Children not brought up what to do. An ill-bred child: signs, reasons. How to raise a child? An ill-bred child: signs

Yesterday in the locker room of the pool I dry my daughter's hair with a hairdryer, a wet boy of about 5 in wet swimming trunks comes up from behind and hugs me from behind. I was embarrassed, giggled, child, what to take from him.

I decided to distract the child so that he would come off me, asked the platitudes: what is the name, how old, etc. The boy begins to giggle, grimace and does not answer any of my questions, rushes around the locker room, knocking everything in his path. Looking for the boy's mom. She sits and touches her son, while her son comes up for the second (!) Time and tries to hug me from behind. I said nothing, because raising someone else's child is not part of my responsibilities and just walked away from him. I asked my mother how old the child was, heard that it was five years old and noticed a clear satisfaction from the child's behavior. It was useless to talk further. The child allowed his mother to comprehend Zen and not notice everyone around. Fortunately, they soon began training and left the locker room.
If my daughter in wet swimming trunks hugged an unfamiliar aunt twice, coming up to her from behind, would not answer the question about the name and age, I would have burned out with shame and would have immediately made a remark, and at home I would have punished this at all, but I certainly would not have smirked.

Why does everything go down like this to modern children? Previously, there was a patriarchy orientation towards parents, towards the opinion of the older generation. Now the child is the center of the family, everyone is happy about his appearance, everyone is waiting for him. Perhaps this is due to late marriages, difficulties in conception, with long-awaited pregnancy, late children.
Our society has never been so child-centered as it is now. During my childhood, patriarchy prevailed with respect for elders and their interests. Now everything is for children: early development, early sport, decree up to three years, children's animators, children's shows, children's menu in restaurants, graduation (!) in kindergarten, children's fashion, children's gadgets and so on ...
Psychologists completely reject the centuries-old system of punishment, especially physical. They instill in us the Western model of parenting. One must see a personality in a child, one must communicate with him on an equal footing. The child cannot be pampered. You need to negotiate with the child. Did your child break a vase? You are to blame, you left her there, and the child explores the world like that! You must tell him: "I love you anyway, you are still good, it's okay." If I broke the vase, I would have listened so much from my mother, I would have stood in the corner for so many years, I would have remembered this unfortunate vase for so many years that modern children never dreamed of ...
As a result, the child, spoiled by attention and gifts, begins to think that the whole world owes him. And such mothers, like the one I saw in the pool, believes that those around them should be touched by her ill-bred child and her upbringing methods.

Uff ... don't even know where to start.

In general, my daughter and I were in the hospital with a sore throat. The department, respectively, is infectious. But we are talking about something else. About raising children, about the attitude of other mothers to other people's children. I want to say right away that not all of them are the same as I will describe. There were also a couple of adequate mothers.

I will describe for a start these unfortunate mothers. The view is scourged, unkempt. Moreover, I do not mean manicure, pedicure and other similar delights (although it would not hurt them to look at their hands). Clothing. A well-worn sports leotard that has already forgotten what washing is; rubber slippers, slippers, also unseen by soap since the time of Tsar Pea; oversized T-shirts, also dirty, greasy. Hair, the same dirty, knotted into icicles, clumped together, apparently, so that it would not be so scary to live on the head of your unlucky mistress. Like in a cartoon: "Let's be afraid together." Yes, yes, yes, I admit that everyone's income is different and everyone looks as much as they can afford. But, sorry. Is it really so hard to buy the most regular powder... Incidentally, it is called "Usual", or household soap. These mothers have children in similar condition... Dirty, unkempt, ill-mannered. Education is disgusting, but more on that later. But, the names of these children are fabulous: Milana, Diana, Leah, Karina, Alisa, Zlata. I have nothing against these names, well, just ... although, you yourself will understand further. I'm embarrassed to ask, this is where all the beauty ended? Named glamorous, but who will educate? So we came smoothly to the topic of education.

These children are screaming around the clock. Their mothers absolutely do not care that they are not alone in the hospital, and, yes, that they are in the hospital, and not on the playground, they also deeply care about us ... In an amicable way, all these Leahs and Milans would have to kick up the ass once, so that they would calm down and go to the corner for an hour, facing the wall. As I already wrote, we were lying with a sore throat. My daughter really couldn't eat, she wanted to, but it hurt to swallow. It is an adult who understands what is needed, otherwise the body will not have the strength to fight this byaka. How to explain this to a 7-month-old baby? He tried to eat, he was in pain and in no more spoonful of porridge, mashed potatoes, etc. will not let him in his mouth. A cloaked, tired, sick child who has a throat pain around the clock. He really can't sleep, but only because he is exhausted and exhausted. So my girl will get out of it in a few hours, she will fall asleep. And then these ill-mannered idiots. She left the ward and asked in an amicable way that let your daughter not run and squeak at the entire department now, at least while mine was asleep (not to mention the regime and silence in the HOSPITAL (!!!)) - she needs that hour -two. To which an immediate response followed: “And what about us now to sit in the ward and not do anything? You are not alone here. " This was said with such a collision, as if I asked them not to breathe. Then I tore: “That's right, that YOU are not alone here, you are not on the street, but in the hospital! And besides you, there are children here who need peace! " they looked at me, as at G., saying "We are bored in the ward, that the child should miss CHO?" I tried my best. V again left the ward with a child in her arms and, with a similar to her previous statement, a collision began to present this "unflattering" madame in all respects. Do you think it had an effect? Ha! It was not so. This mother could only, raising her voice slightly, exclaim to ostentatious glamor: “Milana, what are you doing? Quiet! Let's go OTTUDAWAa. ”And this crazy young girl sneezed at her mother from the top shelf and continues to rush on and yell like crazy. To be honest, the remark to the child was made only so that I fell behind. This Milana doesn't give a shit about her mother, just like this mother doesn't give a fuck about other kids. For sick children. The only good news is that in a couple of years it will come back to haunt her when grown daughter will not put his mom in anything. And so it will be. And I will not hide, I am incredibly happy about this. For according to merit. Doctors don't care, nurses don't care. And only from time to time the cleaning lady threatened with a "mop on ***" ...

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I have no children, but I love potryndet, so right now I will talk about ill-bred children and theirs at all the parents who close their eyes.
I will not repeat the platitudes that indulge children in everything is a big educational error that parents will burn out on this, that their bad children should not become the problem of other people - this is clear to everyone.
What interests me is: why do people consider themselves entitled to be righteously angry when they are told that their child is interfering with someone and, in general, is behaving disgustingly?
That is, if a person is told that he parked the car incorrectly, so that it bothers everyone, then he (if he is not the last boor, of course) will apologize and put it in a different way.
But if you tell him that his child has already bored everyone, will he rise up with righteous anger?
I tried on myself different situations, in which I would also be aflame with anger, and came to the conclusion that I would react in about the same way if, for example, I would be required to dress not as I like, but as someone else considers it necessary. That is why, by the way, I do not go to church. I will not go to a place where a dress code is indicated to me without providing it with any arguments.
The point here is not in the clothes themselves and their special inviolability for me. Clothes are a part of me. I chose it, I bought it, I love it, I wear it. And if someone decides that he has the right to demand from me to dress like this, and not otherwise, he must very well justify his demands. Maybe even for this to be some recognized authority in the fashion world or something like that.
At the same time, I clearly understand that clothing has a function of expediency. And to come to work in an evening dress is, to say the least, stupid. There are places where Evening Dress (sport suit, home bathrobe etc.) it is undesirable or simply impossible to wear. No, that is, of course, you can. Death penalty it is not required for this. But you will create problems with it. The fact that you yourself will look like a fool is, of course, your difficulties. It's okay. But you can create problems for others. With clothes, of course, it is difficult to come up with such an example. Usually, even the most ridiculous clothes do not bother others. But anyway. For example, I'll put on a crinoline and an open-brimmed hat and climb into a crowded bus with it all. Here, not only inappropriateness, but also the inconvenience to others begins. In Soviet cinemas, I even remember that there was a rule that ladies should take off their hats there.
The same situation is with the people with children.
If someone points out to them that they do not like their child and that he needs to be "re-educated", then he should very well argue his words. Maybe even to be a luminary in psychology for this or something like that. At the same time, many parents clearly understand that there are places where it is undesirable or simply impossible to take children with them. Or like this: there are ways of behavior that are unacceptable in some places. For example, while sitting in a concert hall, you cannot shout during a performance.
Problems arise when the parent no longer understands this.
They completely forget that there are situations (and quite often) when a child may not only be inappropriate and undesirable, he can incredibly interfere with other people.
They climb in a crinoline and a hat with ostrich feathers on a crowded bus and are terribly offended that they are being told about their clothes. This is what it looks like.
At the same time, they do not notice that they are scolded not for the crinoline and feathers (yes, go, even in knightly armor!), But for the inconvenience caused. And it is impossible to explain it to them. "In what I want, in that I go!" They shout in righteous anger. And they are right! Of course, a person can dress as he pleases. But, I repeat, no one blames them for their choice. Wear whatever you want - this is your sacred right. BUT! Only until the moment when it does not bother anyone.
Probably, being able to make this distinction is very important when communicating with crazy parents who do not see at close range that their precious children are just evil little animals that are not attractive to anyone except them.
The commonality between children and clothes here is that both, as I have already mentioned, are a kind of "part of me." If someone doesn’t like my clothes or my child, then they don’t like me, which means that this is my enemy. Like that.
Now I will not talk about whether this is right or wrong. This is the subject of a separate big conversation. But this is how most people seem to perceive these things, and I proceed from that.
Now let's move on to real problem... Have a girlfriend, good man who has done a lot of good for you and is her disgusting child, whose company is impossible to endure, but whom the friend, of course, blindly adores and does not see any shortcomings, or sees, but does not fight with them, because "this is just a child" or because that "you see, he does not listen to me."
Now let's imagine that I have a friend who smokes, and I can't stand smoke. What am I doing? I do not advise him to quit smoking (this is his choice), but I do not allow him to smoke in my presence. If he can't stand it, then we part. We only talk until he lights up. Everything is fine? Of course.
Now we need to transfer this situation to mothers with children.
I will not advise her to change the methods of education (although, in fact, this can be very strongly opposed, but more on that another time), but I will not allow the child to behave like a beast in my presence. If the child cannot restrain himself, we part. We communicate only as long as the child behaves like a person.
Everything is fine? Of course. It should be at least. The problem is usually that the mother is terribly offended (she confuses crinoline with the inconvenience it causes). And we must somehow explain to her that the inconveniences caused by her child are in no way connected with the rejection of her or her child. You are not satisfied with the effect produced (noise, various injuries caused by the child), but not the child himself. As soon as the child stops doing what bothers you, you will immediately be happy to resume communication with him. And don't let her knock you off the rails with screams or insults. I love you both. And you and your child. But while he does what I don't like (offends my child; makes noise; pinches; vomits in my car when he gets seasick; has the flu and can infect my child, etc.) - I have to (I'm really sorry, honest word) while (temporarily! until the situation is corrected!) distance from you. Sorry.
This is how it should be all right. I think.

Known what to give a child good upbringing- not an easy task. But is it really that important? What happens if parents were unable to explain to children the basic rules of decency, as well as instill the basics good behavior and respect for other people?

How does an ill-bred child manifest himself? Where is the line between lack of upbringing and childlike spontaneity? According to French psychologist Christine Brunet, good upbringing is not the most important thing for a child's survival in the world.

However, politeness contributes to the development of self-confidence and a sense of self-protection. Knowing the rules good taste Is a valuable tool for managing your life, and correct upbringing- This is, first of all, the ability to behave with other people, which allows you to form awareness and respect for others.

But why should a child be educated? According to Christine Brunet, firstly, good upbringing allows children to feel good in any situation, not to be shy and not feel ashamed for no apparent reason. Secondly, upbringing implies prohibitions on the part of parents on some behavior, words and gestures of children.

These inhibitions are very important for the child because they allow him to grow. Condescension and indulgence prevent the child from abandoning his childish omnipotence, from the illusion that he can do whatever he wants.

Christine Brunet argues that without knowing the rules and boundaries, it is difficult for a child to find his place in society. For example, if a child tries to communicate with adults as with his peers, it means that he will experience certain difficulties in understanding the situation.

If the child is forgiven all the whims, it will be difficult for him to learn how to manage his emotions and get correct representation about the boundaries of what is permitted and the limits of decency.

What does "ill-bred child" mean?

According to Christine Brunet, an ill-bred child can, without asking permission, take objects that do not belong to him, enter without warning into parent's bedroom or to the bathroom, to answer questions instead of adults, not to pay attention to parents and people around ...

To better explain the concept of "ill-bred child," the French psychoanalyst Claude Almos gives the following example:

Evening bus at rush hour, packed with people. Young people sit comfortably, pensioners ride while standing. Ordinary savagery. In the back of the bus, a little girl, three or four years old, is reclining on two seats. Even at three.

Since this space seemed to her insufficient, she put her feet (in wet boots) on the opposite seat. Her mother, standing in the aisle, not only says nothing, but admires her daughter enthusiastically.

The situation is so absurd, so absurd that one would expect objections from the people around him. However, no one intervenes. As if everyone was overtaken by a sharp decline in strength, the passengers were immobilized by their helplessness ...

But why was it that none of the passengers on the bus was able to reprimand this girl, although no one justified her actions? What scares people in these situations? Is it really a four-year-old baby?

Oddly enough, Claude Almos argues that, most likely, this is indeed the case. However, it is not the child himself who makes us silent, but what he shows by his behavior.

According to Claude Almos, an ill-bred child, in his attitude to others, embodies the denial of two fundamentally important concepts: the existence of another person (other people) and the existence of rules of life, which, in one way or another, serve us as a compass.

The child on the bus took not even one seat, but three. And it is obvious that if the girl could take five places, she would do it. She put herself (without knowing it) at the "center of the universe", at the head of everything and everyone.

The illusion of absolute omnipotence, the desire for life to be aimed only at seeking pleasure, appears in a baby at the very beginning of life, and we all went through this stage of development. We all had to (by no means painlessly) refuse it.

To understand reality, as well as the rules by which it is arranged, and these damned "others" whose existence compels us to do not only what we want, when we want and how we want.

Meanwhile, on that bus, we were faced with a power grab that took us back to the lost paradise of our first months: the seizure of power through what Freud calls the "pleasure principle."

The takeover of power is mesmerizing (this little girl dared to do what we are no longer capable of ... what a power!) And at the same time terrifying. Because the framework of decency, to some extent constraining us, at the same time gives us protection, and we understand this.

At the same time, the mother's behavior strengthens the child's seizure of power: the parent not only allows his daughter to behave inappropriately, but also “introduces” his child to society under the slogan “to love the child is to allow him everything”. Claude Almos considers this a gross mistake.

Using the example of a bus, Claude Almos clearly shows that politeness and good upbringing are not limited to a set of appropriate, often empty words and gestures, akin to decorative coverings that must be acquired in order to have a "well-mannered" appearance.

On the contrary, correct parenting is integral element for the development of personality, as well as a means that is given to a child in order to fight in everyday life with the principle of pleasure, capable of subduing a person's will every minute and ruining life.

If the mother of the little girl on the bus really acted as a mother, she would explain to her daughter what a polite person should do in such a situation, that is, give up her seat.

By doing this, the mother would teach the child that there are other people who can feel and suffer. At the same time, she would have raised her daughter's self-esteem, putting her in the position of an "adult" capable of doing deliberate actions.

Without doing this, the mother allowed the child to enjoy her animal nature, which undoubtedly gives temporary joy, but definitely has destructive character... If other people are an empty space for a child, how can he think that he himself has dignity and the right to be respected?

How can you sit at your desk at school when you can drive around the city lounging on the seats on the bus? Christine Brunet claims that sometimes parents cannot or do not know how to explain to the child the rules of behavior, because there is no time, energy, courage, or because they are afraid to oppress their child.

Ill-bred child Is a child whose behavior does not correspond to the norms of etiquette and interaction accepted in society. Are characteristic frequent tantrums, protests, whims, refusals, instability emotional states, ignoring the needs of others, as well as the inability to establish productive contact, both with peers and with adults. An ill-bred child, by his actions, can embarrass his parents, for whom the desire to conform is quite significant. standard requirements... Many people think about what to do if the child is ill-mannered, but few are able to look at the reason for this behavior and their own actions and attitudes that provoke it.

Bad manners as a violation social norms is often a sign of a personality crisis, severe transition period or difficult situation In human life. This is a kind of rebellion, with which the child tries to attract the attention of the world, signaling that not everything is in order. The worst thing that adults can do in this situation is to force the baby to fulfill the requirements. It is optimal to find out the reason for the manifestation of a child's bad manners. Especially often in early age up to three years of age, the upbringing and behavior of children deteriorates when fatigue or stay in new situation... After spending the whole day without sleep, the baby may well turn over the dinner plate, and the reason will not be bad parenting or a child's deliberate desire to ruin the evening.

Lack of experience limits the ability of children to choose reactions, and if in infancy they signaled any desires or inconveniences by crying and screaming, now it is necessary to arrange other situations to attract attention. The adult's task is to help the child deal with what really causes dissatisfaction and find ways to adequately address it.

V adolescence the person lives the most serious personality crisis, there is an activation of various complexes, a change of landmarks. In this situation, the attitude with acquaintances and people entering the house may change. Often teenagers are rude and reserved, they can pass by relatives whom they adored several years ago. It is pointless to sound the alarm and look for syringes throughout the apartment, in most cases such harshness hides uncertainty and shyness.

When bad manners are due age crises and personal immaturity in understanding their own reactions, parents can play an exclusively supportive role, stocking up with patience. You can help children understand their feelings and show what needed to be done in a particular situation and why.

Signs of an ill-bred child

When children are ill-mannered and spoiled by their parents themselves, this is manifested by whims and an unstable psyche, in addition, such manifestations will each time be of an individual character. This is especially characteristic of the moment of general pampering of the younger generations. Frequent situation when grandmothers accuse their grandchildren of bad manners and lack of culture is explained by their scale precisely because the cultural basis is changing. What was adopted earlier may differ in form from the same messages now. Not expressing gratitude with the usual “thank you, very nice” is becoming a ubiquitous norm; instead, people increasingly comment on the gift itself or their feelings about what happened. Having looked deeper, you can see that this approach is not at all about the lack of upbringing, but about a different quality of interaction, where instead of formal and impersonal gratitude, they share their own experiences with you and highlight your uniqueness.

If children are ill-mannered and spoiled, then there are certain signs for setting such a characteristic. It is worth remembering that bad manners can relate exclusively to behavioral social reactions, but not emotional sphere... Even if it seems to you that it is normal to love your mother, and the child does not love her, then it is neither a sign of bad manners, nor a deviation in behavior.

Social rules and social norms will differ depending on the country of residence of the person, his nationality and traditions prevailing in his home area. It is these categories that bring individual shades to the definition of signs of bad manners, but there are also basic concepts.

The next point is throwing garbage or refusing to clean the bed and toys. This can apply to both behavior on the street (throwing wrappers on the asphalt), and at home (in your room or at a party). The experiences for parents are especially unpleasant when the baby litters at a party. Such behavior can be protest if you have violated the boundaries of the child very rigidly, or it can be a consequence of copying your behavior. The child will not notice that you washed all the dishes at night, but he will remember that you can leave it dirty after eating, he does not care that you turned over all the cabinets, because you were looking for an important document - for him it looks like entertaining game... The culture of behavior on the street is largely shaped by external examples, verbal explanations, as a rule, are powerless, and if most of the children from his group in a kindergarten or school throw garbage on the street, then he will also do it.

Many parents of middle and older children school age consider their lateness to be bad manners. Indeed, this marker refers to social norms and reflects respect for other members of society. However, it is worthwhile to carefully monitor when and why the child is late. If this only concerns trips to a music school, but otherwise he is punctual, the problem is not in upbringing or bad character, not even in forgetfulness - this is how an unconscious protest of visiting certain places manifests itself. At an early age, there is still no ability to orientate in time, children are often confused in the readings of the clock, and then delays are explained not by bad manners, but by age unpreparedness. Only in the case of a systematic violation of temporary norms, with understanding and the ability to plan your time, you can talk about intentional violations.

Food selectivity also refers to the signs of pampering and bad manners. Naturally, this does not mark excellent individual preferences, but when the whole family makes a menu for the child's preferences, this is not the norm.

Unmotivated refusal from accepted and standard things (food, clothing, sleep in certain time etc.) indicate a violation of the upbringing process. It is unreasonable to demand from the child an instant change in such cases, since the reasons for the occurrence of undesirable behavior have appeared long ago, and most often are caused by the parental behavior model.

What to do if the child is ill-mannered

What to do if the child is ill-mannered depends on the capabilities and depth of understanding of the parents of the problem. In most cases, it is from parenting behavior depends further behavior child. To prevent spoiling, parents need to suppress possible options pampering of the child and attempts to buy off him expensive gifts and fulfillment of whims. Most often, due to the parent's inability to provide enough love and warmth, they try to fill these gaps with material gifts or buy the baby's obedience by fulfilling his desires. This strategy has a detrimental effect on parent-child relationship, increasing the emotional gap more and more, slows down personal development the child himself and forms a manipulative style of communication, and also prevents him from establishing healthy relationship with peers. The latter is most vividly reflected in daily life and hinders further, since such a child is excluded from the group of one-year-olds.

But besides constant indulgence, there is another extreme - excessive severity and emotional coldness of parents. More often than not, it replaces self-indulgence, and the main problem remains the same - the lack of sincere interaction, love and understanding. Only in the first version, the parent tries to buy off the child, and in the second, he seeks to subdue him by force, continuing to ignore the sensory sphere.

So what if the child is ill-mannered? Instead of such an all-consuming permissiveness or severity, it is necessary to introduce a number of rules. The kid always needs boundaries, because he still does not know how to define the world Whether benevolent or dangerous - this restrictive function rests with adults.

It is necessary to establish a set of minimum rules that must be followed at all times. That is, if it was agreed that the child comes home at seven in the evening, then this always happens, and does not depend on the mood of the mother, who may require an earlier return or be allowed to come later. The designation of the rules of the outer space gives the child confidence and removes half of the hysterical seizures. But at the same time, the set of requirements should be really minimal and comply with safety rules. Regarding the manifestation of personal qualities, claims, interests, the child should have absolute freedom, which creates conditions for personal growth. Total control and the lifestyle of the parents' schedule will lead to rebellion, so there should be a lot of free choice. The rules introduced in the family must be supported in solidarity, regardless of which parent the child turns to. If at least once someone gives in, then the child will continue to demand concessions from this parent and the entire system of frameworks will become invalid.

If bad manners are associated with crisis age moments, then parents can only be patient. V in this case they can explain to the child what happens to him when, at an early age, the child becomes acquainted with his emotions. It is also possible to be supportive but not intrusive during adolescence, and it is good to provide a feeling of love and acceptance.

How better manners the child, the better it is social adaptation and well-being. Violation of social norms is always an indicator that problems exist. psychological nature, in the family or the child is corny physically bad. You need to find out the reason, not mindlessly read the notation about the required behavior.

How to raise an ill-bred child in a kindergarten

V kindergarten children's behavior can change and differ from home, especially on the very first visits. Bad manners can be caused by testing the situation, only disobedience and defiant behavior helps the child in practice to find out what you can afford in relation to peers and in relation to the caregiver. Accordingly, it is in the early days of a child in a new team that it is extremely important to establish the rules of acceptable behavior and control the situation.

Arising as a requirement for something must be ignored. The more you try to comfort such a child, the brighter the attack will be next time, but you should not completely brush it off. It is imperative to discuss what happened with the child, only after he calms down. You need to calmly talk, explaining the situation, asking his opinion and coming to a common decision. By succumbing to children's tears, you reinforce the manipulative model; moreover, other children of the group, noticing that this works, can quickly pick up the method.

Follow the sequence in your requirements, optimally so that there are uniform requirements for the entire kindergarten team. If today you have allowed something to the child, tomorrow you have forbidden it, his behavior will not become disciplined, since discipline is initially absent in the requirements of adults.

A great way is to delegate simple assignments to kids - this way they feel needed and do not require attention by other methods. In addition, doing errands helps to foster responsibility. You can create groups competing in wiping tables after dinner, and the most ill-mannered to be appointed as the head of the team.

Pay attention to how the parents interact with the baby, ask about the situation in the family. Kindergarten parenting can provide strong influence on the formation of personality and to correct some manifestations, but if the reason is in the intra-family style of communication, then it will not be possible to radically change the situation. You can conduct educational lectures for parents, most likely they also have difficulties with an ill-bred child, and combine your efforts into a common, agreed concept.