Healthy family relationships - what are they? Psychological well-being in the family. Family relationships and illness

Buddhism says that all people in samsara are not right in the head: a lot negative thoughts. Samsaric beings are jealous even of their brothers and sisters. Sometimes they rejoice when others are in trouble. These are signs of abnormal thinking. When a person is angry, it is even more abnormal: the eyes become red, smoke comes out of the ears! According to Buddhism, samsaric beings lack wisdom, and because we don't train, we are all somewhat crazy.

Quarrels and scandals happen every day in the family if the husband and wife's head is not in perfect order. If they gradually heal their minds, in time all disputes will cease. IN normal family husband and wife joke, laugh, their relationship is harmonious.

IN healthy family only one dispute can be heard. The husband says: “You always cook food, you are tired, now rest, today I will cook.” And his wife answers him: "No, you worked hard, take a break, I'll cook it myself." This is a healthy debate. Then their son will say: “Mom, you cooked the food, and I will wash the dishes.” And the daughter will argue: “No, today it’s my turn to wash the dishes!” If there are such disputes in Tuvan families, this is a sign that Dharma is developing here. This high level spiritual progress. If there are no quarrels in your family for a month, or if there are no problems for two months, everyone will laugh, and in difficult situation they will say: "Well, it's okay," - this is also a sign of progress. Any progress in spiritual practice should have a positive impact on relationships in your family. Real culture Tuvas are not the clothes you wear, but the way of thinking and behavior in the family, when the younger ones respect the elders, and the older ones take care of the young. There must be rules in the family. Harmony is possible only where there are rules.

There is such a story. In one American family there were two children, hooligan and restless. Parents could not control them and turned to a psychologist with a request to help cope with them. The psychologist decided to investigate why children have such a character, why they grew up to be such egoists. He found that when children ask for something kind, parents do not pay attention to them. But as soon as they start screaming and crying, their demands are immediately met. The children concluded that correct method. There were no rules for them: they did whatever they wanted.

The psychologist began to train the children in the following way: when they screamed and cried, he did not give them anything, but if they asked calmly and peacefully, he immediately fulfilled the request. The psychologist said that for a harmonious life it is necessary for all family members to adhere to certain rules. For example, watch TV only in certain time. Parents began to use similar rules and the kids have changed in better side. This is very similar to Buddhist teaching, although the psychologist selected the methods based on his experience. It is very important to go towards the person who asks peacefully, then he will know that this is the correct method of obtaining what he wants. But if he does not know how to ask, but begins to scream, cry and behave badly, his request should not be fulfilled. Otherwise, you will encourage him to go in the wrong direction. So, for your family, rules are very important.

A vow is also a rule, and this is the kind of vow that Buddhism is talking about. If you take a vow, you will have a clear idea of ​​what you can and cannot do. It will make your life stronger and healthier.

These are precious tips, do not forget them, and then positive changes will begin to occur in your family. Your children will see this and take an example from you. healthy life. My parents lived with in a healthy way thoughts, and for me it was very useful. My dad never said that he was the most important, and his wife was a fool. They always cared about each other, respected each other. When my mother got a little angry, my dad made fun of her, which made her feel ashamed. Seeing the life of their parents, the children learned from their example. So, to help their children, parents should be guided by common sense.

To understand why a child is sick, it is not enough to find trouble in his body, it is necessary to investigate the problems of the family. How family relationships can affect the development of a particular disease of the child, says the director medical center health "Victoria", candidate medical sciences Lyubov Viktorovna Astakhova.

-How psychological climate in the family can affect the physical health of the child?

The health of the child depends on many factors, including psychological climate that develops around him in the family, in children's team. But, unfortunately, both parents and teachers do not always attach importance to this. Although no one doubts the fact that many diseases arise under the influence of adverse psychological factors. Physicians call these diseases psychosomatic. Hypertension, bronchial asthma, gastritis, neurosis, stuttering in children, vegetovascular dystonia. The list can be continued, and it will turn out to be quite impressive.

Psychological well-being in the family

Numerous studies confirm that emotional discomfort, especially daily or frequently repeated, can cause significant harm to health. Therefore, psychological well-being, especially in the family, is so important for our health. Of course, the state of intra-family comfort is not easy to create (it depends on the upbringing, education, cultural level of a person) and even more difficult to maintain, but, undoubtedly, this should be strived for. Family - alive developing organism, in which there are no isolated links. And if the harmony in this organism is broken, the most unprotected link suffers first of all - the health of the child.

- Newborn children are able to respond to family troubles?

Everyone is born with their own mental and physiological characteristics, which, by the way, determine the reactivity to various, including painful, influences. Anything can influence the formation of these features, even the fact whether this pregnancy was desired or, as in most cases, unexpected. It is good if the parents react to the news with joy, and then the pregnancy will proceed in a favorable psychological atmosphere. But after all, there are situations when the birth of a child is not at all included in the plans of the parents, throwing, quarrels, thoughts about abortion begin. And the tiny man, still in the womb, sensitively captures the family atmosphere and feels all these negative emotions. If a woman during pregnancy felt defenseless, abandoned, then the child, as a rule, experiences the same thing after birth. He develops an acute dependence on his mother, he will constantly cry, worry, eat poorly. Even close relatives who are negatively disposed to the appearance of a baby, the same grandparents, can play an unsightly role in the development of a child. For these children, it is essential psychological correction in the first year of life.

Something like the rehabilitation of parents in the eyes of the child for a period prenatal development when did he get stressed?

Quite right. And you need to start with a consultation with a psychologist. It will help determine what problems the mother experienced during pregnancy. special attention require children who were conceived unexpectedly and whom they wanted to get rid of. They need to tirelessly deal with from birth. Talk to the kids, listen to classical music with them, which calms and helps to develop a sense of the world. And do not skimp on bodily contact: often pick up, hug, press to your heart, talk sweet words. You need to invest in a child patience, kindness, affection, give him maximum love. You can’t spoil it, but it’s possible to return a sense of psychological security.

Very often healthy and cheerful child starts to hurt constantly when he is given to kindergarten. Could it have a psychological reason?

Each case requires the identification of specific motives for diseases. But the general trend is this: if a child is very early age(2-3 years old) was sent to a kindergarten, the most favorable option is to hire a nanny, even with proper care, he starts to get sick. Do you know why? The kid is still psychologically not ready to do without a mother for a long time: without her presence, her voice, touches and smiles. And the sickness he tries on subconscious level bring mom back. Therefore, I would advise young parents to seriously think about possible consequences before deciding to arrange small child to a children's institution. According to all the psychological laws of a child's development, he can be sent to kindergarten no earlier than the age of four. Until this moment, the mother herself must take care of him, educate him, invest in him the concepts of morality, goodness and love. This is very important period when personality is being formed.

What health problems can arise in older children if they constantly experience psychological discomfort?

It has already been proven that predisposition to certain diseases may or may not materialize. And psychological trouble in the family is one of the decisive factors here.

Now exists big deficit normal human interaction between parents and their children. Adults are preoccupied with getting wealth, career. They try to educate their children in prestigious schools, provide them with expensive vacations. But at the same time, they do not expend efforts to ensure that the child feels how much he is loved, how much they need him. And the psyche of the child is very vulnerable. In such a situation, he may develop a psychosomatic illness. With this disease, the child unconsciously tries to draw the attention of parents to his own problems. This may be an unmotivated rise in temperature, when the district doctor, coming on a call, says that there is nothing to complain about, except that the throat is a little reddened. At such moments, the mother quits her business, and focuses her attention on the sick child. Small man got his way. Subsequently, having matured and remembering children's experience When the disease came to his rescue, he unconsciously may resort to this "technique" to achieve some of his goals. I think it's unnecessary to say that to the detriment of your health.

There are enough examples when psychological troubles are the basis of ill health. We had a child with bronchial asthma. As treatment, he received everything necessary procedures: reflexology, physiotherapy, massage and medical preparations, but the recurrence of the disease continued. By the way, the exacerbation of the disease with adequate treatment- one of hallmarks psychosomatic pathology. Our psychologist joined the work with the child, and it turned out that there are problems in the family. Mom and dad endlessly sort things out with each other on the subject of who is the boss in the house. Dad found a way to protect himself from a certain tyranny of mom - alcohol, which, of course, did not please mom. And the child unconsciously took on these problems: when he was sick, dad did not drink, mom did not make a fuss, the situation in the house returned to normal. As soon as he recovered, everything returned to normal: showdowns, drunkenness. The psychologist was forced to conduct a serious reasoned conversation with his parents, tried to solve not only psychological, but also social issues in this family, up to the treatment of dad. Little by little we managed to rectify the situation.

I would like to get help in solving problems in family relationships. I do not even know where to start. Tell us about yourself. I am 31 years old, we have been married for 7.5 years, 4 years not officially. We have a daughter, 5.5 years old. I will say what I do not like in our relationship:
1. My husband is rude, loves to humiliate me, especially if he has drunk, is not even shy about my parents. I think it comes from the family. I used to endure or pass by my ears, but now I am becoming the same, I answer the same, further conflict. He can also humiliate a child.
2. I am not satisfied with his attitude to our family, child, family responsibilities. He does not consider it necessary to spend time with us, he rarely walks with us. His weekends are held according to one scenario - on Saturday. he goes with friends to the bathhouse, or to the garage, he does well there, on Sunday he lies down. Or he just sits at home both days. No, he is not an alcoholic, he works, earns well, is not lazy, he gets tired as he says, so he needs to rest in the same way. I want to spend time together, go somewhere, even just walk. I think maybe I'm aggressive to him, because I'm tired of this life. I explode like a match over a trifle. Moreover, he will not let me meet with a friend or even just go to the store, I should always take my daughter with me. In general, as if there is not our family, but there is a husband and I and my daughter.
3. And he is a goon for me. If I buy something for myself, he will definitely say that I am a spender, that I am a shopaholic. We always need to save up for something. I have never rested anywhere, he says that it is a pity to spend such money, let's better save up for a car, he does not want to take a loan, he is sorry to overpay. But after all, life is one, we can save up all our lives for something and not see how it will pass, within four walls in an apartment.
4. He is jealous of my work, and I love work. I work from 9 to 6, in general, like almost everyone else. He sticks me periodically that I am never at home because of this work, my daughter is almost abandoned. When I put on a dress or look good, he won't compliment me. but vice versa.
Sometimes it seems to me that he would like to see me sitting at home in a veil, disheveled, with messy hair. He once confessed to his friends that he was the owner.
In general, this is a small part of the causes of our conflicts. The worst thing is that he does not want to change, to solve our problems, as he says for everyone.
I think that we are both to blame, everyone thinks only of himself.
In general, tell me how to build healthy relationships in the family, how to behave with her husband.

29 Mar 2016

Irina 06101984

Evgenia Sergeeva

Administrator , Moscow

Irina 06101984, good afternoon.
The psychologist will answer you after a while, follow the topic.

29 Mar 2016

Hello, Irina 06101984! I see that a lot of things do not suit you in your relationship with your husband, because of which resentment, anger and irritation with him accumulate. Apparently, you initially had certain expectations from marriage: you saw yourself happy wife and a mother who has the necessary level of care and support for her husband, always spends weekends in a complete family and receives understanding where it is needed. Reality has made its own adjustments, and now you are suffering from unfulfilled expectations, as well as from the fact that you did not immediately begin to express your wishes to your husband, and he is used to doing what is more convenient for him.
child rearing, work and household- This great work and I have a lot of sympathy for you. But let's think about why the husband does not hear you? Perhaps you are approaching with a conversation in wrong moment? Or do you explode because of the little things, not being able to constructively express your thoughts? It is also possible that the role of a martyr somewhere in the depths of your soul gives you a certain pleasure ("Look how I cope with everything alone, and my husband, so-and-so, does not help at all!"). Do you have such feelings?
You say that both are to blame, since each thinks only of himself: tell us how this is realized in your behavior? What do you say/do that characterizes you as an egoist?

29 Mar 2016

Yes, you are right, I did not expect that from marriage at all. I would like warm relations, affectionate, I would like mutual understanding, help in everything to each other. In fact, it turns out quite differently, some kind of eternal reproaches to each other, insults. In the family of my parents, for example, insults, I have never heard the word obscene. His parents, on the contrary, always swear. His mother considers herself a leader in the family, she thinks that her husband is worth nothing without her. Because of this, the father is nervous, shouting at his wife that she always climbs into everything. Sometimes it seems to me that my husband is afraid to bend before me, to give in, because he is a man, a master, he is afraid that I will not respect him if he gives in to me. It's hard for him to say sorry, even if he's wrong.
As for the role of the martyr, you also hit the mark. Sometimes I think that I don't enough - husband, child, your home, favorite work. And so I begin to imagine suffering, that my life is unhappy.
You are right that I cannot express my thoughts constructively, tell a friend what I don’t like in our marriage, decide together what needs to be done.
By saying that both of us are to blame for our scandals, I mean that we seem to want to win over the other, inject more pain, remain right in the end, and not come to some kind of solution. We just scream, we begin to remember old grievances, but we need to behave differently.

30 Mar 2016

Irina 06101984

Irina 06101984, it seems that you and your husband seem to be competing with each other, wanting to hit a vulnerable spot more painfully. Moreover, this behavior model has already become so entrenched in your couple that it will not be easy to change it. Several points are of particular importance here:
- Each of you has luggage parent-child relationship and an example of a parenting pattern that is unconsciously reproduced in your relationship. You need to understand why (despite harmonious relationship your parents) You cannot (or do not want to) make concessions to your husband (strive to remain right). Perhaps the role of the same martyr prevails here, who thus unsuccessfully tries to achieve the attention and support of her husband?
- There is something in your behavior that supports such a scenario. Probably, your solvency both as a wife and mistress, and as a mother, and as a professionally realized person stung her husband, and your reproaches bring him to a "boiling point". He begins to feel unimportant, unfulfilled, and more and more goes into gatherings with friends, into alcohol, into the humiliation of you and the child. You need to learn how to praise and support him, show that you need him, appreciate his (albeit small) contribution to the common family business.
- There are certain rules for a marital quarrel - read the material and write what you think about it - https://psy-practice.com/publications/lichnye-otnosheniya/ssora_instruktsiya_k_primeneniyu/
- Until you and your husband are aware of your own fears and attitudes (which are the causes of conflicts), it is not possible to move further. As a rule, family therapy is recommended in such cases. If you do not have such an opportunity, then it would be nice for you to visit a psychologist in an internal consultation. If you are determined to deal with the current situation only here, then we can continue to explore your internal settings.

30 Mar 2016

Details Category: Video course "Chemical Addiction" Views: 2211

Family functions. family boundaries. Family interaction. family roles. Family emotional atmosphere. Family values. Stages of recovery of an addicted family.

Family- a group of people who live together, are connected by relatives (marriage, blood relations, adoption, custody) or similar ( civil marriage) relations, and distribute among themselves material, household, etc. responsibilities. Family- these are people united among themselves in emotional, material, intimate, spiritual, etc. areas of life on a deeper level than with other people. In families, people can get what they are unable to find alone - emotional and spiritual closeness, support, emotional warmth, financial assistance, assistance in household chores, support in society, etc.

A healthy family is characterized by healthy family functions, boundaries, interactions (transactions), roles, emotional atmosphere.

Family Functions

In a healthy family, all family functions are performed in a healthy way: 1.) emotional and psychological - providing emotional comfort and mental health its members (warm emotional atmosphere, emotional openness, healthy emotional messages, etc.); 2.) household-economic - providing material, household needs, physical health(healthy distribution of responsibilities, sufficient income, performance of all household functions, etc.); 3.) educational - provides birth, normal growth, education, etc. new family members (healthy sexual-erotic atmosphere, healthy models upbringing, healthy role models, etc.); 4.) social function - helps the formation of a person outside the family (open social system, support with socialization, etc.); 5.) spiritual and value - ensuring the rights of family members, the development of family, cultural and universal values ​​(the presence of values ​​in the family, spiritual equality and respect for all members, etc.).

healthy boundaries

Each family member has his own personal territory (personal belongings, personal time, space, rights and obligations), the boundaries of which are respected by other members. However, this territory is not closed, healthy interaction is taking place (agreed agreements on changing borders, violating territories, etc.). All borders are established on the basis of agreements. Man himself is responsible for his territory. Children are taught healthy boundaries. There is a common area.

Healthy interaction

Between family members of the same group (between parents, between children, between the elderly) interaction by horizontal peer-to-peer transactions (proximity, game DD, assistance, community of interests RR, co-creation, cooperation BB). Between family members different groups(parents-children) – horizontal (RD care, VR training, VR protection). In interaction, the principles of respect are respected, unconditional value each member, the right to choose, etc. There is no falseness and closedness. Children are taught the principles of healthy communication and interaction with people in different situations- friendship, intimacy and courtship, recreation, work, competition, conflict, etc.

Healthy Roles

There is no interaction on the roles of the Karpman triangle (Pursuer, Rescuer, Victim). Role interaction adult - Teacher, Helper, Student. No negative psychological games. Children are taught healthy social roles.

Healthy emotional atmosphere

Sincere warm, supportive, cheerful and joyful emotional atmosphere. Unconditionally positive and conditionally positive strokes predominate. The ratio of negative conditional strokes to positive ones is 1:7. There are no strokes in the form of unconditionally negative, ignoring, false. There is respectful, unobtrusive emotional care and support for family members experiencing difficulties. Taking care of healthy psychological state children.

Family values

In the family there are values ​​of three levels - family, cultural, universal. Family values: the family has its own history, traditions, ancestors, etc. (family part of the Genus), not turning into a cult of the family or its members. Cultural values: the culture of the country and ethnic culture, customs, traditions, etc. (family part of the Ethnos), not turning into nationalism. Human values: spiritual and religious (in the spiritual, and not in the cultural and ritual sense), general philosophical and ideological attitudes, the value of the main human qualities, etc. (family part of Humanity), not turning into religious fanaticism. A hierarchy of values ​​is observed: the main universal, then cultural, then family. Children are brought up in a value atmosphere and instilled with values, while respecting the principle of respect and the right to choose.

Stages of recovery of an addicted family:

1. Distancing. Members of seven maximally psychologically distance themselves from each other and limit interaction.

2. Rehabilitation. Family members work through their own addiction and codependency issues.

3. Rapprochement. Family members bond and learn new ways to interact with each other.

4. Restructuring of family experience. Family experience is reviewed, insults are forgiven, liberation from accumulated negativity.

5. Harmonization. Achieving harmonious relationships, working out the relationship of the family with the external social world.

6. Family resocialization. Reconsideration of the place of the family in society, the world. revision family values, direction of movement of the family as a whole, family mission.

Assignments to the topic "Dysfunctional family":

1. Imagine how you would like to see your family in the future. Write a story on the topic "My future family in which he describes his family in the future in different ways(performance of functions, boundaries, interaction, emotional atmosphere, etc.).
2. Which of the healthy family functions will be difficult for you to maintain today. What do you need to learn in recovery to do this?
3. What problems with observance and violation of family boundaries can be at the moment on your part? What do you need to learn in recovery to do this?
4. What are the problems with healthy family interaction may be at the moment on your part? What do you need to learn in recovery to do this?
5. What problems with maintaining a healthy family atmosphere can be on your part today? What do you need to learn in recovery to do this?
6. What problems with the maintenance of values ​​in the family can be on your part today? What do you need to learn in recovery to do this?

Question to the psychologist:

Good day! We are a young family, married for 2 years. Before legalized relationships lived / loved on long distance, almost five years. My husband is my first strong love. After graduating from college, having broken all ties in her environment, she packed her things and left for him. First time living together brought joy! Finally, we are together forever. Both are happy and glowing. But in addition to the anxious expectation of the meeting, for each of us there was a reunion of lonely souls. In general, they agreed on this from the very beginning - a similar, not too sweet childhood (for some reason it seems that this is the main thing here), music, interests, even outwardly, according to the comments of friends, were similar. We all wished for a speedy reunion, such strong love. And we carefully kept our feelings.

The initiative to move out of parental home was in my hands, they left for another city, so to speak, for neutral territory. They began to live only together. This is where the first serious quarrels. Of course, there was fear when they left, it seems like, now without parents, their life will be swallowed up, destroyed. No. No! No material problems, no domestic, something else - never became the cause of quarrels. We began to swear because of nonsense ... I, by nature, am a person - well, if not depressive, then often prone to reflection, "corrals", I like to draw conclusions earlier than I should and always take the blame on myself. For what then - I reproach, I eat my "inside". And also, to some extent, a demonstrative, theatrical person (even a profession). But all this comes out, as they say, after the boiling point. At first I endure, then climbs, accompanied by tantrums, screams, screams. Of course, when he lets me go, I always apologize, it's very embarrassing. But as far as I remember, it has always been like that. As a child, I often had to keep silent, bale from a drunken father ... With my husband, the situation is almost the same. Morally difficult childhood, all the same guilt that does not leave. Anger - to some extent, causticity, sometimes even vindictiveness. And when silence replaces a surge of emotions ... then it started ..., I scream, my husband does not scream - but caustically presses ... It is very difficult psychologically. In front of you is the person you love, but something is choking you inside and you can't stop, it hurts. As soon as they started living together, this happened infrequently, but aptly. And now the third year has gone, and ... we began to swear almost every week. I don't know how to describe this state! It’s like a war is going on between us, a fight, but at the same time, we both understand that there is a place for love, understanding, care, affection, respect ... Even after the most severe fights, we held hands. Tell me please! Please. How to maintain a healthy relationship? All is not lost, we know! But this pain inside, childish resentment, for the world, for others, and suddenly for a soul mate - is simply devastating ...

The psychologist Gapshenko Anna Vladimirovna answers the question.

Hello Ekaterina!

It appears from your letter that this stage You have 4 main difficulties. Next in order.

1. "not too sweet childhood ..." - there is an opinion that all our life's difficulties are precisely due to the fact that in childhood we experienced "bad" events. If you focused on events from childhood, then you need to contact a specialist (psychologist / psychotherapist) to correct the internal experiences associated with this period.

From your letter, I realized that there were resentments against my father, and this can affect relations with my husband. It follows from this that the first step is to work out your relationship with the Father.

2. "I, by nature, a man ...". Another aspect is self-perception. Each person is special and you need to accept and love yourself as you are.

The accumulation of negativity in oneself or the containment of emotions in oneself for a woman is an unaffordable "luxury" which subsequently ends in either hysteria or psychosomatic illnesses. Learn to say everything at the moment when the conflict occurred, this will eliminate the accumulation of anger and eliminate tantrums. Negative emotions are like a snowball, which, as a result of internal restraint, can turn into an avalanche.

3. "love at a distance ...". Here you have experienced the difference between everyday life and relationships at a distance. It's good that you decided to be together. And it's great that your relationship is full of feelings and intimacy after you began to live together, but it's hard to build a family only on feelings.

The family is a duet, a small team in which both should work equally. If only one is working on relationships, then soon his strength will run out.

For good relations in the family you need to learn to speak and hear. If quarrels occur because of nonsense - this is the first sign that you do not hear each other. We can see emotions, but we cannot see feelings. In order for the partner not to guess and not "invent" your state, you need to talk about your feelings. You can come to the aid of such phrases: "I am happy when you ...", "I am not pleased when you ...", "I am at a loss ...", etc.