Teenage psychology communication of a mother with her teenage son. Adult daughter: how to communicate with a teenager. Psychology of adolescence: appearance is the main enemy

14.04.2019

The problem of how to communicate with a teenager can arise at any age of a child. Someone is going through puberty calmly, almost imperceptibly to others, while other children tolerate the given time painful. And both for myself and for others. In this regard, for many parents, the problem becomes urgent: how to communicate with a teenager 12, 13, 14, 15, and sometimes even 16 years old. There are some fairly simple, but effective rules for this!

How to communicate with your teenager

The first thing to understand and accept: the child has grown. He no longer needs an adult as clearly as a baby, but he is still codependent with his elders. This is what annoys him. As well as changes in the body, natural signs growing up, social relations with classmates and a host of other problems.

The adult's task at this stage- to help, not aggravate.

And for this you need to understand how to properly communicate with a child as a teenager!

Rule # 1. Remember yourself!

In the hustle and bustle childhood many parents are completely devoted to the life of the child. General walks, general activities, total time... It's time to split up. And remember yourself. This will provide two nice things:

contentment with oneself will appear - with appearance, new acquaintances, hobbies, hobbies;
the emphasis on the child will decrease - the frequency of quarrels will decrease, a more peaceful and pleasant atmosphere will come in the house.

An added bonus: happy and passionate parents are an example of admiration and imitation of any teenager!

Rule # 2. Remember to breathe!

If you are learning to communicate with a teenager, then the first thing to remember is this rule. Breath. At the beginning of any conversation, you need to take a deep physical breath. Necessarily.

At the same time, it does not matter whether an abusive conversation or lyrical communication is brewing - just a breath. And then the dialogue.

What for? Saturation of the brain with oxygen will give a positive charge and help to react without irritation to various trifles and reservations.

Rule # 3. Accept a teenager as he is

Or she. It does not matter.

The advice on how to interact with a teenage girl and a boy does not differ much.

But to accept the grown miracle is the direct responsibility of any parent. Anyone.

Yes, prickly. Yes, sharp. Yes, he wants dreadlocks and a tattoo. But this is his formation and development. And the brightness of life is now felt especially strongly - even without any.

Therefore, just accept and support - "both in sorrow and in fun."

Rule # 4. Agree with desires

The teenager wants to see a partner in an adult. Who accepts, understands and approves of it. And most importantly, who will always help. It can be expressed in any little things. For example, a child comes home and asks: "Mom, pour me some tea, please." He may do it himself, but his mother's participation is important for him, even in this small moment in life.

Of course, this does not mean that you have to break loose and run to the teenager on demand. But some of his desires can and should be fulfilled.

A nice bonus: if there is support in the little things, the child may not stoop to a categorical search for attention. And this means, there is a chance to avoid the requirements “I want a piercing on my face”, “a hole in my ear”, “green hair all over my body”.

Rule # 5. Love is simple and unconditional

The fact that this is a beloved child, your child, you need to remind yourself constantly. Especially when problems begin and the teenager does not want to communicate with his parents. He does not want to communicate, not because the parents are bad or not needed. No.

Just in this moment time for him is more important than something else: New film, the statement of a classmate, the need for loneliness or creativity.

Why is it necessary to remember precisely about love? Because we are ready to forgive a loved one a lot - even idleness and lack of initiative. So it is here. Just love, understand and, if possible, forgive minor sins.

Rule # 6. Tell about yourself

The good thing about adolescence is that you can discuss everything. His boss and his subordinates' romance at work. Financial relations with banks and funny events on the street. Why should adults do this? To keep in touch with the child.

To your question "how was your day," the answer is best case will be "normal". Because your teenager has already expressed his opinion on events where he wanted, and to those to whom he wanted. He has no desire to repeat himself. And don't wait here magic recipe how to communicate with a son or teenage daughter.

Better tell us about your day and your events. This will make it clear to the growing child that any discussions are welcome in the house. And they will hear him as soon as he wants it.

Bonus: indirectly through stories, you can unobtrusively form the opinion of a teenager on different topics, express negative and positive reactions to different events... That is, to educate.

Rule # 7. Explore new horizons

This is the coolest and most interesting point.

Its essence is as follows: the child studied the interests of his parents until his age of 10-12. Now he is forming his own. And it’s for the parents to take care of them.

Let your daughter or son talk about music trends and teach you, parents, the guitar. Or hockey. Or maybe you will start playing a computer game together.

A new growing and developing personality is so great! So look for common ground, and there will be no discord in the family.

Nice bonus: you can discover something really cool and amazing.

Rule # 8. Rear is home

Is always. Unconditionally.

At home you can relax, freak out, rage, laugh and cry. Nobody will condemn, abuse, punish. Home is the rear, where you can always come.

Every teenager should know and understand this, and the task of parents is to maintain this understanding for as long as possible.

Rule # 9. Self-reliance +

Always give a little more independence than necessary. This will help avoid violent expansion of horizons and a host of problems.

Let mom / dad propose to make a mohawk for the summer, drive to another city to see grandmother or fix it sophisticated technique... The more opportunities a teenager has, the less he demands and protests.

How to communicate with a teenager? Hard? No. If you do everything consciously, thoughtfully and understand: this harmful and difficult age will someday end!

Children grow up, and one day there comes such a moment ... when they grow up - won't they grow up forever? They have a difficult adolescence... But we do not grow, and nothing changes with regard to the child. That is, we understand, of course, theoretically, that he has become a teenager, that he is growing up, but the manifestations adolescence perceived as deterioration of behavior baby lagging behind life terribly.

Parents begin to sound the alarm - the child does not obey. In principle, this is an eternal misfortune, almost from the very birth of an unfortunate child: "a child of 2/3/4 /… / 11/12 years old does not obey." We have already spoken about the fact that, actually. And how do you like this request: "a 16-year-old child does not obey"? I just want to ask: what kind of child is he to you at 16 (!) Years ?! Wake up!

What Happens to a Child in Adolescence

Well, yes, hormonal changes and so on. You have already read this a hundred times. To understand the psychophysical state of a teenager, it is enough for a mother to remember her pregnancy. It seems to me that the analogy is appropriate - similar processes occur in the body: hormonal drops and explosions and, as a result, mental instability and some dullness. But this is all trite, and I want to talk about more important things.

And more importantly, what's going on in a teenager's soul- just this very transformation from a caterpillar into a butterfly from a child to an adult. This process is mysterious and starts by itself - it's just that the time has come, and it is very important that it goes right, otherwise ... it will remain a chrysalis or a freak - a butterfly without wings, or it will be stuck in the process of transformation for life and will be an eternal teenage rebel ... Scared? I'm afraid myself!

In fact, adolescence is very similar to the first transitional age - 2-4 years, when a child for the first time realizes himself as a separate person with his own will, and not part of his parents. So here - he begins to feel like an almost adult, and not a child. This is new and very important sensation, he feels that it is correct, but at the same time he is not yet accustomed to the new state and does not know at all how to be in it - and therefore he is terribly insecure of himself.

It is this insecurity that manifests itself in the painful sensitivity of the adolescent, especially when it seems to him that he is being treated like a child, without noticing his new state. Yes, it sometimes looks inadequate, but if you understand what is happening to him, it is completely logical. This is normal healthy process transformation. Who said that the crisis should pass unnoticed and painlessly?

The teenager begins to argue with his parents, rebel against everything. Why? Because he needs to prove to himself and to everyone, and especially to his parents, that he is no longer a child, that he is a Person who has his own opinion and his own will.

Note: The intensity of a teenager's rebellion is directly proportional to the pressure that the parents exerted, and continue to exert. This is also true for kids 2-4 years old.

For a teenager, the symbol of childhood from which he grew up is control and. And accordingly, rebellion against this is a symbol of adulthood. Funny? And he is not at all funny - for him it is serious. Our task is to help him understand that this is not at all about adulthood. But for this you need to overcome the revolt. How? It is very simple - if you do not press and impose anything, then there will be nothing to rebel against.

By the way, complete calmness and complaisance in adolescence is not a reason to rejoice and think that everything is fine. On the contrary, it means that a child with a quiet or weak character(well, not everyone is born with hercules of the spirit) is crushed by his parents so much that the process of transformation does not even start for him. And he runs the risk of remaining a caterpillar child - for life. Look around for examples - there are many of them.

Our teenager also begins to try adult "fun" - cigarettes, alcohol, swearing and ... what else was forbidden or was not available to him? He already walks alone, he already has his own company ... Do not follow. Don't stop. He will lead you around in no time, because he knows you so well - much better than you do him, and the so-called created all the prerequisites ...

A reason to sound the alarm if you suspect something like that? No, not a reason. So far, these are not "vicious inclinations", but simply an innocent knowledge of the world. The kid learns the world, dragging everything into his mouth and playing with his mother's pots and knives. And the teenager enters Big world, and begins to cognize him in the same way from all sides - to cognize what he did not know before. Only now it is more difficult with him than with the baby ...

Yes, the company. The age from 11 to 17 is the only period in life when company is the main priority, communication is mainly with peers. If you look from the outside, the content of this communication is rather mediocre - they do not discuss the meaning of life or the choice of a profession, and in general, they suffer from some kind of nonsense ... Our teenagers mostly discuss, for example.

However, in fact, against the background of this "nonsense" they solve important problems - they learn to interact, master skills that they will not get anywhere else - and defend their position, and repulse, and organize, and be a member of the team, and react to deception and manipulation, and to manipulate themselves - not by their parents, but by their equal and independent peers. They learn to everyone - both good and bad (from our point of view), but they really need this life experience. You can't do without it.

It's not even worth talking about that it is pointless in adolescence. He has such an event here - the whole transformation, which will determine his whole life, and even hormones in his head ... - what kind of study? Not to mention the fact that the revolt against the school and the role of an exemplary student imposed there is also included in the program of the holiday of transformation. Teachers know that grades 7-8 are a failing age. Wait, everything will be fine by high school.

Are you already in shock? What to do with this adolescence, if it was wrong ?! After all, everything is going downhill, the child completely got out of his hands, and then they also write that this is all normal! Calm down, first. Nothing is lost - on the contrary, everything is just beginning!

Anecdote with a hint: - Son, do you smoke ?! Here I am in your years ... But by the way, smoke, smoke ...

What to do for parents with a teenage child

So, the child, then everything is in order. Not okay, as usual with us. And we, with our panic and wrong attitude, can seriously harm his order. This is the raw data, what should we do? How can you help, rather than hinder, your child through this difficult adolescence?

Adolescence is recent times when something else depends on us in the life of our child. Then he will have own life, and our "upbringing" will no longer play any corrective role!

So, we begin to rotate the creaky gears of our thoughts and habits. We need to change! Changing our attitude towards a child and our relationship with him is no longer a child. Yes, you cannot keep up with these children - everything is changing with them all the time .., and at this time it will change very quickly. But we are smart, experienced, adults, right? What do we want - for him to be a good guy today or to come out into life as a truly adult?

In fact, the easiest way to remember yourself in adolescence is to remember what we would like from our parents and give it to your teenager. But this is almost unrealistic. It's amazing how forgetful a person is! And if he remembers, then using it with your child - how is it in general? He's my child! Okay, let's think about it.

What exactly is the problem? The teenager is in the period of transition from childhood to adulthood, that is, it becomes independent person... During this period, while he has not yet proved to himself and to those around him that he is an adult, he takes any hints that he is still a child (dependent, not independent, stupid) painfully.

So, in order to calm him down, you need give him the longed-for feeling of adulthood- first of all, to show the emphasized respect for his freedom, elections, the right to make decisions... And so that all this is not a game - in fact, give him this right. On the other hand, our task is not just to neutralize the rebellion, but to give it a start in adulthood, right? This means that it is necessary to somehow convey that adulthood is not a rebellion, but a responsibility.

The main thing is not to lose contact with the child.

This very teenager will listen - but only if our relationship is suitable for this. After all, he understands deep down in his soul that he does not know a lot of things and one could use someone else's experience instead of stuffing bumps on every corner ... But in order for him to trust us, even if we used to be, we now have to become his friend, not a parent must calm his rebelliousness. And for this, first - internally let go of the child.

Therefore, if we still had some kind of habit to control, crush, order, prohibit and permit something with our "power" (it would be better if this habit did not exist, of course) - we forgot it once and for all. Gone are the days! Now we can only be friends... We make an effort on ourselves and imagine that this is not our child- and our good friend... And we can only advise him something like a friend- not from a high, not intrusive, but on an equal footing and with respect. Moreover, this friend will not seek to communicate with us - and this is also his right. Care and support will also have to be abandoned ... Difficult exercise, yes.

Learning to trust a teenager

Of course, you had to trust the child before - I talked about this a lot in the article.But now you will have to trust differently, in an adult way, and the risks are different. Trust that he will figure it out and be able to accept correct solution... Yes, it's not a fact that tomorrow - maybe in a year, two, ten. But this his life. Decide for him we still can't. The only thing left in our power is trust. Our trust does not guarantee it right choice but might help. To help, at least, by the fact that he will not have a reason to persist in any outrage just out of a rebellion against us.

And also because our trust and respect is very important for him. After all, it is we who remind him of childhood, which means that it is our respect and trust in his rationality that can release him from childhood. Otherwise, even if he is a president, respected by millions of people, if we treat him like a child, he will not become an adult to the end. And he won't become president either, by the way.

By the way, adolescents are mortally offended precisely by the mistrust and misunderstanding that they see behind the control, and precisely from their parents. And they feel the falsity ingeniously - they won't be able to play. Personally, I am very grateful to my father, who at the age of 16 told me: “You are already an adult. I see that you have your own head and you yourself will figure it out, you can handle it. " At that moment, I felt like an adult and responsible. And gratitude to the father - for the trust. Although it was a formality - I haven't lived with my parents since I was 12.

Learning to communicate with a child as with an adult

And if he / she ... We explain the consequences, calmly and in an adult way. How else? Do you want to be an adult - get an armful of responsibility. Sometimes parents make the mistake of allowing a child a lot in adolescence (and you can't forbid it ...), but at the same time they take on the consequences, “insure” him, as was the case in childhood. As a result, the teenager develops a distorted view of life, which will not be the best "ticket".

When my friend's daughter began to communicate with the boys, my mother told her the following: Communicate with the boys as you want - it's your business. But if you get pregnant, that will also be your business. I will not help with the child - you will spin yourself, and earn too... Hard? Not that word! But 100 times more intelligible than prohibitions or reading morality. The girl had to get serious and turn on her head - and not get into anything.

How to negotiate with a teenager

How to come to an agreement with a teenager if he doesn't want to do something? As easy as pie! - in an adult way.

Recently, my eldest son (14 years old), with whom I never had any problems at all, began to scandalize at my requests for help with the housework. At first I was at a loss and began to scandalize in response, trying to use the leverage that parents always have. You understand that the path is dead-end. And the "family" scandal with his son is generally ridiculous!

When I woke up, I just had a serious talk with him. She indicated that if people live together, then they somehow together and serve their needs. It's smart and convenient. The distribution of cases is possible different ways: in a childish way - what my mother said, in a business way - everyone has their own duties, in an adult way - everyone sees what needs to be done and does. And she gave him a choice. There is no choice “to do nothing”, because then he is not a member of our “we live together”. This does not happen in life - is he not ready to live separately?

He chose responsibilities, discussed their circle. In fact, it turned out in the old way - I remind you of execution, because I lead the house. But then no more scandals!

I think you understand the basic principles of communication with a teenager. And if you disconnect from your parental worries and fears and try to understand what is happening, then this is a wonderful sight - the birth of a new person! When the child was born, he took his first steps, saw the first butterfly, smeared himself with porridge, you admired and rejoiced for him, right? Now he, too, is born - only already in adulthood, he also takes his first steps - and this is the same joyful and bewitching sight!

Yes, even if a teenager has permanent depression, she always whines and walks in black - these are also peculiarities of age. This is how he knows himself and the world. It is difficult for him. Very hard. And not without your fault, by the way - who "pressed" him for 12 years? Try to understand and feel it, and not be horrified or sad, prophesying to your teenager a career as a janitor or a prostitute. I wish you to understand and accept your almost adult children - adolescents, and not become for them difficult parents! See you in future articles!

Respect his views and opinions.
Do not try to control him in everything.
Encourage him to look good. Your son is learning to build relationships with girls and your task is to help him in this. This does not mean that you should look for his girlfriends or comment on the appearance and behavior of all his girlfriends. Just help him feel more confident.
Let him choose his friends. If you see that he has fallen under the influence of an unfavorable company, do not express your protest to him in a categorical form, do not forbid him to see friends - this will only entail a protest and the separation of your son from you. By bans, you will achieve only one thing - your son will hide from you "bad" friends and activities. Agree, this is hardly what you are striving for.

Regardless of what gender your child is, remember, he is an independent person and has the right to remain one. Give your teen the opportunity to live their own life, make decisions, and feel like an adult. This does not mean that you should "let things go" and let your son or daughter do whatever you want. Just respect them and teach good things not through morality, but on personal example... If you agree on something, then keep your word. You cannot forbid what you agreed on yesterday just because you are tired or out of sorts.

Let the teenager plan his own life, do not impose a profession, hobby, lifestyle on him. Take an interest in your child, spend time with him, find common hobby or entertainment. Let your son help you choose a technique, and let your daughter tell you about youth fashion — teens love to “educate,” it helps them feel more confident. Tell the children about your childhood and how you were as a teenager. Learn to listen and hear, because what you think is a trifle in the eyes of a teenager can be the most important matter not light. Try to communicate with your teenager, not as a child, but as an adult, equal to yourself. These simple tips will help you keep normal relationship in the family and will avoid many troubles.

But not only changes in appearance the child say that the age of transition has come. There are symptoms of another plan - the child's behavior and even his character are changing. Just yesterday, tender and obedient child suddenly becomes suspicious, touchy, rude, categorical. He gets into the habit of arguing with you about anything.

Emotional instability and maximalism, stubbornness and rudeness, often turning into rudeness - this is also age feature, which is caused by hormonal storms in the body of a teenager. Adolescence brings changes in everything, including in the state of health of a teenager. And psychological problems cannot but put an additional burden on the physical state child. The main difficulties of adolescence are precisely in this plexus of physiological and psychological problems, which come as a complete surprise to the teenager himself. Entering the path of growing up, he does not even know what trials lie ahead of him! And very often the body of a teenager begins to malfunction.

Transitional illnesses can be temporary. Most often, ailments are caused by the fact that some organs and systems do not have time to grow as quickly as the teenager himself grows, and therefore do not fully cope with their functions. In the future, they "catch up" in the growth of their owner, and the state of the adolescent is normalized. The most common diseases of adolescence are acne, vascular dystonia and adolescent depression.

Problems of transitional age in boys begin most often from the time when he begins to feel an increase in his physical strength and sexual activity. And a feature of the transitional age in boys can be called their constant feeling of the need to prove to the whole world and, most importantly, to himself that he is already an adult man, and not little boy... The need to constantly present proof of his masculinity robs him of peace of mind and balance. At this time, as a rule, the character of a boy-teenager changes dramatically.

Growing up, the boy expects more privileged rights, as in adults, but begins to get confused in adult values and again feels like a “dependent” “little” boy. This scares him, and fear leads to aggression and nervousness. He tries to change something, but does not know how to do the right thing; tries to behave like an adult, but does not understand the extent of responsibility for his “adult” actions. Trying to sort out the contradictions adulthood and their internal positions, the teenager becomes withdrawn, stubborn, shy or, conversely, aggressive and completely uncontrollable.

If a teenager grows up in friendly family with sensitive, understanding parents, then, as a rule, his parents manage to help the boy realize and show his masculinity. After all, you can, for example, captivate him with sports or other activities, where he could develop his physical strength and look quite courageous in the eyes of others. If a young man does not feel understanding on the part of adults, and in addition, sees that his parents do not expect any achievements from him, then in such cases adolescents most often assert themselves with the help of idleness, hooliganism, and the emergence of bad habits.

When a teenager, for any reason, has a strong conflict with his father, then, oddly enough, most of all, the problems of adolescence in boys have to be faced by their mothers. If a boy from childhood was afraid of his father or, on the contrary, did not have the opportunity to communicate with him, then he will take off his anger and resentment primarily on his mother. In such a situation, it would be best to visit a psychologist with a guy who would help this young accuser "of all sins" to sort out his feelings.

In addition, often, realizing their need for competition, they constantly and in everything try to be better than their fathers - in sports, in relationships with people, including with the opposite sex - everywhere they try to prove their superiority over their father. And if this cannot be done, and the father has not been able to build friendly relations with her son, then it is the mother who becomes the object for splashing out aggression. The transitional age in guys causes a constant desire to emphasize their independence from the mother, from her "calf tenderness". And it is at a transitional age that guys develop that spirit of contradiction, which makes them do everything in spite of their mother: grow their hair when she calls for tidiness, get a girl and spend all their time with her, when you have to think about studying, start smoking when mom talks about how harmful it is ...

Everyone knows that teenagers are very difficult. But ask yourself a question: is it easy for a teenager to be with himself? The psychology of adolescence is characterized by a predominance of tragic views, with a constant feeling of despair. According to sociologists, every tenth teenager thinks about suicide. And from every fifth one you can hear: "Everything is so bad, dreary and hopeless that you want to hide in a corner and cry." The psychological crisis of adolescence is experienced by adolescents the hardest of all. An overwhelming feeling of loneliness and despair is terrible for the fragile psyche of a teenager.

Every year, about four out of every hundred teenagers experience major depression. And if such depression is not treated, then the situation can worsen, because clinical depression is serious disease... It can affect a teen's thoughts, behavior, and all of his health.

There are two kinds teenage depression:

1 an overwhelming feeling of sadness, called major depression, or mental or reactive depression,
2Manic depression or bipolar disorder, when the disorder and apathy are replaced by the need for vigorous mental activity, which often leads to the commission of rash acts. In particular, suicide attempts.

Adolescent suicide is now the second leading cause of death after accidents. Very often suicide attempts are unsuccessful, but if the girls mostly stop after the first unsuccessful attempt, then the boys try to repeat their attempts several times.

If you try to identify the main reasons that serve as a prerequisite for adolescent suicide, then first of all it is worth mentioning the following:

deep depression;
family difficulties, most often - parental divorce;
unwillingness of adults to take part in adolescent problems.

When the transitional age comes, adults need to remember about no less formidable danger than the suicidal moods of adolescents. This is an addiction. Already at the age of 10, 0.4% of children start trying drugs. The peak of exposure to the potion falls on 13-14 years old. At this age, 5-8% of the interviewed adolescents have already used drugs at least once. Moreover, adolescents usually never start taking drugs without prior exposure to smoking and alcohol.

Today almost everyone knows what drug addiction is and what destructive consequences it has. The trouble is that not everyone understands that such a terrible misfortune can happen to any child, even a completely prosperous one. Teenagers are too suggestible, and often they try drugs just for the company, out of curiosity, or in order not to "fall face down in the dirt" in the eyes of their peers. But, having tried only once, they fall into a vicious circle, and they will no longer be able to get out of there on their own. Therefore, it is necessary during confidential conversations to try to convince the teenager of the perniciousness of such curiosity. And if a teenager still got into trouble, then it is important to notice its signs in time and lend a helping hand to the boy or girl. If you accept timely treatment, that is, the hope that the detrimental effects of taking drugs can be limited. But it is impossible to achieve complete cessation of drug addiction.

a sharp decline in academic performance for no apparent reason;
loss of interest in previous hobbies;
loss of appetite and painful condition;
the emerging need for money;
isolation appears, detachment from friends and family;
the teenager's mood becomes unpredictable, although aggression and irascibility prevail;
appears antisocial behavior;
the teenager himself constantly tries to pretend that nothing is happening, and there is nothing strange in his behavior.

You should start sounding the alarm only if all of the listed changes in the adolescent's behavior are manifested in aggregate, because the adolescent age itself has similar symptoms. They only appear most often separately. But there are also such signs by which it is already quite confidently possible to speak about the drug addiction of a teenager:

complete apathy, which suddenly changes sharply to an overly agitated state;
a constant lie that has no apparent motivation;
a sharp deterioration in memory and the appearance of problems with logical thinking;
change in the size of the pupils. From narrowed to a point to expanded with the disappearance of the iris - depends on the drug taken, which does not depend on lighting;
a state similar to drunkenness, but without the smell of alcohol;
the appearance in the language of the raid with brown tint, redness of the whites of the eyes, traces of injections;
the appearance of a house of smoked dishes, acetic acid, solvents, acetone, etc., syringes and needles.

In the event that you find such signs, then without the slightest hesitation and as soon as possible you need to contact a narcologist or psychologist. In no case do not start blaming the child, on the contrary, find words of support that will give him hope. Remember that this is your common misfortune, and you will have to find ways to get rid of it together.

The peculiarities of the psychology of adolescence have to be reckoned with and those parents who have to deal with other addictions of adolescents; not as formidable as drug addiction, but not as harmless as it seems at first glance - with gambling and computer addiction.

Modern technologies are developing rapidly, and this development has negative side, which primarily affected children. Psychotherapists and psychologists different countries We are confident that children's obsession with TV, slot machines and the Internet is becoming a real national disaster. The consequences can be very deplorable, although they will not appear immediately, but after a rather long period.

Recently, various social networks in the Internet. Communicating in such networks, a teenager creates his own virtual world... Quite quickly, he has a pathological need to communicate via the Internet with strangers, and parting with the computer world can lead him even to severe mental trauma.

If the child has a computer or gambling addiction it is worth considering the help of a psychologist or even a psychotherapist. You should not rely on the fact that when the transitional age passes, this "childish" hobby will also pass. After all, the reasons for this dependence can be different - from an inferiority complex experienced by a teenager to nervous disorder... And these reasons will not disappear by themselves. Only one good parent word here it is not enough, although it is also needed. Treatment is needed, during which the teenager must constantly feel the love and support of the parents.

In adolescence, the symptoms are frightening and worrisome to the parents. Sometimes it is difficult to figure out - where the changes in the child's behavior are caused by the lack of upbringing, where - natural process growing up, and where it is already necessary to sound the alarm. Along with the onset of the transitional age crisis, there is a crisis in the relationship between parents and children.

The teenager begins to strive for independence, moving away from his parents, while realizing that he still continues to be dependent on them. This dependence weighs on him. In turn, parents feel that their child is growing up, leaving from under their influence. He has new interests in which he does not want to devote them. All this leads to sharp conflicts and constant quarrels.

To understand all the secrets of adolescence, to suggest how to survive adolescence without significant losses - the main task adults during this period. It is important not to lose touch with your son or daughter during this period, to maintain trusting relationship... It must be remembered that overcoming the difficulties of adolescence is a difficult stage for both parties, but it is adults, as wiser and more experienced, who must competently respond to all acute situations, and it is they who are responsible for resolving conflicts.

More often than not, remember that you yourself were once the same, and at the age of 14-15 it also seemed to you that you are already old enough to independently decide how you will live further. Such memories will help you understand that due to your small life experience a teenager simply cannot see a controversial situation from a different point of view than his own. Your task is to learn to competently, imperceptibly for a ruffy teenager to control the situation and unobtrusively help him in making the right decision.

If it seems to you that in some situation your child is behaving incorrectly, then try to talk to him about it without getting personal. Give him the opportunity to draw conclusions on his own and solve the problem. And in no way condemn him for failure. On the contrary, in adolescent children there is an increased need for approval from adults. Do not be surprised that a teenager began to constantly demand attention to himself, do not consider him selfish. He just wants to be sure that his parents love him not for some outstanding success, but simply because he is. It is very important for him to know that his parents will accept him in any case, and in any situation they will be on his side, support him and give advice.

The characteristic of the transitional age is that at this time adolescents actively strive for independence. Those parents who give their children the opportunity to feel their independence and independence look trustworthy in the eyes of a teenager. And the adults themselves, allowing the teenager to do own choice relying only on their own strengths, they observe how their child goes up the steps of growing up, overcoming all the crisis moments of his life. Psychologists consider this approach to be the most effective.

When the parents tell the teenager, it's up to you; I agree with your decision; choose yourself - such answers give the teenager a sense of the right to choose, and he begins to approach making a decision more responsibly. But the transitional age is the time when a person must learn to act independently and at the same time be responsible for their actions.

Also, in the description of the transitional age, it is necessary to mention the fact that the teenager begins to actively seek his place in life. This leads to the fact that his circle of communication is significantly expanding, he has more and more new interests and needs, and more and more time he begins to spend outside the home. Very often, parents react to this by increasing control. But this is a wrong step, according to psychologists. Total control does not allow the teenager to feel independent and prevents the child from fostering a sense of responsibility.

Trust your child, learn to find compromises and, with their help, give your teen more freedom. For example, if a teenager suddenly announces that today he will come home at twelve o'clock in the evening instead of the usual nine, then offer him an option to choose - at ten or eleven o'clock.

Do not try to control his cash expenses if you give him pocket money. On the contrary, start giving him money not for one day, but for a week. Let him feel financially independent, because now he does not have to ask you for money for any purchase, and besides, he will learn how to plan his expenses.

Psychologists believe that during the period of transition, a child needs his own territory, his personal space. While the child was young, the parents constantly monitored whether all his toys were put in place, whether his room was tidy, etc. But now he needs to set aside a territory that will be inviolable for everyone except him.

Perfect option- his own room, in which he can establish his own order and maintain cleanliness without the intervention of adults. Of course, not all families have this opportunity. But in any apartment, you can give a teenager a shelf in the closet, your bedside table and a table at the personal disposal of a teenager. And in no case invade its territory! Of course, it is very important for elders to know what is happening in the life of their child, with whom he communicates, what thoughts are in his head, what is going on in his soul. But if you rummage in his pockets or drawers, read his letters or diaries, eavesdrop on what he is talking about on the phone, you will forever lose the trust of a teenager.

Don't go ahead! It is much better if you just communicate with your child more often, from time to time you will chat with him as if about nothing - about music, films, about some minor things, gradually asking him about the friends of the child, about their lives. In a confidential conversation, it is easier to tell the teenager about the dangers that lie in wait for him around, to give him advice in a difficult situation.

You can tell him about your childhood friends, remember what incidents happened to them or to you when you were his age, what you did then and how you would act in the same situation, having your today's experience. Moreover, such stories should contain not only didactic, but also funny details. The child will be happy to discover that you then felt the same as he does now, which means “you are of the same blood with him!” And do not doubt that he will take note of the "morality of this fable".

Adolescence is one of the most difficult periods in the formation of a person. Often, both parents and adolescents ask themselves the question - how to accelerate the transitional age, so as not to get stuck in it for several years? Is there some way to avoid all these complications?

In order to keep as little mental trauma as possible, the sensitivity and wisdom of adults is needed, which will help a teenager learn about all the secrets of adolescence with the least loss. But here's to speed up transitional age impossible - just as it is impossible to accelerate the arrival of spring after a boring winter!

(14 votes: 4.14 out of 5)

Striving for independence, isolation, unwillingness to spend everything together free time, growing authority of peers, rebellion against everything ... Do you know this? A child who used to catch your every word now doesn't appreciate advice? And what's more, does he close his ears not wanting to talk? What happened and how to return that cute baby who obeyed? Fundamentally the wrong approach. You will have to change and, first of all, change your style of behavior. Unless of course you want to be heard.

1. Don't lecture
If you spent the first 60 seconds of the conversation reading the notation “But I am your age”, then you can not continue further. The child's attention turns off after one minute.

2. Don't blame
Don't start a sentence with an accusation. Instead of: "You haven't done your homework again!"

3. Speak between times
It's hard to expect your 15-year-old daughter to be outspoken when you glare at her. Better ask her to help prepare dinner, and talk while slicing vegetables. Speak as if from the side while walking, or when driving. Nobody likes it when they try to force something out of him, and this is how the teenager perceives questions “head-on”. The phrase "Sit down, I want to talk to you" evokes a natural alertness.

4. Master new technologies
It's no secret that writing is often easier than saying. Try sending a couple of humorous chat messages, and then ask how are you doing at school. You will see that the story will be more detailed than with verbal communication.

5. Share interests
Their books, music, clothing style, sport. All this may seem unusual and strange to you. However, if you at least try to find out more about a child's hobbies, and show your awareness, you will earn respect: "Wow, mom knows that manga is not the same as mango."

6. Don't be afraid to over praise
Often, parents think that praise is needed only for excellent grades... However, adolescents need approval in all their endeavors. Son plays at computer games online or doing historical reenactment? Take interest in success and praise. Of course, it is advisable to first master the terminology if the hobby is rather unusual.

7. Never Say Never
Avoid categorical words "always" and "never". With the accusation "You never tell me anything," you reject the very attempt at conversation. And saying “I always know what’s better for you” is just being disingenuous.

8. Shouting is not an argument
Do not think that your raised voice will gain weight. The teenager will perceive this as your breakdown and his righteousness: "If mom screams, then she has nothing else to do." Believe me, the said in a calm voice "I was worried about you" is much more understandable than the scream "Yes, I could not get through to you for two hours!"

9. “How are you? - Fine."
A direct question is a short but not informative answer. Instead, talk about what interests both of you, listen to the answers, actively participate in the conversation, clarify and ask again. Seeing your indifference, the child himself will move on to the topics that concern him.

10. No panic
Don't jump to conclusions. If your son says that he is dating someone, then this does not mean that you will soon become a grandmother. If a daughter says that she wants to become like a popular singer, this does not mean that she dreams of plastic surgery... In the first case, it may mean permission to extend the time of walks, in the second - a request to sign up for guitar lessons. Clarify what the teenager meant.

No matter how hard it is for you, do not leave your child in this difficult period for him. Help and support.
Good luck to you and your children, who have not yet become adults, but have already ceased to be children.

Far from many families there is upbringing according to the principle: "A child is everything." A very common mistake of parents is to constantly put pressure on the child and impose their will on him: this can be done, but this cannot be done. Parents use authoritarian parenting strategies that prevent their child from expressing their independent voice or sense of responsibility for their own decisions.

Other parents, on the other hand, practice permissiveness. Research shows that both extremes negatively affect children's ability to control their emotions and shape healthy relationship with adults. Best type upbringing is fairness, flexibility, respectful attitude to their teenage child and their constant training, and not terror to achieve their goal. Listening to and respecting the child's opinion, allowing him to make choices, while setting fair and clear limits to keep the home tidy. This article will guide you on how to avoid ineffective parent-teen communication methods.

Mistake # 1. Too much chatter

When parents speak more and more, and in a harsh, demanding tone, children stop listening and perceiving them. Researchers have shown that human brain can simultaneously perceive only two theses and keep them in his short-term memory... In practice, this takes about 30 seconds - that is, one or two parenting phrases.

When in one message mom or dad give several instructions at once, the child will eventually get confused and will not understand anything from the parental teachings. In addition, if the tone of the parents is alarming, harsh or demanding, the child has anxiety and doubts in the subconscious. He will not want to fulfill such requirements at all.

“This month you can sign up for boxing, besides, every day you have to wash the dishes, and it's too early for you to go to kickboxing. The day after tomorrow we will have guests, and you have to help mom clean the apartment. "

You should not give your child all the information at once. It is best to break it down into separate blocks to make this information more digestible. Let the teenager express his opinion on one issue, and then you can move on to the second.

An effective conversation example

"You can sign up for boxing this month, but it's too early for you to go to kickboxing. Do you agree?"
"Every day you have to wash your dishes, because mom gets tired after work, save her and your time. What do you think about this?"
"The day after tomorrow we will have guests, and you have to help mom clean the apartment. Do you have any plans for the day after tomorrow, 3 pm?"

In this example, the parents in each block limit the conversation to two sentences, which makes the perception much easier. In addition, there is a reasonable dialogue, and not a one-sided dictatorship of the parents. Finally, the child agrees to cooperate voluntarily, rather than under pressure, and his needs are taken into account.

Mistake # 2. Reproaches and constant criticism

Most parents are familiar with the situation when a child has to wake up for a long time in the morning, or he throws his things around the apartment, or comes home from school at the wrong time. And then they use an effective, in their opinion, technique: they complain about bad attitude teenager or sharply criticize him. In fact, this only makes the situation worse: you give the teenagers a reason to ignore you, because every day you do not get tired of repeating the same thing to your child, and in the most disgusting tone.

Ineffective conversation example

“I woke you up an hour earlier because you can never get ready on time. You need to get dressed now. Show your diary so I can sign it.

Ten minutes later.

"I told you to get dressed and give me the diary. And you're still getting ready! You will be late, and I will go with you! Go brush your teeth and get your clothes ready."

In ten minutes.

"Where is your signature diary? I asked you to bring it? And you haven't finished dressing. We will definitely be late."

This parent gives too many diverse tasks to the child, and everything must be done immediately and immediately. This prevents the teenager from coping with the situation. Because every 10 minutes the parent hurries him up, introducing anxiety and panic into the collection process. This is the so-called "parenting helicopter", which can lead to uncertainty, excessive dependence of the teenager on the commands of the parents. The tone of the parental message is negative and intrusive, which leads to resentment and resistance from the teenager or his passive aggression.

An effective conversation example

"We have 45 minutes before leaving for school. If you do not have time to pack up and give me a diary to sign, you will explain your delay to the teachers yourself."

it short instruction, which makes it clear what the parent expects from the child and what are the consequences of not completing the task. The parent does not judge the child, does not try to control him, and does not create a situation of anxiety and panic. The parent allows the teen to be in charge of his own behavior.

Mistake number 3. "Let you be ashamed!"

One of the hardest ideas for parents is that children lack empathy for their needs. Children develop their empathy (tendency to empathize) slowly as they get older. That is why the expectations of parents that children will sympathize with them and help them in everything are far from always justified simply due to their peculiarities. psychological development adolescents.

They are still just kids - they don't take your side and put themselves in your shoes, but focus on having fun in the moment. Most parents emphasize that their children are selfish, they only care about themselves. In principle, it is so. This can lead to dissatisfaction with parents when the kid wants to help them in something. At such moments, it is important to calm down, breathe deeply, and then in a calm tone express your wishes and requests to the child, in what exactly you need help now. Letting your emotions run wild can make your interactions with your teen ineffective.

Ineffective conversation example

“I asked you to tidy up your room several times - and what do I see? Things are scattered all over the floor. Can't you see that I’m on my feet all day, I take care of my family, and you don’t do anything. Now I have to clean yours. a room instead of resting after work. Aren't you ashamed, why are you so selfish? "

This parent creates a lot of negative energy. We can all be disappointed in the behavior of another, but blaming a teenager is disrespectful. He hears a subconscious challenge due to the phrase "You are an egoist!", And this is very harmful for the psyche and self-esteem of the child. Gradually, dad or mom inspire him that something is wrong with him. Children pick up and absorb these negative labels and begin to see themselves as "not good enough," "selfish." It is very harmful to humiliate or shame a child, as it can form negative emotions and a bad opinion of the child about himself.

An effective conversation example

"I see that your room is not cleaned, and it upsets me very much. It is important for us that the apartment is in order, so that we all have a pleasant life here. All the things scattered around the room will have to be sent to the pantry tonight. You can take them back. when you clean your room. "

This parent clearly communicates his feelings and needs to the teenager - without anger or blame. It explains the clear, but not overly punitive consequences of adolescent behavior and provides an opportunity for the child to rehabilitate. This does not create negative motivation in the teenager and does not make him think that he is bad.

Mistake # 4. "I can not hear you"

We would all like to teach our children to respect other people. The best way to do so is to foster respectful and caring behavior on our part. This will help your teen understand the meaning of respect and empathy and teach them effective communication skills. In many cases, it is most difficult for parents to hear the child because the children often interrupt them. In this case, it is okay to tell your child “I’m having a hard time hearing you now because I’m making dinner, but I’ll be ready to listen to you carefully in 10 minutes.” It is better to plan a clear time for communication with your child than listening to him half-heartedly or not at all. But remember that it is difficult for a teenager to wait a long time, because they may forget what they wanted to say, or they will not be in the right mood.

Ineffective conversation example

In response to the teenager's story about his grades at school, the parent replies: “Can you imagine. They scored this goal after all! "

An effective conversation example

"I am ready to listen to you carefully in 10 minutes, as soon as I finish watching football."

Conversation with a teenager - fine art... But it can be learned simply by being considerate of your child. And you will definitely succeed.