects. We will leave everyone to independently judge how applicable such, for example, the author's recommendation, to Russian conditions. If at a large family council, assembled to solve painful problems, someone begins to clearly dominate, "hammering" the replicas of the rest of the family, you should choose a chairperson and regulate the time of each speech ...

One of the most important problems for family life is the mental health of its older members. In the fourth chapter, Ilardo identifies two types of mental abnormalities in the elderly: mental disorder and nervous disorder.

It should be noted that the very concept of a norm is ambiguous. Some psychologists give it the meaning of an ideal. They consider normal only those people who have fully realized themselves in life, are happy, active and satisfied with their existence. For others, the term "normal" means a condition with predictable reactions. The norm can also be understood statistically and mean the behavior and emotions characteristic of a given social group. From this point of view, memory lapses in people over 65 can be considered normal. In practical psychology, such an approach to the norm is widespread: the norm is a state that allows a person to live a normal everyday life, communicate with others, and solve everyday and other problems that arise in front of him.

The author lists in detail the main factors that serve as prerequisites for mental disorders. First is physiological reasons: brain aging, sleep disturbance and various somatic diseases. (All these phenomena in themselves are completely natural, they only increase the likelihood of mental disorders.) Secondly, it is various changes v emotional perception of the world, which the author considers even more significant than physical aging. In a society where youth and health are primarily valued, the old person experiences loneliness, bitterness associated with the loss of former authority, power, etc. Both types of factors are closely interrelated. Thus, hearing impairment can lead not only to a feeling of isolation, but also to excessive suspicion, in some cases even to paranoia. In addition, physical weakness deprives a person of his personal space, in which he is the master, and a sense of independence. Therefore, the author advises, when surrounding an elderly person with care, one must be extremely careful not to make him feel helpless. You can’t free the elderly from everyone family responsibilities, it is necessary to carefully consider what activities they will be able to do, and thus involve them in common life. Realizing their weakness, older people begin to fear becoming a burden for the family and being rejected by the family because of this.

Highlighted in a separate heading social factors... Retirement is accompanied by a sharp decline in a person's income. Pensioners begin to save on everything they can, on food, telephone conversations, electricity, and often they behave this way, even if the children have enough money to support them - and all for the same reason: for fear of being a burden to the family. Old people are often insulted, they are inattentive. And this happens not so much because of changes in the behavior of the elderly themselves, but because children do not want to delve into the needs of their parents. Helping them physically and financially, they often deny them emotional, human support, which they need in the first place.

It is important to understand the following with regard to mental disorders in general.

There is no need to be ashamed of these deviations. The taboo nature of mental illness dates back to the times when they were seen as a sign of demonic possession. Nowadays, many problems can be solved by visiting a psychologist or medication.

The appearance of mental disorders is not a sign of weakness of character. To think so is also to follow an archaic prejudice. Many patients feel ashamed when they see a specialist, believing that if they were stronger, they themselves could cope with their illness. However, the situation is exactly the opposite: going to the doctor is a manifestation of strength, not weakness. There are diseases that a person, in principle, cannot cope with on his own.

Nor should you think that prescriptions for medicines are a doctor's letter or a way to “drive diseases inside”. Today it has been irrefutably established that many mental disorders occur due to improper functioning of the brain. For example, depression is the result of low serotonin levels in the body. There are modern remedies that in most cases relieve the problem of depression. However, it is important to remember to treat the cause, not the effect.

With all positive impact a favorable home climate, love and care of loved ones, it must be remembered that in cases of mental disorders it is absolutely necessary to consult a specialist.

Moving on to talking about people myself old age entering the last phase of their lives, Ilardo stresses the need for careful planning further action to care for them. In this regard, you need to take into account all possible options further development events, since there are, alas, few such options. When making important decisions, he writes, one must first of all take into account the desires of themselves. elderly parents(of course, if their reasoning remains clear enough). One of the earliest and most fundamental questions to be addressed in these cases for American readers of this book is whether to leave the old person in a family where it is very difficult to provide him with appropriate care, or to place him in a nursing home. Ilardo gives many reasons for home care... For Russia, this issue, apparently, will remain irrelevant for a long time - due to the established tradition, as well as the small number and squalor of our homes for the elderly.

In most cases, older people want to stay at home as long as possible - native home gives a feeling of confidence, security, everything in it is familiar and familiar. Old people do not tolerate change well. Highly great importance also have relationships with friends and neighbors. In addition, the presence of parents at home, even if they are aging and weak, has a calming effect on children.

The decision to leave an elderly person at home carries a lot of responsibility. It is necessary to carefully consider everything that can be done in the apartment in order to ensure its safety. For example, a non-slip rug is needed in the bathroom, the thresholds inside the apartment should be removed if possible, it is better to use self-switching devices when cooking - microwave oven and electric kettles, the most necessary items should be readily available. It is also necessary to make changes related to personal illnesses of the person: for the hearing impaired, for example, it is necessary to install a loud door and phone call, for the visually impaired - bright light and, if possible, use contrasting colors in the environment. It is impossible to list all the recommendations, but the easiest way to understand exactly what changes need to be made is if you take the place of an elderly person, try to look at the environment with his eyes.

Old age sooner or later ends, and a person enters the last phase of his life path - the last days before death.

Ilardo is a staunch opponent of artificially prolonging the life of hopelessly ill patients. In the seventh chapter, he gives a brief typological description of all the participants in the final drama in the life of the old man. These are, firstly, representatives of the hospital administration, who - out of fear of possible prosecution - use every conceivable and inconceivable technical means to support the physical functioning of the body. Secondly, these are doctors who, from their student days, are taught to support the patient's life "at any cost" and who the death of each patient - natural completion life - perceived as their own defeat. Further, these are nurses and nursing staff. These people, being all the time next to the dying person, perhaps, like no one else, feel the senselessness and cruelty of prolonged methods, however, under the threat of dismissal, they cannot deviate one iota from the prescriptions of the attending physician. And finally, the most important thing is the patient and his family. Sociological studies have shown that the medical staff of hospitals prefers "good" patients to "bad" ones, that is, obedient and weak-willed - independent, inquisitive, interested in the course of treatment and defending their rights. Meanwhile, practice shows that it is the "bad" patients that go through all the phases of the disease more easily than the "good" ones. The majority of patients and their relatives obediently follow the instructions of doctors, succumbing to their pressure.

The author considers it absolutely unacceptable from a moral point of view that the most important medical decisions are made without taking into account the desires of the dying person and his relatives. Hilardo himself is a supporter of the Right to Die movement, which emerged in America in response to several factors. The technical revolution that affected medicine made it possible to maintain the vegetative existence of the patient indefinitely. Dying has become a very expensive, high-tech, sterile process under full control. medical staff hospitals. Number of rumors and stories about last months, if not years, agonizing patients exceeded, so to speak, the critical mass. These stories were passed on by word of mouth and practically did not penetrate the media until the late 1970s. Meanwhile, their content, without exaggeration, chilled the soul. In the name of "correct medicine", involving the patient's loved ones and himself in an exhausting competition with death, destinies were crippled, families ruined and collapsed. In the end, the medical community was attacked from both ends of the spectrum. Some families, exhausted by the endless agony of a loved one, initiated criminal cases in the courts against doctors who, in their opinion, ignored the rights of patients and their own, others brought up modern culture, for whom death is the worst of evils, on the contrary, they were sued for medical errors, due to which the patient was allegedly "missed." As a result, according to many observers, medicine has become more concerned with shielding itself from possible lawsuits than with the welfare of patients. During this tense period, the very concept of death turned into a legal term, and at the same time - through the efforts of ethicists, lawyers, doctors - it underwent significant corrosion and lost its shape. In earlier, more "simple-minded" times, death was recorded in case of irreversible cardiac arrest, then the cessation of the work of the brain, then - of its individual sections, etc., became an indicator. professionals to hear the voice of the patient, to make sure that in the last days he remains the master of himself and his last hours rather than a victim of circumstance and an object of medical manipulation.

In 1991, the US Congress passed the Patient Self-Determination Act, according to which every patient admitted to a hospital must be made aware of their rights. In addition, the patient in mandatory the question is asked whether he has with him a so-called "living will", which would contain the so-called preliminary instructions regarding subsequent medical activities, which should be applied in the event of his further incapacity. (A separate clause of the law stipulates that the patient's care and treatment should not depend on the presence of a will of life.) In fact, although the specified will is the core and main content of the Patient Self-Determination Law, in the description and legal definition There are many contradictions and pitfalls in this document. Ilardo devotes ten pages of his book detailed analysis the possible interpretation of the controversial places available in the will form itself, as well as recommendations for its completion.

The last chapter of the book is devoted to how different people experiencing the death of their parents. Ilardo describes in detail all possible types of reactions to this tragic event. The quintessence of his reasoning is, perhaps, the following thought: the main condition for the normal flow of emotions is the openness of family members to each other. There is nothing more detrimental than the inability to cry, sincerely express your emotions. It is very important to internally accept natural course things and, on the one hand, do not impose a ban on your own emotions and the emotions of other people, on the other, do not try to artificially prolong the feeling of bitterness and grief, which could otherwise turn into a chronic mental disorder.

Daria Belokryltseva

Joseph A. Ilardo, ph.d., L. C. S. W. As Parents Age. A Psychological and Practical Guide. Acton, Massachusetts, 1998. Joseph A. Ilardo - Psychotherapist, Ph.D. Heads the Center for Adult Children of Seniors (New Fairfield, Connecticut).

Sooner or later, most of us are faced with problems in relationships with older parents. More often than not, people just complain to each other, not seeing ways to somehow change the situation. Why is it so difficult for us to communicate with old people? Why do they need to piss us off? Why do they constantly advise us, criticize and interfere in our lives? Why is nothing new being accepted? And what are we to do with all this?

About a year ago, I heard about Sasha Galitsky's master classes that help people establish relationships with old people from a relative. Her husband's old parents live in another city. Each time they were looking forward to their son and daughter-in-law to visit, but in the end such visits became a test for both sides and often ended in mutual grievances. So, after attending the master class, people managed to significantly improve their relationships and even enjoy communication.

Sasha Galitsky is an artist, sculptor. Once an art director in large company, Sasha left a prestigious job and for 15 years has been leading a woodcarving club in nursing homes in Israel. Most of his students are over 80, and some have crossed the 100-year mark. In 2016, Sasha Galitsky's book “Mom, Do Not Cry! How to learn to communicate with elderly parents and at the same time not go crazy yourself ”, in which he shares his experience with readers. We talked with Sasha about the book, master classes and the peculiarities of working with elderly people.

Sasha Galitsky. Photo: Tomer Epelbaum, for Haaretz newspaper

“If I had known these answers 20 years ago, my relationship with my parents would have been different, and their old age would have been different too. But I can't get my parents back. That is why I am writing this book for those whose parents are still alive. For those who still have the opportunity to learn how to communicate with them. And at the same time do not go crazy yourself. Now I know how to do it. "

Sasha, please tell us how your book was born?

I have been working with the elderly in Israeli nursing homes for 15 years. I was fortunate enough to work with that generation of old people who, at a young age, experienced the Second world war, passed the concentration camps - they came to the newly created state of Israel at the age of 18-20 after the greatest catastrophe. It amazes me how, after all the tragic events that befell them, they were able to start living again. Life force that motivates these people is simply incredible! Through contact with their destinies, through gradual understanding and growing into their psychology, I came to this book.

The idea of ​​the book belongs to Vladimir Yakovlev (journalist, author of the Age of Happiness project), he also came up with its format. I'm not a psychologist. I wrote the book as if from the inside. I tried to express my point of view on this issue as honestly as possible.

“Have you ever noticed that no old people annoy us as much as our own? This is because all old people are just old people. And ours are aged parents whom we remember by others, young and full of strength and who, relatively recently, played a completely different role in our life. We are not ready to allow them to become senile, go stupid and fall into childhood. "

You teach master classes in which you explain how to interact with older people: what to do, and most importantly, what should not be done under any circumstances. What are these rules?

Many people, whose parents have grown old and become weak, are in despair because they are faced with new experiences for themselves and do not know what to do, how to behave. I wanted to tell you how it could be different.

Here are the basic rules for dealing with old people, which I have deduced over the years of working with them. They are simple and quite versatile:

1. Do not expect pleasure from communication

3. Do not try to change parents

4. Know their "technical characteristics"

5. Don't get into conflict

6. Compassion, but not regret

7. Don't argue

8. Manage experiences

9. Don't blame yourself

10. Forgive

You say that in no case should you argue with old people, try to convince them of something. Why is it so important?

Because it is impossible to convince them. And trying to argue, you can only ruin the relationship. You can't fix your parents, you have to put up with it. In this situation, you can only change yourself, change your attitude towards what is happening.

Mom, what kind of coffee do you want?
- Instant, the cheapest!
- Good.

What does the principle of "steer" mean?

There comes a time when you have to take control in your relationship with your parents. This is a problem, it is not that easy. Here it is necessary to imperceptibly change the vector of relations, the psychological balance of power between the child and the parent: stop communicating with aspiration. No longer to be led, but to lead. It is difficult, but possible. To do this, you need to stop making excuses, stop explaining, stop playing little boy or a girl in a relationship with a parent. This can be done with humor. Most of the time this works.

“A laughing old man is not dangerous. With the help of a joke - any, even not the most successful one - you can defuse almost any dangerous situation that arises in communication with an elderly person. "

But it is not necessary to take the leading role "head-on". It is impossible to say: "From today we are doing this!". This can be changed little by little. First, to understand that the questions of mom or dad "What did you do?", "Where did you go?" you cannot answer. Instead of answering, you can joke. I do not answer the exact questions of my charges: how much do you have? where? as? I am confusing, I ask counter questions. I have to pick up the pole of this flag, at the same time putting my shoulder on the sly, avoiding conflicts. Because in conflicts we immediately lose, they are useless - unless we are talking about human safety and health, but here the “direct frontal attack” method does not work, a different approach is needed.

Getting used to a new role, you must understand that you can make a mistake, you can break down, but in general, your policy must change. Because when a person is very old, he ceases to perceive you as a son or daughter, he begins to perceive you as a guardian parent.

“Elderly parents are not our friends. Elderly parents are elderly parents to us. This is an extremely specific, special kind of relationship, built on the need for communication and, by their very nature, is not a pleasure, but a test. A test of our ability to help them, love them, respect them, as they are, and not as we with all our hearts, would very much like them to be. "

There are elderly people who, despite their advanced years and physical weakness, are not ready to give up the status of the head of the family. They are used to making decisions, taking responsibility for themselves and their families, and still demand respect and obedience. How to be in this case?

Yes, indeed, people in transition period(when they are not yet completely weak, they still do not feel like old people, but already need care) they give up the reins of government with difficulty. But here we need to make it clear that I will take them away from you for your own good anyway. I will be strong with you. You have to be strong inside. This cannot be done by means of scandals, by announcing that from now on you are in charge. It has to come from within, gradually. A bloodless revolution must take place in the relationship.

It is difficult to do this with people whom you have known for many years, with whom you have established relationships, and he understands that if he lift a finger, everything will be the way he wants, because it has always been that way. But out of love for them, you have to try. After all, you cannot obey a 90-year-old man.

If you could go back in time, how would you communicate with own parents? What would you change if you had the experience that you gained for last years?

I would not argue with my parents and would not try to convince them.

When we are inside the situation, we look from our belfry: what our old people are harmful, capricious, how much they cause inconvenience ... But if we look from the inside of their experience, we will see that they are very bad. These are their last years. They are afraid of illness, their own weakness, boredom, their own uselessness and uselessness, death, in the end. It takes so much work to get up in the morning, to do the usual things, which before, in their youth, were given to them easily and simply. And the realization that it won't be better is especially oppressive, it will only get worse.

How is your health, David?
- Worse than it was, but better than it will be!

Everyone is afraid of old age in one way or another. Many, complaining about their unbearable old people, say that they would not want to live to that age (namely, to senile insanity and helplessness). Do you think there is some way to extend your working age? And is there any way to help parents stay sane longer?

Do not know. Yes and no. Of course, if you are, as they say, active, busy, passionate about some occupation, then they say that a sound mind will remain in you longer. And so it is. Although there is always a place for a case that will either send you, say, for some kind of operation under general anesthesia, and you yourself will wake up, but your head will remain asleep. Or, taking a handful of pills a day, it is difficult to stay sane, because many of them have a negative side effect on the brain.

At this point, as someone is lucky, although you have to try. I can also say that you should not be afraid of losing your mind in old age, if you do not want to lose it ( laughs).

What is your task when you come to class with your grandparents?

I usually work with a group of 10-11 people. The work is very hard: the people are all very good, but very sick and very old. Today one grandfather said that he celebrated the 19th anniversary of his stay in a nursing home. He is 92 or 93 years old. This is still a rather cheerful person. And when a whole group of such people comes to you, it's hard.

Old age is a relative thing. I recently received my 96-year-old student on the question "How are you?" replied: “Bad. I am completely exhausted. "
- And when did you feel bad? - I ask.
- When I got sick.
- When did you get sick?
- Half a year ago.

It is important that people understand that they have come to you for a reason. You have to run like crazy to give them something. At this stage, you give all your best, only the skin remains. And then suddenly at some point you feel that they are already full, they have received their portion positive energy and now they are happy, their mood has improved. With the help of touching, joking elbowing, words, humor, you try to keep them in this state. You speak loudly all the time so that they hear and understand that you are present here. It works, but it is difficult to execute, as it requires a lot of energy.

How are you, Eliyahu? - every time in the morning I ask the 102-year-old Petrushka.
“Bad,” he always replies resentfully, “today I thought not to come to you at all.
- It's good that you came! - yell in his deaf ear.
“You don’t take two things into account. My age and my illnesses, - he continues to be angry with me.
- What are you sick with?
“I can't tell you that.
Although, to tell the truth, after the lesson he goes home quite rejuvenated. For ten years.

Why do you think these people come to you?

I am not their son or grandson. I am a labor teacher. This gives me the opportunity to arrange such hooligan workshops, where we tell, for example, rude jokes. I can and swear at them. Of course, I do not put them in a corner, because in principle it is very difficult for some of them to stand up, but I often say that I will leave them for the second year if they continue this way. Or I promise to call my parents. What they are very happy about. At this point, they forget how old they are. A former intelligence officer with great experience can attach "horns" former owner large firm.

I try to communicate at eye level. Not bottom-up, not top-down, but on an equal footing. Eliminate formalism. You see, this should be a very honest communication.

Tell me, - Meir (82 years old) told me yesterday, - do you have vodka at home?
- Why? I asked.
- To come to your senses after communicating with us!
- Well, what can I tell you. Of course have. How else.

Despite the fact that it is very difficult for you with your students, you always talk about them with a smile, with great tenderness and warmth. How do you manage to maintain this kind attitude?

How can you fight them? It's impossible. You cannot come to them with anti-charge. When I began to fight for the truth with one of my students, at the same time I was absolutely right, because I am always right ( laughs), it didn't work out very well. One old woman once told me: "Sasha, we are going to leave now." Do you understand? That is, "we will leave now, because we are uncomfortable here." In no case should you be irritated, show rage. You can play it as much as you like, but inside you need to smile. This needs to be learned.

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about the author

First I became a mother, then a mother who reads books to children, and now from a reading mother, I turned into a writing mother. It turned out that in addition to my favorite childhood "Mowgli", "Winnie the Pooh", "Baby and Carlson", there are many more children's books that I have not even heard of. I'm not even talking about the new books that are being published now. It is absolutely impossible not to share those treasures that we and children constantly find, so I keep my blog about children's books, and also talk about them on the pages of Internet resources, the main readers of which are parents. I believe that every child in childhood should have many interesting, kind, beautiful books.

Ingredients:

Corn plastids - 90 Grams
Walnuts - 0.5 Cups (shelled)
Condensed milk "Toffee" - 180 Gram (boiled)
Powdered sugar - 1 Tbsp. spoon (for decoration)

Servings: 4

How to cook "Dessert" Spruce cones"for the New Year"

1. Prepare ready-made products: nuts, boiled condensed milk and corn flakes. Powdered sugar will be needed at the very end to decorate the cones.
2. Grind the nuts in a mortar (or just chop them finely with a knife).

3. Add nuts to the cornflakes.
4. Then add the condensed milk. Stir well and gently until the mixture is viscous and smooth. Don't break the flakes!

5. Take glasses, ideally conical. I didn't have any, so I took it for champagne. The main thing is that the glasses do not taper towards the top, otherwise the cones will be impossible to reach! Moisten them with water and fill tightly with the mixture. Tamp down a little with a spoon. Refrigerate for 3 hours.
6. After three hours, carefully pry the cones with a knife and help them out of the glasses. Place on a plate and sprinkle with powder.

The buds are ready!

See them getting old, little by little take responsibility for them daily life- we did not prepare for this change of roles, and it evokes the strongest, contradictory feelings in us. Here are some tips to help you get through this difficult stage in life.

“My mother is 78 years old,” says 53-year-old Margarita. - She lives alone and until recently was very active. And in the last year she began to weaken, and now she cannot do without outside help. The nurse lives with her all week, and on Sundays I take over the baton.

Mom has always been active, cheerful, and now to see her so helpless, to hear her voice trembling, hurts to tears. It would never even occur to me to give up on her, but when I come to her, I find myself wanting to go home as soon as possible. Sometimes I think about how long this will all last, and I feel guilty ... After all, I really love her! But I find it unbearable to see her like this ... "

Sooner or later, the time comes when our parents become dependent on us. This is a new and difficult stage in their and our lives. It can come suddenly if a parent gets sick. Or it comes gradually, when year after year their memory weakens, interests narrow, and strength gradually leaves. In both cases, we are forced to assume the role of helping, for which we are often not ready. And this inversion of roles, forcing us to change our lives, is difficult.

Aging is a taboo topic

“No matter how old we are and no matter how independent we are, our parents are still our parents,” says psychotherapist Viktor Kagan. - A deep inner expectation lives in us, which is usually not recognized that we have a quiet haven, where mom or dad will always listen to us, understand, pour a bowl of soup ... very much. In fact, we begin to become an orphan with living parents. "

Our inner child may react differently to these changes. An important role is played by the attitude that the parents themselves have formed. “When a person receives a message in a family that he will have to take care of his father and mother, this idea becomes natural, organic for him,” reflects gestalt therapist Nifont Dolgopolov, “but at the same time, the obligation itself can cause irritation.

It is important that parents, while still in power, discuss with their children the inevitable onset of old age.

In some families, aging is not addressed at all. The idea that parents can grow old is not embedded in the mind of a person. And when this happens, the adult child ignores the new circumstances or negatively and even aggressively treat the weakness of the mother or father, as if they were to blame for it. Therefore, it is so important that parents, while still in power, discuss with their children the inevitable onset of old age, but not in the “you must!” Mode, but only expressing such a wish. ”

It is also important that children face this situation usually after the age of fifty - and this is a time of crisis, sometimes painful, when the first results of life are summed up. The old age of parents reminds us of what inevitably awaits us, and with this thought we are not always ready to come to terms.

"I want to remain a son"

Tenderness, hatred, compassion, rejection ... An adult who takes care of his parents experiences strong and conflicting feelings. This ambivalence can be excruciating. And in order to get rid of her, he can strive to become an ideal guardian, to prevent every desire of his parents, literally blowing dust off them.

“It is bitter and scary to see how someone who has always been in our life is preparing to leave it,” says psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. - Sometimes fear hides behind irritation: don't you dare grow old so quickly, I'm scared! I do not want to remain the oldest, the first in line "there" - it is not fair, you have always been the oldest! Perhaps we want to maintain the illusion of control over life: if I take care of them perfectly, I will stop time. ”

What is happening is what Viktor Kagan describes as a clash of two parental positions: “I become a parent for the parents, I accept responsibility for them - and they have not yet given up their responsibility. And what's more, they don't want to lose it. In it, for them, is the confirmation of life. When we take too much care of them, we seem to remove them from the playing field. "

In fact, excessive care turns into disrespect for feeling dignity that old people want to keep. “My father walks with hard work leaning on a stick, says 50-year-old Alexander. - From the outside it is a painful sight. But every day he goes to a nearby store. At home, he tries to fix something himself, although his fingers are getting worse and worse.

Mom reproaches me for callousness: can't I take over all these worries? And I think that such guardianship would humiliate my father. It is important for him to feel that he is still a man in the house. And I want to remain my father's son. "

Often we take over the functions of caregivers simply because no one needs old people but us, and no one will bother with them.

There are situations when the elders are no longer able to do without help in elementary matters - they cannot dress themselves, wash themselves. This situation is difficult for them and for us. “The parent's body is taboo,” says psychoanalyst Catherine Bergeret-Amselek. "A son should not be concerned with his mother's toilet and, likewise, a daughter with his father's toilet: these situations are too closely related to the prohibition of incest."

“It is important to remember about personal dignity: the inability to wash or get dressed on their own oppresses an elderly person, showing this to a son or daughter can be difficult. The withered body, altered beyond recognition, completes the picture, ”adds Ekaterina Mikhailova.

How to get out of this situation with dignity? Catherine Bergeret-Amselek advises: "It is better to entrust this task to professionals in order to show respect for the intimate world of elders." “Let's be realistic: where are these professionals? - objects Ekaterina Mikhailova. - Often we take on the functions of nurses not at all because we do not know about the prohibition of incest: just our old people are not needed by anyone except us, and no one will bother with them.

In this harsh Russian reality, it is worth remembering simple things: the elders should be left with at least a little protection. Turn away in time, let him cover himself with a sheet ... It is very important to respect personal boundaries. "

Agree on expenses

Medicines, visits from private doctors, a nurse - we have to open our wallet every now and then in order to adequately support elderly parents. Arguments often arise between siblings about how to share these costs. In addition, parents themselves often lose their idea of ​​money, showing unusual generosity to some children at the expense of others ...

Money often aggravates family conflicts... "Organize family council, - recommends Catherine Bergeret-Amselek, - and together openly discuss all financial issues to support parents. This will help to avoid misunderstandings and offenses. "

Each of the children has a role to play.

If there are two or more children in the family, one of them feels more free in this situation. This is largely the result of upbringing: stroking the old man's hand, hugging, pressing cheek to cheek easier than, who himself knew parental affection in childhood.

Temperament also matters. Within the framework of one family, one of the adult children will prefer to express their feelings through touch, the other - in words, the third, discreet, will hide emotions behind the execution of specific care tasks.

There are a thousand and one ways to express your affection for your parents. And it also depends on the ties that have developed between us over the years.

“We live life with our parents. A lot of things accumulate in relationships that can hinder us when we take custody of the elderly, ”recalls Viktor Kagan. Therefore, do not be annoyed with those brothers or sisters who do less for their parents or do not like us. This would mean rejecting our differences. A brother or sister has a different story, and they may, for example, be more afraid of death than we do.

Rarely are all children in equally caring for the elderly - one takes on the role of the main assistant. Most often this is a daughter or one of the daughters who lives next to their parents. She often complains, and not without reason, that this burden takes too much of her strength and undermines her health.

After one of the children stops blaming others and simply invites them to share the care of their parents, the tension is relieved.

This always sounds like a direct or indirect rebuke to other brothers and sisters. “This is your choice! - they can answer, - comments Nifont Dolgopolov. - It is important to realize this reality and change your idea of ​​what "I should" to "I want." Perhaps it is me who is really more connected with the mother or father, or more dependent on them, less separated than other children.

But brothers and sisters have a different nature of relationships, and there is nothing wrong with that. After one of the children stops blaming others and simply invites them to share the care of their parents, the tension is most often relieved and siblings begin to really help him. "

The reaction of the elderly, reviving children's rivalry for parents, can also be offensive to the “main helper”. The fact that their daughter carries them heavy bags of groceries, washes the floors, washes, is taken for granted - but the visit of his son, who for the first time in six months decided to visit them with a box of chocolates, can cause rejoicing.

Such injustice hurts. However, it makes sense to look at it from a different point of view. “This is the same as the effect of the 'Sunday Pope' who occasionally visits a child,” notes Nifont Dolgopolov. - Father for him is a holiday, joy, and mother is his everyday life. She scolds, brings up, he can defy her, quarrel with her. But it is with those with whom we constantly communicate, with whom we sometimes even swear and with whom we get angry, that we have really deep relationships. "

There can be many reasons for the difference in behavior between adult children. Someone is trying to settle long-standing scores with their parents, if they have not been able to do this before. Someone wants to "get" the love that was not received in childhood now, when the parents are so dependent on him. Other times, behavior is dictated by duty.

And sometimes parents play on this skillfully, provoking our feelings of guilt. But not guilt, but love is the best driving force in these circumstances. After all, our goal is not to create our own “good” image, but to help our parents cope with this difficult stage in their life.

Strengthen our bond

The desire to restore relationships, pressure from family, a sense of duty or love - whatever our motives, we should not sacrifice for the sake of parents professional, personal or family life... And such excessive dedication is not so rare.

It is worth considering that prolonged stress can negatively affect our health. Psychotherapist Olivier de Ladussette notes that, for example, Alzheimer's disease in one of the elders unbalances the whole family. “And the one who helps the most suffers the most, he sometimes develops psychosomatic illnesses,” he says. - Especially it goes to daughters who are torn between work, their own family and parents.

Priorities need to be defined here. In the first place should be your own family, children. This is not about abandoning the elderly, but about accepting the help of someone close to you or professionals. "

This stage can also be an occasion to come to terms with brothers and sisters if we are able to show unity in trials.

“Old age is as much a mystery as childhood, birth or death,” reflects Ekaterina Mikhailova. - It is difficult to be privy to the secret, but how not to accept this challenge? Communication with parents in their last years is a chance to learn about yourself, something new about life and become a keeper of secrets. A chance to finally free myself from childhood fear that "mom will give up", face the eternal order of things and accept it. "

This stage can also be an occasion to come to terms with brothers and sisters if we can show unity in trials. Finally, we can change and fix something in our relationship with elders.

“Throughout our lives, my parents and I develop a certain style of relationship, which does not always make us happy,” says Nifont Dolgopolov. - But they, and we do not think much about how to fix them. And when parents reach old age, they have time to rethink our relationship. And we, in turn, get a chance.

For example, my mother was always critical of me. And there was nothing I could do about it. And after eighty she began to change, which I did not expect. I felt her support and love, which I needed, and we stopped fighting with each other. "

Victor Kagan calls this stage of our life the time of gifts. “When I sat next to my father in the ward intensive care where he spent his last month and a half, we have such a contact that we have never had! I think this is such a bitter happiness - accompanying loved ones on the path of their sunset. The main thing that they need from us is warmth, support, being close, understanding.

And this gives us a lot. We begin to feel in ourselves what we did not feel before, otherwise we understand, we open the best part myself. This is very important for our life, which will be later, after them. "

"I'm getting stronger"

Anna, 38 years old

“When my parents divorced and my dad got sick, I, on behalf of my mom, regularly brought him money, clothes and something needed for the household. Mom kept "patronage" over him, went to him - herself and alone with her new husband. Then mom passed away, stepfather passed away. And I continued to do all the same year after year, not even realizing that I care about my dad and that he depends on me.

Dad was getting old. I was becoming slower, more eccentric, and I, as a courier-supplier, brought "ration" and was annoyed that dad was "not like that." And I was "covered" only when a nurse appeared in my father's house, whom I found for him. And I saw how she looked after him - with great respect, but at the same time with courtesy, perseverance and patience - like with a child. And how he answers her.

And then I realized that getting angry, offended and upset simply does not make sense. And what is actually an adult now - me, and he needs everything that I can and can. And this is somehow correct, I myself become stronger from this. I know I could be much best parent for my dad. "