So, one of you (and maybe both) marry a person who has experienced family life. He even has children ... In this case, you should think about in advance and thereby avoid problems arising in connection with the children from the first marriage.

The situation with children from the first marriage for men and women looks different: after the divorce, the overwhelming majority of children remain with the mother. This means that a man who marries a woman with a child or children will live with these children, engage in them or at least communicate.

A woman who marries a man who already has a child or children, most often, does not live with his children. Despite this, women have a problem because of the children of her husband, there are no less often than a man who lives with the children of his wife.

Situation through the eyes of a man
How to conquer authority

At all times, it is important for men to enjoy authority. Self-esteem is connected with this and feeling a real man.

Often, a man, building relationships with the children of his wife, believes that the child must respect him due to age. The man begins to advise, and sometimes demand how to do what and how to tell the child, as it should behave.

And now, suck themselves: do you respect many people by age? Not all. So the child. He knows perfectly well that adults are different. And he just like you, it is not clear why he should obey a man who did not appear too long in his life. And if there is a dad who regularly visits his child, then it is even harder to explain it.

How is the authority conquer? Not necessarily a child, any person? First, those or other matters that are valued and are not overly simple. Secondly, attitude. If you feel about a person respectfully, the chances that he will respect you, very high.

The child always understands a very well, as they treat him - as an annoying interference or with attention and love. Actions of a person who is tuned to friendly and family relationships with a child always differ from the actions whose goal is to get rid of the child.

However, regardless of affairs and attitudes, it is necessary for the child to become respectful to you. Therefore, remember: whatever you do and no matter how trying, the child will not like to love you overnight.

How to be with the jury of the child

Most likely, a period of time, the child owned his mother undivided. Yes, there was dad, but he left (or mom gone). And he lived together with his mother. As a rule, a similar situation of the child arranges much more than the threesome life with agenious personwho also claims to mamina love, Attention and time. The child naturally begins to jealous.

Show the child that you do not apply for everything free time His mother. If you want the child to be jealous, more often organize joint walks and entertainment. It is worth doing for two reasons: first, positive emotions Unite. Secondly, over time, the child will get used to you and stop opposing yourself and his mother.

Situation through the eyes of a woman

You get married! Perhaps yours future husband Several older than you and he already has children. You appreciate it life experience, responsibility and honesty. You think that, of course, about children from the first marriage you need to take care, and you are in no way going to make a problem from this. All this is the case, but, speaking, this is the majority of future wives a little slug. Before marriage each draws an idyllic picture life togetherIn reality, everything can be different. Children from previous marriages sometimes violate your plans, require increased attention His fathers (who, unlike husbands, there are no former!), as well as material investments. All this can generate a number of problems.

Jealousy

When you, without a special reason, oppose your husband with children from the first marriage when you are annoying the excessive presence of a child's husband in your life, most likely, we are talking about jealousy.

It is before the start of a collaborative life (or wedding) you had more free time for each other - and now life is included in the usual rut, time is paid to work, friends and, of course, the child from the first marriage. You began to devote the time less. How so? - exclaim you! Saying that you are glad to any contacts of your husband with a child, you did not think about how much time it will occupy and will affect you. But it turns out that he loves his child very much, once sacrifices the time that can spend with you.

In fact, the situation is not so dramatic. To perceive her calmer, think or speak with your future husband, as he plans to communicate with the child. Is it going to bring it into your common Home, take with you on vacation? How often does it plan to meet with him? Sincere answers to these questions (and, of course, your consent to the fact that everything will be so) can prevent many conflicts (if, of course, you will not convince yourself that with time, convince your husband to spend less time with the child) .

Not only children ...

Many women do not like the contacts of her husband with the children from the first marriage, because, communicating with the child, he, often, communicates with former wife. And the more often and durable this communication, as long as it looks suspicious in the eyes of a woman. And this is not speaking talk about conversations with a former by phone.

Do you trust your husband? If not, only time will help you and common sense. But most likely, distrust and jealousy - for one reason or other reasons - manifested before. So it is not surprising if you become jealous of it and to former wife.

Another reason for increased suspicion is insecurity and their own forces. When a woman is confident in herself, she does not suspect her husband in connection with his ex-wife. If you doubt your own attractiveness, the ability to interest a man long years - You need to go to yourself, and not pour from a sick head to healthy - suspect your man in all mortal sins.

Common children

You create a family. You are planning to start children. And what about this is your future husband thinks? Perhaps he is quite enough child or children from the first marriage. And it can also become a stumbling block between you.

If yours future spouse Do not hurry to start shared children, your attitude to its existing children can worsen. Exactly, because of them your dreams come true. However, such a situation can also be predicted in advance, without having to raise this topic before the wedding.

If your husband himself wants a child from you, the situation is greatly simplified, but for many - only for the time being. Because you can expect that giving a child's husband, its contacts with the child or children from the first marriage will be significantly reduced. And also will be reduced material injections in the previous family. And if it does not happen, the situation is complicated.

However, this situation can be "calculated". Not enough to convince yourself that your common child Will out of his heart all previous children from his heart. Will not displace. Yes, he will love your common childwill spend more time with him - because he lives with him, but this does not mean that he will not miss other children and does not want to spend time with them.

You and your husband's child

In order to feel more comfortable and calmer, you can try to establish communication with my husband's first marriage. Unfortunately, it is not all possible and not always - many mothers are negatively tuned to the contacts of the child with the new Pope's wife.

If your meeting took place or becomes regular, try to be natural. No need to suck and exaggerate your delight. Meet the child, as with any other person. You are interested in his affairs, show attention, and, of course, leave alone with your father when it is necessary.

Do not try to buy a child's attitude with gifts, so you just bring up consumer attitude towards yourself. If you can - love it. Sooner or later the child matches and understand that you did for him.

Situation through the eyes of a child

Someone is easier to establish contact with the child, presenting the situation with his eyes. Eyes little manwhose life changes independently of his desire. He stays without one of the family members - if dad goes to another woman, and the mother has not yet met another satellite of life. Or another option is an outsider who comes to his house, with whom Mom will now be considered and in many ways to rely on his opinion.

What will happen to him? How will this affect it? Most children who are tuned unfriendly in relation to stepfather (or stepmother) are simply afraid. Afraid to lose love moms, is afraid that they will lead them - and who? - A person who has nothing to do with him!

The child does not control the situation, although many mothers are advised to the child - "You will not be against if this uncle remains to live with us?" Sometimes these discussions are fictitious. The world to which the child is used to, changes. IN similar situations, the child often begins to manipulate adults - to make sure - can be the way he wants!

And here it is important to find golden middle: On the one hand, not to grab the child (it is not a secret that the child can provoke aggression himself with his behavior), on the other - not to go around him, do not stand up on his head, just to cheer or drop it. Do not buy everything in a row, do not praise for everything. Believe me, the child feels perfectly when good attitude sincere, and when - hypocritical. And for him much more valuable is human heatthan a room scored with gifts and a minimum of communication.

But and that he has a child from the first marriage. Regardless of the circumstances of its divorce and relationship with the child, some techniques can be used to neutralize the possible negative.

1. Do not hide from your man emerging doubts, including whether you need to get acquainted with his child. If you have no children yourself, and you are not going to become a mother, perhaps you do not want to interfere with his child in your relationship, especially if you just started. Regardless of your intentions, support openness in communication to ensure mutual understanding.


2. Try not to talk and not even mention the former spouse of your man when you communicate with his child. Even if you are familiar with her personally, and not delighted with her, you need to respect the fact that she is the mother of this child. If an unpleasant comment about her with a child, it can spoil your man and his ex-wife.


3. Treat understanding when your man is in last moment Cancels a meeting with you to devote himself to concerns about the child. Sometimes relations associated with obligations go to the second plan in relation to these obligations.


4. If you also have a child from previous marriage, do not hurry to acquaint your children until confidence in the strength of the relationship. Children can make friends, and if you are with this man you will break out, they will experience the gap even more than you, as you are adults. Until you marry this, do not call him a brother or my child's sister.


5. To reconcile the fact that if the ex-wife of your man has the right guardianship of the child, and you get married with him, some of your total income will spend money on the payment of alimony. In addition, you can be drawn into possible litigation. Although the marriage associated with it, conflicts may continue for many years.


6. Find positive sideswho brings his paternity to your relationship. If your man is a good father, most likely, it will reflect on what responsibility he belongs to even trifles. In addition, you will realize that it is more loving and gentle than typical bachelors.

Sources:

• men relationship with child

Tip 2: How to meet a man if he has a child in 2019

Life does not fit into the framework of moral codes and traditions formed public opinion. And often, along with lonely mothers began to come across alone fathers. There is nothing terrible or bad in this - this is a reality. However, if you decide to meet such man, decision It can greatly complicate life and make it even more interesting than you would like.

Instruction

If a child Does not remember your mother, it is enough to produce positive impression when meeting. To do this, consult in advance with manto find out how it can find out psychological picture Baby, that is, his character, tastes, the addiction that he loves, and what does not tolerate in the spirit.

If a child Remembers the mother, your task is complicated by an order. The worst case is when it, while maintaining the image of the missing mother in memory, idealizes it over time. The worse he remembers her, the generous it gives positive qualities. Winning such a competition is impossible in principle, you should not try. The opposition to the missing mom is a deliberately failure.

The most profitable situation is a random acquaintance on neutral territory. Moreover optimal option - In the company where other people are present. Here you should consider the tricky feature of the children's psyche - when child He sees one woman next to his father, he compares it with a missing mother. If there are several of them, in most cases (although not always, of course), the son or daughter is trying to face them for the role of Mom, since the subconsciously any child seeks to full family. Such a competition is performed to you by force - involve it in the game, introduce yourself with your tea (with its presence). If children are friends, consider half the problem solved.

At first, do not render a man explicit signs Attention at the kid, it is necessary in order not to provoke the jealousy of the child. In children lives a sense of owner. What, however, will not be canceled on the cheek at the meeting.

Do not strive to immediately impose your love to the child, especially if it is not yet. It is much more important to conquer his respect, recognition and ultimately - friendship and confidence. And this foundation, believe me, is able to withstand a lot. Perhaps, already some are thinking about - "Do I need it?" Indeed, everything resumes how much you need this man. If he is worth it, then dare!

Tip 3: Divorced man: how to build relationships with him

Relations between representatives of different floors do not always proceed simply. If a man is divorced with his wife, after that he is difficult for him to decide on new RomanSo the girl should look for a certain approach to it.

How to find an approach to a divorced man?

The first thing you should do when meeting a man who has long been divorced with his wife - it is to find a special approach to him. Try to find out what exactly led to the rupture of relationships with his former second half. It is very important, because you should not allow such mistakes if you do not want to lose a new lover. Ask about what annoyed a man in his ex-wife maybe she behaved not entirely correctly or could afford to make treason. So you can build for yourself right line Conduct that will help you adjust the representative of the strong sex.

How to arrange a divorced man?

If you already know how you can not behave with a new acquaintance, it is time to reveal it weak spots. This is not about those things. Which are able to hurt him, but about his preferences. Gradually conquer his trust. He must understand that you are exactly the girl who is able to support in difficult moment, help or just be near. He must make sure that he is the one who you need and you will not look for him a replacement or banal entertainment on the side. Speak your beloved that he is "the most": the strongest, most intelligent, most beautiful, most courageous. Inside him confidence, and he really will do everything for you. You can learn about his preferences through your common acquaintances, friends or even his parents. Maybe he has favorite dish, or he is fond of fishing. Give it a new fishing rod or a set of fishing gear. He must see that you are not indifferent to his interests.

Follow wisdom and patience, be prepared for the fact that your man will often remember his past. In no case should you show him your jealousy. Perhaps the children remained from the last marriage, so you should not only let meet them, but also tell him about what it would not be bad to spend time with children. After a while, when you see the seriousness of your relationship, you can take the initiative and get acquainted with his kids. He will definitely appreciate it.

Never put yourself above his family and respect it former. You can not afford to speak out badly, talking about that. What are you better in anything. Do not compare yourself with her, remember that you have absolutely different relationswho do not have to echo.

Of course, happy family It is necessary to create once and for the rest of your life. Everyone needs subsequent relations build only on full mutual trust. But what to do a woman in that situation when she marries a man who was married and who has children. And what to do a woman if she does not love these children?

Naturally, the presence of children from the first marriage of men is not a reason for once and forever refuse their own follow-up happiness. But here it is necessary to clearly understand the fact that the child's child from the first marriage will continue to be an integral part of their subsequent family life. In addition, in connection with this, this situation is considered in considerable degree Complex. Therefore, the woman will need an application. maximum number effort and patience to resolve this situation. Does not prevent the presence women's wisdom. If, after all, after marriage, the woman still says, does not carry her husband from her first marriage in the Spirit, it should take advantage of the tips to be described below.

In principle, for each woman, the view of a male representative who gently takes care of own child, can cause a huge storm of positive emotional sensations In the heart as for every person. But, in a situation where the fetus of love is a child of a man from the first marriage, the perception of all this changes in many women dramatically. After all, the usual women's jealousy. So, how to be in this situation?

In principle, today specifically for those women who can not tolerate children own man From the first marriage, highly professional psychologists have developed many tips and instructions. For example, first of all they recommend to fully accept last life Own beloved person. If the family relationships of these people were built on mutual lovethen you should not deny such a moment that a woman loves his spouse just what he really he is. In other words, such a man must be perceived as a single whole not only with the child, but also with all previously experienced events. With such thoughts, every woman should accept or intends to marry a beloved man having children. Under no circumstances should we expect an understanding from the previous wife of this person. After all, any female representative, as you know, has its own truth. That's why, former spouse concrete man No way is obliged to worry about what its rival feels in this complex situation. The fact that this woman, of course, intends to achieve a completely different result is a fact. Therefore, first of all, it is recommended to be patient to understand your own beloved person.

Under no circumstances, specialists recommend prohibiting their own husband to see children from the first marriage. It is impossible to allow a man to forget about what is a parent or in other words, forgot about his own sacred duty.

It is also not necessary to think that when communicating with the child, a man will communicate with his own ex-wife every time. Even if the woman is raised by children from the first marriage, she must do everything so that the relationship between the child and the Father has improved as soon as possible. A huge number of such fathers tend to prefer simply to pay off the child with expensive gifts, but with the use of such actions it is very difficult to build just excellent relationships. In this regard, each woman although using caution approach must explain all this to her own husband, which will lead to how to build excellent relationshipAnd it will save money in the family.

At the same time, no prohibitions should exist here. It happens that the former spouse does not give to communicate his father with his own baby or with his new wife. Naturally, such actions, according to the majority of psychologists, is considered not correct, but such an attitude of a woman in principle is quite explained. Moreover, new wife In any case, nothing should do anything to force the situation even further. After all, there will be some amount of time, and everything is normalized. There is absolutely nothing to date is terrible and strange in that at first after leaving the first family, a man will give a little one's own free time to a child. At the same time, if a woman married a man having children arises jealousy and inexplicable hatred of these children, then she first should understand the fact that all children themselves are equal.

At that moment, when a small joint miracle appears on the light, this phenomenon Absolutely does not imply the fact that a child from the first marriage will be limited in some rights. But at the same time such a fact will not mark the fact that he will love the first child than the second. There are many examples when such children whose moms are absolutely different peopleAnd the father is alone, grow and perfectly communicate with each other. Naturally, everyone first is to consider the merits of both women. In this regard, experts recommend to make a considerable amount of effort so that these children will not simply support the relationship, but also became friends. After all, it is possible in the future they will be considered brothers or sisters. In this, everyone is not completely different and, accordingly, nothing ordinary, since such families today are very much.

In principle, in situations that are directly related to the presence of other people's children, there are always all sorts of difficulties that require wise and proper approach From each of the participants in this event. After all, it depends on the fact that the obtained happiness will be in the future.

So, if a woman does not like or endure a child from the first marriage own husbandFirst of all, it should not only understand that all children are equal, but also to terms come up with the fact that the beloved man has both their own past and the subsequent future.

Ksenia Slazha

number repeated marriages scares with its indicators that grow every year in our country. Family psychologists, accordingly, are increasingly faced with questions about possible strategies in communication between the current family and the previous one.

This is a very serious step - to marry a man who already has unlucky experience in relationships and children (or one child). Such a woman should have a huge share of patience, wisdom and intuition so that the family is preserved, and children from first marriage husband were B. good relationship With his new wife.

Extremely useful knowledge of psychology will be family relationships. Such knowledge can be learned from books, for example, Berta Hellinger. Practice of family alignments (so called the approach of this psychologist and philosopher) confirms its theoretical statements. It is also useful to read the works of such well-known family therapists like Salvador Minujin, Jay Haley or Cl Madanes.

You also need to look for communication with women, happy in marriage with a man for whom it is not the first marital. They on own experience can tell how to go better in certain situation. If you can visit good family psychologist, I need to take advantage of it.

6 Soviets for harmony in a new family with children from her husband's first marriage

(based on the recommendations of Berthe Hellinger)

1. The second wife is absolutely not obliged to become a friend for children from the first man marriage, of course, if she doesn't want it. After all, children are not her. It should be remembered by all members of the current and previous family, and especially the woman itself, so as not to depend on someone's opinions and instructions.

Also, you should not try to build a relationship if the husband does not want this, the former wife or children themselves. Forcibly do not be, but there may be more problems.

If children live with her husband and his current wife, then the woman needs to objectively relate to them as much as possible, and every time you ask yourself one question: "So that I do if it were absolutely children?"

2. Children from the previous marriage of her husband will have to admit. Neither them cannot be deleted from life or the former spouse. The husband must be taken entirely, with the bidded from his life, which he already had.

What awaits a woman who will not be able to take former family His husband? It will be at least internal discomfort, because the father will continue to communicate with children, he will talk to the former wife about the upbringing and custody, will be financially provided. This is a big flour for a woman who could not accept real position affairs.

Attempts to limit communication can only aggravate the situation. A man will feel the pressure and starts internally resist, and in fact - to spend free time with its first children. there is good proverbwhich displays such a situation: the stronger to keep, the faster will escape.

And when a man obey and stop communicating with former family (Not without direct or indirect fate of the present wife)? Then you should remember, he can repeat his act again, but already with the old woman.

3. Children from the first marriage of her husband often refer to K. new spouse Hostile, or, at least, with child. Woman just need to try to accept it, calm down (after all, it cannot change the situation). This will make it easy for children themselves. When they realize that the current wife of their dad does not claim their place (after all, she is not a child, but a spouse), then the relationship is leveled.

4. Children in the second marriage will not be able to replace the father of the first children. This is the law of hierarchy, which works in the universe, not only in the world of the family. How to understand it? The first child initially in this hierarchy in the first place, first always he will remain in any situation ("first", not to be confused with the "main"). Children in subsequent marriages, accordingly, will be the second, third, etc. (but not secondary) for the Father (even if the first kids do not support contact with dad).

It must be remembered and consider (ask my husband provocative questions, demand to change behavior - just spoil everything). For relationships to work out, this fact should be accepted because something is impossible to change.

5. Joint meetings, as the experience of many women shows, only spoil relations, both between the father and the child and between the current spouses.

Why is that? Jealousy, uncertainty, guilt and resentment. All this must be absent on both sides, so that everyone has been comfortable while walking. Only then can you try to spend your free time together.

If the current spouse has a desire to establish communication with children, then it is better to begin to do without a husband (but after notifying it and receipt of agreement). Meetings "At neutral territory" will help you easier to find mutual language. The behavior of children and women will be more natural, sincere.

6. The feeling of aggression, jealousy, hatred, which most often experiences the current wife to children from the previous marriage of her husband, comes from a crushed sense of guilt ( interiornot a moral postulate) before this family. It is bad, firstly, for the woman itself. To overcome such a negative, you need to allow the feeling to go out.

Perhaps it will be a trip to a psychologist, in the church, artherapy, a letter (not necessarily to send it), a conversation with a stranger, with her husband, in the end. How does the gloom from the feeling of guilt? A woman must first understand and accept the fact that her marriage became possible at the expense of the first marriage. Then she will feel guilty and realizes it. On the last stage You need to forgive yourself for what everything happened. Full guilt and get rid of it - an important component of internal harmony.

Heavy burden for wise wives

"Why is there so many wizards in the second marriage? It is unfair! " - This is quite logical to indignant these very wives. Family complexities, if at least one spouse came "with baggage", always much more, therefore the requirements also increase. But if the current wife was able to save new family, but children from the first marriage of her husband They did not become her enemies, then it is truly a very wise, persistent and patient personality. And the happiness of such a woman, too, will be more, as well as the happiness of a man who is lucky at least this time find a decent spouse.

Junona.pro All rights reserved. Reprint article is allowed only with the permission of the site administration and indicating the author and active link to the site

We admit honestly - a man with a child is perceived much better than a woman. After all, it is precisely those who are beautiful, in such cases they call the "girls with an imminance", in which, naturally, little pleasant. In addition, to arrange your personal life A woman is much more complicated, but .... It's not just just about the opposite sex, because not every woman agrees to bring up their child.

Times when love solved all and young, despite the circumstances, combined their destinies, have already passed. Nowadays, the girls became more scrupulous in the selection of grooms, mercantile, practical and taking care of their future, and think three times before going under the crown.

WHY NOT?!

Fears that your man is dad and he forever, you want you or not, will remain connected with your child's mother, natural. In addition, the "good" relatives can even start the wedding periodically to pour oil into the fire, catching even greater bundas, uttering words as "treason", "will return to her, because they are a family" and so on. Although it is clear that this woman will enter your life tightly and for a long time.

It's most importantly to stop yourself and answer honestly into several major issues: "Do you need this man at all?", Are you serious about it? "," What are you waiting for your relationship? "," And are you going to endure calls from former Passia? "(Believe me, and at first it is necessary to endure).

The next "minus" is the unwillingness of women to communicate with the child both and someone else, in particular. And it does not matter or not, the main thing is not her child (!). And this is characteristic not only by young girls, although for the most part, of course, they, but also more adult self-sufficient persons, for a woman ready to create a family, first of all wants to give birth from a loved one.

Hence the following - material inconvenience. After all, alimony and constant spending on the child significantly reduce family budget new cell societies. And it may not like every woman. In addition, it should be noted that it is already for life, and a kindergarten, school, university, housing problem, marriage and other stages of the lifestyle of the very child will have to not only worry and live together, but also to finance.

And one more thing that I would like to note from fears is the question: "Will a man want to make another child?", "And does it really happen?". Having a child a man somewhere subconsciously calms down, because he has a favorite small miracle. And his fate is extremely cared for him and in particular the prosperous future, and to become a dad again, he will think a hundred times and weigh everything for and against.

INTIMATE TALK

As you know, the relationship with the children is difficult to establish, especially if it is some aunt, for some reason living with his dad instead of mom. In addition, the situation is aggravated by the age of Chad, his character and how parents broke up.

The most harder will have to have a new choices of the Pope at a teenage child, because at that time the Bunlet spirit, youthful maximalism and the resentment for nothing in anything the wrong woman will fall out with a huge force. And sometimes these circumstances are the reason for the break.

Another situation when the child is much younger, but here is the question of the observational kid - "why do you have the same ring on your hand, like my dad?" puts in a dead end.

Often, a man just misses this important detail Or in this way trying to roll it on the shoulders of the child's mom or their new chosen. The result is one - in the most uncomfortable situation it turns out that the third adult is, and he, as you know, is always extra.

It is the parents who must explain this situation to the child and it is advisable to make it together. So that he understood what was happening and thus give him the opportunity to decompose everything around the shelves and allow the new wife of the Pope to build a good relationship with him.