The specifics of the spousal conflict. Causes of violation of family interaction

06.05.2019

Definition of the concept of "treason". In the dictionary of the Russian language by SI Ozhegov, the concept of "treason" is defined as "violation of fidelity to someone or something." The concept of "fidelity" in the same dictionary is considered as "steadfastness and invariability in their feelings, relationships, in the performance of duties, duty."

N.I. Oliferovich, T.A.Zinkevich-Kuzemkina, T.F. Velenta 1 believe that adultery (adultery, adultery, adultery) can be considered as the entry of a married person into sexual intercourse with persons from other married couples or with single men and women. Treason, according to the authors, can be both episodic and systematic.

A. Lippius understands adultery as a voluntary relationship with an extramarital partner, into which one of the spouses enters in secret. The author also highlights mandatory signs cheating: having sex with another partner; meetings must be secret; a prohibition on this by the marriage partner; an emotional connection is optional.

In foreign psychology, adultery is most often understood as the entry of two people into an extramarital relationship, which involves sexual intercourse and a mutual experience of deep love. According to W. Harley, relationships that include sex (usually very passionate) and the most true love, threaten the foundations of marriage due to the fact that people who have entered into an extramarital relationship feel genuine intimacy and satisfy in their new relationship at least one of the marital needs, which must be satisfied by the marriage partner.

It is important to note that some psychologists (I. N. Khmaruk, A. Lippius, V. M. Tseluiko and others) believe that such destructive forms of relations between spouses as threesome sex, group sex, and swingers can be considered adultery.

Thus, adultery is one of the types of marital destruction, a violation of the normal, healthy functioning of the marital system, which is, as a rule, a sign of marital disharmony.

Prevalence adultery among men and women in modern Russia. It is extremely difficult to give exact data on this phenomenon, but some idea of it can be gained from the results of the study by Yu.A. Vasina (Sokolova), conducted in 2010-2011. iodine by the guidance of the authors of this textbook in three age groups. So, in a group women 20-30 years old 6.7% of respondents have ever had extramarital affairs, and the overwhelming majority - 93.3% - have always been loyal to their husbands. In addition, 56.7% of women never had a desire to cheat on their spouse, and 83.3% would not go for an extramarital affair, despite the belief that the husband would not find out about it. Among men 20-30 years old 13.3% of the respondents cheated on their wives, and 53.3% of the respondents had never felt the desire to be with another woman.

In a group women 30-40 years old husbands were cheated on by 26.7% of respondents; 36.7% of women in this age group felt the desire and had the opportunity to enter into extramarital affairs. Among men aged 30-40 years wives were cheated on by 46.6% of the respondents. Revealed 76.6% of husbands who ever had a desire to enter into an extramarital relationship.

In a group women aged 40-50 years, 40% admitted the fact of treason to their husbands, the same number admit treason if they were sure that no one would know about it. 30% of women would remain faithful to their husbands no matter what. Among men aged 40-50 years wives were cheated on by 60%, while 23.3% of them do it quite often. 63.4% of men have felt the urge to have extramarital contact at some point in their lives.

Typology of adultery. In domestic and foreign psychology of the family, there are many types and typologies of treason.

So, M. Plzak and V. Muldworf allocate the following types adultery:

1) accidental extramarital contact, representing an isolated case, little associated with a specific person. It may be a consequence of a sexual need caused by forced sexual abstinence (separation or illness of one of the spouses), a manifestation of the need to prove to oneself his sexual capacity, or the result of the realization of an accidental opportunity. Accidental contact is not a consequence of sensory relationships and does not lead to them; this is a purely sexual fact. The following extreme variants of casual extramarital contacts are highlighted:

a single extramarital contact that took place quite by accident, under certain circumstances (meeting childhood friends, sex during a business trip or vacation at a resort, sharing alcohol, which led to a loss of control over one's behavior as a result of alcohol intoxication, etc.);

frequent extramarital contacts in an individual of a promiscuous type who easily changes sexual partners without having an erotic connection with them;

2) erotic-sexual adventures - extramarital sexual episodes in which sexual sophistication, a thirst for new sexual experiments and a desire for diversity play a special role.

Tenderness plays an essential role here. Such contacts are based on the mutual provision of subtle experiences, in which, among other things, the discovery of a new person is important. For a man, it is primarily about "opening the body" of a partner, for a woman, apparently, about opening the reaction of her body to a new partner. Erotic-sexual adventures are short, optional and leave memories of a certain episode and their own pleasure. They do not pose a danger to the conjugal union (for which respect is maintained) of each of the partners, rather, they are its complement.

Extramarital sex, single or repetitive, and erotic-sexual adventures are sometimes referred to as "situational short-term adultery." They should be distinguished from long-term adultery, designated as "extramarital affairs";

3) fornication characterized by a long duration and the emergence of an emotional connection. The personal qualities and emotionality of both partners are of great importance. Fornication can have the character of long-term, mainly sexual or love relationships. "Adapting" to legal marriage, such a relationship inevitably leads to the problems of the so-called double life.

Reasons for adultery. Adultery is usually associated with a variety of psychological, social, social, neurophysiological, emotional, intellectual and moral causes. In each individual case similar reasons are subjective in nature, determined by both various circumstances and the personal characteristics of the partners.

In Russia, the first attempt to elucidate the reasons for adultery was a study by Z. A. Gurevich and F. I. Grosser, conducted in the 1920s. XX century According to this study, men named the reasons for their extramarital affairs: separation from their wife (38%), hobby (25%) and dissatisfaction with family life (14%). Among the reasons for their betrayal, women noted: separation from their husbands (38%), dissatisfaction with family life (21%) and dissatisfaction with sexual relations with their husbands (17%).

The famous sociologist SI Golod, describing the reasons for adultery, noted that in the 60s. XX century, the overwhelming number of men motivated their extramarital sexual contacts by chance (67.6%) and the sexual unresponsiveness of their wives (21.6%). The author notes that, in fact, there is no difference between the named motives, we are talking about the realization of the need for relaxation. Love for another woman as a motive for their adultery was named by 8.1% of men.

By the end of the 80s. XX century the scale of motives for adultery has become not only more diverse, but also somewhat qualitatively different. Decreased significantly specific gravity casual contacts (43.8%), and, on the contrary, the number of references to love and erotica increased (14.6%). For example, in a certain part of mature (in the moral and aesthetic sense) men, emotional (erotic) values began to dominate over their physical ones. In addition, there were such reasons for adultery as avoiding loneliness (31.2%), physical (24.0%) and emotional (1.8%) dissatisfaction with the spouse.

No radical changes in the structure of motives for extramarital affairs were found in women over a 20-year study period. For example, although in the 1980s. “New” love was named as the basis for adultery more often (29.1%) than before (1960s - 22.2%), but the fluctuations turned out to be statistically insignificant. References to physical dissatisfaction with her husband remained the same (1960s - 28.8%; 1980s - 29.4%). The number of casual relationships among women has noticeably decreased (1960s - 41.7%; 1980s - 30%).

Among the first socio-psychological studies of the causes of adultery is the work of A. N. Volkova. The author attributes the following to the reasons for adultery.

1. New love- as a rule, such a reason for betrayal is typical for marriages in which initially there was little or no love: rational, rational or forced marriages based on profit, tradition, fear of loneliness or other motives.
2. Retribution- adultery based on the desire to avenge the spouse's infidelity in order to restore self-esteem.
3. Abused love - infidelity in marriages with non-reciprocal feelings. One of the spouses suffers from rejection of his love, irresponsibility of feelings. This encourages satisfying it in another partnership where reciprocity is possible. Sometimes the cheater himself does not like the new partner, but responds to his feelings, compassion for the unrequited person who loves him.
4. Searching for new love experiences- this type of cheating is typical for spouses with considerable experience life together, when feelings have already "faded", as well as in families with hedonistic morality, when everything possible is taken from life. This type of betrayal can be observed under the influence of foreign models of "beautiful life" as an imitation of sexual freedom.
5. Replenishment - with this type of betrayal, a person compensates for the lack of love relationships, which arises from prolonged separations, illness of the spouse and other restrictions on the fullness of love in marriage.
6. The total disintegration of the family - v this case treason is actually the creation of a new family, when the old one for one reason or another is perceived as unviable.
7. Random connection - as a rule, it is not characterized by regularity, it is provoked by certain circumstances (intoxication, opportunity, partner's persistence, etc.) 1.

We find another view of the causes of adultery in A. Lipnius. The author highlights the following reasons:

1) physical dissatisfaction married couples tners due to the difference between them sexual temperaments... This reason for adultery, according to A. Lippius, is the most common;
2) a coincidence of circumstances;
3) general fatigue from marriage, which is built on stereotypical relationships;
4) adultery out of a sense of respect for the illegitimate partner, admiration for him;
5) extramarital sex as a concession in business relationships. This often happens between people who work in the same institution and are in a position of subordination;
6) search for an eternal ideal. A man outside the family is looking for what he does not receive in the house. A woman also seeks her ideal in her lover;
7) sex in friendships. Friends of the opposite sex, often and for a long time communicating, begin to cross the boundaries that were initially established during contacts between people: they cease to be ashamed of each other, begin to exchange family secrets, obscene anecdotes, jokes;
8) sex gratitude, for example, for a service rendered, assistance in a difficult life situation, etc.;
9) revenge for treason or bad attitude of the marriage partner;
10) emotional alienation of spouses;
11) extramarital sex as a way to make money;
12) love for an illegitimate partner.

H. I. Oliferovich, T. A. Zinkevich-Kuzemkina and T. F. Velenta propose to consider the causes of adultery at the sin levels of functioning family system: individual, micro- and macro-systemic.

I. Individual characteristics marriage partners:

- violation of the sex-role identity of a marriage partner, forcing him to prove his masculinity (femininity) by engaging in as many sexual relationships as possible;
- the pathocharacterological personality traits of the spouses (for example, the fear of being absorbed in a marriage partner with a schizoid organization, prompting them to enter into extramarital affairs, thus regulating the psychological distance in the marital subsystem).
2. Microsystem factors:
- - violation matrimonial relations;
- - marital incompatibility (primarily sexual);
- - lack of emotional closeness between spouses;
- - cooling of feelings in marriage;
- - revenge of one partner to another for the suffering caused;
- - absence mutual feelings in marriage (an attempt by a loving but rejected partner to compensate for a lack of love in marriage);
- - disappointment of spouses in each other;

sexual abstinence of a marriage partner associated with the spouse's illness, his long absence, etc.

3. Macrosystem factors:
- - updating family scenarios;
- - transgenerational messages (for example, a woman who remains faithful to her husband all her life and displaces sexual desires in relation to other men, may in various ways support cheating or promiscuous behavior in his daughter).

The factors are also highlighted, accompanying adultery: inadequate motivation for marriage; the routine of marriage; chemical dependence of one of the partners; a big age difference between the spouses; low material wealth of the family; lack of joint leisure; a large amount of free time for one of the partners.

In foreign psychology, of interest is a study conducted by a Czech sociologist, an expert on family and marriage problems K. Vitek 1 (1988), who identified the causes of adultery depending on the characteristics of the relationship in a married couple:

1) spouses different reasons do not fit each other (differences in temperament and sexual activity, inconsistency of ideas, views, needs, i.e., dissimilarity of personalities);
2) personal indiscipline, moral licentiousness, rudeness, selfishness, desire for change, dissatisfaction caused by the inability to cope with the everyday life of relationships;
3) temporary impossibility intimate contacts with a spouse due to illness or prolonged separation, if the partner is deprived of self-discipline;
4) the feelings of the spouses are not strong enough - in this regard, each meeting with a person of the opposite sex who is not bound by strong family ties or adheres to free views on sexual relations becomes "dangerous".

In addition, the scientist highlights the circumstances conducive to adultery: acquaintance with a person with whom a mutual understanding is established, which is lacking in marriage; cooperative activity, common interests men and women; having a lot of free time; alcohol; happening; an irresistible attraction that has arisen; orientation towards finding another partner.

Ultimately K. Witek notes that there are often several reasons for infidelity. Usually they pay attention to the obvious reason: alcoholism, rudeness, etc. However, according to the author, most often we are talking about latent antagonism caused by certain mismatches in the characters of people.

In addition to the reasons for treason, in foreign psychology, typologies of individuals with a tendency to extramarital affairs are highlighted. In particular, B. Muldworf 1(1973) suggests considering the following types:

Men:

1. Don Juan: an immature person who first of all wants to be liked and experiences narcissistic satisfaction from betrayal.
2. Libertine, or "catcher of women»: These are men of a promiscuous type, whose extramarital sexual activity stems either from the need for change, diversity, or from the idea that masculinity is proved by a large number of sexual victories.
3. Always dissatisfied ', He is constantly looking for love, but he has no permanent emotional ties with any woman.

Women:

1. Temptress", wants to love and have fans, for which she uses sex, but her actual desire for sexual intercourse, as a rule, is small.
2. Adventurer ', looking for short-term sexual episodes with the least possible involvement of feelings, and at home it good wife and mother. Loves her husband, but sexually does not find a common language with him. She chooses her adventure partner herself; strives for sexual experiences that she lacks in family life.
3. Defenseless: incapable of refusal, including for the reason that a man's sexual desire immediately evokes a reciprocal feeling in her. Has a low threshold of sexual excitability, she does not show initiative, finds satisfaction, humbly giving himself over to the power of a partner; cannot resist, because he is "stronger".
4. Unsatisfied: cannot find satisfaction in anything - not in her husband, not in work, not in friends. Doubts about the correct choice of a partner, even when he has enough with him long-term relationship... Easily falls in love with someone who is usually overestimated. V love affairs often feels guilty and quickly becomes unbearable.

Influence of adultery on marriage. There are two points of view on the problem of the influence of adultery on marriage. Some psychologists note that adultery threatens the integrity of the family: it affects its important foundations - marital feelings; destroys household, economic, leisure and other relationships; accompanied by the experience of jealousy, which introduces deep affects into the family drama, destructive in themselves. The consequences of infidelity affect the entire family as a whole, despite the fact that it occurs in the conjugal dyad. Not only marital, but also parent-child relationships can be violated, which manifests itself in the emergence of various structural disorders of the family, such as intergenerational coalitions, an inverted hierarchy, and role inversions. Other scholars believe that adultery can provide some benefits to the marriage union, allows to maintain a dying marital relationship, "heals" them. By Sedlacek(1980), hidden accidental adultery, erotic adventures, or well-conspired extramarital affairs that are well thought out and calm should not harm the marriage in any way and may ultimately even contribute to its "relief" and maturity. However, it is sometimes very difficult to keep secret an extramarital affair, and the disclosure of infidelity often leads to complications 1.

The problem of forgiveness in marital relationships. In the domestic psychology of the family, the topic of forgiveness, as well as in psychological science in general, has not been sufficiently developed.

L.B.Schneider notes that for psychology family relations solving this problem is very important. Forgiving, a person makes a decision:

give up negative thoughts, emotions, behavioral manifestations in relation to the offender;
encourage positive thoughts, emotions and manifestations of behavior in relation to this offender 2.

In foreign psychology, more attention is paid to the study of this problem. So, R. Enright ( 1991) developed a theoretical model of forgiveness as a particular application to the phenomenon of mercy, based on the premise of the lack of comprehensive certainty in the interpretation of justice in different people and whether they have significant differences 3. Table 3.2 shows the stages of justice and forgiveness, highlighted R. Enright .. Many of the provisions, especially in describing the stages of forgiveness, can be applied in a marital relationship.

Table 3.2

Stages of development of justice and forgiveness

Subsequence	Stages of justice	The stages of forgiveness
	Orientation towards punishment and submission."I believe that justice should be established by authorities who can resort to punishment."	Vengeful forgiveness. "I will forgive my offender if I take revenge on him equally."
	Relative fairness.“I have a feeling of reciprocity towards you. But based on my own understanding of justice, I believe that if you help me, then I will help you. "	Indemnifying, or compensating, forgiveness.“If I return what I have lost, then I will forgive. If I feel ashamed for not can forgive, I will forgive, so that shame does not torment me "
	Good boy / girl justice.“I believe that group agreement (consensus) should determine what is right and what is wrong. I will do what will be approved by others "	Awaiting forgiveness.“I can forgive if others put pressure on me. It's easier to forgive when other people expect it. "

1 For details, see: Kratokhvil S. Psychotherapy of family and sexual disharmony.
2 Schneider L.B. The psychology of family relationships.
3 For details, see: Yanchuk V.A. An introduction to modern social psychology. Mi. : ACAP, 2005.

The end of the table. 3.2

Subsequence	Stages of justice	The stages of forgiveness
	Fairness of law and order.“Social laws are my criteria for fairness. I support laws for an orderly society. "	The expected legitimacy of forgiveness."I forgive if my religion requires it." This is ns forgiveness, similar to the second stage: "I forgive so that shame ns torments me."
	Focus on the social contract. "I AM I take an interest in what creates society, but I understand that there are unjust laws. Thus, I am aware that we need to act to change the system. "	Forgiveness as social harmony."I forgive when it helps to establish harmony in relationships with society." In this case, forgiveness is one of the ways to control society; this is the way to maintain peaceful relations
	Orientation to universal ethical principles.“My sense of justice is based on the preservation of the individual rights of all people. Rather, it is my consciousness, not the laws, that determine what I will do in case of doubt. "	Forgiveness is like love. "I AM I forgive unconditionally, as it contributes to a true feeling of love. This type of relationship opens up the possibility of reconciliation and closes the door for revenge. " In this case, forgiveness does not depend on the social context, as in the fifth stage. The forgiver does not control others, forgiving, he lets them go

Training “Family. Family life crises. Family conflicts "

Purpose: To reveal the concepts of "family", "conflict", "crises of family life." Formation and development of skills of constructive behavior in conflict situations.

Objectives: To learn to understand the causes of conflicts and crises in family life, their positive and negative consequences;

Determine your own style of behavior in conflict situations ("I am in conflict");

Learn to constructively resolve a conflict in which both sides win;

Time:

Progress:

1 Ex. "Hand" (10 min.)

Purpose: acquaintance of the participants, creation of a friendly and working atmosphere in the group.

Handouts: sheets of paper, scotch tape.

Introduction (5 min):

Since our professional activity is related to providing assistance, working with families and children, and we ourselves have families, it should be noted that the importance of the family in the life of every person can hardly be overestimated. The family gives us support, support, warmth, communication skills, the first lessons of love. It helps us develop character, teaches us to overcome difficulties, etc. And the more prosperous the family, the more attention is paid to each family member and child, including the more confident person will feel in life, the better our society will become. By far the most important role parents play in the life of every child. Children imitate them, they want to be like them. For the formation and development of a child's personality, an important role is played not only by his relationship with his parents, but also by the way parents relate to each other. Since it is in childhood that the model of the future family life is formed. Looking at the attitude of parents to each other, the girl creates an ideal model of her own future family. Of course, over time, this ideal model will change, but only some of its features will change, and the essence will remain the same. An interesting fact is that quite often girls who grew up in prosperous families, marry men similar to their fathers, and not only in character, but also in appearance. That is why it is so important to learn to understand and maintain family relationships, to understand the causes of conflicts and crises in family life, to learn to constructively resolve the conflict. Happy is he who is happy at home.

Information block:

What do you think is a family? - discussion -

A family - this is one of the basic institutions of people. In other words, a family is people united by family ties or marriage, living together. Also, the family is the greatest value in the life of most people. For a child, the family is precisely the environment in which his psychology, his character and, at the same time, his future take shape.

According to research by sociologists and family counselors - psychotherapists, each family goes through several stages of development, and the transition from one to another, as a rule, is accompanied bycrisis. It is generally accepted that domestic difficulties primarily lead to complications in family life. But, besides everyday life, there are many reasons that can provoke a crisis in the family, at any stage of its existence. Firstly, problems in family life can begin when one of the spouses is going through his own psychological crisis, difficulties at work, problems in relationships with relatives, a change in financial situation (both in the direction of its deterioration and in the direction of improvement), moving families to another city or country. And, of course, more serious stressors - serious illnesses, death, job loss, birth of handicapped children ... Crises of family life are one of the components normal development families. Conventionally, all existing crises of family life are considered as two variants of crises:Development crisis ... These are crises that arise predictably throughout life and on different stages family development (birth of a child, marriage, growing up of children, etc.);

Situation crisis ... Most crises fall into this category and are unpredictable stressors (job loss, divorce, conflicts, etc.);

The emergence of a family is a stage conventionally called "pre - family".

Formation of a family (formation of a single psychological and spiritual space).

The birth of the family itself in its ramified structure (the union of two generations of the older and younger).

Growing up of children and separation of generations.

Separation of children from the parental family.

Repetition of the cycle.

The family, as a living organism, has its own periods of childhood, adolescence, prosperity, disease, aging and decay. The transition from one period to another is often associated with the appearance of contradictions in the relationship between husband and wife and, as a result, can lead to crises in family life. The paradox is that the crises of family life are more painful if the family arose on the basis of passionate love and, conversely, calmly and almost imperceptibly, if the creation of a marriage union was dictated by purely business considerations.

The first crisis period is associated with a change in the image of a partner, namely, with a decrease in his psychological status. If at the beginning of family life he or she seemed "the best", then during the crisis there comes a moment when the shortcomings of a loved one come to the fore. Family life, like a pendulum, at the beginning of life deviated to the positive pole (positive exaggeration), and then sharply rushed to the negative pole (negative exaggeration).

Resolution: Couples are constructively going through crises in family life, who stop criticizing each other and move to an average, balanced state, calmly highlighting both the advantages and disadvantages of each other. At the same time, they place the emphasis in their relationship on the merits.

The second crisis period is psychological fatigue from each other, gravitation towards freshness and novelty in relationships. Often, this period is especially acute for men.

Resolution: This crisis of family life is less painful for those families in which "the leash is weakening" - the conditions for relative freedom and independence of each other are mutually recognized, as well as where both begin to look for ways to renew their relationship.

The third crisis period is the birth of a child. Usually it is hard for both men and women. But men get a lot of suffering in the first year after the birth of a child, and a woman in the second. Men often say that in their first year they have a lot of fear and anxiety for the family, the wife loses her ability to work and all the financial burden of responsibility falls on the man, this is a very tense situation. At this moment, the woman is almost unable to support her husband; she devotes herself entirely to the child. The second year of a child's life is very difficult for a wife. She was at home for a long time, her whole life was a feeding schedule. Here a woman has doubts about whether her husband is still interested in her, and whether she is worth anything else as a specialist.

Resolution: Usually those families survive where the husband and wife do not stop talking to each other. During this period, the husband and wife have very different tasks and they live, as they say “about different things,” besides, they are completely absorbed in their business.

The fourth crisis period - Usually it is distinguished by all psychologists and not even psychologists. This is a family age of seven. Usually the crisis of this period is associated with boredom in family life, but if you think about it, the young family still has nothing to be bored of. The husband is at the top of his career, the wife continues her professional path, the child is growing rapidly and pleases the parents with daily “news of growth”. The thing is that at the age of seven, children usually go to school in a family. What does it mean? And, this means that for the first time a young family will have to show the world what they have raised. This is the time of the first exams for the child, and the child is the fruit of the union.

Resolution: Also remember about idealization / depreciation. Our child may not be better than the others, but certainly not worse. Usually the world accepts children well, the main thing is that parents do not create additional stress.

Fifth Crisis Period - This is a crisis in family life when a child turns into a teenager. The first stage in the separation of the child from the family, at first it is only the separation of opinion. For a teenager, there are authorities in addition to his parents. The family can perceive this period as the collapse of the family, for a man and a woman this is something new - the child brings into the house some other opinions and views.

Resolution: Paradoxically, the family will grow stronger if it loosens its borders a little. it wonderful period when you can test the family for the strength of the fact that it does not collapse under the influence of the new, the new that the child brings to the family.

The sixth crisis period - This is the moment when the family again becomes of two people, the children leave the house. Rather, it would be more correct to write about distance. The child does not leave the family, the parental family always remains a refuge for him, he can always return there. This is usually the most difficult period for the family. Many couples break up when the couple is forty. Usually difficult for both women and men. Life practically has to be redrawn anew, to look for new meanings in it. Men are attracted to young women in the hope of once again going through the cycle from starting a family to leaving children, women often pay more attention to their careers. Relationships at this stage are sometimes understood as exhausted, mission accomplished.

Resolution: Usually helps to learn again, to have fun.

Exercise "Director"

Purpose: reflection of the passed material.

Instructions: you need to make a film about a family that is going through one of the crisis in the relationship. Scriptwriters - write a short script (scene), hand it over to the Director, who assigns roles and chooses actors, Actors act out the scene. Discussion (what is the conflict, what crisis period did you show)

Toolkit: paper pen

Exercise "Theater KABUKA"

Purpose: team building, tuning for further work.

Instructions: divided into 2 teams, the game is like a Rock-paper-scissors, only here there is a princess - beats a samurai, a dragon - beats a princess and a samurai - beats a dragon; the participants confer on a count of three, and when they clap, they show any role we play until the count is 3.

Information block:

TO conflict [lat. conflictus- clash] - a clash of opposing goals, interests, positions, opinions or views of opponents or subjects of interaction. At the heart of any K. is the situation.

Exercise "Trait"

Purpose: to identify the types of conflict

The instruction is drawn an invisible line and the group is asked the question Conflict - is it good or bad? Discussion (highlight constructive and destructive conflicts)

Exercise "Iceberg"

Purpose: determination of a way out of conflict situations by brainstorming

Toolkit: Whatman, marker

Instruction: You are the navigator, the captain of the ship, you meet an iceberg on your way. What will you do? (writing down - discussing)

Ways to get out of conflict situations

The basic methods of conflict resolution are not so difficult - and this is for all their very high efficiency! And most importantly (this is a paradox!) - most of them must be applied when everything is calm and does not even smell of any quarrel. Simply put, these methods should become the norm of behavior. And then many conflicts in the family simply will not arise! So, let's go in order: what should be done and how should one behave so that family storms do not disturb your home? And if there is a fight, how do you ensure that it does not harm your relationship? (methods of behavior in conflict situations)

Show interest in your spouse - Remember - it will be very difficult for someone who is only interested in their own problems to communicate with people, and with their spouse in the first place. Understanding the other person significantly reduces the possibility of aggression on his part.

Learn to listen - Listen to each other, and then you will understand each other better. Then you will be able to avoid many conflicts, because mutual understanding is one of the most reliable ways to resolve conflicts.

Put yourself in your partner's shoes - Each of us sees this or that controversial issue from our point of view. And very often the conflict arises precisely because we attribute our vision of the problem to our partner. Not considering at the same time that he may perceive what is happening in a different way.

Do not abuse criticism, do not remember the past - Conflicts in the family and ways to resolve them can be different, invariably only one thing: during a quarrel, it is necessary to discuss only those things that are directly related to this problem. This will help you avoid even bigger problems.

Cool it down! A few minutes of deep breathing works wonders. - do not rush to give up or achieve victory at any cost, this will give you the opportunity to calm down and look at the problem in a different way.

Learn to admit mistakes and forgive - do not drive yourself into a trap and forgive each other. Goodbye and move on.

Make a compromise - It would be very wise of you to take the first step towards finding a compromise. This will not humiliate you in the eyes of your spouse. On the contrary, such a step on your part may even induce him to take the next step towards a compromise.

Smile! - The friendliness and goodwill of one person causes a similar reaction from another, relieving tension. This will allow you to resolve the disagreement that has arisen, avoiding a quarrel.

So, the main methods of conflict resolution:

- Avoid insults

- stay calm

- Retire

- Speak one at a time

- Come up with a brake light

- Take responsibility for the quarrel

- First feed your husband, and then sort things out

- Visit

Exercise "Napkin"

Purpose: to show in practice the destructive power of conflicts in the family, and the main reason for their occurrence

Inventory: napkins

Instructions: We distribute napkins, follow the instructions (like a snowflake), tear the edges, open the napkin, discuss the result: Is it possible to return the napkin to its previous appearance? Why was the result different when performing the instructions of the leader? Conclusion - everyone sees the situation in his own way, it is necessary to adhere to the rules of behavior in conflict situations so as not to cause irreparable harm to the relationship.

Conflicts in the family, although common, do not affect relationships very well. So try to avoid them. And remember: your relationship can bring you more happiness than you think. Believe me, no matter how bored you are with your loved ones and whatever happens, they are the first people who will come to your aid, warm you and share the failure with you. It is enough to do one and very clear question: “Who needs you on this earth besides your relatives ? ". Always find mutual language... And you will see how the family becomes stronger, united, especially since all the troubles of life, it is better to overcome all together. Love, every person in the family. Appreciate the time you spend with them. Respect them for who they are. It is clear and understandable that there are no ideal people. But if you do not concentrate on the negative character traits of your family members. Then you can find a lot of positive traits

Farewell exercise

- a soft toy is given to the team with wishes.

When discussing the developmental situation of the child, some specialists discount the nature of the marital relationship, as if they had nothing to do with the mental state of children. However, children and their parents do not live separated by an impenetrable partition. The behavior of the father and mother in relation to each other is the same reality as the attitude of the parents to the child.

The main types of violations

family relationships.

Comprehending what is happening around him, the child peers and thoughtfully listens not only to what the parents demonstrate to him, but also to what they probably would like to hide from a sensitive child's soul. It is no exaggeration to say that the relationship between husband and wife has a tremendous impact on the development of the child's personality. And the point here is not only that the quarreling parents do not create in the family the warm, welcoming and safe atmosphere necessary for the child, or that the quarreling parents do not pay due attention to the upbringing of children, that their demands are fickle, unreasonable and accidental, but also in their originality the child's perception of human relationships.

There are no families without conflicts, in each at least occasionally, but there is dissatisfaction with marriage. It is natural. Contradictions drive change, seeking more satisfying relationships. In general, they are the engine of the family's progress. However, it is not uncommon for unresolved problems to take root, because they turn a blind eye to them, ignore them, and mask them both from themselves and from others. The illusion arises that if you pretend that everything is fine, the problems will disappear by themselves. Latent friction in family relationships over time wears them out more and more and harms both the spouses themselves and their children - problems need to be solved, not kept behind the façade of family well-being painted in festive colors.

Speaking about violations of relationships in the family, several main types can be distinguished, however, it must be borne in mind that any boundaries in such difficult question will always remain very conditional, and hardly anyone will dare to say that this family, of course, belongs to the fifth point of the classification presented below.

Rivalry. Each of us has met such families. The main question in them is: who is in charge? This question may never be asked or asked directly. Its "realization" takes place in various and extremely changeable forms, starting from the feuilleton: "Who will wash the dishes?" to the tragic: "Who is to blame for his (or her) death?"

The life of such a family is a constant competition. The husband seeks to earn money not so much in order to raise the well-being of the family, but in order to prove that he is the “main breadwinner” and therefore has the right to a number of material and moral privileges. A wife can “assert herself” to the detriment of family interests, be painfully jealous or have affairs on the side (again, not for her own pleasure, but to show that she is also not bastard). Children quickly join the competition. They reclaim their place under the sun in all ways available to them. It is in such families that "sickly" and "nervous" children very often grow up, who, due to their sickness, win in the struggle for the mother's attention. If there are several children, then it is in such families that the normal level of competition between brothers and sisters rises to the skies, and rivalry itself acquires hypertrophied, pathological features. It is here that the older child begins to poop in his pants again at the birth of the younger one, and at an older age he says, mysteriously lowering his voice: "I want him not to be!"

Pseudo-collaboration. In such families, everything is fine, as long as everything is fine. If all family members have a good job, the level of well-being is high enough and everyone is more or less healthy, then the life of such a family is quite stable and prosperous. Everyone is happy with each other, demonstrating a fairly high level of mutual understanding and cooperation in solving various current problems and situations. There are practically no internal conflicts and tensions in this family, and it can exist for years without a single serious quarrel or scandal.

But if, due to some events from the outside, the family boat suddenly staggered and tilted, the members of such a family, instead of rallying among themselves and repelling the approaching danger together, suddenly begin to quarrel, accuse each other and this, naturally, aggravate the situation that has arisen. It is in such families that a serious illness of a child or one of the family members often leads to divorce. It is here that the stress of losing a job or otherwise lowering social status is exacerbated by ridicule and rejection from loved ones. It is here that the main defensive structure is the fortress wall, which fences off the stability of such a family from outside world... Such a family has no internal fortifications and bastions. If the outer wall has collapsed, there is nothing to hope for. Children in such families are at great risk of neuropsychiatric disorders. So far so good, the family seems to them a model of love, calmness and stability. When suddenly everything collapses overnight, they cannot understand anything, the mechanisms psychological protection they are poorly formed, and as a result, they either get sick or become imbued with the confidence that the world is senselessly cruel and no one can believe in it.

Insulation. The life of such a family is a matter of boundaries. All problems are solved by the fact that each family member has built his own individual psychological cocoon and now jealously protects its integrity. The myths of such a family are stories about the value of individuality, about the inadmissibility of interference in a person's private life, about respect for individual rights. During conflicts in such families, phrases are often heard:

- Do not meddle in my life! What do you care about me! I am entitled to ...!

Conflicts, naturally, occur when these very boundaries are accidentally or deliberately violated. A very difficult test for such families is the adolescence of children. WITH early years accustomed to isolation, insincerity of relations, or even simply lying children during their adolescence, as it were, "take revenge" on their parents, showing them an exaggerated version of their own behavior, not yet softened by intellectual and social maturity.

Emotional alienation. Such a family often looks completely prosperous to strangers. Family members cooperate quite satisfactorily with each other, rally and unite efforts in the face of a common danger, are constructive and consistent in raising children. They almost never have marital scandals or sharp conflicts with the older generation. But all this is happening against the background of a kind of constant decline emotional background... A wife in such a family to the question: "Do you love your husband?" - usually answers: "I respect him" or "He is a good man." The husband usually has constant mistress, and, as a rule, this is not so much a partner for sexual games or an object of increasing prestige, as a friend, a person with whom you can talk about what is going on in the soul. The wife usually uses her classmates or neighbors for the same purposes.

Children in such families, as a rule, grow up without serious social deviations, respecting the law and external decency, and without having any clear moral principles. In the future, they create their families according to the same scheme that was observed in the parental family. Convincing them that something else is possible is extremely difficult. Usually such children do not believe in "true friendship" and "eternal love", they consider all this to be fairy tales invented for entertainment.

Symbiotic families. In these families, the relationship of close psychological fusion and symbiosis comes to the fore. Someone absolutely cannot live without someone, sacrificing (usually, completely voluntarily) a part of their personality to create this "unity". Very often, such a picture is observed in single-parent families, where the mother, having given up her personal life, completely dissolves in her children (child). At the same time, a small child literally bathes in love and acceptance, but, growing up, begins to be burdened by dependence on his mother. Further events can develop in different ways. The child can "jerk", freeing himself, but at the same time, leaving a bleeding wound in the soul of the mother, who literally gave him her whole life, and a sucking feeling of guilt in own soul... Or he can give up the idea of being "so cruel", while at the same time giving up his own further individualization. Such a son, already having his own family, will bring his wife, postponing the decision critical issues before figuring out "what mom will say." Such a daughter will be surprised to observe the most tense relationship between her husband and his mother-in-law, not realizing that she looks at most of the things and people around her (including her own husband!) Through the eyes of her mother.

Sometimes (much less often) symbiotic relationships are observed in married couples. If they satisfy only one of the spouses, then, as a rule, they end in divorce. If the symbiosis is two-sided, then outside observers are amazed to see the very “ideal love” that they like to write about in novels. Communicating with such a couple is usually unbearably boring, since they are emotionally monotonous and closed to each other. Children in such families often feel emotionally deprived.

However, later, having matured, these same children for a long time (and often unsuccessfully) wait or look for their "princes" and "princesses", stubbornly believing in all kinds of " Scarlet Sails"And sincerely enjoying the love collisions of soap operas.

Hyperprotective families. In this type of family, one of the family members (usually a child, but there are other options) enjoys completely unlimited rights and claims the lion's share of benefits and attention. This position may have rational explanations: “He is still small,” “He is seriously ill,” “He works a lot,” or there may not be any explanation at all. In addition, the situation may persist and the explanations change.

The following is indicative example... When a child was born in one family, all forces and capabilities were thrown into meeting his needs. Four adults literally lost their temper, so as not to miss any desire of the baby. In response to the reproaches of others: "You will spoil him so!" - the parents smiled wisely and answered: "Little children need to be loved!" At the age of five before healthy child suffered severe mononucleosis. After that, all the family's efforts were thrown into the rehabilitation program. The explanation now sounded like this: "We have a sick child!" Then the child went to school, where it was difficult for him (of course!), Then at the school ("there is such a tense program!"), Then they helped him get rid of the army, but he was so nervous that he had to "rest" for a year ... Now a healthy twenty-five-year-old guy from time to time works somewhere, but does not stay anywhere, because "conditions do not suit him." Most of the time he is dependent on his parents, watching TV and walking with friends in bars. Aged parents call this "finding yourself."

What to do if you recognize yourself in one of the above descriptions? Great, you have already taken the first step to getting rid of the problem! You realized WHAT is going wrong in your family, which means that you can deliberately take your family boat away from the rocks. Any problem has two ways of solving - direct negative energy in a good direction or compensate for it with positive.

If you have found features in your family rivalries, then you can direct your competitive spirit to sports, team games. In the summer, you can play badminton, volleyball, paintball helps to release negative energy of resentment. You can arrange a football tournament between families, this in turn will help to unite your family. In addition, you can arrange various family creative evenings, where each family member must prepare a number. Or celebrate a holiday of some national culture, where everyone has a role to play, for example, mom prepares dinner in the framework of the cuisine of the chosen country, the child decorates the house or costumes, and dad tells interesting facts about the traditions of this culture. The last option will also help to create a warm climate and unity between you. The second way to get rid of the problem involves finding harmony and unity among family members. This will be helped by various general events, trips, going to the cinema, theater, guests, but of a more peaceful nature, so as not to cultivate rivalry, but to show how good it is to live in peace and harmony.

If the model is closer to you pseudo-cooperation, then you need to strengthen the ties between the members, then your boat will not be afraid of any storms. Try to communicate more heart to heart, share dreams, plans and, most importantly, support each other in everything. You can watch films together, read books, and then discuss them. Make a renovation together by jointly developing a design before. Draw a picture together and hang it on the wall so that it always reminds of the unity of your family.

If you notice signs in your family isolation, then you need to spend as much time as possible together, consult with each other on various occasions and listen to these advice, not be afraid to let the other person into your inner world. Recommendations for families with a model of pseudo-cooperation will also be useful to you.

For families living by the principle emotional alienation, you can advise to arrange an extreme adventure: go hiking in the mountains, kayaking, ride inside a large zorb, ride horses, have fun in the water park, i.e. jointly do what will cause a surge of emotions, because this is exactly what your relationship lacks. New sensations will help melt the ice between you and lead to rallying. Well, after that you will need to become friends. Perhaps you think that emotional restraint, relationships based on the principle of business communication, are more stable and reliable, and unnecessary emotions only lead to scandals. But in reality, you simply deprive your closest people of the warmth of your soul, and yourself - of their warmth. Try to start a new family life full of love and affection, and use your diplomatic qualities and restraint when resolving disagreements.

If your family has character symbiotic relationship, then you need to learn to live an independent life. Find a hobby for yourself, something that would bring you joy, an occupation, after which time would fly by unnoticed, making you forget about all your worries. If you do not know what could bring you such joy, remember your childhood, what you liked to do then. And start experimenting! Draw, sculpt, burn, cut, write, dance, play sports! Find yourself, realize yourself as a person, and then you can let go of a loved one, let him breathe freely, realize your potentials.

If your family has hyperprotective option, then you just need to remember about ... yourself! The fact that you are the only one at your place and that there was no such person again is not and never will be in the whole universe! Therefore, you need to love yourself and take care of yourself. Pamper yourself with what has been deprived for a long time, arrange a day off, go to the movies with friends, just relax at home with your favorite movie or book. Of course, you do not need to forget about your loved ones, love them with no less strength and care, but do not forget yourself. It is important. If you want your family to love you, set an example for them - love yourself.

Fragments from the book of T. Andreeva " Family psychology".

In a survey of 266 American family counselors, it was found that 9 out of 10 married couples seeking help found communication difficulties.
The problems were located as follows:
- communication difficulties - 86.6%; .:,
- problems related to children and their upbringing - 45.7%; ...
- sexual problems - 43.7%;
- financial problems - 37.2%;
- leisure - 37.6%;
- relations with parents - 28.4%;
- adultery -26.6%;
- household - 16.7%;
- physical abuse - 15.7%;
other problems - 8.0%.

From a letter to the Club: “We have two loneliness at home. When my son was growing up, my husband and I were united by the concern for his studies and health. As soon as my son joined the army, we got a dog. Now she is creating a family with us. And so we are both very lonely. We have nothing to talk about…"

Consequently, in marital relationships, the role of marital communications, skills and culture of communication is very important (cited from: Kovaleve. V., 1988). V. Satir (1992) drew attention to illusions and traps in communication, which often lead to conflicts.

American researchers V. Matthews and K. Mikhanovich identify 10 most important differences between happy and unhappy family unions.

It turned out that in unhappy families spouses:
- do not think the same way on many issues and problems;
- poorly understand the feelings of another;
- speak words that annoy the other;
- often feel unloved;
- do not pay attention to the other;
- have an unmet need for trust;
- feel the need for a person who can be trusted;
- rarely compliment each other;
- are often forced to give in to the opinion of another;
- want more love.

S.V. Kovalev (1989) argues that, according to many psychologists, family happiness requires a fairly limited set of purely psychological conditions:
- normal conflict-free communication;
- trust and empathy;
- understanding each other;
- normal intimate life;
- the presence of the House.

VA Sysenko (1989) divides all relatively dysfunctional families into three types: conflict, crisis and problem.

Conflict marital unions include those in which there are spheres between spouses where their interests, needs, intentions and desires constantly collide, generating especially strong and lasting negative emotions.

To crisis ones - those where the confrontation between the interests and needs of the spouses is especially sharp and captures important areas family life.

Problematic marital unions are those that are faced with especially difficult life situations that can inflict a tangible blow to the stability of the marriage: lack of housing and prolonged illness of one of the spouses, long-term conviction, etc. However, the objective circumstances of the family's life affect its well-being only through their subjective assessment by the spouses. In the special medical literature, there is the concept of "neurotic family" used to characterize a family in which one spouse or both suffer from one or another neurosis, and the latter leave a very noticeable and significant imprint on the marital relationship.

From other sources.

Marital conflicts.

Conflict is:
- a bipolar phenomenon (opposition of two principles), which manifests itself in the activity of the parties aimed at overcoming contradictions,
- one of the forms of normal human interaction, does not always lead to destruction,
- an incentive to change, this is a challenge that requires a creative response,
- a deliberate clash, confrontation of at least two people, their mutually opposite, mutually exclusive needs, interests, goals, attitudes that are essential for the individual.

M. Deutsch identified the types of conflicts:

1. A genuine conflict - existing objectively and adequately perceived (the wife wants to use the free room as a closet, and the husband as a darkroom).

2. Accidental or conditional conflict - can be easily resolved, although it is not realized by its participants (the spouses do not notice that there is still an area).

3. Displaced conflict - when something completely different is hiding behind an "obvious" conflict (when arguing over a free room, spouses are actually in conflict over ideas about the role of the wife in the family).

4. Incorrectly attributed conflict - when, for example, the wife scolds her husband for what he did, carrying out her own order, which she had already forgotten.

5. Latent (latent) conflict - based on the contradiction, which is not recognized by the spouses, which nevertheless objectively exists.

6. False conflict - exists only because of the perception of the spouses, without objective reasons.

In the course of the conflict, as a process, there are four main stages (K. Vitek, G.A. Navaitis):
- the emergence of an objective conflict situation
- awareness of an objective conflict situation
- transition to conflict behavior
- conflict resolution

The conflict becomes a reality only after realizing the contradictions, since only the perception of the situation as a conflict generates appropriate behavior (it follows from this that the contradiction can be not only objective, but also subjective). The transition to conflict behavior is actions aimed at achieving their goals, and blocking the achievement opposite side her aspirations and intentions. It is essential that the opponent's actions must also be perceived by him as conflicting. There are two possible ways of resolving the conflict: changing the objective conflict situation and transforming its "images", ideas about the essence and nature of the conflict that the opponent has.

Typical models of behavior of spouses in interpersonal, intrafamily conflicts (V.A. Kan-Kalik, 1995):

1. the desire of the husband and wife to assert themselves in the family, for example, in the role of the head. Often, good advice from parents plays a negative role here.

2. Concentration of spouses on their own affairs. Typical is the "trail" of the previous way of life, habits, friends, unwillingness to sacrifice anything from their past life.

3. didactic. One spouse constantly teaches the other: how to behave, how to live, etc.

4. "Ready for battle". The spouses are constantly in a state of tension associated with the need to constantly repel attacks: in whose consciousness the inevitability of quarrels has become stronger, intra-family behavior is built as a struggle for victory in a conflict.

5. "papa's daughter", "mama's son". In the process of establishing relationships, parents constantly interfere in their clarification.

6. concern. Lack of positive experiences in family relationships.

Typical Causes of Marital Conflict.

According to studies conducted in the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation by specialists from the Main Directorate of Educational Work, 11% of professional military personnel are not satisfied with their family relations, and 89% of the surveyed military personnel cannot say with confidence that there are no conflicts in their families. Family troubles accounted for 45% of suicides among military personnel in 2002.

The image of a family without conflict is ideal, but, perhaps, in modern conditions it is practically impossible. According to K. Vitek, only 15-18% of marriages can be called ideal, when the spouses experience a feeling of complete satisfaction and well-being.

In the structure of family conflicts, according to the subjects of interaction, one can distinguish in the nuclear family: spousal conflicts, parent-child conflicts, sibling conflicts; in an extended family: conflicts of a spouse (s) with their parents, conflicts of a spouse (s) with the parents of a spouse, conflicts of children with grandparents, conflicts of family members with other relatives.

By marital conflict, we mean the contradiction of interpersonal relations between spouses, that is, mismatch, opposition, exacerbation of attitudes, expectations, ideas, orientations relative to each other, or the perception of such by each of the spouses.

By levels, the causes of marital conflicts can be divided into two large groups:

Objective (due to the natural dynamics of the family and sociocultural)
The objective causes of marital conflicts can be: the circumstances of social interaction of people, which led to a clash of their interests, opinions, attitudes; factors acting on the family from the outside and regardless of its characteristics (the level of well-being of society, the state of education and culture, traditions and customs); problems arising from the natural dynamics of the family. Objective reasons create a pre-conflict situation and are an objective component of a pre-conflict situation for spouses.

Subjective (psychological and socio-psychological).
Subjective reasons spousal conflict can be: personal (individual psychological) characteristics of the spouses; interpersonal (social and psychological), due to the direct interaction of spouses.

Foreign experts identify the following main reasons for marital conflicts:

1. The degree of satisfaction of the basic needs of each spouse (the need for sex and safety) (K. Levin, 2001).

2. The presence of pathological personality traits in spouses: the intensity of their manifestation, the impact on the personality of the spouse and interpersonal interaction on the personality of the partner (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).

3. The size of the space for free movement of spouses. Its limitation increases the tension of relations (K. Levin, 2001).

4. Violation emotional relationships: sensual discord of spouses, sensual alienation (Fanta, 1972), loss mutual love, differences in manifestations of tenderness and feelings (S. Kratokhvil, 1991), disappearance romantic mood(Plzak, 1973).

5. Inconsistency of goals and expectations of the spouses: the goals of the spouses contradict each other and they are not ready to accept the position of the other (K. Vitek, 1988; K. Levin, 2001; S. Kratokhvil, 1991); unfulfilled expectations in marriage (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).

6. Contacts of one of the spouses with children from a previous marriage, their material support (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).

7. The permeability of boundaries between various subsystems of the family organism (marital subsystem, parental subsystem, sibling subsystem). Boundaries represent the rules of interaction that regulate the conditions and behavior of each of the family members participating in this interaction (S. Minukhin, 1998).

8. Problems of separation of power and roles in the family: changes in the structure and balance of power in the family (Jay Haley, 1991); marital roles are not clearly defined, communication between spouses is sluggish, interaction is difficult (K. Vitaker, 1997; V. Satir, 1992, 1999); violation of role compatibility (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).

9. Problems associated with the peculiarities of the stages of development of marital relations ( early marriages, climacteric periods, children leaving the family) (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).

10. Internal problems of a married couple (lack of sexual harmony, disagreements over the upbringing of children, mismatch of the spouses' points of view on the distribution of household responsibilities, encroachment on the spouse's free time) (Barczewski, 1977; K. Vitek, 1988; S. Kratokhvil, 1991).

11. Negative family relationships in previous generations, influencing the perception of the current interaction (representatives of transgenerational family psychotherapy) and negative models of parents' marriage (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).

12. Infrequent positive reinforcement by family members of each other (that is, insufficient number of punishments for unwanted behavior) (behavioral psychotherapy).

13. External barriers: objective circumstances that prevent spouses from getting out of the situation (obligations, functional duties) (K. Levin, 2001), external stressors (job loss) (S. Minukhin, 1998).

14. Cohabitation of spouses with parents: negative interference of the spouse's parents in the nature of their relationship, preference for communication with parents over relations with the spouse (Knox, 1971), unwillingness to visit the spouse's parents (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).

15. Negative attitudes toward a spouse's friends (Knox, 1971).

16. Extramarital contacts and relationships (Plzak, 1973), "sexual adventures" (Muldworf, 1973).

Domestic psychologists believe that, together with the peculiarities, when analyzing the causes of marital conflicts, it is necessary to take into account various levels of interaction between spouses (V.P. Levkovich, 1985) or zones of disagreement between spouses (V.A. Sysenko). According to V.P. Levkovich, the conflict can manifest itself at the level of the relationship between spouses (latent conflict), then the conflict affects the sphere of communication (verbal and non-verbal), the highest manifestation is the behavioral sphere (open stage of the conflict). VA Sysenko defines the following areas of disagreement between spouses: sexual and erotic sphere; satisfaction of personal needs; communication of spouses; family and household sphere; upbringing and caring for children; recreation and leisure of the spouses.

The causes of marital conflicts are closely related to development crises (V.K. Mager, 1978). These periods are caused by changes in the structure of the family, the balance of forces in it, the redistribution of the functions of the spouses, and adaptation to new family roles. As a rule, these periods are associated with: the first year of marriage; pregnancy and the birth of the first child; family breakdown due to divorce; the departure of children from the family; the appearance in the family of stepchildren or sick parents; loss of a spouse or family member; long absence of a spouse (military service, long business trip).

The main reasons for spousal conflicts in domestic approaches:

1. Dissatisfaction with the need for the value and significance of their "I" spouses (VP Levkovich, OE Zus'kova, 1985; VA Sysenko, 1989).

2. Mental stress based on the unmet sexual needs of the spouses (VA Sysenko, 1989).

3. Mismatch of role expectations and role behavior of spouses (VP Levkovich, OE Zus'kova, 1985; AG Kharchev, MS Matskovskaya, 1978; SS Liebikh, 1979).

4. Insufficient understanding of each other by spouses, lack of positive emotions, care, understanding, affection (V.M.Volovik, 1980; V.A.Sysenko, 1989; V.L.Shenderova, 1972).

5. Addiction of one of the spouses to alcohol, gambling (VA Sysenko, 1989).

6. Financial disagreements based on the exaggerated needs of the spouses (VA Sysenko, 1989).

7. Failure to meet the need for food, clothing, home improvement, personal needs (VA Sysenko, 1989).

8. Lack of mutual assistance, mutual support, irrational division domestic work, inconsistency of views on the upbringing of children (V.A.Sysenko, 1989; S.G.Shuman, 1989).

9. Inconsistency of the spouses' views on the organization of rest and leisure (VP Levkovich, OE Zus'kova, 1985; VA Sysenko, 1989).

Based on analysis these reasons we have identified seven functional spheres of manifestation of marital conflicts (A.N. Kharitonov, 2000): sexual-erotic, value-orientational, emotional-psychological, reproductive-educational, material-household, cultural-leisure and family health. A spousal conflict, which arose on the basis of dissatisfaction of needs in one of these areas, spreads to the others and ultimately disrupts the nature of the development of relations between spouses. We consider it conceptual to identify the dominant unmet need of one of the spouses, to understand the cause of the conflict in order to harmonize family relations.

Conflict resolution tactics.

V.A. Sysenko:

1. Maintain a sense of personal dignity in the husband and wife.

2. consistently demonstrate mutual respect and respect.

3. try to arouse the enthusiasm of the other spouse, restrain and pacify the manifestation of anger and anger in oneself.

4. not focus on the mistakes and miscalculations of your life partner.

5. not to blame the past in general and past mistakes in particular.

6. to remove or suspend the growing mental stress with a joke or any distraction.

7. do not torment yourself and your partner with suspicions of infidelity and treason, restrain yourself in manifestations of jealousy.

Dean Delice:

1. should blame the situation, not each other.

2. should empathize with your spouse.

3. Agree to restore balance, avoiding vague insincerity.

Divorce

Divorce is a break in relations in legal, economic, psychological terms, which entails a reorganization of the life of both spouses.

Divorce is a change in the balance of power that sustains and destroys marriage.
- Supportive - moral and psychological interest in each other, satisfaction with marriage and family relations, social norms, values and sanctions.
- Destructive - a manifestation of mutual dissatisfaction and non-pollution, antipathy, irritation, hatred.

A. Maslow's dialectical model of the divorce process:

1. Emotional divorce - destruction of illusions in married life, feelings of dissatisfaction, estrangement of spouses, fear and despair, arguments, the desire to avoid problems.

2. Time of reflection and despair before divorce - the period is accompanied by pain and despair, anger and fear, contradictory words and actions, a feeling of emptiness and chaos. At the cognitive-behavioral level, denial of the existing situation, physical and emotional retreat is characteristic. Attempts are being made to get things right again.

3. legal divorce - registration of a break in relations occurs at a formal level. The abandoned spouse feels self-pity, helplessness.

4. Economic divorce - can cause confusion in either spouse, violent anger or sadness "Life is ruined what does money matter."

5. Striking a balance between parenting responsibilities and custody rights. The abandoned spouse experiences loneliness, seeks advice from relatives and friends.

6. Time for self-examination and return to balance after divorce. Behavior takes on a new focus. Activity appears, a new lifestyle is stabilized, new responsibilities are formed.

7. Psychological divorce... - on emotional level- this is a readiness for action, self-confidence, self-worth, the search for new objects of love and readiness for new long-term relationships.

Reasons for divorce.

Infidelity

In many countries, adultery is a sufficient reason and one of the most common motives for divorce. In our country, about a quarter of all causes of divorce are associated with a violation of marital fidelity.

Love = family, if betrayal, then the antipode of love, therefore, against marriage.

The motive of "treason"
- conflict,
- problem families,
- with a critical, almost destroyed relationship between the spouses.
- immaturity, frivolity of the spouses,
- lack of understanding of family values and such a concept as "the sacredness of family ties."
- ethical education and the general culture of people.

In addition, marital fidelity largely depends on premarital behavior: men and women who have had premarital sex are more likely to violate the vow of marital fidelity. This is due to the fact that early sexual experience, most likely not based on true love, reduces the assessment of sexual relations and a sense of duty, obligation towards another partner. A sense of marital duty is a person's awareness of their obligations to a marriage partner, identification of their personal interests with the interests of the family.

There is an opinion that betrayal, a casual relationship makes a person understand that there was love in the family.

According to some studies, 75% of men do not find what they expect in a casual partner and begin to appreciate their wife more. Among unfaithful wives, the number of those who did not experience anything but disappointment and remorse turned out to be even more than 90%. The spouse realizes that he made a terrible mistake, that he betrayed a loved one and will continue to cherish his hearth.

1. New love. This reason adultery typical for marriages where love was insignificant or absent altogether (rational or forced marriages based on profit, fear of loneliness).
2. Retribution. With the help of treason, the desire to avenge the spouse's infidelity is realized in order to restore self-esteem.
3. Abused love. There is no reciprocity in the marriage relationship. One of the spouses suffers from rejection of his love, irresponsibility of feelings. This encourages the satisfaction of the feeling in another partnership where reciprocity is possible.
4. The search for new love experiences, as a rule, is typical for spouses with considerable experience, when feelings have faded. Or in families with such norms, when everything possible is taken from life. An option may be to imitate the "beautiful life" of foreign models, sexual freedom.
5. Total disintegration of the family. Treason here is actually the result of creating a new family, when the first family is perceived as unviable.
6. A casual relationship, when infidelity is not characterized by regularity and deep love experiences. Usually it is provoked by certain circumstances (persistence of the “partner”, “opportunity”, etc.). Connivance, hopelessness, or irreconcilability are extremes in the perception of marital infidelity. Before drawing conclusions, it is necessary to carefully, and, if possible, objectively look at the situation of treason. If this is a human mistake, even cruel, one must be able to forgive her (by the way, wives are forgiven more often, and husbands are more likely to initiate divorce cases due to the wife's infidelity). If cheating is caused by distorted family relationships, they need to be sorted out. Those. in any case, one must look for reasons, and not blame others.

Other reasons for divorce.

1. There is an increase in the percentage of divorces due to the rudeness of the spouse, alcoholism, psychological incompatibility. Apparently, this happens because with an increase in the cultural level of a modern person, an increase in the culture of interpersonal communication, respect for the individual, etc. cases of rudeness, psychological incompatibility, and even more so drunkenness began to be felt stronger and become a fairly weighty reason for divorce.

2. The vague and vague wording “We didn’t agree in character” is used by young spouses who have decided to dissolve their marriage due to problems with intimate life.

According to sociologists, it is often because of dissatisfaction in intimate life that divorces occur. Sometimes disharmony in intimate relationships is not clearly expressed, but it is also undesirable, because vague dissatisfaction generates irritation, depression, and ruins joy.

The opinion that physical attractiveness is not necessary, that only on the basis of sexual desire it is always possible to realize a physiological need, is erroneous. Spouses must be sure that they like each other, that they both strive for intimacy that will bring them complete satisfaction.

3. Expectation of a child is a real test for love, and his birth is a test of the strength of family ties. Many marriages break up in the very first year after the birth of a child, break up at the initiative of men who cannot stand the test of paternity. More precisely, men, whose egoism turned out to be stronger than all other feelings.

After the birth of the baby, a young husband has no right to withdraw from caring for him, but must help his wife in her endless worries about the child. Having entrusted all the care of the little one to the wife alone, the husband himself does not give her the opportunity to do anything else, including the house and himself. In such a situation, discomfort inevitably arises in the family. The husband begins to feel superfluous, unnecessary, unloved, not suspecting that he himself is completely guilty of this.

The consequences of divorce.

In one of the studies by foreign sociologists on the consequences of divorce for children, three groups of children were compared: from happy, unhappy and from divorced families. By all criteria, children from happy families ended up in better position... However, when comparing children from the other two groups, it turned out that adolescents from divorced families had less mental illness, they committed offenses less often, they had better relationship with at least one of the parents.

For a number of other indicators (attitudes at school, disposition towards bad companies), the children of these two groups did not differ significantly, but they differed greatly from children living in happy families. A comparison was also made of a number of socio-psychological characteristics of children living in families where the mother remarried after divorce, and in families where the child lived only with the mother. At the same time, it was found that the relationship "mother - child" is better in families where the child was brought up only by the mother.

Children of divorced spouses are more prone to mental illness.

According to Landis (1960), the impact of divorce on a child's psyche depends on a number of factors:
- the child's subjective idea of the happiness of the family immediately before the divorce;
- the age of the child and mother;
- the severity of negative norms in relation to divorce in the social group to which the family belongs;
- the ability of the remaining spouse to cope with their anxiety and provide the child with a safe environment.

By the age of 3 years, divorce affects the child less influence than at older ages. Probability remarriage a divorced spouse is inversely proportional to the number of children left with him.

Significantly negative impact of divorce on the birth rate. In some cases, after a divorce, a woman remains lonely, and on the “eve” of divorce refrains from having children. With the increase in the number of divorces, the number of people who do not want to remarry after a divorce has increased.

The increase in divorce rates means that many married couples and their children are deeply affected by the family distress that usually accompanies divorce.

Divorce also takes a heavy toll on children's morale.
- Preschoolers usually feel fear, self-doubt and feel guilty for the divorce of their parents.
- Older children express their irritation more directly. Most children calm down within a year or two after divorce, although some of them feel miserable and lonely for 5 years after divorce or even longer, even if the parent they live with remarries.

The next direction of the influence of divorce on the effectiveness of the functioning of the institution of marriage is that the prospect of divorce, or rather the fear that the husband (wife) will use the right to divorce at the first more or less serious conflict, one way or another affects the behavior of each of the spouses and their attitude to their family roles, on mutual assessments and self-assessments, on family planning, at least until both the husband and wife have a feeling of the stability of their family, and, therefore, orientation not only for today and tomorrow , but also for the relatively distant future.

Divorces increase the number of single-parent families. In them, a specific system of relations between mother and child is created, patterns of behavior are formed, which in some respects are an alternative to the norms and values on which the institution of marriage is based.

Divorce also affects the divorcing spouses themselves.
- Quite often there is a kind of shock with shame and self-pity. Divorced people try to rationalize the situation and prove that they are indifferent to the problems that have arisen.
- A very common feeling is anxiety, impatience, coming from broken habits and loss of familiar roles. A divorced spouse often tries to increase his social activity. Friends and relatives usually help him in making new contacts.
- Often, after a divorce, a person begins to behave in contradiction with generally accepted norms, trying to satisfy his grief in drunkenness or compensate for the loss of a family by increasing the frequency sexual contacts.
- The facts of mutually exclusive attitudes towards their ex-spouse, the alternation of manifestations of hatred and love were noted. Therefore, sometimes sexual intimacy between an ex-husband and wife persists for some time and after a divorce.

Long-term effects of divorce.

Of course, the experiences of children that they experience when their parents divorce are varied and depend on many factors that increase or alleviate their difficulties. The list of all possible factors is very long, but the most important ones can be cited.

These include
- relationships with parents, repeated marriages of parents, stepfathers with stepmothers, - conflicts between parents before and after divorce,
- health and psychological difficulties, financial and household problems,
- changing of the living place,
- age of children at divorce,
- the quality of the matrimonial relationship that existed before him and the individual characteristics of children.

Psychologists studying the influence of these factors have come to general conclusion that the adverse consequences for children of the parents' divorce are more pronounced and lasting in cases where conflicts between the parents after the divorce continue, when the child's relationship with one of the parents is bad or is generally interrupted, when the divorce occurred before the child was five years old, and also in cases of remarriage of former spouses, especially when it is concluded immediately after divorce.

All factors that exacerbate parenting difficulties are very bad living conditions, economic problems, frequent change of residence, poor physical and mental health - have a very negative impact on children.

And the consequences of this can be very different.

1. Children may have some kind of psychiatric problems. It is known that children, at least at first, are very upset about divorce. After a divorce, children may experience behavioral deviations, constantly depressed mood, breakdowns.

2. Childhood separation between parents predisposes to depression in adulthood. But overall, research shows that there is little link between parental divorce and mental health problems in adulthood.

3. Another thing is the influence of parents' divorce on the married life of children (when they become adults).

Large-scale studies of the population of several countries confirm the conclusion that, as adults, children of divorced parents will divorce themselves. This pattern is more pronounced in women than in men. A clear explanation for this phenomenon has not yet been found, but some scientists believe that people whose parents have separated believe that there are not many mutual obligations in marriage. But here, too, much depends on the individual characteristics of people. Although, the factor of introducing the style of relationships that exists in the parental family into subsequent relationships in their own family is undoubtedly present.

American researchers V. Matthews and K. Mikhanovich identify 10 most important differences between happy and unhappy family unions.

It turned out that in unhappy families the spouses:
- do not think the same way on many issues and problems;
- poorly understand the feelings of another;
- speak words that annoy the other;
- often feel unloved;
- do not pay attention to the other;
- have an unmet need for trust;
- feel the need for a person who can be trusted;
- rarely compliment each other;
- are often forced to give in to the opinion of another;
- want more love.

VA Sysenko (1989) divides all relatively dysfunctional families into three types: conflict, crisis and problem.

Crisis ones are those where the confrontation between the interests and needs of the spouses is especially sharp and engulfs important spheres of the family's life.

From other sources.

Marital conflicts.

M. Deutsch identified the types of conflicts:

1. A genuine conflict - existing objectively and adequately perceived (the wife wants to use the free room as a closet, and the husband as a darkroom).

2. Accidental or conditional conflict - can be easily resolved, although it is not realized by its participants (the spouses do not notice that there is still an area).

4. Incorrectly attributed conflict - when, for example, the wife scolds her husband for what he did, carrying out her own order, which she had already forgotten.

5. Latent (latent) conflict - based on the contradiction, which is not recognized by the spouses, which nevertheless objectively exists.

6. False conflict - exists only because of the perception of the spouses, without objective reasons.

The conflict becomes a reality only after realizing the contradictions, since only the perception of the situation as a conflict generates appropriate behavior (it follows from this that the contradiction can be not only objective, but also subjective). The transition to conflict behavior is actions aimed at achieving their goals, and blocking the achievement of the opposite side of its aspirations and intentions. It is essential that the opponent's actions must also be perceived by him as conflicting. There are two possible ways of resolving the conflict: changing the objective conflict situation and transforming its "images", ideas about the essence and nature of the conflict that the opponent has.

Typical models of behavior of spouses in interpersonal, intrafamily conflicts (V.A. Kan-Kalik, 1995):

1. the desire of the husband and wife to assert themselves in the family, for example, in the role of the head. Often, good advice from parents plays a negative role here.

2. Concentration of spouses on their own affairs. Typical is the "trail" of the previous way of life, habits, friends, unwillingness to sacrifice anything from their past life.

3. didactic. One spouse constantly teaches the other: how to behave, how to live, etc.

5. "papa's daughter", "mama's son". In the process of establishing relationships, parents constantly interfere in their clarification.

6. concern. Lack of positive experiences in family relationships.

Typical Causes of Marital Conflict.

By levels, the causes of marital conflicts can be divided into two large groups:

Subjective (psychological and socio-psychological).
The subjective reasons for the spousal conflict can be: personal (individual psychological) characteristics of the spouses; interpersonal (social and psychological), due to the direct interaction of spouses.

Foreign experts identify the following main reasons for marital conflicts:

1. The degree of satisfaction of the basic needs of each spouse (the need for sex and safety) (K. Levin, 2001).

2. The presence of pathological personality traits in spouses: the intensity of their manifestation, the impact on the personality of the spouse and in interpersonal interaction on the personality of the partner (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).

3. The size of the space for free movement of spouses. Its limitation increases the tension of relations (K. Levin, 2001).

4. Violation of emotional relationships: sensual discord of spouses, sensual alienation (Fanta, 1972), loss of mutual love, differences in manifestations of tenderness and feelings (S. Kratochvil, 1991), disappearance of romantic moods (Plzak, 1973).

6. Contacts of one of the spouses with children from a previous marriage, their material support (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).

9. Problems associated with the peculiarities of the stages of development of matrimonial relations (early marriages, menopause, children leaving the family) (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).

12. Infrequent positive reinforcement by family members of each other (that is, insufficient number of punishments for unwanted behavior) (behavioral psychotherapy).

15. Negative attitudes toward a spouse's friends (Knox, 1971).

16. Extramarital contacts and relationships (Plzak, 1973), "sexual adventures" (Muldworf, 1973).

The main reasons for spousal conflicts in domestic approaches:

1. Dissatisfaction with the need for the value and significance of their "I" spouses (VP Levkovich, OE Zus'kova, 1985; VA Sysenko, 1989).

2. Mental stress based on the unmet sexual needs of the spouses (VA Sysenko, 1989).

3. Mismatch of role expectations and role behavior of spouses (VP Levkovich, OE Zus'kova, 1985; AG Kharchev, MS Matskovskaya, 1978; SS Liebikh, 1979).

4. Insufficient understanding of each other by spouses, lack of positive emotions, care, understanding, affection (VM Volovik, 1980; VA Sysenko, 1989; VL Shenderova, 1972).

5. Addiction of one of the spouses to alcohol, gambling (VA Sysenko, 1989).

6. Financial disagreements based on the exaggerated needs of the spouses (VA Sysenko, 1989).

7. Failure to meet the need for food, clothing, home improvement, personal needs (VA Sysenko, 1989).

8. Lack of mutual assistance, mutual support, irrational division of domestic work, inconsistency of views on the upbringing of children (VA Sysenko, 1989; SG Shuman, 1989).

9. Inconsistency of the spouses' views on the organization of rest and leisure (VP Levkovich, OE Zus'kova, 1985; VA Sysenko, 1989).

Based on the analysis of these reasons, we have identified seven functional spheres of manifestation of marital conflicts (A.N. Kharitonov, 2000): sexual and erotic, value and orientation, emotional and psychological, reproductive and educational, material and household, cultural and leisure and family health. A spousal conflict, which arose on the basis of dissatisfaction of needs in one of these areas, spreads to the others and ultimately disrupts the nature of the development of relations between spouses. We consider it conceptual to identify the dominant unmet need of one of the spouses, to understand the cause of the conflict in order to harmonize family relations.

Conflict resolution tactics.

V.A. Sysenko:

1. Maintain a sense of personal dignity in the husband and wife.

2. consistently demonstrate mutual respect and respect.

3. try to arouse the enthusiasm of the other spouse, restrain and pacify the manifestation of anger and anger in oneself.

4. not focus on the mistakes and miscalculations of your life partner.

5. not to blame the past in general and past mistakes in particular.

6. to remove or suspend the growing mental stress with a joke or any distraction.

7. do not torment yourself and your partner with suspicions of infidelity and treason, restrain yourself in manifestations of jealousy.

Dean Delice:

1. should blame the situation, not each other.

2. should empathize with your spouse.

3. Agree to restore balance, avoiding vague insincerity.

Divorce

Divorce is a break in relations in legal, economic, psychological terms, which entails a reorganization of the life of both spouses.

A. Maslow's dialectical model of the divorce process:

1. Emotional divorce - destruction of illusions in married life, feelings of dissatisfaction, estrangement of spouses, fear and despair, arguments, the desire to avoid problems.

3. legal divorce - registration of a break in relations occurs at a formal level. The abandoned spouse feels self-pity, helplessness.

4. Economic divorce - can cause confusion in either spouse, violent anger or sadness "Life is ruined what does money matter."

5. Striking a balance between parenting and custody. The abandoned spouse experiences loneliness, seeks advice from relatives and friends.

6. Time for self-examination and return to balance after divorce. Behavior takes on a new focus. Activity appears, a new lifestyle is stabilized, new responsibilities are formed.

7. Psychological divorce. - on an emotional level - this is a readiness for action, self-confidence, self-worth, the search for new objects of love and readiness for new long-term relationships.

Reasons for divorce.

Infidelity

Love = family, if betrayal, then the antipode of love, therefore, against marriage.

In addition, marital fidelity largely depends on premarital behavior: men and women who have had premarital sex are more likely to violate the vow of marital fidelity. This is due to the fact that early sexual experience, most likely not based on true love, reduces the assessment of sexual relations and a sense of duty, obligation towards another partner. A sense of marital duty is a person's awareness of his obligations to his marriage partner, the identification of his personal interests with the interests of the family.

There is an opinion that betrayal, a casual relationship makes a person understand that there was love in the family.

Cheating destroys the family, no matter who cheated, husband or wife. V modern research attempts are being made to analyze the causes of adultery. Here is one of the classifications:

1. New love. This reason for marital infidelity is characteristic of marriages where love was insignificant or absent altogether (rational or forced marriages based on profit, fear of loneliness).
2. Retribution. With the help of treason, the desire to avenge the spouse's infidelity is realized in order to restore self-esteem.
3. Abused love. There is no reciprocity in the marriage relationship. One of the spouses suffers from rejection of his love, irresponsibility of feelings. This encourages satisfying the feeling in another partnership where reciprocity is possible.
4. The search for new love experiences, as a rule, is typical for spouses with considerable experience, when feelings have faded. Or in families with such norms, when everything possible is taken from life. An option may be to imitate the "beautiful life" of foreign models, sexual freedom.
5. Total disintegration of the family. Treason here is actually the result of creating a new family, when the first family is perceived as unviable.
6. A casual relationship, when infidelity is not characterized by regularity and deep love experiences. Usually it is provoked by certain circumstances (persistence of the “partner”, “opportunity”, etc.). Connivance, hopelessness, or irreconcilability are extremes in the perception of marital infidelity. Before drawing conclusions, it is necessary to carefully, and, if possible, objectively look at the situation of treason. If this is a human mistake, even cruel, one must be able to forgive her (by the way, wives are forgiven more often, and husbands are more likely to initiate divorce cases due to the wife's infidelity). If cheating is caused by distorted family relationships, they need to be sorted out. Those. in any case, one must look for reasons, and not blame others.

Other reasons for divorce.

2. The vague and vague wording “We did not agree with the characters” is used by young spouses who have decided to dissolve their marriage due to problems in their intimate life.

The consequences of divorce.

In one of the studies by foreign sociologists on the consequences of divorce for children, three groups of children were compared: from happy, unhappy and from divorced families. By all criteria, children from happy families were in a better position. However, when comparing children from the other two groups, it turned out that adolescents from divorced families had fewer mental illnesses, they committed crimes less often, and they had a better relationship with at least one of the parents.

Children of divorced spouses are more prone to mental illness.

By the age of 3 years, divorce has less impact on the child than at older ages. The likelihood of remarriage of a divorced spouse is inversely proportional to the number of children left with him.

The increase in the number of divorces leads to the fact that many married couples and their children deeply experience the disadvantages in the family, usually accompanying divorce.

Divorce also affects the divorcing spouses themselves.
- Quite often there is a kind of shock with shame and self-pity. Divorced people try to rationalize the situation and prove that they are indifferent to the problems that have arisen.
- A very common feeling is anxiety, impatience, coming from broken habits and loss of familiar roles. A divorced spouse often tries to increase his social activity. Friends and relatives usually help him in making new contacts.
- Often, after a divorce, a person begins to behave contrary to generally accepted norms, trying to satisfy his grief in drunkenness or compensate for the loss of a family by increasing the frequency of sexual contacts.
- The facts of mutually exclusive attitudes towards their ex-spouse, the alternation of manifestations of hatred and love were noted. Therefore, sometimes sexual intimacy between an ex-husband and wife persists for some time and after a divorce.

Long-term effects of divorce.

Psychologists studying the influence of these factors have come to the general conclusion that the adverse consequences for children of parental divorce are more pronounced and lasting in cases where conflicts between parents after divorce continue, when the child's relationship with one of the parents is bad or is generally interrupted, when divorce occurred before the child was five years old, as well as in cases of remarriage of former spouses, especially when it was concluded immediately after the divorce.

All the factors that aggravate the difficulties of parents - very poor housing conditions, economic problems, frequent changes of residence, poor physical and mental health - have a very adverse effect on children.

And the consequences of this can be very different.

2. Childhood separation between parents predisposes to depression in adulthood. But overall, research shows that there is little link between parental divorce and mental health problems in adulthood.

3. Another thing is the influence of parents' divorce on the married life of children (when they become adults).

Divorce

“All happy families are equally happy.
Every unhappy family
unhappy in its own way "
Lev Tolstoy

Family life is not always a source of joy. It cannot always proceed smoothly and smoothly, there are many family difficulties. Unfortunately, not every family can handle them. Sometimes the "family ship" cracks and goes to the bottom, not yet set off on a honeymoon trip.
Psychological reasons divorce, as a rule, is somehow connected with the feeling of one or both spouses that personal happiness and love in this marriage is impossible for a number of reasons, and nothing can be changed, even if you try very hard.

However, the decision to divorce a husband or wife is hampered by several reasons:

fear of being judged by relatives, friends, others;

beliefs that children need both parents;

fear of impending loneliness, especially in old age;

the collapse of financial well-being;

age barriers, etc.

The spouses see the only way out of the impasse in the upcoming divorce.

Divorce is the termination of a marriage during the life of a spouse.

Various opinion polls have shown that any divorce, even a desirable one, causes serious psychological trauma to both spouses to one degree or another. The problems facing divorced people relate to such aspects of life as the division of property, the creation of new relationships with friends and relatives, with children, the formation of a new attitude towards life, if necessary, looking for a job.

The main reasons for divorce are the following:

Protracted marital conflicts.

Dissatisfaction with the distribution of marital roles and responsibilities.

Material and household problems.

Drunkenness of one of the spouses. Quite often, husbands have a very negative attitude towards the wife's drinking, although the woman herself believes that she does not drink. It all depends on the criterion of the amount of alcohol consumed by both the woman and the husband. They can vary considerably. This also applies to the husband, who believes that he drinks very little, and the woman believes that the husband is close to alcoholism.

Adultery (adultery). It is interesting that a woman sometimes herself voices that she admits treason on the part of her husband and tells him about it, but this is possible only in isolated cases. In fact, it gives the go-ahead for one-time betrayal. Tellingly, when cheating, neither a man nor a woman often removes wedding rings, which are a symbol of loyalty and love of a husband and wife and were dressed in a solemn atmosphere on the day of the wedding.

Jealousy, if it is pathological.

Physical and psychological abuse by her husband.

Sexual problems. This is one of the main reasons for divorce.

New love.

Psychological incompatibility. Spouses have different temperaments.

A big difference at the age between spouses of 10 or more years.

Cooling down in emotional relationships.

The monotony and boredom of family life.

Incompatibility of the level of spirituality and culture.

Childless marriage (infertility of one of the spouses, inability to have children)

Depressive disorder. With a depressive disorder, at least one of the spouses gets divorced 10 times more often. than in ordinary families.

The impact of difficult life situations on a family affects different spheres of its life and leads to a violation of its functions: educational, household, sexual and erotic, etc. These violations inevitably affect the well-being of family members, do not allow them to satisfy their needs, cause a state of internal tension and discomfort, serve as a source of somatic, neuropsychic and behavioral disorders, inhibit personality development.

The likelihood of the breakdown of family relationships can be increased by the following factors:

conflict relations (divorce) of the parents of one of the spouses;

cohabitation with the parents of one of the spouses on their living space;

parents turn spouses against each other;

high personal conflict of one of the spouses;

unequal level of education and social status of spouses;

infidelity, sexual dissatisfaction in marriage;

obsessive jealousy on the part of one of the spouses;

problems associated with spending money;

premarital pregnancy;

somatic or mental illness of one of the spouses;

a chronic illness in a child (disability, mental retardation).

There are several phases of the breakdown of emotional relationships:

awareness of dissatisfaction;

expression of dissatisfaction;

negotiation;

making decisions;

transformation of relationships.

The divorce process itself is divided into three periods:

1. Pre-divorce period.

2. The period of divorce.

3. Post-divorce period.

In the pre-divorce period, the partner left goes through 4 stages of reaction to the situation:

protest - ineffective attempts to avoid divorce;

despair - with depression and self-blame;

denial - with the devaluation of your marriage and partner;

reconciliation with the situation - with getting rid of the feeling of injustice and a realistic vision of the situation.

1. There are the following strategies for the behavior of one of the spouses in a pre-divorce situation:

Various attempts are being made to return the spouse at any cost.

There is a search for any options for building relationships.

Acceptance of reality as it is.

2. During the divorce period, spouses may experience various emotions and severe stress, which include anger and sadness, fear, feelings of guilt and a desire to take revenge on the ex-spouse. If the decision to divorce was made unilaterally, then the partner blames the initiator of the divorce, feels a sense of impotent rage or helplessness, rejection and loss. The content of disputes can be material and parental problems, which the spouses cannot solve rationally because of their psychological state and the emotional component of interpersonal conflict.

The abandoned partner has a problem: "How to live on and whether to live at all?" This situation is fraught with suicidal behavior.

3. In the post-divorce period, it is possible to fix neurotic and depressive reactions, especially in an elderly woman with children. In the case of forced cohabitation after a divorce in the same apartment or the ex-wife's obstacles to meeting the father with the children, the conflict situation continues.

The consequences of divorce

As a rule, divorce creates new difficulties - sleepless nights, a feeling of loneliness, anxiety about the future of children left without one of their parents.

It used to be thought that a woman is going through a divorce harder than a man. this is due to material difficulties, raising children, limited opportunities to create a new family, etc. When working with divorced couples, psychologists came to the conclusion that a man marriage needs no less than a woman, because his dissatisfaction with loneliness is even more acute and prolonged.

Women perceive the emotional difficulties of divorce more intensely, but they sooner come to psychological balance.

At the same time, tears of despair and outbursts of impotent rage can arise.

The man experiences long-term dissatisfaction. Added to this is the limited ability to see children.

The degree to which divorced spouses are worried depends on the unexpectedness of the divorce. The one who was asked to divorce gets the greatest trauma.

Older people with a long history of family life are more traumatized than young people.

Divorced men have higher rates of alcoholism, physical illness and depression, which are sometimes the result of life changes after divorce. Many women start drinking after emotional loss. There is even such an expression "widow alcoholism".

In a divorce, children suffer who remain with one of the parents, or the parents divide the children among themselves. One child lives with his mother, the other with his father. Situations may arise when, after the parents divorced, children have to live in new families, where either a new father (stepfather) or a new mother (stepmother) appears. Children adapt to new rules in the family, to a new person.

Loneliness

The consequence of divorce can be a feeling of loneliness and the accompanying conflicting feelings: indecision, optimism, regret, sadness, curiosity, excitement.

Lonely people often feel depressed, insecure, passive, and dissatisfied with themselves. They are convinced of their unattractiveness and other qualities that make it impossible for them to establish friendships or love relationships.

For some, however, divorce is a welcome relief that brings freedom from constraints, responsibilities, and emotional turmoil.

Emotions and divorce

Emotions and feelings that men and women most often experience in the process of divorce:

Despair;

Loneliness;

Regret;

Depression;

Sadness is caused by frustration with frustration. Frustration sometimes leads to feelings of psychological isolation, loneliness, loss. It can be a loss of self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-esteem.

The emotion of sadness is experienced as sadness, despondency, blues. In sorrow, a person feels darkness and emptiness around him. An intense experience of sadness gives a person pain.

Sadness is the lowest stress level. In moments of sadness, the muscles are sluggish and lifeless. There is an unexplained heaviness throughout the body. You may get dull It's a dull pain in the chest. A person has a desire to cry.

Anger often arises from frustration. In anger, a person feels that his blood "boils", his face is on fire, his muscles are tense. In a situation of anger, a person experiences great stress. In anger, people grit their teeth and purse their lips.

The pulse of an angry person can be 40-60 beats per minute higher than normal. Experiencing anger is accompanied by a strong sense of impulsiveness. Moderate anger gives a person strength, self-confidence. It is believed that if a person freely expresses his anger, talks about the reasons that caused him and allows the interlocutor to respond in kind, then he acquires the opportunity to get to know his partner better and thereby only strengthens his relationship with him.

A person who constantly suppresses his anger, does not have the opportunity to adequately express it in behavior, is more at risk of psychosomatic disorders. Diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis, urticaria, psoriasis, stomach ulcers, epilepsy, migraines, and hypertension can occur.

Whatever the emotion experienced by a person - powerful or barely expressed - it always causes physiological changes in his body. If you experience anger, anxiety or depression for a long time, even if these emotions are mild, then the person is more likely to get sick.

Experiencing an emotion changes the level of electrical activity in the brain and controls the endocrine, circulatory and respiratory systems of the body.

Most divorced people deal with their problems a few years after the final breakup.

Bibliography

2. Kovpak D.V., Tretyak L.L. Depression, Diagnosis and Treatment. - SPb: Science and Technology, 2009 .-- 320s.

3. Malkina-Pykh I. G. Family therapy. - M .: Publishing house Eksmo, 2006 .-- 992 p.

Coping with adultery
and what are the reasons for treason?

A woman must choose:
With a man that other women love
She will never be calm;
With a man that other women don't like
She will never be happy.
Anatole France

Betrayal can be compared to betrayal. And the one who was betrayed is very acutely experienced. As it may not sound harsh, but sometimes the behavior of the person who was abandoned leads to treason. What leads to treason? Why does this happen so often between a woman and a man? First of all, it is dissatisfaction with life and a marriage partner. In marriage, a person does not receive what he would like to receive: warmth, care, love, tranquility, sexual satisfaction. This is the inability to listen and hear another person. This is a reluctance to compromise.

Constant mutual reproaches and conflicts, humiliation of the dignity of one of the partners can lead to treason. Most often this applies to sexual relations, because between the spouses, the fire of love is gradually extinguished and the very spark that is the catalyst for passion between partners does not slip. And the lack of passion, novelty in a relationship can lead to betrayal of one of the partners with the aim of self-affirmation outside the family. The fire of love is extinguished due to boredom and monotony in the family circle. Cheating can also be caused by the fact that a man and a woman are constantly together at work (common business) and at home, all topics are discussed more than once, when each of the partners knows in advance which phrase will follow in a given situation. When there is a betrayal, several questions arise "how to return a loved one?" ex-wife?" It would seem that simple questions, but the answers to them for a long time cannot be found by those who have lost peace and tranquility, love and gratitude, support and reliability in their lives. What is the reason for cheating? Many women turn a blind eye to one-time betrayals of men, but these same one-time betrayals can give an impetus to strong feelings and the development of new relationships that can lead to the end of family relationships.

One-time betrayals are possible during long business trips of one of the spouses, when business trips last from several months to a year. Vacation without a spouse in another city, night shifts, office romance. Accidental relationship while intoxicated, corporate parties. Meeting with former classmates, classmates, when during the meeting and memories, even after many years, they can flare up with renewed vigor for a long time forgotten feelings to "first love", especially if currently one of the spouses is not satisfied with the marriage.

One of the reasons for treason is pushing away a spouse or spouse. A woman who spends all her energy on work and household chores, raising children, especially in large families, at the end of the day feels like a driven horse and as a rule doesn't want anything.

The woman stops looking after her appearance. Can walk in unkempt clothes, with dirty hair, with dirty nails, dress in such clothes that repel a man. Clothing that does not emphasize the femininity and attractiveness of a woman.

Women also suffer when a husband, having come home, wants nothing but to watch programs on TV. This is most often associated with a heavy workload. Especially when the husband works in three jobs in order to provide for his family. And it turns out a vicious circle "home - work - home - work - home". Monotony, boredom, dullness.

And somewhere outside the family there is another more lively and charming image. A woman who will tell a man “you are the best in the world” or a more attractive and gallant man who can say pleasant words: “you are a unique woman, one and only”, fulfill the woman's desire and bring some variety.

Another reason for betrayal can be a significant change in the appearance of a spouse: a change in weight and shape in women, baldness in men, loose skin, lack of hygiene on the part of a partner, any injury received in various disasters and accidents.

In the event of infidelity, both marital and child-parent relations can be violated.

The worst thing is when children witness such scenes when, with the help of the child, one of the parents tries to influence the other. This situation can be unbearable for a child. Especially when a child learns about the betrayal of his father or mother completely unexpectedly for himself. In this case, the child's behavior may be unpredictable. The child considers the betrayal of one of the parents a betrayal in the first place, in relation to himself. When treason is revealed, everyone suffers. Treason is like a dagger stuck in the heart.

The first thing that a person asks himself is - why?

When a woman finds out about her husband's betrayal, for her it is like a bolt from the blue. Lightning that strikes her on the spot. From this moment on, life turns into one continuous nightmare. The woman does not find a place for herself. Sleepless nights begin with tears that flow like a river. The woman roars like a beluga. A woman is often overwhelmed by jealousy. She is ready to tear her rival to pieces, to wipe her off the face of the earth. During this period, the woman is in despair, not knowing what to do. How to keep your family together? How can you keep your husband? How to forgive him and forget this fact? I would like to forget everything like a bad dream that will never happen again.

How does a woman or a man know about treason? This happens on an intuitive level, the husband and wife feel it too well when intimacy. SMS messages spouses stumble upon, social networks, in which a husband or wife is sitting, all kinds of women's forums, password cracking, correspondence not closed in time, and much more. After all this is revealed, a man or woman has an obsessive desire to keep abreast of this correspondence, to know everything about a rival or rival, to fill his consciousness with distrust. Family life after betrayal changes dramatically for the worse.

A woman is completely at a loss when she has long-awaited child, and the husband at this moment is cheating on her with another woman. For a woman, life is split into two parts: before the betrayal and after the betrayal. This is the loss of oneself as a woman, a wife. For a woman, this is real grief. After violent scenes, emotional devastation sets in, which often leads to the onset of depression.

If the wife is cheating, the husband also has strong negative feelings.

He looks like a wounded, angry beast that has destructive power. This is his humiliation male dignity... And even if he does not say anything to his wife, this does not mean that he does not feel anything. He experiences this humiliation within himself.

You can forgive treason, but it is never forgotten. It's like a cup that broke and was glued together, but the traces of fractures, like scars on the body, remain for life.

So what leads to cheating?

A number of psychologists and psychotherapists have tried to answer this question in their research.

1. Individual characteristics of marriage partners:

Violation of the sex-role identity of a marriage partner, forcing him to prove his masculinity (femininity) by engaging in as many sexual relationships as possible.

2. Macrosystem factors:

Marital incompatibility (primarily sexual). This may be due to the wife's inexperience as a sexual partner;

Lack of emotional closeness between spouses;

Cooling feelings for each other;

Revenge of one partner to another for the suffering caused;

Disappointment of spouses in each other;

Long-term illness of one of the spouses;

Pregnancy of the wife. The man begins to perceive his wife as a mother.

3. Factors associated with marital infidelity include:

The routine of marriage;

Alcoholism of one of the spouses;

Large age difference between spouses of 10 years or more;

Lack of joint leisure of the spouses;

One of the partners has a lot of free time.

Unsatisfactory living conditions, including living with other relatives of one of the spouses. For example, three families with children and elderly parents can live in a two-room apartment.

According to T.M. Zaslavskaya and Grishina V.A. There are seven fundamental reasons for cheating:

1. New love.

2. Retribution.

3. Abused love.

4. Search for a new experience.

5. Replenishment.

6. Total disintegration of the family.

7. Casual connection.

Starshenbaum G.V. describes several types of individuals prone to cheating. For men it is the image of Don Juan, for women it is the image of the Seductress. Both are always dissatisfied.

6 types of situations associated with adultery are described.

1. A gambler (with a cycle: betrayal - detection - repentance - forgiveness - betrayal).

2. Seeker of happiness.

3. Gone and unreleased. The mistress tries to take her husband away, informs the wife in the hope of a divorce, but the spouses unite against her.

4. The initiator of a new life. When a mature man is ready to leave his aging wife and children for a young lover. If a man has a child on the side, he begins to rush between these two women and cannot make a decision for himself with which of them to stay. It happens that both women begin to put pressure on him or reject him from their lives. And the man is left with nothing.

5. Housewife.

6. A solid player. A spouse who carefully hides his love affairs.

There are several types of adultery:

1. Accidental extramarital contact of a short-term nature.

2. Fornication with greater duration and the emergence of emotional attachment.

K. Botutin, referring to D. Moulton, writes that most of the cheating in American families occurs in the 14th year of family life, when the age of the spouses is approaching their forties.

There are several types of reactions to cheating:

Aggression. Aggression can be directed at an opponent (rival), or at the spouse himself (auto-aggression).

Protection. A defensive response is essentially a conditional divorce. When a spouse is given an ultimatum to stop extramarital affairs by a certain date.

Ignoring. They pretend that nothing happened in order to save the family. When a spouse is afraid of being alone, they create an image of a happy family among relatives and work colleagues. For the sake of the children.

If one of the spouses could not forgive the betrayal, then this most often leads to divorce. All this leads to a sharp deterioration in mood, insomnia appears, eating behavior changes - appetite increases or decreases, against the background of psychological discomfort appear various diseases, a person either goes entirely into work, or does nothing. Both spouses suffer and in the most acute period of life they are looking for help from someone who will help them cope with the devastating consequences of betrayal and divorce.

Most often, people who turn to a psychologist want to get an answer to painful questions: "How to keep a loved one, how to save a marriage, how to forget an ex-husband or ex-wife, girlfriend, first love?"

They ask for psychological help in case of breaking up with a loved one. And the main question, to which they cannot find an answer: "Why and for what?"

Bibliography

1. Andreeva T.V. Family psychology: Tutorial... - SPb .: Rech, 2005 .-- 244 p.

2. Olifirovich N.I., Zinkevich-Kuzemkina T.A., Velenta T.F. The psychology of family crises. - SPb .: Rech, 2007 .-- 360 p.

3. Starshenbaum G.V. Sexy and family psychotherapy... - M .: Publishing house of the Higher School of Psychology, 2003. - 300 p.