Ross green is an explosive kid read. Explosive child. A new approach to understanding and raising easily irritable, chronically intractable children

29.03.2019

In just a couple of weeks of my return to the conference, I read a lot of stories about how kids school age They make fun of foster parents, are rude, fall into aggression, do not give in to normal measures of upbringing and suck out all their strength. She herself has such a child, therefore, of all the topics, I read these with special attention.
Accordingly, I actively pounce on all the literature mentioned in these topics. A couple of days ago, in a conversation, we mentioned the book "Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in Children", OI Romanchuk. I did not find this book in a free version, but I came across a book

Ross W Green. Explosive child. New approach to the upbringing and understanding of easily irritable, chronically intractable children.

This is just about such children with whom you do not go to the doctors, there are a lot of diagnoses, drug therapy does not help, there is no explanation of the reasons for this behavior, and standard measures of upbringing lead to completely opposite results when the child gets even more excited. Usually they say "manipulator" about such a child.
Examples from this book are exactly the same about my child. As if from scratch, a serious scandal with name-calling, spitting, fists, throwing on the floor is suddenly played out. And the measures of influence on such a child and understanding it are not so complicated. Well, maybe a little unusual and all the time you want to turn onto a knurled track.

Several quotes from the book:
- if your child could behave well, he would behave well.
If he could take the restrictions imposed by adults and the demands of others calmly, he would do so.
- If you consider the child's behavior intentional, conscious and purposeful, then labels such as "stubborn", "arguer", " little dictator"," Extortionist "," thirsty for attention ",
"Absurd", "lover to command", "brawler", "off the chain", etc. will seem quite reasonable to you, and the use of popular strategies forcing obedience and explaining to the child "who is in charge" will become acceptable a way to solve the problem. Is this how you explain your child's behavior? You are not alone in this. And you're not the only one who finds that
such an explanation and the corresponding upbringing strategy do not give the desired result.
- such children do not deliberately choose irascibility as a manner
behavior, in the same way that children do not choose deliberately reduced ability to read: such children simply lag behind the norm in the development of skills of adaptability and self-control. Consequently, traditional explanations for the irascibility and disobedience of children, such as: "he does this to attract attention", "he just wants
get his way "or" when he needs, he can behave perfectly, "have nothing to do with reality. There is a huge difference between looking at violent behavior as a result of developmental delays and blaming a child for deliberate
conscious and purposeful bad behavior... And explaining the reasons for a child's behavior, in turn, is inextricably linked to the methods by which you try to change that behavior.
-in relationships with explosive children, adults often
have a very different philosophy: children behave well if they want to. Proponents of this view are convinced that children are quite capable of behaving in a more acceptable way, but they simply do not want to. Why don't they want this? A familiar explanation, common even among the best acting
the motivation of psychologists is that the parents of such children are poor educators.
-Rule number one: don't believe too much that your psychiatric diagnosis will help you understand
your explosive child. The diagnosis will not help to understand which impaired intellectual skills underlie it. constant scandals and hysterics. The following description is much more useful than any diagnosis, for it helps to understand what happens to the child (and sometimes to the adult) when he explodes:
...
an explosion (outburst of irritation), like any other form of maladaptive behavior, occurs when the demands placed on a person exceed his ability to adequately respond to them.
- Adaptability and self-control are important developing skills that some children do not develop at a level appropriate for their age. A delay in the development of these skills leads to various deviations in behavior: sudden manifestations of irascibility, tantrums, physical and verbal aggression, which often become a reaction to the most innocent set of circumstances and are traumatic. Negative influence on the relationship of such children with parents, teachers, brothers, sisters and peers.
- The strategy for helping a child depends on how and with what words you explain his explosive behavior.

Tell me, have any parents of manipulative children tried this method of upbringing on their children? The book was published in 2009 and I believe that I am not the first who came across this book.

Interview with renowned American psychologist Ross Green, author of The Exploding Child: A New Approach to Raising and Understanding Easily Irritable, Chronically Intractable Children

Many children seem happy, obedient, and helpful as long as they get what they want. Until you are faced with a situation where something is not going according to the scenario of the child, you may not even suspect that there is another side to his behavior. Young children cannot deal effectively with problems, switch from expectations to reality, accept the fact that they will not always get what they want, and so on. These situations can lead to tantrums. Although parents are concerned and annoyed with this behavior, it is quite normal for their age (this age is called "terrible second year"). However, if a child does not pass this stage of development, or, conversely, if his behavior deteriorates with age, he may become stubborn and quick-tempered, in other words, exhibit "explosive" behavior.

There are no uniform signs of explosive behavior in children. Most often, psychologists identify 2 main signs: poor ability to tolerate frustration and high level stubbornness. But even these characteristics can be expressed in children in different ways.

Some children may be short-tempered many times a day, some only 1-2 times a week. For some children, this behavior appears only in a certain setting (for example, at school or at home), for some - anywhere. When a child is frustrated, he can scream, swear or show aggression, these behaviors can be combined with him. Uncontrolled behavior in explosive children is a reaction to feelings of helplessness due to frustration. And because of this, it becomes difficult for a child to find mutual language with others.

We use proven methods in our upbringing. Why they not work?

Parents of "explosive" children often use the method of consequences in their upbringing, but do not feel any noticeable improvement. In many cases, the consequences are effective, but this method is based on principles that may not work for your child.

If the parents reward the child's good behavior and ignore the bad ones, it helps to improve the behavior. However, this does not take into account cases where parents do not respond to the child's good behavior, because they take it for granted. Instead, they pay attention to the bad behavior in an attempt to fix it. Thus, they do not recognize the child's good behavior and reinforce the bad behavior.

The Consequence Method is based on the following principles:

easy-to-understand short directions help the child better understand what the parents expect from him;
correct use consequences (including rewards and punishments) teaches the child to follow parental instructions;
consistency in the actions of the parents teaches the child that they will not abandon their rules even when he goes into hysterics.

These principles are generally good and can be used by parents in raising their children. But if a child cannot cope with his behavior, when he does not get what he wants, or when he is experiencing strong frustration, he does not see the situation as a whole. In such cases, the child does not intentionally show stubbornness - he simply cannot understand that you are trying to change his behavior.

Consequences are effective in teaching the child what behavior is acceptable and what is not, and in motivating the child to behave differently. However, most children already understand well what kind of behavior is expected of them. There is no need to teach this to children again. In addition, children do not want to constantly lose control of their emotions or actions, or to be constantly frustrated. In other words, children are already interested in changing their behavior, they just do not know how to do it. The point is not to establish effective consequences- no consequences will force the child to abandon his goals and accept yours.

These features apply not only to "explosive" children. Under certain circumstances, every child can experience strong negative emotions. And if the child cannot cope with them, no encouragement or punishment will help.

Imagine this incredible situation. Madonna's producer approached me and offered a huge fee for me to perform in her place at concerts. I would be very highly motivated. I would hire a vocal teacher and study with him every day, despite the fact that I have no hearing. But I could never sing like Madonna. If the producer punished me for this, I would be frustrated: why should I meet his unrealistic expectations if I am not physically capable of it? Punishment would not help me learn to sing like Madonna; I would only build up anger and hostility.

Why are the consequences ineffective for explosive children?

By definition, the consequences come after the act. They will not help to change the child's behavior in the future, if he does not explain why he experienced certain consequences the last time. The consequences must also be strong enough to make the child want to change their behavior. When a child is quickly frustrated, he loses the ability to think clearly. His behavior is a reaction to negative emotions.

When a child cannot cope with increasing frustration, he cannot rationally evaluate his behavior. Moreover, he cannot foresee the consequences of his bad behavior. If his parents at this moment make him a remark, his frustration increases even more. Therefore, the child does not understand that the parents expect him to follow the instructions. In such situations, it is almost impossible to establish a link between compliance with the rules and positive consequences and conversely, between bad behavior and negative consequences... “Explosive” children are poor at concentrating and foreseeing the punishment they faced in similar cases earlier. They do not know how to learn from own experience and see the connection between your behavior and the reaction of your parents.

How can you reduce your child's frustration and control their outbursts of emotion?

To help your child cope with their behavior and prevent emotional outbursts, the focus should be shifted from consequences to early signs bad behavior. While it may seem like outbursts of emotion come out of nowhere, they really are not. There are events or certain factors that portend or contribute to an outbreak. Parents need to learn to recognize these early signs. This is the first step towards helping your child. You need to catch the moment when the child begins to experience frustration. Pay attention to moments when the child cannot think clearly (this may be evidenced by incoherent speech, slight inconsistency and irrationality in actions). At this point, you can still convince the child to compromise or change their behavior. To prevent outbursts of emotions and to correct the child's behavior for early stages, you can also use the following strategies:

show empathy. Try to understand what events or situations are upsetting your child. When you feel like a flare-up is about to begin, show that you are worried that the child is having difficulty. Help him identify his feelings;
distract your child. Use humor to release tension or to divert your child's attention to activities that are more enjoyable for them. This will help him to avoid frustration for a while. He may also benefit from the support of others, for example, hanging out with friends will allow him to relieve stress. Once the child has calmed down, you can help him deal with the source of the frustration and develop emotional flexibility;
avoid dead ends. Do not continue the conversation when the child becomes angry and you do not reach an understanding. No one can think soberly when they are experiencing negative emotions. Remain calm and show your child that you understand their feelings. Let him rest. If he runs away from the room, don't chase him - give him some space;
don't take it personally... Your child may say unpleasant things to you. Remember that he is not thinking about the consequences of his words. His reaction is based on emotion, not rational thinking... Show him an example of calm behavior so that he can see that it is not necessary to get angry if someone argues with you.

In the book of Professor Ross W. Green, specialist in clinical psychology and psychiatry medical school Harvard, describes a new approach to children, for whom the epithet "explosive" has stuck. These children demonstrate intolerable behavior for others: they suddenly fall into an "inadequate" state, often show physical and verbal aggression, and arrange long-term scandals. Green's Method was developed to help explosive children learn to regulate their behavior, cope with outbursts of anger and irritation, and peacefully resolve disputes and disagreements. The book is addressed to psychologists, parents, educators and teachers.

Chapters / Paragraphs

1 Case of pancakes

Jennifer is 11 years old. In the morning, she wakes up, makes the bed, looks around her room to check if everything is in order, and goes into the kitchen to make herself breakfast. In the freezer, she finds a bag of six frozen pancakes. “Today I'll eat three pancakes, and I'll leave three more for tomorrow,” Jennifer decides, warms up three pancakes and sits down at the table.

Soon her mother and five-year-old brother Adam come to the kitchen. The mother asks the boy what he would like for breakfast. Adam says, "Pancakes," and Mom opens the freezer to get a bag. Jennifer, who was listening intently to their conversation, explodes.

Don't give him pancakes! Jennifer yells, her face flushed with anger.

Why? the mother asks, involuntarily raising her voice and getting irritated. She is unable to understand Jennifer's behavior.

I'm going to eat these pancakes tomorrow! Jennifer squeals, jumping up from her chair.

And I'm not going to take them away from your brother! - shouts the mother in response.

No, he won't get them! - continues to yell Jennifer, standing face to face with her mother.

Remembering that at such moments, Jennifer is capable of both street swearing and physical aggression, the mother desperately asks Adam if he will agree to something other than pancakes.

But I want pancakes, ”Adam whines, hiding behind Mom's back.

Extremely irritated and agitated, Jennifer pushes her mother away, grabs a bag of pancakes, slams the freezer door with a bang, angrily throws the chair away and, grabbing a plate of hot pancakes, runs into her room. The girl's brother and mother are crying.

Jennifer's family members have survived thousands similar situations... Often these explosions are longer and more intense and contain more physical or verbal aggression (when Jennifer was eight years old, she kicked windshield family car). Doctors gave Jennifer a wide variety of diagnoses, including oppositional defiant behavior disorder, bipolar disorder, and intermittent explosive disorder. But none of these labels give the girl's parents a comprehensive explanation of the constant scandals and tensions that Jennifer's behavior causes.

Her mother, brother and sister live in constant fear. Jennifer's extreme irascibility and lack of adaptability 1 in her character make the girl's parents live in constant tension and demand from them huge efforts... Because of this, they are unable to pay enough attention to Jennifer's brother and sister. Parents often argue about how to deal with their daughter's behavior, and both admit that living with Jennifer is a major challenge for their marriage. Although intellectual development Jennifer is above average and has no close friends. Children are frightened off by the girl's intolerance and her unwillingness to make concessions.

1 Hereinafter, the concept of "adaptability" is used in an extended meaning: it implies not only the simplest ability to adapt to the environment, but also a kind of mental flexibility - a person's ability to compromise, skills to get out of conflict situations, the ability to avoid sharp corners in relationships with people around. (Approx. Ed.).

Jennifer's parents consulted a myriad of professionals. Usually they were advised to install more strict framework and more persistently correct the daughter's behavior, and also recommended different methods rewards and punishments, mainly through the use of a system of reward points and sending to the corner. When it became clear that these methods did not help, it was tried drug treatment- countless combinations of different drugs which also did not give notable results... After eight years of listening to advice, imposing strict limits, using drugs and incentivizing programs, Jennifer's behavior has not changed much compared to what was observed back in her preschool age when the parents first noticed that something was wrong with their daughter.

Most people do not even suspect how humiliating it is to be afraid of your own daughter, - Jennifer's mother once admitted. - Parents who have not had a chance to encounter this in their own family have no idea what it is like. Believe me, that's not what I dreamed about when I was going to have children. Our life has turned into a complete nightmare.

You have no idea what shame grips me when something like this happens to Jennifer in front of strangers- continues the mother. - Every time I want to explain that I have two more children who never allow themselves anything like this, and that in fact I - good mother!

I know what others think: "What kind of clumsy parents ... this girl must be kept tightly in hand." Trust us, we have tried every possible remedy. But no one could explain to us how to help her ... no one could explain what was wrong with her!

I hate what I've become. I have always considered myself gentle, patient, kind person and I didn’t even suspect in myself the ability to do such actions, to which communication with Jennifer pushes me. I was emotionally exhausted. I can't live like this anymore.

I know quite a few parents who have difficult kids ... you know, what hyperactive kids are, or kids who find it difficult to concentrate. I would give mine left hand for a child who has only hyperactivity or trouble concentrating! Jennifer is of a completely different type, and therefore I feel very lonely.

In fact, Jennifer's mom is not alone: there are many such Jennifers. Their parents often find that parenting strategies that are effective for other children — explanations, arguments, moral support, caring, attention-shifting, neglect, reward, and punishment — do not produce tangible results with their children. Even the medications that are usually prescribed for these children do not lead to noticeable improvements.

If you opened this book because your family has its own Jennifer, then it means that you are familiar with the despair, pain, embarrassment, anger, bitterness, guilt, fatigue, and a sense of hopelessness that Jennifer's parents experience.

In addition to those mentioned above, there is also whole line diagnoses that are usually given to such children. These include, inter alia, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), depression, Tourette's syndrome, anxiety disorders(including obsessive-compulsive syndrome), speech disorders, impaired sensory synthesis, non-verbal learning disabilities, reactive attachment disorder and Asperger's syndrome. These children are also often said to be simply tough. Regardless of how the phenomenon is labeled, children like Jennifer are united by a number of distinctive properties, which primarily include extreme non-adaptability and practically complete absence self-control in the situation emotional stress 1 . These properties significantly complicate the life of both the children themselves and those around them who are forced to communicate with them. These children find it incredibly difficult to think sanely in situations of emotional stress. Even simple changes situations and requests from others can cause them to have an acute tense reaction, physical and verbal aggression. For the sake of simplicity, I will refer to these children as "explosive" below, although the method described in this book is also applicable to children who withdraw into themselves and avoid communication with others due to problems with flexibility and emotional self-control.

How do explosive kids differ from their peers? Let's look at the usual everyday situation... Imagine that child number 1, Hubert, is watching TV and his mother asks him to set the table. Hubert switches relatively easily from own plans(watch TV) to the mother's demands (set the table). Therefore, in response to: “Hubert, please turn off the TV and set the table for dinner,” he will most likely answer: “Okay, Mom, I'm coming” - and soon after that he will really set the table.

1 In the original, the term "frustration" was used. (Approx. Transl.)

Baby number 2 Jermaine - over difficult case... It is not so easy for him to switch from fulfilling his plans to fulfilling the requirements of his mother, but still he is able to cope with irritation and move from one action to another (often after a threat from his parents). Thus, in response to the request: "Jermain, please turn off the TV and set the table for dinner," at first he can shout out: "Leave me alone, I don't want to!" or start whining "You always make me help just when my favorite show is on." But after some extra effort on the part of the mother (“Jermaine, if you don’t turn off the TV and set the table immediately, you’ll go to the corner”), these children are also able to switch.

Finally, let's consider a situation involving Jennifer, child number 3. The explosive child switches between different kinds activities, the transition from fulfilling their plans to fulfilling the mother's request often causes rapidly increasing, intense and irresistible irritation. Such children are not able to switch, and in response to: "Jennifer, please turn off the TV and set the table for dinner" they often explode instantly (even despite the threat from their parents), and it is impossible to predict what they will say or do.

But explosive kids are also very, very different. Some lose their temper dozens of times a day, while others only a few times a week. Sometimes this happens only at home or only at school, and sometimes at home and at school. Some raise their voices, start screaming, but do not resort to swearing, verbal or physical aggression. One such boy, Richard, a cheerful and affable 14-year-old diagnosed with ADHD, burst into tears when we first met when I asked him if he wanted to learn how to deal with his annoyance in order to improve family relationships. Other explosive children scream and swear, but do not resort to physical aggression. For example, Jack who is pleasant, developed, but prone to seizures bad mood a 10-year-old boy diagnosed with ADHD and Tourette's syndrome, regularly showed a lack of adaptive skills and fell into hysterics for the most insignificant reasons, and his swearing and screaming in fits of irritation provoked similar reactions in his parents. But there are also children who demonstrate the whole complex negative reactions... For example, Marvin, a smart, active, impulsive and irritable 8-year-old boy with Tourette's syndrome, depression and ADHD, reacts incredibly intensely to unforeseen changes in the environment (sometimes his reaction turned into physical aggression). On one occasion, Marvin's father accidentally turned off the lights in the room where Marvin was playing a video game, leading to an hour-long scandal of truly epic proportions.

As you read this book, you will realize that there are wonderful qualities in the character of such children, and these children have great potential. In most cases, their general intellectual development is at the normal level. But lack of adaptability and emotional self-control skills overshadow them. positive traits and causes unthinkable pain for both the children themselves and their loved ones. I do not know of any other category of children, true reasons whose actions would be so misinterpreted. Usually, the parents of these children are caring, friendly people who experience deep feeling guilt because they are unable to help their children.

You know, - says Jennifer's mom, - every time hope is reborn in me ... every time communication with Jennifer causes positive emotions... I look to the future with optimism and love for her wakes up in me ... and then everything collapses again due to another scandal. I am ashamed to admit it, but most of the time I find it difficult to treat her with love and tenderness, and I do not at all like what she turns our family into. We live in a situation of constant crisis.

Children like Jennifer's are undoubtedly different from everyone else. Recognition of this fact is a difficult and painful test for parents and all those on whose shoulders the care of such children falls. But this does not mean the collapse of all hopes. It's just that parents, teachers, relatives and professionals working with such children need to realize another fact: explosive children often require special approach in the area of discipline and constraints, and this approach differs from the generally accepted one.

For proper interaction with explosive children, first of all, a clear understanding of the reasons for such behavior is necessary. Effective coping strategies naturally flow from understanding the causes of the child's peculiar behavior. In some cases, understanding the motivations for such behavior itself leads to better relationships between children and adults, even without the use of special strategies. The first chapters of this book will help the reader understand why it is so difficult for explosive children to adapt to changes in the environment and the demands of others, why they are so irritable and prone to unpredictable tantrums. Along the way, we will find out why the popular methods that are used to communicate with difficult children often do not live up to expectations. In the chapters that follow, you will read about alternative strategies that I have successfully used over the years with children, their families and teachers.

If you are the parents of an explosive child, this book will help you restore peace of mind and an optimistic outlook on life, and believe that you can help your child. For relatives, friends, teachers, and therapists, it will help you better understand what is happening. There is no panacea. But there is always reason for hope and optimism.

Foreword

Pancake case
Children behave well if they can
Stabilizers and destabilizers
Stabilizers and destabilizers in real life
The truth about the consequences
Plan b
Possible mistakes
Teach your children!
Family matters
Medicines and full life
Plan B and school
Time to act
Concise vocabulary medical terms

Foreword

Dedicated to Irving A. Green

Anyone can get angry - it's easy ... but get angry with the right person

in the right way, in the right time, for the right reason, and in the right way, it’s not easy.

Aristotle

If I am not for myself, who is for me? If I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, then when?

Hillel

Illusions are the truths by which we live until we grow wiser.

I would like to acknowledge my highly regarded colleague and friend, Dr. Stuart Eblon, whose insight and energy have greatly contributed to the development of collaborative problem solving. I am also, as always, indebted to my agent and friend Wendy Lipkind.

My thoughts on how to help explosive kids and their parents were influenced by my interactions with many parents, teachers and mentors of explosive kids. I was incredibly fortunate to be mentored in clinical psychology while at the University of Virginia, Dr. Thomas Ollendick. During my internship, I was greatly influenced by two of my psychologist leaders: Dr. George Klum of the University of Virginia and Mary Ann McCabe of the National children's center in Washington DC. But I might never have gone into clinical psychology if I hadn't crossed paths with Dr. Elizabeth Altmeier while at the University of Florida.

And yet the most significant people Those who have influenced the evolution of the ideas in this book, the people to whom I am most indebted are all the children I have worked with and the parents who have trusted me to take care of them.

I would also like to express my gratitude to the countless fans of the method of joint problem solving, scattered around the world, who accepted it and, despite the prevailing prejudices, with all their energy and persistence insisted on using this method in schools, clinics and places of temporary isolation of children and adolescents. This world is full amazing people who are not indifferent to the fate of children. I am happy that fate pushed me: about many such people.

This is a book about children and families, and it would be remiss not to express gratitude here to my own family: my wife Melissa, my children Thalia and Jacob, who are helping me to preserve good location spirit, learn and make sure that I put into practice the principles that I profess. I almost forgot another member of the family: this is Sandy - a big black dog.

There are many explosive girls in the world, but for the sake of simplicity, the phenomenon described in this book is called general term male- "explosive child". The names of all the characters in this book are fictitious. All coincidences, as they say, are accidental.

Foreword

This is the third edition of Explosive Child Book 1. The new edition has been modified and supplemented to make it easier for readers to understand the concept outlined. Many things have happened since this book was first published in 1998. The approach described in the book is called “ Joint Problem Solving ”(PSA) 2. more parents, teachers and all other people who deal with explosive children were introduced to the PSA method, a non-profit organization was created - the Institute for Collaborative Problem Solving.

1 In the USA. (Approx, transl.)

2 Original - Collaborative problem Solving, CPS.(Approx. Transl.)

The third revised edition, like the two previous ones, is devoted to explosive children, i.e. children who often demonstrate unacceptable behavior - arrange long-term scandals, disobey, fall into physical or verbal (verbal) aggression. This makes their life, the life of parents, teachers, brothers and sisters, and anyone who interacts with explosive children, unbearable. Such children are defined in different ways: complex, defiant, stubborn, manipulative 1, selfish, spiteful, wayward, uncompromising, unmotivated. These children can be diagnosed with various psychiatric diagnoses, sometimes several at once, for example: oppositional defiant behavior disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, Tourette's syndrome, depression, bipolar disorder, inability to non-verbal learning (right hemispheric developmental disorder) , Asperger's syndrome, obsessive-compulsive syndrome 3. But the trouble is that no one understands the reasons for the specific behavior of such children. Both in science and in everyday life, the point of view that such behavior is a consequence of wrong upbringing... However, studies in recent decades suggest that the problem is much more complex than originally thought, and may arise under the influence of various factors... Over the past 20 years, we have learned a lot more about the psychology of the child, and it is finally time for practical application this knowledge.

1 Ie achieving their goals by manipulating other people. (Approx. Transl.)

2 Ie those who are neither encouraged nor punished to do what is right. (Approx. Transl.)

3 This is about American medicine. In Russia, the following diagnoses are made: ADHD - attention deficit hyperactivity disorder; Tourette's syndrome, Asperger's syndrome; psychopathy of the excitable type; depression; MMD - minimal cerebral dysfunction. Explanations for the medical diagnoses referred to hereinafter are given at the end of the book. (Approx. Transl.).

By the way, anyone who thinks that the title of this book only refers to "explosive children" is mistaken: the conversation will also go about those children who constantly cry or, on the contrary, withdraw into themselves.

The purpose of this publication (like the two previous ones) is to uncover the reasons for the behavior of explosive children. Only armed with the knowledge of the reasons, we can find a practical universal method which will help reduce the drama of the explosive child-adult relationship at school and at home.

Children have not changed much since the time I started working with the first explosive patient, but my own approach to them has changed, my point of view on the ways in which such a child, his parents and teachers can be helped. And the proposed new approach works much better than the traditional ones.

The only condition necessary for its implementation is the ability to think clearly and without bias.

For parents, there is nothing more surprising and more entertaining than watching their child learn new skills and cope with more and more complex problems on their own every month and year. First, he begins to crawl, then walk, and then run. Babble gradually turns into speech that is understandable to others. The smile grows into more subtle shapes human communication. The child memorizes letters, begins to read single words, sentences, paragraphs, books.

Equally surprising is the unevenness with which different skills develop in different children. Some find it easy to read, but have math problems. There are children who succeed in all sports, while others are given any sporting achievement with a noticeable effort. In some cases, the lag is due to a lack of practice (for example, Steve is unable to hit the ball correctly due to the fact that no one has ever shown him how to do it). But often difficulties in mastering a certain skill arise, despite the child's desire to achieve positive result, even after appropriate explanations and training. It’s not that children don’t want to master a particular skill, they simply don’t master it as quickly as expected. If a child's skills in some area are far behind the expected level of development, we try to help him. The baseball coach can show Steve how to hit the ball with the bat, and Ken's teacher can do extra reading with him after school.

Some children start reading late, others never achieve outstanding athletic performance. And there are children who are lagging behind in the field adaptability and self-control. It is about them that this book is written. Mastering these skills is essential to overall development child, since a harmonious existence is unthinkable without the ability to resolve emerging problems and settle disagreements with others, as well as to control oneself in a situation of emotional stress. In fact, it is difficult to imagine a situation that would not require flexibility, adaptability and self-control from the child. When children argue about what to play, adults hope that both children have problem-solving skills that will help them arrive at a mutually beneficial solution that works for both of them. If due to bad weather parents are forced to cancel the long-awaited trip to Luna Park, they hope that their child will be able to survive the disappointment without hysteria, agree with the change in plans and discuss Alternative option pastime. If the child is absorbed in a video game and it is time to set the table, parents hope that the child will be able to interrupt the game, deal with natural feelings of irritation, and realize that he can return to the game later. And if the child decided to eat three pancakes today and three more tomorrow, and his younger brother also wanted pancakes for breakfast, we hope that this child is able to move away from the black and white assessment of the situation ("these are the three pancakes that I was going to eat tomorrow, and I will not give them to anyone") and recognize intermediate shades in it ("I these pancakes are not needed ... I can ask my mother to buy more ... or maybe tomorrow I don’t want pancakes, but I want something else ”).

Often peculiar to the child maladaptivity and irritability are noticeable literally from the moment of birth. Infants with a heavy temper are more likely to suffer from colic, they do not have a regular feeding and sleep regimen, they have difficulty calming down, overreacting to noise, light and discomfort (hunger, cold, wet diaper etc.) and do not tolerate any changes well. Other children may have problems with adaptability and self-control later, when the world begins to demand from them the ability to use colloquial speech, self-organization, restraining one's impulses, emotional self-control and socialization skills.

It is important to understand that these children are not deliberately choose irascibility as a demeanor, in the same way that children do not choose deliberately reduced reading ability: such children simply lag behind the norm in the development of adaptability and self-control skills. Therefore, traditional explanations for the irascibility and disobedience of children, such as: "he does this to attract attention", "he just wants to get what he wants" or "when he needs to, he can behave perfectly", have nothing to do with reality ... There is a huge difference between looking at violent behavior as a result of developmental delays and blaming a child for intentional, knowing and purposeful bad behavior. And explaining the reasons for a child's behavior, in turn, is inextricably linked to the methods by which you try to change that behavior. In other words, your parenting strategy is determined by the explanation you choose.

It is extremely important topic needing discussion. If you consider the child's behavior intentional, conscious and purposeful, then such labels as "stubborn", "debater", "little dictator", "extortionist", "thirsty for attention", "absurd", "lover to command", "brawler" , "Off the chain", etc. will seem quite reasonable to you, and the use of popular strategies that force obedience and teach the child "who is in charge" will be an acceptable way to solve the problem. Is this how you explain your child's behavior? You are not alone in this. And you are not the only one who finds that such an explanation and the corresponding parenting strategy do not work.

I urge parents to abandon such views and think about an alternative explanation: your child is already aware of the need to behave well, and his tendency to constant scandals and tantrums reflects a kind of delay in development - one of many possible in the process of learning and mastering the world. - a delay in the development of adaptability and self-control skills. From this point of view, compulsion to obedience, additional motivation good behavior and explaining to the child “who is in charge” is meaningless and can lead to a negative result, since he is already motivated, realizes the role of good behavior and understands who is in charge. Is it possible to understand the true reasons for this behavior? Will we find correct words to describe the hardships these children have? Are there alternative parenting strategies that meet the needs of explosive children and their parents better than traditional ones? Yes, yes and yes again.

Let's start with the reasons for this behavior. The main idea of this book can be summed up like this:

children behave well if they can.

In other words, if your child could behave well, he would behave well. If he could take the restrictions imposed by adults and the demands of others calmly, he would do so. You already know why he cannot do this: because of the delay in development in the field of adaptability and self-control. Why did he have such a developmental delay? Most likely, the child lacks a number of specific skills, which are discussed in the next chapter. How can you help such a child? This is what the rest of the book is about.

The problem is that in dealing with explosive children, adults often adhere to a completely different philosophy: children behave well if they want to. Proponents of this view are convinced that children are quite capable of behaving in a more acceptable way, but they simply do not want to. Why don't they want this? A familiar explanation, common even among well-meaning specialist psychologists, is that parents of similar children- bad educators. But this point of view does not at all explain why the brothers and sisters of explosive children are great at behaving. But, as you might expect, these explanations and philosophies lead to parenting strategies that motivate children to behave well and help parents become more effective educators (usually through common reward and punishment methods). Why similar methods often unsuccessful, discussed in Chapter 5.

Let's move on to general description Problems. Rule number one: Don't overly believe that your psychiatric diagnosis will help you understand your explosive child. The diagnosis will not help to understand what impaired intellectual skills underlie his constant scandals and tantrums. The terms ADHD, bipolar disorder, or obsessive-compulsive disorder do not give us any information about the intellectual skills that a child does not have and that we adults need to help them acquire.

The following description is much more useful than any diagnosis, for it helps to understand what happens to the child (and sometimes to the adult) when he explodes:

an explosion (outburst of irritation), like any other form of maladaptive behavior, occurs when the demands placed on a person exceed his ability to adequately respond to them.

You will not find this description in the diagnostic manuals (which, I confess, does not bother me too much). In fact, it is good description the vast majority of non-adaptive forms of behavior inherent in humans. This is why people experience panic attacks. That is why Small child may refuse to sleep in their own bed. That is why the child can crawl under the table and curl up there in the fetal position. That is why the explosive kids this book is about explodes. Now it remains for us to find out what factors prevent your the child to achieve the level of adaptability and self-control that is required of him.

Such a response can be maddening, and usually it only intensifies the growing irritation in the parents. However, note that the child is most likely telling the truth. In an ideal world, a child would answer something like this: - You see, mom and dad, I have a problem. And you and many other people constantly tell me what I have to do, or ask me to switch from my way of thinking to yours, but I'm not very good at it. When asked to do this, I get annoyed. And when I'm annoyed, I can't think sanely, and that makes me even more annoyed. Then you start to get angry with me, and I start to do or say things that I would not like to do or say at all. As a result, you get angry with me even more and punish me, and then a complete mess begins. When the dust settles - well, you know, when the ability to think sanely returns to me - I am very ashamed of everything I did and said. I know what is happening is upsetting you, but believe me, it doesn’t make me happy either.

Alas, we do not live in an ideal world. Explosive children are rarely able to clearly describe their difficulties. Nevertheless, some children and adults find it quite available ways explain what happens to them at the moment of an explosion of emotions.

One of my young patients described the state of cerebral stupor at the moment of irritation as "brain closure." He explained that his brain was locked on an idea and he could not part with it, despite all the reasonable and reasonable attempts of others to help him. Another boy with great knowledge of computers said that he would like to have a Pentium processor in his brain so that he can think faster and more rationally in a state of irritation. Dr. Daniel Golman, in his book Emotional Intelligence, describes similar state as "hacking neurons". It is quite clear that in the midst of an explosion of emotions, "no one is at home." Therefore, our task is to prevent your child's brain from closing or hacking his neurons, to help him think clearly and rationally when he is at the peak of irritation, and to make sure that “someone is at home”.

In this chapter, many new ideas have been expressed that are worth considering. Here is a short list of them.

a) Adaptability and self-control are important developing skills that some children do not develop at a level appropriate for their age. A delay in the development of these skills leads to various deviations in behavior: sudden manifestations of irascibility, tantrums, physical and verbal aggression, which often become a reaction to the most innocent set of circumstances and have a traumatic, negative impact on the relationship of these children with parents, teachers, brothers, sisters and peers.

b) The strategy for helping the child depends on how and what words you explain his explosive behavior.

c) Rejection of traditional explanations means rejection of traditional methods education. You need new plan action. But there’s something else to figure out first.

Nothing depressing parents more than having a child with a chronic problem, the essence of which is not entirely clear. If your child has chronic stomach or headaches, severe eczema, shortness of breath, you want to know why! And if your child has chronic difficulties with self-control and adaptability, you also want to know why! Being terribly oppressed and confused because of the explosions of their child, parents often demand from him a logical explanation of his actions. But asking this question to a child is useless. Therefore, the dialogue often looks like this:

Parent:“We have said this a thousand times ... Why can't you do what they ask you to do? Why are you so angry?

"I do not know".

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Ross W. Green
Explosive child. A new approach to raising and understanding easily irritable, chronically intractable children

Dedicated to Irving A. Green

Anyone can get angry - it's easy ... but get angry with the right person,

for the right reason, for the right time, for the right reason

and properly is not easy.

Aristotle

If I am not for myself, who is for me? If I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, then when?

Hillel

Illusions are the truths by which we live until we grow wiser.

Nancy Gibbs

From the author

My thoughts on how to help explosive kids and their parents were influenced by my interactions with many parents, teachers and mentors of explosive kids. I was incredibly fortunate to be mentored in clinical psychology while at the University of Virginia, Dr. Thomas Ollendick. During my internship, I was greatly influenced by two of my psychologist leaders: Dr. George Klum of the University of Virginia and Mary Ann McCabe of the National Children's Center in Washington. But I might never have gone into clinical psychology if I hadn't crossed paths with Dr. Elizabeth Altmeier while at the University of Florida.

Still, the most significant people who influenced the evolution of the ideas outlined in this book, the people to whom I am most indebted, are all the children I have worked with and the parents who trusted me to take care of them.

I would also like to express my gratitude to the countless fans of the method of joint problem solving, scattered around the world, who accepted it and, despite the prevailing prejudices, with all their energy and persistence insisted on using this method in schools, clinics and places of temporary isolation of children and adolescents. This world is full of amazing people who are not indifferent to the fate of children. I am happy that fate has pitted me against many such people.

This is a book about children and families, and it would be a mistake not to express gratitude here to my own family: my wife Melissa, my children - Thalia and Jacob, who help me to maintain a good mood, learn and make sure that I put into practice those principles that I profess. I almost forgot another member of the family: this is Sandy - a big black dog.

There are many explosive girls in the world, but for the sake of simplicity, the phenomenon described in this book is referred to by the general masculine term - "explosive child." The names of all the characters in this book are fictitious. All coincidences, as they say, are accidental.

Foreword

This is the third edition of The Exploding Child. Changes and additions have been made to the new edition to make it easier for readers to understand the stated concept. Many things have happened since this book was first published in 1998. The approach described in the book is called Collaborative Problem Solving (CPR). In order for as many parents, teachers and all other people dealing with explosive children as possible to get acquainted with the PSA method, a non-profit organization was created - the Institute for Collaborative Problem Solving.

The third revised edition, like the two previous ones, is devoted to explosive children, that is, children who often demonstrate unacceptable behavior - arrange long scandals, disobey, fall into physical or verbal (verbal) aggression. This makes their life, the life of parents, teachers, brothers and sisters, and anyone who interacts with explosive children, unbearable. These children are defined in different ways: complex, defiant, stubborn, manipulative, selfish, spiteful, wayward, uncompromising, unmotivated. Such children may be diagnosed with various psychiatric diagnoses, sometimes several at once, for example: oppositional defiant behavior disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, Tourette's syndrome, depression, bipolar disorder, non-verbal learning disability (right-brain developmental disorder), syndrome Asperger's obsessive-compulsive syndrome 3 ... But the trouble is that no one understands the reasons for the specific behavior of such children.

Both in science and in everyday life, the point of view dominated for a long time that such behavior is the result of improper upbringing. However, studies in recent decades suggest that the problem is much more complex than originally thought, and may arise under the influence of various factors. Over the past years, we have learned much more about the psychology of the child, and it is finally time for the practical application of this knowledge. By the way, anyone who thinks that the title of this book only refers to "explosive children" is mistaken: the conversation will also go about those children who constantly cry or, on the contrary, withdraw into themselves.

The purpose of this publication (like the two previous ones) is to uncover the reasons for the behavior of explosive children. Armed with this knowledge of the causes, we can find a practical, universal method that can help reduce the drama of the explosive child-adult relationship at school and at home.

The only condition necessary for its implementation is the ability to think clearly and without bias.

1
Pancake case

- Don't give him pancakes! Jennifer yells, her face flushed with anger.

- Why? The mother asks, involuntarily raising her voice and getting irritated. She is unable to understand Jennifer's behavior.

- I'm going to eat these pancakes tomorrow! Jennifer squeals, jumping up from her chair. - And I'm not going to take them away from your brother! - shouts the mother in response.

- No, he won't get them! - continues to yell Jennifer, standing face to face with her mother.

Remembering that at such moments Jennifer is capable of both street swearing and physical aggression, his mother desperately asks Adam if he would agree to something other than pancakes.

“But I want pancakes,” Adam whines, hiding behind Mom's back.

Jennifer's family members have gone through thousands of similar situations. Often these explosions are longer and more intense and contain more physical or verbal aggression (when Jennifer was eight years old, she kicked out the windshield of the family car). Doctors gave Jennifer a wide variety of diagnoses, including oppositional defiant behavior disorder, bipolar disorder, and intermittent explosive disorder. But none of these labels give the girl's parents a comprehensive explanation of the constant scandals and tensions that Jennifer's behavior causes.

Her mother, brother and sister live in constant fear. Jennifer's extreme irascibility and lack of adaptability in her character make the girl's parents live in constant tension and require great efforts from them. Because of this, they are unable to pay enough attention to Jennifer's brother and sister. Parents often argue about how to deal with their daughter's behavior, and both admit that living with Jennifer is a major challenge for their marriage. Although Jennifer's intellectual development is above average, she has no close friends. Children are frightened off by the girl's intolerance and her unwillingness to make concessions.

Jennifer's parents consulted a myriad of professionals. Typically, they were advised to set stricter limits and more aggressively to correct their daughter's behavior, and were also recommended various methods of reward and punishment, mainly using a system of reward points and sending to the corner. When it became clear that these methods were not working, drug treatment was tried - countless combinations of different drugs, which also did not give noticeable results. After eight years of listening to advice, imposing strict limits, using drugs and incentivizing programs, Jennifer's behavior has not changed much compared to what was observed in her preschool age, when parents first noticed that something was wrong with their daughter.

“Most people don't even know how humiliating it is to be afraid of your own daughter,” Jennifer's mother once admitted. - Parents who have not had a chance to encounter this in their own family have no idea what it is like. Believe me, that's not what I dreamed about when I was going to have children. Our life has turned into a complete nightmare.

“You have no idea what shame it seizes when something like this happens to Jennifer in front of strangers,” continues the mother. - Every time I want to explain that I have two more children who never allow themselves anything like this, and that in fact I am a good mother!

- I know what others think: “What kind of inept parents ... this girl must be kept in tight hands”. Trust us, we have tried every possible remedy. But no one was able to explain to us how to help her. no one could explain what was wrong with her!

“I hate what I've become. I have always considered myself a gentle, patient, kind person and did not even suspect in myself the ability to do such actions, which are pushed me by communication with Jennifer. I was emotionally exhausted. I can't live like this anymore.

- I know quite a few parents who have difficult children. you know what hyperactive kids are, or kids who find it difficult to concentrate. I would give my left hand for a child who is just hyperactive or having trouble concentrating! Jennifer is of a completely different type, and therefore I feel very lonely.

In fact, Jennifer's mom is not alone: there are many such Jennifers. Their parents often find that parenting strategies that are effective for other children - explanations, arguments, moral support, caring, attention-shifting, neglect, reward, and punishment - do not produce tangible results with their children. Even the medications that are usually prescribed for these children do not lead to noticeable improvements.

In addition to those mentioned above, there are a number of diagnoses that are usually given to such children. These include, but are not limited to, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), depression, Tourette's syndrome, anxiety disorders (including obsessive-compulsive disorder), speech disorders, impaired sensory synthesis, non-verbal learning disabilities, reactive attachment disorder and syndrome Asperger's. These children are also often said to be simply tough. Regardless of how this phenomenon is labeled, children like Jennifer's are united by a number of distinctive characteristics, which primarily include extreme maladaptivity and an almost complete lack of self-control in situations of emotional stress. These properties significantly complicate the life of both the children themselves and those around them who are forced to communicate with them. These children find it incredibly difficult to think sanely in situations of emotional stress. Even simple changes in the environment and requests from others can cause them to have an acute tense reaction, physical and verbal aggression. For the sake of simplicity, I will refer to these children as "explosive" below, although the method described in this book is also applicable to children who withdraw into themselves and avoid communication with others due to problems with flexibility and emotional self-control.

How do explosive kids differ from their peers? Let's consider a common everyday situation. Imagine that child number 1, Hubert, is watching TV and his mother asks him to set the table. Hubert switches with relative ease from his own plans (watching TV) to his mother's demands (setting the table). Therefore, in response to: “Hubert, please turn off the TV and set the table for dinner,” he will most likely answer: “Okay, Mom, I'm coming” - and soon after that he will really set the table.

Child number 2, Jermaine, is a more complex case. It is not so easy for him to switch from fulfilling his plans to fulfilling the requirements of his mother, but still he is able to cope with irritation and move from one action to another (often after a threat from his parents). Thus, in response to the request: "Jermain, please turn off the TV and set the table for dinner," at first he can shout out: "Leave me alone, I don't want to!" or start whining "You always make me help just when my favorite show is on." But after some extra effort on the part of the mother (“Jermaine, if you don’t turn off the TV and set the table immediately, you’ll go to the corner”), these children are also able to switch.

Finally, let's consider a situation involving Jennifer, child number 3. In an explosive child, switching between different activities, the transition from fulfilling their plans to fulfilling the mother's request, often causes rapidly increasing, intense and overwhelming irritation. Such children are not able to switch, and in response to: "Jennifer, please turn off the TV and set the table for dinner" they often explode instantly (even despite the threat from their parents), and it is impossible to predict what they will say or do.

But explosive kids are also very, very different. Some lose their temper dozens of times a day, while others only a few times a week. Sometimes this happens only at home or only at school, and sometimes at home and at school. Some raise their voices, start screaming, but do not resort to swearing, verbal or physical aggression. One such boy, Richard, a cheerful and affable 14-year-old diagnosed with ADHD, burst into tears when we first met when I asked him if he wanted to learn how to deal with his annoyance in order to improve family relationships. Other explosive children scream and swear, but do not resort to physical aggression. For example, Jack, a lovable, developed, but susceptible to fits of bad mood, a 10-year-old boy diagnosed with ADHD and Tourette's syndrome, regularly demonstrated a lack of adaptive skills and fell into hysterics on the most insignificant reasons, and his cursing and screaming in fits of irritation provoked similar reactions from his parents. But there are also children who demonstrate the whole range of negative reactions. For example, Marvin, a smart, active, impulsive and irritable 8-year-old boy with Tourette's syndrome, depression and ADHD, reacts incredibly intensely to unforeseen changes in the environment (sometimes his reaction turned into physical aggression). On one occasion, Marvin's father accidentally turned off the lights in the room where Marvin was playing a video game, leading to an hour-long scandal of truly epic proportions.

As you read this book, you will realize that there are wonderful qualities in the character of such children, and these children have great potential. In most cases, their general intellectual development is at the normal level. But the lack of adaptability and emotional self-control skills overshadows their positive qualities and causes unthinkable pain for both children and their loved ones. I do not know of any other category of children whose true reasons for their actions would be interpreted so wrongly. Usually, the parents of these children are caring, friendly people with deep feelings of guilt for not being able to help their children.

- You know, - says Jennifer's mother, - every time hope is reborn in me ... every time communication with Jennifer evokes positive emotions ... I look to the future with optimism and love for her awakens in me. and then everything collapses again due to another scandal. I am ashamed to admit it, but most of the time I find it difficult to treat her with love and tenderness, and I do not at all like what she turns our family into. We live in a situation of constant crisis.

Children like Jennifer's are undoubtedly different from everyone else. Recognition of this fact is a difficult and painful test for parents and all those on whose shoulders the care of such children falls. But this does not mean the collapse of all hopes. It's just that parents, teachers, relatives and professionals working with such children need to realize another fact: explosive children often require a special approach in the field of discipline and restrictions, and this approach is different from the generally accepted one.

For proper interaction with explosive children, first of all, a clear understanding of the reasons for such behavior is necessary. Effective coping strategies naturally flow from understanding the causes of the child's peculiar behavior. In some cases, understanding the motivations for such behavior itself leads to better relationships between children and adults, even without the use of special strategies. The first chapters of this book will help the reader understand why it is so difficult for explosive children to adapt to changes in the environment and the demands of others, why they are so irritable and prone to unpredictable tantrums. Along the way, we will find out why the popular methods used to communicate with difficult children often do not live up to expectations. In the chapters that follow, you will read about alternative strategies that I have successfully used over the years with children, their families and teachers.

2
Children behave well if they can

For parents, there is nothing more surprising and more entertaining than watching their child learn new skills and cope with more and more complex problems on their own every month and year. First, he begins to crawl, then walk, and then run. Babble gradually turns into speech that is understandable to others. The smile develops into more subtle forms of human communication. The child memorizes letters, begins to read individual words, sentences, paragraphs, books.

Equally surprising is the unevenness with which different skills develop in different children. Some find it easy to read, but have math problems. There are children who succeed in all sports, while others are given any sporting achievement with a noticeable effort. In some cases, the lag is due to a lack of practice (for example, Steve is unable to hit the ball correctly due to the fact that no one has ever shown him how to do it). But often difficulties in mastering a certain skill arise, despite the child's desire to achieve a positive result, even after appropriate explanations and training. It’s not that children don’t want to master a particular skill, they simply don’t master it as quickly as expected. If a child's skills in some area are far behind the expected level of development, we try to help him. The baseball coach can show Steve how to hit the ball with the bat, and Ken's teacher can do extra reading with him after school.

Some children start reading late, others never achieve outstanding athletic performance. And there are children who are lagging behind in the field adaptability and self-control. It is about them that this book is written. Mastering these skills is extremely important for the general development of the child, since a harmonious existence is unthinkable without the ability to resolve emerging problems and settle disagreements with others, as well as to control oneself in situations of emotional stress. In fact, it is difficult to imagine a situation that would not require flexibility, adaptability and self-control from the child. When children argue about what to play, adults hope that both children have problem-solving skills that will help them arrive at a mutually beneficial solution that works for both of them. If, due to bad weather, parents are forced to cancel a long-awaited trip to Luna Park, they hope that their child will be able to survive the disappointment without hysteria, agree with the change in plans and discuss an alternative pastime. If the child is absorbed in a video game and it is time to set the table, parents hope that the child will be able to interrupt the game, deal with natural feelings of irritation, and realize that he can return to the game later. And if a child decided to eat three pancakes today and three more tomorrow, and his younger brother also wanted pancakes for breakfast, we hope that this child is able to move away from a black and white assessment of the situation (“these are the three pancakes that I was going to eat tomorrow, and I won’t give them to anyone ”) and recognize intermediate shades in it (“ I don’t need these particular pancakes… I can ask my mother to buy more… or maybe tomorrow I don’t want pancakes, but I want something else ”).

Often a child's maladaptivity and irritability are noticeable literally from the moment of birth. Infants with a heavy temper are more likely to suffer from colic, they do not have a regular feeding and sleep regimen, they find it difficult to calm down, overreact to noise, light and discomfort (hunger, cold, wet diaper, etc.) and do not tolerate any changes. Other children may have problems with adaptability and self-control later, when the world around them begins to demand from them the ability to use spoken language, self-organization, restraining their impulses, emotional self-control and socialization skills.

It is important to understand that these children are not deliberately choose irascibility as a demeanor, in the same way that children do not choose deliberately reduced reading ability: such children simply lag behind the norm in the development of adaptability and self-control skills. Therefore, traditional explanations for the irascibility and disobedience of children, such as: "he does this to attract attention", "he just wants to get what he wants" or "when he needs to, he can behave perfectly", have nothing to do with reality ... There is a huge difference between looking at violent behavior as a result of developmental delays and blaming a child for intentional, knowing and purposeful misbehavior. And explaining the reasons for a child's behavior, in turn, is inextricably linked to the methods by which you try to change that behavior. In other words, your parenting strategy is determined by the explanation you choose.

This is an extremely important topic that needs to be discussed. If you consider the child's behavior intentional, conscious and purposeful, then such labels as "stubborn", "debater", "little dictator", "extortionist", "thirsty for attention", "absurd", "lover to command", "brawler" , “Off the chain”, etc. will seem quite reasonable to you, and the use of popular strategies forcing obedience and explaining to the child “who is in charge” will become an acceptable way to solve the problem. Is this how you explain your child's behavior? You are not alone in this. And you are not the only one who finds that such an explanation and the corresponding parenting strategy do not work.

I urge parents to abandon such views and think about an alternative explanation: your child is already aware of the need to behave well, and his tendency to constant scandals and tantrums reflects a kind of delay in development - one of many possible in the process of learning and mastering the world. - a delay in the development of adaptability and self-control skills. From this point of view, compulsion to obedience, additional motivation for good behavior and explaining to the child “who is in charge” are meaningless and can lead to negative result, since he is already motivated, realizes the role of good behavior and understands who is in charge in the house.

Is it possible to understand the true reasons for this behavior? Can we find the right words to describe the hardships these children face? Are there alternative parenting strategies that meet the needs of explosive children and their parents better than traditional ones?

Yes, yes and yes again.

Let's start with the reasons for this behavior. The main idea of this book can be summed up like this:

children behave well if they can.

The problem is that in dealing with explosive children, adults often adhere to a completely different philosophy: children behave well if they want to. Proponents of this view are convinced that children are quite capable of behaving in a more acceptable way, but they simply do not want to. Why don't they want this? A familiar explanation, common even among well-meaning psychologists, is that the parents of such children are poor educators. But this point of view does not at all explain why the brothers and sisters of explosive children are great at behaving. But, as you might expect, these explanations and philosophies lead to parenting strategies that motivate children to behave well and help parents become more effective educators (usually through common reward and punishment methods). Why these methods often fail is discussed in Chapter 5.

Let's move on to a general description of the problem. Rule number one: Don't overly believe that your psychiatric diagnosis will help you understand your explosive child. The diagnosis will not help to understand what impaired intellectual skills underlie his constant scandals and tantrums. The terms ADHD, bipolar disorder, or obsessive-compulsive disorder do not give us any information about the intellectual skills that a child does not have and that we adults need to help them acquire.

The following description is much more useful than any diagnosis, for it helps to understand what happens to the child (and sometimes to the adult) when he explodes:

an explosion (outburst of irritation), like any other form of maladaptive behavior, occurs when the demands placed on a person exceed his ability to adequately respond to them.

You will not find this description in the diagnostic manuals (which, I confess, does not bother me too much). In fact, this is a good description of the vast majority of maladaptive behaviors in humans. This is why people experience panic attacks. This is why a small child may refuse to sleep in their own bed. That is why the child can crawl under the table and curl up there in the fetal position. That is why the explosive kids this book is about explodes. Now it remains for us to find out what factors prevent your the child to achieve the level of adaptability and self-control that is required of him.

Parent: “We have said this a thousand times ... Why can't you do what they ask you to do? Why are you so angry?

Explosive child: "I do not know".

Dedicated to Irving A. Green

Anyone can get angry - it's easy ... but get angry with the right person,

for the right reason, for the right time, for the right reason

and properly is not easy.

Aristotle

If I am not for myself, who is for me? If I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, then when?