Doubt. distrust. Distrust of a partner is the enemy of harmonious relationships
DOUBT
- If you have decided something, you need to go to the end, - he said, - but at the same time, you need to take responsibility for what you are doing. What exactly a person does does not matter, but he must know why he does it, and act without doubts and regrets.K. Castaneda. Journey to Ixtlan.
Doubt and uncertainty create a lot of problems in our lives.
How often have you said to yourself:
"I can hardly do it"
"- Is it worth it to start?"
"And what if it doesn't work"
"- Am I doing the right thing?"
These and similar thoughts raise obstacles to the realization of our intentions, take away our strength, weaken us.
Not believing in something does not mean at all that it will not happen or that it must happen. It all depends on our intentions anyway. We create our own life. And we ourselves create these obstacles, overcoming which we prove to ourselves that we can do something in life, achieve something. These thoughts and feelings have an understanding that we have harmonious intentions. They make us believe in the harmony of our choices and make more efforts to achieve our goals.
So is it worth it to do double or triple the effort?
Is it worth overcoming the difficulties that we create for ourselves?
If you want difficulties - take a backpack and go hiking in the mountains. And you will get difficulties, and a lot of pleasure.
Are you afraid to make a mistake, to do something wrong? You shouldn't be afraid of this. Any result is just a result. He is neither good nor bad. Our actions are always harmonious. By and large, there are no wins, no losses, no mistakes. Stop playing the game good - bad, better - worse. We are learning all our lives. On their own or others' mistakes. Any situation can teach us something.
So is it worth predicting events in advance?
Learn to take failure as a lesson, as a means feedback, and the obstacles in its path - as an opportunity to try something new. Change your attitude towards doubt! Treat them as allies.
Let's think about this for you. For a long time (from the moment of birth), certain stereotypes of thinking were introduced into our subconscious mind that forced you to act in one way or another. For example, you have heard many times that cancer is an incurable disease. Many doctors say this because they were taught that way. They write about it in textbooks and newspapers, talk on TV and radio. This means that this thought is deeply seated in your subconscious. And suddenly you decide to change your thoughts and act differently.
You make another thought-form:
"Cancer is a curable disease if I take responsibility for its occurrence and cure, and do not shift it to external factors and on doctors. If, in order to cure it, I eliminate subconscious causes and connect internal resources that are inexhaustible."
This is where DOUBT comes in. It informs you that other information is recorded in the subconscious mind. DOUBT guards your old beliefs. It literally asks you again: "Are you sure that you want to replace the old thought forms with new ones?"
It's like when the computer asks you again: "Are you sure you want to erase the old information?"
And here you have a choice. You can return to old beliefs, and then nothing will change, or confirm the need for new thought forms.
DOUBT is your ally who takes care of your sense of responsibility.
When you get rid of uncertainty and doubts, you will probably think about upcoming events like this:
"Any result of my actions is always desired result which helps me make further necessary actions. I enjoy every situation in life and important lessons".
To get rid of uncertainty and doubt, you need to take everything in your life into your own hands. That is, take responsibility.
If you want to achieve some goal, then formulate the right intention, relax and calm down. What you need will surely come to you at the very right time and in right place.
Gaining confidence is very easy. Confidence is a product of believing in yourself. The world you live in is your world, you create it. And therefore, what you want to receive in your world is bound to happen.
"Let everyone be rewarded according to his faith!"
To believe in yourself or not to believe is a matter of choice. If you choose not to believe, you create uncertainty and doubt in your life. And if you make a choice in favor of faith, then you gain inner strength.
Faith gives your intentions and your actions and your whole life required type and direction.
© Valery Sinelnikov - "Love your disease"
MISTRUST
There is a story about a samurai who came to a Zen master and asked him to explain the difference between heaven and hell. The Zen master looked at him and said he didn't want to waste time on a fool like him. The samurai was furious and drew his sword, threatening to cut down the old teacher. The Zen master stopped him and said:Sir, this is hell.
The samurai was amazed at the wisdom and strength of this old man. He sheathed his sword and bowed respectfully. Master said:
- And this, sir, is paradise.
Our distrust is our hell. When we enter the bubble of distrust, we enter a very dark place. In this bubble we are imprisoned in our own negative beliefs, perceptions and expectations. They inhibit our ability to feel and appreciate love and beauty. Distrust is easy way flight, because there is no risk in it. It is accepted in society, and therefore we easily find support for our own distrustful beliefs and opinions. It takes a lot of courage to move in trust.
Most of the time we live in distrust. It is easy to provoke it in us. When someone's actions or words make us feel like we've been disrespected, we find ourselves betrayed and enter the familiar world of retreat, isolation, separation, withdrawal, anger and resentment. In the same world we can find ourselves, experiencing difficult life circumstances. Maybe we have moments of trust, but deep down, inside, there remains a grain of doubt. With relaxation and acceptance, we would feel intrusions or troubles no less sharply and painfully, but we would quickly let them go. Instead, they register in the deep inner space of resentment. There is no security, and we do not feel that people and lives are needed. Our natural innocence and trust in existence has been damaged, and Emotional Child looks at us with eyes of wariness and suspicion.
Once provoked, every resentment and intrusion that we have been subjected to but have not been able to feel and digest comes to the surface. We store every insult to our dignity and integrity in an internal "bank of insults." When we experience resentment in current life, revives each happened before. It's a bubble of distrust. Inside it Emotional Child protect and guard all the negative, disturbing beliefs of those who raised him. When we are in a bubble, we literally believe we are seeing the truth. Expecting the worst, we live in a constant state of fear that we will again be abused or invaded, as we have been in the past. We believe we will never get what we need, will never be understood, will never be respected, and will always be attacked.
Because of the attacks and betrayals we suffered as children, the bridge between us and others has long been broken. When we start a relationship in this life, any relationship, we are already in a bubble of distrust, although we may feel open and full of hope. Most of the time, the trust we feel is unrealistic. This is the fantasy of the magical thinking of the Emotional Child in us. Soon the other does something that feels like disrespect or intrusion and we are back to our normal state of distrust. And we are fully convinced that all our misgivings that it is dangerous to open up and trust are confirmed. From the bubble of mistrust, looking through the eyes of an incredulous Emotional Child, we mistakenly see that the other person is the problem. We believe that we could open up if the partner was just a little more sensitive or open. Living in a bubble, we firmly believe that we can only trust someone who will treat us according to our expectations.
One woman said she broke up with her partner because he was "not attentive enough to her feelings." When we reviewed her other experiences with men in the past, it became clear that, somehow, none of them could live up to her expectations. I asked this woman for a moment to put myself in the position of her former partner and see how he felt in a relationship with her. Almost immediately, she began to cry. Speaking for him, she saw how much love he felt for her and how helpless he was because he did not have the slightest opportunity to live up to her expectations. Gradually, she was able to understand that expectations kept her safe. They created a barrier between her and anyone she approached, protecting her from having to be vulnerable.
Let's take a closer look at how distrust rules the mind of the Emotional Child.
a) Our original flow with life has been damaged. We were left with a distrust of life and people and unconsciously withdrew into our own world.
b) Now we cannot see with eyes of trust, and our current vision is clouded by past experiences of attack and betrayal. Deep inside we expect it to happen again.
c) At the same time, we have a thirst for love. We admit somewhere inside that it is unhealthy for us to remain walled up in our own safe, protected and isolated world. We are trying to open up to someone.
d) Unexamined wounds force us to repeat the history of invasion and betrayal. We open up, but - because of the wound of mistrust - with hidden conditions and expectations. We don't really open up, we have a plan for the other to carry out. We expect the other not to attack us or betray us.
e) We provide another with certain " probation”, during which he (a) continues to shine in the rays of our idealization. But as soon as we feel invaded or betrayed, we simply retreat back to our own safe, isolated world and make sure our negative beliefs are confirmed. We end up right where we started.
How do we get out of the bubble of mistrust?
As with all bubbles—shame, shock, or absorption—the first step is to recognize that we are in a bubble. For me, the key was to remember that current situations only serve to irritate the great and deep distrust that I carry inside. If all past grievances had not come into play, I could simply assess the situation, clearly see it and the person involved in it, and adequately respond. Our internal reactions and external responses should not be polluted by all the past hurts, betrayals and intrusions that we have experienced. Opportunities to learn to separate the stimulus from the source are presented all the time in our daily life. Any little thing can send us on a journey through a whole world of inner mistrust. But if we manage to bring more awareness into these moments, we can begin to separate the present from the past and withdraw the charge from the stimulus.
As with other bubbles, we need to learn the history of our own mistrust. Why do certain situations in our present life cause us to react so strongly? Why do these situations occur so often? The answer lies in our history of distrust. History repeats itself. People will provoke us in the same way they have in the past when we have been invaded or betrayed. Knowing how it happened when we were younger sheds light on what is happening today. The key is to withdraw the energy and focus from the stimulus and redirect it to the source - and feel the wound. This means: to know the history of invasion and betrayal. This is the origin of our Emotional Child. As we explore it, we gradually react less and less to people or events in the present.
…People who trust themselves
trust others.
People who don't trust themselves
can't trust anyone else.
From trust in yourself, any other trust arises...
Osho
EXERCISES
1. If you could express feelings of distrust in words, what would you say? Let yourself hear everything inner voices distrust. Take the time to write them down as you become aware. These are the beliefs you carry about yourself and about life.
2. How do these beliefs affect your lifestyle, especially your close relationships and relationships with people in general?
3. What past experiences have caused you to have these incredulous beliefs?
What do you remember about the attack on you and the betrayal?
4. Review the list of patterns of distrusting behavior that is characteristic of you. How does this behavior help you avoid the deeper wounds of distrust?
5. How is distrust provoked in your current life?
Consider how and what exactly the people in your life are bringing distrust to the surface in you.
6. Choose the three closest people. Look at them through the eyes of an incredulous Wounded Child. Write down what you see.
Now close your eyes and imagine looking at each of them with eyes without expectation. Write down what you see. Is there a difference? Does anything change when you look at them without expectations?
1. Our natural state- innocence and trust.
But this natural state is buried under a deep-rooted distrust of life and other people. Now our habitual state is distrust, which is easily provoked every time we feel unloved and disrespected.
2. Our distrust is a bubble, a trance state. Being in it, we live in the past. We observe real reality through a veil stained with old traumatic experiences. From the trance state, we approach situations unconsciously, already charged with expectations. Thereby attracting behavior that echoes previous hurtful experiences. Then we relive the trauma and our distrust is confirmed. It becomes a painful vicious cycle.
Our distrust is further strengthened by the hope that someday we will eventually find the right person or change who we are with now and be treated the way we want. Life appears as codependency in distrust.
Once we begin to see and understand that the bubble of mistrust is based on past experiences, something profound begins to change in our lives. Each time distrust is provoked, it naturally traps us in beliefs and patterns of behavior. But in these moments, we can remember that we have been caught in the bubble of distrust before, and we know what this trance is.
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No. 11 [Smena, 2012]
Detectives, science fiction, action-packed novels, prose by contemporary authors, essays on great artists and the fate of their masterpieces, materials on bright, fateful events in Russian and world history, publications of the best but forgotten works of Russian prose, incredible and amazing facts and phenomena of the world around us.
Here, too, he was original and unique, and applied huge effort in order to dispel the ironic distrust of photography and yet finally introduce it into the pantheon of great arts.
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№10
A scientific legal journal dedicated to the fundamental problems of the theory of law, the effectiveness of law enforcement and the improvement of the legislative process. Contains articles by leading legal scholars. Included in the List of the Higher Attestation Commission of the Russian Federation. Included in the RSCI and the largest international database of periodicals Ulrich's Periodicals Directory.
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The article is devoted to a topic that has long become relevant both in the field of theory and philosophy of law, and in the field of cultural history. European romantic school of the 19th century. with its claims to the aesthetic interpretation of the state, power and law revealed new aspects of legal reality. Philosophy of law, represented by Hegel, under the influence of the German romantics - F. Schlegel, A. Miller, I. Görres and others - elements of poetics and worldview, which constituted a special cultural layer. In the future, this type of thinking will manifest itself in the construction of Savigny's "historical school of law" and practical state reforms in Europe. The article analyzes various aspects given influence, are still visible today. We are talking about "aesthetic "politics", power dark forces”, “evil empires” and other categories used in modern political philosophy and practical politics. A special place is occupied by the analysis of the concept of “national statehood”, which was formed by the Romantics, in its opposition to the imperial terminology inherent in the “old crafts” of Europe. The most important legal archetypes are considered mainly in a literary context.
An ironic distrust of coherence and unity, the fragmentation generated by it, led to the dispersion of society and the political order: “I can measure my entire “I” only through a system of fragments, since I myself look like it” (F...
The content of the article:
Distrust of people is constant doubts that concern others, the veracity of their statements. This condition does not allow you to enjoy life to the fullest. It can generate more more problems both psychological and even physiological. IN modern world fraud cannot be avoided. So, following this rule, people, to one degree or another, experience a feeling of distrust in others or even in what is happening to them. However, from excessive suspicion better to get rid of. And you need to start from the beginning.
The main reasons for the emergence of distrust of people
The word "distrust" is known and used by all people. However, few people think about its significance. So, distrust is a doubt about the reliability, truthfulness, as well as a suspicious attitude towards something or someone.
Of course, any feeling must be justified. Psychologists talk about several reasons for distrust of people. It is curious that most of the inhabitants do not even know about some options.
Let's find out where mistrust begins:
- Laid down since early years . In childhood, a person did not receive maternal care good quality. The fact is that the foundations of self-confidence and trust in the world around are laid in the first year of a child's life. And if the mother during this period, for some reason, did not pay due attention to the baby, the level of trust will subsequently be very low. In addition, at an older age psychological development influenced by factors such as parents' lack of confidence in their parenting abilities, the opposite in the method of education (mother "leads" in one direction, and dad in the other, or parents with grandparents, so to speak, pull in different sides), differences between cultures and lifestyles of parents, and so on. All this becomes a guarantee that the child has a fear for his well-being in the future, fear of the world around him in general and individuals surrounding the person, in particular. And with age, these trends will only intensify. Although no longer a child, a person is lost in the world around him. He doesn't know where to go. But most importantly - does not feel support. As you know, everyone needs a strong rear.
- Upbringing. Based on reproaches, focusing on the shortcomings of the child, it is also the cause of distrust of people and the general isolation of a person. Most of the problems originate from childhood, and this one is no exception. Unfortunately, many parents, busy with the need to earn money for a living, forget that education is not only beautiful things, good school And proper nutrition. Children left to themselves are often burned when communicating with peers, older comrades. Their childhood dreams, kindness and openness are gradually replaced by distrust, expectation of a dirty trick from others. The process is especially acute for those who differ in some way from other children. Exactly special child more often falls under the boycott, ignoring by peers, and without proper support from parents, only a few cope with the situation correctly. Children's grievances always find echoes in adulthood.
- Features of the profession. It has long been known that the performance of duties at work leaves its mark on a person's personality. And in many cases the effect is negative. For example, law enforcement officers, security services, intelligence officers, even in Everyday life they do not trust the people around them, they are always waiting for a catch and check the incoming information several times.
- Experienced psychological shocks. These are the cases where certain situations a person was betrayed or let down by close people or just those around him, even when he himself no longer remembers similar situations. Divorce can cause irreparable injury. This happens when one of the partners believed that everything was fine in the family, and the second fell in love with a new person and left. After such distrust of opposite sex undermined, create new family becomes very problematic.
- Fear of your own vulnerability. This feeling also makes you keep your eyes open, as they say. Usually people with low self-esteem, quiet and calm in life, fall into this category.
- boomerang effect. A person by himself treats others in such a way that he does not deserve trust: he deceives, steals, betrays, cheats. He expects others to do the same as he does.
- The desire to show yourself to people better, more successful than you really are. In this case, there is an effect, so to speak, of two sides of the same coin. A person willingly demonstrates one side, and tries to hide the other with all his might and is afraid that someone will find out about it. This fear generates additional suspicion and a sense of distrust towards people.
How betrayal affects the feeling of distrust of people
People who have tried to understand the nature of their distrust of others, first of all, find an explanation reduced to two words - "I was betrayed." And immediately after this, mental torment “for what and why” begins. But first you need to figure out what actions can be considered a betrayal.
So you can call a violation of obligations given to someone or a person’s failure to fulfill his duty to someone or something. Thus, not all situations and actions fall under this definition.
By and large, the following actions can be considered real betrayal:
- Treason. Often this can be done by civil servants, agents, the military.
- adultery. Unfortunately, statistics show that more often a man leaves the family, but sometimes a woman can betray.
- Abandonment by parents of their children. This can be either the assignment of upbringing issues to grandparents, or a complete rejection of the child with placement in Orphanage. Age in this case does not play a role. Children remember the wrong they did for the rest of their lives.
- Religious apostasy. Many are extremely painful accept the need to change beliefs. However, they take this step if the loved one belongs to a different religion.
- Non-fulfillment of professional duty. Often the result is distrust of oneself, hatred of work. Doctors who have lost a patient, policemen who could not protect their relatives or partner, etc. are subject to this. In this case, there is aggression, distrust of oneself and one's abilities, loss of faith in justice and fear of a repetition of the situation.
The main reasons for betrayal:
- selfishness. In principle, healthy egoism is not only a normal phenomenon, but even useful for a single individual. And in this case, a person almost always calculates in advance the consequences of his actions. We are talking about when an egoist cares about satisfying his desires and does not really worry if he can harm someone else. Almost every person has ever committed selfish acts, because of which even distrust of a loved one arose, as they say, for a long time and seriously.
- Weakness. It is not only and not so much about its physical manifestation, but about the moral-volitional and spiritual. In this case, people tend to solve their problems by following the path least resistance, that is, by betraying others. They are unable to take responsibility for their actions. It is easier for them to substitute others than to denigrate their reputation and name.
- Unawareness of oneself, one's personality. IN this case people act in obedience to momentary impulses, without realizing and not bothering to calculate at least a little possible consequences their actions.
Why do you need to understand all of the above? It will help overcome the habit of suspecting everyone and everything. After all, it often does not so much save a person from troubles as rewards him with new ones. The state in which you constantly have to wait for a dirty trick and suspect everyone around you of wanting to deceive, cause harm, cannot pass without a trace for the psyche.
The main consequences of the closed state
On the basis of distrust of others, problems may arise in relations between husband and wife, partners, cohabitants, work colleagues, friends. Most frequent consequences- this is jealousy, the desire to control all aspects of the life of your soulmate. Lack of control or resistance to it breeds fear and aggression.
Desire to track personal life and subjugate others can also occur in lonely people. With all the ensuing consequences, up to serious mental disorders. There are phobias and manias that interfere with the normal life of not only their carrier, but also his environment. Can serve good example severe consequences mistrust of people is a disease of paranoia, when a person constantly looks for enemies, “reveals” plans for conspiracies against himself.
It is hardest for those who have gone through betrayal. If these were parents, then a person, in principle, will have difficulty building a personal life, making friends. He can be called a hermit, as he is so afraid of experiencing the sensations again that he prefers to simply refuse to communicate in general. Among the devoted hermits, whose problems have been going on since childhood, you can meet programmers, computer geniuses and gamers.
If the closest and beloved betrayed, and the person was left alone with his problem, in most cases he will generally refuse to build a new family, preferring animals. As an example, we can cite charming women who live with cats all their lives. They are beautiful, smart, have an extraordinary mind and sense of humor. But they are afraid to build new relationships on their own, and there are only a few brave men who are ready to drown an ice wall on the way to their hearts, step by step to gain trust.
And although in many cases and in many areas of human relationships, excessive openness and trust can only hurt, excessive distrust is a hindrance, it is worth getting rid of.
How to get rid of distrust of people
In especially severe cases, the help of a psychologist or psychotherapist may be needed. However, many people can deal with the problem themselves by following the advice of specialists. Of course, we should not forget that in each case there is individual characteristics.
Here are some steps you can take to help you overcome your mistrust:
- Understand the cause of the problem. Of course, in the first part of the article it was said that often the reason lies in early childhood. However, in many cases, the main part of the problem is formed under the influence of factors at a more conscious age. Perhaps the impression of one episode, for example, an appropriate act on the part specific person, underlies distrust of other people.
- Find the positives. Against the background of establishing the cause, it will be very useful to recall the opposite, positive experience in the past or in the future. real life. The more examples you can give of when trust was justified, the better. In most cases, unless, of course, a person's life is influenced by such powerful factors as, for example, a profession, good examples there will be much more than negative evidence of the habit of treating everything with suspicion.
- Try to understand other people's motives. Including those who had or have reasons not to trust. It is possible that the feeling for them will only be the result of some unreasonable or inflated expectations. This is where another piece of advice comes in.
- Think Really. Do not place high hopes on others, do not make excessive demands. It is necessary to be able to soberly assess the abilities and personal qualities of people so as not to experience later disappointment. This is especially true for your own children. This refers to those cases when parents want to see a child who they themselves have not become for some reason. And therefore it is necessary to understand in time when feelings and dreams take precedence over a sober assessment of the situation.
- Talk openly. Sometimes, in order to get rid of distrust of people, it is worth discussing with them openly especially slippery, controversial and incomprehensible points. After all, sometimes at the heart of the current problem is just different point view and interpretation of certain facts and events.
- Change environment. If a person will always be surrounded by positive attitude and thinking, then there will be practically no reasons for the occurrence of omissions and, as a result, suspicions.
- Acknowledge the deed and forgive. It is especially difficult for abandoned children to do this. Nevertheless, for their own good, it is worth accepting the act of their parents, realizing that, perhaps, at that moment they did not see another way out, could not do otherwise. But also understand that not everyone is like that.
How to get rid of distrust of people - look at the video:
Getting rid of distrust of people is not only possible, but also necessary if a person wants to lead normal life in society and cherishes his mental and physical health. This is not always easy to do, but it is possible. However, to begin with, it is necessary to realize two things: firstly, that the problem exists, and secondly, that it always has causes, which can sometimes be very long roots. And the most important thing is that by realizing and learning to trust others, a person can learn to behave in such a way as to inspire confidence in others. In especially severe cases, it is better to seek help from a psychologist.
Different people imagine relationships that can be called ideal in different ways, but many dream of them, seeing their happiness in such relationships. And I completely agree with this, because in, if not ideal, but in good enough relationships, there really is happiness, and these a good relationship can be built if you know how. One of the problems in relationships that does not allow making them good, reliable, durable is distrust. It prevents people from being happy. When there is distrust in relationships between people, it haunts both partners. And if people do not learn to trust each other, and most importantly - to justify each other's trust, their relationship will most likely not last long. Let's, dear readers, take a look at why mistrust arises in relationships and what should be done with it so that it does not harm them.
First, we must deal with the cause of mistrust in a relationship. By itself, nothing happens in this world, everything has its own reason, by studying which, it is possible to prevent the occurrence of a state we do not need. So why does mistrust arise in a relationship? There are several reasons for this.
First, it is a person's life experience. He will inevitably influence how his relations with people will develop in the present and future. Very often, turning to me for help, people refer to their difficult life, which forced them, as they say, to become distrustful and suspicious. In principle, our life is really arranged in such a way that no one can be trusted in it. It is very dangerous. But we have to do this, because without trust, it is almost impossible to do business and communicate with people. We still have to trust someone. Moreover, if you are getting married or getting married - you must be confident in your future husband or in your future wife! Otherwise, why do you connect your fate with this person at all? But when a person has a huge negative experience communication with people - he is afraid to believe, afraid to trust, afraid to fall in love and love. He tends to see other people as his enemies rather than friends and allies. Fear caused by certain negative experiences in the past poisons people's lives and does not allow them to look confidently into the future, it constantly reminds them of what happened to them in the past so that they are ready to protect themselves from a similar threat in the future. Therefore, if you were deceived, betrayed, humiliated, used in the past, then this negative life experience will inevitably be superimposed on your relationships in the present and future. You will doubt the honesty and decency of your partner, no matter how perfect he may be, and who by his behavior will not even give a hint that he can deceive you. But it will still be difficult for you to trust him, it will be difficult for you to look at him with a clean look, not spoiled by past experience. And so you will put pressure on him with this distrust of yours, you will undermine your relationship with him with your suspicion, jealousy, and captiousness. There will be tension between you, based on your life experience. It may also happen that it is your partner who will be because of his negative life experience put pressure on you, or both of you will put pressure on each other.
Secondly, and this is much more important, or better to say - more precisely than the above reason - this is the betrayal that has already taken place in your relationship with your partner. Either you him or he could betray you once, and both of you will never forget it. In some cases, both partners could betray each other, one or more times, and this betrayal, of course, greatly and permanently undermines the trust of partners in each other. It's one thing when you faced betrayal in the past, which was connected with another person, with other people, you can still somehow move away from this. And you will feel completely different if your current partner has already betrayed you. This is an experience you will definitely not forget as long as you live with this person. In this case, the fear of betrayal will be absolutely justified. There is even nothing to comment on, if a person betrayed you once, then he is capable of it, and since he is capable of it, it means that he can betray you the next time. And as life shows, this is exactly what happens in most cases - people who betray once, betray again. Although, there are exceptions, which I will talk about in more detail below, and which you need to be able to calculate from this rule. Well, if the same person betrayed you two, three or more times, then what kind of trust can we talk about, then this word should be forgotten. In this case, it is appropriate to talk about how to live in a state of distrust towards a partner, and whether it is worth living like that at all, and not about how to start trusting someone who cannot be trusted, someone who does not deserve trust.
Thirdly, a person may not trust his soulmate, and indeed all the people in his life, because of his own problems, complexes, fears, real and / or imaginary shortcomings, and also because of the feeling that no one loves, does not respect, does not appreciate, and no one in this world needs you. In general, the weakness of a person, primarily spiritual, moral and intellectual weakness, forces him to be afraid of a mass of all kinds of threats, including the threat of betrayal, from which he does not know how to protect himself. That is, the lack of trust in a partner, in fact, may not have any serious grounds, and then this problem needs to be solved not with a partner, arranging scandals and interrogations for him, about his every action or words spoken by him, but with himself. I know from experience that not many people agree that their distrust of their partner is based more on a problem with themselves than on the actions or words of their partner. It is easier for them to blame other people for everything, who, by their actions, words, and generally awkward gestures, allegedly undermine their confidence. But this, as you understand, is a dead end situation. If your partner is not to blame for anything before you, then why should he justify himself to you, why should he adapt to your internal problems trying all the time to guess what his actions will affect you? Is normal relations possible in such tension?
Fourth, a person may not trust others because he does not trust himself. And he does not trust himself because he constantly deceives, betrays, betrays, uses. Such a person sees his own reflection in other people. We tend to judge other people by ourselves, so we often believe that if we are able, say, to cheat on our partner in this or that situation, then he, our partner, will also do it in exactly the same situation. And not only in the same situation, but in general. Some people simply cannot understand that other people can be completely different - not like them. If, for example, you constantly deceive and betray everyone, and consider this the norm of life for yourself, then I assure you that there are people in this world who do not act this way and do not consider it necessary to do so. Yes, we are all not perfect and prone to deceit, betrayal, betrayal, a person is too weak to be very correct. But this does not mean that everyone is doing just that, that is, they betray, deceive, change. There are people, indeed there are, who do not betray their husbands or wives and do not cheat on them. Is it hard to believe? And you have to believe, because there are such people, I assure you. Become that person too, not for someone else, but for yourself. When you learn to trust yourself, you will teach others to do the same. And most importantly, you will have the moral right to demand honesty and devotion from other people.
And finally, fifthly, a person may not trust his partner because of pathological jealousy, which has no objective grounds. Actually, this problem is related to the third point, but I decided to consider it separately. The fact is that very often the cause of jealousy is the self-doubt of a jealous person. And without solving this problem with self-doubt, a person will not get rid of unreasonable jealousy as one of the manifestations of fear. He will be jealous because he will be afraid for his future, he will be afraid of losing his partner. But a self-confident person will not be jealous even in cases where there is every reason for jealousy, because such a person knows that he can always find a replacement for a traitor, a traitor, a liar. I also came across situations where a person can be very jealous because of their beliefs. Yes, yes, because of beliefs. This is when there are people around you, frankly narrow-minded, who say about all men or all women that they are all so bad, I emphasize - everything that they cannot be trusted. And you, constantly hearing this, begin to believe in it. Especially in childhood, we are strongly impressed by everything that we see and hear around us. Here they will convince you that all men are traitors, or all women are bitches, and you will think, do not know, namely, think - that this is really so. And even if life shows you the fallacy of these beliefs that have become yours, it is far from a fact that you will abandon them. There is another reason why people experience pathological jealousy - this is the Ego. A person can have a very high opinion of himself and, because of this, make too high demands on his partner, the failure of which will automatically cause distrust in him. That is, in this case, a person can be jealous of everything that clings to his Ego, even to the completely harmless communication of his partner with the opposite sex.
And here is another one - very important, and at the same time very subtle moment to which I want to draw your attention, dear readers. You will not learn about this in any textbook on psychology, in any case, I have not found anything similar in the psychological literature. What I will tell you is the result of my own observations of people, as well as the result of my study of other human sciences. We are talking about a person's need for feelings associated with distrust of people, such as jealousy, anger, resentment, mental anguish, and others. I did not include this reason for distrust in the general list of reasons described above, because, as I said, this is a very delicate moment. It must be studied separately. Its essence is that people do not always realize that, having tuned in to a wave of distrust towards their partner and towards people in general, they begin to feed on the emotions and sensations associated with this distrust. Scandals, screams, fights, mutual accusations, suspicions, sometimes so absurd that they cannot even be refuted, all this captures a person, and he begins to live with it. And even when objectively there is nothing to complain about, he finds a reason to quarrel, to blame his partner for something, to find something to be offended by, something to be jealous of. It is also the need for suffering - to feel like a victim of circumstances, a victim of deceit, a victim of betrayal. That is, a person is immersed in depression and dwells in it, receiving from it a specific pleasure. In general, in this case, a person married couple Maybe a psychologist should help. He must reconfigure a man and a woman, or one of them, to another - a more benevolent and positive wave, so that in a person, in people, a need arises - in normal, trusting relationships. So that they begin to enjoy not from heartache and suffering, but from joy, love, goodness and harmony.
Now, friends, let's, with all of the above, discuss in more detail the solution to the problem of mistrust in a relationship, so that each of you, for whom it is relevant, can solve it.
If you do not trust your partner, because of which your relationship with him suffers, ask yourself - why do you not trust him? Yes, yes, not - why, namely - why. The thing is that you can initially be set up to distrust people, because, as mentioned above, your life experience, because of your personal problems, because you yourself are such a person to whom cannot be trusted, and especially because of your desire to get feelings associated with distrust of people. Therefore, I want to put at the forefront the question of your desire, and not objective reasons that cause you to distrust your man or woman. You must clearly and clearly understand your desires in order to know what exactly you are doing in order to - not trust your partner. Maybe you don't trust him because you don't want to trust him. Perhaps you are used to living in a state of an offended, humiliated, deceived, oppressed person, and it has become natural for you, and you can even say that it is comfortable. If so, then you definitely need to change your attitude towards yourself and towards life in order to stop loving pain and suffering. You do not need to move from a state of distrust to a state of trust, I am not calling you to this, I am not calling you to recklessly trust people, I want you to decide for yourself whether you want to objectively assess reality or not. If your partner is not trustworthy, don't trust him! But first you need to make sure that he really does not deserve your trust. It is not necessary to endow a person with certain qualities - without fully knowing him. Therefore, pay attention to how you generally relate to people, who do you see in them, who do you want to see in them, and why do you want to see someone in particular in them? A traitor lives in each of us, but not each of us allows this traitor to manifest himself. And if you are looking for a traitor in your partner, you will find him. Not only that - you can even make your partner a traitor if you want to. So, either on your own or with the help of a psychologist, figure out your views on life, your desires, both conscious and unconscious, and your value system.
A lot also depends on your interpretation of certain actions of your partner. A simple example: let's say that your former man or your former woman- cheated on you, cheated on you. And when that happened, you couldn't get through to him or her. And for yourself, you figured out that if you can't get through to your partner, it's only because, or most likely because he's cheating on you. Therefore, when you start a new relationship, with another man or with another woman, if you cannot get through to your new partner, you will begin to suspect him of treason. This will happen automatically, because this is the only way you know how to interpret the inability to get through to your man or your woman, you simply do not have another experience, another understanding of this situation. That is, the negative experience of the past, plus your own conclusions based on certain actions of your partner, can cause you to have absolutely unreasonable distrust in him. It is not necessary that your partner is cheating on you if you cannot get through to him, or if he was late at work, or if he corresponded with someone on the Internet, and so on and so forth. But you can see the problem in all this. Because you will make a problem out of it. Do you understand what mistakes we tend to make, erroneously interpreting certain actions of our partner, this or that information associated with him? So before you develop distrust in your brain for a person - for your partner, and even more so for showing it to him - find the strength to calm down your emotions and do not be too lazy to figure out the causes and essence of each specific situation that causes you concern. Only after carefully studying all the information you know about your partner and his actions, determine your attitude towards him. I can tell you from experience that very often there is mistrust between partners, which leads to serious problems, is not supported by any significant facts proving the validity of their accusations against each other, and, in fact, arises out of the blue. And all because people judge each other superficially, in some cases biased, and often misinterpret each other's actions.
As for mistrust based on the real treacherous misdeeds of one of the partners in the past, in this case, it is important to decide with him how you will live on. Yes, it is difficult to trust a person who has already betrayed you once, and this is no accident. Indeed, having betrayed once, many people betray again, such are the laws of nature. Scorpio - stings, traitor - betrays. But there are people who are aware of their mistakes, and who, in case they are dear to you, deserve forgiveness. So learn to forgive. It sounds, of course, simple - to take and forgive the one who betrayed you. It's just in words, but not just in deeds. Understand. But you will also understand - if a person learned a lesson from a mistake he made and agreed that his betrayal is precisely a mistake made by him out of stupidity, and not an act that he simply could not hide from you, then most likely he will be in the future will not make this mistake again. But a person who has not made any mistakes in his life, theoretically, is more inclined to make them. Without learning the lessons of life, it is difficult to learn something. Anyone can betray, but not everyone will condemn their betrayal and learn a lesson from it. Therefore, I repeat, the main thing is for a person to learn a lesson from his mistakes, and not pretend that he learned it. We can all stumble, no one is immune from this, but the betrayal of a person, committed by him out of stupidity and inexperience, is not a reason to put an end to him. Therefore, my advice to you is to forgive those who sincerely repented of their bad deeds towards you, such people deserve forgiveness. Well, if you see that a person is capable of betraying you again, in the future, when such an opportunity presents itself, and that he can no longer be corrected, decide for yourself whether you want to live with him or not. When we talk about those who betray and deceive, we must understand that these are people who can never be trusted, they can either be accepted or should be abandoned.
In the event that your distrust of your partner is caused by your own problems, then solve these problems. Do not make your partner suffer because you are not confident enough in yourself, that you have a lot of complexes, fears, different kind shortcomings that do not allow you to feel like a full-fledged person. Contact psychologists, because they exist for this, to solve your problems. Just before you realize this, realize that distrust in the relationship between you and your partner is caused by your real or imaginary shortcomings, your internal problems. It is always difficult for people to admit their own guilt in their problems, but you need to learn how to do this in order to get out of impasses into which our internal problems can drive us. We are all in one way or another, so to speak - defective, people with an ideal psyche, I'm sure, do not exist. Therefore, if you feel that you don’t like something about yourself, that you are imperfect in something, or that your thoughts about yourself are too bad, contact a psychologist, let him work with you, let him help you get rid of all these problems . Do not shift your personal problems to relationships with a partner, do not destroy what is very difficult to build. And trust between people, trust in relations between a man and a woman is indeed a very complex structure that requires great sacrifice, patience and understanding.
Now, let's talk about what kind of person you are. If you always deceive and betray everyone, then you probably suspect other people that they also want to deceive you and can betray you. And you know what - you have every right to think so. Indeed, how can one be honest with someone who himself is deceiving everyone? Sow evil, you will receive evil. So if you want to have trusting relationship with your partner - become an example for him and these relationships. And only after that understand one simple thing- on their own people are not judged. Of course, we attract to ourselves those people and we ourselves are attracted to them, who are somewhat similar to us. Therefore, if you are a liar and a traitor, then there is a high probability that the same liars and traitors will surround you. But since everything in life is much more complicated, you may well meet in it an honest and decent person who will not deceive and betray you even in his thoughts. But you can spoil everything if you constantly suspect this person of deceit and betrayal, thinking of him the same way you think of yourself. People often become what we ourselves make them. Our attitude towards people has a very strong effect on their behavior with us, so never, by your attitude towards a person, make him someone you do not want to see in him. And even more so, do not try to see yourself in other people. And, of course, don't treat other people the way you don't want them to treat you. And then everything will be with you, if not perfect, then at least good.
And finally, let's talk again about what kind of atmosphere you want to live in - in an atmosphere of constant distrust of your partner, or in an atmosphere of goodness, joy and happiness? Do you think it depends on the actions of your partner, or on the actions of other people? Wrong, it's up to you. The world you live in is up to you. Be yourself - ideal husband or perfect wife. Or at least aim for it - don't cheat on your partner, don't cheat on him, don't betray him, don't use him, don't manipulate him! In a word, be someone you can trust. And whether your partner will appreciate your honesty or not is another matter. If he doesn’t appreciate it, he has no place next to you.