The crisis of family relations 20 years. Books on family psychology. Let kids learn from their mistakes

17.04.2019

Crises in family life phenomenon is inevitable. Arising periodically, they are able to destroy the most strong marriage. Therefore, it is so important to know what periods of crises exist and how they can be experienced.

The first crisis of family life

It is believed that on initial stage family life is simple. In fairy tales, the characters live "happily ever after", which forms the appropriate stereotypes, according to which the first year of marriage is a happy and romantic time. However, in reality, many young couples face a crisis of 1 year life together. It is characterized by:

Lapping. Living together, partners learn more about each other's shortcomings.
Newly made spouses learn about each other's everyday habits. Often they do not match, this creates a slight tension in the relationship of a young couple.

note

According to statistics about 16% couples divorce after first year of relationship. Nevertheless, this crisis can be overcome, you just need:

Try to be more patient with each other.
Do more romantic things
Reach out to parents

Three years of marriage

The crisis of 3 years is one of the most insidious. It is dangerous both for people in marriage and for those who have not yet formalized their relationship. During this period, there is no longer a place for romance in life, it is replaced by boring life. And three more years of marriage is:

A moment of disappointment. The couple understand that perfect images husband and wife, created in the imagination, do not correspond to reality.
The appearance of the first child in the family.
Unwillingness of spouses to be parents.
Frequent interference of loved ones in family life (mother-in-law or mother-in-law).

For the most part, the crisis of three years is associated with the birth of a child. It would seem that such an event, on the contrary, should unite the spouses, however, according to statistics, 18% of marriages break up already in the 4th year of marriage.

During this period, childless couples also experience difficulties. The crisis of 3 years also affected those who are in relationships without marriage. Fortunately, psychologists have long figured out how to overcome it. Necessary:

Try not to focus on relationships. Give each other personal freedom.
Try to talk as much as possible on a variety of topics, do not strive to constantly discuss personal problems.

To those whom three year crisis caught up already in marriage, it should:

Limit the influence of outsiders on relationships within the family.
invert less attention to each other's shortcomings.
Talk more about problems arising after the birth of a child. The wife should explain to her husband that she still loves him, even if she does not pay as much attention as before. A husband should be patient, help and support his wife in everything.
spend more time together. For example, both spouses can walk with the child or bathe him.

Five year crisis

The couple is again in trouble. During this period, the woman usually returns to work after maternity leave, which is main reason crisis. It is due to the fact that:

Despite the return to work and the usual active life, the woman understands that she can no longer have time to do everything.
When choosing between her personal needs and household duties, a woman prefers the first, and this is very annoying for men.

Not every married couple lives up to 6 years of relationship. According to statistics 28% couples do not cope with the crisis of five years.

However, it can be avoided if:

The spouses will be jointly responsible for household chores.
The husband will be more attentive.
The wife will begin to tell her husband about what really bothers her.

After seven years of marriage

Family life is not so easy. Therefore, after grinding, everyday life, the birth of a child and deceived expectations, the spouses are waiting another crisis- 7 years of marriage. It is due to the fact that:

After seven years of living together, the routine just overwhelms. During this period of time, many couples again forget about romance, turning their life together into an ordinary everyday life.
Spouses bore each other.
Family life becomes ordinary and uninteresting.

Similar problems can be encountered after 8 years of marriage. According to statistics more than 25% of couples do not know how to survive a similar crisis. Not understanding how to fix the situation, spouses often begin to cheat on each other. Therefore, not every family survives to the next anniversary, 9 years of relationship.

However, such errors can be avoided if:

The spouses will meet each other halfway: the wife will try to introduce novelty into the relationship, and the husband will appreciate her efforts and begin to show his romantic impulses.
The wife will stop nag her husband.
A man will be interested in the life of his soulmate.
A married couple will try to resolve all contradictions immediately after they appear.
Try something new: find something new joint hobby, go on trips, come up with something new in intimate relationships.

Crisis 11-13 years old

After living together for more than 10 years, the couple again begin to quarrel. There comes an initial period of disappointment in life. Feeling empty, both husband and wife want to somehow change the existing way of life. However, they don't know how to do it, so they start:

Mutual accusations.
Looking for entertainment on the side.

Often, after 12 years, spouses cheat on each other just because they want something new and bright. A stormy romance returns the thirst for life, but makes it impossible for reconciliation within the family. Therefore, about 22% choose divorce.

However, if both spouses are ready to discuss problems and want to restore relations, discord can be avoided. For this you need:

To talk, forgetting about the disagreements of the previous 11 years of marriage. The past must be forgotten.
Look at your partner with different eyes: remember all of his positive traits and love again.
Be more interested in each other's lives.

Crisis of fifteen years

Having been married for 15 years, couples again face difficulties. This crisis family relations not so easy to resolve. This is the time when both spouses are under 40 years old. For a woman, this means a decrease in intimate needs and an early menopause, and for men, a midlife crisis. This period is characterized by:

Emotional and sexual stagnation.
Neurosis in both spouses.
Desire to be young again.

Note. According to divorce statistics 19% of marriages fall apart after 15 years of marriage.

To overcome the crisis of monotony it is necessary:

Re-awaken interest in each other. The couple should try to be young again together.
Try to go on a date, leaving the kids at home.
Talk about the accumulated problems and discontent.

Mid-life crisis

Disagreements that arose in the 15th year of life can progress, and eventually turn into a "mid-life" crisis. It covers whole decade between 13-23 years of marriage. This period is characterized by multiple problems:

Parental midlife crisis.
Transitional age in children.
Disagreement of spouses on issues of education.
The joint life of this period goes by habit.
There comes a time when the children go to adult life and leave the parental home.

If the previous crisis situations family life was often decided by the world for the sake of the child, now everything has changed. Left alone, the husband and wife understand that there will be nothing new in life anymore. That is why, having lived together for 15 or even 20 years, many couples break up.

The divorce statistics of this period are disappointing: 12.4% of couples can't get past this period.

However, the mid-life crisis can be overcome, for this it is necessary:

Recall old days. Spouses must again begin to care for each other.
Build trusting family relationships. During this period, it is especially important to have a reliable ally near you - your soulmate.
Find new interests, plunge into the world of entertainment.
Get distracted from bad thoughts more often.
Return intimacy to family life.
Be patient with each other.

Family life after 20

Having overcome the mid-life crisis, many couples relax, believing that no more disagreements are expected. However, after 20 years of marriage, another crisis period begins. It has its own characteristics and features:

Men are having a midlife crisis.
Women have menopause.
Spouses cease to support each other. Everyone is fixated on their own problems.
There are more and more reasons for quarrels.
Another stalemate in a relationship.

These disagreements may well lead to divorce. According to statistics, about 10% of couples break up without celebrating a silver wedding.

However, we can overcome this crisis period, we just need:
Spend more time away from home, chat with friends
Trying to rekindle romance

Conclusion

Family psychology has long described all the crises of relationships. However, this does not mean that every marriage goes through all these difficult stages sequentially. For example, there are many happy families who have not even heard of the crisis for 5 years. Everything always depends on how much the partners trust each other, so if they love and are ready to talk, no difficulties will scare them even after 7 years.

Only by wanting to keep a cordial affection can one overcome the crisis of 13 years, as well as any other. It is also important to understand the peculiarities of each crisis period, the only way to avoid them. The main thing is not to forget that family relationships are Full time job which is always rewarded.

Video expert advice

One of the most influential, according to Forbs magazine, psychotherapists in the world, Artem Tolokonin, talks about the crises of family life.

Content

Twenty years together. It's time to celebrate porcelain wedding. Porcelain was chosen as a symbol of this date for a reason - the material is elegant, beautiful and ... fragile. If the spouses managed to carry this “cup of love” through such a serious period of time and not break it, then they can be proud of their wisdom, while others can sincerely rejoice for this wonderful couple.

But, alas, this is not often the case. In many families, the scenario develops differently: mutual claims appear, dissatisfaction with each other, irritation. All this accumulates, and at one point someone says: "We need to leave." What is this? The end of the relationship or their crisis? Do not rush to "cut off the shoulder"! The psychology of family relations between husband and wife is a subtle science. Let's try to turn to her for help in order to figure out how to survive the crisis period and stay together.

When to expect it?

An unexpected guest called "crisis" can appear on the threshold of your marriage at any time. This may be the "candy-bouquet" period of the first joint year or, ten years later, when the opinion has already been formed that “this will not happen to us.” Despite the fact that there is no exact time for each couple, psychologists distinguish five main periods.

First year - first crisis

Carefree young family lives interesting life There are so many new and unexpected things ahead! There is no time for serious disagreements and conflicts. And it seems like it will last forever.

But one fine day, the husband notices with surprise that his beloved in dressing gown doesn't look like that at all gentle creature, which he was ready to carry in his arms all his life. And the young wife realizes with horror that her husband is not the “prince on a white horse” that she imagined at the beginning of a stormy romance.

life, financial questions established habits. All this causes constant disputes that turn into family quarrels and treacherously destroy relationships. How to save the current situation?

The psychology of the relationship between husband and wife in the first year of life is a constant compromise. By learning how to find it, you will easily cross this first stage of the test of strength. Ahead is a whole life filled with joint plans!

Crisis of three years

Disappointing statistics indicate that it is during this period that the largest number of divorces occurs. Although there has already been a grinding of characters and the spouses have learned to manage " family boat' in moments of strife.

But it's time to realize that coffee in bed every morning is episodes of a romantic past, and flowers will only be on a holiday. In order for the family to be complete, a child is urgently needed (especially since all the friends already have children). And a baby appears in the house.

The long-awaited happiness captures the young mother so much that she does not have time for a manicure and shopping at all. postpartum depression, unwillingness to have sex, a constant lack of money… All this irritates a man, and he is increasingly staying late at work. And if at home, it seems that he is somewhere very far away.

Do not forget about yourself and your beloved husband, even if there is no time and desire. You will not even notice how this difficult period passes, leaving behind only good memories, because there were more positive ones.

Fight or settle down? seven years together

Seven years is a long time. But you still continue to quarrel over trifles. But it's time to understand that there is no need to change each other, since it is useless. The psychology of the relationship of a man to a woman in marriage after 7 years shows that married men become more demanding, finding fault with the spouse because of any nonsense. There is another type of husband who stops noticing his wife, getting off with a couple of phrases during the day.

Women are also dissatisfied, noticing that the beloved treats her like "furniture", and family life is a monotonous routine. And such a lady is ready for new relationships and thrills, no less than her other half. Each of the partners is trying to assert itself in the family.

The problem is stability, no matter how ridiculous it sounds. Namely, a well-established life, monotony and monotony in everything, including sex life- ingredients that kill romance. No rushes or splashes! Boredom…

The largest percentage adultery falls at this time. We blame each other, not wanting to do anything in the name of saving the family. But there is a way out!

Thirteen. What's next?

Yes, this question is increasingly arising in the thoughts of spouses. It seems that everything has already passed and there will be no new one. This thought is scary. The psychology of the relationship between husband and wife is again undergoing changes. This period is considered one of the most dangerous: there is a rethinking of views on life (including the family). Many of the men are in their forties. They want to win and conquer again, but alas - not a wife.

Mutual recriminations begin about who earns more, who is more successful or smart. Such competitions may not have an end if someone does not stop this "race". And again, "the right to take the wheel" is given to the woman.

Be wiser and let go of ambition. Do not let your loved one come to terms with the situation, because there are still many pages of life together that have to be collected in a large library.

Twenty years later...

The history of the psychology of relations in marriage after twenty years of marriage knows many examples when one of the spouses (or both), throughout the entire period, showed themselves to be perfect side in the family, suddenly "throw into all serious things." Changes after 40 years general perception life. The spouses already have an impressive life experience, and a considerable amount of knowledge in the matter of the family. But this does not prevent them, having lived two decades together, to part in one day.

Why? What is unusual about the psychology of relationships after 40, that a lot of works have been written on this topic and it is constantly exaggerated by the media?

What's the secret?

And I still - wow!

The point is that this mature age comes at a time when a person has realized himself in many ways: family, children, position in society and at work. There is still a lot of strength, means and energy! And where to apply all this, if the children have already grown up, a lot has been achieved in the professional field? The crisis of "twenty years" is especially acute for men, feeling complete freedom from any duty whatsoever. And often, unfortunately, the spouse starts a new relationship on the side. And the wife is left with only accusations that "life is wasted." Hear it from native person- excruciatingly hard.

Of course, years have added masculinity to a man, and even gray hair at the temples does not spoil him. Young women show attention, and this amuses the aging macho. He doesn't plan to grow old! But the wife already has to make an effort to look attractive. Unfortunately, the number of single ladies at 40 far exceeds the state of forty-year-old bachelors. If treason has come to your house, then do not rush to pack your husband's suitcase. The ability to forgive saved more than one family.

You need to pay attention to the fact that “everything has already begun” on time. You almost never cross Everyday life, you do not have common themes for conversations, and there has been no intimacy for several months? Forget about your household chores, problems at work and difficult age baby! It's time for a heart-to-heart talk.

What worries your husband? Try to hear it and understand. No need to turn this into an interrogation with a passion. Good conversation two close people - one of the solutions to the problem. The psychology of relationships at the age of 40 should be based on dialogue. In no case should you become enemies! Unity is an attempt to resist.

Main taboos

Unwritten laws of the crisis or what not to do:

Never compare your family with another, setting as an example the "golden" husband of Galina Ivanovna.
You can not blame the husband for the fact that the problem arose because of him and nothing more.
You should not act as a "martyr" who carries a heavy load on her shoulders.
It is foolish to pretend that nothing is happening, harboring resentment and hatred.

In the frame - a woman

Traditionally, the midlife crisis is considered a male prerogative. But this is not so. The weaker sex is also at risk. But women are rethinking the lived segment of life with an emphasis on success in personal life and career. And it is not always possible to keep a balance between these two factors.

It is especially not easy for those wives who, climbing the career ladder, have achieved much greater success than their husbands. Such a successful lady is surrounded by people with the appropriate status, and most of them are men. Beloved spouse no longer looks “the best” against their background, because habits have long dusted his eloquence, intelligence, charm, and ability to care. Yes, it often seems so to a woman who has already forgotten that the fire of love must be constantly maintained by throwing “wood” into it.

And she decides to start life with clean slate. Right now it seems to her that everything will go differently. Will it go? For a business lady, a crisis at the age of 40 can become a real “springboard” to a new, interesting stage. But there is no guarantee that it will not become that destructive dead end, the way out of which will not be prompted, neither by smart colleagues, nor by wise friends.

Look at the situation from the other side. The children have grown up, and finally there is time to enjoy each other. Yeah, it won't be like Honeymoon! But who said it would be worse? It will just be different. Do what you love, travel, ride bikes, go fishing. It doesn't matter what brings you together. The main thing is not to lose each other.

Practice shows that any crisis can be overcome by arming common goals. If they are no more, then nothing will save the situation: no sex, no friendship, no love.

So I want to believe that the trouble will pass by, although you should never relax. But let it be, like Antonov’s: “I want it to be in spite of the years, we were just as close, we were just as close ... twenty years later.”

Not so long ago, you doted on each other, but today you feel a wave of irritation. Eyes stubbornly looking for flaws, obsessing over them without noticing good qualities. What is it, where did the happy marriage go? Has love gone? Psychologists believe that every family on certain stage living together is going through a marriage crisis, and those who come out of it with dignity are moving on to new level family relationships.

Marriage Crisis: Finding Problems

At the core turning point family life is always based on the development of relationships. Therefore, most often it is not easy to find the causes of a family crisis, because what prevents one couple from moving on, becoming a stumbling block, the other, on the contrary, helps in overcoming difficulties.

What are the symptoms of a relationship crisis?

Problems in marriage do not arise from scratch, most often they are the result of everyday life and the influence of seemingly trifles. Wedding.ws offers to consider the main alarm bells signaling the beginning of a family crisis:

Absence or, conversely, a large number of conflicts- Are you tired of quarrels in the house, or maybe a complete calm in family relationships is starting to alarm? Think about it, because this is, with no small probability, the first sign of a crisis in marriage.
Blaming each other for everything- constant search for the guilty, unwillingness to hear an opinion opposite to yours.
Too much autonomy pulling the blanket over himself, one of the partners strives to solve all issues in his own way, not taking into account the interests of the other.
obsession - discussion of the same problems “to holes” or lack of communication in the family.
Cross on personal development for the sake of the family a woman turns into a boring housewife, forgetting about herself and devoting her life to her husband and children.
Workaholism - a man prefers to spend his evenings at work, ignoring loved ones. Usually, an unsuccessful experience pushes him to such an act - he could not assert himself in the family.
Lack of intimate life - one of the partners constantly avoids sex.

Family crisis: types and characteristics

There is a concept of the most explosive family ages that can affect the quality of marriage or even become reasons for divorce. Let's take a closer look:

The crisis is coming: what to do?

Regardless of how many years you have been married - a year or 20, it is important to understand that any crisis in marriage gives spouses a chance to reach a new level of family relationships. The turning point in the life of a couple is the driving force behind the development of the family. Feel free to say “no” to depression, and our wedding.ws portal will be happy to share with you the secrets of a long and happy family life. What can you do? Answers to main question see below:

Support. Maximum participation in the partner's problems that have arisen can melt the ice between spouses.
Hear and understand. Silence destroys families, so if you don't understand something, ask. Talk about your feelings, because communication is the basis of a family. Do not leave your partner alone with your thoughts, be interested.
Do not require. Let the person cool down during the turning point, don't insist now and this very minute.
Don't sacrifice yourself. This kind of concession will only aggravate your situation. Do not forget about yourself, completely dissolving in your loved one.
Don't escalate when you're depressed. Believe me, in such difficult situation it won't work in your favor. Please note that most often depression is a consequence of a boring and ordinary lifestyle.
Put yourself in the partner's shoes. Learn to assess the situation from both sides.
Have your personal space. To do this, it is not at all necessary to run away from home, just each family member should have a place of solitude.
Do not accumulate secret grievances. It is better to quarrel, psychologists say, rather than remain silent about the problems that have arisen. The ability not to turn a quarrel into a scandal will allow you to sort things out and move on without hidden grief.

Marriage is painstaking work two people, not beautiful fairy tale. After a certain period of time, every couple has a crisis that needs to be learned to overcome. Many do not cope with difficulties and see only one way out of this situation - divorce. Periods when everything falls out of hand, irritation grows like a snowball, and you don’t want to return home from work - this is a pattern. This is what is called a crisis in psychology. Relationships are tested for strength. The turning points in life together are divided into several stages, which you should know about in advance in order to easily overcome them and stay together.

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Signs of a Coming Crisis

Each cell of society is individual, so the peaks of contention between spouses can occur in different time. In the psychology of marriage, the most important crisis periods fall on 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, 7-8, 10-11, 12-15 and 20 years of marriage. It is very difficult to overcome them with dignity and maintain love for each other. To do this, you need to learn how to smooth out sharp corners and make concessions.

conflicts arising for any reason;
aggressive behavior and unwillingness to listen to the second half;
lack of intimacy;
loss of interest in a partner;
monotony and boredom.

The first crisis: a year of marriage

In the first year, many spouses experience disappointment in their partner. This is exactly the period when a person begins to objectively evaluate the one with whom he shares the living space. violated habitual way everyone's life, ordinary family everyday life: the newlyweds rub against each other and get used to it. Appears before the partner a real man with all the advantages and disadvantages. Not every marriage is able to cope with this test. According to statistics, 90% of married couples do not withstand the first turning point and file for divorce. They hope that with a new partner, everything will be different. But the crisis is natural, and it will certainly make itself felt in another union.

The causes of the crisis after one year of family life are:

1. Differences in habits. For example, a woman hates mess, and a man scatters his socks everywhere. Or she takes the bathroom for two hours every morning, which makes him late for work and annoyed. Disagreements can arise from scratch, they are the result of different views on life and habits.
2. Temperaments. Each person has his own character. A husband can be quick-tempered, and a woman is too calm. Hence the different reactions and assessment of the events. Differences in temperaments can cause mutual resentment and misunderstanding.
3. Money and domestic difficulties. In the first year of marriage, spouses learn to decide various problems household and financial nature, which often causes quarrels.

Such a turning point in the life of a couple is overcome quite simply: the spouses need to learn how to compromise. You should also avoid ultimatums and not accumulate resentment, but openly discuss disturbing situations and contentious issues. To survive the first crisis, you need to put emotions aside. All families go this way.

It is important not to be afraid that love has disappeared, you need to look at your partner with new eyes and try to accept him with all the advantages and disadvantages.

3-5 years of marriage

Most often, after 3 years of living together, the spouses have their first child. The role of parents exacerbates the situation, because the baby requires maximum attention and strength. A woman devotes all her time to him, forgetting about her husband. The spouse suffers from a lack of attention and care. Sex becomes less frequent or disappears altogether, partners move away from each other. Most men have mistresses at this moment.

So that the birth of children does not become the reason for divorce, you need to learn how to share household chores and caring for the baby among themselves. It is important for a woman not to forget to take care of herself and show interest in a man. It is necessary to periodically spend time alone with each other, sending the child to the grandmother or leaving the nanny.

A crisis in family life is often associated with a woman going to work. After 5 years of marriage, the child grows up, and she begins to pursue a career. A young mother has a lot more responsibilities, and a woman, experiencing stress, splashes out all the negativity on her husband. In such a situation, a man is recommended to take on some of the responsibilities. The wife will appreciate it.

Psychologists' advice on how to overcome the crisis of 3-5 years of marriage:

1. The main thing is not to exaggerate. Difficult period will definitely be left behind, in a year the baby will grow up, and the young mother will have time to rest and to her beloved man. You should not waste time and nerves on meaningless quarrels, you need to be patient and wait a bit.
2. Mutual assistance. Spouses should help and support each other in every possible way. It is much easier to make claims than to surround your partner with care. In no case should you show your irritation to a loved one.

7-8 years of family life

After 7-8 years of marriage, the spouses face another crisis. This is exactly the period when partners begin to psychologically get tired of each other. Interest in the second half is gradually fading away, and it seems to people that love has passed. In such a situation, it is urgent to take action and save the family from divorce. Nai The best way get rid of the routine - bring new sensations to life.

The following tips may help:

1. It is recommended to bring romance back into the relationship. Do not skimp on gifts, connect your imagination and arrange surprises. You should again start going to the cinema and walking in the park, holding hands.
2. A great way to diversify married life and add positive emotions– go on vacation without children for at least a week. A change of scenery will help you relax and look at your partner with different eyes.
3. Get closer will help joint classes: swimming, morning jogging, cycling or ice skating - depending on the season.
4. Diversify intimate life. Sex is a powerful weapon that can bring a marriage back from the ashes. A woman can buy new underwear, erotic costume or purchase an unusual toy in a sex shop.
5. Look at the situation through the eyes of another. Both the man and the woman for 7-8 years of marriage have accumulated a lot of mutual claims. It is important to understand that married couples who are completely satisfied with each other simply do not exist. A person may not see shortcomings in himself, but this does not mean that he is deprived of them. The partner has to endure a lot, turning a blind eye to the shortcomings of the other and focusing on the merits.

10-11 years old

For 10-11 years of marriage, the spouses manage to have children and successfully overcome several recessions and revivals. A crisis - milestone in relationships, which makes it clear that the usual pattern of behavior has become obsolete, and something new needs to be brought into life. Having overcome the turning point in marriage, the spouses become closer friend to friend.

How to get out of the crisis after 10 years of marriage:

1. The most important thing is not to be afraid of turning points and be ready for them. After overcoming the crisis of relationships, the couple goes to a new level. Spouses need to learn to speak openly with each other about all the disturbing moments.
2. If you cannot overcome the crisis on your own, it is recommended to seek help from a professional psychologist. The specialist will find the root of the problems and help to solve them in the shortest possible time.
3. You need to work on relationships. In order for the fire of passion between spouses not to go out, it is necessary to maintain interest in each other and spend time alone. You can take a walk in the park, go to a restaurant or go to a country hotel for a couple of days. It will refresh the senses.
4. It is important to satisfy each other's sexual needs. If the spouse lacks affection in an intimate way, the marriage may be in jeopardy.
5. It is recommended to avoid conflict situations, do not reproach the partner and treat him with due respect.
6. A cardinal change of image will help to revive feelings. New look, hairstyle, makeup, demeanor will intrigue and surprise your partner.

If a husband and wife understand, respect each other and openly share their experiences, it means that over the years of life together they managed to become truly close people. Such couples will painlessly survive the crisis years.

12-15 years old

This period of crisis is most often associated with the growing up of children. The child becomes an independent person, whose opinion must be taken into account. At such a moment, disagreements may arise between the spouses regarding the methods of education. A woman wants to protect and protect her child from the whole world, and a man sees an adult in him and, practically, is ready to let him go to life. This is where misunderstandings arise.

The most important thing in this situation is not to forget about the child, finding out which of the spouses is right and which is to blame. We need to look for compromises and support each other, then this crisis will soon be overcome.

20 years or more

After 20 years of marriage, children grow up and leave parental home which leads to the next crisis. Spouses, left alone with each other, begin to feel emptiness. During such a period, both partners begin to feel that they are strangers.

The turning point after 20 years of marriage is most often due to a midlife crisis. This period is especially difficult for men. It seems to the partner that next to a young woman he will be able to return the old years, and some men have a mistress. Gradually, the spouses move away from each other further and further. In such a situation, it is urgent to reanimate the relationship. Psychologists advise to imagine yourself in young age and try to love each other again. You can go to a restaurant and remember the years you lived together with a glass of wine, then go for a walk in the places of youth or go on vacation.

The crisis of family relations is inevitable and necessary for their development. This is not a one-time occurrence that will never happen again. The couple's life together is full of events that cause critical consequences. It is not necessary to ignore problems, it is important to learn how to overcome them and do it together. After all, marriage is a union of two people, and both partners should work on relationships. Only then will the family be a strong and reliable rear.

The scientific approach to relationships between people is very stingy with explanations of feelings. Love is considered chemical and biological processes in which a certain complex of hormones is produced. This complex should be developed even after 20 years of marriage, otherwise divorce is inevitable. The longer the euphoria of love lasts, the more difficult it becomes for a person to lose it. This phenomenon cannot be explained.

When people lose love over the years, it very often entails a large number psychosomatic reactions of the body and divorce in life together. How to avoid illness if faced with the inevitability of divorce after 20 years of marriage? What are the reasons for disagreements after many years of living together? Is there a way to resolve the conflict? Let's try to figure this out.

Fatigue

There are couples who divorce after 20 years of marriage due to banal fatigue. At the age of 40-50, many people have a desire to "live for themselves." Most often it occurs in men, as they perceive changes in their life together somewhat easier than women. Such fatigue rarely occurs simultaneously in both spouses.

Imagine the situation, the husband informs his wife about the desire to disperse and asks for a divorce, because of the monotony of life together and marriage. She accepts his wish. They file for divorce. How can she continue to live if she was the keeper of the hearth, did not have a job, the opportunity to build a career, but was the “shadow” of her husband in their joint marriage? Dragging out a miserable existence after a divorce? Expect help, but from whom?

Similar situations happen quite often. They require an immediate solution. Psychologists advise looking for support and help only in yourself. Even if there are people who want to help, you cannot shift the solution of the problem onto someone else's shoulders. Look for a way to resolve the situation yourself. Remember, your actions are not every second help - the foundation for later life after divorce.

Can fatigue be overcome?

If a husband or wife initiates a divorce due to fatigue, the inability to live a monotonous, boring, life together, you need to understand whether the decision to divorce is final. The couple can still be saved, divorce is not the only way out, provided that both spouses are willing to make an effort.

This will require a fundamental change in life together, understanding and identifying the main causes of routine and desire for divorce, then eliminate them. It is difficult and requires professional help. Unfortunately, people do not hear warning signals. The desire to divorce is often the finish line.

Recrimination

Having lived for a long time together, spouses usually describe separation and divorce as follows: the inability to listen to complaints, believing that only divorce can put an end to this. Often this is the main reason to seek solace on the side. A lover or mistress "does not nag", it is easy, pleasant with them, you can talk on any topic.

How longer people together, the more often there is a desire to shift the blame to the other half. Causes bad mood are different, "forcing" the spouses to look for reasons to take them away from themselves. Mutual accusations become a kind of tradition in life together.

Wives accuse their husbands that they raised their children, could not make a career. Although they are well aware that the desire to have children was mutual, and the lack of professional experience was not his fault.

Husbands blame their wives for having joint family they were unable to fulfill their desires, make a career, or build their business. Although, the desire to start a family was a mutual decision.

Can we stop blaming each other?

Experts say that the best way to solve joint problems is to talk about them. This rule works without exception. Only by comparing the points of view of both spouses can you see the only true way out of joint problems and divorce. Unfortunately, reach the goal without help professional psychologist it will be very difficult.

Any discussion again "slide" to the level of mutual claims. Such a couple needs an arbitrator who will look at the problem without emotions, because 20 years is a huge joint term, for which both managed to accumulate a lot of grievances.

Most often, the basis of mutual accusations lies in the inability to talk about real problems life together. Very often blame is a feeling of guilt or dissatisfaction.

Lack of pleasure

It is pleasure that is the main reason for marriage. People get married in order to experience:

the joy of intimacy;
communication;
joint hobbies;
aspirations.

When shared pleasure is taken out of the equation, the very meaning of marriage becomes illusory. That's when the couple starts asking questions. Why do they lose pleasure after living 20 years together? Where can they find what they reveled in at the beginning joint relations? Where does it disappear to? Can you file for divorce?

If the basis of marriage is lost, the only accessible path- divorce. So do many spouses. Unfortunately they are right. It is very difficult to find again that very connecting thread that brought the spouses into each other's arms, avoiding divorce. That is why the absence of pleasure is the most dangerous reason relationship breakdown and divorce.

Where to find lost pleasure?

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Most often, the reason for the dissolution of a marriage was several points at once. If you try to save such relationships, you will have to identify everything and jointly eradicate them. It is important that both spouses want this, otherwise all attempts will be in vain.

adult children

The main reason to start a family is the desire to have children together. That is why, after 20 years of marriage, many couples face serious problems and get divorced, because children grow up by this time. Accordingly, the spouses need to find the meaning of the joint relationship. It is possible if you search smartly. Otherwise, even if you maintain a relationship, avoiding a divorce, you can remain an unhappy person who is simply afraid of change.

Remember the saying: “Gray hair in a beard is a demon in a rib”? Compare it with the above statements: men fewer women afraid of change, children by this time are already adults (17-20 years old).

Then you can understand why it is at the age of 40-50 that so many men appear who begin to wander in search of happiness on the side and ask for a divorce.

Is it possible to find the meaning of a relationship if the children have already grown up?

The couple will have to look for meaning in something else, as they have exhausted the pleasure of raising children together to the bottom. Some couples find it in the upbringing of grandchildren, but this is just a substitute, because it can still lead to divorce. You need to look for something that will give pleasure to both spouses: joint hobbies and aspirations can be an excellent substitute.

Set a goal to organize a business for two with your half or go in for some kind of sports together. In other words, you need to find something that can become joint pleasure, then you will find the meaning to save your marriage, avoiding a divorce.

What if divorce is the only way out?

“At 40, life is just beginning.” Remember this phrase? Remember it as often as possible. IN modern world both a man and a woman aged 40-50 are a mature, experienced person. It's too early to be considered old, you can't give up. Divorce is not the end of a life together, even after 20 years of marriage.
Do not focus too much on the problems of loved ones. Making children and grandchildren the center of your joint universe is a time bomb that will explode someday, leaving a feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction. life is full pleasant moments so learn to enjoy it on your own.
Forgive yourself and your spouse for breaking up. Very often, even after a divorce, ex-spouses try to blame each other for all the troubles and look for answers why this happened. Vicious circle from which there is no way out. Keep blaming yourself ex-spouse or a spouse in all troubles, it is impossible to become happy. It's like holding up a bucket when the roof is dripping. It is better to fix it once and forget it forever, and not until the next rain. Forgiveness is an important, necessary path for later life.
Find your way. Divorce can lead to personal growth, new achievements. It is only necessary to redirect unused energy to achieve the goal. The forces that you spent on your half remain unclaimed after a divorce. So find a use for them.

Find a replacement for black thoughts!

I am old (th) no one needs (th).	I am mature and experienced.
I want him/her to come back.	I understand that we did everything to save the relationship.
It would be better if it happened sooner.	After 20 years together, I can say that we were happy and I'm glad for that.
I'm afraid of loneliness.	I am free!
It will be difficult for me financially.	New possibilities are open to me.
She (he) has a young lover.	If he/she found new love then I can too.
I have nothing more to do with myself.	I have a lot of free time.
How to live after 20 years together?	Life goes on with him (her) or without him (her)!

Use such or similar phrases that will change the approach to the problem that has arisen. Don't let yourself get discouraged. Look to the future more boldly, waiting around the corner new life.

Attention! In connection with latest changes in legislation, the legal information in this article could be out of date! Our lawyer can advise you free of charge - write a question in the form below: