Unspoken directly. What unspoken grievances lead to. These are the typical mistakes

Negative emotions, suppressed over time, can destroy even a relationship that seemed very strong. They destroy families, lead to quarrels between lovers, colleagues, neighbors, relatives, close friends. That is why it is so important to explain what you had to be out of touch with.

Hidden grudges turn people into hidden enemies. The result is situations where the relationship simply falls apart. Moreover, people can not only part, but even cherish plans for revenge.

Unspoken grievances persist for a long time in the heart. First of all, they are dangerous because the negative accumulates, even if others do not suspect about it. It would seem that anger has long since died down, but an unpleasant aftertaste remains in my soul, which every day more and more corrodes the feeling of love, tenderness, gratitude. As a result, the person begins to get angry with his abuser. Every "wrong" word, from his point of view, can cause irritation. As a result, a person who has survived and has swallowed an offense one day breaks down and makes a scandal over a seemingly trifling occasion.

There is another, no less unpleasant scenario. Human can long time remember the insult and his claims, which he did not dare to express, even if the other participants and witnesses of the situation have long forgotten about it. If one day, in a fit of anger, he remembers this situation, the problems accumulated by both parties will turn a trifling quarrel into a real scandal that can lead to a break in relations.

How unspoken grievances affect the human psyche

By melting resentment in their hearts for a long time, people inflict pain on themselves. They think about what happened so often that it badly affects their mood. The result is irritability, unwillingness to communicate with the offender, even if the incident has long exhausted itself and no longer matters.

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for the victim of an unspoken resentment to become a person who has experienced it. This unpleasant feeling makes people doubt themselves, suffer from insecurity, and even acquire a habit of self-deprecation. So a lonely girl, taking offense at a successfully married woman, can develop in herself whole line complexes that reduce self-esteem and undermine the psyche. By talking about your feelings, you can avoid these problems.

Family conflicts are quite a paradoxical phenomenon. The paradox is that the participants in the relationship feel completely differently in them: one of the spouses considers the relationship in the family to be successful and stable, and the other feels deeply unhappy. With external well-being, a person begins to move away, close, experiencing deep dissatisfaction with his family life.

Dissatisfaction becomes a background condition

Such attitudes are more often inherent in women, although men can also experience them. A serious basis for internal conflict appears. On the one hand, it is still good, there is no reason to be sad, but on the other hand, everything is bad, everything is so bad that one gives up. It is difficult to understand itself, and even more so for a partner. After all, everything was fine, but in an instant you start thinking about divorce.

A mass of unspoken, hidden, not manifested has accumulated inside. And you try to explain something to your partner, but it comes out with difficulty. Your arguments are similar to unfounded claims, and the man begins to reproach that your brain explodes from you. That is why there is a delusion among men that it is impossible to satisfy women in principle, and no matter how hard you try, they are always not enough. And since this is impossible, you don't want to try. Hence the talk about the incomprehensible female logic... Men note this not without irony, women are even more closed in themselves.

But one day this Pandora's Box opens, and everything that has been accumulating for months and years falls out of it. All unspoken grievances, all claims.

It might look like a tsunami. A wave of destructive feelings falls on a man who, like a scalded cancer, rounds his eyes in bewilderment. It seems to him that offended woman ready for anything except adequate actions. Where does all this come from, where does such a disgrace come from?

In an avalanche of accusations, everything comes to mind: a bag of garbage that was not thrown away in the morning, an "important" date, your "regular" meetings with friends and the fact that you have not visited your parents for 3 weeks. It is impossible for a man to digest such a portion of accusations at once, and he again will note for himself that it is impossible to please you. In principle, he is not ready to return once again to the discussion of those events, the statute of limitations of which has already expired. For him, these are problems sucked from the finger, appeared from scratch and invented by you. Of many of them, he had no idea, either by hearing or by spirit, that his actions had hurt the woman. Indeed, in the present moment there is no reason for a quarrel, and if there is, then your behavior is certainly inadequate to the cause.

What actually happens to a woman?

The nature of a woman is undulating. She then balances on the rise, then falls into a blues and depression. Good news in the fact that she herself can lift herself to the crest of a wave. The bad news is that when she gets to the bottom of her emotions, she will add past disappointments and resentments to her current difficulties.

In addition, in women special relationship with time. Men are guided in time by the concepts of "long ago", "recently" and "now". This gradation of time extends to the sphere of personal relationships, since in business and business men perfectly master various techniques time management and operate with masterly dexterity. Women, on the other hand, always know exactly when the child visited the dentist last time, when the child had its first tooth, when you had the first date, and what she was wearing.

If something is repeated more than two times, it automatically becomes "permanent". That is, if a man in the recent past was delayed several times from work or met with friends, he will hear the accusation that he does it all the time. By the way, this also explains the desire to regularly update the wardrobe - you don't want to "constantly" wear the same one.

The wave-like behavior of a woman is also explained by the fact that on female nature and its energy is influenced by the Moon. And, as you know, the position of the Moon relative to the Earth creates such natural phenomena as ebb and flow in the seas and oceans. So u female behavior there are quite natural reasons.

An insignificant quarrel that has developed into a grandiose scandal indicates that one or both partners have an internal conflict. It is caused by a mismatch between expectations and current reality. These expectations can accumulate inside for a long time, provoking the very dissatisfaction against the background of external well-being, which I spoke about at the beginning of the article. Like a dormant volcano: until a certain time it is absolutely safe, but as soon as it wakes up, a catastrophe is inevitable. God forbid, if there are no sacrifices. Negative emotions can accumulate for years, but inevitably and often unexpectedly make themselves felt.

The 90/10 principle

You can understand the depth of their action using the 90/10 principle. What does this principle tell us?

When we feel resentful, upset about something, constantly replay in our head worn-out record negative thoughts, then 90% of these experiences are associated with past experience and only 10% - with the current situation. In other words: 10% is what objectively takes place and 90% are our thoughts about what is happening. This principle is universal for both men and women.

If we take into account the wavelike nature of women's behavior and the 90/10 principle, then we can agree with the French proverb - out of nothing real woman can do three things: salad, hat and scandal. This, of course, is humor, but in every joke there is only a grain of humor, everything else is true.

It doesn't matter at all who is the first to explode and begin to sort things out. It is important for this to happen. Unspoken grievances are like festering wounds on your family's body. Any doctor will confirm: if pus comes out, it is good; if inside it is an infection. Conflict should not be perceived as bad by definition. Look at them through the lens of developing and saving your relationship.

Of course, there are difficult cases when conflicts are a way of emotional entertainment, but now not about these couples. I'm talking about mature relationship and conflicts as a way to reveal inner pain.

Grievances expressed at the wrong time now will serve as a pretext for conflicts in the future. Sooner or later, the abscess will burst through. One consolation: if we suddenly fall under the grip of our negative emotions and unspoken grievances, we can quickly get rid of them. And conflicts help us in this. It is only important to observe safety precautions when carrying out them. How to do it?

Discard blaming and complaining about your offenders

Let them write the book of life, but nobody took the opportunity to continue the story of your life and finish it with a happy end. No one is to blame for the fact that you have accumulated the wrong thing in your emotional memory. Remember: only 10% of your state related to the situation, the rest is your attitude to it. If you still want to find the culprit in your misfortunes, go to the mirror and get to know him. This rule should be extended not only to past offenders, but also to present and future ones.

Take time out

At least an hour. Ideally for 24 hours.

To cope with the surging negativity, you must first of all distance yourself from the object of your aggression. Physically distance yourself: go to another room, go outside. Alone with yourself, try to get to the core of your emotions. Do not drive them away, do not try to force them out of your consciousness. The suppressed emotion does not disappear anywhere; it will go to the margins of your emotional memory and, in a similar situation, will again make itself felt. Observe emotions, treat them like guests in your home: you accept them and calmly let them go. This is called being aware.

Manage your emotions, ask yourself.

• What am I feeling right now?
• Why am I feeling this? What triggers this feeling in me?
• Was it the situation or my attitude to the situation that triggered a flash of anger in me?
• Does my partner have anything to do with my reaction?
• What price will I have to pay if I keep silent about my emotions now and ignore this situation?
• What price will I have to pay if I openly express all my emotions? No one can offend you without your consent.

Event plus response equals result

You and only you decide what to do. At any life situation- only you decide what to feel, what to feel, think and do. Do not try to justify your actions and decisions with the behavior of another person. It would seem that everything is simple, but no. “You make me feel bad. You are to blame for my mood ”- this is how most conflicts begin. But our reaction is free choice. The Lord rewarded a person with free will, but a person still tries to blame his reactions on someone else: on a husband, wife, children, God, etc.

Take the following phrase as a rule: I decide.

Tell me about your feelings

If, having freed yourself from your projections, past grievances, having paused, you have something to say to your partner and your reaction is 100% of the present moment - tell about your feelings. If you have something to say - tell me. Don't see it as a conflict. What you want to see is what you see.

Warn your partner that you don't want to blame him or hurt his feelings. You just want to say how YOU feel about the situation. Tell us why you feel this so that your words are not perceived as pretensions and excessive emotionality. And be sure to tell me what you want for the future and why it is important to you.

At this point, it is important to remind yourself for what purpose you came into this relationship. Most likely, you wanted care, love, mutual respect. With this in mind, you will try to talk about your feelings without pretensions or direct accusations. Attacking with a checker, it is unlikely that you will be able to get everything you want from a relationship. Chances are, your attack will meet equally emotional resistance.

Being in a relationship, we are driven into the trap of our own beliefs, requirements, projections, rules of who and what should do, completely forgetting about the Personality that is in front of him, but which we do not see at close range. We put the stamps "husband", "wife", endow them with a list of responsibilities and character traits. We look at each other and, apart from our own stamp, we see nothing.

When expressing your feelings, learn to look not at stamping, but at a unique person, with your inner peace, childhood memories, beliefs and trauma. Before you is not a "husband" or "wife" - in front of you is a unique person. Realize that there is no such second person, there has not been and will never be again.

You will learn how to influence your environment and learn virtuoso communication at the online training by Itzhak Pintosevich "". Register now!

Ask a psychologist

Hello, I'm 27, with my boyfriend we are the same age. We don't live together. Not married. I am such a person that if something does not suit me, or is ripe important question, or business, I need to decide and discuss. Come to a common denominator. And my young man, calls it scandals, sawing, "the same thing" and is silent, but he does nothing or does everything "quietly". So any-claim can be called a "scandal", a girl-"hysterical" -and to be inactive. I will notice that I do not shout, I do not raise my voice. My question is how to correctly convey claims and requests to men so that they do not hear in this “sawing. Ask once and wait? Remind? Do it all yourself? Are there any general rules?

Psychologists' Answers

Marina, good evening!

So, if the behavior of your man does not suit you in some way, you need to tell him about it.
Do not hide your discontent in any way. remember, that negative emotions that do not find a way out, harm not only health, but also not the best way are reflected in the relationship. So talk about your dissatisfaction, but do it right.

Whenever you criticize your man in this form, you kind of let him know that he does not suit you, that he is not what you want him to be. And what does a man feel at these moments? He either wants to answer you in kind (that is, be rude), or leave (someone goes into himself, and someone ...).

Remember how you usually do it? If a man has not washed, for example, the dishes, what does he hear from you in his address? As a rule, the reproach is: "You didn't wash the dishes again!" And if he does not agree with your opinion, then criticism falls on him: "You are always so stubborn!" Well, if it is not the first time that he does not fulfill his promise, then an avalanche of indignation may fall on him at all. And after this, you expect that the man will change and will finally please you ?! Whatever it is!

I advise you to talk with your man about what does not suit you, while being gentle, and in the conversation, adhere to the following sequence:
1. Describe the situations in which you have dissatisfaction;
2. tell about the feelings that arise in this case;
3. Tell me how you would like it to become.

If a man doesn’t wash the dishes, tell him, for example, the following: “I constantly ask you to wash the dishes, but you don’t. It makes me angry. You don’t want me to become "angry" and my skin on my hands is not as tender as it is now? .. Let's agree to wash the dishes in turn, okay? " And if he does not keep his promise, then you can tell him about it like this: “When you tell me that tomorrow evening we will go to the cinema, I take it as a promise and expect that it will be so. And when you have to stay late at work and come late, I get very upset. Please tell me in advance that you are failing. Deal?".

Talking to a man in this way, you focus not on his personality, but on his behavior, thereby making it clear that you love him, and as a person, he completely suits you.
Try to apply these tips in practice and the result will not be long in coming! Good luck, Marina !!!

Brodovskaya Natalya Nikolaevna, psychologist, Novorossiysk

Good answer 4 Bad answer 0

Hello Marina!

Resistance always rises to expressing claims from another person, and he no longer hears you. Avoid making claims, even in a calm manner. Speak in the format of "me-messages" and only about your feelings. It is necessary to talk about feelings so that the partner understands what is happening to you, and not in order to change him, otherwise it will be felt. as manipulation, sawing and removal of the brain.

After talking about your feelings, let your partner decide how best to act in the situation. Remove expectations and replace them with the belief that he loves you and also wants everything to be good with you. Nobody comes into this world to meet your expectations. Read my article I hope you find it useful.

it general recommendations, but in practice it is not always easy to apply them. Sometimes, for example, it may seem to you that you are asking, but, in fact, you are demanding. So that you can feel all these moments, it is better to analyze them in specific situations, and this requires a personal meeting. If you need help, please contact.

Marina Stolyarova, consultant psychologist, St. Petersburg

Good answer 3 Bad answer 0

Hello Marina. You chose a man who was brought up in the opposite way as a child. His mother raised him by the method of some control from afar. He was often abandoned and isolated from mother's emotions and heart-to-heart conversations. Therefore, he does not know what it is to live in harmony. with each other. He did not live in harmony with his mother. Each of them was on his own. Therefore, in this sense, he is a Martian. Never expect from him what you can. He does not know how to empathize and accept mistakes. But, he knows how to be afraid of his mother from childhood. Therefore, you can only negotiate with him by the method of decisive behavior. For example, do not feed, do not wash, do not sleep, do not respect, go to a friend in the evening, not saying where they went. Only when he sees himself abandoned (as in childhood) he will begin to show interest in you. Probably not forever, but for a while. But only through behavior, and not through words, you can negotiate with him. If you cope with this, then some understanding will come.

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychotherapist-psychoanalyst Volgograd

Good answer 6 Bad answer 1

Dautlyn avatar

Help! The task of how to write NOT merged or separately

Words: (un) rebuilt house, not) successful student, (un) noticed mistake by me, (un) tired worker, completely (un) invented solution, (un) inhabited house, (un) blossoming bud, (not) admitting to a predator, (not) inflected nouns, (not) solved mystery, truth (not) clarified, crickets (not) quietening until night, (not) frozen, but still smoking wormwood, (not) protected from the sun, by nothing (un) broken silence, reasons (not) disclosed, (un) heard phrase, (not) explicitly stated claim.

1 with short participle

2 with a participle that has dependent words

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3 with opposition

4 with all other uses of participles

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Dautlyn 11/27/2014

Answers and explanations

• aniblod
• middling

NOT A DEVELOPED HOUSE, NOT A SUCCESSFUL PERSON

• Comments (1)
• Flag violation

• Tanechka42002
• good

Not a rebuilt house, an unsuccessful student, a mistake I did not notice, a tireless worker, a completely unreceived solution, an unoccupied house, an unblown bud that does not allow a predator to approach, unsolved nouns, an unsolved mystery, the truth is not clarified, crickets that do not stop until nighttime, not frozen , a still a smoking wormwood, a place not protected from the sun, unbroken silence, reasons not revealed, an overheard phrase, an unspoken claim.

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Linguistic game to distinguish between particles NOT and NOR

Description of the presentation for individual slides:

In which sentence NOT with the word is written SEPARATE? 1) He lacks experience and (lacks) patience. 2) Our country is (not) dependent. 3) He was somehow immediately (not) loved. 4) We stopped at a site that was by no means (not) suitable for construction.

4) We stopped at a site that was by no means suitable for construction.

In which sentence NOT with a word is spelled separately? 1) It so happened that I (not) had anyone to tell about my doubts. 2) At first, everyone was silent, pondering how to start a conversation in such an (un) familiar environment. 3) The room was (not) lit, so it was difficult to distinguish the faces of the people sitting opposite. 4) But they say you are (not) human: in the wilderness, in the village, everything is boring for you.

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3) The room was not lit, so it was difficult to distinguish the faces of the people sitting opposite.

1. In which sentence NOT with a word is written separately? 1) We (had no) where to even lay out our documents on a table heaped with books. 2) It was quiet, (not) hot and boring, as it happens on gray cloudy days. 3) The kitchen window was (not) curtained. 4) (Un) earnest, breaking barks filled the garden.

Correct answer: 3 (not curtained - short participle)

2. In which sentence NOT with a word is written separately? 1) (Despite) the complexity of the topic being studied, we will try to understand it as best we can. 2) Today his words sounded (not) warm and affectionate, as before, but cold and somehow aloof. 3) His eyes looked straight and (not) movable. 4) (Not) he loved his fellow countryman from a young age for his luck.

Correct answer: 2 (not warm, but cold)

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3. In which sentence NOT with a word is written separately? 1) The rain poured down on us (not) in a tame stream. 2) Our attention was attracted by the (not) tall slender larch. 3) The rain continued, but (not) strong, as in the morning, but weak, drizzling. 4) In silence, good should be done, but (not) what to interpret about it.

Correct answer: 3 (not strong, but weak)

4. In which sentence NOT with a word is written separately? 1) I was attracted by (un) explored corners of the earth. 2) Announced a (not) long lunch break. 3) Consideration of the case is (not) completed. 4) It turned out that there was (no) someone to entrust such a difficult task.

Correct answer: 3 (not completed - short participle)

5. In which sentence NOT with a word is written separately? 1) An (un) common occurrence caught our attention. 2). This person is (not) unimaginative. 3) I remembered his (not) pondering look for a long time. 4) I graduated from the course (not) who Izotov.

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Correct answer: 2 (not without - short participle)

6. In which sentence NOT with a word is written separately? 1) (Not) where to place the new furniture. 2) (Not) far from the village there is a camp of campers. 3) A strip of land (not) surmountable for fire separated the steppe from the fire. 4) The tasks set before us were (not) solved.

Correct answer: 4 (not resolved - short participle)

7. In which sentence NOT with a word is spelled separately? 1) In the meadow, the grass is (not) mown. 2) We heard (not) loud whispers coming from the next room. 3) In his head was born (not) anything new. 4) Take this song, (not) gray-haired, in your backpacks, let the fair wind blow it around the world.

Correct answer: 1 (not oblique - short participle)

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8. In which sentence NOT with a word is spelled separately? 1) A boat that has clung to the shore is (not) unsteadily on the water. 2) I (not) have anyone to ask for help. 3) This problem is (not) studied. 4) The (not) pleasant meeting with this person saddened me.

Correct answer: 3 (not studied - short participle)

9. In which sentence NOT with a word is spelled separately? 1) (Without) thinking, he looked at the interlocutor. 2) The (un) surmountable desire to see his relatives made Shirokov immediately set off on his way back. 3) The reasons for the migration of birds from these areas are still (not) studied. 4) Through the dense fog, the (not) bright light of the lanterns made its way.

Correct answer: 3 (not studied - short participle)

10. In which sentence NOT with a word is spelled separately? 1) The forest bells (not) that had time to bloom faded. 2) I saw a (not) brother-like gray-haired man. 3) In games Seryozha turned out to be very (not) dexterous. 4) (Without) thinking, the boy looked closely at his father.

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Correct answer: 1 (those who did not have time to bloom - the participle has a dependent word)

11. In which sentence NOT with a word is spelled separately? 1) The hero, (not) seeing slavery, tries to change the relationship between people. 2) A (not) clear rule is difficult for us to remember. 3) Remnants of (un) melted snow are still visible. 4) In the same way, the inspector who appeared on the scene worries all the inhabitants.

Correct answer: 4 (not appearing on the scene - the participle has a dependent word)

12. In which sentence NOT with a word is spelled separately? 1) The areas (not) explored by geologists are very promising. 2) At the exhibition, Zverev showed (not) watercolors similar to his previous works. 3) Before us lay (not) wide road. 4) Vasiliev (not) looked at the old man with satisfaction.

Correct answer: 1 (not investigated by geologists - the participle has a dependent word)

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13. In which sentence NOT with a word is written together? 1) The desired book has been (not) read. 2) Klementyev left after (not) answering our questions. 3) The hero turns out to be an instrument of (not) understood by him power and dies. 4) The (un) expressed reproach shone in the eyes of Sofya Nikolaevna.

Correct answer: 4 (unspoken - full participle without dependent words and opposition with the union A)

14. In which sentence NOT with a word is written together? 1) The director's (not) explicit claims worried Kira. 2) The company (not) familiar to us turned out to be very pleasant. 3) The sister reported far (not) good news. 4) Tourists fell asleep, (not) waiting for dinner.

Correct answer: 2 (unfamiliar is a full adjective, there is no opposition with the conjunction A)

15. Which sentence NOT with a word is spelled separately? 1) Whales often ingest objects that are clearly (not) serving as food for them. 2) I settled in a (not) large, bright room. 3) The enemy experienced (not) a little that day. 4) The climber is attracted by (un) conquered peaks.

Correct answer: 1 (non-employees - participle, has dependent words)

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16. In which sentence NOT with a word is written separately? 1) The sun, still (not) visible to the eye, spreads a fan of pink rays across the sky. 2) A yellowish haze, (not) like dust, rose in the east. 3) Valentine walked (not) hastily, but decisively. 4) Adverbs are (non) mutable words.

Correct answer: 1 (not visible to the eye - the participle has a dependent word)

17. In which sentence NOT with a word is written together? 1) (Not) wanting to frighten off his joyful state, Ivanov quietly got out of the car. 2) Having got used to people, beavers (were not) afraid to go out of their huts during the day. 3) (Un) cleared rocky paths took rare visitors into the depths of the park. 4) The house stood in the middle of the steppe, (not) fenced in.

Correct answer: 3 (uncleared - full participle without dependent words)

19. In which sentence NOT with a word is written together? 1) (Despite) deep autumn, the days were warm and clear. 2) Were you (not) bored? 3) Oblomov is a child, but (not) an immoral egoist. 4) The bridge is (not) built yet.

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Correct answer: 1 (despite - preposition)

24. In which sentence NOT with a word is written together? 1) There is no one to know how to find this house. 2) There was (not) anyone to help Masha in trouble. 3) (Not) everyone can solve the problem in this way. 4) Kostya was (not) very happy with our visit.

Correct answer: 2 (no one - a pronoun without a preposition)

25. In which sentence NOT with a word is written separately? 1) The sailor (not) slowly reported a suspicious noise to the commander. 2) I was taken to a (not) large, comfortable room with a fireplace. 3) Small (un) painted houses are neatly located on both sides of the street. 4) The dog, (not) wanting to betray his fear, barked loudly.

Correct answer: 4 (not wanting - gerunds)

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• 02.10.2016

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FREEDOM TO CLAIM AND OFFENSE

FREEDOM TO CLAIM AND OFFENSE

Claims destroy relationships. Complaints to other people are our chains, ropes, lack of freedom from them.

Claims block money.

Claims ruin careers and achievements.

Claims literally burn out a person from the inside: they deprive creative energy, love for yourself and others.

Imagine that the universe is like the sun. The sun shines all the time, pouring out its life-giving energy on us in an inexhaustible stream. We feel the action of the sun when we face it, but if we turn away, we will no longer receive its life-giving rays.

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The universe works the same way as the sun. She is always here and always available, pouring out grace on us. When we have complaints, complain, blame, criticize, feel resentment (everyone owes me) and irritation, jealousy or any other negative emotion, we turn away from all the best.

Claims are a hole in our vessel through which our energy comes out.

Our task is to realize and heal in ourselves that part that is hidden behind claims and demands.

My boss is greedy - he pays me little;

My friend is a slob, she doesn't know how to dress ...;

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My husband earns little;

I have terrible legs, figure, clothes ...

Claims cannot be listed, there are millions of them on any topic and with varying degrees negativism towards another person. The most common objects of our claims:

Other systems and ecgregors

Peace, Universe, God, destiny ...

Make a list of those who have wronged you - those you need to forgive. Start with your parents, siblings, children and spouse, friends, lovers, cat and dog, government and God.

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State your grievance or grievance. Put the person in front of you and tell him what you want. "You offended me that ..." "You betrayed me when ..." "You deceived me" "You did not fulfill" "You disappointed" ...

Feel where your resentment lives in your body? Claim?

Expression of claims is always emotionally colored: anger, irritation, resentment, disappointment, hatred, powerlessness, etc.

As you know, offense is a state of our soul. The soul is the well from which we drink. What source of thirst quenching do we offer ourselves and others? Take care of your vault, your source of life. We need to forgive everyone who hurt us, even if it seems that what they have done is impossible to forgive. Forgive them, not because they deserve to be forgiven, but because you don’t want to suffer anymore and endure this pain every time you remember how you were treated.

Resentment is pure poison that poisons ourselves. But… “Forgive others: easy to say! I would be glad, but it doesn’t work ”. We have hundreds of reasons and excuses for what we cannot forgive. But this is not true. The truth is, we are used to not forgiving. We mastered only the skill of unforgiveness: “Don't cry. Do not be afraid. Do not ask".

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Forgiveness is an impenetrable jungle for those of us who yearn for justice. The very idea that someone will go away unpunished after everything they've done is painful. Forgiveness seems like a betrayal of oneself.

But forgiveness does not correct or change anything. This is not an eraser that will erase everything that happened to you. It will not undo the pain you have lived with, nor will it provide you with instant peace. Forgiveness means giving up hope for a different past. That is, the understanding that everything is over, the dust has settled and the destroyed will never be restored to its original form. It is a recognition that no amount of magic can make amends. Yes, the hurricane was unfair, but you still have to live in your ruined city. And no anger will lift him from the ruins. You will have to do it yourself. Forgiveness means taking personal responsibility - not for destruction, but for restoration. It's a decision to take back your peace of mind. Forgiveness does not mean that the guilt of your wrongdoers is atonement. It does not mean that you should be friends with them, sympathize with them. You just accept that they left a mark on you and now you have to live with this mark. You will stop waiting for the person who broke you to return everything “as it was”. You will begin to heal wounds, regardless of whether scars remain. It's a decision to move on with your scars. Forgiveness is not a celebration of injustice. It's about creating your own justice, your own karma and destiny. It's about getting back on your feet with the decision not to be unhappy with the past. Forgiveness is understanding that your scars will not shape your future. Forgiveness doesn't mean you give up. It means that you are ready to gather strength and move on.

Resentment is a wrongly lived experience ...

(how did they arise and what functions do they perform)

The claims mechanism simplifies a lot. I am good - they are bad. So let them change. If they do not, I will be offended ... But if you take offense for a long time and for a lot, then after a while you can find yourself beautiful, living in a bad and offensive world among bad people... And if you do not take offense, then questions will arise mostly to yourself. And then you can feel yourself not the smartest, not the most right and not the most beautiful in the world, but at the same time live among good people and in not the worst of the worlds. And then the focus of our attention turns to ourselves, to ourselves. We become sincere about ourselves.

Free legal advice:

I CREATED IT BY MYSELF! (for example, excess weight). I can’t, I don’t know how, I didn’t teach - this is the point of choice.

Being responsible means recognizing that you are the cause or source of something (for example, your problems). For example, taking responsibility for your life means that you acknowledge that whatever decisions you made or didn't make have brought you exactly where you are now. This means that the key to fixing the problem lies in changing some aspect of your personality. You must realize that you need to change something within yourself, and this, in turn, will change the external problem.

Not "I was deceived," but "I allowed myself to be deceived, I did not figure it out properly." Not “I was provoked”, but “I allowed myself to be provoked” or “succumbed to the provocation”. Not "I was pissed off," but "I was pissed off." Not "I am being used", but "I allow myself to be used" ...

Don't say, "I am unhappy in love." Say: "I cannot interest a loved one."

Don't say, "They push me all the time." Say: "I allow myself to be ignored."

Free legal advice:

Don't say, "I'm unlucky." Say: "I made a mistake - and you need to understand which one."

Don't say, "This is an unsolvable problem." Say: "This is a problem with which it is more convenient for me to live than without it."

Don't say, "I am alien to this disgusting world." Say: "Life in this world requires strength and skills that I do not have yet."

I did it all to myself. All my troubles, failures, misfortunes are mine own choice, either created now, or made sometime in the past. And only I myself can change everything.

I am the master of my feelings. Nobody can make me feel anything. My feelings are a reflection of how I see the situation.

I am responsible for moving away from what hurts me. I am responsible for protecting myself from those who harm me. I am responsible for paying attention to what is happening to me and assessing my share of what is happening.

There is no betrayal. And there is only the belief that you have been betrayed, shifting responsibility from yourself to the outside.

As long as we depend on others, we are powerless to improve the situation.

HOW DID I CREATE IT? (cause -> effect) In the Universe, everything is closely interconnected and nothing accidental can appear on our way. Everything that happens to us has a reason. To understand it, you need to ask yourself questions:

What actions or inactions have led me to the problem?

What kind hidden reasons the same patterns of behavior are constantly reproduced in me, they are forced to step on the same rake.

WHY DID I CREATE THIS? (What is the meaning for me, lesson, experience, benefit? What aspect of myself should I still realize, heal through this experience?).

“God allows our trials for something. If He does not change our circumstances, then He wants to change us! " (Bert Helinger)

We ourselves turn our lives into drama and tragedy. We benefit from the role of a victim, a sufferer!

- this is easy way to get something, a kind of manipulation (- Resentment is generated to create a feeling of guilt in others (not always even in the offender). clear purpose- extortion. "You (all of you) are to blame (s) in front of me. You (you) must atone for your guilt. And I will choose the method of atonement!" Moreover, I still will not say exactly what I want to receive (often just like that) - so your redemption will end only when I decide that I have received (a) enough. True, wrong atonement multiplies resentment; so that you crawl in redemption before me forever.);

- it can be a source of development or growth, some kind of motivator, etc. My example: when I did not have enough energy to go towards my goals, I created situations when I was offended. And then it was the resentment that gave me the energy to achieve the goal, grow, develop. This is the kind of fuel I used to fill my car (body, body). And I wondered why goal achieved(admission to Moscow State University, defended dissertation, sought-after harmony) did not give me joy, but brought only devastation and powerlessness ....

Personal boundaries are the ability to say no and hear no in return. This is an attempt to restore justice based on self-righteousness.

When are we especially offended? - When you give more than you receive, there are always complaints about the person with whom an unequal take-and-give exchange is established. This is especially characteristic of women - to sacrifice themselves and adapt to the desires and needs of the partner. But at some point, a claim arises as an overcorrection - and the woman issues an invoice and demands payment or leaves her partner (children, colleagues, friends) offended: “I have nothing more to give you - you did not appreciate me ...”. She feels injustice: she gave and gave, and what in return?

Many of us first betray ourselves, and then we take offense and take revenge on those who do the same to us. (does not respect our lies, betrays, disappoints). Life in constant betrayal of one's needs, dreams, needs gives rise to claims, resentment, irritation, resentment towards others or, even stronger, self-hatred (for not being able to say no).

An example, as Joy Gray writes with his bestseller "Man from Mars, Women from Venus", if a man, seeing his partner upset because of his intention to hide in a cave and feeling guilty for this, changes his nature - he will stay outside and try to console his beloved (when he himself feels bad), he becomes either irritable, overly touchy, demanding, with a lot of pretensions, or passive, weak, lying ... And neither he nor his partner realize what made him that way.

In fact, it is a refusal to defend one's own own dignity, needs, space. Which also corrupts those who are with us!

Only by respecting yourself can you earn the respect of others. Only by respecting your lies can you treat other people's lies with respect and awe.

1) Recognize ourselves as the author of our unhealthy lies. We take 100% responsibility for how we ourselves treat them. We do not choose to suffer, take offense, blame ourselves or others for the fact that we ourselves cannot say no. Let's be honest with ourselves. A person who loves himself respects his personality, respects his personal boundaries, desires and needs. He respects in himself the freedom to make his own decisions, the freedom to live the way he wants. And so - and others!

2) It is we who set the boundaries of our own donation. It is important that it does not develop into sacrifice and self-denial. The way out is simple: give as much as you do not mind and with clear awareness- why are you doing this. Give not for thanks, but simply because there is and it is not a pity. It is important for a woman to clearly define the boundaries of what she is ready to give to her partner without feeling irritated and resentful: “I am not doing anything for the sake of another and therefore he does not owe me anything. He does nothing for me and therefore I do not owe him anything. We just do some things together. And we are glad about it. "

When we stop sacrificing ourselves, trying to become comfortable, needed good for others, we stop demanding it from others!

I let my heart guide me, and when I give with joy and with all my heart, without any expectations or qualifications, I know it is appropriate. But if I have doubts, hesitation or resentment, then I understand that it will not be appropriate.

For people who hate loved ones, the function of respect absolutely does not work, this muscle is not formed, since respect is the ability to divide boundaries, recognize another person as a separate creature and at the same time maintain goodwill towards him. A person who knows how to respect does not hate anyone, does not feel resentment, envy, painful emotions, because all these negative emotions require high energy costs. If a person knows how to separate his boundaries, he can do without long-term negative emotions. But if he doesn’t know how, he has no choice but to rage and hate. Such a person knows only two states: He = I and then passionately loves, "gives himself up" or tries to absorb himself, merge, and He = Other, that is, an enemy, a dangerous creature, in best case requiring alertness, but if this hostile creature is nearby (it was a spouse, was a parent) it is doubly dangerous and it would be better to destroy it. That is why with people who feel hatred and painful resentment towards their ex-wives or parents better keep your distance arm outstretched, especially not getting close. While you are a stranger, they treat you wary, but almost indifferent, they can even imitate courtesy, but as soon as you become close, you can only be in two guises: "half" or "traitor." No others.

What is respect and goodwill towards people based on?

First, the I knows how to divide boundaries, that is, it recognizes that the second person does not obey him in any way, does not fall under his control, is on his own, has a separate will and view of the world.

Secondly, I am not afraid of such a separate person, does not despise, does not see an enemy in him, can treat him favorably and not wait for an attack, look from the outside and enjoy his separate being.

People who do not know how to respect others are incapable of treating someone else as a potential friend. A friend for them is one who enters into a close circle of I, is a part of themselves. All others are enemies. That is, for such a person there is only a good self, and bad not-me... It goes without saying that someone who entered the circle of I (parent, wife) and then left it, became the main enemy, because he took with him a lot of personal, that is, a person is especially vulnerable and open to him. He literally robbed me and ravaged me.

Is it possible to remain forever in the circle of I of such a person? That is, never to become a traitor, an enemy, always enjoy his love? This is theoretically possible, but requires special behavior... In order for a person, whose love is associated with appropriation, to "love" you always, you must never oppose your I to his I, you must never create a conflict. You must meet his expectations, and the expectations of such a person are very contradictory and almost always arbitrary. Due to the fact that his personality has not matured (and the "I-Enemies" system is an infantile construction, a field of subject-subject relations, an "adult-adult", a field of benevolent respect appears in the adult construction) such a person has a lot of neurotic complexes , complex affects, phobias and dissonances, and all this will pour out into the "half". In order to remain a half and never cause hatred and panic (guard, I warmed the snake on my chest!) She will have to be a bottomless barrel of love, and a capricious despot will spit into this barrel from time to time to make sure that this is his barrel, and not a stranger (if a stranger needs to be destroyed). Will the barrel receive gratitude? Of course not. To thank someone for love, a person must be able to divide boundaries and feel that the other is on his own, separately, and his love is an act of goodwill, a gift. If you are his property, your love belongs to him anyway. And by denying love, you are taking away his thing. Therefore, you will never receive any gratitude, you will have to be content with the happiness of being one with him.

Parents can be infantile, consider the child as their part, adore him passionately or hate him just as passionately for betrayal (like all infantiles), and the child at the same time can be an adult and treat his parents with respect, that is, see them as separate people and look to them favorably. Benevolently does not mean obeying them and fulfilling their whims. On the contrary, it is impossible to be respectful and benevolent and at the same time feel like a weak-willed thing. These are exactly the opposite processes. Respectfully and benevolently means wishing people well and understanding their sovereignty, their separateness. And this ability does not depend on how the parents relate. It does not depend at all on how you are treated. It depends only on your level of maturation and the ability to feel your own subjectivity.

A full-fledged sense of oneself as a subject assumes that a person also sees other people as subjects. One cannot exist without the other. It is not true that a person can regard himself as a subject and other people as objects. It doesn't work that way. A person who considers others to be his parts and tools is not fully aware of his subjectivity, does not feel boundaries, does not understand where it ends, where it begins, where is his field of control, where is his I. Such a person can be egocentric and most often happens, however, egocentrism and subjectivity are not only unequal, but also incompatible concepts. The egocentric considers the whole world to be himself, a person with conscious subjectivity is aware of the boundaries between himself and the world. If the egocentric suddenly realizes the boundaries, he will be forced to either stop being egocentric and start exchanging with this world, or he will suffocate and die in the confinement of his boundaries, ceasing to use the world as a submissive body to a nursing mother. A simple example is someone else's refrigerator. While a person considers the refrigerator to be his own, he calmly takes food from it and does not steam, but if he realizes that the refrigerator is someone else's in the full sense of the word, he will be forced to either starve or start offering the owner of the refrigerator something in exchange. That is why there are no egocentrics with boundaries of subjectivity. One excludes the other.

What is so dangerous about people who are offended by their parents? What if their parents are really cruel egoists? Of course, this can be and often does. However, no parental behavior can lead to permanent resentment towards them (a situational emotion may be constant feeling no) and even more so to hate them, if a person really shares boundaries with them and does not believe that parents are part of him. If he understands that they are other people, not he, not his servants, not his body organs, not the placenta, which should feed him, he can analyze their wrong actions, but not experience negative affect. This point is very difficult to understand for those who do not have the practice of dividing boundaries, but it is obvious to all those who are already aware of their subjectivity at least to some extent.

Can a person not share his boundaries with his parents, hate them and take offense at them, but at the same time be able to share boundaries in communication with others, that is, respect others and treat them favorably? No, It is Immpossible. The ability to divide boundaries is a common skill. As a person who can speak does not lose this ability, so a person who knows how to divide boundaries does it with any people. Being able to separate doesn't mean keeping your distance. Vice versa. This means reaching any degree of intimacy, even complete merging at some moments, but in the case of negative and unwanted contact, quickly and calmly separate these boundaries. Why do such people never experience hate and strong resentment? Such emotions are very energy intensive, destructive, stressful. The body would get rid of these emotions, itself, without any knowledge of the person, if there was an instrument for this in his personality. But if a person is at such a stage of maturation that for now he only knows how to merge and hate, the body goes to hate, if the merger is dangerous. That is, having discovered harm from a close person, the brain begins to hate it, in order to prevent further fusion and use. Note that people who hate (whoever they hate) always say that hate is the only remedy. If they had a better remedy, they would not have plunged themselves into the stress of hate.

The best defense is subjectivity and separation of boundaries. After that, a sympathetic attitude is possible. This is the most energetically comfortable, economical and productive state. Having learned to live in this state, a person will never change it for another, just as a rare person will change his comfortable, large, with good ventilation and light, dwelling for a small stuffy and damp hole.

That is why, if you hear curses from a person in the direction of someone (and this is not a temporary affect from overwork or conflict, but a stable perception of the world) and especially in the direction of his loved ones (former and even more present, that is, parents and children) you can be sure that you are dealing with a person who has not yet developed the boundaries of subjectivity. Such a person has the opportunity to develop and become an adult person, but until he has become one, keep a certain caution in communicating with him, as if you were dealing with a person who cannot be relied upon, who at any moment may see you as a fierce enemy or your personal property.

You may have forgotten that the other person is different!

You merged with him into a single whole and began to identify him with yourself. Therefore, any behavior that deviates from yours feels like foreign.

“How could he do that, because I don’t do that!” "He was jinxed, bewitched ..."

The mental pain at this moment is hellish! After all, if you walk with a person along the road of life, holding your hand, then if you open your palms, there may be a burn, but not fatal. It will hurt, hurt and heal. And you can again look for a life partner. And if they merged? That feeling is as if you were skinned alive. Such a wound does not heal for a lifetime. It is impossible to find yourself in a new relationship. Where can one find new skin among strangers?

Only an egocentric interprets the actions of another person as meanness.

Why did you decide that human behavior is directly related to you? I assure you, he is not thinking about you at this moment! He thinks ABOUT HIMSELF - about his problems, acts in his own interests. He has no intention of hurting or betraying. A person makes a decision that is most beneficial for him.

Remember what boundaries have been set in our relationship with those with whom we are offended. What we agreed with this person, and what we did not. For example, honestly conduct something like this internal dialogue: - Did Petya promise to call me today? - did I ask him about it?

A. If there were agreements, there is no need to hush up the insult, sulk, avoid contact, etc. Resentment from this will not go anywhere, but on the contrary, it will pull even more vital energy... And the relationship with others from such an approach is more likely to turn into a swamp. The best way is to communicate your feelings and let the other person make their own choices. You need to declare yourself, and this statement is not always soft, it can be quite environmentally friendly, but tough, and maybe more aggressive depending on how much our boundaries in relationships have been violated. Give in a timely manner feedback about what's going on and set boundaries so that they meet our needs.

B. If in the process of an internal survey it turns out that there were no agreements, then you need to act differently. Find out why I am waiting for what I was not promised. This is a big inner work, primarily because it requires the realization that relationships are not built with a real person, and with a certain internally... And the real Petya serves only as a screen for the projection of this image, provides this image with life. Sometimes, in order for such an insult to dissolve, it is enough to realize that it turns out that Petya did not promise anything. The only way out in this situation is to build relationships with the real Petya, see his real one and tell him about your desires, find mutual language... Then the relationship will be possible. As long as we build a relationship with the image in the head, nothing good will come of such a relationship. It is important to understand that there is no one to be offended, and to direct energy to studying your desires and building relationships with a real person.

And then the unspoken request becomes a demand to pay off the debt and restore the violated fairness of the exchange.

"The house is always such a mess!" = "Please help me clean up!"

"Do not you love me anymore!" = “Today I feel bad. I feel very insecure. Please tell me or show me that you love me! "

1) This is a feature of women - to give (anticipating the needs of a partner) before losing their pulse, and when there is nothing more to give, bill and demand from the partner that he himself guess what they need (where is my fur coat? Diamonds?). But men, unlike women, make an effort when asked.

“Why should I ask him for something? After everything I've done for him? " But to make claims to another for the fact that he does not guess our desires is an empty matter. A woman must learn that the fulfillment of her desires is the sphere of her responsibility.

Another person is not turned away by the very fact of our need, which we ask him to satisfy, but the form of its expression - a demand, a claim, an offense!

2) Usually we put into our relationship what we need and want to get ourselves. Few people realize that a partner's needs and desires can differ significantly from our own. We express love in our native love language, which may be completely foreign to our partner. We invest and invest, but in the end, both are dissatisfied and each has accumulated a whole bunch of grievances.

It is important not to give your partner more and more of what is important to me, but to give him what he needs. A classic example: a man needs trust and acceptance for who he is, and a woman needs support, care, protection. As a result, a man, instead of being supported by faith in him and his ability to cope with the problem himself, receives a bunch of advice, valuable instructions, or even worse - the woman takes it upon herself and begins to solve his problems. And the woman, instead of care and protection, receives the non-interference of the man and his confidence that she will cope with everything herself. Exit: ask what you need, do not wait for the partner to figure it out.

Resentment is a reaction inner child to dislike, to the thought that they do not love me, do not appreciate, do not respect, "I mean nothing to him."

For insult, facts are not needed, suspicion of not love is enough. Resentment stifles from the thought that someone has the audacity not to love me, not to appreciate me and not to value me. Someone dared to do something that called into question my absolute value.

If you go deeper into resentment, then you will experience the pain of a helpless, abandoned, unloved child.

An offended person, at the very core of his suffering, experiences the pain of an unhappy abandoned child. He is waiting for someone to fill him with their love, warm his frozen hands and revive his soul. This is the pain of a child who, for some reason, did not receive this unconditional and all-fulfilling parental love in childhood.

This pain can flare up every time like a match from any suspicion of not love, so that the second one would prove to me that I love and finally fill my soul, give me what my parents could not give.

It is very difficult to acknowledge your need, weakness and need for love and care, to ask for it. Because rarely does anyone have the right to be weak. Not everyone is allowed to be weak and needy. Often a family brings up a child in such a way that the only thing that qualifies for weakness is illness. And people are unconsciously forced to use this trick to give themselves the opportunity to rest and ask for care.

It is not accepted to talk about your needs, it is shameful and “unnatural”. It is necessary for the other to guess for himself.

“GIVE ME WHAT I NEED! IMMEDIATELY!"

A small child, whom her mother left alone and left, will choke for a long time from crying in the crib. Then he will calm down and fall asleep. No, he will not calm down. Part of his soul will simply wither away. In his mind, his mother abandoned him and will never return. This pain of an abandoned child, especially repeated in childhood many times, will make an adult person very painful about the danger of losing love.

For a child, there is only him and his needs, he cannot understand that his mother has gone on her own important matters that she was in the bathroom or she felt bad or she left for five minutes and was detained. For a child there is only him, his need for love and his grief, that this love is not there when he needs it so much.

Adults, after many many years, behave just like this child. For them there is only their need for love and their pain, if this love was not given. It is very difficult for them to realize that the other person has different needs from theirs. “If you love me, please give me what I need! And immediately! ” They are sincerely offended when the other does not give and does not satisfy their needs. This offense covers with burning pain and breaks the heart, not letting it breathe.

IT IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR A PERSON WITH A SCAR IN HEALTH TO CONSIDER THE NEEDS OF OTHER PEOPLE AND DECLARE OUR PERSONS.

He expects the world, like a mother, to figure out what he needs and give him everything. And if someone, especially a close one, does not do this, then the old pain and resentment covers his head.

Another person, he is ... different. He has his own thoughts, his feelings, his ideas about himself and his life, his plans and his needs. His purpose is not to make you happy (yes, not in this!) He lives his life and lives as he can. It is regrettable to talk about it, but your beloved man can never become you loving dad, give you all that tenderness and unconditional love, the admiration and adoration that dads give to little girls (those of them who are lucky).

A woman cannot replace her mother and love as unconditionally as she does. If she puts her whole life on the altar of love and lives only for you, then this love has a name - psychological dependence.

Filling a hole in your soul with another person is the dream of many disadvantaged people.

Expectations are an image (method) of satisfying a need fixed in a person's head.

Our expectations are that ideal picture of the world that sits inside us, and we often unconsciously try on everything around it, compare it with it. And in this inner ideal picture of the world, we have a firm conviction that, for example, mom should behave this way, and dad should behave this way, that a beloved man is obliged to say and do this, and not otherwise, and friends should behave in a certain way. way. And we are perplexed, angry, disappointed and suffering in those moments when real situation things do not correspond to what we expect inside ourselves.

Have you ever had the feeling that the man seemed to have done something pleasant for you, but you are not happy, because a worm is gnawing inside you: “I expected something different from him”? How often do you say to someone: “I didn't expect this from you ?!”, how much do you expect from others at all?

When we passionately want something, we wish it, and our expectations in this regard are not met - it is difficult for us to forgive. And if we suddenly realize that the world, our partners does not meet our expectations, we are not ready to forgive it. We are more comfortable living in a world of our own expectations than in the world. real people... And all because we have built expectations for ourselves - I am not good enough to be loved, to be happy and we expect to change, become different and think that then I will become happier, and again the discrepancy ...

It is very important for us to realize that:

1. The surrounding people do not know about our picture of the world and most often do not even know about it "

2. The people around are not obliged to meet our expectations and are not obliged to guess them;

3. We have no right to demand that someone meet our expectations, we can only ask that a person understand our picture of the world and do something for us, provided that this does not destroy him mentally and emotionally.

And we do not forgive ourselves for this. I'm not good enough, the whole world is not good enough, the people around me are not like that, all these patterns do not meet my expectations.

As a result of all this search for happiness, to have a better - a better self, better relationship, better world- directed outside and lead to even greater suffering.

1. I suggest you now take a few sheets of paper (or a notebook) and honestly answer yourself:

What kind of behavior and attitude do you expect from your mother?

What do you expect from your dad?

What expectations do you have for your husband / wife (beloved man / woman, future husband / wife)?

What do you expect from your girlfriends / friends (in general and from each / each separately).

Describe your expectations on these sheets of paper in order to understand what an ideal picture of the world lives inside you ... Re-read your expectations now, are they generally real? Are REAL living people able to give you all this?

Most often, with our expectations, we fill some kind of emptiness within ourselves or cover up some kind of fear. It is important to be aware of this. When we understand our true need, really realize it, then the way in which it is satisfied becomes not so important to us, the very fact of satisfaction is important for us.

2. Think now (about each loved one) and write it down:

What need do I have for a relationship with this person? What do I really want (care, attention, etc.)?

How do I expect this need to be met by this person (specific steps of the loved one)?

Does this person know about my need, have we talked to him about it?

Is this person able to satisfy this need of mine without prejudice to himself?

What does my close person in order to satisfy this need of mine (his possible vision of what and how to do)?

It is very important to realize what a deep need we have and to whom it is really directed. Because often we, for example, want the attention of our parents, but do not receive it, and at the same time we try to demand from our husband all the attention that we lack from our parents. That is, we expect and oblige him to give us everything. But this is not correct and not possible. A husband is not a mom or a dad, and we cannot plug all the gaps with him.

Who are your expectations really addressed to?

Next, you need to say the words addressed to yourself: “I free myself from expectations about this person. I accept my need ... (designate the need that underlies the expectation, for example, for love, for attention, etc.). I allow myself to satisfy this need on my own and accept help from other people in the form in which they can give it to me, with love and gratitude. " This practice should be done several times, ideally 21 days in a row, and whenever expectations arise during this time.

Claims come from the mind and false ego. Gratitude - from the heart!

As long as there are claims and grievances, the heart is closed.

If I am immature, is in symbiosis (I = Other), then a person cannot feel gratitude and love for the Other. Everything that goes from another to him, he takes for granted, as a must, as an extension of himself. And he is hurt, offended by the fact that the other at some point stops doing it or does less than before. There is indignation: how can he not give me what I was counting on! Such a person does not understand that love is a gift from a free Other, worthy of gratitude.

Resentment takes over when we lose our ability to love and care. In most cases, the resentful person feels that they are giving more to others than they are receiving in return. Because of the injustice committed against him, he shies away from love. However, when you close your heart, you lose the ability to create what you want, and you cannot be loving and generous.

By focusing on what we have not received in this life because of our resentment, we miss other opportunities to give and receive. Without forgiving others, you are living in the past.

You feel self-pity when you lose the innate ability to be grateful to life for everything it gives you. By focusing on what you have not received, you can no longer be grateful for what you have, and you do not notice the many opportunities that open up.

Before you talk about the problems, take a closer look: are you complaining about your own benefits?

I have a house that needs cleaning. Children scurrying underfoot. A job to go to. Money that needs to be better managed. Many friends with whom there is no time to keep in touch. At times I can barely stay afloat. Believe me, the feeling is not pleasant.

I have a house. I have kids. I have a job. I have money. I have many friends. What am I complaining about? This is not a burden, but happiness. Yes I am busy. Yes, too overwhelmed at times. But if you think about it, the reason for my employment lies in the fact that I am generously gifted. Can this reward be stressful? Sometimes it can. But do I want it to be the other way around? No work? No friends? No family? No money? No home?

It turns out that when we are unhappy, we often complain about our own good.

The first step to love is gratitude.

In this world, few people are grateful to anyone.

You have to track how much gratitude you have and how many claims you have towards others. You will find that we often have more complaints than gratitude. Claims come from the mind and false ego.

An unhappy person is primarily an ungrateful person. He is always dissatisfied, everything is not enough for him.

1) Take everything for granted, for granted (when a partner did something for us one-two-three, then on the fourth we just start waiting for it from him and take offense if he refuses to give us something that we do not appreciate and for which we do not feel sincere gratitude).

2) To devalue what we have - very often in order to achieve even more. Our entire Western civilization is built on this! There is a constant sublimation of our desires: new goods, services. - in order to sell all this, a context of eternal insufficiency and dissatisfaction is implanted. Self-claims is self-criticism in order to become perfection. But the ideal is dead. Life is beautiful in its "imperfection".

3) It is impossible to bring more joy into our own life if we are not grateful for what we have. Because the thoughts and feelings that we radiate when we experience feelings opposite to gratitude attract into our life even more of what we do not want to thank.

Power of the State of Gratitude:

Life switches from "on autopilot" mode to conscious mode. Indeed, in order to start thanking, one must begin to notice, be aware and stop perceiving life out of habit. We begin to rejoice in small things. Gratitude is always a state of joy here and now! Gratitude opens new doors for us!

The habit of giving thanks also suppresses negative emotions. This is a nice workaround! Gratitude changes the flow of your energy. Changes your focus. Before that, you probably focused on what you don't have or your problems. By using gratitude, you begin to focus on what is good, what you already have, and this creates a flood of positive feelings that attract new positive circumstances into your life.

When we give thanks, we hatch out of the cocoon of the "hapless victim," the child. We begin to see the positive in every person, in every event, at least an experience, a lesson - and love everything that happens. This is maturity. You need to love what is already there. Immaturity always lives in "if only" or "it would be good", but never in "is", but "is" - reality. We take responsibility for everything that happened to us and is happening - we become conscious creators of our life. And this is the greatest happiness in itself!

Gratitude is acknowledgment (non-resistance), letting go, healing, liberation. Complaints to other people are our chains, ropes, lack of freedom from them. The metaphor of the postman: as long as we have complaints against our parents, we have not even begun to live our own life, we do not even open the parcel "life", but bicker with the postman ... It is impossible to separate from parents, "grow up", gain maturity without feeling gratitude to them for giving life and much more. Can't let go former partner without feeling grateful to him for being and that you learned an important lesson together.

Neil Donald Walsh: "Seek out the gift for which this man came to you ... I am not sending anyone but Angels to you!"

1. As your creative ability grows, it will become easier for you to forgive. And by learning to forgive, you will develop your ability to create.

It is important to shift the focus of expectations from the other person to yourself, that is, instead of waiting for someone to please us, start taking care of yourself more, supporting yourself more, etc., developing mature self-sufficiency. Taking back control of our lives, because when we expect something from others, it means that we give them control over our lives, impose on them responsibility for our happiness and well-being.

Many people have a presentiment that they should have more in this world. But, not knowing how to get what they want, they perceive themselves to be deprived. To get rid of the feeling that you have not been invited to a fun party, it is necessary. come to it yourself. No one will do what only you can do.

2. Human behavior upsets us only when it serves as a reflection of those aspects of our being that we do not particularly like in ourselves and therefore project onto others. A person gives us a chance to accept and love that part of ourselves that we have cursed, and in this respect this person is our angel of healing. Through our stories (representing a false perception of reality) we create our own life and reality. We always attract people who reflect our false perceptions, thereby providing us with the opportunity to heal from mistakes and move in the direction of truth.

Consider your unquenchable desire to be right. People make colossal investments in their rightness and from childhood are accustomed to defend it, which usually involves the need to make someone else wrong. We even define our own worth on the basis of how often we are right. Therefore, it is not surprising that we find it so difficult to admit that something just is - and nothing is inherently right or wrong, good or bad.

We come to physical life with a mission: to fully experience a certain energy model in order to feel the sensations associated with this model, and then transform this energy through love. Life is not a random event.

We learn and grow through relationships with others. Through this same relationship, we heal our underlying trauma and return to oneness. People around play crucial role in a person's life, because they reflect him distorted perception reality and its projections, and also help him to become aware of the material repressed into the subconscious and thus heal.

Whatever we condemn in others is actually what we curse in ourselves.

Every person we meet in life gives us the opportunity to choose between projection and forgiveness, unity and separation.

If you attract a lot into your life evil people then you probably haven't dealt with your own anger yet. If people give you too little love, you are probably stingy with love yourself. If people steal from you, it means that some part of your being is behaving dishonestly or considers itself dishonest. If you are constantly betrayed, you may have betrayed someone yourself in the past. If you are an ardent opponent of homosexuality, it is possible that you simply cannot accept the part of yourself that sometimes experiences homosexual desires.

The funny thing is that those people who upset us the most love and support us more than anyone else at the soul level. Almost always, these people try to teach us lessons to help us better understand ourselves and heal our traumas (and often they do this at the expense of their own nerves and comfort).

The Law of Resonance helps us attract people who resonate with our own problems into our lives so that we can heal. For example, if a person's problem is loneliness, he tends to attract people who eventually leave him.

It seems to us that this or that situation is the worst thing that has ever happened to us, but in fact it gives us the key to healing some deeply hidden trauma that interferes with our happiness and growth.

Forgiveness is about not resisting life, it is about allowing life to live itself through you. The alternatives are pain and suffering, and in many cases even physical ailments, which impede the flow of vital energy enormously. It is the moment you truly forgive that you return your strength from your mind. Unforgiveness is the very nature of the mind, as is the nature of the mind-created false self, the ego, unable to survive without strife and conflict. The mind cannot forgive. Only you can. You become present, you enter the body, you feel the vibrations of peace and tranquility emanating from Being. That is why Jesus said, "Before entering the temple, forgive me."

True (radical) forgiveness is about letting go, about liberating. What does it mean to forgive? It means giving away the most valuable thing you have - giving up your ego, your expectations.

The existence of the ego is entirely based on separation. Without separation, we do not need to defend or attack - therefore, at the moment of unification, we raise our vibrations, abandon defense mechanisms and become who we really are. At the same time, we abandon our own projections and see in a person a child of God, perfect in all respects. This is the essence of Radical Forgiveness.

Radical Forgiveness proceeds from the premise that NOTHING bad happens, and therefore, there is, in fact, nothing to forgive. There is NO need to blame.

The purpose of radical forgiveness is to see the truth behind the surface visible events and find love and perfection behind every situation. Looking at what is happening from a different angle, we were able to perceive the idea that nothing bad actually happened and, in fact, there is nothing to forgive.

Ask yourself for forgiveness. Sooner or later, you realize that you need to forgive yourself for all the wounds and all the poison, for all the suffering that you caused yourself by creating just such a dream. And when you forgive yourself, harmony with yourself comes, self-love is strengthened. This is the highest forgiveness - when you finally forgive yourself.

Ask yourself, why is it beneficial for me not to forgive myself or someone / something in my life? And suddenly you find that it turns out not to forgive:

- this is an easy way to get something, a kind of manipulation;

- it can be false personal boundaries, when you thus protect yourself from people;

- so you can protect yourself from pain or betrayal;

Is a way to attract more attention, care, support, love;

- it can be a source of development or growth, some kind of motivator, etc.

This is the way to find life experience, wisdom;

This is a way of life, built on the enjoyment of ritualized suffering over the experience ...

And then you will see that all claims and grievances are created by you, for you and your safety. And then you will see what you hid behind accusing yourself and others. And then you will be able to make a free choice - to carry on the burden of claims and grievances or go through life light. The choice is yours!

It is difficult for you to let a new person into your life. Are you still mad at ex-man(woman).

You parted a long time ago, but you realize that all thoughts are about who left.

You still cannot forgive what has been done to you.

You feel that you are powerless in the face of your resentment. You no longer have energy for yourself, the realization of your plans, dreams, goals. And youth, beauty and desire to unconditionally give their love melt before our eyes.

The doctors have already given you a disappointing diagnosis.