Sincere relationship. How to create sincere relationships? Sincerity is an emotional phenomenon expressed in a direct manifestation of feelings that is not analyzed by a person: emotion was born inside and immediately manifested itself in the outside world

Ecology of health: Each person has an individual therapy scheme, that is, a certain direction in which he is present. It is rather a matter of combining these principles in one's consciousness, life, in one's methodology. Having figured out what each of them is, and, as it were, integrating them, you can already organize your personal practice, which, relatively speaking, will be your personal, unique KMS.

The health management system (HMS) is a science-based system for restoring health and preventing its disorder in all spheres of life: from the physical to the spiritual.

Its goal is health and healthy self-realization, and its values ​​are acceptance, honesty, non-violence.

The main tool of the KPS is a sincere exchange of experiences in an open, purposeful dialogue with like-minded people.

When I got acquainted with this Health Management System, I noticed that in its essence it is very consonant with Therapeutic Meaningful Fencing (TSF).

So the idea arose to find out from the founder and head of the School "Health Management System" Dmitry Shamenkov, how body-oriented psychotherapy (BOP) and CPS can enrich each other.

Dmitry, what do you think: is it possible to try to make such a TOP direction on the basis of the CPS and on the basis of fencing practices?

Each person has an individual therapy scheme, that is, a certain direction in which he is present. It is rather a matter of combining these principles in one's consciousness, life, in one's methodology. Having figured out what each of them is, and, as it were, integrating them, you can already organize your personal practice, which, relatively speaking, will be your personal, unique KMS.

Moreover, every person does it all the time. At the level of our consciousness, we integrate quite a lot of tools, turning this “set” into a kind of personal therapy of our own. CPS is enough to create a foundation. And then it can be expanded with any other working psychotherapeutic tool.

- To the question of honesty. In bodily therapy, the main postulate is: "The body does not lie." What do you think of it?

If we talk about the bodily reaction, then it is difficult to introduce some categories, such as "lie - do not lie." From the point of view of theory functional systems(by the way, the abbreviation TFS is surprisingly consonant with your TSF), the concept of information transfer accuracy, relatively speaking, whether it is true or not, arises only in relation to the goal. There is no absolute truth that can be identified - it is always relative. And in this regard, the approach that "the body does not lie" refers only to a certain situation in which a person or organism is.

For example, a person is driving a car, and before that he used a psychoactive substance, and he began to hallucinate. The body specifically sends a signal to him at this moment in time, he physically feels that he has worms under his arms, they prevent him from holding the steering wheel, but in fact there are none - it turns out that the body can lie. It all depends on what is happening in the human psyche.

FROM physiological point vision, the goal determines the perception. For example, a person approaches the boss with the thought that he is hostile towards him. This means that in this contact a person begins communication with the initial internal preset, which does not correspond to reality. And the body will reflect this attitude, the preverbal attitude. In this context, it turns out that the body does not lie, in a broad sense. It somehow reflects some dominant pattern in consciousness. However, it is impossible to spread the idea that the body does not lie to the whole of reality.

Personal practice has taught me a clear awareness that it can be different. When starting a conversation, I often saw how my barriers got in the way of conversational communication. My body seemed to be telling me: “Dmitry, relatively speaking, beware” - there is something there. But, going inside the dialogue, working through some of my experiences in the dialogue, I was able to significantly change my outlook on life.

And the body responded to this change. At first, it said one thing, reacting to my previous view, to the old idea of ​​reality, but in the course of an open dialogue, everything turned out to be completely different. Therefore, in the KPS, open dialogue itself has a healing power.

- And any dialogue, like any interaction in living systems, is always built around a goal.

- Of course. Therefore, the central concept in KPS is the goal. And, given that the goal determines our perception, any form of goal-setting based solely on past performance, and not on living dialogue, is called into question in the KPS.

So much for me greater value acquires a healthy dialogue in which we strive to preserve good health. Generally speaking, it does not depend on external factors: I take responsibility for my well-being, and in everything else I am guided by the dialogue process. I try to listen better to the person with whom I interact. The focus of the main SUZ practices is focused on how to feel as much as possible your experiences, yourself, in the best way express them in a circle of like-minded people and at the same time clearly hear the interlocutors who entered into this dialogue.

In this sense, our system allows us to work through very deep problems, because it is the group field that is created thanks to these rules of communication that works. It is like a living organism, like an anthill. Let's say the cells that make up human body, are equal in their basis, and from any cell it is possible to reproduce the whole organism.

This is the deepest equality, which is present simultaneously with a certain functional difference of cells, and makes it possible for a community created in the same way to have a powerful healing potential. Such mutual support and trust help a person to discover in himself and say what he least wanted to voice and hid from others.

This is a group dynamic. Terfecht has absolutely the same principles, and we even say: “We are all equal, we are all different.” As you know, in group psychotherapy, often someone has psychological resistance. How do you clean it up?

No way, because if you fight resistance, it will only strengthen it. And here only the possibility of creating an internal own space of acceptance works, the realization that I am dealing with my projections, and that I have some kind of violence against someone, that he supposedly should be somehow not resisting. In this situation, it is my deep acceptance, allowing what is happening to be, that helps a person to open up. He feels this trust from within and physically feels the possibility and permissibility of such disclosure.

In the course of this practice, deep traumas are revealed to such an extent that a person is aware of himself that people usually do not talk about it. I don't know if people go to that depth in therapy sessions, but here they are able to verbalize and directly express their true experience. People express themselves not in images, going around and around, but directly and openly, without hesitation. This allows a person to become himself, that is, to become self-actualized, first of all, to become equal to himself. And through this tool of self-actualization, you can truly realize yourself.

Can such a sincere expression of feelings, which allows one to get rid of the idealization of oneself and others, be called humility?

Yes, this is, in fact, humility, if we consider the concept of “humility” as arising from the word “world” and equivalent to the world and oneself in it. This humility is exactly like equality to the world, in a broader context, but not deliverance, not the suppression of certain feelings and sensations. Therefore, the purpose of this practice - the expression of experiences - is to become equivalent to yourself, your goal to be healed.

"healing" from the word "goal" here in this case. This does not mean getting rid of experience, because getting rid of experience in itself is, in one sense or another, a kind of non-recognition of the right of this experience to be. Accordingly, this is a non-recognition of one's own right to be. The experience that we do not allow to be realized in life is, in a sense, a repressed part of ourselves. However, such sincerity arises if I realize the purpose of this action.

It is important to realize that sincerity arises not as a result of correctly spoken words or facts, but as a result of my equivalence in relation to the purpose for which I do it. Otherwise it will be some attempt to use psychological technique in order to manipulate reality - what is the sincerity? The meaning is to be maximally equivalent to oneself in the course of expressing experiences. The health management system is a holistic integral practice of synchronization with real life.

In terfecht great attention is given to the development of preverbal mood. When there is a negative preverbal attitude, for example, I go to a person, but I already have a “stone in my bosom”, then my communication will not develop.

The inner task that lies at the heart of sincere expression of experiences is to first of all hear the other person before trying to express something to him. Without having an idea of ​​what state, what position the other person is in, without clarifying the pain that he met, especially in conflict, I cannot express myself in proportion to this situation.

Therefore, if I speak exact words, as factually as possible, but at the same time follow the intention to prove something, proceeding from the obligation that the world should be different, the person should be different, then I will thereby deceive myself and others.

I see my mission, if we talk about human consciousness, in direct demonstration that relationships are the key to health. This is the main thing. And whether a person will understand how he will continue to work on relationships, whether he will understand the meaning of the goal in these relationships, exactly the communications - this is already a secondary point. Sooner or later, he, perhaps, will reach the understanding in the information space that the goal determines everything.

Why doesn't the CPS talk about forgiveness? Forgiveness, from the point of view of psychology and spiritual practices, promotes healing and health.

In fact, KPS does not say much about anything, not only about forgiveness. The essence of the CPS, in the end, is simplification. It is not a task to create many words and entities that could be useful, being realized after decades of unsuccessful attempts to understand something. SUZ is like the top of a mountain when viewed from above.

It is clear that the mountain has many parts: the foot and so on. But when you stand on this top, you can see everything. This is a kind of symbol, which, with its integrity, already helps to come to a lot. If we talk about the place of forgiveness in the KPS system, then it lies in its basis. The very ability to forgive develops naturally with practice. And you don't need to model it.

In my opinion, formal forgiveness often takes a person aside. Let me explain. The goal determines the perception and behavior of any living system. Accordingly, if I continue to act in order to manipulate the reality in which I am, and use forgiveness for this, then nothing good will come of it.

Practice fundamentals allows you to come to forgiveness, but naturally. Forgiveness comes naturally, sincerely. It suddenly, like a revelation, illuminates a person so that he forgives. This is by no means a forced act when he tries to give birth to the forgiveness of a person whom he actually hates. This causes internal conflict and does not lead to anything good. There is a kind of following the model: "I'm so good, so wonderful - I forgave."

In this sense, I can’t even remember that in my life I saw people who, through the power of anyone, truly forgave. Formally - yes, they forgive, in the sense that they will not do nasty things to another - this is full of it all the time. But the true deep forgiveness, so that it arose on purpose, artificially, I deliberately did not see. There is no such practice in KMS for this reason alone. Surprisingly, it turns out that forgiveness itself lies at the foundation of health management, and a person naturally comes to it by practicing the basic steps.

- What is non-violence, unconditional love and acceptance in your understanding?

These concepts are interrelated. For me, non-violence is the highest degree display of honesty. The emergence of a certain desire to oppose the reality that surrounds me, including with my internal problems and experiences, is only a cyclical process that disconnects me from true reality, makes me "inanimate". For me, non-violence is, first of all, responsibility and awareness of myself and my place in the world in which I am.

In order to heal, I need to realize that everything that happens to me is the result of my goals. No one and nothing caused these feelings, experiences and sensations - I myself am their source. This gives me the key to dynamics, to development. Here acceptance takes place, a place for love opens up, because, by and large, I have no other options for interacting with reality.

I accept the freedom of another person from the position that he does not owe me anything, I accept him, whether he agrees with me or not. This is a free movement towards a common goal in which I do not bind my personal internal state with the behavior or condition of another person. Thus, I do not become dependent on him as a person who is forced to manipulate others in order to improve his condition. This kind of free interaction for me is what can be called the word "love".

These words are emotionally charged, and under them people have many different worldview concepts and beliefs that they absolutely do not want to argue with. In this regard, I am ready to accept any point of view, but I am always interested in the practical result.

A person can tell anything about unconditional love, acceptance, non-violence - I am able to calmly hear it and accept it as a fact that such a reality also happens. But one thing interests me: when a person comes to me and says that he has a problem, then I ask him a simple question: “If you have a problem and you come to me, do you realize that all your knowledge and concepts are not enough to solve your problem?" This is important for a person to realize.

You can talk about concepts and certain concepts ad infinitum. But it all starts from the moment a specific common goal emerges. Then a real dialogue begins, and you can come to some kind of understanding. Therefore, in fact, in the process of solving each problem, one must always discover a unique concept, a definition of the meaning, rather even the feeling of what non-violence is and the feeling of violence, in order to understand non-violence; a feeling of acceptance and rejection: to feel, to live this unpleasant, - then it becomes clear what is pleasant.

So are feelings conditional love, unconditional love and feelings of dislike. When it is lived and felt, then everything falls into place. And then a person can have his own unique language, with which he purposefully certain situations can convey their feelings to others. This is perhaps the most important value that can be expected from such a therapeutic process.

- Is it necessary to make physical effort on oneself to maintain health and good physical shape?

Here it is worth going from the word “necessary” to the question “what is health?”. If we consider a normally functioning living system, then it cannot interact with the outside world without the realization of force, let's say. And the realization of force, as we know, from the point of view of psychophysiology, occurs completely automatically.

And a person, even with special tools and purposeful attention, in principle, cannot realize it, because there is a perception delay of about 250 milliseconds ... It has been directly proven in experiments that, one way or another, these reactions, processes are generated first, and then only a person realizes this, “catches up”. And any attempt to use some kind of violence is a limitation of one's ability to live. You can apply something, please, but the question is where it leads.

Probably one of the most clear examples is the famous ultramarathon runner Mika True, who ran an ultramarathon at the age of 58. And, it would seem, with his way of life he showed everyone how important and necessary it is to overcome oneself. But, unfortunately, he died at the age of 58 during a morning run. As you know, physical overload leads to an increased risk of death.

From a physiological point of view, the answer to your question is obvious. In fact, in the course of his natural life, when a person is healthy, he overcomes difficulties with joy, because their occurrence is a natural part of life that inevitably arises. In addition, a person has a programmed experience positive reinforcement associated with overcoming difficulties. For example, I may experience a very negative feeling when I am hungry.

But if I go, for example, to a restaurant - to eat with friends, then I do not experience sharp negative feelings. Although the feeling of hunger is one of the strongest negative feelings. It is the same with suffocation: it is one thing for a person who is being strangled, for example, and another for a swimmer who deliberately dived somewhere and resurfaces. On the way out, he does not experience severe suffocation, although the concentration of oxygen is comparable to the concentration of the gas of a person who is being suffocated.

He even experiences positive sensations. Therefore, here, when it comes to effort, violence, the imposition of some actions, I know that we are talking about the substitution of concepts, the substitution of goals. I know what won't happen natural development of a person, if he acts through “I don’t want”, instead of realizing what he really wants, and burning with it, and living with it.

In order for a person to be happy, alive, healthy, he certainly needs physical activity- it is natural. Moreover, you can simply experiment. Just take an adult male, sexually mature, healthy and say: "Please sit down for one hour and just sit in one place." And then see if it's easy for him to sit still for an hour. It costs great work. Therefore, there is no need to do anything special. Again, life, if you are honest with it, gives many reasons to do something physically.

In this regard, please tell us about your physical, bodily practice. It is additional, but it is still in the CPS.

I will say this, our practice very clearly reflects the general approach to physical practice in general, as I see it, and shows why we do not have so much of it. I must say that my attitude towards physical practice is deeply positive. I am physically pretty active person: I walk a lot, I swim - I like to do it. And a lot of work in my life. Basically, this is a functional activity: I don’t like activities that do not lead to results.

For me, the result is a temporary increase muscle mass or the temporary well-being of the body is only temporary, and I need a long-term result. I absolutely do not believe in any accumulation of muscle mass, I know how harmful it is for the body, for health. I am well aware of how the self-regulation system works. Therefore, I understand that it is laid and gives the result exactly what we do regularly, on an ongoing basis. Hence the approach to the health management system.

Initially, it was a simple system. It was formed when I was undergoing extremely difficult period In my life. Then my life was completely destroyed: I lost my health, I had a precancerous condition, I was in terrible addictions. I have been shattered social life and I lost my family. By and large, I did not belong to myself. I had a lot of problems, debts, and I couldn’t even think about anything at all.

I didn't have to do anything physical ability and strength: any thought of doing something caused rejection and a desire to kill oneself. The condition was the worst. And at that moment I realized that I could not grab everything. I needed something extremely simple, something I could start with and still do for the rest of my life. I understood that regularity was of fundamental importance.

And then, honestly looking the truth in the eye, I realized that the maximum that I can do is to be as honest as possible with people, learn to accept them, I can share my experiences, I can be silent. I realized that this is the maximum that I can do for the rest of my life, thus forming a dynamic stereotype in health management. And if I realize this, then, as experience has shown, anything can be strung on top of this rod.

I got out of this state pretty quickly, thanks to this practice and nothing else - I did not have any other options. Only then did they appear. First of all, I began to feel my body, because prolonged silence contributes to this. At first, I didn’t even have an hour for this, so I learned to use every micro-moment of time in order to recover. I could be somewhere on the road and understand: now I have 15 minutes, and I can tune in with myself.

Instead of thinking about something, getting nervous, tense, I learned to synchronize with life in these moments. Ultimately, when I began to practice for a longer time, I began to feel the needs of the body in movement: the need to stretch, somehow warm up, open chest, actively breathe, stretch. And I began to learn to listen to my body and be attentive to its needs, sensations, and its movements.

Thus, the feeling of the body, the conscious movement, this fluidity, the feeling of being included in space, were fundamental to me. As a result of such an attitude towards ourselves, there is already a variant of ideomotor movement, when we listen to inner feelings, the needs of the body, we begin to see this image, to realize at the level of feelings how to properly move the shoulder forward or move forward. And there is a practice that visually resembles oriental "soft" martial arts, such as tai chi, wu-shu. But I came to this completely intuitively.

In this regard, what you are doing in therapeutic fencing is for me a new step towards revelations. And, thanks to our dialogue, my understanding of therapy through martial arts in general has slightly expanded. Through relationships, through dialogues, I always strive to develop, I turn to them with joy and openness, because, let's say, our dialogue can give me more in terms of practice than any attempts to formally practice something, because you sincerely live this process.

And I understood in this dialogue of ours that the practice of therapeutic fencing itself, in fact, reflects the dialogue on physical level. This is the same open dialogue that we talked about, but not on a verbal level, but on a bodily level. In this sense, I think that, unlike the sport of high achievements, from some competitive things, there are common goal: to learn to hear your opponent, to be proportionate to him and, realizing this common goal - but still the common goal - health in this process - to move in this cycle, groping for these edges.

Indeed, a therapeutic duel is a dialogue in which it is necessary to see, hear, feel and understand the other, and a specific goal and task must be set for each duel. Otherwise, a person indistinctly enters the fencing dialogue and indistinctly leaves it, without a therapeutic result. As you rightly said: "The goal determines everything and allows you to be healed, to become equivalent to yourself."

Let me give you one example from my practice. I had a funny episode. My wife was pregnant with our eldest son, already in her eighth month. And I invited her to play table tennis. She had never really played before. We start playing with it, and the ball constantly flies off the field. And since she was in position, I constantly ran after the ball. I began to think: what kind of game is this when I constantly run?

And then it dawned on me: “Yul, tell me, what is your goal when you hit the ball?” “I want to score a goal for you.” - “Julia,” I say, “look: the goal of playing tennis is not to score a goal, but to have the ball above the table, in the playing space. Then there's the game." As soon as I explained this to her, there was a feeling as if a person had been replaced, and at least a second-class player, or maybe even a first-class tennis player, appeared in her place.

We had such a high-speed game in which it was practically impossible to throw off the ball. And already there was a desire to show some kind of sharpness or hit hard just because it became interesting. In this metaphor, I want to show: is it necessary, is this violence? If we are in dialogue with ourselves, with the world, with other people, even in a duel, and understand what our common goal is, then we both strive for it.

This will interest you:

If we try to hear the other better, to show ourselves better, starting with simple things: not from grabbing a stick and fighting, but from the stage of feeling, feeling in this dialogue, then gradually we will come to the moment of the highest degree of realization in this martial art, and respectively, and in Everyday life. For me, in this sense, even our dialogue has now become an important discovery and has developed interest, a desire to study, do something else in this regard, and, perhaps, pay more attention to this aspect of life. For which you are grateful.

- Thank you, Dmitry, I was also enriched by our dialogue, and what you said about "therapeutic-semantic" tennis, the same approach is present in terfecht as in a spiritually oriented bodily practice. published

Interview: A. Sigutin

Three years ago, when my grandfather died, many people came to say goodbye to him and express their condolences to us. I knew who was truly shocked by his death, and who came only because they felt compelled to come.

I remember one old woman. She sat next to me and with her very presence irritated me. She said put in similar situation words as if I had learned them by heart: "I'm sorry", "He was a good man"," Time heals wounds "- and so on.

I was surprised that the same words from the lips of others sounded different. Someone without words could convey their participation, sympathy and grief.

What was the difference? The state in which I was, allowed me to understand who spoke from the heart, and who - only out of necessity. What does it mean to "speak from the heart"? And why is it so important in relationships between people? It is not difficult to determine the interest of the interlocutor by the way he listens to you: by look, by concentration, by sensual reaction. “To speak from the heart” means to speak openly about your thoughts, feelings, and ideas. It seems simple, but it's really not that simple. Openness and sincerity must be developed, as well as others positive features character.

Look at the lovers at the beginning of a relationship: they are sincere, open and attentive to each other as much as possible. The world shimmers with all the colors of the rainbow, in the eyes of happiness, on the lips of love. But where does all this go after some, most often short, time?

Something happens, and one of the lovers, most often a woman, begins to doubt the sincerity of the feelings of her chosen one, it begins to seem to her that he does not value her at all. Although this is not true. Not yet.

There is an opinion that all good things come to an end, including love. Some psychologists say that love has 4 phases: spring, summer, autumn, winter - and even describe these phases! Doesn't this sound very familiar to you? Stop! Yes, this is the theory of the historian Toynbee! Yes, that's just it refers to the development of civilizations and peoples, but not to our feelings and work on them.

Have you ever wondered why some people managed to keep their love for life? How did they do it? There are cases when a person, having visited a psychologist, returned to the period of his love.

Our life is full of routine things that can kill love. Even princesses do what all people do: eat, drink, sleep, get tired and don't always look good. Communication based on sincere, open relationship, a connection from the heart, can save us from the routine and keep our feelings for each other.

Subconsciously, we write a script of behavior, which we then follow. And sincere behavior does not need any script. It is sincere that we do not because we are obliged to do it, but from a personal desire, from feelings that change every minute. When we behave openly, our behavior is inconsistent: now we say that we are happy, and in half an hour we are sad for some reason.

Think about the people who live together and meet after a long day at work: to what extent do they treat each other honestly and do they really pay enough attention to each other? Most often, they go about their normal daily activities, paying little attention to emotional condition another: put the purchases in their places, prepare dinner, put the children to bed. Each of them, of course, had pleasant and not pleasant moments during the day, but who can spare the time and energy to also listen to the other's ups and downs in the evening?

We ourselves build walls and erect barriers of insincerity in relationships with the closest people, and then wonder where love goes? At the same time, with sincere relationships, people feel the emotional state and mood of the other without words, behavior and even gestures, which is not as simple as it might seem. After all, often people INDEPENDENTLY and VOLUNTARY close for others, even the closest, their inner world. And this makes it difficult to build open relationships.

Why is this happening?

We are all very subtle and sensitive, we all protect our inner world from “dirty boots” that can trample on there, we are all afraid of getting emotionally traumatized. Most of us on different stages lives were wounded by other people and then long and carefully erected walls around themselves to protect their Self from outside intrusions.

And with open relationships, people don’t even need to talk: they themselves understand the emotional state of their partner without unnecessary prompting and try to help him. In such a relationship, there is the main thing - attention! And what is very important - mutual attention!

Behavior based on openness is spontaneous behavior, but many of us are simply afraid of it. We like to do everything as usual, without unnecessary changes and surprises, but over time we suddenly find that our relationship has withered, become boring, insipid and artificial. We do everything just because we have to. And the relationship begins to desperately need something to survive.

Tolya and Olya are a couple in their 30s. Both were divorced. They have been together for 2 years, their relationship is dear to both, both feel happy because they found each other. The first year they met was exciting and romantic, they managed to be together almost every night and talked a lot on the phone. Both loved this openness and honesty that characterized their relationship, because both suffered from loneliness in a previous marriage, and each was looking for a more emotional, deeper and more significant connection.

After a year of meetings, they decided to start a family and went to live in Olya's apartment, where her two children from previous marriage. However, very soon they noticed that they began to move away from each other. The most surprising thing is that this began to happen precisely after the beginning of a joint life. suddenly appeared various problems that needed solutions.

Remember yourself - many couples living together makes a drastic change in the relationship. Although the reasons are different. Olya wanted to prove to the children that she had not left them, had not forgotten them, and as a result, Tolya felt lonely in the evenings, although Olya was always with him at night.

Tolya was offended, but fearing that Olya would think that he wanted to alienate her from the children, he tried with all his might not to get angry and tried to think of where everyone could go together. All this soon reminded him of his relationship with ex-wife. She removed the children from him because he worked hard and often came home late. This was her revenge. She formed a coalition against him. Tolya began to feel that he was living again past life, but when I tried to talk with Olya about my feelings, I did not meet with understanding from her side. Instead of trying to understand him, she suddenly became defensive.

Olya also understood that they were moving away, and she felt that this could eventually destroy their relationship. Because of this, she had to behave in exactly the opposite way: on the one hand, she tried her best to pay attention to Tolya, but at the same time she understood that then he would feel like another child, and did not want to allow this. On the other hand, she was angry and accused him of being jealous of the children and that he was taking her away from the children. Olya felt that she was torn, and that she could not satisfy the desires of both the children and Tolya. As a result, thoughts began to come to her that the past was returning to her life. Former spouse also used to say that she did not pay him due attention.

In the life of every couple, for example, a couple of months after the start of a close relationship, there are serious problems that this couple has to deal with. Otherwise, parting with stormy scenes and a showdown is inevitable. strong feelings, such as anger, irritation or fear of loss, only exacerbate the problems. As a result, two in general loving friend man's friend let feelings control their destiny.

And this happens because we close ourselves in, hiding behind the walls that were built a long time ago, and beyond which we allowed ourselves to go only on a short time. Of course, this is easier than being open and sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings, because in this case there is a danger of not meeting the expected understanding and re-experiencing past grievances and disappointments.

Let's see how the conversation between Tolya and Olya goes. Both have already closed, each hiding behind his own fence. Pay Special attention to the subtext of each remark:

Olya:“What happened, Tolya? Have you been in a bad mood all evening?
(This is the usual behavior of a woman, she knows well what the reason is, but she is afraid to touch it.)

Tolya:“No, I was in a normal mood.”
(Tolya avoids answering, he prefers to hide his anger and displeasure.)

Olya:“Maybe you can still tell me what’s the matter? You were sad all evening!”
(Olya attacks, and Tolya, like all men in this case, especially if he is angry, angry or dissatisfied with something, strikes back.)

Tolya:"How would you know? Have you spent all this time with Vera?”
(Tolya really attacks her, but at the same time makes her understand the reason for her behavior)

Olya:"All time? I was with her for a maximum of an hour! But I saw that you were not in a good mood.
(Olya defends herself, but at the same time tries to show that in spite of everything he was in the field of her attention)

Tolya:“Really? I don't think it is."
(Here Tolya closed himself. He prefers not to see that Olya paid attention to him)

Olya:"I don't know what you want from me, but you know I have to help her with math."
(Here Olya shows herself as real woman, she is already defending herself from the bunker)

Tolya:"Yes, I know I have to help, it's all right."
(Tolya climbs into his bunker and turns off the conversation)

Both are closed and defensive, instead of talking frankly and finding out what the other really cares about. A frank conversation might not have solved the problem, but oddly enough, in this case it does not matter at all.

There are many problems that have no solution. AT candid conversation Olya would talk about her unsuccessful attempts to pay attention to both children and Tolya at the same time, she would talk about her fear of losing him and the relationship that exists between them.

Tolya, for his part, would tell her about his desire to be with her, about understanding that she should pay attention to children too, he would tell her about his fear of reliving former life with ex-wife.

Neither of them expects to find a way out, because there simply isn't one, but both will make room for common feelings, even if in most cases it is a feeling of fear, frustration or anger.

When people tell each other about their fears, and they are most often the main cause of discord in relationships, the partner seeks to help overcome these fears, dispel empty doubts. Anger only closes hearts. Open and sincere people know that although there are no solutions for many problems, their severity is significantly reduced when a spouse is ready to listen and understand you.

In the case of Tolya and Olya, the problem was that Tolya had not yet had time to build relationships with Olya's children, they had not yet become his own for him. But the system of relations with them will still be built later. And this should not be hindered by the discontent of Tolya's mother. After all, children subconsciously copy the reactions of their parents, and with people who are dissatisfied with you, a chance to build normal relationship- very, very small.

Nevertheless, Tolya and Olya managed to talk sincerely, opening their hearts, thoughts, and souls, and both understood when they had this conversation - a conversation open hearts- that although nothing has changed, everything has changed dramatically. Their attitude towards this union changed, a sense of trust increased, and the problem, although it remained, simply ceased to be a problem, in any case, ceased to be so dangerous. Because when people speak from the bottom of their hearts, even about negative feelings and emotions, such as fear, for example, the connection between them only intensifies.

And that is the goal, after all.

Research materials
Israeli psychologists
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Sincerity is the ability to trust, open the soul, heart, thoughts. This is the ability to speak honestly and openly about what worries and worries you.

1. First important point sincerity - TRUST.

This is when you are sure that you will be understood. When you have in your mind the file “I repeated it 1000 times, but they didn’t hear me,” then sincerity will not happen, and fear will take its place - that nothing will change.

To be able to trust, it is important to learn this all the time. How to pump muscles in the fitness room. If you do not know how to trust, to talk about your feelings, this is often due to the fact that once you opened up, but you were not understood or ridiculed.

Everyone has this experience, especially in childhood. But someone moves on and tries to trust again, and someone decides: “everything is clear, everything is useless” - and closes the issue.

When we talk about something to a partner, it is important inside to 100% want him to hear it. It doesn't matter how many times you failed... the main thing is to start trusting again. There is an Italian film in the role of Juliet Mazina, how she is deceived - she again believes, she is deceived again - and she again believes.

While we live, we perform actions, actions and receive new experience. It doesn't matter what it was past experience- it is important to close the doors to the old and go into something new.

Trust is something that is important to keep learning, to train.

2. A very important point in building trust is "I respect you, I respect myself."

It's like a platform for life. If you have decided on a partner and decide to build a relationship with him, respect for yourself and for him are 2 measures that are always equal. It's not like I'm white and fluffy here, and you're all brown and smell bad. There is never such a division when there is respect. We are just different, but we are both worthy of respect ALWAYS.

If you don't understand something, you can ask. Sincerity, it implies mutual respect. Both in that, and in other side.

If you see a partner showing disrespect for you, this is only an echo of the fact that you do not have enough respect for yourself. When you respect yourself and something hurts you, offends you, you talk about it directly: “You know, it’s unpleasant for me to hear this, you are now talking in such a disrespectful tone or unpleasant words. I want to cry, why are you telling me this? I've never been told that. I beg you to speak to me with more respect."

We all the time say what hurts us, what is important to us in our priorities. But we say it without reproaches, but with respect. All the time a common platform, all the time a common territory.

If your partner treats you rudely, insults you, he does everything only to make you respect yourself. It's like a provocation. So that you learn to defend your personal boundaries, declare yourself, respect yourself. At that moment, he does not respect himself, of course, but you would not have come across such a partner if you respected yourself.

3. It is important to be interested in his feelings.

For example, you saw that there was some kind of problem. You offer something, and he says NO. And then you can say: “This is very important to me, but I see that you don’t care, tell me a little more about it.”

Always be INTERESTED - "What's going on with you?".

Or you say: - Let's talk about it ...
“No, I don’t want to talk,” he replies.
- Probably, you are busy now, but when will it be convenient for you?

But when we stick to a partner, and he is at that time in bad mood, we make it clear to him that we do not respect his feelings, we are not interested in him. “It’s important for me to talk now, and I don’t care what you are doing there with others.”

4. Focus on all the good things in your relationship.

This also leads to sincerity as to trust and security. Talk about the good things in your relationship more often:

What good children we have, the son is as attentive as you are ...

We went so well to visit yesterday, so much fun with you.

I am very pleased when you give flowers.
You yourself all the time emphasize the good that unites you. And fill the space of your relationship with all the good things that happened, remembering the pleasant moments, and there are a lot of them. And for this you need to be able to see it, to focus your attention on it.

It is important to develop this skill. To do this, every day ask yourself the following questions:

And what good is today in our relations?
What did I enjoy?
What nice things have I done for my husband?
If you take these simple recommendations for practical application, your relationship will definitely become closer and stronger. Your happiness is in your hands, create it!

Recently, I have discovered new level sincerity. For me, this discovery was incredibly important ... How to create sincere relationship?

First of all, this article is for those who have already have a fairly warm sincere relationship with a spouse. For those who want to develop further... And dream of discovering new opportunities.

Byron Katie's book Loving What Is helped me. Highly useful book- teaches you to accept yourself, your life and all those around you. I will not retell her ideas, I will reveal only one point ... Sincerity. Yes, I already wrote on this topic in the article "". But there was something completely different ... It was about initial stage relationship development. Here I want to show how we are every day unknowingly time to each other although we consider ourselves completely honest.

We think we are good educated people who respect the feelings of others. We believe that relationships need to be worked on, and this work lies in the ability to gently resolve controversial points willingness to endure and yield. Yes, relationships need work. But work is desire to always tell the truth. And nothing but the truth. And not only to speak, but also to radiate the truth. That is, we must stop constantly lying with our gestures, facial expressions, gaze ... How does all this happen?

We do not understand how to create a sincere relationship because we do not notice our own lies. Imagine that you do not want to communicate with your spouse. Yes, this happens to absolutely everyone, and you need to be able to admit it ... You may not want to communicate on different reasons: just tired and want to be alone, or you need to work, or you want to finish reading interesting book, or simply you do not feel the desire to communicate with your husband for no reason. To admit to yourself that you are not happy with your husband is already a feat ... But how to explain this to your beloved spouse? At the same time, the spouse starts a conversation with you benevolently and does not want to leave the room ... You will lie if you pretend that you are ready to maintain communication. You will lie even if you deliberately pretend to be very busy, reluctantly keeping up the conversation. Moreover, you will lie, even if you begin to hint very gently how busy you are. Or say that you want to be alone, but very far away... Sincere relationships exclude hints. Eliminate the need to say a thousand words instead of one sentence... Yes, you must respect each other. But respect is precisely manifested in speaking about everything directly. You respect your husband, so you don’t think that he can misunderstand you, be offended, and so on ... How best to answer your spouse if you want to be alone for no reason? Cover up with some business? No. It's better to just say: “You know, I really want to be alone right now. Please leave me alone in the room" . All. Nothing else is needed.

Of course, this is just one of a million situations where we tend to lie to each other. Perhaps you know how to be honest in this situation. But you lie regularly in other circumstances. For example, you pretend that you are very happy with some gift (perhaps you will be pleased with the very fact of giving, you should also pay attention to this), that you did not notice your spouse’s lateness (and everything is in full swing inside you), that you like him unusual creativity(it doesn't matter, poetry, music, painting or culinary masterpiece).

How to create a sincere relationship if we do not respect other people's opinions and do not compromise?

Do you think this approach excludes compromises and respect for other people's opinions? No, absolutely not! The desire to tell the truth does not mean that now everything should be just the way we want! The desire to tell the truth means that we We do not hide our emotions and desires. We understand that our partner can do things that we don't like. And we understand that in many cases we have to let him do it. But we do not accumulate negativity, internally protesting and swearing.

A typical example from my life. The husband is engaged in sound engineering, sometimes turning on his music through the speakers, and not through the headphones (of course, it’s all rightly called differently, but I write for ordinary people). This music annoys me. What to do? You can keep silent, holding back your irritation. You can start to make a fuss, demanding silence. Or you can just calmly say about your feelings - "This music annoys me." To which my husband calmly replies: "I'll turn it off in two minutes, I need to check." All. The conflict is over. I calmly expressed my emotions (I have not yet had time to accumulate negative, so I don’t even want to roll up a scandal). The husband calmly replied. He showed respect for my feelings, I showed respect for his work. The most surprising thing is that after such a conversation, unpleasant music ceases to irritate. If I had kept silent, I would have been internally furious all these two minutes, and then my tension would have resulted in some other situation.

Why are we afraid to create sincere relationships?

We are afraid of hurting the feelings of others. It is important to understand here that by moving to this level of sincerity, when everyone tells the other everything that he thinks and feels, we become above petty insults. When we get used to saying to another: "I'm sorry, I don't want to talk to you now," we stop being offended by: "You know, I don't like your meatballs." But when the cutlets are really successful, we hear sincere compliments and we believe these compliments... Because this is a real praise, and not a simple phrase on duty on the principle of "if only not to offend." And in such sincerity lies great respect for your spouse ...

If you are still afraid to speak the truth... Ask yourself, why are you lying. Most likely, the answer will come: "For the sake of maintaining peace and harmony in the family." Now you need to understand one simple point ... Whenever you lie, you accumulate negativity. And then it will definitely come out. In the form of irritation with a husband or children ... Perhaps you can pour it out outside the family. On colleagues, on girlfriends... Why?

When you lie, you think that you are maintaining harmony in the family. But it's not. On the contrary, you destroy harmony. Not only do you block the path of sincerity ... But then you break loose and create a scandal from scratch. Are such scandals a harmony? Do they strengthen the family?

What did I do after I learned how to create sincere relationships?

On paper, everything is fine... But how to put it all into practice? Does such a model of relationships really improve the atmosphere in the family?

Yes, my experience confirms this. Of course, you should not think that you will suddenly suddenly start telling each other the truth. I discussed with my husband the topic of creating a sincere relationship ... He supported this idea, albeit with some apprehension ... In fact, everything turned out to be not so scary! Indeed, when you yourself strive to speak openly about your feelings, you stop painfully reacting to some kind of criticism in response! Many issues began to be resolved much easier ... And relations became deeper ... The most difficult thing is notice when you lie. And it’s very cool when my husband points out my dishonesty. “What is that displeased voice again? Tell me how it is!” Or “You're lying again! You don't want to go there!" I am very grateful to him for his support!

Perhaps, after all, there are situations in which it is impossible to tell the truth. But I have not noticed such things yet... The main thing is that the other person supports the idea of ​​sincerity!

Let's cultivate sincerity! And create truly strong sincere relationships!

Each of us is periodically interested in the question, how sincere are the people around us? What do they really feel for us, and is everything really as they tell us? Everyone is afraid to make a mistake in the person they want to trust. So what is sincerity? Why do people need it at all?

What is sincerity?

Sincerity is one of the most valuable qualities person. Synonymous with this word are such concepts as honesty and truthfulness. Sincerity is when there are no contradictions between real feelings and how they are manifested and presented to others in words and deeds. A sincere person is one for whom "to be" and "to seem" are identical concepts.

Sincerity happens in communication, but it happens in relationships. If sincerity in communication implies a free and lively expression of one's feelings, then sincerity in relationships indicates the absence of a “second bottom” and is manifested not only in sincere words but in deeds and deeds. People are able to be quite sincere in communication, but at the same time to be cunning in business and relationships. And the most difficult case, this is when a person himself believes that he is doing the right thing, although somewhere in the depths of his soul he understands that this is not so.

What does "sincerely" mean? Meaning of the word

If we take the definition of the word "sincerely", then it means "truthfully" and "frankly." You can sincerely love, hate, respect, etc. Sincerity can be manifested in words, deeds, deeds. To do something sincerely means to do it from the heart, with pure intentions, without secret thoughts. If a person does something sincerely, the meaning of this act characterizes him. true attitude. After all, unfortunately, it often happens that people think one thing, say another, and do a third. In this case, it is difficult to figure out what a person really feels.

In order for people to treat you sincerely, you need to be honest yourself, and above all to yourself.

Often people engage in self-deception and come up with excuses for their actions. But if others feel false in your words or deeds, you should not count on a sincere attitude towards yourself.

Sincere person. The meaning of this expression

Who is a sincere person? How to define this concept? In a nutshell, a sincere person is not someone who tries not to pretend and lie to others. This is the one who can't do otherwise. On the contrary, it is much more difficult for him to play a role and dissemble. Most likely he won't be able to. It is very easy to deceive such people, because they measure everyone by their own measure and are used to trusting this world. If someone ever deceives them, they will simply consider it an unfortunate misunderstanding and will not lose confidence in everyone else.

A sincere person is like a child who has grown in mind, but has not grown in soul.

In fact, there are not so many such people. Unfortunately, it mostly happens that children, who are sincere by nature, lose this quality as they grow up. They begin to distrust this world and play some roles in order to achieve their desired goals.

Sincerity in the modern world

AT modern world a sincere person is a rarity. Sincerity is often perceived as ingenuity, which means stupidity and even a flaw. Simply put, this quality is interpreted as the inability to adapt to life situations. In our time, there is even such a thing as the degree of sincerity. You may be asked, "How sincere are you?" This is fundamentally wrong, because sincerity is akin to honesty. Being a little honest, as well as being not completely sincere, is tantamount to being deceitful and fake. At the present time of the race for survival, among the sea of ​​lies, falsehood and hypocrisy, few people can really remain sincere to the end. Only incredibly capable of this strong people or very stupid. Silly as little children. Only children are sincere in their naivety, which over time, after several deceptions and disappointments, along with gullibility, leave the growing baby. How to keep this feeling and is it necessary?

Why is sincerity needed?

Sincerity is a divine spark. She is pure as morning dew. In fact, this spark is present in every person, just behind the "trash" that accumulates in our souls, it is difficult to see it.

In fact, a sincere person will always attract others. With his truthfulness and purity, he will always touch the strings that everyone has. Just as there are few people who can offend a child, so few can be found who can harm a pure and sincere person. Talking with a person who remains honest under any circumstances, you can relax, knowing that this person will never be It is the feeling of anxiety and tension that is the scourge modern society. The more it will sincere people the easier it will be for us to live in this world.