Medicine today 

Child-parent conflicts. Workshop for parents “Positive ways to resolve conflict situations between parents and children

Causes of conflicts in child-parent relationships

Family relationships are viewed through the prism of the child's perception of the world around him. The behavior of the child and his personal characteristics are determined not only real conditions family life, but also their perception, the degree of internal activity of the child.

Conflicts and various kinds of problems can be seen in every family. But, even despite all the difficulties, in some families, a peaceful life is generally maintained. But parents and children in other families constantly quarrel over trifles and not only. Child-parent relationships, on the one hand, act as regulators of the behavior of their participants, and on the other hand, mediate the development of the child's personality. These relationships are manifested in a system of various feelings, experiences, communication style of parents and children, behavioral stereotypes practiced in this communication.

In numerous studies parent-child relationship(L.S. Vygotsky, L.I. Bozhovich, S. Hall, etc.) emphasizes its critical, transitional nature, when former relationship child to himself, to others and to the world as a whole. These cardinal changes give rise to the inevitable conflicts of the developing personality, both with other people and with oneself.

Domestic psychologists (G.A. Shevchuk, A.S. Shevchuk, O.V. Nakonechnaya) identify three types of psychological determinants of conflict in parent-child relationships. These are determinants associated with the psychophysiological features of development (features nervous system); actually psychological determinants - personality traits (level of self-esteem, accentuation of character); social determinants - factors of micro- and macroenvironment.

The causes of conflicts between children and parents have age dynamics, reflecting the formation of the leading needs of each age: in younger children, conflicts related to learning prevail (decrease in academic performance and a drop in interest in learning), in older children, the most common cause of conflicts with parents is “mismatch of views on life”, unwillingness to accept the point of view of parents.

The real causes of conflict are sometimes difficult to discover due to various psychological moments. First, in any conflict, the rational principle is usually hidden behind emotions. Secondly, the true causes of the conflict can be reliably hidden and psychologically protected in the depths of the subconscious and appear on the surface only in the form of motivations acceptable to the Self-concept. Thirdly, the causes of conflicts can be elusive due to the so-called law of circular relationship causality.

In a conflict, no doubt, there is a risk of destruction of relations, the danger of not overcoming the crisis, but there is also a favorable opportunity to reach new level relations, constructively overcoming the crisis and gaining new life opportunities.

O.E. Smirnova identifies several types family conflicts that parents may encounter in the process of raising children. And do not assume that the older your child becomes, the more often various quarrels may arise. In fact, conflicts with children begin at any age.

1. Type inside family relations. There are harmonious and disharmonious types of family relations. IN harmonious family a mobile balance is established, manifested in the formation of the psychological roles of each family member, the formation of the family "We", the ability of family members to resolve contradictions.

One of the approaches to the definition of a problem family is the work of the famous Russian psychologist A. Spivakovskaya. She highlights special types so-called "disharmonious family unions”, emphasizing that the difficulty of finding marital and parental harmony lies in the fact that each of the psychological patterns that determine marital and parental behavior contains internal conflict and contradiction.

2. Destructiveness family education. The following features of destructive types of education are distinguished:

* disagreements of family members on issues of education;

* inconsistency, inconsistency, inadequacy;

* guardianship and prohibitions in many areas of children's lives;

* increased demands on children, frequent use of threats, condemnations.

D.N. Isaev studied families that included a physically or mentally handicapped person (and this could be both a child and a parent). The author emphasizes that physical and mental inferiority can have an adverse effect both on the general well-being of the family and on the entire system of relationships as a whole.

3. Age crises of children are considered as factors of their increased conflict. The age crisis is transition period from one stage child development to another. IN critical periods children become naughty, capricious, irritable. They often come into conflict with others, especially with their parents. They have negative attitude to previously fulfilled requirements, reaching stubbornness. D.V. Elkonin identifies the following age-related crises of children:

* crisis of the first year (transition from infancy to early childhood);

* crisis of "three years" (transition from early childhood to to school age);

* crisis 6--7 years (transition from preschool to primary school age);

* crisis of puberty (transition from primary school to adolescence - 12-14 years);

* teen crisis 15-17 years old.

4. Personal factor. Wednesday personality traits parents who contribute to their conflicts with children highlight a conservative way of thinking, adherence to outdated rules of behavior and bad habits(alcohol consumption, etc.), authoritarian judgments, orthodoxy of beliefs, etc. Among the personal characteristics of children are such as low academic performance, violations of the rules of conduct, ignoring the recommendations of parents, as well as disobedience, stubbornness, selfishness and egocentrism, self-confidence, laziness, etc. Thus, the conflicts under consideration can be presented as the result of mistakes of parents and children.

Increased conflict in parent-child relationships is one of the aspects negative impact family education, the specificity of which is determined by the very nature of the family as a group of people who have blood family ties. At the same time, the priority role in resolving conflicts with the child is given to the parent.

Thus, conflicts between parents and children often arise due to the type of intra-family relations, the destructiveness of education, expressed in various errors of educational influence, age crisis child, personality factor, i.e. properties and qualities of the individual, both the child and the parent.

Conclusions to Chapter 1

Thus, having studied parent-child conflicts as a psychological and pedagogical problem, we can draw the following conclusions:

1. Conflict is normal social connections and relations between people, a way of interaction in the event of a clash of incompatible views, positions and interests, a confrontation between two or more parties that are interconnected, but pursue their own goals. Consequently, the main task is to give the conflict, as far as possible, a functionally positive character, to minimize the inevitable damage from its negative consequences.

2. In a conflict situation, the actual needs of family members may be blocked, which, in turn, may cause a symptom to appear in one of them - most often in a child. The latter becomes the carrier of a symptom that allows maintaining old, established relationships between family members.

3. Conflicts between parents and children often arise due to the type of intra-family relations, the destructiveness of education, expressed in various errors of educational influence, the age crisis of the child, the personality factor, i.e. properties and qualities of the individual, both the child and the parent.

The attitude of children and parents for many centuries, by right, is considered a very interesting and intriguing issue that attracts great amount researchers in this area. First of all, this question torments psychologists who are trying to understand the cause of the emergence and spread of this generational conflict.

It is worth noting that parent-child conflicts are considered one of the most common, constantly arising in different families. This problem, is excellently described in the book "Fathers and Sons" by Turgenev. Since then, psychologists and educators began to more widely study the situation, which, sooner or later, conquers certain family. Today, the causes of occurrence, distribution and solutions are studied by a huge number of institutions, thanks to research and theoretical proposals. Relationships between parents and children arise on different grounds, most often this happens in the event of a complete misunderstanding of each of the parties, the position of the other. It is the ambitions and the “adult” look on the part of the children that become the reason that parents cease to understand them. Parents, in turn, flatly refuse to admit that the children have grown up and are able to make their own, responsible decisions, which will significantly affect his life.

Modern psychologists, based on many studies, have come to the conclusion that conflicts between children and parents can arise for the following common reasons. First of all, conflict situations can be formed as a result of the type to which the family belongs, namely, from their internal relationship. Scientists rightly distinguish two types of family relationships. Harmonious is an amazing type of family relationship in which the relationship between parents and children is evenly distributed, and the word "We", meaning unity, can solve everything possible conflicts even generations. The opposite type, as a rule, is considered a disharmonious family, which does not have a single strong core inside. It is in such cells of society that various conflicts usually occur, both between spouses and between generations.

Sometimes, the reasons for the disagreement are difficult transitional agewhen the child, becoming a person, constantly argues with his parents, expressing stubbornness and showing his character, which causes negativity on the part of adults. Children reaching certain age, as a rule, seek to get rid of guardianship and constant control, which is what causes the emergence of various kinds of conflicts.

In order to exhaust the conflict and prevent the emergence of a new one, it is necessary to work on yourself not only for children, but also for parents. First of all, parents, both mom and dad, must understand that the child is changing, growing up, which means that his feelings and perceptions are expanding significantly. No one said that it would be easy to understand and accept your child as new, but for this, you need to work with your consciousness, and not perceive the child as a baby, constantly taking care of him. Nothing good from this phenomenon will not work, only hostility and aggression from the younger generation.

Children, in turn, must also understand and accept their parents. Don't worry about what they are doing wrong. If a child considers himself an adult, but he must put himself in the place of mom or dad and understand if he is pleased if his own blood will act or say this. After all, parents, they are not enemies to their child, and they will never do worse. Do not underestimate them, sometimes they know and understand much more than their child thinks about it.

Workshop "Conflicts between parents and children,

and ways to resolve them

Target: developing parents' acceptance skills effective solution way out of a conflict situation and ways positive resolution conflict situations.

Tasks:

1. Help parents overcome difficulties in resolving conflict situations in the family.

2. Contribute to understanding the conflict situation and ways out of it.

3. Familiarize yourself with ways to resolve conflicts without violence. Develop the ability to anticipate the consequences of your actions.

Equipment: presentation, questionnaires for children, cards with conflict situations, memos for parents.

Meeting progress

Educational psychologist:

1. Introduction

Dear parents, mothers and fathers!

(Slide 1.)

So, today we will talk about conflicts.

Our world today is full of contradictions and despair, at every step we are faced with the alienation of people from each other. But we have a family parental home where we are expected, remembered and forgiven, whatever happens to us. It is in the family that we learn love, responsibility, culture and patience. But, here's the paradox, it is in the family that conflicts most often occur.

Conflict is not a whim or a sign of bad parenting. If he declared himself, it means that someone's interests, desires, opinions clashed. It's annoying, but not fatal. If done right, your relationship can even improve.

Educational psychologist:

2. Main body

First of all, let's try to understand what is conflict?

Educational psychologist:

Exercise 1. Name your associations to the word CONFLICT. What image does your imagination suggest to you?

After the first round of random associations, the following questions can be asked:

* if the conflict is furniture, then what kind?

* if the conflict is dishes, then what kind?

* if the conflict is clothes, what kind?

2. Let's try to define this concept.

What is conflict?

(Invite parents to answer this question.)

Conflicts are a dispute, a quarrel, a scandal in which the parties do not skimp on mutual reproaches and insults.

The conflict is disease state of its participants, which can lead either to reconciliation or alienation (slide 2.)

3. What is the worst thing about conflict? are the feelings that people have for each other. And negative ones.

Fear, anger, resentment, hatred are the main feelings of conflict (slide 3.)

4. A series of questions are proposed to encourage parents to pedagogical introspection:

What are the most common causes conflicts in communication with your child?

Think back to that age. What situations most often caused conflicts in communication with your parents?

How did your parents react to them? (mother and father)?

How do you usually react in these situations?

Do you see any similarities between your actions and those of your parents? (slide 4.)

Conclusion: that in resolving conflicts they are often subject to certain parental families, stereotypes that are not always realized (slide 5.)

5 . What do you think, who most often initiates conflicts in the family? (Slide 6.)

After the parents' answers, they are invited to analyze the following situation and identify the initiator of the conflict:

Educational psychologist:

“Four-year-old Vova sent his grandmother to hell. When the grandmother complained to her father, he was indignant:

Grandma takes care of you, and you insult her! The son retorts:

But you told your mom that too! Mother intervenes:

Why are you yelling at your son? You yourself are rude, but you demand courtesy from the child! (Shuman S.G. Parental concerns. - M., 1982 ).(slide 7)

I ask you to analyze this situation.

Parents are then asked:

Who is the most likely to initiate conflicts in your family? If possible, give an example.

In the process of generalization, it is no longer difficult for the teacher to bring parents to the final the conclusion that the conflict with children in the family is most often provoked by the pedagogical mistakes of parents.

6. Find out the most typical mistakes parents: (slide 8)

    Lack of understanding between adults in raising a child

    Not a confirmation of parental expectations and hopes

    Projection of the child's behavior on himself and at his age

    Ignorance of his age and individual mental characteristics,

    Unwillingness to admit that the child has become an adult

    Fear of letting the child out of the nest, disbelief in his strength

    Accepted in the family conflict practice of relations

All these mistakes are made loving parents who sincerely wish their child only the best. In very conflicting and asocial families, a constant source of conflicts can be the negative attitude of one or both parents towards the child, their inability to empathize, rudeness, insults, cruelty.

Life is impossible without conflicts, you need to learn how to resolve them constructively and learn how to positively get out of any situation so that neither side feels discomfort. We must openly discuss them.

Smoothing out a conflict situation, avoiding its solution can lead to more serious problems. Let's think together, what problems can this lead to?(Slide number 9.)

    Physical problems related to health;

    Psychological problems (withdrawal into oneself, into one's own heartache, changing the character of a person, mental disorder, suicide, etc.);

    Social problems (loss of family, divorce, loss of job, loss of self).

Therefore, everything is serious, and we should not drive into a corner and move away from his decision, but should cooperate with our child

Educational psychologist:

7. Messages to parents from children. I suggest that you analyze the profiles of your children and draw certain conclusions about what you saw.

Task 8. Think and try to name the qualities and skills necessary for successful resolution conflicts.

Parents name the qualities in turn, For example: “The ability to listen and, most importantly, hear the other”, “Calmness and endurance”, “Restraint in emotions”, “Patience”, “The ability to influence another”, “Eloquence”, “The ability to put yourself in place of another”, “The ability to argue one’s position”, “Not verbosity”, “The ability to convince”.

Parents should remember that a conflict situation cannot be resolved by the following measures. : (slide 10)

Threats, instructions, orders;

Dictating to the child a way out of the situation, accepted by you, but not accepted by him;

Moralizing and mentoring teachings;

Anger, irritation.

Task 9. Analysis and resolution of conflict situations.

And now, dear parents, we will analyze conflict situations. You have a card with a conflict situation on your desk. For two minutes you discuss in a group, then you read out the situation and offer your solution.

(Distribute situations into groups)

Situation 1

You have a call from close friends who want to visit you for an hour. You frantically start cleaning the apartment, cooking something: but you obviously don’t have time. Reach out to your adult son or daughter for help. In response - “these are your friends, so you deal with them”

How will you act in such a situation?

Is there another opinion? Who thinks otherwise?

Situation 2

After the meeting, the parents come home and furiously demand an explanation from the child. They say that with such results they will not be taken anywhere after school. The student calmly replies: “So, I’ll go to work.”

How to act in such a situation?

Is there another opinion?

Situation 3

Parents gave money to their child for a specific purpose. He spent them for other purposes, bought what he had long wanted. The parents were outraged, the child heard a lot of angry words addressed to him. In the end, he slammed the door and left the house.

How to deal with such a conflict?

What do you think, can it be done differently?

Situation 4. The family sits at the TV in the evening, but everyone wants to watch his own. For example, the son is an avid fan, and he expects to watch the broadcast football match. Mom is tuned in to the next series of a foreign film. An argument flares up: Mom can’t miss the episode, she “waited all day”; the son can not refuse the match “he was waiting for him even longer!”.

Situation 5. Mom is in a hurry to finish preparing for the reception of guests. Suddenly it turns out that there is no bread in the house. She asks her daughter to go shopping. But she's about to start sports section and she doesn't want to be late. Mom asks to "enter in her position", the daughter does the same. One insists, the other does not yield. Passions are heating up...

10. Presentation to parents of an action algorithm for optimal conflict resolution (theoretical part).

Of course, each conflict is unique and unrepeatable, and in its resolution it is necessary to take into account the whole range of existing relations, individual characteristics its members. But, nevertheless, in pedagogy and psychology, a certain generalized algorithm of actions has been developed for optimal conflict resolution.

As an example, consider the following situation familiar to many parents: the child has a mess in the room, and the parents insist on cleaning. A conflict arises because the interests of the parties are in conflict. Mom's interest: the desire to instill in the child the desire for order and get rid of the feeling of awkwardness in front of the guests. The interest of the child: the desire to avoid uninteresting activities, the conviction that "everything is fine anyway."

Step 1. Detection and clarification of the conflict situation.(Slide 11.)

Purpose: to involve the child in the process of solving the problem. It is necessary to clearly and laconic tell the child that there is a problem that needs to be solved. Make it clear that the cooperation of the child is needed.

Educational psychologist:“I feel ashamed every time our guests and yours see a mess in this room. I'm afraid that cockroaches can start from leftover food. Let's discuss this."

Educational psychologist:

Important!!! First, the parent listens to the child. Clarifies what his problem is, namely: what he wants or does not want, what he needs or is important, what makes it difficult, etc.

    He does it in style. active listening, that is, it necessarily voices the desire, need or difficulty of the child. After that, he talks about his desire or problem, using the “I-message” form. Replace everything You are statements on

I am statements(correct expression of one's dissatisfaction) Tell your child how you feel about this situation:

I'm worried when I hear it"

    "I am disappointed this"

    "I'm so worried for you"

    « It makes me very tired loud music" (slide 12)

You-statements are perceived by the child as an accusation, criticism, threat.

I - messages provide an opportunity for children to get to know us better, to find out our feelings and the reason for our irritation.

11. Practical work:

Let's practice with you and try to learn how to rephrase our You-statements and replace them with I-statements.

Distribute to parents You-statements:

    You never listen to me (When I see that you do not listen to me, I feel bad, because I say quite important things. Please be careful what I say);

    Why are you talking to me all the time? (I find it difficult to speak when someone else is talking to me at the same time. If you have a question, ask it. Perhaps if you listen carefully to me, then you will have fewer questions later.

    You are always rude! (When you talk to me incorrectly, I get annoyed and don't want to talk to you anymore. In my opinion, you can be more respectful towards me. In turn, I will try to be more patient.)

    You always behave horribly! (I am offended by this behavior. You know how to be different, so please be restrained next time).

    You always take my things from the table without asking! (I don’t like it when people take things without asking. First, ask me if this can be done.

    You are such a slob! (I don't like it when children walk around disheveled, and I'm ashamed of the looks of my neighbors)

    Could you turn the music down? (Loud music makes me very tired)

Educational psychologist:

Step 2. Development of possible alternative solutions.(Slide 13.)

Purpose: to collect as much as possible more options solutions. There is an opportunity to find out the decisions of the children (you can add your own later), without evaluating them and without belittling them. Insist on promotion as much as possible more alternatives. “Guests no longer come to you, and the door to the room is always closed”; “Once a week there is a big cleaning, in which you are sure to take part”; “I get rewarded every time I clean”; “I receive as a gift a washing vacuum cleaner and other necessary items, as well as the right to clean up to any loud music”; “I only eat in the kitchen and clean up before the guests arrive.”

Step 3. Evaluation of proposals and selection of the most suitable one.(Slide 14.)

Purpose: to activate the child to make statements about various decisions. You can invite the child to speak about the collected proposals, to communicate their feelings and interests. “I like the options of cleaning up together or cleaning before guests arrive. It's good that friends like to come to you, and it's especially nice to invite them to a clean room. We can discuss the purchase of a vacuum cleaner after the first successes. And what do you think?"

Choosing the most suitable solution.

Purpose: to make a final decision. At this stage, the obligations of both parties to implement the decision are stipulated. If the decision consists of several points, you can fix it in writing. Parents do not clean the teenager's room and are not responsible for possible consequences: lost things, dirty and wrinkled clothes and so on, since the teenager's room is his territory. Possible in different families different variants solutions.

Step 4. Development of ways to implement the solution and verification. (Slide 15.)

Purpose: to plan the implementation process decision. Issues on the beginning of the implementation of the decision, on checking the quality of the work performed, if we are talking about household chores, etc. are brought up for discussion.

Monitoring and evaluation of results.

Purpose: to facilitate the implementation of the solution. As the decision is put into practice, ask the child about the results of the decision, and communicate their thoughts and feelings. The decision may be reviewed or changed.

Of course, not all conflicts require the application of all the described points for their solution. When building a relationship with a child, it is important to have the ability to listen, respond, and explore alternatives.

This way does not leave anyone with a sense of defeat. On the contrary, he invites cooperation from the very beginning, and in the end everyone wins.

Educational psychologist:

Children feel very bad without our caress, love and attention.

It is important, of course, to accept a child- it means to love him not because he is handsome, smart, capable, excellent student, assistant (the list is endless), but just like that - just because he is! Let's remember: the signs of unconditional acceptance are especially needed for a child - like food for a growing organism. They feed him emotionally. Helping to develop psychologically.

The first question that an adult must decide when solving any problem is the question of whose problem it is. Too often, adults assume that all children's problems are their problems. This is wrong and even harmful for the child - he is deprived of the opportunity to try his hand. The child has the right to find solutions for himself. And if the problem belongs to the child, then the adult can choose what to do: listen carefully, look for alternatives, allow the child to face the consequences of his own independence, or combine the above. The more often parents show willingness to cooperate, the more more likely that the child will behave in a similar way in other situations and with other people.

In memory of our meeting with you, I want to give memos for parents, in which you will find a lot useful information about education, the ability to get out of conflict situations. I would like to end our meeting with the words of Omar Khayyam.

Don't piss off others and don't piss yourself off

We are guests in this mortal world

And if something is not so humble,

Be smart and smile.

Cold think with your head

After all, everything in the world is natural

The evil you radiated

Will definitely come back to you.

Prepared material:

educational psychologist

Novitskaya A.N.

Master Class

In the case of any conflict, it is quite clear that for the successful life and development of the personality of all participants in the conflict, it must be effectively resolved.

This dictates an urgent need to identify the causes of conflict in child-parent relationships and eliminate them. Without this, it is impossible to effectively resolve the conflict, i.e. prevent it from happening again. Practice shows that these reasons can be very different, since conflicts between parents and children can arise under the influence of a number of psychological factors.

An analysis of the psychological and pedagogical literature on the problem under consideration allows us to make following output. Psychologists distinguish whole line psychological factors (causes) of conflicts in relations between parents and children.

First, the causes of conflicts between parents and children includetype of family relationship. Allocate harmonious and disharmonioustypes of family relationships. IN harmonious a moving balance is established in the family, which is manifested in the formation of the psychological roles of each family member, the formation of the family “We”, the ability of family members to resolve contradictions.

It is quite clear thatfamily disharmonyis a negative character marital relations expressed in the conflict interaction of the spouses. The level of psychological stress in such a family tends to increase, leading to neurotic reactions of its members, the emergence of a feeling of constant anxiety in children.

Secondly, the causes or factors of conflicts between parents and children includedestructiveness of family education. His features are usually are the following characteristics:

  • disagreements of family members on issues of education;
  • inconsistency, inconsistency, inadequacy;
  • guardianship and prohibitions in many areas of children's lives;
  • increased demands on children, frequent use of threats, condemnations.

These features are expressed in a variety of mistakes in education. The most common classification of deviations in the styles of family education in our country is the classification of A. E. Lichko and E. G. Eidemiller. The authors identified the following deviations in the styles of family education.

  1. Hypoprotection: lack of guardianship and control over behavior, sometimes reaching complete neglect;
  2. Dominant overprotection:heightened attention and care for a teenager is combined with petty control, an abundance of restrictions and prohibitions;
  3. Education according to the type of "family idol";
  4. emotional rejection;
  5. Increased moral requirements;
  6. Unpredictable emotional reactions;
  7. Cruelty;
  8. Contradictory upbringing.

The listed mistakes of upbringing within the family lead to a variety of upbringing problems, such as:

  1. anxiety, fears in a child;
  2. high level of aggressiveness of the child;
  3. low adaptation to the peer group;
  4. low adaptation to school requirements;
  5. negativism of one or both parents;
  6. systematic violations of the rules and norms of behavior.

Of course, these problems are accompanied by conflicts. At the same time, conflicts can be explicit or hidden (latent) in nature. These problems entail the emergence of another factor of conflicts between parents and children -personal factor, since among the personal characteristics of children that contribute to the emergence of conflicts, called such as poor academic performance, violations of the rules of conduct, ignoring the recommendations of parents, as well as disobedience, stubbornness, selfishness and egocentrism, self-confidence, laziness, etc.

Among the personal characteristics of parents that contribute to their conflicts with children, distinguish a conservative way of thinking, adherence to outdated rules of behavior and bad habits (drinking alcohol, etc.), authoritarian judgments, orthodoxy of beliefs, etc.

In fairness, it should be noted that stubbornness and self-centeredness, disobedience can be causedage crisis- another reason child-parent conflicts.

age crisis- the transition period from one stage of child development to another. During critical periods, children become naughty, capricious, irritable. They often come into conflict with others, especially with their parents. They have a negative attitude towards previously fulfilled requirements, reaching stubbornness.

Child psychologists distinguish the followingage crises of children:

  1. crisis of the first year (transition from infancy to early childhood);
  2. crisis of "three years" (transition from early childhood to preschool age);
  3. crisis 6-7 years (transition from preschool to primary school age);
  4. a crisis puberty- sexual maturation (transition from primary school to adolescence - 12-14 years);
  5. teenage crisis 15-17 years.

As practice shows, most often conflicts in parents arise with children. adolescence. Psychologists distinguish the following types conflicts between teenagers and parents

  • instability conflict parental relationship(constant change in the criteria for assessing the child);
  • overconcern conflict ( overprotection and overexpectations);
  • conflict of disrespect for the rights to independence (totality of instructions and control);
  • conflict of paternal authority (the desire to achieve one's own in the conflict at any cost).

Usually the child responds to the claims and conflict actions of the parents with suchreactions (strategies), How:

  • opposition's reaction demonstrative actions negative character);
  • refusal reaction (disobedience to the requirements of parents);
  • isolation reaction (desire to avoid unwanted contacts with parents, concealment of information and actions).

From the foregoing, the following conclusion can be drawn. The causes of parent-child conflicts are mutual mistakes in relationships. The question arises: how to avoid them? In other words, how to reduce the conflict of parent-child relationships.

Child-Parent Conflicts: Prevention

Psychologists call the following four directions the main directions of prevention of conflicts between parents and children.

1. Increase pedagogical culture parents, allowing to take into account the age-related psychological characteristics of children, their emotional states.

2. Family organization on a collective basis. General Perspectives Defined labor obligations, traditions of mutual assistance, joint hobbies serve as the basis for identifying and resolving emerging contradictions.

3. Reinforcement of verbal requirements by the circumstances of the educational process.

4. Interest in the inner world of children, their worries and hobbies.

These directions should be implemented in conjunction with each other. Only the combination of these areas can lead to an effective reduction in the conflict of relations.

In general, the following can be recommended to parents to reduce conflict in relations with a child:

  • always remember the individuality of the child;
  • take into account that each new situation requires a new solution;
  • try to understand the requirements of a small child;
  • remember that change takes time;
  • perceive contradictions as factors of normal development;
  • show constancy in relation to the child;
  • often offer a choice of several alternatives; to approve different variants of constructive behavior;
  • jointly seek a way out by changing the situation; decrease the number of "not allowed" and increase the number of "possible";
  • apply punishments in a limited way, while respecting their justice and necessity;
  • to give the child the opportunity to feel the inevitability of the negative consequences of his misdeeds;
  • logically explain the possibility of negative consequences; expand the range of moral rather than material incentives;
  • take into account the ease of switching attention in young children.

Conclusion

Let's sum up some of the above...

Of course, like any impact on a person, family education can be both positive and negative.

Increased conflict in parent-child relationships is one of the aspects of the negative impact of family upbringing, the specificity of which is determined by the very nature of the family as a group of people who have blood ties with each other. At the same time, the priority role in resolving conflicts with the child is given to the parent.

The conflicts themselves between parents and children, most often, arise due to: the type of intra-family relations, the destructiveness of education, expressed in various errors of educational influence (for example, emotional rejection), the age crisis of the child, the personality factor, i.e. properties and qualities of the individual, both the child and the parent. If we talk about the prevention of conflicts within the framework of the "child-parent" relationship, then in general it should be aimed at leveling mutual mistakes in the interaction between the child and the parent.

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Our children are our old age. Proper upbringing- this is our happy old age, bad Education- this is our future grief, these are our tears, this is our guilt before other people.

A.S. Makarenko

The birth of children is absolutely new stage in family life. Of course, for normal spouses, the birth of a child is always a great joy and happiness. As St. John Chrysostom says: “The birth of children became the greatest consolation for people when they became mortal. That is why the philanthropic God, in order to immediately mitigate the punishment of the forefathers and ease the fear of death, granted the birth of children, showing in it ... the image of the Resurrection.

But every good deed, and especially such an important one as the birth and upbringing of children, is not accomplished without temptations. And the multiplication of the family always brings new difficulties and problems.

One of my acquaintances dad, exhausted family problems, the whims and disobedience of his children, once said to me in a moment of despair: “How hard it is with children! Probably even hellish torments are easier to endure! Of course, this was said in a state of passion. I know that this father loves his children, but I think every parent has had periods when they wanted to run away from their offspring to the ends of the world. However, life without children is unbearable and boring. So in our life everything is like this - "sadness is adjacent to love."

The topic of parent-child conflicts can be conditionally divided into two parts:

  • marital conflicts over children
  • parent-child conflicts.

Let's start with the first.

New family member

The birth of a baby is not only a test, an exam for spouses on their readiness to become a father and mother, but also a test of their feelings. And if the spouses are ill-prepared for this event, even the most long-awaited child can be a bone of contention for them. And often the birth of children, instead of even more uniting the husband and wife, on the contrary, separates them. Why? The fault is most often mutual. Let's consider several options.

Alienation, conflict between spouses, as a rule, occurs due to jealousy. The husband, to whom the wife spent a lot of time before the birth of the child, with the advent of a new member in the family fades into the background. Very often the situation is aggravated by the fact that the wife saw her “first child” in her husband: she took care of him, cherished and cherished like a child. And when she became a real mother, her adult "child" was forgotten. The birth of a baby, especially the first, is a very exciting and joyful event for a mother. After all, she, unlike her father, had been in contact with him for nine months. It is not for nothing that the Gospel says that a woman, “when she gives birth to a baby, no longer remembers sorrow for joy, because a man was born into the world” ().

But this is where many mothers make a mistake. They give themselves to the care and care of the child one hundred percent. This also happens because of inexperience, because such a mother does everything for the first time, and already with the second child she worries much less and spends mental and physical strength. And now, any squeak or discontent of the baby can cause her to panic. She spends hours stroking diapers, boiling her nipples, and inducing sterile cleanliness. There is even such a joke: if the first child drops the nipple on the floor, the mother boils it, if the second one, she washes it under the tap, and when the third baby is born, she simply licks it.

And in the first months after the birth of a child, some women abandon all their affairs and only deal with the baby. This is completely wrong.

Experts say: “It is paradoxical, but true: obsessed mothers who devote all their time and energy to a baby, as a rule, get a whiny, painful and nervous child as a result.

Why is this happening? The baby is emotionally very strongly connected with his mother, and if she feels her subconscious desire to spend as much time with him as possible, everyone possible ways will satisfy her desire: to wake up often at night, to cry every time her mother pays attention to her husband, and in general not to let go of her mother even a single step. As a rule, restless children come from those parents whose relationship is far from absolute love and mutual understanding.

So such overprotection causes double harm - both to the child and to the relationship of the spouses. The husband may well have jealousy, resentment; not seeing the attention of his wife, he will try to console himself somewhere outside the house in the company of friends or surrendering to his favorite hobby.

A child will only serve to unite the family when the parents take care of him together. A woman needs to understand that if she will involve her husband in caring for the baby, for example, her husband will bathe him, change clothes, sometimes walk with him in order to relieve his mother a little, then this will not only benefit her (after all, she will have more rest and exercise home), but will also help the father establish the necessary contact with the child, as well as strengthen marital feelings. After all, nothing unites like a common cause.

There is also such an option: the husband himself is not ready for fatherhood and does not want to take responsibility and care for the child. He sees that the wife with the birth of the baby begins to give him less attention, and instead of starting to give his affection, love and care to her and the child, support them, shows selfishness, begins to be jealous of his wife for the child.

A woman after pregnancy and childbirth especially needs support and attention. For her, this time is very difficult, not without reason, as a reaction to the enormous stress associated with the birth of a child, many mothers develop the so-called postpartum depression. Of course, in the marital estrangement associated with the birth of a child, there is a great fault and women. After all, despite the fact that maternal duty obliges her to give a lot of strength to the child, she must also show love and sensitivity to her husband, understand that it may be harder for him now than for her, because women, as a rule, are very attached to the baby, and despite the difficulties, it gives her great pleasure to be a mother. A man has yet to learn how to be a father.

So both spouses need to understand that with the advent of a child, they must rebuild their relationship, learn how to interact in a new capacity - father and mother.

And the first thing they should not forget: the most important thing now is to preserve and increase their love and feelings, because the most important thing for their child is to grow up in a family where parents truly love each other. Someone once said wisely: "The greatest thing a father can do for his child is to love his mother."

love children

Why do spouses have children? If you arrange a survey among parents on this topic, you can hear very different answers. Someone will say: “Children are our continuation, we want to leave a mark on the earth so that our surname, our family does not disappear.” Or, for example: “We want to have support and support in old age”; “We want children to realize our plans and dreams that we could not realize”; “If you get married, you need to give birth to children: without them, the family will be incomplete.” And all these answers contain a grain of truth. Of course, every family should strive to procreate, any parent wants the child to rest him in old age, and many spouses want their children to continue their work and achieve success in it. O greater success than they themselves (although, of course, each person must choose his own path in life).

But the most main motive the birth of children should be only one - love for children.

This is very well seen in the example large families. Parents with many children they are not afraid of any difficulties, economic and housing problems, because they love children. They know that everyone new baby gives them new happiness.

And when parents understand that the main thing in raising a child and communicating with him is love, then their life and the life of their child will change for the better.

Whatever we do: play with children, teach something, punish them - we must always be guided by only one thing - love for them. And therefore, even if you do not yet have special feelings for your child, you need to make every effort to love him. Without love, the process of raising a child will not make sense.

Once, when I was speaking in an audience, I was asked a question. A young woman, a mother, asked: “What should I do if dad does not have contact, closeness with children, communicates little, plays with them?” Establishing friendships, warm relationship with children is directly related to communication. Of course, this is some work. Overcome fatigue, laziness; when you come home from work, do not lie on the sofa with a newspaper, but find time to play with the children, read a book to them. One of my acquaintances grandfather was worried and complained that his grandson treats him coldly. But the grandson grew up a little, and the grandfather began to communicate with him more, pick him up from school, play football and generally spend more time with him. And the relationship between grandfather and grandson immediately improved.

Yes, love is the main factor in raising children, but there is one thing But . Love must be right and reasonable. Indeed, many parents, as well as grandparents, understand love as indulging all the desires of a beloved child. One of my friends said: "You can't spoil you with love." Spoiled, and how. Love for children implies not only care, tenderness and affection, but also severity - we are responsible for them. “Whoever wants to raise children well, educates them in strictness and labor, so that, having distinguished themselves in knowledge and behavior, they could eventually receive the fruits of their labors,” says St. Nilus of Sinai. The one who indulges is overprotective of the child; if he loves him, then with blind love, because spoiled children are completely unprepared to enter into adulthood. They cannot take responsibility for their wife and children, they do not know how to make decisions.

In addition to overprotection and pampering, there is another extreme. It's style parental behavior, which can be called possessiveness. That is, it seems to parents that they love the child, but in fact they perceive it as their property, material for the implementation of their plans. And they absolutely do not want to see him as a person.

From the very birth of children, such parents have a clear plan for them. For example, a special school with enhanced study of English, then - the Institute of Foreign Languages ​​or MGIMO, then - work as a diplomat. Or a lawyer, an economist, or someone else, but only in accordance with the parental scenario. And then it turns out that the child wanted to become a musician or a doctor, but instead he graduates from some very boring university, then, without any desire, works as a lawyer or financier just because it is prestigious, brings good income And that's what his parents wanted.

Or sometimes parents really want their child to realize those projects and ambitions that they failed to realize. And they, regardless of the desire and inclinations of the child, use it to implement their ideas.

Of course, as a rule, any parent wants the child to follow in his footsteps. But this should not become a fixed idea.

Our most important task as parents is to educate the child, that is, to nurture the image of God in him, to educate him as a believing, pious person and to allow his good inclinations to develop. Of course, parents should give the child direction in life, but only in accordance with his inclinations and abilities.

"We don't understand him!"

Let's move on to parent-child conflicts.

Again and again, remember that conflict is a misunderstanding. Both sides of the conflict cannot or do not want to understand each other.

I recently congratulated one of my friends on long-awaited firstborn, and to the question: “How are things with the baby?”, She answered me: “Everything is fine, but we don’t understand it yet.” And the same words can be said by most parents of not only babies, but also junior schoolchildren, and teenagers. When I became a father and new troubles and problems appeared, I must admit that I envied my children. How sometimes I wanted to lie carefree in bed, eat, play and not think about getting up at dawn tomorrow and going to work, that I need to feed my family with something and in general solve a lot of adult tasks from morning to evening! Most adults think that children are generally devoid of any problems whatsoever. And if they are capricious, worried and ask for something, then they are just playing the fool. What problems might they have? Do what your parents tell you, don't do what they don't tell you to, go to school and behave yourself. In fact, the life of a child, despite the fact that he, of course, feels parental protection and support, is no less difficult than adult life.

It's just that children have a different kind of difficulty. They, unlike adults, do not have life experience, they do not have immunity to everyday problems, and if we remember ourselves in childhood, we will understand that the life of a child is also by no means carefree. It has its own stresses, fears, resentments, sorrows and experiences. We are afraid of being reprimanded at work, but the child is afraid of getting bad grade, being beaten by a school bully and generally has his childhood fears, about which we are unaware. We experience stress when we learn that we will not be able to repay the loan on time, and the child is afraid that he will write the test poorly, because he is not ready for it at all.

Preschool children also have their own experiences, fears, worries, and often their whims or aggression can be caused by some internal reasons. And we will be able to come to an understanding with our children when we learn to enter into their position, we will try to penetrate into their inner world and understand how they live and breathe. And, of course, we will learn to communicate with them. Children have their own And a vision of the world that is different from our adult perception; it may be immature, naive, wrong, but if parents understand their child, it will be very easy for them without quarrels, conflicts and harsh punishments make him obey them. The child will trust them more and show obedience not out of fear, but out of love.

Let's start with general provisions. What is the first thing children expect from us? Love and understanding. We have repeatedly reminded that love is a sacrifice. A sacrifice is always dedicated to someone, done for someone. IN this case the sacrifice of love is made for the sake of our children, for the sake of their upbringing. We donate free time, peace, physical and spiritual forces And, of course, we have certain material costs.

The main thing that any parent can influence his child is by his own example. Both negative and positive. Parents are an example for children all their lives, and at preschool age they make up almost the whole world for him. Therefore, our responsibility to children is simply enormous. The birth and upbringing of a child is a very big incentive for parents to start working on themselves, to fight their shortcomings and bad habits.

If we don't want a child to start smoking, we ourselves must not smoke. If parents want to wean their child off the TV and the computer, they should be the first to set an example for him. Tell children that you can’t use bad words, but don’t disdain yourself strong expressions It means teaching them hypocrisy. They have every right to express themselves in this way, as long as their parents do not control their own speech. And so in everything! If we don’t want our son to grow up to be lazy and slovenly, we ourselves must not be lazy and not scatter our things. And most importantly: a child can be taught spiritual life and prayer only by personal example.

Parents should come to mutual understanding and agreement among themselves, at least for the sake of their children. After all, when creating their own family, children will be guided by parental scenarios.

So, by raising a child, we educate ourselves.

Parents tend to make one of two mistakes. First, parents think that children are little adults; they know and understand everything better than we do, and therefore it is not worth educating them especially. And in general, you need to communicate with them on an equal footing. This is a very big and harmful delusion. The child cannot be equal to us. He has not yet formed, his consciousness is not developed, and he does not have the experience and baggage of knowledge of an adult. If he sometimes strikes us with his clever sayings, this happens for two reasons. Either he got some information from a TV show, radio program, books, conversations with adults ... Or this option is possible: the consciousness, perception of a child, unlike an adult, is less loaded, his eye is less “blurred”, and he can sometimes see what which we usually just ignore. That is why the mouth of a baby sometimes "says the truth."

But the child is not an adult, and when communicating with him, you must not forget this. He will not understand us perfectly. He is waiting for an explanation from us. He only cognizes this world, and what has long been known and understood to us may be a secret for him with seven seals. Therefore, we will not be lazy to talk with the baby, patiently explaining to him the meaning of our words, requests and prohibitions. Children are extremely curious. especially children preschool age. They ask a lot of questions. For example, in my youngest son Kolya, half of his speech consists of questions. True, he sometimes confuses “why?” and “why?”, which is especially funny. So we come to the house, and he asks: “Is mom at home?” - "No, why?" But mostly he asks the right questions and very interesting ones. For parents, this is also a kind of mind training, because they need to correspond to the status of know-it-alls, to have sufficient erudition. The child asks questions not only to get information, for him it is also a way of communication. After all, he himself does not yet have sufficient horizons, cannot clearly formulate thoughts and build speech. But he reaches out to his parents, wants to talk to them, and therefore it is easier for him to communicate in a question-answer form.

When communicating with a baby, adults should not forget that the child has a very mobile consciousness, he is often fickle and not very diligent. Now he wants one, and in five minutes another. Children's memory also has its own characteristics, and therefore, in raising children, you need to have great patience, you do not need to be angry if they do not remember something the first time. For example, with the same mine younger son such an incident occurred. With the help of his mother, he glued together a very beautiful plywood airplane. Then he came up to me and asked permission to paint it with felt-tip pens. I said that this should not be done, as it will turn out ugly, it is better to leave everything as it is. Kolya approached several times and each time was refused. A couple of days later, I saw that the entire plane was “disguised” with multi-colored felt-tip pens. I asked him sternly, “Why did you do that? I didn't let you!" And then Nikolai, almost crying, said: “It was necessary to remind me as soon as I started painting it!” I felt very ashamed, I realized that the child simply forgot about the ban, and I regarded this as disrespect for the father and showed unnecessary severity.

In addition to the “child is a small adult” error, there is another wrong style behavior with children. This communication with the child is exclusively through orders, commands and prohibitions. Parents who practice this method believe that the child is stupid, small and undeveloped. He should not think and reason especially, he should not be talked to especially, he should just listen to what his parents tell him and do it. This style of behavior can lead to a complete loss of contact with the child. He will simply shut himself up in his own world, go there like a shell. He will cease to trust his parents, and will obey them only for the time being for fear of punishment.

A child from early childhood expects support, protection and help from parents. And he should receive this support. One man told me that his wife had a very strange theory and he couldn't do anything about it. In her opinion, children should not be picked up, kissed and caressed. Parents who deprive their children of affection, especially in infancy, will not be able to establish contact with them later, find mutual language. Their relationship will be formal and cold.

It is very important for children to feel protected and caressed not only verbally, but also physically. They instinctively want to run up and cuddle up to their mother in a moment of sadness or sit on their father's lap. It is also very conducive to rapprochement between children and parents. Only, of course, everything should be in moderation. If you overdo it in caresses, the child can get so used to them that he will not get off his hands or, on the contrary, they will disgust him.