But life together turned out not to be. Living together after divorce. Is it worth it for the sake of children? Reasons for divorce after a long marriage

Good afternoon. We were married to my husband for 10 years. We lived with his parents for 2 years, then he went on a spree, I went with the child to my mother, I realized that I couldn’t go without him, I didn’t want to go back, after a month I began to get used to living without him and then he took me. We bought a house, then an apartment, a second child was born. Everything seemed to be fine. He is a good hard worker but private and independent. He does not like conversations, it seemed to me that I was somehow not so all the time for him, although she always showed that I loved him and spoke, and even the closeness began more often by herself. I was offended that sometimes I slept in the hall, I wanted his reciprocity and even more initiative.

This year, since the spring, something cracked, I tried to talk and he said that everything suits him, and if he doesn’t suit me, he doesn’t hold me. I felt very offended by the words "does not hold" and could not continue the conversation further. Lost proximity for 2 months. Then a guy drew attention to me, I was the first to start communicating, at first a correspondence began, I was not going to go too far, moreover, I was sure that I was not capable of treason, besides, and he was married. This was done to attract the attention of her husband. He noticed the changes but didn't show it, silently connected to my phone and read everything for 2 months. There, of course, a lot of not sincerity was written to both the girlfriends and the guy. And I didn’t understand his relationship even more and it all led to treason when he was sure of treason and told me to leave.

And I reminded him of his mistake, why he pushed me to do this. He agreed that he was to blame. Then I found out that he also had a woman. He said not that she had him for a while. And I was enough for exactly a week and it all started again I wanted to find out what and why is this with us. It pissed him off. He filed for divorce. He said that he didn’t want anything with me for a long time. And there should be no more hope. Live says as you want. I do not understand how to live in such a relationship under one roof, I offered to sell the apartment, he agreed. And now I think, I blame myself for everything that I destroyed everything myself, but as if I hope that everything can change, but how I think what was done and how to live with a feeling of uselessness I don’t understand. Now he has gone into a taxi. There is practically no communication. Sometimes I read correspondence with other women, but I do not arrange scandals.

I do not understand his policy, he finished everything but does not leave because there is nowhere or again I have to make a decision, this has always been the case. I would like to fix everything, but he doesn't need to. Please help me figure it out. Is it worth all this to pull if they tell you not to meddle in my life. Maybe it's just an insult to him.

He too closed man and complex. I'm afraid to be alone. Although I have a mother 100 km away, I don’t want to live with her. There is a home, but there is no life in it. Selling, moving is a new life, I'm scared and afraid of making changes to children (9 and 3 years old). The elder says I want to live in my house. They love dad as much as I can deprive them of seeing him every day. But he doesn't need it. I don’t understand what to do, but the fact that I am uncomfortable in such a relationship is a fact. Is it worth it for the sake of children, for the sake of the outer shell of the family. Mom does not understand me and says that she endured all her life for my brothers and me, and I must. Now I don’t understand how.

Elenka ..

Svetlana Dyachenko

Administrator, Russia

Hello. Yes, officially.

Elenka ..

Hello, Yelenka .. It is always difficult to experience ambivalent feelings about "leaving - staying" - I sympathize with you. How old are you now? You are working? Is the house in which you all live together - is it your husband's property or yours? Do children know about divorce? How does the elder feel about this? You say that your mother does not understand you, but in general some of your relatives / friends are supporting you now?
How do you feel - is there still love for your husband or not?

I'm 31. I work with clients. Our house is shared with children. The elder asked not to divorce, but he stood his ground and I did not resist. Only a friend supports. Mom says you have to endure. The time is not easy with the tight work in the villages, the house is hard to sell in shares with children. I want to free myself from such a relationship, but many circumstances are against it. Love, I don't even know what it is! Somewhere deep probably is, but she fades away from such a relationship to herself. I cheated on him and I can understand his behavior, but the fact is that even before that, he was always not enough for me. He is not the kind of person to talk and go to meet someone or me. Unscored egoist by parents. He said that he didn’t want anything with me for a long time and he wasn’t interested in my life. And I do not understand how you can continue to live like this and whether his words are true !!! He is now showing in every way that he lives a separate life, I endure, but I understand that I can’t always and for a long time.

Explanatory article about divorce. And it was when that when I left and the same thing was tears, pleas, requests, I was not ready to live without him, there were many reasons, although he then decided for himself, but went for a chance. Since then, there has been no talk about relationships, just living on the machine. And in the end it all came to this. I am very guilty, but I know for sure that there are 2 parties in the union and they are both responsible for it. Someone pulls more, someone allows. Understanding comes but I continue to hope, perhaps out of fear. I have nowhere to go to live with my mother, I don’t want to leave an apartment for him at all, and it’s very difficult to sell it because the share of children under 18 years old. I just have a dead end, the fear of changing the life of children, breaking their psyche, it’s hard to work in the village, but he doesn’t want anything else to remain meaningless and I have to somehow get out myself.

I have no fear of being left without a man, this is not a problem !! Only I needed him and with him I tried to let it be wrong. I have a fear of what I had good job and home.

Now I couldn’t keep my thoughts, because women should be wiser, more patient, but I’m somehow not like that !! I can’t let him go in my thoughts, in my soul, like in the same apartment, but such strangers and at the same time relatives, or I’m idolizing. Now I think that in life, probably the main thing is work and a roof over your head, and not all this is lyrics.

I try to live for myself with the hope that everything will be frayed, but how difficult it is. He avoids me on questions by answering, of course, but purely formally. On those general kaksaemo his or everyday life says either not your business or I do not know. I do not understand him. I don't think that a person really wants to be alone, no matter how he talks about it.

I think this behavior is out of resentment and understanding that I'm not going anywhere. Or I just don’t believe that for him the end has come a long time ago.

Elenka ..

Yelenka .., now you are in great anxiety, and you need to breathe, calm down. All are safe and sound, and this is the main thing. Situations are different, and yours is still quite within the limits of human values ​​(it can be much, much worse). You periodically blame yourself for what happened, however, a woman's patience is not infinite, and what happened, it worked out (otherwise you could not, it is worth accepting). You need to be aware of your own aspirations, because while I see constant vibrations (there is love, but deep inside - love does not even know what it is !!; I cannot let it go in my thoughts, in my soul - the main thing in life is work and a roof over my head and not all of this lyrics). Let's try to sit down at a sheet of paper and write in 2 columns all the pros and cons of continuing life with your husband: this exercise will give at least a little clarity and understanding of your desires.

Pros and cons as it seems to me? Without his participation? And if I am mistaken considering it a minus and for him it is a plus. You see, I'm talking about him again !!! I will try

And his woman is like a salvation, because now he doesn’t understand what I needed, he didn’t walk, didn’t drink everything for the house, but I didn’t have enough)) but I know that he doesn’t need anyone, he doesn’t try for a relationship well, or just with me. Now he again puts the problem on me. If I stretch it will go on, no, no. Women are the wiser I should keep it all for sure. Because children want to live with both parents.

And how to realize aspirations. I myself do not understand what I want. I want to be with him but not in such a relationship

Elenka ..

Yelenka .., the previous message is already a certainty, it needs to be developed: if not in such a relationship, then in what relationship do you want to be with your husband? What should not be there, but what is absolutely necessary for the harmony of the family? Children always want to preserve the marriage of their parents, because this is psychologically safer for them, BUT does not mean that it is better (sometimes you need to get a divorce and live separately so that the destructive relationship between mom and dad does not cause children even more trauma). Therefore, you must first of all think about yourself and your priorities.
What happened is already the past - it's useless to blame yourself and you need to try to accept it ("Yes, it was so, we are working with what we have now"). You are talking about a woman - does the husband have someone?

Yes. Perhaps there was a flirtation right away and nothing more, but I noticed his coldness in response to my approaches. Then I had a conversation, he watched and communicated with her. When he told me he knew he also went to her. I only found out about this after. And now we are divorced, I periodically find correspondence and understand that there is a connection. He decided everything for himself, finished with me, he just lives his life in his house. And for some reason I am suffering, I blame myself, I am trying to fix something, I am wasting my nerves, I am frustrated by the children. Trying to justify him, why ??? You need to learn to live in one place without him, on your own, to give up everything and go nowhere, this is not my opinion. And to save a relationship that does not exist

And he told me. That now his personal life does not interest me. Does nothing at home as before. He is practically not at home. Lives a free life and seeks new sensations. And for the second time I am going through infidelity and now it is even more painful from the fact that I myself have changed.

I think my problem is that I think too much about everything and globally. I cannot live here and now. Because I don't feel comfortable in my soul

There should be no silence, resentment, raised tones, a separate bed. I would like to make plans together, to discuss something, to be interested in each other's life, to spend time together if something doesn’t suit you and you just want to talk about it. But it doesn't work out for some reason, because he doesn't need me.

Elenka ..

"There should be no silence, resentment, raised tones, a separate bed. I want to make plans together, discuss something, be interested in each other's life, spend time together, if something does not suit you and you want something, you just want to talk about it." , - this is really the harmony that spouses have been building for years, Yelenka ... But you again slide into the analysis of the thoughts and actions of your husband, moving away from your priorities. Now he is in a relationship with a woman, and you want to continue the relationship with him, right? I understand that it is painful and difficult, but the way out can be what you give yourself a certain period(for example, until the summer - 06/01/2018) and during these six months you will try to show your husband every day that this relationship is dear to you, that you care about him (continue to cook delicious dinner, take a little interest in his affairs and thoughts, share your joys of the day - about children, a new book, a conversation with someone, etc.) that you want to return to your former compatibility, and that in general for you you are still a family with him, albeit in this ragged form. Specific term is needed so that you understand that your suffering is not endless. A couple of weeks before graduation, you can tell your husband that you have decided: if he does not want anything with you until summer, then you will give up trying to be together. What do you think about this? Will it work?

My suffering leads to the fact that I am like a shadow, nothing pleases me, I do not want anything, I cannot sleep, he is the only one in my head. It is not normal!!! I try to convey to him with words it infuriates him, as in another way, I do not want to impose my actions. I have lived with him for so much time and now I understand or did not know him at all or I just now reject the fact that the person could not forgive the betrayal and made his decision, and how and what I did I do worse only to myself !!! It’s like a dilemma in I understand that I have to let him go out of my head because it’s bad from this and I’m holding it like I’m afraid of fear of the future !!

It's like a psychological addiction !!

I'm afraid that it won't work because his words in my head are “I don’t want anything else, you’re not interesting to me, nothing will work out and nothing can be fixed, don’t live in hopes, you can stay in this house, you don’t bother me” it all bothers me fix or lack patience or strength. Sometimes it seems that something will change, but then I try to speak again and hear the same thing. I don’t want to live like that, but I don’t want to do it for correction either because of his words !!! He can forgive her betrayal. normal reaction!! I transfer everything to myself, why is he so with me, I once forgave him why he does not remember this, he led me to treason himself, he confessed why he didn’t want anything, he decided everything for himself, fenced off from me specifically. Why do I continue to hope out of fear to change my life, or it seems that I love, again I would not change, probably, and leave when I still cannot let him go? Therefore, I need to learn how to get rid of him here first, but it is so difficult, because he comes in the evenings and I wait for him and I do not get the answers I want! I torture myself as if I like to suffer! Most likely so. I need to somehow become strong and independent and decide to leave, no matter how bad it makes me feel. But I want to free myself from his addiction !!!

Elenka ..

Yelenka .. about the fact that you seem to like to suffer - this is a new thought. You suffer, drawing attention to yourself, in the role of the Victim you get sympathy and justification for your betrayal, the opportunity to scold your husband for his behavior and restore your reputation as a wife - does this correspond to your feelings?
Emotional dependence on a relationship with a husband is a fairly common situation. Perhaps, after reading the material on this topic, you can better understand the mechanism of your addiction?
Psychological or emotional addiction manifests itself primarily in the desire for constant closeness, in the awareness of oneself with another person as a whole.

A partner is needed as a support, a source of support, providing a sense of security and meeting urgent needs.

With his disappearance, the most important thing is lost - a sense of security. Therefore, adult woman so strong is the fear at the thought of parting with her husband.

All these descriptions are characteristic of little child completely dependent on mom.

Dependent women are extremely painful to experience a break with men. They do not feel happy in a relationship, they cannot get what they want (this is impossible with anyone) and, most importantly, they cannot break the painful connection.
They suffer, torn apart by opposing desires: the fear of parting and unwillingness to put up with the way men treat them.

At a deep level, a woman has long decided for herself that she must part with this man, but a vague hope that she can still get better keeps her in a relationship.

Most often she cannot break the bond with a man because of material dependence from him, each time justifying herself in her soul, why does she still endure bad attitude to yourself. Sometimes it seems to me that a woman creates for herself the conditions in which she becomes dependent on a man. As if she always needs excuses for herself why she is with him.
The reasons that keep her in a relationship, as a rule, (as it seems to her) are in external circumstances - money, children, housing, there are no men nearby, one is very bad and much more. Talking about her villainous husband, she regrets her inability to leave him, laments her fate.

All reasons related to external circumstances actually reflect internal ones. Deep inside herself, a woman cannot and does not want to part with a man, although she understands that a relationship with him causes her suffering. How an alcoholic understands the harm of his actions, but continues to do the same, not having the strength to refuse and the courage to admit his addiction.
Such women, despite their affection, can very easily talk to a partner about parting with him and about divorce. They can even make real attempts to get away from him. But being alone, they quickly realize that they have done a stupid thing. The desire to break up with him is replaced by a tide of love, tenderness and pity, and maybe the hope that everything will still improve.
Strange as it may seem, suffering is best lesson for such women, although these lessons are very painful.

No matter how outwardly your behavior manifests itself, from an open dependence to a demonstration of independence, but if there is a problem in your soul, the name of which is addiction, then you are doomed to suffering in a relationship. Where there is an obsessive need, there is no place for happiness and harmony.
This problem robs you of your joy in life.
You feel bad if you do not feel love and the necessary attention from a man.
Quarrels with your husband turn into a painful nightmare for you, you cannot work calmly, communicate with friends, or have fun. All your thoughts are absorbed in him and when he will call or come. Your life stops without it. You are hard to endure quarrels, and the thought of parting is unbearable for you.
Depending on the object you need to maintain your own balance. Gently loving husband, very quickly turns into hateful. The husband is still the same, he just did not do what you expected, by his actions he made you feel unnecessary to him and insignificant to him. It is the feeling of your importance and value in the life of another that maintains your harmonious state. If your husband prefers someone or something to you, does not listen to you, acts in his own way, then this is enough for love to change into hatred and anger.

When faced with rejection and a sense of being neglected, you really get overwhelmed by hatred of your husband. If he acted in his own way, regardless of your desire, you may experience unreasonable disgust and disgust. It seems dirty to you, you cannot overcome these sensations and even touch it.
All these feelings are rooted in early childhood.
If you stop blaming the man for all your suffering, and see your lesson in them, accept it and start working on yourself, focus on yourself, you will certainly slowly grow up, freeing yourself from addiction, opening the doors to independence and freedom.

They described everything exactly, I’m getting to this a little bit, but I don’t know how to correctly and in what steps to remove this dependence. I'm trying in the little things now. I always wanted to call myself from work to pick it up now I go myself, but sometimes I start calling again, of course he takes it away, but in my head the thought that I’ve started myself again, refuses to feed offers, and I think, well, yes, he’s insulted why I’m continuing again. I don’t propose for a while, but then I start again and understand that I’m walking in a circle and while I do this, nothing will change, even if there is a relationship with another, it’s all worthless, because you need to remove this dependence in yourself in order to open new life... But how!!! How to start there is no one not to rely on and to live on my own, the feeling that I can’t, or I can’t do it like “it’s like someone needs” fear, but why is it to someone again !? So I cling ...

Elenka ..

Elenka .., free swimming for a woman with children - sounds alarming, I understand you. Apparently, inside (emotionally) you are not an adult, but a little girl who is afraid of being abandoned and of no use to anyone (therefore, you again offer your husband to eat, and so on). Did someone abandon / leave you in childhood? Maybe the mother or father went on a business trip for a long time, one of them long time lay in the hospital or somewhere else? Your hypertrophied fear of loneliness is most likely from there - from childhood trauma of abandonment. Can you say something about this? Only when we untangle this tangle will addiction begin to slowly let go of you.
Finding support within yourself is what you need to achieve (this is possible only in face-to-face or skype work with a psychologist, but for now let's try to expand the problem here in writing).

Many are already familiar with such a prose of being asliving together with a loved one, and many have yet to. Someone is waiting for this with impatience, while for someone such a prospect scares to the core. In fact, living with a person is a whole science, it is like maneuvering a ship in the middle of the ocean, where icebergs are waiting on all sides. Let's figure out how not to run into them and not sink the "ship of love".

Well, as they say, victory loves preparation, which means, let's prepare for difficult family everyday life... If you initially approach them correctly, it will help save nerves, not test your patience and the patience of your partner. To do this, you need to initially get rid of dangerous illusions about living together and psychologically tune in to how everything will be, so that later you do not lose "Zen" from every little thing. And, of course.

Quarreling

Perhaps the thing without which living together under one roof is indispensable is family quarrels. It’s very easy to meet 3 times a week, go to the movies, have sex and go home. And it's much more difficult to share things, kitchen, bathroom, and not go crazy when habitual way a life in which you are your own master is in the past. So there will be quarrels, this is an axiom, another thing is how you overcome them. If there is a desire to find a compromise, it will always be found. If there is no desire, create it, it's as easy as collapsing paper airplane... After all, our thoughts, like a river, flow wherever the earth directs them. Therefore, since you have decided to live together, then direct your thoughts to the right channel, learn to control your stormy temper and do not forget why you chose this person. Let pleasant thoughts balance negative ones, and then you will be able to maintain peace.

Furnishing of the apartment

They say the truth: "if you want to know a person, make repairs with him." There are as many tastes in the world as there are people, and therefore you should not count on you thanks to your " unearthly love»You will immediately find mutual language regarding the renovation and furnishings of the apartment. Therefore, if you decide to start living together, then be prepared for the fact that an epic battle awaits you for every little thing. Unless you initially decide to compromise on what is not important to you. For example, if a girl wants beige color walls, but for a guy the color is not so important, it is better to give in. This also applies to girls. Then, in fundamental moments, everyone will receive something of their own, and you can get used to the rest.

Pets

Well, now it's time to have ... no, not a child, you can breathe out, just a fluffy tomboy, a cat, a dog, whatever you like. And this is where the most important thing begins - it's good when both want to start pet and they will immediately take joint responsibility for it. But it happens that someone wants, and someone does not. Here it is better to treat with understanding and immediately determine the responsibilities. As in childhood, remember - “and who will look after him? I will!"

"Let's exchange passwords, do you trust me?" Often this is offered by girls, although it happens that guys are very eager to look into the innermost. Don't! Well, believe that every word and every like you will start to analyze, look through every "chicken" or every "asshole" who wrote. You will lose your peace of mind and think, what did he / she mean when you wrote that? "She wanted / wants / wants him!" So close to paranoia. Then living together can turn into a nightmare. Here you need to know some rules that will help you not to go crazy.

So, a guy can nicely communicate and flirt with another girl, and this most often does not mean anything, just the manner of communication. Therefore, it makes no sense for a girl to endure his brain over trifles. This also applies to the guy - you don't need to suspect the girl every time and annoy her with your jealousy. On the other hand, it is important to remember the feelings of loved ones and not give cause to worry.

Secrets

Often, lovers have illusions on the topic - we will not have secrets from each other. Yeah, keep your pockets wider! Just believe that sometimes it is better to remain silent than to say it as it is. Remember the sacramental truth from the TV series Friends: “Am I fat? No! Does size matter? No!". Protect the feelings of your loved ones. But this does not mean that you have to lie, no. On the contrary, you should be honest wherever it does no harm. At the same time, you should not do what you will be ashamed of later and what needs to be hidden. Well, you get the idea ... Deep relationships are much more important than momentary joys!

Shyness

Yeah, so we got to the main stumbling block in living together. The truth is that the most difficult thing is to imagine a waterfall in time. In general, nothing kills love and romance like the functions of your body. Someone will object and say: what is natural is not ugly. And I will answer: blah blah blah! Please note that all people are different, for example, there are girls for whom even the sight of a naked man is unacceptable, unless there is sex ahead of you. Suddenly, huh? I’m already silent about everything else. Likewise, guys try not to think about what girls are doing in the toilet, actively imagining a rainbow. Therefore, before starting a life without boundaries, try leading questions find out the partner's position on this matter and convey your own.

Daily regime

We all usually do a bunch of things and everyone has their own schedule. But now you are not on your own, you have a couple who lives with you. And he doesn’t just rent a room nearby. So, you need to adapt to each other. And here the question arises, who should do this? The answer is simple - both. Don't think that someone's schedule is more important. More precisely, it can be really more important, and at certain moments it is worth admitting (if there is a head), but when this is not so critical, then it is better to try not to offend the feeling self-importance your partner. You will say that your business is more important and before you have time to look back, they will grow cold towards you. So, if you started living together, then do not forget that someone has to get up early, which means that you should not sit up late and listen to music throughout the apartment. Just respect each other, it's not that hard.

Family budget

Money loves counting. This is true and should not be neglected. And since now you live together, then immediately figure out how your budget will be arranged. Does everyone have their own or one common? Or someone works, and someone runs a household and takes care of children. All this is hard work that needs to be treated with respect. In any case, if you immediately put everything in its place, there will be no further misunderstandings.

Personal space

When you met before, you did not have time to get bored with each other. Now everything has changed and your significant other will now appear in front of your eyes most of the time. Moreover, you will have to communicate, watch movies together, cook, play. Anything together ... it can go crazy. No matter how much you love, if this is too much, then no patience will be enough. So give each other personal space, the opportunity to surf the Internet, watch a movie or read. At this time, you yourself will not hurt a little "rest from love", go about your business. This approach eliminates many of the difficulties of family life.

I want to know where you are

Continuing the theme of social networks and paranoia, one cannot forget the eternal desire to control each other's movements. "And where are you? Will you be home at home? " It can get you, really. Remember that the harder you squeeze the spring, the more it expands. On the other hand, such a desire can be understood, and that once again torment the soul mate, it is better to tell yourself where you are, do not force your partner to guess.

General tastes

All people are different! I will repeat again - all people are different. In some ways your tastes may coincide, but in others they may not, this is quite normal, even interesting. Do not instill a love for your favorite genre of cinema, sport, food. Do not impose your views, you would definitely not like that.

Eternal love

This is the favorite delusion of young hearts - the belief in everlasting love... I do not want to dispel the fairy tale, but love is not eternal. In any case, youthful, the one that makes you sing. Over time, the sharpness is lost and the fire turns into a measured light, which will warm the whole life. If you support him. If you spit and leave it to chance, then don't ask later why you don't feel anything. Let me tell you straight - the feeling of love must be created, maintained in oneself, this is work. I understand that very few people expected to hear this and are unlikely to immediately agree, but with time you will understand that this is so.

Time to be alone

Don't forget that sometimes it's good to go out separately. Well, so, for a change, so as not to feel that everything is the same in your life. Go to the cinema, theater, just take a walk, being alone with yourself is very useful. Give this opportunity to your significant other.

Meeting with friends

We remember that we are all different and our characters may differ. Someone loves to communicate with people, but some do not. There are those who love communication, but only with people whom he himself has chosen. And therefore, your significant other will not always be delighted with communicating with your friends. Therefore, before inviting them to your home, ask if your girlfriend / boyfriend wants this. This is a simple rule that will solve many questions.

Relatives

But as for the relatives of the second half, here you need to force yourself to treat them well. No one demands crazy love, but respect is a must. It is clear that few people want to be in constant stress, and this is what people feel in the presence of the parents of the chosen one / chosen one, so you do not need to arrange such meetings too often. Such questions can be honestly discussed in the evening over a cup of tea.

Cooking

Life together cannot do without a solution important question- who will cook in the family? It is because of this issue that scandals often occur. Usually a girl cooks. But here it should be assumed that a girl can spend as much time at work as a guy. Imagine, here she comes tired, changes clothes and goes to the kitchen, and the young man to the sofa. Not very honest. Therefore, try to agree on your schedule, you can "cook" together or in turn. And if a girl herself volunteers to cook for her man, then he should appreciate such a treasure and carry it in his arms.

Sex

Remember how it all began? Wild excitement and anticipation for the first time. Several months of unrestrained pleasures, from which I blew my head off. And then it became somehow annoying, not so interesting, everything was already there. And when you start living together, then sex turns into a routine. And you already understand that today you are tired and you can skip once, and the girl sometimes plays the role of "oh, my head hurts." This is a common thing and here, of course, one cannot sit idly by.

First, throw away thoughts of sex with others. It's just that such thoughts in themselves kill the acuteness with a partner. And they are also pushed to a grave sin. You cannot betray those you love. And secondly, talk to the girl / guy, experiment. Try something new, play. And most importantly, dream of having sex with your soul mate, add spice to your thoughts, and reality will surely be transformed.

Blanket

Finally, I would like to say about the blanket - it belongs to a girl, you should put up with it

Here we have covered some importantrules of living together, which will allow you to preserve your feelings and successfully overcome the difficulties that may arise. The main thing is to respect each other, be honest, do not be afraid to discuss the issues that interest you, make efforts and everything will work out.

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Before you start agreeing on small everyday issues: what kind of rug for the bathroom to choose or what color should be the dishes for a gala dinner, try to come to an agreement on more global issues. It is better to discuss them with your partner in advance, for example, when for the first time you think about the time to start living together.

Here are five difficulties that couples most often face when they decide to move to a new stage in their relationship. Psychologists recommend talking about this before you start packing.

1. How do you both feel about marriage?

It might seem like it's pretty weird question for those who have already decided to live together. But are your motives the same? “For each partner, living together can mean something different,” warns psychologist Janet Reibstein. - For some, this is a natural stage before the wedding. And for some it’s just a step in a relationship, without any plans for the future. ” Consider why you made this decision. If the prospect of marriage doesn't scare you both, great! But if you want to move in together to save fading feelings, think again, do you need to save them?

2. Who pays the bills and who washes the dishes

Money and housework are the top two reasons family quarrels... Ask yourself the question: is my partner responsible, how he will behave in difficult situations? “When we begin to live in marriage, the scenarios inherent in us in deep childhood by the family come to the fore,” explains Janet Reibstein. - It is obvious that we share with a partner not only living space, but also life. It would be nice to understand that each person has his own idea of ​​how it should be. How to pay, prepare meals, wash dishes, water flowers and make the bed. " Ideally, you need to find the golden mean meanwhile, the way you and your partner see this situation. There is no ideal and no concept of “right” in such questions - just try to develop a scheme that will suit both of you. And most importantly, if you don’t like how, for example, your partner vacuums, you don’t have to think that you have stopped loving him. Think about it, do you have a complaint against your spouse, or is it about your (deceived) expectations?

3. How do your disputes end?

How couples go through conflict affects their relationship. But, as with issues of life and money, there are no categories of "right" / "wrong". Many couples start fighting after they get together. But even if you had some minor disagreements or big fights with doors slamming, now things will be different. "The way of arguing and fighting will have to change," says relationship coach Susan Quilliam. - At least you will have nowhere else to go, loudly slamming the door. Especially if the apartment is small. " There is a chance that not only the manner will change, but also the reason for the dispute. For example, if you used to close your eyes to chronic lateness of your partner, now they can start to annoy you more. " Living together, among other things, requires good management skills, says Janet Reibstein. - And there will always be topics that constantly pop up in disputes, something that provokes us to a quarrel. And only couples who calmly accept this fact and are ready to approach this difficult task creatively have a chance to survive. "

4. How can we diversify our sex life?

Most of us are confident that sex will change as relationships develop. But almost everyone expects only one thing from living together - the complete fading of interest in each other and the transformation of sex into a routine. “Of course, inaccessibility and spontaneity add fire to sex,” says Susan Quilliam. "On the other hand, it depends on us whether sex gets better over time." We complain about the lack of novelty and mystery, but we forget what role the unique and intimate knowledge of all can play erogenous zones partner, his wildest desires, what he likes and what he doesn't. A long life together does not always imply novelty in sex, and you can only dream of spontaneous desire, as in the first months of a relationship ... bed, there will be much more benefit, ”concludes Susan Quilliam.

5. What if I need to be alone?

"One of the most big changes, which you will notice, being together in the same apartment, is complete absence the personal space you are so used to at home, ”warns Susan Quilliam. Yes, that may sound corny. But we often underestimate the importance of purely personal space and time, captured by the excitement and novelty of living together. Only after a few months do we begin to feel acute shortage privacy. “At times like these, a person begins to feel guilty,” continues Susan Quilliam. - And sometimes he even thinks about the strength of his feelings for a partner. But the desire for personal space often does not mean that at all. Moreover, it is a completely natural and necessary desire. " If you have the opportunity to share rooms in an apartment, then this will solve the problem. For example, make an office or at least agree on who occupies which room when. But if this is not possible, look outside the home for a solution. Fitness, dancing, drawing classes and meditation lessons - believe me, sometimes it's worth spending time apart from each other. It can be so wonderful to miss each other.

For more information visit psychologies.co.uk

American psychologists call divorce the death of a relationship. This is indeed the case. A couple who have decided on a final separation, as a rule, are not eager to communicate in the future. But in our country, there are often cases when former spouses have to lead a life together after a divorce.

This is usually caused by housing problem... The spouses cannot immediately leave, as there is no way to change the apartment, or buy a new one. It happens that relatives of a divorced couple create obstacles to the final separation. Be that as it may, but ex-husband and the wife remain to live under one roof and are forced to run a joint household. This situation has both positive and negative sides.

• Difficulties in living together after divorce

Of course, this state of affairs is always associated with increased emotional stress. If one of the spouses cannot, then the daily existence under one roof will be filled with scandals, reproaches and exhausting showdowns. Life is in danger of becoming hell.

As noted by the well-known psychologist K. Whitaker, such a situation can negatively affect younger generation... As you know, this is a separate complex topic... Constant conflicts between parents can negatively affect the development of a small child and even a teenager. In such families, children become anxious or aggressive, they develop fears and lack of confidence in themselves and those around them. Such a life can lead to psychological trauma in the child.

Another negative point is the fact that none of the partners has the opportunity to arrange their personal life... Indeed, in this situation, it is almost impossible to bring home a new passion. Especially if the former second half suffers from jealousy and is aggressive.

• Positive points.

It happens that a couple realizes that divorce was a premature step. After the passions have subsided, the grievances are a thing of the past, the spouses begin to understand that they are still attracted to each other.

In this case, living together after a divorce allows the husband and wife to take a fresh look at their partner. Perhaps after a while they will even forget what caused them to end the relationship, and will be completely sincerely surprised without understanding.

Psychologists note that in a similar situation you need to be careful. It is possible that the revival old feelings- it’s just an illusion, and after a while you will again feel dissatisfaction with each other. Before converging again, you need to carefully analyze everything and think about how to avoid past mistakes. For example, if a man, looking at the now inaccessible ex-lover, re-opens in it many positive features, he should weigh the pros and cons before trying.

• How to build Cohabitation?

If ex-spouses forced to live together for some time, they, first of all, have to solve everyday issues. The most reasonable option in this case would be to agree on where things will be stored, who uses what day washing machine... You can also separate foods and even dishes. These measures are by no means superfluous. Very often, it is everyday little things that provoke the most violent quarrels. Having discussed all such questions, you will greatly facilitate your cohabitation in the same apartment.

In this case, the former spouses will begin to communicate like neighbors in communal apartment... If they have no claims to each other, such a life can last for years. But if a life together after a divorce develops into a war until the last patron, and any word of a partner is perceived as a personal insult, it is urgent to disperse.

One of the spouses can rent an apartment or a room or live with friends for some time. In order to maintain your health, both psychological and physical, you do not mind any means.

And remember, even if you don't feel for yours ex-partner nothing but dislike, this is no reason to sink to petty intrigues and lose feeling dignity... And if you are forced to live together, try to maintain the remnants of respect for each other and try to solve this problem together.

• Prepared by: psychologist-consultant (Russian State University for the Humanities, Moscow)

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Lovers strive to spend as much time as possible together, to get to know each other better. Counting on long-term relationship and, possibly, to create a family in the future, the couple often decides to join.

But is it worth living together before marriage, whether an officially unregistered union will bring benefits or harm to partners.

Positive aspects of cohabitation

Even in the recent past civil marriage was considered a sin. Only after that did the man and woman acquire the status of legal spouses.

Now no one is afraid of cohabitation before the wedding, but whether it is good or bad - opinions differ. V free relationship there are both positive and negative aspects.

How partners benefit from coexistence:

• checking the reciprocity of feelings;
• practice of solving everyday problems;
• day-to-day housekeeping;
• organization of leisure;
• acquisition of sexual experience;
• acquaintance with the morals and habits of each other;
• evaluation of the development of further relations.

If the "grinding" period is passed successfully, the likelihood of staying together increases. When something does not suit, people who are not bound by obligations simply disperse.

In a relationship that is not recorded on paper, a man is more interested. Officially, he is free, and at the same time he is always full, sexually satisfied, his shirt is clean and ironed.

Oddly enough, but positive sides this union for a man turns out to be negative for a woman.

Negative aspects of cohabitation

The girl is a romantic nature. From childhood dreams of magnificent wedding, beautiful dress, photo sessions and gifts. Of course, all this can be organized without signing, but this is not accepted.

The wedding ritual brings a certain line, clearly dividing life, into "before" and "after". Spouses feel responsible, morally tuned in to create a family.

A woman in cohabitation with her beloved strives for stability, wants to acquire her own cozy home, suburban area, children. This is where it comes into play. In the event of parting, when sharing the jointly acquired good, difficulties often arise.

Of course, not all the fair sex is seduced by the role of the uncomplaining keeper of the hearth. Often the priorities are career, travel, partying or material independence. The different goals of the partners are the cause of the conflict.

It would seem that nothing will seal the union of two hearts more reliably than the birth of a baby. Unfortunately, this is a great delusion. If a man is not mentally mature and ready for, the appearance of an unwanted child is more likely to lead to a break in relations. And all that remains is to hope for the decency of the frightened dad.

Good advice to women: please do not make the sole decision on procreation.

Life together is a "trap" of civil marriage

The girl wants to get married, but pride or well-established stereotypes make it difficult to talk or just hint to her beloved about her desire. She is waiting for an offer, trying to look good, keep fit, satisfy the needs of a man, proving that she is ready for the role of a legal wife.

A man sees and understands everything, but he is satisfied with a relationship without obligations. Perhaps he even fears that immediately after the wedding, the carriage will turn into a pumpkin, and the beautiful princess will turn into a mess.

Reasons for reluctance or inability to legitimize love affair lots of:

• young age;
• negative experience previous marriages or parents;
• superstition, fear, prejudice;
• independence, fear of responsibility;
• unwillingness of general publicity;
• disapproval by parents;
• financial difficulties;
• lack of confidence in their own or mutual feelings;
• danger of material (property) losses;
• infertility.

"Living together" is a probe, and this is how most men perceive informal relationships. The romance will go away, you want new sensations and impressions, and the “outdated element” is easily replaced.

It just so happened, society is much more stringent in assessing the moral and ethical way of life of a woman than a representative of the opposite sex. Illegal wife, mistress, concubine - epithets expressing condemnation and rejection of outsiders.

Legal marriage does not guarantee long-term happy family life, but the official status of the spouses is most preferable in legal, financial, psychological and moral aspects.

The opinion of psychologists

Psychologists believe that the weaker sex is emotionally vulnerable when the social status... The sidelong glances of acquaintances, pity married girlfriends, condemnation by parents is taken out of balance, cause nervousness and dissatisfaction with the current situation.

A woman feels like a cohabitant, especially in cohabitation on the territory or at the expense of a partner.

The concepts of "virginity" and "purity" are a thing of the past, but the historical memory of chastity and innocence lurked in the heads modern men. An easily accessible woman with the "rich" life experience difficult to perceive as an honest wife and a good mother.

Ladies decide on an unregistered relationship for fear of losing their loved one and being alone, which speaks of low self-esteem and insecurity.

When children are born to an unregistered couple, parents often reconsider their views on life and legitimize the relationship, because the grown-up child asks questions: why do mom and dad have different surnames, and how did I appear if there was no wedding?

It is not difficult to answer the kid, but you should not convince him of the impeccable correctness of the position taken. In our society, fortunately, they are still respectful of traditional values, and you should not impose your opinion about family and marriage on the future generation.

So that cohabitation does not drag on long years, but acquired the ability to switch to new level - official marriage, psychologists recommend that partners agree in advance on the period of cohabitation, after which and after mutual consent the parties must have a legal marriage ceremony.