Green who brings up problem children. Explosive child. A new approach to understanding and raising easily irritable, chronically intractable children

27.04.2019

Current page: 1 (total of the book has 15 pages) [available passage for reading: 10 pages]

Ross W. Green
Explosive child. A new approach to raising and understanding easily irritable, chronically intractable children

Dedicated to Irving A. Green

Anyone can get angry - it's easy ... but get angry with the right person,

for the right reason, for the right time, for the right reason

and properly is not easy.

Aristotle

If I am not for myself, who is for me? If I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, then when?

Hillel

Illusions are the truths by which we live until we grow wiser.

Nancy Gibbs

From the author

I would like to acknowledge my highly regarded colleague and friend, Dr. Stuart Eblon, whose insight and energy have greatly contributed to the development of collaborative problem solving. I am also, as always, indebted to my agent and friend Wendy Lipkind.

My thoughts on how to help explosive kids and their parents were influenced by my interactions with many parents, teachers and mentors of explosive kids. I was incredibly fortunate to be mentored in clinical psychology while at the University of Virginia, Dr. Thomas Ollendick. During my internship, I was greatly influenced by two of my psychologist leaders: Dr. George Klum of the University of Virginia and Mary Ann McCabe of the National Children's Center in Washington. But I might never have gone into clinical psychology if I hadn't crossed paths with Dr. Elizabeth Altmeier while at the University of Florida.

Still, the most significant people who influenced the evolution of the ideas outlined in this book, the people to whom I am most indebted, are all the children I have worked with and the parents who trusted me to take care of them.

I would also like to express my gratitude to the countless fans of the method of joint problem solving, scattered around the world, who accepted it and, despite the prevailing prejudices, with all their energy and persistence insisted on using this method in schools, clinics and places of temporary isolation of children and adolescents. This world is full amazing people who are not indifferent to the fate of children. I am happy that fate has pitted me against many such people.

This is a book about children and families, and it would be remiss not to express gratitude here to my own family: my wife Melissa, my children Thalia and Jacob, who are helping me to preserve good location spirit, learn and make sure that I put into practice the principles that I profess. I almost forgot another member of the family: this is Sandy - a big black dog.

There are many explosive girls in the world, but for the sake of simplicity, the phenomenon described in this book is referred to by the general term male- "explosive child". Names of all actors in this book are fictional. All coincidences, as they say, are accidental.

Foreword

This is the third edition of The Exploding Child. Changes and additions have been made to the new edition to make it easier for readers to understand the stated concept. Many things have happened since this book was first published in 1998. The approach described in the book is called Collaborative Problem Solving (CPR). In order to as much as possible more parents, teachers and all other people who deal with explosive children were introduced to the PSA method, a non-profit organization was created - the Institute for Collaborative Problem Solving.

The third revised edition, like the two previous ones, is devoted to explosive children, that is, children who often demonstrate unacceptable behavior - arrange long scandals, disobey, fall into physical or verbal (verbal) aggression. This makes their life, the life of parents, teachers, brothers and sisters, and anyone who interacts with explosive children, unbearable. These children are defined in different ways: complex, defiant, stubborn, manipulative, selfish, spiteful, wayward, uncompromising, unmotivated. Such children may be diagnosed with various psychiatric diagnoses, sometimes several at once, for example: oppositional defiant behavior disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, Tourette's syndrome, depression, bipolar disorder, non-verbal learning disability (right-brain developmental disorder), syndrome Asperger's obsessive-compulsive syndrome 3 ... But the trouble is that no one understands the reasons for the specific behavior of such children.

Both in science and in everyday life, the point of view that such behavior is a consequence of wrong upbringing... However, studies in recent decades suggest that the problem is much more complex than originally thought, and may arise under the influence of various factors... Over the past years, we have learned much more about the psychology of the child, and it is finally time for practical application this knowledge. By the way, anyone who thinks that the title of this book only refers to “explosive children” is mistaken: the conversation will also go about those children who constantly cry or, on the contrary, withdraw into themselves.

The purpose of this publication (like the two previous ones) is to uncover the reasons for the behavior of explosive children. Armed with this knowledge of the causes, we can find a practical, universal method that can help reduce the drama of the explosive child-adult relationship at school and at home.

Children have not changed much since the time I started working with the first explosive patient, but my own approach to them has changed, my point of view on the ways in which such a child, his parents and teachers can be helped. And the proposed new approach works much better than traditional ones.

The only condition necessary for its implementation is the ability to think clearly and without bias.

1
Pancake case

Jennifer is 11 years old. In the morning, she wakes up, makes the bed, looks around her room to check if everything is in order, and goes into the kitchen to make herself breakfast. In the freezer, she finds a bag of six frozen pancakes. “Today I'll eat three pancakes, and I'll leave three more for tomorrow,” decides Jennifer, warms up three pancakes and sits down at the table.

Soon her mother and five-year-old brother Adam come to the kitchen. The mother asks the boy what he would like for breakfast. Adam says, "Pancakes," and Mom opens the freezer to get a bag. Jennifer, who was listening intently to their conversation, explodes.

- Don't give him pancakes! Jennifer yells, her face flushed with anger.

- Why? The mother asks, involuntarily raising her voice and getting irritated. She is unable to understand Jennifer's behavior.

- I'm going to eat these pancakes tomorrow! Jennifer squeals, jumping up from her chair. - And I'm not going to take them away from your brother! - shouts the mother in response.

- No, he won't get them! - continues to yell Jennifer, standing face to face with her mother.

Remembering that at such moments, Jennifer is capable of both street swearing and physical aggression, the mother desperately asks Adam if he will agree to something other than pancakes.

“But I want pancakes,” Adam whines, hiding behind Mom's back.

Extremely irritated and agitated, Jennifer pushes her mother away, grabs a bag of pancakes, slams the freezer door with a bang, angrily throws the chair away and, grabbing a plate of hot pancakes, runs into her room. The girl's brother and mother are crying.

Jennifer's family members have gone through thousands of similar situations. Often these explosions are longer and more intense and contain more physical or verbal aggression (when Jennifer was eight years old, she kicked windshield family car). Doctors gave Jennifer a wide variety of diagnoses, including oppositional defiant behavior disorder, bipolar disorder, and intermittent explosive disorder. But none of these labels give the girl's parents a comprehensive explanation of the constant scandals and tensions that Jennifer's behavior causes.

Her mother, brother and sister live in constant fear. Jennifer's extreme irascibility and lack of adaptability in her character make the girl's parents live in constant tension and require great efforts from them. Because of this, they are unable to pay enough attention to Jennifer's brother and sister. Parents often argue about how to deal with their daughter's behavior, and both admit that living with Jennifer is a major challenge for their marriage. Although Jennifer's intellectual development is above average, she has no close friends. Children are frightened off by the girl's intolerance and her unwillingness to make concessions.

Jennifer's parents consulted a myriad of professionals. Usually they were advised to install more strict framework and more persistently correct the daughter's behavior, and also recommended different methods rewards and punishments, mainly through the use of a system of reward points and sending to the corner. When it became clear that these methods did not help, drug treatment was tried - countless combinations of different drugs, which also did not give notable results... After eight years of listening to advice, imposing strict limits, using drugs and incentivizing programs, Jennifer's behavior has not changed much compared to what was observed back in her preschool age when the parents first noticed that something was wrong with their daughter.

“Most people don't even know how humiliating it is to be afraid of your own daughter,” Jennifer's mother once admitted. - Parents who have not had a chance to encounter this in their own family have no idea what it is like. Believe me, that's not what I dreamed about when I was going to have children. Our life has turned into a complete nightmare.

“You have no idea what shame it seizes when something like this happens to Jennifer in front of strangers,” continues the mother. - Every time I want to explain that I have two more children who never allow themselves anything like this, and that in fact I - good mother!

- I know what others think: “What kind of inept parents ... this girl must be kept in tight hands”. Trust us, we have tried every possible remedy. But no one was able to explain to us how to help her. no one could explain what was wrong with her!

“I hate what I've become. I have always considered myself gentle, patient, kind person and I didn’t even suspect in myself the ability to do such actions, to which communication with Jennifer pushes me. I was emotionally exhausted. I can't live like this anymore.

- I know quite a few parents who have difficult children. you know what hyperactive kids are, or kids who find it difficult to concentrate. I would give my left hand for a child who is just hyperactive or having trouble concentrating! Jennifer is of a completely different type, and therefore I feel very lonely.

In fact, Jennifer's mom is not alone: there are many such Jennifers. Their parents often find that parenting strategies that are effective for other children — explanations, arguments, moral support, caring, attention-shifting, neglect, reward, and punishment — do not produce tangible results with their children. Even the medications that are usually prescribed for these children do not lead to noticeable improvements.

If you opened this book because your family has its own Jennifer, then it means that you are familiar with the despair, pain, embarrassment, anger, bitterness, guilt, fatigue, and a sense of hopelessness that Jennifer's parents experience.

In addition to those mentioned above, there are a number of diagnoses that are usually given to such children. These include, but are not limited to, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), depression, Tourette's syndrome, anxiety disorders (including obsessive-compulsive disorder), speech disorders, impaired sensory synthesis, non-verbal learning disabilities, reactive attachment disorder and syndrome Asperger's. These children are also often said to be simply tough. Regardless of how the phenomenon is labeled, children like Jennifer are united by a number of distinctive properties, which primarily include extreme non-adaptability and an almost complete lack of self-control in the situation emotional stress... These properties significantly complicate the life of both the children themselves and those around them who are forced to communicate with them. These children find it incredibly difficult to think sanely in situations of emotional stress. Even simple changes situations and requests from others can cause them to have an acute tense reaction, physical and verbal aggression. For the sake of simplicity, I will refer to these children as "explosive" below, although the method described in this book is also applicable to children who withdraw into themselves and avoid communication with others due to problems with flexibility and emotional self-control.

How do explosive kids differ from their peers? Let's look at the usual everyday situation... Imagine that child number 1, Hubert, is watching TV and his mother asks him to set the table. Hubert switches with relative ease from his own plans (watching TV) to his mother's demands (setting the table). Therefore, in response to: “Hubert, please turn off the TV and set the table for dinner,” he will most likely answer: “Okay, Mom, I'm coming” - and soon after that he will really set the table.

Baby number 2 Jermaine - over difficult case... It is not so easy for him to switch from fulfilling his plans to fulfilling the requirements of his mother, but still he is able to cope with irritation and move from one action to another (often after a threat from his parents). Thus, in response to the request: "Jermain, please turn off the TV and set the table for dinner," at first he can shout out: "Leave me alone, I don't want to!" or start whining "You always make me help just when my favorite show is on." But after some extra effort on the part of the mother (“Jermaine, if you don’t turn off the TV and set the table immediately, you’ll go to the corner”), these children are also able to switch.

Finally, let's consider a situation involving Jennifer, child number 3. The explosive child switches between different kinds activities, the transition from fulfilling their plans to fulfilling the mother's request often causes rapidly increasing, intense and irresistible irritation. Such children are not able to switch, and in response to: "Jennifer, please turn off the TV and set the table for dinner" they often explode instantly (even despite the threat from their parents), and it is impossible to predict what they will say or do.

But explosive kids are also very, very different. Some lose their temper dozens of times a day, while others only a few times a week. Sometimes this happens only at home or only at school, and sometimes at home and at school. Some raise their voices, start screaming, but do not resort to swearing, verbal or physical aggression. One such boy, Richard, a cheerful and affable 14-year-old diagnosed with ADHD, burst into tears when we first met when I asked him if he wanted to learn how to deal with his annoyance in order to improve family relationships. Other explosive children scream and swear, but do not resort to physical aggression. For example, Jack who is pleasant, developed, but prone to seizures bad mood a 10-year-old boy diagnosed with ADHD and Tourette's syndrome, regularly showed a lack of adaptive skills and fell into hysterics for the most insignificant reasons, and his swearing and screaming in fits of irritation provoked similar reactions in his parents. But there are also children who demonstrate the whole complex negative reactions... For example, Marvin, a smart, active, impulsive and irritable 8-year-old boy with Tourette's syndrome, depression and ADHD, reacts incredibly intensely to unforeseen changes in the environment (sometimes his reaction turned into physical aggression). On one occasion, Marvin's father accidentally turned off the lights in the room where Marvin was playing a video game, leading to an hour-long scandal of truly epic proportions.

As you read this book, you will realize that there are wonderful qualities in the character of such children, and these children have great potential. In most cases, their general intellectual development is at the normal level. But lack of adaptability and emotional self-control skills overshadow them. positive traits and causes unthinkable pain for both the children themselves and their loved ones. I do not know of any other category of children, true reasons whose actions would be so misinterpreted. Usually, the parents of these children are caring, friendly people who experience deep feeling guilt because they are unable to help their children.

- You know, - says Jennifer's mom, - every time hope is reborn in me ... every time communication with Jennifer causes positive emotions… I look to the future with optimism and love for her awakens in me. and then everything collapses again due to another scandal. I am ashamed to admit it, but most of the time I find it difficult to treat her with love and tenderness, and I do not at all like what she turns our family into. We live in a situation of constant crisis.

Children like Jennifer's are undoubtedly different from everyone else. Recognition of this fact is a difficult and painful test for parents and all those on whose shoulders the care of such children falls. But this does not mean the collapse of all hopes. It's just that parents, teachers, relatives and professionals working with such children need to realize another fact: explosive children often require a special approach in the field of discipline and restrictions, and this approach is different from the generally accepted one.

For proper interaction with explosive children, first of all, a clear understanding of the reasons for such behavior is necessary. Effective coping strategies naturally flow from understanding the causes of the child's peculiar behavior. In some cases, understanding the motivations for such behavior itself leads to better relationships between children and adults, even without the use of special strategies. The first chapters of this book will help the reader understand why it is so difficult for explosive children to adapt to changes in the environment and the demands of others, why they are so irritable and prone to unpredictable tantrums. Along the way, we will find out why the popular methods that are used to communicate with difficult children often do not live up to expectations. In the chapters that follow, you will read about alternative strategies that I have successfully used over the years with children, their families and teachers.

If you are the parents of an explosive child, this book will help you restore peace of mind and an optimistic outlook on life, and believe that you can help your child. For relatives, friends, teachers, and therapists, it will help you better understand what is happening. There is no panacea. But there is always reason for hope and optimism.

2
Children behave well if they can

For parents, there is nothing more surprising and more entertaining than watching their child learn new skills and cope with more and more complex problems on their own every month and year. First, he begins to crawl, then walk, and then run. Babble gradually turns into speech that is understandable to others. The smile grows into more subtle shapes human communication. The child memorizes letters, begins to read single words, sentences, paragraphs, books.

Equally surprising is the unevenness with which different skills develop in different children. Some find it easy to read, but have math problems. There are children who succeed in all sports, while others are given any sporting achievement with a noticeable effort. In some cases, the lag is due to a lack of practice (for example, Steve is unable to hit the ball correctly due to the fact that no one has ever shown him how to do it). But often difficulties in mastering a certain skill arise, despite the child's desire to achieve a positive result, even after appropriate explanations and training. It’s not that children don’t want to master a particular skill, they simply don’t master it as quickly as expected. If a child's skills in some area are far behind the expected level of development, we try to help him. The baseball coach can show Steve how to hit the ball with the bat, and Ken's teacher can do extra reading with him after school.

Some children start reading late, others never achieve outstanding athletic performance. And there are children who are lagging behind in the field adaptability and self-control. It is about them that this book is written. Mastering these skills is essential to overall development child, since a harmonious existence is unthinkable without the ability to resolve emerging problems and settle disagreements with others, as well as to control oneself in a situation of emotional stress. In fact, it is difficult to imagine a situation that would not require flexibility, adaptability and self-control from the child. When children argue about what to play, adults hope that both children have problem-solving skills that will help them arrive at a mutually beneficial solution that works for both of them. If, due to bad weather, parents are forced to cancel a long-awaited trip to Luna Park, they hope that their child will be able to survive the disappointment without hysteria, agree with the change in plans and discuss an alternative pastime. If the child is absorbed in a video game and it is time to set the table, parents hope that the child will be able to interrupt the game, deal with natural feelings of irritation, and realize that he can return to the game later. And if the child decided to eat three pancakes today and three more tomorrow, and his younger brother also wanted pancakes for breakfast, we hope that this child is able to move away from a black-and-white assessment of the situation (“these are the three pancakes that I was going to eat tomorrow, and I will not give them to anyone”) and recognize intermediate shades in it (“I these pancakes are not needed ... I can ask my mother to buy more ... or maybe tomorrow I don’t want pancakes, but I want something else ”).

Often peculiar to the child maladaptivity and irritability are noticeable literally from the moment of birth. Infants with a heavy temper are more likely to suffer from colic, they do not have a regular feeding and sleep regimen, they have difficulty calming down, overreacting to noise, light and discomfort (hunger, cold, wet diaper etc.) and do not tolerate any changes well. Other children may have problems with adaptability and self-control later, when the world begins to demand from them the ability to use colloquial speech, self-organization, restraining one's impulses, emotional self-control and socialization skills.

It is important to understand that these children are not deliberately choose irascibility as a demeanor, in the same way that children do not choose deliberately reduced reading ability: such children simply lag behind the norm in the development of adaptability and self-control skills. Therefore, traditional explanations for the irascibility and disobedience of children, such as: "he does this to attract attention", "he just wants to get what he wants" or "when he needs to, he can behave perfectly", have nothing to do with reality ... There is a huge difference between looking at violent behavior as a result of developmental delays and blaming a child for intentional, knowing and purposeful misbehavior. And explaining the reasons for a child's behavior, in turn, is inextricably linked to the methods by which you try to change that behavior. In other words, your parenting strategy is determined by the explanation you choose.

It is extremely important topic needing discussion. If you consider the child's behavior intentional, conscious and purposeful, then labels such as "stubborn", "arguer", " little dictator"," Extortionist "," thirsty for attention "," absurd "," lover to command "," brawler "," off the chain ", etc. to the child, “who is in charge of the house” will become an acceptable way to solve the problem. Is this how you explain your child's behavior? You are not alone in this. And you are not the only one who finds that such an explanation and the corresponding parenting strategy do not work.

I urge parents to abandon such views and think about an alternative explanation: your child is already aware of the need to behave well, and his tendency to constant scandals and tantrums reflects a kind of delay in development - one of many possible in the process of learning and mastering the world. - a delay in the development of adaptability and self-control skills. From this point of view, compulsion to obedience, additional motivation for good behavior and explaining to the child “who is in charge of the house” are meaningless and can lead to a negative result, since he is already motivated, realizes the role of good behavior and understands who is in charge of the house. ...

Is it possible to understand the true reasons for this behavior? Will we find correct words to describe the hardships these children have? Are there alternative parenting strategies that meet the needs of explosive children and their parents better than traditional ones?

Yes, yes and yes again.

Let's start with the reasons for this behavior. The main idea of this book can be summed up like this:

children behave well if they can.

In other words, if your child could behave well, he would behave well. If he could take the restrictions imposed by adults and the demands of others calmly, he would do so. You already know why he cannot do this: because of the delay in development in the field of adaptability and self-control. Why did he have such a developmental delay? Most likely, the child lacks a number of specific skills, which are discussed in the next chapter. How can you help such a child? This is what the rest of the book is about.

The problem is that in dealing with explosive children, adults often adhere to a completely different philosophy: children behave well if they want to. Proponents of this view are convinced that children are quite capable of behaving in a more acceptable way, but they simply do not want to. Why don't they want this? A familiar explanation, common even among well-meaning psychologists, is that the parents of such children are poor educators. But this point of view does not at all explain why the brothers and sisters of explosive children are great at behaving. But, as you might expect, these explanations and philosophies lead to parenting strategies that motivate children to behave well and help parents become more effective educators (usually through common reward and punishment methods). Why these methods often fail is discussed in Chapter 5.

Let's move on to general description Problems. Rule number one: Don't overly believe that your psychiatric diagnosis will help you understand your explosive child. The diagnosis will not help to understand what impaired intellectual skills underlie his constant scandals and tantrums. The terms ADHD, bipolar disorder, or obsessive-compulsive disorder do not give us any information about the intellectual skills that a child does not have and that we adults need to help them acquire.

The following description is much more useful than any diagnosis, for it helps to understand what happens to the child (and sometimes to the adult) when he explodes:

an explosion (outburst of irritation), like any other form of maladaptive behavior, occurs when the demands placed on a person exceed his ability to adequately respond to them.

You will not find this description in the diagnostic manuals (which, I confess, does not bother me too much). In fact, it is good description the vast majority of non-adaptive forms of behavior inherent in humans. This is why people experience panic attacks. That's why Small child may refuse to sleep in their own bed. That is why the child can crawl under the table and curl up there in the fetal position. That is why the explosive kids this book is about explodes. Now it remains for us to find out what factors prevent your the child to achieve the level of adaptability and self-control that is required of him.

Nothing depressing parents more than having a child with a chronic problem, the essence of which is not entirely clear. If your child has chronic stomach or headaches, severe eczema, shortness of breath, you want to know why! And if your child has chronic difficulties with self-control and adaptability, you also want to know why! Being terribly oppressed and confused because of the explosions of their child, parents often demand from him a logical explanation of his actions. But asking this question to a child is useless. Therefore, the dialogue often looks like this:

Parent: “We have said this a thousand times ... Why can't you do what they ask you to do? Why are you so angry?

Explosive child: "I do not know".

Such a response can be maddening, and usually it only intensifies the growing irritation in the parents. However, note that the child is most likely telling the truth. In an ideal world, a child would answer something like this: - You see, mom and dad, I have a problem. And you and many other people constantly tell me what I have to do, or ask me to switch from my way of thinking to yours, but I'm not very good at it. When asked to do this, I get annoyed. And when I'm annoyed, I can't think sanely, and that makes me even more annoyed. Then you start to get angry with me, and I start to do or say things that I would not like to do or say at all. As a result, you get angry with me even more and punish me, and then a complete mess begins. When the dust settles - well, you know, when the ability to think sanely returns to me - I am very ashamed of everything I did and said. I know what is happening is upsetting you, but believe me, it doesn’t make me happy either.

Ross W. Green

Dedicated to Irving A. Green

Anyone can get angry - it's easy ... but get angry with the right person,

for the right reason, for the right time, for the right reason

and properly is not easy.

Aristotle

If I am not for myself, who is for me? If I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, then when?

Hillel

Illusions are the truths by which we live until we grow wiser.

Nancy Gibbs

From the author

I would also like to express my gratitude to the countless fans of the method of joint problem solving, scattered around the world, who accepted it and, despite the prevailing prejudices, with all their energy and persistence insisted on using this method in schools, clinics and places of temporary isolation of children and adolescents. This world is full of amazing people who are not indifferent to the fate of children. I am happy that fate has pitted me against many such people.

This is a book about children and families, and it would be a remiss not to express gratitude here to my own family: my wife Melissa, my children - Thalia and Jacob, who help me maintain a good mood, learn and make sure that I put into practice those principles that I profess. I almost forgot another member of the family: this is Sandy - a big black dog.

There are many explosive girls in the world, but for the sake of simplicity, the phenomenon described in this book is referred to by the general masculine term - "explosive child." The names of all the characters in this book are fictitious. All coincidences, as they say, are accidental.

Foreword

This is the third edition of The Exploding Child. Changes and additions have been made to the new edition to make it easier for readers to understand the stated concept. Many things have happened since this book was first published in 1998. The approach described in the book is called Collaborative Problem Solving (CPR). In order for as many parents, teachers and all other people dealing with explosive children as possible to get acquainted with the PSA method, a non-profit organization was created - the Institute for Collaborative Problem Solving.

Both in science and in everyday life, the point of view dominated for a long time that such behavior is the result of improper upbringing. However, studies in recent decades suggest that the problem is much more complex than originally thought, and may arise under the influence of various factors. Over the past years, we have learned much more about the psychology of the child, and it is finally time for the practical application of this knowledge. By the way, anyone who thinks that the title of this book only refers to "explosive children" is mistaken: the conversation will also go about those children who constantly cry or, on the contrary, withdraw into themselves.

The only condition necessary for its implementation is the ability to think clearly and without bias.

Pancake case

- Don't give him pancakes! Jennifer yells, her face flushed with anger.

- Why? The mother asks, involuntarily raising her voice and getting irritated. She is unable to understand Jennifer's behavior.

- I'm going to eat these pancakes tomorrow! Jennifer squeals, jumping up from her chair. - And I'm not going to take them away from your brother! - shouts the mother in response.

- No, he won't get them! - continues to yell Jennifer, standing face to face with her mother.

Remembering that at such moments Jennifer is capable of both street swearing and physical aggression, his mother desperately asks Adam if he would agree to something other than pancakes.

“But I want pancakes,” Adam whines, hiding behind Mom's back.

Jennifer's family members have gone through thousands of similar situations. Often these explosions are longer and more intense and contain more physical or verbal aggression (when Jennifer was eight years old, she kicked out the windshield of the family car). Doctors gave Jennifer a wide variety of diagnoses, including oppositional defiant behavior disorder, bipolar disorder, and intermittent explosive disorder. But none of these labels give the girl's parents a comprehensive explanation of the constant scandals and tensions that Jennifer's behavior causes.

Jennifer's parents consulted a myriad of professionals. Typically, they were advised to set stricter limits and more aggressively to correct their daughter's behavior, and were also recommended various methods of reward and punishment, mainly using a system of reward points and sending to the corner. When it became clear that these methods were not working, drug treatment was tried - countless combinations of different drugs, which also did not give noticeable results. After eight years of listening to advice, imposing strict limits, using drugs and incentivizing programs, Jennifer's behavior has not changed much compared to what was observed in her preschool age, when parents first noticed that something was wrong with their daughter.

“I hate what I've become. I have always considered myself a gentle, patient, kind person and did not even suspect in myself the ability to do such actions, which are pushed me by communication with Jennifer. I was emotionally exhausted. I can't live like this anymore.

In addition to those mentioned above, there are a number of diagnoses that are usually given to such children. These include, but are not limited to, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), depression, Tourette's syndrome, anxiety disorders (including obsessive-compulsive disorder), speech disorders, impaired sensory synthesis, non-verbal learning disabilities, reactive attachment disorder and syndrome Asperger's. These children are also often said to be simply tough. Regardless of how this phenomenon is labeled, children like Jennifer's are united by a number of distinctive characteristics, which primarily include extreme maladaptivity and an almost complete lack of self-control in situations of emotional stress. These properties significantly complicate the life of both the children themselves and those around them who are forced to communicate with them. These children find it incredibly difficult to think sanely in situations of emotional stress. Even simple changes in the environment and requests from others can cause them to have an acute tense reaction, physical and verbal aggression. For the sake of simplicity, I will refer to these children as "explosive" below, although the method described in this book is also applicable to children who withdraw into themselves and avoid communication with others due to problems with flexibility and emotional self-control.

How do explosive kids differ from their peers? Let's consider a common everyday situation. Imagine that child number 1, Hubert, is watching TV and his mother asks him to set the table. Hubert switches with relative ease from his own plans (watching TV) to his mother's demands (setting the table). Therefore, in response to: “Hubert, please turn off the TV and set the table for dinner,” he will most likely answer: “Okay, Mom, I'm coming” - and soon after that he will really set the table.

Child number 2, Jermaine, is a more complex case. It is not so easy for him to switch from fulfilling his plans to fulfilling the requirements of his mother, but still he is able to cope with irritation and move from one action to another (often after a threat from his parents). Thus, in response to the request: "Jermain, please turn off the TV and set the table for dinner," at first he can shout out: "Leave me alone, I don't want to!" or start whining "You always make me help just when my favorite show is on." But after some extra effort on the part of the mother (“Jermaine, if you don’t turn off the TV and set the table immediately, you’ll go to the corner”), these children are also able to switch.

Finally, let's consider a situation involving Jennifer, child number 3. In an explosive child, switching between different activities, the transition from fulfilling their plans to fulfilling the mother's request, often causes rapidly increasing, intense and overwhelming irritation. Such children are not able to switch, and in response to: "Jennifer, please turn off the TV and set the table for dinner," they often explode instantly (even despite the threat from their parents), and it is impossible to predict what they will say or do.

But explosive kids are also very, very different. Some lose their temper dozens of times a day, while others only a few times a week. Sometimes this happens only at home or only at school, and sometimes at home and at school. Some raise their voices, start screaming, but do not resort to swearing, verbal or physical aggression. One such boy, Richard, a cheerful and affable 14-year-old diagnosed with ADHD, burst into tears when we first met when I asked him if he wanted to learn how to deal with his annoyance in order to improve family relationships. Other explosive children scream and swear, but do not resort to physical aggression. For example, Jack, a lovable, developed, but susceptible to fits of bad mood, a 10-year-old boy diagnosed with ADHD and Tourette's syndrome, regularly demonstrated a lack of adaptive skills and fell into hysterics on the most insignificant reasons, and his cursing and screaming in fits of irritation provoked similar reactions from his parents. But there are also children who demonstrate the whole range of negative reactions. For example, Marvin, a smart, active, impulsive and irritable 8-year-old boy with Tourette's syndrome, depression and ADHD, reacts incredibly intensely to unforeseen changes in the environment (sometimes his reaction turned into physical aggression). On one occasion, Marvin's father accidentally turned off the lights in the room where Marvin was playing a video game, leading to an hour-long scandal of truly epic proportions.

As you read this book, you will realize that there are wonderful qualities in the character of such children, and these children have great potential. In most cases, their general intellectual development is at the normal level. But the lack of adaptability and emotional self-control skills overshadows their positive qualities and causes unthinkable pain for both children and their loved ones. I do not know of any other category of children whose true reasons for their actions would be interpreted so wrongly. Usually, the parents of these children are caring, friendly people with deep feelings of guilt for not being able to help their children.

- You know, - says Jennifer's mother, - every time hope is reborn in me ... every time communication with Jennifer evokes positive emotions ... I look to the future with optimism and love for her awakens in me. and then everything collapses again due to another scandal. I am ashamed to admit it, but most of the time I find it difficult to treat her with love and tenderness, and I do not at all like what she turns our family into. We live in a situation of constant crisis.

For proper interaction with explosive children, first of all, a clear understanding of the reasons for such behavior is necessary. Effective coping strategies naturally flow from understanding the causes of the child's peculiar behavior. In some cases, understanding the motivations for such behavior itself leads to better relationships between children and adults, even without the use of special strategies. The first chapters of this book will help the reader understand why it is so difficult for explosive children to adapt to changes in the environment and the demands of others, why they are so irritable and prone to unpredictable tantrums. Along the way, we will find out why the popular methods used to communicate with difficult children often do not live up to expectations. In the chapters that follow, you will read about alternative strategies that I have successfully used over the years with children, their families and teachers.

Children behave well if they can

For parents, there is nothing more surprising and more entertaining than watching their child learn new skills and cope with more and more complex problems on their own every month and year. First, he begins to crawl, then walk, and then run. Babble gradually turns into speech that is understandable to others. The smile develops into more subtle forms of human communication. The child memorizes letters, begins to read individual words, sentences, paragraphs, books.

Some children start reading late, others never achieve outstanding athletic performance. And there are children who are lagging behind in the field adaptability and self-control. It is about them that this book is written. Mastering these skills is extremely important for the general development of the child, since a harmonious existence is unthinkable without the ability to resolve emerging problems and settle disagreements with others, as well as to control oneself in situations of emotional stress. In fact, it is difficult to imagine a situation that would not require flexibility, adaptability and self-control from the child. When children argue about what to play, adults hope that both children have problem-solving skills that will help them arrive at a mutually beneficial solution that works for both of them. If, due to bad weather, parents are forced to cancel a long-awaited trip to Luna Park, they hope that their child will be able to survive the disappointment without hysteria, agree with the change in plans and discuss an alternative pastime. If the child is absorbed in a video game and it is time to set the table, parents hope that the child will be able to interrupt the game, deal with natural feelings of irritation, and realize that he can return to the game later. And if a child decided to eat three pancakes today and three more tomorrow, and his younger brother also wanted pancakes for breakfast, we hope that this child is able to move away from a black and white assessment of the situation (“these are the three pancakes that I was going to eat tomorrow, and I won’t give them to anyone ”) and recognize intermediate shades in it (“ I don’t need these particular pancakes… I can ask my mother to buy more… or maybe tomorrow I don’t want pancakes, but I want something else ”).

Often a child's maladaptivity and irritability are noticeable literally from the moment of birth. Infants with a heavy temper are more likely to suffer from colic, they do not have a regular feeding and sleep regimen, they find it difficult to calm down, overreact to noise, light and discomfort (hunger, cold, wet diaper, etc.) and do not tolerate any changes. Other children may have problems with adaptability and self-control later, when the world around them begins to demand from them the ability to use spoken language, self-organization, restraining their impulses, emotional self-control and socialization skills.

This is an extremely important topic that needs to be discussed. If you consider the child's behavior intentional, conscious and purposeful, then such labels as "stubborn", "debater", "little dictator", "extortionist", "thirsty for attention", "absurd", "lover to command", "brawler" , “Off the chain”, etc. will seem quite reasonable to you, and the use of popular strategies forcing obedience and explaining to the child “who is in charge” will become an acceptable way to solve the problem. Is this how you explain your child's behavior? You are not alone in this. And you are not the only one who finds that such an explanation and the corresponding parenting strategy do not work.

Is it possible to understand the true reasons for this behavior? Can we find the right words to describe the hardships these children face? Are there alternative parenting strategies that meet the needs of explosive children and their parents better than traditional ones?

Yes, yes and yes again.

Let's start with the reasons for this behavior. The main idea of this book can be summed up like this:

children behave well if they can.

Let's move on to a general description of the problem. Rule number one: Don't overly believe that your psychiatric diagnosis will help you understand your explosive child. The diagnosis will not help to understand what impaired intellectual skills underlie his constant scandals and tantrums. The terms ADHD, bipolar disorder, or obsessive-compulsive disorder do not give us any information about the intellectual skills that a child does not have and that we adults need to help them acquire.

The following description is much more useful than any diagnosis, for it helps to understand what happens to the child (and sometimes to the adult) when he explodes:

an explosion (outburst of irritation), like any other form of maladaptive behavior, occurs when the demands placed on a person exceed his ability to adequately respond to them.

You will not find this description in the diagnostic manuals (which, I confess, does not bother me too much). In fact, this is a good description of the vast majority of maladaptive behaviors in humans. This is why people experience panic attacks. This is why a small child may refuse to sleep in their own bed. That is why the child can crawl under the table and curl up there in the fetal position. That is why the explosive kids this book is about explodes. Now it remains for us to find out what factors prevent your the child to achieve the level of adaptability and self-control that is required of him.

Parent: “We have said this a thousand times ... Why can't you do what they ask you to do? Why are you so angry?

Explosive child: "I do not know".

Alas, we do not live in an ideal world. Explosive children are rarely able to clearly describe their difficulties. Nevertheless, some children and adults find it quite available ways explain what happens to them at the moment of an explosion of emotions.

One of my young patients described the state of cerebral stupor at the moment of irritation as "brain closure." He explained that his brain was locked on an idea and he could not part with it, despite all the reasonable and reasonable attempts of others to help him. Another boy with great knowledge of computers said that he would like to have a Pentium processor in his brain so that he can think faster and more rationally in a state of irritation. Dr. Daniel Golman in his book " Emotional intelligence"Describes a similar condition as" hacking neurons. " It is quite clear that in the midst of an explosion of emotions, "no one is at home." Therefore, our task is to prevent your child's brain from closing or hacking his neurons, to help him think clearly and rationally when he is at the peak of irritation, and to make sure that “someone is at home”.

In this chapter, many new ideas have been expressed that are worth considering. Here is a short list of them.

a) Adaptability and self-control are important developing skills that some children do not develop at a level appropriate for their age. A delay in the development of these skills leads to various deviations in behavior: sudden manifestations of irascibility, tantrums, physical and verbal aggression, which often become a reaction to the most innocent set of circumstances and have a traumatic, negative impact on the relationship of these children with parents, teachers, brothers, sisters and peers.

b) The strategy for helping the child depends on how and with what words do you explain his explosive behavior.

c) Rejection of traditional explanations means rejection of traditional methods of education. You need new plan action. But there’s something else to figure out first.

Stabilizers and destabilizers

If we want to completely or at least partially get rid of scandals and tantrums, it is necessary to do some preliminary work. If it is true that children behave well, if they can, then we must first of all understand what prevents a child from behaving well. In other words, we need to identify the factors that inhibit the development of adaptability and emotional self-control skills in your child. In this chapter, we will take a closer look at different kinds internal stabilizers, that is, certain mental skills, the absence of which leads the child to an explosive outburst.

Fortunately, their list is not long: this conscious self-management skills, speech skills, emotion control skills, intellectual flexibility skills, and social skills. Before going any further, let us note several important points. Firstly, it is about skills. Thus, stabilizers are skills that can and should be developed. Second, rewarding and punishing upbringing will not help you acquire any of these skills. Conscious self-management, speech, or social skills cannot be taught with diary stickers or sent to a corner. Third, note that this list does not contain any diagnoses, and you already know why: diagnoses do not help you figure out which mental skills are underdeveloped in your child. Finally, the list lacks “not enough strict parents"And" disadvantages of education. " Lack of rigor and bad Education do not explain why the child lacks the skills of adaptability and emotional self-control.

Identifying the missing stabilizers can solve several problems at once. First, if you understand exactly what skills your child is lacking, you (and if you have the gift of persuasion, others will help you) will not explain his behavior as unmotivated, selfish, or dictated by a desire to manipulate. Second, identifying your child's stabilizers makes explosive situations more predictable. Finally, if you know what skills your child is missing, you know what needs to be taught.

Conscious self-management skills

Conscious self-management skills, i.e. ability to switch from one task to another, organization and planning(developing an appropriate plan of action when faced with a problem or irritant), and, ability to distance oneself from affect(the ability to separate emotional reaction on the problem from the intellectual effort required to solve the problem) are key skills needed to effectively deal with irritation, think flexibly and solve problems that arise.

It is generally accepted that the development of these skills is responsible for the frontal, prefrontal and subcortical regions of the brain, which are controlled by the frontal regions. It helps to understand what is happening (or, more precisely, what not going on) in the head of explosive children. By the way, the majority of children diagnosed with ADHD have problems with the skills of conscious self-management. Let's take a closer look at each of these skills.

The transition from one situation (for example, school recess) to another that is very different from the first (for example, a reading lesson) requires switching from one attitude (during recess, you can run, make noise, communicate with friends) to another (during the lesson you should sit at at a desk and read quietly on your own). If it is difficult for a child to switch, then even ten minutes after the start of the lesson, he will still behave as if at recess. In other words, the problem of switching from one task to another explains why many children find it difficult to move from the rules and requirements of one situation to the rules and requirements of another situation. Perhaps the inability to switch is also the reason for the "lock" of the child in the case when the parents call him to dinner and ask him to turn off the TV. If the child does not know how to switch, and at the same time external factors, for example, the insistence of parents, stir up his irritation or prevent him from collecting his thoughts, then even banal demands can lead to a serious explosion. Such children do not try to be naughty at all, they just find it difficult to switch from one mood to another.

Adult: My child behaves great as long as everything goes the way he wants.

Psychologist: It's clear.

Adult: Doesn't that mean that he only wants to do his own thing?

Psychologist: We all want to do our own thing. Your child lacks some of the skills that make it easy to switch from one task to another that you put before him.

Adult: What should I do?

Psychologist: Develop these skills in him.

How do we know that a child has problems switching from one task to another? Yes, he talks about it himself! Let's listen.

Adult: I'm in a hurry today. Finish breakfast, put your plate in the sink, and get ready for school.

Child: I haven't finished yet.

Adult: Well, take an apple or something else with you. Come on, get ready! I need to get to the post office on the way.

Child: But I can not!

Adult: What can't you? Why do you always act like that when we're late? At least once, do what I ask you to do, without wrangling!

Child: But I don’t know what to do!

Adult: You said that! Stop getting on my nerves!

Child: (Bang bang !!!)

Can you help your child switch from one task to another? Of course. But not with the help of threats and the consequences arising from them.

Organization and planning is also a type of key skill required to assess different behaviors when faced with problems or irritants. Children with ADHD are known to be disorganized and impulsive. They often forget to write down their homework, find it difficult to concentrate on the lesson and quickly get ready for school in the morning. They often shout out answers from their seats in class, cannot wait for their turn and interrupt the interlocutor. It is the disorganization and inability to plan that explain the difficulties that many children experience when faced with everyday problems and irritants. What should be done when faced with a stimulus? A solution to the irritating problem must be found. But finding a solution to a problem requires organizational and planning skills. First, it is necessary to clearly define the problem we are facing (it is difficult to look for a solution to the problem if you do not know what it is), then consider different options its decisions, evaluate them in terms of consequences and choose the appropriate strategy of behavior.

Many children think so disorganized that they are not even able to determine what exactly irritates them. Sometimes disorganization is manifested in the fact that the child sees only one single solution to the problem and is not able to take into account alternative options. Many are so impulsive that, even with the ability to find alternative solutions, they still do the first thing that comes to their mind. Badly? Yes, the first solution that comes up is often the worst. Successful solutions require organization and control over impulsivity. Therefore, we often come across children with a rare ability to express themselves with the worst side... In addition, many disorganized and impulsive children exhibit so-called "reflex negativism": they tend to immediately answer "no" to any change in plans, a new idea or a request addressed to them.

Can an explosive child be taught to solve problems in a more organized and less impulsive way? Of course. But punishment or diary stickers won't help here.

The ability to think clearly and solve problems is closely related to the ability to separate self from the emotions associated with irritation. This ability is called the separation of affect. Emotions allow us to muster the strength to solve a problem, but finding the solution itself requires clear thinking, not emotion. Separation of affect allows a person to temporarily "postpone" emotions and approach the problem solution objectively, rationally and logically. Children who know how to separate thoughts from emotions usually respond to a problem or stimulus in an intelligent, not purely emotional way, and this is good. But if such a skill is absent or insufficiently developed, then children react to obstacles on the way not so much rationally as emotionally, and this is bad. They may feel intense emotions, but are often unable to distract and postpone emotional experiences until the time when they calm down and can soberly consider the situation. In fact, they can even solve problems on their own (and in calmer circumstances often demonstrate this ability), but in the heat of irritation, strong emotions deprive them of this opportunity. In such cases, disobedience is not deliberate: children become victims own emotions caused by severe irritation, they cannot turn to rational thinking until they calm down. You know how it goes.

Adult: It's time to shut down your computer and go to bed.

Child (responding under the influence of emotion):- Leave me alone, I can't turn it off now! I have a game in full swing!

Adult (perhaps also guided by emotions rather than reason): You always have a game in full swing. Go to sleep! Now!

Child: Crap! You ruined everything for me!

Adult: Did I ruin everything for you ?! Come on, march out of here before I ruin something for you!

Child: (Bang bang !!!)

As can be seen from the example of this dialogue, if parents react to the behavior of a child who has not mastered the skill of separating affect by persistent repetition of their demand and attempts to “put the child in his place”, this does not help him to calm down and start thinking sanely in the heat of irritation. Quite the opposite. Therefore, we often explain to explosive children, their parents and teachers that we have only two goals: goal number two - learn to think clearly in the heat of irritation, goal number one - stay calm enough to reach goal number two.

Speech skills

How can a delay in language development cause a delay in the development of adaptability and emotional self-control skills? Our thinking and communication are inextricably linked with language. Language distinguishes humans from animals. For example, dogs cannot speak. Therefore, if you step on the dog's tail, it has only three options for reaction: growl, bite, or run away. But if you step on the tail (figuratively) of a person with a speech delay, he too will have no choice but to growl at you, bite, or run away. From this point of view, swearing is nothing more than growling. This is what people do when they cannot turn to a more intelligible way of expressing their thoughts and emotions.

Many prominent theorists have emphasized the importance of speech for the development of human thinking, self-control, goal setting, and emotion management. Let's look at the role of three specific speech skills: the skill of identifying and expressing emotions, the skill of recognizing and formulating one's own needs and problem solving skill.

Many explosive kids don't have enough vocabulary to define and express your emotions. This is a serious problem, because when you are annoyed, it is very important to be able to explain to others that you are annoyed. Imagine what it is like to experience sensations associated with irritation: blood rushing to your face, excitement, tension, a readiness to explode - and at the same time not be able to express your feelings out loud? In such a situation, it is highly likely that instead of a simple “I’m annoyed”, other words and expressions will pour out of you, including “fuck you,” “I hate you,” “shut up,” “leave me alone,” or something worse. ... Also, if your vocabulary does not contain the word “irritation,” others may think that you are angry, hostile, “unchained,” or angry. They will behave accordingly, and this, in turn, will annoy you even more.

There are children who do not experience difficulties in identifying and expressing their emotions, but at the same time they do not know how to formulate what is happening to them and what they need. For example, most children under the age of one and a half years cannot express their needs in words. Therefore, when they need something, they point fingers, moo, cry or babble. We are trying to understand what the child wants to say: "I want to eat", "My pants are wet", "Play with me" or "I'm tired"? But often older children (and even adults) are unable to clearly formulate a problem or articulate their own needs. How can you not get irritated!

Language is a mechanism by which a person solves problems, because the thought process takes place mainly in verbal form. Many decisions stored in our brain (those that we made ourselves, or learned from the experience of other people) are "written" in verbal form. In general, let's face it, a person is not very creative in solving problems. When solving problems of the present, he usually relies on the experience of the past. For example, if you have a punctured wheel, you do not need to come up with an original and unexpected solution. It is enough to remember how you or someone else acted in a similar situation the last time. And there won't be many options. You can change the wheel yourself, call someone for help, call the service, swear, cry, or leave the car on the side of the road (some of these solutions are effective, some are not very good). Most children make decisions based on previous experience, automatically and quite efficiently. But in children with insufficient speech development may have trouble remembering the necessary solutions, since information about them is stored in memory in verbal form.

Here's an example of George.

Psychologist: George, I understand you lost your temper during football practice.

George: Well, yes.

Psychologist: And what happened?

George: The coach sent me off the field, and I didn't want to leave.

Psychologist: I take it you told him you were terribly angry.

George: Well, yes.

Psychologist: I think you did the right thing by telling him about it. And what happened next?

George: He did not want to let me out on the field, and for that I kicked him.

Psychologist: Did you kick the coach?

George: Well, yes.

Psychologist: And what happened next?

George: He kicked me out of the team.

Psychologist: Very sorry.

George: I didn't kick him hard at all.

Psychologist: I guess it's not about how hard you kicked him. Do you think there was something else you could have done when you got angry instead of kicking the coach?

George: Well, then nothing else occurred to me.

Psychologist: Can you think of something else now?

George: I could ask when he is going to bring me back to the field.

Psychologist: That would probably be better than kicking, right?

George: Yes.

Psychologist: But why didn't you think of anything better than kicking the coach during your workout?

George: Do not know.

Can children be taught to use basic words to express emotions? More clearly articulate your needs and experiences? Is it more efficient to use appropriate solutions that are stored in their brains? Of course. But not with the help of methods of reward and punishment.

Emotion control skills

Children (and adults) can sometimes be irritated, agitated, unhappy, moody, and tired. At such moments, they (like adults) behave less flexible and easily lose emotional self-control. It is good if the irritation does not last long, and the children relatively quickly return to their normal, completely happy state. But there are children for whom irritation, hyperexcitability, whims and fatigue are more common than other types of mood, and at the same time they are experienced by them much more sharply. This greatly affects both the adaptability of these children and their ability to emotional self-control, and leads to a delay in the development of relevant skills.

Are these children depressed? Some experts believe that the term depression applies only to those children who are invariably in a bad mood, depressed, gloomy and full of hopelessness. Most irritable explosive kids are not like that. Do they have bipolar disorder? V last years among psychologists, there has been an alarming tendency to equate the term "explosive" with the term "bipolar", that is, to interpret increased irritability solely as a physiological problem and to regard the lack of a proper response to stimulants or antidepressants as confirmation of such a diagnosis. This trend most likely explains both the increase in the number of diagnoses of bipolar disorder in children and the popularity of medications mood stabilizing drugs - atypical antipsychotic drugs.

As you already know, explosive reactions can be caused by different factors and irritability is just one of them. And in itself, increased irritability can be caused not only by chemical processes occurring in the brain. Some children are irritable due to chronic problems associated with academic failure, bad relationship with peers or bullying by classmates. Medication does not help for poor grades, lack of friends, or bullying. There are many children in the world diagnosed with bipolar disorder, whose explosive hazard is much better explained by the delay in the development of cognitive skills, and the prescribed a large number mood stabilizers just miss the mark. If a child behaves like a person with bipolar disorder only in those situations that irritate him, then it is not a bipolar disorder, but a delay in the development of adaptability and self-control skills.

It is clear that chronic irritability and excitability fuel the explosive state that prevents a child from intelligently and adaptively responding to normal everyday problems.

Mother: Mickey, why are you so gloomy? Today such good weather! Why are you sitting at home all day?

Mickey (sliding low in a chair, irritated): The wind is outside.

Mother: Wind?

Mickey (even more annoyed): I say - the wind! I hate the wind.

Mother: Mickey, you could play basketball, swim ... Why are you so worried about some kind of wind?

Mickey (extremely annoyed): This wind got me! Leave me alone!

Anxiety is also directly related to the ability to control emotions. Like irritability, worry and anxiety interfere with rational reasoning. And as luck would have it, just when we are afraid of something (monsters under the bed, math test, new or unpredictable situation), we need the ability to think sanely most of all. The combination of anxiety and irritation makes some children burst into tears. I must say they were lucky. Some, less fortunate ones, will simply explode in a difficult situation. I call those children who cry lucky because we adults react much more sympathetically to crying than to rage, although both have the same cause. In addition, it is clear why children diagnosed with bipolar disorder tend to ritualize their actions: in the absence rational thinking ritual is the only remedy they can use to reduce anxiety.

For example, I'll tell you about myself. Before, I was afraid to fly on airplanes. Yes, imagine, I was afraid. And believe me, my fear (sweaty palms, pounding heart, thoughts of a possible crash) was not a deliberate ploy calculated to get the attention of the flight attendants. I was really horrified by the thought that I was rushing at an altitude of eight kilometers at a speed of 800 kilometers per hour in an aluminum vessel filled with gasoline, and that my life was in the hands of strangers, pilots and air traffic controllers. In order to cope with my fear, I developed several extremely important rituals for me: I always sat next to the window to watch the approaching aircraft, and carefully studied the safety instructions before take off. I was sure of saving power my rituals, because not a single plane with me on board has ever crashed.

Didn't these rituals make a strange impression at times? Once, at an altitude of about 10 kilometers, I, as usual, peered intently into the window, watching the approaching planes. And suddenly I saw what I had always feared: an airplane appeared on the horizon, flying in our direction. According to my "expert" estimate, we had no more than five minutes until the trajectories of both planes crossed and my life would suddenly end in the flame of an explosion. Therefore, I did what any frightened and loosing mind would do in my place: I called the stewardess. There was not a second to waste.

"See the plane over there?" - I stammered, pointing to a point barely noticeable in the distance. The stewardess looked out the window. "Do you think the pilots see him?" - I demanded an answer. The stewardess tried to hide her amazement (or ridicule, I could not make out) and replied: "Do not worry, I will definitely inform the pilots about this."

This calmed me down, although I was sure that my heroism was not appreciated by the flight attendants or the passengers sitting next to me (who were now looking around the plane in search of unoccupied seats in order to change seats away from me). Of course, the plane landed safely. On exiting the plane, I was greeted by the smiling captain of the plane and the flight attendant. The stewardess introduced me to the captain: "Sir, this is the gentleman who helped you fly the plane."

I can proudly say that while I still prefer a seat near the window, I no longer track every approaching aircraft or study the safety instructions (and I still landed safely hundreds of times). How did I overcome my fear? Practice. And clarity of thought. It all started with the words of an Air Florida pilot. I boarded the plane, and the captain met the passengers at the entrance. I immediately took the opportunity and asked him: "You will be careful during the flight, won't you?" He can't even imagine how his answer helped me: "Do you think I'm in a hurry to the next world, buddy?"

The fact that the pilot also wants to stay alive was a revelation to me, and it made me think. About the thousands of aircraft in the air at any given time, and how unlikely the probability of an accident is the very aircraft in which I am. About the millions of flights that arrive safely at their destination every year. About all those numerous flights that I have already experienced without any incidents. About the calmness of the flight attendants. The fact that most of the passengers in the flight are sleeping peacefully, even in turbulence. Quite unintentionally, this Air Florida pilot discovered a new way of thinking for me that helps me in those moments when I tend to lose my head. Instead of staring out the window, wondering if the wing will fall off, I can now focus on less disturbing thoughts, such as "the pilot wants to survive too" or "the probability of an accident is extremely small." As you can see, we can provide invaluable support to explosive children by helping them maintain clarity of thought during those moments when they tend to lose their heads.

Can an irritable or anxiety-prone child be taught adaptive problem-solving while reducing their irritability and anxiety? Of course. But not at the expense of wasting time and effort to invent new and original punishments.

Intellectual flexibility skills

Young children are usually prone to straightforward, black-and-white and literal perceptions of reality. This is due to the fact that in early childhood, when children are just beginning their acquaintance with the world around them, it is easier for them to simply add two and two, while exceptions to the rules or different points of view complicate their task. But as they grow up, children realize that most of the real situations are not black and white, and that exceptions to the rules and different points of view are an integral part of our life. Returning home from grandmother, we do not always choose the same road, we do not always have dinner at the same time, and the weather does not always contribute to the implementation of our plans. Unfortunately, for some children, the ability to overcome the framework of black and white perception of reality does not develop as quickly as we would like. Such children are usually diagnosed with "non-verbal learning disability" or "Ac-perger syndrome", but mostly their difficulties are associated with the fact that in our multicolored world they try to think in black and white. An adaptive approach to reality is extremely difficult for them, and the encounter with unforeseen circumstances often brings them to a complete loss of control over themselves.

The children in question prefer predictability and a measured course of life. They are lost when faced with unexpected, unpredictable, ambiguous situations. They have problems when they need to adapt to the situation, adjust their views, they pay too close attention to individual facts and details, but often they are not able to assess the overall picture. For example, a child may insist that he be released for a recess. certain time, because at school "we always have a change at this time", not taking into account any likely consequences such a decision (you will have to run at recess alone), nor important circumstances (for example, a school meeting) that require changes to familiar image action. These children have great difficulty trying to apply a limited set of rules to a world that requires them to take an integrated approach.

Child (in the car): Dad, we don't usually come home this way.

Father (behind the wheel): And today I decided to go a different way for the sake of variety.

Child: But this is the wrong way!

Father: Well, yes, this is not the road we always drive, but it is shorter.

Child: No, you don't have to go here! This is not the right street! I don't know this road!

Father: Listen, does it really matter? Why not try to get home by another road once?

Child: (Bang !!!)

You probably already guessed that Jennifer (the star of the pancake episode described in the first chapter) is a typical example of a child trying to operate with black and white categories in our multicolored world. Can such a Jennifer be taught a less straightforward approach to reality? Undoubtedly. But only if the adults around her are themselves able to think flexibly.

Social skills

Few types of human activity require more flexibility, breadth of thinking and speed of reaction than communication in society. Researchers identify a number of special intellectual skills called information-processing skills. social communication that are involved in almost all interactions between people. A quick overview of these skills will help you understand how communication can be a source of annoyance, especially for those children who are not overly proficient in its intricacies, and how delays in social skill development can lead to explosions.

Imagine a boy standing in a school hallway. A classmate comes up to him with a wide smile on his face, slaps him hard on the back and shouts: "Hello!" The boy who has been slapped on the back has a few seconds to decide how to react.

“Who just slapped me on the back? Was there something else in the posture and expression on this guy's face, besides a smile, which makes me understand if it was a friendly clap or he wanted to offend me? " At the same time, the boy must compare his guesses with previous experience ("Has it happened before that I was slapped on the back and smiled?") In order to correctly assess the situation ("Was it an overly cordial greeting or an angry trick?"). Then he must decide which development of the situation is preferable for him: "It was unpleasant, but I do not want to get involved in a fight with this guy," or "Great, I need to invite him to play something." Then, based on his assessment, the boy should think about how to respond, either based on his previous experience, or coming up with something new, taking into account the likely consequences ("If I smile in response, he may offer to play"), choose the best option, put it into execution, analyze the subsequent course of events and adjust your reaction accordingly.

Quite a lot of mental operations for one simple event, isn't it? For all that, this process is going on non-stop and requires considerable efficiency and adaptability. Most people do all these mental operations without thinking, but imagine how much this would drive you crazy if it did not happen automatically.

Can you help these children develop social skills? As a rule, yes. This usually takes a long time. But progress is only possible when adults realize that trying to motivate a child who is already motivated is not The best way fill the deficit in communication skills.

You need to understand that children, and not only explosive ones, often lack the skills that we called stabilizers. Adaptability and resistance to irritation are not given to everyone from birth, and not everyone can easily acquire it. It often seems to adults that such abilities are innate and the same in all children, therefore it is generally accepted that an explosive child is simply not wants be obedient and control yourself when faced with stimuli. But now you know that it is not.

Incidentally, it is extremely important how we interpret the above stabilizers: how justification child behavior or how the reason this behavior. If you see the lack of stabilizers as an excuse, you are cutting yourself off from making amends. Conversely, if the lack of stabilizers is viewed as a cause of misbehavior, the door swings open: we know what kind of help a child needs and what to do. Real help is practically impossible without a serious and comprehensive study of the difficulties experienced by the child.

Destabilizers

Before moving on to the next chapter, let's focus on one more term: destabilizers.

What is a destabilizer? This is the situation or event that usually triggers an explosive outbreak. In other words, it is problems to be solved. There are a lot of options here, but you can make an approximate short list: performance homework, sensory hypersensitivity, tics, sibling relationships, going to bed, waking up in the morning, eating, boredom, driving, school change, bullying at school, reading, writing, being tired, hot or hungry.

So, if stabilizers are missing skills, then destabilizers are events or situations that provoke an explosion. Help your child develop the necessary mental skills and solve the problems facing him - and there will be no explosions.

Once you figure out what your child's stabilizers and destabilizers are, his explosive outbursts will become quite predictable. Many people think that the explosion of children's emotions is unpredictable and arises from scratch, but this point of view does not correspond to the truth. As you read Chapter Six, you'll understand why predictable explosions are easier to deal with than unpredictable ones.

Stabilizers and destabilizers in real life

It has probably already occurred to you that, due to the variety of individual stabilizers and destabilizers, there should be various external manifestations of maladaptivity and weakened emotional self-control in different children. To more clearly imagine how such things look in real life, I will give examples from my practice. You may find similarities between the ones in this chapter and your own explosive children or students. Throughout the book, we will return more than once to our heroes and their families.

Casey

Casey, a 6-year-old boy, lives with his parents and younger sister. His parents said that at home Casey is hyperactive, cannot play on his own (but he does not play very well with other children) and does not switch well from one activity to another. To drive him home from the street is an incredible effort. According to his parents, he is very clever boy, with a good memory, but at the same time he is very anxious when faced with a new task or a change in situation, and is often in an irritated and agitated state. Parents read a lot about ADHD because they believed it was their case, but they still felt that many of their son's behaviors did not fit into the scope of this disorder. It seemed to them that the label "little dictator" described their son's behavior much more accurately than any of the traditional diagnoses. Casey was very selective and picky in his choice of clothing and food (he often complained that clothes were annoying and food smells strange). Similar features have appeared in the boy's behavior since he was 2 years old.

The parents turned to a psychologist who helped them develop a system of rewards and punishments. They approached the application of the developed system responsibly, but found that Casey's hyperactivity, maladaptation and irritability overpower his desire to get rewards and avoid punishment. In fact, this system made him even more irritable, but the psychologist insisted that it must be adhered to, and it will definitely correct the child's behavior. However, this did not happen, and after three months her parents abandoned her. They repeatedly tried to discuss his behavior with their son, but even in good mood his ability to discuss his own behavior was extremely low. A few seconds later he ran out of the room shouting: "I can't talk about it now!"

At school, Casey also had problems. The first grade teacher said that sometimes Casey fights or yells at other children during recess or free-form lessons, especially if the situation is not going the way he wants. Like his parents, the teacher noted Casey's outstanding knowledge, but was worried about his inability to solve problems on his own. If the lesson required to apply the rules learned by heart, then Casey shone. But when it was necessary to use the same information in more abstract, complex, close to real life situations, his answers were confused and unintelligible. When Casey was annoyed by the situation in the lesson or the task ahead of him, he would shout: “I'm not doing it!”, Got excited or started crying, and sometimes even ran out of the class. He ran away from school several times, making everyone very anxious. Sometimes he calmed down quickly, but sometimes it took him 20-30 minutes to recover. As a result, he felt remorse (“I'm sorry I ran out of class ... I know I shouldn't have done that”), and sometimes he really couldn't remember what happened.

The teacher could often predict that Casey would have a difficult day, the moment he entered the classroom door. But she also noticed that Casey can literally “fall apart,” even if the day is relatively smooth. The teacher was very worried about Casey's relationship with the other guys. One got the impression that the boy was missing Feedback: he did not understand how others perceive his actions and, accordingly, could not correlate his behavior with the reaction of other children.

At the first meeting with the new psychologist, Casey was extremely hyperactive and either could not, or did not want to talk about his problems. He did not stop for a minute and grabbed one or the other toy in the office. When his parents were invited to the room, he sat just as long as it took to listen to why he was brought to a new psychologist. And they brought him in to discuss the frustration and irritation that arose in him in those cases when the situation did not develop as he expected. He agreed that it does happen sometimes. When his parents tried to persuade him to discuss this problem, he buried his mother in the shoulder. When they insisted, he warned: "I can't talk about it now!" However, the parents continued to insist, and as a result, he, blushing and getting excited, ran out of the office.

- Is this a typical reaction? The psychologist asked.

“No, at home the irritation spills out much more strongly,” replied the mother, “it doesn’t come to a fight with us (although at school he sometimes could hit a classmate), but he completely loses control of himself ... blushes, screams or sobs, yelling:“ I I hate you! "

- You know, the fact that he ran out of the office, to some extent - a manifestation of adaptability, - said the psychologist.

- How is it? - the father was surprised.

“Well, from what you told me, it obviously follows that it is very difficult for him to think over and discuss his own behavior, as well as to endure the irritation caused by our attempts to talk him,” the doctor replied. “We want Casey to take part in the discussion and describe the situation in words. But the fact that he ran out of the office, most likely, helped him refrain from other actions: cursing, throwing objects, physical aggression, which would have been much worse.

“We are able to come to terms with many of Casey’s behavior,” her mother said. - But these flashes of him. and how devastating they are to our entire family. and how he will live further if we do not help him ... this worries us very much.

What stabilizers are missing from Casey? It can be assumed that it is difficult for him to switch from one view intellectual activity on the other (the skills of conscious self-management), he is irritable (the skills of controlling emotions), is uncomfortable when faced with new tasks and situations (the skills of intellectual flexibility) and, perhaps, his social skills are not sufficiently developed. It remained unclear whether the boy's difficulties were associated with a delay in the development of speech skills. Hypersensitivity was clearly among its destabilizers.

Thus, the primary task was to identify the stabilizers that Casey lacked (in order to determine which skills to develop in him), and to compile complete list destabilizers (to identify the problems that need to be resolved). The question of the use of drugs to reduce hyperactivity, impulsivity and irritability remained open.

Helen

Helen's mother and father first turned to specialists when the girl was seven years old. She can be described as adorable, emotional, creative, energetic, outgoing girl. But her parents complained about her tension, irascibility, passion for arguments, stubbornness and unbearable behavior under the influence of irritation. They noticed that Helen is very difficult to switch from one activity to another and she does not know how to cope with herself when the situation does not develop as she expected. It was especially difficult for them on weekends. Although Helen did not like going to school, on weekends she got bored and found it very difficult to please. The piano teacher complained that Helen was easily annoyed and angry when she had to learn new pieces. The second grade teacher noticed that Helen often grumbles when the class starts to study. new topic... The psychological and educational test showed that, despite Helen's developmental level exceeding average for her age, her speech is not sufficiently developed (you guessed it, we are talking about such stabilizers as speech skills and intellectual flexibility skills).

At one of the first meetings with a psychologist, Helen's parents talked about the explosion that happened to her a week earlier.

“Helene said Tuesday she wanted stuffed peppers for lunch. On Wednesday afternoon, I left work early to cook this dish for her, - said the father. “Back from the pool on Wednesday, she looked a little tired, and when I told her that I made her the peppers she asked for, she grumbled, 'I'll be macaroni and cheese.' This surprised me a little, because I know that she actually loves stuffed peppers. And, of course, I was a little upset because I spent a lot of time to please her. In general, I replied that she would have to eat pepper. But it seems that she could not get out of her head the idea of macaroni and cheese, and I continued to insist that she eat pepper. The more I insisted, the more irritated she became. In the end, she exploded: she screamed and cried, but I firmly decided that she would eat the pepper cooked for her.

“We told her to go to her room and sit there until she agrees to eat pepper,” Helen’s mother replied. - For a whole hour she screamed and cried in her room. At some point, she started banging on the mirror and broke it. Can you imagine? And it's all because of the stuffed peppers! Several times I went into her room and tried to calm her down, but to no avail. She was completely insane. The most amazing thing is that later she could not even remember why she was so upset.

- Why was it so important for you that she ate stuffed peppers, and not macaroni and cheese? - asked the psychologist.

“Because I put in a lot of effort to please her,” my father replied.

“Sounds convincing,” said the specialist. - But what do you think, this scandal, her outburst of rage, a broken mirror and a ruined evening will teach her to behave differently in similar situations, irritating?

“No,” came the immediate, friendly response.

- How did Helen behave when the scandal ended? - asked the psychologist.

“I repented very much and was very kind to us,” replied the mother. “In such situations, I don’t know whether to forgive her right away or continue to show her my displeasure so that she learns that we are disgusted with such behavior.

- Well, - answered the psychologist, - if you understand that provoking and experiencing such outbreaks will not teach her to cope with irritation in the future, then you should understand that your discontent is unlikely to help her either.

- Yes, but how to explain to her that such behavior is unacceptable? - asked the mother.

- As far as I understand, - said the psychologist, - Helen knows very well that you don't like this behavior at all ... I don't think she needs it once again explain. The girl really wants to get your approval ... she doesn't like scandals any more than you ... so I don't think she needs additional motivation for normal behavior.

What Helene and her parents really need is a different way of resolving differences and problems.

“We have to help Helen master a number of skills,” the psychologist continued. - We need to teach her to cope with uncertainty and unpredictability. And it seems that attention should be paid to the development of her speech skills. I would like to receive more information about specific situations that cause her tantrums. This will help us determine exactly what problems need to be addressed. Over the next week, I would ask you to write down all the situations in which Helen will demonstrate severe irritation... I suspect there are seven to eight destabilizers causing her explosions. The list you have compiled will help me identify them.

Danny

Danny is in fifth grade. His parents separated when the boy was seven years old, but they managed to remain friends and both take part in raising their children. Every weekend Danny and his younger sister spend with the father and his bride. Danny's mother describes him as a very developed boy, prone to perfectionism, subject to sudden changes in mood, irritable and, as a result, easily losing self-control. Danny's mom was most worried about the fits of rage that happened to him at least several times a week, starting with two years of age... During such attacks, he is capable of verbal and physical aggression. In addition, the mother worries about how these attacks are affecting Danny's sister, who at times is afraid of her older brother and sometimes takes pleasure in provoking him. Danny never had a fit of rage at school.

Danny has visited psychologists on numerous occasions and, like most explosive kids, has amassed an impressive list of diagnoses, including oppositional defiant behavior disorder, depression, and bipolar disorder. Several years ago, the family doctor prescribed Ritalin for the boy, but the medication did not affect abrupt changes his mood, and Danny was still headstrong and explosive. The psychiatrist tried to prescribe him an antidepressant, but this drug only increased his excitability and hyperactivity.

- Danny can be in a good mood, and suddenly - bam! - something does not go the way he wants, and he starts to tear and throw, - says his mother. “I just don’t know what to do. A couple of days ago, we were driving in a car, and I missed our turn. Danny was getting nervous that the journey would take longer. And suddenly my ten-year-old son began to kick the back of my seat with force. Right in the car! But I was driving! It's just some kind of madness!

“I’m tired of hearing from others that it’s all because I’m a single mother. My ex-husband still accepts Active participation in Danny's upbringing, and we never turned our kids against their father or mother, as sometimes happens after a divorce. I would say that the father even tries too hard to be his son's best friend. But in any case, Danny's tantrums began long before the quarrels in our family. Although I must admit that with me he loses his temper much more often than with his father.

During a conversation with a psychologist, Danny sincerely regretted the behavior described by his mother. He said that he was trying his best to restrain himself so as not to swear and not let his hands go, but he did not succeed. From the very beginning, it seemed to the psychologist that the main cause of the explosions was the boy's extreme irritability. He also had a tendency towards black-and-white perception of reality (lack of intellectual flexibility skills). Danny himself explained his frequent explosions in the presence of his mother by the fact that his mother was "too tired."

At the beginning of one of the meetings with the psychologist, the mother described the most violent explosion Danii on last week:

- Yesterday I called him from the street: it was time to finish playing basketball and go to dinner. He began to whine, but I insisted. And suddenly he turned red, began to shower me with curses, yelling that I had ruined his whole life, and I had to hide behind the door from his kicks. I was terrified. And the daughter too. And this is not the first time this has happened. Twenty minutes later, he felt ashamed, and still it does not go into any gate. I'm tired of enduring his aggressive antics, but talking to him when he is in this state is useless.

- What did you do when he calmed down? The psychologist asked.

“I punished him for cursing and trying to hit me,” her mother replied. - I believe that children should be punished for such behavior.

- I understand what you went through. Tell me, do you always punish him for such behavior?

“Of course, I won't let him get away with it so easily.

- What happens when you punish him?

- His roof just goes down. That's horrible.

- But, despite the fact that you punish him for such behavior, he still continues to swear and attack you, right?

“That's why I turned to you,” said the mother with a strained smile.

- You know, I'm not against punishments if they are meaningful, that is, if they really change something in the child's behavior. But I am not a supporter of the idea of punishment for the sake of punishment.

- And what do you think I should do? Just leave it as it is?

- Do not misunderstand me. We need to teach Danny to control his flashes so that he stops rushing at those around him. But your method of “not letting him get away with it” does not change his behavior in any way.

For some time the mother considered what she had said.

“It seemed to me that if I adhered to my line, something would reach him,” she explained. “It didn’t occur to me that all my efforts could be wasted.

“I suspect Danny is well aware that you don't like his behavior. I’m even quite sure that he knows perfectly well how to behave.

- Why doesn't he behave like that? - asked the mother.

- After several meetings with Danny, I got the impression that he is almost always in a bad mood. Tell me, is it because he doesn't really like going here, or is he always like this?

- Always, - the mother replies, - we call him "heart". It seems to me that he does not know how to enjoy life ... and he is very irritable. Everything around him pisses him off.

“What a hard life,” said the psychologist, “both for him and for those around him.

“Yes, you’re right here,” sighed the mother. “But what does this have to do with his temper, fits of rage and attempts to hit me?

- You see, if we consider him as an irritable and gloomy kid, and not as a boor and insolent, then our approach to his upbringing will change greatly.

“I don’t understand what you mean,” said the mother.

- I want to say that irritable and sullen children do not need strict upbringing... I have never seen punishment make a child less irritable and excitable.

“I still don’t understand how his irritability can justify his disrespect and aggression towards me,” said the mother.

- This is not so much an excuse as an explanation. If a person is in an irritated, nervous state all day, then any request, change of plans or inconvenience is perceived by him as something that takes away his last strength. Throughout the day or week, his ability to adequately respond to changes, inconveniences and requests gradually diminishes. The situation in which such an irritable and nervous person eventually loses his composure does not have to be the most acute - he will just face it when his strength is already running out.

Think back to your own feeling of tiredness after a hard day at work. In this state, you are also not able to adequately respond to stimuli, and even a small problem can make you mad. I suspect Danny is in this state almost all the time.

“I’m not going to let him hit me just because he’s annoyed,” said my mother.

“And I didn’t say that you should let him open his hands,” the psychologist replied. - This behavior is unacceptable, but in order to stop fights, swearing and outbursts of anger, you need to concentrate on the things that you can do before the child explodes, and not after. And we need to figure out what destabilizers aggravate his inadaptivity and irascibility. As far as I understand, first of all, you need to help him cope with irritability.

Mitchell

Mitchell was fifteen years old and he was in ninth grade when his parents brought him to see another psychologist. Prior to this, the psychologist met with the boy's mother, a law professor, and his father, a practicing lawyer, who said that Mitchell's diagnoses included Tourette's syndrome and bipolar disorder, but he refused to take any medications other than those that were removed. hypertension: he drinks them to reduce tics. The psychologist was also warned that Mitchell is extremely annoyed that he was brought back to the appointment: he does not trust specialists in the field of psychiatry and psychology at all. The psychologist also learned from his parents that Mitchell is extremely irritable (emotion control skills?), Does not make friends with anyone (social skills?) And may at any moment fall into a rage over the most trifling matter. However, regardless of the identification of individual stabilizers, the key to understanding Mitchell's problems was observing his relationship with his parents.

The parents said that Mitchell, their youngest child (the older children had already lived separately from their parents by that time), had always been distinguished by an outstanding mind and innovative thinking, but remained in the second year in the ninth grade, since last year at the prestigious lyceum where he studied , his affairs went very badly.

“A classic case of missed opportunities,” said my father. “We were just overwhelmed by what happened last year.

- What happened?

- He flew out of the lyceum, - said the father. - He has an IQ of 140, but he cannot stay in one of the best lyceums in our area. On this basis, he had a real nervous breakdown. He was admitted to the hospital for a week because he was trying to open his veins.

- Yes, this is really very serious. How is he now?

“It's disgusting,” her mother replied. “He has no respect for himself… he has lost faith in himself. He is unable to complete any homework. It seems to us that he is depressed.

- What school does he go to now?

- In the district, - responded the mother. - They treat him well there and all that rest, but we think that studying at this school is boring for him, because he is such a developed boy.

- Well, in order to achieve success in school, you need something else besides intelligence, - said the psychologist. - May I have a look at the results of his tests?

The parents provided the results of the psychological and educational tests that Mitchell took in the seventh grade. Tests recorded a twenty-five point difference between unusually high verbal scores and average non-verbal scores, difficulty performing tasks requiring concentration, extremely slow task completion rates, and extremely low (below average) writing development. But, according to the examiners' conclusion, the boy had no difficulties that could interfere with his studies at school.

“Interesting results,” said the psychologist.

- What is interesting there? - asked the father.

“Perhaps these tests will help us understand why it is not easy for Mitchell to live up to the expectations placed on him at school.

“We were told that he has no problems with his studies,” said the mother.

- I think that this is not entirely true, - answered the psychologist and explained to the parents the significance of the test results. During the conversation, it turned out that, in fact, Mitchell's difficulties are associated mainly with written exercises, tasks that require independent decision, speed of work and concentration of attention.

End of introductory snippet.

Dedicated to Irving A. Green

Anyone can get angry - it's easy ... but get angry with the right person,

for the right reason, for the right time, for the right reason

and properly is not easy.

Aristotle

If I am not for myself, who is for me? If I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, then when?