Is it possible to raise a child alone? Should I send my child to an Orthodox gymnasium? How does a child learn about life?

03.05.2019

Many researchers argue that the main task of parents in raising a child is to grow a self-confident personality. We will reveal to moms and dads 9 secrets that will help grow a self-confident, successful and happy person.

Of course, young children need plenty of encouragement and praise whether they are learning to crawl, throw a ball, or draw. But children also get used to it very quickly: then praise becomes something ordinary and everyday for them. Another nuance is that kids feel very strongly when parents exaggerate ("This is the tallest tower of cubes that I have ever seen!"). Because of this, the baby may begin to ignore the compliments of the parents.

Do not praise the child when he does what he should do. If a child is brushing their teeth or throwing their shirt into the laundry basket, for example, a simple "thank you" is sufficient. Try to offer your child specific recommendation: Instead of praising your kid's drawing, you can point out how well he used a particular color.

2. Don't feel sorry for your child

When a child is hurt or depressed, it is natural if you support him. But in the case when the child is upset because he was not invited to a birthday party or when the football coach considered it necessary not to let him out on the field, considering him not ready, you should not make any indulgences and show a pity.

Kids need to know it's okay to fail. Feelings of sadness, anxiety or anger are also normal, psychologists say. In this way, kids learn to succeed, to overcome obstacles without being able to avoid them.

This is especially important for young children: they should be able to play and take risks without feeling that their parents will criticize or correct them for doing something wrong. Psychologists also advise parents to make small mistakes in certain actions. Seeing that even adults make mistakes, kids feel much more confident.

3. Let your child make decisions

When a child has the opportunity to make choices from an early age, he will be more confident in his own abilities. Sure, kids love it when they make decisions for them, but having too much control can be overwhelming. Offer your child several options to choose from, for example, do not ask your three-year-old child what he wants for lunch. It is better to offer him a choice of several options for dishes so that he himself can determine what he will eat.

At the same time, you need to try to convey to the child that the main choice is still yours. For example, if a daughter prefers trousers in clothes, and she likes to cut her hair like a boy, then this is her choice. But she has no right to refuse foreign language courses - here the decision is made by the parents.

4. Cultivate Optimism and Purposefulness

If your child is feeling overwhelmed by disappointments, help them become more optimistic. But instead of looking for the bright side in defeat, it's better consider concrete solutions to improve the situation. If your student is lagging behind in reading technique, explain to him that everyone develops at his own pace, and offer to spend some free time to improve their reading skills. If the child is depressed because he didn't get the lead in the play, don't say, "You shouldn't be doing that. I think you're a star!" Instead, say, "I can see how frustrated you are. Let's come up with a plan together on how you can increase your chances of getting the right role next time."

5. Encourage your child's hobbies

Give your child the opportunity to engage in a wide range of activities: this way he will have the opportunity to choose what he likes best. Reward your child when he finds something he really likes. Children who have hobbies - be it dinosaurs or cooking - take great pride in their experiences and are more likely to be successful in other areas of their lives as well.

Unusual hobbies can be especially beneficial for children who have difficulty adjusting. a team. And the task of parents is to take advantage of this and bring their child to bring him closer to his peers. For example, if your son loves to draw, but most of the boys in his class love sports, then he might be advised to draw sports drawings, then make an art book out of them and show them to the class.

6. Assist in solving problems that have arisen

Psychologists say that even small children are able to negotiate if they want to get something. Encourage this quality in your child. There are studies that prove that even four-year-olds can solve their problems on their own.

For example, a child comes to his parents and complains that one of the children took away his toy on the playground. Instead of running and taking the toy away, invite the baby to come up with a way to get it back. If the child offers to take away, then ask him what can happen if he does so. Then ask, "Can you think of a few other ways to get the toy back?" Children in such cases give out a lot of ideas, while some of them are quite mature. The child can even answer: "It's much more boring to play alone than together."

7. Teach your child to help others

Children feel important when they help others., whether it be help in dressing the little ones in elementary school or giving gifts to children from orphanages. Psychologists say that this feeling is very important for children. It is also necessary that the child has his own share of feasible household chores. The child must see for himself that the solution of adult problems requires some effort.

Classics in Child Development

THE CONTINUUM CONCEPT

In Search of Lost Happiness

A Merloyd Lawrence Book

Addison-Wesley Publishing Company

In accordance with Art. 1299 and 1301 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation, when the restrictions established by technical means of copyright protection are eliminated, the right holder has the right to demand damages or compensation from the violator.

(26.11.1926 -15.03.2011)

Jean Ledloff spent two and a half years deep in the jungles of Latin America with the Yekuana Indians. Communication with these people made such a strong impression on her that Jean rejected Western ideas about how a person should live and raise children, and wrote this sensational book, which became a bestseller in many countries of the world. Jean brings us to the understanding that happiness is the natural state of every person; we lose well-being only from - for misunderstanding our true needs and and h- for the wrong upbringing of children. Jean passionately encourages us to listen to our intuition, to understand ourselves, and to provide our children with a solid emotional foundation from which to live a happy and joyful life.

John Hodt

A revolution in parenting.

Magazine "New Age"

This book explains the essence of things, and therefore deserves everyone's attention.

Conservation News magazine, London

I never thought that a European could be so insightful.

I have not seen a wiser book written by our contemporary.

Zen Preacher and h Great Britain

Humanity is indebted to Jean Ledloff... She makes clear the neurotic nature of our civilization and shows what healthy people can be like, healthy families and a healthy society. The principle of succession is great value for our future.

Center for Community Development Research, London

If there is a book that could save the world, then this book is in front of you.

John Holt

Foreword

How to raise a happy child? Every loving parent asks this question. We have to look for the answer ourselves, because neither in the family, nor at school, nor at the institute do they teach us how to do this. However, oddly enough, books on how to raise a child happy- a huge rarity. Most authors of books on child care not only do not know the answer to this question, but do not even understand its essence. They believe (and make parents believe so) that a child's happiness is entirely made up of dry diapers, baby food, and stuffed animals.

In our striving to give the child “everything he needs”, we often miss the most important thing - what he needs not just to survive, but in order to grow up happy. It is common to believe that a child is a big test for a young family: he cries, wakes up his parents at night, and when he starts to crawl and walk, he strives to break and overturn everything. We chalk it up to “all babies are like that” and we don’t even notice that a cat that has never read smart books on caring for kittens has much less kittens to cry than our human babies.

Not only do we not know and do not understand the true needs of our children, but we are also accustomed to shifting the responsibility for their health, upbringing and safety to someone else: we give birth to children in maternity hospitals, if they get sick, we take them to a doctor, give them to be raised in kindergarten, and then to school. But those to whom we trust our children also do not always know what a child needs to be happy; they also learned about it from books, the authors of which have no idea what happiness is about.

It turns out vicious circle: Everyone thinks they know how to raise happy children. Some even write books about it. But actually few people know about it, partly because there are few people who know how - without any books, just following their inner instinct - to be happy and raise their children happy.

Jean Ledloff, the author of the book you are holding in your hands, met just such people. Moreover, having lived with them for two and a half years, she Understood how their parenting differs from ours, Understood, why their children grow up happy, and ours remain “difficult teenagers” for life. Realizing this, she wrote a book about it - a book about how to raise happy children. The famous psychologist John Holt said about her: "If there is a book that could save the world, then this book is in front of you." These words are not an exaggeration, because all the variety of the most terrible problems humanity - wars, crime, suicide; poverty, hunger, disease; depression, drug addiction and alcoholism; pollution and destruction of nature is only a manifestation of internal trouble modern man. And since happiness or misfortune begins in the same place where a new life begins - with the birth and upbringing of a child, then, Right treating children, we not only provide them with mental well-being for life, but also make the first and most important step to a happier and humane order of society, to a world without violence and suffering.

Today we have almost forgotten that the ability Right Raising children is inherent in each of us by nature. Jean Ledloff reminds us of this. We can listen to our own maternal and paternal instincts, hear them and follow them. Only in this way can we understand what our children expect from us, only in this way can we raise them happy.

Leonid Sharashkin

Chapter first

About how my outlook on life has changed dramatically

Although this book is not an entertaining story, but an invitation to reflection, I would like to tell a little about my life and give the reader an idea of \u200b\u200bhow I came to understand the principle of continuity or continuity. Perhaps this story will help explain why my worldview has become so different from the Americans I grew up with.

Going to the jungle South America, I had no idea about the principle of succession; the Indians interested me in so many ways, and in my soul there was only a vague feeling that, perhaps, an important discovery awaited me there. During my first trip to Europe, in Florence, two Italians invited me on an expedition for diamonds to Venezuela, to the region of one of the tributaries of the Orinoco, the Caroni River. The invitation was so unexpected that I had only twenty minutes to think, prepare and pack. I rushed to the hotel, then to the station and jumped into the already departing train.

When the bustle in the carriage subsided, I looked around our compartment, littered with suitcases; the dusty windows dully reflected our many belongings, and here I realized with horror that I really was going to the jungle.

I could not give myself an account of the reasons for such a hasty decision, but it seemed to me absolutely correct. It was perhaps not even diamonds that fascinated me with their brilliance, although the opportunity to make a fortune digging in the mud of tropical rivers attracted me much more than any other job. The word "jungle" - that's what turned my head. Perhaps this can be explained by one incident that happened to me in childhood.

Can I handle it alone? Can I replace the missing parent? What do my children expect from me? The single parent asks himself twice as many of these questions, has twice as many doubts, and twice stronger feeling guilt. “You can raise children alone, but you cannot raise a child alone,” says psychoanalyst Silviane Giampino. What should a single parent answer to a child's questions? How can he instill in him peace and confidence if his own marriage did not work out? Five examples from life with comments by a psychoanalyst.

Overcome guilt

Christina, 35 years old: “A year ago, my husband left us and went to live with his mistress. For half a year I have been working with a psychotherapist, but the severity of the experience does not weaken. I try not to let the kids - they are 4 and 7 - notice it, but they are also unsettled, and I feel endless feeling guilt before them.

The pain of parting, like mourning, must be endured. The suffering has not gone away, it is there, and it is useless to pretend that it is not there. You can't fool the kids. Tell them that you are unhappy and that it takes time for the sadness to pass, but that it will eventually go away. It is important to get around some pitfalls: a parent should not turn their children into either confidants or an "antidepressant". His suffering is also no reason to encourage children to criticize the other parent. Finally, we must not obscure the horizons for children. The future of the family should be outlined in a positive way: “When I feel better, we will go traveling ...” Let the periods “before” and “after” remain in the life of children. Then they will understand that it is possible to go through the test and come out of it stronger or, in any case, completely alive.

Create the effect of the presence of another

Maria, 38 years old: “On a verbal level, I include the father in the lives of the children. I tell them: "Dad doesn't agree with this, he would like to..." We regularly discuss issues related to children by phone with him. But wouldn’t it be better for them to have a real man in the house?”

One person cannot convey to a child the guidelines that he needs to build his personality, not to mention the fact that it is difficult to ensure the implementation of the life plans of children alone. When you talk about an absent parent, you are including the children in family ties and step out of being the sole and therefore omnipotent parent. It is very important to remain truthful at the same time: one should neither idealize the second parent, nor use his name in order to increase his influence on children. If it is not possible to rely on his authority, enlist the help of another family member, your friend or godparents... He benefits not so much from appealing to a man as to authority in education. As for the need for male presence, it happens that a mother wants this for herself, and not for her children. It is important that the mother is not the only one who brings up. She must be able to resort to a third person - who is really present or at least in words. This "adds air" in the family and supports the parent.

Come up with a symbolic image of the father

Sofia, 42 years old: “I gave birth to a son, as they say, for myself. I have no connection with his father, and that suits me perfectly. One thing is confusing: they say that if there is no father next to the child, he will not have the image of a man.

In order to grow up, children need to identify with a man or woman, not with mom or dad. It is time to abandon the myth that only the father is able to symbolize authority. If he is not around, children find samples wherever they can: they become an uncle, grandfather, coach, teacher, even a movie character. In order for the child's personality to form correctly, he needs a symbolic image of the father, whose role is to help the child separate from the mother. It is enough for a mother to refer to him: “If your father were here now ...” Her words are able to partly draw in the child’s imagination the image of an absent parent.

Realize your life choices

Mark, 40 years old: “Three years ago my wife died, I am raising my son alone (he is eight). We are fine. But I realized that I did not want to get married again, start a family. I'm afraid that this is not the best "role model" for my son.

Some of us suddenly find that we prefer to live on our own rather than as a couple. Such a conscious choice can lead to the flowering of personality, which is favorable for the child. However, provided that the parent does not seek to create a symbolic couple with a son or daughter. The model of a family consisting of two can be fraught with a threat to the child, because it is associated with isolation, regression, and primary merging. A family always wins if it has three members or more... It is very important that the gain in autonomy that you receive leads to freedom in development, and not to regression. If an adult behaves like a teenager, treats marriage as a space of conflict and personal infringement, and perceives single life as a way of self-realization, it will be difficult for his child to find guidance and find balance.

Act Consistently

Anna, 42 years old: “I live in Moscow with my children aged 14 and 16. Their father with new family- In Petersburg. It is very difficult for me to get something from children, sometimes I feel that I no longer have influence on them. I showed weakness and abolished punishment, although I understand that teenagers need limits.

Raising children alone is difficult. But you should not think that those moments when you showed weakness or faltered will be perceived by the child necessarily negatively. Parental authority, the source of all the positive results of education from the point of view of society, is something that used to serve as a synonym for order and security and related more to social “clamps” than to family relationships. What the child really relies on, what forms him, is the inner peace of the parent, his ability to be consistent in upbringing. By making sure that his mother (or father) can handle the difficulties and say “no” to him, the child will no longer be able to indulge himself in fantasies of his omnipotence.

An emotional, tired parent may have strong influence on children in the sense that he abandons the fantasy of having power over children in the spirit of the old-fashioned headmaster and is ready to accept that a child cannot be raised alone. As for punishments, the question is not “how to be firm”. It is important to feel the difference between those punishments that make sense to you, and those that are dictated by your confusion or desire to "fit" educational stereotypes. From time to time you can choose not to punish the child if, for example, you are tired or you do not feel like it. “Continuously sticking to your line” is still from the realm of illusions.

5 tasks for Sunday dad

1. Overcome conflicts with your ex-wife

“In a divorce, a couple breaks up, not parents with children. The family is preserved, although in a different capacity,” notes family psychotherapist Grazyna Budinaite. If you keep this in mind, it will be easier for the father to maintain contact with the mother of the child. How is the son behaving? Is your daughter healthy? How are things at school? This attitude allows you to minimize conflicts with your ex-wife.

2. Make up for the lack of communication

Large pauses in communication, the pain of separation, the negative mood of the child often lead to the fact that fathers capitulate and look for meetings less and less. “But in order to compensate for the resulting distance, you should do exactly the opposite! says child psychotherapist Daniel Marcelli. “Birthdays, exams, school concerts – you should try not to miss anything important in your child’s life.”

3. Be predictable and reliable

“As a rule, fathers are less able to organize time than mothers,” says Grazhyna Budinaite. – But the more tense the atmosphere, the more important it is to act clearly, to be someone you can rely on. Keep promises, warn if you are late, clearly explain your actions to the child. This will help the father to remain a support for the son or daughter and avoid friction in the relationship with their mother.”

4. Set your own rules

How to find your place next to the child, if the wife was more involved with him before the divorce? Blindly following her instructions is just as unproductive as defiantly violating them. “We need to establish or invent our own rules,” says Daniel Marcelli. - To do this, you need to understand what your values are, remember your family history. This position enriches the child. He learns to understand that mother and father - different people, while before they were a single whole for him.

5. Respect everyone's place

It is not easy for many fathers to realize that another man sees his child much more often, influences him, enjoys authority over him. “An important rule helps to avoid tensions,” says Grazyna Budinaite, “all major decisions are about health, school, emotional experiences- Accepted by mother and father.

Self-doubt, stiffness and closeness often come from childhood. These anxious feelings are powerful enough to harm mental health person, make him constantly doubt, deciding vitally important questions. It is difficult to live fully, to reveal your abilities and to be realized, if you are constantly trying to find approval from the outside, endlessly criticizing yourself and fighting with yourself.

And then, as a result, an unsuccessful choice of a partner, work, disappointment in oneself and in life, mental illness. If each of us was born and raised somewhere on desert island, where there is no one to compare yourself with, no one to rely on, no need to try to be better, then the concept of uncertainty did not exist for us. But this is impossible, a person is not an isolated being, we all live in society, accept its rules and strive for the best.

Self-doubt is an underestimation of a person's capabilities and abilities. Parents do not always notice manifestations of insecurity in the baby. This is due to the fact that it can hide behind other features: aggression, irritability, isolation, anxiety. Often insecure shy children are able to show irritation towards pets and loved ones. Having matured, such children understand that they have not achieved anything in life, they demonstrate evil towards others, blaming them for all the troubles.

If you still decide that a feeling of insecurity will not be superfluous in your child, follow the most harmful advice.

Criticize the child

Criticize the baby constantly, point out to him what he did wrong, and be sure to sharpen your attention to every mistake. If he has not yet learned to do something, then regularly poke him with his nose, shame him. He doesn’t know how to use the potty, it’s terrible, scold him and say that all normal children already know how to do this and only people like him still piss in their pants. In general, compare your child more with other children, let him know that in which case you will take a new one.

Even better if your indefatigable criticism will be in public place, in the presence of as many people as possible, and, quite magnificently, if among friends and relatives. Let outsiders scold and criticize your child, no matter what, but a lesson.

Be sure to use such words as “loser”, “stupid”, “mediocrity” and other similar phrases in the direction of the child. Try to drive not only into him, but also into your own head, that nothing good will grow out of a child, he will not learn anything.

Do not give an alternative, why praise the child, let him praise himself, you definitely do not need it.

Do not show delight and do not praise for small achievements. I drew a nice picture, tried, spent a lot of time to give it to you, so what. Here he becomes a famous talented painter, then approve of his kalyaki-malaki.

Who's in charge

Always show the child your place, do not give the right to vote and your own opinion, he is small and cannot decide anything on his own. Choose your own clothes, toys and activities for him, sign him up for a section of your choice. What does he even understand?

Everything he does for you is his duty as a child, so thanks are unnecessary.

Never let us enter into an argument with you, or give you advice.

Do not think that your child can handle something on his own, climb into his affairs and give a lot of advice, no matter how you know better what to do.

Who is guilty

At every opportunity, point out to the child that he is to blame. In speech, use the pronoun "you" instead of "I". Feel the difference: “I don’t really like that you come back from a walk late”, “I was upset when I found out that you got a C” and “You are careless, you walk late all the time”, “You are a vile C student, you cannot study properly ". This great way humiliation hidden behind the best intentions.

If you yourself made a mistake, spilled, smashed, lost, boldly in the eyes of other household members blame the child who believes him.

Appearance

Do not hide from the child the flaws in his appearance, without deceit, point to protruding ears, liquid hair, crooked teeth. If you have a girl, act even tougher. Let her know that she will definitely not be married.

You can tell a child that appearance is not important for life, but never say what is important.

Do not pay attention to the clothes of the baby, do not try to please him.

Moms take note!

Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me, but I’ll write about it))) But I have nowhere to go, so I’m writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too ...

Perfection

Raise a perfectionist. Demand that the child must do everything on five. You should not be satisfied with fours, second places. No - failures and misses, only forward. Every time a child fails, show your wild disappointment to them. If everything worked out, do not be proud of him and do not praise, let this be an incentive to become even better.

Repeat every mistake many times, do not forget to repeat that you warned him. Teach her not to show initiative, she is punishable, if she doesn’t know how, then let her not try. You don't need extra frustration.

Words were not given

Do not give your child the right to explain the reasons for actions and actions, interrupt more, negotiate and think for him yourself, stopping attempts to correct you. Do not keep secrets, feel free to tell everyone what the child wanted to hide. This will deprive him of even the thought of trusting you and destroy the initiative.

Your opinion

Your word is the law, impose it on the child. “I know better”, “do as I say” are the most acceptable phrases. Be illogical and inconsistent. He brought home a five, scold, there is nothing to be an upstart, let him give other children the opportunity to prove themselves. Don't forget to do the exact opposite next time.

Be ironic, forget about sincerity, laugh when the child apologizes.

Commitments

Always firmly demand that you fulfill all obligations and keep your word, do not do this yourself, you are an adult, you can change your mind. Promise to punish and forget, let him suffer and think about his behavior. They said that you would definitely go to the circus, but they didn’t want to, well, okay, stay at home, let him take care of himself.

Demand more from day to day, do not pay attention if the child does not have time at all from your tasks, not only for games and rest, but even for study. Nothing, let him get used to it, life is not an easy thing. Do not think that the task may be overwhelming, it is not your concern, let them strive for excellence.

Friendship

Forbid making friends with children that you do not like, let communication with peers do not interfere with studying and doing household chores, exclude it to the maximum. Do not mentally prepare your child for either kindergarten or school, let him adapt himself. Explain as clearly as possible that most people are nothing but trouble than less people closer to you, the better. Replenish the baggage of stereotypes for the child. Learn to envy others.

Invite only adults to birthdays and other children's parties, children will harm your repairs and expensive dishes.

Time

There is not enough time for a baby, nothing, in the old days in families with a dozen children, they somehow grew up, and yours will grow up. If your conscience bothers you a lot, pay off. Gifts, branded clothes. Let him not say later that you did not give him anything in childhood.

Screams, punishments

Nothing will relieve your nervous tension like a heart-rending cry at a delinquent child. He will definitely not answer you in the same way, so you should not worry about the consequences. The child was not guilty, nothing, break down on him, if you feel bad, let him forgive.

Beat the child, this is the most effective method kill all normal feelings in him, give rise to cruelty, close in his own little world.

Of course, all of the above advice is harmful. And the life of a child at the same time seems terrible. normal parent strive to give the best to your child, but we are all not perfect and we can make mistakes. It is important to recognize them in time and correct them so as not to harm the baby's psyche. Psychologists say that a person is not born with a set of traits and qualities that can determine future self-doubt, only during communication and knowledge of the world can we begin to doubt ourselves, be afraid to make decisions. The child receives the greatest experience in the family, from his relatives.

Self-doubt is often born in childhood and, like a splinter, sits in a person for many years. Help your child grow up calm, capable of self-respect, believing in himself and his abilities.

Build your child's confidence

And finally, we offer classes in the form exciting game to develop confidence in the child.

Our hero. Hang a poster with a portrait of a child in one of the rooms, prepare stickers. May every day throughout certain period each member of the family writes on a sticker what the baby is unique in, what good he did during the day, what he succeeded in. The child himself can also characterize himself. Finished poster can be hung in his bedroom so that the child has the opportunity to remember in anxious moments that he is unique and talented;
Piggy bank of victories. Make a box with your child, decorate it to your child's taste. Let every day, upon returning from kindergarten or school, the child writes a small note of what he has achieved today, and throws it into the box, let him record even the smallest victories. Five in the most difficult subject, beautiful drawing, a victory in a sports competition, a pie cooked with mom, etc .;
Say a phrase. To find out how the child perceives praise and criticism from the outside, try taking the ball and throwing it to the baby, saying only the beginning of the phrase “I can ...”, “I am doing great ...”, “I am the best at ...”, “I want to know ...”, "I will learn..." etc. Have the child continue each sentence;
Wizard. Imagine that you and your baby are wizards, you can turn and turn into animals and heroes of fairy tales and cartoons. Depict the character each time after the transformation. Observe the child in what images he likes to transform. If he is a tiger, a hero, a brave knight, then the baby wants to become bold, and if the child chooses inconspicuous roles, then he wants to remain in the shadows, he is inherently constrained.

Can be used

Our readers liked it so much that we decided to decipher it and publish it, including in text form.

- Dear brothers and sisters, we are glad to see you all at our educational courses, and today our guest is Archpriest Fyodor Borodin, rector of the Church of the Holy Immortals. Cosmas and Damian on Maroseyka. The topic of our today's meeting is "How to grow happy child? Father Fedor, you have the floor.

Without love between mom and dad, the child will be unhappy.

- Hello, dear brothers and sisters. I am not a teacher and not a psychologist by education, so rather, I will share my experience - both positive and negative. I have been married for 26 years and have 8 children. The eldest is 25 years old, the youngest is 3.5 years old. And there are a lot of children in the parish, many families with many children, so the topic is close, which I think about all the time, and therefore I can tell something like that. But the first thing to understand is that in raising a happy child, a happy marriage of parents is needed, and this is unconditional. And this is a problem not only where the divorce took place, but even where it is, which is now a rarity, as you know, did not take place. The fact is that the family is such a task that must be solved every day anew. And at some point, a person may find that everything is on the verge of collapse into misunderstanding, into emptiness, into ... Anna Akhmatova has such words - “loneliness together”. And everything seemed to be fine, it seemed that they agreed on everything, understood each other, were happy, loved each other, and suddenly - nothing. After a long time spent in the family, I can testify that such periods do happen. Suddenly a man who has 5, 6, 7 children comes to Confession and says: that's it, there's nothing left, a stranger, I don't know what to do. And children feel it with lightning speed. The fact is that neither spouse is static in his spiritual development man. And a person is not equal to himself during different periods of his life, a person develops, he becomes different. I am changing, she is changing, and we constantly have to rub against each other. This requires effort, first of all, of course, it requires humility from a person, because a family is a kind of contract. So, we agreed, we chose some kind of common value system - first of all, this is the Gospel. And this is fundamentally important, why marriages with unbelievers are so difficult. All of you, probably, were at the wedding, this sacrament was performed on someone, someone prayed while performing the sacrament on others, you remember the lectern, the Gospel lies on it, the priest, taking her and him by the hands, leads around three times. It is a symbol of the eternal unity of these people, which is based on what is written in this Book. If what is written in this Book for one of the spouses is not the basis of his life, sooner or later it will lead, well, almost always, to collapse. And, unfortunately, there are many such broken families, and in our parish too.

Raising a happy child requires a happy marriage of parents

So, a loved one is ... At my wedding, a good friend of my parents said very good toast. He said that a loved one is like a lump of crumpled paper on which there is some very important text, and your whole life, your whole life will be unfolding this paper and delving into this text. A beloved person is a person who develops, changes, God sets different tasks for him during different periods of his life, and for me too. And, once again, this requires a lot of work. Yes, in order to understand - you can say quite roughly - in order to understand another person, and this applies to any person, not just a spouse, you need to be able to shut up, shut up, stop your value judgment and just try to hear him. In marriage, it's the same. Suddenly it turns out that a lot has changed in a person, but you are not ready, but in you everything is static, nothing changes, it seems that you are going normally, calmly through life. This is the first, this is a necessary condition - love between mom and dad. The child will not be happy if this love is not there. What is needed in practice to support it? No matter how hard it is, no matter how beautiful the ministries of a husband or wife, work, creative work, it may even be a church service - it is necessary to spend time separately from children at least sometimes. It is categorically necessary to sit down and talk, go somewhere, do something together. Otherwise, especially if this is an Orthodox family, where usually there is not one child, but one after another, a break of two or three years, it may be that there is no conversation for 5-6 years. It boils, doubts, condemnations, new problems accumulate, and the skill to discuss them goes away. Here, it takes time to formulate them, designate them, discuss them, you need a skill for this, for sure. This is the first condition, because without this, without love between mom and dad, of course, the child will be unhappy.

What to do if the family broke up? In general, it is impossible to compensate for this loss. One can only partially fill this void with some practical steps. But I can say that my parents divorced 38 years ago, I was 12 years old then, and this part of my soul still hurts. If, as I think, there are people here who also had divorced parents when they were in adolescence, then this wound does not heal, and the consequences of this divorce, those destructions are spiritual, mental - a nuclear explosion occurred in the child's world. These consequences, I began to evaluate them and see them only 15 years later, maybe even more - 20 years later, as it happened. Then I realized that they need to be worked on, they need to be healed. And, of course, for a child, this is a huge tragedy, irreparable. I’ll tell you a story about how a grandmother, our parishioner, taking her daughter, who was abandoned by her husband, and her grandson to the dacha for the summer, witnessed how every day he goes somewhere in the field to play. 10 years old child, 11-12. She decided to look, followed him. Here he goes out into the field, she hid somewhere behind the bushes so that he would not see, stands up to her full height and starts shouting: “Dad! Dad!" But he never saw dad, dad left right away, and he didn’t even pay alimony. Here he will scream, cry, wipe his tears, return home. That is, the soul of the child yearns, he is wounded by this. There are some ways to partially compensate for all these losses, but more on that maybe a little later. This is the first thing, love between parents.

The child has no strength to resist evil

Second, the child needs control. The child feels unhappy, he does not understand the world that surrounds him, if he does not feel parental authority. Often modern parents trying to become only friends with their child. We are very close friends to them, but you can't just be friends. The fact is that parental authority is given by God, and any authority necessarily presupposes the service of suppressing evil, that is, the growth of evil in a child. And this power is necessary, no matter how educators trumpet the opposite: the child does not have his own strength, he does not have his own fortress to resist evil. And this power should be in both the father and the mother. And if they do not resist the evil in the soul of the child, then the child is, of course, unhappy, simply because evil consumes him. It's understandable if you see your child climbing into computer game He won't be able to resist it. I have a friend, a classmate at school, he is 50 years old, his last marriage broke up because he played in "Tanchiki". Here, he could not cope with this in any way, the World Cup coincided with the peak of this game, and his wife could not stand it. She said, “I can't, he's like a drunkard. He's not at home, he's there." If an adult strong man cannot resist it, how will the child resist it? Despite all his screams and so on, this opportunity must be taken away from him or reduced to a minimum. Let's say he plays some normal non-killing game, a strategy game like the one you tested, once a week, on a Sunday night, or twice a week. That is, the struggle for the purity of the child's soul is a necessary condition. He himself cannot resist the temptations, if the parent resigns this responsibility, then the child, of course, is very bad. And he, of course, is unhappy, because these things also destroy the properties of the soul, first of all, they destroy the will. I have never smoked, but my parishioners, classmates at school, many of them faced this problem, some of those sitting here also face it. And when I was a child, I thought that this is how adults resist it, well, what's wrong with that. And when the young parishioners of our church began to fall into this, I understood what was happening. All our asceticism consists of a large number of small deeds. Every day we train our will to win over our passions and sins: not to accept a thought a little, not to yell in response to the fact that you stepped on your foot, to wash the dishes when you don’t feel like it. This is such a practical thing. Return yourself to prayer, to reading, despite the fact that you want to lie on the sofa and take the TV remote control. And smoking is the reverse process: every day I train my will to defeat 10 or 20 times. That is why the statistics are as follows: most often it happens that if a teenager smokes, most likely, all the other sins will also be his, most likely, he can try alcohol, now it is completely accessible, drugs, most likely, there will be fornication, and it will be bad with studies, and now - the will is amazed. And where was I, as a parent, when it started? Why didn't I limit it? This is such a small illustration.

What is happiness

The next thing I would like to talk about is to understand a little deeper what happiness is. Happiness is, in general, a secular term, not a Christian term. For us, there is a deeper word - bliss, that is, happiness, which implies a properly built, created relationship with the Lord. And we have the words of Jesus Christ, which were not included in the Gospel, which the apostle Paul says when meeting with the Ephesian presbyters. He says: “It is more blessed to give than to receive,” that is, it is more happiness to give than to receive. This is the most important thing for us as Christians. That is, it is more blessed to serve than to be served. This is the principle, I think you discussed it in previous meetings when you talked about family happiness, Maybe. Yes, was it? This main principle marital happiness, which is now completely forgotten. I had such an episode when a church man, an altar boy of our church, married with a child, decided that his family was over. A believing person taking communion, so he decided that was all. And we sat down with him after the service on a bench in the temple, and there I talked to him for 3 hours. I asked: "Are you at least somehow to blame?" - because the wife was to blame for everything. He said: “Yes, it’s my fault, I still had one mistake, I was too soft with her from the very beginning. And then I got tired of it all.” And I say: “When you got married, did you want to make her happy?” The reaction was such that he looked at me like this: “What an interesting thought, Father Fyodor, I didn’t think about it.” You see, a man is in his 40s, gray hair has already appeared. Here is a person who gets married, gets married, because he is in the middle, and someone else should become in the orbit that he invented and created in his head and revolve around him in a certain way. This is the path to family misfortune. And the same with children.

If a child does not learn love as a service, he misses the main thing in Christianity.

This means that if a child does not learn love as a service, he, firstly, misses the main thing in Christianity, because we know how the Son of God says: Christ came, not to be served, but to serve and give his soul for the salvation of many (cf. Matthew 20:28). And we, each of us, walk the path of Christ. And secondly, he condemns himself to the impossibility of becoming blissful, if narrowed down, then happy. Therefore, every child must work, work spiritually, mentally and physically. That is, he must understand that if his mother is tired and goes to bed, then he cannot scream. All whims should not be fulfilled. In no case should he be rude. There are, in my opinion, three things for which a child must be punished. This is rudeness, this is a deliberate lie, and this is gloating. There is absolutely no need to punish for broken cups and plates. And these sins that began to sprout in him - they must be stopped, they must be weeded out, just as we weed out in the garden. If he does not learn to serve, to limit himself, if he does not learn to humble himself for the sake of another person, then later it will be very difficult for him in life. It will be very difficult for him to create a family, which is why it is easier for a child from a large family to learn to humble himself, at least where there are two or three, more is better. Why - because it is clear: here he is the youngest, such an inflamed navel of the earth, and now someone appeared nearby, because of whom they say to him: “Shut up, you can’t wake up. Be patient, share." It's all like that practical lessons Christian attitude towards the world. The only thing I want to make a small footnote: when it appears next child, you will inevitably limit the previous child, and you need to caress him a lot, he needs a lot of attention. He needs to be put on his knees, maybe one of you has already passed: a baby appears, previous child puts on his diapers, wraps himself in diapers, sucks on a pacifier, acts up. He does whatever he wants to get his attention back. Punishing is useless, you need to take him on your knees and just squeeze him, kiss him, and all problems will pass. That is, he is looking for an answer, whether he is loved as much as before.

Here, and the situation itself, of course, forces him to serve. This must necessarily be expressed in some kind of housework, necessarily, that is, the child must be given some household duties in addition to his own bed, the table on which his textbooks are laid out, the shoes that he puts in place - he must have some part of a family-wide obedience to restore order. There were three of us elder sister , younger brother and I, when we were little, my mother distributed duties between us in a certain way: I set the table, cleared the table, swept the corridor and went for bread, my sister washed the dishes and went to the bakery, went for dairy. And so, if the dishes were not washed, I felt calm, if the table was not cleared, then I was physically ill. You see, I feel bad, I can’t, and it has eaten into me so much, and I am so grateful to my mother for this, you understand? The problem is not what you have to say to the child: why don't you help me, shame on you, go clean up the mess. This does not work. You must allocate to him specific cases that you insistently demand from him until he himself learns to answer for them. Firstly, this is service: he understands that there is a common burden, part of which he bears. Family: dad comes home from work tired, mom is tired, so I do it. And secondly, it sets up a mechanism for taking responsibility for a particular segment of some kind of doing. Then, if you instruct him to take out the garbage, after 5 years of sawing him, passing by the trash can, he ties the bag himself, takes it out and inserts a new one, without a reminder, that's all: this mechanism appeared in it. He will be able to be a company commander, rector of a temple, anyone, he will be able to be in charge of the process. Here, this is the position of the goalkeeper. Here, the midfielder and the defender can miss the ball, and if I miss the ball, then there will be a goal. I have to organize everything so that this thing gets done. Don't rely on anyone. Here is my advice from my childhood and what I now practice with our children is a clear division of responsibilities. First of all, because this is a ministry, and it creates a person, brings him closer to a blessed state, on the basis of the words of Christ, we think so. It is easier for you, otherwise you will do everything around the house, and this is completely wrong, you will bring up an egoist. And you will help him in his future life, because now he will get a job ... Here is how this cleaning from the table was realized for me: I began to serve in another church in Moscow, and when the rector left, and I was just ordained the priest, there was also a second priest, older, very spiritually experienced, an excellent confessor, a man of the broadest education and self-education, - while the rector, leaving, entrusting the services, explained everything to me. I say: “Father, why are you telling me everything?” He says: “That father will forget, but you will remember.” And then the clearing of the table worked, that is, I will not forget, although, of course, the authority of the second priest and mine was completely different. And it never occurred to anyone to change places. Nevertheless, organizational skills should appear in your child in childhood.

Violation of the principle of paternity

Another very important thing, perhaps the most important conclusion that I made for myself. We now have great amount families where children are completely separated from their parents by the end of the transition period. Here, at 18, 19 years old, dad, mom is not an authority, it can be rudeness and rudeness, it can be just ignoring. It often happens ridiculously that a child does not hear what his father tells him and fundamentally disagrees, and at the same time he hears and fulfills the same opinion from an outsider, that is, the authority of the father or mother is completely destroyed. And, unfortunately, this is not an exceptional case, it is in a huge number of families. Some kind of Petya from the street is more authority for me than my father. And this is disastrously wrong. It shouldn't be like that, right? It should not be like this, this is a completely broken system of relationships, and it has become the rule.

Why is this happening? The fact is that we generally have an almost completely destroyed system of parenthood in our country. It all started with the revolution, when everything that the fathers and forefathers did was declared ridiculous, shameful or criminal. And everything before 1917 was wrong. We went through any literary work from the point of view of the class struggle, that everything was bad, you understand? It's funny now, you know, but there was such a joke that Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin, foreseeing the revolution, wrote the poem "October has already come." But it was born out of, indeed, how it was all taught: everything was wrong before. But this is a violation of the principle of paternity. And the principle of fatherhood, the relationship between a parent and a child, is generally the basis of our faith, because when the apostles ask Christ: teach us to pray, how to pray, - after all, this is not just a question, a person asks the Lord: Lord, who are you to me? Are you my Judge, Are you my Creator? Do you just punish me when I'm wrong and reward me when I do the right thing, or do you not care? Perhaps, as the French enlighteners used to say, You are a great watchmaker who wound up an ideal mechanism and walked away, and simply watches how these gears grind each of us? Maybe you just don't care, maybe you don't care? The Lord says, “No. You address God as the Father." By the way, the tragedy of our time is that it was very good to start a conversation about Christianity in the previous decade with the parable of the prodigal son. And now I come to the school class, and I understand that almost everyone who sits there does not live with their dads, they do not know what a normal father is. And this example, which the Lord took in order to tell that God is waiting for any repentant person and is ready to accept in any situation, now it requires additional explanation, it has ceased to be an internally obvious example for a person. You see, the tragedy is that this has never happened before. We must look for another beginning of the conversation about Christianity. And these relationships were destroyed, because a huge number of fathers died in repression, in the Civil War, in the Second world war. Those who did not die are millions of people who were imprisoned, and this should not be forgotten either. This temple is in the name of the new martyrs, those who suffered and were killed for their faith. And how many people weren't killed for their faith? Your child is 3 years old, they put you in jail for 18 years, you get out, he is 21. No one is to blame, but you are a stranger to him, understand? You were not around, and you can’t do anything, but he is embarrassed by you, because you are amazed at your rights, and if they find out at work, then you won’t get anywhere at all. And the whole country is like that. Here, my father and mother both grew up without fathers, both were killed at the front in 1942, and they could not save the family, because neither he nor she - they did not see a normal family, they did not have this behavioral scenario. They did not have, as we now say, these archetypes of behavior. While my sons were teenagers, it was very easy for me, I somehow remembered in my gut how dad acted and mom acted when they lived together. I naturally reacted to some things, and when they were closer to 20, I realized that I had nowhere to take from, I don’t have this example, because my father had not lived with us since I was 12, although we communicated. He has already died, I love him very much, I do not condemn him in any way, I have no right to do so.

The child must know that he is respected

The beginning of rudeness is the condemnation of parents

By the way, this is another thing that a child should be forbidden. The beginning of rudeness is the condemnation of parents. That is, dad can be wrong, but we will not discuss this with you. At the same time, it is extremely important for the child that the parent should be able to ask for forgiveness from the child. Why is this fundamentally important? Because if I insist on my own, as on my own, the child will question this much faster than if I insist on the law, which is also binding on me. Therefore, if I fell into irritation, yelled at the child and punished him unfairly, or was simply annoyed, which is already bad in itself, because punishment does not work in irritation, I am sinning, the child understands this. And the essence of what is happening is escaping, the punishment is not being committed as a change in the child. I ask for forgiveness, and he understands that there is a law of God over us, which is obligatory for everyone. And the child becomes much calmer, also because when a parent asks for forgiveness, the child understands that he is respected. This is the next point, absolutely necessary for the happiness of the child. A child should know that he is respected when he is 3 years old, when he is 7, when he is 12, when he is 18. No matter how unpleasant he is at a transitional age, no matter how ugly it all looks - and it looks very ugly, - he must understand that he is valuable, that his opinion is important.

Maybe you remember how important it is that dad and mom listen to you. It's not just the parents, it's the school as well. Suddenly the literature teacher listened to you. And your inner world it grows a lot from it. You feel much more responsible. If they listen to you, then your opinion means something. But this is a gap that usually occurs in our transition age. Of course, now he is like a hurricane. You know, recently a child came to Confession for the first time with his mother, but his father is not there. He began his confession with these words: “I am in a transitional period, so I can’t cope, so I’m being rude, so-and-so, so-and-so.” But the meaning was this - I have transitional age so I can. Now, I don't remember exactly how he put it, but he said it very well then. Of course, we later talked with him that this is not an excuse.

We raise a child not for ourselves

But what happens in transition? We are not raising a child for ourselves. We all declare this, but it is very difficult to understand and put it into practice. This is a huge task that we did not face when they were small, so it will be difficult to solve it when they grow up. He decides what he does; whom does he marry; how and what will happen in his family; what balance he will have in the family with his wife; who will decide what. And we can't interfere with it. We can advise when asked. We can help. But we can come to the family, for example, a mother-in-law comes to the family, and she should go up to her daughter-in-law and say: you are the mistress here, how can I help you? And not like this: well, quickly wash it there, because my son is used to cleanliness, and what's going on with you here. This is completely unacceptable. Again, where does it come from? We love - we own, we do not love - we serve. Therefore, my son, how is it - he is first her husband, and then my son, although for the previous 25 years he was first my son, and then everything else. This is a very difficult task, it is difficult to shut up in order to maintain relationships, not to destroy a young family. And how many young families are destroyed by mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law, you all know very well.

That's when the child begins the transition period, he begins to master the world realizing the freedom given to him by God. He must do it, we must help him with this. This is fine. We educate him not for ourselves, he is given to us for a while. Then he, remaining our child, becomes our very close friend, brother or sister in Christ, in the Kingdom of God. It can be an extremely deep relationship, friendly, including respect and reverence for parents. However, it is a relationship between two free people. And he begins to master it. How is freedom mastered, what is the easiest thing to do? The easiest way is to light a cigarette, spit on the pavement, drink beer and swear. Do you understand? It's like you act like a grown-up uncle when you're 14. And you need to reject parental custody. All that mother puts on: a scarf, no, I won't wear it, let me catch a cold, it doesn't matter. Here, it is important that I am without a scarf, because my mother put it on. It's stupid, because it's minus 15 on the street, but that's it, the relationship is stretched to the limit. This cordial connection, this huge rope - in childhood, up to 5 years old, the child trusted you with absolutely everything - it stretches to the thinnest string. And very many are torn. And what happens is what happens in most families, when parents completely lose their authority. The parent is angry, upset, offended: how is it, I worked hard, I fed you, put shoes on, dressed you, we went on vacation with you, you had everything, you are well educated, I took you to sections, to circles, where is the gratitude? Gratitude, perhaps, will be when he brings up his children, when he goes through their transitional age with them. Or maybe not, because the child perceives everything that was invested in him in childhood as a duty fulfilled by his parents. And if you took him to English, you could take care of yourself, but instead you visited a teacher with him 2 thousand times or 1.5 thousand times - he knows English, you have nothing to do with it. He is so talented, that's why he entered the institute so easily. It doesn't work on reconnecting. It's bad, it's unfair, but it doesn't work, you know?

What works? Here's what to do so that this rope, stretched to the string, does not burst? You have to take care of the child while he is small, you understand? Feed, shoe, dress, keep warm and take to mugs - it's good. We need to talk to him, and practically no one does this now. And talk not about what you want to invest in a child. But, so that you can unwind a little, I will tell you an anecdote from the life of my children. We had a woman in our parish, she is still our parishioner, she worked at the zoo. And at my request, she brought animals to Sunday school: an otter, a muskrat, a snake, some kind of snake. And the snake is such a lizard without legs, such a vile, translucent snake, absolutely disgusting. She crawled on the table, and my child, Philip, was sitting in the front row and was so worried and worried that he was picking his nose, he almost climbed up to the elbow, and I was sitting in the back, and I was ashamed, and I could not do anything . And so we got into the car, we drove back, the wife asks: “Well, children, did you like it?” Philip says: "Snake." I remember and explain that you can not pick your nose. I don’t yell, I’m not annoyed, I tell him for 10 minutes about hygiene, about decency, about people around. And when I finish, he says: "Well, so nasty, transparent." You see, he put himself on pause. And we laughed for a very long time. And since then, we have this kind of family joke - "so nasty", which means that the child does not listen to you.

You must tell the child how to behave, both the father and the mother must pass on a lot of experience to the child, but this can only be done on material that is interesting to the child, understand? So, either you read books, or tell fairy tales, or you talk with him, but you speak only on the material that the child is now interested in. This is fundamentally important. What is happening, you understand: dad descended from his Olympus, came to me, sat on the bed and told me a story. It's better than cartoons than action movies, trust me. Mom is reading a book. I still remember how my mother read Aksakov to us, “Childhood of Bagrov-grandson”, maybe you read such wonderful Russian literature. And I was very lucky: while we were little, my father told us, it was called fables. Here he came, sat down, he had a semi-fairy character - a friend of his youth. And he, as I now understand, retold various stories, "The Invisible Man", for example. It is impossible to come up with many stories on your own. But it didn't matter, you know? Even when his father left, he had two more children in another family, all the same, the relationship was cordial. So this is the most important point. You talk to the child with respect, although you are absolutely not interested in these transformers or something else. You understand that this is complete nonsense in cultural terms, but you came into his world, and in his world, with respect for his interests, say something to him, quietly putting in there those things that you want to convey to him, and not imposing on him and listening to his answers. This is the foundation that will give you the opportunity to control the child in transition period. He will respect you no matter what. social media, despite all that attack on his soul, consciousness, on his heart that is going on there, you understand? Dad is the one who respects and loves me, he came to me, and he spoke to me, for me, in an interesting and important way. This practical advice.

I tell fairy tales to children, and anyone can do it, the process itself is important for the child. It doesn't matter to him that it may not be very high literature. It is important for him... Remember, they tell fairy tales to children - this is such a lever of education traditionally Russian, now completely lost. It's easier if you put a CD on him and you do whatever you want. And other people are raising him, Smeshariki are raising him there, and someone else, you understand? How do you do it? You definitely take 2 or 3 characters around his age, a little older. You immerse it in some era, it could be the Viking era, it could be the era of pirates, it could be the era of Prince Vladimir, whatever. And you are modeling, designing, just assembling, like a constructor, some kind of adventure. You can take any series and design based on it, the child will be absolutely happy, understand? Will be absolutely happy. Here, our fairy tales began from the moment when Philip cried a lot at the birth of his 3rd child. And the fairy tale began about such a mythical character Lapith, who never whined and pulled himself up a lot. That's how I started. He became head of King Arthur's guard afterwards. Then Vladyka Arseniy came to us, they brought Philip to take communion, he says: “King Arthur!”. He asked, "What?" - "King Arthur!" He was so engrossed in it. It could be about 2 years, it could be 3 years. We had a fairy tale about Alyosha, the son of Father Vasily, that is, Alyosha Popovich and his friend, the son of a pagan blacksmith, who fall into the squad of Prince Vladimir. We had a fairy tale about two brothers who were kidnapped by the Crimean Tatars, taken away in the 15th century, they passed through St. Bartholomew's night, they returned later. This can all be very interesting. There was a fairy tale about a pilot shot down on June 23, 1941, who then for two years, while I was telling this fairy tale, retreated and tried to catch up with the outgoing front line. And you tell him: what is the beginning of the war, who are the partisans, what is the occupation, and, firstly, he listens, and you tell him something that you want to tell him. Well, okay, that's it, let's have a fairy tale now, adventures themselves, which means we need adventures already. And this leads to the fact that this connection is created.

Here, not in terms of boasting, I’ll say that my wife once went for a walk, we rented an apartment in Mitino. The end of May, the sandbox, the first such day is wonderful, and all the children poured out with their mothers. And so, they show toys, show off - expensive, good ones. We do not have such an opportunity. Here the boy says: "Here I have this, I have this." And the son says: “And dad tells us interesting tales.” Such a pause. Moms all turn around. And he says it with such pride, you know? And my wife retells it to me, and I feel good. And indeed, now they are already adults, but we have this connection, it is preserved, it has not been interrupted, it does not need to be restored. Despite the fact that my friend, very close, from kindergarten, who is like a brother to me, he was alone, he had only dad and mom. That is, there were much more opportunities to engage in it. But there, dad lived on the principle of “TV-slippers-newspaper”, or is it now “tablet-computer-work”, right? This is how this Soviet principle is now being implemented in our country. And when my son, my friend, turned 18, everything fell apart. His father became a failure for him, a loser, as we say now, although he worked great, he wealthy man according to Soviet times, he worked in the closed defense industry, there was a car, there were two dachas. But his parents sent him all the time to pioneer camps and to grandmothers in the country. They did not spend the weekend with him, because on the weekend you have to rest. I worked, I did everything, I fulfilled my duties, that's all. The relationship was restored when the father fell seriously ill with cancer, about 5 or 6 years ago. A friend finished school in 1985, as you understand. So, this whole huge central piece of life passed without the influence of the father, the father was absolutely not an authority. He was just nobody.

But father and mother are people who continue to develop at the age of 18, and at 25, and 30, and at 40, if you have a living father with whom you have contact, you need his experience very much, and you You need your mother already as an adviser, as a friend, you need her, even if you are already 40 or 50 years old, because she still went much further along the road of life. If this is a believer especially, then she understands you more. Here, so that it does not burst, it is necessary to take care of the child. I highly recommend these stories. Moreover, it is interesting that they then grow up, and I have exhausted the plots, they watched the film, they resort:

Dad, it turns out you lied to us.

What is it?

You didn’t invent it, it was such a film, we watched it.

Well guys, what can I do, because I can't write an interesting story for 40 minutes 4 times a week. You see, it's impossible, I'm not Arina Rodionovna. But all the same, you understand, there is contact, and I use it even at the parish. That is, in autumn, winter and spring I tell a fairy tale to children, fixing its main plot moves, and then we go to a summer camp with parish children. And there I tell them this tale, but every day, before dinner, for an hour and a half or an hour. It helps me immensely when they grow up in matters of Confession. Of course, I am not their own father, this is understandable, but, you see, there is trust. That is, they are sausage, as we are now saying, yes, in their transitional age, their relationship with their father and mother almost crumbled. But the priest is not just a man with a beard and, it is not clear why, in a long black skirt who wants something from them. Again, the same mechanism: this is a person who was interested in me when I was little, he came and talked to me about what was important to me, so I will go to him for Confession, and I can open up to him, and I can listen to him advice. And it works even with other people's children, and it certainly works with your own children.

Spiritual life is a struggle

What else did you want to say? In case the father left, here's how you can compensate a little. It is necessary to give the child to some kind of struggle, because, of course, when you grow up with your father, and the father is always there, you happy man and now there are very few of them. Many grow up with stepfathers, many grow up without fathers at all. You have no one to copy, you do not know how an adult, strong, generous and noble man behaves. And the girl does not know this, so she does not understand who she is marrying, and the guy does not understand how to behave. Most often, these qualities are present in a professional coach, especially if he is a person of the old coaching school. It is better, of course, if these are not some kind of shock techniques, such as karate, which are aimed at causing pain, first of all. And the trainers of martial arts just do not have this Soviet coaching hardening. It is better if it is freestyle wrestling, classical, or it is sambo, judo, because usually sambo teachers teach both. The point is that in Soviet time there was a strict rule that if the coach finds out that you beat someone on the street, you had a call to the police, then you will be kicked out immediately. And the coaches explain. But it's not even about what they explain.

The fact is that a person who trains walks and boasts for the first six months, tries to show everything to everyone, and then he acquires skills that are absolutely necessary for a man. They are necessary for a Christian, because the spiritual life is a struggle, you see, we will not get away from this. We are confronted by a personal adversary, Satan. This is where the people in the font are baptized, they turn to the west and spit on him. Here's the Christian life: it's Satan who opposes you, and you challenged him to battle when you were baptized. A person must be able to lose. A person should be able to find joy in the process itself, he does not have to win. Imagine modern child who plays only to win. Our neighbors had such a child: when the little children poured out to play, he came and said: “I am the commander!” They told him: “You know, now it’s not your turn, you will be after Vasya.” "No!" - and then he ruined the whole game. If he lost, he was offended immediately. I think we were also offended when we lost as children, but we learned. So, when there is a struggle, a person learns this, then all arrogance flies off him, he does not need to prove anything to anyone. He knows what pain is, and therefore he is afraid to inflict it. Usually, those who have been doing this for a long time avoid conflicts, go to them only in the most extreme cases. Such is the influence of the learning process itself, and, of course, the influence of the coach.

I live outside the city, where a benefactor built a temple in a suburban area, no one, a huge concrete temple with a basement, with a house, he ran the gas, he paid for everything. But there is no one, there is a large village across the railway, but it is inconvenient to walk from there. There is a tiny temple, crowded with people, stuffy, hot. But there is a very large detour here, and it is impossible for parishioners to get through. And we sat down with the future rector, then he was a deacon, and decided to create a sambo section. We bought mats and laid them right under the temple. So, 30 or 40 minutes is the Law of God, then the children go to study ... We found a wonderful coach who went through Afghanistan, amazing man, a real warrior, very calm, quiet, noble. magnanimous. And my parents and I - this priest, or his wife, or me, or the catechist - have been talking all this time. I don't care, the children are engaged, that's why I sit and talk. Drinking tea. And 7 or 8 years have passed there, on Sunday it is difficult to go to the temple, so many people go there. They come by car, by bus. There are a huge number of children. This is a suburban area, in the summer - of course, the suburbs are near Moscow, in winter there are 150-180 participants. Ordinary Sunday, you know what a community. Well, it all started with these lessons. Of course, this priest just has such a heart, and he loves to work with youth and children, and it turns out. But in parallel, there is such a male upbringing. Here's what else.

If there is service, there is a gift of the Holy Spirit

And parenthood, fatherhood, motherhood, of course, is a service to the Lord, and, of course, the Lord will help. But it will be more difficult for you, of course, if you did not grow up in complete family. Significantly more difficult. Naturally, you will have nowhere to take examples from, you do not have these reserves. But you will succeed. Here I have an example before my eyes, this is my wonderful wife. She grew up without parents, her father left when she was 3 years old, he drank terribly, he did not even pay child support. Mother ... there are continuous mistakes in education, she lived her life absolutely. And childhood memories are an unhealed wound. This is a mother standing on the windowsill for 3 hours, who screams: "I'm going to throw myself out." It's horrible. She was raised by her grandmother and uncle. Here she has absolutely nowhere to take examples. She has each child comprehended separately, each separately taken. This is not a line. This is a small woman, can you imagine, she has 6 sons and 2 daughters. The older ones are already standing like that ... I call her: I stay overnight from Saturday to Sunday in Moscow, she says: “You left me, left me in the barracks. They all go, they ruined the refrigerator. They ate everything there." Everyone came in the evening, and everyone wants something to chew there. Mom is running around. But each separately, because each has its own illnesses, its own peculiarities, it is necessary to track, suddenly he cannot do something, suddenly there is some kind of trouble with the child.

A large family is a car loaded to the limit

Now it's just an epidemic mental disorders. As for depression, tsunami hits, we just haven't figured out yet that it comes from an overload of heavy information that we can't handle. So, I talked with a wonderful believing psychiatrist, with the son of Father Gleb Kaleda, Vasily Glebovich Kaleda. The surname is very famous. We simply do not imagine the scale of the catastrophe that is approaching us, humanity has never faced this. Suddenly your child, yesterday he was strong, successful, - suddenly he is now almost broken. And you need to leave everything and talk to him. That is why the large family much more vulnerable. And you need to understand what we are going for, because a large family, you know, is a car loaded to the limit, it has all the details, all the units work at full capacity, and you cannot take someone else to jail. Now, if you have one or two children, then one of you is sick, you can switch your attention to him. And so - you do not have additional resources, they do not exist at all. They don't exist in principle. It's not something you can say to yourself: don't rest, or, let's say, don't sleep. You just don't have time. At some point I realized that I had not combed my hair in front of a mirror for 2 months. Here is a small detail: you don’t have time to stand in front of the mirror to comb your hair, you do it on the run, and you hold the phone between your shoulder and ear and say something while doing it. Nevertheless, the grace of God works. If you step over yourself, serve these little souls that are growing, then, of course, the Lord tells you what can be tolerated, what cannot be tolerated.

There is a lot to be endured during adolescence.

In transitional age, a lot must be endured. I didn't say it. That is, a child behaves in such a way when he is 15 years old that if you continue to punish him for everything that you punished him for before, his life will turn into a constant punishment. And he will, of course, move away from you internally. He makes mistakes all the time, he provokes you all the time. That is, you didn’t notice something, you pretended that you didn’t hear something, you joked about something. Moreover, this is very difficult, the younger children ask: “Dad, why do you allow him, why is he allowed, but I can’t?” And you understand that he must be punished, he cannot be allowed to do this, and here you have to pretend that you did not notice. It just breaks the connection. You see, a large Orthodox family is a complex structure. And when some of the children are already adults, some of the children are still small, some questions arise for which you are not yet completely ready. The Lord will help you first.

Secondly, of course, the right love invested in children, not possessive, but the right love from birth - it always returns. She always comes back, I see how normally brought up children love their parents, how they take care of them. If you have several children, and you did not live for yourself, but first of all for them, raised, raised, loved them, then it does not matter what kind of pension you have and whether it will be or not. It's like in ancient times. That is, they will want to communicate with you. We have a family, such a traditional Orthodox family, where the parents are clergymen. And the children are arguing with whom the parents will live, you know, among themselves. Elderly parents, who impose certain restrictions on their freedom, on their pastime. They want. And their father there is as gray-haired as the patriarch of the Old Testament. “Dad will live at my house, we will all put up with it, but he will talk to his grandchildren.” It's like this Golden time.

If you sow love, it will surely grow and return to you.

And by the way, it's interesting that when there is this right love, then the question that dad or mom came and invaded my family does not arise at all. That is, when you love with humility, it is important for you to do the right thing, and not your own way. Here is the principle. And grandfather came, and everything is fine. And now I remember, I have a daughter, I got sick, my daughter is 8 years old. She comes, starts stroking me and says: “Dad, when you are old in the hospital, I will bring you oranges.” I felt so good right away. Indeed, I understand that I will have a lot of oranges in the hospital. I can even share, God forbid. I mean, love comes back, of course. Yes, as the Lord said, whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. And this He said not only about sins. If you sow love, it will surely grow and return to you. Definitely, and more will come back. Especially when the children grow up and, looking around, will understand how hard and wrong everything is for their peers. And you understand how much was invested in you, and you begin to appreciate it. And again, you need a parent. Again, you listen to his advice.

We, unfortunately, do not have grandparents, it so happened that we have no one to help in this sense, everything is on us. But you understand why the grandfather or grandmother in the family is so important. This is a person, if he is a Christian, in whom the passions have already died down or are dying out, who has tremendous life experience, and, of course, he creates an atmosphere in the family. And you are very grateful if he is in the upbringing of your child. You have not grown up to this yet, but he has already grown up, and you feel it, because, of course, jealousy right love must not be.

Here the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law share the husband and the son between themselves. And the love of a mother and the love of a wife are like sound and smell, you understand, they can be in the same space and not interfere with each other at all. They are different in nature, and just because we are proud and selfish, we are hindered by another person to whom my husband devotes time. But if we love with humility, love-serve, then this does not interfere with us at all.

What else is joyful? Still, if we evaluate, weigh what is in our earthly life, then, of course, the greatest treasure is the people who love us. There is nothing more expensive. You can't buy them, you can't just go and buy them. And if you brought up children normally, then there are many of them, these people. And this love for you, it is passed on to grandchildren, that is, there will be many of them who will need you ... You will be rich, this is a great treasure. So there is no need to be afraid of this, we are now faced with the fact that the paradigm of human self-realization and the children who interfere with us come into conflict.

Here we have a business executive in the church, a completely elderly person, he has relatives, they at one time, they are both doctors of science, worked at the same scientific institute and decided, in the 1960s, that they would not have children, that they will devote themselves entirely to science. The institute collapsed, science became completely different, they still have degrees, but this business executive says: “I can’t stay at their house for more than half an hour, it’s so hard. Maybe they didn't repent, maybe a lot of abortions were done there, I don't know. The situation is such that I just can’t be there.” So, self-realization was complete, and old age was lonely. And this, of course, is very scary.

And it is interesting that someday we will be subject to senile dementia, perhaps, yes? God forbid, of course. And the children will tolerate us, they will spoon-feed us, they will change our diapers, take the duck out from under us, if we dealt with them with love and joy, with respect, then this will not be difficult for them at all. And he won't wait until you finally die. And it will be natural: yes, I used to be like that, but my mother fed me with a spoon, she carried the pot out from under me. You see, what's wrong, now I'm repaying the debt. Well, that's what I wanted to say, and now, maybe you have some questions?

Children's quarrels - what should parents do?

Dear father, you have 8 children, for sure you are faced with the fact that the children are in conflict with each other, maybe fighting. How do you resolve this situation?

It must be said that the development of personal space by a child is associated with conflict, usually with the closest child older or younger. And it is always a difficult combination. This one is very close friends with this one now, but they are in conflict with this one, and six months later, on the contrary, he is always in a quarrel with this one. And this is not solved by shouting. That is, one bullies the other and does not hear any arguments at all. But an extreme measure, when, firstly, we punish, put in a corner. But if the conflict becomes very heated, then you just need to quickly take both to the holy corner and start singing “To the King of Heaven”, for example. This is how you can do it. And explain, explain, explain... Well, you see, these conflicts do not occur because they do not understand, that is, they can tell you everything that you explain to them. And because they cannot cope with it yet, they assert themselves so much. And sometimes it even comes to fights, yes. We have to separate and punish. It’s hard for a parent to watch this, how his children quarrel, of course.

Children and obscene vocabulary - how to wean?

Here the children go to school, communicate with their peers. And at school, mat, swear words. How do you warn your children not to use such vocabulary?

Of course yes. What is the Christian spiritual life? You have two main directions. The first is protective: your lamp is burning, and you are protecting it from the wind. Second: you must add oil, add firewood to the fire. That is, you must feed them. real life. You must pray with them, of course. By the way, I didn't say that. This is the most important thing - joint prayer with your wife and children. This is very important, because in this the house church is realized. Morning is hard, because everyone gets up at different times, evening is a must, let it be shortened so that the kids can stand it. But you come together, and you are the church. This is fundamentally important, and, of course, you fight, you talk. I remember when the first child was a year old, I was amazed that you say something to him, and he is like this: “U!” He still cannot speak, but he is already rebelling: “U!” I came to my confessor, he was still alive then, the wonderful Archimandrite of Lavra, he said: “What did you want? You studied theology in the seminary, you remember original sin, here it works!” After all, sin does act, indeed, nature is amazed. And you see in your child: you put everything good into him, and in him both the good and the bad flourish. And your task as a parent is that you constantly struggle with this, you explained to the elder that you can’t swear, and now you explain to the younger.

But, of course, it is also important, this is such a hackneyed truth, but completely obvious, it cannot be repeated: in order for children not to quarrel, it is necessary that dad and mom do not quarrel, that is, an example. If the father and mother bypass conflicts, then the children also learn this, although not immediately, although this adult nature wanders in them for a long time, it begins to sour in them, you understand. And they do not control themselves, and they are all so clumsy, and in a moral sense too.

In this fight you often lose because sin is at work

Well, in general, it is interesting that in their transitional age they really do not like to hug, but in childhood they love it very much. I'll tell you about it, for sure. A small child feels the love of parents tactilely. That is small child you must definitely squeeze, kiss, put on your knees, buzz, whatever you want to call it. I'm coming from the temple, and two younger sons, followed by a daughter: “Dad, let’s go buzzing?” They need to get enough, you know, like an elk - it comes out of the forest, the salt is on the feeder. Here he is licking her, he needs to drink salt, you understand. They need the warmth of strong parental hands, you know. And he goes on completely healthy, five minutes have passed. They definitely need it. Then he is very shy about it. But it still remains the most effective way. That is, if he is in rebellion, you come up, hug him, he breaks out at first and in every possible way shows that he is disgusted with it now. But you look in the mirror, and he smiles, that is, it is fundamentally important: no matter what happens to him, he must remember that he is loved. He is loved, he is important, he is needed, here he is as he is, so clumsy, pimply at this age. But it's still a struggle all the time, of course. In this fight you often lose because sin is at work, because you are a first time parent. Well, this is the 8th time I am a parent, and some things ... Here we punished the elders more, and punished them with a belt.

I remember one Moscow archpriest, very elderly, I was a seminarian, I came to his house. And he told me - and he traditional family Orthodox, where faith did not stop in Soviet times, he said: “What do you think, we had three belts hanging in the hallway: a black one for Lenten days, a red one for a holiday, and a brown one for weekdays.” That's the difference, you see. Absolutely wonderful person, amazing, grew up, and there are 9 people in the family. And now even the elder: “Dad, why don’t you punish?” But somehow learned, experience comes. We learned because we still don't want to. If you can do without corporal punishment, it is better to do without it, of course. We were young, we didn’t know how, we had to. And now we do without it. But we also learn, nevertheless, we must fight: he was rude, he must sometimes get hit on the lips for this, you can’t say that to your mother.

Here, I had such an episode in my childhood, when my father and mother raised us very strictly in relation to adults. If an adult, it is always a first name and patronymic. And suddenly my father's acquaintance, an artist who had no children of his own, appeared and said: “Come on, why are you talking to me”? Yes, what are you, Boris Petrovich, let's just Boris. Me: Boris. Responds. Then I, like dad: “Borya!” - responds. I told him: “Borka?”, I said something else to him, something so impudent, and then I was 7 or 6 years old. He looked at me, as I remember, and, apparently, he doesn’t want to do this, and he tore my ears off. And I was hurt, I cried. But I felt so good. These are mixed feelings, which only later figured out, you know. I was put in my place, and my picture of the world was restored, where an adult is an authority. This authority is based on the veneration of parents, as one of the foundations of human existence. Now, everything fell into place, and I felt much better.

By the way, you know, it happens. This is how a child, forgive me for such a word, rages directly, he will be punished, and after that he smiles and laughs. That is, he will cry for three minutes, stand in the corner for 10 minutes, ask for forgiveness, and he is again joyful and happy, and before that he walked, was discouraged, he was completely ill. That is, he needs to be placed in these frames until he himself can be in them. Here they quarrel, fight. Especially when they began to practice sambo, the fights began with throws, serious ones.

How to punish children?

- How can and how not to punish children? Can I use a belt, spank and so on?

Sometimes it's necessary. Children are all different. There are children to whom you will tell, and they carry out. They have different periods. Conscious rudeness should be punished severely. If the word does not stop, then my wife can give a child a slap in the face, although he is one and a half heads taller than her. And this also happens. And this is good, because after all, we have the words in Holy Scripture: The Lord is like a father, whom he loves, he punishes(2 Chr. 16:12-13). Remember the quote from Jesus the son of Sirach: a father who gives rest to his rods hates his son (cf. Pr. 29:17). After all, he does not say about the wrong pedagogical concept, that the father is mistaken. And it's not even said that he loves wrong. It says "hates". Why? Because he lets evil grow in his soul. What is this, love? You see, there is such a situation when it is necessary to punish. And then, when they tore me by the ears, I was grateful to that person. I needed it. And so, to punish - to put in a corner, to deprive something. Now, if he plays strategy once a week, then for him this is a strong punishment - to deprive him of this.

How to motivate to work, to study?

- How to motivate a child to work, to study? Let's say a 19-year-old son leaves the institute. What to do?

It seems to me that it is necessary to accustom to work earlier. That is, this is a problem that has not been resolved in a timely manner. I can say, I repeat, that there should be a section of general work that no one will do for him, except only if he is sick. And now everyone does not get off of him, and he must do it. Then this mechanism is formed, so I will return to this formula, the goalkeeper's formula - the mechanism of responsibility. I'm in charge of this space, so there's no naked here, you know. Nobody else answers. They ask me all the time. I come to the institute, the space is changing, but the principle is already working in me, that is, the mechanism is already there. I learned to be responsible for a certain segment. It's not difficult, you yourself keep track: something new has appeared, you've cleared the table.

This needs to be set up first. Although children are also very different. And, of course, the absent-mindedness of modern children is very connected with gadgets, with social networks ... If you allow a child to sit a lot, he will be happy if he is given a big one, good smartphone. He will be absolutely happy, but it will be a very harmful gift. That is, you gave your child a smartphone, and after 3 months ... My sister is a teacher with great experience, she says: “I can accurately determine which of the children started playing the computer. A month later - there was a five, it became a three or a four with a minus. Attention is simply scattered, he cannot concentrate, he is somewhere there. That is, of course, those games that we played in childhood - firstly, we went out into the yard, we learned to play football or something else, dodgeball. You learn to play with other children, to interact. Well, when you build with blocks, Lego is a perfect game, it teaches you how to work. Now, if there is an opportunity, then Lego is wonderful. It teaches you to think, because a thought is a construction, and this is visually expressed in these cubes. At 19, it's too late to teach.

Should I send my child to an Orthodox gymnasium?

Is there any obvious benefit in sending a child to an Orthodox gymnasium, where he will study the Law of God and receive a full-fledged Christian upbringing?

I adhere to the point of view that if it is possible to teach a child in an Orthodox gymnasium, then it is better to teach in an Orthodox one. Firstly, there is a great hope that he will have like-minded people in faith, friends for the rest of his life. Unfortunately, this almost never happens in churches, because in Sunday schools our task is to convey certain knowledge to the child, and not to create conditions for children to make friends with each other. And this is the misfortune of our modern Sunday schools, a very big loss.

Indeed, you are right, the child goes to college or to work, already a boy or a girl. And then my son came to the Institute of Geological Exploration, he said: “Dad, bulls, beer, slaughter, sometimes syringes.” And I couldn't make friends with anyone there. Of course, it was very difficult for him, because there was no one to rely on. Now, if he is with them, will he have enough strength to resist when everyone is gathering. He comes, sorry for the details, everyone is fornicating. In general, for this they gather in the evening. Will he be strong enough to resist? And a young man cannot but be friends, you all understand what friends of youth are. This is half of the soul. Thank God, I have all the guys friends in the temple. These are the summer camps, and we go on kayak trips every summer specifically for this, this is the main goal. So he and all my children have someone to rely on among believers. Where can you find such people? At school, this is the first.

Second - after all, the godless world, atheistic or secular, indifferent, will surround your child for the rest of his life. Still, people who are not churched, let's say, not final Christians - the majority are around us. And he still sips it anyway. And this is where the foundation of the world will be in his soul when there are believing people around. And then, despite the fact that they say: well, they graduated from an Orthodox gymnasium, and they left, they stopped taking communion ... Children sometimes say that there was such hypocrisy there that I don’t want to go to church anymore ... But it’s all the same personal choice. Still, there are fewer temptations in an Orthodox gymnasium than in an ordinary school. There are fewer children who smoke, there are fewer students whoring in high school, there is less swearing, there is a more correct community of people. Whether he stays in the Church or not, he will still decide for himself. This is a conscious choice of your child, this is something that you will not do for him. Even the Lord cannot make this choice for him.

We know saints who had bad children, such as Samuel the prophet. God spoke to him, it is known from the Bible, He revealed His will to the whole people through him. What was he, a bad father, or something? No, but the children grew up completely useless. Here, Adam has one Cain, another Abel. One lived as a saint, the other a murderer, damned. Therefore, the child will decide for himself, but based on what will he decide? Let him learn by experience what a believing community of people is.

You know, here's an example: we go on these kayaking trips. My children are all eager to go there from the arrival, you understand. This year we went, believe it or not, 67 people on 27 kayaks. This is a flotilla. Not a single idiot walks like that, only Father Fyodor. Everyone laughs when they hear it. But you can’t refuse anyone, they have already grown up, but they take vacations for this time. Why? Trying to understand why. Because friends, songs around the campfire and so on, because joint prayer. A young man, a girl, a teenager - this is important for them, they find themselves in the right space. There is joint prayer, joint cooking, everyone helps each other, there are people who are trying to live according to the laws of the Gospel with each other. This is a week and a half, but this is an experience, you understand, which they then wait for a year.

And now, in an Orthodox gymnasium, they get this experience. Of course, there are intrigues, there are gossips, everything is there, but still, if there is a group of believers who have been churched for a long time, then there will be no such gossip, there will be no such set-ups, underhands and other things. Still, these are people who have the skill to fight their passions, at least they declare it. Of course, it is more useful for them to live in this community, this is an experience. They'll taste what Christian cohabitation is, taste. That's what's important. Maybe they will leave. Maybe you won't even live to see them return to the Church. Do you know how many people are dropping out of our Sunday Schools? These are colossal numbers, there are more than half, 70 percent of the children who have completed the Sunday school course of the modern Orthodox Church, are leaving church life. And then a significant part returns.

I remember such an episode: I come to the temple, there will be a service soon, I come in the evening for 40 minutes. A young woman is sitting, her eyes moist. What is it that can help? And here she is: as a child, she was taken to the temple, in the early 1990s there was Sunday School, as she recalls, there was another good, kind priest who had already gone into the world. Then she was twisted, she left the Church, she fell into all serious sins, she led a completely wild life. And so she walked down the street, an unfamiliar temple, it turned out, the Lord brought to ours. And she says: "I went in, and I want to come back." She returned, she confessed, she has been leading the church life since then, for more than 10 years, 7 years. And for 15 years she had a break. But here is the experience of Christian cohabitation, you understand, it remains. She ate another, but she wants the real one. And if she would not try what the church life is, then between what and what she should choose, you understand. Still, I am a supporter of the fact that if possible, go to an Orthodox school or gymnasium.

How can a girl cultivate meekness in herself?

- How Orthodox girl cultivate meekness?

I don't know, haven't tried it. Need to think. Don't know. Well, first of all, you don't have to say right away when a thought comes to mind. First you need to be quiet. We very often regret what we said in a hurry. But meekness, I must say, is a forgotten, trampled virtue, which is considered to be gone from our lives, but which in fact is a huge human strength. A meek person is a very strong person. This is confident in God, not in himself - in God, very strong, who does not offend anyone who is ready to humble himself. It's huge life path Christian - to become a meek person. Moreover, meekness is now the least understood virtue.

Well, keep quiet, maybe you'll pass for meek, so to speak. If there is no virtue in me, how is it acquired? I do the deeds of this virtue, and gradually it penetrates me, inside. Similarly, here, let's say I have no mercy for this person in my heart, but my mind knows that I must help him. I do it by force of will, not by the movement of my heart. I do it once, twice, 10, 20, and the Lord plants this virtue in my heart. This is a well-known mechanism: do things, and this virtue will wake up in you, and therefore imitate the meek, behave as if you were meek, and, probably, this will wake up in you.

Advise how you can help the child of your loved ones who are not churched.

- How can you help a nephew and godson whose parents are far from God?

Difficult, very difficult. I'm in this situation too. I have a very large number of classmates at school, when I became a priest, they asked me to become the godfather of their children, I could not refuse, because they are childhood friends. Despite all my persuasion, there was no church upbringing, no matter how much I called, no matter how much I asked, someone reacted, someone - there was no reaction at all. And this is my pain so far, and there is no way to influence it, no way.

But, on the other hand, I have an example of my godmother. My father was unbaptized, my mother was very far away, I grew up in childhood in a completely non-church family, absolutely far from this. And dad - he was an athlete, a sambo wrestler, and he was very homesick for his work, and he was very fond of transporting furniture to people just for free. Some kind of intelligent family, then drink tea, talk about literature, about art. And work at the same time physically. And then one day he was asked to transport one woman with her husband, in years. So they loaded the truck, moved into the house. Here he sees, there is a box, she disassembles the icons, first of all, she puts the icons.

Are you a believer?

But, you know, now we would like to baptize our daughter and son. You won't be a godmother?

The godmother says: "Fine, but you must promise me that you will not interfere with my duties." And dad, not understanding what it was about, agreed. And the godmother undertook us very strictly: “So, on the next Sunday, we don’t feed Fedya, Anya in the morning, I take them to the church to take communion.” And this is flour, I remember, I want to sleep early in the morning, but she takes it in the morning ... It's dark, the metro, Botanical Garden, back hurts, nothing is clear. And here is the Chalice. I now understand that this is the Great Entrance. They said something and took it away. Wait, where are you? It's time to take communion, that's it, it's already impossible. Then, then, we go out, she pours us tea from a thermos, takes out sandwiches. And so 3-4 times a year. Behold, but the seed has been sown.

Then she got a prayer book somewhere, it's incredibly perfect. This is a 1978 edition, paperback. She lived on the 2nd floor of our house. “Here is the King of Heaven”, “Theotokos” and “Our Father”, read every day, Fedya,” came a month later. And she taught literature in Gnesinka. Teacher.

So, Fedya, are you reading?

Yes, I read.

You're lying! If you had read, the cover would have been wrinkled.

Dad brought him to listen to the choir, and the child believed

Then, we must not forget that a person's choice is made both in one direction and in the other. Here is an example before my eyes. One priest, my friend, my age, he grew up in Soviet times. And my father was a terrible cynic and an atheist. The mother was an elite translator for someone in the Central Committee, and for him and her, the fact that the child went to church was completely across the career. My mother traveled abroad all the time and brought records, and my father had very good equipment and an unimaginable collection of records of operatic choral singing at that time, in which he was very well versed and loved. And in order to show the child how good the choral group sounds in an authentic setting, he took his son to Ordynka, where the Sveshnikov choir, in my opinion, sang, if I'm not mistaken. It was a rare case when the choir toured, and performed, and sang in the service, and the authorities tolerated this. And the child was 12 years old. Dad brought him there to listen, and the child believed. He was beaten, he was locked up, from the 3rd floor, having tied sheets to the radiators, he ran to the services. He was directly beaten by his father for this. And then he became a priest, in spite of everything, because the grace of God touched him, he believed.

Therefore, you come: here is the Gospel for you, let's read it. Here, that means something. Take some passage. I need 15 minutes to talk with my godson, well, 20. Everyone left, then we talked. That's it, the seed fell, and then it's his life. He can hear the Gospel every day and grow up as a nobody, an unbeliever in the sense, or he can hear and say: “Here, this is the most important thing for me.” Therefore, there is still a field of his choice. This is your work, and prayer, of course, for him.

Should foster children know they are not biological? And how is parenting different from stepfather or stepmother parenting?

Should foster children know they are adopted? And the second question: are families where there is a stepfather or stepmother somehow different from families where both parents are relatives?

I have no adopted children, therefore, so to speak, from someone else's practice. If there is a possibility that the child does not know that he is adopted, then it is better not to know. Unfortunately, in foster families, the risk is even greater, because the heredity of the father and mother is transmitted. You can take a very nice boy, curly-haired, blue-eyed, and then he will grow up. And we have such examples in our parish. Here the girl has grown. There, his own son died, the husband and wife adopted the girl, invested in her completely, but she knew that she was from an orphanage. And something is very difficult, she left, she earns some money herself, lives with one of her friends. Lives very badly in the moral sense, so dirty. They moan, cry, they can't do anything about it.

The task of the family is to raise a child in a space permeated with love.

But you know what adopted child? He was betrayed, once he was betrayed. He grows up without love at all, he does not understand at all what it is family love. And the main task of the family is to raise a child, to warm him for life in a space warmed by love, saturated, permeated with love. Now, if a child acquires this experience in some form, even incompletely, but he sees how it happens, if he wishes, he will be able to realize this in his future family and his future life. That is, you give him an example, therefore, if there are no children of your own, and there is an opportunity to adopt, it is necessary to adopt. It's... it wasn't like that in the time of Christ, was it? He says the parable of the Last Judgment: "They fed, watered, visited ...". I think if we continue this parable now, then “adopted” would also be necessary. They adopted one of the little ones, they adopted Me. I guess. Because of course you are giving a lot of love to the person. And it will definitely come back to you, maybe not immediately, maybe over time.

I know one family where a child, thanks to very evil relatives, found out that he was adopted. Found own father, it was very hard for him, it was very hard for everyone during this period. He rushed to his father, opposing himself to those who raised him. And then he overestimated everything, met with his father. He realized that his father could not give him anything, and he returned, you know, with even greater tenderness he loves his foster parents. He appreciated what these people did for him, he realized that he could grow up, like with that man, without everything. He knows that it is not his flesh and blood, but he comforts them. And they are very grateful to him for what he is now.

You are sent such people, loving whom you grow

And the second question was, sorry? In general, it is a very interesting fact that the patristic family is a school of love. In our country, all the holy fathers are monastics. But nevertheless, most of them said that the family is a school of love. This is the place where the Lord places you so that you can change in order to get into the Kingdom of God, because this is the Kingdom of love, and here you are taught. How to teach love, you know how? You are sent such people, loving whom you grow. Well, the simplest example: you married a girl, you fell in love with her, and she has a lot of relatives, it turns out that you also need to love them, you need to build relationships with them. Not just - Maria Ivanovna, thank you. No. And you must love this mother-in-law. And there is a lot of this, and, indeed, people become native. This is a very difficult task.

Here is my wife's grandmother, she is a noblewoman, and I am a plebeian. And it was very strong in the beginning. For her, it was essential. Here she kept the family things. In Soviet times, this was some kind of point of opposition to the system. Many repressed, this memory. Here he appeared, took his beloved granddaughter. It was very tense. And then, over time - she passed away not so long ago - they really became native people. But it was difficult task, I will tell you. They call you a sycophant, and you must remain silent. All the same, his wife loves her, you know. You cannot, without hurting your wife, be at enmity with the one she loves. You can not. You cannot, while loving your wife, not love those who raised her, this enters into a contradiction, therefore the family is the school of love. Both stepfather and stepmother are also the task of God, you understand. Here, indeed, a man met a woman, okay, with a child, I'll take it. Well, something he runs around there, swarms around. And this is a person, and he knows that you are not native dad. And it is very difficult for you to build a relationship with him, and you solve this problem if you are a Christian. And it's hard for him. There is a saying - not the father who gave birth, but the one who raised. Indeed, it may be more difficult for these people, but then it all comes back.

If a family is a school of love, what about families that have broken up?

- If a family is a school of love, what about families that have broken up? What advice do you have for dads and moms?

You know, I can ask you a similar question. How to play football if your legs are broken? Here, a tragedy has occurred, and there will be no normal. Everything can not be great, good and right with a broken family. It's just a matter of minimizing negative consequences. Some ways are small. That is, include the child where he meets the behavioral scenario of a normal adult generous man, where he sees such a person so that he can then copy him. And how to saturate him with love, if dad and mom don’t love each other, it’s almost impossible already.

I remember the divorce of my parents: here you have the Universe, here it is split in half. Here is such a crack in your whole world. And this happens because the children do not care when we get divorced. People love themselves, first of all, I don’t want to change. Here I have one friend, his wife became pregnant:

She became so ugly. I really can't look at her.

Surely you didn't tell her about it?

Of course he did.

That's an idiot, you know. So the family broke up. That is, a person simply lives by himself, children, not children. It's a tragedy, it's terrible. Now I was talking to a woman alone, she came to our temple, crying. Her son got married, they had a child, and the daughter-in-law left. I took the child and left. Lives separately, looking for the best party. She did not go to someone, she just left. He languishes, he cannot. He needs a child every day, she does not give. You see, such a monstrous selfishness, what is there to advise? Only pray. Well, no recipes, no. To minimize losses - here a person falls on the asphalt, you need to take care of your head so that at least there is no concussion.

What if a girl needs the image of a father?

- You said about the image of the father in sports. If this is a girl, then how to be in this case?

Don't even know. I gave my daughter to do SAMBO, but I'm still there, thank God. But it affected the character. She told the boys in the class that there was no need to swear. They began to mock her. She made one painful one, no one else cursed for a long time, at least with her.

I don't know, I'm here. After all, you see, for a girl it is not the example of the father that is important, but the example of the coexistence of the father and mother. Here is this tenderness, affection, love. How they listen to each other, how they look at each other, how mother solves problems and how she knows how to remain the second in the family. This is not being transmitted. After all, when dad leaves, a woman has to play the role of both a man and a woman, and you can’t get away from it. We have to resolve issues. Which school to give, mugs, money. Dad comes twice a week, took me to McDonald's, gave me a tablet, and it's gone. And a number of questions have not gone away, they remain. And mom is numb to it. Her character changes, and she looks at her son and daughter in a completely different way. And the daughter does not see how mom obeys dad. How can it be. Maybe I just didn't think about it, didn't formulate the answer to your question. Thank you very much for it. Maybe try to make the girl friends with the family, where there is a good relationship between mom and dad. We are again talking about a behavioral scenario.

A young priest at the beginning of the journey should definitely see a pious elderly priest. And at least a little bit, just a little bit to serve with him and live a parish life. And then he will come back and copy. It's the same principle. Because the girl is getting married, and her mother never obeyed anyone, she commanded her mother too. And at work, I had to achieve something in order to support my family. And how to obey the husband if the husband insists on something. And he, too, was raised by the same mother, he is also a creepy egoist. He also does not know how to exercise power without pride, with humility.

Here is a simple example from another area. Here is Alexander Vasilyevich Suvorov. Everyone knows, and the whole army knew that here he was walking with the generals before the battles from bivouac to bivouac, soldiers were sitting, burning a fire. He comes up and says: “Brothers, what do you think, how to attack, how to defend?” Everyone is giving advice. The soldier asks the field marshal. And everyone knows that if he hears the case, he will say to the generals: here, this one is right, we will do this tomorrow. And the whole army knows that he needs to do the right thing, and not in his own way, and therefore they all obey and respect him. Where can I get this example?

But maybe, really, girl, it’s important for them to stay overnight with friends on the weekends. Here they are waiting for all this, children. Maybe try to find a parochial family with normal relations between parents. And so that she looked, visited. Maybe something like that.

Separation from parents - through willfulness?

You mentioned original sin. And if you project this situation onto a child? He realizes himself as a person, separating himself from his mother. It turns out that in order to realize himself as a person, he needs to act against the will of the parent?

He needs to show his will, at a transitional age he associates this with opposing the will of his parents, yes. This is his mistake, over time he will understand that he needs to do the right thing, but he needs to grow up. You know, we had such a case at the parish, the husband yelled at his wife so pious, believing, he pounded the table with his fist so much that he broke his arm. However, you can decide in a different way. But really, the child needs to learn. He will pass this transitional age. You see, he loves both his father and mother, they are dear to him. And he himself feels bad because he quarrels with them. He then does not find a place for himself, he asks for forgiveness, he develops this skill. He gets relief from it. And if you have this connection with him, then he will calmly come to the fact that again - like sound and smell. But it is also important that parents respect the will of the child, and that he knows that they are ready to listen to him.

We have two tasks, they may sound like opposites: the first - he must learn to live without us, the second - he must learn to do the right thing. When teaching the right actions, he should break as little firewood as possible so as not to cross out his future life. They enter into contradictions, these tasks. He needs to be given, especially to a boy, more and more of some kind of space for which he is responsible himself, for some kind of decision. And this is also a process of education. You say: “This is what you will decide for yourself. Do you want this? Now, do you want to do art or music? Or do you want to go to the carpentry? You see that he likes this more than music, so he should go for it. Maybe this is really his way.