An elderly mother is a manipulator. Several ways to resist manipulation. The road to actualization

14.04.2019

Not all women have been given beauty from birth and the ticket in the genetic lottery does not always coincide with a winning combination features of appearance, idolized at a specific time in a specific place. Born skinny in today's Mauritania - problems. Born with a size 40 foot in medieval China - problems. She was born today in Russia with a dense physique ...

Beauty is a gift, and even escaping over the years, no matter how hard you try. Something uncontrollable and elusive, despite all the achievements plastic surgery and hormone therapy... It would be strange to bet on survival with such a dubious and rare tool. And power and security in the majority traditional societies for thousands of years it belonged to men, what then can bind them to itself and give them access to resources, if not beauty? What can help you compete with other women?

Manipulation.

I'll make a reservation right away, as any instrument - a knife, medicine, dental instruments (during the Inquisition, instruments for treating teeth and instruments of torture were essentially the same) - manipulation is just a tool and how to use it depends on the will of the manipulator.

Manipulation.

They not only do not depend on appearance, but over the years, in contrast to beauty, the skill of the manipulator only grows. And who got the beauty and still managed to manipulate - such went down in history and still excite the fantasies of screenwriters, like some Khyurrem (Roksolana), who had such an influence on the Sultan that she easily interfered in his political decisions. Whether she would need bloody manipulations if she could realize her political ambitions and talents directly, the question is open.

Beauty is the speed of seizing power, manipulation is the reliability of holding power.

The passion of a male ruler of any rank for a young beauty is short, and no matter how fervent his words love confessions, from the moment of sexual intimacy, time is working against her. Hence, very careful decisions were prescribed when and with whom - preferably later, so that other communication mechanisms could sprout (Anna Boleyn tried very hard, but alas - important in manipulations, like with any poison, the required dosage - too much in any direction is fatal, for her it happened in the literal sense). And hence the great dislike-censure to accessible to women on the part of exactly-all-planning women - for dumping in the market. As today, many European workers are for labor migrants who are ready to work for a bowl of rice instead of a solid salary and a social package. By the way, with the same rhetoric about "dirty" people.

The patriarchy system had a clear message: all men are a resource, all women are competitors: there are more men attached to you around you, fewer women close, especially smart, young and beautiful. And more men attached at any level - friendly, sexual, related. The most skillful ones combine all levels all in one. No wonder there are women who rejoice at their old age or inconspicuousness - the heaviest burden of daily life falls from their shoulders. female competition and envy.

Today's security, albeit at a different level, still depends on men - first of all, this is a different status married woman, the status of social security, protection from explicit and implicit attacks of judgments. For example, the absence of an official husband when registering a pregnant woman in antenatal clinic is still considered as a disadvantage factor when calculating the risk category.

Of course, there are also manipulative men such that hoo, but based on the foregoing, women have been massively forced to train this skill for centuries. It is automatic - and this is the answer to a very frequent question"Well, it can't be that my mother does this on purpose." This is not on purpose (most often), in the sense that a woman does not sit on the eve of a conversation with her husband / son / daughter and does not build a dialogue plan, this is her way of communication.

The skill of manipulation is also the skill of "burying" aggression-resentment, not manifesting it directly, as is allowed for men in battles-battles-direct competition, but through such mechanisms, which, as they say, you cannot find fault with. This is when, after communicating with a toxic mother, an adult daughter formally has nothing to say, but after a phrase like "oh, of course you can go on vacation with this guy, I already need to get used to being the only one who needs an old sick mother, that's understandable" - feelings not pleasant.

The most reliable basis for manipulation is guilt. Feelings of guilt are in no way equal to respect, and even more so to love. Are there people in your environment whom you deeply respect and are always ready to help them? Do you feel guilty towards them? Is wine obligatory for respect and help in difficult situation? Are there anyone you love unconditionally without any guilt?

Wine is an effective whip method, but toxic to both sides. All these cliches "I raised you", "I gave up for you", "I endured this marriage for you" - the list is endless - generate guilt for the child with a 120% guarantee. This message does not always come in the form of words, the more complex the personality structure of the manipulator, the thinner the web of guilt is woven. And the thinner it is, the more difficult it is for the victim to see the problem outside himself. And even if we are not talking about deliberate manipulations in the style of diplomats' games, but about really assimilated social automatisms, this does not relieve the manipulator of responsibility. After all, we agree that reckless killing is a crime.

Guilt binds you the most. Because it is such an uncomfortable feeling that a person is ready to do anything to take it off. What do they say there? Guilty husband the most useful thing on the farm. As well as the guilty son. As well as the guilty daughter. The guilty son is under control. A guilty daughter is not a competitor.

In the absence of the experience of experiencing free love on the part of another or out of a deep existential fear of loneliness, a woman can cling to these mechanisms of "tying" known to her and many generations before her, even though there are no objective threats to her financial or other security - as they were in times, for example, of the sultanate, when it was important to become "valid" - the mother of the future sultan and to have maximum influence on her son. And no matter how the young wife laments "my God, how can you not see that your mother is simply manipulating, and not dying of a heart attack from the fact that we did not go to her" - the husband desperately runs to the car to save his mother from certain death, at the same time angry at his heartless wife, however, his mother warned him about the callousness of his daughter-in-law ...

Often men really "cannot see these manipulations" - because only those skills that train them develop. One can argue for a long time within the framework of the concept of "men from Mars, women from Venus" on the social, genetic, historical level, whether all this happens or all together a little, but the average temperature in the hospital hints that women cope with underwater emotional levels better. The only question is in what direction they direct these currents invisible at first sight.

It is important to note that the daughter, within the framework of activating the mechanisms of survival, is the same competitive figure as other women - even worse, the enemy is in the rear. She takes away her husband's love - she is his blood dearer than wife... At the same time, the sacred image of the mother cannot be touched even in fairy tales - and in fairy tales there is a separation. One plot in different ways - the young stepdaughter has grown up, and the stepmother does not find a place for herself out of rage, jealousy and envy. But she is a stepmother only because the image of a mother is inviolable. Stepmother is not like that frequent occurrence, to stubbornly roam on so many subjects. To be angry with the mother, to compete with the mother is a direct threat to life, for the mother is the source of this life. The daughter has nothing to oppose to this attack - usually you have to collect everything in yourself: diseases, excess weight, frequent illnesses, depressive disorders ...

The mother loves, regrets, cares, and the stepmother envies, is jealous and hates. The mother gives birth to the world, and the stepmother takes it from the light. And the most difficult thing is when it is the same person who performs various toxic actions with the words “for your own good, you need to go to dark forest fear ".

In fairy tales, only marriage saves the stepdaughter (“I did not marry for love, just to leave home as soon as possible” - part can be heard). But then in fairy tales, in reality, the toxic parent has his power through the feeling of guilt and after the child leaves home and even after his death. Through, again, the manipulation of the feeling of guilt, which is firmly rooted in the victim's head. It can take years of therapy to get out of the web of manipulation, but it's worth it.

I tried so hard for you, cooked your favorite dumplings, but you don't eat! How can you do this to me.

Yes, I understand that you are very upset. I'm really sorry, but I just ate and I'm not hungry right now.

Well, how can you treat me like that?

I'm really sorry.

You never gave a damn about my feelings!

I can see that you are angry now. I respect your right to any opinion about me and my behavior, even if it does not coincide with mine. Someone needs several months of training to realize such a standard dialogue of calmness and boundaries.

Someone years. The skill of reflection and inhibition is not easy. These neural connections don't grow quickly.

Mother-son has its own dynamics. Mother-daughter is a different competition. Mindfulness and strength maternal love of course stronger than products social evolution. The ability to reflect and be aware of the meanings of one's feelings and actions, to sacrifice one's emotional comfort for the sake of children's freedom is a difficult skill that requires painstaking work. But without its development with very very likely social automatisms can take control of behavior. Weeds always grow lighter than roses. Human freedom begins where there is the ability to get out of the causal relationship, where there is the skill of inhibition of impulses and awareness of one's behavior.

You cannot force this from the outside - you can understand how sometimes children of toxic parents want to “reach out and explain everything,” they think that they just need to find correct words, show your pain and then the stepmother will turn into a mother. But the processes of change are born only from within. Or not born ... The gospel metaphor “Behold, I stand at the door and knock” (Rev. 3:20) about the powerlessness of even God before human freedom of choice, whatever this choice may be.

Guilt is generally a very simplistic construction for explaining human actions. Rather, there are causal traps and the wrong choice (s) at some point in time. But this does not make anyone feel better. The most important thing to understand for children of toxic parents is:

You are not to blame for your parents' difficult childhood / marriage / life.
It is not your fault that, having come to this world as a child, you had needs that do not coincide with the resources of your parents.
It is not your fault that your parents somehow failed to cope with their role and did not find the resources to help themselves - even if they lived in difficult times.
You are not responsible for the fact that you were shouted at, beaten, humiliated, not accepted - you were just a child with no defense mechanisms.
You are not responsible for everything that happened to you as a child.
You are only responsible for deciding what to do with all this "inheritance" ...

Some of them have a special gift: clicking on the most sore spot, they make children blame themselves for every imaginable sins.
Psychologist Ekaterina Mikhailova tells how, without offending anyone, to get rid of the influence of the mother, to move back to a safe distance in a relationship.

The daughter says to her mother: "We bought a lot of groceries, I hope you don't have to go to the store in the next few days." She replies: "I knew that I would see you no earlier than in a couple of weeks."

Some mothers instinctively touch us where we are most vulnerable and do so no matter how old we are. Their words instantly turn any of us into a bad son or bad daughter... How can the situation be changed?

Admitting that you are being manipulated

“If we are strongly attached to our mother, it’s not easy to understand that she is manipulating us, but we are in fact not to blame for anything,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. “It’s not easy to admit, because over the years we have deeply absorbed (internalized) this type of relationship with her. And, as adults, we still feel the fear of being rejected if we no longer meet my mother's requirements. "

To free yourself from the imposed feeling of guilt, you need to protect yourself from her desires, to overcome the prohibitions that she has established. It may be worth changing jobs or choosing another job if you are doing it at the insistence of your mother.

Or maybe part with a partner whose candidacy she so carefully selected for you. All this will help to understand: contrary to her predictions, the world did not collapse when you took up the implementation own plans.

Don't catch the bait

“In the case of emotional blackmail - and this is what you can call the imposition of guilt on another person - you need to remember that you are unlikely to be able to change your mother’s behavior; only your attitude to the situation can change,” emphasizes Ekaterina Mikhailova. “Strengthen the strength to admit that your behavior helps her to keep playing her favorite games.”

Try to change your angle of view and see in the mother not an all-powerful demon, but just a person who does not know how to build relationships differently.

“It is quite possible that it is not easy for mom to ask you, an adult, for something, and she does it in such a strange way,” notes Ekaterina Mikhailova. - But why are you angry, instead of just saying: "I am not ready (a) to discuss this now ..."? " A constructive dialogue can be built only by controlling your behavior, without blaming. It is also helpful to figure out if there is something in your relationship with your mom that you are really to blame for. “If you have something to seriously reproach yourself for when you are alone with your mother, ask her for forgiveness - sincerely and thoughtfully,” advises Ekaterina Mikhailova.

There is Great chance that the tension in your relationship will gradually subside.

Switch attention

TO emotional blackmail parents who do not have their own life, their own interests often come running. Because of this, they seem to pull the children closer and try to live their lives, completely oblivious to the fact that they are literally suffocating from such closeness.

“Look at your mother with a detachment and think about what“ this woman ”could do,” suggests Ekaterina Mikhailova. - Maybe in her youth she was fond of painting? Invite her to start drawing again, buy what is needed for this, find a place where she can draw for her pleasure. Perhaps with your help she will find her hobby. "

But she will have much less time to interfere in your life.

Make a schedule

Every time, leaving her mother, Marianne is late for the bus: at the moment when she is about to leave, the mother begins to complain that her daughter spent little time with her, and she, proving the opposite, forgets about everything.

“Relationships need clear boundaries,” Ekaterina Mikhailova is sure, “but it takes time to establish them. So, one of my clients for six (!) Years taught my mother to start phone conversation not with a complaint about feeling unwell, demands to urgently do something, but on the question of whether the daughter now has the opportunity to speak. "

Since it is mathematical precision that helps to minimize such conflicts, when you come to visit, immediately tell your parents what time you will leave; Warn in advance that you will not spend your entire vacation at the dacha. Do not start a conversation with the words “I can’t (I don’t want to)” - this “childish grammar” is unlikely to help establish an adult relationship. Better tell about your intentions and feelings. If the situation has gone too far, it will help to get it back on track. radical remedy: do not be afraid to "shake up" your mom a little, to bring her back to reality, reminding you that you have matured and do not live by her, but by your own rules.

Do not be moved by yourself

“It happens that an adult son or daughter themselves do not want to change their relationship with their mother,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - To some extent, they even like that mother depends on them, it is flattering that it is them that she asks for help. Such children say: "I am her whole life." If you are uncomfortable with being used, but at the same time, such a relationship paradoxically gives a feeling self-worth, you are faced with a choice: leave everything as it is (including your role as an "honorable donor") and stop expecting from your mother what she can never give you, or start a long, difficult job, the purpose of which is to establish emotional distance in relationship".

Be prepared for the fact that your resistance will increase the mother's persistence: she may even resort to one of the most effective methods- the attack or the image of the victim. Since most do this unconsciously, endless conversations, arguments, clarifications will follow, which will require confidence, consistency and firmness from you. This means that you will have to start working on your relationship with yourself.

Be able to maneuver

To achieve the necessary distance in a relationship, some decide to resort to the last resort - deception. "You shouldn't wait for me, until the end of the month I definitely won't be able to come - the audit is at work." The path of lies is simple, but it does not solve the problem. emotional dependence... This also applies to the formal break with the mother: in the end, this is just a way to stop contact with her, and not a solution to the problem. At some point, we run the risk of facing the same claims again.

How to proceed? Insist on sticking to your own boundaries, because they create a space within which you build your life. Follow your own needs and train yourself not to look back at your mother - what she thinks, what she says. Only then can you hope that her words will lose their power over you and you will stop flinching when she again presses on your sore spot.

You can easily answer her "no" and do not feel guilty, or, conversely, say "yes", sincerely agreeing with her. If you can do that, then Mom has lost her ability to drive you to despair. Perhaps you have a new relationship ahead: you can finally get to know a real person and in the future to deal with him, and not with the fantastically omnipotent Mom from your long-ended childhood.

Daughters worry more

Who is more susceptible to maternal reproaches - daughters or sons?

“Girls are more worried,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - Ability to give in, take care of others, appreciate human relations fits into the traditional set of desirable character traits and behavior of daughters. „ Good girl“She should be on the alert all the time: is she not guilty of something, is it necessary to correct something, whether she has taken care of enough ... The experiences of the sons are somewhat different. The boy learns faster to project his feelings on other people or to deny them altogether (this is how the mechanisms of psychological defense work). Which is quite understandable: young people are supposed to be courageous, independent, able to go into conflict, which means that they hurt someone's feelings, interests and not really worry about how others, even people close to them, will perceive their words and actions. "

The manipulating parent is not always a subtle psychologist and expert on human souls. The manipulation of one's own children grows out of a misunderstanding of responsibility, which is perceived as constant obsessive control and deprivation of the child's right to independence.

Hence these numerous "mom knows better how to do it", "you will bring me to a heart attack", "I am ashamed of you in front of people", "you must" and "did I raise you for this?"

The desire to manipulate is most often dictated by feelings of insecurity and anxiety, which can only be dealt with with the help of total control and distrust. And they, in turn, need to be disguised as something specious: care, anxiety, the desire-to-do-better. But the saddest thing is that a child never ceases to be small for such a mother - be he at least 30, at least 50 ... For her, he always needs care, and therefore - and control too.

A manipulative mother of her own free will is unlikely to change the format of relations with her adult child: she will definitely ask how he ate and poke her nose into unwashed dishes. She will ask who called, tell her what she thinks about it - she will ask not to come late and threaten with another sore or gray hair that appeared by the grace of the child. It is useless to hope that parental manipulation will someday dissipate on its own.

Manipulating mothers, of course, are not averse to announcing: "when you graduate from college, then ..." or "when you have your own children, then ...". But the continuation of such announcements usually becomes "then I can die peacefully." Note: no one stuttered about the removal of control over the over-aged child. The parent will continue to play on feelings of guilt and a sense of duty.

Children of manipulating parents can be in two global states: either they realize that they are a victim of total control, or they don't. Those who have realized what is happening have several options to choose from.

Tolerate

It does you credit as a person with infinite respect for your parents. But nothing more. What does it mean to endure? Firstly, to understand that you are not the master of your own destiny, secondly, to constantly struggle with irritation towards the parent, and thirdly - to feel guilt all the time (“she is everything to me - and I ...”). There is a lot of contradictions, satisfaction with life is zero, but there is an opportunity to fully feel like a good person.

Are there any other options? We will talk about them now.

Sort things out

For those who have lost their psychological innocence and began to realize parental manipulations, the way to sort out the relationship is the most common. Desire to understand "Who are they holding me for?" and "Who are you?" usually lead to numerous scandals. So far, no successful attempt has been made to point out errors in behavior to parents that would have been taken into account.

Retire

A slightly more mature way is separation. That is, separation from parental family, independent life and reduction of contacts. At first, those who have become a “cut off slice” are tormented by a sense of guilt. And there is a rational grain in this: parents may need help, after all, they need attention, they most likely have health problems. It is unlikely that the habits of your parents got you enough to completely cut off all contacts? Moreover, manipulative parents consider children to be a certain part of themselves: for them, parting with a child is akin to finding themselves without an arm or a leg.

Become the same

It happens that parents who are manipulators grow up a worthy change who begins to hone their manipulative skills on themselves. The result is a kind of symbiosis of lovebird manipulators, a truly dramatic sight. There is no doubt: these skills, initially used as protection, will be applied by the child to others around him and to his own children, and in the future will become the main way of his communication.

Change the situation

"Have mercy in her mother Inner Child, feel sorry for the silly, helpless Girl in her. Your annoyance, irritation, disgust, anger - of course, you should restrain and hide for the sake of it (these are the feelings of your helpless Inner Child) - and tenderness, sympathy, pity, understanding, encouragement, gratitude, love - should be expressed openly and in a variety of ways. Girl-Mom, like any child, should feel that she is loved unconditionally and without judgment, no matter what ”.

“Come more often and talk to her in an affectionate, adult tone when she is lying on the couch or in bed, sleepy or just tired. In this position, the Child subconsciously wakes up in a person, and everything that is said and done by sitting or standing next to it, if only it is colored by the spirit of confident benevolence, even more so love, is perceived as a powerful suggestion. "

Vladimir Levy

That is, to rebuild your relationship with manipulative parents. This is the most mature way, but also the most difficult. Many people do not believe that the relationships in which they have been included since childhood are amenable to change. Give in, but take effort.

Step one: understand. At this stage, one must realize that parental manipulations are not out of malice. They are from excessive responsibility, from lack of confidence in their abilities, from the desire for everything to be fine with you. In the end - because the mother, perhaps in childhood, was also manipulated by her parents.

Step two... After finding out that mom is also a person, make it clear what kind of person. What do you know about her childhood and adolescence, her relationship with her parents, why she chose her profession. Any details are important. Imagine that you are collecting material for her biography.

Step three... Feel yourself more mature own parents... Surely you have more experience in something, and besides, you are decorated with a mature decision to stop being an object of manipulation. Try to treat the manipulating parent the way the doctor treats the patient: kindly, firmly, patiently. There is no need to rush, expose, sort things out. Before you is a cross between a patient and a child. Do not "divorce" on parental attempts to drag you into a scandal and do not pay attention to all parental assessments that come to you.

Step four... At this stage, you need to start rebuilding your relationship with your parents. On the one hand, gradually increase the distance between them and your own privacy. You should not allow your parents to enter your personal space, do not give a chance to terrorize you with calls (it is better to call yourself - and not on schedule, but unexpectedly). On the other hand, parents should not get the impression that you are deliberately pushing them out of your life: show concern, give small gifts, if possible, go out together. After all, who is the most grown-up here - you or your parents? Plan an activity for your parents: losing weight on a schedule, going to the pool, listening to audio books, regularly asking how the process is going, sometimes you can be chided for shirking.

Svetlana Malevich

Fragment of the book Nazare-Agha I. They play on your feelings! Psychological protection from manipulators. Moscow: Peter, 2013

Who among us has not experienced psychological manipulation by relatives, friends, colleagues and just acquaintances? The disgusting feeling that you are forced to do what you absolutely do not want to do, is fraudulently pulled into another dubious story, is familiar to almost everyone. As a rule, we feel that we need to say “no”, but surrender under the pressure of emotions, this is what manipulators are counting on. They threaten, seduce, press on pity, make you feel guilty, and it seems to you that, despite the arguments of reason, you must give in. How can we deal with this kind of emotional terror? How to recognize a talented disguised manipulator? Tips are given by the famous French psychologist Isabelle Nazare-Agha. Her books about psychological manipulation have become bestsellers in Europe and translated into dozens of languages.

Learn to use counter-manipulation techniques

The concept of "countermanipulation" most often implies the use of techniques nebula... This technique uses methods of vague and superficial communication and is about non-committal. It is widely used by the manipulators themselves, as well as by people unresponsive to manipulations that use it intuitively and are completely unaware of this.

However, this technique allows us to expand the field of our capabilities. The basis of counter-manipulation is the adaptation to the manipulator every second in order to defend against it. Some points are favorable for answering with humor, others for answering with irony, and still others for a negative answer without comment (but not for an incomprehensible and vague answer). One must be vigilant when using this technique, as its use is not natural for most of us and requires a lot of effort from nervous system... As you probably already understood, counter-manipulation is performed using verbal means.

Don't think that the practice of counter-manipulation was created by my imagination. It is based on observing those who managed to extricate themselves from difficult situations associated with the presence of a manipulator. I mean people who are immune to manipulation and various provocations. In addition to the fact that these people do not emotionally feel attacks, criticism, threats, and others dangerous means unbalanced, they, as a rule, also respond to them in a similar way. They never read about it in books; they instinctively learned this at a very young age (due to the presence of a manipulator in their environment).

Specialists in human relations are very interested in this form of communication (highly undesirable in other circumstances) for one reason: the manipulator quickly moves away from people who are insensitive to their influence. At least to their ability to evoke unbalanced emotions. In fact, a manipulator cannot feel important or superior to an insensitive person, since he does not react on his provocations, no matter how sophisticated they may be. Remember in the first chapter we talked about a drowning person who can only come to the surface by leaning on the heads of others? The manipulator simply slides off, cannot touch an unresponsive person. Sometimes we even say so: “It passed me by”, “I don’t pay attention to it” or “It does not touch me”. If verbal and non-verbal behavior an unresponsive person allows you to avoid suffering from the onslaught of a manipulator, which means that this technique is effective. We observed it, conducted experiments, reproduced, evaluated and gave a name: counter-manipulation.

The beneficial effect of using counter-manipulation differs depending on whether you are familiar with the manipulator or not. If you begin to exercise from now on, the very first manipulator you meet will immediately feel that the boomerang thrown by him will definitely return to him. He will secretly fear you, respect you (despite the appearance of the opposite) and try to avoid communication with you whenever possible. Be attentive to the negative psychological impact it has on those around you. If you managed to get out of the minefield, do not forget that he checks the rest in the same way as he checked you. It takes him five to fifteen minutes to figure out who is in front of him.

Sometimes it happens almost instantly - just a few seconds.

Manipulators disguised as a seducer often use their discernment and tell you about your personality (at first, only about positive aspects) from the very first minutes of your acquaintance. It overwhelms you, and you fall under the spell of his promising gift! But at the same time, if you live or work with a manipulator or are constantly near him, he becomes able to predict any of your reactions. If it does not match the reaction of the unresponsive person, if it is defensive or focused on your inner experiences, he will be able to notice the slightest change in your behavior. He will not understand why you suddenly began to answer him as if you became confident in yourself. He will not stand it and will make you react the way he needs to. You should be on the lookout for every time the manipulator tries to create discomfort. As long as required.

This process requires concentration, but it also involves personalizing the feelings of guilt that may arise as soon as you take the form unresponsive, which means heartless,inhuman,evil person... All these epithets have nothing to do with the truth, but somewhere deep down you may doubt it. The manipulator will be able to accuse you of this, so that you again take up your defensive positions. Therefore, to any of his reproaches (“You have a stone instead of a heart”, “You are an egoist”, “You never loved me”) you can clearly answer him: “If this is what you want to believe, so much the worse!” Or use another, no less indicative answer. The words you choose to answer are important... They convey your state of mind.

Your emotional condition when you are face to face with a provocation, the strategy of the manipulator, or simply in the presence of him, is not neutral. However, this does not apply to the unresponsive people I mentioned above. You feel internal discomfort or a trap in which another person catches you, and only strive to convey to him in an aggressive form the idea that his behavior and statements are inconsistent, immoral or destructive. Waste of time! The manipulator will answer you in kind, using contradictory, fundamentally false arguments, which nevertheless seem logical! This will hit you for a living, and you will begin to make excuses, trying to return the truth to its rightful place. Anger will take possession of you, it will become stronger, the better the manipulator is able to turn your arguments backwards and convince you. None (or virtually none) positive result it won't work. In the end, you will express your point of view that your tension (it arises because you want to defend yourself at any cost) will be evidence of a lack of self-confidence to him.

Countermanipulation is a technique... Your task is to answer like this as if you were an unresponsive person. Answer in such a way that he perceives your behavior that way. The manipulator plays with words and their nebulous meaning. He believes that he is able to influence those around him. Start using words and you will follow the same road. In the beginning, for the first few months, you will be in constant tension: heartbeat, fever, uneven breathing. But at least your answers will become more confident, appropriate and less emotional. When looking for the best cue for counter-manipulation, pay attention to external criteria and focus on what is best to say in similar case, and not on the emotions that overwhelmed you.

The right words do not come by themselves in the context of such an abstract conversation, first you need to understand what exactly you can use. If you memorize a dozen of these phrases, they will more and more confidently pop up in your memory. It is important not to let the manipulator know that you are offended by his hidden attacks. Also, do not let him realize that you need to think carefully about the answer before speaking it. He is smart enough to also learn to answer accurately, but without anger and aggression (in in this case irony is an acceptable maximum), however, it takes several months. Don't give up, even if your objections aren't perfect. Practice shows that counter-manipulation achieves its goals even when it is far from ideal.

The counting of our counter-manipulation efforts does not happen on a case-by-case basis. It cannot be said that counter-manipulation doesn't work only because the last word remained with the manipulator or he remained unconvinced, despite your logical and aloof answers! The results of your new behavior will only be visible after a few months. Therefore, your primary task is not to give up after two weeks just because the manipulator continues to try to do the same with you that he has always been able to do with you. Only after a certain number of situations does the manipulator realize the presence passive confrontation on your part, which will lead to the fact that he unknowingly moves away from you. He may even suddenly become completely indifferent to you, and you will not be able to take advantage of the benefits that he could provide you in some areas. This must be understood. When in doubt about what you are doing, remember what you can achieve and forget what you will lose.

Dialogues with examples of counter-manipulation

Read the given dialogues with manipulators (each of them has at least fourteen characteristics, some up to twenty-five) and identify common points in behavior different people, who have adopted the counter-manipulation technique. Some situations are not given in full, however, none of them have lost their essence. Each dialogue begins with a comment from the manipulator (marked with the letter M). The dialogues revolve around four areas: social, professional, marital and family.

Social sphere

The manipulator is a friend, acquaintance, colleague, or stranger.

Dialogue No. 1

M: This person does not suit you.

- This is your point of view. The rest of my friends don't think so.

Do your friends know him?

Of course.

Why didn't you introduce me to him?

There was simply no chance.

I still think you deserve the best.

This is also just your opinion!

But it is so! You're so smart girl... and some kind of musician, really!

- He can't be smart because he is a musician?

No. I did not say that. I think you deserve someone of your level.

That's your opinion.

Okay, after all, this is your life.

That's it.

Dialogue No. 2

M: All lawyers are scammers.

What a stereotype!

This is not a stereotype. Look at your friend ...

And what happened to him?

Listening to him, you might think that he is pulling money from his clients.

- But he protects them well.

He protects them! The number of lawyers who defend criminals and ...

- Wait! It's about a friend of mine. And not about other lawyers. My friend does not defend criminals.

Yes, I'm not talking about your friend, I'm talking about lawyers in general.

- Then, it's OK!

Yes ... after all, your friend may be different from them, I don't know anything about him.

- Yes, you don't know anything about him.

In any case, I am convinced that all lawyers are scammers.

“You can believe it.

Dialogue No. 3

M: People who aspire to become government employees are not very hardworking.

That's your opinion.

This is not just an opinion. This is true.

- I have several such acquaintances, on the contrary, they are very conscientious.

I am not claiming that they are unscrupulous: I am saying that they are not industrious.

They are the same in terms of work.

Not at all!

As you say.

Dialogue No. 4

M: Oh! Do you have a new dress?

Did your grandmother give it to you?

- Of course! My grandmother loves Cherutti dresses. This style suits her very much!

And this is sold by "Cherutti"?

Well, yes!

It is unlikely that this fact would make me want to wear such a dress!

- And that's great, otherwise we would always look the same!

Dialogue No. 5

M: Tell me, can you do me a favor?

Which one?

It's just that I'm in a very difficult situation right now.

Which one?

I have ... how to say ... my friend must come to spend the night with me, he will come by train. He has a lot of suitcases, and I don't have a car. I think that it will be rather problematic to travel by metro with such luggage.

Yes, I understand. And when?

- You can just offer him to take a taxi and ...

You see, he is not very much with money.

“But I don’t know him, try to meet him yourself.

It doesn't matter, I'll go with you.

- Meet him, and take a taxi together, that's all.

Yes, but I said that he is not very much with money, so this is quite problematic.

“I understand, but tomorrow I’m busy, and you’ll have to come up with ...

What are you doing tomorrow?

I have a lot of things to do.

Important.

Well thanks, girlfriend! When you get to ... I'll remember that.

- I think you need to take into account all the circumstances.

You take into account the circumstances, and the fact that I am your friend, do not take into account.

I am doing you services.

- But just like you, I do it under the conditions that suit me too.

Until today, you have not done very much for me.

- Come on! Of course, if the services that I provided you are not very important to you, then I ...

No, they are insignificant because you did not lend them to me, that's the point!

- And now you, then, expect that I will return the debt to you and ...

I'm not waiting. I'm just asking you ... if, of course, you want to fulfill it. After all, I know you are an altruist. And you say that you love helping people ... And so, I have problems with money, and he also has problems. He took a lot of suitcases with him, and he won't be able to take the metro and ...

- Wait…

It will take you only five to ten minutes ...

- Wait: I have to tell you something. From today on, my altruism has boundaries ... Here.

Okay, now I'm in the know.

- It's simple. In other circumstances, I might have agreed to do you a favor, but tomorrow I cannot. I hope you respect my deeds.

Dialogue 6

The manipulator friend is constantly depressed. She often calls late at night, without thinking that others may be uncomfortable. She is trying to detain me, although I already have to leave (I am going to the theater).

M: You don't care about my problems. You calmly go to the theater.

- I think some things should not be confused. On the one hand, if you keep calling me every two days and talking about your misfortunes, then I am very attentive listener... On the other hand, it won't be very good if I don't do what I want to do.

Yes, I understand: you don't care about other people's lives.

- I care. But if you are so convinced of this, you can understand it all this way.

Yes, I am convinced of that.

Well, so much the worse for you.

But Blandin, I'm telling you, I was just dumped, and you are calmly going to the theater!

Yea Yea.

I would have answered differently if I were you!

You just say that.

I don’t leave my friends in trouble.

- If you consider the fact that I go to the theater just when you call me to talk it out, a mistake to such an extent that it makes me feel guilty, you are right: we react differently to what is happening around. But I really have to go because I'm running late. Forgive me. I can't listen to you now. Try to do something good for yourself.

Professional sphere

The manipulator is the owner of the firm, manager, colleague or client.

Dialogue No. 7

Two participants in the dialogue have just completed difficult negotiations to sign a contract.

M: What are you writing?

This is for me. So I won't forget anything.

You do not trust me?

It's more reliable on paper.

But it seems to me that you are recording only because you do not trust me.

I'm sorry you think so.

After all, my word is my word. This is my honor.

I hope for this reason it will not be difficult for you to put your signature here.

Dialogue number 8

Director and his secretary.

M: How did it happen that you did not come to this meeting, although I asked you to?

- You know me, I write down everything they tell me. You must have forgotten to warn me.

You are not infallible and perfect!

- I have flaws, but I do not allow them to show up at work. And the fact that we have been working together for three years is possible only due to the fact that I am sufficiently worthy of your trust. You know that I write everything down so that you don’t forget anything. But don't be angry. We need to verify information about important meetings if you need my presence so that this does not happen again.

Dialogue No. 9

The secretary asks the manager to approve the work schedule.

M: I have no time. I have important meeting, I have to go.

- Yes, I know that you are in a hurry. The thing is, I have a question about the Wednesday meeting, which ...

Yes Yes Yes.

You yourself asked me ...

Convene.

So what?

If I disagree with you on the start time ...

Can't you talk about it tomorrow? Because now I am very late ...

“Please, I know that you are trying to improve the efficiency of our work, so if you want everyone to come to the meeting on Wednesday, please tell me what time is right for you.

Can I schedule it for three in the afternoon?

Look, I don’t know, I don’t have my diary with me ...

- Three PM. I looked at your diary. You will have time at three o'clock in the afternoon ...

Good good…

Three hours?

Yes, schedule it for three hours.

- Good. Thanks a lot. Will you write this down in your diary?

Yes, I will remember that.

I will write it down myself and remind you of this.

Dialogue No. 10

The manipulator regularly calls meetings with colleagues, but their opinions constantly differ. This time he acts as a demagogue.

M: Madame Darmon, you seem to disagree.

I have a different opinion. Well, give it to us.

- Usually I like to express my opinion when it is appreciated.

But that's what we're here for.

- I am very glad that you reminded of this.

Sphere of matrimonial relations

Spouses living together or apart.

Dialogue No. 11

M: You only think of yourself.

- You might think before speaking.

What's your new fad to go out on Saturdays when I'm not working?

“If you feel abandoned because I started going to the pool on Saturday mornings, it’s a red flag.

You've never done this to me before!

- Don't feel left out because I started doing what I like.

Do you not like being with me and with the children?

It is not the same.

What does it mean - it's not the same?

“I have devoted a lot of time to you all. Now the children are thirteen and sixteen years old, and I can devote some time to myself.

What are we to do?

“But each of you has your own business, regardless of my presence. Now I do the same as you do: I do my own. From this I will extract only the good for myself.

Who turned you against me?

“I’m upset that you don’t think I’m capable of making decisions on my own.” I didn’t say anything before, not because I didn’t think. On the contrary, I had time to think it over thoroughly. I don't want to be alone. You yourself will be more interested if your wife develops, won't it?

Oh sure.

Dialogue 12

M: All women are liars.

- Isn't there a man? (Without showing that it hurt her.)

Men have other disadvantages. But women are special precisely because they are deceivers.

- Indeed, when a woman communicates with several men at the same time, it is better that she does not talk about everything.

They are cowardly.

Perhaps.

Dialogue No. 13

M: You are like your mother.

Thanks a lot.

But this is not a compliment!

And I think it's a compliment.

As you say. You will see that I am right.

Wait and see.

Dialogue No. 14

M: You are always right.

Yes, sometimes.

You always want to be right.

- It often happens that I am right. You don't have to want it badly for this to happen.

Countermanipulation principles

The principles that can be used for counter-manipulation are very precise. The result depends on this accuracy.

Use short phrases.
Be vague.
Try to use ready-made phrases, sayings and proverbs.
Give preference to impersonal sentences.
Use humor if context allows.
Smile, especially at the end of a phrase, if the context allows it.
Express yourself self-ironically (talk about yourself with humor).
Stay polite.
Do not enter into a discussion if it does not lead to anything or leads to humiliation.
Avoid aggression.
Only use irony if you are responding to the comment and are completely confident in yourself.
Don't try to justify yourself. In short, act as if you were immune to manipulation human. In addition to the rules that provide guidelines for releasing all negative emotions, self-control is also necessary.

A few phrases in the counter-manipulation technique

This is just (your) opinion.
You can continue to think so.
You can continue to believe it.
This is just (your) interpretation.
You can see it (it can be seen) from that angle.
You can take it however you like.
You have the right to think so.
I can tell you yes if that's exactly what you want to hear.
If you say so!
If you really think so!
It's just a point of view.
Ouch! People often talk about things they know nothing about.
You only see part of the picture, that's okay.
If you don't know, you can always think of it.
You can think of it.
I have a different opinion.
It is possible.
It's possible ... from your point of view!
This is true.
This is true.
Is not it?!
It happens to me.
It happens.
I have no exact information.
Sometimes you need to be able to do this.
And yet, you are not omniscient!
I had to target someone as an example ...
It just amuses me to do the same as everyone else.
Everyone knows this.
Depends on the circumstances.
Obviously, this is not my claim.
It's too easy!
Are you telling me this?
It doesn't happen every time!
Every man to his own taste. Everyone has their own tastes.
Everyone needs it, regardless of tastes.
Personally, I love, but does it matter?
Appearances are deceptive.
And I don't feel any discomfort.
It all depends on who you are talking about.
It doesn't really annoy you.
I love to be original.
Oh yes! I don’t do anything like everyone else!
This is my charm.
My friends (my husband) love me the same way.
Nobody's perfect, right?
Everyone has their own style.
O! This is a very interesting idea!
Don't worry about me.
Tips will always come in handy.
The future will judge.
Wait and see.
Sometimes it gives something.
Everyone has their own experience.
He who strives for nothing gets nothing.
Yes, I didn't think about it!
In this I would not be mistaken.
I am calm.
Thanks!
Thanks for reading.
Thank you for leaving me a choice.
Do I really have a choice?
Normally.
It's very nice that you are taking care of me.
It's nice that you give me permission.
Apparently.
It does not matter.
There is nothing really serious. But there are many important things.
I use a different ethics.
It's a moral issue!
I have no doubt about that.
Of course.
I see.
OK then!
Uh-huh.
Definitely.
Really often.
Undoubtedly.
I really hope.
We understood each other well.
You know that very well.
It is sad.
So much the worse!
I'm sorry for you.
This time, yes.
You can't be wrong all the time.
I didn't think you noticed this.
Glad to hear that from you.
Naturally, there are reasons.
Are you talking about yourself?
We are talking about different things.
You think so?
I do not understand who you are talking about.
I have the impression that you are adding fuel to the fire.
We're not here to add fuel to the fire.
Why are you saying these things?
Everyone develops in their own way.
Yes, but there is some development within the profession.
You cannot decide everything with the help of reason.
What do you do with love (friendship)?
When they love, they don't count.
Is this your problem? (Instead of: "This does not concern you.")
Are you so bored of it?
Why?
Why not?
And you?
And you, what do you think about it?
Why are you asking me this question?
You know, I know what I'm doing.
It gives me pleasure.
Who said that?
Where did you find out about this?
Are you gossiping now?
How do you think?
What do you mean by that?
What else should I have done?
Why are you saying this?
Can you be more precise?

Now close your eyes and try to recall ten of the above expressions from memory. Then emphasize in the list of expressions that you can remember.

Now I suggest you highlight the most commonly used counter-manipulation responses.

This is your opinion.
You can believe it.
You have the right to think so.
It is possible.
This happens to me.
Everyone has their own tastes.
Don't worry about me.
I am calm.
I have no doubt about that.
What are you trying to say?

Memorize these ten expressions.

The one hundred and eighteen expressions above are responses to defend against situations in which the manipulator is present, or the manipulator's remarks. There are others, they need to be formulated depending on each specific case.

Making sure that he will not fit, Klava herself goes to him and puts the bowl under his nose; then Flint condescends to her and slowly begins to eat.

Flint, like any self-respecting mongrel, is a great connoisseur of human psychology, otherwise he will not survive. Once he vytseganil smoked sausage from me - I was exhausted from laughter, so funny he "died" after sniffing my bag. But he has nothing to stand on ceremony with Klava - he knows perfectly well that she will not leave him without dinner. Thus, Flint is simply manipulating Klava. However, this is not difficult. Anyone can manipulate her - starting, of course, with her mother. As a matter of fact, because of her mother, she is an engineer by training, and now she works as a cleaner - in order to be closer to home all the time. But first things first.

Klavina's mother, Elizaveta Alekseevna, a sophisticated lady of about sixty-five, is very ill - or would like to be considered so. Therefore, compliments to yourself "How good you look today!" - she perceives with displeasure. Now, if only she had been told. "How pale you are today" "- then she would spread into a smile, complain about her health ... She does not like me: I always say hello to her. blooming view- and run past. I see right through her, and she doesn't like it. However, for some reason others do not notice what, in my opinion, lies on the surface - her fake game, with the help of which she deprived her daughter of her personal life.

Elizaveta Alekseevna did not work for a minute in her life, relying on her husband in everything and believing that he was eternal; when, to her deep amazement, he died several years ago, she placed the honorable burden of caring for herself, her beloved, on the shoulders of her only daughter.

During a memorial service for her husband, Elizaveta Alekseevna became ill with her heart. I went up to her - a medic after all - and felt her pulse; he was absolutely level. Klava thrust a nitroglycerin tablet into her mother's mouth with a trembling hand; without opening her eyes, she spat it out. When the second pill followed the first, Klava could not resist:

Mom, why are you doing this? she said in a trembling tone.

You know that with my eyesight I shouldn't take these pills, - answered Elizaveta Alekseevna in the voice of a dying swan.

Klava ran after validol, and I thought - what will her life be like now? Very soon we found out about this: Klava quit a prestigious and profitable job in the company, finally filed a divorce from her husband and moved with the child to her mother.

Elizaveta Alekseevna raised her daughter in such a way that anyone could manipulate her. Since Klava got married while her father was still alive, her mother let her go without objection - then she did not need her too much. Obviously, life next to such an actress as Elizaveta Alekseevna completely deprives a person of the ability to distinguish essence from appearance, and Klava, having met her betrothed for the first time, fell in love with him unconditionally and head over heels.

When he appeared at the doorstep of our office, I opened my mouth and could not close it for a long time, she told me. - Tall blond with blue eyes- he is very similar to Ivan Demidov, only without black glasses.

How do you know what color Demidov's eyes are? - I ask out of place, but, catching her reproachful glance, I shut up. it typical mistake of our women: choosing a lover for themselves, outwardly similar to their idol, they attribute everything to him best qualities who would like to see in their man.

So, the blond, in whom she saw her fairy prince, very quickly succumbed to her charms - in other words, he saw through her. There was no more comfortable wife in the world than Klava! I have no doubt that she brought breakfast to her husband in bed, just as she brings a bowl to Flint. But it was much more important that she removed all worries about the earthly and material from the shoulders of her beloved - in other words, she became the breadwinner of the family. Vlad was engaged in some kind of business, and Klava helped him - that is, she constantly paid off his debts, hiring the most difficult and ungrateful additional work- even at the time when she was expecting a child.

What Klava earned was enough for a decent outfit for Vlad, and for his "business" visits to restaurants and nightclubs. At the time when they parted, Vlad had eight expensive suits, and she did not have a single decent dress. I don’t know how much she would have had the patience if Vlad had not finally sat on her neck - with her money he openly began to support his mistress, and his relationship with his wife, apart from swearing and even beatings, was limited to one word “Give”. And then Klava was indignant and broke up with him. True, he still sometimes comes to her for money - and she gives. (Of course, we are talking about alimony for little son does not even come in).

Klava is a great hard worker, just a workaholic. Now, having moved to parental home, she cleans three entrances, is decorated as a janitor on a nearby site and also works part-time in the evenings in one sociological service. In general, her earnings are enough for a decent life for all three. True, there is one snag - what to do with your little son while Klava is busy?

And here I am ready to applaud Elizaveta Alekseevna's flexibility. Often women like her, having buried their husbands, choose for themselves bed rest- so that one of the adult children care for the lying mother, cared for and cherished her. But in this case it was impossible: if Klava was chained to her mother's bedroom, what would they live on? And she chose a different tactic: she took care of her grandson - and with this she completely enslaved her daughter.

To provide for the family, Klava works many hours every day, and Elizaveta Alekseevna sits with little Vanechka. Every evening Klava listens to how heroically, despite all her illnesses, the grandmother endures the tomboy's whims, although, of course, he will soon bring her to the last line. Klava is obliged to report to her mother for every minute spent outside the house - if, God forbid, she is delayed and does not come on time, mom immediately becomes ill. If Klava stutters that she needs to leave somewhere in the evening on business, Elizaveta Alekseevna either makes a scandal or clutches at her heart. It is therefore understandable that Klava does not even have to think about any fans or any personal life - her mother will never let her go on a date. And the years go by, and Klava is already over thirty.

Occasionally, when Klava feels that she is already unbearable, she drops by to see me for advice. So yesterday she came, pale as chalk: what to do, money is sorely lacking, and she physically cannot work even more, she just falls off her feet from fatigue ... Well, financial problems are now facing many, but let's better listen to Klava:

You see, last week I gave her three thousand rubles, this week - five ... Two days have passed, and she says to me: the money has run out, I have nothing to feed your son! No matter how much money I bring to the house, she will immediately spend everything.

Five thousand in two days ... well, not weak. I simply cannot afford such expenses. Recently I read something about this ... Well, of course, similar situation I met in a novel by Georgette Heyer; Here is what she writes about one such mother, who forgot about her sores only when she was having fun: “Unfortunately, her condition was not enough to live the life to which she was accustomed, not worrying about saving; and since she was too weak in health to master the art of property management, then lived beyond her means. "

Klava, why are you giving her everything that you earn? After all, at one time the three of you lived fine and on ten thousand a month - well, maybe not great, but you did not starve! Of course, she is sitting with Vanechka, but after all, he is not a stranger to her, this is her own grandson, and Kindergarten coupled with a baby sitter, that is, a nanny, in the evenings, would have cost you less - and in any case, it would have done without scandals.

Klava is stunned. It did not even occur to her that she was not a machine for making money, but living woman, and with her own needs, that at the time she had to wear her mother's skirts that were not altered, and albeit inexpensive, but new and fashionable things, that she needed something for herself while she was young ... My words sounded to her like a discovery ...

You're right, ”she replies uncertainly. - I somehow never thought about the fact that she was using me ...

That's right, it uses! Like all women of this type, who have achieved the highest skill in the art of manipulating their loved ones. Moreover, Elizaveta Alekseevna does not miss a single means that can help her achieve her goal: to live for her own pleasure. Everything is used: poor health, and caring for a grandson, and endless reproaches, and tears.

However, usually one is enough poor health... Such manipulators especially like to complain about the heart - this is probably the noblest disease, and not all of them are such mediocre actresses in this regard, as Elizaveta Alekseevna, who was never able to convincingly simulate a heart attack. Most likely, Elizaveta Alekseevna was simply disqualified: the late husband, without any evidence, believed that his Lizonka had a delicate build, and she should be carried in her arms.

Others are more skilled in this matter. I knew one such mother, who reminded me of Vasisualia Lokhankin, on the contrary: during the day she wandered around the apartment with pleasure, watched TV, ate with appetite, slept enough, and in the evening, when her daughter came home from work, she complained of poor health, lack of appetite, weakness ... At night they called an ambulance, my daughter was running around with compresses and heating pads and in the morning with eyes red from insomnia she went to work. And so it was repeated every time the mother was unhappy with something: for example, if the daughter came home fifteen minutes later.

Such women inspire everyone that they are terminally ill and can die at any moment - but at the same time they often worry everyone. Although it happens in a different way. Somerset Maugham has the wonderful story "Louise"; it is about a woman who, from childhood, was distinguished by poor health, but nevertheless survived two husbands: one of them caught a deadly cold, giving his wife in bad weather outerwear, and the second began to drink too much, but nevertheless managed to die with honor for the fatherland. Louise looked after the aged and lost admirers grown daughter; when she turned up last chance to arrange her personal life, Louise with a scratch gave consent to her marriage, "although it will kill her" - and, indeed, died of a heart attack on her wedding day. The desire to punish the daughter who had gone out of submission turned out to be stronger than the desire to live.

But more often than not, things are not so dramatic, and such great actresses as Louise are rare. Usually women of this type are more afraid of dying than anything else, and they are only enough to raise their pressure at the moment when it is measured. Their game can be quite fake, and you just need to learn to see when you are being manipulated, and not to allow yourself to be controlled. Of course, this is easier to write than to do. But, for example, my conversation with Klava nevertheless yielded results: although she still gives her mother all the money ("How can I lie to my mother!"), She nevertheless made herself a fan and meets him twice a week under the pretext of evening work (as you can see, she still has to deceive her mother). Most importantly, she no longer feels obligated to her and, perhaps, if she remarries, she will be able to build a more equal relationship with her husband. Although personally I doubt that in the near future she will be able to create her own family - Elizaveta Alekseevna will do everything to prevent this.

But such an absolute dependence between mother and daughter is far from always explained only by the nature-selfish nature of the eldest of women. There are often cases when a loving and worthy mother, widowed, relies entirely on one of her adult daughters - the one who, for some reason, was left alone. Sometimes the son turns out to be such a support, but this happens much less often. In any case, such a symbiosis of a mother and a grown-up offspring deprives her or his last hope of creating their own family.

In old age, we already really have serious illness, often chronic, and their exacerbations, as luck would have it, coincide with periods when the daughter is not at home. Here is one such example: twenty years ago we graduated from the university, almost our entire course was gathered on this joyful occasion - except for everyone's favorite Tanechka. Tanya's mother has a fever - she has thirty-seven and seven; Tanya rushed home as fast as she could - how can she leave her mother, because she is so sick and unable to serve herself!

These mothers really feel disgusting in the absence of their daughter. They try to get her home early under any pretext - and, at first glance, reasonable, he actually does not stand up to any criticism. Here is Tanya at a party; she calls mom - she calls mom from everywhere several times a day - and mom tells her to come back: it's too late, she will be near the house only at ten o'clock, and she is worried - their area is not the most prosperous. One of the guests offers:

Tanya, stay another hour, my wife and I will walk you home.

No, Tanya cannot make her mother worry - and runs alone into the darkness. The same happens if one of her friends offers Tanya to spend the night with her, so as not to risk it. Although at a reasonable level the mother should understand that it is safer for her daughter this way, nevertheless, anxiety does not give her rest, and forty-year-old Tanya, at her first call, travels across the whole city - so that her mother would feel better. God forbid her heart becomes bad!

Thus, grown-up daughters find themselves tied to their mothers' skirts, as in childhood. Moreover, the mother herself does not understand that there is a lot of selfishness in her desire to have her beloved daughter always by her side - no, she only wants the best! In fact, she is already so psychologically dependent on her daughter that in her absence she has real heart attacks and other troubles - they are caused by an acute attack of anxiety. However, the daughter also becomes infected with maternal fears - she always has bad feelings when she is out of the house. Mother and daughter in such cases feel each other very subtly, they develop mutual understanding on an unconscious, instinctive level. Unfortunately, in nature it is so customary that parents leave naturally before their children - and when an aged daughter is left alone, a real tragedy develops here. After all, she does not have a single one in this world soulmate! The death of the mother in such cases is extremely difficult - with her loss, the meaning of life is also lost.

Who am I writing all this for? Probably for both mothers and daughters. I want both of them to think. Life is given to us in order to live it, and not in order to sacrifice it even to ourselves to a loved one... Dear mothers, think about it: isn't your love demanding too much from your own daughter? And daughters, if they do not want to stay in the end with a broken trough, must decide for themselves how to combine daughter love and duty with normal personal life- it is difficult, but possible if desired. In fact, everything is possible if desired - or almost everything.