John gottman, nan silver how to keep love in marriage. Psychologist john gottman on the secret to a successful relationship

22.04.2019

To my wife Julia, who really understands what trust is.

John

To my children, Will and Elizabeth.

Nan

What Makes Love Last?

How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal

John Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver

Author's note

The stories and dialogues presented in this book are based on Dr. Gottman's many years of experience studying and counseling couples. All names and personal details have been changed. Transcripts edited for brevity and clarity. Some stories feature collective imagery or fictional couples to illustrate Dr. Gottman's theory.

Introduction

Angel. I have to say that ...

George. Wait, I'm not done yet.

Angel. I want to say that…

George. Wait. What I'm talking about ...

Angel. Yes, I know, because I don’t ...

George. Do not interrupt.

Angel. I must say now that ...

George. No. Because when you interrupt me ...

Angel. Now I have to say ...

George. YES SHUT OFF ALREADY!

Angel and George are young spouses who combined work and raising two kids. This situation in itself can complicate relations in any marriage, but in in this case you don't need to be a certified psychologist to understand that your family is in trouble. The above dialogue is a fragment of an argument that happened between them in my science lab. They bickered endlessly over who worked harder, who did more housework, and who said what when. Like many spouses mired in a heap of problems, Angel and George did not fight to save their marriage and divorced. Such an ending was predictable, given how bad their relationship had already been. When I met them, they simply could not look at each other without angry grimaces.

Thanks to this research, which lasted almost four decades, a huge database was formed - how and what partners say to each other and about each other, what are their physiological reactions v different situations... I am currently conducting similar training sessions with non-research couples who wish to obtain a scientifically based assessment of the strength of their relationship.

When couples like Angel and George cross the threshold of the Love Lab, we connect them to so many sensors that it invariably evokes strong associations with Frankenstein. As they get used to living with equipment and a new environment, information begins to flow from their sensors, showing changes. blood pressure, heart rate, sweat rate, and even how often they change their position while sitting in a chair. A special video camera records all their words and body movements. On the other side of this one-way mirror, my assistants, surrounded by data prints and empty Coca-Cola cans, scrupulously examine the smallest interactions between biological reactions, body language, facial expressions, and the words spouses say.

Most of the time I run an experiment called "conflict discussion." We ask the spouses to discuss the subject of the disagreement within fifteen minutes. To make it easier to analyze the facial expressions of both, I aim a separate video camera at each to see the faces in real time on multiple screens.

I am no longer surprised when our charges relax and give free rein to negative emotions, despite the cameras turned on. Still, most people behave in a laboratory with more restraint than at home. But even when the spouses behave with an eye on the camera, they cannot hide the indicators that the sensors read from them.

Through careful analysis of relationships within many married couples over such a long time, I have formulated seven key principles that help make a marriage truly successful. These principles are described in my book The Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage, and among them are the friendship between partners, the degree of their influence on each other and the ability not to bring the matter to a quarrel if disagreements arise. This is the basis long-term relationship... Alas, the sad fate of couples like Angel and George has shown that following these principles alone is not enough to save unhappy marriages. It is difficult to accept the fact that for some reason these partners are not destined to find happiness in mutual love... To truly help broken families required understanding why their relationship was not working out.

What puzzled me most was that all families of this kind who participated in my research or who approached me for advice were sincerely confident in each other's love and treasured their relationship, even if, being in the Love Laboratory, they demanded from a partner “ shut up. " Why are spouses who proclaim loyalty to each other in a state of war? It doesn't make any sense. Their relationship gains nothing, and quarrels cause much more moral suffering than happy couples... Nevertheless, they continue to quarrel.

The simplest conclusion that could be drawn is not happy spouses quarrel more because they have more disagreements. Sounds logical. But if you approach this issue with scientific point view, it turns out that such "obvious" conclusions do not differ in accuracy. A computer scientist, Dr. Tara Madihastha, helped me find the answer. To study the anatomy of interactions between unhappy spouses, she used what are called hidden Markov models, a form of computer analysis often used to decipher languages or DNA sequencing that captures frequently recurring behaviors. The results showed that spouses who tend to treat each other as rivals rather than lovers are in a state of "all-consuming negativity." This means that the probability of getting into such a state is much higher than the possibility of getting out of it. In other words, they end up in vicious circle... Fueled exclusively by negative emotions, their relationship perishes.

At the heart of my latest research is the quest to understand why some spouses fall into a terrible trap, while others are able to get around it. As a result, I developed a new explanation of the spouses' behavior towards each other and an improved approach to improving matrimonial relations as such, not just those in crisis.

If you listened to what unhappy married couples say in my laboratory, you would be bombarded with complaints that seem to have nothing to do with each other. Tim is unhappy that Jane listens more to her mother than to his. Alexis does not want to have children, to the bewilderment and chagrin of her husband. Jimmy doesn't like that Pat wants to change his denomination. But when I talk with these people, I am amazed at one common, although not noticeable at first glance, feature in their manner of communication: they speak (or even shout!) Without hearing each other, or do not bother communicating at all. Despite their desire to end this style of relationship, they cannot do this, because they have lost the feeling that arises between people in love, which is called "magic" or "passion" and which exists on a primitive, "animal" level. Therefore, they find themselves in a kind of "bug" of relations.

Now I know that there is a "poison" that deprives spouses of this precious quality and plunges them into a state of incessant misfortune - a very dangerous pest that appears imperceptibly and undermines the foundations of even a seemingly stable relationship. It is often discovered too late. It may seem that I am arguing the obvious by calling this poison betrayal. Indeed, some of the harm they cause is visible to everyone: we constantly see catchy tabloid headlines about celebrities or politicians suffering from sex addiction and ruined family life... Cautionary stories about infidelity and dishonesty only underscore how mundane and destructive cheating can be. And yet I have good reason calling betrayal the hidden relationship killer. Infidelity is not always expressed in the form of physical betrayal. More often than not, it takes on a form that spouses do not consider to be infidelity. Once in my laboratory, they will insist that despite all the friction, they remain faithful to each other. And they will be wrong as betrayal is always at the core any unsuccessful marriage, even if the spouses do not notice it. If a husband prefers a career to a family relationship, this is a betrayal. If the wife is not going to have children, this is also a betrayal. Coldness, selfishness, injustice and other manifestations of destructive behavior also indicate disloyalty and can lead to consequences that are no less destructive for a marriage than adultery.

Despite how dangerous and pervasive betrayal is, I can offer spouses some hope. Considering the anatomy of this evil, I figured out how to defeat it. And now I know that there is the fundamental principle of a successful marriage, serving as a kind of antidote to infidelity. This principle - confidence. It may seem that I am again speaking banality. Happy married couples say that mutual trust empowers them to feel protected, deepens their feelings and allows their friendship to unfold more fully and sexual attraction to each other. Spouses, whose marriage does not work out, complain that their relationship is devoid of this element. But all families tend to view trust as an unmeasurable category. Nevertheless, it is now possible to calculate the level of trust and distrust of spouses to each other using mathematical methods and subject it to scientific analysis. This new analytical approach helps identify strengths and weak sides couples, develop strategies for rescuing the relationship of those who are better times, and keep others from aggravating relations.

In addition to building relationships between spouses, this new understanding of trust and betrayal will have undeniable cultural implications. Now it has become commonplace to complicate your life, bringing yourself to nervous breakdown... Email, mobile phones and the difficulties that we experience, combining the implementation of the most different responsibilities, make us vulnerable to all kinds of stress. Everyone has an individual degree of resistance to stress and overestimates it until he is on the verge of or falls into complete apathy. The internet, newspaper stands and bookstores are teeming with headlines like “Stress Treatment”. I believe that the main reliever of stress is trust.

People in relationships that are likely to be betrayed are wasting their time and emotional energy... Fearing adultery and other forms of infidelity, suspicious men and women behave like detectives or prosecutors, interrogating spouses and looking for evidence to support their lack of self-confidence. Decision making becomes tiresome on both sides: "If I leave, will he leave the kids with this unreliable nanny?" “If I look into her closet, will I find there new clothes bought by her for herself, despite our more than modest family budget? " Should I take the risk of ruining the relationship by checking if what he tells me about himself is true? One man, who suspected his wife of treason, one morning, leaving for work, marked the rear wheels of her car with chalk. Later, discovering that no traces of chalk were visible, and therefore the car had been used, he asked his wife if she had left the house that day. The woman, forgetting that in the morning she had to drive to the post office and back, answered "no", which caused a violent scene of jealousy, which put both on the brink of nervous exhaustion.

In contrast, trust deprives you of a huge source of stress by allowing operate only with the amount of information that you have. You do not need to condemn your body and soul to constant anxiety, and you become able to make more difficult and serious decisions. You do not need to leave chalk marks on the wheels of your spouse's car or otherwise check him. If you trust him a priori, you save a lot of time that you can spend on more pleasant or urgent concerns.

I always try my best to make the value of a long-term relationship more explicit and to help spouses come to truly happy and healthy relationships. But I still know that not every married couple can or should survive betrayal. Even when long term relationship stopped for a very good reason, a broken faith in love can be devastating. To continue moving through life, you need to realize and overcome this loss. If you are recovering from a breakup, the psychological findings and exercises below will offer a deeper understanding of what is in your previous relationship was not so, and will prepare for the beginning of new ones.

The ability to move forward after deeply traumatizing you is just as important as being able to make your marriage truly happy. If your relationship has failed, you may become afraid to trust someone else. Fear, in turn, can lead to loneliness, which has not only serious psychological, but also physical consequences... This book will help you "tune your personal radar" to recognize deception and develop qualities such as courage, willpower and wisdom to find worthy person you can trust.

Throughout my career, I have met skeptics who do not believe that something as mysterious and seemingly indefinable as love can be comprehended with the help of sensors, computers, video cameras and other laboratory equipment. Of course, scientists cannot create a love potion or find a one-size-fits-all solution. family problems... But I can to offer you advice based on objective evidence, not on assumptions or the subjective experience of a particular psychotherapist. Below are the results of my research. They show that the reasons a relationship is at risk of failing can seem as ephemeral as love itself. I hope you use my findings to protect your happy marriage or save your relationship if it is in danger.

1
Discussing the level of trust

You never know when a scientific insight will come. Watching the crime show on TV, I never imagined that I would exclaim: "Eureka!" In an episode of the Silent Witnesses that I watched, “ good guys»Prevented a terrorist attack after a mathematical genius collaborating with them developed a trust measurement system to calculate the level of loyalty among different people suspected of terrorism. The assumption that you can accurately calculate the credibility of potential terrorists has kept me busy throughout the twists and turns of the scenario. I suppose it was purely a figment of my imagination, but it seemed that the script was the fruit of the sophisticated minds of the scriptwriter and mathematician - the consultant for the show.

Then it occurred to me that received by me data can also be the key to developing confidence scales. Only not among violent extremists, but among spouses. Mathematical precision would allow me to confirm the theory that trust is the basis of love, and to carry out some laboratory research... I could then identify when the relationship begins to suffer from his absence, even if the spouses are not yet clear on this. I could develop a navigator so that happy spouses do not lose the joy that communication with each other gives them.

How often new discoveries are made in the scientific community, based on the work of predecessors. But in researching the phenomenon of trust, I could not count on the support of my more experienced colleagues, since there was no such kind of research carried out by mathematical methods. The spouses' level of loyalty to each other was not considered important enough to be the subject of intensive mathematical calculations. Most psychologists and other social scientists consider trust to be one of the many qualities that determine the strength of a relationship rather than its foundation. Some experts even consider trust to be a character trait that is either there or not. I do not support this point of view and I am sure that most married couples can increase the level of devotion to each other and resist betrayal, make their marriage truly happy and long.

I formulated my trust scale by analyzing the degree of loyalty of marriage partners in game theory terms. It is an approximation to mathematics that goes into the details of trust issues. But traditionally, the goals of this approach have not been to save the relationship between spouses. Game theory was popular during the Cold War, when analysts hoped that careful study of decision-making methods would make it possible to more accurately predict the behavior of warring parties during periods of confrontation. Game theory is based on mathematics, which was later shown by John von Neumann in his seminal work "Game Theory and Economic Behavior" 1
Von Neumann is the father of many ideas that have become part of our daily life, including computer programs, the so-called von Neumann architecture (the principle of joint storage of instructions and data in the computer memory). He also developed a charge for the nuclear bomb dropped on Nagasaki in 1945.

And Oscar Morgenstern. Today, mathematicians recognize the limitations of this theory, but its development led to Nobel prizes and inspired the generation of the Cold War to predict a future in which the merits of various diplomatic tactics will be calculated using computers. I doubt that the supporters of this theory could have foreseen how useful it would be for spouses who yearn for triumph in love, and not in war!

Shakespeare argued that the whole world is theater. For game theorists, the world is a stadium, and we are all players and confront each other on the football field, in war, or in a family squabble over unwashed dishes. At the same time, everyone adheres to certain rules, both officially established and not. By recognizing the rules, we also recognize that we are rational beings and strive to maximize our advantages - what game theorists define as gains.

The zero-sum game is probably the most famous concept in game theory. Its meaning is that each side wants to achieve the maximum win and not allow the opponent to achieve anything. Football is a classic example of a zero-sum game: for example, when the New York Jets wins, the New England Patriots loses. But opponents are not always interested in getting everything or nothing. For example, this approach to career growth in companies is irrational. Two office worker competing for the right to fill the same position are forced to work together in the best interest of the business, since its success is vital to both. In conflicts of this kind, each employee chooses a strategy that will increase the gains for both, or at least minimize their losses.

Most game theory scenarios assume that in order for one side to win the most, it must influence the actions of the other side. I will give specific example... Newlyweds Jenny and Al have just moved to own house and want to work out the best option separation of household duties hated by both. If we take game theory as a basis, it turns out that Jenny and Al do not initially trust each other, like the United States and the USSR. This is not such a bad comparison, as newlyweds tend to be wary of each other. Their relationship has not yet been tested by time, therefore, despite mutual loyalty, trust is still very fragile.

As rational gamblers, Jenny and Al know that there are four ways in which household chores can be assigned — either no one, both, or only one. Both want to choose the most profitable option - what is beneficial to the other is not a priority. Everyone is determined to maximize their benefits by not cleaning.

The table below shows Jenny's views. She considers four options and rates them on a scale from 1 to 10, depending on the degree of the win.

Jenny's wins

Since Jenny doesn't want the house to turn into a pigsty, she doesn't gain anything if no one does the cleaning, and she gives this option a zero. If only she cleans, she has to spend more time on what she hates, although in this case there is still a win (the cleaned house). This option gets 2 points. If only El removes - 4 points. Jenny knows that he will not clean very well, because she will not notice the dust and mess that her catches the eye. And yet she would prefer him to clean the kitchen table. The final version, when responsibilities are distributed between both, offers a result close to her ideas about household... He receives maximum amount points - 10.

What is the secret of a happy marriage? Psychologist John Gottman knows!

It is not true that a good deed is not called marriage. We are building this business ourselves, preening it, and periodically and passionately. And we usually go to a repair specialist somewhere in 6 years after it becomes urgently necessary to repair ...

So says John Gottman, himself a great specialist in fixing defective marriages and the founder of the whole Institute for Relationship Research. He developed a whole theory after 25 years of researching hundreds of married couples. What is separately valuable is that the psychologist is happily married for a long time. But it's not a matter of luck! After all, his previous union ended in divorce - and brought a lot of useful experience. So Gottman will not give bad advice! We outline his formula for a happy marriage and advice on how to send him in a happy direction;)

1. Friendship between M and F

It exists, yes. And she is not a hindrance to sex, and marriage! On the contrary, everything rests on her, as on the eldest of the whales. Both partners invest a certain common capital in the relationship: interests, emotions, plans, desires and hopes. If you have a p-r-grow to him, but you cannot laugh at something with enthusiasm in chorus, this is alarm bell... Because perversion comes and goes, but it can be revived. If you can communicate. And to communicate with an unfriendly individual - nafig need?

2. Vacuum cleaner as an aphrodisiac

A man helping out around the house makes his partner more attracted. This is because by this he seems to be saying to his beloved: relax, dear. I love you so much that for your sake I will even enter into an unequal battle with the trash can. It's cooler than getting a mammoth.

3. Return serve

In everyday life, we constantly turn to each other. And with important messages (“Imagine, they never paid me!”), And on trifles (“Oh, look what a cat!”). The reaction can be different: “Uh-huh”, “Don't bother me, I'm busy”, “Kitty? And “Inter” blew it! ” Or - you react fully: it doesn't matter what you say, but you pay attention, react vividly, “turn” to your partner. The more often this happens, the more chances you have to raise great-grandchildren together. All couples studied by Gottman, who "turned" to each other only in a third of the cases, divorced after a few years.

4. Kindness will save the marriage

This is not softness, not mimicry, not sentimentality. This is the ability not to jump on a corn and not finish off a lying person. Gottman believes that kindness is not a thing that either is or is not. What is it like muscles that need to be constantly trained. And they are the ones who will carry you into critical moment... And the most critical moment is, of course, conflicts. Surely, everyone observed that sometimes in difficult moment offended “bears” so that they simply cannot but humiliate, not insult unfairly, not shut up their ears for an apology. Well - so the ability not to do this should be trained on cats. That is, at medium-sized family showdowns.

5. Mistakes must be forgiven

If your partner got excited and said something stupid, what should be done? Attach with a frying pan ... that is, tell him that here he was wrong - and forget and forgive. Otherwise, a time bomb will form in you, which you then one fine moment will blow up on his head! Once again: forgive and let go. If it really was a rash stupidity. And not a systematic deliberate nastiness.

6. Decide cannot be accepted

Now, as it were, sad news. In principle, 69 percent of family problems cannot be resolved. Whether you smash against the wall or smash the faithful against it, some fundamental attitudes will not change. And if they pretend that they have changed, then it will be the same trauma ... or just an illusion. With some peculiarities, such as loose tubes or compulsive shopaholism, you just have to coexist. Well, or run away from them. It is important to clearly understand what exactly outweighs you.

7. Five to one

In each pair there are joys and nasty things. Compliments and name-calling. Pleasures and resentments. Pleasant memories and skeletons in the closet. So there you go!

The trick to a happy marriage is not that it has no downsides. And the fact is that for every minus there should be five pluses. One day of quarreling is five days of cooing. One thrown sock - a bouquet of five daisies. Etc. It's interesting to try to calculate the experiment for the sake of! ..

1. Do not hesitate to help The average couple, according to Gottman, even feeling that something has gone completely wrong, pulls with a hike to family psychologist... And he is about six years late. And it was possible to carry out MOT in time and happily steer further. 2. Filter the “bazaar”!

Even if the mind is outraged. Make an effort and do not remember the sins of seven years ago, do not mention painful flaws and do not call bad words. Breathe. In the end, throw a pillow. But don't cripple. 3. Look for constructiveness“How many times have I told you, you're just insane” - it serves to pour out anger and blow off steam. But not in any way in order to achieve the desired. Causes defensiveness and aggressive counter attack. Automatic and logical. “Listen, I need your help ...” And this is to actually solve the problem. 4. Try to meet halfway It is clear that giving up oneself, one's interests and one's life is not love, but one mania. But in not the most fundamental things (like: “Where will we spend Saturday evening- in a bar or at mom's ”) you still need to make concessions. Periodically. 5. Don't be afraid to demand respect

Not in the sense: "M-man, y-you ov-important-eat me?" And in the sense that if your self-esteem and self-esteem were walked with a shoe, it cannot be swallowed and forgotten. Will be worse. It is necessary to voice it. If a person accidentally - he will take into account. If he is a moral rapist, then no amount of advice on maintaining a marriage will help you. Into their furnace - and hands to feet. 6. Step forward and two steps back When arguing and conflicting, going on the offensive, do not forget to make “retreats”. Like: “I understand that you are not very comfortable with this”, “Sorry if it sounds harsh”, “I’m probably to blame here too.” This is not a contemptible weakness, this is psychological aikido. In the end, if passions have escalated so that no curtsies work, you can find an unexpectedly funny side as a reboot and neigh to defuse - or take a time-out to cool down. 7. Good - five times more! This is, perhaps, the most important commandment of Gottman to the mankind in love and building relationships. See point 7 of the formula for a happy marriage - and bring in as much good, pleasant, kind and eternal as you can. Then the volume of the “sun” will definitely exceed the volume of the “clouds” by five times. And you will be happy!

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Psychologist John Gottman loves to do a trick - by observing how a couple communicates with each other, he can predict with almost one hundred percent probability whether they will be happy together after years or their relationship has no future.

Psychologist John Gottman loves to do a trick - by observing how a couple communicate with each other, he can predict with almost one hundred percent probability whether they will be happy together after years or their relationship has no future. It sounds incredible, but Gottman has 40 years of scientific research behind him.

“Happy couples first of all see positive in each other, something for which you can say“ thank you ”, hug and just be glad that life has brought such wonderful person, Says Gottman. “They purposefully build relationships based on respect and gratitude. Unhappy couples, on the contrary, are always looking for something to find fault with in a partner, catch every mistake he or she makes. "

Gottman and his wife Julie, also a psychologist, are among the world's most renowned experts on marriage. Over the course of several decades, they have consulted thousands of couples and conducted hundreds of experiments to find out the secret of a happy marriage.

Most interesting experiment Gottman's name was "Laboratory of Love". The newlyweds were invited to the laboratory, connected to them electrodes and asked to tell about the history of their relationship - how they met, what caused the worst quarrel, what happy events life together most memorable. The researchers observed how they communicated with each other, and the electrodes measured the blood flow, heart rate and other physiological reactions of the participants. Then the newlyweds were sent home, and after six years they contacted them again to find out whether they were still together or not.

Based on the collected data, Gottman divided the pairs into two large groups:

Happy and Unhappy

The first managed to maintain a happy marriage six years later. The latter either parted or lived together, but suffered together. When the researchers analyzed the data, they saw a clear difference between the first and second groups.

Future unhappy couples looked calm as they talked about their relationship, but their reactions, measured by electrodes, suggested otherwise. Hearts were beating faster, they were sweating, the blood flow was fast. By all indications, their bodies worked in a primal response to fear - "fight or flight."

In other words, their body reacted to closeness and simple conversation with a loved one as if it had met face to face with a saber-toothed tiger. Even when they talked about pleasant or minor things in their relationship, they expected an attack from a partner or prepared to attack themselves. Gottman discovered a pattern: the more actively the bodies of partners in the laboratory reacted, the faster their relationship collapsed over time.

Couples who remained happily married after six years, on the contrary, showed low physiological stress from the very beginning. They felt calm and confident together, which was expressed in a careful, loving attitude to a partner even during a quarrel. The point is not that they have a better physiology, says Gottman, but that they are able to create an atmosphere of trust, warmth and love for each other. But how do they do it?

As Gottman found out, main reason divorce - contempt and disregard for a partner. Those of us who are looking for the slightest excuse to criticize and are not used to responding with respect to the requests of a partner, miss 50% of the positive things we do for them, and see negativity where there is none. They kill not only love, but in the literal sense of their beloved / beloved - constant criticism from the outside significant people weakens our immunity, the ability to fight viruses and cancer. Anger and indifference mean the death of a relationship.

On the contrary, kindness, cordiality, tenderness and attentiveness incredibly increase affection for each other, and over the years it only grows stronger. Research shows that kindness is the most important indicator stability of marriage... A kind attitude gives us the opportunity to feel loved - we are understood, appreciated, and taken care of.

You can think of kindness as a once and for all given character trait: you either have it or you don't. In fact, Gottman explains, kindness is built like a muscle - the more we exercise in it, the stronger it is. In other words, relationships need to be worked on to keep them in shape, which is what loving couples do.

Of course, the most difficult thing is to show kindness during quarrels and conflicts - but this is also the most important time in order to be kind. When we are experiencing a fall, our family should be a soft feather bed, into which it is not scary to fall. It's very easy to ruin a relationship with angry words.

“Being kind does not mean that we have to hide our anger,- explains Julie Gottman. - Rather, kindness tells you how to express it.... Instead of hurling insults at your partner, you can explain why you are hurt and angry. For example, instead of “What's the matter with you, I was late again! Poured out your mother! " you can say, "I hate to say this and I know it’s not your fault, but it really pisses me off that you’re late again."

It's not about gifts like a bouquet of flowers and a box chocolates, although they are good from time to time - but in the way we communicate with each other every day. One of the ways to practice being kind to each other is to actively look for an excuse to thank your loved one for something during the day and not focus on the negative ("Dirty dishes!" made a mistake. For example, a disgruntled wife may decide that her husband didn’t raise the toilet seat to annoy her, but in fact he’s just forgetting about it.

Another powerful way to strengthen a relationship is to share the joy of your partner. The problem with unhappy couples is often that they are unable to be happy for each other. "Imagine, I was promoted!" - "Uh-huh, great, I have to run." Being together and sharing the joy and success of a loved one is just as important as being close in times of trial.

Do you agree that the basis of love is kindness and you need to look at your partner through rose-colored glasses by all means? Or is working on relationships too much? published by

To my wife Julia, who really understands what trust is.

John

To my children, Will and Elizabeth.

What Makes Love Last?

How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal

John Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver

Introduction

Angel. I have to say that ...

George. Wait, I'm not done yet.

Angel. I want to say that…

George. Wait. What I'm talking about ...

Angel. Yes, I know, because I don’t ...

George. Do not interrupt.

Angel. I must say now that ...

George. No. Because when you interrupt me ...

Angel. Now I have to say ...

George. YES SHUT OFF ALREADY!

Angel and George are young spouses who combined work and raising two kids. This situation in itself can complicate relations in any marriage, but in this case you do not need to be a certified psychologist to understand: the family is in trouble. The above dialogue is a fragment of an argument that happened between them in my science lab. They bickered endlessly over who worked harder, who did more housework, and who said what when. Like many spouses mired in a heap of problems, Angel and George did not fight to save their marriage and divorced. Such an ending was predictable, given how bad their relationship had already been. When I met them, they simply could not look at each other without angry grimaces.

Over the years, I have invited spouses like Angel and George to take part in experiments that I conduct in my Love Lab, as the media dubbed the laboratory of the University of Washington in Seattle, where I have been doing research in the field of psychology for many years. ... My typical research is analyzing the behavior of married couples when they talk about daily activities and during fights. I talk with both spouses and each one individually; I observe couples who spend the whole day in a living room at the laboratory, where there is a sofa, a chaise longue, a TV, a kitchen, a lake view and video cameras on the walls that record everything that happens in the house (except for the bathroom, of course). Thanks to these studies, which lasted almost four decades, a huge database was formed - how and what partners say to each other and about each other, what are their physiological reactions in different situations. I am currently conducting similar training sessions with non-research couples who wish to obtain a scientifically based assessment of the strength of their relationship.

When couples like Angel and George cross the threshold of the Love Lab, we connect them to so many sensors that it invariably evokes strong associations with Frankenstein. As they get used to living with equipment and new environments, their sensors begin to receive information showing changes in blood pressure, heart rate, sweating levels, and even how often they change their position while sitting in a chair. A special video camera records all their words and body movements. On the other side of this one-way mirror, my assistants, surrounded by data prints and empty Coca-Cola cans, scrupulously examine the smallest interactions between biological reactions, body language, facial expressions, and the words spouses say.

Through careful analysis of relationships within many married couples over such a long time, I have formulated seven key principles that help make a marriage truly successful. These principles are described in my book The Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage, and among them are the friendship between partners, the degree of their influence on each other and the ability not to bring the matter to a quarrel if disagreements arise. This is the foundation of a long-term relationship. Alas, the sad fate of couples like Angel and George has shown that following these principles alone is not enough to save unhappy marriages. It is difficult to accept the fact that these partners, for some reason, are not destined to find happiness in mutual love. To truly help broken families required understanding why their relationship was not working out.

The simplest conclusion that could be drawn is that unhappy spouses fight more because they have more disagreements. Sounds logical. But if you approach this issue from a scientific point of view, it turns out that such "obvious" conclusions do not differ in accuracy. A computer scientist, Dr. Tara Madihastha, helped me find the answer. To study the anatomy of interactions between unhappy spouses, she used what are called hidden Markov models, a form of computer analysis often used to decipher languages or DNA sequencing that captures frequently recurring behaviors. The results showed that spouses who tend to treat each other as rivals rather than lovers are in a state of "all-consuming negativity." This means that the probability of getting into such a state is much higher than the possibility of getting out of it. In other words, they find themselves in a vicious circle. Fueled exclusively by negative emotions, their relationship perishes.

At the heart of my latest research is the quest to understand why some spouses fall into a terrible trap, while others are able to get around it. As a result, I developed a new explanation for the behavior of spouses in relation to each other and an improved approach to improving marital relations as such, and not just those in crisis.

Douglas Abrams, John Gottman, Julie Schwartz-Gottman, Rachel Abrams

Female. Guide for men

John gottman

Julie Schwartz Gottman

Douglas abrams

Rachel Carlton Abrams

THE MAN'S GUIDE TO WOMEN

Scientifically Proven Secrets from the “Love Lab” about what Women really want

Published with permission from RODALE INC. and Nova Littera SIA

Introduction

Secrets from the Love Lab

There is a very unfair rumor that men don't buy books.

If you are a representative of the stronger sex and bought (or took to read) this book yourself, congratulations! You are a real pioneer, a thunderstorm of stereotypes about men and in five minutes a hero who knows how to become the Dream of Any Woman. If this book was bought by your wife or girlfriend, it’s also not a problem: you didn’t have to spend your own money, earned by back-breaking work, on some book. And you will still be rewarded for the time you decide to spend reading this book, or rather, for the time you invest in it.

If you are a woman who has decided to read this book, we are glad for you. You can guess what motives are driving you. Perhaps, for the sake of fidelity, you yourself want to familiarize yourself with what is written here, and only then offer to read it to the man of your life (or brother, son, friend, neighbor, neighbor pet). However, no, perhaps we are not able to help the pet. We are glad to assure you that we have already performed preliminary testing for you: our guide for men is co-authored by two women, who are also highly qualified clinicians who, so to speak, have already scanned the contents with a sharp eye.

In addition, on behalf of the man of your life, we want to reveal to you one of his little secrets. In that endless, mysterious universe, whose name is Woman, he is lost, bewildered, but, like most of his companions, he prefers not to ask about the road. We do not criticize, we do not show disloyalty. Men admit it themselves. The woman is a mystery. (Friends, isn't that right?)

Your man desperately wants to figure out how to love you, how to make you happy, how to ensure that you always yearn for him, want him (and only him). He doesn't want to fight you at all - he likes the game much more. He wants to know how your mind works, what makes your heart beat faster, how to become for you who you need. So don't hesitate and read this book if you feel like it. But then be sure to give it to the man of your life, or better yet, convince him to buy his own copy.

Now for an emergency message! Men, you have the power to create and destroy relationships. Exactly. Studies show that whatever men do in intimate relationships is by and large the most important criterion by which you can distinguish between successful relationships and unsuccessful ones. This does not mean that a woman can sit idly by. And yet, scientific evidence confirms that it is a man's actions that represent a key component in determining success or failure. The irony is that most relationship books are written for women. This is very similar to the situation when a doctor proceeds to an operation on open heart, and then it turns out that the wrong patient was brought from the ward.

So don't complain about not knowing why they that is, women behave and think and speak in a way that is incomprehensible to you, and do not blame them for their own failures in relationships. In fact, it is your deeds and your thoughts play a dominant role. Bar racks around the globe are occupied by single men who sit in a crowd of similarly faceless loners, exchange shabby anecdotes and cannot understand why they are failing with women. We do not wish for you the same sad fate. No, we do not intend to explain to you why all the women in the world have gone crazy - we want to explain what your personal mistakes in the past may have been. In relationships with women, a man can play two roles: he is either a Hero or Zero without a wand. And we know which one is right for you.

But remember the ancient principle: Caveat emptor, or "Let the buyer be vigilant!" This is not a guide to getting a woman to bed. There are enough such books, and b O Most of them contain nothing but useless, fraudulent recommendations that will not help you build long-term and satisfying relationships. The book that you are now reading will certainly help you in seducing and satisfying the fair sex. But still the main objective that we set before ourselves - to help you achieve very, very long-term success in communication with women. According to one of our studies, men who are happy and healthy relationships, earn more, have more sex (yes, believe it or not, but married men tend to enjoy the best sex and in greater numbers than single men), live longer, suffer less from chronic diseases, and at the end of life - from cognitive disorders (that is, from problems with the mind). So it's up to you to use this book as you see fit - you can skip right to the story of how to get women to bed, skipping the chapters on romantic courtship and lining up. love relationship... But if you want to keep a woman, in her declining years not to be left alone and not wander around the neighborhood, forgetting where your home is, read how to understand the mind and heart of a woman and how to live a long life with her.

How simple it would be, there are special buttons in nature: pressed - and it your heart... Alas, no. A woman is a complex creature. All women are different, which is why we admire them so much. Our book will help you figure out how to overcome the routine and misunderstandings that so often lead to the collapse of relationships. We know, what means more to women and what what they want most from men. Read this guide and we promise that you can forge a relationship that both you and her will be more comfortable with.

How do we know this?

John Gottman, PhD, is known for his 94 percent accuracy in predicting divorce prospects for married couples. And the main source of his knowledge is the scientific laboratory.

John is a researcher and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz, is a clinical psychologist. They work together to strengthen the relationship between married couples on our planet. Doug and Rachel are co-authors of international bestselling books on intimacy and passion. In addition, Rachel is a physician and her clinical experience and medical practice has helped many women and men to heal body and soul.

John is a world-class leading researcher in the field of family relations, and besides, he is on own experience experienced the devastating effects of failure with women - before meeting Julie, of course. We would like to be clear right away: John's story and his relationship with women is like a battlefield strewn with the remains of lost romances. Doug was not born Don Juan either, although he wrote a book about this famous seducer, which has been translated into many languages and is popular all over the world.

But if neither John nor Doug received the blessed gift of understanding the fair sex from birth, how did they manage to preserve happy marriages with amazing women - one over 30 and the other over 29?

We have to declare: these two are not gurus at all love affairs... Everything they know about women, they learned the hard way- John, for example, spent 40 years studying the lives of real married couples.

The guidance provided on these pages is based on real-life research and life relationships - good, bad, and great. B O Most of this information is unknown to the world of clinical science. In years past, relationship-related clinical professionals have only had the opportunity to observe unsuccessful couples, so their ideas of what the relationship should be like. happy relationship relied on fantasy. These experts had no idea how men in truly happy and wonderful relationships relate to their partners. We have.

Author's note

Introduction

1Discussing the level of trust

What is the secret of a happy marriage? Psychologist John Gottman knows!

It is not true that a good deed is not called marriage. We are building this business ourselves, preening it, and periodically and passionately. And we usually go to a repair specialist somewhere in 6 years after it becomes urgently necessary to repair ...

1. Friendship between M and F

2. Vacuum cleaner as an aphrodisiac

3. Return serve

4. Kindness will save the marriage

5. Mistakes must be forgiven

6. Decide cannot be accepted

7. Five to one

1
Discussing the level of trust