Fitness and healthy lifestyle 

Childless women go crazy. Will a childless woman be saved? Discrimination against women in the field of reproductive rights in modern Russia: assisted reproductive technologies

That the main reason for the modern version of patriarchy is material, it is the work of women in family care (care for children, sick and elderly family members, domestic services).

This particular work time- from 10-15 to 100 or more hours a week, which is spent on free labor, performed not for economic reasons, but due to coercion, persuasion and social manipulation.
This is the time that a man can spend on work in a higher capitalist formation - work for which he receives money, and which goes to the expense of a career, experience, that is, social recognition. A man can also spend this time on personal growth, development, personal projects and entertainment.
It does not matter whether a woman combines family care and wage labor (or, for example, freelancing, which is also new - and in fact old form hired labor) - or she is engaged only in family care. In any case, she sacrifices something: either work for money, which means personal independence and social recognition, or personal development and recreation.

It is these 10-100 hours a week that are the main social difference between a man and a woman, from which all other differences follow. This - labor Relations in which women and men enter into each other.

Based on this, girls and boys are brought up differently, prepared for life. Based on this, women and men see and evaluate themselves and the opposite sex, based on this, books are written, films are made, and the entire known ideological system of patriarchy is built.
Even sexual abuse arises for the same material reason. Sexual abuse is not a matter of sex, but a matter of hierarchy; women are therefore lower in the hierarchy because they have to do the work of family care. It is possible and necessary to exercise violence against lower beings from time to time (not forgetting to disguise it with powerful propaganda of "male nobility", romantic love and other apologies for a strong and superior male). Sexual desire itself in a violent relationship is firmly tied to hierarchical representations.

But this raises another important question:
- But after all not all women have children or look after invalids. However, literally everyone is oppressed, women scientists and politicians run into "glass ceilings", a childless and well-to-do model can be raped, childless women are hindered in their studies and careers, they are paid less.

Yeah, feminists can say here: it means that the problem is not in working hours and not in free labor - but in patriarchy as an idea. This idea came from somewhere (obviously, from the deep biological depravity of men) - and free female labor, and sexual violence, and contempt, and sexism already follow from it.

What do women who do not have children suffer from?
And they suffer from belonging to social group. So, if a certain nation (for example, the Arabs) in society is considered to be poorly educated, not motivated to education and work, lazy; then even the most hardworking and intelligent Arab will be, in the eyes of those around him, primarily an "Arab" (lazy, unmotivated and stupid), and he will have to with great difficulty prove that it is not.

If the vast majority of women have children and thus perform family care work, and a particular woman X does not do this work, she still belongs to the "women" social group. She is evaluated primarily as a "woman", her very appearance evokes a number of associations in any person (no matter what gender): caring, hostess, children, motherhood, cooking, cleaning, beauty, comfort, emotionality, tenderness. Even if a woman strongly does not correspond to this series of associations, she can be judged accusingly (“Does she have children?”, “No one will marry such a bitch”) or perceive this discrepancy as a special piquancy (see in the film “Nine Days one year" the heroine-physicist: "No one taught me how to cook porridge." But you can’t call her a real physicist either in comparison with the male heroes of the film).

That is, this woman is still judged based on the fact that she belongs to a social group that does free and disrespectful work just like that, because she "should". Traditionally.
The employer evaluates her this way: he rather accept hire a man than a childless woman, what if the woman decides to give birth? It's uncomfortable for him. An employer will pay a man more than a woman, because the latter is more dependent on him, even if she has no children - she is still the worst product on the labor market.

It’s just men who evaluate her this way: she is naturally lower in the hierarchy, so you can and should make fun of her, make fun of her, disrespect her, break boundaries, evaluate her body and sexually humiliate her.
Recently, the revelations of a woman, a university professor, went on the net: how freshmen who have not read a single book come up to her and ask: do you really consider yourself equal to us?
And all this - despite the fact that this woman herself does not perform any additional work.
In the US South in the century before last, any black person was perceived as a slave, even if he was not in fact a slave. In the Russian Empire, any peasant was a "man" or "woman", regardless of serf or free status. And decades after the liberation of the peasants, they still remained "women and men" created for service and menial labor.
That's how it is childless woman first of all, in the eyes of society, she is a woman (and then a specialist, an interesting interlocutor, etc.), that is, one who, in principle, is intended for care and maintenance.

In short: childless women suffer because other women have children!

That is why battles on this topic have constantly flared up among feminists. Childless women, vaguely understanding the above, sometimes see the root of their problems in the fact that others have children. It seems to them: let them not give birth, and then we will not suffer! All women should become like them - independent and childless, familyless, and then the problem will be solved. It's all the fault of the kluckers and fools who succumb to patriarchal propaganda! They get married, have children. "Do not sell yourself for flowers, tomorrow you will stand at the stove!"
Another option: if she has a child, then she is guilty. Why should this society pay for a woman's private hobby? A child is like a dog or a cat: personal entertainment and pleasure. The capitalist-employer should not pay anything and should fire pregnant women without any problems, in no case should capitalists be burdened with duties in relation to pregnant women and children, because because of this, even the childless are a bad commodity!
Sometimes richer women practice this in their own lives: "I have to earn money for a child, and then I will have him." By the age of thirty-five or forty, she earns money for a child and starts a single blood, which she does not get enough of. Or it doesn’t start anymore, because health after these “earnings” does not allow.

Ordinary, not advanced women, this, of course, outrages. For example, because an ordinary worker will never be able to "make money for a child" - that is, save up enough money to buy an apartment, and stay at home for several years, and hire child care staff. She needs support - a husband, state benefits, kindergartens and so on. Social-democratic-minded feminists also do not approve of the ideas of "every man for himself" and "there is nothing to breed poverty."

Patriarchals are also outraged by this idea, but for a different reason - they are concerned about the demographic problem. If everyone stops giving birth, then we will die out.
By the way, for some reason, this "childless approach" is associated with feminism among the people, feminists and childfree in public opinion are practically the same thing. Although this is far from true.

Naturally, the only solution to this problem is the transition to socialism and, within the framework of socialism (public ownership of the means of production), the transition to the maximum possible socialization of family care (the optimization of everyday life, technology, children's institutions, care institutions). Plus compensation (material and status) to women for the inevitable share of labor that cannot be socialized (childbirth, feeding, caring for a child up to two or three years old).

If this problem is solved, then the problem of the oppression of all women will be solved, regardless of whether they have children or not.
Then the very appearance of children will turn into joy, and will cease to be a source of suffering and oppression.

I remember the first time I heard from the TV screen that a childless woman is flawed.

Talk show. Two women are speaking: a university teacher, professor, doctor of sciences, convinced childless, and a young woman of about twenty. The young woman has heart disease, achondroplasia (dwarfism) and other diseases. Doctors forbid giving birth. She enthusiastically broadcasts how she will give birth anyway. She is applauded. Then they give the floor to the professor. She says for some time - speaks eloquently, convincingly, with lecturer's specific intonations - that children are not necessary. There is a favorite work, there are students. Leading without listening:

But a woman without children is flawed!

A pause, everyone, hushed and uncomprehending, goes home.

That is, no. Pause, everyone applauds.

http://maiorova.livejournal.com/164707.html

And here

http://tyotasofa.livejournal.com/137703.html reasons why childless women are flawed:

"I DO NOT JUDGE CHILDFREE"

I decided to write about this topic. Although I, it seems, have nothing to talk about - I am a happy owner of a son and daughter, which means I am in a privileged position relative to childless women. Society does not condemn me, but, on the contrary, approves in every possible way. It may well condemn me for something else, but you can’t find fault with children. And yet, I will speak out, standing on a stool in my privileged class of "she mothers." Every woman has the right to choose. To give birth or not to give birth is a personal matter. I don't blame child free if they made such a decision - great, it's their choice, I respect it. But not everyone understands that the word "choice" implies responsibility for this choice. What am I talking about?

Well, for example, after graduation, you choose not to work in an office, but to hitchhike and live on what you get from selling photos and maintaining a travel blog. Great choice! But if in a few years you get tired of such a life and you want a stable salary - do not be offended if you are hired only for the lowest positions with a small salary. You will have to start your career from scratch and a few years later than your peers. And there is no one to blame.
Another example. I am a body-positive person and choose not to diet or exercise because it is hard for me. Great, this is my choice. But for this choice, I must be willing to pay the price of poor health, little or no choice. sexual partners, increased fatigue from the slightest load.
This is my choice and I must accept the consequences.

Speech, actually, only about it. On the choice and consequences of choosing childlessness. In yesterday's postmayorovait was about a woman scientist, professor(hell, I can’t pick up a feminitive for “professor”, so be it)who has a favorite job, many students and, in general, a very busy life. And they tried to label this woman “flawed” just because she has no children. Why does she need children? She actually fulfilled her mother's program - she has students, she has someone to talk to and what to do in life. She took place. This is where the watershed runs. Not all women who decide not to have children admit the possibility that they may not take place. Each one says, "I'd rather be an accomplished woman than wait for a screaming baby." And what do they mean by "take place"? If a woman has retirement age eat good income, own housing, possibly loving husband and a small dog - did it take place or not? Alas. own material well-being And good health does not yet mean "an accomplished woman."

I spent a lot of time in hospitals when I was young. And several times, childless women turned out to be with me. Strongly elderly women, I must say.
In other words, old women. Lonely, not poor, even by the meager standards of the 90s. Well-dressed, in jewelry, they looked after themselves very carefully, building babylons from jars and tubes on hospital bedside tables. Well, they were unbearable! They needed to communicate! Daily and a lot. And since the rest older women were family and with children, and they were able to communicate more interesting friend with a friend, then the old women clung to me - an unmarried student. Clutched in a stranglehold and the stories began. Women they were all different, and told different things. One boasted of her success in her youth and victories over men, the other talked about her sufferings and illnesses, endless, like Job's ulcers. The third shared her impressions of her trips abroad - she was the wife of a diplomat and traveled a lot. They not only forced themselves to listen, they also demanded attention and help for themselves, and it seemed to them that I, a young girl, should take care of them by default. Give water, go to the kiosk for a newspaper, sew on a button, call a nurse, and so on and so forth. One, after being discharged from the hospital, called me at home (begged for a phone number) and asked me to go back and forth for her, to fulfill some assignments. I would have gone if not for my smart mother, who found out who was calling and what she needed and forbade me to do anything at all. “Then you won’t get off!” - Mom said and I think she was right. Mom then gave me a text that was unpleasant for childless women, where it was about inferiority, and about the fact that “she lived all her life for herself, her beloved” and other patriarchal things. I think my mother was just offended - she raised two children and she almost never had time to "live for herself."

So, I really don’t like childless women of this format. I have met them many times since then. One of these is Native sister my grandmother and how much we suffered with her when she became very old, this is a separate song. They imposed themselves, they molested and demanded attention, communication, some were arrogant and domineering, others pathetic and aching, but these women always produced exactly that. negative impression, which scare the young and childless - crazy lonely old women.

I saw other childless women in my old age, I must say, there were much fewer of them than the first. Smart, accomplished, interesting, with whom I wanted to communicate voluntarily, and not out of politeness. One of them was my teacher at the institute - the smartest elderly lady, we ran tails after her and looked into her mouth. It was considered an honor for her to do some work. And if she praised - that's it, then I wanted to jump with delight. I think this woman had no shortage of interlocutors and she always had someone to come to the hospital and she did not suffer from loneliness.

The second was friends with my aunt for many years. Lidia Mikhailovna was a "splendid" woman. That's what the men around me said. She was always very expensive and tastefully dressed, knew a lot, saw a lot, was an excellent storyteller and a very friendly person. She arranged someone's business, got scarce goods, vouchers to a sanatorium, sat with other people's children and dogs. She was friends with her aunt for many years, she considered her family almost her own, she adored her daughter, my sister, like her own, and was busy with her a lot. Therefore, it is not surprising that when Lidia Mikhailovna grew old and completely took ill, my sister went to her every week, helped, carried food and cleaned, and the children of other friends also helped her. In turn. Her apartment, by the way, moved some distant relatives, so the help was completely disinterested.

So the point, I think, is not whether you gave birth or not. And in fact - have you raised at least someone? Have you invested in at least one person? No, it is a mistake to put effort into the project "husband", because, men live less on average, the project can be completed ahead of schedule. It doesn't matter if these are your children or your students - you receive a part of yourself, your personality from the older generation, and you must give part of yourself to the younger generation. No wonder there is a saying “Youth loves to learn, and old age loves to teach”. I once read that older people have a physical need to teach, give advice and, in general, get into the lives of young people. They have a need for the transfer of experience as strong as in youth - the need to have sex. Therefore, I stopped being annoyed at my mother's teachings. It's just a need, you have to humble yourself and listen. I will be like this in my old age.

It turns out that women who have not given birth, who have not raised their children or students in old age, remain with an unsatisfied need to pass on experience. Someone to pass it on.
Not to the beloved terrier. Combined with deteriorating health, a reduced social circle, they find themselves in isolation. And from this they begin to harass those around them. Someone in the housing office makes a row, someone swears with neighbors, someone sticks to any benevolent person from among his acquaintances and starts to “load” him, hanging on the phone for hours or luring him to visit. And it’s a pity for such an old woman and it’s inconvenient to offend with a refusal, but what a boring woman she is! How long can you listen to the same thing?

That's what I'm trying to say. About choice. Having made a choice in favor of childlessness, be prepared for the consequences of this choice. That is, for a lonely old age. Get yourself friends, students, some interesting hobby in advance. In order not to annoy others with your whining in old age, not to beg for the miserable crumbs of attention and communication.
Of course, one can object to me that a child is not at all a guarantee of a happy old age. That you can give birth to a child, raise him and then lose (pah-pah-pah!) That children can go to another country. Become criminals and go to jail. Well, or just stop talking to your mother. They can, of course. But at least you will have memories and they will be a reason to live on. When giving birth to a child, a woman always takes risks. But if you do not feel the strength to accept your lonely old age, if you are not going to teach several generations of students or become a world celebrity, it is better to give birth or adopt, or raise someone else. Or help someone grow. Invest your strength in someone who will give you a return in old age. Old age is not such a short period in life, it can drag on for twenty or thirty years, especially since, according to statistics, men live fewer women, which means that it is not a fact that the husband will outlive you. And children are very convenient. They will be the only ones who really care about your health, your dog, and what you had for lunch today. Everyone else doesn't give a damn about it and needs to put up with it.

You can, of course, still object. That it is only in our society that we have such a sick society, that we do not respect old age, that an old man we are forced to fall into social isolation and so on, and giving birth to everyone without exception is not a way out. OK. I'm only trying to say that an active and truly accomplished woman has no problems in old age in communication and help. But is every childfree sure that she will become just like that? Here's what I suggest women think about before deciding not to become a mother. If I am confident in myself and have enough strength - for God's sake, I respect choice and honesty. But I can't stand whining lonely old women, sorry. These are truly deplorable. I will quote from the book by Yuri German “I am responsible for everything” (this is about Soviet doctors who have not read it, I recommend it, an excellent book and the whole trilogy is magnificent):

“I won’t open America to you, Volodechka, if I write that a woman who has not given birth is not a woman. No, this is not about physiology, although it means a lot, I am writing now about something else. to educate, but you need to give yourself to the child. It is not so important - it is yours or a complete stranger. It is determined only by what you have invested in it and in what quantity - I mean, of course, not glucose and proteins, but the strength of feeling. Koshkins feelings to some nature lovers, about which I wrote to you, may seem majestic, but this is only an instinct, and not the spirit and strength of motherhood.
Dear Volodya! I saw different people and including women who didn't want to be bound. My God, what, in old age, they were unfortunate, miserable widows. How they cherished and cherished themselves, how they treated themselves, their nobody right health how earnestly, almost fulfilling the religious sacraments, they fed themselves now sweet, now sour, now salty. How they dressed their withering bodies, how they focused on nonsense and trifles, unworthy of a man how the words were pronounced: “cozy”, “delicious”, “warm”, “sweet”. I spoke with such: “Damn you, parasites, scoundrels, we don’t have enough sisters, nurses, go, how can you, how can you not be ashamed?”
No, they were not ashamed.
They were not ashamed when one of them died and there was no one to see her like that.
She did not cause grief to anyone with her death - she only caused trouble with the organization of her funeral, a kind of widow.
That's all the memory of her!
Mimoid, indifferent, outsiders!"

UPD. Perhaps, it is necessary to add about men and their childlessness-childlessness. All of the above fully applies to childless lonely old people. The only difference is that they are even more disgusting and intrusive than childless old women. One thing pleases - they live less and there are not so many of them.
UPD-2. Damn, I still need to supplement, otherwise I was already accused of condemning childless women and automatically approving childless men. Why did I write about childless women? Yes, because a woman CAN give birth to a child. A man - CAN'T. And the choice of childlessness-childlessness is primarily intended for women, not for men. And so, I repeat, all of the above applies to men completely. Chose childlessness? Well done. Live happily. Don't force yourself on anyone. Neither society nor others.

"What can I say, every woman dreams of children. Only I seem to have stopped. I spent twelve years getting pregnant from own husband. She lay in various fertility clinics, took various pills and subjected herself to the most terrible procedures - nothing helped.

What I just did not see enough, in these clinics! Young women, beautiful, wealthy, successful in everything - except for one. And everyone considers themselves unhappy because there are no children. Some are treated for years, others divorce their husbands - what if you get lucky with the other? Still others constantly deceive her husband that something is wrong with him, God forbid she thinks that she is barren. They experience five, six, eight miscarriages in order to become pregnant for the ninth time and lie in storage for all nine months, to finally receive their precious, only child scratched out of the clutches of fate. In the infertility department, we had a joke: "Other women cry when they don't have their period, but we - on the contrary, when they came." And in fact: across the corridor from us - they do not have time to bring in from abortions. Well, why is that, why?

If you think about it - do children bring so much joy to a person? While they are growing, while they are small, while they are bathed and dressed up, and they are like dolls, in bows and curls - yes, there is a lot of joy. But childhood flies by quickly, and now there are sleepless nights when your son stays with friends, and you don’t sleep and listen to the silence outside the window, imagining all sorts of horrors, now your daughter reproaches you for not dressing her well enough, and then goes to someone else’s to the peasant, slamming the door, now the grandchildren have gone, and you are fiddling with diapers and cereals, despite the fact that you are still young and attractive, personal life yours is over. For your health and appearance you have already given up a long time ago, who needs it, all it takes is a hardy and wiry old aunt to carry bags and strollers and talk less.

And what is the answer? Infrequent phone calls on holidays or when you need money, poorly hidden mockery of your old-fashionedness, an on-duty bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates for your birthday. I have seen enough of all this from my friends, studied the subject, so to speak, in full.

“I always dreamed of children. When I was still at school, first-graders and second-graders always followed me with their tail - I was both their teacher and older sister, and an arbiter. She invented games for them, broke up fights, reconciled, took them on campaigns, was the head of the living. corner, played the Snow Maiden. In general, the most popular personality in the school among the kids. I already started running on dates, and the little ones all followed me with their tail. Once, because of this smallness, I quarreled with a guy who I really liked. He was waiting for me at the cinema, and the kids dragged a kitten with a crushed paw to my house - he got hit by a car. Roar in three streams, do not know what to do. Well, as I was in stilettos, I rushed with them to the veterinary clinic. We cured the kitten, and then for two weeks I could not explain to Borka why, instead of a date, I went to a veterinary clinic!

No one was surprised when I became a teacher kindergarten. This is where all my talents blossomed: you know how to sew well - sew outfits for dolls and costumes for the holiday, you know a lot of fairy tales - tell the children, you know how to hammer a nail - fix the closet. Here you have a workshop, and an atelier, and a living corner. I really liked all this. And my children have always been the most developed, the most cheerful, you can’t drive them out of the garden home. Not the most obedient, of course, but if I take offense at them and don’t tell a fairy tale before going to bed, then they walk on tiptoe, their muzzles dejected. Everyone diligently performs - until the first, of course, a brawl. In my heart I considered myself almost the best kindergarten teacher, and then one day I accidentally overheard a conversation between one of the mothers and the nanny: say, but a childless woman really cannot love a child - yesterday she kept my Stasik in the corner for half an hour, she has no pity.

I wanted to immediately jump out from behind the door and shout: "Yes, even wall up your Stasik in that corner, he will terrorize the whole group anyway!" But then I realized that this was not the main thing in her words, but something else: I am a childless woman ...

Yes it is. Vasily and I have been married for eight years, but we have no children. We were examined, they explained to us - it is I who cannot have children with him, something in our bodies does not combine. It happens. Friends, of course, immediately with advice: leave your husband or get a lover. Do not want! I love Vasya, I don't need anyone else. And we live well. Why look for the best from the good? We somehow resigned ourselves to the fact that we will not have children. I have enough of this fun at work, Vasya is generally quite indifferent to the little ones.

But here are the words "childless woman" ... After this incident, I began to look at myself - maybe I'm really harsh with children, I solve all their problems and problems too easily, am I too glad to take a break from them in the evening? After all, mothers do not have such an opportunity - they think about the child day and night, they always live with his worries.

And then another friend gave birth to the second. I went to congratulate, looked at it small miracle how it sleeps eyelashes in half of its cheeks, squeezes tiny fingers into a fist, its lips hung out, as if upset by something ... And it smells so gently in the room - of ironed diapers, women's milk, chamomile, something infantile. And to watch how she breastfeeds is a torment at all - I have not been given such bliss. Lord, why is that? After all, I love children very much, I gave birth to all, no matter what you give me, not like those who go for abortions. But it's better not to think about it. Fate, then, I have such.

And yet ... I look at childless families They have an empty life. A woman and a man have come together and live for their own pleasure. They please themselves. And with children, all life is filled with meaning. And sooner or later childless marriages break apart. I had acquaintances - a feast for the eyes, he carried her in his arms, she could not breathe on him. Everyone envied them. They lived for ten years and separated - he went to a woman with a child, she gave birth to a lover. Here also speak here, what not all children are necessary. I began to look at Vasya with suspicion: when he says that he is indifferent to children, is he comforting me or deceiving himself? He is already under forty, and at this age, they say, a person feels everything differently, he begins to treat children with special tenderness. Suddenly he, too, some with a child will meet?

All these thoughts tormented me. My character began to deteriorate - I yell at the children in the garden, I pout at my husband, I envy my friends.

And here I have a young niece who had an internship in the orphanage. Someone dreams of children, but how many of them are abandoned, unhappy! Ninka sheds tears after every shift. He says - although the state allocates a lot of money for them, but what's the point. All with chronic diseases, one cannot juice, the other is allergic to chocolate. Yes, and steal their staff. Ninka, as she goes to work, will buy thirty-two sweets, not chocolate, so that everyone can be given. The children are waiting for her arrival, they want warmth and attention, because she manages to talk to everyone, pat on the head - at first they shied away, did not understand, and now they themselves are reaching out. “It’s still somehow not so noticeable from the boys that they are from the orphanage,” says the nephew, “but the girls ... all have the same face, they look like boys. It’s immediately clear that they are not home.” How I introduced these girls with short haircuts who don’t even know how to wear dresses, no matter how you dress them up, everything turned upside down in me. I think - why am I so selfish? I grieve that there are no children of my own, but there are so many unfortunate, abandoned ones. At least one to fix life, create normal family- same such happiness. It was decided - we will take the child to raise. He, too, was already tired of living without his parents. And we will have an ordinary family- just like everyone else.

IN modern Russia motherhood / parenthood is not only an individual choice of a woman / couple, but also a constant object of social coercion both from the side of the inner circle and from the state. In modern Russia, demographic processes similar to Western European society are observed: an increase in the age of marriage and the birth of the first child, a decrease in the number of children, partnership without official registration marriage, etc. There is a significant expansion strict framework Soviet morality. All these transformations seem to lead to b about Greater freedom for individuals to organize and plan their own matrimonial and reproductive life and make decisions about it. However, zones of non-freedom, practices of interference in the private life of another person are still the norm. The issue of childbearing is not a space of exclusively private personal decisions, while it is not only and not so much a sphere of state interests and intervention, but a sphere of everyday routinized regulation and control. Through constant social control, through approval and condemnation, the reproduction of a morally approved norm is carried out. In accordance with this norm, the age of marriage, the age and length of marriage necessary for the birth of a child, etc. are prescribed. Not obvious, not always noticeable, but deeply learned rules become apparent when they are violated. It is childlessness that makes the norm of compulsory motherhood obvious in Russian society.

Discussing the issue of having children, plans for children is not only not considered an invasion of privacy, but is widespread and legitimate in Russian culture - these questions can be asked by relatives and colleagues, acquaintances and fellow travelers, employers and friends:

“Indeed, all around you hear questions: WHEN? Sometimes there is a feeling that everyone has agreed.”

When childlessness, which violates the codes of “normal” parenthood (time, age, marriage length, etc.), becomes obvious, it is problematized by others, turns into an area of ​​​​special interest and concern, moreover, it requires a public explanation and justification, including recognition in infertility:

“What is the point of hiding, if questions are pouring in all the time, why don’t you have children, because age, etc. It would be somehow strange to say that we want to wait, "to live for ourselves"... We have been living for ourselves for 9 years already, enough already (although we have been struggling with infertility for 6 years out of 9). Yes, and at work I had to say how they would let me go all the time - either to the doctor, then to the tests, then what other case ”

“I don’t want to talk about infertility, probably because of the prevailing stereotype - marriage, pregnancy, childbirth. And after the wedding / start cohabitation(underline as appropriate) all relatives, acquaintances (and not so) are waiting for when ... And if I say I WANT, but I CANNOT! Questions, advice (not always the kindest), pity, etc. will begin. It is better to be silent than to speak"

"Infertility" in Everyday life becomes a marker of "social defectiveness", a pathology not medical, but social. This “defectiveness”, “pathology” also has “social” reasons - “wrong” behavior: “pigging”, premarital promiscuous sex life, abortions and more. And the consequences of such "wrong" behavior - the inability to cope with social roles mothers and wives:

“When I got to the hospital for an operation (as a result of which I was forced to look for a mother / mother), several acquaintances did not hide their gloating about this, and one of them told me that you’ll see that your husband will leave you, because you won’t be able to give a birth to a baby".

In public opinion, the absence of children is an indicator of the lack of morality. It is no coincidence that women who resort to ART often, when talking about themselves, emphasize their “normality”: not only “correct” healthy lifestyle life (not drank, didn't smoke) but also their social viability in general. They describe themselves as competent, professional, often economically successful, in stable marital relations. However, barrenness is enough for a woman to be accused of her inadequacy and lack of morality, for which she is personally responsible. Moreover, such accusations can be brought by the closest people.

“Even my husband once said to me that “probably, in my youth I had a good walk ...”, A friend, when I answered her, why it’s easier to communicate on certain topics with people experiencing the same problems - which they don’t consider indiscriminately that those who have problems themselves are to blame for the problems with childbearing - she answered, but what is it is the TRUTH.

The inability to fulfill the role of a mother, and along with it the role of a wife, endangers the future of the family and, without offering alternatives, requires the exclusion of a woman:

“Mother-in-law - demanded a divorce after my operation, arguing that there would be no children, in fig such a wife”

“And for the father-in-law, and probably for all the relatives of my faithful, I am“ crippled, unable to give birth, ”daddy forced him to divorce in the first year of his life, although he didn’t know my problems, simply because I’m not pregnant, well, to this day I remain flawed for him, the husband’s brother and wife laugh in the circle of their friends, and also hinted at a divorce ”

“On Saturday it will be 7 years since I have been married, and 6.5 years since I have not communicated with my husband’s relatives. After my operation, it was said: Get a divorce, why do you need a barren wife.

Childlessness, infertility raise the issue of social and subjective "fitness". Motherhood is considered a criterion and indicator of the "correct" femininity, the implementation of the correct female role. The attitude towards infertility shows that often the value of a woman for her inner circle can be reduced to healthy body who carried the child, and then to the role of a housewife and a nanny raising a child. The value of the individual and its dignity, success, suffering are not taken into account. The impossibility of motherhood demonstrates the failure of the woman as a whole

“... it’s terrible when you feel guilty and constantly catch yourself thinking that you are not capable of anything, even such a natural thing for a woman as procreation becomes a problem for you”

The inability to motherhood, controlled by the immediate and not very surroundings, is produced as a social defect that calls into question the general social competence and subjective competence of a woman:

“I asked myself this question many times, why am I ashamed of my infertility, why am I making every effort so that no one will ever know about this among my friends and relatives. Perhaps this is a reaction to the attitude of society towards this. In addition, society accepts successful people who achieve success in everything, I have not shown anyone sore spots for a long time.

Women, not receiving support from the environment, accept the guilt imposed on them, plunge into difficult experiences, lose self-confidence. Infertility in the Russian cultural space makes a woman feel incapable, wrong, but also makes her feel personally responsible for childlessness:

“It's a shame that I'm infertile. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I didn’t have abortions, from the age of 17 I went to the gynecologist every year - I checked, I dressed warmly in frosts with the idea of ​​not catching a cold reproductive system and was also barren. I know that the thought is wrong, but I have it - I feel guilty before my husband, I seem to have let him down, I can’t give birth to a child ”

At the same time, following the rules (I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I go to the doctor) does not guarantee anything. This means that potentially any childless woman can become the object of accusation of the wrong way life, insufficient efforts, lack of preventive health control, etc. She can be blamed by colleagues, doctors, boss, mother-in-law, own parents, husband, girlfriends. Motherhood is a woman's responsibility and, accordingly, childlessness/infertility is women's fault. Even when the causes of infertility are related to the health of the partner, the woman remains responsible for infertility:

“In our family all<вину>I took it upon myself for infertility. Really
the path to Eco began due to male infertility.”

So, the cultural codes of modern Russian society set the framework for mandatory maternity/parenthood. Public control over reproductive decisions and plans not only exerts "demographic" pressure, but also forces women to explain and justify childlessness, and in turn to hide or admit to infertility. Infertility is constructed as a social rather than a medical pathology, which calls into question not only a woman's ability to perform gender roles, but also the "correctness" of her "femininity". The imputed responsibility for childbearing and the socialization of a medical diagnosis constitute a woman as the only one to blame and responsible for infertility. However, if a woman makes an (often successful) effort using ART, she and her child may become subject to 'demonization' and/or 'exoticization'.

2. Demonization and exoticization of ART and “test-tube babies”

Childbearing in Russian culture is a socially responsible act, and infertility/childlessness not only lead to social disqualification of a woman, but also cast doubt on her subjective status. At the same time, the very method of overcoming childlessness is the subject of close attention of others and moral everyday "bioethical" control. If a woman performs a seemingly “correct” action - turns to ART in order to become a mother - her efforts, her actions are also problematized, since now in our society ART is viewed with suspicion, reproductive technologies are overgrown with myths and prejudices. Limited information, scandalous materials in the media lead to the "demonization" of ART procedures, to the presentation of them as unnatural actions with unpredictable consequences.

“I once discussed problems with childbearing with a friend, I already knew that I would go to IVF, and although I didn’t say anything about myself and IVF, I somehow led the conversation to this topic. And what did I hear? "Well, this is generally the last thing, in a test tube there is something to chemical, it is not known what you will give birth to later." A lady, at the same time with two higher educations and a decent, in fact, intellectual level, manages human resources at a large enterprise ... Since then, I have closed this topic for others.

In the daily life of women, questions are actualized - to talk or not to talk about IVF, to whom to talk and when. Personal worries are exacerbated by constant waiting backlash from relatives and friends, obsessive curiosity or pity. ART in everyday life appears as special and specific procedures. The lack of correct information and the aggravation of the situation in the media makes IVF identical to “quasi-cloning”, contrary to the “natural course of things”, and therefore a dangerous procedure that violates the established social and natural order. People who use ART take on an "exotic look" - they are often compared to aliens or Hollywood movie stars who have access to new technology. This is "something from the realm of fantasy":

“Once again about my acquaintances, they periodically strive to say nasty things about my childlessness. And if they know about IVF, and even numerous people will say - It’s completely rotten, since even from a test tube nothing works for a lot of money.

“Despite the fact that one of my girlfriends is aware of everything, he asked in all seriousness: “And you in the usual way aren’t you trying to have children?” Apparently, she takes us for aliens. ”

Even more "demonization" as a "violation natural course things with unpredictable consequences” refers to programs surrogacy in which women are forced to hide reproductive method, simulate pregnancy, etc. Surrogate and donor programs not only call into question the "biological" conception procedure, but also give rise to problems with the definition of kinship, motherhood and fatherhood. Parenthood ceases to be identical to consanguinity relations that exist social connections and responsibilities lose their "natural" properties and require redefinition. In public opinion, "surrogate motherhood" is an even less desirable, legitimate procedure, in comparison with which even "in vitro" conception is considered more natural. As a result, women have to constantly think about when and when to tell someone so as not to harm themselves and their unborn child:

“everything would be fine, but alas, it turned out that IVF is not a salvation for me, the doctors’ verdict after the operation is like a butt on the head” - you have a sigmoid colon sewn to your uterus, you can’t get pregnant, otherwise the intestines will tear and you will die ... choose or your life or motherhood." I said about eco only from the second successful attempt with surrogate mother- let them think that my Lyalka is from a test tube rather than that he is not mine at all .... "

except social environment special status a-normality of conceptions and pregnancies as a result of ART is supported by both medical institutions and discourses. Pregnancy is not considered normal, it is perceived as problematic, requiring increased control and attention. As a result, a woman feels flawed at every stage, even if pregnancy and childbirth are normal:

“After all, even in clinics that conduct pregnancy, as they hear about IVF - it starts -" you have a very difficult case, you need to be observed very carefully, since you have such complicated pregnancy!" - and you ask, what is the difficulty, if all the tests like (ugh 3 times) are normal and there are no complaints? "Well, you had IVF" ”

“The greatest pressure due to IVF was in the maternity hospital - I was stubbornly persuaded to caesarean section. The main argument: "Why take such a risk with such a golden pregnancy?" /…/ On this day, for everyone in the operating room, I was not so much a patient with a “drastically worsening CTG”, but a “Woman with five IVF attempts””.

The problematization of ART as an abnormal phenomenon also applies to children born as a result of the use of VR technologies at conception. Any subsequent problems with the health or development of the child can be attributed to the "unnaturalness" of his conception:

“The mother-in-law is a doctor, and from her I sometimes hear calls on the topic “everything that didn’t come naturally can’t be good,” so you can’t tell her in any case: God forbid, any problems with the child’s health , then she will destroy all the brains "what did you want, you did business with test tubes" "

“Yes, a friend recently told me about a distant relative who had to do IVF and successfully, the child is already 5 years old. Comments were like "can you imagine, he is quite normal, smart even, he communicates normally with children, etc." That is like a talking monkey! It’s too early to tell anyone else about this!”

Women often live in constant fear of possible negative social consequences for their children. Society considers not only women themselves to be abnormal (not able to conceive and / or bear a child), but also a child is a priori deprived of the status of normality. With the help of speculation, gossip, rumors, “exoticization” occurs, which can violate the safety of the child. This child is a "curiosity", "alien", etc.:

“And if the treatment is successful, then your child will continue to arouse curiosity all the time - is he like everyone else? a curiosity indeed."

“This is already a familiar part of our life for us, because we cook in all this, and in society such children are considered almost aliens. I don’t want some “kind” aunt to tell my child in the future that he is not like everyone else, and he suffered about this ”

As with "ART pregnancy", the children's medical record may indicate "IVF conception", which produces their special status requiring special medical supervision and control. Women seek not only to publicly normalize their children, but also to minimize unforeseen consequences by hiding the method of conception in public presentation and documents (for example, in a medical record). Physicians agree that referring to IVF can be a "stigmatization" for a child, and are sometimes willing to go the extra mile for a woman not to indicate the method of conception, but they do not seek to redefine the very status of abnormality of a woman and a child. :

“A separate topic is how I tried to make sure that the IVF record did not get into the children's card. I caught a pediatrician, a nurse and an "adult" doctor. In the corridor plain text said that the child is ECO (and why hide - after all, this is all in my card and all this will go to exchange card), what now negative attitude to IVF in society, and that I don't want my child to live with that stigma. They all nodded in understanding. NO ONE resented the word "stigma", no one said that "IVF is just a way to conceive and nothing more." Everyone went to meet me halfway: someone did not write, someone blurred out what had already been written. For which I am very grateful to them.”

In everyday life, there is a "demonization" and / or "exoticization" of the ART procedure and children born as a result of the use of these technologies. The Institute of Medicine is involved in this process, as in medical practice a special status is assigned to pregnancies after IVF and IVF children. All this, of course, increases the pressure on women, gives rise to fears for themselves and their children, and forces them to resort to various strategies to hide their practices. Constantly actual question(“tell or hide”), secrets and simulations of pregnancy in the case of surrogate motherhood, increase the psychological and social burden on the already difficult path of overcoming childlessness. The process of normalizing their path, their pregnancy and their children requires additional efforts from women, self-control and regulation. It should be noted that women often achieve their goal by building complex strategies for coping with both childlessness and the demonization of ART and children. However, they do not have many helpers along the way. On the contrary, they are constantly faced not only with the resistance of the social environment, with a negatively public opinion, but also with a huge number of problems in access to information and medical institutions.

End of work -

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Discrimination against women in the field of reproductive rights in modern Russia: assisted reproductive technologies

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When the author of these lines experienced miscarriages, it was not customary to talk about it yet. Now she invites people like her, the childless, to the dialogue. How to live with it? And can you reconcile? She almost made it herself. But sometimes 50-year-old Jill Gleason still thinks about what her unborn children could grow up to be.

"I don't talk much about my unsuccessful pregnancies. Nobody but my family and my best friends knows about it. There were three. Three lost child. But that was a long time ago, in past lives, and I don't think about it anymore. I'm 50 years old. I won't have children. My life took a different path. I accept and even welcome it.

After three miscarriages, you need to move on with your life. But sometimes thoughts “what if” still burst into consciousness after random phrases or situations. I remember a conversation a few years ago with a man I fell in love with and who broke my heart. We sat on the couch hugging and talking. Like me, he was divorced, like me, he had no children. He didn't want them. And he said jokingly: “It is a pity that we will not have children, they could have the same long legs, how about you".

I burst into tears and began to scream that he had no sense of tact. I think this outburst surprised us both. Then it occurred to me that perhaps I had not quite come to terms with my childlessness, as I thought before. Or I was so upset that my man didn’t care that we would never have children. It has always seemed to me to be the ultimate act of love and devotion.


I experienced my first miscarriage at the age of 22, being madly in love with my fiancé. The pregnancy was accidental and I was very nervous.

The child died at 12 weeks. I had to surgically delete little ball tissue, which in six months could become a man. Even though it was lifeless, my body clung to it and didn't want to let go.

My future husband was just as broken by it as I was. Long years he kept the first conclusion from the clinic that I was pregnant. Now Sean and his current wife have nine children.

Two other miscarriages happened at the same time. The man I got pregnant with was not a good man and I said to myself that maybe it's for the best. That's what you tell yourself after you've lost a baby, and that's what you hear from friends and family (if they tell you anything at all). Although at that time I just wanted to be sympathized with.

I will never forget the ultrasound I had during my second pregnancy: cold jelly on my slightly rounded belly. Two hearts that the doctor found. "Twins," he said.

After that, I will never get pregnant again. This is fine. I am not one of those who think that all women must become mothers. Some of us are simply not made to give birth.

Childless women create their offspring in other ways. For me, these are words. The book I am writing will soon be my baby. I bring up my parents, friends, a dog. My life was interesting and eventful, I was lucky in many ways. I have traveled all over the world from Ecuador to Israel. I loved and was loved, and although now I am alone, I believe that love will return to me.

But sometimes, when children surround me, I feel a little prick in my heart. I look at their parents, how they laugh or cry, how they hold hands and hug, and I think: “That could be me!”.


I think about the kids I never had, especially the first one. We wanted to call him Sullivan or Sully, whether it was a boy or a girl. Ideal Name: Unique but not silly. Good way to honor Sean and my Irish roots.

Sally would have been 28 now. He could be a writer like me or an artist like his father. Or it would be a strong independent young woman, brave and tough, traveling the world. doctor or farmer. My child who never was.

The strange thing is, my body knows what pregnancy is without ever having a baby. I know morning sickness I can still smell Chicago's damp summer air, the scents I inhaled during Sullivan's pregnancy. I then covered my nose as I walked past the dumpsters, desperately trying to control the onset of nausea.

I know how sensitive breasts become and how quickly they change. your mood. Like you want to eat all the time. I know what it's like to stroke your belly, wondering what a person is growing inside. Seeing blood stains on panties when they shouldn't be there. And hear the doctor say, "Sorry, I can't hear a heartbeat."

My only brother died three years ago without becoming a father. I never asked my parents if they missed their grandchildren. My mom and dad are also travelers, they are like big kids themselves. And they never pressured me to try to get pregnant again.

My cousin has a daughter, Olivia, beautiful girl 17 years. They are very close to my father, she often visits him. Sometimes, when I look at them, something inside me cracks, like ice in a glass. He would love his grandchildren. And my mom too.

Now the parents have been for many years: dad is 84, mom is 79, and she was recently diagnosed with dementia. When they leave, I will be alone. I won't have a family anymore, I'm the last one. Who will take care of me in my old age?

For the first time in my life it occurs to me that I can love a man with children. Of course, now the children of any of my potential partners adults, and that's okay. But I like to think that even at my age I still have a chance to start a family.”