Most often, love and jealousy go hand in hand in life and come to a person at the same time. Jealousy is one of the most powerful emotions, having enormous destructive power. Many women are sure that jealousy is a kind of measure of love, and if it is absent, then the partner is indifferent and indifferent to them. Therefore, women sometimes strive to deliberately arouse jealousy in a man in order to once again be convinced of his boundless love for them. Jealousy is, first of all, the fear of losing a loved one, and not a manifestation of love for him. Attacks of jealousy can be caused by lack of confidence in your ability to keep your partner or win the fight for her love. Your partner cannot, no matter how hard she tries, give you a personal sense of self-confidence. If you are susceptible to this painful feeling - jealousy, then it would be better to pay attention to yourself, understand your psychological problems, and maybe even work on yourself to get rid of jealousy.

You yourself will have to determine whether your jealousy is justified. The first signs appear when your partner changes her behavior pattern. Her life was orderly and even routine, and suddenly dramatic changes are revealed, and in a short time. Evidence of this begins to accumulate every day, and, in the end, you come to the full certainty that “not all is calm in Danish kingdom" In such a situation, an outburst of jealousy will not look stupid; rather, it will become a signal of your concern about what is happening.

If your partner openly flirts with another man in front of your eyes, then in this case your jealousy will also be completely justified, and you have every right to reproach her for this, since such behavior speaks of bad upbringing. But it happens that a woman just wanted to test your feelings for her, and did not have bad intentions. In this case, your jealousy will play a positive role in strengthening the relationship.

If your jealousy is akin to paranoia, and is based only on invented “facts,” then this is unreasonable. Constant suspicions and inquiries into how your partner spent her time without you will be offensive to her and will lead to negative consequences for your relationship.

You shouldn’t be jealous of your woman for her old acquaintances, because she chose you, which means that relationship has already ended.

What kind of jealousy is there?

Common jealousy.

This is the most selfish jealousy of all. It manifests itself as follows: if your beloved woman is not with you at the moment, you begin to invent mythical betrayals, you imagine that she is betraying you, that she is acting meanly towards you. And if she works every day in the office, or spends time with friends without you, then your fantasy can take you into such dark jungles and screw you up to such a limit that by the time your partner returns home, you will no longer be able to restrain yourself, and this will cause quarrels and mutual reproaches. Such jealousy has only one basis - the absence of a loved one nearby, but such a basis cannot be considered real. Love is trust in your partner, respect for her personal life. If you value your relationship, you should learn to let her go, recognize her right to her own tastes and opinions, interests and habits. You shouldn’t limit her circle of communication only to you.

Jealousy from self-doubt.

Almost every person has at least some kind of complex. But when there are a huge number of them (existing or contrived), then such a state is fertile ground for the emergence of jealousy. We tend to exaggerate the merits of our chosen one, for us he is almost a king and God, but at the same time we consider ourselves a gray mouse, unworthy even of his little finger. But it’s worth remembering that you were loved exactly as you are, so such thoughts and comparisons are, to say the least, stupid and completely unfounded. If you persist in your beliefs, then over time, your chosen one will agree with you. Therefore, it is better to immediately drive away heavy thoughts from yourself and enjoy every moment you spend with your beloved.

Manipulative jealousy.

Most often, jealousy has no basis. And it can be regarded as a desire to manipulate your partner. You can always find a reason. Came home from work later than usual - jealousy, wanted to go somewhere with friends - jealousy, and so on. And as a result - resentment, pouting lips and silence for weeks. Of course, a loved one will feel guilty at the same time, will try to make amends for his guilt, begins to shower him with gifts, compensating for the lack of attention, which ultimately “forces” us to thaw and forgive. In this case, jealousy is a lever for manipulating a partner, because by being offended, we force our loved one to take possible and impossible actions in order to correct the mistake.

Pathological jealousy.

There is also such jealousy. There are people for whom it is an integral part of their lives, they are jealous of every pillar, thereby poisoning the life not only of themselves, but also of their loved one. Such pathological jealous people see everything as a threat to their happiness. It is very difficult to cope with such a manifestation of jealousy; the only way out here may be persistent and long-term work on oneself. If your partner really loves you, she will try to help you, show attention, love, care, so that you can throw terrible thoughts out of your head forever.

The recipe is simple: love, be loved and then you will never have a reason to be jealous.

Types of men who should make their woman jealous.

Do you feel like men periodically circle around your beloved, undressing her with their gaze, giving her backhanded compliments? Don’t rush to grab a gun or throw tantrums like: “Don’t let anyone get you!” Not everyone unknown men from her environment pose a danger to your relationship. We will introduce you to a list of potentially dangerous male representatives that can threaten your happiness.

Her ex-man.

Who is he to her? Just a man with whom your woman previously visited a restaurant, went to a movie theater for “kissing spots.” But all this has long and firmly remained in the past, and now they are connected only by friendly relations. However, the past is not so easy to erase, because there was a time when they slept in the same bed.

Should you be jealous? Most likely yes. People often enjoy plunging into a past life. If a situation arises when your beloved woman wants to drink a glass of wine with her ex over a heart-to-heart conversation, then it is unlikely that they will avoid sweet memories, forgotten intimate moments of their connection. Again, alcohol makes a person liberated, and with a person with whom something intimate is connected, it is easier to discuss any topic. But there is no need to sound the alarm without being sure that you are being cheated on.

Her childhood friend.

Who is he to her? This man has a lot in common with your woman: school years or students. They have known each other for almost a million years, meeting, hugging and swearing eternal friendship to each other.

Should you be jealous? Not worth it. They had everything in common: the sandbox, school evenings, construction teams, exams, but there was no intimacy. Once upon a time, one of them decided that friendship was preferable to other close relationships, which means this can never happen. Therefore, you should not ring the bells ahead of time until you notice obvious signs feelings that flared up between them.

Her new friend.

Who is he to her? This type of man likes to make new acquaintances with strange women at exhibitions or cutting and sewing courses. You notice that this art lover or tailor has suddenly become a big part of her (and therefore your) life, and moreover, every day he is increasingly looking for a reason to meet her.

Should you be jealous? This man is cunning. You should pay close attention to how often he touches her while chatting her up about some topic, whether he likes to flirt, and whether he looks like an experienced womanizer. If they have only known each other for a short time and are already secluded for several hours, it’s time to take measures to prevent trouble from happening.

Her colleague.

Who is he to her? He spends a lot of time with her, they drink coffee together during lunch breaks, and he helps her with her work. They have long gone beyond just a working relationship; they are a team of like-minded people. And this is already a huge difference.

Should you be jealous? Probably yes. They practically spend the whole day together and get along well with each other. However, you should not be jealous of your woman for every colleague, not excluding the office security guard or the director’s driver. Pay attention to how often and how long she stays at work, and only after that draw conclusions and make a decision.

Her friend is gay.

Who is he to her? Just an effeminate man, a kind of girlfriend, with whom your woman likes to chat or go shopping.

Should you be jealous? Not worth it if you are sure of his orientation. Therefore, it is worth pushing aside jealousy and trying to make friends with him.

Her mentor.

Who is he to her? This man has vast experience, for example, he understands the intricacies of Feng Shui. And this type invites your woman into his home to demonstrate where the bed should be in the bedroom or what color it is better to buy bed linen.

Should you be jealous? In this case, everything is possible. What if your beloved really thinks that he is interested in her talent and her abilities. Try to open her eyes to the true state of things in order to kill the illusions that lead to a trap.

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Of course, you have often heard that there is only one step from love to hate. And often this step is jealousy. How is it to love and hate at the same time? Jealousy is an emotion that carries a negative connotation, a feeling of fear, anxiety and uncertainty. Types in our material.

Jealousy is often defined as a defensive reaction to a possible threat to the relationship that arises from a situation involving one of the partners and/or another person and that is contrary to the jealous person's views on the relationship.

Jealousy is an explosive mixture of sadness, anger, disgust and resentment. This emotion is so strong that it can destroy even the most ideal relationship and cause emotional stress on both parties.

In addition, envy is formulated as a synonym for jealousy. If you look closely at this issue, you can understand that envy is, in fact, one of the manifestations of this feeling.

In some cases, jealousy can cause murder or suicide.

This is one of the common human emotions that affects people regardless of gender and age.

Moreover, even 6-month-old babies can experience jealousy for the first time. Let's try to differentiate this feeling by determining the possible circumstances of its manifestation.

According to a study conducted in 1989 by Paul Mullen and Gregory White, jealousy can be divided into three classes, namely:

• Pathological jealousy is usually woven from sensory experiences and personal disorders, experiences that affect relationships and affect the issue of self-esteem.

• Normal jealousy - occurs due to psychological problems and mental sensitivity. This is the most common type of jealousy.

• Symptomatic jealousy - the reason for its occurrence lies in problems with nervous system, it could be paranoid disorders and organic disorders brain

Common Types of Jealousy

The five main types of jealousy are the most frequently discussed. Let's look at them in detail for reference:

Jealousy from romantic feelings

This is the most common and frequently encountered type. As a rule, romantic jealousy becomes the first stormy showdown, a quarrel within a couple. And in most cases, the main reason is the fear of emotional infidelity.

If there are back-and-forth actions and manifestations in relationships between loving people, then there is a sense of security in the minds of the partners.

However, if the relationship creates a feeling of insecurity and vulnerability, then the feeling of fear of possible loss or breakup becomes fertile ground for the germs of jealousy.

This is why people feel intense jealousy whenever a new and attractive person comes into contact with their partner.

Jealousy in the workplace

The manifestation of this feeling is also observed between colleagues and subordinates in the workplace. The reason for its occurrence may be a lack of appreciation for the work performed and at the same time highlighting the merits of another employee.

Often, feelings of jealousy and resentment arise between colleagues who have similar work profiles when one receives a promotion or reward.

Platonic jealousy

This type of jealousy is often mistaken for romantic jealousy, but we must remember that there is a fine line of difference between the two. This feeling manifests itself most often in friendship, when one of the parties loses a friend because of a more interesting and friendly person.

The emotional attachment to another person can be so strong that you cannot imagine their relationship with people.

In addition, platonic jealousy often causes a “love triangle” to arise, when, for example, two girls try to win the heart of one boy or two boys try to attract the attention of one girl.

Jealousy among siblings

Rivalry between children occurs in families around the world. Among several children in a family, there is always a feeling of general competition for the opportunity to be the most beloved child of the parents.

Jealousy can manifest itself at the birth of a new child, with whom you have to share your favorite toys, clothes and love of other family members, when parents allow themselves negative comparisons between children (which is unacceptable, even if one baby is smarter and more talented than the other).

Abnormal jealousy

This is an unreasonable type of jealousy. Her attacks occur based on psychological problems such as delusions, paranoia, schizophrenia, etc.

In some extreme cases, abnormal feelings of jealousy are a reflection of immaturity and personality instability. Such people tend to believe that their family members, friends, and partners are cheating on them.

There is a constant fear that others are talking, laughing and discussing them behind their back. Such people, as a rule, constantly monitor their partner’s acquaintances, correspondence and telephone calls.

With the exception of some psychological manifestations, for example, abnormal jealousy, outbursts of these emotions can be learned to be controlled. This will require full support from loved ones.

The person himself must learn to realize the existence of a problem, no matter what types of jealousy torment him, and learn to manage the feeling of jealousy.

Understand that each person is unique and therefore it is impossible to make comparisons between several people.

If there is some irrational fear and a display of excessive possessiveness in a relationship, then it can be managed with the help of gentle assurances of love and understanding from loved ones.

Jealousy of brother or sister may be triggered by discrimination from parents or due to a feeling of insecurity.

In this case, parents are advised to deal with the problem in a positive manner as soon as it is discovered, as childhood jealousy can have serious consequences and lead to rifts and tensions in sibling relationships throughout life.

Are you still shedding tears about your fate and continue to be jealous of others?

Love yourself and be confident in your capabilities. To prevent any types of jealousy from ruining your life, do something qualitatively better by getting rid of the feeling of jealousy once and for all!

Linguists note the idea of ​​jealousy as an ambivalent emotion, the semantic features of which are the polar signs “love” (“care”) - “hate” (“doubt”, “distrust”). Jealousy destroys love.

It in most cases represents an exclusive claim to “ownership” of another person with whom there is an emotional connection. Jealousy arises when this claim is imaginary or actually called into question by this person, which causes a strong, sometimes irrational fear of losing him. The feeling that someone else is taking away what we think is our right and privilege - the love of someone important to us - can be barely bearable and lead us into a state of anger, rage, resentment, push us to the most unreasonable and inappropriate actions. Jealousy can prompt a person to take drastic, including violent, actions, including suicide or murder.

A child becomes jealous when it seems to him that his parents are paying more attention to his brothers or sisters. At the same time, he can plunge into infancy, i.e. He urinates more often. Sibling jealousy is widespread (“Mom, I don’t want you to give birth to a brother/sister”), but over time it can transform into protective care for the younger ones and acceptance of their own relationship with their mother. In adults, the cause of jealousy may be, for example, a too warm conversation with another person, which may be perceived as a danger to one’s own relationship with him. While children’s jealousy tends to disappear when it receives a certain amount of parental attention, a jealous partner requires unlimited, exclusive attention.”

1. JEALOUSY OF FRAGILE SELF-ESTEEM. The most common type. This jealousy represents the fear of destroying fragile self-esteem. A jealous person has felt humiliated since childhood and, at the cost of enormous efforts, was able to form a fragile self-respect. He guards it with incredible vigilance. He is deeply concerned that he turned out to be worse than someone to whom his passion gave preference. In this case, the jealous person doesn’t really care about his partner; simply by giving preference to another, she, as it were, creates a situation of comparison and loss.

The biggest trauma in such cases is the fact that betrayal spoils the reputation of the jealous person. In the eyes of the public, he becomes the one “from whom so-and-so left.”

Jealousy is expressed in such cases in the form of verbal streams of dirt poured out on the cheater/cheater. Jealous people of this type, as a rule, cheat on their partners and do not see anything reprehensible in this: “Well, I’m a different matter!”

2.POWERY JEALOUSY.
The second type of jealousy is the jealousy of the owner. In this case, the jealous person uses his partner as a pet or a favorite thing.

Pets give warmth and affection, favorite things through the mechanism of a conditioned reflex cause pleasant sensations: looked - the eye rejoices. In this case, jealousy is experienced as anger at someone who wants to take away a favorite toy. During the disassembly process, a favorite toy is usually hopelessly damaged and thrown away as unnecessary.

This jealousy is fueled by the possessive instinct of the hamster and social ideas of possession - “a real man should have a woman who is a diamond”; “Oh, what a woman, what a woman - I wish I had one like that”
Jealousy in such cases is expressed in the form of physical aggression. First in the form of beatings, first to the one who “took it away”, and then in the form of destroying the “favorite toy” so that no one gets it. In cases of particular cowardice, the jealous person limits himself to damaging the object of his former possession. The main motive for aggression in such cases is revenge: “It would be better if you died, because I loved you...” (c)

3. JEALOUSY OF AN Abandoned CHILD.
This type of jealousy is characteristic of those people who, in childhood, were deprived of parental attention in favor of someone else - a brother, sister, a new lover or mother's husband, a father's new wife, in favor of an alcoholic father, etc. This is not jealousy in its pure form, but a constant fear of losing a loved one.

Unlike previous types of jealousy, it temporarily calms down in the event of manifestations of love and devotion from a partner. In these cases, the jealous person is not worried about the fact of betrayal itself, but about the possible abandonment, severance of affection.

Such jealous people often agree to share their chosen one if there is a guarantee that he will not leave the jealous person. This is often disguised as forgiveness or acceptance. It differs from real forgiveness in that the jealous person cannot forget the betrayal, periodically reproaches the partner in a veiled manner and experiences bouts of separation anxiety.

4. HOMOSEXUAL JEALOUSY.
This type of jealousy was described by S. Freud. He discovered that some jealous people suppress their homosexual fantasies and, in order not to accept these impulses, substitute their chosen one instead of themselves in their fantasies. Thus, identifying themselves with their chosen one having sex with another man, they experience a kind of homosexual satisfaction.

5. JEALOUSY OF THE MORALIZER.
This is the jealousy of a person who really wants to cheat on his partner/partner or even indulge in promiscuity, but does not allow himself to do so or condemns himself for it. Then, instead of sorting out his desires, he projects them onto his partner.

This type of jealousy is fueled by sexual attraction and the desire for adventure. It is expressed, as a rule, in moralizing, condemnation and one’s own betrayals disguised as revenge on a partner.

The problem with jealousy is that it is a completely egoistic experience and as a result of this, people, as a rule, do not want to get rid of it, no matter how much suffering it costs them. It is extremely difficult to part with jealousy, more difficult than to part with alcohol or drugs, because jealousy is perceived as a natural manifestation of personality, and an offer to abandon it is perceived as humiliation and deception.

6. SADISTIC JEALOUSY.
It is often combined with alcoholism or a serious mental disorder. This jealousy is fueled by sadistic impulses. Paranoids and sadists have a tendency to completely suppress their chosen one, seizing control over all her manifestations.

Social beliefs and norms often support such behavior, declaring it a manifestation of a “real man”, “order in the family”. If a woman shows jealousy, then this behavior is also approved - “She does not miss her happiness”, “A real housewife”, etc.

As a rule, those who agree to such complete submission are people who deeply and irrevocably do not respect and love themselves. As a result, they cannot truly love and respect their chosen one. In such cases, love and respect are replaced by loyalty and obedience, full control. It starts with light forms.

7.DELUSIONAL JEALOUSY.
It grows on the basis of any of the listed types of jealousy in any combination. In order for delusional jealousy to arise, the ground must already be prepared in the form of a mental disorder. It differs in that no experience of reality can make a jealous person doubt his beliefs. Delusional jealousy does not immediately appear in all its glory. At first she seems normal. Delusional jealousy has stages.

The first stage is that the jealous person relishes suspicion. The process of checking his suspicions is the most exciting thing in life for him. He gets rewarded anyway. If the suspicions are unfounded, the jealous person experiences a release of tension: “well, okay, this time everything worked out”; if suspicions are not refuted - “well, I knew it, I’m right!”

The second stage begins when the jealous person stops receiving the pleasure that the usual “dose” of suspicion and shaking his partner’s nerves previously gave him. The number of suspicions begins to grow. And the reasons are becoming more and more far-fetched.

The third stage of the development of delusional jealousy is that evidence of a partner’s fidelity ceases to bring relief; a person experiences relief only when his suspicions are confirmed. The lack of evidence of a partner’s betrayal causes even more tension and anger in the jealous person at the third stage; he is convinced that the partner is “fooling his head.”

The fourth stage is the transition to the direct implementation of sadistic impulses, bypassing the stages of searching for evidence of infidelity. Jealousy at this stage turns into ritual sayings with which the sadist verbally accompanies acts of violence.

The most important experience in the case of delusional jealousy is the feeling of being right. Feeling right is a universal drug. The fact is that the feeling of being right stimulates the release of one of the most important neurotransmitters - dopamine, which is a kind of reward for actions and states that gave rise to a feeling of being right.

This type of jealousy is also expressed in physical violence, but unlike the jealousy of the owner, the violence here continues for a long time and is motivated not by revenge, but by the pleasure of power over another person.

AND THE ETERNAL RUSSIAN QUESTION: “WHAT TO DO?”
In short, jealousy can hardly be treated with gentle means. If you are a jealous person yourself, then imagine that you have a magic pill that will once and for all take away your feelings of jealousy, just like radioactive iodine burns out a diseased thyroid gland. And think very carefully - will you take this pill? If not, you cannot be helped, you chose your own torment, so suffer as much as you like. If yes, then analyze the true motives of your jealousy and eliminate the reason that creates jealousy within you. Hints above.

If you come across a jealous person, then you should take action at the first glimpses of jealousy and in the most decisive way show a clear attitude towards jealousy as a very dangerous disease. If at the first manifestations of jealousy you show even a shadow of confusion or guilt, or begin to make excuses or prove something, you are all caught. If jealousy is not suppressed in the bud, then it is very difficult to do anything about it. It is better to end the relationship and not suffer, unless you have a strong masochistic pleasure in sacrificing yourself.

Love is the great adornment of human life. She ennobles people and is, or at least should be moral basis marriage. Unfortunately, this bright feeling is often overshadowed by the manifestation of distrust of a loved one - jealousy .

They say that there is nothing more offensive in love than causeless jealousy. It is no coincidence that Voltaire noted that “violent jealousy commits more crimes than self-interest and ambition.” “A monster with green eyes, mocking its prey,” is how William Shakespeare described jealousy. D. Bruno held similar views on jealousy, who believed that “jealousy sometimes is not only the death and destruction of the lover, but often kills love itself...”.

It is hardly possible to name a more painful state of mind that would leave such a significant imprint on a person’s way of thinking and style of behavior than jealousy. In the explanatory dictionary, jealousy is defined as passionate distrust, painful doubt in someone's fidelity, in love, in complete devotion. Mental anguish caused by jealousy turns a person’s life into sheer torment, which deprives him of the opportunity to live a full life and perceive people taking into account their merits and demerits, seeing them as potential rivals or rivals with whom his love (marriage) partner is cheating or is ready to cheat at any opportunity.

Jealousy as a feeling is quite natural. There is hardly an adult who has never experienced jealousy. Some young lovers try to test the strength of their feelings by deliberately causing jealousy in their partner, without thinking that this is a very difficult feeling that does not bring joy to the one who experiences it. “The poison of life” is called jealousy in the dictionary of Russian thought and speech by M. I. Mikhelson. When jealousy fills a person to the brim, it can become the driving force for acts of terrible destructive force. No wonder the Song of Songs says: “Put me like a seal on your heart like a ring on your hand: for love is strong as death... jealousy is as fierce as hell... its arrows are arrows of fire; she is a very strong flame...”

As a component of the feeling of love, jealousy can accompany various states of love and is usually associated with disrespect in love, deception in it, loss or fear of losing it. At different phases of a love relationship - during its development, blossoming and inevitable decline - jealousy can manifest itself in different ways. For some people, jealousy manifests itself already in the first phase of a love relationship, when the imagination draws an ideal loved one and platonic love for a person similar to the ideal blossoms.

The second phase of a love relationship - the phase of passion and fiery feelings - is the most favorable time for jealousy to arise. This is due to the so-called imbalance in love relationships: during the period of occurrence mutual love both partners are equally concerned about how their loved one treats them, and both are afraid of losing their loved one.

However, in the case of the development of an unbalanced relationship (“paradox of passion”), one of the partners (for one reason or another, more involved in the relationship) develops a painful feeling of jealousy and fear of abandonment. Love relationships with a strong imbalance, when one of the partners is in strong emotional dependence on the other, accompanied by painful jealousy and uncertainty about the future fate of this union, very often have a very sad ending - the couple breaks up.

The third phase of the development of love relationships is a period when feelings become calmer and more related. Jealousy, if it was inherent in this union, rarely retains its former strength, its intensity decreases. Only in exceptional cases does jealousy remain as strong. In this regard, some psychologists note that if one of the older spouses is jealous, then love lasts longer. Long-term love relationships can be compared with the third phase.

Such relationships can be observed in a successful marriage with 10–20 years of experience, when marital friendship is formed and strengthened, stabilizing family union. In this regard, I would like to draw attention to the idea of ​​V.M. Sechenov that love between a man and a woman turns into friendship after three years.

Consequently, over the years, such love-friendship grows stronger and does not allow jealousy to destroy the family relationship of the spouses.

Possible existence attitudes towards jealousy - internal readiness to face betrayal, deception, betrayal of a loved one, waiting for confirmation of one’s suspicions in certain episodes of the partner’s behavior. As a rule, such an attitude is formed already in teenage years. Even at school, many teenagers are “enriched” with unique knowledge about love and fidelity. In particular, guys learn that “all women are cheaters,” and girls learn that “all men are scoundrels,” and by their nature they are not inclined to be faithful in love.

Such views on the relationship between a man and a woman are easily instilled if a child in childhood had to witness the adultery of his parents, and a young man - friends, acquaintances or colleagues. Sometimes so-called “prudent jealousy” can form. If you yourself have experienced the infidelity of a loved one or spouse, the expectation of infidelity can be transferred to a new partner, which fills family life with mistrust, doubts about the sincerity of the feelings of your chosen one and, in the end, destroys the marriage.

A lot has been written and said about jealousy, but interest in this problem does not wane. And it is unlikely that it will be possible to find a convergence of opinions on this issue. “Jealousy is a humiliating feeling,” some say. “Not to be jealous means to be indifferent to your loved one,” others say.

It is believed that the feeling of jealousy is as old as man himself. Evidence of this can be found in the almost forgotten legend that Eve, the progenitor of the human race, was not Adam’s first wife. Allegedly, the creator first created for Adam a woman from fire - the beautiful Lilith. However, the fiery Lilith did not like her husband in the flesh. Despite Adam's intense, addictive love for his wife, life between them was not going well. Lilith reached for the sky - for freedom and independence, and did not take Adam into account in anything.

This went on for a long time until she met on her way a creature also created from fire. Lilith fell in love with this evil genius and soon ran away from Adam to her lover. In this regard, his soul was seized by hopeless despair. Seeing Adam deeply depressed by the betrayal of his wife, the Lord created for him a more suitable (compatible according to the flesh) wife from his own rib. Eve – “flesh from flesh, bone from bone” – became Adam’s faithful life partner.

Apparently, it is no coincidence that even in myth, jealousy was born simultaneously with love. Each era has left its mark in the history of the “teaching of jealousy.” The best minds of humanity tried to explore the essence and patterns of manifestation of this phenomenon. However, this matter is not as simple as it might seem at first glance.

Jealousy is a complex, contradictory feeling. Despite the fact that it has long been included in the list of base passions, in the minds of modern man, nevertheless, the belief remains: “Being jealous means loving.” Perhaps we can agree with this with a relative degree of convention. Within reasonable limits, jealousy is natural, understandable and even expedient; it is a sign of caring, evidence of strong feelings and living human emotions. Subconsciously, many people consider it one of the proofs of love and often perceive it positively.

However, it is still wrong to think that the strength of jealousy depends on the strength of love and, than stronger man jealous, the more he loves. There is not and cannot be a direct dependence, if only because jealousy is an expression of blind biased distrust, and love is boundless faith in a person, satisfaction and dissolution of one’s own self in a loved one. Without knowing this, some young people decide to carry out risky experiments in order to “warm up” their love. These are not necessarily real actions aimed at deliberately arousing jealousy by one’s behavior. These can also be fictional love stories that young spouses tell each other.

For example, in one family, spouses deliberately fueled their feelings by telling each other about imaginary courtship and love affairs. At the same time, they tried to give their stories a believable character, describing in detail the details of intimate meetings with an imaginary love partner. Gradually, reticence, suspicion and hostility appeared in their relationship, because it became difficult for each of them to believe that the love encounters of his chosen one were just a figment of fantasy, and not real events. The result unreasonable jealousy, which arose in the process of a seemingly harmless game, became a complete break. A family broke up, two people who loved each other received deep emotional trauma, and with their own hands, jokingly, they destroyed their common destiny. This once again confirms that jealousy is not something to joke about.

It should be borne in mind that although jealousy stands guard over love, it objectively destroys it. Now it’s no secret to anyone that love is different. “If there are as many heads as there are so many minds, then as many hearts there are so many kinds of love,” wrote L. N. Tolstoy. Psychologists have found that in some cases this selfless love with a relationship to a loved one as the highest value. In other cases, a loved one is also highly valued and is an object of care, but the main desire here is the desire to subjugate the partner, to make him completely dependent.

If he begins to attract the attention of the other or shows interest in the other, one of the spouses develops a feeling of jealousy.

It has been proven that if jealousy is based only on the opinion of the jealous person, its natural consequence is a conflict situation that can lead to a breakdown in family relationships, because a person knocked out of the normal rut by jealousy resorts to inappropriate actions and, as a rule, loses the battle for love.

At the same time, jealousy can have real reasons. Let's name the main ones.

1. Inferiority complex, which one of the lovers consciously or unconsciously feels due to self-doubt (“He will find someone better than me, more educated, more interesting, more beautiful than his circle”). The appearance of a worthy rival in the field of vision plunges him into confusion, causing a feeling of fear from the possible loss of a dear person (“suffering jealousy”).

2. Previous contacts, especially in remarriages (“Suddenly he meets again, returns to old family", "First love is remembered for a lifetime"). A loving partner suffers from excessive suspicion, especially in cases where his first marriage broke up due to adultery, so he fears that he may suffer the same fate in this marital union and considers it necessary to be especially vigilant (“justified jealousy”). .

3. Gossip, slander envious people, whose personal life has not worked out and for whom it gives a peculiar pleasure to spoil it for happy and loving people.

4. Frivolous behavior of one of the spouses, constant flirting, long separations due to necessity (“justified jealousy”).

5. Jealousy of one of the marriage partners as consequence of betrayal committed by himself. Thus, an unfaithful husband often torments his wife with suspicion, expecting a violation of marital fidelity on her part (“prudent jealousy”).

At the same time, jealousy is also a peculiar manifestation of the need for negative experiences, without which emotional world a person would become significantly poorer. At the same time, this is the need for self-preservation, because losing a loved one means losing yourself, your half. As you might guess, here, along with love, the basis of jealousy is the desire to preserve a loved one. Jealousy protects marriage from casual relationships and frivolous relationships with other men and women. However, the measures of love and jealousy are not always proportional.

Sometimes one of the spouses does not love himself, but is jealous of others. In such cases, scenes of jealousy do not achieve their goal, but more often lead to the opposite results: jealousy provokes increased psychological excitability, becomes the main source of negative experiences and, in the end, destroys love and inevitably leads to divorce. Loving spouse He is constantly disturbed by the painful feeling that his beloved is unfaithful to him, he suffers deeply. Of course, he can be understood. But scenes of jealousy cannot bring back love; they serve as a source of intra-family contradictions. This requires tact and good will on both sides. Suspicion and thirst for revenge will not replace them.

Jealousy is permissible and can serve to benefit the feeling of love only in one case: if it emphasizes the selectivity of feelings, acts as a precaution in preserving the family hearth, and aggravates the love relationship of spouses. Unmotivated outbursts of jealousy can only insult and hurt the feelings of another person and flaunt their weakness.

Be that as it may, all jealousy is the “evil genius” of love, roughly destroying and killing it. It is meaningless and useless because it does not contain a positive creative principle. If you are loved, there is no point in being jealous; if you are not loved enough, it is also pointless; if you are no longer loved, it is even more pointless. Moreover, this meaninglessness is not of a rational order, but from the point of view of internal freedom of feelings.

Jealousy is opposed not only to nature, but also to the culture of love: after all, the task is not to “spy” on love, but to inspire it, taking into account the subtle and whimsical nature of feelings. True love impossible without deep respect for a loved one, recognition of his self-worth and freedom, absolute trust in him and bright faith in him. Jealousy is possible and acceptable only when used as a small and “playful” element in diversity love game, as part of the creative process that enriches the feelings of loving people.

Jealousy, like no other feeling, can take both natural forms (everyday marital jealousy) and can reach the point of passion and turn into mental illness (delirium of jealousy). It is not the feeling of jealousy itself that is harmful, but the extreme forms of its manifestation that go beyond the norm (suspicion, unreasonable mental anguish, insults, thirst for revenge).

It was about this kind of jealousy, which brought a lot of troubles and contributed to the breakdown of marriage relations, that Voltaire very figuratively said: “Gloomy jealousy follows the suspicion that guides it with an unfaithful step; in front of her, with a dagger in her hand, come hatred and anger, spilling their poison... They are followed by repentance...”

Experts distinguish two forms of jealousy that goes beyond natural limits: pathological and delusional jealousy. At pathological form, a slight reason for suspicion is sufficient. At delirium of jealousy There is no real reason at all. The situations around which all delusional statements are built are not true, but created by a morbid imagination. In medicine, this phenomenon is called “imaginary third syndrome.”

If jealousy is close to pathology, a person does not care what to be jealous of: the past, present or future. He cannot forget that his wife once looked at someone else and was infatuated with someone. He is ready to make his wife jealous of a decrepit old man or even a teenager. Moreover, such a jealous person can come up with a lot of non-existent evidence of betrayal, and he himself will believe in them. In his mind, suspicions turn into real facts, so it is useless to make excuses before such a jealous person.

Pathological jealousy is inherent in people of a special character: suspicious, distrustful, inclined to see deception and trickery everywhere, to believe that all their troubles were deliberately set up by someone. That is why for such a person any fact that is suspicious, from his point of view, is enough to base his accusations of his spouse’s infidelity on it. At the same time, the reason for various kinds Suspicions and assumptions are practically everything: the wife (husband) was too cheerful at a party, agreed to dance with a stranger, was late at work, updated her wardrobe, etc.

A jealous person always doubts and does not believe in the sincerity of the words of a loved one. Wounded pride is always aroused in him, which develops into alienation, anger and hatred. “Jealous people,” wrote Cervantes, “always look into telescope, which turns small things into big ones, dwarfs into giants, guesses into truth.”

Depending on the psychological content, type and intensity of the experience, psychologists identify several reactions of jealousy ( table 3).

Ordinary everyday marital jealousy has many faces. Experts in the field of family psychology and family relationships identify several types.

1. Possessive jealousy. A jealous person or a jealous woman demands: “You do not have the right to look at others, to please them and to respond to their signs of attention. That's why I'm there. Look only at me, smile only at me, admire only me.”

Typically, such jealousy is associated with a strong experience of a partner’s betrayal and the threat of a break in the relationship. It can be provoked by betrayal or suspicious behavior of a partner, it can be caused by cooling of a loved one’s feelings, prolonged separation from him, lack of information or, conversely, compromising information about him.

It should be borne in mind that not every situation of even real betrayal causes strong jealousy. At the same time, jealousy can exist without love. The development of possessive jealousy is strongly promoted by certain character traits, such as lust for power, emotional coldness, inability to forgive, pedantic stubbornness, love of “order in everything” and simply the inability to respect the personality of another person.

2. Jealousy from infringement(disbelief in one's capabilities). Typically, such jealousy is characteristic of people with an anxious and suspicious character, insecure, with an inferiority complex, and with a tendency to exaggerate danger. This type of jealousy is promoted low self-esteem, which may have formed before marriage or may be caused by the wrong actions of another person.

People who are jealous out of doubt about their capabilities are characterized by a reluctance to allow comparison with a possible rival for fear of losing in the eyes of a loved one. With possessive jealousy, the one who is jealous suffers more, and with jealousy from infringement, doubts torment the jealous person more.

3. Converted (reflected) jealousy. The psychological mechanism of its formation is as follows: one of the spouses projects his own infidelity and unreliability onto his marriage partner. The logic of such jealousy is simple: if I can become the object of another’s love, then, probably, my marriage partner is capable of this too. Thus, unfaithful husbands and wives often turn out to be overly jealous. Such jealousy is the farthest thing from love, since betrayal is obviously possible for the jealous person.

Manifestations of jealousy vary depending on temperament. For example, choleric people how people are hot-tempered and more aggressive and react accordingly when their partner is suspected of cheating: they insult, threaten, stalk, blackmail, etc. People phlegmatic, passive people experience torment at the thought of possible betrayal, they experience their helplessness, while they may not experience aggressive feelings towards a partner or rival, putting forward justifying explanations. Usually such people suffer in silence, without advertising their feelings, hoping for further recovery normal relationship. Perhaps the most painful experience is jealousy. melancholics, who are prone to jealousy from infringement. They can become so deeply immersed in their suffering that further life becomes unbearable for them. Being suspicious by nature, such people not only suspect their partner of cheating, but also “see” in fact what confirms their speculations. Ultimately, with their jealousy, they torment both their partner and themselves, and may decide to take a desperate step - suicide because of “offended love.”

There are also features of jealousy that are specific to men and women. So, male jealousy often manifests itself as a result of the traditional preferential right of men over women, men are more likely to file for divorce due to their wife’s infidelity, although in general men are more likely to cheat.

Female jealousy has its own socio-biological basis. Bearing and feeding a child requires the protection and help of the father. By nature itself, a woman is predetermined to rely on a man and count on male devotion, therefore, a woman’s preoccupation with a man’s reciprocal feelings is socially and biologically conditioned during the period of courtship and the first years of marriage. It is believed that during these periods a woman is more jealous: she is not free from these feelings to the same extent as she is not free from the natural desire to have children. This is not a fault, but rather a weakness.

However female jealousy may also have a possessive character - for approval in the role of family “dictator”. The first sign of excessive jealousy of a wife is jealousy of her husband's parents; Another manifestation of jealousy is that of a child towards his father. This may indicate that the man failed to provide peace of mind to the woman and she does not feel safe.

There are known cases of mother-in-law jealousy towards her daughter-in-law: the mother tries to “get her son back”, sincerely believing that no woman except her is capable of taking care of her “child”. Such a claim to exclusivity can lead to two results: either to discord between spouses and the man’s “chronic” bachelorhood, or to the loss of love for his mother, no matter how strong it may be.

In any case, jealousy does not pass without a trace for any of the lovers, be they parents, lovers or spouses who have lived together for many years. Sooner or later, there will be discord in the relationship, which can lead to a complete break in the relationship if the jealous person does not stop in time and does not think about his behavior.

Sometimes people act out jealousy for some purpose: when a person has to justify himself, he involuntarily becomes more compliant. There is nothing more humiliating than making excuses for non-existent infidelity, repenting of sins that you did not commit. Jealousy as rivalry, as the fear of losing each other, is still understandable, although undesirable. Jealousy as a disease, as selfishness, as humiliation of a loved one through mistrust - is shameful and unacceptable. You can and should get rid of this feeling.

How to deal with jealousy? You cannot simply forget or drown out this feeling within yourself on the basis that it is bad. Being suppressed, these painful feelings cannot disappear only because they turn away from them, they pass into the subconscious and find a way out somewhere else (on other people, on children, on animals that have nothing to do with these experiences) .

When feelings are thoroughly suppressed, they do not appear outwardly at all, but undermine the physical and mental health personality. Chronic bodily ailments are often the result of repressed suffering, only in a different guise; they are similar open wounds, hidden deep inside. Hidden and unmet expectations of one of the partners lead to even greater difficulties in the relationship. And in such a situation, a person tries to protect himself, to protect his fears from outside touches. But we must do just the opposite. There are some psychological techniques to help deal with jealousy.

1. Don't deny the accusations. Reveal their wretchedness, bring them to the point of paradox, and then openly laugh at the stupidity to which an adult, educated, cultured and loving person has reached.

2. Pretend that you are guilty, “confess” everything, and then show your spouse the story or novel from which the facts and events were borrowed.

3. Try to instill in the jealous person that jealousy is a disease, so that he, like an alcoholic, realizes this and condemns himself for not resisting temptation.

A jealous person must learn to control himself, to be guided not by his suspicions, but by a sober mind. You must force yourself to understand that jealousy does not elevate either male or female dignity, that reproaches and suspicions, and especially quarrels and conflicts, will not keep your loved one, but will rather push him away from you.

If jealousy cannot be tamed by fidelity and love, you should separate, because the more a person tolerates jealousy, the more unbridled the jealous person becomes. Over time, he may even commit a crime.

Adultery is one of the unpleasant attributes of family life. They were, are and will be - this triangle is as old as the world! But this doesn’t make the mental pain of the person being cheated on any less. Usually, the news of betrayal is a strong shock, which not everyone can survive.

In this regard, we recall the famous experience of the famous Georgian psychologist Dmitry Uznadze. He took a pair of monkeys, separated the male with a grid, and placed another one with the female. And when the female yielded to the advances of her new lover, her “legitimate” male watched their intercourse through the bars... A day later he had a heart attack. When the female cheated not behind bars, but behind an impenetrable wall (that is, the male did not see the very fact of betrayal), the experiment did not affect the male’s health in any way. I don’t think we are much different from monkeys in these matters.

However, in modern society the attitude towards this problem is quite contradictory. Various researchers, consultants, doctors express all sorts of opinions about adultery, considering extramarital affairs (extramarital sex) a natural and typical phenomenon for our reality, which should be accepted as such and try to adapt to it. Some supporters of “alternative channels of emotional and erotic communication” are trying to prove that well-concealed extramarital affairs do not harm the marriage in any way and, on the contrary, contribute to its “ease” and integrity, making the family happy and strong.

Moreover, adultery, in particular male infidelity, is considered as a kind of effective psychotherapeutic tool, thanks to which many men successfully overcome life crises. Often they rush into romance novels precisely at the moment personal crisis, usually caused by failures in the professional sphere, a feeling of dissatisfaction with work or some circumstances.

Such a romance acts as a support, a psychological crutch: it helps to again believe in oneself, one’s own capabilities, and the new woman willingly agrees to listen to the complaints of a failed man about life. If the husband had not started an affair at this time, such therapists believe, the family might not have been able to withstand the emotional stress: the wife would have become irritable, harsh, and finally snapped - and the couple’s slow “drift” into oblivion would have begun.

For centuries, the culture of different nations has shaped customs and morals, norms of relationships that form the basis of requirements for the behavior of all family members, and primarily for the behavior of spouses. Some peoples have a rather ambiguous attitude towards adultery: some people usually punish unfaithful wife, and for others, on the contrary, the husband is subject to social sanctions.

According to the Italian historian Marco Polo, women of the Arab Assani tribe have every right to “walk to the left” every fourth day. In the Mariana Islands, an unfaithful wife is kicked out of the house, all her property is taken away, and her lover is most often simply killed. A more severe punishment awaits the womanizer husband: all the women in the area pounce on him and torment him until he gives up the ghost or, at best, becomes crippled. In Grand Bassam (Africa), a traitor, in order to atone for his guilt, must give his other half a gold ornament. And the wife’s lover must work as a servant in this family for some time. The Ashanti tribe treats an unfaithful wife more harshly: the husband... bites off her nose. Therefore, to stay with your nose intact, it is best to live in Borneo, because it is easiest to get a divorce there. For spouses, instead of proving that they do not get along in character, it is quite enough to state that they heard the singing of a bird at night, which brings misfortune in family life.

At the same time, one very important feature is striking: since ancient times, excessive severity in behavior was required exclusively from women. The narrow scope of women's freedom was limited to such an extent that she was not only denied the right to express any feelings for a man who was not her husband, but she was generally considered a thing, the property of her husband. We find evidence of a similar attitude towards women among the ancient Germans in the description of Tacitus.

A wife was usually bought by giving gifts to her family. And they treated her accordingly. The infidelity of wives was punished very severely by their husbands. “Having loosened the traitor’s hair and stripped her naked, the husband, in the presence of relatives, drives her out of his house and, whipping her with a whip, drives her throughout the village. No matter how beautiful, young and rich she may be, she will no longer find a new husband,” says Tacitus.

Well, how can one not think here about how tenacious these “traditions” were. In the description of domestic family life of the last century we find the following: “Despite the fact that male infidelity is much more common, only the wife’s infidelity is condemned and punished. The punishment was that the husband harnessed his wife to a cart or sleigh instead of a horse, forcing him to carry him, and at the same time beat his wife with a whip. Or he tied his wife to a shaft by the braids and drove the horse to gallop.”

Many centuries have passed, but, unfortunately, in many of our families the semi-wild morals of our ancestors are still preserved: a disdainful attitude towards women and the idea that “only a man is the king of nature” can allow himself “liberties on the side.”

Of course, such a double morality will not bring happiness to the family if the man and woman do not understand one important truth: you need to take care of, respect the feelings of the other, learn to understand your neighbor, accept his pain, take his place; learn to think not only about yourself, your feelings and grievances. And then there will be harmony and mutual understanding in the family. In the meantime, unfortunately, we very often have to deal with the problem of extramarital affairs - this unpleasant companion of marriage.

How to deal with adultery? A question to which there is unlikely to be an answer that satisfies equally those who engage in extramarital affairs and those who do not cross forbidden boundaries. Moreover, on this issue, despite the eternity of the problem, which has existed as long as the family has existed, there is still no serious scientific literature. Concepts treason And loyalty are subjective in nature, that is, each partner of a married couple and the married couple as a whole has the right to determine their attitude towards them. Evidence of this is the type of extramarital entertainment such as swinging – temporary exchange of marriage partners for the purpose of diversifying sexual relations by mutual agreement of the spouses.

One should also keep in mind this type of sexual extramarital relations, such as incest . Some researchers do not classify it as adultery and find a completely plausible explanation for this. For example, A. Lippius believes that incest as a sexual relationship with a close blood relative cannot be classified as treason.

“Everything happens within the circle of a family, whose members are initially bound by the bonds of family love. According to sex therapists, brother and sister most often unite during adolescence. It is clear that we are not talking about treason here. Let's change the situation. Brother and sister grew up, each with their own family. Memory of family, oh happy childhood they will be brought closer together. If they have actively had sex before, then there is a high percentage of the likelihood that sometimes they will want to immerse themselves in “memories”. But even in this case, it cannot be said that he will cheat on his wife, and she on her husband.

The scientific literature has noted cases where in large families children were born from incest, whose parents were involved in raising them. Sometimes sex occurred between father and daughter and simultaneously between mother and son, mother and daughter. In these cases, the family creates its own closed world. There are no strangers here and, therefore, we cannot talk about treason.

Incest is a multifaceted phenomenon. Sometimes drunk fathers force their daughters to do this. In this case we are talking about a crime. However, this has nothing to do with treason.”

We come across facts of extramarital sexual love quite often in our everyday life. It is useless to refer to real figures indicating the prevalence of female and male infidelity. It is important to know that the influence of extramarital contacts and relationships on marital relationships is largely determined by the stage of development of the marriage at which the infidelity occurred. Any type of betrayal is fraught for spouses with an acute or protracted emotional reaction from the deceived partner if the erotic adventures of their other half become known to him. A prolonged extramarital affair, in addition, can threaten the marriage by creating emotional dependence of the unfaithful spouse on his new chosen one. The psychological characteristics of these and other problems associated with adultery will be discussed in this section.

Extramarital contacts and affairs, traditionally referred to as treason, otherwise called adultery, which translated from French (adultere) means adultery, adultery, adultery. In the dictionary of the Russian language by S.I. Ozhegov, an unfaithful person is a person “who cannot be trusted, who has violated his obligations to someone or something,” and treason is interpreted as “a violation of fidelity to someone or something.”

Based on these definitions, adultery should be considered as a violation of fidelity to the person with whom the marriage has been concluded. The main indicators of adultery are sexual relations with another partner and a ban on them on the part of the marriage partner, and secretiveness of meetings. An emotional connection is not necessary. Thus, adultery can be defined as voluntary sexual relations with an extramarital partner, into which one of the spouses enters secretly or without the permission of the person with whom the marriage is concluded.

Treason as a variant of violation married life differs significantly from other types of family destruction: conflicts, quarrels, antisocial behavior, crises, divorces, etc. Marital infidelity can occur in practically healthy, socially prosperous families and be absent in destroyed ones. The area of ​​its manifestation is the sexual and love relationship of spouses, while a quarrel, conflict, crisis do not have such qualitative certainty and can develop in the area of ​​everyday, economic, parental and other relationships. Although betrayal does not concern family relationships in general, but only the area of ​​marital feelings, other family members are involved in its experience, which always negatively affects the family atmosphere as a whole and can lead to a serious crisis or breakup of the marriage.

No matter how some researchers try to justify adultery, citing the words of F. Engels that “there are no remedies against adultery, like against death,” calling for a philosophical approach to life, one should not forget about the consequences of such love interests.

Firstly, adultery threatens the integrity of the family, affecting such important foundations as marital feelings.

Secondly, the disruption of relationships in the marital substructure is transferred to other aspects of family life, destroying emotional, everyday, economic and even child-parent relationships.

Third, a love-sexual relationship on the side is accompanied by the experience of feelings of jealousy, resentment, suffering of the deceived partner, which introduces deep affects into the family drama, destructive in themselves.

Fourth, an extramarital affair affects the sense of honor and personal dignity of the betrayed spouse, which makes betrayal not only an interpersonal, but also an individual-personal phenomenon. A woman whose husband cheated on her feels insulted, offended, and unhappy. In the event of his wife’s betrayal, the husband experiences a feeling of humiliation, considers himself disgraced and ridiculous, pathetic both in the eyes of others and in his own - after all, the pathetic image of a cuckold has been the subject of ridicule since time immemorial. Almost every man is associated with the concept of adultery on the part of his wife, the loss of his masculine honor.

Fifthly, for the “injured party,” the betrayal of a spouse is a severe psychological trauma, provoking, along with psychogenic depression and self-destructive behavior (from alcoholism to suicidal attempts), the emergence of pronounced aggressive tendencies towards the unfaithful partner (from physical pressure to murder).

There is an opinion that adultery and adultery are not the same thing. For example, the German psychotherapist K. Kofta believes that betrayal concerns the body, infidelity concerns the soul. A. Lippius, within the framework of the concept of marital infidelity, separates extramarital sex and adultery. He sees the main difference in the fact that a traitor may not break off the marriage, but he does not love his marriage partner, he is only held by some circumstances, for example, children, career, relative domestic comfort, which he is afraid of losing. In extramarital sex, husbands tend to love their wives but practice infidelity.

At the same time, intimate sexual relationships, depending on the duration and stability of extramarital contacts, the nature of the partners’ relationship and the subject of the new love interest (a casual person or a permanent one, that is, the same person), can be divided into three groups: casual extramarital contacts ( short, casual relationships), erotic-sexual adventures (romantic relationships) and extramarital affairs (infidelity).

How do each of the identified types of extramarital sexual relations differ from each other?

Casual extramarital contact – an isolated case, episodic, short-term relationship, little connected with a specific person. Such contact may be a consequence of sexual need caused by forced sexual abstinence - abstinence (separation or illness of one of the spouses), a manifestation of the need to prove to oneself one’s sexual capacity, or provoked by the realization of a random opportunity.

The cheating spouse does not fall deeply in love and does not set such a goal, therefore such contact is not a consequence of a sensual relationship and does not lead to it; this is a purely sexual fact. Possible forms manifestations of this type of extramarital sexual relations can be two extreme options.

Firstly, this is a single extramarital contact that took place completely by chance under certain circumstances (meeting childhood friends, sex during a business trip or vacation at a resort, drinking alcohol together, which led to a loss of control of one’s behavior as a result of alcohol intoxication, etc. ).

Secondly, frequent extramarital contacts in an individual of a polygamous type, who easily changes sexual partners without having an emotional and erotic connection with them. Men who are focused only on obtaining sexual pleasure are most often prone to such types of infidelity. Therefore, one should not be surprised that they do not remember either the names or faces of their sexual partners, although they may perfectly remember the brand of wine that they drank with a casual acquaintance the day before.

Short, casual relationships pose the least danger to marriage.

Erotic-sexual adventures represent separate extramarital episodes in which sexual sophistication plays a special role with elements of discovering new things and the desire for variety. In addition to sexual desire, an indispensable condition is the erotic attractiveness of the partner. Tenderness plays a significant role here. Such contacts are built on the mutual provision of subtle experiences in which, among other things, the discovery of a new person is important. For a man, it’s primarily about discovering his partner’s body; for a woman, it’s more about discovering her body’s reaction to a new partner.

These erotic-sexual adventures are brief, optional and leave behind memories of a certain individual episode and their own pleasure. There is no longer any romance in marriage, but in a relationship with a new sexual partner there is a feeling of freshness. Illicit relationships come with fears of being exposed. Research has established that a state of anxiety increases sexuality in a person: the most acute sexual arousal appears after passing a certain threshold of anxiety. Therefore, sex gives lovers more pleasure for this reason. In addition, having violated the law of integrity, a person feels free from other moral prohibitions, in particular, he becomes more relaxed in sex, which is very important for complete satisfaction.

This type of adultery can take on the character of long-term sexual relationships, typical of serious people prone to attachment. At the same time, each partner is satisfied with the style of married life. They meet to relieve accumulated negative energy; each of them is interested in an extramarital partner only as a source of pleasure. Long-term relationships for a married man can be one of the types of sexual contacts. For a married woman, such a respectable lover is most often the only one.

Erotic-sexual adventures do not pose a particular danger to the marital union (for which respect is maintained) of each of the partners; rather, they are a transitory addition to it. Such extramarital affairs, despite the duration and relative stability of the partners’ relationship, can stop completely as soon as one of the lovers feels a threat to their marriage.

Most romantically inclined men try to give preference to single women, while most unfaithful wives cheat only with married men. One of the reasons for this is that a married man is safer, calmer and will not threaten the existence of her current family.

Extramarital sexual contacts, single or repeated, and erotic-sexual adventures are called differently situational short-term betrayals. One should distinguish from them prolonged infidelity, designated as fornication.

Treason – the most dangerous sexual relationships, characterized by a long duration and the emergence of emotional dependence on the new partner. A strong feeling of love in this case may be the cause of betrayal or, conversely, appear in the process of developing a relationship with an extramarital partner. Often the woman in such a relationship is unmarried, and the married man is middle-aged (45–55).

In psychology, this age of a man is considered dangerous. IN this period starts to decline sexual desire, reflecting the transition from maturity to withering, which is perceived by some men in panic, since for them it represents the onset of old age and the end of active life. This category of men strives to preserve sexual desire in any way. Among the most common ways, as a rule, is the emergence of an alliance with a young, attractive, sexy active woman, in which he can play the role of a young man with full dedication. Such a relationship can destroy a family if an unfavorable situation develops in it and if one of the extramarital partners has their own home.

This type of extramarital relationship, like marital relationships, is characterized by certain stages of development. The personal qualities and emotionality of both partners are of great importance. At the same time, a woman does not enter into a love relationship with a man immediately, but looks closely at him for a very long time, trying to understand whether she really loves him, because for her the main objective- love, and sex is a means to conquer it. In addition, a woman wants a lot, but from one man, and therefore she seems to be asking the price of him, trying to predict whether she will get everything she expects in a new relationship. Therefore, she is in no hurry to reveal her feelings: it is easier for her to fall in love than to confess her love.

As for men, their psychology is somewhat different. A man is afraid of the emergence of new problems, hoping that in an extramarital affair with another woman he will be able to relax and take a break from the worries of life. Maintaining a relationship with her and receiving new sensations from her, pleasure in sex, over time the man becomes so emotionally attached to her that for the sake of new love he is ready to sacrifice family well-being, hoping to continue the love affair with a new partner. Therefore, his extramarital affair may have the nature of a long-term, predominantly sexual relationship, to which a deep feeling of love is added over time.

Such a connection inevitably leads to various kinds of problems of the so-called double life. On the one hand, a family with a wife and children, and on the other, a new love that is not so easy to give up. The fate of everyone in this love triangle turns out to be unenviable. A wife who has failed to maintain harmony in intimate relationships in a long and stable marriage is now forced to put up with the situation so as not to lose her husband, and with him, her family. A rival who, having failed to build her own happiness, is forced to be content with a surrogate relationship and put an exculpatory theory behind it, realizing its fragility. A husband who is forced to lie, dodge, finding himself between two fires, overcome pangs of conscience, fearing reprisals on both sides, because it is difficult for him to refuse both one and the other woman, each of whom is dear to him in his own way (a man wants one thing - attention, care, affection - but from many women). He is more satisfied with such a double marriage, because in this situation it is very difficult to make a choice.

On the one hand, the man remains attached to his wife, with whom he has lived a significant part of his life and experienced a lot together, and on the other hand, the new chosen one arouses in him acute sexual arousal and passionate feelings. Often, being in a state of duality, he waits for more decisive action from one of the women, so as not to take on the burden of responsibility either for a broken marriage or for the breakdown of relationships on the side. And if, at a time when a man is at a crossroads, a trifling quarrel or disagreement arises with an extramarital partner, this may serve as a reason for breaking up with her. In any case, the appearance of ordinary “friction” between them pushes them to the conclusion that “she is not the same” and “he is no longer the same.” Ardent passion, thus, can develop into the category of long-term friendly relationships, which, in turn, can be replaced by a gradual fading of feelings, and often complete emotional alienation of people who once passionately loved each other.

In relationships between extramarital partners there is one very significant feature that distinguishes them from marital relationships. If spouses are usually connected not only by emotional dependence on each other, but also by a common life, the need to raise children and other family functions and responsibilities, then the basis of an extramarital union is predominantly the emotional relationships of the partners. And since emotions are changeable and often depend on the current situation, these unions fall apart faster and more often.

Psychologists have identified five stages of development of emotional relationships, which are typical for both married and extramarital couples.

First stage - a period of deep passionate love of a person, when he is completely under the influence of a positive attitude: the partner takes undivided attention, coloring the perception of reality in rainbow tones, without leaving the consciousness of the loving person for a minute.

On second stage Some cooling occurs: the image of a loved one emerges less and less in his absence, but his mere appearance causes a strong surge of positive emotions, love, tenderness towards him.

On third stage further cooling of emotional relationships occurs. Now, in the absence of a partner, the other experiences a kind of psychological discomfort, feels bad, all sorts of “dark” thoughts creep into the head. At his mere appearance, tenderness and love do not flare up. Now an incentive is needed for this: he needs to do something pleasant that proves his love, affection, gentle words, gifts, some services, etc. are now required from him. This is the stage of addiction.

If the intensity of communication is not reduced at this stage, fourth stage when the presence of a partner causes unconscious irritation, when certain features - in appearance, behavior, habits - are perceived as shortcomings, and the preconditions for quarrels are created. A person begins to fall under the influence of a negative attitude: every word, gesture or action of a partner is now perceived from an unfriendly, hostile position, his innocent mistake is considered as a deliberate crime. There is a desire to separate, but as soon as he is “out of sight”, the balance is restored.

On fifth stage the person is completely under the influence of a negative attitude. Now the partner again can’t get out of his head all day, but this is no longer the angel he was a few months (weeks) ago, now he has finally revealed his “true face as a vile and calculating villain.” All the good things that happened in the past are deliberately devalued and ignored pleasant words and actions, but clearly appears and grows to gigantic proportions, everything negative in him is built into a single chain, life together “loses all meaning.”

Naturally, there is no clear boundary between two adjacent stages for the same person, and even more so it cannot be drawn for different people whose position, condition, well-being, whose behavior may not coincide. But quite often, a partner who has left the family begins to think more and more about what he lost in the past, tries to improve relations with his ex-spouse, hoping to return to him. If for some reason this is impossible, then there may be a desire to find a new partner with whom you can again survive the surge. love feelings. And this can happen repeatedly for some people.

Extramarital affairs are usually associated with a variety of reasons of a psychological, social, everyday, neurophysiological, emotional, intellectual and moral nature. In each individual case and for each specific person, be it a man or a woman, these reasons are subjective in nature, determined not only by specific accidents and circumstances, but also by the personal characteristics of the partners. In addition, the reasons for cheating may be due to gender differences related to the peculiarities of the psychology of gender. Let's look at this category of reasons in more detail.

In the public consciousness, a kind of double standard is still preserved in relation to extramarital affairs between men and women. In particular, the view of male infidelity as a kind of prank, a physiological need, the satisfaction of which is possible (and even necessary!) with any partner, is quite common, since negative sexual energy accumulates, and its excess leads to health problems.

Men often hold more liberal views in relation to themselves than in relation to women, showing themselves to be supporters of traditional double standards - behavior that is “permissive” for men and “forbidden” for women. They do not consider one-time episodes of their infidelity to be treason at all.

Women usually make the same demands on themselves and men. The modern woman still retains her position as a homemaker. Women are more categorical about extramarital affairs, prohibiting them for both sexes.

There are many reasons for men to cheat. Here are the most common ones.

1. Increased sexual need in most cases, not associated with any emotional and spiritual aspects of communication, which is usually satisfied with unfamiliar partners or in short-term, fleeting relationships with long-time acquaintances, co-workers, wives of friends, etc.

2. Temporary absence of wife– her departure on a business trip, vacation, for treatment, etc. Separation from her spouse is often regarded as sufficient grounds for searching for a temporary replacement.

3. The impact of “random” circumstances. Alcohol intoxication, especially its mild degree, increases sexual desire and weakens internal inhibitions. Many men consider drinking alcohol in company as a direct cause of extramarital affairs. However, it would be more correct to regard this condition as a circumstance conducive to adultery.

4. Love for another woman. Sex in this case is a self-evident detail in the complex mechanism of human relationships built on love.

5. Initiative and perseverance of a woman. IN in this case a man’s “code of honor” does not allow him to offend a lady with a refusal, or to admit his “inability” himself. In modern conditions, this reason for male infidelity is also due to the following circumstance. In large cities, more than 30% of women in adulthood are not legally married, but are ready to enter into sexual relations with a man, and at the same time consider a man, regardless of whether he is married or not, to be their lawful prey.

According to psychologists, the majority of modern single women intend to (and do) enter into a relationship with a married man if they like him, although twenty years ago many of them preferred loneliness to a relationship with a family man. Similar research intimate life A 1998 survey of unmarried 35-40 year old women in Warsaw and Krakow by Andrzej Kubiak found that 75% of them were or had previously been in a sexual relationship with a married man. According to information received from married men, many of them did not even think about cheating, they would prefer to remain faithful to their wives, but they are not able to refuse the “adventure” if the “adventure” itself comes into their hands.

6. Self-affirmation. Men's pride is consoled by the number of sexual victories that they vitally need. This is especially typical for those men who were unable (unable, did not want) to realize their career ambitions. Having not achieved the planned successes in life, they try to compensate for their professional failure and professional failure with achievements in the sexual sphere. Such men are more likely to cheat not only on their wives, but also on extramarital partners, of whom they may have several at the same time: they visit one of them frequently, meet with another occasionally, and meet with a third on a strict schedule, for example, once a month. Research by psychologists shows: the more successful a man’s business is in the professional sphere, the less prone he is to cheat.

7. Revenge(for humiliation, for treason). Entering into an extramarital affair occurs during quarrels with his wife, in the heat of the moment, or out of a desire to take revenge and assert one’s freedom and independence.

8. Desire for a change of impressions, the desire for a variety of sensations, feelings and impressions. In family life, boredom seems to set in. This means not only the repetition of conversations, the lack of spiritual stimuli, but most often the monotony in intimate (sexual) life. A man in extramarital contact with another woman is looking for a change of impressions, the charm of novelty and unknown sensations; sometimes he is driven by simple curiosity and a thirst for additional pleasures.

9. Reward yourself for success. A similar motive for betrayal is characteristic of the category of wealthy men that has emerged in Russia in the last decade. For a man, self-affirmation through the manifestation of his business and professional qualities, so he devotes a lot of strength and energy to his career. Sooner or later, a goal comes to a purposeful and persistent man. big success, for which he decides to reward himself with a mistress.

Sometimes such men cannot stand the role of winner in all areas of life. And this instills fear in them. On subconscious level they are afraid of the revenge of evil demons for their successful fate. By starting an affair and making sure his wife finds out about it, the husband deliberately destroys the family. Failure in one area of ​​life - in this case, in family life - gives them the opportunity to withstand success in another, professional, business and love, because he feels free, not bound by any prohibitions or obligations. This “rewarded state” continues until the man once again enters into a legal marriage.

Along with stated reasons male infidelity, some more can be noted characteristics of cheating husbands. The man makes “leaves to the left” without looking back, unerringly relying on his own strength. If his wife, for example, finds out about his sexual adventures, then he will have the patience to calm her down with gifts or assurances of marital fidelity in the future. At the same time, he understands that he will not fulfill any of the promises. In addition, men are relatively free to make decisions regarding such a delicate matter as extramarital sex. The overwhelming majority of them play extramarital games of their own free will, even in cases where they pursue mercantile interests. The behavioral thesis “life is so short and is given only once” justifies any of their adventures, although most unfaithful husbands consider their marriage to be quite successful, while cheating wives regard it as unhappy.

Female infidelity- This is an escape from a marital relationship that does not suit her. Women in marriage are disappointed that the husband does not provide adequate emotional support, does not devote any time or attention to his wife, does not express love and does not help in household chores, so she seeks support on the side. American psychologist K. Baldwin noted in this regard that women outside of marriage are not looking for sex, but for emotional protection and support, but they are forced to pay for this with their bodies.

What reasons most often prompt a woman to cross the forbidden line of legal marriage? As mentioned above, what comes to the fore here is something that is purely secondary for men: dissatisfaction in marriage. The much greater weight of love for an extramarital partner as a motive for an extramarital affair is quite consistent with this: a woman dissatisfied with marriage seeks serious affection in extramarital relationships, counting on emotional warmth, since she feels lonely in the family.

Suffering from a lack of attention to herself, a woman at the same time dreams of a brave, persistent man who will truly love her, and therefore she takes longer to betray her than a man, painfully thinks about her relationship and worries about it, looks closely for a very long time to a man before becoming his mistress. Extramarital sex for a woman acts as a strong emotional connection, to which she is often driven by deep psychological reasons.

1. Revenge on my husband for his betrayal.

2. The desire to feel loved again and feel important and increase self-esteem.

3. The desire to prolong the feeling of youth,“ignite” yourself, experience strong feelings.

4. The desire to feel your power over a man and satisfy sexual needs, if they become acute.

5. Desire to satisfy curiosity having exchanged the “old” husband for the “new” one, thirst for novelty.

6. Assignment in business relations for career reasons. Often happens to women who are in a position of subordination to a male boss. Schemes of such relations can be very diverse, some of them take on the character of obvious coercion. Unfortunately, male bosses often take advantage of women's dependent position. Naturally, they do not demand sex, but behave like ordinary men trying to court an attractive woman.

Often a woman finds herself in a hopeless situation: she understands that if she refuses, her boss will not forgive any mistake, will begin to find fault with her work, will look for shortcomings, exert psychological pressure and will ultimately fire her. Therefore, she is forced to choose the lesser of two evils: it is better to suffer once than to experience daily pressure; she simply has nowhere to go, because the same picture may repeat at a new place of work. This form of betrayal can be described as voluntary-forced sex.

7. Sex gratitude for a kind attitude towards oneself, for a service rendered, for timely help and support in difficult times, etc. A woman believes that it is ignoble to refuse a person who has done so much for you.

8. A way to make money. Many married women (and in Lately There have also appeared quite a few men) who, for money, enter into extramarital affairs with random wealthy clients. Married prostitutes sometimes only earn extra money by receiving money or expensive gifts. The family usually does not know about additional income.

Despite the fact that most women in adultery seek love and friendship, initially becoming emotionally attached to their partner and then physically, there is a predisposition of some women to extramarital affairs. This occurs when a woman:

a) considers infidelity justified;

b) her mother cheated on her husband or she has an acquaintance (sister, close girlfriend), who has an extramarital partner;

c) loves her husband less than he loves her, and is actually the head of the family;

d) had rich sexual experience before marriage and was more educated than her husband;

e) is at a “critical” age, or there is a streak of bad luck in her life;

e) worries sudden death a loved one and separated from her husband;

g) dreams of a love affair and has a long-time male friend;

h) strives for independence and wants to be independent.

However, there are some specific features characteristic of cheating wives. Unlike a man, a woman usually has a single lover. Only when he disappears does she find another; but more often they find her, and she does not refuse. It happens that she changes her extramarital partner on her own initiative, but in any case she strives not to split into two in extramarital games. At the same time, the woman tries to remain faithful to her new chosen one; a strong connection with two or more men at the same time is not typical for a woman. Even her husband temporarily ceases to exist as a sexual partner.

In addition, when maintaining a relationship with a new partner, a woman always doubts her actions. She is tormented by a lot of questions for which she searches and does not find an answer: why is this necessary; what will happen if the husband finds out; how and when will all this end; What is this love for if everything in life remains unchanged?

Women often engage in extramarital affairs under the influence external reasons: for example, revenge on a husband for betrayal or a forced concession to another man due to work circumstances (sexual harassment at work). A woman cheats not so much to a specific person(to her husband), as much as her principles, norms of behavior, which she followed for a long time. Perhaps this is one of the reasons for a woman’s more demanding attitude towards her lover, who must act in such a way that she feels not only desired, but also loved. In addition, it is desirable that he be the opposite of her husband, know how to give compliments, always listen with attention and sympathy, approve and encourage her.

Along with the reasons for adultery, which are inherent only in male or female infidelity, we can also highlight a number of motives characteristic of representatives of both sexes:

1. Scolded love: betrayal is caused by a lack of mutual feeling. One of the spouses suffers from rejection of his love, unrequited feelings. This encourages him to satisfy it in another partnership where reciprocity is possible. Sometimes the cheater himself does not love the new partner, but responds to his feelings, sympathizing with the unrequitedly loving person.

2. Total family breakdown. In this case, betrayal is actually the creation of a new family, when the old one is perceived as unviable for one reason or another.

3. Adultery can be associated with a serious and sometimes intractable problem in modern marriage, when spouses live in different places. They sincerely love each other, suit each other in every way, but for one reason or another they cannot live together. For example, the husband is transferred to work in another place, but the wife cannot leave her job.

Or a special case when the husband is sent to study or work abroad (on a long business trip), and his wife remains at home alone or with the children. In this situation, difficulties inevitably arise that are not easy to overcome. This is not only about the fact that spouses cannot satisfy their sexual needs. For young families, this is also the lack of opportunity for marriage partners to get used to and adapt to each other, to develop general views on family life and raising children.

4. A casual relationship can be provoked certain circumstances in which both spouses were forced to find themselves. Both men and women often experience temptation. To resist them, such great efforts are needed that study and work suffer as a result, and responsibility to the family is forgotten.

5. There are cases when the infidelity of one of the spouses is explained by a certain predisposition consisting of individual character traits.

To maintain a stable relationship with a marriage partner, it is necessary to take into account his personal qualities. Researchers believe there are subjective factors, promoting adultery. Undoubtedly, a quiet, lazy person is less likely to enter into extramarital affairs, since in this case one must show flexibility and try to be successful everywhere and in everything. Conversely, it is not difficult for an enterprising, energetic man to establish sexual contacts with several partners. Wherein important role plays a person’s sexual temperament, which is largely determined by the state of physical health and is associated with his general temperament.

At the same time, the level of sexual temperament may not coincide with a person’s sexual needs, which change quite often (from simple satisfaction of sexual needs to a variety of techniques and desire for sexual entertainment). However, maintaining fidelity in this case depends not so much on the ability to control the manifestation of sexual instinct, but on selectivity in the erotic-sexual area. In this regard, women are more restrained in their sexual aspirations, but they can be classified as one type or another.

1. " Temptress" wants to love and have fans, for which he uses sex. However, her actual desire for sexual intercourse is usually small. She is often a bad housewife, she has an unkempt husband and children left to their own devices, but she always takes care of herself, never getting tired of various cosmetic procedures. She is attracted by increased attention to her person, to her body. She willingly allows herself to be loved, although this does not excite her at all and does not satisfy her physically. A woman of this type is interested in only one person - herself, and with this she is happy as a thing in itself.

2. "Adventurer" is looking for non-binding sexual adventures with as little involvement of feelings as possible, and at home this good wife and mother. She loves her husband, but does not find a common language with him sexually. She actively chooses her adventure partner: she seeks sexual experiences that she lacks in family life.

With such a woman it is easy, warm, cozy, she does not create problems, but on the contrary, she solves them herself. She does not make a scene, tries to be lenient, kind, patient, touchingly and unobtrusively supports and takes care of her husband.

Even if she has always considered herself a woman of strict behavior, she can also be a good lover because she feels that it gives pleasure to her extramarital partner. If, after all, such a woman turns out to be a “passing figure” for a man, then she most often does not make a tragedy out of it, and endures the breakup that has occurred more calmly than he expected. Extramarital contacts, despite their significant number for a woman, take place secretly; she does not even talk about them to her best friend. In the eyes of others, she has only one man - her husband.

3. "Defenseless" is not capable of refusal for the reason that a man’s sexual passion immediately evokes a reciprocal feeling in her. Has a low threshold of sexual excitability, does not show initiative, finds satisfaction by submissively surrendering herself to the power of her partner; cannot offer resistance because “he is stronger.”

This personality trait is formed mainly in the specific conditions of professional and labor activity. Initially, the woman gives in to sexual advances within official relations, forcedly agreeing to the conditions offered by her boss, and then this begins to acquire a kind of norm of life for her. Such increasingly frequent cases have prompted sociologists to even identify risk groups: saleswomen, assistant secretaries, conductors, and flight attendants.

The prevalence of “on-the-job” sexual relations among women is often due to their natural desire to please others, which sometimes goes into that imperceptible line when a man may have a deceptive impression of easy availability or he will see in her behavior a desire to seduce. An excited man may perceive a woman’s refusal only as an element of ritual, a tribute to tradition, or a desire to increase his worth.

4. "Unsatisfied" cannot find satisfaction in anything: neither in her husband, nor in work, nor in friends. He doubts the correctness of his choice of a partner, even when he has had quite a long relationship with him. Easily falls in love with someone else, whom he usually overestimates. In love affairs she often feels guilty and this makes her unbearable.

Such a woman is very purposeful, strong-willed, with a decisive character, and never deviates from her intentions. She is always satisfied with both her external data and her level of development, but her close social environment, including her husband, is unworthy of her. Having fallen in love once again, she becomes very feminine, attractive and flirtatious with her extramarital partner.

At the same time, she is forced after love meetings return to family conditions that do not suit her, which irritates her. Caring for family partner and children, harmonious relationships The family doesn't bother her much. She is in an eternal search for the ideal man who satisfies her picky tastes: handsome, rich, smart, strong, without bad habits; wants to ensure that her image and lifestyle correspond to her unrealistic expectations and inflated aspirations. Prestige is very important to her.

Models of male extramarital behavior are more diverse and, naturally, there are much more types of men prone to extramarital affairs.

1. " Don Juan" - an immature personality, obsessed with the desire to please and experiencing narcissistic satisfaction from betrayal. This is a noble womanizer, forever in love with some woman. A man of this type is able to completely immerse himself in love experiences, in the power of which he remains for a short time; pauses in love affairs are insignificant and manifest themselves in the form of disappointment, loss of interest in the subject of the latest hobby. Then he is looking for a new, more attractive or simply a different type of woman; constancy is unnatural for him.

Since the womanizer has solid experience in seduction, he acts energetically, quickly, with all passion and determination, and does not give his next chosen one time to think or comprehend what is happening. Don Juans themselves are convinced that they honor a woman by seeking her favor. They are confident in advance of their victory, and confidence has a hypnotic effect on a woman. But individual representatives of the fair sex do not have exceptional significance for him.

In most cases, the lovers of such a man try to prolong their acquaintance, but one cannot count on constancy. As soon as a woman begins to lay claim to the Don Juan and demands the fulfillment of some duties, he immediately takes flight.

For a Don Juan, a woman is a source of inspiration and vital energy. But she never acts for such a man as a wife who is nearby all his life. Even when a womanizer marries the girl of his dreams, new objects of love or passion still arise. Variability of sympathies and a series of hobbies are the main distinguishing feature of this category of men, both in marriage and in extramarital relationships.

2. "Collector" – “catcher of women”, an obsessed man of a promiscuous type, extramarital sexual activity which stems either from his need for change, variety, or from the idea that masculinity is proven a large number sexual victories.

Lovers of women of this type insure themselves against the threat of being rejected, so they court many women at the same time to be on the safe side: they feel internally weak and traumatized. Since women are able to reinforce positive emotions in them over and over again, sexual victories for them are the same as a sip of alcohol for an alcoholic (or a drug for a drug addict).

The “catcher of women” is very afraid of betrayal, because he is not confident in his sexual capabilities. And in order not to experience a serious tragedy, he tries to leave his partner first, automatically gaining a reputation as a deceiver. Usually a relationship with one woman lasts no longer than a few weeks. There are several possible behavior options for a man of this type. Some of them do not believe in monogamy and are quite honest towards women: they declare in advance that fidelity is not for them. Others act differently: they convince every woman that she is the only one for him, and constantly lie. Still others, having numerous connections, choose the “golden” middle: they do not deceive and do not tell the truth, but simply avoid answering the question about their infidelities.

Many married men pride themselves on making family a priority. But in order to accomplish this, such men, from the first days of marriage, accustom their wives to their free “office schedule.” Over time, some of them begin to feel that their lives have gone beyond the bounds of reasonable behavior and vow to give up “hunting” women, but find that they can no longer stop.

Having many women, the “collector” feels lonely. He suffers from this and tries to forget himself in his work. At a more mature age, some still break under the pressure of generally accepted attitudes that a decent man should have a family. But most of them, having gone through several legal and a large number of unofficial marriages, until the end of their lives they remain convinced bachelors, believing that fate is to blame for everything, which did not give him the woman who would understand his subtle, gentle nature.

3. " Conqueror". The whole point of a relationship for him is to achieve the love of a woman who interested him at a certain period.

This type of unfaithful man can be easily recognized by his endless use of the word “I”. He is prone to boasting, constantly demonstrates his advantages, is sophisticated in his wit, loves to shine with his erudition, intelligence, physical strength and extensive connections (which sometimes occurs).

If he remembers something from his childhood, then first of all that his mother loved him more than anyone, that he was the smartest, the most obedient or the most hooligan, but the very best.

In order to please the “conqueror,” a woman must emphasize her own achievements - in the professional sphere, in public recognition, and unobtrusively hint about her victories and broken hearts that cover her path.

“Conquerors” are usually liked by women who need support, and the masculine manners of this type create the illusion that the woman will be behind him as if behind a stone wall. This is wrong. He, of course, can reach certain heights on the social ladder, but a woman will never feel reliable support in him.

For him, the family is a safe haven to which he always returns after another love interest. True, his extramarital affairs are not as numerous as those of representatives of previous types, since he is very selective in choosing the next sexual object and immediately loses interest in women who surrender to him “without a fight.”

4. " Narcissus". Narcissism and narcissism are a personal anomaly of representatives of this type, which in its psychological characteristics is in many ways similar to the “conqueror”. All relationships of a “narcissistic” man are tuned to interest in his own person. He only knows how to take and does not even understand what it means to “give”; is not able to put himself in the place of another, since he is not inclined to listen and empathize with someone else's feelings.

He has a negative reaction to criticism addressed to him. A “narcissistic” man creates a grandiose image of himself, which really serves as a protection for him from the feeling of being wrong, low self-esteem and inner emptiness. The narcissist has a huge need to be admired; this forces him to regard betrayal as a mandatory attribute of his existence.

A man of this type views a woman either as “good” in everything, or as “bad” in everything - or deifies her, or considers her a complete nonentity. To be able to love, a person must be able to combine positive and negative emotions towards the same person. “Narcissists” cannot do this: when they see any imperfection, they turn away. As a result of this, a man of this type justifies his infidelity by saying that his wife (or new chosen one) has many shortcomings. At the same time, they consider it quite normal to have extramarital affairs due to their exclusivity and uniqueness, not allowing the idea that the wife could have love interests on the side.

5. " Forever unsatisfied" (obsessive): always in a state of all kinds of doubts and uncertainty, and these fluctuations extend to his relationships. He is constantly looking for love, but does not feel for any woman emotional attachment, since one can never be sure that the next partner is ideal woman for him.

A man of this type has persistent habits. He usually tries very hard to keep things clean. Compliance with the rules for him - the only way feel safe in the world around you. Sex often becomes one of the rituals he uses as a tranquilizer. When this type of man begins to feel uncomfortable, he may have encounters with women one after another, which gives him a sense of mastery of his life. If a woman tries to limit the sexual freedom of an eternally unsatisfied man, then he can either drink himself to death or run away from her.

6. "Male". The status of a married person does not affect his lifestyle in any way. He continues to indulge in all kinds of entertainment with his friends, considering this an integral part of a man’s life. Such men openly express disdain for women, emphasizing that men (meaning themselves first of all) patronize them, condescend to them, and women depend on men and are their open or hidden enemies.

This type of man needs admiration, respect, and, if possible, the envy of others. To this end, they often demonstrate their sexual victories to numerous friends. It doesn’t matter to them how they will look in the eyes of women, the most important thing is how other men will treat them.

Women are perceived by them as beings created to serve them, please them and not be too burdensome. They do not bind themselves to any obligations. Men of this type often have elderly mothers and grandmothers who are, or have been, resigned to their husbands’ infidelities. This fact gives them reason to think that their chosen one, be it a wife or an extramarital partner, will do the same.

7. " Misogynist" despises women, in which he is superior to “male” men. The reason for such negativism is quite often associated with emotional childhood traumas caused by fear of one or both parents. If it was the mother, then as he grows up, such a man begins to transfer his hatred of her to all women, taking revenge for his childhood humiliations. The conquest and sexual use of women becomes a unique way of expressing aggression, while the man pursues the goal of inflicting a cruel emotional blow on his next chosen one. He may deliberately maintain a relationship with a woman until she falls passionately in love, and then abruptly breaks off relations with her.

In everyday life and at work, they are distinguished by neatness, tact and politeness. They often successfully make a career: they compensate for the lack of love with high social activity and constantly compete with their mother, wanting to prove to her that they can become strong, famous, and rich not thanks to their mother, but despite her ideas about them.

Being legally married, such men often openly enter into a love affair with another woman, flaunting their affair whenever possible. Sometimes this behavior is a consequence of resentment: for example, his previously rejected love or a woman’s insult to him. manhood. And he takes revenge through other women, proving to her (and himself) what a mistake she made.

8. " Impulsive man" enters into sexual relations with many women due to his inability to resist temptation. Usually this is a socially immature person who, on the one hand, can take a responsible attitude towards his work and career, and on the other hand, in other areas of life act like a small capricious child: when he wants something - be it a trinket or a woman - he must certainly get it.

Representatives of this type of man live in a world of momentary impressions, since their attention does not linger on anything for long and only snatches something bright or new from the world around them. They are rarely faithful and prefer to lead a wandering life, have poor impulse control and for this reason are sexually omnivorous, and can become addicted to alcohol or drugs. Impulsive men ignore moral values, therefore, they feel entitled to do whatever they want without feeling guilty.

Some impulsive men have a hysterical character. Life for them is an ongoing drama in which they have a fascinating role to play. Such men very often fall passionately in love and cannot remain faithful to any woman for long. A married hysterical man is not capable of loving his wife, since he has known her for too long for her to be the object of his passion. Therefore, easily falling in love, she allows numerous sexual affairs on the side, the subject of which for a short time are long-time girlfriends, new acquaintances, co-workers, and neighbors.

9. "Prince". His mother was dissatisfied with her husband - in her opinion, he did not meet many of her requirements. Despite her husband's good qualities as a worker and family man, she believed that he did not have enough emotionality, culture or the ability to express his feelings. When such a woman had a son, she began to treat him as a messiah and transferred all her love to him.

Since the mother considered her son her savior, he begins to perceive himself as God's gift to women. The “prince” has an extraordinary need for attention, and since no woman can fill this bottomless barrel, he always tries to find pleasure with backup options - he always has one or two “others”. The “prince” in the role of the husband begins to feel that his wife allegedly underestimates him, and therefore finds solace in infidelity.

10. "Top of the triangle." Men of this type are a kind of fighters who get special pleasure when several women fight for their love. They either manage to get caught, or directly let the woman know about the existence of a rival, because the purpose of their betrayal is not sex, not love, not romance, but war. Such men were often raised in families where there were triangles - their mothers and fathers made every effort to show their son that each of them loved him more than the other. Or he was raised in a female environment (by his mother and grandmother).

To maintain the triangle, these men often maneuver between two women, never finally settling on one. Basically, triangles cease to exist because the wife or extramarital partner gets tired of the constant struggle and leaves him (kicks him out of the house). If it had been in a man's power, he would have kept the triangle forever. That is why, if one triangle falls apart, men of this type will definitely create a new one.

Another type of triangle is created by a man who is accustomed to fighting emotional duels with another for a woman in the field of love. These men have a habit of getting involved with women who are married or dating someone else at the time of their acquaintance. The subject of the game is not the woman for whom the battle is going on, but the man from whom this woman must be “recaptured.” What makes such a man maintain a relationship with a woman is not interest in her, but the need to defeat the other. If he really wins and the woman gets to him, his passion for her suddenly disappears and the search for a new partner begins. His “new love” will most likely be married or involved with someone else.

Psychologists believe that the roots of such mania are in the Oedipal stage of childhood, at which a man’s development has stopped (it is normal for a five or six year old boy to be in love with his mother and in his imagination to take her away from his father). Men, the “tops of triangles,” continue to experience something similar when they become adults. They are patient with their wives if they have extramarital partners, since in such a situation they can fight for them and show their “fighting” qualities.

11. "Thrill seeker." Extramarital affairs of men of this type are associated with the desire (need) to experience hedonistic experiences in sexual relations with a new partner. Therefore, the seeker brings a special “fire” to his courtship of a woman. While many married men have some difficulty in finding new love, the seeker enjoys it. He lives for everything that the courtship period offers: uncertainty, risk, novelty, thrill. He feels confident and exudes excitement. The woman who is the object of his attention is rarely capable of resistance, as she feels that this will be a memorable connection.

Because the seeker is so confident, independent, and uncontrolled, his partners often fall in love with him, unaware that his new love interest is just a gamble. It's not that he's afraid of commitment as such, he just can't imagine life without romantic adventures. His desire for novelty and excitement overrides the need for intimacy and security and virtually guarantees the position of the leader in a situation of paradox of passion.

Most “seekers” end their next love adventures by marrying a new partner (some many times). They are not free from social stereotypes or the desire to have children and a wife, so they usually marry after learning a serious lesson about their balancing on the brink. But as soon as the “seeker” becomes too comfortable, betrayal is almost inevitable.

Being a confident, independent, charming person with spontaneity, a sense of humor and a competitive streak, the “seeker” most often suffers from an improperly cultivated sense of modesty. He tends to consider himself, in a certain sense, “above the law”: his own needs come first, and he does not always take into account how satisfying these needs can harm others.

Usually the “seeker” knows that he is walking on a knife’s edge and can fall at any moment, but the danger itself attracts him. It is because of this that he constantly exposes himself to fire, hoping to “get everything,” including a boost of courage from constant risk.

The feats of the “seeker” can be incredible. When his wife finally gets fed up and leaves, he may be overwhelmed by the feeling of emptiness that comes over him. The charm and courage that bring him great success in extramarital affairs may be destroyed by depression caused by the departure of his marital partner. This state continues until the seeker finds a new object for the next sexual adventure.

Of course, the typology of men and women prone to adultery is not limited to the options considered. In addition, in its “pure” form, each of the named types is rare, but based on the main features of a cheating marriage partner, one can classify him as one of them. It should also be borne in mind that the behavioral characteristics of cheating spouses were often formed long before they entered into any adult relationships with a member of the opposite sex. This was largely determined by their individual family history, which could make them insecure, intimidated and filled with negative feelings towards “all men” or “all women”, or they became victims of myths about male-female relationships.

The characteristics of the behavior of a spouse cheating on his marital partner in the family and outside it largely depend not only on the objective circumstances that provoke him to commit adultery, but also on a number of subjective conditions that can be considered as prerequisites for adultery. Among the conditions that can lead to betrayal, you should pay attention to the following factors:

Individual and personal qualities of a marriage partner;

The role of family in his life and his attitude towards it as a significant value for himself;

Specific reasons and motives that prompted the violation of marital fidelity;

The degree of emotional dependence on marital and extramarital partners, etc.

As evidenced by the practice of family counseling, there are 6 most common behavioral reactions in extramarital affairs:

1. " Gambling". The cheating spouse is interested in “getting” people of the opposite sex; As the number of victories increases, the sense of self-worth and worth increases. He makes short-term acquaintances without thinking about the possible consequences. However, in most cases, he is emotionally connected to his marriage partner. In such families, a cycle is often observed: betrayal - discovery - repentance - forgiveness - betrayal. The “player” is forced to stop in such a sexual marathon by the threat of a breakup, because he values ​​his family.

2. " The search for happiness." This pattern of extramarital behavior is more common among women who remain immature, dependent individuals. For them, the family serves only as a means of economic support. They perform their household duties reluctantly and carelessly. They choose serious partners as husbands and demand from them their full dedication for the good and material supply of the family. The level of sexual reactivity is usually low, and they use sex as a means of reward or punishment.

Hoping for family happiness, such a woman usually shows sufficient concern for the family at the beginning life together and during the period while the children are still small. When the children grow up and no longer need constant care, she begins to get bored and demands from her husband that he provide her with a “full life.” The husband, as a rule, does not understand what they want from him.

At this stage, the wife enters into extramarital affairs, and there is no talk of family breakdown until the opportunity arises to acquire a higher level material support or higher social status. When the fact of betrayal becomes obvious, the wife admits it, but blames her husband for the betrayal, not herself. However, an extramarital partner often eludes any commitment without serious intentions of starting a family.

This ending to a failed romance is presented as a sacrifice of oneself to the family and children. Sometimes a deceived husband loses emotional dependence on his wife, and she, feeling this, begins to fear that he might leave her. With this development of marital relations, her extramarital affair ends faster, and the search for happiness on the side temporarily stops.

3. "Gone and not released." A behavioral reaction of this type is characteristic of a spouse who accidentally cheats, most often a man. The husband does not want to leave his family and does not intend to maintain a casual extramarital affair. He understands that he allowed himself something unnecessary and therefore would like to get rid of it as soon as possible. If he manages to end an extramarital relationship without a scandal from his extra-family sexual partner, then his behavior in the family under the influence of remorse may even improve.

However, often a mistress is included in the game. What a man took for a fleeting relationship, considered an accident, can sometimes turn out to be a skillfully set trap for a new partner who is looking for a permanent partner or life partner. She herself tries to make sure that his wife finds out about the betrayal, in the hope that in this case he will be forced to leave the family. When the wife finds out about the betrayal, the husband is relieved and even tries to create a coalition with her against his extramarital partner.

4. The role behavior of an unfaithful spouse of this type can be conditionally described as « start of a new life». Here we are talking about creating a new marriage union. The initiator is looking for a new, “better” partner. Such behavior is typical in cases where a marriage that does not satisfy the spouses continues to be maintained for the sake of the children, although the children are already becoming independent.

This may also be a kind of manifestation of the “broken horse syndrome”, when a 45-50 year old man who has reached a stable social position decides to leave his aged wife and marry a young one in order to express himself sexually and also “get something from life” , until it's not too late. He wants to maintain a good relationship with his children, and regards his first marriage as an outdated working union. He projects the guilt for the breakup of the family onto his wife, believing that he himself fulfilled his family duty in full, tried to preserve the family as long as possible, and now has the moral right to be happy and “live the rest of his life for himself.”

5. Housewife behavior. This is a variant of impulsive behavioral reactions, more characteristic of a deceived spouse who loses control over his actions. Behaviorally, the cheating partner is almost no different from him.

Usually, these betrayals are based on fatigue from a marriage built on stereotypical relationships and with a degrading level of communication. Extramarital affairs in such cases are a pleasant change from home routine.

The deceived partner is usually more concerned with the problem of how to easily and quickly “capture” his spouse red-handed at the moment of meeting a new object of love affection. Therefore, he does not pay attention to recommendations and advice regarding saving the family, and creates “hell” at home for the cheating spouse.

Most often, wives find themselves in a similar situation, disgracing their husband at work, insulting him in front of their children, relatives and friends, trying to inform as many people as possible about his unseemly actions. Ultimately, such “showdowns” end in divorce.

6. "Solid game." This type of behavior is usually characteristic of emotionally and psychosocially mature individuals who, for various reasons, are not satisfied with intimate sexual relationships with their spouse. The reason may be a biological tendency towards promiscuity or a discrepancy between the desires of marriage partners in sex.

Most often, the husband experiences such dissatisfaction, which is why he is the one who has extramarital affairs. However, in relation to his marriage partner and his family, he behaves very seriously and responsibly. His betrayals are usually well-concealed, and he never admits them to anyone.

The “Solid Player” chooses an extramarital partner with a similar motivation, wanting the love-sexual game to be “solid” on both sides. In an extramarital affair, neither partner stoops to excessive emotional dependence on this union; both consider it only as an addition to a legal marriage, as “additional pleasure.” An extramarital affair, therefore, does not create problems for them in family life, in the performance of marital and parental functions.

Although sexuality is a definite goal for them, they observe moderation in everything so as not to harm the person with whom they are in a secret intimate relationship. If it is possible to keep extramarital affairs within certain limits, then a conflict situation can arise only when, as a result of some “accident,” the hidden relationship is discovered.

Along with the behavioral characteristics of partners in extramarital affairs, the reaction of the deceived spouse as soon as he learns the terrible secret about the betrayal becomes significant. The decision on the preservation or disintegration of the family depends on the nature of his reaction.

The news of a marriage partner's infidelity often leads to serious stress. In this case, both parties are subject to stress. But if the traitor seeks and quickly finds the necessary excuses, then the deceived party will face torment. A person in such a state does not find a place for himself for several days and can make a lot of mistakes.

Adultery is inextricably linked with the concept of “fear”. Both sides experience a feeling of fear. Lovers experience a kind of “technical” fear, afraid of being caught, but a strong sexual feeling extinguishes any unpleasant sensations.

The victim of betrayal experiences much greater torment: the soul begins to rush, thoughts do not find peace, nothing goes well, and often a sharp deterioration in well-being occurs. In a person with poor health, deep mental shock can provoke a heart attack or other persistent disorder of the physical state. Even a person who is spiritually and physically strong experiences enormous stress.

In each specific case, the reaction to betrayal will appear in the form of an experience that differs in its content, intensity, type, etc.

The experience of betrayal in terms of content is characterized by a predominance of cognitive, affective or behavioral reactions, as well as their various combinations.

Cognitive reactions are expressed in the desire to analyze the fact of betrayal, look for its cause and the culprit (I – he/she – rival), build a forecast of the situation, trace the background, that is, recreate the picture of the event. In acute cases, personal history is transferred to the general plan, overgrown with home-grown theories about morals, the historical roots of infidelity, male and female psychology, etc. Cognitive reactions are more pronounced in people of an asthenic type and intellectuals.

Affective reactions manifest themselves in the emotional experience of betrayal. The most characteristic emotions are despair, fear, anger, hatred and contempt for oneself and one's partner, feelings of inferiority, love and hope. Depending on the personality type, affective reactions can occur against the background of melancholic depression or angry agitation. The predominance of affective reactions is observed in persons of an artistic, hysterical-demonstrative and emotionally labile nature (accentuation).

Behavioral reactions appear in the form of struggle or refusal. The struggle is expressed in various attempts to restore relationships in any way, to keep a partner (request, persuasion, threats, pressure, blackmail), to eliminate an opponent, to make it difficult to meet with him, to attract attention to oneself through attempts to arouse pity and sympathy; sometimes coquetry is used. If you refuse to restore the relationship, the connection with your partner is severed or becomes distant and official.

According to the type of experience, the reactions of victims of betrayal can be passive (defensive) and active (aggressive).

At active reactions, characteristic of sthenic and extroverted personalities, the subject searches for the necessary information, openly expresses his feelings, strives to return his partner, competes with his opponent. This form of response to betrayal may also manifest itself as breaking off all relationships, stopping joint housekeeping and warning the unfaithful spouse about the inevitability of divorce if he does not immediately break off the extramarital affair. A partner who has little dependence on marriage can afford this. An aggressive approach forces the “traitor” to make a decision. If he still has a significant connection with his family and children, then such a formulation of the issue can lead to the termination of extramarital relations and a return to the family.

At passive reactions, characteristic of asthenic and introverted personalities, the subject does not make consistent attempts to influence relationships, reactions of jealousy occur on the internal plane. The betrayed partner ends the marital relationship only partially. He limits emotional expressions, as well as manifestations of love and affection, but continues joint housekeeping and sexual relations. The partner is given a long-term ultimatum: he must end the extramarital affair within a certain period (for example, one year). Conversations about the extramarital partner are stopped, and any information about him is ignored.

The intensity (depth and duration) of experiencing a situation of betrayal depends on a number of circumstances.

Firstly, the nature of the relationship with the marriage partner has a significant influence in this case. If betrayal occurs against the background of difficult and conflicting relationships, it is subjectively perceived as a natural consequence. In a prosperous marriage, unexpected news of infidelity leads to deep and acute feelings.

Secondly, the experience of betrayal also depends on how often similar situations have occurred in a person’s experience: people who experience betrayal for the first time experience the betrayal of a loved one the most difficult.

Third, adultery hurts the gullible and devoted person, for whom it differs from his ideas about the morality of relationships.

Fourth, emotional experiences become protracted if the situation is not resolved, the partner behaves contradictory, does not make a definite decision. For many people, a partner’s repentance and a frank explanation are very important.

Fifthly, the experience of the victim of betrayal is aggravated if third parties, interested parties, become aware of this, and they interfere in the course of events. The deceived spouse feels disgraced in the eyes of friends, acquaintances, neighbors and relatives. In addition, parents and close friends often get involved in family squabbles and offer their own, usually harsh, recipes for treating an extramarital “illness.” This does not resolve, but, on the contrary, further complicates and aggravates the situation, making extramarital affairs no longer an interpersonal, but a socio-psychological phenomenon.

However, most of all reactions to betrayal depend on emotional characteristics the identity of the deceived partner. The most common in such a situation are experiences of jealousy, which, on the one hand, are closely related to the feeling of love for a spouse, and on the other, to the fear of losing him. In turn, jealousy reactions depend on the strength of love and the depth of fear. The influence of undifferentiated fear is especially great, when the loss of a partner is perceived as the collapse of one’s entire life, even those areas that do not depend on the partner. It is not uncommon for deceived spouses, blinded by jealousy, to commit murder or suicide, beating and injuring their life partners as a means of compensating for the troubles caused by an unfaithful partner.

Reactions to betrayal largely depend on features of the psychology of gender.

Wives are psychologically more prepared for the possibility of their husband's infidelity. Probably, there is a strong influence of social stereotypes, according to which infidelity is perceived more as a male prank, a natural and completely normal phenomenon. A woman is also more ready to forgive infidelity if her husband broke up with his extramarital partner, due to practical reasons: she is afraid of losing her husband, and with him an established, familiar way of life. In addition, she strives to preserve her father for the children, since it is not yet known how he will behave towards them by creating a new family. Women are more likely than men to fear possible loneliness after the breakdown of a marital relationship. Therefore, they are more likely than men to experience mental pain caused by their spouse’s sexual infidelity.

The famous English cardiologist Miles remarked on this matter: “If I could wean husbands away from infidelity, the number of my patients would be reduced by half. And the production of tranquilizers, antidepressants and cardiac drugs could be halved.” At the same time, forgiveness is easier for a woman if she finds out that the unfaithful spouse did not experience any feelings for the seductress.

At the same time, women quite often display one surprising feature in their attitude towards betrayal. As soon as a wife notices that the family is collapsing, her love for her husband can quickly disappear and turn into hatred, and in such a situation it is easier for her to survive the death of an unfaithful spouse than for him to leave for another woman. The women themselves explain this by saying that when a person dies, it is a tragedy, and his loved ones experience grief and loss. When a person leaves your life, but continues to live and be healthy, you not only experience loss, acutely feel your loneliness, but also suffer from an offended sense of self-esteem, from humiliation, from the fact that someone else was chosen over you.

You need to have enormous willpower and true self-respect so that in such a situation you do not allow bad feelings to take over you, and do not descend into revenge. And women often take revenge, choosing the most sophisticated methods for this. In addition, the woman seeks to prove to the traitor that he has lost a lot in life by breaking up with her. Therefore, quite often, deceived women, to prove their exclusivity, make a stunning career and become very good, sometimes even the best specialists in their fields, secretly hoping that “he will hear about me and will terribly regret what he did.”

The reaction to adultery is somewhat different in men who experience the infidelity of their marriage partner more painfully. In general, a man is less suspicious and more careless than a woman, and therefore the emotional shock when receiving information about his wife’s infidelity is much stronger. Besides public opinion traditionally considers female infidelity a great sin. On a subconscious level, most husbands treat their wives as property and cannot tolerate the thought that someone else is using this property. Therefore, a fairly common reaction of men to their wife’s betrayal is apathy, depression, and domestic alcoholism. And men in creative professions have the same alcoholism, but also a frantic explosion of efficiency, the consequence of which is often the creation of real masterpieces.

Usually a deceived wife wants to get to know her rival, compare with her, and guess “what he saw in her.” The deceived husband, on the contrary, does everything to avoid being face to face with his wife's extramarital partner.

No matter how husbands and wives react to their spouse’s betrayal, it should be remembered that the appearance of an extramarital affair in any of them is not only marital destruction, but also a big family drama, as it leads to the collapse of the foundations of a person’s life. And it is very important in such a situation, under the influence of negative emotions, to accept correct solution about leaving family crisis.

Adultery, in addition to raising all negative emotions from the bottom of the human soul and leading to deep suffering, also changes the relationship between marriage partners.

Any change requires immediate answers to the question: what next? And, if a man cheated, it is usually a woman who decides this issue. A man can help her only by introducing some certainty, saying that this will not happen again, or that he loves another, or both, or simply leaves. But in any case, marital relations are disrupted, the family finds itself in a state of crisis. At the same time, men usually try to “play two pianos” longer. Women prefer to put an end to it right away in order to quickly resolve the family crisis.

Cheating as a crisis situation in a marriage can be resolved by restoring the partnership, lead to its disintegration, or remain unresolved. The last option is the most difficult both in terms of further preserving the integrity of the family and in terms of providing psychological assistance both the “victim” and the “guilty” party.

Most often, people are faced with two options for the development of events: divorce or maintaining the marriage.

Divorce is perhaps the first impulsive desire of a deceived woman, who finds it difficult to understand, accept, and even more so forgive her husband’s betrayal. But before making such a serious decision, you need to weigh everything and think through who will benefit from this, what will change in the life of each spouse as a result of the final destruction of the family? Getting a divorce is much easier than starting a family again, especially for a woman who, as a result of divorce, is most often left with children.

American psychologist and family specialist Gina Heinley offers the following purely practical advice to women who have experienced their husband’s infidelity.

1. Calmness. Treat the fact of betrayal as calmly as possible. In the life of every man, as a rule, sooner or later another woman appears, if only out of sporting interest. Therefore, one should not consider only oneself a victim of male deceit, since many women have been or are in a similar position.

2. Analyze the situation. You shouldn’t be too “principled” and set yourself a goal: to punish the infidel at all costs. The main task is not to destroy, but to preserve the family. Based on this, it makes sense to analyze your family life, because betrayal without reason occurs extremely rarely.

3. Develop tactics and try, through reasonable actions and deeds, to convince your husband that his girlfriend is not as good, and you are not as bad as he now thinks.

In addition, to restore a marital partnership, psychologists advise doing the following.

1. In communication: stop talking about betrayal, mutual evaluation and emotional displays, maintain only formal communication.

Naturally, hopes for the return of an unfaithful spouse are greater in cases where the psychological atmosphere in the house is calmer and more pleasant, and can compete with the atmosphere in the house of an extramarital partner. Especially after the initial, uncritical admiration has passed, and the extramarital affair enters the stage of realistic assessments. In cases where there is constant tension in the home, tears, endless criticism and reproaches that drive the unfaithful spouse out of the house, hopes for restoring the family are minimal.

3. In the household sector: clearly agree on issues of planning and distribution of the family budget.

4. In the area of ​​free time: establish open relationships, provide freedom, but distribute responsibilities among each other joint management household.

5. Regarding children: protect them from conflicts, and also determine who is responsible for what in their upbringing. The basic principle is the integrity of children. It is unacceptable to involve them in solving problems related to extramarital affairs of their parents.

7. IN interpersonal relationships : you need to press on what the husband fears most. Measures must be taken based on his age, contacts with his partner, level of education and culture, and many other circumstances that determine your family life. We need to talk calmly, try to understand each other, tell frankly what doesn’t suit us in the relationship, what needs to be done to prevent this from happening.

Calm should come on the note that everything will definitely turn for the better. Life itself is proof of this. There are millions of people and millions of married couples around, and a sea of ​​human passions and vices rages around them. But others live, therefore, receiving blows of fate, they cope with them.

6. On a personal level: distraction by something significant (study, caring for children, work, hobbies); developing a new way of looking at things, developing a morality of forgiveness, conscious control over reactions of jealousy; devaluing them among other values, life attitudes, changing lifestyles and forming other interpersonal connections.

Don't be afraid to suffer. The bitterness of resentment will pass over time, you need to wait it out. But not passively, crying into the pillow.

This pain must be endured. Find something you enjoy to do to push your worries into the background. Remember what fascinated you before, but never had enough time for it. Understand that the world cannot be covered with a patch of your unfulfilled destiny, scolded love or destroyed family. Remember, you live your own unique life. You have the power to ruin her, but you also have the power to make her complete and worthy.

When you go through the test of betrayal, when you go through life, stepping over a personal drama and not breaking down, there will be another reason for self-respect, no matter how hard and difficult it may be for you - with children, at work, in an empty bed. You see that life does not end, and maybe even begins for you. From a new page.

Naturally, we only touched on a few psychological aspects such a complex problem as adultery. For as long as humanity has existed, society has been dictating its own rules to people, which they never cease to violate in their own interests. And no public morality can change this “law of life.” Nevertheless, in any circumstances, a person should remember that family is an enduring value that must be treated with great care. It is in the family that people unite with each other in order to help each other and the society in which they live, improve, preserve and pass on love to their descendants.

Perhaps there is no test more severe for a family than the test of betrayal. Therefore, when getting married, we should remember that a marital union not only gives us the opportunity to be protected, confident in the future, in a reliable rear, but also gives us the opportunity to be a living, experiencing and feeling person. How to learn to live wisely, so as not to rashly renounce the first and not lose the second? The decision, the choice is up to each of us.

1. What is jealousy as a non-normative crisis in marital relationships? What are the main reasons for its appearance?

2. Name and give a psychological description of the main types of jealousy.

3. Describe adultery as one of the manifestations of a family crisis. Name the types of adultery and reveal their psychological content.

4. Highlight the main causes of adultery. What motivates men to cheat? What are the reasons and motives behind female infidelity?

5. List and reveal the psychological characteristics of personality types prone to extramarital affairs.

6. Describe the main reactions of a deceived partner to violations of marital fidelity.

Analyze the following situations and answer the questions

Situation 1.“The chosen one accepted signs of attention with dignity and politely thanked her. She looked like an angel: slender, blond, with soft features, a gentle smile, charming - the very embodiment of femininity.

The groom was also attractive. By the age of 26, he had achieved a lot: he graduated from college with honors, worked fruitfully, and earned the respect of his colleagues. Everyone called him lucky, but he considered himself the most unfortunate person. He fell in love with her and suffered and was jealous. I proposed a long time ago and was afraid of being rejected. He hated everyone who showed attention to his fiancee.

In general, history repeated itself. After all, two years ago he loved for the first time. He was going crazy with melancholy and was furiously jealous of the girl he knew. I had to break up with her. After some time, he met and fell in love with someone else, but jealousy did not give him peace here either.

And here is the third attempt. Marriage. Six months pass: he is still all on fire, wary, constantly looking after her, not letting her go one step away from him. She restrains herself and doesn’t show it, although in her heart she is outraged by her husband’s behavior.”

1. What type of jealousy are we talking about in the described situation?

2. Is it possible to say that this time a man’s attempt to start a family will be successful and he will stop being jealous of his chosen one?

Situation 2.“I can’t live, but I would really like to. Everything is so disgusting. I am 22 years old, I have two children – 6 years old and 4 years old. I got married at the age of 15, and my husband was 19. We lived with him for 7 months, and he was drafted into the army. I was 7 months pregnant and soon gave birth to a premature baby girl, 1600 grams. It was very difficult, but I got her out, and now she goes to a class for six-year-olds.

I promised my husband to wait for him faithfully and I kept my word. I thought about him all the time, I missed him and couldn’t distract myself with anything. It so happened that without any reason on my part, one guy became attached to me. I didn’t want any connection with him, and there wasn’t any. When my husband returned from the army, I told him about this episode and that I had kept my oath of fidelity. I don’t know whether my husband believed it or not, but he stayed with me. We lived another 5 years. Recently someone whispered to him that I told a lie and was unfaithful to him.

Now he doesn’t believe me, but believes unkind people. I have no other excuses. My husband doesn’t dare ask the guy who pestered me: he’s afraid of ridicule. It hurts me very much, because I love my husband and he loves me. But there is no life. My husband suffers from allegedly becoming a laughing stock, and I suffer from his distrust. I already tried to commit suicide and poisoned myself with pills. Was really serious condition, but the doctors left me. What to do, how to be, how to live? Leave your husband? But I can't live without him. Apart from him, I have no loved ones, I have no one to open my soul and consult with.”

1. What role did “well-wishers” play in causing discord in marital relationships?

2. Why do you think the husband believed strangers and not his wife? How should or should the wife and husband behave in this difficult situation?

3. Which spouse needs psychological help? What could you offer them?

Situation 3.“For two years after graduating from the institute, Nikolai lived in a small village. Managed a team of drillers. One day, when he got home, it was already late. The window in his corner apartment was glowing. “Did you forget to turn it off? - he thought. “Maybe?!” This “maybe” made him rush up to the second floor, press the bell button and freeze in anticipation. The door was opened by the wife.

- Tamara, is that you? I've arrived! – he joyfully twirled his wife.

At the table they talked about everything: about the exams she successfully passed, about her daughter who lives with her grandmother, about much more.

In the morning he rushed off to work at the crack of dawn. There was a lot to do before launching the well, and he threw himself into work. After the shift I went to the village. His workmates, with whom he studied at the institute, were standing near the bus stop. Tamara, who was on her way to meet her husband, was also approaching here from a nearby alley. And at this time, pretending that he had not noticed her, one of the “friends” shouted loudly: “Nikolai, what are you doing this evening?” The girls who visited yesterday came and invited me to come again. Shall we wave?

Nikolai knew his comrade well and was accustomed to his constant jokes. But now?

Nikolai looked anxiously at his wife: she stopped in indecision, then turned sharply and walked away. "Tamara!" - he shouted. But the wife did not look back. Nikolai rushed after her. I wanted to explain to my wife that this was a joke, but she walked further and further without turning her head or answering.

For several days Nikolai did not walk around like himself. Everyone in the village already knew about what had happened. Tamara was getting ready to leave. She did not believe either her husband or the words of her comrade, who came to apologize for his stupid prank. His words sounded too convincing. Moreover, Nikolai’s late arrival on the day of her arrival. Divorce, only divorce, Tamara decided. And she went to her parents.

This story ultimately ended happily. The true love of Tamara and Nikolai prevailed. A year later they explained themselves and made peace. But it could have been different..."

1. What type of jealousy are we talking about? What reason prompted the young woman to leave her husband?

2. Why was it difficult for Tamara to believe her husband’s arguments against the backdrop of his colleague’s cruel joke?

3. Do you think it’s possible to treat other people’s feelings so frivolously? How would you deal with the “joker” if a similar situation happened to you?

Situation 4.“A young man, who is not yet forty, willingly talks about his love affairs, without forgetting to accuse his wife of infidelity. And then, as if justifying himself, he nods to the whole world: this is what many people do. He reported that family life had been unsuccessful from the first days, he was easily carried away, there were frequent casual relationships, and he did not deny if his wife was accused of cheating. He looked after his wife's sister and niece. The wife tried to separate, but the children tied them up.

Recently I began to notice that a “suspicious” relationship had arisen between my wife and my neighbor (who was married). One evening, seeing from the apartment window a car drive into the courtyard of the house, he decided that his wife and a neighbor were there. But the wife who came home explained that she had arrived by taxi alone: ​​her husband became even more wary. A few days later he noticed that his wife and neighbor were leaving the entrance one after another; he regarded this as clear evidence of his assumptions. He began to look closely at his wife, once again did not let her leave the apartment, continued to check and “accumulate facts.”

One day a neighbor invited them to a family holiday. This inflamed the jealous man even more. He caused a scandal, went to his neighbor’s parents and told them about their son’s “immoral” behavior. In the conversation, he cited unconvincing facts that allegedly indicated his wife was cheating on him with a neighbor. He denied the possibility of error.

After a while, he stopped being jealous of his wife’s neighbor, but now he assumes that she has a “difficult” relationship with someone at work.”

1. What do you think is the reason for a man’s jealousy?

2. Will he be able to change in relation to his wife, limiting his wife’s contacts with the social environment?

Situation 5.“A married couple is at the reception. She is 25 years old, he is 27. They lived amicably, both were economical and caring. He was never jealous, always treated his wife with confidence, and rarely drank. Two years ago we moved to the city and settled with my husband’s sister. Soon he began to notice that his wife became less attentive to him and was “insincerely” talking to him. At the same time, he seems to be polite to his son-in-law, often going into the kitchen at the same time as him. The husband was consumed by the obsessive thought that his wife was close to her son-in-law, although there was no direct evidence of this. He began to secretly check her bed, linen, things, and came home from work at unexpected times in order to catch the “infidels” at the “crime scene.” I began to come home drunk more often. This, naturally, did not meet with support in the family. Quarrels began to arise, which led to a general cooling of the wife towards her husband. And he continued: he demanded explanations and confession of treason, started quarrels and scandals. He did not allow his wife to go into the kitchen alone; he stood next to her while she was washing clothes. Once, after a wild scene of jealousy, he drove his wife into hysterics and got a “confession” that she “liked” her son-in-law. Since then I have completely lost my peace.”

1. What, in your opinion, is the reason for your husband’s jealousy?

2. How should the wife have behaved in this situation? Should she have confessed to something that didn't really happen?

3. Has the husband’s attitude towards his wife changed after her confession? How could the relationship develop in a married couple if the wife did not confirm her husband’s suspicions?

4. What are the future life prospects for this married couple?

Situation 6.“I never thought that I would come to this - forgetting my pride, I would hunt down my own husband, run after him like a mongrel... One day I found two movie tickets from him. I immediately realized that he was not going to go there with me.

Before the session, I waylaid them. She turned out to be half my age. And he’s good – his beard is full of gray hair! We came almost face to face, but he simply didn’t notice me. He didn't see anything around except her...

We lived together for 18 years. What has happened over the years! We raised a daughter. I took care of his mother for two years when she was sick and did not get out of bed. But I also worked! She fell off her feet, but her mother-in-law was always well taken care of, fed, and washed. And now he doesn't need me. Closeness is only on holidays. I feel like I'm simply not in his life. It's impossible to believe it. How so? After all, he is mine, mine! And suddenly some strange girl!

It was not difficult to figure out where she worked. I went to her. I don’t know why, probably out of despair. We talked on the street. „You are young. Why do you need him? – I asked. – Look at him: he’s already turning grey, balding. In ten years he will be an old man. And you will find a young one. And in general, you can’t build happiness on other people’s bones.”

She just grinned: “Well, you can’t see your bones, on the contrary, it wouldn’t hurt to lose weight.” And I don’t need to sing about his old age. You know that he is quicker than the younger ones. And in general, why do you think that you have any rights to it? He’s not cheating on you, but on me, because he loves me, not you!”

I walked away from her, not seeing anything in front of me. I wanted to scream in pain - but what about me now? They have love, but where am I? Throw it in the trash?

1. What can you say about the behavior of each of the women who find themselves in difficult situation love triangle?

Situation 7.“My story couldn’t be more banal: me, my husband and... my mistress. I have never seen her in person and have no great desire to. I just know that it exists, and has been for a long time. For about five years he’s probably been breathing down my neck. It costs nothing to turn around and catch it. What for? Let it be. In material terms, I am a wealthy woman, my life is organized, my house is equipped, I have a dacha, a car, work, although not monetary, but for the soul. I’m not going to get a divorce, neither is my husband. We have children. And why give someone something that has long and unconditionally belonged only to our family? I'm not a cynic, I'm a normal, pragmatic woman...

Love has passed, what remains is affection and sober calculation: after forty there is no point in starting life over again and losing what you have acquired. My husband and I don’t have scandals; we respect everyone’s right to privacy. This is what family is. And love... I have not yet met a single married couple who could maintain this feeling in marriage for a long time. Show me a man who would not cheat on his wife. There are continuous love triangles all around..."

1. How do you feel about a woman’s views on marriage and her husband’s infidelity? Is she right that most families live this way?

2. Can we say that she managed to save her family, if not? emotional intimacy between spouses and only financial calculations keep them from divorce?

3. What are the prospects for such a marriage?

Situation 8.“My wife has long guessed that I am a “walker.” But she knew before that I would make a “walk” and return. Well, he’ll cry and calm down. But with Olga everything immediately went wrong. As they say, I have become deeply attached to it. We said goodbye forever twice, but we could only stand without each other for a month. Why don't I get a divorce? I love my wife. How so? But it turns out that this is what happens.

I remember when I was little, I kept asking my mother who she loved more - me or my brother Kostya. My mother showed me the fingers on her hand and said: “No matter how you cut it, it hurts the same!” So do I: leaving Olga is painful, leaving my wife is also painful, I don’t know which is more painful. I really feel sorry for my wife. They say pity is not love. And I think it’s even stronger than love.

I often imagine them together. My wife is quiet, silent, and Olga is lively and laughing. I have a secret dream that the three of us would live together, I would have enough strength and affection for both, and would not deprive anyone. But just give them a hint - that’s it, mortal insult, screaming, tears. Sometimes I regret that I am not a Muslim; if I lived somewhere in the East with two wives, I would not know grief.

Recently Olga told me that she was expecting a child and was not going to have an abortion. I thought and thought and finally decided to announce to my wife that I was leaving for Olga. I can’t leave my child orphan. While I was gathering my courage, my wife told me the good news: she was pregnant! It was like they hit me on the head with a log. I need to decide on something, but I can’t. I can't lose any of them."

1. Who do you think is most to blame for the current situation? Why?

2. What should a man do if he finds himself hostage to his frivolous attitude towards marriage?

3. What solution to the problem can you offer?

Situation 9.“When we started dating, I knew he was married. But I told myself: well, so be it, it’s not his fault that he met me so late. But when he is with me, he is only mine. And this watch is ours. What crazy hours it was! It’s just a pity that we didn’t meet as often as we would like. Before meeting him, I began to tremble with impatience - I wish I could come sooner, I wish I could hug him sooner! Sometimes it seemed like I just wouldn’t make it...

One day he returned from a business trip and gave me a bottle of French perfume. While he was in the shower, I looked into his briefcase. For what? I do not know. I probably wanted to see that part of his life that he so carefully hides from me. The case contained exactly the same bottle. This means that she and I will have the same smell. It’s very convenient - now she won’t catch him smelling of someone else’s perfume. And I felt so offended, so bitter! Why should I hide, hide? Why can’t I even call him when I want to hear his voice? He is my most beloved, closest person. But I have no hope that anything will change in our lives. He will never leave his wife. And for me, he always has a spare bottle of perfume in his case...”

1. What is the problem of a woman who falls in love with a married man?

2. Does she have any prospects for developing a relationship with him?

3. What could you offer her in this situation?

Situation 10.“I’ve been married for fifteen years and then I accidentally found out that my husband was cheating on me. I had my suspicions a long time ago, but I wasn’t sure until a friend recently admitted to me that she had known about everything for a long time. Naturally, I gave my husband a scandal, but he stubbornly denies everything. Should I, for the sake of saving my family, pretend that nothing happened and hope that he will come to his senses?”

1. How do you assess your husband’s behavior in this situation? Should he have confessed to adultery? Justify your answer.

2. Was the friend right in telling his wife that her husband was having an extramarital affair?

3. What way out of this situation could you offer your wife? Should she seek her husband's recognition? Does it make sense to pretend that nothing happened in the hope of ending your husband’s sexual affair on the side?

4. How do you think this couple's relationship might develop?

Situation 11.“My husband and I have lived together for almost twenty years, we have four children. Suddenly he confesses to me that a month ago, when he was on a business trip, he slept with someone else. I would never have guessed anything, but he himself admitted everything. He returned from the trip very depressed, as if he was guilty of something in front of me; I asked several times what was the matter, and finally he told me everything. Naturally, I was upset. He says that he didn’t think about anything like that, that “everything came out by itself” and, therefore, “it doesn’t mean anything.” Is he trying to calm me down with this? I don’t know, maybe I’m too old-fashioned and suspicious, but I feel insulted.”

1. What type of adultery are we talking about? How dangerous are they for marriage?

2. Did the husband do the right thing by admitting adultery to his wife?

3. Is a woman right who finds it difficult to understand her husband and forgive him for his sexual adventure? What could you recommend to her in this difficult situation for the family?

Situation 12.“My husband had a secret relationship for three years, until recently, returning from a trip, I discovered in our bedroom forgotten by his mistress bra, and on bed linen - dirty spots. He vowed to end all relations with this woman and is now trying to get closer to me again. But it’s difficult for me to overcome the mistrust that has arisen towards him. He says it’s time for me to stop punishing him for things that are in the past, that I just have to “forgive and forget.” Do you think he's right?

1. How does this adultery differ from the one described above?

2. Can a man be trusted to end his extramarital affairs so quickly after three years of love affairs?

3. How could you answer your wife to the question she asked? Is it possible, at the order or request of another person, to forget what is associated with adultery?

Situation 13.“I am nineteen years old now. I've been married for two years. I didn't get married out of great love. And my child is not from my husband, but from another guy who is “delaying his time.” I love him very much! When he was imprisoned, he said: “Your right to get married, live with whoever you want and how you want, but fulfill my request - save our child!”

I have a good, kind, smart, handsome husband. A cheerful, healthy, pretty daughter, but I cannot live in my family. I have everything: an apartment, money, a car. But there is no happiness!

I cheat on my husband, I often don’t spend the night at home. Every time I scold myself for this, but I can’t do it any other way. My husband is patient. If I come home drunk, he silently, without reproaches, undresses me and puts me to bed. You will probably judge me. You say: why did you marry someone you didn’t love? I don’t know... I called and I went. He loves me. Tell me, the reason for my unhappiness is cheating on my husband and family? No! This is out of despair, out of hatred for people. You will say that everything will be settled when your loved one is released from the colony. No, I cannot console myself with this, because he was sentenced to fifteen years.

I'm scared. I'm afraid of myself. That’s why I’m going to a company where I’ve already been dealt with for a long time. Explain how to live further? What to do? Help me find peace!”

1. What is the reason for the young woman's adultery? What is her main problem?

2. Is the husband doing the right thing by allowing his wife to lead such a lifestyle? Why does he forgive her all her antics?

3. Is it possible to justify a woman’s behavior by her personal life drama?

4. Who can help her find peace of mind? How justified is her reliance on others?

Situation 14.“When I was 9 years old, my mother married Andrei, and from that time I began to treat him as a friend and adviser, and not as a father. She always called him by his first name. Time passed, I was at school, and at home his relationship with his mother was excellent. He was 24, I was 13, and my mother was 32. And then, at 13, I first looked at Andrey as a man. And he began to understand this. Mom worked as a guide, leading excursions for foreigners around Vladivostok and Khabarovsk.

We lived near Khabarovsk. Me, mom, Andrei and sister Alenka (she is now 8 years old). Mom was often not at home, and one day, when she was not at home, something happened between us that was supposed to happen. I fell in love with Andrey and love him now as my first and only man. We lived like this for about a year. The mother, accordingly, began to guess. She got nervous and yelled at me and started drinking.

Now I am already 16 years old. Married 1 year and 8 months. Who is the husband? Former stepfather, ex-husband of mother. And I’m happy because I found a person truly loved. I’m already expecting a child, I have a husband, a sister, family comfort, but I don’t have a mother, because I renounced her when I left home.

I know it’s cruel to abandon a drunkard mother to her fate for her sake. ex-husband, and now mine. But I don’t and won’t regret it, my only sister and husband understand me. I love them, although it’s hard on my soul when I remember that somewhere you have a mother who was once just as beloved, and it becomes creepy...”

1. What is the main thing psychological problem that arose in this difficult family? Who is to blame for what happened? Justify your point of view.

2. Do you think it is necessary to change the attitude of family members towards the mother? What should each of them do to restore the mother’s peace of mind and the way of life that she led before the tragedy that happened to her?

3. What methods do you think would be effective when working with each member of this family?

Situation 15.“I have been married for twelve years, and last years Something is happening to me that can be called an “emotional connection.”

This is a connection with a married woman, and although we have never been physically intimate, we are very strongly attracted to each other. We talk on the phone every day, have lunch together several times a week, and our relationship is becoming closer. I love my wife, but we are too different people, we have different life principles and interests. I don’t want to get a divorce - it would hurt my wife, although my friend says she is ready to give up everything for me. Tell me, can such relationships be considered “ love story"even if we never touched each other?"

1. Does such an “emotional connection” between partners pose a danger to the marriage? What consequences could their close communication lead to?

2. You can call such a relationship between a married man and another woman adultery? Justify your answer.

3. What should a man do to avoid what he says is an unwanted divorce? What in his behavior indicates that he is internally ready for divorce?

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