Children and their parents: What do parents want from children and what do children want from parents? Every parent wants his child to grow good, raised, respected the elders, helped younger, loved his country. Dictate their tastes

Is family planning compatible with the submission of marriage as a small church? And planning the child's future life? Can a child be a hindrance to parents?

Child as a continuation of life in marriage

One thing is non-Christian family, in which the desire to live for themselves and plan the birth of a child at a convenient moment of their lives - already challenged things. It became almost normal when relatives set up: "Where are you with a child? Why do you need it? Wait until you finish the institute, find good work, you have nowhere to live. " And here in Christian modern families, Suddenly, unexpectedly, the same.

On the one hand, young spouses sanctify their marriage, try to create a family like, and, on the other hand, installation family life They have completely secular, secular separated from church consciousness. Instead of trusting God - family planning. Indeed, in this situation, the child thinks as a certain creative creation for parents, which belongs to them. "When I want, then I will face. In a convenient time for me, I will make it convenient for me. " From this, probably, the basis of problems begins - that they want parents from children.

And if from the very beginning to the base sophisticated relationship It is laid what we want for ourselves, the first and main question is "I need it?" Or "I still don't need it yet?" This also applies to a child who is essentially creating God and Parental at the same time, because parents conceive a child in the co-office with God. Because the father of the child will always be God, and not just dad with mom. God takes part in the child, in birth, he is the father of the child and the flesh too. If we are Christians and understand that, then the conception of a child, his birth on Earth, the birth of his immortal soul is a creative act, the synergy of God and parents. And when parents are trying to exclude God at this moment of their lives, they allow what can be called a mistake, but it is more than a mistake.

And with this begins the attitude of parents, what a child should be.

Some parents are trying to plan the sex of the child.

It would seem that a trifle, - the floor of the child. But, in essence, it is often the moment of strong disappointments from the father or from the mother. Another child who is born as it were to their plan becomes more beloved. And the child who was born not to the floor goes into the background. Inexplicable, it would seem, from a logical point of view, a paradox - what a boy is better or worse than the girl? But it breaks life and the child who wanted to see the boy and who did not want to see the boy.

Sometimes they say to me: "You know, my mom always wanted to have a girl, and I was born a boy, so I have a very strange and incomprehensible relationship with my mother." It turns out to be seal for life. Parents sometimes just cripple children. When not a girl is born, and a boy, and if the family is also incomplete, one mother, then such a woman has a hubbiess complex, because she was thrown-and deceived, and every man for her is a potential enemy. Maybe this breath is already referred to, but, nevertheless, it really exists.

Such a mother begins to raise his son as a girl. In early childhood, it is dressed as a girl, grow him long hairMom wants to see her son different, and he becomes different. And the child receives the whole complex of psychological problems that make it be avoided by the boyish games or be afraid to enter the company of boys. Well, who will he later? What community will accept it as his own? Mother in this case is a criminal, although she wanted to make the best for her child, the best.

Child, as the embodiment of hope and aspirations of parents. The child is a hostage of the success of parents.

In general, the sign of this time is the success, the mood for success. This success and does not allow parents to think about the child as a natural continuation of the family. They plan a child for some distant time, because he allegedly can prevent successfulness.

And here successful parents, including Christians, give birth to a child. For Orthodox parents, one of the components of success is a church life. Parents who themselves were not brought up in Orthodoxy, who do not have the experience of spiritual continuity - family, church, who read such good booksAs the "summer of the Lord" or Nikiforova-Volgin (seeing a century of the XIX century, all the umnormitious Orthodox - recreation and candles), begin to reproduce read as an experiment on their own children. And what does it turn into?

It may turn out that parents want to see from children a well-wanted performance. Either they require children than themselves never possessed. For example, that the children correctly behave in the temple to be able to pray that they fasten, they did not sin and swore from the heart. So that parents look at their children and are overwhelmed with the defeating, tears of joy would flow on their parents' cheeks - "Ah, what are our children!" And they would fit the parishioners and said: "You have children - angels!"

The main thing parental feeling becomes parent. And when the child begins to do something wrong and not what is planned by the parents, they begin to react to it very hard. They do not understand why the child behaves so, because they are all the time they tell him how to behave correctly. Those. They give the child to the installation, and he does not fulfill it. And then maybe irreparable - these installations parental love can be completely reduced to no.

It happens that parents are trying to combine the desire for success with church life. So that the child grew up Orthodox, to start, they are looking for an Orthodox nanny. Then they are looking for an Orthodox school. And they think that you can teach Orthodoxy as one of the items.

Parents do not have time to do their child. But at the same time the child must also be successful. Parents are not easy, but a very good Orthodox school. They will find out if there is accreditation, what are the successes when entering universities, what children are learning there, there are children there famous people or famous priests - all this is very important to them for prestige. Children fall into the Orthodox school, and the parents in the fourth of their success are not possible to pray with the children, read the gospel, together the communion of the Holy Ceans. They have this in mind, without any doubt, Orthodox parents want everything to be fine. But still the main thing for them is. And they consider for some reason that the Orthodox school should fill out what they lack in their family life, what they themselves cannot teach. And faith can not be transferred differently as soon as the parents for their child. Faith can not be taught in orthodox gymnasium.

And it turns out that such a child in the Orthodox gymnasium looks very, very strange. He begins to behave there quite differently. Parents give such a child the coolest mobile phones, he has a good computer, he rests in the prestigious seaside resorts in the summer, he happens everywhere, he has everything. And the child with these things begins to boast before his classmates. And not because it is bad. Because all these mobile phones, computers, all this fashionable and cool shell of life is the compensation of parents to a child for the fact that they do not spend time with him, they are not together with him. And the child understands very well that this is a certain equivalent. And the love is no one. The child begins to use this, arguing something like that - if there is nothing else, then let me at least gifts, and more.

And then the child must be proved before other children that his parents love him. And then he begins to blow up other children, show that everything has everything that he is not like others. And it causes a hostile attitude and in children, and teachers too. Like, how so? In the Orthodox gymnasium it is not necessary. And the child is just a hostage parent vanity.

There is another aspect in the life of the Orthodox family. Other success. When parents want to see their child, "a real Orthodox Christian."

And then parents invent all sorts of waysHow to be successful not in external, but in spiritual. They start their child to embed into a certain cliché, some stencils, which they crisen with some kind of icon or from the lives of saints. They take the lives of the Saint, some reverend, for example, Anthony of Kiev-Pechersky, or Feodosia Kiev-Pechersk, where it is written that in childhood the holy game did not play, the children flee away, prayed in silence in his crankspoints, did not eat candy A, on the contrary, strictly, taking itself with chains. Or "Malena on Wednesday-Friday did not taste." This is how to make saints! This is how to raise our children. And from the itself early childhood Parents begin to starve children strict posts, load them with prayer rules, led the child for long services, teach it only in the Orthodox gymnasium, although it is not a fact that there will be good to the child. Prohibit the child to play with children not from orthodox families, strictly limit his friendship, do not give him to watch TV, and scare it differently. Parents want to see their child with pious and not stained by the mud of this world. What will it end? And it ends the fact that at the older age, the child begins to smoke, run away in different bad companies, steal in stores, try drugs. Because everything that is invested in the child is all unrealistic, all fake, contrived, unnatural. And at some point when the child becomes an adult, he understands that all this is wrong, what the love is not worth it that it was not for God for God, but for the same parent vanity.

This is what happens when the parents of a three-four-five-year-old child pushed to confession. "Go to the father, write back!" And so there is a childwho was involved in the ear who needed to say, and parents almost cry from death, as the father leans towards the child, covers it with an Epitrochil. It's just a show! Favorite parent show "". There is nothing sweeter for the parent heart, for parent vanity, for parental illusions. But these illusions endittle bitterly. The child leaves the temple. The child begins to be an opponent of the church. And then find the path to God to God is extremely extremely difficult.

And what do children want from parents?

In fact, children are different looking at their parents. Children from parents do not want anything at all, except for worries and love. They do not want to see the parents saints, generals, oligarchs, top models, cosmonauts, great pianists. The child on his parents never looks with such eyes. The child is just when it becomes an adult, it begins to make complaints, because it turns out to be overlap - he does not know how to make a relationship, it does not know how to make decisions, it does not know how to love. It turns out not to those who could become. He lived in installments not love, but pragmatics and ideologies.

Children on parents have a different look. And this discrepancy is the worst thing happening in family relationship In the concepts of upbringing. It would be good if the gaze was common, everything would look at each other with equal eyes.

Pragmatism leans the concept of culture.

What else do parents want from children? Success is manifested not only in the fact that the child will then go into a business school, although I see many parishioners on the families that this is exactly the case. Instead of looking at his child with sober eyes, parents from his early age suggest that the child should enter their business if they are businessmen, or study in a prestigious university who will give dividends in life - economic, legal is now very popular.

Parents often do not see who they have a child than he is sick, what his soul, what he has psychological problemsWhat are the abilities to what he has interest. As he draws, as he listens to music, as a child builds toys from Lego. Or, in general, as he looks at the world. And at the same time, it is completely forgotten by such an amazing space of life as museums, like as singing, drawing.

Any pragmatism, Orthodox or earthly, absolutely flushes from the sphere of upbringing and communication culture - when a child is involved in seeing the world, hear music, understand poems, look at the paintings by artists. It is not necessary because it is not pragmatic. For Orthodox it is generally unnecessary, harmful. You never know what they write there! And impressionists in general naked women Drawing!

Child S. early years Load foreign languages, computer, role-playing business games.

Here is an example of one child training. The group of children were offered to find a reasonable decision in such a role-playing game: it was necessary to send a woman to another planet to a man and a man to continue their lives, but only two people could be saved. The only woman had a sick husband, and beautiful, healthy and successful men There were several. Children pretty quickly understood the condition of the game and decided that the woman and the most beautiful and most beautiful and most beautiful planet were sent to another planet healthy man. All children agreed with such a decision, except for the only boy who said that under no circumstances should be destroyed that it was necessary to save himself.

The teacher specifically provoked a further dispute, a pretty tough pressure was rendered on the boy, but he stood on his own.

After the training, the teacher called the mother of this boy with the conclusion that there are some deep problems in their family. Although, by and large, deep problems were all children, except for this boy. But such trainings are aimed at developing skills in achieving success when you need to be able to take tough decisions, not always believing with humanity and kindness.

Of course, if parents are configured to success in relation to their children, then demand gives rise to suggestions. In the context of these settings, an educational and educational system will be formed, there will be ways to implement parental ambitions, so it is not surprising when the role-playing game identifies such things.

Vocation.

A child from an early age begins to be a hostage of parental ambitions. Parents want the child to live and develop in accordance with their dreams. Someone wants his child to be a great pianist, someone - a great programmer, a great economist, someone, but necessarily great. And terribly parent disappointment when a child is unable to it. Because he is completely different.

Recently, a painful topic was discussed when one of the mentally ugly journalists. I think that many people are afraid, they are uncomfortable to express such thoughts out loud, but in life they come about the same. This journalist at least honestly expresses his opinion, brings the anger of mankind, and humanity, in essence, long comes in a similar way, but only, hiding behind with beautiful false clothes. This attitude to disabled people have formed a long time ago. Therefore, husbands throw wives if a sick child is born; Families leave such children in the hospital, do not want to take on this cross; Doctors offer abortions at any time of pregnancy, including later. And these people, in general, do not differ from that journalist.

But when after all, the sick child happens in the family, then an amazing miracle is performed here! Because it is impossible to want anything from such a child. Through such a child, it is impossible to satisfy any of its parental ambition. And for this child can only live.

And then these wonderful courageous parents, Christians or not Christians, they still beautiful, give their love to a sick child, and this love also fills their lives. Because at this moment it is "in my name", even if they are not Christians, but still - in the name of love. And these parents, carrying a double cross - a sick child and the fact that the society of such people does not accept, does not like, turns away from them, - keep this child as a precious treasure. Terrible, it would seem, ugly, nothing understands, but surrounded parental concern And love.

I still have to see such families. Thank God, they are. Parents do not want anything from such a child. They call such children angels. Yes, it is angels.

In my arrival there is such a family in which the sick girl does not develop at all. She is already 14, her huge brings to us into the temple, I have it all the time with blood, like a baby, coming up. And the parents say all the time: "Varnka sits on a sofa, and it seems that the whole room is full. We all enlighten with this light and warm. "

They wanted to give birth to another child, God did not give them, they stopped these attempts on time, because it would destroy the whole situation, the sick child would be put on the background. Thank God, they understood it in time. Desire to have healthy child Naturally, the desire to continue their genus and put everything in your child what you know is right and good and necessary. But in such a situation, parents cannot give their child their knowledge, their skills, but can give their love. These parents do not want anything from their child. Maybe they would like, but they do not have such an opportunity.

But they are humbled with this, and parents who have healthy children, you can learn a lot from such families, learn the right attitude towards your children ...

"Children, where are you children?"

When the parent comes, the children go to grandparents, so that the parents themselves leave somewhere, do not take children with themselves, free from them. Parents are preparing for a whole year for vacation - where to go, as if to relax, the children here are obvious hindrance.

Of course, attitudes towards children, as a burden at some point, the parents will be accurate for sure. Parents do not notice it at all and confident that children at grandmother with grandfather are very good - fresh milk, river, guys, and grandparents are happy that they finally gave them grandchildren, - how we were well invented! Everything happens, at some point it happens that parents are forced to leave children for a while. But, one day, calling the children to the burden, calling children a hindrance, having made such a relaxation, making even the rule - "You will interfere with us now," all this will definitely be seen by children. Parents in vain think that children are small and understand nothing. They think in vain that if they didn't say something for children and showed themselves somehow, then in general, nothing terrible did not happen.

If parents are trying to keep the world with each other, and in fact they have a feud, then the children will see exactly what is. Children's flair, children's intuition is awesome! Children are very open to everything, and for this too. Children may not understand what they see will not be aware of this, but it will become their child's problem, because they will feel it, and they will not be able to find this explanation or justification, and it will fall into a children's soul with heavy load. And then it may suddenly manifest themselves in.

What do children want from parents?

At an early stage, children from parents want only one - so that they were. Were like parents. Not those who feed, buys things, drives somewhere, i.e. Parental duties are fulfilled, namely, they were parents. And often children in early age May not get it. Although parents seem to be all that need children for life.

And the children need only one thing - hearty heat, attention when they hit them when they are trying to see them. Without distracted by a second from the phone: "Well, what do you need?", Not between TV shows or newspapers, not between telephone conversations, but when all attention is riveted. And it doesn't matter that at this moment the children ask something, or say nonsense, or asked to answer banal question- Children all the time demand attention from parents. When children cry when they ask the absurd issues that parents are annoyed, stood a fight with his sister brothers, - children are asking only parental attention.

Of course, it happens, and, for example, to little newborn to kid. But by and large, there are no problems when parents are accustomed to children to heed when parents love children to press to themselves when parents love to play with children in some kind of nonsense, do grandparents and grandfathers are engaged in children. Because quite often it is at grandmothers and grandparents a feeling of hot, completely overwhelming tenderness to her grandchildren, and it happens precisely because at one time they could not give it their own children. And parents sometimes try to keep such grandparents, realizing that such an attitude can be children somewhere and to harm. Of course, in harm, because it is from grandparents, and not from mom and dad. And if there are enough concerns, even if children are somewhat, then there will be no competition between them parental Attentionbecause everyone at one time got everything in full. Children from parents at some stage you only need it.

During this period, children do not understand, their parents are successful or not, they have a big salary or small, they have a problem with career growth Or not, what the clock they have on hand - Rolex or victory, they have a car or not. And parents are worried about these questions. And if the parents were not worried about, and the children were worried, then everything would be formed.

Then another stage comes when the children grow up, and it is very important for them to see the example in their parents. This does not mean that the example of parents become for children aged 10-14 years. Starting from 4 years, children look at their parents as an example of relationships with the world. How parents behave in relation to each other, as parents behave towards other people, as parents behave in the subway, in stores, theater, how do parents behave in the church? How parents respond to rudeness, as parents answer well, how do they react to or homeless, who sat next to them? For the mass of other things, children look, of course, are not confidentially, they do not follow them. At this time there is a complete recognition of parents as people - how they behave, how they show themselves in this world as people. First, children do not ask anything, and then at some stage they begin to ask questions.

Because the next stage is a comparison. Children begin to compare their experience with what their parents are taught. Parents are taught - what is good and what is bad, which criteria need to choose friends, how to behave correctly, etc .. and children begin to ask questions "Why?" Because it may well be a strange generation - between your life experience and what they are taught. And then children want the truth from their parents.

The next stage, children look at honesty, on the sincerity of the parents, on their reaction to what is happening in the world, is there anything here and substitutions.

This is all the upbringing. Relationships with children add up from the fact that parents want from children, and that children want from their parents. Children want truth, and they should receive it in a fairly early adolentation, when they are already able to confess, are able to solve some primary questions of being, good and evil, interpersonal relationships, truth and lies, questions of conscience. And it is important for children to see the truth in parents. Or not. And then start somehow with this problem to live and somehow to start solving this problem.

And after this question in the eyes of children is solved - truth or not true, lie or truth, the next stage comes - what then want from parents? May come such a moment when children are nothing but complaints from parents can not. Because the child will not be like that. Not so, because in the answers of the parents he did not find any questions. He stopped trusting them, he stopped asking them questions, he stopped believing the words of his parents, because it is only words.

And then the child begins his own truth - complex, teenage, protest, through a violation of discipline, through bad companies, through the ability to try prohibited fruits. And how he is then chosen from this search, or just leaves him, realizing that there is no truth in the life and it is necessary to live according to the laws of evil and lies, and he chooses these laws, or he finds this truth through some own sophisticated ways But then without parents.

Or the child begins to want from his parents, in the next stage. True serious friendship and trust. He wants her parents to trust him. He wants parents to believe in him. For parents to provide him with the opportunity to be like them, like them to do. He will make mistakes, come incorrectly, and now the reaction to these mistakes from parents should be very good. The child must get support. He finds confidence in parents when he sees no smallestness, and the truth, and if there is a splitness, then at least he sees how parents are fighting with her, do not agree with her, as they with the child know how to be frank even What they do not work.

This is very important, because parents can be and not quite lucky, not only in the worldly sense. Dad can be supposed, but very kind. And the children of this kind, but drinking dad will love and will not be shy. There can be something more than the life problems of parents, their mistakes, their falls. Everything can be in life, but the moment of sincerity and truth will not be missed, even in not all prosperous families.

We in the gymnasium there was such a family where it was very strong drinking dadAnd children - so wonderful all grew up, so they prayed for the dad! Wonderful family, Mother lived without condemning her spouse, although there were certainly ugly scenes under children, but everything could happen.

To live on lies is the most important thing.

On the different stages Children want their parents from their parents of different things. It would seem, of different, but always the same - they want real relations, so that parents are with children real. And nothing more.

Tamara Amelina leaned

Parents are different - criticizing and kind, strict and indifferent, understanding and irritated. At all times and in all families, the role of an adult in relation to the child was to raise the useful qualities of the nature and development of the person.

This is necessary so that the child meets the requirements of society, lived, without breaking the rules and laws, respected the elders and helped weak. At the same time, he still must be smart, able, able to develop his talents and become good specialist. In addition, it is important for children to raise a sense of responsibility, to teach to understand the laws of relations, in order for them, when they grow up, could create their family and were happy in it.

Approximately such a plan adhere to many adults, engaged in raising children and demanding obedience from them. Parents' goals are the most positive, intentions - honest and decent, methods and means are different. Someone presses and demands someone manipulates, and some leave everything as it is, trusting the nature of the child and not interfere with the process of its development. All these methods have both advantages and disadvantages. The question arises: why many of them often do not work? And, over which for many years, "worked" adults, putting all the best in it, good, bright, starts stealing? Lying? Runs from home? Becomes aggressive and does it all upper for adults?

One of the options for answers to this question is false goals that pursue parents. About why it happens and how to understand parental relationship, upbringing and obedience, let's talk in this article.

"In childhood I was weak, shy, and I was often offended. Therefore, I want my child in any situation to stand up for myself "can think adults and begin to raise courage, courage, decisiveness in children, and better - give a section of struggle or sports. Girl. IN preschool age. Well, if a child from nature has strength and activity - then a visit to such classes will not be embarrassed and will not upset it, which means it will not cause harm. Much worse when they resist that they are trying to impose parents or adapt, without having strength to fight with adults. In the first case, the child will not obey adults, and avoid classes imposed on him, and in the second - he will be forced to live not his life, and someone else. In the first case, the relationship between children and parents will deteriorate, in the second - the fate of the child.

Require obedience from a child so that he does not repeat the mistakes of a mother or father - brutally towards him, because it is so deprived of the opportunity to become himself.

The behavior of parents is explained - they want to warn children from their own mistakes. However, it is worth understanding that in order for a child in life from anything from anything, it should not be released at all. Error and worry, sometimes to endure or suffer, solve problems - inevitably for a person, of course, when he lives a full life.

It is worth learn to trust your child and recognize him the right to make mistakes and correct them on their own.

Dreams of parents and baby

Often adults complain: "He has abilities for music. The teacher praises him. But he himself refuses to attend lessons! I started walking, deceiving me. Do not listen, I do not know what to do! "

This example demonstrates the lack of desire to be a musician even with good abilities. Question to parents: what is the need to force him to do what he does not want?

As a rule, these are parental expectations to see in the children of intellectuals, public people, feel a sense of pride in their talents. Especially often adults "impose" a child hated by him when they themselves could not realize their potential - did not become musicians, artists, artists.

It is worth thinking about what the desire to see a guitarist, purely, athlete, mathematics, leader in the child is dictated? And if this is not a children's passion for music, hockey or knitting, then for the sake of the health of the child and the calm of the whole family it is worth abandoning this goal. The child will be happy to perform what adults are told with one condition - when it will want to draw, play football, walt.

Parents want to become better

"My son does not listen to me, hooliganite. At school, he is constantly complaining. I probably bad mother" Such thoughts make adults even more "Easy" and "crush" not a child, requiring obedience to at the expense of it good behavior, in the eyes of other people to look like parents.

Want to become better due to the exemplary behavior of your child - speaks of low self-esteem, feeling of shame and insecurity. You can cope with this problem if you give yourself the right to be imperfect and stop "to drive" yourself and the child in the framework and the requirements that society exhibits.

Solve problems bad behavior It is worth not moving their border, dealing with what is happening with the child, what the reasons for what they complain, not "leaving" to the sense of guilt.

If you fail to understand this yourself, it is better to seek advice to a psychologist.

Parents with increased anxiety wish to raise such children so that they have never had problems with the law, they did not fall into a difficult or threatening life and health situation. For this, the mother and father strictly control each step of the child, they know everything about his classes and a circle of friends. It seems to them that if they are all predicted, then with the child nothing terrible will happen and then they will be calm.

Purpose of education and obedience in this case - Own well-being. Children in such families are unhappy.

The child needs to be allowed to be independent, getting experience and mistaken. It is impossible to protect it absolutely from all dangers and threats. external world. Practice shows that the more adults require something from children, the stronger those resist, especially in adolescence, when struggling to independence.

What do you need a child?

Children are not born by hooligans or aggressors - this is the first thing you need to know adults. Any deviating behavior lies a real reason or a problem that requires permission. Instead of criticizing, complaining and trying to make someone who they are not, it is better to go to straight Talk with baby. However, it is useful to remember how long the whole family spent time together, how he lives - a hooligan - what does he feel about what dreams of? Proximity, attention and support is from bad behavior.

How to treat parents?

Visiting is good, and at home is better ... This is familiar to the whole phrase today, it seems hopeless, outdated. Due to permanent family conflicts Many homes have become the real battlefield. Inability to communicate with each other often negates any attempts to reconcile.

Would you like your home to be a hearth of the world and love, and not reminded the theater of hostilities? Of course, it depends on each family member. However, having learned some principles of relationship with parents, you, for our part, can also do a lot to save peace in your home.

The problem of "fathers and children" exist has long been. Let's try to figure it out and think about how to avoid conflicts with loved ones and favorite people. Unfortunately, many guys make up a rather tense relationship with their parents. This may occur even if you love your parents and do not think yourself without them.

Parents are people who love you very much, nothing to do with you and to which should be treated with deep reverence. No one has such an influence on you like your parents, no family ties Are not those committed as communications with them.

When parents demand from their children to remove in the room, make lessons or return home no later than a certain hour, many teenagers immediately begin to resent or, worse than, openly ignore the requests of the parents! However, from how the teenager applies to parents, not only the atmosphere in the family, but his own life depends.

Yes, a lot of behavior depends on behavior. Therefore, let's think about the fact that the respect of the father and mother means.

Under the word "read" means recognition of legally established power. Parents are endowed with certain authority in the family, and they are responsible for their children before their age. And it means that you need to respect these right to establish rules for you. It is true that someone may have more indulgent parents than yours. But after all, your father with mom has to decide what is best for you, besides, in each family - their own orders.

Also true and that even the most good parents Sometimes they are too strict - and even unfair.

But in fact, everything is provided for your good. And parents truly love you and take care of you.

For example, Sergey Mom constantly reminded that the six-band motorway running near their home should be passed only by a special pedestrian bridge. One time two girls from his school began to sentence him to run the way to cut the way. Not paying attention to the fact that the girls called him a coward, Sergey went to the transition. Walking along the bridge, he heard the brake squeal. Looking down, the boy froze in horror: in his eyes girls hit the car, and they threw them up!

Fortunately, obedience to parents rarely becomes a matter of life and death, and though, as a rule, parents obey - useful.

Of course, you understand that there will have nothing to wait for respect, if you do not feel with respect and understanding to your own parents.

Translation from the Greek "Read" literally means "to consider precious." Therefore, you need to treat your parents, as infinitely expensive people, worthy of respect. This includes love and appreciation. However, some teenagers experience anything to their parents, just not love.

"Difficult" parents - do they deserve respect?

And indeed, if the parents are quick-tempered, lead an immoral lifestyle, drink and scandals with each other, - are they worthy of respect?

Your parents gave you life. Only for this they are already worthy of respect.

Your parents - no matter how imperfect they are - sacrificed for you very and very many.

According to the results of one study, the cost of education of a child up to 18 years of age is at least 66,400 $!

It must be remembered that parents give you not only money, but also love, care and joy. Try to remember it always.

In addition, the understanding: Even if parents apply not the best example, it does not mean that everything they say to you is bad.

How to crush offense?

But what if it seems that parents are abused by their authority? Do not get out of myself. Neither perturbation, nor anything will achieve anything.

Parents often see themselves in their children. When they take offense and criticize some of your mistakes or misses, it is possible that these are those mistakes and misses that they once did themselves.

One girl was very offended that the parents were constantly engaged in clarifying their relationship and seemed to have completely forgotten about its existence. Harmony on his parents resulted in neglect. And, called parents, the girl began to lead a dishonest lifestyle and take drugs. "It seemed to me that I would repay them for the insanity," she explains with bitterness. But, stinking, she hurt only himself.

The reasons for a dispute with parents can be a lot: in which the hour needs to come home, with whom to be friends, what to wear or what kind of television is on TV.

Some guys complain that all disputes with parents end in the same way: both that, and the other side with hours pour each other. After such a vessel, I want to close in my room, and these quarrels spoil the mood for a long time.

The most important thing is not to raise the voice in the dispute with your parents. Any dispute in which someone increases the voice can easily grow into large quarrel. If you try to speak calm and convincingly, parents are most likely listening to your arguments.

You should not immediately blame your parents in the fact that they do not understand you and generally treat you as a baby. Try to understand what caused such rigid parent demands.

Know that parents are responsible for their actions and will answer for any serious injustice that admitted to you. Sometimes it is better to forgive parents the pain that they have caused you, and try to forget about it (covered with your love). Instead of paying attention to parents' errors, it is better to think about their good qualities.

For example: One teenage girl lived with a mother, who did not show much sensitivity to his children, and with an alcoholic researcher. Note how the ability to understand their shortcomings helped her to bring offense. She says: "Probably, Mom did not show love to us because he herself was not accustomed to this," in childhood it was treated very cruel. "

Fortunately, cruel and irresponsible parents are a bit. Most likely, your parents are interested in you and try to be a good example for you. But despite this, they can sometimes cause irritation from you. "It happened, you will start discussing some problem with my mother, and she doesn't understand you at all," the teenager remembers. "It was so withdrawn me that I began to tell her with anger to tell her, just to hurt her. So I usually tried to repay her. But when I left, I became terribly not in my own; I knew that she was not easier now. "

Thoughtless words wound and insult, but do not allow problems. "And the language of wise doctors" (folk proverb). "Although it was difficult," the guy continues, "I returned home and apologized to her." But then I have already more calmly discussed my problem, and we usually managed to find some way out. "

Eight steps to reconciliation:

1. I make a decision to make an effort to notice me and heard my parents, but not by screaming, quarrels, anger.

2. My parents have the right to mistakes, since it is unknown who and how to adopt their love in childhood or in adult life.

3. I will cover their shortcomings with my forgiveness and love.

4. I will make every effort to understand my parents and their lives.

5. I will talk to them about what I love them, even if I repeatedly have to listen to accusations, reproaches and claims from them.

6. I will affectionately with them, even if they are rude.

7. My respect to them will be royal.

8. I make a decision anymore say no longer: "Socket", "everything is enough", "you don't understand anything," etc.

"Dad was right"

Some teenagers rise against parental guidelines, and then, pretty exhausted themselves and their parents, are convinced that parents were right. It can be seen from one example: one girl went along with a friend to ride the car. By that time, the guy was already in the twisted state of marijuana and beer. He did not cope with the control, and the car at a speed of 100 km / h crashed into a lamppost. The girl remained alive, but the forehead broke very much. And her friend escaped from the scene and even never appeared in the hospital, to at least somehow help her.

"When parents arrived at the hospital, I told them that Dad was right and that I had to listen to me for a long time. I performed huge mistake, which almost cost me life, "the girl admitted. After this incident, she radically changed their attitude towards parents.

Perhaps you would not hurt to change something. Yes, it may seem to read the parents - it is old fashioned. However, this is not only wise, but also right.

When you have our own children, you will understand why your parents do not allow you to drive on the street until midnight. Unfortunately, the street is now unsafe, so they worry about you are worried. Drugs, bandits, cars flying to crossroads at the speed of light, all this causes your parents to panic, horror and terrible alarm for you.

And what if you want to show respect for your parents, but come up on their misunderstanding or feel that they put too tight restrictions? - We will look at how you can improve this situation in the next lesson.

Why don't parents understand me?

Everyone wants to understand him. Therefore, you can upset if the parents do not show any interest to what you love and consider important, or treat it critically.

Most parents spend weight of time, energy and love to give their children the best. However, sometimes their idea about this "best" does not coincide with the point of view of the teenager. Many adolescents, facing parental misunderstanding, closed in themselves. During one large-scale study, it turned out that 26% of adolescents are trying to be at home as long as possible.

In many families, the relationship between adolescents and their parents give a crack, which often develops into the abyss. What is the reason?

"Power" or "Sedina"? What will take the top?

"Decoration of young men (and girls) is the power of them." However, your power can cause a wide variety of conflicts with parents.

"Decoration of old men - gray." Perhaps your parents literally still have no gray, but they are older than you, and naturally, they have other views on life. They know that life consists not only from joys. Perhaps they were convinced of this on bitter experience, and therefore look at the more sober than in his youth. Having gained wisdom over the years - a kind of "gray", - they already relate to the fact that you cause a stormy delight. Yes, between the "force" of the young and parent "gray" often lies deep abyss. Therefore, in many families there are disagreements as soon as it comes to clothes and appearanceabout attitude to opposing semi, On the use of drugs and alcohol, about the time of arrival, about choosing friends and about helping the housework. Parents do not understand what is happening with their children, but the teenager himself does not understand what happens to him.

He does not talk about themselves about himself, but they do not want to climb into his soul. Or they ask him, but he is angry and holds them. The guy declares his parents that already adult and independent, that he himself knows how to live and how to act ... but still the problem of generations is overcome. But before relying on the understanding of his parents, try to first understand them.

Parents are also people.

"When I was small, I, naturally, I thought that my mom" everything can "and that she does not have the same weaknesses and feelings as I," says one teenager. Then his parents divorced, and the mother had to bring up seven children. His little sister says: "I remember, I saw her (mother) crying because he would not cope with all the affairs. Then I understood how much we were mistaken. She can't do everything and always do everything right. We saw that mom is the same person, as we, with the same feelings. "

Realizing that your parents - ordinary peoplewho have the same feelings like yours, you will be much better understood. For example, they can worry if they will be able to raise you well. Or concerned about the many dangers and temptations that surround you, they sometimes may be too painful for something to react. And maybe some problems are unhappy: poor health, Financial difficulties, personal experiences. Imagine that the Father does not like his work, but he never complains about this. And if his child says: "I'm tired of going to school," it's not surprising that the father, instead of words of sympathy, will answer sharply: "That's what news?! I would care! "

Think of others.

Live for others if you want others to live for you.

But how to find out what you care your parents?

"Each of you should think not only about your good, but also about the good of others."

Ask mom, what it was in youth. What was worried about what she was striving for? "Most likely," says one youth journal, "Mom, seeing that you are not indifferent to her feelings and what you understand why they have her arise, will try to be more sensitive to yours." Without a doubt, the same can be attributed to the Father.

When some conflict arises, do not rush to accuse the parents in the fact that they do not want to understand you. Ask yourself: Maybe mom and dad feel bad or are concerned about yourself? Or maybe I offended them with some kind of rapid word or act? Or did they just misinterpret my words? Such sensitivity will serve good start In order to establish good relations with parents. And then you can make an effort to make parents to understand and you! And yet, many teenagers incredibly make this process. How?

Double life.

It was the same life that 16-year-old Natasha led: Contrary to the desire of his parents, she secretly met with one guy. It seemed to her that they would not be able to understand her feelings for him. Naturally, there was an increasing alienation between her and parents. Natasha remembers: "We only prevented each other to live. Toleure could not return home. " And then she decided to marry - just to leave the house!

Many teenagers also lead a double life - they are engaged in secret that parents prohibit them - and then complain that "parents do not understand them"!

A few years later you can be on the site of the parents, then you will understand that the greatest pain causes their children.

Fortunately, Natasha helped one elderly woman who told her: "Natasha, think about parents ... After all, they raised you. If you are hard to get along with people who have given sixteen years old, how can you get along with your peer, who, unlike them, did not do this? "

Natasha looked truth in the eyes. And I realized that I was deeply mistaken and that parents were right. She stopped meeting the guy and began to establish relationships with her parents. If you, like Natasha, hide something from my parents, wasn't it time to tell them about everything?

Your children will relate to you as you're talking about your parents.

How to tell about this parents?

(Practical advice)

To recognize to parents in some misdeed - it's not a pleasant thing.

Teenagers hiding their provinces often suffer from remorse. The misdememputes can become unbearable "heavy burden" for them. Trying to get out, teenagers, as a rule, begin to lie to their parents, thus worsening their position.

If you committed serious misconduct, tell me about all your parents (the whole truth). They have a life experience and, most likely, help you correct and no longer repeat the same mistakes. "The conversation can actually help," says Sasha. "In the end, when we confirm in everything, it really becomes easier." But how to tell about this parents?

In one book mentioned about "Word, said in suitable time" But what time is the most suitable? Sasha continues: "I'm waiting until the evening, and for dinner I speak dad that I have a conversation towards him." But a teenager, whom Mom brings up one, chooses another time for a conversation: "I usually talk to my mother before bed - at this time it is more located for conversation. And when she comes home from work, she is all on the nerves. "

Choose time when parents in good location Spirit.

You could start approximately like this: "Dad, Mom, I need to talk to you." And if it seems that parents are not up to you now? You can say: "I see you are busy, but for me it is very important. Could we talk? " Then you can ask: "Have you ever done something that was ashamed of going to tell?"

Now the most difficult thing is to: tell parents, what exactly you have guessed. With due humility, tell the truth, not the most seriousness of your misconduct and do not lower the details unpleasant to you. I speak out on your understandable parents and do not use expressions that are understandable only to young people.

Naturally, you have said to touch and upset your parents. Therefore, do not be surprised and do not be outraged if a hail of reproaches suddenly falls on you! Would you be in this position if at one time he had listened to their warnings? Therefore, stay calm. Listen that your parents tell you, and answer questions, no matter how tone them is given.

Definitely sincere desire Correct will not leave your parents indifferent. Nevertheless, be ready for deserved punishment. Remember the fact that you will still need help and the mature council of parents. But if you yourself understand that you make a deed, which will coordinate the parents, then maybe you should not do that. Therefore, if you get used to trust parents with small difficulties, you will be able to share with them and more serious problems without concerning.

Find time for communication.

Good communication is the basis of good relationships. Whatever the problems arose with your parents, understanding usually helps them solve. If we want to be friends with your parents, we must learn to communicate with them.

Why don't you take a rule to frankly talk with my mother or dad?

Communication with those who knew the rich life experience, will fight you from a one-sided look at life, often emerging in adolescents who are limited to friendship with their peers.

Politeness B. family circle It begins with how we appeal to each other. What your parents call you gentle by name, "Son" or "Favorite Daughter", we know, but what do you call our parents? Most teenagers talking moans and grumble.

Are you talking to your parents when you have disagreements about clothes, music, or in which you need to come back home?

One guy believed that his mother puts out completely unreasonable requirements. In order to avoid conflicts, he tried, as much as possible to go at home. But then I decided to follow the advice (see above). He recalls: "I began to share with my feelings with my mother. I told why I wanted to do anyway, not in a hurrying with the conclusion that she also knows everything. I often expressed the painful, explained that I didn't want anything bad and what I was very hard, because she turned to me as a small child. Then she began to understand me, and it all settled little. "

You yourself can make sure that pure heart"And" honest words "help solve many misunderstandings.

How to settle differences.

But this means that parents will not immediately agree with your point of view. Therefore, learn how to restrain my emotions. Express your opinion calmly. Speak essentially and do not go to objections like "why can I all, but can I not?"

Sometimes parents will deny you something. This does not mean that they do not understand you. Perhaps they just want to protect you from trouble.

"I have a very strict mom," says the girl. "I don't like it when she prohibits me something or when points to me, in which the hour came home." But in the soul she really loves ... She cares about me. "

It is impossible to describe the world and love with the words that reign in the family thanks to mutual understanding. The house becomes a reliable shelter from any adversity. But this requires the efforts of all family members.

Parents require

You say that you are not small and on the weekend you can return home later. And they say you have to come home on time. You say you want to watch a movie about which there is so many conversations, and they forbid you. You say that it became friends with excellent guys and you want to go with them to walk, and they say that they would first like to meet your guys themselves.

A teenager may sometimes seem that parents do not give him and step to step without their knowledge. That in response to his "I want ..." will certainly be hearding them "it is impossible".

It seems that from a non-primary parent Oka, just not to hide anywhere. A 15-year-old girl says: "Dad always wants to know where I am and when I come home. Most parents come in exactly as well. Do they necessarily need to know everything? I want to be more independent. "

Teens complain that parents are not considered completely with them. No confidence - just that, even listen, do not want, immediately accused of everything. No independence is the rules only around.

"With the Great Sorrow"

Do parents come accepted with you sometimes like with small? If so, do not forget that quite recently you really were small. In the minds of the parents, the image of a helpless child is still alive, and they are not so easy to forget it. They still remember the mistakes that you committed in childhood, and, regardless of whether you want or not, seek you to protect you.

This desire is very strong. When parents retreat to the second concern about how to give you a roof over your head, put on and feed you, they often have new difficulties - how to bring you up and protect, yes, it is to protect. And it's not by chance. And when it seems to them that your well-being is threatened, they begin to worry.

Take, for example, these eternal disputes about the one in which the hour you come back home. You may not see the reasons for such restrictions. But did you ever try to look at it with the eyes of parents?

Such an attempt was made familiar schoolchildren. They compiled a list of what, in their opinion, "can come to parents in the head if their children did not return home on time." The list met and this:

· Take drugs;

· Fallen in a car accident;

· Walk in the park;

· Watching unworthy content films;

· Drug trades;

· Disgrace our family;

· They were raped or robbed;

· We took into the police;

· We put in prison.

Not all parents will come to such, it would seem distant from the truth, conclusions. But doesn't all this happen to many adolescents? So is it to be resentment when you say that late walks and communication with a dubious company can be bad for you to end?

Why are they doing that?

According to some adolescents, parents are so worried about them that it begins to like to mania. However, do not forget how much time and strength dedicated to you parents. They may be hurt from alone thought that you, having matured, leave father's house. One woman wrote: "My sole son Already nineteen years old, but I am scared even think that someday he will leave home. "

So some parents tend to surround their child excessive care. However, it would be unwise to react too painfully. One young woman remembers: "For years to eighteen, I had a very close relationship with my mother ... But when I became older, difficulties arose. I wanted to be more independent, and my mother probably watched in this threat to our friendship. She tried to keep me nearby, but it repelled me even more. "

There is nothing wrong with relative independence, but for her it is impossible to sacrifice unity in the family. And how can one be achieved that relationships with parents are more mature and based on mutual understanding and respect, including respect for each other's views? It is very important to remember that respect is conquered by respect.

And if parents surround you excessive concernis not indignant. Show your parents as respect as you expect from them.

Misunderstanding

Did you happen sometimes, for reasons who are independent of you, come back home later than usual? Did it caused a rapid reaction from your parents? Such misunderstandings cause another opportunity to conquer their respect - it is to keep calm (not to be offered with parents; not pouring tears or reproach them in the fact that they doubted your motifs).

In any case, always remember that if you delay, find a telephone cabin and call parents: the best way to gain great freedom is to prove that you understand your responsibility for the actions performed.

Rules and requirements

From how you react to the demands of your parents, it depends largely how they will treat you. Some teenagers begin to be offended by their parents, deceive them or do something called. Require, whining, squeak - it means to behave in childish, and you want to convince the parents that you need to communicate with you, as with adults. If you want you to be allowed to come home later, do not behave like a child: do not insist on your own and not that "you can all."

Tip: "Tell them as much as possible that you are going to do so that they helped objectively assess the situation ... if you explain to them, where and with whom you will be and why you so important to stay there a little longer, then they probably do not will objected. "

When parents want to get acquainted with your friends - by the way, it is better if they do it, do not whistle like a small one.

Tip: "Sometimes there are friends to my friends to go home to, when you say that I went with Max to the movies, your father did not shout from another room:" What else is Max? "

"HAVE WILL GET"

Anton can not talk about her without a smile younger brother Ivan: "I am only 11 months old," he says, "the parents appealed to us completely differently. Much allowed me. With Ivan, everything was different, - continues Anton. - He was constantly controlled. My father did not even think of learning Ivan to drive the car when he was gone. Although I was allowed to use our car. And when Ivan decided that he was already an adult enough to walk on dates, the parents of strictly-setting it was banned. "

Do you think Anton was a pet? Not at all. He explains: "Ivan Ros is irresponsible and misintermetative. Often I did not fulfill what he was entrusted. I have never interrupted with my parents, and Ivan did not miss the opportunity to show what he disagrees with. And therefore he was not trusted. "

Want to be considered independent and responsible person? Prove it. Treat with all seriousness to any task assigned to you. Prove parents: what they would be assessed by, we can assume that it is already done!

"I proved to parents that you can rely on me," Anton says. - They sent me to the bank, trusted me to pay bills for utilitiesshopping. And when mom had to get a job, I even prepared for the whole family. "

Show initiative

And what if the parents do not charge you anything? Show the initiative.

Tip: "Offer to cook for all lunch and tell parents that you want to do everything yourself: you yourself will think up the menu, make a list of products, consider their cost, go to the store, you will welcome and remove everything." And if you are not silent in cooking, see how else you can help with the housework. It is absolutely not necessary to wait for the parents of special guidelines when you saw dirty dishes, a unwashed floor or an unobed room.

IN summer time Or on weekends, many teenagers work. If you belong to their number, did you prove that you know how to handle money correctly and you will not spend in vain? Did you have any desire to help parents with a payment of housing or food? (Ask residents of housing in your area - these figures can be a complete revelation for you.) Therefore, you need to remember: requests should be reasonable. Do not forget that your parents earn, and do not print money. Perhaps you will have less money on pocket expenses, but when parents notice that you contact money, as an adult, they will probably give you greater freedom of action.

But never take money from parents without permission.

We hope you will never do that. Even if your parents do not hide from you, where there are savings, never take money without parental permission. In relation to loved ones, this is a dishonest act. Cheat those who trust you is just dishonest.

Some guys ask how to do in the event that someone from friends requests a request to lend money?

If someone from your friends is drawn with such a request, and you know that this money is really needed, you can ask for your parents.

But we want to warn you: you should not talk about the guys who are engaged in the kind of help extorts money. In this case, any money can not be any speech. If the "favorite" will be too annoying, be sure to tell about this to parents. Do not be afraid of threats and reproaches of the "imaginary" friend.

Try at first Sam

Parents must be your friends, the source of tips and instructions. But this does not mean that they are obliged to all, to the smallest detail, to decide for you. Confidence in your ability to make decisions will appear with you only when you get used to working your head.

Therefore, do not run with the slightest signs of concern to parents, but try to first be in the essence of your problem. Do not take rapid decisions. Try to study your absolute question. We are calm everything, and even then go to my parents. Do not ask them what you do and how they would do in your place, but explain to them what happened. Share your arguments about this. And then ask that they think about all this.

Then the parents will see what you say no longer as a child. Your first serious step will prove that you have become an adult and deserve greater freedom of action. And parents most likely begin to treat you as an adult.

If parents broke up

"I remember how dad left us. Then we did not even understand what happened. Going to work, Mom left us alone. Sometimes we sat by the window and thought with fear that she was also gone from us ... "(girl, parents who divorced).

Parents divorce can become a real tragedy for a child, unforgettable grief. (Statistical report is one of 12.6 million children who live in houses marked with a divorce mark). Often, he gives rise to a child of a whole storm of emotions: shame, anger, anxiety, fear of being abandoned, guilt, depression, feeling of a non-writable loss and even the desire to take revenge.

If your parents recently divorced, you can also have such feelings.

Why do parents diverge?

Often parents hide their problems from children. "I don't remember that they quarrel," says the girl whose parents divorced when she was very small. "It seemed to me that they were all right." And even when parents are constantly scandaling with each other, their divorce may be for the child a perfect surprise! Often parents are bred, because one of them is guilty of sophisticated treason. Observation, as parental marriage breaks, can be one of the most bitter experiences in life.

Some parents achieve a divorce for not quite reasonable reasons. Some manifest egoism and, instead of overcome difficulties, bred, stating that " living together No longer brings them happiness "or that they" no longer love each other. "

However, if parents do not answer you questions about the divorce or limit to foggy answers, it does not mean that they do not like you. Maybe the parents absorbed by their experiences are just hard to speak on this topic. In addition, they may be embarrassed to confess in their insolvency.

"What will happen to me after their divorce?"

After the divorce of parents, some teenagers, in fact, they themselves break their lives. Someone, no longer thinking, throws her studies. Someone, giving an angry and despair out, begins to behave badly - no matter how missedly parents for ensuring. Oleg recalls: "After the divorce of the parents, I went perfectly broken and depressed. In school began trouble, and I was left for the second year. In a new class ... I just did what I was engaged in nonsense, and constantly got involved in fights. "

Caused behavior can be very successfully adding the attention of parents. But do you achieve something other than any additional trouble? After all, the man punishes his wrong actions only. Try to understand: parents also suffer. Oleg's mother admits: "I completely abandoned the children. After the divorce, I was in such a terrible state that I just had no strength to pay them attention. "

If no one is engaged in your upbringing, it does not mean at all that you can behave anyhow. Answer for your actions and discipline yourself.

In addition, do not take rapid decisions, for example, to leave the house. If it seems that parents are now not up to you, talk about how to act next to you, one hundred and older friends.

Still, you may have questions about the future. It is quite clear that due to the unsuccessful marriage of the parents you may be disturbed by the question of how successful your own marriage will be. Fortunately, family troubles are not freckles that are inherited. You have your own, unique life, so your future marriage It depends not from parental failures.

Perhaps now you are starting to bother questions related to food, clothing, housing, material means for life - with what before you did not even think about. However, as a rule, parents are trying to find the opportunity to provide children financially, even if they have to work anymore. Nevertheless, in the book on how to survive the gap, a realistic estimate is given: "The fact that once spent on the content of one family is now spending two, so each family member has to temper their requests."

It may well be that you have to do without the fact that you are used to, for example, without new clothes. You could even participate in the planning of the new family budget. Of course, the parents are bred, there is nothing good. However, even from that unpleasant Event You can extract "good." Researcher Judith Wallerstein said: "I am attracted and somewhere deeply touched the emotional and intellectual lift (in children of divorced parents), which occurred against the background of the disintegration of the family. Children ... with all seriousness revised what happened to their parents and came to the right conclusions regarding their future. They tried to find ways to avoid mistakes made by their parents. " Without a doubt, the divorce of the parents will not happen for you without a trace. But will this trail be an imperceptible scratch or unknown wound, largely depends on you yourself.

What can be done?

Try, calming down, at the right time to talk to your parents about what you worry. Explain to them that you are very upset and has come to confusion, learning about their divorce. Perhaps they will explain to you in more detail. And if not, do not fall into despair.

And finally, remember that, what would be the reason for the divorce, there is no guilt in it! According to Vallerstein and Kelly survey 60 divorced couples, the spouses vinyl in the collapse of each other's marriage, their bosses, relatives and acquaintances. However, according to researchers, "it is noteworthy that none of the spouses vinyl in this children." So the attitude of the parents has not changed.

Time heals

There is a "time to do". As in the case of bodily injury, for example, a fracture, several weeks should pass, or even months to complete recovery, and in the case of mental injury to healing, it is also required for some time.

Varlshtein and Kelly divorce researchers found that "such common fears, grief, reluctance to believe in what happened ... decreased or disappeared at all" for two years after the divorce of parents. According to some specialists, the most the worst consequences The divorce must disappear within 3 years. It may seem a long time, but before life returns to normal RiverMuch should change.

For example, the rhythm of life should be recovered, which was broken by divorce. There must also be time for your parents to recover from spiritual shock. Probably, only then they will be able to provide you with the necessary support. As soon as this dimension appears, you will feel that life comes back. However, Solomon warned: "Do not say:" Why are these previous days been better than the current? " Because you are not from wisdom you ask about it. "

Permanent memories of the past interfere with the correctly perceive present, they are only grieved. What atmosphere reigned in a family to a divorce? " Permanent quarrels, screams and insults, "Anna admitted.

Maybe now you have peace and peace?

"I'll pick them up"

Some cherish the hope of roming their parents - even when they had ever married!

But the divorce is a divorce, and it is meaningless to deny it. After all, it may turn out that no tears, prayers and efforts will make your parents live together again. So why torment yourself with unreserved dreams? Therefore, appreciated with what is, as well as with what you will not change anything.

Send your parents.

Remarking on parents for told you life can be quite fair. "My parents are egoists," one young man says with bitterness. - They did not think at all about how it would affect us. Just took and divorced. " Yes, this can happen. However, is it worth dancing yourself, living with bitterness and anger in the heart?

"Every irritation and rage, and anger ... yes will be removed from you; But be a good one to a friend, compassionate, farewell each other. " How can I forgive those who hurt you so much? Try to be objective to your parents - after all, they are imperfect people who are humanly mistaken. If you understand it, you will be easier to reconcile with them.

Go to your experiences.

"Actually, I never started talking about how I treat parents' divorce," one young man shared. However, chatting on this topic, he more and more losing immudeness, and at the end and could not resist tears at all. I broke out so long hidden experiences. The amazed young man admitted: "he agreed - and it became easier."

Maybe you better talk to someone, and not to get into yourself. Tell your parents that you have on your heart: let them know about your alarms and fears.

Cheer up!

Perhaps after the divorce of parents your life will no longer be like before. But this does not mean that it will become meaningless and insane. Do not be sad - do not let the sadness and anger to deprive you! Prigidly engage in study. Find yourself a hobby. Be always busy.

Yes, you will need zeal, purposefulness and time. Only then the pain caused by the divorce of your parents will gradually subscribe.

Is it worth getting out of the house?

"Mother and father! So I decided to leave. As I said, I do this not because I want to annoy or pay for something. I just can't be happy, constantly living in your pointer. Perhaps leaving the house, I will not find happiness either, but I still want to try. "

These words began its farewell letter To parents one girl.

One young man expressed it like this: "I just want to be more independent. You no longer satisfied that you live with my parents. Constantly some disputes, parents do not understand what you need. In addition, they infringe upon you what they need to report to them for each step. "

Perhaps you also came the thought to leave home.

Are you ready to independent life?

But is it possible to say that you are ready for such desirable independence? After all, it is not so easy to live as simple as it seems. Often there are difficulties with work. Prices for housing rapidly grow rapidly. And what often do teenagers, being in a financial deadlock? According to the authors of one book, "they return home and expect that parents will provide them again."

In addition, are you a mature man in mental, emotional and spiritual relationship? Perhaps you consider yourself an adult, but parents can still notice "infant" in you. And to whom, if not parents, know, to what extent are you ready for an independent life? Going against their will and acting at your discretion, you can easily get into trouble.

"I don't get along with them!"

You too? Even if it is so, you should not immediately throw some suitcases. Although you're no longer a child, you still need parents, and their wisdom and insight will most likely come to you for many years. Is it worth leaving the parents from his life only because you did not react with them?

This is what the young man says on this occasion, who left the house in order to live independently: "Never leave the house only because you can't get along with my parents. If you do not know how to get along with your parents, how can you then establish relationships with other people? Having left home, you do not solve your problems. On the contrary, only prove that "not rusty" before independent life and even more move away from the parents. "

Morality and motifs

Also, adolescents usually do not give the meanings that, too early to break away from their parents, they subjected their morality to serious danger.

One young man wanted to become independent and decided to live separately from his parents. Having lost them positive influenceHe looked around with his head in immorality, "Living Sluttino." Soon he wondered everything that had. It is not able to find no other work, he hired the mouth of the pigs, which was considered completely non-disabilities for any self-respecting person. Finally to this produal son Returned prudence. Having suppressed the pride, he returned home and began to begging his father for forgiveness.

Another young man recalls one of his peers who left the house: "He began to live with his girlfriend, although they were not painted. They constantly got the goals, alcohol flowed the river, and this guy often drove. He live at home, parents would never allow him anything like that. " And he concluded: "Of course, when you live separately from my parents, you have more freedom. But, if you really be fully frank, this freedom is often used as the ability to do what is condemned. "

Therefore, if you strive for more freedom, ask yourself: why do I want to find it? Maybe in order to acquire yourself some things or do at its discretion, what would the parents be banned, I live with them?

"How can I mature, live with my parents?"

In one book it is noticed: "Leave native home - does not mean to make a successful transition (to adulthood). Exactly, as remained - does not mean that you will not be able to grow up. "

And indeed, being an adult is much more than just have your own money, work and accommodation. To become on your feet, you need to be able to overcome difficulties. Eviating the unblenial situations, nothing will achieve.

Take for example strict parents or parents with severe character. Maxim's Father, now there is already a forty-semiletny man, always loaded his home affairs as soon as he came from school. During the summer holidays, when the rest of the children rested, Maxim had to work. "We did not see any rest, no entertainment, and I thought it was worse than my father there is no one in the world," says Maxim. - I have never dreamed of escape somewhere and live separately. " But now he thinks otherwise: "What a father did for me can be called an invaluable gift. Thanks to the Father, I learned how to work hard and overcome difficulties. Since then, I had problems and more serious, but I already knew how to deal with them. "

Not life, but a fairy tale

And yet in order to become adults, it is not enough to just live at home. One young man says: "There was no life with his parents, but a fairy tale. They did everything for me. " But to grow up, you need to learn how to work with your own hands. Of course, to carry out the garbage or wash clothes is not as nice, how to listen to the records of your favorite singers. But what will happen if you do not care about it? You will grow by a person completely addicted to parents and from others.

Whoever you are: Do you have a young man or a girl, are you preparing to independently: do you study food, make cleaning, stroking underwear, repair a car or make repairs in the apartment?

Material independence

As you want to quickly grow, not to ask for money from parents!

Young people in prosperous countries often refers to money as it is easy to earn and even easier to spend. Working part-time, they often descend their earnings on musical equipment or fashionable clothes. What a sharp "awakening" comes from these teens when they leave home to live independently! This is what the guy talks about itself, about which we have already mentioned: "By the end of the month (independent life), I did not have money or products."

Why learn how to dispose of money while you still live with your parents? They acquired a considerable experience in this matter and can help you avoid many troubles.

Ask parents such questions: how much do we have to pay for electricity per month? For heating? For water? For the phone? What are we paid taxes? How much do you need to pay for an apartment? Perhaps you will be surprised by learning that working teenagers often turn out to be more pocket money than their parents! Therefore, if you work somewhere, try to make a reasonable contribution to the family budget.

While you are at home - learn

No, to grow up, it is not necessary to leave home at all. While you live with parents, educate prudence and balance. Also learn to save a good relationship with people. Prove that you can react to criticism, failures and disappointment.

Sooner or later, such circumstances as marriage can make you leave the father's house. In the meantime, this did not happen, why hurry to get away from home? Talk about it with parents. Maybe they will be glad that you will stay, especially if you really contribute to the well-being of the family. Thanks to the help of parents, you will be able to grow up and learn something new, without leaving your home.

Should I run away from the house?

Many adolescents leave the family, just to get rid of unbearable, in their opinion, conditions. Life on the street is not life.

Every year more than a million adolescent runs out of the house. From one and a half million annually running away American boys and girls, most returns home in a few days, because whatever household difficulties, they are nothing compared to what awaits on the street: loneliness, hunger. But those who lasted the "on the street" of the month and more, usually begin to earn their prostitution on their bread and become victims of drugs.

Some seek to get rid of unbearable conditions in the family and run from beatings and sexual harassment. But much more often the reason for the victims are quarrels with parents because of school marks and domestic duties, disputes about the one in which the hour to return home and with whom to be friends.

No matter how terrible home problems, there are much more successful than escape from the house, ways to solve them.

Your eyes can be in the root differ from the views of parents. But did you ever think that your parents have a duty to bring up you? Therefore, they are entitled to insist that you do not communicate with those or other peers. Is it worth a rebel or run away from home? You also have a duty - to read the father and mother.

In addition, the flight from home you do not solve anything. "Just add a problem," says Emma, \u200b\u200bwho ran out of the house at the age of fourteen.

"Only a few fugitives can find themselves and live independently. Most live becomes even harder than before. "

"Children are not found on the street of desired freedom. They encounter the same as they, teenagers who fled or deprecated from home living in abandoned buildings and defenseless in front of robbers and violences. They also face a lot of people who do their dirty business at adolescents, and become their easy prey. "

Funny Emma "Sheet" one twenty-two-year-old guy - for a certain "fee": he forced her to sleep not only with him, but also with his nine friends. Emma was drunk and took huge doses of drugs. Another girl of the world, decided to escape from the family, in which she was brought up, because of his sexual abuse from the grandfather. Light began to engage in prostitution on the street, slept on a bench in the park or just where it is necessary. This happens with many teenagers escaped from home.

Most fugitives have no profession that would give them the opportunity to make a living. There are no documents necessary for the device: Certificates of birth, passport, registration certificates. "I had to steal and bite - says Leonid," but mostly steal, because no one has served. "

About 60% of the fugitives are girls, many of which earn their life prostitution. Fugitives are often looking out on auto stations Deltsi Porn business, drug dealers and pimps. Sometimes they offer frightened adolescents overnight or food. And even give these children what they did not have enough at home - the feeling that you love.

However, over time, "benefactors" begin to demand a "fee" for their services. Often you have to "pay" with your body: to engage in prostitution, participate in sexual perversions or posing for the fence. It is not surprising that many fugitives and fugitives, in the end, become cripples and even dying!

Your feedback

for several weeks, Daniel Josef Fitzpatrick would noted his fourteenth birthday. His seventeen-year-old sister discovered Daniel on August 11. He hanged on his own belt.
Unfortunate parents of a boy, Maurin and Daniel Sr., hardly experience a terrible loss. But they immediately decided that the world should know the truth about the death of their son. Daniel became a victim of Bulling - classmates constantly mocked him, until they brought to complete despair.

The boy wrote a letter in which he explained why he no longer wants to live. He told in detail how his school comrades, sixth graders from the local Catholic school, fell against him:

"... Anthony constantly fell on me. Together with John, Marco and José, he constantly mocked me. And once I could not stand and rushed from Anthony, then they all stopped. Besides John, he was very angry. Then I fought with John, he broke me a little finger. "

Denny, so the boy was called at school, became a victim of hooligans because of his completeness, evaluations, due to the fact that it was not "cool" like others. "I give up. Teachers do nothing to stop, "he wrote.

The father killed by Hora recorded the video and laid out on Facebook, trying to convey to everyone his message: no child should pass through the like.

"Now the whole world knows what happened to my son," - through tears says this simple mechanic. - "No child in the world should suffer so much as my son suffered." Father confessed, they and his wife noticed that the son had a problem in school, and even talked about it with the director. But the school's leadership did not take their anxiously seriously: "Everything we heard, it will be okay." "He is observed at a psychologist?" "You need to try more, Denny." "All will pass!"

Daniel Sr. could not hold back his anger, referring to the parents of boys who brought his son to suicide: "And you will hug them. Every day until the end of life. I just can not imagine. Your little monsters took away my happiness to hug my child. They took this happiness from my wife and daughter. Denny was an ordinary child, small and gentle. He was not "cool," was not cruel. I just want to hear his voice once again ... I want to hear how he will say " Good morning, dad. " And then I will say "Good morning" and "I love you" ... I told him everyone ... Every day. "

Deciding to open his heart to the world, Daniel's parents hoped to make people relate to the problem of bulling, to the cruelty of children. Very often adults are not perceived seriously the bullying of schoolchildren over the other, look at them as an ordinary prank. Think, boys started! Soon you can get up.

Sometimes it is really a game, but sometimes in your cruel entertainment children come too far, without understanding what it can lead to. And the victims of bullying, exhausted and offended by the whole world, are decided to "take revenge" by all the most terrible way, without understanding that death is forever.

The desire of a child to see from work, study or other responsibilities annoying many parents.

Most of the appeals to me with children over 5 years old happens about the inertness of the child, reluctance to learn, play sports, which is useful to do. In words, parents inspire the child what needs to be learn, helping the house and in general to be hardworking. But, we understand how you yourself contribute to the fact that children do not want to make efforts, any work is negative.

Experiment "What I want from the child"

Write out 10 typical requirements that you prevent the child. Among these requirements, there may be those that the child usually performs, and those that it is not inclined to perform, "misses the ears."

Example:

1. Evailing things

2. Election for food useful products

3. Charging charging

5. Through lessons

At the second stage of the experiment, ask yourself a question: Do I do what I demand from a child?

Not in all cases, you can directly answer this question, but in most cases you can find analogues of requirements for children in the life of adults. So, for example, you cannot do lessons, as you do not learn anywhere, but you can ask yourself a question - Do I postpone the work of work that should be made? Or do I avoid learning, which I have long needed to go?

The results of this experiment may be the most different.

The child must do what I can't

You may find what you need from a child that they are not capable of. For example, you require a child to stop carrying sweets, without feeling the strength to refuse dessert. Or you insist that he read the books, then how for a long time just watch the video in social networks. Or you demand from a child efforts in school, whereas for years you cannot fulfill this promise to pull up English. Or you push the child into communication, whereas they themselves are painful. Or you spread your things, but require a child to be cleaned.

When parents complain about the need to go to the unloved job, they serve the child an example of attitudes towards their duties in life.

When parents do nothing for own development In professional and personal areas, they teach a child to be passive.

When parents spend over one of the numerous monitors all their free time, they simulate a pastime for a child.

When parents are dissatisfied with great homework at school or wait, it will not wait for a vacation to relax themselves, they teach a child to hate their studies and strive for idleness.

The next time you will be ready to scold a child that he does not want to do his work "On Excellent", ask yourself a question - Do I do my job in life "On Excellent"? Do I develop in my profession, studying foreign languages, I am engaged in sports, I read really good books, I fond of art, I support the harmony and order around him, how do you know how to master my emotions? Most people, if they want to be honest with them, recognize that it is not. Adults are often passive in their lives, inert, but they require the best results from children.

Not superfluous will be wondering - on what basis the child will do what you can't? He is the same person, it is also difficult for him and laziness, and the ability to motivate himself is much less than yours.

Know yourself before you want to know the children. Before you schedule a circle of their rights and obligations, give yourself a report that you are able to yourself. You yourself are the child who has to learn more than others, to raise, teach.

Yanush Korchak

It happens that all the vital activity of parents (mother, as a rule) comes down to ensuring the success of the child.

Anna, Mom of two girls 10 and 13 years old was very passionate about their development: mugs, museums, books - everything was granted to children. However, a woman bothered the lethargy of girls, they all did from under the stick, and the successes were average. It was hurt so much to invest in children and get such a faded result. Anna herself did not work and admitted that she had long waved his hand to his profession (she was a financier). There was no time to work, everything was occupied by children, and there was no special aspirations. Anna also treated his appearance and health: there was no indifferent: there was no incentive to look good, there was no time to play sports and their health.

In this example, children receive two multidirectional messages. On the one hand, they are inspired by the idea of \u200b\u200bthe value of growth and achievements. They are based on classes and develop the most different ways. On the other hand, a man engaged in raising the most tight (mother) is not an example of the high development of human nature (with significant, by the way, the potential). Mom engaged in children very in essence, alone, although labor costs: Delivery girls on classes and leads the economy. Everyone who tried to do this would confirm that it was troublesome and difficult. But wasn't Anna Girls prepared to such a life, did she have taken them to all classes? Of course not. However, she herself was such an example of an adult life offered to children.

There are so many such examples, parents seek focus of attention from their personal development on the development of children, trying through them to get the fact that it is very difficult for themselves: success, recognition, confidence. The danger here can threaten on both sides:

1. Children often resist the onslaught of parental requirements. The more demands and the older your child, the more likelythat he will live "Alien" an life imposed on him and resist her. And the smaller the parents have a chance to realize themselves, without the help of children, the more persistent they can be in relation to children. It forms vicious circle: Parents to implement own ambitions Heat on children, forcing them to work, children in response to pressure, become inert and passive, which makes parents be even more active and the circle closes.

2. Usually, the fruits of parental efforts do not inspire them themselves, they seem insignificant and certainly cannot fill all the needs of an adult in public status. Simplistic speaking, our society does not "pay" the great recognition of mothers who grow developed children. And one of the fact that you have lovely baby Most often not enough to feel your life implemented.

Why doesn't the child follow my example?

And what if you find that most of the requirements that you exhibit the child, do you perform and yourself? If the children agree with your requirements, then accept my congratulations - this excellent resultwhich you yourself are probably satisfied. But, it happens that most of the requirements of a child for some reason ignores, despite the obvious positive example Parents. Let's consider the three main reasons that can lead to such a situation.

The effect of counter-role complement

This effect (which is about which more) is manifested completely and near parents and children. For example, parents are very responsible, included in school lessons, and the child is passive and irresponsible. In this case, parents are replaced by their activities of the child, and its responsibility and initiative are not developed. Parents who have enthusiastically make school projects instead of a child should not be expected that one day they will see the same enthusiasm at the child. Another example, a child with a delay in the development of speech is often brought up by very energetic parents, who, with any attempt to say something, seek to explain what he meant without giving him to develop new level, speech, simply protecting it from any need for this.

Examples of substitution and replacement by the parent activity of the child can be brought infinitely. The other day I watched the scene in the cafe: Mom, diving under the table, stretched vigorously on his child (by sight, at least first grader) Winter jumpsuit and shoes. The boy at the same time not only did not help the mother, but did not even show the slightest interest in what is happening, the melancholy looking at the ceiling. There is no doubt that Mom considered the child to be "dissatisfaction."

If you are too active, the child will not develop the qualities that you replace. He will not become more attentive if a pair of malicious maternal eyes follows each of his mistake, he will not be responsible if he is insured all the time and do not come together with the consequences of his irresponsibility. He will not develop an initiative and craving for knowledge if the parents are stitching it with information, they have not yet been demanded and not accepted.

Parents at the distance from the child

If you are active, sociable and inquisitive, and your child is passive, they are closed and not interested in anything, that is, it is not like you, you can think about that all your top Qualities You show away from the child, and someone actually raises him. Yes, you are his parent, but not an educator.

The family of Konstantin and Marina had two boys. Eldest 14, younger 10. Both parents worked, had a successful professional career, they were engaged in sports, self-development, conducted active social life. The family appealed to a psychologist with a question that concerned children: the younger had social difficulties, could not communicate with the children, the eldest was excessively passive, had problems with excess weight. Parents were desperate: children did not inherit their wonderful qualities, no style of life. It turned out that the opportunity to directly educate children from their parents was never, nanny and teachers were engaged. None of the hired staff was not seriously interested in harmonious Development The personality of the boys, everyone engaged in the transfer of their portion of knowledge.

If you expect to seriously influence the development of your child, you have to be near him, communicate, transmit your views and vision of the world. The largest influence on the child will have that person who is closer to him. Who will it be? Nanny, grandmother, older brother? If you have left a child to care to third parties, then do not be surprised that it will be "all in the nanny." All excuses about the fact that you were too busy in order to raise your own children will not be able to console you when you see the results of your elections.

Requirements contradiction

It happens that ronated demands To the child, have " pour park" The parent really does not want them to be performed. Thus, the parent may require a child of independence and responsibility in school cases, but internally interested in preserving its great influence on the situation, the need for its active participation.

Barbara Ivanovna Grandma 8 Summer Masha, constantly complained that she had to sit on her clock with the girl behind the lessons. She was a pensioner and devoted his whole life to the fact that she said to "pull out" the child. Masha, however, was quite a normal student and did not need it to be insured in any little things and somewhere "pulled out." She studied not on the top five, but her level of progress did not imagine any danger for the future girl. To any offer a little step away, to give the girl a little more independence of Varvara Ivanovna reacted painfully and aggressively. The fact is that the "helplessness" of the girl was indirectly beneficial to the grandmother, in dire need of improving his status in the family and the feeling of its need.

Mom appeals to a psychologist with the problem of uncontrolled rudeness of his daughter. The rudeness is drawn to the grandmother, the mother-in-law applied. No requirements for the girl, threats and sanctions help. In the process of work, it turned out that two women (daughter-in-law and mother-in-law) are extremely stretched, although calm externally relations. In this relationship, the mass of unspoken wrath and complaints. The girl does towards his grandmother what her mother cannot afford. And gets an invalid encouragement from the mother. Outwardly, it is scolded for rudeness, but in the depths of the soul, the mother believes that the grandmother has been deserved by her unbearable character. And it broads this daughter at a non-verbal level.

If you persistently do not listen to the child, think if it does not receive internally contradictory messages.

It happens that the requirements for the child are contradictory and more explicitly. For example, from a child, it is necessary to simultaneously reach knowledge, more read, strive to learn new and "not clever." Or he is given the installation "I do not go anywhere," and then he is jourished for the timidity. In such cases, the child is in a very difficult position: choosing one tactic, it will definitely contradict the other. As a rule, the child will really choose something one and will not be able to show you all the unnaturalness of your contradictory requirements for it. But you can see it yourself by analyzing your relationship with the child.

If the child does not do what you want from him, it is not only trouble, but also the opportunity. The ability to analyze in life, your child requirements and their ways to communicate with children and with you.

© Elizabeth Filonenko