Midlife crisis husband left for another. Middle age crisis. Men. Do husbands return to ex-wives during a midlife crisis

16.04.2019

Need to be accepted the right decision and how not to make a mistake again.
This summer we celebrated the 20th anniversary of our family. All together, as always, my husband and I and our children - my son is 19 years old, my daughter is 10 years old. A year ago I was absolutely happy man: a loving husband (I felt it), my son entered a good university, my daughter is smart. We didn’t live richly, but we always worked hard and made everything together, we did everything ourselves (repairs in the apartment, restoration of the “killed” dacha bought cheaper, the car was brought together from another city). We always tried to be together: as a family we participated in various city events (so that the children could feel the spirit of OUR FAMILY), we always met each other and saw each other off at the doorstep (including the cat), waved our hand from the window, each of us knew that they were waiting for him at home. Children grew up in love. My husband is a good father, he loves our children.
In the summer, I felt indifference on his part. All autumn it was hell: I felt that something was happening, and I could not understand what. Cooling is everything. I read about the midlife crisis in men, and about the crisis of a 20-year marriage. He stopped communicating with his son (the son is studying in another city). We need to know our children: they are used to the fact that we are always one for all and all for one, like a clenched fist. My son and I talk on the phone every day, and he did not understand why his father stopped calling him, at first he called himself, then he also stopped. I asked what was happening, to which my husband reminded me of some kind of resentment for all 20 years, about a midlife crisis and carried all sorts of nonsense. And in December, I found out that he had a woman (10 years younger than me, she works with him), her husband told me about their romance, she is married, has two children, good husband, i.e. wealthy family.
Her husband kept spying on them all autumn, said that they didn’t get to sex. On the same day, I presented everything to my husband, he confessed, you can’t argue against the facts. At first I decided that everything, the end, I could not live with him, and then I remembered how I was without him. Yes, ERROR (as in the movie "Love and Doves") was already 9 years ago, when my daughter was 1 year old, and my son was 10 years old. Then he left and hung out somewhere for three months, because. the fairy's square meters were not enough, but she lived with her son. My husband then accused me of leaving, that he had been putting pressure on him all his life, etc. 9 kg, at normal weight 54kg. My daughter was small, she did not understand, but my son saw how I was suffering, crying. And thanks to my parents for helping me. They took the children to their village for the summer, I went out to new job on the 2nd education (at 33 years old, my daughter was 1 year 3 months old). I howled for 3 months, I thought I would die, I need to master a new job, but my thoughts are going in the wrong direction. I counted the column on the calculator 10 times, it’s scary to remember. The summer ended, and he returned to the arrival of the children, but the fairy did not get rid of, so SMS came until they took me away in an ambulance with atypical sore throat. The doctors could not bring down the temperature for a week, the capillaries in the eyes burst, the pressure was low, I thought I would die again.
After that, he changed his phone number, the fairy got rid of it, and our life began to slowly improve. I tried very hard not to remember, he also tried, plus he was very ashamed in front of my relatives, especially in front of my parents. He doesn’t have his own and my RELATIVES, really. He said that in those three months he wanted to throw himself down from a high-rise more than once, he did not know how to get out of it.
And then I really lived in happiness, I saw that he loves me, that THAT was a mistake.
And now, 9 years later, it happened again. Now, when I asked what you lacked, he replied: snickering, bastard. He said that even if we get divorced, he will say that best wife than I can't wish for. I feel sorry for the children, especially the daughter, she feels everything, knows nothing, but is afraid that we will get divorced. Loves him terribly. I feel sorry for myself. For which I loved him, my family, everything is always for the sake of the family, on myself forever saved, at the beautician's never been. Also, I have always considered myself interesting woman, men look at me, and he sees it too. And now, during the autumn and winter, she has aged by 5 years, all the eyelashes have fallen out from tears, self-esteem is at zero.
We decided to try to move on. Yes, she didn’t say the main thing, of course, they don’t meet anymore. In her family, tear too. And yet, the fairy's husband told her to quit, so that they would not see each other again, but she refused. I also can’t imagine that they will constantly meet at work, I told my husband to quit. He did this despite having worked there for 18 years. Now he has to work at work with physical activity tired, of course. He is trying to make amends, and I have been crying for the 4th month now, because he betrayed me, children, OUR FAMILY.
How to live on? I do not know. I’m afraid, suddenly again. I swore on my grandmother’s grave that this would not happen again. And it’s a pity for him, because he has no one besides us: they don’t communicate with sisters and brothers, only my relatives are always there. she didn’t tell her about anything, everyone was told that he was laid off at work, mine also sympathize with him. If I tell him, no one will shake hands with him now.
And I do love him.

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Nora, age: 42 / 03/04/2014

Responses:

Nora! I recently heard somewhere phrase and meaning her like this: "The condemned will not be the one who sinned, but the one who did not repent."
Many of the women on this site would like their sad marriage story to end like yours. After all, many of us sin: and we condemn, and we are proud, and we envy.
So your husband was tempted, and he could not resist. But he repented before you. It is necessary, of course, to repent before God at confession, but if he is an unchurched person, he may simply not know this. And the fact that he had to leave his job is like a penance for him. Nora, I do not know anything about your spiritual life, whether you are a baptized person. But it seems to me that the cause of these troubles in your family and in your soul is life without God. Otherwise, you would casually mention it at least once. God sends suffering to a person not so that a person finally gets bogged down in his pain, but in order to come to his senses, turn to Him with a request, change something in his life. Here lived in your husband this craving for sin, for fornication, and he could not overcome it in any way, and then something happened that happened, and he wrested this passion out of himself. Through humiliation, job loss, shame in front of you and your children. It wasn't easy for him. And if your family begins to become churched, you will all come to confession together, begin to live a spiritual life, you will have a wonderful harmonious family. And you will forget what is haunting you now.

Yuliya, age: 48 / 03/04/2014

Dear Nora, this is what I want to tell you: draw your offense on a piece of paper, tear it up, burn it and throw the ashes out the window. The most important thing is that you love and are loved, and your loved one is alive and well and next to you. Everyone can stumble, because the other native person You would have already forgiven, become a little more selfish, why destroy what you live by. Just love, just be happy! Health to you and your family. Good luck!

Olga, age: 40 / 03/04/2014

Nora, fully agrees with Julia, 48. Only with God can you find peace. You don't have to be afraid of the future. If your husband quit his job and is trying to make amends, then this is an act. An act for you and for the sake of the family. Give him one more chance. You love him! And you need her. And he needs you. Work on yourself, try to forgive. Drive bad thoughts about future. They are from the evil one. And only with the Lord is further happiness possible. The Lord is calling you to Himself. you and your husband. Only if you don't go to Him again, this destruction can enter your life again. Don't waste time.

Ekaterina, age: 38 / 03/04/2014

Dear Nora! Usually I write some categorical advice, but in your case I have confidence that everything will work out for you.
You are a big smart Strong woman. It is felt in writing. You will definitely stand in this difficult situation together with your husband. He's really having a midlife crisis. Gotta get through it.
They perfectly understand how you feel right now. My husband is shared by two women at once. He got a new job in a young team. And almost masculine. Only in the accounting department they have two unmarried ladies who from time to time try to arrange their personal lives at the expense of other people's husbands. There was already more than one scandal on this basis with the wives of other husbands. So far, it has not been possible to get anyone married from them. As my husband's colleague told me with a malicious laugh, that these girls serve all their stag parties and corporate parties. Free and very convenient. So here it is. For two months I was completely unaware. She went crazy with horror and misunderstanding of what was happening. What happened to my beloved and beloved husband, who has changed beyond recognition? Two months of rudeness, moral torture and refined bullying. What I just did not hear enough, until I finally found out the truth. Believe it or not, I burst into tears of relief and kicked him out. I realized that one more day, and I simply will not be in this world. But I have a son (thank God, he was with my grandmother on summer holidays). I immediately refused to participate in dog fights because of my husband. And for a long time, I could not wash off the feeling of dirt, disgust and humiliation, into which I was plunged headlong. Half a year passed. I am slowly coming to my senses. support a good relationship with his parents. I resolve all issues with them. My husband's elderly father lost his legs for a week from such news. This is me to the fact that the brains and men completely fail during the dog rut, and they run over with a tank not only their families, but also their parents. Nora, in my relationship I made a decision and immediately put an end to it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive, but I definitely won’t be able to forget. My husband behaved very dirty and bestially. I completely isolated myself from him.
But you know, if a strong passion really happened to him and he spoke to me honestly and humanly, I would try to fight for my family. Your husband repents of his deed. So there is potential. Enlist the support of your loved ones and children, unite and save each other. Do not dissolve in your husband, pay attention to yourself, treat yourself with love. Be sure to love yourself (yes, yes, such an exhausted, roaring with a red nose). In one thing, your husband is right - he cannot find a better wife. If he is a fool and loses you, then you definitely will not lose yourself. Don't be afraid of anything! With you children, loved ones and your amazing ability to love with all your heart. Be yourself!

Yuu, age: 38 / 03/04/2014

Nora, my husband, like yours, left the family for three months a year ago and lived with a fairy. Although, what a fairy she is, a ladle without education and principles, and I filed for divorce. A week before the trial, he returned, without apology , without things (his own, which he dragged to his new home). Just asked not to push him away. We live now, I can say that I’m like a match, just a little something, these vile thoughts immediately begin to swarm in my head: “where was he at that time a year ago, but does he remember her?” And I just can't forget, forgive, etc.
After reading your story, I thought about what will happen to us in a year, two, five? New fairy? There are no people who change only once, unfortunately, this is a fact. Now repentance and vows, but what about tomorrow? There are no answers. Only God knows why we were given to go through this test. Maybe in this way the Lord averted more terrible troubles from us? We have healthy and beautiful children, we have a place to live and something to wish for, many do not have this and never will. Let's give thanks for our life as it is, it's still beautiful.
And God willing, everything will be fine, you just need to believe and He will fix everything.
Happiness to you.

Lana, age: already 38 / 03/04/2014

Nora,
listen to yourself. And make a decision when you are sure of it.

If you leave your husband, how will you live? regretting? Finding no place without him? Will you part with him only externally, but not let go internally? Then it's not a breakup. It's just an unresolved issue.

If you do NOT leave your husband, how will you live? regretting? Not finding a place with him? Will you be together only on the outside, but will you be alone on the inside? Then it will not be a family, but exhausting nerves in one separate apartment.

All relationships are really similar. But, nevertheless, there is always a difference.
In your case there is a very important point!!!
The husband himself had already explained to himself that he was snickering. And he called himself a bastard. These are not just words. This is his assessment of himself. And not every husband is capable of this. Many simply lock themselves in and cannot say anything. Or not capable. Your husband is both capable and capable. Not the most bad husband you, Norochka. Not the most.
Further.
If married lady already flew in from her husband, then she is unlikely to take risks further.
If she is, excuse me, normal. Without greetings.
If she is deviated from the norm, that is, with greetings, then the man will already understand this.
And, given the fact that everyone knows about their "love", he himself does not want to become a laughingstock.

Your husband needs a diet. Spiritual. It is very useful for him to realize that life in the family and lies on the side are different things. That that lady just used him. And he succumbed. And this is not a man's act.

Norochka, once again I urge you to listen to yourself.
There are men in the world who deserve our forgiveness. There is. But only you can feel it. And forgive.
I will say to myself that when I faced such a choice, I did not find a single argument in favor of Mr. Vishnevsky. And so far I have never regretted it. Forgiveness was simply impossible.
Yours is possible.
Listen to yourself. And give yourself a vacation by the sea. There, the brain always works better.
Is the wind blowing cobwebs out of them?

Nina Vishnevskaya, age: 44 / 03/04/2014

Nora, you are so young yet and it's so good! Well, because there is still strength to overcome, and there are many more years to use the wisdom that will become a logical continuation of this story.

God willing, everything will be fine with you. Leaving work is also an act on the part of the husband. This means that your family has potential. Everything will depend on the conclusions of you and your husband. For him, a lot of work on the bugs. For you - the acceptance of the fact that, given the unshakable truths of what is good and what is bad, not all people are equally strong and wise to resist evil. And the Lord deliberately allows someone to fall, so that he does not think much about himself and be more meek.
Of course, there are no and cannot be your mistakes in cheating on your husband - this is his responsibility. But rethink your attitude a little. Maybe this situation is for you and given?

Consider that cheating has no logical explanation. It's like the lack of logic in the fact that a person stumbled and fell. Yes, if you dig holes on the path and wind bumps, then they stumble more often. But it's not a fact: even on a bumpy road, others go smoothly, and on level ground, as you know, they stumble. So the opinion that if the relationship is ideal, then nothing threatens them - erroneous. Often we will line up very good, right relationship and we calm down, being satisfied with ourselves - we are great, everything is fine with us. And we forget to turn to God in prayer every hour to preserve our well-being. Fornication is the same disease, and she does not care what kind of family to break: ideal or not. Therefore, we must ask the Lord for strength, wisdom not to do things ourselves and ask to protect relatives from this. After all, a person is very weak and none of us has guarantees that our loved ones will not fall or that we ourselves will not fall. And without the Lord, without prayer, without the Church, all our "ideal families" are sandcastles.

And further. I paid attention to your words, saying that I saved on myself, I didn’t go to the salon for 5 years, everything is in the house, everything is in the family. I will not tell you hackneyed phrases about "a man loves with his eyes", about "you need to pamper yourself", etc. Here, indeed, a healthy measure is needed: you don’t need to decorate yourself with feathers, but it’s also harmful not to take care of yourself. Harmful for one's psychological state, harmful for one's femininity, not so then a woman's eyes sparkle from self-awareness, as they could.

But often a woman misses another important point: normal man nice to see and feel that he can please his wife. And including, if she spends a reasonable part of the money he earns on herself. He is pleased to see that his woman can afford to take care of herself, that she can buy herself a new thing, that her eyes light up with joy. From this, his self-esteem only grows. That is, if you feel good, then you will let it feel "good" loving husband. And therefore, it is impossible to neglect healthy self-care, because in the end the "saved amount" gives less good than mutual joy.

Lord, strengthen you in your difficult situation. Hold on - the family is worth fighting for in any case. Do everything in your power, and then as God wills. You'll be honest anyway a good man. And this is probably the most important thing.

Elena, age: 37 / 03/04/2014

Hello Nora!
I will join those who believe that your story will have a happy ending.
You acted wisely not making your husband's betrayal public, and not putting him under fire from your family, although it would be easier for you to endure the autumn-winter months with the support of your relatives. You are indeed a strong woman and a strong person in a good way.
Therefore, I think you will have the strength to forgive and believe again. After all, a family where "one for all and all for one" is worth a lot!
And, it seems to me, this test was sent to both of you not for liberation from each other - if the family is over, there is nothing to store and restore, but on the contrary, to change something, improve, deepen in relation to each other.
Be sure to give it a chance!
God bless you!

palma, age: 43 / 03/04/2014

Many thanks to everyone for the support.
Yuliya, my children and I are baptized, I go to church, but rarely. The husband says that he was baptized as a child, but he does not believe in God. He never enters the temple, he is waiting for me on the porch. And I still can’t convince him, he doesn’t want to live with God.
She lived and did not know that trouble was walking nearby. And now you have to live and constantly be on the alert, there is no longer any trust and will not be, because. an error occurs once, and if there is a repetition, then this is already a pattern.
And in general, probably, it is only women who need a friendly family, so that children grow up in love and harmony, and men, like aliens, are different. "With a slight movement of the hand" (or some other part of the body) they can break ALL LIFE, cross out all 20 years for me, and for the children, and for themselves too.
I read stories on the site and am surprised at the bestiality of men (you can’t call the majority men). Why complicate the life of yourself and CLOSE, RELATED PEOPLE? I sincerely do not understand them: after all, everything is so simple - live honestly the way you would like to be treated - and you will be happy. No, they are looking for ... adventures, and then they repent .......
Girls, thank you you all huge for participation, advice. Of course, I will try to save my family, I will try to forgive (I definitely can’t forget).
Health to you all and your children and parents! And patience to all of us!

Nora, age: 42 / 03/07/2014

Nora, hello!
Why are you clinging to something that no longer exists? There is no real family. There is a joint living, there is a visible shell. For whom and what? So that people do not think that you may have problems and difficulties. In your life there are solid dependencies: from your husband, from the opinion of your parents, from the opinion of others. And you forced your husband to quit. Typical controlling behavior of a codependent wife. I will not console you: Your position is beneficial to you. You like the role of the sufferer and bearer of your cross. If you wanted to change your life in order to try to become happy, you would do it. Instead, you alternate between being the victim and becoming the persecutor. own husband. Wake up, there's only one life! Get on with your life!

Light, age: 44 / 06/18/2014

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No wonder they say: "Gray hair in a beard - a demon in a rib." Closer to the age of 40, a midlife crisis begins in men: leaving the family, lovers, scandals, new habits - it all overtakes them like a snowball. How to behave in this case to the wife?

Midlife crisis in men - leaving the family:

What should a wife do?

40 years old: how does a man feel?

Feelings of a man who was overtaken by a midlife crisis are akin to the feelings of a 17-year-old teenager. All sensations are sharpened, he becomes a maximalist, his views and values change. What thoughts are in his head?

. "Where is the applause?" - this is a common problem of men who have achieved a lot in life: they have their own business or are top managers, their opinion is listened to at work, they are an authority for other people. And they begin to want recognition.

But the people around have not changed. The wife is still busy with everyday life (children, career, hobbies), children, who by that time have become teenagers, do not put a penny own father. When a midlife crisis in men overtakes, leaving the family for one that will admire and be touched (that is, a new young mistress) seems natural.

. “I am getting old and will soon become infirm,” a 40-year-old man thinks. Indeed, health begins to play pranks, then the heart will ache, then the liver will fail, and even problems will appear in bed. And the man begins to feverishly deal with his health (usually causing even more harm), visit gyms, where he meets beauties again. And then he begins to prove that he is "nothing yet" ...

. During a midlife crisis, there is a reassessment of values. And since during this period a man looks more like a maximalist teenager who is looking for real feelings and trying to live a “real” life (but in fact he is constantly looking for adventures on his own head), he begins to get bored with life. The wife seems unkempt, the children - harmful, it seems that everyone around is callous and selfish little people, busy only with themselves. Where will he seek solace? That's right, in the arms of another beauty who will show interest in his suddenly become sensual nature.

How to determine that "rush hour" has come?

Determining a midlife crisis in a husband is not so difficult. The combination of age 38+ and some behaviors will definitely tell you that the time has come.

. He became irritable. Reproaches with or without, the constant “why are you following me?” and "let me be alone!". Unfounded claims, often associated with accusations of callousness, dryness and selfishness.

. Out of nowhere, he took care of himself. Suddenly I decided that I needed to swing and go swimming. Classic example - fell in love extreme views sports or wanted to travel around the world, and, as a rule, alone.

. Interests have changed. My husband loved aeromodelling and now plays tennis. Or you used to dine with the whole family on weekends, and now he is playing poker with colleagues at this time. If he used to be a workaholic, now he can score at work, and vice versa.

. He demands attention and is offended if his wife does not exalt him. This classic desire hear those same "fanfare" in his honor.

. He got a mistress. This item combines the features of the previous ones and a few more "bonuses" in the form of random calls, incomprehensible SMS juice, frequent business trips and deadlines, lipstick on the collar and the smell of other people's perfume.

What should a wife do?

If a woman is faced with such a phenomenon as a midlife crisis in men, leaving the family can only be prevented if she experiences it with him and like him.

arrange a new Honeymoon. Be more romantic, change your hairstyle, give him more attention, love and affection, but do not joke with him!

Share his passion for new hobbies. Want to go to the gym? Go together, at the same time pull up the figure. Interested in mountaineering? Well, the mountains are calling!

Give him a little freedom, but do not forget to be genuinely interested in his new activities.

And be attentive, gentle and caring to him. Then no homeowner is terrible!

At the very core life path a man can stop and think: am I living the right way? And if before such thoughts did not have of great importance, now they suddenly began to literally devour from the inside. Everything familiar and valuable seemed to fall under a large magnifying glass, the man looked at his life from the side and doubted. This strange period of soul-searching scares not only men, but also their households. But there is nothing wrong and terrible in it. A midlife crisis is a natural phase that needs to be overcome with benefit and without panic. To act wisely, it is necessary to learn to identify the symptoms of this important period.

How long does a midlife crisis last?

It is impossible to say unequivocally how long the midlife crisis lasts for the male half of the population. It depends on many internal factors. Someone is so busy with personal life and work that they do not even attach importance to inner experiences, connecting them with current events. Others, on the contrary, fall into an emotional tornado and cannot get out of it for many years. Some men avoid the crisis - or they carefully hide it. And there are especially impressionable individuals who remain in a state of crisis for the rest of their lives.

Causes of a midlife crisis in men

"Gray hair in the head - a demon in the rib" - isn't the crisis to blame? Before certain age the male consciousness believes in immortality, and the man does not hear how it ticks The biological clock. He is full of energy, enjoys life and victories, ready to cope with any trials. But the hour of "enlightenment" comes, and age-related changes make themselves known for the first time. Men who by nature love to get, win and step over difficulties, begin to be afraid of old age. Everything that happens to the body is large complex factors that form the midlife crisis:

hormonal changes;
decreased libido;
deterioration of potency;
poor erection;
weight gain, the appearance of a "belly";
age-related changes in appearance, hair loss and gray hair.

Not only women experience menopause, men also experience a kind of “pause” in life. If in women aging begins with menopause, then in the stronger sex - with a decrease in testosterone in the blood and unpleasant surprises in sexual life. Feeling that the internal Casanova is losing ground, the man unconsciously panics. He is not at all ready to turn into an old man and be uninteresting for ladies. That is why forty-year-old men are trying at all costs to establish themselves in their former role of invader and conqueror. lonely or family man- never mind. He will search interesting acquaintances and flirt with women of all ages, and there are those who start. Each smile of a new acquaintance, an interested sparkle in her eyes is like a balm for a lost soul.

V young age a man is constantly searching for himself and trying to succeed in the most important points of his life. Having reached the fourth ten, a man looks back and evaluates what he has achieved, what status he deserves. Psychologists around the world emphasize that men suffer not only from a lack of achievement, but also from their a large number. This seems paradoxical, however, if the main male target- to achieve, to conquer, then, having received what he wants, a person is left without anticipation of future victories. And this is the main psychological reason middle age crisis.

By the age of 40-45, the main goals are usually achieved:

a career has been created (a warrior has asserted himself);
there is a wife and children (the man became the head of the family and established himself as a breadwinner);
a car was bought (you can conquer distances, demonstrating courage and speed);
a status in society was obtained (the man passed all the tests and was rewarded with universal recognition).

It would seem that you can live and enjoy, put your achievements on the shelf and admire. But this is impossible - a man needs new victories, he cannot do without regular approval and admiration. If the cufflinks are silver, then you need gold ones. But physical strength has already diminished. A woman who has been faithful for many years and supported at all crossroads is no longer able to re-evaluate his masculine splendor - she is completely fed up with him. And the man - the eternal Don Juan - cannot live without female attention and admiration. He loves his companion, but with her it is so hard to believe that old age is just around the corner, and he is still sexy and strong. A man falls into a psychological trap and begins to get out of it with all his might.

Such a phenomenon as a midlife crisis in men is always associated with uncertainty. This is another fear of a forty-year-old man. Years have passed, awards have been received - and what's next? Will he become impotent and play solitaire for the rest of his life? Or do you need to sound the alarm right now and start new life? A man is not afraid of numbers, he is afraid of himself. A new self he doesn't know. The man looking out of the mirror is not a male and not a conqueror. This is just a sad creature with a non-working phallus and graying hair. The male psyche is not able to survive such a blow. To lose the efficiency of the phallus is the same as to bury alive a male in himself, who longs for conquest, but cannot get out of this aging shell.

A man is sure: without an erection, a woman will not need him. So elderly age felt so painful and inadequate. Depressing thoughts, cheating, pessimistic pictures of the future - this pushes a man to search for love adventures. As a rule, they choose very young and sexy mistresses, believing that it is possible to improve potency in this way. Men over 40 are always tense, preoccupied and inconsistent. For many, relations with their wives deteriorate, even purely everyday communication comes down to conflicts, not to mention the intimate sphere. Mutual understanding in the family is completely lost, the midlife crisis becomes the director of all life.

Symptoms of a midlife crisis in men

“I’ve completely lost my mind” - this is often heard about forty-year-old men, and not at all out of the blue. A midlife crisis is a kind of ailment that has its own symptoms. In many men, they are identical, but can manifest themselves with different intensity. It is important for households to understand: men go crazy not of their own free will, but through fault hormonal adjustment and a shattered, suffering psyche. What happens to a man in a crisis?

Protracted. It would seem that a strong and successful dork simply cannot mope. For others, this is nonsense, but for a man - a real mental torture.
Self pity. A man can literally "whine" for every reason, like a wounded dog. And this is only part of the suffering, the worst is deep inside. It is very important not to shame a man, but to listen and tune in for good.
Internal desolation. When an abyss appears between a man and his youth, all the stimuli of life irretrievably drown in it. It is very difficult to go through alone, a man really needs support.
Self dissatisfaction. The man gets the feeling that it was his life that failed, it was he who lost and remained in the grip of this trap.
Career dissatisfaction. Even if he is the owner of a big business, he will still find something to cling to. Everything could have been done better, but he failed. And if his peers were able to achieve more than him, it hurts even more. The impulsive desire to quit everything and start life anew is constantly tormenting, tearing from the inside. There is so little time left, and there will definitely not be a third chance.
dissatisfaction with personal life. The most unloving wife and the most ungrateful children are only with him. The rest of the men are happy, they are loved, idolized and respected.
Fear for your health. The man turns into a real hypochondriac. Any minor sore can cause him an internal panic. And the wife becomes guilty of not treating and caring well enough.

The symptoms of a midlife crisis are very dependent on the character of the man. Weak people begin to drink excessively, get carried away gambling, endlessly find fault with his wife and children, start love on the side. Those who are stronger in soul, hold back the negativity inside, try to gather strength and direct energy for the good: they immerse themselves in work, hobbies, communication with friends.

How to overcome a midlife crisis

40 years old - this happens to everyone. This is one of life stages which must be experienced with dignity. It is at the age of 40 that a person begins to see his victories and defeats from the outside, compare them with the dreams of his youth and draw legitimate conclusions. It is impossible to realize every single dream. And you can’t blame yourself for what didn’t materialize. Life is not over yet, and there will be many achievements ahead. And the experience gained in youth will help not to make the same mistakes.

The past needs to be let go, it has done its job and left invaluable skills and abilities. It’s better not to waste time regretting what you can’t fix and relive. Focus should be on important things, those that are needed in the future and will be beneficial.

If a man under 40 has remained single, this is not a reason to put an end to himself. Childbearing functions did not stop, but physical forces still allow to active image life. You can just change your aura: change car, job, make new friends. Many forty-year-old men successfully meet the fair sex and create complete families. 40 year old husband is reliable rear for consort and wise, loving father able to provide for a family.

How to help a man overcome a crisis?

Male midlife crisis is always a difficult test for the second half. Read about it on our website. It is especially painful for the wife if the husband is mentally weak or prone to despotism. Such a man does not want to blame only himself for his failures. He puts the responsibility on his wife: she didn’t love enough, didn’t appreciate his successes, didn’t give an incentive to achieve, that’s why he became such a loser and impotent, and with another woman he would be able to develop a huge business and lose his experiences. To better understand a man, learn more about. Even more a difficult situation occurs when a man's midlife crisis coincides with

Often, wives suffer in silence, not knowing how to survive a midlife crisis with their husband and not fall into the mud face. He perceives calmness as indifference, and any remark - immediately with hostility. But there are a number of rules, following which, a woman can smooth out psychological discomfort in a relationship and let her husband know that she is not indifferent and is ready to help him survive this difficult period.

- - Restrained behavior. A man in crisis is like difficult teenager- he will not listen to comments, and any dispute will turn into an inflated conflict. Let him express himself and at least a little lighten his soul. Not he, but his depression, is in control of the situation, so it’s not worth being offended by a man in a crisis: it’s more expensive for yourself.
  - Regular praise. Even if you have to openly flatter, it will still seem like a healing balm to a man. You need to praise him often, for any reason, comparing him with colleagues and friends - and exposing your husband to best light. Then he will not have to seek self-affirmation somewhere on the side, he will rush home to wise wife generous with praise.
  - Faith in the future. Men in crisis experience a breakdown, their self-esteem goes down. They think they are no longer capable of anything. If a woman manages to convince the sufferer of this, proving to him that 40 years is far from being old, and there are still many achievements ahead, the situation will improve significantly. But for this, the wife needs to believe in her man herself.
  - The moral support. If a man feels an urgent need to change something in life - a job, a car, a style of dress - a woman needs to support this zeal. Naturally, within reasonable limits. Most of all, a man now needs support and inspiration.
  - Improvement intimate relationships. The greatest panic in men causes a weakening of potency. But it is difficult to admit to oneself that age is to blame, so a man blames his wife, and in the worst case, takes on a young mistress. Few of the wives will be able to forgive such a betrayal - here an excuse in the form of a crisis will no longer fit. But there is also wise women who step over resentment because they understand: the husband did not change because the feelings are gone, but because he is scared and alone in the face of powerless and ugly old age, which has already shown its appearance from beyond the horizon. It is possible to prevent betrayal and increase self-esteem for a man - you just have to think about how to diversify intimate life than surprise. Find out from our article.

The age of the onset of the crisis varies from 37 to 42 years - this is one of the most difficult periods in a man's life. It is also sometimes called the "forties fatal". How to survive a midlife crisis with minimal disruption? Psychologist's advice - for men and their wives.

If the crisis of a man's thirtieth birthday mainly affects his overestimation of his social role, concerns the choice of the way of work, self-determination in life, and at the same time personal life suffers much less, then at forty - this is a real disaster.

There are several reasons for this - and they are not comparable with the causes of the identity crisis.

First, it is the age of debriefing. If a man considers himself successful by the age of forty, that is, his social ambitions are satisfied, then he is a winner. And the winner needs an award and a pedestal, and thunderous applause, and admiring glances. The man is a hero! His family is in order, everything is in its place. He performs the role of the head of the family, in his opinion, perfectly. He has hobbies, his circle of friends, external attributes of success. The world simply must admire his achievements. And who inhabits this world? Did his wife, who went with him all the way of his formation, saw both a “broken nose” and despair? She has long ceased to praise her husband and admire him, and treats his successes as something quite natural. Sometimes he will say: “You are great! It would be necessary to have this…” - and calmly continue the conversation about family needs. Not those "copper pipes" that he craves male pride oh, not those!

Perhaps the father is admired by his children, who have reached his fortieth birthday. adolescence? I can already see your smile, we won't even discuss it. Everything is clear here.

So who will appreciate the feat of the hero? Who will look at him with loving eyes, full of admiration and delight? You know this very well too! Young women captivated by the image of the "alpha male". And the point here is not that the man was drawn to exchange "an old forty-year-old wife for two young twenty-year-olds." And not that he is corrupted or corrupted. He needs success like air! And the wife is in no hurry with a laurel wreath - or appears at the wrong time and inopportunely. And there are so many enthusiastic girls around ... "If not now, then when?" - the man thinks. He is haunted by the question: “What am I worth in life?” - and a person is looking for an answer not from colleagues and friends, this is a passed stage. He wants the admiration of women. Now the main thing for him is the attitude towards his powerful personality.

Fear is mixed with the hunger for recognition. Forty is not twenty or thirty. The man exchanged his fifth ten. It is not known how much is left male life where is the triumph?

Yes, here the body also tells you: youth flows away like sand through your fingers. The lungs, liver, blood vessels, stomach, heart begin to fool around ... The man suddenly realizes that old age is not far off, that all the best is left behind, that he will soon begin to lose strength, that nothing can be turned back, that he is getting old.

The first signs of erectile dysfunction complete the gloomy picture. Dear ladies, do not try to understand what this means for a man. Cellulite, wrinkles and other minor troubles that disturb us cannot give even a shadow of an idea of what a man feels! Any change in the hormonal level, anxiety, fear of impotence, reduced potency, erectile dysfunction in the middle of life cause men to panic.

Impotence for a man is the end of life, the curtain. Forever.

One day we were having a philosophical conversation with a middle-aged gentleman. We talked about the meaning of life and death. And he exclaimed: “Death! It is natural and it is waiting for everyone! But it's better to die before you realize that you can no longer! That's what's (really scary! ) He was sincere.

The man becomes withdrawn, irritated. He looks at himself in the mirror: it seems to be nothing, not an old man. And in my head it knocks: “Soon you will become old and feeble. Hurry while there is gunpowder in the powder flasks. And he's in a hurry...

Desperately rushes to restore health, sometimes causing harm to himself. This scares me even more. And given that testosterone, the hormone of aggressiveness, splashes into the blood during stress large volumes, then you can easily imagine the situation in the house of an aging man. It doesn't seem like much to anyone. And the “scapegoat”, as a rule, is the wife.

At the age of forty, in men, all the suffering is focused on his potency and intimate achievements. Self-identification suffers, because, as we already know, the phallus for him is a symbol of success and victory, prosperity and male power.

He is absolutely sure that his relationship with his wife has become obsolete, feelings have evaporated, only debt remains. A sense of duty is what inspires a man the least during the forties. A sense of duty cannot make him happy, quite the contrary. Therefore, during a crisis, a man claims that his wife tortured him, it is she who does not give him the opportunity to breathe. full chest and feel young. The matrimonial bed is getting cold. And the wife is also “to blame” for this.

A man feels that no one understands him, he is infinitely lonely, everyone needs something from him (something is needed, but no one needs him. He can become sentimental, shed tears. The very fact of tears, self-pity and sentimentality become for a man a sign of intolerable unhappiness. "If I cried, then life is really terrible."

The following text can be printed and attached with a magnet to the refrigerator, so as not to bother the missus with “composing” the reasons for discontent and disappointment.

You have become unsexy and uninteresting. Like a man in a skirt.
There is nothing to talk about with you, you have no interests other than household chores and your girlfriends.
You have ceased to understand me, in the family I am completely alone.
You don't play sports, so you're blurry and flabby.
You're only busy with your career and rags.
You treat me like a consumer.
I need freedom, and you are constantly spying on me.
I plowed all my life, now I want to live for myself.
At home - continuous problems, it's you who raised the children like that! I was busy working, earning money. And what you were doing, it is not clear.
You always talk to me with metal in your voice.
I'm an idiot for putting up with all this! I have one life!
Don't ask stupid questions! You still don't understand what's wrong with me.

The changes that a man craves at forty are already touching the foundations of his well-established life. This is a jailbreak where a witch rules the show. And there are so many beautiful and kind fairies around! This is a breaking of everything habitual and settled, this is a thirst for a “different life”. Truly different!

Average age- this is when you can still do everything the same as before, but you prefer not to do it.

The male crisis of forty years is an earthquake of ten points. The man is on the run. Everything goes haywire, the thirst for freedom rolls over. Neither work nor habitual hobbies save. Everything is devalued. Only the last car of the outgoing train is important, which you can jump into on the go. And the man is jumping!

Yes, it is at forty that a man craves romantic relationship, « high feelings”, sincere acceptance of oneself, without any claims and reservations. In this respect, he is similar to a teenager and thinks and feels just as anxious and vague.

At forty, having become more sentimental and vulnerable, a man does not just start an affair to test his sexual viability. Not! He falls in love! He needs understanding and unconditional recognition. His soul needs inspiration, as in his youth. And this can only be given by a woman who is not like his wife.

There's another one here interesting point. If a man by the age of forty begins to decrease the amount of testosterone, and this is what makes him more sensitive and sentimental, then a woman, on the contrary, becomes more self-confident, stronger. And a man needs soul mate, tender and sensual. It is such a woman who becomes sexually attractive to him. And the man begins to think that he will no longer return to the family. Who will voluntarily return to prison!

It is during this period that the peak of divorces falls. If a man divorced and created new family- with a good fairy, of course - after a while he will begin to compare her with " old wife”, try to create a copy of it.

I have encountered situations that look more like the theater of the absurd than real life. From them you can see what confusion is going on in the head of a man.

“We got married in the fifth year of the institute, both were a little over twenty. We grew professionally together. Then a daughter and a son appeared one after another. The wife was more concerned with children than with a career. And all my life I worked, worked, worked ... We lived together for twenty years. The wife became native, almost like a mother. We live like close relatives. But we are still young! No romance, no feelings. Life has become grey. A year ago I met a woman. Everything is like in twenty years: wings behind the back. With my head, I understand that, probably, these new feelings will someday also end. And suddenly not? But I don't want to leave my family either. You can't throw twenty years out the window. I'm ashamed in front of the children, they definitely won't understand me. How can I leave them all? This is where I break into pieces. I can't see my wife! She knows everything. The irritation is huge. I can’t look children in the eye, I’m ashamed of the thought of leaving the family. I go to the forest and cry there. I'm breaking into pieces. Hell of a torment! And crazy love, and despair, and shame, and the impossibility of living like this anymore ... All in one bottle. How can I fix all this? Maybe everything will sort itself out somehow?

And this person sincerely believes that he can somehow settle everything, everything will fall into place by itself. And the wolves will be full, and the sheep are safe. He can even declare to his wife, who has learned about her mistress: “Well, why are you so worried! I'm not going to marry her! I am not leaving my family. Give me some freedom!"

And he says this, confusing his forty with sixteen, and his wife with his mother. His wife decides that her husband has either gone mad or lost both his mind and conscience.

In reality, the husband really needs the support and help of his wife, but does not know how to ask for it, how to explain the terrible thing that is happening to him. Since a man behaves aggressively and inexplicably, he is condemned and repulsed in response. The crisis will someday end, but the suffering man does not know about it. His problem is "forever".

If you misjudge the situation and misbehave, any woman who does not stint on chanting the virtues of your chosen one will seem to him against your background. fairy fairy. In order not to make a mistake, not to get angry and not to start to be jealous of your husband for all the surrounding women, try to put yourself in his place. Remember how you feel when thoughts of near old age begin to creep into your head. Terrible feeling, isn't it? So, all women's worries and anxieties about wrinkles and gray hair cannot be compared with one main male fear- Fear of becoming impotent. Therefore, middle age causes real panic in them - the feeling of their physiological omnipotence begins to slowly dull, but the presence of strength and the circulation of sexual energy in the body are still very tangible. This is where this thirst for new exploits and a surge in sexual activity come from.

Midlife crisis in men: leaving the family, or "daddy is 17 again"

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AND the main role here assigned to the wife, the keeper family hearth. No matter how destructive and repulsive a man’s behavior may be, it is important not to cut in haste, but to try to understand him and help him during this period. Psychologists give some advice on how to help cope with the manifestations of the age crisis in her husband.

Important

try to understand psychological condition your spouse Of course, now your husband is not a gift, but he has an excuse - he is going through one of the most difficult times his life and can count on your support. This does not mean that you need to become a hostage to his depression and give up yourself and your desires, because such a position will only worsen the situation. Find golden mean and be for him true friend, a helper he can trust, but not a victim.

Husband's midlife crisis: how a wife can survive a difficult period

He craves admiration and approval, needs self-affirmation and often starts an affair on the side to prove to himself that he is still capable of winning women's hearts.

Work is also changing. A man either begins to make a strenuous career, in an attempt to achieve the position that he dreamed of in his youth, or vice versa is disappointed, gives up and loses all interest in his work. Wealthy people often retire for the sake of spiritual pursuits.

difficult task

Age crises

My husband has a midlife crisis: how to save a family

Midlife Crisis: How to Help Your Husband minimal losses, our advice will help you with this.

Let your partner's behavior not affect your self-esteem in any way - you must understand his condition and not take his reproaches personally.
If, in an attempt to find the culprit, he starts to offend you, in no case do not inflate the conflict, try to gently translate the topic, and most importantly, do not try to get angry at a man who is experiencing a midlife crisis. Believe me, pity is more appropriate here.
Do not express insults to him and do not swear in front of children, even if they are 18 years old. Without respect for his own family, a man will not cope with the crisis.
If he decides to sweep away the work, support him, but just don't make any sacrifices.

If your husband is having a midlife crisis

Low salary? You don't have to take it all material support family, let the husband take care of more decent earnings.

Take care of yourself and get in shape. Middle age should absolutely not affect your attractiveness. A beauty salon, a gym, a new dress - let the husband continue to be proud that his chosen one is so beautiful.
Go on vacation with your husband.
If he now needs thrills - let your vacation also become extreme, there are enough such offers on the tourism market. For a depressed husband, passive pastime is more suitable - for example, on a sunny beach, with right approach the zest for life will return soon.
And finally main advice- during a midlife crisis, try to be a friend to your husband first of all, support him and his undertakings.

The crisis ends when a man sets himself new somehow global goals, redefines his place in life. And often this is the same place that was. And now, a man who left the family wants to return back. But here there are a lot of obstacles. It turns out that the wife does not want to understand his "mental turmoil" and is greatly offended by everything that he managed to tell her during the period of his and her reassessment.

And here all the wisdom, all the good will of the wife is needed in order to take back this "lost wanderer." And often the help of a psychologist to help spouses ... no, not "return the past", but to create a new family, taking into account the experience. Meanwhile, a midlife crisis a great opportunity become smarter, calmer, stronger and (attention!) more attractive to women than ever before.

Midlife crisis in men: what it is and how to survive together

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home » Relationships and family » Husband has a midlife crisis: how to save a family 05 03 2017 Valentina No comments yet After forty years, a very difficult period begins for men - it's time to take stock. But what should a woman do when her husband is having a midlife crisis? After all emotional conflicts, overcoming all the representatives of the stronger sex at this fateful time, are reflected in behavior and actions, which is why life with a familiar partner sometimes becomes simply unbearable. How to save a family? Is it possible to help your husband survive the midlife crisis? There is a solution, but it is quite difficult, the only way out is to be patient and show wisdom.

See also Why female wisdom in a relationship with a man is so important? It is an undeniable fact that female wisdom in relations with a man is the main guarantee of a happy family.

How to survive a midlife crisis in men - psychology

In such a situation, the main thing is not to become an amoebic fish and cut off from reality, because it was the same in the last family, and the man left this. This should always be remembered by a young woman, as she herself may find herself in the same situation. A woman should definitely find a hobby, passion, constantly improve and develop herself so that your man does not lose interest in you.

There is another version of the development of events, it is more common. This is when, after a divorce, a man and his young wife begin to live together and soon realize that they are still not suitable for each other, their passions have subsided, there is no need to hide from anyone, all the movement has disappeared. On the other hand, a woman understands that she no longer has the freedom that the ball used to have, that she can no longer afford to meet her girlfriends in the club until the morning, short dresses and high heels, as a house, a husband and a stove are waiting for her.

Midlife crisis: why are men leaving?

A person looks back and tries to evaluate the past years from a new, more mature position. What are spent best years What has been achieved, do you have the strength to move on? If the answers to these questions are disappointing, self-disappointment sets in, heavy worries about wasted time. Even if a man has realized himself in one or more areas, has reached heights in his career or business, he has a wonderful family, he is quite successful, the crisis will somehow manifest itself in the depreciation of his past achievements, in a desperate desire to catch up or spiritual searches.
Former goals seem small and insignificant, priorities change, and a person seriously thinks about the meaning of life, tries to find something to occupy his mind and heart with.
The next one is the mid-life crisis, the age of the new identity. After that, those who successfully coped with the crisis or did not experience it at all enter a period of emotional stability, maturity and dedication. But in Lately psychologists are beginning to highlight another crisis - the crisis of ambition. It overtakes young people in the period of 22-28 years and is associated primarily with the severity of professional implementation. Symptoms of a midlife crisis: - Insomnia, soreness, despondency, fatigue, inability to concentrate, thoughts about what was not going to or did not have time to do, regrets, inexplicable and uncontrollable desire for something (a silver Porsche) or someone (that redhead from the personnel department).