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What is the attitude towards a person. Attitude towards a person. What communication mistakes should be avoided so that the types of interpersonal relationships are not under the threat of adverse development

From birth to death, relationships are the foundation and essence of life experience person. Social psychologists are trying to uncover the lurking behind the endless variety of human relationships. general principles that would apply to all relationships. main feature any relationship is that two people influence each other or, in more technical terms, they interdependent. Specific methods of mutual influence are distinguished by a wide variety. A person can help or hinder us, make us happy or sad, tell us fresh gossip or criticize our views, give us advice or chastise us. Movement from fleeting contact with a stranger to intimate relationships that last long years, is accompanied by an increase in the degree of interdependence between two individuals.

To denote relationships that involve high interdependence, social psychologists use the term " close relationships". It can be a relationship with a parent, a close friend, a teacher, a spouse, a work colleague, or even a principal rival or competitor. All intimate relationships share three basic characteristics.. First, they involve frequent interactions over relatively long periods of time. Second, intimate relationships include participation in joint affairs or events. For example, friends discuss various topics with each other and usually have many things and interests in common. Thirdly, the influence exerted by people in close relationships acquires extraordinary strength. We can quickly forget a snide remark from a salesperson, but agonize for weeks over a line thrown by a best friend.
In this article, we will look at some of the most important properties social relationships from the standpoint of the theory of interdependence.

Theory of interdependence

The most promising approach to the analysis of social relationships is offered by various versions of the theory of social exchange (Molm, Cook). Most Attention researchers in the field of social psychology attracted the theory of interdependence ( interdependence theory)(Berscheid, Reis; Kelley, Thibaut). This approach is based on the analysis of patterns of interaction between partners. One way to think about these interactions theoretically is to describe them in terms of the consequences—rewards and costs—that partners face. We usually try to organize our interactions in such a way that they maximize our rewards and minimize our costs. However, in order to be rewarded, we must also reward others. . As children, we get to know universal rule or the norm of reciprocity: we seek to reward those who reward us. If people help us, we feel obligated to help them. If we invite someone to dinner, we expect that person to return the same invitation later. Social interaction involves the exchange and coordination of consequences between interdependent partners (Rusbult, Van Lange).

Rewards and costs

The reward is the result of interaction, whether it be a feeling of love or financial support. What is dear to one person may be of little value to another. A successful analysis of rewards in social interactions was proposed by Feu and Feu (Foa, Foa, 1974). They identified six main types of rewards: love, money, status, information, goods, and favors. They, in turn, can be classified according to two dimensions. The dimension of specificity refers to the extent to which the value of a reward depends on who provides it. The value of love, or more specifically the value of things like hugs and tender words, largely depends on who they come from. Therefore, love is a specific reward. In contrast, money retains its utility no matter where it comes from; money is not a specific, but a universal reward. When we say that some relationship has for us special meaning, we often mean by this that they provide unique or specific rewards that we can't get anywhere else. The second dimension, concreteness, reflects the difference between material or tangible rewards—things we can see, feel, and touch—and non-concrete or symbolic rewards such as advice and social approval.

Expenses — Negative consequences our interactions or relationships. Relationships can be costly because they require a lot of time and energy, because they cause serious conflicts, or because other people disapprove of our relationships and criticize us for them. Relationships can also be costly if they prevent us from engaging in other rewarding behaviors. If you spend the weekend with friends, you won't have time to study for an exam or visit your parents.

In one study, psychologists asked college students to describe the rewards and costs associated with their romantic love relationships (Sedikides, Oliver & Campbell, 1994). The list of rewards included companionship, feeling loved, happiness, intimacy, understanding and sexual pleasure. Perceived costs of romantic relationships included concerns about the fate of the relationship, lack of freedom to socialize or meet other people, the amount of time and effort devoted to the relationship, fights, and feeling dependent on the partner. While men and women generally described similar rewards and costs, some gender differences emerged. For example, women expressed greater concern about their dependence on a partner and dissolution in him; men were more concerned about spending money and wasting time and energy.

Impact assessment

Interdependence theory suggests that people track the rewards and costs of specific interactions or relationships. We don't usually keep track of the good and bad sides of a relationship; however, we are aware of the costs and rewards associated with them. In particular, we focus on the overall outcome of the relationship—that is, whether the balance of the relationship is beneficial for us (rewards outweigh costs) or if we are incurring big losses (costs outweigh rewards). When people say, “This relationship gave me a lot,” or “I don’t think our relationship is worth it,” they are assessing the consequences of their relationship.

When evaluating the consequences of relationships, people rely on certain standards. Let's look at this with an example. When you're at a friendly party, you avoid talking to John, a rather nerdy guy you don't really like. Instead, you are drawn to Mike, a rather friendly person who can tell funny stories. You continue to communicate with Mike until you notice that the company has your best friend Set. Seeing him, you apologize and go to talk to Seth. The simplest standard for evaluating a relationship is whether it is profitable or costly for you. In our example, interacting with John was negative, while interacting with Mike and Seth was rewarding.

In addition to evaluating whether a relationship is beneficial, we also form comparative judgments by evaluating that relationship in comparison to other relationships. The most important are two standards of comparison (Thibaut and Kelley, 1959). The first of these is comparison level. It concerns the quality of consequences that a particular person thinks he deserves.

Our level of comparison is formed on the basis of past relationships. For example, you can evaluate whether your current love relationship is inferior to the past. Or you can compare your new boss to your previous bosses. You can also compare your current relationships to those you've seen in movies, heard about from friends, or read in popular psychology books. The level of comparison reflects our personal idea of ​​what a relationship that suits us should look like.

The second important standard is comparison level for alternatives, implying an assessment of how the existing relationship is comparable to other relationships that are currently available to us. Is your love partner better or worse than other people you could date if you wanted to? Is your current boss better or worse than other people with whom you could successfully work in the current situation in your life? If your relationship seems to be the best you could hope for, you can continue to develop it, even if the real benefits from it are not very great. On the other hand, even if the relationship turns out to be beneficial for you in absolute terms, you can break it off when a more suitable alternative arises.

Consequence coordination

The problem of any relationship lies in such coordination of joint activities that would allow maximizing the benefits for both partners.. Consider the problems of coordination using the example of two strangers that are nearby on a long-haul aircraft. Carl arrives first, taking up the entire top bunk with his hand luggage and grabbing the middle armrest. The rather sociable Karl hopes to spend the trip in pleasant conversation with the person who will take the next seat. His neighbor Katie, in turn, brought some work with her and expects to spend this trip immersed in reading. Finding the top shelf for hand luggage fully occupied, she becomes frustrated and finds, with some difficulty, another place to squeeze her things in. In the course of a small exchange of pleasantries, Katie makes it clear that she does not want to get involved in a long conversation, and a bored Carl begins to leaf absently through the magazine. After a while, Carl lowers the window filter and tries to take a nap. This again annoys Kathy, who was about to see the Grand Canyon. From the side of the sleeping Karl, snoring begins to be heard. Completely upset, Katie gets up from her chair in the hope of finding another free seat. In this example, uncoordinated actions of partners induce one of them to refuse to continue any interactions.
When friends enjoy the same activities, it's easy for them to coordinate their interactions. Technically speaking, they have congruent consequences - what rewards one rewards the other.
How easy or difficult it is for two people to coordinate the consequences of a relationship depends on the number of common interests and goals. When partners value the same things and enjoy doing the same things, they have relatively few coordination problems.(Surra and Longstreth, 1990). In such cases, they are said to have consistent consequences, because the consequences of their interactions are the same - what is good for one is good for the other, and what is bad for one is bad for the other (Thibaut, Kelley, 1959). In general, partners with similar life experiences and attitudes experience less problems in coordination and can therefore more easily establish mutually beneficial relationships. When partners have different preferences and values, they have inconsistent consequences, resulting in more conflicts of interest and problems in coordination..

Of course, even well-matched partners experience conflicts of interest from time to time. When this happens, the partners have to find a compromise. Consider, as an illustration, a young married couple deciding how to spend their share of the money returned to them. income tax. The wife wants to buy a new sofa; Husband wants to buy a new TV. However, this couple has limited money and cannot afford to buy both a sofa and a TV; therefore, spouses must coordinate the use of funds and allow conflict situation. One of the most simple solutions is to choose an alternative acceptable to both partners. For example, a young couple might agree to spend money on a trip, an initially unchosen but attractive solution for both. Another possibility is to prioritize purchases, such as buying a sofa this year and a TV next year.

Resolving conflicts of interest through negotiation and compromise best case takes a lot of time, and in the worst case turns into a source of disputes and negative emotions. Therefore, over time, partners often develop rules, or social norms, allowing them to coordinate their behavior. Probably neither spouse likes to take out the trash or pay the bills, but they can agree that he will do one if she will do the other. Availability general norms reduces the need for lengthy negotiations in order to achieve a coordinated behavior of partners.

Social roles it is a set of rules that determine how people should behave in a particular type of interaction or relationship. Roles provide solutions to some of the coordination problems people may face. In many types of relationships, cultural rules prescribe certain coordinated behaviors. Usually the employee understands quite clearly what he should do in the workplace, the employer is well aware of his duties, and both are aware of how they should interact with each other. Lawyers and their secretaries do not negotiate over who will write legal documents and who will type them, or who will answer phone calls and who attend court hearings.

When individuals act on the basis of existing cultural rules, they are involved in the process of choosing a role (Turner, 1962). As we gain life experience, we get to know many social roles that govern our interactions with other people. We can contrast this role selection process, in which people learn or conform to cultural roles, with the role creation process, in which people develop their own collective norms of social interaction. In many social situations people improvise and create their own solutions to problems of interdependence. For example, when two friends decide to rent an apartment, they need to agree on who, what, when and how will do it. Who is responsible for paying the bills? Who will contact and negotiate with the landlord? What will be the rules regarding late guests? many types social interactions are a mixture of role selection and role creation. When social guidelines are not clearly defined or are in the process of changing, individuals have more freedom to act, but they must also make more efforts to successfully coordinate interactions.

fair exchange

People are most satisfied when they perceive their social relations as fair. We don't like being exploited, and we usually don't like exploiting others either. We use various rules to determine whether our relationship is fair or not (Clark, Chrisman, 1994).

Consider the situation of two teenage boys trying to decide how to share a pizza. They can agree to "share equally" using rule equality ( equality rule) according to which everyone should receive equal consequences. People tend to use the principle of equality more often when interacting with friends than when interacting with strangers (Austin, 1980). Children are more likely than adults to use the principle of equality, probably because it is the simplest rule. Boys can also take advantage of the “to each according to his needs” principle, which is based on the idea that relative needs (relative needs) each person. According to this rule, one boy can get a larger slice of pizza if he is more hungry or if he has not had pizza for a long time. This principle is used by parents when they decide to spend much more money on a child who needs orthodontic braces than on another child who has beautiful and regular teeth. Parents make medical and dental expenses dependent on the needs of each child.

Learning to share with friends is an important step in understanding the principles of fairness in social relationships.

The third rule is justice (equity), or fair distribution. It is based on the notion that a person's income should be proportional to his contributions (Deutsch, 1985; Hatfield, Traupmann, Sprecher, Utne & Hay, 1985). Thus, the boy who contributed most of the money when buying a pizza, or put more effort into making it, is entitled to a larger portion. From this point of view, justice exists when two or more people have an equal ratio of consequences and contributions.

In professional terms:

Justice theory

justice theory, which is an offshoot of social exchange theory, is based on four main assumptions:

  1. The people involved in the relationship are trying to maximize: their benefits.
  2. Couples and groups can maximize their collective rewards by developing rules or regulations about how rewards are fairly distributed among all stakeholders.
  3. When individuals notice violations of fairness in relationships, they experience tension. The greater the perceived injustice, the greater the tension experienced.
  4. Individuals who notice violations of justice in relationships will take steps to restore justice.

Research has confirmed a number of specific predictions derived from equity theory (Hatfield et al.). In particular, it was shown that when the relationship was unfair, tension was experienced by both partners. That a man deprived of his well-deserved reward (exploited) experiences tension does not seem to contradict common sense. However, studies show that an undeserved reward person may also experience stress, possibly due to feelings of guilt or discomfort caused by an imbalance.

There is also evidence (Hatfield et al.) that when people notice violations of fairness in relationships, they try to restore it. They can achieve this in two ways. The first approach is to restore real justice. For example, a roommate might admit that she has not yet done her fair share of keeping her house in order, and make appropriate additional efforts to compensate. The second approach involves the use of cognitive strategies that change the perception of disturbed balance, thus restoring psychological justice. Roommate might misrepresent real situation things and come to the conclusion that she actually carried out equal share responsibilities, thus evading the need to change their behavior. Whether people will turn to the restoration of real or psychological justice depends on the balance of benefits and costs that they associate with each particular strategy. Finally, if it is impossible to restore justice in any of these two ways, a person may try to end the relationship.

Most of the data concerning the study of the phenomenon of justice has been obtained in the course of previous studies. laboratory research strangers who interacted for short periods of time; more modern research focused on the study of justice in intimate relationships (Sprecher and Schwartz, 1994). A sense of justice affects satisfaction with love and marital relations; under-remunerated partners generally report lower satisfaction. A study of married and cohabiting couples found that individuals who reported less fairness felt less happy in their relationships, and the negative effects of unfairness on satisfaction persisted after one year (Van Yperen and Buunk, 1990). Equity issues can play the biggest role in initial stage relationships. In a longitudinal study, fairness was found to be a satisfaction factor at the beginning of a premarital relationship, but not several months later. Over time, individuals may become convinced of the good intentions of their partner and not pay as much attention to the nature of the exchanges.

There also appear to be individual differences in the effect of fairness on relationship satisfaction. Individuals who score high on measures of overall concern for fairness in relationships may be more negatively affected by injustice than other people. In addition, women with feminist and non-traditional attitudes towards gender roles may be particularly sensitive to issues of fairness and therefore feel more dissatisfied than other women or men in the presence of, in their opinion, unfair relationships.

Finally, studies have generally found that fairness is less important for happiness in close relationships than the absolute level of rewards that a person receives in the course of these relationships. Satisfaction is highest when people believe they are getting a lot of rewards, whether or not they perceive the distribution of rewards to be perfectly fair (Surra, 1990). If you think you're getting a lot out of a relationship, you'll feel happy even if you feel like you're getting a little less than you deserve. Moreover, in our closest relationships, we can go beyond the existing strict principles of justice and social exchange.

Beyond exchange

The principles of social exchange help us understand the many various kinds relationships. Most people accept the idea that exchange influences casual relationships, but they may disagree that exchange factors also determine our most intimate relationships. It is absolutely unromantic to believe, as the sociologist Erwin Goffman (1952) once did, that “the offering of a hand in our society is increasingly associated with reflection in which a man weighs his social merits and concludes that the merits opposite side are not so superior to his own as to serve as an obstacle to an alliance or a successful partnership.

Social psychologist Zeke Rubin (Rubin, 1973) expressed the common attitude towards exchange theory as follows.

The notion that people are "commodities" and social relationships are "bargains" will no doubt make many readers shudder. The exchange theory postulates that human relations based initially and above all on self-interest. And if so, it seems natural to regard friendship as motivated only by what one person can get from another, and to interpret love as a sophisticated "muscle flexing" ... But, despite the fact that we would like to believe otherwise, we should not close our eyes to the fact that our attitude towards other people is largely determined by our appreciation of the rewards they bestow on us (p. 82).

It may be helpful to recall that although exchange theory borrows terminology from economics, the rewards and costs involved are often personal and unique: a charming smile and the sharing of secrets are as much a part of exchange theory as are fancy cars and expensive gifts.

You may have noticed that exchange matters are more important in some relationships than in others. For example, you could easily give in to your colleague's request to switch shifts for that week, but as a matter of course, you expect him to do the same for you on next week. In contrast, you and your best friend can do each other a lot of favors and come to the rescue when needed without any thought of any fixation of all that you have given and received in return.

To accommodate these considerations, Clark and Mills (Clark and Mills, 1979) distinguish between two types of relationships: exchange relationships and communal relationships. Both exchange processes operate, but the rules governing the mutual provision of services differ significantly. AT exchange relations (exchange relations) people provide services with the expectation of providing comparable services in return in the near future. Exchange relationships most often arise with strangers, casual acquaintances and in business relationships. In exchange relationships, people do not feel any special responsibility for the well-being of the other person. In contrast to this, in community relations (communal relations) people feel personally responsible for the needs of another. Community relationships usually develop between family members, friends, and love partners. In these relationships, people provide a partner with services to show their care for him and respond to his needs, without expecting to receive similar services in the near future.

Clark and Mills (Clark and Mills, 1994) developed a research agenda to identify differences between these two relationship orientations. Here are some of their results: in communal relationships, compared to exchange relationships, people pay more attention to the needs of the partner (Clark, Mills & Powell, 1986). Partners in community relationships prefer to communicate on emotional topics, such as sharing joys and sorrows; partners in an exchange relationship prefer to discuss unemotional topics, such as their favorite restaurant or gardening (Clark and Taraban, 1991). A person is perceived to be more altruistic when offering help to an acquaintance (weak community relationships that do not imply the need for close participation), and not only close friend(strong communal relationships, usually involving close participation). Similarly, a person is perceived as more selfish if he does not offer help to a close friend rather than just an acquaintance (Mills, Clark & ​​Mehta, 1992).

Instructions: Please circle the image that best describes your relationship.
Fig. 3 Scale of inclusion of the other in one's own "I".

Dale Carnegie

Let's think, friends, what role does the ability to build relationships with other people play in our lives? I think you will agree that it is very important. After all, this is personal life, which requires ideal relationship with the opposite sex, otherwise there will be no happiness in the family, and the money for which we need to build business relationship With different people, and friends we can rely on, and connections with useful people who empower us, and much, much more. At the same time, relationships between people are not always smooth and efficient, despite the obvious usefulness of such relationships. And this is due to the fact that people are usually not taught to competently build relationships with each other. In most cases, we learn this skill ourselves, in the process of interacting with each other, guided mainly by everyday experience, and not by some special knowledge that needs to be drawn from special sources, for example, in books on psychology. As a result, many people have problems in relationships with each other, which can significantly complicate their lives. So that this does not happen, so that you, dear readers, competently build your relationships with any people, I suggest you read this article.

Let's start by asking you one of the most important questions for us - what do we want from other people? After all, we all want something from each other, and therefore we build various forms of relationships with each other, from the simplest to the very complex. Therefore, if you clearly and clearly understand what exactly you need from this or that person, you will be able to determine the form of relationship with him that will suit both you and him. But having decided on what you want from another person, from other people, now think about what you yourself can offer him or them? After all, if you want to build normal, useful relationships with people, you must think not only about what you want, but also about what other people want. Without this, you will not be able to interest them in yourself. Because you, and me, and all of us, are not interested in building relationships with those who do not care about us, who do not want to give us anything, but only want to take something from us. So right? And how often do you think about what you can be of interest to this or that person with whom you want to build certain relationships? Or let's just say - how carefully do you work on this issue? Based on my experience of working with people on this issue, I must say that they do not pay enough attention to it, and therefore experience various problems in relationship with each other. In other words, diplomacy is lame in many people - they do not think enough about the interests of others and therefore cannot competently link their interests with those of others. And then what kind of relations can we talk about if they do not meet the interests of one of the parties? About violent ones, about those in which one person or a group of people tolerates others? Such relationships, as history shows, are unreliable. So it's better to look mutual language with people, and not to impose their will by force.

So the first conclusion that we can draw, speaking about the relationship between people, will be this: good, reliable, strong relationships can only be built on mutually beneficial terms. However, you and I are adults and therefore we understand [must understand] that mutually beneficial conditions can be different and not always we are talking about absolutely equal relations between people. Someone in them may be more even, due to their capabilities and their status. Therefore, it is already important to understand what a person has the right to count on, being who he is. And then after all, some people want such an attitude to themselves, which, let's say, they did not deserve. But due to the fact that their opinion of themselves is unreasonably high, they insist on such relationships with people in which few people will be interested in them. For example, an ordinary employee of the company may believe that his boss is unfairly receiving higher wages in comparison with him, although he himself is not able to do all the work that the boss does, since he lacks the competence for this. But the desire to be equal to someone who is superior to you in some way prevents people from objectively assessing themselves and their capabilities. Therefore, different people have different understandings of what conditions are mutually beneficial and what relationships are fair. Because of this difference of opinion, people may have certain problems in dealing with each other. Let's talk about them now.

relationship problems

Relationship problems, no matter what, are experienced by most people. I even dare to say that everyone faces these problems from time to time. And as we found out above, very common cause of these problems is the biased idea of ​​​​people about what their relations with others should be. A lot of people want to be treated like they don't deserve. Here, of course, there is a place for selfishness, and short-sightedness, and the inability to adequately evaluate oneself and others, and even banal childish capriciousness can declare itself when people want the impossible. I often have to work with all this, helping people solve their problems in relationships with others.

But each of you can deal with all these points yourself, thinking about what his relationships with different people are based on. In general, everything is very simple - if you know the objective value of yourself, you will be able to understand what you should count on when building relationships with this or that person. And then you will not ask or demand what is not profitable and not interesting for you to give to another person, to other people. You will receive exactly the kind of treatment that you deserve at the moment. Something will have to be given to you, something people will give you in return. But it is not at all necessary that such an exchange will be absolutely equal. You, I repeat, will get what you deserve. And if you're smart enough, you'll accept it and won't ask for more. Then your relationships with people will objectively be mutually beneficial. Not equal, but mutually beneficial. And then everything will depend on you. The more benefit you can bring to other people, the higher their need for you will be, which means that they themselves will be ready to give you more in order to maintain a relationship with you.

Another cause of problems in relationships is straightforwardness, this is when people say what they think and act intuitively, on emotions, you can even say reflexively - without thinking properly. Well, you yourself know perfectly well what this leads to. This leads to conflicts, and sometimes quite stupid ones. And people often turn to psychologists not before, but after they make mistakes because of their straightforward attitude to a particular situation, problem, people. So let's think with you, what is the problem of a straightforward approach? Basically, it does not take into account the reaction of other people to certain words and actions of yours. If you, for example, tell a person that he is wrong about something, that he is mistaken, then your words will most likely cause him backlash. Do you agree? Nobody likes to feel stupid, wrong, nobody likes to be wrong. And even if you are objectively right, pointing out to a person his mistakes, then he may simply not accept your criticism. Just think, what a wise person you need to be, if not positively, then at least neutrally react to criticism, remarks, reproaches addressed to you? Do you think most people are just like that - wisely perceive negative information about themselves, draw conclusions from it and use it to personal growth? Naturally, no. People are much simpler for the most part. They do not react with their head to criticism, but with their emotions. Then, one asks, why behave with them in a way that is unprofitable to do so? Why be direct? The answer is simple: many people do not know how to control themselves and are used to doing something first, and only then thinking. As a result, their straightforwardness often prevents them from building normal relationships with people. I want to tell a person everything as it is, but it is impossible, because a person will not understand. So you need to be flexible. And how many people know how to do it? In fact of the matter. It is always easier to swear, scandal, criticize, condemn, it does not require a great mind. But there is little or no benefit from these things, rather only harm.

Let's think about how to learn to build relationships with people using a flexible approach to them? I believe that for this you need to be able to manipulate people. That is, covertly manage them. It is manipulation that allows people to act flexibly, creatively, outside the box and effectively, rather than straightforwardly. With its help, you can play highly effective multi-way combinations that will allow you to find a common language with any person. However, most people have a predominantly negative attitude towards any manipulation. This is due to the fact that most of them do not know how to correctly manipulate others, since they were not taught this, but at the same time they themselves are afraid of becoming a victim of someone's manipulation. Hence the criticism of this psychological tool. But since it happens anyway - people manipulated and manipulate each other different ways, then it would still be better to learn this skill, and not condemn it. Then it will not be necessary to shove like a tank in order to achieve something from people, because a person will have a lot of other opportunities to build the relationships he needs with them. Let me show you one way to build relationships with people through manipulation.

Tuning

Adjustment is one of the ways to covertly influence people in order to gain confidence in them. And having entered into trust with a person, you will lay a solid foundation for your relationship with him. Usually, in order to please people, it is useful to adapt to them, since everyone is pleased to communicate with those who look, think, behave, just like them. But there are very strong personalities in our society who, with their energy alone, force others to imitate them and thus adjust the crowd to suit themselves. There are few such people, but they exist. These are leaders, both by nature and due to a special upbringing. But they, too, sometimes adapt to others if they have enough flexibility. Because it required quality for a person who wants to enjoy great popularity among the people around him. You can’t always stick to your own line, this is not effective behavior.

You can adapt to people intuitively, or you can quite consciously, only for this you need to undergo special training. Still, tuning is a very subtle art. If you just monkey around, then nothing will work, you need to read people well in order to understand how to become like them and please them. Therefore, before adapting to a person - copying him appearance, behavior, mood, and most importantly - agreeing with his opinion, beliefs, thoughts, you need to carefully observe him. After all, without knowing the true value system of a person, it is impossible to imitate him imperceptibly, and this is very important for naturalness. Therefore, observe, observe and observe a person again, study him, try to notice any little things in his behavior, memorize his every word in order to understand the course of his thoughts and learn about all his beliefs. Some people are inconsistent, they can abandon their decisions without any logical justification, but only under the influence of emotions. Therefore, it is important to notice this and behave in a similar way, skillfully jumping with a person from one thought to another. It can be unpleasant, sometimes it can even be annoying, but the main thing is the result. We are all not perfect, we all have our shortcomings, we need to be more tolerant of this. If you do not learn to accept people for who they are, or rather, if you do not learn to accept their shortcomings, you will not be able to build a relationship with them that is useful to you. Therefore, in order to skillfully adapt to others, you need to be more tolerant of them. So, when you thoroughly study the person you want to adapt to, rehearse your behavior at home in order to get used to a new role for yourself. And only then begin to demonstrate this behavior in the company of this person. In other words, get ready for the actual adjustment ahead of time.

Competent adjustment helps to find a common language with almost all people. And that's because everyone is different. And having found a common language with them, you will be able to build the relationship you need with them. After all, the more understanding between people, the easier it is for them to agree and get along with each other. In the future, of course, you will have to gradually become yourself if you plan to build a long-term and very close relationship with a person. But this is a completely different job. The main thing is to lay a solid foundation for relationships, and only then they can be slowly built in the right way. Now let's talk about another very important point on which the quality of human relations depends.

expectations

We all have expectations about life and other people. For some they are quite vague, while for others they are quite specific. And after all, what plans we sometimes make for people, what great dreams we associate with them, which, unfortunately, are not always fulfilled. And when our expectations are not met, we often blame other people for this, as if they are to blame for the fact that we invented a lot of things for ourselves. And think, friends, do we really need all these expectations, or is it better to let life surprise us with something from time to time? After all, sometimes people turn out to be dissatisfied with a completely normal life and enough happy relationship with interesting people because they just don't fit in with their plans for life. But this is not a necessary condition for happiness, for normal life to be able to enjoy it. Why do we need to carry out our plans at all costs? Why not, instead, adjust them in such a way that they fit perfectly into the reality in which we live?

You know, very often I ask people a question, while solving some of their problems with relationships with different people: why do they think that there should be something in their life this way and not otherwise? Why is another scenario of their life unacceptable for them? Why does another form of relationship with this or that person or people not seem normal to them? And with the help of such questions, we often come to the conclusion that the expectations that a person - my client had and have, those his plans for life that he built for a long time, those dreams that he had and has, are far from so he needed, as he thought. It is quite possible to refuse them and nothing terrible will happen. This is a very simple path to happiness, but it is so difficult to pass. Just think how often we complain about different people because they did not help us fulfill our dreams, that they did not live up to our expectations, that they did not make us happy, as if the whole thing is really in them, and not in us. Note that I say “we” because there is no need to point fingers at anyone here - we all sin in one way or another. And this is a real problem for many people. They do not accept what they have, what life gives them, they want something else, which is not clear where it came from in their head.

And how often people ruin relationships with each other because of some of their outdated plans for life, in which there is not much sense. It often seems to them that everything is always better for others, that another life is more interesting, brighter, happier, that it is only they who are so unhappy, because they do not have something or they lack something. All these harmful thoughts destroy a person from the inside and often harm his relationships with very valuable and even loving people. So the expectation of something, from relationships, from other people, from life, is often associated with a person's dissatisfaction with his life. No need to run away with your thoughts far into the future and draw it in your own way. This occupation can destroy your present. You can plan something in your life, there is nothing wrong with that, it is even useful. But do not count on the fact that these plans will necessarily come true. Life is a tricky thing, it always builds such combinations for each person that he is forced to rack his brains to understand why his affairs are developing this way and not otherwise. And if he does not do this, then he is simply disappointed in his life, believing that it did not work out for him.

Friends, relationships between people are work. And it needs to be done. Such things cannot be left to chance. If you want to normal relationship with people at all levels - you need to learn how to build them and then practice the knowledge gained. How important this is to you, you can understand by paying attention to the quality of the relationships you already have with different people. If they do not suit you, you need to deal with this issue, because it will not be solved by itself. Well, if they are satisfied, I can only be happy for you and wish you to continue to build successful and helpful relationship with people.

Let's talk about relationships today. What are the relationships?

We live in such a time that often relationships can be considered to have begun when sex has already happened. Now no one teaches girls to treat the beginning of a relationship differently, to start a relationship not with sexual intimacy, but today is not about that.

Of course, everyone wants great and bright love, but nothing is perfect in life, in order to at least get closer to the ideal, you have to work hard. Preparation for a relationship begins at any moment, and it is important here that the choice of a girl took place before sex. After sex, if partners need a relationship, they will take some action. And on what kind of actions it will depend on what kind of relationship will be. What actions can these be?

I don't need responsibility.

Mostly sex and nothing else. However, even here you can meet, do something together. But don't make any plans for the future. In such a relationship, one partner satisfies his benefit at the expense of the other, no big addiction from each other. At any time, each of the partners can end the relationship. The purpose of such relationships is the satisfaction of physiological needs.

I am responsible for the relationship.

In such a relationship, in addition to sex, cohabitation and property are possible. But at the same time, everyone understands that the future is ambiguous. Nobody thinks about a wedding, but it is possible civil marriage. This type is suitable for young partners, when each of them has not yet understood whether he wants to move to the next stage of the relationship or is not yet ready for greater responsibility and change. Parting occurs if one of the partners wants to go to the third stage, and the second does not. The purpose of such a relationship is to create and satisfy the feeling that you are not alone.

I choose a fulfilling relationship.

In this kind of relationship, there mutual love, talk about marriage, engagement, wedding, family, children. And it seems that these relationships will last a lifetime, but not everything is so perfect. And even people who are related by marriage break up - this is called divorce. Divorce is the most problematic form of separation, as the division of property begins, to whom to leave children and the like. But this type of relationship is the most intense and its goal is the mutual development of each other, the development of love and intimacy between each other.

And another type of relationship, which we will consider separately - friendship.

The psychology of relationships differently answers the question of whether there is a place in life friendship between man and woman. Many are convinced that the existence of this type of relationship, in principle, cannot be. Over time, friendship between people of different sexes will definitely grow into more deep feeling called love. Or the opposite can happen, everything can turn into a quarrel and two very recently close people break up and stop any communication.

But if you go back to the very beginning of the article and think about how you can start a relationship with sex, then the answer may be as follows - start a relationship with friendship. And in the process of a relationship, let another person consider yourself and consider a partner and understand whether this is the person with whom you really want to be?

The main thing, no matter what relationship you have with your partner, remember that no relationship can exist without: trust, mutual respect, understanding and mutual support.

Be happy in your relationship!

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Attempts to understand intersexual relations and the subtle sphere of emotions have been made by people since antiquity. Especially a lot of attention was paid to love: they came up with definitions for it, decomposed it into components. The ancient Greeks classified three main and three intermediate types of love. Based on this knowledge, sociologists, psychologists and philosophers built their own concepts and assumptions about what intersexual relationships are.

If feelings are developed in such a way as to be stronger and last, then partners become more sensitive to each other, they develop empathy qualitatively, they become less selfish. Source: Flickr (D_O_R_O_Z_H_K_I_N_A)

Psychology of relations between a man and a woman

Healthy relationships are only possible between mature individuals.

Unhealthy relationships involve co-dependence of the partner on bad habits, incorrect behavior second side. The co-dependent partner controls the second partner with cunning, persuasion, threats, bribery, since cooperation between them is not established.

A kind of unhealthy relationship is tyrannical-victim, where one partner acts as a victim and is so used to it that he is not aware of his position or is aware, but does not want to change, and the second is in the role of an aggressor.

Types of relationships between a man and a woman

Based on the ancient Greek theory of the types of love, Canadian sociologist John Alan Lee described what relationships are between a man and a woman.

This is a passionate attraction to the object of love, which is based on sexual desire and the desire to master a partner. The image of the object is idealized. Relations develop rapidly, with quarrels and reconciliations, partings and reunions. Jealousy is almost always present in relationships. Treason is used as an instrument of influence. Eros is the love of very young people. Over time, it either fades away, without any significant grounds, or develops into a stronger feeling. Long-term relationships based on eros have a devastating effect on the nervous and mental health, exhaust partners and emotionally devastate them, leaving disappointment in ended relationships and doubts about future ones.

  • Storge

This is a deep feeling that develops smoothly, without drops. The basis of such love is tenderness, awe, friendship between partners, common interests and mutual respect. Relationships based on it can last a lifetime. Such love may seem boring to temperamental people, but it is she who is the most mature and healthy type of love.

  • Ludus

This is a kind of competition between partners, love is a game with a hedonistic character. Relationships of this kind tend to be short-lived and frequent change partners. Individually, none of them is valuable as a person for each side. They are just a means of entertainment. If both partners are satisfied with a similar form, then the so-called open relationship which can be quite long. Over time, such relationships will either outlive themselves and fall apart, or move into a different state. It happens that love-ludus forms the basis of marriage, where spouses lead a free lifestyle, but at the same time are tied to each other by friendship, business, creativity or other joint things.

The three basic types of love combined give three derivatives:

  • Mania (eros and ludus)

It is unstable, dangerous and destructive love. Its synonym is obsession. One wants to possess and is jealous, the other plays with these feelings and is amused by emotional reactions. The constant companions of these relationships are tension, blindness, obsession.

Such relationships are doomed in advance.

  • Pragma (storge and ludus)

This is a rational relationship that develops smoothly and calmly. They are based not on an accidental feeling, but on allowing yourself to experience this feeling. Moreover, the resolution is balanced and explained to itself. Pragma - love by calculation, and the calculation is based on considerations of one's own spiritual security. Such relationships can become long-lasting and even happy if an element of freedom and emotionality is added to them.

  • Agape (eros and storge)

This is a rare type of love. Selfless feeling based on self-giving and self-sacrifice. An amazing combination of passion and tenderness, selflessness and devotion.

If feelings are developed in such a way as to be stronger and last, then partners become more sensitive to each other, they develop empathy qualitatively, they become less selfish.

Of all the listed types, only storge can actually be called love. Only in this type of relationship is mutual interest in each other's spiritual comfort possible, spiritual development, physical health. Exactly similar relationship can form the basis of a strong family.

The dominant feeling in a relationship

In addition to love, the relationship between a man and a woman can be based on other subjects.

  • Calculation

This is no longer a pragma, where the object of love was evaluated in terms of personal qualities. In a relationship of convenience, the identity of the partner means nothing. Only money and property that a partner has, his business connections, status and position in society, which could play a service for the other side, are of interest.

Relationships of convenience are started by cynical people who do not believe in love and deny unselfish relationships. As for a partner who has benefits, he either conscientiously errs about feelings for him, or also builds relationships on the basis of receiving, in exchange for money, status and preferences, access to the body of a young attractive partner, the opportunity to demonstrate him in his environment, to satisfy with him his secret needs.

During life, everyone creates certain relationships depending on their goals and feelings towards a partner - all this is very individual.

Relations. What does such a familiar word mean? As explained in the dictionaries, these are connections, interactions between people that arise in the process of communication, performing some kind of joint action.

In the daily life of every adult, social relations arise. Or as they are often called, social. These include legal, moral, material, production relations. Speaking more streamlined, these are all the relationships between people in some social group or in society as a whole.

As a rule, this type of relationship does not imply the manifestation of certain feelings, strong emotions. Such relationships are subject, rather, to some norms, rules, canons in force in society. They are formal.

Informal relations can be attributed to those that arise between specific people. And they are supposed to be mutual. That is, if one person has any feelings towards another, but these people are not connected by communication, then such relations cannot be called informal.

There are many types of interpersonal informal relationships. They can be friendly, friendly, loving, intimate, related, family. And this is not all examples. Do not forget also that hostile relations sometimes arise between people. Such as hatred, enmity, rivalry. Simply put, informal or so-called interpersonal relationships are built on feelings of sympathy or antipathy, always emotionally colored. People are either drawn to each other, or, conversely, repelled. But, one way or another, both parties are involved in these relations.

In relationships of this kind, people usually participate for many years. Beginning with early childhood when relationships with other people are formed in a child not even consciously, on an emotional, intuitive level.

Any person can also experience certain attitudes towards someone or something. But at the same time they are one-sided, not requiring any reaction. They characterize to a greater extent a sense of perception, behavior, a position taken by a person in relation to the object of attention.

Summing up, I would like to note that all types of relationships are closely intertwined with each other. Each person throughout his life constantly encounters individuals or any social groups. At the same time, he is involved simultaneously in interpersonal and social relations. Which over time can transform from one type to another.