Is there life after breaking up. How to live after a breakup. Ways to deal with heartache after a long relationship

18.04.2019

Question to the psychologist:

Good day! 2 weeks ago I broke up with a guy whom I loved very much and I just can't set myself up for new life... I already have experience family life behind shoulders and divorce, two children. After the divorce, I didn't even think about starting serious relationship... But it so happened that I fell in love. Our relationship began, in principle, abnormally, apparently because of my love, I closed my eyes to all. We met at the establishment, gave me a lift, he immediately inspired me with some kind of confidence or something, reliability, a little bit began to communicate on the phone. After a while, I met him again in the same institution, approached himself, then drove him home and somehow everything happened by itself, was drawn to him just with some kind of incomprehensible force. Began to meet so to speak "for health" almost every day. Then I left for a week and our communication became a little strange, when I returned back, the meetings continued, but it turns out that he saw other girls in parallel, saw him several times in the same institution, so he pretended once that he did not know me, said, that has not yet walked up. It hurt and hurt. After that, I decided to break off any connection with him at all and told him about it. But then suddenly he came, began to ask for forgiveness and say that he had made up his mind and wanted to be with me. Forgiven. Our relationship moved to another level ... It's also pretty strange ... He spent the night with me every night, but at the same time he never said where he was and what he was doing, he always answered "I'm on business." At one point he told me we were scattering and left. I was very worried, did not eat, did not drink, and when I calmed down and spat, I started attacking me with SMS messages, asking for a meeting. He came and began to repent that he realized everything, during these days he yearned for me, realized that he could not live without me. Of course I’m a fool that I forgave him so immediately, but apparently at that time the feelings for him had not yet died out. And so we began to live together, I think everyone has mistakes, I will forgive and forget. Introduced me to relatives, found mutual language with children and everything seems to be fine, but ... Total control began, that is, I had to report on the phone that I went to the store, came - immediately wrote or called, informed him not a step out of the house, stopped communicating with everyone, about some kind of men, I generally keep quiet, with social. Networks said to leave, jealousy constantly and for no reason ... I thought that a person before me might have had a sick relationship, I think now he will believe, he will see that I am normal, faithful and not walking around. But the more I adjusted to it, the more stringent the requirements were. And now, three months later, he beat me for the first time, pulled me away normally, it just seemed to him on the basis of his constant jealousy, although there was not a single reason for this. I was shocked ... He asked for forgiveness for a long time, said that this would not happen. But a month later everything happened again, after that everything was the same. And I myself did not understand how it began to repeat itself almost every day, his bullying became more and more terrible, endless suspicions of some kind of non-existent betrayal, although I am not a walking person at all, and even more so I was under him total control... And this is not all, he began to say that I pester my own children, it’s just to come up with something like that !!! And there was a lot more that was terrible. I was already afraid of him, I drove him many times, but he begged for forgiveness, and I forgave. The children, of course, saw all this, since then he was no longer ashamed to do all this in their presence. He constantly dreamed of something, this horror ... They tried to disperse, but after a week he came and I accepted. Why didn’t it go straight away ??? Because she believed that he would change, they constantly had conversations that this was impossible, and he was not always like that, he was good side medals for which I forgave him. Over time, he calmed down a little, but in moments of anger, and he started up half a turn, he was terrible. He dragged me across the floor by the hair to the bathroom and there he could scoff and beat me for hours, I cried and this annoyed him even more. Several times I lost consciousness from suffocation, there were bruises and abrasions. She kicked him out, hated him, realized that when she would just kill him. Quarrels became more and more frequent, tore my clothes, constantly monitored my phone, all my attempts to change it were unsuccessful. And when we now parted, I understand with my head that this is for the better and it is unlikely that this person will change at all, at least with someone, although he convinced me that it was only with me that he was like that. I understand that most likely these legs "grow" from childhood, as his parents often "kissed" him, mom walked, and dad beat his mother and him too, which is why he went to live with his grandmother. But he denies and says that it’s all because of me, I don’t give him confidence, I don’t know what I should have done, only if I locked myself at home and didn’t go out ... Now I realized that I was most likely a victim domestic violence, he completely subjugated me and mocked me as he wanted. Now I do not know how to start living from a new leaf, because for three years we have suffered so much. I'm on my own the strong man, but now for some reason I feel bitterness and resentment, then I want to return him, then I hate, then take revenge ... In 2 weeks I lost 8 kg, I can not sleep normally, I can not enter my usual lifestyle before him, where there was scandals and knew how to rejoice in children, life .... Help me to cope with this, please, and not to return from melancholy to the old ruinous relationship!

The question is answered by psychologist Kondaurova Ksenia Vadimovna.

Hello dear Olga. I was very offended and hurt for you when I read your story. No one should experience what you have experienced. Moreover, from a loved one. But all the worst is behind you, you are safe, your children are safe. Exhale slowly and try to relax. I will try to help you as much as possible in the mode of Internet correspondence.

Let's start from the very beginning. Right after your divorce, you didn't think you would start a serious relationship. Does this mean that the divorce was difficult for you and the marriage was also quite difficult? It often happens that we rush into a new relationship as if into a whirlpool with our heads, not figuring out how it should be in a partner in order to forget the pain of the past. To make up for the lack of something very important in our life. To feel alive again And this is how we, without knowing it ourselves, find ourselves in love addiction, which, although similar to love, but essentially has nothing to do with love.

Your relationship started wrong, you rightly pointed out. Initially, he was the first violin in your relationship, there was no talk of any partnership. He left and came when he wanted, and when you wanted to break off the relationship, he played the card "I need you, forgive me." It was he who regulated the distance at which you are from each other. That pushed you away, then called back.

And then the causeless jealousy began. Perhaps you saw in this concern for you and unwillingness to share you with anyone, as proof of his feelings. I assure you, he was not at all jealous. He knew that you are not cheating. For him, it was a way to establish control and sever your ties with society, so that you belong only to him. Possessiveness pure water... But after all, a person cannot be someone's property, he is not an object, not a thing. Olga, unfortunately, your beloved was a psychopath. And you have indeed become a victim of domestic violence. Read about the "circle of violence", I think many things will seem familiar to you. For example, the period " honeymoon"after the reconciliation, which became shorter and shorter each time.

Very often, rapists use the tactic of "gaslighting" when the victim is presented as guilty. She is told that this is the only person with her, that if she changed, the problem would go away. And yet, that she is not adequate, since she reacts so sharply to everything and in general she is almost crazy. Black is exhibited in white, white - in black and it seems that "if I could only convey to him, if he understood how painful / insulting / bad I am, he would stop behaving this way." And, since psychopaths are very subtle manipulators (this is their way of being in this world, because they are not able to build an honest and open dialogue with another person), the victim begins to believe them. Thinks that the problem is in her, that she misunderstands everything and that one day she will be able to find the right words... But the situation will not change, since the problem is not the victim. The problem of violence is always in the abuser. He commits an active and violent action towards another person.

Olga, now you are in pain not only because the person with whom you were once in love has left. You are sorry for the time spent, sorry that you have experienced so much pain, so much energy invested in this relationship and everything is in vain. You feel sorry for your dashed hopes and dreams. And the fact that it was all in vain. I understand how painful it is for you to realize all this.

But you are alive, everything is behind you. You have no future with this person, but you may have a happy future with another. And for this, the most important thing is to understand why you ended up in this relationship. Why, in fact initial stage relations, when the tyrant had just "tasted the water" and probed your personal boundaries for integrity, did you decide that you can be treated like that? For what is so valuable you took his behavior and this relationship? After all, this is exactly what you were missing and missing now. It is best to work through these questions with a therapist.

I recommend that you make a list of the good things that have gone from your life with the passing of this person. For example: "feeling needed", "feeling not alone", etc. And then think about how else you can get it. Without this person. Or maybe outside the context of a relationship with a man in general. Do you have children. Surely, they give you a lot of tenderness and love.

Then write him a letter. But you don't need to send it. Just write to him everything that is boiling in you now. Express all feelings on paper, it will become easier for you. Tear it apart later, if the desire arises.

And then forgive yourself for being such a strong woman, you found yourself in similar relationship... You just wanted love, is that a crime? Yes, you are mistaken, confused him with someone else: decent and worthy of you. It happens. But, thanks to this situation, those of yours became visible. problem areas, having worked which, you can find a worthy partner, if you want it. And if this person had not met on your life path, then these problem areas would remain blind spots and there would be practically no chance to solve problems that are not visible.

But the emptiness can and should be filled and only you can decide what. You are still young, the best is ahead and big half Of your life. Do you have children. You have already completed the "maximum" plan for most women. Do not cripple their psyche, do not force them to see their mother's suffering anymore. The pain will go away and one day you will look back and will not believe that it was with you.

Happy to you, Olga and all the best! I will be glad to know how you are doing, you can ask any questions.

5 Rating 5.00 (5 Votes)

Has your man left you? This happens quite often and many had to endure the despair and resentment that accompany such a separation. In my head it constantly sounds, as if on a broken tape recorder: “For what? Why? .. ”Today we will try to at least somehow help you in this situation and tell you what to do in order for such a crisis to pass as soon as possible.

Probably, every woman at least once in her life faced such a nuisance as parting with a loved one. And this is really a very, very difficult test even for the most strong woman... And the only question that arises in a woman's head during this period is how to survive after parting with a loved one? From the outside, this question may seem absolutely delusional. But those who have experienced this pain for themselves will understand the urgency of this problem.

Indeed, in fact, the life of a woman after breaking up with a loved one practically stops for some time. Interest is lost literally to everything - to work, to your hobbies, to children, if any, to your outward appearance, in the end to food. Fortunately, in most cases this negative period lasts not so long - two or three weeks, after which the woman begins to slowly come to her senses. But, alas, this is not always the case - some of the fair sex do not manage to pull themselves together for a very long time. And this already threatens real problems- for example, prolonged depression.

In no case should this be allowed - you need to start acting. Popular wisdom says that tears cannot help grief. And this is indeed the case, unfortunately or fortunately. Therefore, wipe away your tears, throw out your handkerchiefs and forward to a brighter future. Of course, no one requires you to sing songs and give your radiant smiles in the very first days after the breakup.

Do you want to cry? Cry! Do you want to smash all the dishes in the house? To your health, then buy a new one. Does your soul demand to cut to shreds all the things that remind you of your ex? Scissors to help you! Psychologists call this condition an outburst of negative emotions. And this - the most important stage on the way to recovery, which means that it is necessary to go through it. Yes, and it will become much easier for you, you'll see!

Realize what happened

The first few days after parting, a woman cannot realize what happened. In psychology, this phenomenon is called the "period of denial." No, with her brains, a woman perfectly understands what happened, but on emotional level refuses to believe it. And until she believes, she will not be able to break out of this emotional state.

Are you overwhelmed? Now sit down, stop crying for at least a minute and tell yourself the following - you, or rather, with you, broke off relations. The breakup of any relationship is almost always tolerated with difficulty, and two partners in a pair at once. And despite the fact that it was your ex-man who broke up the relationship, it is hardly easier for him now than for you. Oddly enough, but for most women, this malevolent thought warms the soul. And it’s true - you’re not the only one to suffer? You have to accept this kind of situation from this point of view.

Your subconscious mind refuses to believe in what is happening and no exhortations and attempts common sense do not help to reach you? Well, we'll have to act more dramatically. First, remove from prominent places all the things that remind you of your ex-man. All the same folk wisdom says that out of sight - out of mind. If your hand does not rise up to throw everything away, then at least collect everything in one box and put it away.

Of course, in the event that your husband left you, it will not be easy to do this - you cannot stuff the whole apartment into a closet. But a way out can be found in this situation too - to go to my mother for a couple of days or even go to some holiday home. By the way, at the same time, change the situation, which will also only benefit you, mind you.

Do not have illusions

Psychologists say that the most difficult time immediately after the break are the first six weeks. It is important that this time period can be significantly reduced only if you firmly decide for yourself that this is the real end. Understand - let him go! Let it be not your fault, but only his decision. Don't hold back your tears. Cry your fill, but do not forget to repeat to yourself a thousand times: “Yes, he's gone! He's gone forever! " And now, uttered for the thousand first time, this phrase will cease to dominate you at once.

And with this, as a rule, very serious problems- almost every woman is very long time hopes that the man will change his mind and will definitely return to her, realizing what he has lost. And as long as a woman thinks about this, and not about how to start a new life after parting, she will not be able to get rid of mental anguish.

Pay attention to this! This understanding of the current situation is quite important. Therefore, if you cope and understand that this is really the end, then it will already cost a lot. Consider this the first victory, the first battle won in a war in your name. Transform into a strong personality - a woman who knows how to cope with difficulties. And parting for her is no more than another, completely removable problem. You can get back on your feet and continue on your way, no matter what happens.

And if you continue to wait for your prince to return, you will continue to wear down your already tortured psyche. Is it worth it? As practice shows, less than a third of all men return who broke off relations on their own initiative. In addition, it is very important to ask yourself one simple question - do you really need this return? And more importantly, answer it honestly. After all, you perfectly understand that a betrayer one day is likely to betray again. Are you ready to constantly live like on a powder keg?

How to reduce pain?

Do not forget that your main goal is the most painless way out of these failed relationship... First and foremost, you must maintain your individuality and respect for yourself. And if you yourself became the initiator, then, for sure, you do not want to suffer from remorse and want to forget about everything as soon as possible. If so, read on:

Diary

In the event that you have never been particularly talkative, and sharing your problems with someone is somehow not in your habits, then you should get The Diary... The diary is perhaps one of the best and most effective methods get rid of all kinds of grievances, sad memories and oppressive thoughts once and for all. You can easily get rid of the load of piled up problems.

Your diary is not only a wonderful listener and companion who is always with you in difficult minutes parting, but also a wonderful psychotherapist. In addition, a thought written on paper becomes clearer and clearer and easier to understand. As soon as you pour out all your grievances, offended and tormented, they will immediately turn into the past and go away from you. Emotions and experiences no longer dominate the soul and seem to release you to freedom. You seem to take off, and calmness, self-control and common sense return to you again.

Very often you can hear advice to burn everything written, thus trying to get rid of the negativity. But many psychologists say that you will throw out the negative on paper, and rereading about your current emotional state later, when everything is stabilized, will be not only very entertaining, but also useful. Just make sure that the diary does not fall into the wrong hands - there is no need for strangers to dig into your dirty laundry, right?

Openness

It's hard enough to be alone with your problems. Doing so will extend the recovery period from your breakup even longer. Do not withdraw into yourself. Tell about your problems as much as possible a large number surrounding people. Psychoanalysis refers to this approach as "the grief-dissipation method." Through enough short term you will feel sufficient lightness, as if a stone had fallen from your soul. Chat with your girlfriends. They will listen to you and suggest something.

Self talk

WITH smart person it's always nice to talk, isn't it? And besides, it's also very useful! Sit comfortably in front of a mirror. Then try to talk to yourself. Tell yourself about your problems. Psychologists say that this type of therapy is very successful in dealing with depression and stress.

By the way, while exercising in front of your mirror, end the session with a facial expression lesson. Make yourself a funny face, and your mood will immediately go uphill. Just try to convince yourself that the problem isn't worth a damn. And you will definitely cope with such a trifle.

Strengthen your body

Remember: our soul and mental condition directly related to our body. By exercising and exercising your body, you will be able to cope with other problems as well. Work until you "lose your pulse." It doesn't matter how you load yourself: you can do strength training, jogging, fitness or starting general cleaning with rearrangement of furniture in all rooms and general renovation.

No matter! The main thing is that you exercise physically. In some cases, it is helpful to shout loudly or cry out loud. The main task is to let off steam, to give negative emotions go out, do not accumulate within you, do not store them, otherwise they will gradually destroy you from the inside. And at night you will sleep much better - you simply will not have the strength to cry into your pillow.

Work! Work! Work!

Plunge into head work. It's simple magic method solutions to all problems. Parting with a loved one man will pass much faster and more invisible to you. By actively working, you will forget about your troubles and problems, get distracted from them. Yes, work has another invaluable plus - it is not only psychotherapy, but also a way to earn money, which means that you get a double benefit. And maybe a promotion.

Pamper yourself

Not only psychiatrists, but also other doctors are confident that regular exercise can help relieve stress. Better overdo yourself and go to a fitness club or gym. Don't forget about fresh air... Nature also has healing properties... Go for a walk in the park. Treat yourself! Re-read the book you love or look good movie... Pay attention to yourself.

Dress smartly, even if you don't want to go anywhere that evening. Just stay at home and make yourself what you love for dinner. Or go to your friends, take part in fun and noisy parties - this way you will distract yourself from sad thoughts. Your life should not stop and freeze. Events and changes must take place in it.

Meditation

Do you know that meditation is wonderful way with something to replace the never-drying rivers of tears. A meditative state, calm and relaxed, allows one to achieve serenity and clarity. During meditation, recovery occurs several times faster than even during sleep. And it doesn't matter that you haven't encountered this before - go to study, fortunately, there are a great many such centers.

Nutrition

is also an important point in the treatment of depression and depression. You should always eat right. Only in the cinema main character, after another parting, is saved by a ton of chocolate and a pood of marmalade. In life, it is better to give up spicy and sweet altogether if you want to quickly return to normal condition and forget about depression. All kinds of fruits and vegetables, mineral water and natural juices will help you and are simply necessary for get well soon... But if you want to prolong the life of your neurosis, then continue to eat kilograms of cakes, singing all this with red wine.

spring-cleaning

Throw out everything unnecessary from your house, even that which is in no way connected with your ex-man. Do you want to start a new life? Hence, it is necessary to part with any reminders of her. By the way, ideally it would be nice to make repairs and replace furniture at all. Of course, if your financial capabilities allow it.

Goals and achievements

You need to recover from the loss and take care of yourself. Make it your goal to return to a new life - a life without him. Try to remember who you were before him, what interested and excited you more than you would like to do, and what dreams you put off then. Today you have a rare and wonderful opportunity to express your personality by following your desires.

You should not dream of revenge - such a reaction will not give you the desired relief, but will only reopen old wounds. It should be understood that smart, strong and grown woman, personality and personality that can endure parting. And in general, it is enough to think about it and cry all the time!

Remember all the insults that he inflicted on you during your relationship with him, all the prohibitions. Now put on red Short dress, which has always been your favorite, and he forbade you to wear it, as it seemed to him vulgar. Call best friend, with whom he forbade you to communicate, because he said that it was stupid. And go for a walk and have fun at the club or wherever. Necessarily together with your best friends and girlfriends to whom he was jealous of you and with whom he forbade to communicate. Life is beautiful without him! She is even much better! So do not postpone the case and start your new one happy life!

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Parting with a loved one can be very painful. A person experiences a whole range of negative emotions: sadness, longing, despair, uncertainty about the future. The bitterness is intensified by what is violated habitual way life. If people were married or lived in civil marriage, parting dramatically changes life. Have to adapt to independent life and some familiar entertainment go into oblivion, because going, for example, to the cinema alone is not very interesting.

Feelings of despair and insecurity appear precisely as a consequence of a change in the way of life. Changing habits is always very painful. But on the other hand, it can provide unprecedented prospects for a real improvement in life. This is a reason to throw out everything unnecessary from life, fill it with fresh, new and interesting hobbies, acquire habits.

How to start a new life after breaking up? Psychologists are happy to give advice.

1. Get rid of everything, it reminds you of your ex. These can be photographs, letters, postcards. Erase all his messages on the phone, remove the number from phone book... In general, remove anything that clearly reminds of ex-lover that evokes painful memories. In the apartment where you lived together, you can make minor repairs. Updating the environment is sure to do you good.

2. Review your daily routine. Surely you have freed up a couple of hours that you used to spend with your partner. It is at this time that you will miss him most of all, so you need to load these hours as much as possible with new activities. Think, maybe there is something that you always wanted to do, but still ran out of time? Now the most right moment to bring to life old plans and ideas.

3. Time after - the best time in order to meet new people. The folk wisdom is right that old friend better than the new two, but the new two can be very useful. New acquaintances can be made on courses, in circles and clubs, on vacation. They will be useful both for you personally and for your work, because business connections are the key to a successful business.

4. Take away Special attention their appearance: figure, hairstyle, care, make-up, manicure. You have to find a new partner, even if not right now, but a little later, and you must be at your best. There is a reason to lose a couple of kilograms, change, renew. Your reflection in the mirror will delight you day after day and give you confidence in the future.

5. Look at life positively! Life is beautiful, there are so many wonderful and wonderful things in it. It is foolish to concentrate on one person, especially if the relationship has already sunk into oblivion.

You need to understand that very rare relationship last your whole life!
Sooner or later, you may have some kind of discord or breakup, and you will part.
There should be an understanding that in this world, in principle, there is nothing so super stable that it would never leave and would not collapse.

Understanding this 1 counselor's advice on how to cope with breaking up with your loved one greatly reinforces your knowledge.

2. Find your favorite activity that you want to do and be passionate about completely and with great passion.

With regard to your life in principle, finding your occupation that you want to do, you want to live and be passionate about - it strongly reinforces you emotionally and from all sides!
Having it, you will not be so much jarred and thrown into a panic at any loss, even if you broke up with your loved one.
Your favorite hobby, occupation, your own path, the energy and passion invested in this - very much recharge you, give you a purpose in life, give a feeling of pleasure and enjoyment from life.
Thanks to them, you forget about the gray everyday life, completely penetrate into the process, forgetting everyday trifles and breaks. You no longer worry about what to do if you are dumped or how to get over it.
Having severed the relationship, now you can completely immerse yourself in your favorite business and fully abide and grow with it further.
For example, it can be your projects, business ideas, events, your creativity, financial plans, hobbies and favorite sports. Who cares for what.

Always remember your favorite hobby and passion, put it in the first place now, and then you will no longer need the advice of a psychologist on how to survive parting with your girlfriend or boyfriend.

3. Realize that relationships, in any case, cannot be a mission and a goal in life.

Social programming suggests that a supposed relationship- the most important component in life. That is, people make building relationships the main component of life. This is a very common thing that can be observed now.
She's so Hollywood and from the movies or from some secret childhood dreams. It occurs in both men and women. And if you do not get rid of this illusion, you will still need the advice of a psychologist on how to get over the breakup with your loved one.
There is another wrong belief in people.... People come to their soulmate as if under the bosom of a tree from work or study with the conviction "but here it will be good for me."
And if this happens in your head, then, as a rule, it does not justify the hopes.
Sooner or later illusions will collapse... To some extent, people can create this illusion for each other, then it all crumbles to smithereens.

Relationships are definitely important.

In them we can realize ourselves, give realization to another person, establish emotional contact with a partner, make your life and his life easier.

But in general they cannot be a mission.

Relationships in any case cannot be a mission in life!

Girls illusions

On the part of girls, such a thing is present in the head more often. And so they often need help and different tips a psychologist on how to survive parting with your beloved man.

Girls elevate relationships to a higher rank, because they have such biological factor like a family and a child.

The problem with you is that you had to distract yourself from clinging to a relationship and making it a goal in life.

This will only make you worse, because sooner or later the illusions will begin to break, and you will again think about what to do when your loved one left you.

4. Don't let yourself slip into an emotional hole after a breakup.

It is very important when such breaks occur. and critical moments, this is not to let yourself slide into emotional pit... Some people get depressed. You can talk about ways to get rid of depression. They can last not one day, but even a week or two. This can be very detrimental to you.
Emotionally, the problem can be very minor. But, for example, a man can slide emotionally into this gap so much that he will have a desire to go to the mountains, become a monk and do nothing else in this life, or go headlong into business, forgetting about women altogether.
Although in reality not everything is so serious... Anything can happen. Do not cheat yourself, do not make an elephant out of a fly, and know everything about how to survive parting with a girl after long relationship or many years of marriage.

5. First, solve the psychological problem: do not go to extremes and run to look for a new partner.

After the breakup, you may get the feeling that supposedly you need to solve everything right now.

You need to solve problems as they come.

You don't have to decide everything at once.

First find harmony with yourself and solve the problem inside

If you are unstable emotional condition, depression, then deal with it first.

Some people go to extremes after a breakup and rather run to find a new partner.

And this will supposedly be the solution to the problem. This supposedly will close the questions about how to get through the pain of parting with a loved one.

Is this a solution?

What mistakes do people make?

People just put a band-aid on their mental wound are looking for a replacement rather than dealing with themselves.

This rush from one extreme to another does not end well.

Accept the state in which you are now, see it and say to yourself: “Yes, now I am not quite in harmony with myself after the breakup. Well, never mind, first I’ll solve this issue, and then we’ll see. ”

Remember this and no longer need the advice of a psychologist on how to cope with separation from your husband.

6. What Your Brain Can Do To You: A Jaded Record Analogy

All your memories of past love when everything was good, it bloomed and smelled - it's just an appearance.
If that balance were preserved, then it would indeed be so. And so this is an illusory appearance. It's already like worn-out record, which also broke down.
How is your brain joking with you? When you had a break and there were a lot of jambs that you don't even really want to remember, your brain throws this worn-out record to you.
You put this broken record in your head, where not an even melody plays, but an incomprehensible rattle, a pitiful semblance of a melody and some unpleasant sounds.
This record does not need to be repaired anymore!
You just need to find what you really need!
Don't even have to try to go back... It's not worth it.
Approach the situation soberly, and you will know all about how to start living after breaking up with your loved one.

7. Let yourself go forever: there is nothing to decide, no need to cling

Let yourself be gone forever.

Understand that there is nothing and no one to allow.

Some of you screwed up and it is important to understand that this is normal.

As painful as it may be, give yourself the opportunity to leave for good.

Just like your partner gives himself this opportunity.

Every girl and every guy gives himself this opportunity.

Understanding this will close your worries about how to get over the breakup with your loved ones.

8. Make the choice to be cool and not needy, remove expectations

A needy person is one who does not cling to other people is inclined to give more than to receive and never expects anything from this life! Strive to be.
A person who is not in need does not think about what you will have in the future (even if there is a 99% guarantee, you do not tell others). You can say: "Yes, I have such plans ...". You are going to do it, but you don’t live it.
You take what you have on this moment , but you never expect anything to happen in the future - good or bad. It's useless.
Those things that you can cling to in life can be so ephemeral and destructible.
Your reality should not be based on something external!

A person who is not in need does not need both things and people equally! The paradigm is that they are with them, but there is no fear of loss at all!

A person who is not in need never asks questions about how to live after a breakup.

A strong person is only glad that weak people themselves leave his life.

It's harder for a woman to live like that, but it's possible. Don't cling to people.

Women have a natural need for a man who will protect her, take care, they cling to men. This is their jamb!

On our website you can also on the topic of how to get rid of attachment and love addiction.

9. In the next six months or a year, completely change the perception of relationships.

After your breakup, do not immediately cling to a new person and do not try to make him yours right away for a very long time.
It should not be confused with not communicating with anyone and not getting to know anyone at all. No, you are still connecting and connecting with new people, enjoying the attraction between you.
But there should not be this desire to make a person his property for a long time.
You must remove the time frame where you will begin to unconsciously drive the person.
Live like this for the next six months at least after the break. Then, after six months, proceeding from internal sensations you can go back to long-term relationship with one girl (man).

A subtle point to be implemented

Replace the desire to make the person your own for the desire to make them happy.

The best thing you can do for your partner is to let him live. full life, and you will be there with him when he and you want it.

You still truly love your partner, but you are not trying to hold him back in any way.

You must live your life and provide your partner complete freedom choice.

Incorporate this perception and no longer worry about how to get over the separation from your lover or your secret passion.

Difference between healthy and unhealthy neediness

There should be no border and understanding that the person is yours.
And then you can always go further in terms of developing your spirituality, your level of happiness and harmony.
Yes, you may have a certain percentage of need for a new relationship, but this healthy need, — when you just want to see a person(no matter how you spend your time). You just want to be together.

10. Ask yourself: "Are your feelings and the image of your ex-partner real, or is this your subjective perception?"

Ask yourself questions:

Is it real that former partner does it give you any feelings, or is it your subjective perception that draws them that way, making it special?
If a guy's perception of his ex-girlfriend as “special”, “giving everyone love” and “making everyone feel better” was real, then why don't all guys perceive her that way?
Why does no other person on the planet with his ex-girlfriend feel better about it as a guy right now?

Answer

The way a guy perceives ex-girlfriend so cool is his personal subjective perception of the girl.

Except for him, no one else perceives her that way.

All other people see the same girl, the same appearance, the same face, but their health does not improve in any way!

And this is very important to realize in order to close the worries about how it is easier to get over the separation from your loved one.

You yourself draw an addition to the image of the ex, it does not come from him in any way

The boy is just attached to those old emotions tactile sensations and the past pleasures they gave each other. His perception draws her somehow special, as if she has a halo over her head.
The same can be said about ex-men over which women continue to dry unrequitedly. Your remaining love after the breakup is only your personal subjective appearance.
You yourself and your perception of feelings draw such an addition to former person... This supplement itself does not come from your ex in any way.
This image, which draws your perception to you, does not exist in reality. Keep this in mind and close all your questions about how to get over the pain of parting with married man or the one with whom sooner or later you would have to part.

11. Your affection is tested for the feelings and sensations that you experienced with your partner, and not for the person himself

Realize that you are attached to the feeling, not to the person himself.

This feeling is drawn by your personal subjective perception.

Understand this, and it will become much easier for you.

Ask yourself:

Why don't you have this feeling about yourself?
Why does it arise only in relation to other people?

The answer is that you just don't love yourself.

People do not love themselves and, as a result, need outside help, ask a psychologist for advice on how to survive a breakup with a husband, boyfriend or female person.

12. Love yourself for real

When you truly fall in love with yourself, your total love will be much stronger than your feelings for your ex.

Your love for yourself will be the strongest and strongest. No feelings can absorb and bind you.

And then you will already forget about attachment to feelings, you will give more to this world.

And then people will start reaching out to you.

Now you know everything from psychology on the topic of how to cope with parting with your loved one, and you do not need any forums.

If you integrate these understandings into your life, then thoughts like “I would rather move away after a painful breakup” in your head will no longer arise.

You will take a lot of pain and suffering out of the relationship and start looking at things more objectively.

This is your life, make the right choice!

Life is unpredictable. Yesterday you were warmed by a gentle look, and the touch caused a happy tremor. And today you suddenly hear that it's time for you to part forever. And no persuasion can keep a loved one, and tears are useless ... And is there any sense in this? Cracks will remain on the glued vase and, seeing it, every time you will think that it was once broken. And in a relationship, too, it is so - you will not be able to forget. Each of you, even if you try to restore what was destroyed, will think that there could be a different path and, perhaps, regret not following that path, blaming your soul mate for this.

Parting ... It hurts. Is always. Both. And it doesn't matter at all which of you left. Do not think that the decision came easily to him or her. The longer and deeper the relationship was, the more painful. But you have to live. You need to think about how to start a new life after breaking up.

The question is really difficult. And for some reason it seems that there is no life at all behind the door that will close behind you. She was here, next to a loved one. You cooked dinner together yesterday. And they burned it down. Because it was suddenly not up to dinner ...

And today you have become distant. At the very moment when they made a promise to remain friends. Paradox. A friend who has betrayed once becomes an enemy at once, and a lover who has betrayed becomes a friend. For what merits such an honor? Think about it, but only later. And now we will think about how to start a new one

Believe me, this is easier than it seems now. There are certain rules written by life itself. There is no need to rush between hate and love. Indifference is clear between them. If the door is closed, do not go back, do not knock on it, do not open it. Otherwise, after a very short time, you will again be drilled with the thought of how to start a new life.

Take a breath. It has already happened. If you cannot move to another city, leave at least for a while. Well, for example, buy a ticket. Walk in unfamiliar places. All day or all night. To the point of exhaustion. It's good if someone else comes with you. Not just mutual friend or girlfriend.

How to start a new life? I will answer: with new impressions. And the phone is not your assistant in this. Disable it. Arrange an information blockade. Don't wait for him / her to call. And even if you suddenly get through, answer that you cannot speak. Don't continue the conversation. It will be hard. Highly. You will desperately want to finish the unsaid or just hear your painfully native voice. Not necessary.

Socializing with family friends will not do any good either. How can they help you? Remind once again about what already hurts? To "ignore" friends. At least for now.
Get rid of things you bought once now former soul mate... Well, for example, change jewelry to others, even with an additional payment. Do not re-watch films that you two enjoyed watching with such pleasure.

Change. How to start a new life if you don't want to part with your old one? Change your clothing style, hairstyle, accessories. Forget the dull black or gray. This is not your color!

Tone up. Become a regular gyms, pool. This will not only distract, let down the steam ready to escape, but also bring you into shape. And don't forget the orange juice after class. Learn to please yourself with little things. Just don't eat the negative with pies. You will not spoil your figure because of the one who dumped you?

Get carried away. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but hobby doesn’t hurt here. Anyone. Try to resurrect your dreams. Maybe you wanted to dance tango? Or paint pictures? It's about time. Nobody will distract and say: "You move like a bear. And you won't become a Picasso either."

Analyze. Do not scold him (her). Think about yourself, your mistakes. You must clearly realize that introspection will hedge against further mistakes.

How to start a new life? You have already done that. Parting is the beginning of a new life that you have entered. Don't start with tears. The reason is, of course, respectful. Allow yourself to do this. But only once. Plenty. And after - "the tail of the gun". The only way. No drugs, no alcohol. Have pity on yourself and those to whom you will always be dear: children, parents. You can, of course, relax. But only a little bit and only sometimes. On a drunken head, you can make irreparable mistakes.

And finally. Don't start a new relationship yet. A wedge is not knocked out by a wedge. Not in this case. Just sex, please. But without a whirlpool with a head and without marriage or marriage. Why? It won't work out. It will act like salt on a wound. Let the wound heal first.

Life is not a book. It cannot be rewritten many times. It is written once. And only you.