Teenage complexes: how to help a child fall in love with his appearance? How I changed my attitude towards my appearance

Many people have a standard of beauty that they want to meet. The cult of beauty has a strong effect on the psyche of adolescents, causing them to be dissatisfied with their appearance. Negative attitude to himself develops into an inferiority complex, traumatizing the psyche and leaving an imprint on relationships with peers. The reasons for the appearance of complexes and options for getting rid of them tried to figure out “I am a Parent”.

Why do complexes appear?

Adolescence is a stressful time. He is associated with the strong physiological changes, causing change appearance. This does not always suit teenagers. Most often they do not accept their appearance. And is it possible to be satisfied if she constantly prepares surprises: the size of the legs changes, the breast grows (or does not grow), the volume of the hips increases, acne appears. The body is elongated, becomes somewhat shapeless or, on the contrary, overgrown with excessive roundness that attracts the eye. The face also changes: the nose becomes longer or wider, the eyebrows become thicker, hairs begin to break through locally. Children do not have time to get used to similar changes, reject them and become discouraged.

This is exacerbated by the fact that psychological characteristics teenagers tend to find an ideal for themselves - for example, in the face of a star. At the same time, the person on the cover, of course, is strikingly different from the teenager himself.

Adolescents' fears about their own unattractiveness are confirmed by the fact that a member of the opposite sex who likes does not pay attention - he is in love with a school star with long legs or broad shoulders respectively.

Teenagers are generally prone to self-criticism. They know how to find flaws even where there are practically none, while clearly exaggerating their significance, and become categorically dissatisfied with their appearance.

Of course, by watching, you can reassure yourself that this will pass: all girls and boys go through such a period. But we must not forget that, unfortunately, not everyone can cope with it. Therefore, teenage complexes sometimes develop into a pathological rejection of one's own appearance - dysmorphia.

But even if we dismiss the possibility of mental disorder, one cannot but recognize the fact that the complexes leave a strong negative imprint on the life of a teenager, causing a whole spectrum related problems in learning and communication.

When should you sound the alarm?

Teenagers are a special category of people: they are rather secretive and withdrawn, they do not want to discuss their problems, especially with their parents. Firstly, adolescents are not sure of the sincerity of their relatives, knowing in advance that their parents will convince them otherwise, and secondly, they no longer recognize the authority of their parents as indisputable. Often they are guided by the opinion of their peers or the canons of fashion.

However, it is the parents who are most likely to notice complexes in a teenager in a timely manner and help to cope with them.

First of all, you need to state the existence of a problem. Moms and dads should be on their guard in the following cases:

• The child refuses to be photographed or tries to stand behind peers in the photographs.
• A teenager avoids looking in the mirror or, conversely, looks at himself for a long time without apparent satisfaction.
• He often touches his face with his hands.
• Starts wearing things to hide his flaws.
• A teenager very often pays attention to certain elements of appearance in other people (nose, chest, height, legs, etc.).
• The child shows signs of depression: refusal to eat, sleep disturbance, apathy, unwillingness to communicate with friends.

How to help a teenager get rid of complexes?

Of course, children's discontent may seem ridiculous to adults. own appearance. It seems obvious to moms and dads that their child is in such young age looks charming. The trouble is that teenage children do not hear us, even if we try to explain their delusion. Therefore, it is necessary to act gradually, with understanding and tact.

Be patient. Adolescence will inevitably come to an end, passing from stage to stage. On one of them, parental authority will begin to return.

Watch for changes in your child's behavior. Even if you think that you know everything about the child, observe his behavior in different situations. So you can understand the fears and worries of a son or daughter.

Become an interesting conversationalist. Talk about your childhood experiences, secret about your girlfriends, friends and even celebrities - Hollywood stars can present a range of stories for all occasions. Let your stories be funny and funny.

Focus on the positives without mentioning the negatives. Talk to your teenager about his strengths. Find leverage to boost your self-esteem.

Transfer the child's excessive attention to appearance to something else. The purchase of a subscription to water aerobics works well, the purchase pet or the desired sports bike.

Take your teen's problems seriously. Pick up cosmetics for the face together (if that's the case), seek the advice of a specialist, explore the Internet for a problem. The teenager should feel your sincere interest.

Notice any positive changes in your appearance. Help your child to believe in himself.

Often teenage problems pass into adults, interfering with self-realization in the personal and professional spheres. Teach your child who he is. Prove to him the importance of other aspects of personality with an example successful people. Become a friend and helper in everything: in choosing cosmetics and clothes, healthy eating and doing sports. Be careful and patient.

Svetlana Sadova

Wear clothes that make you feel confident. Research has proven that the clothes we wear affect our self-esteem. For example, a superhero costume enhances self-confidence and makes you feel stronger, while clothes white color helps people make decisions faster. There is evidence that women perform better on a math test when they are wearing a sweater than when they are wearing a swimsuit.

Wear clothes that flatter your figure. Choose clothes that you like in the reflection in the mirror. Clothing should fit your body type, in addition, great importance have accessories that emphasize your dignity. There is no one perfect body type, but there are clothes that look good or bad on the figure certain type. Clothing that is properly tailored to the figure usually looks great on a person.

We constantly worry about extra kilos grams, gray hair, first wrinkles, pimples, short legs, small breasts and so on ad infinitum. And even the most scary man quite calmly refers to his reflection in the mirror, and, perhaps, even considers himself Apollo. Why is that?

It's all about psychology psychological differences. Well, look, the most early childhood. Fairy tales. What about in fairy tales? beautiful, unearthly beauty princess and strong, brave prince or knight. That is, even in fairy tales in a veiled form it is said that the prince can be ugly, because strength and courage are much more important. And besides everything else, often parents themselves can give up on their son - they get dirty, it’s not scary, it’s not a girl. Or here's a common phrase - "scars - the best decoration men". And the girl, on the contrary, is told from childhood to take care of herself - “You are our princess!”

So the girls have been trying to be princesses since childhood: first they do like their mother, then they overtake their mother. First they worry that they look too young, then they worry that they look too old. First, they worry about pimples and rush time so that they disappear as soon as possible, then they try to stop time in order to avoid wrinkles and gray hair. First they wait for the breasts to grow, and then they struggle to keep their shape and size at the highest level.

And what sacrifices do women make for the sake of beauty: they increase their nails, hair, pluck their eyebrows, do depilation, and some even plastic surgery are solved! And all - for the sake of cherished beauty and male admiration. What about men? Crooked legs are not a problem, but they are not "women's". Baldhead - yes, even more solid and erotic. Small dick - small and daring! Agree, now, after all, not every man even shaves every day in the morning, not to mention the evening. And for some reason, male gray hair is always “impressive”, don’t you think?

And only the most brave woman dares to walk with unshaven legs without complexes. Although it will be more of a challenge to society than complete satisfaction with your body. Tell me, is there at least one of you who is completely, 100% satisfied with her appearance? I'm willing to bet not.

I myself, who receives several compliments every day different men, I suffer terribly about the shape of the nose and abdomen (by the way, the latter is a congenital feature and is not corrected by any exercises on the press). And I’m also enraged by pimples that appear on the eve of “women’s” days, and the first grey hair from 19 years old. But at the same time, I'm 45 kg., And I look not at 25, but at a maximum of 20. But I'm still unhappy!

About the attitude to my appearance, I specifically gave a choice not just from “beautiful / pretty / ugly”, but tied the options to “majority”. Because the words themselves don't mean anything. For example, "pretty" might include 100% women. The vast majority of women are really pretty. People are generally okay, quite acceptable. And gradations are clarified only in comparison.

My light, mirror, tell me

I had absolutely no doubt that the most popular answer to the first question would be "above the majority." And she also had no doubt that there would immediately be whistleblowers pointing to the theoretical impossibility of such results. Of course, 70% can never be better than most, but for a normal, healthy person it's only natural to think of yourself as slightly better than "average". This is demonstrated by any polls on any topic. undeniable beautiful people know about it, and vote accordingly. And everyone else chooses the healthiest option. Therefore, revealing ardor is completely inappropriate here. A healthy psyche is very adorning, if you put the question that way.

Husband thinks I'm beautiful

And the fact that women think that their husbands consider them very beautiful? Isn't it okay? First, people find each other in accordance with their ideas about. And secondly, the Mere Exposure‎ effect has long been known in neuropsychology: people like everything that is familiar. A lot of advertising, election campaigns and so on are based on this fact known to science. Whatever is shown to a person, gradually he begins to like it. And this is especially true for faces. You know how often they say: "I met X, at first he seemed very unsympathetic to me, but when I got to know him better, his charm, intelligence, kindness made him beautiful in my eyes." So the truth is that even without mind and kindness, faces that are unpleasant at first cease to cause negative feelings over time.

Make yourself better

And I did not understand the ridicule of those wishing to improve their appearance. This desire does not contradict a positive assessment of oneself. Moreover, when I meet a woman who is obsessed with self-improvement, she is almost always a beauty. Not “pretty”, not “ordinary”, but beautiful. Because the stakes are very high for her. Appearance is her trump card and she will take care of herself like the apple of her eye.

Yulia Arbatskaya, editor of Lady Mail.Ru, tells her story and argues that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And that, successfully reflected in another person, you can greatly change your opinion about your own appearance.

As you know, a child's self-esteem is formed on the basis of the opinion of his parents. About what he is - quick-witted or slow-witted, handsome or smart, neat or slovenly - first of all, he learns based on the assessments of mom or dad.

The perception of one's talents, skills and appearance is laid from childhood in the family. I grew up, supported by my mother's flattering assessments. Therefore, by the age of 8-9, when I began to think at least a little, I already knew: I am a diligent, serious girl beyond her years with blond curls, amazing blue eyes And humanitarian warehouse mind.

And they also told me that I was not like everyone else: my mother did her best for this - she sewed herself, knitted dresses and suits for me. She said: “No one will have this!” And I used to consider myself special. Well, at least I always tried to look different than everyone who dressed at the flea market, because the unusual has become part of my identity.

As a child, I wore sweaters and dresses knitted and sewn by my mother.

With this wonderful feeling own uniqueness I entered teenage years. And immediately faced with the fact that self-perception is influenced by all sorts of standards of beauty. Then, in the early 2000s glossy magazines and television broadcast a certain stereotype, under which I did not fall in any way. Against the background of sun-fried to the state of chicken-grilled pop stars, my pale skin looked miserable and slightly blue.

I remember that up to the age of 20 I tried to squeeze the maximum out of the short Siberian summer: I tanned myself to burns, despising sunscreens. Then she fanatically peeled off the peeling skin and sighed in despair: the desired golden hue never showed up. The solarium did not help, made it worse.

Self-tanning saved the situation a little: it allowed me to feel at least a little more “normal”. But now, looking at my photos of 13 years ago, I can’t help laughing: from there, a girl is looking at me, through her sloppy yellow spots the smug expression of a beauty queen appears on her face.

In the early 2000s, getting beautiful was easy: you just had to add a little self-tanner.

And yet, the opinion of close people greatly helps to despise the generally accepted canons of beauty. My then-husband made it clear to me in every way that I had beautiful shape nails and I don't need 5cm acrylic tips. That my pale skin looks aristocratic and, most importantly, soft to the touch. That I'm beautiful the way nature made me.

And when we had the opportunity to travel the world, I realized that once in a different culture, you can completely change the idea of ​​\u200b\u200bits appearance.

For example, in Thailand you can feel like a top model: quite an average Russian 172 cm tall raised me above the one and a half meter Thais, attracting attention. Yet again porcelain skin which had to be sheltered from the scorching sun wide-brimmed hats and tunics with long sleeves, caused a stir: the inhabitants of the island of Koh Chang ran to look at this marvel, some even took pictures.

Only in 2012 it dawned on me that pale skin is also beautiful

In Europe, an area of ​​victorious equality, I, like any Russian, have always looked more advantageous against the background of “body-positive” Italians, Germans and French women. Still: I then went in for swimming, ran regularly and "ate right." I had great shape And complete absence cellulite. This is because in Russia the requirements for appearance over time, they became even tougher: a couple of extra kilos, and now you are already a lazy fat woman, worthy of only contempt.

By the way, despite all the efforts, it has always been difficult for me to feel beautiful and desirable while living in Moscow. If you wear jeans, sneakers, a T-shirt (however creative), you are invisible to men. And for women - an individual who despised his own feminine essence, immuring her in normcore. And that means an asexual misunderstanding, not a woman.

For a while, I suffered from the fact that society imposes standards that, like it or not, must be met. And then I read from the psychologist Irina Chesnova, our permanent author, the following thought: “There is no such thing as a “pressing society”. There are our complicated relationship with internal and external figures to whom we have appropriated too much power, whose opinion for some reason we put above our own. And we are trying to match it. Although it would be much more correct to focus on your inner life code.

So instead of suffering from mismatching magazine cover models, it's probably better to go ahead and create your own internal code. Including about appearance: how you want to look in order to consider yourself beautiful!

Convenience is the main criterion beautiful clothes for me now

Personally, over time, I formed a picture. To be beautiful means to be relatively healthy. Wear clean clothes that are comfortable in the first place. Always have clean hair and styling. Choose a perfume according to your mood. Wear original accessories, bought on trips and reminiscent of a vacation. Walking without make-up when that very mood is disgusting: because the feeling tonal means and mascara on the skin fetters, does not allow, for example, to rub your eyes and relax.

And most importantly - do not put someone else's opinion above your own. You never know who thinks that I should walk in high heels and weigh 10 kilograms less.

Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But everyone can surround himself with people who see dignity in him. And everyone can learn to look with love at himself.